1
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(MAN CHANTING IN ARABIC)

2
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Subtitles & Sync By
<font color="#00ff00">FridayToker</font>

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<i>ANCHORMAN: Tensions are rising
as the stand-off</i>

4
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<i>between the world community and the
rogue North African nation of Wadiya</i>

5
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<i>intensified today</i>

6
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<i>as U. N. weapons inspectors were once
again refused access to the country</i>

7
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<i>by Wadiyan leader,
Admiral General Aladeen.</i>

8
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I will take no options off the table.
And I mean what I say.

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(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

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<i>ANCHORMAN: Tonight we ask...
Who is General Aladeen?</i>

11
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<i>According to Wadiyan propaganda,</i>

12
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<i>Haffaz Aladeen was born in 1973.</i>

13
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<i>He did not know his mother,
who died in childbirth.</i>

14
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<i>General Aladeen was born
the only son of the Colonel Aladeen,</i>

15
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<i>himself a savage and violent dictator.</i>

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(GROANS)

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Next!

18
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ANCHORMAN:
Known for his iconic beard,

19
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<i>he is protected by 30 female guards,</i>

20
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<i>who he maintains are virgin.</i>

21
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(YELLS)

22
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(GRUNTS)

23
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<i>Thrust into power at age seven,</i>

24
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<i>he may just be the most dangerous man
in the entire world.</i>

25
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All right, let's get right to it.

26
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Do you have nuclear weapons?

27
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(LAUGHING)

28
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What was the question?

29
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Do you have nuclear weapons?

30
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Sorry, I can't hear you.

31
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Are you developing nuclear weapons?

32
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No, I literally can't hear you.

33
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I'm going to another question.

34
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Oh, I can hear you now.

35
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<i>Eccentric and with unlimited oil wealth,</i>

36
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<i>he recently hosted
his own Olympic Games...</i>

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OLYMPIC OFFICIAL ON SPEAKER:
On your mark, <i>get set.</i>

38
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(SPECTATORS CHEERING)

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<i>ANCHORMAN: ...at which he won
fourteen gold medals.</i>

40
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SPECTATORS: (CHANTING)
Aladeen! Aladeen!

41
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<i>ANCHORMAN: Often described
as ignorant,</i>

42
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<i>he changed
over 300 Wadiyan words to ”Aladeen, "</i>

43
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<i>including the words "positive" and
"negative," causing mass confusion.</i>

44
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Do you want
the Aladeen news or the Aladeen news?

45
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The Aladeen news?

46
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You are HIV-Aladeen.

47
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<i>ANCHORMAN: With pressure mounting,</i>

48
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<i>Aladeen addressed his nation today.</i>

49
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CROWD: (CHANTING)
Aladeen! Aladeen!

50
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(CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING)

51
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People of Wadiya,

52
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I come before you today

53
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to tell you that the world shall
kneel before our great nation.

54
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We are two months away from
enriching weapons-grade uranium

55
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(CHEERING)

56
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to be used
for peaceful purposes. (SNICKERING)

57
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(EXHALES)

58
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It will be used only for medical research

59
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and clean energy, It will, it will.

60
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And will certainly never be used

61
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to attack ls... Oh, boy.

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<i>ANCHORMAN: With that speech, today,</i>

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<i>the international community
is asking one question:</i>

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<i>Does the Mad Dog of Wadiya
have nuclear weapons?</i>

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Now, show me my nuclear weapons!

66
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I can't wait! I can't Wait! (LAUGHING)

67
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(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

68
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This is the Beard of Doom rocket'?

69
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This is my weapon?
I will be a laughing stock!

70
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All my friends have got nuclear weapons

71
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Even Ahmadinejad!

72
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And he looks like a snitch on <i>Miami Vice.</i>

73
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Would it kill him to wear a tie!?

74
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I mean, is every day
in Iran casual Friday?

75
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Where is the Head of my Nuclear
Program and Procurer of Women?

76
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Where is Nuclear Nadal?

77
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You had Nadal executed,
Supreme Leader.

78
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Why did I do that?

79
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Ah! Supreme Leader!

80
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Ah, Nadal.

81
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We are just months away
from refining weapons-grade uranium,

82
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and we are set
to test the missile next week.

83
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Hmm.

84
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It is too round on the top.
It needs to be pointy.

85
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Round is not scary. Pointy is scary.

86
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This will put a smile
on the faces of the enemy.

87
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They will think that it is a huge robot
dildo flying toward them'

88
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No, Supreme Leader.

89
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The shape of the missile top
has nothing to do with aerodynamics.

90
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It is about the payload delivery.

91
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No. It sticks in the ground,
and then kaboom.

92
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Supreme Leader, I think perhaps

93
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some of your information
about bombs is coming from cartoons.

94
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Nonsense. They were research films.

95
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And in them, the victims of the bomb

96
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would get very sooty faces

97
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and then a see-through
version of themselves

98
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started rising up towards Heaven
while playing a harp.

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In this film, just one question,

100
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was there a duck who,
when the explosion is happens,

101
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his bill goes
around to the back of his head,

102
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and then in order to talk,
he has to put it back this way?

103
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There was somebody
who suffered a deformity like that.

104
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Okay.

105
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I am now 100% sure
that you are watching cartoons.

106
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Have you spoken to
the experts about this?

107
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- Have you consulted Professor Bobeye?
- Who?

108
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Professor Bobeye, the one
with the incredibly strong forearms

109
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that are miss-sized for his body.

110
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The man you are discussing
is called Popeye.

111
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- Bobeye.
- He is not a professor.

112
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Popeye is, as the song tells us,
a sailor man.

113
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Indulge me. For one second,
pretend that I'm an idiot.

114
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Okay. I'm there.

115
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And explain to me how this bomb

116
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will not land in Israel

117
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and then, literally,
bounce right back and blow up Wadiya.

118
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Supreme Leader, let me explain to you.

119
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You've lost me.

120
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This is the missile in Wadiya,

121
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you push the button, "Boop!"

122
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(MIMICS MISSILE)

123
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Israel

124
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(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

125
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(SCREAMS)

126
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"No! Why? Aah!"

127
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Nuclear winter.

128
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The reality is...

129
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(MIMICS MISSILE)

130
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(MIMICS BOUNCE)

131
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Oy<i>vey!</i>

132
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"Aah!"

133
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Us.

134
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Believe me, sir, if I could make
the device even a little more pointy,

135
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I would, but I simply cannot.

136
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Okay. You know what?

137
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Let's just agree to disagree, my friend.

138
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Okay.

139
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What? Why? No!

140
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HEAD SCIENTIST: Don't you remember?

141
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Of course I remember!

142
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How dare you question my memory?
I remember everything!

143
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No, I would never do that!
Never! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that.

144
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Don't worry, it's fine.
Well done, my friend.

145
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Thank you.

146
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Wait! Wait! Where are we going?

147
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Admiral General,
what if we just tell the United Nations

148
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we have no nuclear weapons'?

149
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They will lift the sanctions.

150
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We'll be free
to sell oil rights to the Jalabiya desert.

151
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Uncle Tamir.

152
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Do you not remember
what my saintly father

153
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made me promise him on his deathbed?

154
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It was never to sell Wadiya's oil.

155
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You remember that
was when he gave me power

156
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instead of you, the rightful heir.

157
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You've been so cool about it.

158
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Now, let's go back to the palace.

159
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It's the season finale

160
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<i>of Real Housewives
of Shachahmahahfalimitahlicchl</i>

161
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(SPEAKING WADIYAN)

162
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ALL: (CHANTING) Aladeen! Aladeen!

163
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Death to the tyrant!

164
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(WOMAN SCREAMING)

165
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:09,734
Looks like we need to find a new double.

166
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,411
Because this one is...

167
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,455
You know, I don't know
if he's going to get better.

168
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,829
Oh, he's not going to recover, sir.
He's dead.

169
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:20,795
Send his wife some
chocolate covered almond nuts

170
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in a cellophane wrapped box. Delicious.

171
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:27,920
We're going to send your wife
some almonds.

172
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Chocolate covered versions of these.

173
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,344
Ooh!

174
00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:37,354
Maroush, I think I dropped
an almond in his head.

175
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:38,850
Can you take it out?

176
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:42,734
What I don't want to do is
send the body to the family

177
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and then they discover
an almond in his head,

178
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and they say,
"Why is there an almond in his head?"

179
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Take it out.

180
00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:52,527
Clean it!

181
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:54,616
How am I gonna eat that?

182
00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:59,417
- Don't eat it.
- Oh, Maroush!

183
00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,708
Listen, everything is gonna be just fine

184
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:04,589
I don't want you to worry about anything.

185
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,876
Yeah, how 'bout looking in my eye
when I'm speaking to you?

186
00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:11,805
It's very rude not to look at somebody
in the eye when they're talking to you.

187
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,891
It's okay. Don't worry.
You're having a rough day.

188
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:27,229
We shot the wrong man.

189
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:30,857
I can fix this. I have a new plan.
We need to find a new double.

190
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,910
One that is simple enough to be
manipulated completely.

191
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,162
(GOATS BLEATING)

192
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,919
I think we found what you are looking for.

193
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:02,472
You think this man looks like me?

194
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,275
You have a very big barn.

195
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:09,070
You must have
many happy goats, hmm?

196
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,489
What the fuck does that even mean'?

197
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:16,074
Uncle Tamir, this thing is an idiot.

198
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,075
What makes you think
he can do the job?

199
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:22,079
May I remind you that his only real job is
to be shot in the head.

200
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,419
Very well.
Put him through the process, okay?

201
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,210
Clip his nails, file his teeth,

202
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:31,088
bleach his skin, and shorten the penis.

203
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,716
(ALADEEN MOANING)

204
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,423
ALADEEN: Megan! Megan!

205
00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:38,508
(MOANS LOUDLY)

206
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,434
You now have herpes.

207
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:41,935
(SIGHS)

208
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,857
Megan, you were worth every penny.

209
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,684
Mmm. You were super hot.

210
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,269
Is my jet ready?

211
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:52,443
Yes, but do you want to stay the night?

212
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,274
You know, I really
want to do some cuddling.

213
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,529
No. Your time is up.

214
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,610
I have to be
with the Italian Prime Minister tomorrow.

215
00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:00,322
Okay. Maroush, give the goodie bag!

216
00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:01,739
(SOFTLY) Thanks.

217
00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,245
ALADEEN: I trust everything is in there,

218
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,042
as your manager requested?

219
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,212
Katy Perry said she got
a diamond Rolex.

220
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,961
That's because she let me
Aladeen in her face.

221
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:13,960
(GRUNTS) Okay

222
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,296
Right, Are you sure you don't want
to stay for some cuddles?

223
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,380
- No.
- ALADEEN: But, please.

224
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:18,965
I really want someone to cuddle.

225
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,202
<i>ANCHORMAN: Breaking news now.
Just moments ago,</i>

226
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,453
<i>the U. N. Security Council voted</i>

227
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,910
<i>to authorize NATO air strikes
against Wadiya,</i>

228
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:33,214
<i>unless Admiral General Aladeen
agrees to address the U. N. in person.</i>

229
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,212
<i>And now, the world waits.</i>

230
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:36,543
<i>What will Aladeen do next?</i>

231
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,264
(GRUNTS)

232
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:50,147
(SCREAMS ONSCREEN)

233
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,975
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

234
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,561
<i>AUTOMATED VOICE:
You've unlocked the suicide vest!</i>

235
00:14:56,938 --> 00:15:01,159
ALADEEN: Next. No, no, no. No.
Boring, boring. Come on. Come on.

236
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,613
Beloved Oppressor,
I have just received disturbing news

237
00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:07,039
<i>AUTOMATED VOICE:
Welcome to the Munich Olympics.</i>

238
00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:08,704
<i>Shalom?</i>

239
00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:09,784
(GUNFIRE ONSCREEN)

240
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,039
Oy <i>vey!</i>

241
00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:12,787
Supreme Leader,

242
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,167
the United Nations demands that

243
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,547
you address their concerns
about our nuclear program,

244
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,593
or they will vote to
authorize military action.

245
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:20,716
VIDEO GAME ATHLETE: Meshuggener!

246
00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:21,921
Summon my generals.

247
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:23,631
I'll join you after I finish this level.

248
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,638
<i>AUTOMATED VOICE:
Bonus round. Mass grave.</i>

249
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:42,571
Those gangsters at the UN
want me to address them.

250
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:46,617
Fine! I'll address them like they've
never been addressed before.

251
00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,073
How much time have they allotted me?

252
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:49,748
Seven minutes, sir.

253
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,543
I'll talk for 14 hours!

254
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:55,751
And three of those will be untranslatable.

255
00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,249
Literally, baby noises.

256
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,091
(GIBBERISH)

257
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,554
Okay. Let's rehearse this.
Role play, role play.

258
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:05,673
You, come on. This'll be fun.

259
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,810
So. Secretary General,
your soldiers will weep...

260
00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:10,554
(SCREAMING)

261
00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:13,480
I'm so sorry! Listen, it was not my fault.

262
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:16,105
I mean, somebody had set
the safety catch

263
00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:18,027
to "Aladeen" instead of "Aladeen."

264
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:19,980
Look, I mean, this whole gun...

265
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,109
(YELLS)

266
00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,529
It's gonna be fine. You just need to ice it.

267
00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,075
You got to ice.

268
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,737
Promise me you're going to ice?

269
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,112
Okay. Tamir!

270
00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:30,615
Inflate my neck pillow

271
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:34,077
and pack my book
of medium-level Sudoku.

272
00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:37,330
We're going to America!

273
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:41,758
(HORNS HONKING)

274
00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:45,888
(PEOPLE SHOUTING IN PROTEST)

275
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,227
(THE <i>NEXT</i> EPISODE
PLAYING IN ARABIC)

276
00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:03,239
(ENGINES REVVING)

277
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,483
Ah, America!

278
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:09,078
The birthplace of AIDS.

279
00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:17,249
Supreme Leader, I took the liberty
of hiring some extra security.

280
00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:18,830
This is Mr. Clayton.

281
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:22,042
Admiral General,
I am here for your protection 24/7.

282
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,216
Okay.

283
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:26,887
But in the interest of full disclosure,
I have to say I hate A-rabs.

284
00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,883
Well, that's fine,
because I'm not an Arab.

285
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:33,936
Well, you're all A-rabs to me,
the blacks, the Jews,

286
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:36,764
those blue tree-hugging queers
in A-vatar.

287
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:42,111
In fact, anyone from outside
of America is technically an A-rab.

288
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:43,233
Hmm.

289
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,022
Listen, while you're here,

290
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:48,406
I highly recommend a visit
to the Empire State Building,

291
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:51,579
before you or one of your
sand-monkey cousins takes it down.

292
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:55,708
Also, if you're interested in taking
in a Broadway show while you're here,

293
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:57,497
and you don't mind the homo stuff,

294
00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,833
<i>I highly recommend Billy Elliot.</i>

295
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,416
You know what, I like this guy
despite his liberal views.

296
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:04,716
Very good, sir.

297
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:13,597
Supreme Leader, the suite has been
renovated to your specifications.

298
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:22,272
Twenty dollars a day for Internet?
What the fuck?

299
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:27,324
And they accuse me
of being an international criminal?

300
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,572
Beloved Oppressor,
try to get some sleep.

301
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,278
Tomorrow is your big speech.

302
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,365
Nobody touch the minibar!
It's a fucking rip-off!

303
00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:50,297
(GROANS)

304
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:53,182
(HYPERVENTILATING)

305
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:56,928
CLAYTON: Rise and shine.

306
00:18:58,179 --> 00:18:59,180
ALADEEN: Who are you?

307
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,858
We've actually already met.

308
00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:03,525
Hello, Aladdin.

309
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,770
Clayton? I thought we were friends.

310
00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:06,945
(CHUCKLES)

311
00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:08,364
Nice to see you, too

312
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,074
-(GROANS)
- Here's the deal.

313
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,369
I'm gonna kill you,
and then I'm gonna burn your body.

314
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,574
No, no, no. Please, don't.

315
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,830
But before I do I have
one very important question for you.

316
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:21,577
<i>Did you get a chance to see Billy Elliot?</i>

317
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,163
YES.

318
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:25,380
And?

319
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:28,209
I found it heartwarming
and life-affirming.

320
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:29,339
(LAUGHS)

321
00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:32,050
Thank you! How great is that show?

322
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:33,635
It is. It's great, yeah.

323
00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:36,217
You know, he's got like
an artist inside himself,

324
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:40,055
but he's in this working class place
and no one understands him.

325
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:43,141
He's just like.“ (GRUNTS)
I'm gonna express myself in my dance.

326
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,650
And he expresses himself...

327
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:48,772
And he doesn't wanna use violence,
but he puts his violence into his dance.

328
00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,155
You should try that.

329
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,660
Okay. So, we gotta get down
to business. Enough chit-chat.

330
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:56,237
I'm being paid to kill you.

331
00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,038
But I'm gonna torture you for free.

332
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,165
Are you serious?

333
00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:05,584
Where'd you get those relics?

334
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:08,257
From the Shah of Iran's garage sale?

335
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:09,667
Yeah, right.

336
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,172
I mean, I know there's
nothing more annoying

337
00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:12,754
than a backseat torturer,
but, please, come on.

338
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:14,430
This is great stuff.

339
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,930
It's not great stuff.
That's like 1972, hello.

340
00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:23,181
You won't be talking so much smack
with this up your butt.

341
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:26,859
That's the Anal Umbrella.
It's a good device, I grant you,

342
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,857
but where's the splash guard?

343
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:30,904
You're going to kill me
and your white shirt.

344
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,948
It didn't come with a splash guard.

345
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:35,025
You're gonna get chara on your trousers.

346
00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:37,202
I can see it has a screw hole for one.

347
00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:38,700
Apparently, I didn't get it.

348
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,081
All right, Mr. Smart Guy,

349
00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,376
check out this bad boy.

350
00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,920
Oh, that's not bad.
The Kandahar Cock Wrench.

351
00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:47,372
Okay, so, now we're getting somewhere.

352
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:50,299
It's actually been banned
in Saudi Arabia for being too safe.

353
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,795
You know, (SIGHS)
this is totally depressing.

354
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,463
Listen, just show me another one.

355
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:58,299
You know, honestly, I don't even want
to show you anything anymore'

356
00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:00,305
Don't be like that.

357
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,811
You know, I don't even think
you want to be tortured.

358
00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:04,230
I don't want to be tortured.

359
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:05,557
You're just, like,
taking all the fun out of it!

360
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:07,812
You just want me to say
compliments all the time.

361
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:10,819
So either you want the truth
or you want compliments. Decide!

362
00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:14,399
It'd be nice if I got just a little bit
of positive feedback about my tools

363
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,366
What else you got'?
I'm gonna love the next thing!

364
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:17,568
I will be supportive.

365
00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:19,161
All right.

366
00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:22,039
Just this. This pours hot fire out on you.

367
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,204
Oh, the Fallujah Firehose!

368
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,035
Someone's got a friend in Syria!

369
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,586
I am pretty proud of it.

370
00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,208
There is a new model, you know.

371
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,380
(SIGHS)

372
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:31,799
I've got one that works by Bluetooth.

373
00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:35,424
Screw it. Screw it! Screw it!

374
00:21:35,753 --> 00:21:37,050
I'm going to enjoy this now.

375
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:38,881
No, don't. Don't. Don't. Please, don't!

376
00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:40,136
(SCREAMS)

377
00:21:46,889 --> 00:21:50,314
No one will recognize
the body without this!

378
00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,812
The Supreme Beard!
You will be cursed!

379
00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:54,029
(SCREAMS) No, no, don't do it!

380
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:55,902
Come on! Why won't this catch?

381
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:59,827
You foolish man! There is no
earthly fire that could ever light...

382
00:21:59,902 --> 00:22:01,199
(SCREAMS)

383
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:04,122
The flames of the righteous
attack the unjust!

384
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:16,882
I'll be back with help! J.K.! Just kidding!

385
00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:23,722
My Speech.

386
00:22:25,386 --> 00:22:28,560
Yo! Average American shopper!

387
00:22:29,098 --> 00:22:30,725
I do not have any money on me,

388
00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:32,192
but if you give me your clothes

389
00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:35,397
I'll make a sizable donation
in your name to al-Qaeda.

390
00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:43,947
CROWD: (CHANTING) Hey, hey, oh, oh!
Aladeen has got to go!

391
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,625
Hey, hey, oh, oh! Aladeen has got to go!

392
00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:51,287
Hello. I am Admiral General Aladeen

393
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:53,589
I am here to deliver my speech
to the United Nations.

394
00:22:53,664 --> 00:22:55,507
Look, Admiral, it's too hot for crazy.

395
00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:56,796
How dare you?

396
00:22:56,959 --> 00:22:59,007
- Listen, Tamir is coming right now.
-(SIRENS WAILING)

397
00:22:59,253 --> 00:23:01,426
You're going to be in big trouble.
Here he is.

398
00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:03,224
Tamir! Tamir!

399
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,352
Tamir, it was you, you snake!

400
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:19,903
He's not the legitimate leader!

401
00:23:19,982 --> 00:23:21,825
CROWD: (CHANTING)
He's not the legitimate leader!

402
00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:25,155
He's not the legitimate leader!

403
00:23:26,655 --> 00:23:29,499
TAMIR: You have rehearsed the speech
I prepared for you?

404
00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:32,579
Yes. But when is
the General coming'?

405
00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:34,000
He's feeling ill.

406
00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:36,340
<i>Does he have worms in his shilshul?</i>

407
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:37,587
Very possibly.

408
00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:40,670
Admiral General Aladeen preparing

409
00:23:40,753 --> 00:23:42,847
<i>to address the General Assembly
of the United Nations.</i>

410
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:43,923
<i>An historic moment.</i>

411
00:23:44,006 --> 00:23:45,679
<i>He's approaching the podium.</i>

412
00:23:46,008 --> 00:23:48,261
<i>And he's walked right past the podium.</i>

413
00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:49,474
What is he doing?

414
00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:51,847
You are making a fool out of me!

415
00:23:52,181 --> 00:23:54,183
Let's bring in Denise,
our U.N. correspondent.

416
00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:55,483
What do you make of that?

417
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:58,191
Well, I have to say,
he's got their attention.

418
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,693
<i>Every eye in the room
is on him right now.</i>

419
00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:03,196
<i>MIKE: And he's returning to the podium.</i>

420
00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:05,861
<i>And he's fallen off the stage.</i>

421
00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:07,618
<i>What do you make of that, Denise?</i>

422
00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:12,539
You know, he's clearly implying
that the U.N. must fall before him.

423
00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:15,455
<i>MIKE: Drinking from
the pitcher of water directly,</i>

424
00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:18,086
<i>as opposed to
the glass that I'm sure must be up there.</i>

425
00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:19,212
<i>What do you think that means?</i>

426
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:21,339
<i>DENISE: Again,
it's another attempt to say,</i>

427
00:24:21,418 --> 00:24:23,637
<i>"Listen, I'm not going
to play by your rules. "</i>

428
00:24:23,712 --> 00:24:25,385
<i>And he seems to have
a pitcher of urine out.</i>

429
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:28,100
<i>MIKE: I believe he just urinated
in the pitcher.</i>

430
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:29,802
-(CROWD GASPS IN DISGUST)
- Oh!

431
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:31,558
<i>He is now drinking his urine.</i>

432
00:24:31,804 --> 00:24:33,477
<i>DENISE: It looks to be his own urine.</i>

433
00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:35,266
Sorry. You want?

434
00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:37,860
Trying to force it
on the Israeli delegation.

435
00:24:38,435 --> 00:24:39,857
<i>That might be the ambassador.</i>

436
00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:43,945
<i>He is dumping the urine
on the Israeli delegation.</i>

437
00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:45,443
Oh, that's a good one.

438
00:24:47,277 --> 00:24:49,120
Okay, he's returning to the podium.

439
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:54,039
Much has been made
of the hostility between our countries.

440
00:24:54,535 --> 00:24:56,879
With the help of the U.M.,

441
00:24:57,121 --> 00:25:00,546
I will draft a new constitution for Wadiya

442
00:25:00,874 --> 00:25:05,880
and sign it in five days,
on Wadiya's Independence Day.

443
00:25:06,213 --> 00:25:07,214
No, no, no.

444
00:25:07,464 --> 00:25:09,216
<i>EFAWADH: (ON SCREEN)
This new constitution</i>

445
00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:11,093
<i>will end the dictatorship...</i>

446
00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:12,177
No!

447
00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:15,731
...And it will turn Wadiya into a

448
00:25:16,223 --> 00:25:17,566
democracy.

449
00:25:19,059 --> 00:25:20,402
(CROWD CHEERING)

450
00:25:20,477 --> 00:25:22,900
No! Democracy? Never!

451
00:25:23,647 --> 00:25:24,990
Never!

452
00:25:26,150 --> 00:25:29,245
The Wadiyan people
love being oppressed!

453
00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:32,539
Dictatorship forever!

454
00:25:33,282 --> 00:25:34,283
(GASPS)

455
00:25:34,366 --> 00:25:35,367
(BLOWING WHISTLE)

456
00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:41,374
Come on! Come with me!

457
00:25:42,166 --> 00:25:43,213
Hurry!

458
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:50,891
Hello, person. Person.

459
00:25:51,133 --> 00:25:52,476
Black person.

460
00:25:53,135 --> 00:25:54,808
MR. LAO: The double that
you found is good.

461
00:25:54,887 --> 00:25:56,639
He is almost as dumb as the real guy.

462
00:25:56,889 --> 00:25:59,392
So, Wadiya will become a democracy.

463
00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:02,065
China is a democracy, too. (LAUGHS)

464
00:26:04,063 --> 00:26:05,781
Once that constitution is signed,

465
00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:09,076
I will be able
to sell Wadiya's oil rights. Gazprom,

466
00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:11,699
you will have control of
Wadiya's southern oil fields.

467
00:26:11,779 --> 00:26:13,577
B.P., you will control the north.

468
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:15,077
Exxon, you will have all offshore rights,

469
00:26:15,157 --> 00:26:17,410
provided you do not
use B.P.'s drilling rigs.

470
00:26:17,493 --> 00:26:21,498
And, Mr. Lao of PetroChina, you will
have the lease on our shale reserves.

471
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:23,548
Some of those reserves are
in densely populated areas.

472
00:26:23,916 --> 00:26:26,260
Then unpopulate them.

473
00:26:26,752 --> 00:26:29,631
After you've paid me
my 30% finder's fee, of course.

474
00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:31,432
Gentlemen.

475
00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:35,431
So, you're going to make billions.

476
00:26:35,511 --> 00:26:37,513
What will you do with all those dollars?

477
00:26:37,971 --> 00:26:41,646
I will buy the house on Lake Como
next to George Clooney's.

478
00:26:41,892 --> 00:26:43,815
I love George Clooney!

479
00:26:44,144 --> 00:26:45,942
He's an old-fashioned movie star.

480
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,819
He gay? He suck my dick?

481
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:52,282
No, those are just rumors.
Are you a homosexual?

482
00:26:52,528 --> 00:26:55,122
No, no, no, it's more
of a power trip with me.

483
00:26:55,197 --> 00:26:56,744
Everybody has a price.

484
00:26:56,824 --> 00:26:59,919
Tommy Lee Jones let me roll it
in my fingers for two hundred grand!

485
00:27:07,209 --> 00:27:09,803
ZOEY: Oh, my gosh, that was so crazy!

486
00:27:10,129 --> 00:27:12,302
I am so honored to be able to help you.

487
00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:14,550
Finally, somebody who knows who I am.

488
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,052
Yeah, of course!

489
00:27:16,135 --> 00:27:19,810
You're the Wadiyan dissident who was
standing up to that asshole Aladeen.

490
00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:21,807
It was so brave of you.

491
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:24,151
- My name is Zoey.
- I don't care.

492
00:27:24,351 --> 00:27:25,352
What's yours?

493
00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:28,318
My name is Ala...son.

494
00:27:28,814 --> 00:27:30,657
- Allison?
- Right. Allison.

495
00:27:30,983 --> 00:27:32,826
What's your last name?

496
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:37,080
Burgers.

497
00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:39,916
Nice to meet you, Allison Burgers.

498
00:27:39,992 --> 00:27:41,118
- You know, I...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

499
00:27:41,201 --> 00:27:42,293
<i>Oh.</i>

500
00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:46,124
Allison, could you please
take your hands off my breasts?

501
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:48,546
Those are breasts?
I thought you were a boy.

502
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,761
- Where are you taking me to?
- To Brooklyn!

503
00:28:04,183 --> 00:28:06,311
So, yeah, this is my store!

504
00:28:06,393 --> 00:28:07,861
This is the Free Earth Collective.

505
00:28:08,103 --> 00:28:11,448
We are a vegan, feminist,
non-profit cooperative operating

506
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:13,776
within an anti-racist,
anti-oppressive framework

507
00:28:13,859 --> 00:28:15,532
for people of all or no genders.

508
00:28:16,778 --> 00:28:18,951
We are a pure democracy,

509
00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:21,125
just like Wadiya's going to be soon!

510
00:28:21,450 --> 00:28:23,168
Get me clothes, little man.

511
00:28:23,452 --> 00:28:25,204
Oh, you know what, there's some in
the Earthquake Relief box

512
00:28:25,287 --> 00:28:26,834
in the lesbian bathroom, right there.

513
00:28:26,914 --> 00:28:28,131
Right.

514
00:28:29,208 --> 00:28:31,631
So, Allison,
we're the only store in New York,

515
00:28:31,710 --> 00:28:33,929
other than that fascist
superchain Green World,

516
00:28:34,004 --> 00:28:36,006
that sells your nation's
specialty fruit, mafroom,

517
00:28:36,465 --> 00:28:38,559
which I know you people eat a lot of.

518
00:28:38,884 --> 00:28:40,682
Oh, I hope that didn't come off
like a cultural stereotype.

519
00:28:40,761 --> 00:28:43,230
Because I'm, like,
the furthest thing from a racist.

520
00:28:43,513 --> 00:28:46,187
I pretty much haven't had
a white boyfriend since high school.

521
00:28:46,433 --> 00:28:48,231
Well, the darker races are less choosy.

522
00:28:49,853 --> 00:28:51,855
Okay, that came off as kind of offensive.

523
00:28:52,105 --> 00:28:53,448
Thank you.

524
00:28:54,775 --> 00:28:56,698
Anyway, let me give you the grand tour.

525
00:28:56,777 --> 00:28:59,621
Up on the roof,
we have this amazing organic garden...

526
00:28:59,947 --> 00:29:02,450
Boring! Do you sell any assault rifles?

527
00:29:02,866 --> 00:29:05,540
Oh, wait. I got it. Humor. Right?

528
00:29:05,786 --> 00:29:08,289
I took a feminist clown workshop once.

529
00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:10,586
Help! Help!
I'm trapped under a glass ceiling!

530
00:29:10,958 --> 00:29:12,585
What the fuck'?

531
00:29:12,918 --> 00:29:14,841
I wasn't the best student, but...

532
00:29:14,962 --> 00:29:17,385
We've got this wellness center
downstairs in the basement,

533
00:29:17,506 --> 00:29:20,760
where we do water birth.
Have you ever seen a water birth?

534
00:29:21,176 --> 00:29:23,395
Not a water birth,
but I've seen a water death.

535
00:29:23,637 --> 00:29:25,139
Wow, Was it moving?

536
00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:27,190
There was actually very little movement.

537
00:29:27,307 --> 00:29:30,311
A little wriggling, then two bubbles,
and then a big bloop

538
00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:31,694
and the wallet floats up.

539
00:29:33,272 --> 00:29:34,569
You seem educated.

540
00:29:34,815 --> 00:29:36,442
Yes. I went to Amherst.

541
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:38,781
I love it when women go to school.

542
00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:41,864
It's like seeing a monkey on rollerskates.

543
00:29:42,114 --> 00:29:45,118
It means nothing to them,
but it's so adorable for us.

544
00:29:45,701 --> 00:29:47,624
Okay. Well, hey, Allison,

545
00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:50,957
you know, we'd love to have you
work here if you ever wanted to.

546
00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:55,215
All of our employees
are political refugees, just like you!

547
00:29:55,419 --> 00:29:56,466
There's Hannah over here.

548
00:29:56,586 --> 00:30:00,466
She's from El Salvador. She's a really
useful member of our team.

549
00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:05,554
Useful as what? A coat hanger?

550
00:30:05,637 --> 00:30:06,729
(LAUGHING)

551
00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:08,648
- Come on.
- Allison, that's not funny.

552
00:30:08,974 --> 00:30:11,978
Okay. I tell you what,
get back to work, Captain Hook!

553
00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:14,484
-"Captain Hook." It's funny.
- No, it's not funny.

554
00:30:14,730 --> 00:30:15,731
Who's that?

555
00:30:15,981 --> 00:30:16,982
Oh, this is Joseph.

556
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:19,488
He's from a Sudanese tribe
that has no concept of money.

557
00:30:19,735 --> 00:30:21,988
His entire village was ransacked.

558
00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:23,329
Hey, Sub-Saharan!

559
00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:28,168
Do you think you could get me
100 child soldiers here by 5:00 p.m.?

560
00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:29,290
No!

561
00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:30,666
Okay. Time out! Time out.

562
00:30:30,746 --> 00:30:31,963
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

563
00:30:32,247 --> 00:30:33,920
Shave your under-the-arms!

564
00:30:34,249 --> 00:30:37,093
I dread to think what kind of jungle
you have on your <i>malawach!</i>

565
00:30:37,419 --> 00:30:38,921
That is very inappropriate.

566
00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:41,931
Don't tell me what to say
and what not to say, little boy.

567
00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:44,263
You need to put that finger away.

568
00:30:44,343 --> 00:30:45,720
I won't put my finger away because...

569
00:30:45,802 --> 00:30:47,304
Look, I've got two fingers now.

570
00:30:47,387 --> 00:30:48,434
- Ow!
- Okay

571
00:30:48,513 --> 00:30:52,108
If you do not stop using hateful
language, you cannot work here.

572
00:30:52,517 --> 00:30:54,485
All right. I promise.

573
00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:55,778
Okay.

574
00:30:56,021 --> 00:30:57,113
(LAUGHS)

575
00:30:57,189 --> 00:30:59,783
I tricked you, Wolverina.

576
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:03,783
Justin Bieber's chubby double!

577
00:31:06,031 --> 00:31:07,874
Hairy Potter!

578
00:31:15,832 --> 00:31:17,505
Good-bye, old friend.

579
00:31:24,591 --> 00:31:25,968
When will the Supreme Leader
be better?

580
00:31:26,051 --> 00:31:27,098
In time.

581
00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:31,606
He's resting in his bedroom
and must never, ever be disturbed.

582
00:31:32,015 --> 00:31:33,517
Time for bed.

583
00:31:37,687 --> 00:31:40,861
Being Aladeen has its perks,
does it not?

584
00:31:44,111 --> 00:31:45,704
Dropped your belt.

585
00:31:52,202 --> 00:31:53,875
(EFAWADH GRUNTING)

586
00:31:56,957 --> 00:31:58,630
-(GROANS)
-(GAsPs)

587
00:32:01,795 --> 00:32:03,172
What are you doing?

588
00:32:03,255 --> 00:32:04,472
She tried to milk me!

589
00:32:04,714 --> 00:32:05,715
No.

590
00:32:05,966 --> 00:32:08,139
They are trying to pleasure you.

591
00:32:08,301 --> 00:32:11,054
Allow the girls to use their many talents.

592
00:32:20,689 --> 00:32:21,736
No!

593
00:32:21,815 --> 00:32:24,318
Supreme Leader! The girls!

594
00:32:24,651 --> 00:32:27,325
Girls, show him your bosoms.

595
00:32:33,660 --> 00:32:34,786
(GIRL SHRIEKS)

596
00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:42,127
(SIGHS)

597
00:32:42,627 --> 00:32:43,628
(EVERYBODY <i>HURTS</i> PLAYING
IN ARABIC)

598
00:32:53,180 --> 00:32:56,855
ALADEEN: Let me in!
I have 85 rooms at this hotel!

599
00:32:56,933 --> 00:32:59,027
It's me, Admiral General Aladeen!

600
00:32:59,102 --> 00:33:00,399
I lost my beard!

601
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:02,105
You don't got a pass, you don't get in.

602
00:33:02,189 --> 00:33:05,534
But I'm staying here! I paid
twenty dollars for the fucking Internet!

603
00:33:06,318 --> 00:33:09,197
How much do you charge
for assassinations?

604
00:33:09,321 --> 00:33:10,322
(MUSIC CONTINUES)

605
00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:31,635
Why is this happening to me?

606
00:33:32,552 --> 00:33:35,897
All I ever did was
steal my country's wealth

607
00:33:36,348 --> 00:33:39,397
and execute anybody
who did not agree with me,

608
00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:41,144
and many who did.

609
00:33:41,811 --> 00:33:42,903
Why me?

610
00:33:43,313 --> 00:33:47,034
Why is it always the good guys'? Why?

611
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:55,249
Nadal?

612
00:34:29,776 --> 00:34:31,323
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

613
00:34:40,453 --> 00:34:41,545
(EXCLAIMS)

614
00:34:41,621 --> 00:34:43,623
Welcome to
the Death to Aladeen Restaurant.

615
00:34:44,332 --> 00:34:47,085
Wait, You look very familiar.

616
00:34:47,460 --> 00:34:48,757
Do I know you?

617
00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:52,219
(CHUCKLES) Sorry.

618
00:34:52,632 --> 00:34:53,633
Sorry.

619
00:34:54,009 --> 00:34:55,226
So sorry, Supreme Leader.

620
00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:57,225
Don't worry. I'm 50% to blame.

621
00:34:59,889 --> 00:35:02,108
No! No! Supreme Leader!

622
00:35:02,976 --> 00:35:04,944
Definitely not. I must be going.

623
00:35:05,020 --> 00:35:06,146
No, no. Stay, please.

624
00:35:06,438 --> 00:35:08,566
If you hate Aladeen
and you like good food,

625
00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:11,652
this is the place for you.
This way. Here we go.

626
00:35:22,162 --> 00:35:23,505
(LAUGHS)

627
00:35:26,416 --> 00:35:27,668
Enjoy it.

628
00:35:31,338 --> 00:35:32,635
NO! No!

629
00:35:39,012 --> 00:35:40,229
(MOOING)

630
00:35:48,188 --> 00:35:49,360
For you.

631
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:51,817
What is your name?

632
00:35:52,233 --> 00:35:53,450
Allison Burgers.

633
00:35:54,235 --> 00:35:56,988
That's a made-up name.
What's your real name?

634
00:36:00,700 --> 00:36:01,747
Ladis.

635
00:36:02,035 --> 00:36:03,082
Ladis what?

636
00:36:03,495 --> 00:36:05,372
Ladis Washerum.

637
00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:11,590
So your name is like the sign.
"Ladies Washroom"?

638
00:36:11,670 --> 00:36:13,388
- Ooh!
- That is a made-up name.

639
00:36:13,755 --> 00:36:15,302
What is your real name?

640
00:36:15,507 --> 00:36:18,511
I am interested. We are interested.

641
00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:23,772
Emploice.

642
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:25,434
Emploice what?

643
00:36:25,725 --> 00:36:28,194
Emploice.,.Muswashans.

644
00:36:30,772 --> 00:36:32,274
That is a made-up name.

645
00:36:32,565 --> 00:36:34,488
- Uh-uh.
- Mmm-hmm.

646
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:35,693
Okay.

647
00:36:35,777 --> 00:36:37,905
What is your real name?

648
00:36:38,571 --> 00:36:39,868
Max.

649
00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:41,241
Max what?

650
00:36:41,449 --> 00:36:45,204
Imumoccupancyu
One-hundred-and-twenty.

651
00:36:48,248 --> 00:36:50,501
- There's a number in the name?
- Mmm.

652
00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:53,211
Who are you?
An Aladeen sympathizer?

653
00:36:53,420 --> 00:36:55,673
No, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay. No, no, no!

654
00:36:55,755 --> 00:36:57,257
-(KNIFE SHARPENING)
- No!

655
00:36:57,340 --> 00:36:59,763
It's Aladeen!
It's Aladeen without the beard!

656
00:37:00,135 --> 00:37:01,887
No! It's not Aladeen!

657
00:37:02,762 --> 00:37:03,809
Hasan, Rock the door!

658
00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:09,360
Wait, wait, wait, no!
There you are, cousin!

659
00:37:09,811 --> 00:37:12,155
This is my cousin.
I see you've all met him.

660
00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:15,154
He's very simple and backwards.
I'm sorry,

661
00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:16,359
- Sorry.
- WAITER: It's okay, sit.

662
00:37:16,443 --> 00:37:17,786
- Okay.
- Sit and eat.

663
00:37:18,319 --> 00:37:19,616
Have a seat, cousin.

664
00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:22,616
WAITER: Very sorry.
My apologies. Enjoy.

665
00:37:22,824 --> 00:37:25,919
What are you doing here?
And what has happened to your beard?

666
00:37:26,369 --> 00:37:29,543
I've been replaced by this
body double who's a total imbecile.

667
00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:31,291
How are you alive?

668
00:37:31,458 --> 00:37:34,132
How am I... Wait. You don't know'?

669
00:37:34,210 --> 00:37:35,336
No.

670
00:37:35,420 --> 00:37:38,799
Every single person
you had executed is still alive.

671
00:37:39,215 --> 00:37:41,217
We all live here in Little Wadiya.

672
00:37:41,301 --> 00:37:43,770
The executioner, he is
a member of the Resistance!

673
00:37:44,137 --> 00:37:45,354
You mean I never executed anybody?

674
00:37:45,430 --> 00:37:46,477
No.

675
00:37:46,556 --> 00:37:48,558
Like, honestly, zero people.

676
00:37:48,641 --> 00:37:49,642
(SIGHS)

677
00:37:50,393 --> 00:37:54,398
Nadal, you must help me
get back into power.

678
00:37:54,481 --> 00:37:56,324
What? No. Why would I do that?

679
00:37:56,399 --> 00:37:58,777
I have a perfectly good job here.
I'm a Mac Genius!

680
00:37:59,444 --> 00:38:01,446
Oh. What do you do?

681
00:38:03,656 --> 00:38:06,956
Mostly, I clean semen out of laptops.

682
00:38:08,203 --> 00:38:10,205
Congratulations.
Living the American dream.

683
00:38:10,747 --> 00:38:13,421
Okay, fine. I will help you.
On one condition.

684
00:38:13,500 --> 00:38:14,752
Name it.

685
00:38:14,834 --> 00:38:16,461
You reinstate me
as Head of Nuclear Research,

686
00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:18,839
so I can finish building my bomb.

687
00:38:19,214 --> 00:38:20,215
Deal.

688
00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:22,551
- Oh, one last thing.
- Mmm?

689
00:38:22,967 --> 00:38:25,436
You will let me build
a round nuclear weapon.

690
00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:28,018
Never. It must be pointy.

691
00:38:28,556 --> 00:38:30,684
- Wait a minute. This is...
- Whoa.

692
00:38:31,893 --> 00:38:34,487
Okay, compromise. Conical.

693
00:38:34,562 --> 00:38:36,314
- Round. Round.
- Teat-shaped.

694
00:38:37,398 --> 00:38:38,650
Okay.

695
00:38:38,817 --> 00:38:40,285
- Okay. Deal.
- Deal.

696
00:38:43,738 --> 00:38:45,456
Ladies and gentlemen of the press,

697
00:38:45,532 --> 00:38:48,752
our Supreme Leader
is indisposed to answer your questions

698
00:38:49,035 --> 00:38:52,756
as he is currently
drafting Wadiya's new constitution,

699
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:55,087
which is scheduled to be signed

700
00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:58,261
at the Lancaster Penthouse Ballroom
in three days.

701
00:38:58,336 --> 00:39:00,009
Thank you. No further questions.

702
00:39:08,179 --> 00:39:09,601
(CROWD CHEERING)

703
00:39:13,935 --> 00:39:16,484
There is no way we're going to
get anywhere near this hotel

704
00:39:16,563 --> 00:39:18,941
without a security pass.
This is ridiculous.

705
00:39:19,691 --> 00:39:21,364
- Wait.
- What are you doing?

706
00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:23,611
Hiding from that lesbian hobbit.

707
00:39:24,112 --> 00:39:25,204
That woman, you know her?

708
00:39:25,572 --> 00:39:27,415
I cannot begin to tell you
what an honor it is

709
00:39:27,490 --> 00:39:29,367
to be able to provide
all of the catering...

710
00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:30,747
Well, of course.

711
00:39:30,827 --> 00:39:32,124
...And the mafroom for this signing.

712
00:39:32,203 --> 00:39:33,876
You just paid this month's rent!

713
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:36,003
ALADEEN: She offered me a job.

714
00:39:36,082 --> 00:39:38,835
Can you imagine that? Me? Working?

715
00:39:39,002 --> 00:39:42,381
Listen, hold onto that badge. It's the only
thing that'll get you past security.

716
00:39:42,463 --> 00:39:43,430
Okay, thanks.

717
00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:44,974
Wait a minute.

718
00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:49,180
Wait, her company is catering the event.
She has a security pass!

719
00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:51,560
That is the answer. This is the plan.

720
00:39:51,639 --> 00:39:54,142
Okay? You will take that job
and you will work for her.

721
00:39:54,475 --> 00:39:57,319
I will get you
an identical beard and costume.

722
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:58,817
And then on the day of the event,

723
00:39:58,897 --> 00:40:01,992
you enter the Lancaster
as a member of her staff.

724
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,068
You will find the double, switch with him

725
00:40:04,152 --> 00:40:06,621
then rip up the constitution
in front of the whole world.

726
00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:10,291
Me? Work for that hairy titted yeti?

727
00:40:27,342 --> 00:40:28,389
Kimberly?

728
00:40:29,218 --> 00:40:30,219
Zoey.

729
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:31,520
Who cares?

730
00:40:31,971 --> 00:40:34,520
I've come here to apologize

731
00:40:34,891 --> 00:40:38,191
about some of the comments
I may have made about

732
00:40:38,353 --> 00:40:40,321
Captain Hook and Blackie.

733
00:40:42,273 --> 00:40:43,274
Great!

734
00:40:43,650 --> 00:40:45,903
And I accept your job offer
as general manager.

735
00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:48,033
Well, you can't be the manager,
because I am the manager.

736
00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:49,489
Well, I can if I killed you.

737
00:40:49,739 --> 00:40:52,037
(BOTH LAUGHING)

738
00:40:52,241 --> 00:40:54,243
I think I'm starting to get you.

739
00:40:54,327 --> 00:40:56,455
All right, then... I will get you.

740
00:40:57,372 --> 00:40:59,045
Great! Let's get you to work!

741
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:01,133
Yeah? Hold on one second.

742
00:41:01,376 --> 00:41:04,004
Hey, my man! Excuse me. Hairnet!

743
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:05,129
Yeah.

744
00:41:05,672 --> 00:41:08,141
I need a little of
the quinoa salad, please,

745
00:41:08,341 --> 00:41:11,140
and throw a couple of
extra cranny-b's on top, if you could,

746
00:41:11,344 --> 00:41:14,143
and I kind of need you to hurry up, chief.
Chop-chop.

747
00:41:17,266 --> 00:41:18,267
Next!

748
00:41:20,228 --> 00:41:22,151
Whoa, whoa! Occupied!

749
00:41:22,230 --> 00:41:24,528
Out. I have to clean.
Come on, out you go, out you go.

750
00:41:24,607 --> 00:41:25,904
- What? You're hurting me!
- Out. Come on.

751
00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:29,404
Hey, Allison,
can you take out the garbage? Thanks.

752
00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:39,498
Look! One of the customers left a tip of

753
00:41:39,580 --> 00:41:44,006
some Nair and some female razors.
Does anybody want to use it'?

754
00:41:49,966 --> 00:41:51,092
Stop that.

755
00:41:52,093 --> 00:41:53,390
Suck it, loser.

756
00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:01,731
Clean-up on aisle four!

757
00:42:14,449 --> 00:42:16,042
Hey, buddy, I saw that.

758
00:42:16,117 --> 00:42:18,461
That is very disrespectful to your leader.

759
00:42:18,661 --> 00:42:19,753
Whatever, dude. Who are you,

760
00:42:19,829 --> 00:42:22,298
Osama bin Laden's best friend?

761
00:42:22,457 --> 00:42:25,006
No, he is not my best friend!

762
00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:26,882
Though he has been staying
in my guest house

763
00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:29,055
ever since they shot his double last year.

764
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:31,966
Now the guy won't leave.

765
00:42:32,050 --> 00:42:34,269
I know why this guy's
the most hated man in the world.

766
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,345
You just have to go
to the bathroom after him.

767
00:42:36,471 --> 00:42:38,394
You go to the bathroom after Osama,

768
00:42:38,473 --> 00:42:41,226
you will realize
the true meaning of terrorism.

769
00:42:41,642 --> 00:42:43,064
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

770
00:43:00,536 --> 00:43:01,708
Here is the plan.

771
00:43:01,788 --> 00:43:03,540
We're going to take this helicopter tour

772
00:43:03,623 --> 00:43:06,092
and fly over the Lancaster
to spot its weaknesses.

773
00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:10,012
Remember, we're just two
ordinary American tourists

774
00:43:10,338 --> 00:43:12,340
looking at the sights.

775
00:43:12,548 --> 00:43:15,848
Don't worry, nobody gonna suspect
anything. It's a great plan, pointy.

776
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:17,804
Don't do anything
to arouse any suspicions.

777
00:43:17,887 --> 00:43:20,731
Don't worry.
I am Wadiya's number one actor.

778
00:43:20,807 --> 00:43:23,481
You don't win four
Wadiyan Golden Globes for nothing.

779
00:43:23,559 --> 00:43:25,903
Yes, you do,
because you gave them to yourself!

780
00:43:26,354 --> 00:43:29,073
<i>My performance in
Aladeen Jones and the Temple of Doom</i>

781
00:43:29,148 --> 00:43:30,195
<i>was</i> outstanding.

782
00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:31,651
I give it thumbs clown

783
00:43:31,734 --> 00:43:33,452
<i>Have you seen You've Got Mail Bomb?</i>

784
00:43:33,945 --> 00:43:36,414
Yes, I've seen them all!
They're all terrible movies!

785
00:43:36,489 --> 00:43:37,866
Listen to me. Okay?

786
00:43:38,241 --> 00:43:40,039
You are a terrible actor.

787
00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:44,248
I urge you, right now,
keep your performance small and real.

788
00:43:44,330 --> 00:43:46,253
All right, can you get me a cloak?

789
00:43:46,332 --> 00:43:47,333
VVhy?

790
00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:49,168
Because I think my guy
would be wearing a cloak.

791
00:43:49,252 --> 00:43:53,473
No, your guy wears an American flag
sweatsuit and a sheriff's badge.

792
00:43:53,548 --> 00:43:54,549
I need the sheriff's badge.

793
00:43:54,632 --> 00:43:56,054
For what?

794
00:43:56,134 --> 00:43:57,431
You're sheriff of American douche-town!

795
00:43:58,177 --> 00:43:59,178
That's rude.

796
00:43:59,262 --> 00:44:00,263
Listen.

797
00:44:00,346 --> 00:44:04,226
We're going to walk over there,
act very inconspicuous.

798
00:44:04,684 --> 00:44:05,731
- Okay. No problem.
- This has to work.

799
00:44:05,852 --> 00:44:07,525
Don't worry. Just relax.

800
00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:11,281
Are you okay?

801
00:44:11,691 --> 00:44:12,692
My guy has a limp.

802
00:44:13,192 --> 00:44:16,287
I fell off me horse
at the old Bull & Bush Pub

803
00:44:16,362 --> 00:44:17,534
because I am a cockney.

804
00:44:17,697 --> 00:44:18,869
Listen! Listen, okay?

805
00:44:19,031 --> 00:44:21,750
You need to focus up right now
and be prepared

806
00:44:21,909 --> 00:44:24,128
to deliver a small, subtle performance.

807
00:44:24,203 --> 00:44:25,625
- Okay, great, okay.
- Okay, good.

808
00:44:25,705 --> 00:44:27,252
Okay. So, when we go to fly...

809
00:44:27,331 --> 00:44:29,004
Don't do that with your eyes!

810
00:44:29,083 --> 00:44:30,756
You can't be a Chinese person
on this thing, okay?

811
00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:32,132
I'm not chink, I'm Chinese-American!

812
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:33,303
No, but you cannot hold your eyes!

813
00:44:33,379 --> 00:44:34,596
Nobody is going to think
you're Chinese-American

814
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:35,639
because you hold your eyes like that!

815
00:44:35,715 --> 00:44:37,183
It's racist, what you are doing!

816
00:44:37,258 --> 00:44:39,807
Do you know it's a fact
that they cannot pronounce their R's?

817
00:44:39,886 --> 00:44:41,058
They pronounce them as L's.

818
00:44:41,137 --> 00:44:43,014
So instead you know
what "rabbit" is in Chinese?

819
00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:44,223
I don't know how to speak Chinese.

820
00:44:44,307 --> 00:44:46,526
- It's "labbit."
- It's not "Iabbit"!

821
00:44:46,601 --> 00:44:49,229
<i>Yes! Who Shot Loger Labbit
was a huge hit in China!</i>

822
00:44:49,312 --> 00:44:50,313
Nobody... It's stup...

823
00:44:50,396 --> 00:44:51,443
All right, I don't care.
This is stupid, okay?

824
00:44:51,814 --> 00:44:54,488
Okay, I'll do Filipino.
I like to work, I like to talk.

825
00:44:54,567 --> 00:44:55,819
- Doni
- I like the shit, I do the kids.

826
00:44:55,902 --> 00:44:56,903
Stop that.

827
00:44:57,737 --> 00:45:00,490
Your Filipino
is the same as your Chinese!

828
00:45:01,032 --> 00:45:02,375
Now who's being a Iacist?

829
00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:04,918
- You're being Iacist now.
- I'm not being racist!

830
00:45:04,994 --> 00:45:06,667
Right now we have to
get on this helicopter

831
00:45:06,829 --> 00:45:08,923
and we have to act like true Americans.

832
00:45:09,081 --> 00:45:10,799
I guess you don't want me
to play black then.

833
00:45:11,292 --> 00:45:13,260
Of course I don't want you to play black.

834
00:45:13,377 --> 00:45:15,095
Okay. Just throwing it out there.

835
00:45:15,213 --> 00:45:16,760
Okay. Don't.

836
00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:19,141
Okay, don't do that.

837
00:45:19,217 --> 00:45:21,060
- I see what you're doing.
- That's how they walk.

838
00:45:21,135 --> 00:45:22,182
I see what you're doing, it's not cool.

839
00:45:22,261 --> 00:45:23,262
It's how they walk.

840
00:45:36,943 --> 00:45:39,071
I love being an Americans!

841
00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:41,664
America is number one!

842
00:45:42,448 --> 00:45:44,450
Oh, lam from U.S.A.!

843
00:45:44,533 --> 00:45:46,911
My father also from U.S.A.

844
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:51,382
My great-grandfather fought
in the American Civil Jihad.

845
00:45:52,458 --> 00:45:54,711
I am very proud to be an American.

846
00:45:54,794 --> 00:45:57,422
I am America's number one douche.

847
00:45:59,715 --> 00:46:00,762
(BOTH SPEAKING WADIYAN)

848
00:46:00,841 --> 00:46:02,764
I've fooled them. Job done.

849
00:46:03,552 --> 00:46:06,396
So, how are things back at the Palace?

850
00:46:06,889 --> 00:46:10,610
Fine, but guess
who's still living in my guest house?

851
00:46:11,644 --> 00:46:12,645
Ooh, Bin Laden?

852
00:46:14,063 --> 00:46:15,360
Yes, Osama.

853
00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:18,067
Bin Laden flooding the bathroom
every time he showers...

854
00:46:18,150 --> 00:46:21,996
And how hard is it to put a bath mat
down, Bin Laden?

855
00:46:22,071 --> 00:46:23,288
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

856
00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:27,035
Hey, do you remember
my favourite sports car?

857
00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:28,665
You mean your Porsche?

858
00:46:28,744 --> 00:46:30,246
Yes... the 911.

859
00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:33,299
- Oh! 911, it's the best!
-(BOTH SPEAKING WADIYAN)

860
00:46:33,374 --> 00:46:37,345
So I was driving my 911
near the palace one day...

861
00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:39,639
and I totally crashed!

862
00:46:39,714 --> 00:46:40,886
-(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
- Oh!

863
00:46:40,965 --> 00:46:42,512
(BOTH LAUGHING)

864
00:46:43,759 --> 00:46:46,012
It's ok, I've already ordered a new one.

865
00:46:46,095 --> 00:46:49,019
A brand new 9112012.

866
00:46:51,475 --> 00:46:54,354
You know, while you are here, you
should try to see some of the sights...

867
00:46:54,437 --> 00:46:57,566
such as the Empire State Building...

868
00:46:57,648 --> 00:47:00,527
and Yankee Stadium.

869
00:47:00,609 --> 00:47:05,206
And I'd love to see the fireworks
over the Statue of Liberty.

870
00:47:05,281 --> 00:47:06,874
(BOTH LAUGHING)

871
00:47:10,161 --> 00:47:12,380
Hey, have your old back problems been
bothering you'?

872
00:47:12,455 --> 00:47:16,176
Oh, it's been terrible! It got so bad that
I made myself a back brace.

873
00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:20,801
- Really?
- Yes, look, I'm still wearing it.

874
00:47:22,465 --> 00:47:24,843
Hey, my English is getting good...

875
00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:28,555
...I bet I can count down from five
faster than you can!

876
00:47:28,888 --> 00:47:30,811
BOTH: Five, four, three, two, one!

877
00:47:30,890 --> 00:47:31,937
(SCREAMS)

878
00:47:32,016 --> 00:47:33,142
(CAMERA CLICKING)

879
00:47:35,061 --> 00:47:36,608
(DOOR BUZZES)

880
00:47:36,687 --> 00:47:38,530
Allison! Are you okay?

881
00:47:38,606 --> 00:47:40,074
I... Yes.

882
00:47:40,149 --> 00:47:42,777
You know what?
You people, you make me sick!

883
00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:45,329
You see a Middle Easterner
on an aircraft

884
00:47:45,404 --> 00:47:48,453
and you just assume
that he's hatching some violent plot'?

885
00:47:48,532 --> 00:47:53,083
Allison Burgers is a persecuted
dissident, not a murderous madman!

886
00:47:53,162 --> 00:47:56,006
He was reported saying, "Let's take out
the guards at the Lancaster."

887
00:47:56,082 --> 00:47:58,551
Guess what?
We deliver to the Lancaster!

888
00:47:58,626 --> 00:47:59,627
Good one!

889
00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:02,805
Maybe he wanted to
take the guards out for a falafel!

890
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:04,132
<i>That's a bit of a stereotype,</i>

891
00:48:04,215 --> 00:48:07,344
but I get the idea.
Great idea! Yeah, You...

892
00:48:07,426 --> 00:48:10,430
You know what?
Is it a crime to care about your job?

893
00:48:10,513 --> 00:48:11,685
Yeah! Well, it is in Wadiya.

894
00:48:12,306 --> 00:48:15,276
Where did you get your diversity
and sensitivity training, huh?

895
00:48:15,351 --> 00:48:16,568
The Stasi?

896
00:48:16,644 --> 00:48:20,615
Let's see how you feel about
racial profiling when white people...

897
00:48:20,689 --> 00:48:22,316
(INAUDIBLE)

898
00:48:33,244 --> 00:48:34,791
ZOEY: And I know what I'm talking about

899
00:48:34,870 --> 00:48:37,419
because I majored in Fem Lit!

900
00:48:38,249 --> 00:48:39,466
Come on.

901
00:48:39,542 --> 00:48:40,885
(DOOR BUZZING)

902
00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:42,803
Hey! What are you doing'?
Where are you going?

903
00:48:42,878 --> 00:48:43,879
Eh, don't worry!

904
00:48:43,963 --> 00:48:46,057
Just suck the fatoot
of the biggest guy, you'll be fine.

905
00:48:46,132 --> 00:48:47,133
You're really fucking me here, man!

906
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:51,478
ZOEY: The police here
are such fascists!

907
00:48:51,554 --> 00:48:52,680
ALADEEN: Yeah, right,
and not in a good way.

908
00:48:52,763 --> 00:48:54,390
It just makes me so mad!

909
00:48:54,473 --> 00:48:57,226
You know, Zoey,
you were great back there.

910
00:48:57,309 --> 00:48:58,936
Thanks. I just...

911
00:48:59,562 --> 00:49:01,109
I don't know, I just feel so sorry

912
00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:02,565
that wherever you go in the world,

913
00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:04,321
you're the victim of police abuse.

914
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,492
Well, not always the victim.

915
00:49:05,651 --> 00:49:09,952
Come here. I'm just so sorry!
You're okay now.

916
00:49:10,197 --> 00:49:11,289
All right'?

917
00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:13,743
And I'm not gonna let
anything bad happen to you.

918
00:49:13,826 --> 00:49:15,544
You know what? Let's get you
back to the collective, okay?

919
00:49:16,328 --> 00:49:17,295
Come on.

920
00:49:17,371 --> 00:49:18,372
Mmm, no, a bit more.

921
00:49:18,998 --> 00:49:20,295
- Qkay_
- Hmm?

922
00:49:20,958 --> 00:49:22,960
- Come on, let's go. I need to go to work.
- I feel so sad!

923
00:49:24,628 --> 00:49:25,720
Let's do another hug, okay?

924
00:49:25,838 --> 00:49:27,511
Allison, why are you sad'?

925
00:49:28,674 --> 00:49:30,017
The brutality?

926
00:49:30,301 --> 00:49:32,099
Did you suffer from sexual abuse?

927
00:49:32,178 --> 00:49:35,307
Yes, they raped me
in a very unprofessional way.

928
00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:38,650
(SIGHS) Oh, no. We have
to get you to the Rape Center.

929
00:49:38,726 --> 00:49:40,569
You have a center for rape here?

930
00:49:40,644 --> 00:49:42,897
Great! I'd love to go!
Maybe another time, you know.

931
00:49:42,980 --> 00:49:46,280
Hire a limo, have some cocktails,
bring my raping shoes.

932
00:49:50,279 --> 00:49:52,122
(MAN NARRATING ON TV)

933
00:49:54,950 --> 00:49:56,327
Can you get me that one?

934
00:49:57,536 --> 00:49:58,537
Which one'?

935
00:49:59,121 --> 00:50:00,794
The one with the "fuck-me hooves."

936
00:50:01,582 --> 00:50:03,835
You're bizzare, I'm going to have
to change the channels now.

937
00:50:04,084 --> 00:50:07,554
<i>...Tour from hell
for an Ohio couple earlier today when,</i>

938
00:50:07,630 --> 00:50:08,802
<i>with shades of 9/11,</i>

939
00:50:08,881 --> 00:50:12,226
<i>their helicopter tour
of the Manhattan skyline was cut short</i>

940
00:50:12,301 --> 00:50:15,805
<i>by what police are now calling
a "terrorism misunderstanding"</i>

941
00:50:15,888 --> 00:50:19,734
<i>involving a man named
Emer Gencyexitonly.</i>

942
00:50:20,518 --> 00:50:21,519
Etra.

943
00:50:23,229 --> 00:50:24,401
We have a problem.

944
00:50:29,401 --> 00:50:31,824
Hannah, that guy from the
Lancaster's coming tomorrow morning,

945
00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:33,702
so why don't you take
the mafroom downstairs

946
00:50:33,781 --> 00:50:35,783
and make some sort of a nice display?

947
00:50:35,908 --> 00:50:38,457
I just want everything to be perfect.

948
00:50:39,078 --> 00:50:40,170
ALADEENI Zoey?

949
00:50:40,246 --> 00:50:41,418
Allison. Hi.

950
00:50:41,580 --> 00:50:44,174
To thank you for what you did today
at the police station,

951
00:50:44,250 --> 00:50:46,503
I have decided to bestow upon you a gift.

952
00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:49,221
- That's sweet. What is it'?
- Yeah.

953
00:50:51,882 --> 00:50:53,429
(CLICKS TONGUE)

954
00:50:56,595 --> 00:50:59,269
I don't know what that is.

955
00:50:59,431 --> 00:51:02,150
It's fine.
Please, gobble up my little mouse.

956
00:51:02,935 --> 00:51:04,187
Snack on my tiny raisin.

957
00:51:04,436 --> 00:51:05,858
Give her a mouth bath. Go.

958
00:51:05,938 --> 00:51:06,985
(CLICKS TONGUE)

959
00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:09,908
Oh! No!

960
00:51:10,943 --> 00:51:13,446
No, I am not going to do that.

961
00:51:13,779 --> 00:51:15,998
I'm getting a lot of this
and not much of this...

962
00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,837
Listen, I understand
that you're having urges, okay?

963
00:51:21,912 --> 00:51:22,959
Right.

964
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:25,632
But you need to
take care of them by yourself.

965
00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:27,759
Myself? What? How'?

966
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:29,553
You need to touch yourself.

967
00:51:29,712 --> 00:51:32,386
I don't touch myself.
Do you touch yourself?

968
00:51:32,756 --> 00:51:35,009
I think most healthy people do, yes.

969
00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:38,437
Yeah, you touch your own ma/awach?
Ugh! Disgusting! Yuck!

970
00:51:38,512 --> 00:51:39,604
(SPITS) Yuck!

971
00:51:39,847 --> 00:51:43,272
Stop joking, all right?
You've neverjerked off?

972
00:51:45,269 --> 00:51:46,862
Okay, come with me.

973
00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:48,939
Where are you taking me to?
The Rape Center?

974
00:51:52,985 --> 00:51:54,487
This is silly.

975
00:51:54,820 --> 00:51:56,163
ZOEY: Okay, um...

976
00:51:56,655 --> 00:51:59,579
Take your penis out
and put it in your hands.

977
00:51:59,658 --> 00:52:00,705
ALADEENI This is silly.

978
00:52:02,661 --> 00:52:06,632
Now, slowly move your hand
up and down.

979
00:52:06,707 --> 00:52:07,799
Okay. (GRUNTS)

980
00:52:08,626 --> 00:52:10,799
I told you already, this is...

981
00:52:14,131 --> 00:52:15,303
Wait.

982
00:52:15,758 --> 00:52:17,556
What sorcery is this?

983
00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:20,684
<i>Some people wait a lifetime</i>

984
00:52:20,763 --> 00:52:25,485
<i>For a moment like this</i>

985
00:52:25,559 --> 00:52:28,813
<i>Some people wait a lifetime</i>

986
00:52:28,896 --> 00:52:31,820
<i>For a moment like this</i>

987
00:52:31,899 --> 00:52:37,247
<i>Whoa, I can't believe
it's happening to me</i>

988
00:52:37,321 --> 00:52:40,245
<i>Some people wait a lifetime</i>

989
00:52:40,324 --> 00:52:45,831
<i>For a moment like this</i>

990
00:52:50,459 --> 00:52:54,805
<i>I can't believe it's happening to me</i>

991
00:52:56,256 --> 00:52:59,055
I did it!
I just jerked it completely off!

992
00:52:59,134 --> 00:53:00,602
<i>L</i> did it all by myself!

993
00:53:00,678 --> 00:53:03,022
- With this hand right here!
- Ew!

994
00:53:03,097 --> 00:53:06,317
I grabbed my bilbul
like I was strangling a bird.

995
00:53:06,392 --> 00:53:08,565
And I smacked it
and I smacked it and I gave it a flick,

996
00:53:08,644 --> 00:53:09,987
<i>and out came my own labeneh!</i>

997
00:53:10,229 --> 00:53:11,230
zoey?

998
00:53:11,397 --> 00:53:14,992
Zoey! You have changed my life!

999
00:53:15,526 --> 00:53:19,576
Give a man a vagina
and he will shpichs for a day.

1000
00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:23,375
Teach a man how to use
his hand as a vagina,

1001
00:53:23,575 --> 00:53:25,418
and he will <i>shpichs</i> for a lifetime.

1002
00:53:25,869 --> 00:53:28,588
Oh. No, no. Thank you. Um...

1003
00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:31,417
Allison, you may need to keep
your voice down because...

1004
00:53:31,959 --> 00:53:34,462
We've got a lot of customers.
You may want to go wash up.

1005
00:53:34,545 --> 00:53:35,592
Fine.

1006
00:53:35,671 --> 00:53:38,345
Joseph! go and hose down my Crocs.

1007
00:53:38,757 --> 00:53:41,852
I've done my Iabeneh
all over the wellness center.

1008
00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:47,520
Okay.

1009
00:53:50,269 --> 00:53:52,897
The guy from the Lancaster
is going to love this.

1010
00:53:53,731 --> 00:53:54,732
Okay.

1011
00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:56,282
Good night, Allison.

1012
00:53:56,567 --> 00:53:58,160
I'll see you tomorrow morning.

1013
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:00,909
Good night! Thank you again.

1014
00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:07,620
This is nice. Or lovely.

1015
00:54:08,328 --> 00:54:09,500
(PHONE RINGING)

1016
00:54:12,833 --> 00:54:14,301
- Who is it'?
- Nadal.

1017
00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:15,423
<i>What are you doing?</i>

1018
00:54:15,502 --> 00:54:17,129
I've discovered this amazing thing.

1019
00:54:17,254 --> 00:54:19,052
I have to show you how to do it.

1020
00:54:19,798 --> 00:54:20,970
It's called self juicing.

1021
00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:24,053
You put your hand
on your bilbul and you rub it,

1022
00:54:24,136 --> 00:54:26,389
and then you can make
your own Iabeneh come out.

1023
00:54:26,472 --> 00:54:27,849
You don't have to spend any Rolexes.

1024
00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:29,771
You don't have to give
any dirty diamonds.

1025
00:54:29,850 --> 00:54:32,694
I cannot believe I'm having this
conversation with an adult man.

1026
00:54:32,770 --> 00:54:34,363
What do you mean?
You knew about this?

1027
00:54:34,480 --> 00:54:35,823
Everybody knows about this.

1028
00:54:36,482 --> 00:54:39,827
We all know about this
from the age of 12, 13.

1029
00:54:39,985 --> 00:54:41,987
Why does nobody ever tell me anything'?

1030
00:54:42,154 --> 00:54:44,953
Because you have everybody executed
who tells you anything.

1031
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:47,663
Listen, I'm thinking of
revealing my true identity

1032
00:54:47,868 --> 00:54:49,666
to the hairy titted ape woman.

1033
00:54:49,745 --> 00:54:51,964
Whoa! No, what?
Why would you even do that?

1034
00:54:52,039 --> 00:54:53,586
I think she'll be cool with it.

1035
00:54:53,832 --> 00:54:55,300
She will not be cool with it

1036
00:54:55,417 --> 00:54:58,466
How is she to judge?
She shaves her armpits once a year,

1037
00:54:58,545 --> 00:55:01,173
and she takes lovers
outside of her ethnic group.

1038
00:55:01,381 --> 00:55:03,258
Are my crimes any worse than hers?

1039
00:55:03,509 --> 00:55:05,511
Remember, you hate her.</i>

1040
00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:07,229
And everything she stands for.

1041
00:55:07,638 --> 00:55:09,606
- Okay.
- I have to go now.

1042
00:55:10,933 --> 00:55:11,934
I despise you.

1043
00:55:12,142 --> 00:55:14,190
You know, sometimes you say
some very hurtful things.

1044
00:55:14,353 --> 00:55:15,855
Anyway, I'm going to hang up on you.

1045
00:55:15,979 --> 00:55:18,858
No, come on. This is
like a real opportunity for me.

1046
00:55:18,941 --> 00:55:20,033
I want to hang up first.

1047
00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:21,826
I've hung up. I hung up already.

1048
00:55:22,194 --> 00:55:23,446
(ALADEEN MIMICS
DIAL TONE SOUNDING)

1049
00:55:23,529 --> 00:55:25,782
That is your voice doing that noise.
You have not hung up.

1050
00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:27,832
I am hanging up. Click!
(MIMICS DIAL TONE SOUNDING)

1051
00:55:28,742 --> 00:55:29,959
Nadal, are you still there?

1052
00:55:30,035 --> 00:55:31,332
(SILENCE)

1053
00:55:31,453 --> 00:55:33,672
- Nadal, are you still there?
- I win'

1054
00:55:33,747 --> 00:55:36,170
(GROANS) No wonder
you're a Mac Genius.

1055
00:55:37,042 --> 00:55:38,510
What a fucking idiot.

1056
00:55:41,255 --> 00:55:42,256
(CLATTERING)

1057
00:55:45,259 --> 00:55:46,602
Zoey!

1058
00:55:51,974 --> 00:55:53,317
Zoey!

1059
00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:57,900
Zoey!

1060
00:56:09,241 --> 00:56:10,242
Zoey?

1061
00:56:12,953 --> 00:56:13,954
Etra.

1062
00:56:15,747 --> 00:56:16,748
- Etra...
-(GRUNTS)

1063
00:56:41,273 --> 00:56:42,320
(WHIMPERS)

1064
00:56:43,317 --> 00:56:45,786
Etra, is this because
you're the only virgin guard

1065
00:56:45,861 --> 00:56:47,033
that I left a virgin?

1066
00:57:05,964 --> 00:57:06,965
(SCREAMS)

1067
00:57:10,636 --> 00:57:11,808
(PANTING)

1068
00:57:18,268 --> 00:57:19,269
(SCREAMS)

1069
00:57:28,737 --> 00:57:30,080
(SCREAMING FRIGHTFULLY)

1070
00:57:54,429 --> 00:57:55,430
(GRUNTS)

1071
00:58:16,243 --> 00:58:18,837
One, two...

1072
00:58:20,914 --> 00:58:22,006
Bloop.

1073
00:58:23,583 --> 00:58:24,755
Text book.

1074
00:58:26,461 --> 00:58:29,305
Thank you so much
for meeting me early, Mr' Ogden.

1075
00:58:29,631 --> 00:58:31,383
I cannot wait for you
to sample our mafroom.

1076
00:58:31,550 --> 00:58:33,348
You are gonna swear
that you're in Wadiya.

1077
00:58:34,344 --> 00:58:36,267
Excuse me. What is that over there'?

1078
00:58:36,555 --> 00:58:38,523
That is a "C" in your window.

1079
00:58:38,724 --> 00:58:40,852
No, no, no... They're totally
biased against this. They hate us.

1080
00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:42,686
No, it's not. I know what a "C" means.

1081
00:58:42,769 --> 00:58:43,986
It's not a very good...

1082
00:58:47,232 --> 00:58:48,233
Ugh.

1083
00:58:48,400 --> 00:58:49,572
Oh, my God!

1084
00:58:50,736 --> 00:58:52,204
Allison, what happened?

1085
00:58:52,904 --> 00:58:53,905
Uh...

1086
00:58:54,906 --> 00:58:56,499
I don't know, I...

1087
00:58:56,783 --> 00:58:59,252
I was downstairs self juicing.

1088
00:59:01,038 --> 00:59:02,039
All night'?

1089
00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:03,422
- Yes.
-(EXHALES)

1090
00:59:03,498 --> 00:59:04,795
I'm sorry, you were doing what?

1091
00:59:05,250 --> 00:59:06,422
Doing the jerk off.

1092
00:59:06,793 --> 00:59:08,545
Jerking myself totally off.

1093
00:59:08,628 --> 00:59:10,175
- I'm sorry?
- Let me show you.

1094
00:59:10,380 --> 00:59:11,597
- ZOEY: No.
- She taught me.

1095
00:59:11,757 --> 00:59:12,849
Oh, she taught you, did she?

1096
00:59:12,924 --> 00:59:15,347
- No...
- Well, thank you very much.

1097
00:59:15,510 --> 00:59:16,682
The contract is canceled.

1098
00:59:16,762 --> 00:59:17,763
- That's it!
- No,

1099
00:59:17,846 --> 00:59:19,268
No, I'm going to Green World. It's over.

1100
00:59:19,431 --> 00:59:20,853
- No, Mr. Ogden.
- Remember, I have to pay that...

1101
00:59:20,932 --> 00:59:23,902
- Please, no, no.
- Self juicing. Filth!

1102
00:59:24,936 --> 00:59:26,028
Oh, my God...

1103
00:59:26,438 --> 00:59:27,530
Zoeyn.

1104
00:59:27,773 --> 00:59:29,320
We must get that contract back.

1105
00:59:29,608 --> 00:59:30,780
We can't!

1106
00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:33,908
It's impossible.
We can't compete with Green World.

1107
00:59:34,613 --> 00:59:36,456
We will see about that.

1108
00:59:36,531 --> 00:59:39,660
But from now on, it is my way

1109
00:59:39,743 --> 00:59:44,419
<i>or the highwahahtmaa-
fferrohshelechnichway.</i>

1110
00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:47,463
There has been a regime change!

1111
00:59:47,542 --> 00:59:49,886
Yo! You are stocking the shelves.

1112
00:59:50,295 --> 00:59:52,718
You, senile Romanian accountant.

1113
00:59:52,798 --> 00:59:54,471
You are on the cash register.

1114
00:59:54,633 --> 00:59:58,558
<i>The CEO of Green World
does not drive a hybrid!</i>

1115
01:00:00,806 --> 01:00:02,979
<i>The chemicals in Green World produce</i>

1116
01:00:03,225 --> 01:00:05,398
<i>made this boy grow tits!</i>

1117
01:00:11,066 --> 01:00:13,239
You promise not to steal again?

1118
01:00:13,318 --> 01:00:14,991
I won't. I won't!

1119
01:00:15,237 --> 01:00:16,955
Give him one more for fun, Viktor.

1120
01:00:17,030 --> 01:00:18,282
(SCREAMS)

1121
01:00:18,532 --> 01:00:20,034
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

1122
01:00:36,967 --> 01:00:38,389
Good choice.

1123
01:00:41,930 --> 01:00:44,274
(MUFFLED CRIES OF RELIEF)

1124
01:00:53,108 --> 01:00:54,781
ZOEY: Hi, Viktor.

1125
01:01:01,992 --> 01:01:03,118
(GASPS)

1126
01:01:03,451 --> 01:01:04,828
(CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)

1127
01:01:10,792 --> 01:01:12,385
- Supreme Grocer.
- Hmm?

1128
01:01:12,460 --> 01:01:14,212
The radicchio
has been washed and sorted,

1129
01:01:14,296 --> 01:01:16,048
and the spray hose
has been tightly coiled.

1130
01:01:16,131 --> 01:01:17,804
Very good. Now go upstairs

1131
01:01:17,883 --> 01:01:20,136
and finish composting
the wheatgrass tailings, okay?

1132
01:01:20,218 --> 01:01:21,561
- Yes, Supreme Grocer.
-(CLICKS TONGUE)

1133
01:01:21,678 --> 01:01:23,055
(AMAZED LAUGH)

1134
01:01:23,471 --> 01:01:24,814
Zoey!

1135
01:01:24,890 --> 01:01:27,143
(LAUGHS) What? Look...

1136
01:01:27,767 --> 01:01:28,814
Wow!

1137
01:01:29,436 --> 01:01:30,904
It's amazing!

1138
01:01:30,979 --> 01:01:33,732
Oh, it's not amazing.
It's just a little less shit.

1139
01:01:34,024 --> 01:01:35,822
(SIGHS) Well, thank you.

1140
01:01:35,901 --> 01:01:36,948
(CELL PHONE PLAYING FUNKYTOWN)

1141
01:01:37,027 --> 01:01:38,779
- Sorry.
- Oh, of course.

1142
01:01:38,862 --> 01:01:41,741
- Personal.
- Thank you. Thank you again.

1143
01:01:43,909 --> 01:01:45,832
- Hello?
- I have some very good news.

1144
01:01:45,911 --> 01:01:46,958
<i>What is it?</i>

1145
01:01:47,037 --> 01:01:50,667
I managed to buy some beards at the
wig store today that are perfect.

1146
01:01:50,749 --> 01:01:52,968
<i>No, Nadal, it must be real hair.</i>

1147
01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:55,091
<i>- And from the head of a great man!
- What?</i>

1148
01:01:55,170 --> 01:01:56,843
<i>Like Castro or Gandalf.</i>

1149
01:01:56,922 --> 01:01:58,174
No... (SIGHS)

1150
01:02:01,009 --> 01:02:03,683
ALADEEN: Well done, Nadal.
This beard is perfect.

1151
01:02:08,850 --> 01:02:10,944
Those are lovely flowers.

1152
01:02:11,019 --> 01:02:12,942
You know, Zoey is thinking of opening

1153
01:02:13,021 --> 01:02:15,365
an eco-friendly
flower section to the store.

1154
01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:18,740
This is the fifth time you've mentioned
her today. What is going on?

1155
01:02:18,818 --> 01:02:20,491
The signing is in two days.

1156
01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:22,413
Tell me you're not falling for this woman!

1157
01:02:22,864 --> 01:02:25,538
Of course I'm not. This is silly.

1158
01:02:25,867 --> 01:02:28,871
Okay. good. All we need to do
is slip into this chapel...

1159
01:02:28,954 --> 01:02:30,126
And yet, it's strange.

1160
01:02:30,205 --> 01:02:32,128
The other day, I asked her to, you know,

1161
01:02:32,207 --> 01:02:34,881
gobble on my bilbul and she said, "No."

1162
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:36,962
So obviously I wanted to execute her.

1163
01:02:37,045 --> 01:02:40,299
But the thought of
her decapitated head actually upset me,

1164
01:02:40,382 --> 01:02:42,134
-so I decided not to do it.
- No.

1165
01:02:42,217 --> 01:02:45,562
When the thought of someone's
decapitated head upsets you,

1166
01:02:45,637 --> 01:02:47,389
(SIGHS) that is love.

1167
01:02:47,639 --> 01:02:50,643
- I swear, I don't even like her at all.
- You don't like her?

1168
01:02:50,809 --> 01:02:53,562
She has the body shape
of a 14-year-old boy.

1169
01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:57,650
Well, that is
a particular weakness of yours.

1170
01:02:57,732 --> 01:02:59,655
Need I remind you
of the Menudo incident?

1171
01:02:59,859 --> 01:03:01,611
Those boys had their eyes open.

1172
01:03:01,695 --> 01:03:02,992
They knew exactly what they were doing.

1173
01:03:03,071 --> 01:03:04,573
We made them have their eyes open.

1174
01:03:04,656 --> 01:03:06,829
You made me hold
one of their eyes open,

1175
01:03:06,908 --> 01:03:08,535
so they'd see what
you were doing to them.

1176
01:03:09,119 --> 01:03:11,167
They seemed to be having
a pretty good time.

1177
01:03:11,246 --> 01:03:13,715
They were not.
Those boys were crying.

1178
01:03:13,999 --> 01:03:15,251
Three of them killed themselves!

1179
01:03:16,251 --> 01:03:17,377
Nothing to do with me.

1180
01:03:17,460 --> 01:03:19,838
Everything to do with you!
A lot of them wrote notes.

1181
01:03:19,921 --> 01:03:22,595
In their suicide notes
they named you by name!

1182
01:03:22,841 --> 01:03:25,139
It's all a rumor. And you're being silly.

1183
01:03:25,719 --> 01:03:27,062
Hello, gentlemen. How you doin'?

1184
01:03:27,345 --> 01:03:28,847
Are you guys friends of the deceased?

1185
01:03:29,180 --> 01:03:30,932
Uh... How do I put this?

1186
01:03:31,182 --> 01:03:32,684
He was my nigger.

1187
01:03:33,018 --> 01:03:34,486
No, that's not the way to put it.

1188
01:03:34,602 --> 01:03:36,229
- Whoa, whoa!
- No?

1189
01:03:36,479 --> 01:03:37,901
He was my negger. Nigger. Nagger?

1190
01:03:37,981 --> 01:03:39,198
- No, no, no.
- What is that?

1191
01:03:39,274 --> 01:03:40,571
- Negar. Nigger? Nagur?
- No, no.

1192
01:03:40,650 --> 01:03:41,822
Please stop. Please.

1193
01:03:41,901 --> 01:03:42,948
I told you, before we came in.

1194
01:03:43,028 --> 01:03:45,531
One word, do not say.
Is the exact word you're using now.

1195
01:03:45,613 --> 01:03:46,990
- No, I said Nuga...
- One dozen times.

1196
01:03:47,198 --> 01:03:50,122
Please relate to him that
there could be two funerals today.

1197
01:03:50,243 --> 01:03:52,211
I... Believe me when I tell you,

1198
01:03:52,329 --> 01:03:55,629
we are here only
to pay our respects to a great man.

1199
01:03:55,874 --> 01:03:58,047
Okay, Eldridge's casket
is laying in the chapel right now.

1200
01:03:58,335 --> 01:03:59,882
We're gonna have the viewing
in a few minutes.

1201
01:04:00,211 --> 01:04:01,383
Thank you very much.

1202
01:04:03,006 --> 01:04:04,383
I love your music, by the way.

1203
01:04:04,549 --> 01:04:05,926
No, it's not. He's not a musician.

1204
01:04:06,051 --> 01:04:09,931
I'm so, so sorry that
Whitney turned out like she did.

1205
01:04:10,055 --> 01:04:11,307
- It's not Bobby Brown.
- Hey“.

1206
01:04:15,977 --> 01:04:18,230
- Go there.
- Okay. Here we go.

1207
01:04:27,864 --> 01:04:28,956
USHER: Hello? Somebody in here?

1208
01:04:29,032 --> 01:04:31,160
Nadal!
The Sub-Saharans have discovered us!

1209
01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:32,835
- What? Okay, okay, okay!
- ALADEEN: Hurry, hurry!

1210
01:04:32,911 --> 01:04:34,413
- Just a moment!
- What you doin' in there?

1211
01:04:34,913 --> 01:04:36,540
Um... Jerking off.

1212
01:04:37,123 --> 01:04:38,124
Open this door!

1213
01:04:38,583 --> 01:04:40,506
- ALADEEN: No, no, no!
- Open the door now!

1214
01:04:40,752 --> 01:04:43,096
Quick! Plan B! Plan B!

1215
01:04:44,130 --> 01:04:45,848
(ACTION MOVIE MUSIC PLAYING)

1216
01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:53,772
Why did you chop off his head?

1217
01:04:53,848 --> 01:04:54,940
You said Plan B!

1218
01:04:55,016 --> 01:04:56,814
Plan B was to have coffee and regroup,

1219
01:04:56,893 --> 01:04:59,237
it was not to chop his head off!

1220
01:05:07,278 --> 01:05:09,076
ALADEEN: (IN DEEP VOICE)
Good morning, Nadall

1221
01:05:09,948 --> 01:05:12,292
Wake up! Good morning, Nadal!

1222
01:05:12,826 --> 01:05:14,453
(SCREAMING)

1223
01:05:14,828 --> 01:05:16,455
-(LAUGHS)
- NADAL: No, no, no, no, no, no!

1224
01:05:16,579 --> 01:05:17,626
Get this away from me!

1225
01:05:17,705 --> 01:05:18,957
You know, me and you are quite a team.

1226
01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:20,041
No, no.

1227
01:05:20,125 --> 01:05:21,547
You know who else
makes a great team?

1228
01:05:21,626 --> 01:05:24,095
<i>(SINGING) Ebony and ivory</i>

1229
01:05:24,170 --> 01:05:25,592
(SHRIEKS) No, no, no!

1230
01:05:25,713 --> 01:05:27,056
<i>Live together in perfect harmony</i>

1231
01:05:27,132 --> 01:05:28,133
What is wrong with you?
Get it out of here!

1232
01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:30,176
(LAUGHS) Good one.

1233
01:05:34,639 --> 01:05:36,391
<i>(SINGING) Sp/ish splash
I was taking a bath!</i>

1234
01:05:36,474 --> 01:05:37,475
(SCREAMING)

1235
01:05:37,559 --> 01:05:39,152
No! Get it out of here!

1236
01:05:40,311 --> 01:05:41,984
Oh, that is weird.

1237
01:05:43,481 --> 01:05:48,328
I threw in some carob-covered
goji berries, just as a treat. Enjoy.

1238
01:05:48,820 --> 01:05:53,075
Thank you. That's very kind of you.
You're a very nice man.

1239
01:05:53,658 --> 01:05:55,660
What the fuck did you call me?

1240
01:05:56,661 --> 01:05:58,504
I said you were nice!

1241
01:06:03,501 --> 01:06:07,426
Allison! The Lancasterjust called!
We got the contract back!

1242
01:06:07,505 --> 01:06:09,599
- Great! Whatever! (LAUGHS)
- I know!

1243
01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:12,018
Green World is shutting down
their Manhattan store!

1244
01:06:12,343 --> 01:06:14,220
I wonder what could have happened?

1245
01:06:16,306 --> 01:06:18,308
Be careful with that, sweetheart.
Be careful.

1246
01:06:18,600 --> 01:06:21,353
Oh, yeah, we're going to have
a nice big salad. (SCREAMS)

1247
01:06:22,187 --> 01:06:23,905
Celebratory cuddle?

1248
01:06:24,189 --> 01:06:25,236
- Oh.
- Mmm

1249
01:06:25,523 --> 01:06:26,615
- Ooh, well done!
- Oh!

1250
01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:28,196
- Ooh, you smell bad.
- I know.

1251
01:06:28,693 --> 01:06:29,785
MAN: Help!

1252
01:06:29,861 --> 01:06:32,080
Somebody help! My wife is in labor!

1253
01:06:32,405 --> 01:06:34,032
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

1254
01:06:34,199 --> 01:06:36,998
Baby? The ambulance can't be here
for 20 minutes. Can you hold it?

1255
01:06:37,076 --> 01:06:38,749
I can't hold it! It's coming out!

1256
01:06:39,037 --> 01:06:40,163
It's coming out!

1257
01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:42,965
Does anyone have
any medical experience?

1258
01:06:43,208 --> 01:06:46,803
I was Wadiya's Chief Surgeon
for the last 22 years.

1259
01:06:47,086 --> 01:06:48,884
Please. Please help us. Please.

1260
01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:51,132
- Allison, they need your help. Come on.
- Okay, fine.

1261
01:06:51,758 --> 01:06:52,759
Come on.

1262
01:06:53,259 --> 01:06:54,306
Are you okay?

1263
01:06:54,385 --> 01:06:55,557
(WHINING)

1264
01:06:55,762 --> 01:06:57,480
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

1265
01:06:57,555 --> 01:06:58,932
Sorry! Old habits die hard.

1266
01:06:59,390 --> 01:07:01,063
All right, I'm going in.

1267
01:07:01,351 --> 01:07:02,728
(SCREAMING)

1268
01:07:02,977 --> 01:07:04,024
That's the wrong hole!

1269
01:07:04,103 --> 01:07:06,071
- What?
- You just put your fist up the wrong hole.

1270
01:07:06,231 --> 01:07:07,824
If I had a dollar
for every time I heard that.

1271
01:07:07,899 --> 01:07:08,900
(CHUCKLES)

1272
01:07:09,734 --> 01:07:10,781
Get it outta there.

1273
01:07:11,486 --> 01:07:13,488
- Going in again.
- Okay, good. (SCREAMING)

1274
01:07:13,655 --> 01:07:15,248
Still my asshole!

1275
01:07:15,490 --> 01:07:16,992
What is wrong with you, man?

1276
01:07:17,075 --> 01:07:18,543
You just put it in my asshole again!

1277
01:07:18,618 --> 01:07:20,120
Just go up from where you are.

1278
01:07:20,828 --> 01:07:23,456
The good news is,
your prostate is completely healthy.

1279
01:07:24,040 --> 01:07:25,963
-(SOBS)
- That's good. That's good.

1280
01:07:26,334 --> 01:07:27,677
- Going in again.
- WOMAN: Okay, good.

1281
01:07:27,752 --> 01:07:28,799
(GRUNTING)

1282
01:07:28,878 --> 01:07:29,925
(EXHALES LOUDLY)

1283
01:07:30,088 --> 01:07:31,340
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

1284
01:07:31,422 --> 01:07:32,594
Hold on.

1285
01:07:33,925 --> 01:07:34,972
What are you...

1286
01:07:35,051 --> 01:07:36,303
(WOMAN GRUNTING)

1287
01:07:37,262 --> 01:07:38,935
Allison, stop it! You need two hands!

1288
01:07:39,180 --> 01:07:40,352
But I'm in the middle of the text.

1289
01:07:40,598 --> 01:07:42,191
(SCREAMING) It's coming out!

1290
01:07:43,142 --> 01:07:44,268
(SQUEALS)

1291
01:07:45,603 --> 01:07:47,355
(CELL PHONE PLAYING FUNKYTOWN)

1292
01:07:47,438 --> 01:07:48,815
- Where is that coming from?
- What?

1293
01:07:54,112 --> 01:07:56,114
I'm really sorry.
I'm gonna have to take this call.

1294
01:07:56,322 --> 01:07:57,665
Is there a phone in my body?

1295
01:07:57,949 --> 01:07:59,292
<i>NADAL: (ON PHONE)
What are you doing?</i>

1296
01:07:59,409 --> 01:08:00,786
Uh, I'm in the Lincoln Tunnel.

1297
01:08:00,994 --> 01:08:03,338
<i>What? Okay, look.
We need to talk for a minute.</i>

1298
01:08:03,663 --> 01:08:05,631
Hello, Nadal. Listen, I can't speak now.

1299
01:08:05,707 --> 01:08:07,209
I'll speak to you later, okay? Bye!

1300
01:08:07,542 --> 01:08:09,465
Stop talking to my vagina!

1301
01:08:10,795 --> 01:08:13,469
Zoey, the baby's stuck. I need you
to put your hand in and help me.

1302
01:08:13,756 --> 01:08:15,008
- What? No...
- Come on! Put it in!

1303
01:08:15,091 --> 01:08:16,809
- No, don't be scared. Put it in.
- Okay. Okay.

1304
01:08:17,051 --> 01:08:18,394
- I'm sorry.
- Put it right there on the right side.

1305
01:08:18,469 --> 01:08:20,392
- Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh!
- Push in.

1306
01:08:20,471 --> 01:08:21,472
(GASPS)

1307
01:08:21,556 --> 01:08:22,682
I think I feel an arm!

1308
01:08:22,765 --> 01:08:23,766
(EXHALES DEEPLY)

1309
01:08:24,309 --> 01:08:25,310
That's my finger.

1310
01:08:38,698 --> 01:08:41,247
Excuse me. You guys
make a really cute couple together.

1311
01:08:41,326 --> 01:08:42,953
But maybe could you finish doing this

1312
01:08:43,036 --> 01:08:45,004
when you're not elbow-deep
in my pussy!

1313
01:08:45,330 --> 01:08:47,549
Okay, Allison, you've got the head?

1314
01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:49,584
- I've got the head.
- Okay, it's coming out.

1315
01:08:49,667 --> 01:08:50,714
Come on, push!

1316
01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:52,337
(BOTH SCREAMING)

1317
01:08:53,171 --> 01:08:56,015
Where are the rebel bases?
Where are the rebel bases?

1318
01:08:56,341 --> 01:08:57,888
Sorry, Sorry!

1319
01:08:58,176 --> 01:09:01,146
Wait, I can see the head!
I can see the head!

1320
01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:02,346
WOMAN: I can't push any more!

1321
01:09:02,430 --> 01:09:04,057
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

1322
01:09:06,851 --> 01:09:09,274
You did it! You did it!

1323
01:09:10,355 --> 01:09:11,607
(CRYING)

1324
01:09:17,528 --> 01:09:18,871
I sentence you

1325
01:09:19,197 --> 01:09:20,699
to life.

1326
01:09:21,366 --> 01:09:23,039
(PAINFUL SCREAMS)

1327
01:09:23,201 --> 01:09:24,293
It's still attached!

1328
01:09:24,410 --> 01:09:26,378
Oh! Sorry. Oh, no.

1329
01:09:26,537 --> 01:09:27,880
- What's wrong?
- I'm sorry.

1330
01:09:28,081 --> 01:09:29,583
It's bad news.

1331
01:09:29,916 --> 01:09:31,042
It's a girl.

1332
01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:34,216
Where's the trash can'?

1333
01:09:34,420 --> 01:09:36,422
No, no, no, no! That's what we wanted!

1334
01:09:36,714 --> 01:09:38,387
We'll take her, we'll take her.

1335
01:09:38,466 --> 01:09:39,467
On, baby.

1336
01:09:43,971 --> 01:09:46,815
ZOEY: You were so amazing down there.

1337
01:09:47,141 --> 01:09:49,235
You saved a little person's life.

1338
01:09:54,232 --> 01:09:55,404
Whoo!

1339
01:09:57,068 --> 01:09:58,320
(MOANS)

1340
01:09:58,403 --> 01:09:59,996
It feels so nice to kiss you.

1341
01:10:00,071 --> 01:10:01,493
I know. It's nice to kiss you, too.

1342
01:10:01,572 --> 01:10:03,074
I love the hugging.

1343
01:10:03,491 --> 01:10:04,868
I just came.

1344
01:10:04,951 --> 01:10:06,203
(LAUGHS)

1345
01:10:08,162 --> 01:10:09,664
I don't care.

1346
01:10:11,040 --> 01:10:12,166
Lie back.

1347
01:10:12,250 --> 01:10:13,297
Okay.

1348
01:10:13,376 --> 01:10:15,049
This is going to be amazing for you.

1349
01:10:15,128 --> 01:10:16,471
Okay!

1350
01:10:16,629 --> 01:10:18,222
<i>(LET'S</i> GET IT ON
PLAYING IN ARABIC)

1351
01:10:29,100 --> 01:10:31,148
-(LAUGHS)
- You have such a small stomach.

1352
01:10:31,227 --> 01:10:33,525
It's like a 10-year-old boy's.

1353
01:10:33,604 --> 01:10:34,730
<i>Oh...</i>

1354
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:38,193
Normally, I don't kiss
a 10-year-old boy's stomach. (LAUGHS)

1355
01:10:38,276 --> 01:10:39,493
They kiss mine.

1356
01:10:40,862 --> 01:10:42,660
See you in 15 minutes.

1357
01:10:42,739 --> 01:10:43,786
(GASPS)

1358
01:10:45,283 --> 01:10:46,330
Okay.

1359
01:10:47,827 --> 01:10:49,625
(ZOEY MOANING)

1360
01:10:55,376 --> 01:10:56,719
Wait, wait.

1361
01:10:57,044 --> 01:10:58,387
Wait.

1362
01:11:00,339 --> 01:11:02,512
Allison, before we go any further,

1363
01:11:03,384 --> 01:11:05,478
there's something that I want to tell you.

1364
01:11:05,720 --> 01:11:08,314
You've got a dick. I knew it.

1365
01:11:09,056 --> 01:11:11,184
Allison, I don't have a dick.

1366
01:11:11,434 --> 01:11:12,686
Great!

1367
01:11:13,060 --> 01:11:15,438
And I've never been
with a guy with a dick.

1368
01:11:15,646 --> 01:11:16,943
Or any guy.

1369
01:11:18,608 --> 01:11:19,655
Or boys.

1370
01:11:21,819 --> 01:11:22,991
Just girls.

1371
01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:25,455
And children.

1372
01:11:25,948 --> 01:11:28,792
Not male ones. Female ones.

1373
01:11:31,204 --> 01:11:32,251
Okay.

1374
01:11:32,455 --> 01:11:34,708
What I wanted to tell you was this.

1375
01:11:34,791 --> 01:11:37,965
I really want to be with you,
Allison Burgers'

1376
01:11:38,795 --> 01:11:40,047
Zoey!

1377
01:11:41,839 --> 01:11:43,933
I'm not really Allison Burgers.

1378
01:11:45,009 --> 01:11:47,683
I'm actually a little somebody called

1379
01:11:48,679 --> 01:11:50,681
Admiral General

1380
01:11:51,390 --> 01:11:52,642
Aladeen.

1381
01:11:53,518 --> 01:11:54,565
(SCOFFS)

1382
01:11:55,102 --> 01:11:56,604
(BOTH LAUGHING)

1383
01:11:57,063 --> 01:11:59,236
No, what's your real name?

1384
01:11:59,440 --> 01:12:01,192
Wait, this will convince you.

1385
01:12:03,027 --> 01:12:04,074
Look, it's me!

1386
01:12:04,987 --> 01:12:08,161
The weapons inspectors
will bathe in their own blood!

1387
01:12:08,366 --> 01:12:09,413
(LAUGHS)

1388
01:12:09,575 --> 01:12:11,043
That's your beard?

1389
01:12:11,118 --> 01:12:13,166
No, no, no! It's not my beard.

1390
01:12:13,246 --> 01:12:15,294
My friend chopped the head
off Morgan Freeman.

1391
01:12:15,748 --> 01:12:18,046
It's a hilarious story.
I'll tell you later, okay?

1392
01:12:18,584 --> 01:12:21,884
You are out of your mind. You're insane!

1393
01:12:22,046 --> 01:12:24,970
Well, you download songs
illegally from the Internet.

1394
01:12:25,508 --> 01:12:27,055
So let's not throw stones, okay?

1395
01:12:27,802 --> 01:12:29,145
You're a murderer!

1396
01:12:29,470 --> 01:12:31,518
No, no, no! Zoey, Zoey, Zoey! No.

1397
01:12:31,597 --> 01:12:34,851
You were just using me
to get access to that hotel!

1398
01:12:34,934 --> 01:12:36,151
No!

1399
01:12:36,227 --> 01:12:39,822
Zoey, I'm attracted to you
in a really fucked-up way.

1400
01:12:40,314 --> 01:12:42,316
Oh, my God!

1401
01:12:42,650 --> 01:12:45,199
I'm canceling that contract tomorrow!

1402
01:12:45,653 --> 01:12:47,906
No, Zoey! What have I ever done wrong?

1403
01:12:48,155 --> 01:12:50,157
You lied to me!

1404
01:12:50,241 --> 01:12:52,664
And you're wanted for war crimes!

1405
01:12:52,743 --> 01:12:54,336
That stuff never sticks.

1406
01:12:54,912 --> 01:12:56,630
You need to leave now.

1407
01:12:57,665 --> 01:13:01,135
You have broken my heart
into Aladeen pieces.

1408
01:13:09,802 --> 01:13:12,430
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

1409
01:13:23,733 --> 01:13:26,111
<i>ANCHORMAN: With the signing of
the constitution tomorrow morning,</i>

1410
01:13:26,193 --> 01:13:28,696
<i>democracy in Wadiya is just hours</i> away,

1411
01:13:28,779 --> 01:13:31,123
<i>and people are in the streets celebrating.</i>

1412
01:13:31,407 --> 01:13:32,875
<i>CROWD: (CHANTING)
Kill Aladeen, kill Aladeen, hey!</i>

1413
01:13:33,618 --> 01:13:35,461
<i>Kill Aladeen, kill Aladeen, hey!</i>

1414
01:13:35,870 --> 01:13:37,497
(CROWD CHEERING)

1415
01:13:39,790 --> 01:13:41,633
<i>REPORTER: What do you think of
Admiral General Aladeen?</i>

1416
01:13:41,751 --> 01:13:43,674
<i>We hate him. We hate him.</i>

1417
01:13:43,794 --> 01:13:46,297
<i>You know, when we think of him, we...
(MIMICS VOMITING)</i>

1418
01:13:46,631 --> 01:13:48,975
<i>We vomit, and we spit
and we don't want him.</i>

1419
01:13:49,175 --> 01:13:51,303
<i>What would you say to General
Aladeen if he were watching this?</i>

1420
01:13:51,510 --> 01:13:53,183
<i>I have a message for Aladeen.</i>

1421
01:13:53,679 --> 01:13:54,896
<i>Swivel!</i>

1422
01:13:55,097 --> 01:13:57,646
ALL: (CHANTING) Swivel. Swivel.

1423
01:14:16,661 --> 01:14:18,254
- Good-bye!
- NADAL: Stop, stop, wait!

1424
01:14:18,329 --> 01:14:19,330
What are you doing?

1425
01:14:20,665 --> 01:14:21,666
How did you find me?

1426
01:14:22,249 --> 01:14:24,343
You texted me, like, seven times.

1427
01:14:26,253 --> 01:14:27,926
I am executing myself!

1428
01:14:28,255 --> 01:14:29,598
What? Why?

1429
01:14:29,757 --> 01:14:31,304
Because no one has ever loved me!

1430
01:14:31,676 --> 01:14:33,724
Your father would be ashamed of you!

1431
01:14:33,803 --> 01:14:36,431
No, I've realized
I don't want to be like my father!

1432
01:14:36,514 --> 01:14:39,063
In fact,
I don't want to be a Dictator any more!

1433
01:14:39,141 --> 01:14:40,313
What's that now?

1434
01:14:40,518 --> 01:14:43,317
I've been on a spiritual journey,
man, like Eat, Pray, Love.

1435
01:14:44,563 --> 01:14:46,236
Have you gone insane?

1436
01:14:46,482 --> 01:14:48,530
I now know that on the outside,

1437
01:14:48,609 --> 01:14:49,986
I am a bit of a cocksucker.

1438
01:14:50,277 --> 01:14:53,156
- Yeah.
- But deep down I'm nice.

1439
01:14:53,406 --> 01:14:55,750
- Not really.
- Yes, l am! I'm like mafroom.

1440
01:14:56,033 --> 01:14:58,161
Hard and spiky on the outside,

1441
01:14:58,244 --> 01:15:00,338
but soft and really mushy on the in.

1442
01:15:00,538 --> 01:15:03,883
You're not like mafroom at all.
You're like an onion.

1443
01:15:04,166 --> 01:15:06,134
An outer layer of cocksucker,

1444
01:15:06,210 --> 01:15:07,632
and when you peel it away,

1445
01:15:07,712 --> 01:15:10,431
there is 10 more layers
of cocksucker underneath.

1446
01:15:12,550 --> 01:15:13,893
You are such a schmuck!

1447
01:15:14,176 --> 01:15:16,725
- Why are you speaking Yiddish?
- I picked it up.

1448
01:15:16,846 --> 01:15:19,315
What do you mean, "I picked it up"?
Who picks up Yiddish?

1449
01:15:19,390 --> 01:15:20,562
I'm in New York!

1450
01:15:20,641 --> 01:15:22,894
We're trying to erase
that country off the map!

1451
01:15:22,977 --> 01:15:25,071
I don't like the people,
but I like the way that

1452
01:15:25,146 --> 01:15:27,820
their words really sound like
what they're meant to be.

1453
01:15:27,898 --> 01:15:30,742
Oh, I'm sorry! Did I not get the Evite
to your bar mitzvah?

1454
01:15:30,818 --> 01:15:31,990
Oh, my God!

1455
01:15:32,069 --> 01:15:34,117
You've got real chutzpah saying that!

1456
01:15:34,196 --> 01:15:36,415
Look, where has being
a nice guy gotten you, huh?

1457
01:15:36,699 --> 01:15:38,918
Standing on the edge of a bridge
about to commit suicide?

1458
01:15:38,993 --> 01:15:40,085
Still wearing Crocs?

1459
01:15:40,745 --> 01:15:42,167
What's wrong with Crocs?

1460
01:15:42,246 --> 01:15:45,250
They are the universal symbol
of a man who has given up hope!

1461
01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:48,343
<i>You might as well put sweatpants on</i>

1462
01:15:48,419 --> 01:15:50,342
and go to Applebee's
for the rest of your life!

1463
01:15:51,380 --> 01:15:53,348
I'll give you that one.
I do look ridiculous.

1464
01:15:53,424 --> 01:15:57,270
Yes! Listen, if you won't
come down from there for yourself,

1465
01:15:57,344 --> 01:15:58,596
do it for your country.

1466
01:15:58,763 --> 01:16:00,515
If this constitution is signed,

1467
01:16:00,598 --> 01:16:03,818
there will be free press,
women drivers, civil rights!

1468
01:16:04,018 --> 01:16:05,110
What are "civil rights"?

1469
01:16:05,394 --> 01:16:07,647
I'll tell you later. They're hilarious.

1470
01:16:08,147 --> 01:16:11,617
Look, you alone can stop
these terrible things from happening

1471
01:16:11,901 --> 01:16:14,495
You are the last great dictator!

1472
01:16:14,904 --> 01:16:17,077
All of the others are gone! Qaddafi,

1473
01:16:17,281 --> 01:16:19,784
Saddam, Kim Jong, Cheney.

1474
01:16:21,827 --> 01:16:23,295
You are right, Nadal.

1475
01:16:23,746 --> 01:16:25,840
I will become the greatest dictator of all,

1476
01:16:25,915 --> 01:16:27,917
the envy of madmen everywhere!

1477
01:16:28,125 --> 01:16:29,718
Yes, Supreme Leader!

1478
01:16:29,794 --> 01:16:33,173
From the mountaintops of Noﬂh Korea
to the jungles of Zimbabwe,

1479
01:16:33,255 --> 01:16:37,510
let every child laborer
and sweatshop factory worker sing,

1480
01:16:37,593 --> 01:16:40,267
"Oppressed at last! Oppressed at last!

1481
01:16:40,638 --> 01:16:43,437
"Thank Aladeen, I am oppressed at last!"

1482
01:16:43,516 --> 01:16:44,688
Yes! Whoa!

1483
01:16:44,767 --> 01:16:46,064
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?

1484
01:16:46,143 --> 01:16:47,520
- No, no, no, no, don't fall.
- I'm not doing anything.

1485
01:16:47,603 --> 01:16:50,277
Just do like a pull-up.
You know how you do pull-ups'?

1486
01:16:50,356 --> 01:16:51,573
I invented the pull-up.

1487
01:16:55,861 --> 01:16:58,956
<i>MIKE: If you're just joining us,
we are at the Lancaster Hotel,</i>

1488
01:16:59,031 --> 01:17:00,749
<i>where in about 20 minutes,</i>

1489
01:17:02,827 --> 01:17:04,670
<i>General Aladeen will be signing
the new Wadiyan constitution.</i>

1490
01:17:04,745 --> 01:17:06,588
<i>Dignitaries from around the world</i>

1491
01:17:06,664 --> 01:17:09,588
<i>are arriving now to witness
the creation of a democracy</i>

1492
01:17:09,667 --> 01:17:12,466
<i>that will undoubtedly change
the political landscape</i>

1493
01:17:12,545 --> 01:17:14,263
<i>of the entire region.</i>

1494
01:17:14,505 --> 01:17:17,509
<i>As Wadiya goes, so goes North Africa.</i>

1495
01:17:17,800 --> 01:17:19,677
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

1496
01:17:24,014 --> 01:17:26,813
Eh, Eddie Norton, next time,
you pee on me.

1497
01:17:27,101 --> 01:17:28,193
Whatever.

1498
01:17:28,519 --> 01:17:30,521
And tell Viggo Mortensen
he is on my radar'

1499
01:17:32,982 --> 01:17:35,360
How do you say, "Fly is in the soup"?

1500
01:17:35,442 --> 01:17:37,285
Ah, gentlemen, Tamir.

1501
01:17:37,653 --> 01:17:39,781
Let me introduce you
to my beautiful wife.

1502
01:17:40,322 --> 01:17:42,745
Mrs. Lao, it is my very great pleasure.

1503
01:17:42,825 --> 01:17:44,998
No, no, no, no.
She does not speak English.

1504
01:17:45,077 --> 01:17:46,294
- Oh.
- Watch this.

1505
01:17:46,996 --> 01:17:48,623
You ugly horse! (LAUGHS)

1506
01:17:49,290 --> 01:17:50,337
She doesn't know.

1507
01:17:50,958 --> 01:17:55,134
"Ohhh." See'?
She goes "Ohhh" all the time. Watch.

1508
01:17:55,671 --> 01:17:57,344
Shaved ape.

1509
01:17:57,923 --> 01:17:58,970
"Ohhh."

1510
01:18:12,479 --> 01:18:15,483
Wait. That is how you intend to get me
across to the Lancaster?

1511
01:18:15,733 --> 01:18:16,825
Absolutely.

1512
01:18:16,901 --> 01:18:18,244
- Where'd you get that?
- I built it.

1513
01:18:18,652 --> 01:18:20,905
When I was going to assassinate you.

1514
01:18:21,322 --> 01:18:22,414
You mean my double.

1515
01:18:23,157 --> 01:18:24,454
Um...

1516
01:18:25,075 --> 01:18:26,452
Sure. Yeah.

1517
01:18:31,999 --> 01:18:33,000
(BLEATS)

1518
01:18:34,210 --> 01:18:36,087
Ha-ha! Bingo!

1519
01:18:36,170 --> 01:18:38,138
(BOTH CHANTING TRIUMPHANTLY)

1520
01:18:39,173 --> 01:18:40,174
Love it!

1521
01:18:40,257 --> 01:18:41,304
- Here's what you do.
- Okay'

1522
01:18:41,383 --> 01:18:44,387
Zipline across, kill the double,

1523
01:18:44,470 --> 01:18:47,064
and then rip up the constitution
in front of the world's media.

1524
01:18:47,139 --> 01:18:48,140
Piece of cake.

1525
01:19:00,402 --> 01:19:01,745
(SCREAMING)

1526
01:19:02,529 --> 01:19:04,782
Hello, Lancaster!

1527
01:19:13,749 --> 01:19:15,046
I don't understand what has happened.

1528
01:19:15,125 --> 01:19:17,219
My calculations were very precise.

1529
01:19:17,878 --> 01:19:19,846
If you lose enough weight,
then the zipline will work.

1530
01:19:19,922 --> 01:19:21,640
Do you have anything in your pockets?

1531
01:19:21,715 --> 01:19:23,388
Uh, let me check.

1532
01:19:26,345 --> 01:19:27,562
What is that?

1533
01:19:27,638 --> 01:19:28,935
It's Vita Coco water.

1534
01:19:29,556 --> 01:19:31,058
Why do you have Vita Coco water?

1535
01:19:31,141 --> 01:19:33,815
Because it has
as much potassium as three bananas.

1536
01:19:33,894 --> 01:19:35,487
The line is still too heavy.

1537
01:19:35,562 --> 01:19:37,985
Is there anything else in your pockets
that could be weighing you down?

1538
01:19:39,984 --> 01:19:42,828
Oh, you're kidding. So then
why did you bring three bananas?

1539
01:19:42,903 --> 01:19:46,533
Because I don't trust the advertising.
I'm naturally suspicious.

1540
01:19:47,157 --> 01:19:49,660
Is there anything else you're carrying?
You're still too heavy.

1541
01:19:49,743 --> 01:19:50,869
Just this.

1542
01:19:52,705 --> 01:19:53,831
What is that, a brick?

1543
01:19:53,914 --> 01:19:56,337
All this time you've had a brick?
Why do you have that?

1544
01:19:56,417 --> 01:19:58,340
Well, to balance out the weight
from the other one.

1545
01:19:58,419 --> 01:19:59,671
You have two bricks?

1546
01:19:59,753 --> 01:20:00,800
Yes!

1547
01:20:00,879 --> 01:20:02,381
Throw them down immediately!

1548
01:20:02,840 --> 01:20:03,841
Ow'

1549
01:20:06,927 --> 01:20:09,396
Oh, my God!
There's a little goat eating the wire!

1550
01:20:12,433 --> 01:20:14,276
You need to lose weight immediately!

1551
01:20:14,601 --> 01:20:17,229
My pockets are empty. I could poo.

1552
01:20:17,604 --> 01:20:19,197
That won't be enough
to make a difference.

1553
01:20:19,273 --> 01:20:21,822
Yes, it will. I haven't gone since Wadiya.

1554
01:20:21,900 --> 01:20:24,528
Losing power
has stopped me up like a cork.

1555
01:20:24,611 --> 01:20:25,908
NADALI Hurry!

1556
01:20:25,988 --> 01:20:28,582
Come on, Supreme Leader!
Make it rain! Make it rain!

1557
01:20:28,782 --> 01:20:30,079
(DEFECATING)

1558
01:20:30,159 --> 01:20:32,412
It's out! And it's pointy!

1559
01:20:33,454 --> 01:20:34,751
Somebody stop that man!

1560
01:20:36,582 --> 01:20:37,629
Yes!

1561
01:20:38,959 --> 01:20:40,176
What? No, no, no, no!

1562
01:20:40,961 --> 01:20:42,838
- No, no, no!
-(SCREAMING)

1563
01:20:44,965 --> 01:20:45,966
(SCREAMS)

1564
01:20:48,802 --> 01:20:50,145
(GRUNTING)

1565
01:21:06,236 --> 01:21:07,783
Supreme Leader!

1566
01:21:11,158 --> 01:21:13,331
Get out of here before Tamir kills you.

1567
01:21:14,078 --> 01:21:15,170
Who is Tamir?

1568
01:21:15,579 --> 01:21:16,956
(STAMMERS) Tamir...

1569
01:21:17,039 --> 01:21:19,758
The bald bastard
who did all these terrible things to us!

1570
01:21:20,542 --> 01:21:22,260
I thought his name was Dennis.

1571
01:21:23,796 --> 01:21:28,472
How would you even make that leap?
Tamir to Dennis?

1572
01:21:29,676 --> 01:21:31,678
- Go on, get out! Get out!
- Come on, Montzi!

1573
01:21:31,762 --> 01:21:32,763
Quick!

1574
01:21:35,974 --> 01:21:37,521
Just jump. It's not that far.

1575
01:21:38,685 --> 01:21:39,937
Efawadh.

1576
01:21:40,020 --> 01:21:41,693
It is almost time.

1577
01:21:44,525 --> 01:21:46,869
<i>L</i> like goats.

1578
01:21:48,028 --> 01:21:50,497
I am very stupid.

1579
01:21:52,408 --> 01:21:54,536
<i>MIKE: This is an historic moment.</i>

1580
01:21:54,618 --> 01:21:57,462
<i>Admiral General Aladeen of Wadiya</i>

1581
01:21:57,538 --> 01:21:59,040
<i>is going to be signing</i>

1582
01:21:59,123 --> 01:22:02,798
the first democratic constitution
in the history of his nation.

1583
01:22:02,876 --> 01:22:06,847
<i>Across the globe,
people are glued to their television sets.</i>

1584
01:22:06,922 --> 01:22:09,516
<i>DENISE: The people of Wadiya
are celebrating</i>

1585
01:22:09,591 --> 01:22:12,435
<i>what will be
a new chapter in their country.</i>

1586
01:22:13,262 --> 01:22:16,186
<i>MIKE: Just moments away now
from putting his signature</i>

1587
01:22:16,265 --> 01:22:18,643
<i>on the first democratic constitution.</i>

1588
01:22:19,393 --> 01:22:22,237
DENISE: That's Tamir Mafraad,
A/adeen's trusted adviser,

1589
01:22:22,312 --> 01:22:25,316
<i>sharing a lighthearted moment with
Chinese businessman, Xiang Lao.</i>

1590
01:22:25,399 --> 01:22:27,276
<i>Any thoughts on
what they might be saying, Mike?</i>

1591
01:22:27,359 --> 01:22:30,238
I thought I made out
the words "Harvey Keitel

1592
01:22:30,320 --> 01:22:31,412
Hmm.

1593
01:22:32,823 --> 01:22:34,450
<i>MIKE: Don't know what that meant.</i>

1594
01:22:34,533 --> 01:22:37,286
Maybe they shared
a hot dog together, I'm thinking?

1595
01:22:37,369 --> 01:22:41,749
That would make sense. He's wiping
the mustard off his face and chest.

1596
01:22:41,832 --> 01:22:43,129
Excuse me!

1597
01:22:43,208 --> 01:22:44,676
You have to let me in.
You don't understand.

1598
01:22:44,751 --> 01:22:46,424
He's trying to stop the signing!

1599
01:22:46,503 --> 01:22:48,050
Tamir is now speaking.

1600
01:22:48,130 --> 01:22:49,131
Today,

1601
01:22:49,840 --> 01:22:51,592
we begin a new era.

1602
01:22:52,134 --> 01:22:55,183
<i>Wadiya will be open to the world.</i>

1603
01:22:55,262 --> 01:22:56,855
Open to the future.

1604
01:22:56,930 --> 01:22:58,432
And open for business.

1605
01:22:59,933 --> 01:23:03,358
The document is ready to be signed,
Supreme Leader.

1606
01:23:11,945 --> 01:23:14,698
What are you doing'?
This man is an imposter!

1607
01:23:14,781 --> 01:23:19,252
No! This traitor tried to kill me
and had my beard removed!

1608
01:23:19,328 --> 01:23:21,547
- LOOK!
- AUDIENCE: Oh!

1609
01:23:21,622 --> 01:23:24,045
Arrest the viper Tamir!

1610
01:23:24,124 --> 01:23:25,842
<i>MIKE: And now in another</i>

1611
01:23:25,918 --> 01:23:29,548
amazing turn of events,
Tamir Mafraad is being taken away.

1612
01:23:29,630 --> 01:23:32,179
This constitution

1613
01:23:32,257 --> 01:23:34,931
is nothing
but a license for oil companies

1614
01:23:35,010 --> 01:23:38,514
and foreign interests
to destroy my beloved Wadiya!

1615
01:23:38,597 --> 01:23:42,227
Wadiya will remain a dictatorship!

1616
01:23:42,309 --> 01:23:43,811
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN HORROR)

1617
01:23:45,479 --> 01:23:47,481
(ALL BOOING)

1618
01:23:49,566 --> 01:23:51,409
(LAUGHS) Whoo!

1619
01:23:52,027 --> 01:23:53,404
Oh, be quiet.

1620
01:23:53,779 --> 01:23:56,783
Why are you guys so anti dictators?

1621
01:23:57,032 --> 01:23:59,876
Imagine if America <i>was</i> a dictatorship.

1622
01:24:00,244 --> 01:24:04,465
You could let 1% of the people
have all the nation's wealth.

1623
01:24:04,790 --> 01:24:06,258
You could help your rich friends

1624
01:24:06,333 --> 01:24:08,882
get richer by cutting their taxes

1625
01:24:08,961 --> 01:24:12,215
and bailing them out
when they gamble and lose.

1626
01:24:12,673 --> 01:24:16,974
You could ignore the needs of the poor
for health care and education.

1627
01:24:17,052 --> 01:24:18,725
Your media would appear free

1628
01:24:18,804 --> 01:24:22,934
but would secretly be controlled
by one person and his family.

1629
01:24:23,016 --> 01:24:27,271
You could wiretap phones,
you could torture foreign prisoners.

1630
01:24:27,354 --> 01:24:29,527
You could have rigged elections.

1631
01:24:29,606 --> 01:24:31,700
You could lie about why you go to war.

1632
01:24:32,234 --> 01:24:34,032
You could fill your prisons

1633
01:24:34,111 --> 01:24:37,741
with one particular racial group
and no one would complain!

1634
01:24:38,073 --> 01:24:41,452
You could use the media
to scare the people

1635
01:24:41,535 --> 01:24:45,460
into supporting policies
that are against their interests.

1636
01:24:45,539 --> 01:24:48,918
I know this is hard
for you Americans to imagine,

1637
01:24:49,001 --> 01:24:50,969
but please try.

1638
01:24:51,044 --> 01:24:53,297
I will tell you what democracy is!

1639
01:24:53,714 --> 01:24:55,842
Democracy is the worst!

1640
01:24:55,924 --> 01:24:58,848
Endless talking
and listening to every stupid opinion!

1641
01:24:58,927 --> 01:25:01,021
And everybody's vote counts,

1642
01:25:01,096 --> 01:25:04,771
no matter how crippled
or black or female they are.

1643
01:25:05,684 --> 01:25:07,061
Democracy...

1644
01:25:13,817 --> 01:25:15,114
Democracy

1645
01:25:16,486 --> 01:25:20,616
has hairy armpits
and could lose five pounds.

1646
01:25:21,825 --> 01:25:25,125
Democracy looks like
a midget in a chemo wig.

1647
01:25:26,496 --> 01:25:29,921
Democracy, your mother
called the other day

1648
01:25:30,042 --> 01:25:31,168
and I forgot to give you the message.

1649
01:25:31,293 --> 01:25:35,389
It was something very important
about your grandmother.

1650
01:25:37,090 --> 01:25:39,718
Democracy kisses you
because she wants to,

1651
01:25:39,801 --> 01:25:43,681
not because her father
is in the next room chained to a radiator

1652
01:25:43,764 --> 01:25:45,892
with electrodes attached to his nipples.

1653
01:25:46,725 --> 01:25:51,071
Democracy is flawed! She is not perfect!

1654
01:25:51,730 --> 01:25:53,232
But democracy,

1655
01:25:56,777 --> 01:25:57,778
I love you.

1656
01:25:58,904 --> 01:26:01,999
And that is why I call for real democracy!

1657
01:26:02,074 --> 01:26:03,872
A real constitution!

1658
01:26:03,950 --> 01:26:05,918
And real elections in Wadiya!

1659
01:26:06,953 --> 01:26:08,455
(ALL CHEERING)

1660
01:26:12,542 --> 01:26:14,544
Oh, no!

1661
01:26:15,420 --> 01:26:16,592
Come on!

1662
01:26:23,470 --> 01:26:26,644
Democracy,
I will make you one of my wives.

1663
01:26:27,724 --> 01:26:30,147
Okay, only wife. We'll vote on it.

1664
01:26:30,769 --> 01:26:32,692
I'll shave my armpits for you.

1665
01:26:32,771 --> 01:26:34,865
Praise be to the Creator!

1666
01:26:34,940 --> 01:26:37,363
And please stop using
that organic deodorant.

1667
01:26:37,442 --> 01:26:39,661
You could gas the Kurds
with that stench.

1668
01:26:58,463 --> 01:26:59,840
(ALL GASPING)

1669
01:27:06,805 --> 01:27:08,728
You died protecting me, Efawadh.

1670
01:27:09,474 --> 01:27:10,475
Hello!

1671
01:27:10,767 --> 01:27:11,768
You are alive'?

1672
01:27:11,977 --> 01:27:14,947
Of course!
It is my job to be shot in the head.

1673
01:27:18,608 --> 01:27:20,485
- Is he okay?
- He's fine.

1674
01:27:20,569 --> 01:27:23,163
Luckily the bullet hit him in the brain.

1675
01:27:24,281 --> 01:27:26,124
Oh. So, um,

1676
01:27:27,576 --> 01:27:28,623
what now?

1677
01:27:28,910 --> 01:27:32,255
I return to Wadiya
to participate in fair elections.

1678
01:27:32,831 --> 01:27:33,878
(LAUGHS)

1679
01:27:43,091 --> 01:27:44,138
(GREETS IN WADIYAN)

1680
01:27:44,217 --> 01:27:47,767
Let's now look back
at the wonderful events of the past year.

1681
01:27:47,846 --> 01:27:50,645
<i>After Wadiya's first free elections,</i>

1682
01:27:50,724 --> 01:27:53,694
<i>President Prime Minister
Admiral General Aladeen</i>

1683
01:27:53,769 --> 01:27:56,363
<i>won 98.8% of the vote.</i>

1684
01:27:58,899 --> 01:28:02,494
<i>But the big story today is the marriage
of President Prime Minister</i>

1685
01:28:02,569 --> 01:28:06,324
<i>Admiral General Aladeen
and his new bride, Zoey.</i>

1686
01:28:10,577 --> 01:28:13,205
I now pronounce you man and wife.

1687
01:28:13,288 --> 01:28:15,711
(CROWD CHEERING)

1688
01:28:21,671 --> 01:28:22,968
(GLASS SHATTERING)

1689
01:28:23,048 --> 01:28:25,267
Are you okay, my love'?
What did you step on?

1690
01:28:25,342 --> 01:28:26,639
Oh, yes! No, no.

1691
01:28:26,718 --> 01:28:30,393
It's my people's tradition.
We always smash a glass at weddings.

1692
01:28:30,472 --> 01:28:32,315
- I'm Jewish!
- What?

1693
01:28:32,390 --> 01:28:33,687
<i>Mansaf!</i>

1694
01:28:38,688 --> 01:28:39,735
Are you okay?

1695
01:28:40,732 --> 01:28:43,406
That's fine. I don't mind. It's great!

1696
01:28:43,860 --> 01:28:45,578
Come here, my love.

1697
01:29:05,298 --> 01:29:07,175
Jachnoon, President
Prime Minister Aladeen.

1698
01:29:07,259 --> 01:29:10,559
Jachnoon. Nadal. I have to be back
at the palace in an hour.

1699
01:29:10,637 --> 01:29:12,935
Zoey thinks I'm at yoga.

1700
01:29:13,348 --> 01:29:14,349
I have great news

1701
01:29:14,432 --> 01:29:17,231
We are just days away
from testing the new missiles.

1702
01:29:17,310 --> 01:29:19,278
I have re-engineered the oxidizing ducts

1703
01:29:19,354 --> 01:29:20,822
and the payload delivery systems.

1704
01:29:20,897 --> 01:29:25,619
But you'll be happy to know,
the missile is now pointy!

1705
01:29:26,862 --> 01:29:28,830
Who cares if it's pointy?

1706
01:29:28,905 --> 01:29:30,077
What?

1707
01:29:30,574 --> 01:29:32,872
You do. You care if it's pointy.

1708
01:29:32,951 --> 01:29:34,624
Why would I care
about such a trivial detail?

1709
01:29:34,703 --> 01:29:36,956
Are you serious?
Are you serious right now?

1710
01:29:37,038 --> 01:29:38,039
(CHUCKLING) Of course I'm serious.

1711
01:29:38,123 --> 01:29:39,591
That's why you had me executed!

1712
01:29:39,666 --> 01:29:42,966
The shape of the missile has nothing
to do with the payload delivery.

1713
01:29:43,044 --> 01:29:45,467
That's what I said!
That's what I said the first time!

1714
01:29:45,547 --> 01:29:46,969
No, that's what I said,
and you went crazy.

1715
01:29:47,048 --> 01:29:49,267
No! You said Professor Popeye this...

1716
01:29:49,426 --> 01:29:51,178
Professor Popeye is a cartoon.

1717
01:29:51,303 --> 01:29:52,555
No, I know this!

1718
01:29:57,225 --> 01:30:00,399
So, we, um, we're opening
300 Women's Centers,

1719
01:30:00,645 --> 01:30:04,570
but I'm going to have to take
a break for a little bit because

1720
01:30:05,233 --> 01:30:06,610
I'm pregnant.

1721
01:30:06,693 --> 01:30:07,819
What?

1722
01:30:07,903 --> 01:30:09,120
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)

1723
01:30:11,573 --> 01:30:14,076
Are you having a boy or an abortion?

1724
01:30:15,243 --> 01:30:16,995
<i>(ILA NZOUR NEBRA PLAYING)</i>

1725
01:30:28,924 --> 01:30:30,801
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

1726
01:30:37,641 --> 01:30:38,688
Hello, gentlemen. How you doin'?

1727
01:30:38,767 --> 01:30:40,314
Are you guys friends of the deceased?

1728
01:30:40,393 --> 01:30:43,192
Do you want me to say this
in front of his widow?

1729
01:30:43,271 --> 01:30:44,318
I was his lover.

1730
01:30:44,397 --> 01:30:45,899
No. That is not true.

1731
01:30:46,316 --> 01:30:48,318
I saw him perform with the Globetrotters.

1732
01:30:48,401 --> 01:30:50,904
I thought he was outstanding.
I befriended him.

1733
01:30:50,987 --> 01:30:53,115
No, it's a different person.

1734
01:30:53,198 --> 01:30:56,543
His message of don't worry
and being happy

1735
01:30:56,618 --> 01:30:57,790
was so powerful

1736
01:30:57,869 --> 01:31:00,122
No, this is Bobby McFerrin.
I told you this outside.

1737
01:31:00,205 --> 01:31:02,458
Whatever the scandal you went through,

1738
01:31:02,540 --> 01:31:04,383
you're still the best golfer in the world.

1739
01:31:04,459 --> 01:31:05,631
Let's go.

1740
01:31:07,170 --> 01:31:08,547
O-M-G.

1741
01:31:09,631 --> 01:31:11,008
Oh, my God.

1742
01:31:11,174 --> 01:31:13,393
(SPEAKS MOCK ARABIC)

1743
01:31:13,927 --> 01:31:15,179
Oh, my...

1744
01:31:15,387 --> 01:31:17,685
(SPEAKS MOCK ARABIC)

1745
01:31:18,556 --> 01:31:19,603
Oh, my...

1746
01:31:19,683 --> 01:31:22,857
(SPEAKS MOCK ARABIC)

1747
01:31:24,479 --> 01:31:25,526
(MOANS)

1748
01:31:25,981 --> 01:31:27,107
Zoey.

1749
01:31:28,608 --> 01:31:30,827
NADAL: Mmm-mmm!
That's some good head!

1750
01:31:30,902 --> 01:31:31,903
(LAUGHS)

1751
01:31:33,071 --> 01:31:35,199
That is called payback
and it feels so good!

1752
01:31:35,281 --> 01:31:37,579
How did it feel for you?
How did it feel for you?

1753
01:31:37,659 --> 01:31:39,457
I prefer it with goats.

1754
01:31:40,161 --> 01:31:41,708
Where is the Supreme Leader?

1755
01:31:41,788 --> 01:31:42,789
No, no.

1756
01:31:42,872 --> 01:31:45,295
Now that is called payback!

1757
01:31:45,500 --> 01:31:46,843
-(ALADEEN LAUGHING)
- Oh, great!

1758
01:31:47,669 --> 01:31:49,012
(WHISTLING)

1759
01:31:52,257 --> 01:31:55,306
(SNICKERS) Don't touch it.
Don't touch it.

1760
01:31:55,760 --> 01:31:57,103
You don't have to touch it.

1761
01:31:57,178 --> 01:31:58,225
Sorry. I was...

1762
01:31:58,304 --> 01:32:00,147
Just give us... We don't...

1763
01:32:00,223 --> 01:32:03,147
Just give me
a couple of millimeters to myself.

1764
01:32:04,269 --> 01:32:06,363
(THE <i>NEXT</i> EPISODE
PLAYING IN ARABIC)

1765
01:34:34,752 --> 01:34:37,676
<i>(THE SONG OF ADMIRAL GENERAL
SERGEANT ALADEEN PLAYING)</i>

1766
01:37:34,098 --> 01:37:36,476
<i>(MONEY'S ON THE DRESSER
PLAYING)</i>

1767
01:37:38,301 --> 01:37:44,201
Subtitles & Sync By
<font color="#00ff00">FridayToker</font>