1
00:00:47,809 --> 00:00:53,563
A handgun bullet travels at
more than 700 miles per hour.

2
00:00:54,398 --> 00:00:58,651
Hey, woah,
absolutely not. No.

3
00:00:58,651 --> 00:01:03,479
Look, if you don't wanna do
it, you don't have to do it.

4
00:01:03,479 --> 00:01:06,824
- Okay, good, I don't want to do it.
- Fine.

5
00:01:08,993 --> 00:01:11,244
Goddamn!

6
00:01:11,244 --> 00:01:13,996
I'm alive!

7
00:01:13,996 --> 00:01:16,414
That's amazing!

8
00:01:16,414 --> 00:01:20,543
I know, right?
So...

9
00:01:22,503 --> 00:01:26,213
- You ready to go again?
- Absolutely not.

10
00:01:26,797 --> 00:01:28,175
Fine.

11
00:01:28,175 --> 00:01:32,302
Don't just say "fine", and then shoot
me in the chest. 'Cause it's not cool.

12
00:01:32,302 --> 00:01:33,971
Like, at all.

13
00:01:33,971 --> 00:01:35,472
Okay! Jeez.

14
00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:44,562
. : KICK - A S S 2 : .

15
00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:48,565
I always wondered why no one
tried to be a superhero before me.

16
00:01:48,565 --> 00:01:52,067
It turns out somebody had.
Mindy Macready.

17
00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:57,696
After her dad died, his old partner on
the force, Marcus, became her guardian.

18
00:01:58,572 --> 00:02:00,617
- Nice backpack.
-Thanks.

19
00:02:00,617 --> 00:02:02,868
Steal it from a
six-year old?

20
00:02:02,868 --> 00:02:05,329
Marcus dropped her
off everyday.

21
00:02:05,329 --> 00:02:09,040
And as soon as he was gone,
so was she.

22
00:02:09,915 --> 00:02:12,667
No one in school found out 'cause
she hacked into the server

23
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:15,921
and gave herself the
award for perfect attendance.

24
00:02:15,921 --> 00:02:19,923
Hit-Girl and Big Daddy
had been the real deal.

25
00:02:19,923 --> 00:02:25,178
Mindy was gonna keep wearing the mask,
as long as there are criminals to take down.

26
00:02:26,763 --> 00:02:30,806
But no matter how many drug
dealers she's stopped...

27
00:02:30,806 --> 00:02:33,434
She couldn't stop
feeling alone.

28
00:02:34,310 --> 00:02:38,605
Me? I've given up being a superhero
'cause it was way too dangerous.

29
00:02:38,605 --> 00:02:41,482
The only problem?
I was dying of boredom.

30
00:02:41,482 --> 00:02:45,069
Like most high school seniors, I had
no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

31
00:02:45,069 --> 00:02:47,654
Hell, I didn't know what
channel I wanted to watch.

32
00:02:47,654 --> 00:02:50,821
It's just TV, Dave, not peace
in the middle east.

33
00:02:50,821 --> 00:02:52,823
My best friends Todd
and Marty have no clue

34
00:02:52,823 --> 00:02:54,992
I was the first superhero
to go public.

35
00:02:54,992 --> 00:02:57,078
Did you guys watch
Spider-Man last night?

36
00:02:57,078 --> 00:03:00,914
- Is it weird that Aunt May gets me kinda hard?
- Not if you're a granny slammer.

37
00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:05,084
They may wear costumes but it isn't Halloween.
They're real life superheroes.

38
00:03:05,084 --> 00:03:09,171
In the two years since the first ordinary
citizens donned capes and masks,

39
00:03:09,171 --> 00:03:11,422
the movement has
started to spread.

40
00:03:11,422 --> 00:03:13,674
I became a superhero
because of Kick-Ass.

41
00:03:13,674 --> 00:03:17,510
Yeah, you just come home from work,
you grab your gear and you go out on patrol.

42
00:03:17,510 --> 00:03:19,804
Help us make
the streets safe.

43
00:03:19,804 --> 00:03:22,889
I inspired all those people
to get off their asses.

44
00:03:22,889 --> 00:03:24,975
And now I was
stuck on mine.

45
00:03:24,975 --> 00:03:29,770
So that night after dinner, I
decided to get my own costume out.

46
00:03:31,355 --> 00:03:34,356
- I'm sorry.
- Woah! Can't you knock?

47
00:03:34,356 --> 00:03:39,318
- Y'know, buddy, it's perfectly normal for you to touch yourself.
- Jesus, Dad, get out!

48
00:03:40,362 --> 00:03:45,657
If I was even thinking about a
Kick-Ass sequel, I had to get serious.

49
00:03:46,533 --> 00:03:47,367
Hey!

50
00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:49,494
Hey, can we chat?

51
00:03:49,494 --> 00:03:51,037
Please, Mindy.

52
00:03:51,037 --> 00:03:54,915
Get in the cab. The
meter's running.

53
00:03:56,124 --> 00:03:58,917
I wanna team up,
like Batman and Robin.

54
00:03:59,252 --> 00:04:03,422
- Nobody wants to be Robin.
- What's wrong with Robin?

55
00:04:03,422 --> 00:04:07,258
- Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?
- Robin wishes he was me.

56
00:04:07,258 --> 00:04:11,970
What I'm trying to say is, we should be
partners. You and me, like the Dynamic Duo.

57
00:04:11,970 --> 00:04:17,390
- I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play B-League.
- So, train me.

58
00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:22,395
I wanna walk the walk, and you're the
closest thing I know to a real superhero.

59
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:25,940
Aren't you tired of
being on your own?

60
00:04:25,940 --> 00:04:29,567
Don't you wanna know
someone's there for you?

61
00:04:29,567 --> 00:04:32,986
Someone who's
got your back.

62
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:42,411
- And you'll do anything I say.
- Anything.

63
00:04:42,411 --> 00:04:44,288
Hit me.

64
00:04:44,288 --> 00:04:46,706
You're a fifteen-
year-old girl---

65
00:04:47,331 --> 00:04:49,165
What the hell?

66
00:04:49,165 --> 00:04:52,460
Act like a bitch,
get slapped like a bitch.

67
00:04:58,132 --> 00:04:58,883
Oh, God.

68
00:05:01,508 --> 00:05:05,012
Mindy beat me like morning wood,
every day for three weeks.

69
00:05:05,012 --> 00:05:06,888
Come on, guard up!
Left, right.

70
00:05:06,888 --> 00:05:08,765
Guard up!

71
00:05:12,309 --> 00:05:16,562
Even with my damaged nerve
endings, it hurt like hell.

72
00:05:17,063 --> 00:05:21,483
In a weird way, I kinda liked it.
It gave me a sense of purpose.

73
00:05:21,483 --> 00:05:23,526
- What's happened to your face?
- Nothing.

74
00:05:23,526 --> 00:05:26,988
Like we were driving
towards something.

75
00:05:28,739 --> 00:05:30,490
That's amazing!

76
00:05:31,281 --> 00:05:34,494
All the other people putting on
masks were just playing superhero.

77
00:05:34,494 --> 00:05:37,287
We were training
to really do it.

78
00:05:37,287 --> 00:05:40,664
I couldn't tell my girlfriend
Katie, or Marty and Todd.

79
00:05:40,664 --> 00:05:43,751
But I didn't care. We're
having too much fun.

80
00:05:44,292 --> 00:05:46,628
Left, right, left.

81
00:05:51,298 --> 00:05:54,592
Our own superhero team.

82
00:05:55,801 --> 00:05:58,553
This is gonna
be balls.

83
00:06:01,556 --> 00:06:04,808
What the hell, mom? Did
you delete the news off the DVR?

84
00:06:04,808 --> 00:06:08,895
- Yes, yes, I did, Christopher.
- That was the one with Kick-Ass!

85
00:06:08,895 --> 00:06:13,273
Christopher, you've got to stop
obsessing over this superhero!

86
00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:15,983
He's not a superhero,
Mom. He's a murderer.

87
00:06:15,983 --> 00:06:18,402
He blew up Dad with a bazooka,
for fuck's sake!

88
00:06:18,402 --> 00:06:20,488
Your father died
in a fire.

89
00:06:20,488 --> 00:06:23,324
A fire?
What is your problem?

90
00:06:23,324 --> 00:06:25,575
You! You are
my problem.

91
00:06:25,575 --> 00:06:29,954
I am trying to raise you
to be a, a normal boy.

92
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:33,873
That's why we moved to Long Island
after your father's accident.

93
00:06:33,873 --> 00:06:37,543
A bazooka is not an accident,
you delusional bitch.

94
00:06:37,543 --> 00:06:42,713
- This conversation, is over.
- Great! Then I'm leaving.

95
00:06:44,006 --> 00:06:45,799
Come on, Javier,
be cool.

96
00:06:45,799 --> 00:06:49,386
Sorry, Chris, but your mom
pays me not to be cool.

97
00:06:52,888 --> 00:06:57,058
I hate you! You home-school
me like I'm a prisoner!

98
00:06:57,058 --> 00:07:00,103
You threw away my
Red Mist costume, God!

99
00:07:00,103 --> 00:07:06,190
I am not the problem, you are!
I-wish-you-were-dead!

100
00:07:11,778 --> 00:07:12,821
Mommy?

101
00:07:19,410 --> 00:07:21,994
- Don't touch that.
- I'm sorry, what is it?

102
00:07:21,994 --> 00:07:26,581
It's a last resort. Like, if all else
fails and you're about to die.

103
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:33,378
Are you not
scared? To die?

104
00:07:33,378 --> 00:07:35,922
Are you scared you're never gonna
grow into your big boy pants?

105
00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:39,882
I'm serious. What if Spider-Man or Batman
got killed one night? It could happen.

106
00:07:39,882 --> 00:07:44,262
If you're scared of dying, one thing
is certain. You are going to die.

107
00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:47,932
My Daddy was never
afraid of dying.

108
00:07:48,599 --> 00:07:50,892
Look where that
got him.

109
00:07:50,892 --> 00:07:54,937
He knew he might have to make
the ultimate sacrifice one day.

110
00:07:56,022 --> 00:08:00,315
And that's why he made me promise
I'd never stop defending this city.

111
00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:04,278
Cross my heart.

112
00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:06,530
Hope to die.

113
00:08:08,365 --> 00:08:13,035
Your dad was insane.
You know that, right?

114
00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:18,205
You're wrong, Dave. My Daddy
was the first real superhero.

115
00:08:18,205 --> 00:08:22,751
Not you or Red Mist.
It was my Daddy.

116
00:08:22,751 --> 00:08:26,504
And it was an honor to
serve by his side.

117
00:08:37,512 --> 00:08:40,515
- Hey, Mind, how was school?
- Super crazy.

118
00:08:40,515 --> 00:08:45,393
Miss Mullins was out today so we had
Mr. Cooper teach us Biology. Such a grump.....

119
00:08:45,393 --> 00:08:48,145
Oh, really, that's weird, because
Principal Emhoff called me yesterday.

120
00:08:48,145 --> 00:08:52,691
Yeah, you were supposed to get an award
for perfect attendance but, you didn't attend.

121
00:08:52,691 --> 00:08:55,234
I followed you this morning.
I saw you get into a cab

122
00:08:55,234 --> 00:08:58,029
with some boy and I lost
you guys over the bridge.

123
00:08:58,029 --> 00:09:01,741
So now you wanna tell
where you really were today?

124
00:09:06,827 --> 00:09:09,830
I'm really sorry,
Marcus, I don't wanna make...

125
00:09:09,830 --> 00:09:13,540
Cut the waterworks, Mind.
You're fifteen, not five.

126
00:09:16,001 --> 00:09:16,752
Okay.

127
00:09:18,586 --> 00:09:23,007
Look, he asked me to cut class and
go to the mall. So, yeah. Yeah, I did.

128
00:09:23,007 --> 00:09:25,299
This has nothing to do
with you being Hit-Girl?

129
00:09:25,299 --> 00:09:29,970
I'm not gonna find any, ninja blades,
or throwing stars under your bed?

130
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:34,015
No. I just wanted
him to like me, okay?

131
00:09:34,015 --> 00:09:36,808
Sweetie, you know skipping school is
not a way to get boys to like you.

132
00:09:36,808 --> 00:09:38,519
- I'm so stupid.
- Hey, hey...

133
00:09:38,519 --> 00:09:41,146
You're one of the smartest
little girls I know.

134
00:09:41,146 --> 00:09:43,523
Let's go get
some pizza.

135
00:09:43,523 --> 00:09:47,943
- Why, you mean I'm not grounded?
- Well, just, consider this a warning.

136
00:09:49,402 --> 00:09:51,821
Hey, you sure you wanna give
all your mom's things away?

137
00:09:51,821 --> 00:09:54,448
What the hell am I supposed
to do with all her stuff?

138
00:09:55,532 --> 00:09:58,284
Damn, she had a
nice pair of guns.

139
00:09:58,284 --> 00:10:01,453
Dude, she's dead! Don't
talk about her tits!

140
00:10:01,453 --> 00:10:06,457
- I was talking about these.
- Oh, those. Those were my Dad's.

141
00:10:07,791 --> 00:10:10,043
Why don't you
keep them?

142
00:10:10,293 --> 00:10:12,879
- You sure?
- Yeah. I mean they belong to you, right?

143
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:16,383
Come on, Chris. You're
your own man now.

144
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:19,676
- Just, just be careful, alright?
- Yeah.

145
00:10:24,096 --> 00:10:27,849
- Definitely, definitely, don't wanna keep those!
- No, no, I'll take care of it!

146
00:10:34,604 --> 00:10:37,440
Take the day off.
Later!

147
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,320
- Hey.
- So...

148
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,280
You ready for your
first field test?

149
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:50,658
- What am I supposed to do with these?
- Put them on, and, uh, go fishing.

150
00:11:00,542 --> 00:11:04,003
- I'm the whitest pimp ever.
- That's the idea!

151
00:11:04,003 --> 00:11:08,173
- Take your next right, comes out on Flatbush.
- Are you sure I should be doing this without my gear?

152
00:11:08,173 --> 00:11:12,217
<i>That's the point. Kick-Ass isn't a costume.
Kick-Ass is who you really are.</i>

153
00:11:12,217 --> 00:11:14,052
<i>Dave Lizewski
is the mask.</i>

154
00:11:14,052 --> 00:11:17,722
Well, my mask is about
to get its' teeth kicked in.

155
00:11:17,973 --> 00:11:22,142
Hey, queer bait. Where you
going with those bags, man?

156
00:11:22,142 --> 00:11:25,478
<i>Tell him you're on your way to fuck
his mother with a Tobin strap-on.</i>

157
00:11:25,478 --> 00:11:27,480
I'm just taking a walk.

158
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,357
Really isn't what I do,
I usually just call the cops.

159
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:33,151
Who are you
talking to, man?

160
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:37,612
I'm just trying a call. There's,
no, uh, service around here? .

161
00:11:37,612 --> 00:11:39,864
This sucks, man.
Give me the bags, faggot.

162
00:11:39,864 --> 00:11:42,492
Before I make you suck
my fat cock, huh?

163
00:11:42,492 --> 00:11:44,493
Come on.

164
00:12:14,684 --> 00:12:18,019
Can you believe I let Mindy beat
the snot out of me for weeks

165
00:12:18,019 --> 00:12:22,147
just so I can get my ass kicked again?
So much for a team.

166
00:12:22,147 --> 00:12:25,275
You ready to
die, faggot?

167
00:12:27,401 --> 00:12:32,740
You know, all the homophobic shit
makes you sound super gay.

168
00:13:05,265 --> 00:13:08,142
If I ever catch you
robbing again, shitburger,

169
00:13:08,142 --> 00:13:11,102
I'mma go Saudi Arabia on your ass
and cut your hand off.

170
00:13:11,102 --> 00:13:14,856
- Promise me you're done with the life of crime?
- I promise.

171
00:13:18,651 --> 00:13:21,402
Pants on fire.

172
00:13:21,402 --> 00:13:24,072
- What did you think?
- I think you almost got me killed!

173
00:13:24,072 --> 00:13:28,283
No, what did you think of my line?
"Pants on fire". I wrote a whole bunch full--

174
00:13:28,283 --> 00:13:31,952
Run! I'll tell them you
saved me. Go!

175
00:13:31,952 --> 00:13:37,791
<i>Female suspect fleeing Flatbush. Under five
feet, masked, armed with nunchucks and a sword.</i>

176
00:13:50,759 --> 00:13:53,719
- Hey, Mind.
- Hey, Marcus, what's up?

177
00:13:53,719 --> 00:13:56,055
<i>I see you answered your phone.
That means you're not in school.</i>

178
00:13:56,055 --> 00:14:01,850
I was, but I wasn't feeling so good.
And so, the nurse decided to send me home.

179
00:14:01,850 --> 00:14:05,688
Poor thing. Well, I'm almost home. I'll make
you some soup and we can watch Jeopardy.

180
00:14:05,688 --> 00:14:09,732
- Alright, I'll see you soon, okay?
- All right.

181
00:14:34,710 --> 00:14:36,336
Shit!

182
00:15:02,357 --> 00:15:04,651
You got
my soup?

183
00:15:07,777 --> 00:15:10,196
Let me take your
temperature first.

184
00:15:10,196 --> 00:15:13,825
- You're really clammy.
- I'll feel better after a nap-nap.

185
00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:18,244
Close your eyes. Then I'll
make you that soup.

186
00:15:21,914 --> 00:15:23,750
Is that blood?

187
00:15:24,541 --> 00:15:27,334
Damn it, Mindy.
I can't do this anymore.

188
00:15:27,334 --> 00:15:30,879
Your father was like a brother to me.
He was a great cop and a hero.

189
00:15:30,879 --> 00:15:36,509
But Big Daddy, that was not your father, okay?
That was someone who robbed you of your childhood.

190
00:15:36,509 --> 00:15:38,385
And this...

191
00:15:38,385 --> 00:15:42,680
Hit-Girl. That's not
who you are.

192
00:15:43,766 --> 00:15:47,268
You are Mindy
Macready.

193
00:15:47,268 --> 00:15:50,020
You're just starting
high school.

194
00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:55,274
I understand that you don't know who that
person is, yet, but you will. You just gotta try.

195
00:15:55,274 --> 00:16:00,236
- I don't want to...
- You don't know what you want. You can't. You're not an adult, not yet.

196
00:16:00,236 --> 00:16:04,907
Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15
years than most adults have in their lifetime.

197
00:16:04,907 --> 00:16:10,076
That note that your father gave you, the one you were
supposed to open if anything ever happened to him.

198
00:16:10,076 --> 00:16:13,079
- What did it say?
- That you would take care of me.

199
00:16:13,079 --> 00:16:15,540
And that you were supposed
to listen to me, right?

200
00:16:15,540 --> 00:16:19,585
Well, listen up. I want you in school, I
want you to stop talking to that boy

201
00:16:19,585 --> 00:16:23,922
and I want you to promise me that
this is never gonna happen again.

202
00:16:36,515 --> 00:16:39,267
Cross my heart.

203
00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:41,143
Hope to die.

204
00:16:42,852 --> 00:16:44,646
Good.

205
00:16:59,324 --> 00:17:01,034
Mindy. What
the hell?

206
00:17:01,034 --> 00:17:04,827
- First, you almost get me killed, then you stand me up.
- Dave, I'm sorry.

207
00:17:04,827 --> 00:17:08,624
- You are?
- I am.

208
00:17:09,457 --> 00:17:11,709
For everything.

209
00:17:11,709 --> 00:17:13,752
Okay, great.

210
00:17:13,752 --> 00:17:17,672
I mean, apologetic isn't a
word I'd use to describe you.

211
00:17:17,672 --> 00:17:22,425
- How many times do I have to tell you?
- Look, let's get out of here.

212
00:17:22,425 --> 00:17:26,513
- You gotta ease up, I think I might've broken a rib.
- Dave, I'm done....

213
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:30,223
- With training?
- With everything.

214
00:17:30,223 --> 00:17:33,894
Wait, you mean
everything?

215
00:17:35,811 --> 00:17:39,564
You can't. You're Hit-Girl.
We were gonna start a team.

216
00:17:39,564 --> 00:17:42,401
You can't just quit,
this is who you are.

217
00:17:42,401 --> 00:17:45,486
Not anymore, Dave.

218
00:17:45,486 --> 00:17:49,364
I'm sorry, but
it's over. I'm done.

219
00:17:49,364 --> 00:17:51,281
Just leave
me alone.

220
00:17:51,281 --> 00:17:53,283
Would you stop
apologizing!?

221
00:17:53,283 --> 00:17:58,705
I don't know what's worse. That you're fucking a
ninth-grader or that you just got dumped by one?

222
00:17:58,705 --> 00:17:59,830
Pedophile freak!

223
00:17:59,830 --> 00:18:02,666
- It's not like that!
- What is it like? Please, tell me.

224
00:18:02,666 --> 00:18:05,627
I can't. It's to do
with the "Kick-Ass" thing.

225
00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:07,460
I've got a
secret for you.

226
00:18:07,460 --> 00:18:10,880
- You remember Malick?
- Dude who volunteers at your needle exchange?

227
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,883
His baton is so much
bigger than "Kick-Ass'"

228
00:18:13,883 --> 00:18:16,969
- No.
- Yeah.

229
00:18:16,969 --> 00:18:21,055
- And by "baton", I mean penis.
- Yeah, I got that, thanks.

230
00:18:21,055 --> 00:18:23,683
15 ditching
20, pervert.

231
00:18:23,683 --> 00:18:27,519
A freshman, Dave!
You salty dog.

232
00:18:27,519 --> 00:18:32,689
- What's the problem? Grass in the field, play ball, right?
- No, Todd.

233
00:18:32,689 --> 00:18:36,151
Chris, your tutor's
here. Chris!

234
00:18:36,151 --> 00:18:38,528
Chris, your
tu....

235
00:18:38,528 --> 00:18:40,486
Holy shit!

236
00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:44,532
- What the hell is that?
- My Destiny.

237
00:18:44,532 --> 00:18:47,576
Chris, just, just 'cause your Mom
like to get a little freaky, now...

238
00:18:47,576 --> 00:18:49,578
I know what my
role is in this, Javier...

239
00:18:49,578 --> 00:18:53,247
My dad was a crime boss,
so it just makes sense...

240
00:18:53,247 --> 00:18:57,168
I'm a supervillain.
It's evolution.

241
00:18:57,168 --> 00:18:59,836
Come on, c'mon, just put those things
down before you hurt somebody, Chris.

242
00:18:59,836 --> 00:19:03,547
- Nah, that's my name.
- Okay, okay, uhh, Red, Red Mist...

243
00:19:03,547 --> 00:19:09,136
Red Mist was my superhero name.
Henceforth, I'll be known as...

244
00:19:09,136 --> 00:19:10,011
The Motherfucker.

245
00:19:13,013 --> 00:19:17,516
After Mindy quit, I decided to stop hitting
the heavy bag and start hitting the streets.

246
00:19:17,516 --> 00:19:20,811
- Hey, Kick-Ass! Welcome back!
- Yeah!

247
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:22,979
You're the
best, man!

248
00:19:22,979 --> 00:19:26,565
Only problem? I was
still on my own.

249
00:19:26,565 --> 00:19:31,069
So I went online and found a Physics
professor calling himself "Dr. Gravity".

250
00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:34,321
Sure, he wasn't Hit-Girl,
but I had to start somewhere.

251
00:19:34,321 --> 00:19:37,032
This is the Zero-G
device I invented.

252
00:19:37,032 --> 00:19:40,285
- It can levitate any object up to a ton.
- For real?

253
00:19:40,285 --> 00:19:45,663
Hell, no, man! This is a baseball bat
wrapped in tin foil! But it fooled you!

254
00:19:45,663 --> 00:19:47,665
Hey, can I get a Diet
Mountain Dew, please?

255
00:19:47,665 --> 00:19:52,878
I'm not even a Physics professor. Just a copyright I put,
an ad thing, you see. But that's why I love this stuff.

256
00:19:52,878 --> 00:19:55,755
You can be
anyone you want.

257
00:19:55,755 --> 00:20:00,258
- You done many team-ups before?
- Kind of. Yeah. No, not really.

258
00:20:00,258 --> 00:20:02,594
I was getting kinda nervous
about being on my own.

259
00:20:02,594 --> 00:20:06,387
Yeah, me too. I've never
even been in a fight.

260
00:20:06,930 --> 00:20:10,017
Well, hopefully, you
won't have to.

261
00:20:10,017 --> 00:20:13,143
Hey, I printed a guy talking about
forming a team if you're interested.

262
00:20:13,143 --> 00:20:16,020
I don't know how serious he is,
but his picture was pretty hardcore.

263
00:20:16,020 --> 00:20:19,357
Are you kidding me?
That's why I contacted you.

264
00:20:19,357 --> 00:20:21,983
I didn't wanna freak you out by
bringing it up too soon, y'know?

265
00:20:21,983 --> 00:20:25,111
I'll show you his profile
after I hit the men's room.

266
00:20:26,111 --> 00:20:28,864
You're uncle Ralph's not gonna
be happy about this, Chris.

267
00:20:28,864 --> 00:20:31,825
- That's not my name.
- I'm not calling you that, forget it.

268
00:20:31,825 --> 00:20:36,578
Javier, you worked for my Dad. Then you
worked for my Mom. Now, you work for me.

269
00:20:36,578 --> 00:20:39,580
I'm probably the richest
kid in New York City.

270
00:20:39,580 --> 00:20:44,627
But if you don't like that, find yourself
another motherfucking job, okay?

271
00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:47,378
Yo, Kick-Ass!

272
00:20:47,378 --> 00:20:51,131
- Man, am I glad to see you.
- Is there anything I can do to help, sir?

273
00:20:51,131 --> 00:20:54,718
Yeah, I was hoping you can help
me get a million hits on YouTube!

274
00:21:00,682 --> 00:21:01,974
Come on.
Come on!

275
00:21:17,528 --> 00:21:20,780
- God!
- Run, Kick-Ass! Run!

276
00:21:22,864 --> 00:21:25,909
Jersey Shore,
motherfucker!

277
00:21:26,284 --> 00:21:30,162
What, not interested in
a fair fight, huh?

278
00:21:30,538 --> 00:21:32,707
That is not
a fair fight.

279
00:21:32,707 --> 00:21:36,001
Team meeting tomorrow!
I'll e-mail you the address.

280
00:21:36,626 --> 00:21:39,044
Beware Dr. Gravity!

281
00:21:39,044 --> 00:21:41,421
You have to admire
the Doctor's enthusiasm.

282
00:21:41,421 --> 00:21:44,757
I couldn't wait to
meet his friends.

283
00:21:50,596 --> 00:21:55,598
Hands in the air, spud roll. Empty the
register and don't do anything stupid.

284
00:21:55,850 --> 00:21:59,018
Come on! Hey, where are
your security cameras?

285
00:21:59,018 --> 00:22:01,645
- We don't have them. Too expensive.
- Seriously? What the fuck!

286
00:22:01,645 --> 00:22:04,356
- How is this gonna go viral?
- You want to be filmed?

287
00:22:04,356 --> 00:22:06,274
Shut up and just
get on the ground!

288
00:22:06,274 --> 00:22:09,277
And you better tell people
The Motherfucker was here!

289
00:22:09,277 --> 00:22:11,069
What's wrong
with you, boy?

290
00:22:11,069 --> 00:22:14,322
Get on the floor too, Gandalf,
or I will bust a cap in your ass!

291
00:22:14,322 --> 00:22:17,783
You're gonna bust your own face when
that gun kicks if you don't hold it properly.

292
00:22:17,783 --> 00:22:20,869
Just, get on
the ground!

293
00:22:23,788 --> 00:22:26,290
God! Will you
hurry up?

294
00:22:26,290 --> 00:22:28,958
I told ya!

295
00:22:41,510 --> 00:22:43,345
Go! Go,
go, go!

296
00:22:43,345 --> 00:22:45,429
Start the car! Go, go,
go, go, go! Fuck!

297
00:22:46,764 --> 00:22:49,975
That was amazing!
I feel so alive!

298
00:22:49,975 --> 00:22:52,186
I know who I am,
I know why I'm here.

299
00:22:52,186 --> 00:22:57,023
I'm gonna fuck, this world, up! They will
know The Motherfucker's name!

300
00:22:57,023 --> 00:23:00,275
You got to find me some badass
MMA types to train me, okay?

301
00:23:00,275 --> 00:23:02,527
Like a, like a Chuck Liddell,
or whoever.

302
00:23:02,527 --> 00:23:08,240
Fuck, I don't care how much it costs. I just
wanna be able to kill Kick-Ass with my bare hands.

303
00:23:10,575 --> 00:23:13,620
I gotta Tweet
about this.

304
00:23:13,620 --> 00:23:14,558
(Kick-Ass texting)

305
00:23:21,876 --> 00:23:22,814
(Mindy responding)

306
00:23:32,510 --> 00:23:33,260
You ready?

307
00:23:35,303 --> 00:23:40,432
- I don't know. Am I?
- Yes, you are. You look great.

308
00:23:40,432 --> 00:23:44,769
- And Barbara's daughter, Brooke, is really nice.
- What am I supposed to talk to them about?

309
00:23:44,769 --> 00:23:47,271
I'd rather be waterboarded than
listen to Justin Bieber.

310
00:23:47,271 --> 00:23:49,855
- You're gonna be fine.
- I'm gonna be a disaster.

311
00:23:49,855 --> 00:23:53,943
- How do you know that?
- Because it's a slumber party, for fuck's sake?

312
00:23:53,943 --> 00:23:56,779
Dollar.
Jar.

313
00:23:58,112 --> 00:24:00,781
(Swear Jar)

314
00:24:01,490 --> 00:24:04,200
You're gonna need
a bigger jar.

315
00:24:06,911 --> 00:24:10,622
Pretty cool, huh? This is
how the beer gets delivered.

316
00:24:12,374 --> 00:24:15,876
Dude, you got a secret elevator
through underground headquarters.

317
00:24:15,876 --> 00:24:19,213
Yeah, the guy I told you
about owns this place.

318
00:24:19,213 --> 00:24:23,007
- Just like a real-life Batcave.
- I know, right?

319
00:24:29,137 --> 00:24:32,180
This is the single greatest
thing I've ever seen.

320
00:24:33,765 --> 00:24:37,352
Welcome to
"Justice Forever".

321
00:24:41,562 --> 00:24:45,899
- Hi, Detective Williams! This must be Mindy.
- It is. Hi, Brooke.

322
00:24:45,899 --> 00:24:48,987
So, you girls have some fun, and I'll
pick you up in the morning, okay?

323
00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:53,155
- I'll be the one with the slit wrists.
- No, you're gonna be the one that gets the awesome manicure.

324
00:24:53,155 --> 00:24:55,991
- I am?
- Oh, yeah.

325
00:24:56,741 --> 00:24:59,285
- Say "hey" to Mindy, ladies.
- Hey.

326
00:24:59,285 --> 00:25:03,163
I know you. You're that freshman who took
a ride on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.

327
00:25:03,163 --> 00:25:06,458
- I did not ride his...
- If you just blew him. You're totes a virgin, right?

328
00:25:06,458 --> 00:25:09,961
- She didn't blow him. Look at her.
- Then what? Rimjob? Handjob? Fingerbang?

329
00:25:09,961 --> 00:25:13,797
Sweet Ryan Seacrest. You
at least kissed him, right?

330
00:25:13,797 --> 00:25:15,382
Totes.

331
00:25:15,382 --> 00:25:17,800
You've never kissed a
boy, have you?

332
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,469
- Oh, my God, that is so adorbs.
- Maybe, she's a dyke.

333
00:25:20,469 --> 00:25:23,347
Maybe, I'll jam my foot
up your snatch!

334
00:25:23,347 --> 00:25:27,141
- Oh, she's super-bitchy, I likes!
- What's the big deal, anyway?

335
00:25:27,141 --> 00:25:29,727
What could be so great about
gagging on some douchebag's tongue?

336
00:25:29,727 --> 00:25:34,771
It's pretty fucking great! You know how you
feel when you watch that video by Union J?

337
00:25:34,771 --> 00:25:37,148
Holy shit,
you don't know?

338
00:25:37,148 --> 00:25:41,069
This, will change,
your life.

339
00:25:46,906 --> 00:25:51,994
- You guys love this shit like the fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?
- Who's Stan Lee?

340
00:26:24,144 --> 00:26:27,772
- What the fuck was that?
- I know, right? I'm soaked.

341
00:26:27,772 --> 00:26:31,484
That is who you are, Mindy. You
may not dress like us, or talk like us,

342
00:26:31,484 --> 00:26:33,943
but when it comes to
boys, we're all the same.

343
00:26:33,943 --> 00:26:38,947
Twilight, Channing Tatum,
Union J. It's biology, bitch.

344
00:26:39,281 --> 00:26:41,157
Don't fight it.

345
00:26:44,994 --> 00:26:48,538
- I gotta go.
- But we were gonna go get high on bath salts at Logan's house.

346
00:26:48,538 --> 00:26:53,208
Mindy, I wanna give you a chance that, the
rest of the girls in our class would kill for.

347
00:26:53,584 --> 00:26:57,296
Don't you wanna walk out the door
everyday in skin-tight clothes,

348
00:26:57,296 --> 00:26:59,505
knowing that everyone
worships you?

349
00:26:59,797 --> 00:27:04,343
Don't you wanna sneak out at night, raise
a little hell and show the world what

350
00:27:04,343 --> 00:27:08,429
a strong, independent
woman is capable of?

351
00:27:08,971 --> 00:27:11,598
Don't you
wanna belong?

352
00:27:14,099 --> 00:27:18,395
- Can I wear this to Logan's?
- Yay! It's gonna be so much fun.

353
00:27:19,355 --> 00:27:23,649
So, we tried the cops.
And tried the newspapers.

354
00:27:24,066 --> 00:27:30,906
And even set up a, y'know, a thing, on the
internet for people to help us find Tommy.

355
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,700
But we got
nothing.

356
00:27:35,700 --> 00:27:38,411
We never saw
our son again.

357
00:27:38,411 --> 00:27:44,958
I came up with the name "Remembering Tommy",
and we've been doing this 3 nights a week.

358
00:27:45,375 --> 00:27:48,086
Colonel Stars and Stripes
found us online.

359
00:27:48,086 --> 00:27:51,421
That's terrible, guys.
I'm really sorry.

360
00:27:51,421 --> 00:27:55,507
I became "Night Bitch" after my sister was
murdered and found in a dumpster.

361
00:27:55,507 --> 00:28:00,136
- Shit.
- Doesn't bring her back, but at least I'm doing something positive about it.

362
00:28:00,136 --> 00:28:02,471
Insect Man?

363
00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:06,182
I've been bullied my
whole life for being gay.

364
00:28:06,182 --> 00:28:09,060
So, now I stand up
for the defenseless.

365
00:28:09,060 --> 00:28:11,104
That's why I don't
wear a mask.

366
00:28:11,104 --> 00:28:13,438
Too much like being
back in the closet.

367
00:28:13,438 --> 00:28:16,983
Long as your heart is in the right place,
we don't care what you put in your mouth.

368
00:28:16,983 --> 00:28:19,276
- Fist bump.
- Thank you, sir.

369
00:28:19,776 --> 00:28:25,322
Well, I became "Battle Guy" after my parents were
mugged and killed coming home from the opera.

370
00:28:25,322 --> 00:28:28,826
Did I tell you guys that that sick bastard
maxed out their credit cards on porno sites?

371
00:28:28,826 --> 00:28:30,702
I just hope that we get the
chance to say hello to this guy

372
00:28:30,702 --> 00:28:33,830
someday so I can personally
levitate his soul from his body.

373
00:28:33,830 --> 00:28:36,331
Oh, my
God, Marty?

374
00:28:36,790 --> 00:28:40,752
- I know I recognized your voice.
- No, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about.

375
00:28:40,752 --> 00:28:43,379
I don't know
a Marty.

376
00:28:43,379 --> 00:28:48,465
- Hey, asshole, it's me. Dave.
- Dave?

377
00:28:48,465 --> 00:28:52,428
- Why are you dressed like Kick-Ass?
- Because, I'm Kick-Ass!

378
00:28:52,428 --> 00:28:56,431
- You two know each other?
- Yeah, like, since we were five.

379
00:28:56,431 --> 00:29:00,392
- What's all this bullshit about your parents getting killed?
- Language!

380
00:29:00,392 --> 00:29:06,063
- What?
- Battle Guy? Care to update your resume?

381
00:29:06,605 --> 00:29:11,150
I'm trying to figure out how to explain this
without sounding like a complete idiot right now.

382
00:29:11,150 --> 00:29:15,363
- Yeah, I'm not sure that's possible, Batman.
- I'm not, either.

383
00:29:16,113 --> 00:29:18,198
Okay, well, when I
found you guys online,

384
00:29:18,198 --> 00:29:20,867
you were all swapping these
awesome origin stories.

385
00:29:20,867 --> 00:29:24,077
- I mean, Colonel, you're ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.
- Yo!

386
00:29:24,077 --> 00:29:27,831
- Don't take the Lord's name in vain.
- I'm sorry.

387
00:29:27,831 --> 00:29:33,084
I just, I didn't think you guys would let me
join the team unless I had a good story, too.

388
00:29:33,419 --> 00:29:38,173
All right. We'll let you off the
hook this time, Battle Guy.

389
00:29:38,173 --> 00:29:41,716
- Want to see something cool?
- Yeah!

390
00:29:41,716 --> 00:29:44,260
I thought this could
be our meeting room.

391
00:29:44,260 --> 00:29:48,723
- Woah! This is so cool!
- Now this little renovation was totally clandestine.

392
00:29:48,723 --> 00:29:50,598
Which means nobody
knew about it.

393
00:29:50,598 --> 00:29:55,143
I know it's not much, but
this is just the beginning.

394
00:29:55,143 --> 00:29:57,938
Together, we can make
a real difference.

395
00:29:59,439 --> 00:30:03,484
If you'd consider it, Kick-Ass, we'd
be honored to have you join us.

396
00:30:06,195 --> 00:30:08,529
Hell, yeah!

397
00:30:08,529 --> 00:30:10,823
That's what I'd
like to hear!

398
00:30:10,823 --> 00:30:15,702
Alright! Time for initiation.
Turn around and I'll unzip ya.

399
00:30:15,702 --> 00:30:19,538
- I'm sorry, what?
- I'm just joking. Let's get down to business.

400
00:30:22,165 --> 00:30:26,293
There you are. We saved you a seat
in the caf, but you never showed.

401
00:30:26,293 --> 00:30:29,880
Yeah, I usually head over to
the Olive Garden to carb-load.

402
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:33,381
- I haven't had white sugar since my first birthday.
- Do we need an intervention?

403
00:30:33,381 --> 00:30:36,592
Come on. The best way to tighten up
a tummy is the varsity dance team.

404
00:30:36,592 --> 00:30:39,679
The signing sheet
just went up.

405
00:30:41,514 --> 00:30:44,224
It's still blowing
my mind, "Kick-Ass".

406
00:30:44,224 --> 00:30:47,643
It's like finding out your best
friend's always been Will Smith.

407
00:30:47,643 --> 00:30:52,022
- Hey, guys. What you talking 'bout?
- Nothing.

408
00:30:52,022 --> 00:30:55,315
- Nothing?
- Yeah, Todd, nothing.

409
00:30:55,315 --> 00:31:00,654
- All right, see you around, guys.
- Todd, wait!

410
00:31:00,654 --> 00:31:04,032
- Watch it!
- Watch me end your life!

411
00:31:04,032 --> 00:31:07,325
C'mon, forget it. He's just one of those dickheads
that follows The Motherfucker on Twitter.

412
00:31:07,325 --> 00:31:11,078
- Who?
- The Motherfucker. He's some guy planning to be the world's first supervillain.

413
00:31:11,078 --> 00:31:15,166
- He's got like a thousand followers already.
- What an asshole.

414
00:31:16,082 --> 00:31:17,582
Get some!

415
00:31:17,582 --> 00:31:19,669
You got this,
Motherfucker!

416
00:31:19,669 --> 00:31:22,879
- You really think he got a shot?
- I wouldn't take his money if I didn't.

417
00:31:22,879 --> 00:31:27,841
MMA is like chess, it's all about the moves.
And your boy really knows his stuff.

418
00:31:30,134 --> 00:31:32,471
Time to die,
asshole.

419
00:31:34,430 --> 00:31:37,099
- Are you alright?
- I'm cool.

420
00:31:37,099 --> 00:31:39,977
Good jab!
Nice jab, buddy!

421
00:31:39,977 --> 00:31:42,853
Come on, stay loose, baby.
Walk it off, walk it off!

422
00:31:44,605 --> 00:31:46,899
Shit! Oh, you
broke my leg!

423
00:31:47,399 --> 00:31:50,776
- Come on. Do something. Yeah, let's take a break guys.
- Let's take a break!

424
00:31:50,776 --> 00:31:53,237
Street rules, bitch!

425
00:31:55,990 --> 00:31:58,740
Chuck!
Get this girl off me!

426
00:31:58,740 --> 00:32:02,159
Hey, what are you doing, man? You
all right, Chris? You all right, buddy?

427
00:32:02,159 --> 00:32:06,163
- Get off me, I was winning!
- No, you were crying.

428
00:32:06,163 --> 00:32:08,582
You know what?
Screw this.

429
00:32:08,582 --> 00:32:12,668
My superpower, is
that I'm rich as shit.

430
00:32:12,668 --> 00:32:16,964
Hey, you wanna work for me, huh?
You wanna beat people up for me?

431
00:32:17,965 --> 00:32:23,428
- Sure.
- Alright! Let's get you a mask and a costume and we will call you...

432
00:32:23,428 --> 00:32:25,804
"Black Death".

433
00:32:25,804 --> 00:32:28,181
Woah, you don't think that's just
a little bit incredibly racist?

434
00:32:28,181 --> 00:32:30,890
I don't give a shit! I want
you to put the word out.

435
00:32:30,890 --> 00:32:34,018
That I'm willing to pay top-dollar
for every hired hitter in town.

436
00:32:34,018 --> 00:32:36,396
- Come on, let's just talk about it first.
- The money talks.

437
00:32:36,396 --> 00:32:41,232
You wanted me to be my own man.
This is what it looks like.

438
00:32:41,232 --> 00:32:46,279
- Alright, alright, I'll make some calls.
- Yes! Anybody else who wanna be a supervillain?

439
00:32:46,279 --> 00:32:49,197
I promise I'll pay better than
Chuck "Little Dick" Liddell!

440
00:32:49,197 --> 00:32:53,241
- What did you call me?
- No, no, man. He took a hit to the head, he doesn't know what he's saying.

441
00:32:53,909 --> 00:32:56,328
I've been studying privately
with Coach Podell.

442
00:32:56,328 --> 00:33:00,582
And by studying, I mean my mom
paid her off to make me varsity.

443
00:33:00,582 --> 00:33:04,167
So, if you're half-decent I'll make
sure she puts you on the team.

444
00:33:04,167 --> 00:33:07,753
- At least as an alternate.
- You'd do that for me?

445
00:33:07,753 --> 00:33:10,882
Besties stick
together.

446
00:33:10,882 --> 00:33:13,341
If Brooke wants a pet, she
should just get a dog.

447
00:33:13,341 --> 00:33:15,718
She's just trying to recreate
Mindy in her own image.

448
00:33:15,718 --> 00:33:18,721
All right ladies, have a
seat, let's get started.

449
00:33:57,084 --> 00:33:59,503
Mindy Macready.

450
00:34:03,380 --> 00:34:08,092
As long as you don't fall
on your face, you're in. Go.

451
00:34:21,144 --> 00:34:22,020
Four attackers...

452
00:34:24,272 --> 00:34:25,054
No escape.

453
00:35:19,108 --> 00:35:24,986
- Oh my God! You'd totally make captain.
- So much better than Brooke's.

454
00:35:26,613 --> 00:35:29,199
A bunch of people
with made-up names,

455
00:35:29,199 --> 00:35:31,533
standing around in
homemade costumes,

456
00:35:31,533 --> 00:35:34,536
searching the web
for unsolved crimes?

457
00:35:34,536 --> 00:35:38,707
Comic book heroes all have billion-dollar
bases and headquarters on the moon.

458
00:35:38,707 --> 00:35:40,499
But this is the
real world.

459
00:35:40,499 --> 00:35:43,376
- Scales, like red, white and blue.
- Ist's awesome!

460
00:35:43,626 --> 00:35:44,377
Brick.

461
00:35:47,338 --> 00:35:49,797
- What do you think?
- I think it does the job.

462
00:35:49,797 --> 00:35:51,759
People should get
what they deserve.

463
00:35:51,759 --> 00:35:54,676
A family living in the street
deserves a hot meal.

464
00:35:54,676 --> 00:35:58,138
An inebriated college girl deserves
to make it home safe at night.

465
00:35:58,138 --> 00:36:01,724
And a pervert,
a pedophile...

466
00:36:02,558 --> 00:36:05,310
Deserves a visit
from Eisenhower.

467
00:36:08,103 --> 00:36:12,441
Now you don't wanna hit with your closed fist. Because
you might break your hand, then you're defenseless.

468
00:36:12,441 --> 00:36:14,359
You wanna hit with
open palm!

469
00:36:14,359 --> 00:36:16,027
Open palm!

470
00:36:17,528 --> 00:36:22,074
I never made varsity football,
or got cast in the school play.

471
00:36:22,074 --> 00:36:24,242
Hell, I never even
made honor roll.

472
00:36:24,242 --> 00:36:25,951
Dropped like
a bitch!

473
00:36:25,951 --> 00:36:30,413
But if I had, I kinda believed it
would've felt a lot like this.

474
00:36:30,663 --> 00:36:33,750
"When the cops can no
longer, protect and serve,

475
00:36:33,750 --> 00:36:36,417
be warned, mugger,
heads up, perv!

476
00:36:36,417 --> 00:36:39,045
We got the strength,
we got the nerve,

477
00:36:39,045 --> 00:36:41,714
to give those in need,
what they deserve!"

478
00:36:41,714 --> 00:36:44,633
Justice Forever!

479
00:36:45,133 --> 00:36:47,259
We were in the
ultimate clique.

480
00:36:47,259 --> 00:36:50,679
It didn't matter that no
one else knew. We knew.

481
00:36:50,679 --> 00:36:52,681
We felt like
rockstars.

482
00:36:52,681 --> 00:36:55,642
Doctor, good job.
Battle Guy....

483
00:36:55,642 --> 00:36:58,768
Good night, Colonel,
Thanks for everything.

484
00:36:58,768 --> 00:37:01,229
No, son,
thank you.

485
00:37:01,229 --> 00:37:03,773
You showed us that every
man can make a difference.

486
00:37:03,773 --> 00:37:07,193
Without Kick-Ass, none
of us would be here.

487
00:37:07,193 --> 00:37:11,112
That's from the heart. Don't
let it go to your head.

488
00:37:13,989 --> 00:37:15,574
So...

489
00:37:15,908 --> 00:37:18,659
I'm not really
that tired.

490
00:37:31,795 --> 00:37:35,005
- Okay.
- Let's leave the masks on.

491
00:37:35,005 --> 00:37:38,259
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

492
00:37:41,635 --> 00:37:45,097
First big mission is tonight.
And it's not community service.

493
00:37:45,097 --> 00:37:47,432
We're taking out
some real bad guys.

494
00:37:47,432 --> 00:37:51,936
- Can't your team handle it?
- They're not you, Mindy.

495
00:37:51,936 --> 00:37:55,522
Remembering Tommy owns a dry fruit
business and Night Bitch teaches ballet.

496
00:37:55,522 --> 00:38:00,193
Night Bitch? What is she, a
superhero or a softcore porno?

497
00:38:00,193 --> 00:38:02,193
Maybe a little
bit of both.

498
00:38:02,193 --> 00:38:05,238
Oh, God! You're
frogging her?

499
00:38:05,238 --> 00:38:07,365
I'm gonna vom.

500
00:38:07,365 --> 00:38:12,118
Hey, you're like a ninja. Can't you just
sneak out? After Marcus goes to sleep?

501
00:38:12,702 --> 00:38:14,995
You don't
get it, Dave.

502
00:38:16,663 --> 00:38:20,959
- I made a promise to Marcus.
- So break it. You're a superhero, remember?

503
00:38:20,959 --> 00:38:23,586
Mindy Macready is
just a disguise.

504
00:38:24,170 --> 00:38:27,131
Yeah, I don't know what kind
of superhero "Night Whore" is,

505
00:38:27,131 --> 00:38:31,509
but if you really think I'd ever break my word,
you obviously have no idea of who I am.

506
00:38:31,509 --> 00:38:34,719
I know that making dance team doesn't
make you stop being who you are.

507
00:38:34,719 --> 00:38:38,055
I know Hit-Girl couldn't give a shit
about what high school girls are into.

508
00:38:38,055 --> 00:38:41,475
I know that you wouldn't go on a
date if your life depended on it.

509
00:38:41,475 --> 00:38:45,561
- Go to hell, Dave.
- What? You know I'm right.

510
00:38:45,853 --> 00:38:49,565
- Hey, roid-rage. Yeah.
- Me?

511
00:38:49,565 --> 00:38:54,027
- You wanna take me on a date sometime?
- Yeah! Sure, umm...

512
00:38:54,027 --> 00:38:56,904
My name is,
umm, Simon.

513
00:38:57,403 --> 00:39:00,616
Great, "um,
Simon."

514
00:39:00,616 --> 00:39:02,492
It's a date.

515
00:39:02,492 --> 00:39:06,161
- Mindy! I'm sorry.
- Is there a problem, Mind?

516
00:39:06,161 --> 00:39:10,331
Good. 'Cause I
don't like problems.

517
00:39:10,623 --> 00:39:16,085
Dave, you've been sneaking out at night? Mrs. Napier
said she thought she saw you leaving at 2 in the morning.

518
00:39:16,085 --> 00:39:21,381
Miss Napier's crazy, dad. She
tried to teach her dog Spanish.

519
00:39:22,633 --> 00:39:24,343
Are you
on drugs?

520
00:39:24,343 --> 00:39:30,972
- Seriously?
- I gotta ask. You're my best bud and you're growing up so fast.

521
00:39:30,972 --> 00:39:34,100
Promise me you're not
doing anything foolish?

522
00:39:34,100 --> 00:39:36,810
I promise.

523
00:39:36,810 --> 00:39:39,604
Good enough
for me, pal.

524
00:39:39,604 --> 00:39:42,190
You're too smart to
do anything stupid.

525
00:39:42,690 --> 00:39:46,651
Justice Forever!

526
00:39:46,651 --> 00:39:50,029
I'm glad you got that
out of your system.

527
00:39:51,363 --> 00:39:53,406
Todd texted
me. Again.

528
00:39:55,742 --> 00:39:58,119
Dude, how badass is
Colonel Stars and Stripes?

529
00:39:58,119 --> 00:40:00,703
Yeah, I still can't believe
he's an ex-mob enforcer.

530
00:40:00,703 --> 00:40:02,872
I mean, how do you go from
that to being a superhero?

531
00:40:02,872 --> 00:40:06,167
- He's a born again Christian. Yeah!
- Shut up!

532
00:40:06,167 --> 00:40:09,210
Let's hope he
can handle tonight.

533
00:40:11,504 --> 00:40:14,756
I guess we're about
to find out.

534
00:40:21,053 --> 00:40:23,222
Hey, where's the
rest of the team?

535
00:40:23,222 --> 00:40:27,059
Dr. Gravity has the flu and Remembering
Tommy got Book of Mormon tickets, so...

536
00:40:27,059 --> 00:40:30,977
That's okay. The
five of us should do.

537
00:40:30,977 --> 00:40:33,813
How did you say this guy made
his money, sir? Prostitution?

538
00:40:33,813 --> 00:40:37,733
Not just girls. Kids. Ships them
in from villages back home.

539
00:40:38,234 --> 00:40:42,319
- Boneheads in blue take a blind eye.
- How do you know he's here tonight?

540
00:40:42,319 --> 00:40:44,738
Because Thursday night
is poker night.

541
00:40:44,738 --> 00:40:49,201
Same five lowlifes every week.
They're not even hard to find.

542
00:40:49,201 --> 00:40:53,454
- So what's the plan? Are we sneaking in?
- I thought we'd knock.

543
00:40:53,454 --> 00:40:55,497
- What?
- More polite.

544
00:40:55,497 --> 00:40:57,999
Stay frosty, team.

545
00:40:57,999 --> 00:41:01,502
I used to eat punks
like this for breakfast.

546
00:41:03,002 --> 00:41:05,712
Jehovah's Witness!

547
00:41:08,091 --> 00:41:11,218
(Speaking Chinese)

548
00:41:11,844 --> 00:41:15,762
(Speaking Chinese)

549
00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:17,931
(Speaking Chinese)

550
00:41:17,931 --> 00:41:23,018
I'm sorry, I just zoned out for a second. Did you
say that we're going up against five gangsters?

551
00:41:23,477 --> 00:41:25,813
The bouncer
makes six.

552
00:41:28,898 --> 00:41:32,318
- And three quarters.
- What the fuck do you want?

553
00:41:32,318 --> 00:41:35,445
Good evening, young man.
We'd like a word with Jimmy Kim.

554
00:41:35,445 --> 00:41:38,281
If it's not too
inconvenient.

555
00:41:39,824 --> 00:41:45,120
Get the fuck out of here before I
tear your head off, you old fuck.

556
00:41:45,870 --> 00:41:49,206
- I'm sorry.
- I think we're in trouble.

557
00:41:49,206 --> 00:41:53,877
I just don't understand why people feel
the need to use that kind of language.

558
00:42:03,885 --> 00:42:05,678
Oh, sweet
Jesus.

559
00:42:05,678 --> 00:42:07,929
Battle Guy?

560
00:42:07,929 --> 00:42:11,640
- What did I tell you about taking the Lord's name in vain?
- Sorry, sir.

561
00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:13,934
Eisenhower,
at the ready.

562
00:42:13,934 --> 00:42:18,562
Insect Man, I want you right behind me.
Everybody else, spread out, catch some strays.

563
00:42:19,396 --> 00:42:20,897
And try to
have fun.

564
00:42:21,148 --> 00:42:24,693
Otherwise,
what's the point?

565
00:42:24,985 --> 00:42:27,987
Nice party. Anybody
wanna dance?

566
00:42:27,987 --> 00:42:29,987
(Curses in Chinese)

567
00:42:34,825 --> 00:42:36,952
Where are
you going?

568
00:42:43,081 --> 00:42:45,417
Very nice!

569
00:42:47,168 --> 00:42:49,253
Watch the bunny!

570
00:42:58,762 --> 00:43:01,387
Night Bitch!
Behind you!

571
00:43:17,859 --> 00:43:19,903
I got his
right arm.

572
00:43:25,866 --> 00:43:29,661
You know, you shouldn't talk with
your mouth full. It's very rude.

573
00:43:29,661 --> 00:43:31,662
Come on!

574
00:43:31,994 --> 00:43:34,330
Who the hell
are you?

575
00:43:34,747 --> 00:43:39,460
- We're the good guys.
- No, you're the fucking dead guys.

576
00:43:41,212 --> 00:43:44,380
Eisenhower.

577
00:43:52,845 --> 00:43:56,473
- Where are the girls?
- Come on, man. I've got a heart problem.

578
00:43:56,473 --> 00:43:58,432
Oh, yeah?

579
00:43:59,476 --> 00:44:02,269
You want me to
solve that for you?

580
00:44:03,686 --> 00:44:06,689
Okay. The girls are upstairs
in the apartments.

581
00:44:06,689 --> 00:44:10,443
My little brother, he's only a kid.
He's just a college kid.

582
00:44:10,901 --> 00:44:13,070
- Kick-Ass, Night Bitch.
- On it!

583
00:44:13,070 --> 00:44:16,571
Ralph D'Amico is gonna
end you for this.

584
00:44:16,571 --> 00:44:20,659
- It hurts!
- Yeah, there's a dog on your balls.

585
00:44:22,452 --> 00:44:25,870
You want money? There's
fifty grand in the table.

586
00:44:25,870 --> 00:44:28,206
Please, just make
him stop! Please!

587
00:44:28,998 --> 00:44:32,334
You think you can buy us?
Is that what you think?

588
00:44:32,334 --> 00:44:36,712
We're not here to steal from you.
We're here to send a message.

589
00:44:36,712 --> 00:44:39,590
To all the other
bottom-dwellers.

590
00:44:40,758 --> 00:44:45,762
- We're shutting you down.
- C'mon. There's a van waiting outside from the women's shelter.

591
00:44:45,762 --> 00:44:48,430
It'll take you
someplace safe.

592
00:44:49,014 --> 00:44:52,559
Wait, we can't leave.
We have no money.

593
00:44:52,851 --> 00:44:56,645
- Battle Guy, how much did they have on the table?
- I'd say fifty grand.

594
00:44:56,645 --> 00:45:00,898
- You got plenty now.
- Thank you.

595
00:45:10,990 --> 00:45:12,741
Good job, guys.

596
00:45:12,741 --> 00:45:15,493
Very tidy.
Very tidy.

597
00:45:15,910 --> 00:45:20,038
I can't believe you pulled a gun on that guy.
Were you really gonna shoot him?

598
00:45:20,038 --> 00:45:22,582
I'll let you in
on a little secret.

599
00:45:23,375 --> 00:45:26,377
Empty. Don't tell
the bad guys.

600
00:45:26,377 --> 00:45:30,629
Pardon my language, Colonel, but
you have got some serious balls.

601
00:45:30,629 --> 00:45:33,257
Certainly more
than Mr. Kim.

602
00:45:33,257 --> 00:45:36,010
"There's a dog
on my balls!"

603
00:45:38,345 --> 00:45:41,681
- Goddamn it! Javier!
- What happened?

604
00:45:41,681 --> 00:45:46,518
Some douche just posted a link to a story about a
whorehouse. Says that Kick-Ass' team took them out.

605
00:45:46,518 --> 00:45:50,395
- What the hell, where's my crew?
- Chris, everybody's just...

606
00:45:52,397 --> 00:45:55,025
Could you ladies excuse
us for a second?

607
00:45:55,025 --> 00:45:57,235
No, they're my sidekicks, they can
listen to what we have to...

608
00:45:57,235 --> 00:46:00,696
They're not your sidekicks, Chris.
They're prostitutes and witnesses. Come on.

609
00:46:00,696 --> 00:46:03,406
Sorry. No
offense.

610
00:46:03,615 --> 00:46:06,492
Everybody's just too afraid of your
uncle Ralph to take the job.

611
00:46:06,492 --> 00:46:09,912
- But he's in prison.
- Doesn't matter. He runs the family now.

612
00:46:09,912 --> 00:46:12,163
And he wants
everybody to lay low.

613
00:46:12,163 --> 00:46:15,916
But fortunately for you, Big Tony doesn't
know how to lay low so he's here.

614
00:46:15,916 --> 00:46:19,669
- I don't remember a Big Tony. Is he huge?
- He's ironic.

615
00:46:19,669 --> 00:46:23,088
Five-foot-four,
but mean as shit.

616
00:46:26,841 --> 00:46:29,802
He's got such a hard-
on for killing people.

617
00:46:29,802 --> 00:46:33,137
- He's little, and he kills.
- Right.

618
00:46:33,347 --> 00:46:36,390
Call him "The Tumor".
Who's next?

619
00:46:36,390 --> 00:46:39,810
Alright. We got an ex-Triad
member, looking for work.

620
00:46:39,810 --> 00:46:42,812
Easy! "Genghis
Carnage"! Come on! .

621
00:46:42,812 --> 00:46:47,524
- You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris.
- Archetypes. Keep going.

622
00:46:47,524 --> 00:46:51,362
- Alright, we got a Katryna Dubrovsky. Yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait, a chick?

623
00:46:51,362 --> 00:46:53,321
- You're saying you hired a chick?
- Yeah.

624
00:46:53,321 --> 00:46:58,491
Former KGB. She was locked up in
the gulag until she ate her cellmate.

625
00:46:59,700 --> 00:47:01,994
"Mother Russia".

626
00:47:01,994 --> 00:47:05,205
Mother Russia and Motherfucker both on
the same team? That doesn't work, Chris.

627
00:47:05,205 --> 00:47:07,540
I am not asking for
suggestions, asshole.

628
00:47:07,540 --> 00:47:11,250
Just get them costumes
and get them ready.

629
00:47:11,250 --> 00:47:14,588
Shit. Javier,
thank you.

630
00:47:14,588 --> 00:47:17,547
I couldn't do
this without you.

631
00:47:18,298 --> 00:47:22,010
You're pretty much like the
only real family I have left.

632
00:47:22,010 --> 00:47:24,679
Not a problem, man.
I got your back.

633
00:47:24,679 --> 00:47:28,098
It's kinda like you're the Alfred
to my evil Bruce Wayne.

634
00:47:28,098 --> 00:47:32,893
- Did you just call me your fucking butler?
- Yeah, is it not a compliment?

635
00:47:32,893 --> 00:47:35,270
Shit. My bad.

636
00:47:38,522 --> 00:47:40,691
There wasn't much
action those nights.

637
00:47:40,691 --> 00:47:44,319
I mean, there was always a
little action, with Night Bitch.

638
00:47:46,780 --> 00:47:50,533
The reality of being a superhero,
is lots of patrols.

639
00:47:50,533 --> 00:47:54,452
But that didn't stop people
from begging to join up.

640
00:47:56,829 --> 00:48:01,249
With all our new members, it
seemed kinda shitty not to ask Todd.

641
00:48:02,750 --> 00:48:05,545
Stop peeking man,
you're gonna ruin it.

642
00:48:05,545 --> 00:48:06,546
Check, it,
out!

643
00:48:09,630 --> 00:48:11,090
You can't fight
crime in that.

644
00:48:11,090 --> 00:48:13,509
You're pants are so tight,
you got frog eye.

645
00:48:13,509 --> 00:48:16,512
- What the hell's frog eye?
- Male cameltoe.

646
00:48:16,512 --> 00:48:19,304
I'm not really sure about these names
you've come up with, either.

647
00:48:19,304 --> 00:48:22,807
Whoop-ass, Kickass-Man,
Doctor Kick-ass?

648
00:48:22,807 --> 00:48:26,561
- Yeah?
- Yeah, they all kinda seem, derivative?

649
00:48:26,561 --> 00:48:31,398
Let me translate that: you can't just
copy Dave's name, you nobgobbler!

650
00:48:31,398 --> 00:48:34,109
Okay, umm...

651
00:48:34,608 --> 00:48:35,943
Oh, wait.

652
00:48:35,943 --> 00:48:39,321
Oh, I got it. I
got it. I got it.

653
00:48:39,905 --> 00:48:40,656
"Ass-kicker".

654
00:48:43,448 --> 00:48:46,410
- Seriously?
- You're such a dick, Marty.

655
00:48:46,410 --> 00:48:49,121
I know this is why you guys don't text
me back. I'm not an actual idiot.

656
00:48:49,121 --> 00:48:52,330
Well, you could've
fooled me, "Ass-licker".

657
00:48:52,873 --> 00:48:55,542
- You know what, screw you guys. No, really.
- Todd.

658
00:48:55,542 --> 00:48:57,961
Fuck you guys. I'm gonna
form my own team.

659
00:48:57,961 --> 00:49:00,546
Todd, wait,
come on!

660
00:49:01,089 --> 00:49:04,257
Todd was right. We
are being dicks.

661
00:49:04,257 --> 00:49:08,927
But the truth is, the only person who
I really wanted on the team was Mindy.

662
00:49:08,927 --> 00:49:12,305
But she was too busy trying
not be a superhero.

663
00:49:12,555 --> 00:49:15,307
Okay, Mind,
he's here.

664
00:49:21,395 --> 00:49:24,105
Your first big date.
How are you feeling?

665
00:49:24,105 --> 00:49:29,152
Like the first time Big Daddy sent me into
a crack den with nothing but a pen knife?

666
00:49:29,152 --> 00:49:31,904
I've got some
butterflies.

667
00:49:32,905 --> 00:49:35,948
You just be yourself and
you let me be nervous.

668
00:49:35,948 --> 00:49:39,535
Don't worry about me. I can kill
a man with his own finger.

669
00:49:39,535 --> 00:49:42,955
A word of advice:
I wouldn't open with that.

670
00:49:47,124 --> 00:49:50,126
Thanks for letting me
finally take you out.

671
00:49:50,126 --> 00:49:53,630
How else was I gonna get
you to stop calling?

672
00:49:53,921 --> 00:49:56,631
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

673
00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:12,019
- Where are we going?
- To a party.

674
00:50:12,019 --> 00:50:15,063
Why is this party in
the middle of nowhere?

675
00:50:15,063 --> 00:50:18,606
Because that's where keg
parties are usually are, right?

676
00:50:32,285 --> 00:50:35,912
- I guess we're the first ones here.
- This isn't where you have a party, moron.

677
00:50:35,912 --> 00:50:39,206
- This is where you dump a dead body.
- What's your problem?

678
00:50:39,206 --> 00:50:41,291
I'm sorry.

679
00:50:41,583 --> 00:50:43,919
I'll stop being
such a bitch.

680
00:50:43,919 --> 00:50:47,213
You actually seem
like a nice guy.

681
00:50:47,881 --> 00:50:49,840
So, umm...

682
00:50:49,840 --> 00:50:51,300
You wanna
hook up?

683
00:50:51,300 --> 00:50:53,509
I'm not a
total idiot.

684
00:50:55,344 --> 00:50:57,972
Simon, get back
in the car.

685
00:50:57,972 --> 00:50:59,015
Now!

686
00:51:09,272 --> 00:51:11,482
Yay! You made it.

687
00:51:11,482 --> 00:51:16,570
- Brooke?
- This, is to celebrate you.

688
00:51:16,570 --> 00:51:18,362
Celebrate?

689
00:51:18,362 --> 00:51:21,823
What a total
loser you are. And...

690
00:51:21,823 --> 00:51:24,701
We ditch
losers.

691
00:51:24,701 --> 00:51:28,079
Poor Mindy.
What did you think?

692
00:51:28,079 --> 00:51:30,872
The cool kids saw something
special in you, and,

693
00:51:30,872 --> 00:51:33,790
invited you to
your first party?

694
00:51:33,790 --> 00:51:38,545
Where you'd sip your first beer and,
finally suck face for the first time?

695
00:51:38,545 --> 00:51:42,798
Newsflash:
You're not special.

696
00:51:44,341 --> 00:51:48,845
Fuck with the queen bee and,
you're gonna get stung.

697
00:51:49,930 --> 00:51:51,890
Date ditch.

698
00:51:52,388 --> 00:51:56,100
Party at
my house!

699
00:52:43,680 --> 00:52:45,472
Dave?

700
00:52:46,390 --> 00:52:48,642
Oh, my
God, Mindy?

701
00:52:48,642 --> 00:52:51,353
Holy shit. What
are you doing?

702
00:52:51,353 --> 00:52:53,397
It's just...

703
00:52:53,397 --> 00:52:56,522
I needed to see
my Robin, I guess.

704
00:52:58,149 --> 00:53:00,526
Are you okay?

705
00:53:06,614 --> 00:53:08,991
I don't know
what to do.

706
00:53:08,991 --> 00:53:12,160
Those girls,
they're...

707
00:53:12,160 --> 00:53:14,454
They're evil.

708
00:53:14,454 --> 00:53:16,748
It's just high school.
Who gives a shit.

709
00:53:16,748 --> 00:53:19,165
You should be out there
in the real world.

710
00:53:19,165 --> 00:53:21,251
Making it
a better place.

711
00:53:21,251 --> 00:53:25,755
- Dave, I can't.
- I know, you promised your dad.

712
00:53:27,089 --> 00:53:29,966
But he's not
here anymore.

713
00:53:29,966 --> 00:53:33,511
This is your life.
You got to live it.

714
00:53:34,136 --> 00:53:38,432
How am I supposed to
face them tomorrow?

715
00:53:38,432 --> 00:53:39,765
I'm so embarrassed.

716
00:53:39,765 --> 00:53:46,605
Why? You're smart, you're
beautiful, you're funny.

717
00:53:47,772 --> 00:53:51,442
You're the strongest person I've
ever met. You can do anything.

718
00:53:51,442 --> 00:53:52,192
And you're
Hit-Girl!

719
00:53:53,861 --> 00:53:56,946
It doesn't matter if you're
wearing a mask or make-up.

720
00:53:56,946 --> 00:54:00,198
That's who you
really are.

721
00:54:00,198 --> 00:54:03,325
So what should I do?
Cut their tongues out?

722
00:54:03,325 --> 00:54:06,786
- No, definitely not.
- I'm fucking with you.

723
00:54:09,497 --> 00:54:12,749
Just beat them at
their own game.

724
00:54:12,749 --> 00:54:15,544
By being
yourself.

725
00:54:23,258 --> 00:54:27,970
Well, if you really wanna be
popular, consider two little words:

726
00:54:27,970 --> 00:54:29,096
Sex tape.

727
00:54:46,693 --> 00:54:49,321
Lois, you don't need
these assholes.

728
00:54:49,321 --> 00:54:52,407
If I can dress like them,
so can you.

729
00:54:52,407 --> 00:54:55,950
It's a gift. From some drug
dealer who went missing.

730
00:54:57,410 --> 00:55:01,580
Just because you dress like us, doesn't
mean that you can be like one of us.

731
00:55:01,580 --> 00:55:04,956
It doesn't matter what costume
I wear, yours or mine.

732
00:55:04,956 --> 00:55:07,959
I'm a superhero.
That's who I am.

733
00:55:07,959 --> 00:55:12,048
Okay, Captain Muffin-muncher.
Have fun playing make-believe.

734
00:55:12,048 --> 00:55:14,507
This, is all make-
believe, Brooke.

735
00:55:14,507 --> 00:55:17,551
The reality is,
you're an evil bitch.

736
00:55:17,551 --> 00:55:20,511
Who's just as bad as
the worst criminal scum.

737
00:55:20,511 --> 00:55:24,098
You wanna get real, Mindy?
In the real world, I win.

738
00:55:24,098 --> 00:55:27,141
I go to an awesome college,
I marry a hot guy,

739
00:55:27,141 --> 00:55:29,602
and I make adorable babies for
my nanny to take care of

740
00:55:29,602 --> 00:55:31,854
while we vacate
in Paris.

741
00:55:31,854 --> 00:55:35,649
My life is gonna rock.
And yours is gonna suck.

742
00:55:35,649 --> 00:55:38,026
And no matter how
slutty you dress,

743
00:55:38,026 --> 00:55:41,654
no boy is ever gonna wanna
kiss that hole you call a mouth.

744
00:55:41,654 --> 00:55:45,323
So why don't you spare us all
the whining and slit your wrists now.

745
00:55:45,323 --> 00:55:49,785
'Cause the only thing that's gonna ruin my
day is looking at your face one more second.

746
00:55:49,785 --> 00:55:50,535
Told her.

747
00:55:53,622 --> 00:55:56,499
What's that? A
ghetto cellphone?

748
00:55:56,499 --> 00:55:59,834
Gonna call for help
with a comeback?

749
00:55:59,834 --> 00:56:03,671
Actually, my daddy bought this
from a disgruntled darpo employee.

750
00:56:03,671 --> 00:56:06,714
You see it was designed for crowd
control but deemed too severe.

751
00:56:06,714 --> 00:56:10,717
It emits a pulse that creates
spontaneous nausea and diarrhea.

752
00:56:11,885 --> 00:56:14,012
He called it
the "sick stick".

753
00:56:14,012 --> 00:56:18,391
Well, either your dad got ripped off, or you're
back in make-believe land, sweetheart.

754
00:56:18,391 --> 00:56:20,600
Because we
feel fabulous.

755
00:56:20,600 --> 00:56:22,726
Not for long.

756
00:56:30,441 --> 00:56:33,277
Oh, my God!

757
00:56:34,070 --> 00:56:36,988
You get away from me.
Please. You win.

758
00:56:36,988 --> 00:56:41,575
I don't want to win. I just want to
make the world a better place.

759
00:57:03,217 --> 00:57:07,221
Is this what you've been up to while I'm out
working nights saving for your college? You've been,

760
00:57:07,221 --> 00:57:11,849
dressing up and fighting people?
There is blood on these stick-things.

761
00:57:12,850 --> 00:57:14,476
What are you doing
in my room?

762
00:57:14,476 --> 00:57:15,518
Dad!

763
00:57:15,518 --> 00:57:16,353
Are you at home?

764
00:57:16,353 --> 00:57:17,729
I was looking for drugs.
I was worried about you.

765
00:57:17,729 --> 00:57:20,982
- Okay, well now you can stop.
- No. Now I'm even more worried.

766
00:57:20,982 --> 00:57:25,152
Jesus, Dave. Drugs would have been
better. This is deranged.

767
00:57:25,152 --> 00:57:27,945
- Some people do a lot worse.
- Oh, the people you hang out with?

768
00:57:27,945 --> 00:57:31,323
No, the people I hang out
with are superheroes.

769
00:57:31,323 --> 00:57:36,410
There is no such thing, Dave. This
is the real world, with real consequences.

770
00:57:36,410 --> 00:57:39,621
- When are you gonna grow up?
- If it means turning into you, never.

771
00:57:39,621 --> 00:57:43,333
I don't wear that mask 'cause I'm
ashamed of who I am. Not like you.

772
00:57:44,708 --> 00:57:48,169
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're out of work. You're here doing crunches.

773
00:57:48,169 --> 00:57:52,715
Why? So you'd look like someone else?
Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing?

774
00:57:52,715 --> 00:57:56,467
Your life has no meaning, dad.
When you're gone, who's gonna notice?

775
00:57:56,467 --> 00:58:01,388
- Where the hell are you going?
-Oh, I'm leaving. That's what you do when you grow up.

776
00:58:08,311 --> 00:58:10,812
Did he say why
he wanted to see me?

777
00:58:10,812 --> 00:58:14,440
When your uncle Ralph
calls, don't ask questions.

778
00:58:17,108 --> 00:58:19,485
That's the kid?

779
00:58:20,111 --> 00:58:23,990
Chris, just be cool
and you'll be fine.

780
00:58:28,075 --> 00:58:31,161
- Hey, how you doing?
- Good, Uncle Ralph.

781
00:58:31,161 --> 00:58:35,999
Listen, Chris things have been tough
all around since your dad, you know....

782
00:58:39,335 --> 00:58:44,714
- Uncle Ralph, they record these things.
- It's fine. The warden's a pal.

783
00:58:44,714 --> 00:58:49,968
Now listen to me. It's okay to have a bit of fun.
But you can't go hiring a gang of heavy-hitters.

784
00:58:49,968 --> 00:58:53,555
- Javier should have told you.
- It doesn't matter.

785
00:58:53,555 --> 00:58:57,432
Uncle Ralph, I am gonna make Kick-Ass
pay for what he did to us.

786
00:58:57,432 --> 00:59:00,684
Chris, you need to
forget that punk.

787
00:59:00,684 --> 00:59:05,981
It's more important that you stay out of this.
You're not like me, or your dad. You're, uhh...

788
00:59:06,565 --> 00:59:08,859
Special.

789
00:59:11,985 --> 00:59:15,197
You can't tell me
what to do anymore.

790
00:59:15,572 --> 00:59:21,451
- I know who I am now.
- Oh, yeah? And who's that?

791
00:59:21,451 --> 00:59:22,494
The Motherfucker.

792
00:59:28,290 --> 00:59:31,625
You think you're the
big bad guy, huh?

793
00:59:32,501 --> 00:59:36,297
Let me show you what
real evil looks like.

794
00:59:45,470 --> 00:59:47,222
<i>Hello?</i>

795
00:59:47,555 --> 00:59:51,266
- Javier, what's going on?
- Chris, what's up?

796
00:59:51,266 --> 00:59:56,354
What are you doing on Lou's phone, huh? You
dropped yours in the toilet again? Everything okay?

797
01:00:19,998 --> 01:00:23,834
Thank you for that.
I needed it.

798
01:00:24,626 --> 01:00:27,796
- For what comes next.
- Don't be stupid, Chris.

799
01:00:27,796 --> 01:00:30,673
Just get out of town for a while.
Go to college or something.

800
01:00:30,673 --> 01:00:36,093
Why? You just taught me
everything I needed to know.

801
01:00:41,722 --> 01:00:46,935
Voila! Presto and
alaca-damn!

802
01:00:46,935 --> 01:00:50,521
Them boys designed a
very tasty logo.

803
01:00:53,816 --> 01:00:56,442
What's the matter, girl?
Do you hear something?

804
01:00:57,819 --> 01:01:00,821
Come on, let's go
see. Come on!

805
01:01:05,617 --> 01:01:08,244
Anybody
out here?

806
01:01:09,495 --> 01:01:11,788
I don't
see anything.

807
01:01:12,414 --> 01:01:16,042
You'll have to stay in there until
you calm down, you lunatic.

808
01:01:20,420 --> 01:01:22,672
I wonder what's
bothering you.

809
01:01:22,672 --> 01:01:27,467
I know. Tonight,
you die.

810
01:01:27,467 --> 01:01:31,095
- Ladies first.
- You will not shoot me.

811
01:01:31,095 --> 01:01:36,141
You are superhero. You help
people. You do not hurt them.

812
01:01:36,141 --> 01:01:38,684
That's supervillain territory.
Or as I call my little gang,

813
01:01:38,684 --> 01:01:43,771
- The "Toxic Mega-Cunts".
- Hi.

814
01:01:48,859 --> 01:01:51,903
Yeah, like
your head.

815
01:02:04,246 --> 01:02:06,873
That's gotta hurt.

816
01:02:18,674 --> 01:02:21,593
I did my homework
on you, Colonel.

817
01:02:21,885 --> 01:02:28,641
You used to be Sal Bertolinni, didn't you? Did a few
jobs for my dad back in the day before you got born again.

818
01:02:28,641 --> 01:02:32,601
I used to hang with,
a lot of losers.

819
01:02:33,227 --> 01:02:37,648
Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal?
Dressed like an idiot?

820
01:02:39,191 --> 01:02:43,152
- Who are you supposed to be?
- I'm The Motherfucker!

821
01:02:43,152 --> 01:02:46,613
And I'm here to end Kick-
Ass. Not just kill him,

822
01:02:50,992 --> 01:02:54,119
Let's trash this
place, guys.

823
01:03:00,208 --> 01:03:02,709
Miranda Swedlow.

824
01:03:03,211 --> 01:03:07,713
Who's that, Sal? She one of
the whores on your team?

825
01:03:20,598 --> 01:03:24,393
Night Bitch. All snuggled
up to Kick-Ass.

826
01:03:24,393 --> 01:03:28,229
Looks like our boy's
got a new hot pocket!

827
01:03:28,813 --> 01:03:31,065
Want me to
kill his dog?

828
01:03:31,065 --> 01:03:34,693
The dog? Jesus Christ,
I'm not that evil.

829
01:03:35,901 --> 01:03:39,905
Cut the old man's head off.
Are you guys hungry? I'm starving.

830
01:03:39,905 --> 01:03:42,366
- Come on.
- Pizza, can we get pizza?

831
01:03:42,366 --> 01:03:43,784
We're getting pizza.

832
01:03:43,784 --> 01:03:47,661
Don't worry.
I kill you first.

833
01:03:49,579 --> 01:03:53,833
Justice,
Forever...

834
01:03:53,833 --> 01:03:57,085
A Brooklyn resident was found
decapitated last night.

835
01:03:57,085 --> 01:04:00,421
According to Twitter, a man claiming
to be the world's first supervillain...

836
01:04:00,421 --> 01:04:04,007
I told you, no TV. You're
grounded, remember?

837
01:04:04,007 --> 01:04:06,176
Marcus, I know I
made you a promise.

838
01:04:06,176 --> 01:04:09,928
But I can't keep being someone I'm not.
When I see evil, I have to stop it.

839
01:04:09,928 --> 01:04:12,931
Mindy what you did to those girls
at school, was unacceptable.

840
01:04:12,931 --> 01:04:15,225
- You could've really hurt them.
- You're right. I could have.

841
01:04:15,225 --> 01:04:19,477
But instead, I sent them home
with tummy aches. Boo-fucking-hoo!

842
01:04:19,477 --> 01:04:22,480
This obsession that you
have with revenge is not healthy.

843
01:04:22,480 --> 01:04:25,858
If you don't let me, and the police do our jobs, then
there's gonna be nothing that I can do for you.

844
01:04:25,858 --> 01:04:29,068
You're never gonna have a normal life, and
you'll probably end up like your father.

845
01:04:29,068 --> 01:04:32,487
Marcus, they cut a guy's head off.
Who else is going to stop them?

846
01:04:32,487 --> 01:04:35,365
Kick-Ass?
You?

847
01:04:35,365 --> 01:04:38,285
You go to your room
and do your homework.

848
01:04:47,458 --> 01:04:49,210
Now!

849
01:04:52,295 --> 01:04:56,549
Hey, guys. We're signing a sympathy
card for the Colonel's sister.

850
01:04:56,549 --> 01:05:00,926
You wanna go 5 bucks each so we
can send flowers from the team?

851
01:05:02,511 --> 01:05:06,473
- Did you guys see The Motherfucker's Twitter page?
- Who is this guy? And what's his problem with us?

852
01:05:06,473 --> 01:05:09,309
I don't know, man, but he
has got some elephant-sized balls.

853
01:05:09,309 --> 01:05:12,102
He's been bragging on the web
about what they did to the Colonel.

854
01:05:12,102 --> 01:05:16,188
- Can that be traced?
- I tried. His IP address is masked.

855
01:05:16,440 --> 01:05:21,319
Alright, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna organize a fight.
There're a lot of guys online who's said they're in if we need them.

856
01:05:21,319 --> 01:05:23,945
Are you kidding me? This
isn't West Side Story.

857
01:05:23,945 --> 01:05:27,072
We didn't join up to be in a gang.
We did it so we could help people.

858
01:05:27,072 --> 01:05:29,491
Sharon's right. We need to
leave this to the cops.

859
01:05:29,491 --> 01:05:34,536
Well we better start walking in pairs. The Motherfucker's
tweeted that the Colonel was just the beginning.

860
01:05:35,162 --> 01:05:38,290
Anybody seen
Night Bitch?

861
01:05:48,130 --> 01:05:54,052
- You sure she's on their team?
- Stupid gash. It's posted on a superhero page that she's dating Kick-Ass.

862
01:05:54,052 --> 01:05:56,928
So, yeah, I'm
damn sure.

863
01:06:00,016 --> 01:06:02,392
Hello, Night Bitch!

864
01:06:04,602 --> 01:06:07,020
I think she wants to
take the party upstairs!

865
01:06:07,020 --> 01:06:09,106
We're gonna
have a party.

866
01:06:09,106 --> 01:06:12,359
She closed
the door!

867
01:06:16,110 --> 01:06:21,282
Don't worry, darling. I'm not gonna kill you. I
want you to give a message to your boyfriend.

868
01:06:24,577 --> 01:06:25,994
Let go!

869
01:06:25,994 --> 01:06:28,663
You're done banging
superheroes, baby!

870
01:06:28,663 --> 01:06:32,792
It's time to see what
evil dick feels like.

871
01:06:39,046 --> 01:06:41,006
Shit!

872
01:06:41,006 --> 01:06:43,257
What's wrong?

873
01:06:44,759 --> 01:06:46,969
What are
you doing?

874
01:06:48,929 --> 01:06:50,846
Come on!

875
01:06:51,807 --> 01:06:55,434
God, okay, I'm just...
I'm not in the mood!

876
01:06:55,434 --> 01:06:57,937
I guess evil
dick feels limp.

877
01:06:57,937 --> 01:06:59,188
Hurt her.

878
01:07:01,855 --> 01:07:04,358
Cops are
coming.

879
01:07:04,358 --> 01:07:07,861
Leave it to Mother Russia.
She makes ten times what we do.

880
01:07:07,861 --> 01:07:12,781
Fifty thousand per
week, plus expenses.

881
01:07:13,115 --> 01:07:15,325
Watch out!

882
01:07:35,132 --> 01:07:37,425
Reverse it,
reverse it!

883
01:07:38,510 --> 01:07:40,178
Damn!

884
01:07:46,558 --> 01:07:48,685
Don't move!
Freeze!

885
01:07:53,813 --> 01:07:57,566
Fifty thousand.
She's worth it!

886
01:08:05,238 --> 01:08:09,409
Why is he backing up? Why's
there a lawnmower on the trunk?

887
01:08:20,626 --> 01:08:23,128
We need back-up!
Eight men down!

888
01:08:23,128 --> 01:08:26,339
I think you
mean ten.

889
01:08:35,178 --> 01:08:36,597
Let's bounce!

890
01:08:36,597 --> 01:08:41,101
Put the word out. I'm building an evil army.
All psychopaths and ex-cons welcome.

891
01:08:41,101 --> 01:08:44,853
I don't think you can have a problem,
when people hear about this.

892
01:08:48,982 --> 01:08:51,066
They just
disappeared?

893
01:08:51,066 --> 01:08:55,653
All they have to do is take off their masks. No one's
gonna recognize them once they're back in their street clothes.

894
01:08:55,653 --> 01:08:57,488
Your attention, please!

895
01:08:57,488 --> 01:09:01,617
Feds traced the IP addresses for
all those other costumed freaks.

896
01:09:01,617 --> 01:09:05,579
Now we got every law enforcement agency
in the state working to hit them at once.

897
01:09:05,579 --> 01:09:08,496
Why is Kick-Ass on this list?
His crew does community service.

898
01:09:08,496 --> 01:09:11,875
I don't give a shit! Anyone wearing
a mask, is getting detained.

899
01:09:11,875 --> 01:09:14,377
We're putting an
end to this tonight!

900
01:09:14,377 --> 01:09:18,005
A lot of people have said the cops
were too heavy-handed that night.

901
01:09:19,005 --> 01:09:21,799
But you gotta
put it in context.

902
01:09:22,467 --> 01:09:25,010
The police didn't mind our
real-life superhero stuff

903
01:09:25,302 --> 01:09:28,928
as long as we were picking up litter,
or helping old ladies cross the street.

904
01:09:30,221 --> 01:09:33,017
But suddenly,
it was serious.

905
01:09:33,309 --> 01:09:37,853
Suddenly we represented everything
that was wrong with society.

906
01:09:39,271 --> 01:09:43,566
Dad had warned me that the
real world had real consequences.

907
01:09:43,566 --> 01:09:47,694
Once they pulled up, he must've been
feeling pretty damn vindicated.

908
01:09:49,278 --> 01:09:53,282
Shit, Dave, what
have you done?

909
01:09:56,410 --> 01:09:58,745
Police, open up!

910
01:10:02,122 --> 01:10:04,958
- Hey.
- Hi.

911
01:10:04,958 --> 01:10:05,708
Me, Kick-Ass?

912
01:10:12,589 --> 01:10:16,092
You're actually pretty
cute under that mask.

913
01:10:16,092 --> 01:10:19,095
I'm so sorry about
what happened.

914
01:10:19,095 --> 01:10:19,971
Don't be.

915
01:10:21,805 --> 01:10:26,517
- It's my own fault.
- We're gonna find these assholes and make this right.

916
01:10:26,517 --> 01:10:29,520
What's the point?

917
01:10:29,853 --> 01:10:34,065
I mean we're really superheroes
but as much as we're really dating.

918
01:10:34,065 --> 01:10:36,983
We don't even know
each other's names.

919
01:10:37,859 --> 01:10:41,446
I think it's time to get
back to the real world.

920
01:10:41,446 --> 01:10:45,073
I thought we were trying to
make it a better place.

921
01:10:45,698 --> 01:10:48,535
Then why is
it worse?

922
01:10:49,536 --> 01:10:54,539
Maybe Night Bitch was right.
Which means Dad was, too.

923
01:10:54,872 --> 01:10:58,292
I mean, things have
gone out of hand.

924
01:10:58,292 --> 01:11:02,629
Maybe it was time for me to stop crashing
at Marty's, and start apologizing.

925
01:11:13,137 --> 01:11:14,763
Dad?

926
01:11:15,429 --> 01:11:17,515
- That's my Dad!
- Your dad's Kick-Ass?

927
01:11:17,515 --> 01:11:20,476
- What?
- Yeah, he just gave himself up.

928
01:11:21,978 --> 01:11:25,813
You don't understand. He's
doing this to protect me. Dad!

929
01:11:26,188 --> 01:11:28,023
Dad!
What...

930
01:11:44,704 --> 01:11:46,997
- Mindy? I need your help.
- Dave?

931
01:11:46,997 --> 01:11:50,417
My dad's been arrested. They think he's
Kick-Ass. Can you talk to Marcus?

932
01:11:50,417 --> 01:11:51,917
- I'm grounded.
- So?

933
01:11:51,917 --> 01:11:54,128
So that means I
can't get involved.

934
01:11:54,128 --> 01:11:56,171
- Okay, look.
- I wish I could help.

935
01:11:56,171 --> 01:11:58,172
Mindy, are you
on the phone?

936
01:11:58,172 --> 01:12:02,134
- Look, I got to go, okay? I'm sorry, Dave.
- Mindy, wait, wait.

937
01:12:15,103 --> 01:12:18,897
- Hey, what the hell are you thinking?
- Yeah? I can ask you the same thing.

938
01:12:18,897 --> 01:12:22,357
- I can't believe you lied to them.
- I'm not supposed to do nothing while you went to jail.

939
01:12:22,357 --> 01:12:25,904
I chose this. You should let me
deal with the consequences.

940
01:12:25,904 --> 01:12:30,906
- I thought you wanted me to grow up.
- Well when you get a kid of your own one day, you'll understand.

941
01:12:30,906 --> 01:12:34,284
- I'mma tell them the truth.
- No, hey, it'll just make things worse. Look,

942
01:12:34,284 --> 01:12:38,038
I spoke to my attorney, and he said
they gotta let me out by tomorrow.

943
01:12:38,038 --> 01:12:41,289
No actual crimes
committed.

944
01:12:42,248 --> 01:12:46,918
There are people out there
who wanna kill Kick-Ass.

945
01:12:46,918 --> 01:12:49,005
Well, the cops are
out there looking for them.

946
01:12:49,005 --> 01:12:53,008
So the safest place for Kick-
Ass is right here, locked away.

947
01:12:53,008 --> 01:12:55,592
Dave I don't know how
you got into all this shit but,

948
01:12:55,592 --> 01:12:59,846
you got to promise me that you
will never dress up in that outfit again.

949
01:12:59,846 --> 01:13:02,805
You hear me?

950
01:13:08,770 --> 01:13:11,563
I promise.

951
01:13:19,153 --> 01:13:22,322
This evil
lair owns!

952
01:13:22,322 --> 01:13:26,450
- Do people still say that? "Own"?
- Yeah, of course.

953
01:13:26,450 --> 01:13:29,995
- Your shark, something's wrong.
- I think it's the wrong kind of water.

954
01:13:29,995 --> 01:13:32,496
- What the hell, Eyal?
- It's fine, Chris.

955
01:13:32,496 --> 01:13:37,083
They're supposed to lie at the bottom of the tank. It's
just their way of, how you say, settling into their environment.

956
01:13:37,083 --> 01:13:41,754
Don't screw me on this, okay? You said we'd be
running in two days, we don't even have a men's wing yet.

957
01:13:41,754 --> 01:13:43,046
Don't worry.

958
01:13:43,046 --> 01:13:46,883
- What's with the bags of shit?
- It's fertilizer for the bombs!

959
01:13:46,883 --> 01:13:49,968
You're not a supervillain if you don't
have a plan to destroy the city.

960
01:13:49,968 --> 01:13:52,971
It will not work. You
need the chemical kind.

961
01:13:52,971 --> 01:13:56,181
Do I have to do everything
myself? Just fix it.

962
01:13:56,181 --> 01:13:59,935
You must relax. Everything
is going as planned.

963
01:14:00,185 --> 01:14:02,978
No, no, no. Except
that it's not, okay?

964
01:14:02,978 --> 01:14:07,775
That sad sack is not Kick-Ass.
I've seen Kick-Ass, he's at my age.

965
01:14:08,108 --> 01:14:12,320
- That guy is old enough to be his father.
- No shit, right?

966
01:14:12,320 --> 01:14:14,905
I'm sorry,
who are you?

967
01:14:14,905 --> 01:14:17,990
I volunteered for your army,
like the others.

968
01:14:17,990 --> 01:14:21,743
Right, I appreciate that. Thanks
for joining the cause.

969
01:14:21,743 --> 01:14:25,330
This is the VIP area
for the core group.

970
01:14:25,330 --> 01:14:29,583
I just thought it's funny you said that.
Because he is Kick-Ass' father.

971
01:14:29,583 --> 01:14:33,170
- Who?
- Mr. Lizewski, he's Kick-Ass' dad.

972
01:14:33,462 --> 01:14:37,506
- Shut up!
- Yeah.

973
01:14:37,506 --> 01:14:40,591
- You're not telling anyone?
- No!

974
01:14:40,591 --> 01:14:45,471
But you, my friend, have just
earned lifetime access to my VIP area.

975
01:14:45,471 --> 01:14:47,931
Go take a
seat. Alright?

976
01:14:47,931 --> 01:14:52,518
Hey, get the kid a Frappuchino. Let me
put his little punk ass back to work.

977
01:14:56,564 --> 01:14:58,230
Okay.

978
01:14:58,939 --> 01:15:00,858
Come on.

979
01:15:13,285 --> 01:15:17,288
- Can I help you?
- The Motherfucker wants us to take a picture with you.

980
01:15:18,163 --> 01:15:20,290
Helps that my dad is
a really good lawyer.

981
01:15:20,290 --> 01:15:24,544
I don't think my beautiful ass would
last too long in prison.

982
01:15:24,544 --> 01:15:28,630
That's weird. Chris D'Amico
just texted me a picture.

983
01:15:28,630 --> 01:15:32,800
Red Mist? Whatever
happened to that guy?

984
01:15:38,179 --> 01:15:40,055
What is it?

985
01:15:40,055 --> 01:15:42,433
Dude, what's wrong?

986
01:16:01,613 --> 01:16:04,907
The next few days
passed in a fog.

987
01:16:05,951 --> 01:16:09,746
It didn't matter that I told
the police about Chris.

988
01:16:09,746 --> 01:16:11,997
They couldn't
find him.

989
01:16:12,830 --> 01:16:16,125
The cops did show up
at dad's funeral.

990
01:16:16,125 --> 01:16:20,254
Not out of respect, but because they
were scared that something would happen.

991
01:16:21,212 --> 01:16:23,590
My dad was
a decent man.

992
01:16:23,590 --> 01:16:27,468
All he ever did was
try and give me a good life.

993
01:16:27,468 --> 01:16:30,428
And I told him no one would
notice when he was gone.

994
01:16:30,428 --> 01:16:32,973
I love you, pal.

995
01:16:33,223 --> 01:16:36,058
I love you
too, Dad.

996
01:16:42,355 --> 01:16:43,981
You guys came.

997
01:16:43,981 --> 01:16:47,732
We would love to help you track
down this Chris D'Amico d-bag, but,

998
01:16:47,732 --> 01:16:50,235
we just got
out on parole.

999
01:16:50,235 --> 01:16:54,365
No, it's fine. I'm not
looking for revenge.

1000
01:16:54,365 --> 01:16:58,076
The last thing I promised my dad,
was that I was gonna give this up.

1001
01:16:58,076 --> 01:17:00,744
And that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

1002
01:17:00,744 --> 01:17:03,121
But you started this.

1003
01:17:03,121 --> 01:17:05,998
And now I'm
ending it.

1004
01:17:13,630 --> 01:17:15,756
Dave, I'm
so sorry.

1005
01:17:15,756 --> 01:17:18,132
Do you hate me
for not helping?

1006
01:17:18,132 --> 01:17:22,470
No, not even a little bit.
You were right.

1007
01:17:22,470 --> 01:17:24,721
You gave
it up.

1008
01:17:24,721 --> 01:17:29,392
If I had too, my dad
would still be alive.

1009
01:17:30,684 --> 01:17:33,478
The only person I
blame is myself.

1010
01:17:47,781 --> 01:17:49,657
That's him!

1011
01:17:51,700 --> 01:17:53,868
Get down!

1012
01:17:57,038 --> 01:17:57,789
Mindy!

1013
01:18:13,426 --> 01:18:15,469
- Over here!
- Dave!

1014
01:18:22,599 --> 01:18:24,143
Come on!

1015
01:18:24,143 --> 01:18:25,769
Oh my God!

1016
01:18:29,606 --> 01:18:31,274
Get him!

1017
01:18:31,274 --> 01:18:34,401
Get that car
over here.

1018
01:18:39,446 --> 01:18:41,198
Mindy!

1019
01:18:41,532 --> 01:18:42,615
Mindy!

1020
01:18:51,582 --> 01:18:52,999
Mindy!

1021
01:18:59,005 --> 01:19:01,548
You're gonna
put this on.

1022
01:19:05,842 --> 01:19:06,718
I'm not gonna
do it.

1023
01:19:09,095 --> 01:19:12,639
There's nothing that you
can do to hurt me.

1024
01:19:14,640 --> 01:19:16,976
You wanna bet?

1025
01:19:22,188 --> 01:19:25,733
Game on,
cocksuckers.

1026
01:19:28,109 --> 01:19:29,986
There's a girl
on the roof!

1027
01:19:42,955 --> 01:19:45,249
She's still
up there!

1028
01:20:01,303 --> 01:20:04,514
- I think I got her.
- Go check!

1029
01:20:13,313 --> 01:20:16,273
Get out there!

1030
01:21:00,724 --> 01:21:03,977
Pull over,
pukeface.

1031
01:21:06,604 --> 01:21:09,690
We know Chris D'Amico's The
Motherfucker. Where is he hiding?

1032
01:21:09,690 --> 01:21:11,982
- Eat a dick!
- You're gonna eat yours if you don't start talking.

1033
01:21:11,982 --> 01:21:14,236
Go ahead and shoot me,
you little bitch.

1034
01:21:14,236 --> 01:21:17,571
There's nothing you can
do that'll make me talk.

1035
01:21:17,571 --> 01:21:22,033
Hold on. I can't do this right
now. It's my dad's funeral.

1036
01:21:22,033 --> 01:21:25,244
Dave, your father loved you.

1037
01:21:26,787 --> 01:21:29,914
Just like my daddy loved me.
And I know it hurts.

1038
01:21:30,124 --> 01:21:35,001
But maybe-maybe that's the
real meaning of being a superhero.

1039
01:21:35,335 --> 01:21:39,589
It's taking that pain and turning
it into something good.

1040
01:21:39,881 --> 01:21:42,342
Something right.

1041
01:21:42,342 --> 01:21:45,218
Remember what
you told me?

1042
01:21:45,218 --> 01:21:49,513
"This is your life.
You got to live it."

1043
01:21:50,097 --> 01:21:54,767
Now help me find some pliers.
I'm gonna make this guy eat his own dick.

1044
01:21:54,767 --> 01:21:55,643
Seriously?

1045
01:21:58,895 --> 01:22:00,438
- Hello?
- Marcus?

1046
01:22:00,438 --> 01:22:02,940
Mindy, what's going on?
Are you okay?

1047
01:22:02,940 --> 01:22:05,984
I'm fine. We know where
The Motherfucker's hiding.

1048
01:22:05,984 --> 01:22:09,028
He recruiting an army of supervillains
and making homemade bombs.

1049
01:22:09,028 --> 01:22:10,822
Marcus, he wants to
burn the city down.

1050
01:22:10,822 --> 01:22:15,032
- You promised me.
- I know you see me as this little girl.

1051
01:22:15,032 --> 01:22:17,785
But I'm not, and
I never was.

1052
01:22:17,785 --> 01:22:21,246
You're right. Daddy did
take my childhood away.

1053
01:22:21,246 --> 01:22:23,415
But I'm not so sure
that was a bad thing.

1054
01:22:23,415 --> 01:22:28,334
Marcus, he gave me a gift. A gift that
I can't escape no matter how hard I try.

1055
01:22:28,334 --> 01:22:32,755
Allow me to spend the next four years
of my life trying to figure out who I am.

1056
01:22:32,755 --> 01:22:35,550
Because I
already know.

1057
01:22:37,634 --> 01:22:38,385
I'm Hit-Girl.

1058
01:22:40,011 --> 01:22:43,889
(updating status)

1059
01:22:44,265 --> 01:22:48,976
Posted the address. You think
they'll show? Chris has an army.

1060
01:22:48,976 --> 01:22:53,814
These real-life superdweebs have been
waiting their whole lives for a call like this.

1061
01:23:03,447 --> 01:23:07,366
- You okay?
- Wha-Yeah. No, I'm-I'm fine.

1062
01:23:07,366 --> 01:23:10,744
Here, take this.

1063
01:23:11,076 --> 01:23:13,495
Last resort really
isn't my style.

1064
01:23:13,495 --> 01:23:16,206
Dave, this isn't
a comic book.

1065
01:23:16,206 --> 01:23:21,085
Real people are gonna die tonight.
My Daddy was prepared for anything.

1066
01:23:21,460 --> 01:23:23,671
Are you?

1067
01:23:28,175 --> 01:23:28,957
Yeah.

1068
01:23:31,092 --> 01:23:31,874
I am.

1069
01:23:40,809 --> 01:23:43,478
They should be
back by now.

1070
01:23:43,478 --> 01:23:47,607
It's definitely dead. It says on the internet,
you're supposed keep it on freshwater.

1071
01:23:47,607 --> 01:23:52,526
It is just hungry.
We must feed it.

1072
01:23:53,193 --> 01:23:54,944
Why are you
looking at me?

1073
01:23:54,944 --> 01:23:57,448
Oh, we gotta get
this shit started!

1074
01:23:58,991 --> 01:24:02,326
Have I got a show
for you, bitches!

1075
01:24:05,245 --> 01:24:06,246
(Motherfucker!)

1076
01:24:10,458 --> 01:24:15,503
Alright, party people!
We are gonna kill Kick-Ass,

1077
01:24:15,503 --> 01:24:19,256
the very first superhero.
Together.

1078
01:24:19,256 --> 01:24:24,510
We are gonna cut him up into little
pieces and feed that shit to MC Shark,

1079
01:24:24,510 --> 01:24:28,764
and post it all over YouTube.
For reals!

1080
01:24:29,807 --> 01:24:32,391
- He's kidding, right?
- Motherfucker don't kid.

1081
01:24:32,391 --> 01:24:38,730
That's not it. I'm gonna give each and
every one of you, party favor fertilizer bombs.

1082
01:24:38,730 --> 01:24:42,150
And we are gonna get our riot on!
That's what it means to be evil.

1083
01:24:42,150 --> 01:24:45,442
We, my friends, are
the real one percent.

1084
01:24:45,442 --> 01:24:49,196
And tonight we're gonna fuck
this city up, or my name is not---

1085
01:24:49,196 --> 01:24:52,616
Chris D'Amico!

1086
01:24:52,949 --> 01:24:55,408
That is not
my name!

1087
01:24:57,077 --> 01:24:59,162
No, you're right.

1088
01:24:59,162 --> 01:25:02,873
Your new name's
Little Bitch.

1089
01:25:05,251 --> 01:25:07,545
Oh, this
is perfect.

1090
01:25:07,794 --> 01:25:10,672
Are you really
that stupid?

1091
01:25:10,672 --> 01:25:16,092
There's two of you, and
a whole army of us.

1092
01:25:17,051 --> 01:25:20,680
Do you really have
such a hard-on to die?

1093
01:25:20,680 --> 01:25:24,808
No, that's why we
brought our friends.

1094
01:25:55,749 --> 01:25:59,251
What's the matter, Chris?
Shit hit your shorts?

1095
01:25:59,251 --> 01:26:03,880
Yeah. And I'm gonna wipe
my ass with your face.

1096
01:26:04,881 --> 01:26:08,509
You're gonna pay for what
you did to my dad.

1097
01:26:08,801 --> 01:26:10,385
Your dad?

1098
01:26:10,385 --> 01:26:13,887
You blew up my dad
with a bazooka!

1099
01:26:46,289 --> 01:26:48,624
Are you ready to
die, little girl?

1100
01:26:48,624 --> 01:26:53,419
I might be, if I have to keep looking
at that shit stain you call a face.

1101
01:27:59,575 --> 01:28:03,746
Hold him down! I want to see
what his guts look like.

1102
01:28:07,664 --> 01:28:11,126
That's enough
from you boys.

1103
01:28:13,128 --> 01:28:15,672
Nicely done,
sweetheart.

1104
01:28:23,969 --> 01:28:25,012
That all you got?

1105
01:28:25,012 --> 01:28:27,848
No, I got my lethal
Zero-G device.

1106
01:28:27,848 --> 01:28:30,141
Bullshit.

1107
01:28:30,807 --> 01:28:33,226
No shit.

1108
01:28:48,238 --> 01:28:49,865
Are you okay?

1109
01:28:51,157 --> 01:28:54,452
Yeah, thanks.
"Ass-kicker".

1110
01:28:56,412 --> 01:28:58,539
Nice.

1111
01:30:04,569 --> 01:30:07,239
Jesus, you're
such a pussy.

1112
01:30:07,239 --> 01:30:11,116
What is the point of wearing a mask
if you can't do what you want?

1113
01:30:16,662 --> 01:30:18,664
I wanted to
do good.

1114
01:30:18,956 --> 01:30:21,917
No, people want
to win the lottery.

1115
01:30:21,917 --> 01:30:25,335
People want, to fuck
Scarlett Johansson.

1116
01:30:35,302 --> 01:30:40,014
You think you can kill
me, with little needle?

1117
01:30:58,153 --> 01:31:01,155
That's not
what it's for.

1118
01:31:03,658 --> 01:31:06,578
It's called
adrenaline, bitch.

1119
01:31:06,995 --> 01:31:09,121
What was that?
A cheap shot?

1120
01:31:09,121 --> 01:31:12,164
That, was
for the colonel.

1121
01:31:17,628 --> 01:31:20,170
That's for
Night Bitch.

1122
01:31:26,676 --> 01:31:29,636
And that's
for my dad.

1123
01:31:59,118 --> 01:32:00,057
(speaking Russian)

1124
01:32:04,247 --> 01:32:08,710
- What the hell are you doing?
- Saving your whiny ass.

1125
01:32:08,710 --> 01:32:12,754
No, I won't let you foul this.
I'd rather die!

1126
01:32:12,754 --> 01:32:17,216
What is wrong with you, dude?
This is not a comic book, it's real-life!

1127
01:32:17,216 --> 01:32:20,719
When you're dead, it's done!
There's no sequel.

1128
01:32:20,719 --> 01:32:25,722
You made this real. You started
it! Now I'm gonna finish it.

1129
01:32:25,722 --> 01:32:30,101
I'll be immortal,
like an evil Jesus.

1130
01:32:39,525 --> 01:32:41,611
Wait!

1131
01:32:55,453 --> 01:32:58,665
Dave! I'm
so sorry.

1132
01:33:06,171 --> 01:33:08,964
The feeling was,
indescribable.

1133
01:33:08,964 --> 01:33:11,801
Chris D'Amico,
dead.

1134
01:33:12,259 --> 01:33:15,720
His wanna-be supervillains,
defeated.

1135
01:33:16,929 --> 01:33:20,516
But did we make the
world a better place?

1136
01:33:21,058 --> 01:33:26,646
Or did we just finish something that began,
when I first put on this mask?

1137
01:33:28,522 --> 01:33:31,107
The cops
are coming.

1138
01:33:31,107 --> 01:33:35,820
They'll take care of the bad guys.
We better skedaddle before they get here.

1139
01:33:36,945 --> 01:33:38,488
- We did it.
- Fuck, yeah.

1140
01:33:38,488 --> 01:33:40,739
Hey, language.

1141
01:33:40,739 --> 01:33:46,203
You're right. If we're gonna dress like
heroes, we should act like heroes.

1142
01:33:46,203 --> 01:33:48,496
He'd be proud
of you, Dave.

1143
01:33:49,246 --> 01:33:51,624
He'd be proud
of all of us.

1144
01:33:53,042 --> 01:33:56,002
You know we can never
do this again, right?

1145
01:33:57,963 --> 01:33:59,921
It's over.

1146
01:34:02,674 --> 01:34:05,635
One last time.

1147
01:34:08,680 --> 01:34:11,097
What do you say,
Hit-Girl?

1148
01:34:11,097 --> 01:34:11,973
You in?

1149
01:34:13,641 --> 01:34:14,641
Why the
hell not?

1150
01:34:17,644 --> 01:34:20,729
Justice Forever!

1151
01:34:32,280 --> 01:34:36,325
Thanks for the ride.
I'll see you at school.

1152
01:34:38,286 --> 01:34:41,078
I'm leaving New
York, Dave.

1153
01:34:41,078 --> 01:34:45,332
I can't go home. I can't put
Marcus in that position.

1154
01:34:45,332 --> 01:34:48,460
Why, he won't arrest you.
You've just saved the city.

1155
01:34:48,460 --> 01:34:50,963
Yeah, well, I also killed 6
guys with a cop's gun.

1156
01:34:50,963 --> 01:34:54,256
Vigilantes don't
get a free pass.

1157
01:34:54,256 --> 01:34:56,924
You can't go.

1158
01:34:56,924 --> 01:35:02,637
- People need you.
- They've got you now.

1159
01:35:03,263 --> 01:35:05,098
I'm not
like you.

1160
01:35:05,098 --> 01:35:09,310
You don't have to be a badass
to be a superhero, Dave.

1161
01:35:10,561 --> 01:35:13,479
You just have
to be brave.

1162
01:35:24,989 --> 01:35:27,240
What was that?

1163
01:35:28,783 --> 01:35:31,828
That was my
first kiss.

1164
01:35:32,620 --> 01:35:36,414
Be nice or I'll rip your ass
out through your mouth.

1165
01:35:43,046 --> 01:35:45,129
When Mindy left,

1166
01:35:45,129 --> 01:35:48,674
that's when I finally understood
where my life was going.

1167
01:35:49,675 --> 01:35:52,218
Just like it had to
eventually happen.

1168
01:35:52,218 --> 01:35:56,055
When real people try
to be superheroes,

1169
01:35:56,055 --> 01:35:59,390
eventually, it
had to end, too.

1170
01:36:15,112 --> 01:36:18,739
Superheroes can't exist in
the real world for a reason.

1171
01:36:19,031 --> 01:36:23,826
It's because the real world,
needs real heroes.

1172
01:36:23,826 --> 01:36:27,121
And not some punk in a
wetsuit playing dress-up.

1173
01:36:27,621 --> 01:36:30,207
But a genuine badass...

1174
01:36:30,207 --> 01:36:33,334
Who can really
kick ass.

1175
01:36:33,793 --> 01:36:35,096
.....

1176
01:42:19,149 --> 01:42:22,603
No! Please.

1177
01:42:22,603 --> 01:42:24,371
Don't go!

1178
01:42:24,371 --> 01:42:27,121
Don't go!

1179
01:42:27,376 --> 01:42:30,044
Is anybody there?

1180
01:42:32,334 --> 01:42:33,116
Hello?

1181
01:42:38,450 --> 01:42:40,573
Some help,
please!

1182
01:42:40,573 --> 01:42:44,778
A shark bit my fucking dick off,
and I can't get some water?