[ ROYAL BLOOD’S "FIGURE IT OUT" \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPLAYS ]
♪ NOTHING HERE TO SEE, \hJUST A KID LIKE ME ♪
♪ TRYING TO CUT SOME TEETH, \hTRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT ♪
♪ NOTHING BETTER TO DO WHEN I’M STUCK ON YOU ♪
\h\h♪ I’M STILL IN HERE, TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT ♪
♪ GETTING HARD TO SLEEP, \hBLOOD IS IN MY DREAMS ♪
\h\h♪ LOVE IS KILLING ME, TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT ♪
♪ NOTHING BETTER TO DO WHEN I’M STUCK ON YOU ♪
\h\h♪ I’M STILL IN HERE, TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT ♪
\h\h\h\h[ SHOUTING, LAUGHTER ] \h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ I’LL LET IT GO ’CAUSE I WON’T SEE YOU LATER ♪
♪ AND WE’RE NOT ALLOWED \h\h\hTO TALK IT OUT ♪
\h\h♪ I SAID I’D GO, PUT MYSELF ON SHOW ♪
\h\h\h\h\h♪ BUT I’M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT ♪
\h\h\h♪ I BROKE MY SHOE, TRIPPED AND FELL ON YOU ♪
♪ BUT YOU DIDN’T KNOW \hI PLANNED IT OUT ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ I SAID I’D GO, YEAH, I WON’T SEE YOU LATER ♪
♪ AND WE’RE NOT ALLOWED \h\hTO FIGURE IT OUT ♪
\h\hI MAY HAVE TO JERK IT BEFORE WE EVEN GET THERE.
NOT NEAR ME, PLEASE.
LET ME SEE.
\h\h\h\h\hWHO THROWS A PARTY WHEN HIS WIFE LEAVES HIM
ON THEIR HONEYMOON?
\h\h\h\hVINCE DOES. AND WHY WOULDN’T HE?
\h\h\hI HOPE THAT’S WHAT MY NEXT HONEYMOON’S LIKE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ I’LL LET IT GO, ’CAUSE I WON’T SEE YOU LATER ♪
♪ AND WE’RE NOT ALLOWED \h\h\hTO TALK IT OUT ♪
\h\h♪ I SAID I’D GO, PUT MYSELF ON SHOW ♪
\h\h\h\h\h♪ BUT I’M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ I’LL LET IT GO, ’CAUSE I WON’T SEE YOU LATER ♪
♪ AND WE’RE NOT ALLOWED \h\h\hTO TALK IT OUT ♪
VINCE.
YO. COME IN.
HEY.
YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE.
REALLY? AH, I DIDN’T \hTHINK THEY’D COME.
WHAT?
LET THEM WAIT.
\h\h\h\hI JUST GOT OUT OF A FAILED MARRIAGE.
YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE ME \h\h\h\h\h\h\hAT LEAST A FEW HOURS.
OKAY. A FEW.
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
HEY, BOYS!
HEY, BABY BRO!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWELCOME. WHAT’S UP?
\h\h\h\h\hI TOLD YOU GUYS YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO COME.
YEAH, WE WERE IN PARIS \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hANYWAY.
WE WANTED TO MAKE SURE \h\h\h\h\h\hTHERE WASN’T
A NATALIE WOOD-TYPE SITUATION \h\h\h\h\h\hYOU NEEDED COVERIN’ UP.
AW, I APPRECIATE IT. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHANKS.
E DID KINDA HESITATE WHEN WE ASKED HIM
\h\hIF HE WOULD HELP WITH THAT SORT OF THING.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJERK-OFF. WE THOUGHT YOU WERE ALONE! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI WAS.
WHERE’D YOU FIND ALL THE HOTTIES?
IT’S IBIZA, TURTLE. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hME.
COME ON.
I LIKE IBIZA, BRO.
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
\h\hRIGHT BACK. NOBODY LEAVES.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU. YOU CAN GO.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSO, WHAT HAPPENED? JUST WASN’T WORKIN’.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAFTER NINE DAYS? SOMETIMES YOU JUST KNOW.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWE ALL KNEW WHEN YOU WERE SAYIN’ "I DO."
\hI KNOW, I KNOW. I MADE A MISTAKE.
BUT IT’S NOT LIKE IT WAS THE SHORTEST MARRIAGE IN HOLLYWOOD HISTORY.
\h\h\h\h\h\hNO. BRITNEY SPEARS. TWO DAYS. I LOOKED IT UP.
THANK YOU, TURTLE.
\hALL RIGHT. SO, WHAT NOW?
EASY. WE’RE GONNA GET IT ANNULLED.
\h\h\hTRUST ME, IT’S ALL GOOD.
AND SHE AGREES?
SHE SAID IT FIRST.
I MEAN, WE’RE LYING THERE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER,
\h\h\h\hAND WE DIDN’T HAVE A THING TO SAY.
DOES?
AND I’M THINKIN’, "WHAT DID I DO?"
SAID IT.
AND THEN SHE JUST LEFT?
NO, WE HAD SEX FIRST, AGREED TO BE FRIENDS,
\hAND THEN WENT TO SLEEP, AND WHEN I WOKE UP, SHE WAS GONE.
SHE LEFT THIS NOTE.
WHAT’S IT SAY?
\h\h\hYOU’RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT.
\h"I READ THE SCRIPT FOR YOUR NEXT MOVIE.
YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS."
\h\hTHEY’RE DOING ANOTHER REWRITE.
YEAH, WELL, I READ IT AGAIN. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSHE’S RIGHT.
\h\h\h\h\h\hIT SUCKS. LET’S GET OUT OF IT.
THE MOVIE STARTS SHOOTING NEXT MONTH. I KNOW.
\hBUT I REALIZED THIS WHOLE RUSHING INTO MARRIAGE THING
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIS BECAUSE I’M SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING.
SOMETHING MEANINGFUL.
\hI REALLY NEED TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT THAN ANYTHING I’VE EVER DONE BEFORE.
\h\h\h\hYEAH, ME, TOO, BRO.
\h\h\h\h\hARI SAYS HE’S GOT SOMETHIN’.
ARI’S RETIRED.
ISN’T HE?
\h\h\h\h\hAri: FAX? FAX. FAX.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’M SORRY. I CAN’T PRINT, SCAN OR E-MAIL ’CAUSE THERE’S NO INTERNET-O.
[ Chuckling ] I NEED TO GET BACK TO CIVILIZATION.
\h\h\hHONEY, CAN YOU TAKE ANY LONGER TO PACK?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARI, DO NOT PUSH ME, OR I’LL CHANGE MY MIND AGAIN.
I WOULDN’T PUSH HER, DAD.
[ RINGTONE PLAYS ]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hVINNIE CHASE. Ari Gold!
VEGAS ODDS HAD YOUR RETIREMENT LASTING LONGER THAN MY MARRIAGE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, GOOD THING THAT I BET BIG AGAINST BOTH.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou okay? YEAH, I’M OKAY.
AND YOU?
HOW’D YOU GET THE WIFE TO LET YOU GO BACK TO WORK?
\h\h\h\h\h\hONCE SHE REALIZED THAT SHE COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MILAN \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTO GO.
ARI. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m not going \h\h\h\h\h\h\hback to work, Vinnie.
\hI AM GOING BACK TO BE THE KING OF HOLLYWOOD,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBUT I AGREED TO LIVE BY ALL OF MY QUEEN’S RULES.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hONE OF WHICH IS TO LEAVE MY NUTSAC IN THE MEDITERRANEAN.
MM-HMM. I HEARD THAT.
BUT WE’RE ALL GOOD.
GOOD.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI HEAR YOU GOT SOMETHING FOR ME.
Something big.
MY FIRST MOVIE AS STUDIO HEAD, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND BOOM!
\h\hI WANT YOU TO STAR IN IT.
OH, YEAH?
HOW BADLY?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
\h’CAUSE I DECIDED WHATEVER I DO NEXT,
I ALSO WANT TO DIRECT.
[ COUGHS ]
DOES HE EVEN KNOW \hHOW TO DIRECT?
ARI?
ARI.
[ JANE’S ADDICTION’S "SUPERHERO" PLAYS ]
ARI.
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ MY MIND HAD BEEN ENABLED ♪
♪ IN THE MEMORY YOU OVERFLOWED ♪
♪ WANT TO BE YOUR SUPERHERO ♪
♪ EVEN IF I TUMBLE FALL ♪
♪ I’M OKAY ♪
♪ BUT I NEED YOU DESPERATELY ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I NEED YOU \h\h\h\hDESPERATELY ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YOU WERE SMILING BY MY TABLE ♪
♪ HAD TO CALL UP EVERYONE \h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAT DAY ♪
♪ BEAUTIFUL MIND AND BODY ♪
♪ WHAT A HAPPY ENDING I SEE ♪
♪ I’M OKAY ♪
♪ YOU HAVE THAT EFFECT ON ME ♪
♪ BUT I NEED YOU DESPERATELY ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I NEED YOU \h\h\h\hDESPERATELY ♪
[ GUITAR SOLO ]
♪ I WANT TO BE YOUR SUPERHERO ♪
♪ YEAH, I WANT TO BE \h\hYOUR SUPERHERO ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
EVEN IF YOU’VE NEVER SEEN \hA VINCENT CHASE MOVIE,
\h\h\h\h\h\hCHANCES ARE YOU’VE HEARD THE NAME.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHE 34-YEAR-OLD HAS 15 STARRING ROLES ON HIS RéSUMé,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hINCLUDING JAMES CAMERON’S "AQUAMAN,"
ONCE THE ALL-TIME BOX-OFFICE CHAMP.
CHASE HAILS FROM MODEST ROOTS \h\h\h\hIN QUEENS, NEW YORK,
WHERE HE WAS RAISED BY A SINGLE MOTHER,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND SURROUNDED BY A GROUP OF LOYAL FRIENDS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFRIENDS WHO STILL SURROUND HIM TODAY.
WE CAUGHT UP WITH CHASE \h\h\hAND HIS ENTOURAGE
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hON THE SET OF HIS DIRECTORIAL DEBUT, "HYDE."
WHO’S HE CALLIN’ \h\hAN ENTOURAGE?
\h\h\h\hA MODERN-DAY RETELLING OF... \hNOT ME. I’M A RELATIVE.
\h\hROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON’S CLASSIC, "JEKYLL AND HYDE,"
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hA FILM THAT SOME IN THE INDUSTRY
ARE NOW WHISPERING WAS TOO EXPENSIVE
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTO BE PUT IN THE HANDS OF A FIRST-TIMER.
EH. \h\h\h\h\hSHUT UP.
[ BARKS ] \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIS THAT \h\hWHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING?
\h\h\hWELL, THIS IS A VERY BIG UNDERTAKING.
WELL, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hBIG.
\h\h\h\h\hTHOUGH THE SETS ARE BIG.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBIG. ENORMOUS, IN FACT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO EXPENSE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN SPARED
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIN TURNING THE STREETS OF HOLLYWOOD
\h\h\hINTO A FUTURISTIC LOS ANGELES NIGHTMARE.
\h\h\h\hWE WANTED TO SURROUND VINCE
WITH THE BEST PEOPLE IN THE BUSINESS
\hTO MAKE SURE HE WAS COVERED.
THAT’S "HYDE" PRODUCER \h\h\h\h\hERIC MURPHY,
CHASE’S LONGTIME MANAGER
\h\hAND BEST FRIEND SINCE KINDERGARTEN.
\h\h\h\hBUT WHAT EXACTLY WERE HIS QUALIFICATIONS
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHEN MR. CHASE ASKED HIM TO COME ON BOARD?
\h\h\hI WAS ACTUALLY MANAGING A SBARRO’S.
SBARRO’S?
\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH. THE PIZZA PLACE.
PIZZA PLACE, IN FACT.
\h\hNICE PIC. CHASE PLUCKED MURPHY AWAY
\h\h\h\hFROM A LIFE OF SPINNING PIES... \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI AM GONNA \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hKILL MY MOTHER.
...AND DECIDED HE WAS EQUIPPED \h\hTO HELP GUIDE HIM THROUGH
THE TREACHEROUS WATERS \h\h\h\hOF HOLLYWOOD.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWHAT DID EVERYBODY ELSE THINK?
[ CHUCKLES ]
WELL, MY AGENT AT THE TIME, HE WASN’T TOO HAPPY.
HIS AGENT AT THE TIME
\h\h\h\h\hWAS NONE OTHER THAN HOLLYWOOD POWERHOUSE ARI GOLD,
\h\hWHO HAS SINCE MOVED ON FROM THE AGENCY BUSINESS,
\h\h\h\h\h\hAND IS NOW THE HEAD OF THE STUDIO
THAT IS PRODUCING "HYDE."
\h\h\h\hYOU SEE IT WITH PRO ATHLETES.
YOU -- YOU SEE IT WITH MOVIE STARS.
THEY WANT TO SHARE THE RIDE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWITH THEIR FRIENDS.
\hIT MAKES IT FEEL MORE REAL FOR THEM.
AND WERE YOU OKAY \h\h\hWITH THIS?
NO, I WAS NOT OKAY WITH IT. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI HATED IT.
I MEAN, I FOUND THIS KID OFF A MENTOS COMMERCIAL.
REALLY? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH.
I WAS WATCHING TV \h\hWITH THE WIFE
\h\h\h\h\hAND I SAID, "THIS GUY’S A STAR."
♪ FRESH GOES BETTER \h\h\hWITH MENTOS ♪
♪ FRESH AND FULL OF LIFE ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\hAnnouncer: MENTOS. THE FRESHMAKER.
AND YOU WERE RIGHT. I’M THAT GOOD, PIERS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMorgan: IT WASN’T JUST MURPHY THAT GOLD WAS FORCED TO DEAL WITH.
\h\h\h\h\h\hTHERE WAS SAL "TURTLE" ASSANTE,
\h\h\h\hANOTHER FRIEND FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
WHO BECAME VINCE’S DRIVER.
\h\h\hI LIKE TO THINK I DID MORE THAN JUST DRIVE.
\h\h\h\hYEAH, HE DROVE, HE PARKED, HE WAITED.
[ Laughing ] YES! HE ALSO MADE A FORTUNE \hIN A TEQUILA COMPANY
THAT’S A GOOD LINE. \h\h\h\h\hWHEN CHASE HELPED HIM...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGAIN ACCESS TO BILLIONAIRE MARK CUBAN.
HOW MUCH DID HE MAKE?
\h\hHE WON’T SAY. IT’S SO ANNOYING.
AND THAT’S CHASE’S \hHALF-BROTHER...
WHY’S HE GOT TO SAY THAT?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI KNOW. HE SHOULD’VE SAID QUARTER.
...AND ACTOR, JOHNNY CHASE.
VICTORY!
YOU’VE PROBABLY SEEN HIM \h\h\h\h\h\hIN SOMETHING
BECAUSE, WELL, HE’S BEEN IN \h\h\hJUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"MELROSE PLACE," "PACIFIC BLUE," "LAW & ORDER,"
\h\h\h\hAND THE RECENTLY CANCELED ANIMATED SHOW "JOHNNY BANANAS."
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS, RONALD. I’M SO SCREWED.
AND TODAY, HE FEELS HE MAY HAVE CAUGHT THE BREAK OF A LIFETIME
AS HIS YOUNGER BROTHER CAST HIM IN WHAT HE DESCRIBES
AS A SMALL BUT PIVOTAL ROLE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIN "HYDE."
\h\h\hSO, YOU CAME TO HOLLYWOOD FIRST?
I WAS THE TRAILBLAZER.
AND THEN VINCE FOLLOWED?
WITH TURTLE.
THEY LIVED IN MY HOUSE RENT-FREE FOR THE FIRST YEAR.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBUT, AS I UNDERSTAND IT,
\h\hYOU NOW LIVE IN VINCE’S HOUSE?
I’M 40 YEARS OLD
AND COULD QUITE POSSIBLY GET AN OSCAR NOM THIS YEAR.
WHY THE [BLEEP] WOULD I LIVE AT MY BABY BROTHER’S HOUSE?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST \hCURSED AT PIERS MORGAN.
I CAN’T BELIEVE HE JUST SAID \hHE MIGHT GET AN OSCAR NOM.
I’M JUST STAYING THERE TILL MY ROOF GETS RESHINGLED.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSO I GOT THE PIZZA BOY, THE BROTHER FREDO, AND A TURTLE.
YET, SOMEHOW, THIS SORT OF WEIRD COLLECTION OF PEOPLE,
IT WORKED.
IT DID, AND THE TRUTH IS,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHEIR BLIND LOYALTY TO EACH OTHER IS KIND OF CHARMING.
SOME PEOPLE, ARI, SAY YOU HAVE THE SAME CHARACTER TRAITS.
I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF \hAS LOYAL, BUT NOT BLIND.
YET, MANY WERE SURPRISED WHEN YOU LET VINCE DIRECT THIS MOVIE.
\h\hMANY PEOPLE WERE SURPRISED
WHEN SOMEONE LET MEL GIBSON \h\h\h\h\h\h\hDIRECT "BRAVEHEART"
OR KEVIN COSTNER DIRECT \h\h"DANCES WITH WOLVES."
THEY BOTH WON OSCARS.
BUT THEY WEREN’T STUDIO HEADS HANDING EX-CLIENTS
DIRECTORIAL DEBUTS AT A TIME WHEN THE STUDIO SUFFERED
ITS WORST EVER \hFISCAL YEAR,
\h\h\h\h\hAND WITHOUT ANY TENTPOLE FRANCHISE
\h\h\h\h\hTO BOLSTER THE HEMORRHAGING LOSSES.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLISTEN, THE YEAR AIN’T OVER,
\h\h\h\h\hAND THIS IS A FRANCHISE PICTURE.
RIGHT, BUT YOU ARE \hWAY OVER BUDGET.
WHERE’D YOU HEAR THAT?
\h\h\hARI, YOUR NECK IS ON THE LINE HERE,
AND SO IS VINCENT CHASE’S -- YOU’VE GOT TO BE WORRIED.
I DON’T WORRY. \h\hI JUST WIN.
[ LAUGHS ]
I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE \h\h\h\h\h\hA FLUFF PIECE, PIERS.
NO. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO. OKAY, GREAT.
WELL, WHY DON’T -- WHY DON’T \h\hWE TURN THOSE CAMERAS OFF.
[ RINGTONE PLAYS ] \h\h\h\h\h\h\hIS IT HOT IN HERE?
NO, I’M GOOD.
I GOT ANG LEE FROM THE SET.
NIN HAO, NI ZING.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHEY -- [ TV SHUTS OFF ]
YOU OKAY?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ SIGHS ] I DON’T USUALLY WORRY, EITHER.
WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? THE MOVIE’S GONNA BE GREAT.
NO, I’M NOT WORRIED \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRIGHT NOW.
\h\h\hI’M WORRIED ABOUT TELLING ARI
THAT WE NEED MORE MONEY \hTO FINISH THE MOVIE.
WELL, ISN’T IT THE PRODUCER’S JOB TO TELL ARI THAT?
SERIOUSLY, E.
I WILL CALL HIM \h\h\hTOMORROW.
YOU SAID THAT YESTERDAY. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’LL CALL HIM.
FINE.
\h\h\h\h\h\hSO, SHOULD WE GO OUT TONIGHT?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDEFINITELY. OH, YEAH.
\h\h\hI’M HAVING A GREAT HAIR DAY.
NAH, I CAN’T. I HAVE PLANS.
WITH WHO? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU DON’T KNOW HER.
DOES YOUR SOON-TO-BE BABY MAMA KNOW HER? [ Chuckling ] YEAH.
DRAMA, SLOAN AND I HAVEN’T BEEN \h\hTOGETHER FOR LIKE SIX MONTHS.
\h\h\h\hYEAH, BUT YOU HAVEN’T BEEN WITH ANYONE ELSE EITHER.
\h\h\hOH, PLEASE, LIKE YOU’D KNOW.
\h\h\hCOME ON. WHO’S THE GIRL?
HER NAME’S MELANIE, \h\h\h\hALL RIGHT?
I’VE BEEN SEEING HER \h\h\h\hA FEW WEEKS.
A FEW WEEKS? \h\h\h\hJESUS CHRIST.
\hTHIS GUY SNUCK INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.
IT’S NOT A RELATIONSHIP. \h\h\h\hI’M JUST HAVING FUN.
FUN IS WHEN YOU FORGET \h\h\h\h\hA GIRL’S NAME
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHILE YOU’RE FUCKIN’ HER.
Turtle: NO WONDER WHY HE HAS NO TIME FOR BUSINESS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJESUS. GUYS, YOU KNOW, WE’RE ALMOST 35. HE’S ALMOST 60.
\h\h\hI DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER TO THIS SHIT.
FINE. DON’T.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, SHE MUST BE A PIG.
DEFINITELY.
[ SHOCKING BLUE’S "LOVE BUZZ" \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPLAYS ]
♪ WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME \h\h\hWHEN I TELL YOU ♪
\h\h\hMelanie: YOU’RE AMAZING.
\h\h\h\h\hEric: WELL, YOU’RE DOING ALL THE WORK.
YOU’RE DOING PLENTY.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
OH, MY GOD.
THIS COULD BE IT.
I’M SORRY. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIT’S OKAY.
I GOT TO TAKE THIS.
HELLO?
\h\h\h\hPLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE NOT STILL SLEEPING.
\hI’VE ALREADY RUN FIVE MILES
\h\h\h\h\hAND FUCKED LIKE AN ADULT-FILM STAR.
I’M ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hASSHOLE.
\h\h\hI THOUGHT YOU WERE SLOAN.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, YOU WERE IN MY DREAM LAST NIGHT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, WELL, I HOPE I WASN’T NAKED.
Nope, your baby mama gave birth to Pete Dinklage.
You’re not related to him, \h\h\h\h\h\hare you? WHO IS THAT?
YOU GOT A GIRL THERE, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hE?
What do you want, \h\h\h\h\h\hAri?
BIG TITTIES? \hTIGHT ASS?
\h\h\h\hGIVE ME SOMETHING I CAN USE IN THE OFFICE.
\h\hI CAN HEAR YOU. YOU’RE DISGUSTING.
AND I HAVE BOTH.
How do you do it, E?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI KNOW IT’S NOT YOUR LOOKS OR YOUR PERSONALITY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARI. Just one pic.
COME ON. MY WIFE DIDN’T REALLY FUCK ME THIS MORNING.
She gets headaches. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARI!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHEY, THIERRY. HEY.
YOU GONNA COACH MY SON’S TEAM?
I DON’T HAVE TIME \hFOR THAT SHIT.
I LOVE THE HONESTY.
\h\h\h\h\hE, WHEN AM I GONNA SEE THIS MOVIE?
YOU KNOW, I WAS GONNA CALL YOU TODAY TO TALK ABOUT THAT.
I don’t want to talk.
I WANT TO WATCH A FILM.
WELL, IT’S NOT READY.
WHEN WILL IT BE READY?
’CAUSE IMPORTANT PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO WONDER.
IMPORTANT PEOPLE \h\h\hMEANING ME.
\hDID I TELL YOU THE JEWISH JOURNAL
JUST NAMED ME "BEST-LOOKING CIRCUMCISED STUDIO HEAD"?
\hYEAH, WELL, VINCE STILL HASN’T FINISHED HIS CUT.
YOU’VE BEEN SAYING THAT \h\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR A MONTH.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
DO YOU HAVE TIME FOR LUNCH TODAY?
\h\h\hNO, I-I CAN’T. I GOT THE -- I GOT THE DOCTOR.
OH, THAT’S RIGHT. \h\h\hWITH SLOAN.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLOOK, I KNOW THIS IS WEIRD --
Eric!
YEAH, UH, LISTEN --
How about if, uh, Vince and I come in and see you today?
SEE ME? WHY?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSomething wrong? NO, IT’S ALL GOOD.
WE’RE JUST GONNA COME BY THE OFFICE THIS MORNING. YOU FREE?
\h\hFOR WHAT? WHAT’S WRONG?
UH, WE NEED MORE MONEY. BYE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDON’T HANG -- DID YOU HANG UP ON ME?!
E, YOU FUCKIN’ \h\hDWARF CUNT!
WHAT’S A DWARF CUNT, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDAD?
\h\h\hOH, I’M SORRY. IT’S NOTHING, BUDDY.
IT’S A NEW MOVIE IDEA I HAD.
DON’T USE THAT WORD \h\h\h\hAT SCHOOL.
\h\h\hYOU WERE JUST ON A RUN. HOW COULD YOU BE SO ANGRY?
WORK IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU THIS ANGRY ANYMORE, ARI.
YEAH, DAD.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
THAT WAS OUR AGREEMENT.
YES. I KNOW.
DO WE NEED TO MAKE A THERAPY \h\h\h\hSESSION WITH DR. MARCUS?
NO.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI THINK THAT WOULD BE BEST.
MAYBE.
\h\hTurtle: COME ON. WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED TO SHOW ARI THE MOVIE?
\h\h\h\hVince: I’M NOT SCARED.
Drama: YOU SHOULD AT LEAST \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSCENES.
IT’S JUST NOT \hREADY YET,
\h\h\h\hWHICH IS WHY I NEED E TO TELL HIM
THAT HE CAN’T SEE IT TILL AFTER THE SCREENING.
\h\hYOU REALLY WON’T TELL HIM?
\h\h\hI TOLD HIM ABOUT THE MONEY.
THE ONLY THING HE’S GONNA DO \h\h\h\h\h\hIS SCREAM AT ME.
\h\h\hOH, FINE. I’LL TELL HIM.
PUSSY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hUH, SPEAKING OF WHICH,
WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE GIRLS I GOT LINED UP FOR TONIGHT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI TOLD YOU I WAS HANDLIN’ THE GIRLS.
I KNOW, BUT I WOULD \h\h\hLIKE TO AVOID
SOME OF THE NURSING-HOME REJECTS FROM THE LAST PARTY.
I THOUGHT THE SCREENING \h\hWAS TO GET OPINIONS
\h\hON THE MOVIE, NOT TO GET LAID.
EVERYTHING WE DO \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGET LAID, E.
YOU KNOW THAT.
FUCK ME.
EMILY RATAJKOWSKI.
I LOVE HER.
\hI KNOW HER. WHY WOULDN’T YOU?
Emily: HEY, VINCE.
\hHEY, EMILY. HOW ARE YOU?
IT’S SO FUNNY \h\hTO SEE YOU.
I JUST GOT AN INVITATION \h\h\h\h\hFOR YOUR SCREENING.
REALLY? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH.
ONE OF MINE, OBVIOUSLY.
WHOSEVER. THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT FUCKING SCREENING.
MM-HMM.
VINCE.
UH, HEY, UH, EMILY,
\h\hI-I GOT TO RUN INTO THIS MEETING.
I-I’LL CALL YOU LATER?
YEAH. CALL ME.
♪ ...SMOOTH SAILING FROM HERE ON OUT ♪
YOU’RE UPSET.
"UPSET"?
HE MEANS ANGRY.
THIS IS THE THIRD TIME
THAT YOU’VE COME TO ME \h\h\h\hFOR MORE MONEY.
ARI, LISTEN -- \h\hI WAS TALKING \hTO VINCE, ERIC!
SEE, I KNOW THEY DIDN’T TEACH YOU ABOUT BUDGETS
IN SPAGHETTI-AND-MEATBALLS \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCLASS.
VINNIE HAS BEEN ON SETS \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBEFORE,
SO I EXPECTED MORE \h\h\h\h\hFROM HIM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI TOLD YOU HE WAS GONNA YELL AT ME.
YEAH, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hME.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHAT’D YOU SPEND THE MONEY ON, ANYWAY?
\h\hI MEAN, I KNOW IT WASN’T ON TURTLE AND CRAFT SERVICES.
\hYOU LIKE THE NEW SVELTE FRAME, HUH?
\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU LOOK LIKE KAREN FUCKIN’ CARPENTER.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ LAUGHS ] WHAT DID I TELL YOU
WHEN I GAVE YOU \h$100 MILLION?
YOU?
\h\hYOU AGREED TO NOT GO OVER.
WE TOLD YOU IT WASN’T ENOUGH.
BUT YOU AGREED TO NOT GO OVER.
BECAUSE YOU SAID I COULDN’T DIRECT UNLESS WE AGREED.
\h\h\hIT’S LIKE WHEN A GIRL ASKS IF YOU WANT TO BANG HER HOT SISTER.
\hOF COURSE YOU SAY NO.
NEITHER OF YOU REALLY BELIEVES \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU MEAN IT, THOUGH.
WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?
THIS IS BAD.
WHEN YOU SEE THE MOVIE, \h\h\h\hYOU WON’T THINK SO.
SEEN IT?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHE’S SEEN A COUPLE OF SCENES.
THEY ARE POWERFUL.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, A FEW IN PARTICULAR.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGONNA SEE IT? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hEric: WELL, WE’RE GONNA HAVE
A FRIENDS-AND-FAMILY \hSCREENING TONIGHT.
\hWE’RE GONNA GET SOME FEEDBACK, AND THEN WE’LL SHOW YOU THE CUT.
\h\h\h\hYOU’RE GONNA LET EVERYONE SEE THE FUCKIN’ MOVIE BUT ME.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARI, YOU ARE ALL THAT MATTERS.
I WANT IT TO BE PERFECT WHEN I SHOW IT TO YOU.
\h\h\hI CAN’T JUST WRITE YOU A CHECK.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI GOT TO DEAL WITH THESE CO-FINANCIERS IN TEXAS.
\h\h\h\hDO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I HAVE WORKED TO AVOID GOING TO TEXAS?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO \h\h\h\h\h\hTO JEWS IN TEXAS?
\hLOOK, ARI, I DIDN’T TAKE AN ACTING FEE ON THIS,
WHICH YOU KNOW IS MORE THAN THE $10 MILLION OVER BUDGET WE ARE.
YOU’RE 15 OVER.
REALLY?
OKAY, WELL, I DIDN’T TAKE THE FEE BECAUSE I WANTED TO DIRECT.
NOW, WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 15 YEARS, SO YOU GOT TO TRUST ME.
\h\hI DIDN’T WASTE ONE SINGLE NICKEL.
I’VE BEEN KILLING MYSELF TO MAKE THIS MOVIE GREAT,
AND I’M NOT GONNA STOP WORKING UNTIL IT IS PERFECT.
\hI NEED THE MONEY TO MAKE IT PERFECT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSO... CAN YOU GET IT FOR ME?
[ BABY CRYING, MOTHER SHUSHING ]
HEY. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHEY.
SORRY I’M LATE.
NO, YOU’RE NOT LATE.
YOU’RE ON TIME, \h\hAS ALWAYS.
HOW YOU FEELIN’?
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ] \h\h\h\h\h\h\hBIG.
\h\h\h\h\hWELL, YOU LOOK GREAT.
THANKS.
DID YOU GET MY E-MAIL ABOUT MY COUSIN SEAN?
HE HAD HIS BABY. NO, WHAT DID HE HAVE?
A GIRL. LAURIE. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH.
I SENT YOU A PICTURE.
\hI THINK YOUR E-MAILS ARE GOING TO MY SPAM.
IT’S NOT INTENTIONAL.
\h\h\h\hLOOK. THERE SHE IS.
OH, MY GOD.
SHE’S BEAUTIFUL!
LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]
SOMEONE NAMED MELANIE \h\h\hWANTS YOUR COCK.
HUH? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMM.
YEAH, IT JUST CAME UP \h\h\h\hON THE SCREEN.
"I WANT YOUR COCK." \h\h\hFROM MELANIE.
[ SIGHS ]
WOW, THAT’S, UH...
CLASSY.
[ SCOFFS ] SORRY.
IT’S NOT MY BUSINESS.
Nurse: SLOAN? \h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH. COMING.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOKAY, LET ME HELP YOU UP.
I WILL, UH, BE RIGHT HERE WHEN YOU GET OUT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOKAY. AND I’LL BE IN THERE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOKAY. THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT.
\h\h\h\h\hHEY, TIP. HOW YOU DOIN’, MAN?
MAN, I’M DOING JUST FINE \h\h\h\hIF I’M GONNA HAVE \hMORE KIDS THAN ALBUMS.
I’M DOIN’ JUST DAMN FINE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ CELLPHONE RINGS ] \h\h\h\hYOU NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
DON’T TELL ME TO SHUT THE FUCK \hUP. YOU SHUT YOUR OVARIES UP.
OH, \h\h\h\hFAULT.
I’M GONNA TAKE THIS. \hI’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
\hYEAH, MAN. CALL SOMEBODY WHO CAN KICK ME IN MY NUTS.
I NEED A VASECTOMY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHEY. MELANIE: Hey.
Bad time?
NO, BUT YOU CAN’T TEXT ME \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSHIT LIKE THAT.
SHIT LIKE WHAT?
YOU BEG ME TO TEXT YOU SEXY STUFF ALL DAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI KNOW, BUT SLOAN WAS LOOKIN’ AT MY PHONE.
OH. I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU WERE AT THE DOCTOR’S ALREADY.
AND WHY’S SHE LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE? AH, YOU KNOW.
\h\hI WAS SHOWIN’ HER A PICTURE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOF MY COUSIN’S BABY. Great.
\h\h\hYEAH, SHE MUST REALLY THINK I’M A WHORE.
No, she doesn’t.
GOD, I ONLY SENT THAT BECAUSE I WAS FEELING INSECURE.
\hI didn’t think she or anyone else was gonna see it.
I KNOW, I’M SORRY.
THIS IS REALLY WEIRD, ERIC.
\h\hYOU WERE RIGHT. THIS IS TOO WEIRD.
\hCOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS AT THE SCREENING TONIGHT?
No, Eric. I-I really don’t want to get in any deeper.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI THINK YOU’RE A GREAT GUY.
I REALLY DO.
AND I PROMISE I’M NOT MAD.
JUST RESPECT ME, \h\h\h\h\hPLEASE.
DON’T CALL.
LOOK, ALL WE’RE SAYING IS \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWE DON’T GET
WHY YOU HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE \h\h\hWITH EVERY GIRL YOU FUCK.
\h\h\h\hSAYING IS THAT, UNLIKE YOU,
\h\h\hI LIKE TO HAVE MORE OF A CONNECTION
\hTHAN WHETHER OR NOT I HAVE EXACT CHANGE.
PFFT. PLEASE. I HAVEN’T PAID \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR PUSSY IN YEARS.
AT LEAST A YEAR.
THE POINT IS THE GIRL SAID NOT TO CALL HER ANYMORE.
SO RESPECT THAT \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, BUT HOPE SHE DOESN’T.
YOU GOT ENOUGH COMPLICATIONS \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRIGHT NOW.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRIGHT. HOW’S SLOAN, ANYWAY?
\h\h\h\h\hDOCTOR SAYS SHE’S GONNA POP ANY SECOND.
\h\h\h\hONE VAGINA CLOSES JUST AS ANOTHER OPENS.
YOU’RE DISGUSTING.
YEAH, AND YOU’RE A MOPE, E, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHICH WE CAN’T HAVE.
\h\h\hSERIOUSLY, THIS IS A BIG NIGHT FOR VINCE,
SO TRY NOT TO RUIN IT.
DON’T WORRY. HIS MOPING HAS NEVER AFFECTED ME.
I’M NOT MOPING. NO, YOU’RE MOPING, E.
\h\h\h\hAND YOU NEED TO GET ON TOP OF SOMETHIN’ FAST SO YOU STOP.
I HAD SEX LESS THAN SIX HOURS \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAGO, DRAMA.
I THINK I’LL BE OKAY.
YOU’RE FUCKIN’ SOMETHIN’ \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTONIGHT.
\h\h\h\hFOR BABY BRO, IF NOT FOR YOURSELF.
HOLY SHIT!
WHAT?
RONDA ROUSEY, THE FIGHTER.
\h\h\h\h\hSO WHAT? SO I LOVE HER! GET IN THE CAR!
[ ENGINE REVS ]
[ HORN BLARES ]
JESUS, TURTLE! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSORRY!
DO YOU EVEN KNOW HER?
\h\hYES. WE MET AT COACHELLA A FEW YEARS AGO, REMEMBER?
Vince: OH, YEAH. THINK WE HAD A CONNECTION.
PLEASE. HE’S GOT A BETTER CHANCE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hME. ME.
SHOULD I ABANDON THIS?
\hDO YOU REALLY THINK YOU HAD A CONNECTION?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH. THEN GO.
YOU’RE GOOD PEOPLES, VIN.
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]
YO, STOP FOLLOWING ME, MOTHERFUCKER!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO! NO! \h\hWE KNOW EACH OTHER! Eric: GEEZ.
I JUST WANTED TO INVITE YOU \h\h\h\h\hTO MY BOY’S SCREENING.
OH. HEY, VINCE.
HI.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hUH, SORRY ABOUT YOUR CAR.
IT’S ALL GOOD.
DO YOU REMEMBER ME?
OH, YEAH, BUT DIDN’T YOU USED TO BE REALLY FAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ JOHNNY CASH’S "GHOST RIDERS \h\h\h\h\hIN THE SKY" PLAYS ]
♪ AN OLD COWBOY WENT RIDIN’ OUT \h\h\hONE DARK AND WINDY DAY ♪
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
\h♪ UPON A RIDGE, HE RESTED AS HE WENT ALONG HIS WAY ♪
LLOYD, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU I DON’T VIDEO CHAT WITH MEN?
YOU KNOW HOW COMFORTING YOUR FACE IS TO ME, ARI. WHAT DO YOU NEED?
Well, I was wondering if I would be seeing you at Vince’s screening.
WERE INVITED?
\h\hDrama wants me to see his scenes.
You weren’t?
\h\h\hI’M IN TEXAS. SMELL THE COW SHIT?
[ COWS LOWING ]
\h\h\h\h\h\hOh. That’s too bad.
\h\hI actually wanted to see you face to face.
FACE TO FACE, \hYOKO.
IN THREE DIMENSIONS.
WHY?
\h\h\h\h\h\hEh-- No. It’s nothing.
COULD WE HAVE LUNCH \h\h\h\hTHIS WEEK?
\hI DON’T TYPICALLY HAVE LUNCH WITH MY EX-ASSISTANTS, LLOYD.
NOT UNLESS I NEED SOMETHING \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFROM THEM,
WHICH I CAN’T EVER IMAGINE \h\hBEING THE CASE WITH YOU,
SO WHAT’S UP?
I’m getting married!
OH, GOD.
And I want you to give me away. OH, GOD!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPlease, don’t make a gay joke.
\h\h\hI WASN’T GOING TO. I WAS GONNA MAKE A MARRIAGE JOKE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNOW THAT YOU’VE BEEN GRANTED THOSE RIGHTS,
\h\h\h\hGOOD LUCK WITH THE DIVORCE.
THAT’LL REALLY MAKE YOU WISH \hFOR A GOOD OLD ASS FUCKING.
Ari.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE ]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI GOT TO GO. Wait! Ari!
Will you give me away?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBYE. [ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
[ CAR DOOR OPENS ]
HEY, LARSEN.
SAY, ARI.
THIS IS MY SON, \h\h\h\hTRAVIS.
HE’S GONNA SIT IN WITH US, IF YOU DON’T MIND.
GOOD.
[ HORSES WHINNY ]
ARI, WE SURE DO APPRECIATE YOU \hCOMIN’ OUT HERE ALL THIS WAY.
OH, OF COURSE.
YOU’VE BEEN ON THE JOB \hNEARLY EIGHT MONTHS,
\h\h\hAND YOU HADN’T PAID US A VISIT YET.
\hWE’RE BEGINNIN’ TO FEEL UNLOVED.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ CHUCKLES ] WELL, I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS INVITED.
OH, ANYBODY WHO SPENDS MY MONEY \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLIKE YOU DO,
ALWAYS INVITED TO MY HOME \h\h\h\h\hTO TELL ME WHY.
SAW YOU ON "PIERS MORGAN" \h\h\h\h\h\h\hLAST NIGHT.
OH, YEAH?
WHAT’D YOU THINK?
\h\h\h\h\hI THOUGHT YOU LOOKED NERVOUS.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WELL, I WASN’T.
TRAVIS, HERE, HE’S GOT A REAL GOOD EYE FOR THINGS LIKE THAT,
AND H-HE SAID YOU LOOKED LIKE ONE OF THEM GUYS THAT, UH --
\h\h\h\hW-WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID AGAIN, TRAVIS?
\h\hU-UH, LIKE -- LIKE ONE OF THOSE GUYS FROM BIG TOBACCO
WHEN THEY WERE UP THERE \h\h\h\hLYIN’ TO CONGRESS.
AH. [ LAUGHS ] \h\h\h\hWELL...
\h\h\h\h\hWELL, MY WIFE THOUGHT I LOOKED SEXY.
ARI, AM I GONNA LOSE A SHIT TON OF MONEY ON THIS MOVIE?
NO. YOUR MONEY’S \hIN GREAT HANDS.
\h\hBUT YOU STILL WANT MORE OF IT.
\hJUST A LITTLE BIT FOR SOME VISUAL EFFECTS THAT IT NEEDS.
\h\h\h\hI DON’T CARE ABOUT VISUAL EFFECTS.
\h\h\h\h\hWELL, IF YOU WANT TO PROTECT YOUR INVESTMENT,
YOU NEED TO CARE.
HM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU KNOW, IN THE LAST FOUR YEARS,
\h\h\h\h\h\hI’VE INVESTED NEARLY A BILLION DOLLARS
IN YOUR STUDIO’S MOVIES.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY I’VE SEEN? MNH-MNH.
NOT A GODDAMN ONE. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHM.
BUT THIS ONE HERE, I GOT TO TELL YOU,
WITH YOUR -- YOUR MOVIE-STAR GUY IN CHARGE AND EVERYTHING,
I-I’M DAMN CURIOUS.
I UNDERSTAND.
ARI, WE’RE GONNA NEED TO SEE THIS THING
BEFORE I WRITE ANOTHER CHECK.
LARSEN, MY DIRECTOR --
\h\h\h\h\hYOUR -- YOUR MOVIE STAR?
\h\hVINCE DOESN’T WANT TO SHOW THE MOVIE TILL IT’S PERFECT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHE’S AN ARTIST. I’D LIKE TO RESPECT THAT.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE HAS A $12,000 CHIHUAHUA.
THREE YEARS RUNNIN’, IT GOT "BEST IN SHOW."
\hTHE LAST JUDGE SAID THAT HE HAD
THE BEST COCK AND BALLS HE’D EVER SEEN.
BUT HE AIN’T PERFECT.
\h\h\h\hYOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT?
HE KEEPS PISSIN’ \h\hON MY BOOTS.
I-I DON’T FOLLOW.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI MEAN THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT.
\hNOW, SEE, FOR YOU, I KNOW THIS MOVIE’S ENORMOUS.
IF IT FAILS,
YOU GO DOWN IN FLAMES HINDENBERG.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTO ME, THIS IS JUST ANOTHER CHECK.
IT WON’T FAIL.
I HAVE TO GO TO DUBAI TONIGHT ON, UH, MORE PRESSIN’ BUSINESS.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE TRAVIS HERE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTO LA-LA LAND WITH YOU
\h\h\hAND SHOW HIM THE GODDAMN MOVIE.
IT’S NOT READY.
WELL, GET IT READY.
’CAUSE THIS OIL SPIGOT IS SHUT OFF TILL YOU DO.
[ SLUM VILLAGE’S "TAINTED" \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPLAYS ]
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME IF I’M TAKING P.E.D.s?
YEAH, AND I’M NOT SAYING \h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’M AGAINST IT.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW \h\h\h\hIF YOU DO,
BECAUSE I WANT TO GET SHREDDED \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR THE "HYDE" JUNKET.
NO P.E.D.s. I’M ALL NATURAL. PROVE IT.
HOW? \h\h\h\h\h\h\hTAKE A PISS TEST.
FINE, BUT IF I PASS, \h\h\h\hYOU DRINK IT.
\hGUYS, DID YOU KNOW EMILY WAS SEEING ARMIE HAMMER?
THE LONE RANGER? I THOUGHT THEY BROKE UP.
\h\h\h\h\hI GUESS THEY STILL TALK.
I PLAYED SOFTBALL \h\hWITH THE GUY.
\h\hHE’S OUT OF HIS MIND. I’D LEAVE IT ALONE, BRO.
REALLY? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH.
I’M GONNA TRY TO.
WHY DOES IT \hLOOK LIKE
THERE’S ENOUGH FOOD HERE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR 300?
\h\hI DON’T KNOW, ’CAUSE THERE’S SUPPOSED TO BE ENOUGH FOR 500.
500?! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, AND RONDA.
\h\h\h\hLOOK, VINCE, THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
\h\hAN INTIMATE THING SO WE COULD GET SOME FEEDBACK.
RELAX. TURTLE THOUGHT WE’D DO \h\hBETTER WITH A BIG CROWD.
DON’T WORRY, I GOT EVERYONE \h\hWALKIN’ THROUGH THAT DOOR
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSIGNING AN NDA, SO THEY CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT.
AND WHERE ARE YOU GONNA SIT \h500 PEOPLE? ON THE COUCH?
DON’T BE RIDICULOUS.
THERE’S A WHOLE BEACH \h\h\h\h\h\hOUT THERE.
CHECK IT OUT.
JESUS.
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
IT’S ARI.
HELLO?
\h\h\h\hWHEN EXACTLY IS THIS SCREENING OF YOURS?
WHEN IT GETS DARK. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHY?
’CAUSE I’M COMING WITH YOUR MONEY,
AND THERE AIN’T NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
♪ SHE ’BOUT TO GO IN ♪
♪ SHE LIKES THAT LOW END ♪
[ SHOUTING, LAUGHTER ]
♪ DAMN, HER ASS IS SO BIG ♪
♪ JUST KEEP IT BUMPIN’ ♪
♪ PEACHES ’N’ CREAM ♪ \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHAT’S UP, SAI?
AMAZING RAPPER \h\hRIGHT HERE. \h♪ UH-OH, THERE SHE GOES ♪
♪ THAT’S THAT LOOK \hALL ON HER FACE ♪ \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHOW ARE YOU?
♪ SHORTY DANCING LIKE SHE KNOWS ♪
♪ SHE’S THE BADDEST \h\hIN THE PLACE ♪
\h\h\h\hI DON’T RIDE A BIKE. I DO THE SANTA MONICA STEPS.
SICK, BRO. \h\h\hSICK.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ FREAK, DON’T FAIL ME NOW, HEY ♪
\h\h\h\h♪ SO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO? ♪ GO AHEAD, RUSS!
♪ GOT HER FREAK-UM DRESS ON ♪
THE STORY OF JEKYLL AND HYDE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hREPRESENTS
A CONCEPT IN VICTORIAN CULTURE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOF THE INNER CONFLICT
OF HUMANITY’S SENSE \hOF GOOD AND EVIL.
I HAVE NO UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT YOU’RE SAYING, BRO.
\h\h\h\h\h\hOF COURSE I REMEMBER YOU GUYS.
YOU WENT TO MIDDLE SCHOOL WITH MY DAUGHTER.
\hWE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE SO FUNNY.
AND SO CUTE. [ CHUCKLES ]
♪ SHORTY, WHAT YOU THINK \h\h\h\hABOUT MY RETURN ♪
LET’S GO.
[ GRUNTING ]
YOU TIRED YET, \h\h\h\hTURTLE?
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
HEY, VINCE. BUDDY. \h\hI NEED A FAVOR. \hYEAH.
I NEED YOU TO FUCK MY DAUGHTER’S FRIENDS SO I DON’T HAVE TO.
\h\h\h\hIN ENGLISH LITERATURE, THERE’S A GUY NAMED JEKYLL
\hAND A GUY NAMED HYDE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND YOU HAVE THAT SAME THING IN YOU.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
I’M GONNA SHOW YOU SOME OF MY FOOTAGE.
YOU’RE GONNA FLIP OUT.
\h\h\h\h\hYOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT ME IN "IRON MAN 3."
SURE. WELL, WE DID THR-- FOUR WOULD BE NEXT. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"IRON MAN 4."
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDOWNEY’S GREAT. DON’T GET ME WRONG. I LOVE DOWNEY.
HE’S JUST A LITTLE LONG IN THE TOOTH.
RIGHT. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI THINK YOU WANT \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTO GO YOUNGER, MAN.
IF I RECALL, YOU’RE FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN HIM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU KNOW, FUCK YOU, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFAVREAU. WHAT --
NAH. YOU FUCKED ME \h\hON "SWINGERS."
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU FUCKED M-- YOU’RE ALWAYS FUCKING ME.
I OFFERED YOU "SWINGERS."
\hYOU COULDN’T DO IT BECAUSE OF "VIKING QUEST."
\h\hYOU COULDA SHOT AROUND ME!
JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE SHORT
DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS, E.
NO, I-I KNOW THAT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDO YOU THINK I’D HAVE A SUPER BOWL RING
\h\hIF I LISTENED TO EVERYBODY WHO TOLD ME I WAS TOO SHORT?
RIGHT.
WE’RE THINKING OF HONEYMOONING \h\h\hIN MOSCOW OR THE UKRAINE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWE KNOW IT’S NOT TRADITIONAL.
\h\hTRADITIONAL? FUCK TRADITIONAL.
DON’T THEY SHOOT GUYS LIKE YOU OVER THERE?
THAT’S UGANDA.
\h\h\h\hGO TO HAWAII. DO YOURSELF A FUCKIN’ FAVOR.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
\h\h\h\h\h\hMOLLY. ANYONE WANT MOLLY?
\h\h\hMOLLY. MOLLY. ANYONE WANT MOLLY?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI THOUGHT YOU DON’T DO DRUGS ANYMORE, BILLY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDRUGS ANYMORE, DRAMA.
GIVE ME TWO.
\h\h\hI’M SURE ARI HAS SEEN AN UNFINISHED FILM BEFORE.
DIRECTED.
YOU’RE REALLY NERVOUS, HUH? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIT’S CUTE.
WHAT, YOU NEVER GET NERVOUS BEFORE A PHOTO SHOOT?
\h\h\hNO, I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE.
EVERYONE MAKE SURE YOU FILL OUT \h\hA NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT
OR YOU CANNOT STAY FOR THE SCREENING.
OH, E, THIS HOUSE IS SICK. \h\h\h\hWHEN DID VINCE BUY IT?
IT’S NOT VINCE’S. \hIT’S TURTLE’S.
\h\h\hYOU’RE KIDDING. HOW MUCH DOES THIS FUCKING GUY MAKE?
EXCUSE ME, MISS. YOU CAN’T USE A PENCIL WHEN YOU’RE FILLING OUT THE NDA.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTurtle: SO, THAT’S A TRUE STORY?
YOU BEAT UP FOUR GUYS FOR GETTIN’ LOUD AT A MOVIE THEATER?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, THE PRESS EXAGGERATED.
I JUST BROKE ONE GUY’S JAW \h\h\hAND ANOTHER GUY’S NOSE.
\h\h\h\h\hAND THE THIRD GUY -- THERE WASN’T REALLY FOUR.
THE THIRD GUY, I JUST THREW OVER MY SHOULDER, AND HE RAN OFF.
A BOYFRIEND WITH YOU OR ANYTHING? AND WHAT’D HE DO?
NO, I HAVEN’T HAD A BOYFRIEND \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIN LIKE TWO YEARS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTOO FOCUSED \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hON MY CAREER. OH.
\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU’RE IN FOUR FUCKING SCENES,
\h\h\h\h\h\hAND YOU EXPECT ME TO GET YOU A MAGAZINE COVER?
SCARLETT JO WASN’T EVEN \h\h\h\hON CAMERA IN "HER."
SHE GOT A COVER.
YEAH, WELL, IF YOU HAD HER TITS, I CAN GET YOU A COVER.
I GOT A COUPLE COVERS \hCOMIN’ OUT, DRAMA.
EVEN A FEW I TURNED DOWN.
\h\h\h\hWHAT THE FUCK YOU MAKIN’ OVER HERE?
LITTLE POTION FOR E.
\h\h\h\h\h\hMOLLY, WATER, AND A TOUCH OF VIAGRA.
WHAT DID I DO WRONG \h\h\hWITH MY LIFE?
\hTHIS IS A NORMAL TUESDAY AFTERNOON?
YOU GOT TO SEE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPARTIES.
\h\h\h\h\h\hARI! YOU GOT INVITED.
I WANT YOU TO MEET \hMY FIANCé, GREG. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO, LLOYD! NO!
\h\hERIC MURPHY. TRAVIS McCREDLE.
NICE TO MEET YOU, \h\h\h\h\hTRAVIS. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHI.
ERIC MANAGES VINNIE. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH.
\h\h\h\h\hAND TRAVIS’S FATHER CO-FINANCES OUR ENTIRE SLATE.
\h\h\hALL THAT MONEY’S GONNA BE MINE SOMEDAY,
\h\hSO I PREFER YOU CONSIDER THAT I CO-FINANCED THE SLATE.
FUCK ME.
IS THAT EMILY RATAJKOWSKI OVER THERE TALKIN’ TO VINNIE CHASE?
SURE IS.
YOU WANT TO MEET HER?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, I WANT TO MARRY HER,
\h\h\h\hBUT YOU GOT TO START SOMEWHERE, RIGHT?
[ CHUCKLES ]
OH, BOY.
E, HAVE SOME WATER.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHY? YOU LOOK PARCHED.
ALMOST SICKLY. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARE YOU SERIOUS?
YOU’RE YELLOW, BRO.
VINNIE CHASE!
\hBIG FAN OF YOUR WORK, ESPECIALLY "AQUAMAN 2."
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAH, THANKS. BUT I WAS ONLY IN THE FIRST "AQUAMAN."
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ CHUCKLES ] \hWELL, ALL THOSE COMIC-BOOK MOVIES
START TO BLEND TOGETHER \h\h\h\hAFTER A WHILE.
EXCEPT FOR "THE AVENGERS."
ALL FIVE OF THOSE HEROES \hON SCREEN AT ONE TIME.
THAT WAS REALLY SOMETHING, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWASN’T IT?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH, WELL...
TRAVIS, HAVE YOU MET \hEMILY RATAJKOWSKI?
\h\h\h\hNO, BUT I FEEL LIKE WE ALREADY KNOW EACH OTHER.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSPORTS ILLUSTRATED SPREAD ON THE PLANE.
THAT LOOKED COLD. \hWAS THAT COLD?
IT WAS.
WELL, IT WAS STILL HOT.
\h\h\h\hAri: TRAVIS, VINNIE WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU
\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR ALL THE SUPPORT THAT YOU’VE GIVEN HIM ON HIS MOVIE.
YES.
$100 MILLION-PLUS \h\h\h\hWITH P&A.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND I HEAR YOU’RE LOOKIN’ FOR MORE.
JUST A LITTLE.
\h\hWELL, I’M LOOKIN’ FORWARD TO BEING ABLE TO EXPLAIN WHY.
I’M GONNA GO GET A DRINK. LET YOU GUYS TALK?
OKAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hVINCE, I-IS -- IS THAT YOUR GIRL?
\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, NO. WE’RE JUST FRIENDS.
OH. SO I’M FREE IN THE CLEAR \h\h\h\h\h\h\hTO GO FOR THAT?
UH, YEAH.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M ASKIN’ YOU FOR.
\h\h\hYOU DON’T OWN EVERY PIECE OF PUSSY IN THIS TOWN, DO YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ DIPLO’S "EXPRESS YOURSELF" \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPLAYS ]
♪ EXPRESS YOURSELF, EXPRESS YOURSELF, EXPRESS YOURSELF ♪
\h\h\h\h♪ RELEASE IT, GO ATTACK THE FLOOR ♪
♪ DIPLO ♪
♪ EXPRESS YOURSELF, EXPRESS YOURSELF, EXPRESS YOURSELF ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ PUT YOUR, PUT YOUR BACK IN IT NOW ♪
MR. SUIT.
ARE YOU OKAY?
I FEEL STRANGE.
STRANGE HOW?
\h\hMY DICK GETS HARD EVERY TIME A GIRL LOOKS AT ME.
LIKE, TODAY OR ALWAYS?
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU’RE CUTE.
I SHOULD PROBABLY \hGO TALK TO HER.
\h\h\h\h\h\hSEEMS LIKE THE RIGHT MOVE, SUIT.
YOU’RE A GOOD GUY, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hBILL.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMAYBE I COULD FINANCE SOMETHIN’ FOR YOU TO STAR IN.
\h\h\h\hHAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING I’VE DONE, OR...?
\h\h\h\h\h\hUH, NOT IN COMPLETE, BUT I’VE SEEN THAT TRAILER
\h\h\hFOR THAT NEW ONE YOU GOT COMIN’ OUT MAYBE 500 TIMES.
MAYBE YOU WANT TO FINANCE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTO STAR IN.
\h\h\hI’M JOHNNY, VINCE’S BROTHER.
OH. HEY.
YOU’RE AN ACTOR, TOO?
YEAH. \h\h\hWHAT’VE YOU BEEN IN?
EVERYTHING.
HAVE YOU SEEN HIM \h\hIN ANYTHING?
UM, I, UH...
\h\h\hI’VE SEEN HIM IN "VIKING QUEST."
REALLY? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hVince: YEAH, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND HE’S IN MY MOVIE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH. JUST FOUR SCENES.
FOUR PIVOTAL SCENES. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hHE’S AMAZING.
REALLY? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH.
\h\h\h\h\hONE OF THE REASONS WHY I WANTED TO MAKE THIS MOVIE
IS BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT THAT ROLE WOULD DO FOR MY BIG BRO.
\h\h\hIT’S GONNA CHANGE HIS LIFE.
THANKS, BRO.
WELL, I CAN’T WAIT \h\h\h\hTO SEE IT.
\h\h\h\h\hAri: I CAN’T EITHER.
\h\h\hSO, WHAT’S UP? ARE WE GONNA DO THIS?
ARI, RELAX. IT’S NOT GONNA BE \h\h\hDARK FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR.
BY THE TIME EVERYONE’S SEATED, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIT’LL BE DARK.
LET’S GO.
\h\h\hALL RIGHT. I GOT TO FIND E.
FUCK E.
\h\h\h\h\hTO GET BACK TO MY CONVERSATION...
SO, YOU’RE A "VIKING QUEST" FAN, HUH?
\h\h\h\h\h\hHOW LONG HAVE YOU LIVED HERE?
JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
\h\h\h\hIT CAME WITH ALL THE FURNITURE AND STUFF,
SO IT FEELS LIVED-IN.
SO, WHAT’S YOUR DEAL, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTURTLE?
YOU SELLING COKE \h\h\hTHESE DAYS?
NO.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHY -- WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
\h\h\h\h\hI SAY THAT ’CAUSE THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU,
YOU WERE A FAT POTHEAD LIVING OFF OF VINCE.
\hAND NOW YOU LIVE NEXT TO SPIELBERG.
[ SCOFFS ]
\h\h\h\h\hI STARTED A TEQUILA COMPANY.
OH, YEAH? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH.
AND I STARTED WORKIN’ OUT.
WHAT DO YOU DO, \h\h\hPILATES?
\h\h\h\hI BOX A LITTLE. AND I -- I DO CARDIO.
THAT’S CUTE.
[ MUFFLED MOANING ]
WHAT?
\h\h\h\h\hI THINK SOMEONE’S FUCKIN’ IN THERE.
COME ON.
[ MOANING CONTINUES ]
MOTHERFUCKER!
OH, MY GOD!
[ DOOR THUMPS ]
I GOT IT. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFUCKER.
HEY!
OH! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, SHIT!
OF ALL THE GUYS I NEVER THOUGHT \h\hI’D CATCH FUCKIN’ IN MY ROOM.
SORRY.
\h\h\h\h\hNO, DON’T BE. I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.
HI, RONDA ROUSEY.
\h\hI WON 500 BUCKS ON YOUR LAST FIGHT.
[ DU TONC’S "DARKNESS" PLAYS ]
\h\h\h\hFrank Luntz: CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH.
REALLY?
\h\h\h\hYOU SAID YOU WERE A VIRGO?
OH, UH, I -- UM, A GEMINI. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ CHUCKLES ]
\h\hTHE, UH, TWINS, RIGHT? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH.
I LOVE TWINS. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hUH-HUH.
COME ON, VINNIE!
\h\h\h\hLET’S ROLL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!
Mark Cuban: YOU EVER THINK \hABOUT PLAYING BASKETBALL?
Russell Wilson: YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT SIGNING ME?
[ CROWD CHEERING, WHISTLING ]
GUYS. GUYS.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING?
VINCE DOESN’T WANT TO SHOW YOU \h\h\h\hTHE MOVIE WITH THIS CROWD.
HOLY SHIT. WHAT?
HOW BAD IS IT? ARI, IT’S--
NO, YOU LOOK NERVOUS RIGHT NOW, VINCE. I’M NOT --
\hNO, I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU NERVOUS.
JUST TELL ME, DOES IT SUCK?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO. IT DOESN’T SUCK.
\h\h\h\hTELL HIM IT DOESN’T SUCK. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIT DOESN’T SUCK.
FILM!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFILM! FILM! FILM! FILM!
[ CROWD CHANTING "FILM!" ]
\h\hCOME ON! FUCKIN’ FILM!
ROLL IT, VINNIE! \h\h\h\hCOME ON!
JUST PUT IT ON!
\hVINNIE, SHOW US THE FUCKIN’ FILM!
LET’S GO, BABY!
[ CHANTING CONTINUES ]
HEY, I-I-I’M GONNA -- I’M GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT.
\hVINCE? TIME TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.
I’M GETTING SOME QUALITY TIME ALONE WITH EMILY.
WHAT’S THE RUNNIN’ TIME ON THIS?
140 MINUTES.
JESUS.
I LIKE SHORT MOVIES, VINCE, YOU KNOW?
AND -- AND -- AND COMEDIES.
\hYOU EVER SEEN "BAD GRANDPA"?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’M CALLING THIS OFF. THAT NEVER GETS OLD.
\h\h\hNO -- YOU KNOW, \h\hFUCK THESE GUYS. VINCE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? GIVE TRAVIS AND ARI DVDs TO TAKE HOME.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHOLD ON. VINCE, LET’S SEE THE --
I KNOW, I-I CAN WATCH THAT WITH EMILY.
HEY, EVERYONE.
VINNIE!
GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.
[ CROWD MURMURS ]
\h\h\h\h\hTHE BAD NEWS IS THE PROJECTOR BROKE.
NO! NO, NO. VINNIE, NO!
\h\h\h\hTHE GOOD NEWS IS, LOOK WHO JUST SHOWED UP.
PHARRELL!
\h\h\h\h\h\hPHARRELL? WHAT THE FUCK IS PHARRELL?
COULD WE POSSIBLY CONVINCE YOU TO COME UP HERE AND PERFORM?
[ CROWD CHEERS ]
I’M GONNA KILL VINCE.
[ "HUNTER" PLAYS ]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ JUST BECAUSE IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ♪
\h\h\h♪ THAT DON’T MEAN I WON’T HUNT YOU DOWN ♪
MY LIFE IS OVER.
NO, IT ISN’T, ARI. \h\h\h\h\h\hRELAX.
RELAX, E?
YOU REMEMBER THAT COLOMBIAN SOCCER PLAYER THAT GOT STRUNG UP
BY HIS DICK AFTER GIVING UP THE GAME-WINNING GOAL?
WELL, THAT’S WHERE WE’RE HEADED IF THIS MOVIE TANKS.
VINCE WILL NOT COME BACK FROM THIS,
\h\h\hNEITHER WILL I, AND NEITHER WILL YOU.
RELAX KNOWIN’ THAT!
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
I DON’T ASK FOR MUCH, DO I?
\h\h\h\h\hHEALTH AND HAPPINESS FOR THE KIDS, PEACE ON EARTH...
THE WIFE TO HAVE BIGGER TITS -- \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hONLY SOMETIMES.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBUT I’M -- WHAT ARE YOU DOIN’?
NOTHIN’.
YOU DIDN’T COME TO BED.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO, I -- I HAVEN’T... WHAT?
\h\h\h\h\h\hWHAT, ARE YOU PRAYING?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH. SOMETHIN’ WRONG WITH THAT?
\h\h\hWELL, YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD, SO...
FOR THE GOOD STUFF, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hI DO.
IT’S 2:00 A.M.
\h\h\h\hYOU SAT DOWN TO WATCH THIS MOVIE AT MIDNIGHT.
I’M MENTALLY PREPPING.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’M GONNA START NOW. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU WANT TO JOIN ME? YOU SAID I COULDN’T.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, YOU COULD BLOW ME THROUGH IT, IN CASE IT SUCKS.
EASE THE PAIN?
\h\h\h\h\hGOOD LUCK. I’LL SEE YOU IN BED.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
AH.
DON’T FUCK ME ON THIS, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hVINNIE.
]
DON’T YOU FUCK ME.
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
[ SIREN WAILING ]
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
[ CROWD SCREAMING ]
[ SCREAMS ]
\hSADLY, ALL GOOD PARTIES MUST COME TO AN END.
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
OH, COME ON.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHERE IS NO WAY EMILY WOULD BANG THAT YOKEL.
I’M TELLIN’ YOU -- SHE LEFT WITH HIM.
I DON’T CARE. NO WAY.
\h\hTHESE GUYS WITH MONEY ALWAYS GET WOMEN OUT OF THEIR LEAGUE.
\h\h\h\hOH, YOU MEAN LIKE TURTLE AND RONDA?
OH, PLEASE -- SHE’S MORE LIKELY \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTO BREAK HIS WINDPIPE
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAN BANG HIS MALNOURISHED ASS.
HUH. WE’LL SEE.
WE WERE TEXTIN’ \h\hALL NIGHT.
\h\hSHE SENT ME A SEXY PIC.
YEAH, RIGHT. SHUT UP.
MM-HMM.
\h\h\h\h[ Laughing ] THAT’S A FIGHT-PROMO PIC.
NOT RELEASED YET, \hTHOUGH, BITCH.
AND SHE JUST SAID,
"I’M SENDING AN UBER FOR YOU \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIN 90 MINUTES,"
\h\h\h\hSO... BOTH OF YOU.
PROFESSIONAL PICS, \h\h\h\hUBER CAR...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFROM YOU, AND IT AIN’T YOUR DICK, BRO.
I AGREE -- SHE PROBABLY WANTS YOU TO MAKE HER SOME MONEY
\h\h\h\h\h\hNOW THAT YOU’RE MINI-MARK CUBAN.
THAT’S FINE.
\h\h\h\hTRUTH IS, I-I’D RATHER WORK WITH HER THAN DATE HER, ANYWAY.
\h\h\h\h\hOH, YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT, TURTLE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, OR MAYBE THOSE SKINNY PILLS HE’S TAKIN’
\h\hARE FILLED WITH ESTROGEN.
YO, YO. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYO.
\h\h\h\hHEY, MORNIN’, BRO.
ANY WORD FROM ARI?
RADIO SILENCE.
AH, HE PROBABLY HASN’T EVEN \h\h\h\h\h\h\hWATCHED IT YET, VIN.
\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, MAYBE HIS DVD PLAYER BROKE.
HEY, SIT DOWN, BRO.
I MADE YOUR FAVORITE -- HAND-ROLLED CROISSANTS,
\h\hEGGS BENEDICT WITH CHAMPAGNE SHERRY-INFUSED BéARNAISE SAUCE
AND FRESHLY SQUEEZED \h\h\h\hGUAVA JUICE.
FAVORITE.
JOHNNY, THIS LOOKS GREAT, BUT I’M NOT REALLY HUNGRY.
HEY, COME ON.
EVEN IF ARI HATED THE MOVIE, \h\h\h\h\h\hWHO GIVES A SHIT?
HE’S STILL A FUCKIN’ AGENT \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAT HEART.
YEAH, SERIOUSLY, BRO. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hFUCK ARI.
\h\h\h\h\hEric: YEAH, FUCK ’IM.
FUCK ARI.
[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ] \h\hTHANKS, GUYS.
IT’S ARI.
\h\h\h\hTHINK HE HEARD US? WHAT’D HE SAY?
\h\h\hHE WANTS US TO GO OUT FRONT.
WHY?
Vince: WOW.
Turtle: HOLY SHIT.
LOOK AT THIS BEAUTY!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDIDN’T HATE THE MOVIE.
NO, ACTUALLY, HE LOVED IT.
"VINNIE, I’M BLOWN AWAY. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hBLOWN AWAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND, E, YOU’VE DONE GOOD, TOO."
[ MOTOR WHIRRING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ OB O’BRIEN’S "SCHEMIN’ UP" \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPLAYS ]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hME IN THAT NOTE, BRO?
♪ ALL MY NIGGAS SO HUNGRY, MAN, THEY JUST EAT WHAT THEY KILL ♪
\h♪ I LIKE CONVERTIBLE BENTLEYS AND HOUSES DEEP IN THE HILLS ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ I MIGHT TELL THE WHOLE CREW COME THROUGH ♪
♪ MY SQUAD GOT TO ROLL THROUGH, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCOME THROUGH ♪
♪ TELL THE YOUNG HIGH-SCHOOL \h\h\h\hKIDS KEEP DREAMIN’ ♪
♪ BECAUSE THEY SURE DO \h\h\h\h\h\hCOME TRUE ♪
♪ THEN I SAY YEAH, \h\h\h\hOH, YEAH ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ MY SOUND IS WHAT UP RIGHT NOW ♪
\h\h\h♪ I’VE BEEN DOWN, BUT I’M UP RIGHT NOW ♪
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH! OH, YEAH, BABY!
♪ MAN, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRIGHT NOW ♪
♪ LET A NIGGA SWIM IN THE PUSSY \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hON THE LOW ♪
♪ ’BOUT TO GO DROWN IN THE CUP \h\h\hRIGHT NOW, HOLLA AT ME ♪
♪ YEAH, I GOT TWO TINGS \h\h\hCOMIN’ THROUGH ♪
I REALLY NEED AN ANSWER, ARI. TIME IS RUNNING OUT.
\h\hISN’T MY OFFERING UP MY HOUSE FOR THE CEREMONY ENOUGH, LLOYD?
\h\h\hNO, EVEN THOUGH THAT IS SO AMAZINGLY GENEROUS,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHIS IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TO ME.
\h\h\h\h\hI need more information.
LIKE WHAT? Like what will you \h\h\h\hbe wearing?
\h\h\h\h\hI KNOW IT CAN’T BE WHITE
BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN BANGED \h\h\h\h\h\h\hMORE TIMES THAN --
ARI!
HEY, LIAM.
GO FUCK YOURSELF, \h\h\h\h\h\hARI.
FORGIVE AND FORGET, BUDDY. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO?
HEY, SCHINDLER.
LEAVE NO JEW BEHIND!
ARI?!
Listen, Lloyd, \h\hI love you,
\hBUT I JUST -- I CAN’T COMMIT.
REALLY?
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
OH, GOD.
[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHEY, ARI. TELL ME YOU’RE NOT PARKIN’ THERE.
MY STUDIO, ED. DON’T FORCE ME TO REVOKE YOUR PARKING PRIVILEGES.
FUCKING ASSHOLE!
\h\h\h\h\h\hWHO IS INSANE ENOUGH TO PARK IN MY SPOT, ALLEN?
UH, I DO NOT KNOW. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTOW IT.
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, \h\h\h\h\hI’M IN A GOOD MOOD.
JUST SPIT ON IT.
CAR, ARI.
TRAVIS McCREDLE’S HERE TO SEE YOU.
I CAN SEE THAT NOW.
SORRY.
\h\h\h\h\h\hDIDN’T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO PUT IT.
THAT’S OKAY.
WHAT’S HAPPENING?
YOU GET A CHANCE \h\h\hTO LOOK AT
VINNIE CHASE’S MASTERPIECE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLAST NIGHT?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI DID. YOU GOT A MINUTE TO CHAT?
YES. YES, YES, YES.
UH... \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGREAT.
HOLD ALL MY CALLS, \h\h\h\h\h\hALLEN.
BUT REMEMBER YOU HAVE COUPLES THERAPY AT 11:00.
OH, AND -- AND, ARI. ARI.
Do you still want me to spit on his car?
WOW!
WHAT A SPACE.
AH, IT’S COMFY, HUH?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU SHOULD SEE MY FATHER’S WORK OFFICE.
I BET YOUR FATHER HAS A MUCH NICER OFFICE THAN THIS.
\h\h\hNO, MY FATHER DOESN’T BELIEVE IN
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWASTIN’ MONEY ON EXTRAVAGANT OFFICE SETTINGS.
MY FATHER BELIEVES IN PUTTIN’ MONEY INTO PRODUCT,
WHETHER THAT’S PIG’S EARS WE’RE SELLIN’ FOR DOGS TO CHEW ON
\h\h\hOR METHANE GAS FOR MIDDLE EASTERNERS
TO POISON EACH OTHER WITH.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYES. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I TRIED YOUR FATHER -- \hWAITIN’ TO HEAR BACK.
I SPOKE TO HIM. I TOLD HIM HE DIDN’T NEED TO CALL YOU UNTIL AFTER WE SPOKE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH. \h\h\h\hI, OBVIOUSLY, DIDN’T LIKE THE MOVIE
AS MUCH AS YOU DID, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hARI.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO, IT’S NO MASTERPIECE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAH. NOT FROM THESE EYES’ PERSPECTIVE.
WELL...AND, UH, WHAT TYPE OF TRAINING DO YOU HAVE TO JUDGE THAT?
I WENT TO THE AUSTIN P.A. FILM ACADEMY FOR A SEMESTER,
AND ALL MY TEACHERS SAID I HAD TREMENDOUS TASTE.
\hI CAN...SEE IT IN YOUR WARDROBE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
LOOK, ARI, I HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS MOVIE,
AND MY FATHER WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY.
THOUGHTS?
YOU HAVE NOTES?
\h\h\h\h\h\hWHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL THEM.
BUT MOST OF THEM \hREVOLVE AROUND
\h\h\h\h\hCUTTING OUT VINCENT CHASE’S MUTANT BROTHER.
DRAMA.
YEAH. HE’S AN ABOMINATION AND HE’S GOT TO GO.
THE CHALLENGE FOR ME WAS
I WAS THE ONLY HUMAN \h\h\hIN THAT SCENE.
\h\hEVERYONE ELSE WAS LIVING DEAD.
So how did that affect how you played the role?
IT DIDN’T.
IT COULDN’T.
I HAD TO BE REAL.
IF I PLAYED INTO IT, \hNO WAY IT COULD BE.
That’s really interesting.
YEAH.
NOW, COME ON, BABY.
SHOW ME A LITTLE NIP.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPLEASE? You are relentless.
This is like our third session since last night.
\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, WELL, I’M A LITTLE STRESSED
ABOUT AN AUDITION \hI GOT TOMORROW,
AND YOUR VOICE, IT SOOTHES ME.
\h\h\h\h\hTAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT.
Fine.
Unbutton your pants.
OH, YEAH, BABY.
OH, YEAH.
[ Moans ]
\h\hOH, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRANDY: Jen! Oh!
\hWhat the fuck are you doin’?
Randy! You’re supposed to be in Chatsworth!
\hWho the fuck is this loser?
\h\h\hYOU DON’T NEED TO CALL ME A LOSER, BRO.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJesus. Put some fucking clothes on!
Oh, my God! You’re not supposed to be here! Listen to me!
I’m gonna find you, you hear me? You’re gonna pay for this.
I’m gonna hunt you down,
\h\hand you’re gonna fuckin’ pay for this!
Johnny, I’m so sorry. This wasn’t --
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYO, JOHNNY, WANT TO DROP ME AT EDITING?
YEAH, SURE, BRO.
\hWHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN’?
\hYOU THINK I SHOULD START A VODKA COMPANY?
\h\h\h\h\h\hI THINK YOU WOULD KILL IT.
BUT I DON’T EVEN DRINK.
REALLY?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hUH, LOOK. I GOT A TON OF IDEAS.
YOU SHOULD HAVE \hA FITNESS APP
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND, LIKE, YOUR OWN CLOTHING LINE.
WHAT, YOU DON’T THINK MY BRAND’S DOING FINE ALREADY?
I THINK YOU COULD ALWAYS \h\h\h\hBE DOING BETTER, NO?
\h\h\h\hI’M CONFUSED. IS THIS A BUSINESS MEETING?
UH...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h’CAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW. I DIDN’T KNOW EITHER.
I-IS THIS A DATE?
\h\h\h\hI DON’T COOK FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYIN’ TO PITCH ME.
[ SCOFFS ] WHATEVER.
I THOUGHT A NICE, NORMAL GUY WANTED TO HANG OUT FOR ONCE.
I DID! I DO!
NO ONE UNDER 250 POUNDS EVER HAS THE BALLS TO TALK TO ME.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI SHOULD’VE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hKNOWN BETTER. \h\h\hNO, NO. IT’S NOT LIKE THAT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU SHOULD GO. JUST SEE YOURSELF OUT, TURTLE.
RONDA, COME ON.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU SHOULD GO BEFORE I FEEL LIKE HITTING SOMETHING.
I’LL CALL YOU AN UBER.
AN UBERX, ACTUALLY.
MOTHERFUCKIN’ ASSHOLE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE WON’T RELEASE ANY MORE MONEY? WHY NOT?
I’M DEALING WITH IT.
\hI thought you said his opinion didn’t matter.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIT DOESN’T, AND I’M DEALING WITH IT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, YOU BETTER DEAL FAST,
’CAUSE WE CAN’T FINISH THE MOVIE WITHOUT MONEY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hREALLY? ’CAUSE I THOUGHT WE COULD FINISH \h\h\h\h\hIT WITH FROOT LOOPS.
\h\h\h\hYOU’RE FUNNY BUT DID YOU TELL VINCE?
’CAUSE HE’S ON HIS WAY TO EDITING.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou ’cause it’s your job,
ALONG WITH GOING OVER BUDGET AND BEING SHORT, TO TELL HIM THESE THINGS.
YOU NEED TO CALL HIM ’CAUSE I’M WALKIN’ INTO LAMAZE CLASS.
\h\h\hNothing says you’re working hard
\h\h\h\hMORE THAN LAMAZE CLASS AT NOON ON A WEDNESDAY, E.
THANKS FOR NOTHIN’.
HEY, BABY.
I’M EXCITED FOR THERAPY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDON’T BE. IT’S A WASTE OF FUCKIN’ MONEY.
HEY, KELSEY.
ARI. MELISSA.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHI. YOU OKAY?
\h\h\hI’M HERE, SO I’M FUCKED.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHERE, I’M GUESSING YOU’RE FUCKED AS WELL.
NICE SEEIN’ YA!
THIS SHOULD BE FUN.
BREATHE IN.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
AND CONTINUE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSloan: WHAT ABOUT THE NAME RYAN?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hEric: FOR A BOY OR A GIRL?
EITHER.
I LIKE IT.
BUT RYAN MURPHY CREATED "GLEE."
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL CONFUSE OUR BABY WITH HIM?
IF WE NAME OUR BABY RYAN MURPHY, THEN, YEAH, I DO.
[ LAUGHS ]
\hWHY DOES CHAD LOWE KEEP STARIN’ AT YOU?
Hey. How are you?
\h\h\h\hSloan: WOULD YOU STOP?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hEric: WHAT, I JUST DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE DATING.
WE WENT OUT A COUPLE OF TIMES. IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL.
YEAH. WONDER WHAT THE GIRL HE’S WITH WOULD THINK ABOUT THAT.
THEY’RE NOT TOGETHER.
THEN WHAT ARE THEY DOIN’ \h\h\h\h\h\hIN LAMAZE CLASS?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDOING IN LAMAZE CLASS?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHIS IS \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hA FUCKED-UP TOWN. [ Chuckling ] YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK WE’RE BETTER OFF IF WE DON’T QUESTION EACH OTHER.
I AGREE. BUT TELL ME YOU HAVEN’T HAD SEX.
\h\h\hOH, MY GOD. ARE YOU SERIOUS?
\h\h\h\h\h\hCAN’T, CAN YOU?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI MEAN, WITH THE BABY IN THERE.
I MEAN, YOU COULD HURT IT, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRIGHT?
OH, RELAX, ERIC.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO, I’M NOT HAVING SEX.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND NOT BECAUSE I HAVEN’T WANTED TO.
BECAUSE, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,
BUT PREGNANT WOMEN CAN GET VERY HORNY.
PROBLEM IS, NOBODY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.
HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU HEADED WITH THIS?
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME YOU LOVE ME
AND YOU WANT ME BACK AGAIN?
WHO’S TALKIN’ ABOUT LOVE? \h\h\hI’M TALKIN’ ABOUT SEX.
\h\h\h\hI’M SAYING THAT I WOULD HAVE SEX WITH YOU RIGHT NOW
IF YOU REALLY NEED IT.
I JUST DON’T WANT TO GET EMOTIONAL.
[ SCOFFS, LAUGHS ]
DO YOU KNOW I HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN HELD IN SIX MONTHS?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hALREADY GETTING EMOTIONAL.
FOLLOW ME HOME.
SERIOUSLY?
YEAH, SURE. \hWHY NOT.
YOU’RE CLEAN. I TRUST YOU.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSLOAN. YEAH?
I’M NOT REALLY \h\hTHAT CLEAN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE \h\h\h\h\h\h\hLAST NIGHT.
\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, WHO? THE "I WANT YOUR COCK" TEXTER?
NO, SOMEONE ELSE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hACTUALLY, I HAD SEX WITH THE TEXTER YESTERDAY ALSO.
2 GIRLS IN 24 HOURS?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, NOT BY DESIGN. WHO ARE YOU?
AND WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HONEST?
\h’CAUSE THAT’S JUST WHO I AM.
AND I GUESS THAT’S WHY \h\h\hWE’RE NOT TOGETHER.
NO. WE’RE NOT TOGETHER ’CAUSE YOU FUCKED MY STEPMOTHER.
DON’T EVER FORGET THAT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND YOU TOLD ME THAT IF I CAME CLEAN AND ADMITTED IT,
YOU’D GET OVER IT, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAT.
I TRIED, ERIC.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI MEAN, I DIDN’T MOVE TO NEW YORK
\h\h\h’CAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO TRY -- I DID.
I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHELLO. It’s Melanie.
I NEED YOU TO MEET ME AT THE LITTLE DOOR IN 30.
\h\hI DIDN’T THINK I’D HEAR FROM YOU.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hEric, this isn’t a social call.
I’M PREGNANT.
And if you don’t meet me in 30,
THE NEXT CALL YOU’RE GOING TO GET IS FROM MY ATTORNEY.
ERIC.
\h\hI CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GONNA SAY THIS,
BUT I’M WILLING \hTO TRY AGAIN.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
UH...
OKAY. GOOD TALK.
\h\hSO, WHY DID YOU STOP TAKING THE "ANGER MEDS,"
AS YOU CALL THEM?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI DIDN’T THINK \h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHEY WERE WORKING. DID.
EXCEPT TO AFFECT ME
\h\h\h\h\h\hIN PLACES THAT I JUST DIDN’T WANT TO BE AFFECTED.
\h\hHAVE YOU BEEN UNABLE TO MAINTAIN AN ERECTION?
I DIDN’T SAY THAT. \h\hDID I SAY THAT?
HE’S HAVING TROUBLE \h\h\h\hFINISHING.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hM-MEANING THAT I CAN GO ALL NIGHT.
\h\h\hBOOM. [ LAUGHS ]
\hAND NOW YOU FEEL THAT HE’S REVERTING
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBACK TO HIS PAST BEHAVIORS.
\h\h\h\h\hIT’S AS IF WE’RE IN A TIME MACHINE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHE PAST BEHAVIORS THAT ALMOST ENDED YOUR MARRIAGE.
YES.
\h\hYOU DON’T FEEL THAT IS TRUE, ARI?
NO, OF COURSE I DON’T \h\hFEEL THAT IT’S TRUE
TRUE.
\hI PROMISED MY WIFE THAT IF SHE LET ME GO BACK TO WORK,
IT WOULD BE NOTHING BUT FUN, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBEEN.
I DO ALMOST NOTHING BUT SMILE ALL DAY.
\hAND THE ANGER MEDS DIDN’T MAKE ME CALM.
THEY JUST MADE ME NOT ABLE TO COME,
\h\hWHICH JUST MADE ME ANGRY.
\h\h\h\h\hAND JUST MADE MY WIFE SORE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNOW, CURRENTLY, I AM A LITTLE BIT STRESSED
ABOUT THIS GIANT MOVIE
BECAUSE I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE \hTO SEE IT UNTIL YESTERDAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHANK GOD IT’S FUCKING AMAZING.
BUT SUDDENLY, THIS LITTLE PUNK \hBITCH VERSION OF FORREST GUMP
\h\h\h\h\h\hTHINKS THAT HE HAS THE AUTHORITY TO WEIGH IN
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hON CUTTING MY MOVIE-STAR DIRECTOR’S BROTHER,
AND HIS FUCKIN’ FOGHORN LEGHORN \hOF A FATHER WON’T CALL ME BACK
\h\h\hTO TELL ME THAT HE DOESN’T,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSO, YES, I AM A TINY, TINY BIT STRESSED,
WHICH IS NORMAL, NO?
\h\h\h\h\h\hWHY DON’T WE KEEP THE FOCUS OFF WORK?
\h\h\h\h\hTELL HER WHAT YOU DID TODAY.
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWITH ANYTHING?
\h\h\h\h\hHE TOLD HIS EX-ASSISTANT
THAT HE COULD HAVE HIS WEDDING AT OUR HOUSE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"EX-ASSISTANT." HE’S LIKE A DAUGHTER TO ME.
YOU DIDN’T EVEN ASK ME. BECAUSE I THOUGHT \h\h\hYOU’D LIKE IT.
\h\hWHAT? 300 GAY MEN RUNNING AROUND IN OUR YARD?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU’RE MAKING BIGOTED ASSUMPTIONS NOW, BABY.
YEAH, HE SAID IT WAS GONNA BE A TOGA-THEMED WEDDING
WITH GLASS DILDOS AS CENTERPIECES.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ Chuckling ] THAT WAS A JOKE, OBVIOUSLY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHE HAS THESE HIGHS AND LOWS.
IT’S, LIKE, ONE MINUTE HE’S ON THE PHONE, SCREAMING,
\h\h\h\hAND THE NEXT, HE’S ON THE GROUND, PRAYING.
\h\h\hAND I JUST HAVE THIS FEELING IN MY GUT
THAT HE COULD EXPLODE AT ANY SECOND.
IT’S JUST NOT TRUE.
[ RINGTONE PLAYS ]
\h\h\hI TOLD YOU TO TURN THAT OFF.
I THOUGHT I DID. [ CLEARS THROAT ]
IT COULD BE THE TEXAN \h\h\h\h\h\h\hOR VINCE.
IT’S THE STUDIO.
[ RINGTONE STOPS ]
IT’S -- IT’S A NEW PHONE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSHE GOT ME.
\h\h\h\h\hI DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN THE RINGER OFF.
TURN THE WHOLE POWER OFF. WELL, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO.
[ RINGTONE RESUMES ]
IT’S THE STUDIO AGAIN.
DON’T ANSWER THAT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIT MUST BE IMPORTANT. DON’T.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIT COULD BE ABOUT THE TEXAN OR VINCE.
I-I HAVE TO TAKE IT. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI--
[ RINGTONE CONTINUES ]
WHAT?
Did you show a cut
OF VINCE’S MOVIE TO LARSEN McCREDLE’S SON?
\h\h\h\h\h\hYes. How do you know?
THE EDITOR JUST CALLED.
\h\h\h\h\hAPPARENTLY, THE KID SHOWED UP WITH NOTES.
\h\h\h\hJESUS. IS VINCE THERE?
Not yet.
BUT THE KID SAID, AND I’M QUOTING,
"THAT PRETTY-BOY DIRECTOR IS LOCKED OUT,
ALONG WITH EVERYONE ELSE, UNTIL I SAY SO."
[ GROWLS ]
ARI?
Ari? \h\h\h\h\h\hI GOT TO GO, DANA.
[ SIGHS ]
I’M OKAY TO CONTINUE.
[ MOBB DEEP’S "GIVE UP THE GOODS (JUST STEP)" PLAYS ]
LOOK, MAYBE \h\h\hWANT TO BANG YOU.
MY BAD. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBAD.
\h\hYOU TOTALLY GOT IN MY HEAD.
WHY DON’T YOU JUST CALL HER AND APOLOGIZE?
I ALREADY DID. SHE SENT ME \h\h\h\hSTRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL.
TWICE.
LOOK, TURTLE, I’M SORRY.
BUT I GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW.
DON’T FUCK GIRLS WITH BOYFRIENDS AND YOU WOULDN’T.
\hSHE NEVER MENTIONED SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND.
\h\hI WOULDN’T WORRY ABOUT IT.
\h\h\h\h\h\hUNLESS SHE SELLS YOU OUT, HOW’S HE GONNA FIND YOU ANYWAY?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, MAYBE HE RECOGNIZED ME.
\h\h\h\h\h\hCOME ON. WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?
BILLION TO ONE, \h\h\hAT LEAST.
\hCOULD YOU PLEASE NOT MAKE FUN OF ME?
EVER?
\h\h\h\hALL RIGHT, WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
\h\h\h\hYOU KNOW WHAT I’M AUDITIONING FOR TOMORROW?
VICTIM NUMBER THREE ON "THE MENTALIST."
AN OLD, BROKEN-DOWN \h\hMALE BALLERINA.
GOOD PART?
YOU KNOW, I KNOW PEOPLE HAVE LOOKED AT ME AS A JOKE
FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS.
BUT IN VINCE’S MOVIE, IT FELT LIKE I FOUND SOMETHING.
AND I’M JUST PRAYING THAT PEOPLE SEE IT
\h\h\hAND THAT THINGS REALLY CHANGE FOR ME.
I GOT A GOOD FEELING \h\h\hTHAT THEY WILL.
THANKS.
HEY, IS THAT E?
NO.
MAYBE.
E.
\h\h\h♪ I’M BORN WITH IT, I’M GETTIN’ ON WITH IT ♪
HANG ON.
♪ CAUSE I’M A WHAT? ♪
♪ COMPOSER OF HARDCORE, A LYRICAL DESTRUCTOR ♪
♪ DON’T MAKE ME BUCK YA ♪
YO, E!
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN’?
NOTHING.
\h\h\h\h\hTurtle: WHERE’S YOUR CAR?
NOBODY WALKS IN L.A., E. YOU LOOK STUPID.
MY LIFE IS OVER.
♪ FLIPPIN’ ON NIGGAS \hWALKIN’ AROUND... ♪
COME ON, TRAVIS! \hOPEN THE DOOR!
I’M DEALING WITH ARI ON THIS, VINCE.
ON WHAT? COME ON!
JUST OPEN THE DOOR!
YO, VINNIE, WHAT’S UP?
YO, WHAT’S UP, MARK?
I’M DOIN’ SOME LOOPIN’ \h\h\h\h\h\hFOR "TED 3."
THREE? HOW MANY OF THOSE ARE YOU GONNA DO?
SHIT, I’LL DO 20 IF I CAN. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHAT’S THE MATTER?
YOUR GIRLFRIEND LOCK YOU OUT \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOF THE EDITING ROOM?
NO, MY CO-FINANCIER.
YOU SERIOUS?
WELL, MY BOYS WILL BREAK DOWN \h\hTHE FUCKING DOOR RIGHT NOW.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI GOT THE HAMSTER HERE. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHE’S CRAZY. I’M CRAZY.
VINNIE. \h\h\h\hWHAT’S UP, ARI?
WHAT KIND OF SHIT STUDIO YOU RUNNIN’ AROUND HERE?
MARK, HEY. CALM DOWN. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDUDE, I’M CALM. \hBUT YOU BETTER GET EXCITED.
I MEAN, YOU DON’T WANT \hEVERYBODY AROUND TOWN
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHINKING THAT THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR FILMMAKERS.
RIGHT? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? LISTEN.
\h\h\h\hI-I-I AM DEALING WITH IT.
YEAH, WELL, E SAID HE’S NOT GONNA RELEASE ANY MORE MONEY.
CAN HE DO THAT? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARI.
HE’S GOT ISSUES.
WHAT, HE DOESN’T LIKE THE MOVIE? IT DOESN’T MATTER.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTELL HIM THE TRUTH. YEAH, SERIOUSLY.
ARI, COME ON, SPEAK!
TELL HIM THE TRUTH. \h\h\hDON’T BE SHY.
HE DOESN’T LIKE DRAMA.
\h\h\hHE WANTS TO CUT HIM OUT.
JOHNNY? YEAH.
THAT’S FUCKED UP, \h\h\h\h\hVINCE.
I’M DOING MY REALITY SHOW "WAHLBURGERS" RIGHT NOW AT A&E.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIF THEY TRY TO CUT OUT MY MOTHER, I’D KILL SOMEBODY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hEVEN IF SHE SUCKED AS BAD AS DRAMA PROBABLY SUCKS.
HEY! YOU GUYS KNOW REGGIE \h\h\h\h\h\hFROM JORDAN, RIGHT?
YEP. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU GUYS \h\h\hWANT SOME SHOES?
\h\h\h\h\hNO, NO, WE’RE GOOD, MARK.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI’M NOT CUTTING OUT JOHNNY.
NO, YOU’RE NOT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI WILL \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTAKE CARE OF IT. YOU BETTER.
\h\h\h\h[ THA DOGG POUND’S "WHAT WOULD U DO?" PLAYS ]
\h\h\h♪ NOW WHAT WOULD YOU DO? IF YOU COULD FUCK WITH ME... ♪
[ BUZZER ] \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, SHIT. \h\h\h\h\hTHAT’S ARI GOLD.
\h\h\h\h\h♪ BUT YOU CAN’T, SO DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT ♪
HAVE THE REDNECK COUNTRY-ASS \h\h\h\h\h\h\hHICK IN EDITING BAY 3
DRAGGED OFF MY LOT.
\h\h\h\h\hIF HE RESISTS, YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION
\h\h\h\hTO SHOOT HIM IN THE FUCKIN’ HEAD!
\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ STEPPIN’ IN THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ HOUSE ♪
♪ BITCHES BUTTERFLY ALL DAY, WHILE I STEADY MAKE MY PAY ♪
\h\h\hYOU’RE LIKE AN NBA PLAYER, E.
YOU IMAGINE WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"OH, YOU HAVE TWINS?"
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND HE SAYS, "NO, THEY’RE NOT TWINS.
ONE WAS BORN IN OCTOBER, \hONE WAS BORN IN APRIL."
LIKE MINIATURE \hIRISH TWINS.
YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS ARE FUNNY, BUT WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
SERIOUSLY. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTAKE A BREATH.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU DON’T EVEN KNOW \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIF IT’S YOURS. OR IF SHE WANTS IT.
WELL, \h\hSOMETHIN’.
\h\h\h\h\hYOU GUYS DON’T HAVE TO WAIT.
\h\h\h\h\hWE KNOW. BUT WE WILL ANYWAY.
\h♪ DO YOU WANNA RAP, SCRAP, OR BLAST TO THAT NIGGA DAZ ♪
♪ I’LL BE THE FIRST ONE \h\h\h\h\hTO HIT ’EM ♪
\h\h\h\hHE’S A FUCKING IDIOT. WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS?
SOMEONE, APPARENTLY,
’CAUSE THEY’RE LETTING HIM HOLD MY FILM HOSTAGE.
NOT TO PILE ON...
WHAT?
WELL, MY PUBLICIST CALLED \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND SAID
THAT "JUST JARED" WANTS TO KNOW \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIF WE’RE DATING.
I DON’T CARE. \hUP TO YOU.
\hTELL THEM WHATEVER YOU’RE COMFORTABLE WITH.
\h\h\h\h\hTHAT WASN’T THEIR ONLY QUESTION.
NO? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO.
\h\h\h\h\h\hTHEY WANTED TO CONFIRM THAT THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG
\h\h\h\h\h\hWITH THE MOVIE, SINCE YOU CANCELED THE SCREENING.
\h\h\h\h\hOH, JESUS. WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM?
THAT IT WAS GREAT. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DO YOU REALLY THINK \h\h\h\hIT’S GREAT?
YES.
NOW STOP.
YOU’RE TOO GOOD-LOOKING \h\h\h\h\h\hTO BE INSECURE.
I’M GONNA CALL E.
[ WHISTLES ]
[ LAUGHS ] FUCK YOU DOING?
WE’RE HUNGRY.
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
ERIC.
\h\h\h\h\h[ RINGING STOPS ] HEY!
PAULA.
YEAH, OF COURSE. HI. HOW ARE YOU?
\h\h\h\hGOOD. IT’S FUNNY RUNNING INTO YOU HERE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI WANTED TO TALK TO YOU TODAY,
BUT WE DIDN’T EVEN \hEXCHANGE NUMBERS.
\h\hYEAH, I KNOW. SORRY ABOUT THAT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDO YOU MIND IF I SIT FOR A MINUTE?
UH, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I HAVE A MEETING RIGHT NOW.
IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN, UH, I CAN CALL YOU LATER?
\h\h\h\h\h\hUM, WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT, SO I’M GONNA SIT FOR ONE MINUTE.
OKAY.
ISN’T THAT THE GIRL HE BANGED LAST NIGHT?
I THINK SO.
\h\h\h\hSHE THE ONE THAT GOT PREGNANT?
\h\h\h\h\hI CAN’T KEEP UP WITH THIS GUY ANYMORE.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT THAT WAS REALLY FAST FOR ME.
I DON’T USUALLY DO THAT THAT FAST.
OH, ME EITHER.
IT WAS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU. LIKE, YOU --
YOU JUST SEEMED SO... SWEET AND INNOCENT.
IS THAT AN ACT?
NO.
REALLY?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHEY. HEY.
IS THAT THE OTHER ONE?
I DON’T KNOW. \h\hI GUESS.
THIS COULD GET UGLY.
SHOULD WE DO SOMETHIN’?
YEAH.
TAKE PICTURES.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHAT, DID YOU BRING A DATE?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, NO, NO, NO. NO. WE JUST RAN INTO EACH OTHER.
I JUST MET HIM \h\hLAST NIGHT.
OH.
\h\h\h\h\hIS THIS YOUR GIRLFRIEND? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hUH...
’CAUSE LAST NIGHT, YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI DON’T. I DON’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO, NO, NO. I’M -- I’M NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND.
EXCUSE ME.
\h\h\h\h\hALTHOUGH, WE DID HAVE SEX...
UH, YESTERDAY.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH.
SO DID WE.
DID HE GET YOU PREGNANT ALSO?
NOT THAT I KNOW OF.
WELL, YOU BETTER CHECK, BECAUSE
\h\h\h\hAPPARENTLY, HE HAS VERY STRONG SWIMMERS.
OKAY, UM, I WILL GO TO THE GYNO TODAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHAT TIME DID YOU GUYS HAVE SEX?
LIKE 6:00 A.M. WHY?
\h\h\h\h\hOKAY, SO YOU’RE FINE.
I JUST -- IT’S --
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHE REASON WHY I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU TODAY...
THIS IS, LIKE, \hEMBARRASSING.
UM...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU MIGHT NEED \h\h\h\hTO GO TO THE DOCTOR, TOO. WHAT?
I REALLY DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS IN FRONT OF HER.
TALK ABOUT WHAT?
[ SCOFFS ]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOKAY, I MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING.
\hIT’S PROBABLY NOT CONTAGIOUS.
EW! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDON’T GET NASTY \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWITH ME, BITCH.
\hWELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE, LIKE HERPES OR SOMETHING?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCAN YOU \h\h\h\h\h\hSHUT THE FUCK UP? \h\h\h\h\hShh. GIRLS, LISTEN.
\hI-I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO BOTH OF YOU \h\hAT THE SAME TIME.
Melanie: WHY DON’T YOU JUST \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSAY YOU’RE SORRY
FOR BEING ANOTHER TYPICAL \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hL.A. DOUCHEBAG.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBECAUSE I’M NOT. \h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, WE THINK YOU ARE.
WHO RUNS AROUND AND USES AS MANY GIRLS AS HE CAN.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI DON’T. WELL, WE THINK YOU DO.
"WE"?
\h\hYEAH, WE USED TO LIVE TOGETHER, ERIC.
WE HAVEN’T SPOKEN \h\hIN A LITTLE,
\hBUT WE DID THIS MORNING
\h\h\hAND, SOMEHOW, YOUR NAME CAME UP.
\h\hSO YOU’RE NOT REALLY PREGNANT.
NO.
AND YOU DON’T HAVE \h\h\h\h\h\hHERPES.
NO!
THANK GOD!
THIS WAS POINTLESS.
NO, THIS ISN’T POINTLESS. \h\h\h\hI GET THE POINT.
THANK YOU.
WELL, N-NOT THANK YOU, BUT, I MEAN, I’M SORRY.
WHAT THE FUCK?
WHEW.
IT’S STILL TOO BLEAK.
YES, THIS MOVIE WILL BE \h\hAN OSCAR CONTENDER,
\h\h\h\h\h\hBUT IT ALSO HAS COMMERCIAL APPEAL, AS WELL.
\h\h\h\h\hTHE POSTER NEEDS TO LET TOOTHLESS GUYS IN TEXAS,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHO SNORT METH AND POSSIBLY FUCK THEIR SISTERS,
KNOW THAT IT’S ALSO FUN \hFOR A SATURDAY NIGHT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIF ONLY WE COULD SEE IT, ARI.
DVDs ARE BEING MADE AS WE SPEAK. EVERYONE CAN SEE IT NOW.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU’VE SEEN IT? OH, YES.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND IT WORKS? OH, IT WORKS, DANA.
I SAW IT LAST NIGHT. [ LAUGHS ]
IT WORKS SO WELL, \h\h\h\hIN FACT,
\h\h\h\hTHAT TONIGHT, AFTER EVERYONE GOES HOME,
I MIGHT SNEAK ONTO THE SET, GO INTO THE HYDE LABORATORY,
AND MASTURBATE INTO A BEAKER.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARI. JOHN ELLIS KEEPS CALLING.
\hTHE CHAIRMAN OF THE STUDIO?
I KNOW WHO HE IS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hUH, HE’S ON THE LOT.
\h\hJOHN ELLIS IS ON THE LOT?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH. WHAT’D HE SAY?
\h\h\h\h\hHE SAID TO TELL YOU TO GET YOUR ASS UP TO HIS OFFICE. NOW.
WHAT SHOULD I, UH, \h\h\h\h\hTELL HIM?
YOU TELL HIM TO GET HIS ASS OFFICE.
NOW!
ARI. ARI!
HE SAID WHAT?!
[ TAME IMPALA’S "ELEPHANT" \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPLAYS ]
MOTHERFUCKER.
\h♪ WELL, HE FEELS LIKE AN ELEPHANT ♪
♪ SHAKING HIS BIG GRAY TRUNK \h\h\h\hFOR THE HELL OF IT ♪
♪ HE KNOWS THAT YOU’RE DREAMING \h\hABOUT BEING LOVED BY HIM ♪
\h\h\h\hDavid Spade: I DO A LITTLE LIGHT KARATE. THIS IS HOW I KEEP --
ARI. HEY, BUDDY.
\h\hDUDE, WHAT’S THIS MAY 4th RELEASE DATE?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? \h\h\h\h\h\hI DON’T HAVE ANY TIME FOR THIS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCOME ON, DUDE. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARE YOU SERIOUS? YEAH, LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I’LL -- I’LL TALK TO MARKETING. WE’LL GET ON IT. EXCUSE ME.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWE’RE UP AGAINST \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTYLER PERRY, LET’S GO, LET’S GO.
THE NEW "HUNGER GAMES" -- \hWE’LL GET SLAUGHTERED!
LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT -- I DON’T KNOW YOU.
\h\h\h♪ AND IT’S NOT LIKE MISTER SHOOK TO GET SHY ♪
♪ WHEN THEY ASK HIM \h\hWHO IS ON TOP ♪
HEY, WARREN.
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO \h\h\h\h\hTO JOHN ELLIS?
IT’S ALL GOOD.
\h\hYOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF THE STUDIO I OWN?
THE WHOLE THING.
\hYEAH, WELL, FIX IT, ARI.
\h\h\h\hIT’S DONE. THANK YOU, WARREN.
♪ HE’S GOT FRIENDS, BUT THEY GOT FEAR ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ OH, LOOK, SEE, THERE HE IS NOW ♪
♪ COMING DOWN THE STAIRS ♪
\h\h\h\h\h[ TIRES SCREECH ] ARI! ARI!
I-I CAN’T NOW, JESS.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH FUCKING KIVES,
\h\h\h\h\hAND HE SAID THAT YOU STILL HAVEN’T GREENLIT
MY PASSION PROJECT. NO, I KNOW.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJESS, WE’RE GOING -- WHAT THE FUCK?!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU KNOW -- DO YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
I’M DEALING WITH A FIRST-TIME DIRECTOR HERE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI KNOW.
WHO’S MORE INTERESTED IN INSTAGRAMMING MY ASS.
\h\h\h\h\h\hHASHTAG JESSICA ALBA’S ASS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, HA-- HA-- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
LOOK ME IN THE FACE. UH-HUH.
I’M GONNA WALK OFF \h\h\hTHIS PROJECT
\h\h\h\hIF YOU DON’T GREENLIGHT MY MOVIE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDONE. SWEAR.
I SWEAR TO YOU, \h\hIT’S DONE.
SWEAR! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIT’S DONE. IT’S DONE.
ON YOUR MOM! YEAH, ON MY MOM!
♪ HE PULLED THE MIRRORS \h\hOFF HIS CADILLAC ♪
\h♪ ’CAUSE HE DOESN’T LIKE IT LOOKING LIKE HE LOOKS BACK ♪
♪ HE TALKS LIKE HIS OPINION \h\h\h\hIS A SIMPLE FACT ♪
♪ THAT’S HOW IT IS \h\hTILL THE END ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?
RELAX, JOHN. \hYOUR HEART.
\h\hI DON’T HAVE A HEART PROBLEM.
NO, BUT YOU’RE OLD. \h\h\h[ CHUCKLES ]
\h\h\hYOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
\h\h\h\h\hYOU TOLD ME WHEN I TOOK THIS JOB
THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE TO ANSWER TO McCREDLE.
I DIDN’T KNOW THAT YOU WERE GONNA GO OVER BUDGET ON YOUR FIRST SHOT.
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT A MOVIE COSTS. ONLY WHAT IT MAKES.
\h\h\h\h\hTHIS ONE IS GOING TO MAKE --
ARI, I PUT MY REPUTATION \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hON THE LINE
TO GET YOU THIS JOB.
NO, YOU BEGGED ME TO TAKE THIS JOB.
ACTUALLY, YOU BEGGED ME JOB.
\h\h\h\h\h\hAND THEN YOU TOOK YOUR OFFER BACK
AND TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE GOING TO GROOM ME.
FOR ONE YEAR!
AND THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF GROOMING?
THIS IS THE NEW WORLD.
\h\h\hWE’RE ALL IN IT. WE MINIMIZE OUR RISK.
\h\h\h\hAND MAXIMIZE OUR POSITION AS PUSSIES
\hBY KOWTOWING TO COWTIPPERS?
\h\h\hI TOLD YOU, WITH THIS MOVIE,
\h\h\h\hI DIDN’T WANT ANY OF THEIR FUCKING FARM MONEY.
I DIDN’T NEED IT.
THE BOARD DISAGREED.
AND SO DID I.
ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU SPENT \h\hABOUT HOW YOU MADE IT.
\h\h\hSO THIS IS ALL ABOUT VINCE.
\h\h\h\hNOBODY THOUGHT HE HAD ANY BUSINESS DIRECTING THIS FILM,
\h\h\h\h\h\hBUT YOU BULLIED IT THROUGH.
THAT’S WHY YOU WANTED ME TO SUCCEED YOU.
\h\h\hEVERYTHING THROUGH.
\h\hWELL, SEE IT ANY WAY YOU LIKE.
I’M TAKING YOU OFF THIS MOVIE.
\h\h\h\h\hDANA GORDON IS IN CHARGE NOW.
WE MADE A GREAT MOVIE THAT THIS IDIOT IS TRYING TO FUCK UP.
\h\hTHIS IDIOT’S FATHER OWNS HALF THE FUCKING NEGATIVE,
AND YOU KNOW IT.
HE CAN TOSS IT IN THE GARBAGE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIF HE DECIDES TO.
YOU HAVE THE -- \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDANA HAS THIS COVERED.
\h\h\h\h\hYOU STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT!
\h\h\h\hHEY, JOHN, YOU CAN’T DO THIS!
ARI, I JUST DID.
\h\h\h\hYO, E, WHAT THE FUCK?
\h\hI’VE BEEN CALLING YOU FOR AT LEAST TWO HOURS.
\h\h\h\h\hSORRY, MY PHONE’S DEAD.
\h\h\h\h\hYOU CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT I’VE BEEN DEALING WITH.
VINCE, THESE GIRLS OUT HERE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARE CRAZY.
I’M NEVER TOUCHING ANOTHER ONE AGAIN.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHY, BECAUSE OF THIS OR BECAUSE NO ONE’LL LET YOU?
\h\h\h\h\hLOOK, GUYS, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU ALL, BUT RIGHT NOW,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.
WE GOT A REAL PROBLEM WITH THIS TRAVIS GUY,
AND I NEED MY MANAGER-PRODUCER \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBACK NOW, OKAY?
OKAY.
DID ARI TELL YOU WHY HE’S NOT \h\hGONNA RELEASE THE MONEY?
HE DIDN’T LIKE THE MOVIE? WHAT DIDN’T HE LIKE?
IS IT ME?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
TELL ME IT’S NOT ME \h\hHE DIDN’T LIKE.
WHAT KIND OF A SICK, NARCISSISTIC FUCK ARE YOU?
NOT EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS ABOUT YOU.
SERIOUSLY, DRAMA.
\h\h[ THE ROLLING STONES’ "BEAST OF BURDEN" PLAYS ]
JUST CUT ME OUT, \h\h\h\h\h\hBRO.
JOHNNY, STOP.
NO, I GET IT.
JUST CUT ME.
\h\h\h\hTHE GOOD LIFE WASN’T MEANT FOR ME.
\h\h\h\h\hI WAS GIVEN THE GIFT OF DELUSIONAL CONFIDENCE,
\h\h\h\h\hBUT NOT ANY REAL TALENT.
\h\h\hWILL YOU SHUT UP AND PUT THAT SHIT DOWN?
\h\h\hSERIOUSLY. YOU SHOULD BE DRINKING MY TEQUILA ANYWAY.
REAL MEN DRINK WHISKEY, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTURTLE.
\h\h\h\h♪ I’LL NEVER BE YOUR BEAST OF BURDEN ♪
\h♪ MY BACK IS BROAD, BUT IT’S A-HURTIN’ ♪
VINCE.
\h\h\hI DON’T WANT YOU TO FUCK UP YOUR MOVIE BECAUSE OF ME, BRO.
YOU’RE WORTH MORE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAM.
AND I’M FINALLY OKAY WITH THAT.
JOHNNY.
THIS MOVIE IS WHAT IT IS OF YOU.
\hAND ’CAUSE OF E AND EVEN TURTLE.
BECAUSE WE DO THINGS WE LOVE, NOT THINGS SOME RICH PRICK,
WHOSE DADDY GIVES HIM EVERYTHING, TELLS US TO.
YOU’RE REALLY GOOD \h\hIN THIS MOVIE.
TELL HIM, GUYS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI DIDN’T EVEN THINK YOU COULD ACT UNTIL I SAW THIS.
THANKS.
\h\hDON’T WORRY. WE’LL HANDLE IT.
\h\h\h\h\hHEY, AND IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT,
WE CAN ALWAYS MOVE BACK TO QUEENS WITH MA, RIGHT?
\hI DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO QUEENS, BRO!
I’LL HANDLE IT.
I LIKE THE WEATHER OUT HERE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTOO MUCH.
[ RINGTONE PLAYS ]
HELLO? \h\h\h\h\hRANDY: Guess what?
\h\h\h\h\hI KNOW WHO YOU ARE, TARVOLD FROM "VIKING QUEST."
\h\hAND I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!
\hHEY, PAL, GUESS WHAT?
I’M ALREADY DEAD.
SO FUCKIN’ BRING IT!
HEY!
THERE HE IS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTRAVIS. THANKS FOR MAKING THE TIME.
\h\hNO, THANK YOU FOR COMIN’ TO ME.
HOW ARE YOU? \h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU’RE SITTIN’ IN \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hON THIS, TOO?
UH, YEAH.
OKAY.
\hLOOK, I’M REAL SORRY ABOUT EARLIER, VINCE.
BUT THAT ARI JUST WOULDN’T \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLET ME BE HEARD.
HE’S PROBABLY JUST BEING PROTECTIVE OF ME.
HE’S LIKE THAT.
WELL, I’M JUST BEING PROTECTIVE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOF MY MONEY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAT. WE UNDERSTAND THAT.
\h\h\h\h\hI’M SORRY -- I KNOW WE MET BEFORE,
BUT WHAT IS YOUR INVOLVEMENT \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIN THIS, AGAIN?
I’M THE PRODUCER \h\hOF THE MOVIE.
A-AND HE’S MY MANAGER.
OH, YEAH!
Y- UH, UH, YOU WERE THE GUY \h\h\hON "PIERS MORGAN," UH...
SPINNING PIZZA DOUGH, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRIGHT?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hVINCE, Y-YOU TAKE CARE OF MORE PEOPLE THAN RED CROSS, HUH?
I LIKE TO THINK \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hME.
\h\h\h\h\h\hIT’S PROBABLY BEST TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY, YEAH.
UH, SO LISTEN, I’D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE.
I KNOW YOU HAVE SOME ISSUES WITH MY BROTHER.
YEAH.
HE’S NOT GOOD.
[ Chuckling ] WELL... YEAH, I-I DISAGREE.
\h\h\hIT’S PROBABLY ’CAUSE YOU’RE TOO CLOSE TO IT.
\hYOU CAN’T SEE IT CLEARLY ’CAUSE HE’S YOUR BROTHER.
\h\h\h\hAS AN ARTIST, I’M PRETTY UNBIASED.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, WELL, MAYBE THERE’S A BIGGER ISSUE
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAT’S MAKING YOU NOT LIKE HIS CHARACTER, TRAVIS.
I MEAN, HE’S PRETTY PIVOTAL \h\h\h\h\h\h\hIN THE MOVIE,
INCLUDING THE FINAL SCENE.
\h\h\hI DON’T REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD JUST CUT HIM OUT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, I-I THINK THAT BIGGER ISSUE THING MAKES SENSE.
\hOH. D-DID YOU HAVE OTHER PROBLEMS WITH THE MOVIE?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, I DID. I GAVE ARI A WHOLE LIST.
MAYBE YOU COULD BE \h\hMORE SPECIFIC.
\h\h\h\hWELL, Y-YOU’RE PUTTIN’ ME IN AN AWKWARD POSITION HERE, VINCE,
\h\h\h\h’CAUSE NOT ONLY ARE YOU THE DIRECTOR,
YOU’RE THE STAR \hOF THE THING.
I-IT’S OKAY. I WON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY.
\h\h\h\hWITH A MOVIE, THERE ARE SO MANY PARTS
THAT HAVE TO COME TOGETHER, SO TELL ME,
\hWHAT EXACTLY WAS IT THAT YOU DIDN’T LIKE?
UH, WELL...
OKAY.
ASIDE FROM YOUR BROTHER...
YOU.
OH. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hUNDERSTAND, THIS IS \hREALLY STRANGE FOR ME, VINCE,
’CAUSE I REALLY AM A BIG FAN OF YOURS.
I’M PROBABLY THE ONLY PERSON \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIN THE WHOLE WORLD
WHO LIKED THAT "MEDELLIN" THING \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAT YOU DID.
BUT, WITH THIS, \h\h\hYOU KNOW,
IT’S LIKE YOU WERE TRYING TO DO \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHIS KOOKY THING,
\h\h\h\hLIKE JOHNNY DEPP DID IN -- IN "PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN."
\h\h\h\hNOW, WHAT HE DID, HE WENT OUT ON A LIMB.
AND IT COULD’VE BEEN STUPID, \h\hBUT, GOD, IT -- IT WORKED.
WHAT YOU DID HERE, THOUGH, \h\h\h\h\hIT -- IT JUST DIDN’T.
AND MAYBE THAT’S ’CAUSE \hYOU DIRECTED THE THING
AND ALL YOU HAD WAS YOUR BUDDY \h\h\hLOOKIN’ OVER YOUR SHOULDER.
\h\h\hYOU DON’T HAVE ANYONE WHO CAN COME IN AND SAY,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"HEY, THIS IS GETTIN’ KIND OF FUCKED UP AND GOOFY."
\h\h\h\h\h\hBUT IT MOST CERTAINLY WAS.
YOU SHOULD HAVE PUNCHED HIM \hRIGHT IN THE FUCKIN’ FACE.
\h\hOH, BELIEVE ME, I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTOO CLOSE TO IT. MAYBE I DO SUCK.
PSSSH.
YOU KNOW WHAT, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hBRO?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIF YOU DO, AT LEAST WE SUCK TOGETHER.
\hIT’S GOOD, RIGHT, BABY?
YES, ARI.
YOU LIKE IT?
YES.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBUT DO YOU LOVE IT? I LOVE IT.
YOU WOULDN’T LIE TO ME, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWOULD YOU?
NO. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hALL RIGHT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHEN SAY IT AGAIN. I LOVE IT, ARI.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHEN SAY IT AGAIN, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHONEY. I LOVE IT!
\hIT’S THE BEST MOVIE VINCE HAS EVER DONE!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH. NOW CAN WE FINISH?
THE MEDS ARE STILL IN ME, BABY. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’M NOT SURE I CAN.
THEN GET OFF, ’CAUSE I WAS DONE, LIKE, 20 MINUTES AGO.
[ SIGHS ]
I’M SORRY.
\hIT’S THIS KID. HE’S KILLIN’ ME.
I KNOW I HAVEN’T BEEN GREAT \h\h\h\h\h\h\hTO YOU LATELY, BABY,
\h\h\h\h\h\hBUT YOU KNOW THAT I DIDN’T COME BACK TO WORK FOR THE MONEY.
\h\h\h\hI CAME BACK TO LEAVE A LEGACY.
\h\h\h\h\hTO MAKE MY FAMILY PROUD.
AND I WANT TO GO OUT \h\hON MY OWN TERMS,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND THIS KID IS TRYING TO HOBBLE ME.
LIKE TONYA HARDING.
AND I CAN’T HAVE IT, \h’CAUSE HE’S WRONG.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDRAMA SUCKING, I COULD’VE MAYBE BOUGHT THAT.
BUT VINCE? NO.
I’M A MILLION PERCENT SURE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHE IS WRONG.
IT’S JUST HIS OPINION.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
\h\h\h\h♪ WE FLY HIGH, NO LIE, YOU KNOW THIS ♪
♪ BALLIN’ ♪
\hTHANKS, HECTOR. I WON’T BE LONG.
\h\h\h\h\hWHAT, ARI, NO SUIT? NOT TONIGHT, DV.
♪ WE STAY FLY, NO LIE, \h\hAND YOU KNOW THIS ♪
♪ BALLIN’ ♪
\h\h♪ HIPS AND THIGHS, OH, MY, STAY FOCUSED ♪
\h\h\h\hWHO TOLD YOU WHERE I WAS STAYIN’?
MY OFFICE BOOKED YOUR ROOM \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR YOU.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCAN I COME IN? NO.
’CAUSE YOU HAVEN’T RETURNED \h\h\hANY OF MY FUCKIN’ CALLS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARI, I HAVE PEOPLE HERE.
I DON’T MIND.
OH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDIDN’T REALIZE YOU WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORK SESSION.
[ SCOFFS ]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMAYBE I SHOULD CALL SECURITY
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hASS DRAGGED OUT OF HERE.
\h\h\h\hHOW’D YOU LIKE THAT? HEY, I AM SORRY \h\hABOUT THAT,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBUT WE DO HAVE WHAT ARE KNOWN AS PROTOCOLS.
\h\h\h\h\h\hEVEN IN THIS LAWLESS TOWN.
\h\h\h\h\hMY FATHER WANTS TO SHOOT YOU.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, WE COULD HAVE A MEXICAN STANDOFF, THEN.
BECAUSE AFTER LOOKING \h\h\hAT YOUR LONG LIST
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMOVIE, I WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF,
\h\h\h\hBECAUSE THEY DON’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.
I AGREE.
WITH WHAT?
I’M GRASPIN’ AT STRAWS HERE, ARI.
\h\h\hI-I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIX MY PROBLEMS.
VINCENT CHASE IS GREAT \h\h\h\h\hIN THIS MOVIE.
BULLSHIT. HE SUCKS.
\hHIS TOO-PRETTY FACE RUINS THE FUCKIN’ THING.
IT’S DISTRACTING.
HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA FIX HIS FACE WITH EDITING?
I GUESS I’M NOT.
WHICH IS WHY I TOLD MY FATHER WE SHOULD JUST BITE THE BULLET,
PUT SOME MORE MONEY \hINTO THIS THING,
AND RESHOOT IT WITH NEW ACTORS AND A DIFFERENT DIRECTOR.
[ LAUGHS ] RESHOOT?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA \hWHAT THAT’LL COST?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJOB TO FIGURE OUT.
BUT I’LL BET THAT THERE’S A CHEAP WAY TO DO IT DIGITALLY.
HELL, I SAW TUPAC SHAKUR IN CONCERT LAST YEAR.
THAT GUY’S BEEN DEAD 20 YEARS.
[ CAN HISSES ]
YOU HAD NO PROBLEM WITH VINCE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAT THE PARTY.
A FAN, EVEN.
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?
\h\h\h\hI DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKIN’ ABOUT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKIN’ ABOUT, ARI,
BUT IF YOU DON’T LEAVE RIGHT NOW,
\hI REALLY WILL CALL SECURITY.
COME ON, THIS GUY’S REALLY GONNA SCREW UP A $100 MILLION MOVIE
\h\h\h\h\h’CAUSE OF A PERSONAL PROBLEM?
THAT’S WHAT ARI SAYS.
HE SAYS HE WANTS TO REPLACE ME WITH A HOLOGRAM.
CAN THEY EVEN DO THAT?
\h\h\hI WAS REPLACED WITH A DIGITAL CHARACTER ONCE.
\h\h\h\hBUT THAT WAS BEFORE FILMING BEGAN.
I MEAN, WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE DONE TO THIS GUY?
DID YOU SHAKE HANDS \h\hWHEN YOU MET HIM?
\h\hTHESE SOUTHERNERS ARE REAL PARTICULAR ABOUT THEIR MANNERS.
I THINK SO.
OH, BOY. ARMIE HAMMER, \h\h\h\hTWELVE O’CLOCK.
OH, GOOD GOD.
\h\hYO, VINNIE CHASE. THE DEEJAY FROM HELL.
WHAT’S UP, ARMIE?
WHAT’S UP?
\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU KNOW THAT I WAS DATING EMILY, RIGHT?
EMILY?
\h\h\h\h\hI THOUGHT YOU GUYS BROKE UP.
\h\h\h\h\hI DON’T SEE HOW THAT FUCKIN’ MATTERS.
NO, THIS ISN’T THE TIME OR THE PLACE, BUT...
JUST KNOW THAT I WILL ENJOY SNEAKING UP BEHIND YOU
AND SNATCHIN’ THE FUCKIN’ LIFE OUT OF YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT, RIGHT, DRAMA?
\h\h\h\h\hYOU GUYS ENJOY YOUR SALADS.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, THAT WAS AWKWARD.
HE’S A LOT BIGGER \hTHAN I THOUGHT.
WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST TELL HIM \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIT WASN’T TRUE?
TRUE.
REALLY? SINCE WHEN?
SINCE AFTER THE SCREENING.
I WENT OVER THERE \h\h\h\h\h\hLATER
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAFTER SHE WAS DONE WATCHING THE MOVIE WITH TRAVIS.
WHAT?
A GIRL? THIS WHOLE THING \hIS OVER A FUCKIN’ GIRL?
\h\h\h\hYOU GUYS ARE BEING CRAZY.
\h\hI CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WERE WITH EMILY
AND YOU DIDN’T TELL US. WHY WOULD I TELL YOU?
’CAUSE MOST OF THE FUN OF BEING WITH A GIRL THAT HOT
\hIS THAT YOU GET TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTURTLE, I THINK WE DEFINE "FUN" DIFFERENTLY.
I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS.
BELIEVE WHAT?
THERE’S NO WAY TRAVIS COULD POSSIBLY
KNOW ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY -- NO WAY.
WHY NOT?
\hHE PROBABLY WAITED OUTSIDE OF HER HOUSE
AFTER SHE GOT RID OF HIM.
WE’RE THE ONLY ONES \h\h\h\hDUMB ENOUGH
\h\h\hTO NOT REALIZE YOU’D GO OVER THERE.
\h\h\h\h\hCOME ON. THAT’S RIDICULOUS.
YOU DON’T THINK HE DRIVES \h\h\h\hA YELLOW LAMBORGHINI?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHE DOES. HE HAD IT ON THE LOT. WHY?
JESUS FUCK.
YOU COULDN’T JUST HOLD OFF \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hONE NIGHT?
\h\hWE’RE A YEAR INTO THIS THING.
SERIOUSLY, VIN. AND THIS MOVIE’S 20 YEARS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, AND GIVE ME A LIFE.
\h\h\h\h\hI HOPE SHE WAS WORTH IT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGUYS, ARE YOU REALLY TELLIN’ ME
\hYOU THINK I SHOULD’VE STAYED AWAY FROM HER BECAUSE OF HIM?
\h\h\h\h\h\hI MEAN, IS THAT WHO WE ARE?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI WOULD’VE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBANGED HER. YEAH, ME, TOO.
\h\h\h\hWIFE MIGHT EVEN GIVE ME A PASS FOR HER.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAH, FUCK HIM. NO, SERIOUSLY. \h\hFUCK HIM.
\h\h\h\hALL RIGHT, WE DON’T NEED HIM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPUT UP THE $8 MILLION WE NEED.
HOW MUCH FUCKIN’ MONEY \h\hDID THIS GUY MAKE?
VIN, I’M SERIOUS, AND IT’S NOT JUST ’CAUSE I LOVE YOU.
IT’S ’CAUSE I LOVE THIS MOVIE. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI APPRECIATE IT, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTURTLE,
BUT I CAN’T LET YOU DO THAT -- \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPUT UP THE MONEY.
I’LL SPLIT IT WITH YOU. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHANK YOU.
I’M STRAPPED, BRO.
\hALL THE LOVE IN THIS ROOM IS REALLY FUCKIN’ TOUCHING,
BUT YOU CAN’T DO IT -- IT’S McCREDLE’S MOVIE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHE DOESN’T NEED \h\h\h\h\h\h\hOR WANT YOUR MONEY. SO THAT’S IT?
NO. I WILL HANDLE THIS, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hAS USUAL. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHOW?
DON’T WORRY, CARROT BOTTOM. \h\h\h\hI GOT IDEAS. LATER!
LATER. LATER. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLATER.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI CAN’T BELIEVE THERE’S NOTHIN’ WE CAN DO.
\h\h\h\h\hI GOT AN AUDITION AT 3:00. WHO WANTS TO RUN LINES WITH ME?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNAH. NO WAY. NOT A CHANCE.
[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]
\h\h\hAH, RONDA FINALLY ANSWERED MY TEXT.
\h\h\h\hREALLY? WHAT’D SHE SAY?
\h\h\h\hSHE SAID, "IF YOU WANT TO APOLOGIZE,
DO IT IN PERSON, \h\hLIKE A MAN."
\h\h\h\h\hYOU GUYS WANT TO COME WITH?
SURE.
\h\h\hYOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR UNIVERSE, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIF YOU CONTROL YOUR OWN PHYSICAL UNIVERSE.
I WILL SOLVE THIS PROBLEM.
CALMNESS AND CONTROL OF BREATH \h\h\h\h\hARE KEYS TO SUCCESS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOM. I WILL FIGURE THIS OUT.
\h\hPUT FEAR TO THE SIDE, FOR FEAR WILL CONQUER YOU.
OM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI WILL LET NO MAN SEE THE DARKNESS INSIDE OF ME.
[ RINGTONE PLAYING ]
OM.
\h\h\h\hI WILL LEARN HOW TO STOP THIS FUCKING PHONE
\h\h\h\h\hFROM OVERTAKING MY FUCKING CALMING CD!
WHAT?!
ABOUT THE WEDDING, ARI.
Lloyd, I’ve got bigger problems
THAN WHO’S GONNA GIVE YOU AWAY \h\hAT YOUR BIG FAT GAY WEDDING.
CALL YOUR BOYS AT GRINDR. I’M SURE THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT.
\h\h\h\hLISTEN, ARI, I JUST GOT FINISHED TALKING
TO A CLASSROOM OF 8th GRADERS
\h\habout the future of the agenting business.
AND AS I LOOKED AT THEIR LITTLE FACES, IT HIT ME --
\h\hMY FATHER IS NOT COMING TO MY WEDDING.
THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLLOYD.
\h\h\h\h\hDO YOU KNOW WHY HE’S NOT COMING?
I don’t care.
IT’S BECAUSE HE HASN’T SPOKEN TO ME SINCE I CAME OUT.
HE DIDN’T KNOW \hBEFORE THAT?
WHO IS HE, THE GUY FROM \h\h\h\h"THE CRYING GAME"?
YOU’RE THE CLOSEST THING I HAVE TO A FATHER NOW, ARI.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLLOYD! I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS.
NOT WHILE I’M TRYING TO FIGURE \h\h\hOUT HOW TO SAVE THIS MOVIE,
\hWHICH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT INVESTMENT I HAVE EVER MADE.
You invest in people, Ari, not product.
THAT’S WHY I HAVE SUCCEEDED, AND THAT’S WHY YOU WILL.
Oh, and, Ari? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHAT?
I LOVE YOU.
FUCK!
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
FUCK!
\h\h\h[ X AMBASSADORS’ "ENTREPRENEURS" PLAYS ]
\h\h\h\h\hSTILL TIME TO LEAVE. I DON’T THINK SHE SAW YOU YET.
OOPS!
TOO LATE.
HEY, RONDA.
HEY, TURTLE.
WHAT, DO YOU BRING YOUR BACKUP DANCERS WITH YOU EVERYWHERE?
SORRY, VINCE.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE...
WHAT IS THERE, REALLY, TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT?
\hYEAH, I DIDN’T WANT YA TO HAVE THE WRONG IDEA.
\h\h\h\h\hAND WHAT WAS THE RIGHT IDEA?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI WANTED... YEAH, I WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT.
SO, THEN, WHY THIS TALK ABOUT US DOING BUSINESS?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJU-- BECAUSE THIS GUY GOT IN MY HEAD, ALL RIGHT,
TELLIN’ ME THAT THERE’S NO WAY YOU’D BE INTERESTED IN ME, AND --
\h\hNOT VERY MANLY TO LET ANOTHER GUY
INFLUENCE WHAT YOU DO \h\hWITH A LADY, BRO.
’SPECIALLY THIS GUY.
[ LAUGHTER ] \hVince: LISTEN, RONDA.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTURTLE’S SHY, AND HE REALLY LIKES YOU.
PROMISE, HE COULD CARE LESS \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hABOUT BUSINESS.
EVERYONE IN THIS TOWN HAS AN ANGLE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI DON’T. I REALLY, REALLY DON’T.
SO LET ME PROVE IT TO YOU. \h\h\hWHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
\h\h\h\h\hYOU WANT TO TAKE ME IN THE RING?
I’LL LET YOU BEAT ME UP \h\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR A ROUND.
LET ME?
YOU KNOW, HE DOES BOX AND DO SOME CARDIO.
\h\hI MEANT, LIKE, I WON’T FIGHT BACK.
\hYOU COULDN’T LAST 30 SECONDS WITH ME
\hIF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.
OOH. \h\h\h\h\h\hOOH.
I COULD REALLY HURT YOU, TURTLE.
SO I LAST THIRTY SECONDS,
YOU LET ME TAKE YOU OUT \h\h\h\h\hON A PROPER DATE.
\hLAST SIXTY SECONDS, AND I’LL LET YOU FUCK ME.
[ LAUGHS ]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ BELL DINGS ] \h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ TOM MORELLO’S "KING OF THE JUNGLE" PLAYS ]
HOW MUCH TIME?! \h\h\h\hTHREE SECONDS!
WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hANYTHING!
Ronda: PRAY!
SHE’S GOT THE ARMBAR! THAT’S NOT GOOD!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTAP OUT, TURTLE! TIME?
FIFTEEN SECONDS! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTURTLE! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTAP OUT!
TAP OR I’LL BREAK IT.
HOW MUCH TIME?
TEN SECONDS!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDO YOU THINK \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’M BLUFFING? TAP OUT!
YOU WON’T DO IT! IT ISN’T WORTH IT, \h\h\h\h\h\hTURTLE.
DON’T TAP OUT!
RONDA, I DON’T QUIT.
\h\h\h\hI JUST WANTED TO TAKE YOU TO DINNER!
FINE!
[ POP! ] \h\h\hOH!
[ SCREAMING ]
UGH.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
LARSEN McCREDLE’S OFFICE.
IT’S ARI GOLD AGAIN.
MR. GOLD, I HAVE TOLD YOU \h\h\h\h20 TIMES ALREADY,
MR. McCREDLE IS UNAVAILABLE \h\h\h\hTO SPEAK WITH YOU.
AND I TOLD YOU 20 TIMES I NEED TO SPEAK WITH HIM.
WHERE’S DANA? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMEETING.
TRY HIM AGAIN AND TELL HIM
\hIT’S AN EMERGENCY REGARDING HIS SON.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY \h\h\hWITH TRAVIS?
Have you seen the movie "Taken"? YES.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHINK OF ME AS THE LIAM NEESON CHARACTER
\hAND MR. McCREDLE IS MY TARGET IF I DON’T HEAR BACK FROM HIM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHAVE YOU HEARD BACK \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFROM DANA? \hSHE’S STILL IN THAT MEETING.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHAT MEETING? LAURA DIDN’T KNOW.
\hHAVE YOU TRIED JOHN ELLIS AGAIN?
\h\hYES. APPARENTLY, HE’S IN THE SAME MEETING.
THINK THE TEXAS MONEY GUY’S IN TOWN.
AND YOU DON’T THINK
\hTHIS IS INFORMATION THAT I COULD’VE USED?
WHERE IS THIS MEETING?
I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY. \h\h\h\hI CAN CALL DANA.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHERE’S THE FUCKING MEETING?
\h\hJOHN’S HOUSE IN SANTA BARBARA.
SHOULD I TELL THEM \h\hYOU’RE COMING?
NOPE!
\hTELL THEM TO BUILD A BIG FUCKIN’ BOMB SHELTER.
Chad Lowe: NO, I DIDN’T STUDY \h\h\h\h\hTHESE DANCE MOVES.
I WAS BORN WITH THEM.
NO, I DIDN’T -- I DIDN’T STUDY THESE DANCE MOVES.
AHHH.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hEURIPIDES. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hEURIPIDES. UH...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAESCHYLUS, AES-- \h...CAN YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF, PLEASE?
UH, IT’S MY PROCESS, \h\h\h\h\h\hASSHOLE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hEURIPIDES. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAESCHYLUS. DOUCHEBAG.
\h\h\h\hLEMONA, LUMINA, LINO-- LEMONA, LUMINUM, LINOLEUM. \h[ RINGTONE PLAYS ]
YEAH, HEY, MOM.
\h\h\h\hNO, I’M JUST ON THIS LAME AUDITION
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWITH A BUNCH OF SHITHEADS.
YEP.
JOHNNY CHASE? YEAH.
YOU’RE NEXT.
\h\h\h\h\h\hOH. DON’T FUCK THIS UP, DRAMA.
FUCK YOU. WE KNOW YOU WILL.
JIMMY CHASE IS NEXT.
\h\h\h\hHEY. HEY, RICHARD.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE DOIN’ THIS. \h\h\hYEAH.
\h\hTHAT’S GREAT. NOW I’M EXCITED.
AH, THANKS. WELL, UH, THANKS FOR COMIN’ IN, JIMMY.
"JIMMY"?
NO?
OH. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNO.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJOHNNY. THAT’S MY FAULT.
\hI’M SO SORRY. IT’S "JOHNNY."
SORRY, JOHNNY. I TOLD HIM "JIMMY," I’M --
THERE WAS A JIMMY IN HERE EARLIER.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI THINK THAT’S WHAT IT WAS.
He’s Vinnie Chase’s \h\h\h\h\hbrother.
I know.
No. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah.
YOU’RE VINNIE CHASE’S BROTHER?
YEAH. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWOW.
YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE HIM. NOT EVEN A LITTLE.
\h\h\h\hYOU KNOW, WE’VE MET BEFORE.
WE HAVE?
YEAH. "WEST WING."
\h\hOH. DID YOU DO AN EPISODE?
NO, I GOT CAST \hIN THE PILOT.
\h\hAND THEN REPLACED AFTER THE TABLE READ.
HUH.
\hWELL, YOU MISSED A PRETTY GOOD RUN.
UH-HUH.
\h\h\h\h\h\hANY NOTES BEFORE I GET STARTED?
\h\h\h\h\h\hNOPE. NO NOTES, JOHNNY.
SO WHENEVER YOU’RE READY, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJOHNNY,
\hSARAH’S GONNA READ WITH YOU.
[ YELLS ]
OKAY.
DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL \h\h\h\h\hFOR DANCE?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, MY GOD. WHAT?
I’M SORRY. \hNOTHING.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJUST KEEP -- \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hKEEP GOING. WHAT?
DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL \h\h\h\h\hFOR DANCE?
\h\hJohnny: NO, I DIDN’T STUDY THESE DANCE MOVES.
I WAS BORN WITH THEM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, MY GOD! WHAT?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSORRY, JOHNNY, HONESTLY, WE’RE GETTING ALL THIS ON TAPE,
\hAND IT’S GREAT, SO JUST KEEP READING WITH SARAH.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSARAH, JUST KEEP -- YEAH. SARAH, KEEP GOIN’.
WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF \h\h\h\h\h\h\hAS FLEXIBLE?
WELL, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I AM PRETTY LIMBER.
\h\h\h\hMan: JESUS CHRIST!
ARE YOU GUYS JOKING?
I’M TRYIN’ TO ACT HERE.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT THAT’S SO IMPORTANT?
WE’RE LOOKIN’ AT YOU, JOHNNY.
WE’RE LOOKING AT YOU.
\h\h\h\hARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE PENAL CODE IN THIS COUNTY?
HERE’S THE GOOD NEWS --
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, YEAH. \h\h\hI WON’T EVER FORGET YOU AGAIN.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTMZ PRESENTS: RAW EMOTION WITH JOHNNY CHASE.
OH, YEAH. OHHH.
\hWE GOT A SEX TAPE FROM A HUGE STAR...
’S BROTHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, YOU LIKE THAT?
HE WAS HAVING A VIDEO CHAT \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWITH THIS GIRL,
IT TURNED INTO SEX,
HER BOYFRIEND POSTED IT UP \h\h\hTO REVENGE GIRLFRIENDS.
AND, CUT TO THE CHASE!
[ SCREAMING, MOANING ]
[ THE VIOLENT FEMMES’ \h"ADD IT UP" PLAYS ]
OH, MY FUCKING GOD.
OH, GOOD MERCIFUL GOD.
OH, YEAH, BABE.
OH, MY GOD. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, YEAH!
[ GASPS ] OH, GOD.
\h\h\hTHAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, MY GOD. I KNOW THIS FUCKING KID.
OH, MY GOD.
EWW.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD!
[ HORNS HONKING ]
OVER HERE, JOHNNY! WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN’ AT?
HOW ’BOUT I SHOVE THAT CAMERA \h\h\h\h\h\hUP YOUR ASS, HUH?
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT? \h\h\hTHERE! RIGHT THERE!
\hSTOP FUCKIN’ LOOKIN’ AT ME.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT?
YOU GOT A PROBLEM?
STOP LOOKIN’ AT ME.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST IGNORED ME YESTERDAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI WASN’T IGNORING YOU. HE WASN’T IGNORING YOU.
\h\h\h\hSO -- OH, REALLY? WE’RE ALL GONNA DO THIS?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOKAY. HE DIDN’T RESPOND.
HE HAD SOME CRAZY THINGS HAPPEN YESTERDAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWELL, HE DIDN’T CALL ME TODAY.
YOU PROBABLY SHOULD’VE CALLED TODAY, E.
WELL, I DIDN’T KNOW \h\h\hWHAT TO SAY.
HE DIDN’T KNOW \hWHAT TO SAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR SIX MONTHS, HE BEGS ME TO TAKE HIM BACK.
\h\h\h\h\hNOW I SAY I’M WILLING TO TRY,
\hAND HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY?
SHE’S GOT A LOT OF ANGER \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTOWARDS ME.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU SHOULD SAVE THIS FOR LATER.
I SAID I’LL KEEP TRYING \h\h\h\hTO GET OVER IT.
HE’S RIGHT. MAYBE WE SHOULD \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSAVE IT TILL LATER.
NO, I THINK WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THIS NOW.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMAYBE I SHOULDN’T BE HERE.
WHY NOT?
YOU’VE BEEN HERE FOR EVERYTHING \h\h\hELSE BUT THE CONCEPTION.
\h\h\hGOOD POINT. E, SAY SOMETHIN’.
STOP.
LOOK, SLOAN, I LOVE YOU, OKAY? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU KNOW THAT.
AND THERE’S NOBODY ELSE \h\h\h\hI’D RATHER BE WITH.
BUT THERE’S NO MORE \h\h\h\h\h\hTRYING.
YOU’RE EITHER OVER THE PAST \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOR YOU’RE NOT.
YO! GUESS WHO’S GOT \h\h\hTHE STRONGEST
\h\h\h\h\hBONES IN THE ASSANTE FAMILY?
NO BREAK? NOPE. TORN LABRUM.
BUT DINNER WITH RONDA IS ON.
\h\h\h\hSO, SLOAN, ANY WAY WE CAN GET THIS LABOR PROCESS CRANKIN’?
REALLY?
OH, SEE WHAT I’M SAYIN’? LET’S GO! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTURTLE, MOVE IT. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLET’S GO!
YOU GUYS WERE STOPPED.
[ NOREAGA’S "SUPERTHUG" PLAYS ]
♪ WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ♪
♪ WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, \hWHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ♪
♪ AIYYO, WE LIGHT A CANDLE ♪
\h\h♪ RUN LAPS AROUND THE ENGLISH CHANNEL ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ NEPTUNES, I GOT A COCKER SPANIEL ♪
♪ WE ON THE RUN NOW, YO, \h\hIT AIN’T NO FUN NOW ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ AND WHERE I GO, YOU NIGGAS CAN’T EVEN COME NOW ♪
♪ YOU AIN’T THE LORD, NIGGA, \h\hBREAK IT, I DON’T CARE ♪
\h\h♪ AND WHEN YA GET CAUGHT, REMEMBER THAT I DON’T CARE ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ N.O.R.E., NOTHIN’ BUT THE ATMOSPHERE ♪
♪ YO, FOR NOW WE ON THE RUN, \h\hYO, IF THAT AIN’T CLEAR ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARI, ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?
YOU CAN’T LAND THERE!
AH, BUT, JOHN, \h\hI JUST DID.
HELLO.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMUST NOT HAVE GOTTEN MY INVITE.
WOW.
I KNOW ALL OF YOU.
MR. TISCH, WE SHARED A SUITE \h\h\h\h\hAT THE SUPER BOWL.
MUST NOT BE THE DIFFERENCE MAKER THAT YOU CLAIMED.
MELDMAN, ALL THOSE NIGHTS \h\h\h\h\h\h\hIN CABO...
MEANINGLESS.
LARSEN, YOU MUST NOT HAVE GOTTEN ALL MY MESSAGES.
AND YOU MUST BE A LOT TOUGHER THAN YOU LOOK.
OKAY, THIS ROOM IS GONNA BE EVEN MORE HOSTILE THAN I THOUGHT.
\h\h\hWHICH IS INTERESTING, BECAUSE I HEARD THE PURPOSE
OF THIS MEETING WAS TO FIRE ME.
WHERE’D YOU HEAR THAT?
I HEARD IT UP HERE, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hJOHN.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNOT FROM YOU, WHO I’VE KNOWN FOR 20 YEARS.
NOT FROM YOU, DANA, \hWHO I USED TO --
ANYWAY, YOU WANT TO FIRE ME BECAUSE MR. McCREDLE’S SON
[LAUGHS]
DOESN’T LIKE THE MOVIE \h\h\h\h\hTHAT I MADE.
\h\h\hWELL, I DON’T THINK YOU KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.
OH, REALLY, GOLD?
WELL, I CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR THE FUCKIN’ FAIRY TALE YOU SPIN.
ME, TOO.
SHUT UP, TRAVIS.
TRAVIS DOESN’T REALLY \h\h\hHATE THE MOVIE.
HE HATES VINCE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDAD, HE’S SO \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFULL OF SHIT. WHAT’D I SAY?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWHY DO -- \h\h\h\hDO YOU WANT A BOOT UP YOUR ASS?
NO.
NOW, I HAVE A SON, \hSO THIS IS HARD.
WELL, SPEAK, GOD DAMN IT.
\h\h\h\h\hTHIS WHOLE THING IS OVER A GIRL.
WHAT GIRL? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDAD!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHE SHOW -- I -- SHUT UP!
WHAT FUCKING GIRL, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hGOLD?
EMILY RATAJKOWSKI.
OHHH, I LIKE HER.
I DO, TOO.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S TALKIN’ ABOUT.
OH, COME ON, TRAVIS.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
\h\h\h\hTHAT YOU DIDN’T SIT OUTSIDE HER HOUSE,
AFTER SHE TOLD YOU \h\h\h\hGOOD NIGHT,
JUST WAITING TO SEE IF VINCE SHOWED UP?
HE FUCKIN’ SNUCK IN THERE \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAFTER ME.
\h\h\h\hI PUT IN A WHOLE NIGHT W--
WOW.
I WASN’T EVEN 100% SURE \h\h\h\h\hI WAS RIGHT.
YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hTRAVIS.
THAT’S WHAT MOVIE STARS \hARE SUPPOSED TO DO --
WALK INTO ROOMS AND FUCK GIRLS \h\h\h\h\hTHAT CIVILIANS WANT.
\h\h\h\h\hTHAT’S WHY THEY’RE MOVIE STARS.
YOU CAUSIN’ TROUBLE \hOVER PUSSY AGAIN?
DAD, THIS IS OUR MONEY.
WE FINANCED THIS FILM.
\h\h\hAND I DON’T THINK THAT THAT PRETTY BOY OUT THERE
SHOULD BE ALLOWED \hTO SHIT ON ME.
WAIT OUTSIDE.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YES, GOD DAMN IT. \h\hWAIT OUTSIDE.
I’M REAL SORRY \h\hABOUT THAT.
UM, I HAVE A COPY \h\hOF THE MOVIE.
VINNIE CHASE’S UNFINISHED CUT.
\h\hI THINK IF YOU TAKE A LOOK AT IT,
\h\h\h\h\hYOU’RE GONNA SEE THAT YOUR MONEY IS IN SECURE HANDS.
I SAW IT LAST NIGHT, LARSEN.
\h\h\h\h\hREALLY? WHAT’D YOU THINK?
IT’S AMAZING.
[ LAUGHS ]
I TOLD YOU.
Larsen: WELL, I DON’T NEED \h\h\h\hTO SEE THE DAMN MOVIE.
\h\hYOU PEOPLE DO WHAT YOU DO,
BUT, UH, IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SEE MORE OF MY MONEY,
HE STILL HAS TO GO.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLARSEN, YOU HEARD WHAT HAPPENED.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWHAT I HEARD IS THIS MAN TREATED MY SON
LIKE A HORSE’S ASS, \h\h\hWHICH HE IS.
BUT THAT’S NOT REALLY \h\h\h\h\h\hTHE POINT.
YOU SAID YOU HAVE A SON, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGOLD?
\h\hI DO. HE’S 12.
\h\hWELL, I HOPE WHEN HE GROWS UP,
HE’S NOT A COMPLETE AND UTTER \h\h\hFUCKIN’ BUFFOON LIKE MINE.
BUT JUST IN CASE \h\h\h\h\hHE IS,
I HOPE THE PEOPLE THAT RESPECT YOU
AT LEAST PRETEND \hTO RESPECT HIM.
I CAN’T BELIEVE \h\h\hA WEBSITE
\hWOULD ACTUALLY POST SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
\h\hTHEY POSTED IT AS "SEE VINCENT CHASE’S BROTHER
\h\h\h\h\h\hSPANK IT AT VINCENT CHASE’S POOL."
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAT WAS MY POOL? MINE.
OH, WELL. I GUESS A SEX TAPE WORKED FOR PARIS AND KIM.
\h\h\h\hMAYBE IT’LL DO GOOD FOR JOHNNY.
AH, NAH, VIN. A GIRL PLAYIN’ WITH HERSELF IS ONE THING.
\h\h\hDRAMA DOING IT, IT’S A WHOLE HORRIFYING OTHER.
ABSOLUTELY THE MOST VILE, \h\h\h\hDISGUSTING THING
\hI HAVE EVER FUCKIN’ SEEN.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOKAY, SHAUNA. HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HIM?
NO -- NO, WHY? IS HE MISSING?
CALLED HIM LIKE TEN TIMES. \h\h\h\h\hHE WON’T PICK UP.
TRY HIM AGAIN, \h\h\h\hPLEASE?
I CAN GET HIS FACE \hON A MILK CARTON.
YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.
DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI’M HERE BECAUSE I CAN’T CALM DOWN,
\hAND I NEED TO SEE THE DOCTOR,
WHO CAN HOPEFULLY \h\hCALM ME DOWN.
MR. CHASE, HE IS IN WITH SOMEONE.
OH, IS HE IN WITH SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN COMIN’ HERE FOR 15 YEARS?
\hSOMEBODY WHO HAD TO SCRAPE UP LOOSE CHANGE
\h\h\hWHEN INSURANCE WOULDN’T PAY HIS BILL?
IS HE IN WITH SOMEONE WHOSE LIFE IS IN COMPLETE SHAMBLES?
ARE YOU SUICIDAL?
OH, MY GOD.
I DON’T KNOW.
\h\h\h\hWELL, IF YOU AREN’T -- I AM!
\hOKAY, LET -- LET ME CALL 911
\h\h\h\h\hAND HAVE AN AMBULANCE COME.
\h\hNO, NO, NO. DON’T DO THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT?
WHAT?
WHAT’S ON YOUR SCREEN?
NOTHING.
OH, JESUS CHRIST.
I’M A DEAD MAN!
I NEED THE DOCTOR.
\h\h\hDOC FELDMAN. IT’S JOHNNY CHASE.
\h\h\h\h\hI’VE BEEN A PATIENT OF YOURS
SINCE YOU WERE WORKIN’ THAT FUCKIN’ STRIP MALL IN SHERMAN OAKS.
I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW, GOD DAMN IT,
SO GET YOUR ASS \h\h\hOUT HERE.
I’M DYIN’.
PUT THE PHONE DOWN.
SORRY.
[ RINGTONE PLAYS ]
MOTHERFUCK.
\hWHAT, TURTLE? WHAT? WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CALLING?
I CAN’T TALK RIGHT NOW.
WHAT?
REALLY?
JOHNNY, WHAT THE HELL \h\h\h\h\hIS GOIN’ ON?
NOTHIN’, DOC. \h\hALL GOOD.
\h\h\h\h[ THE NATIONAL’S "I NEED MY GIRL" PLAYS ]
I’M HAVIN’ A BABY.
♪ I AM GOOD, I AM GROUNDED ♪
♪ DAVY SAYS THAT I LOOK TALLER ♪
\h\hCONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE A BRAND-NEW BABY GIRL.
AH.
THANK YOU.
SHE’S AMAZING.
\h\h\hSHE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
♪ ...MY GIRL ♪
♪ I NEED MY GIRL ♪
[ ERIC CLAPS ] \hRYAN MURPHY,
\h6 POUNDS 4 OUNCES, BORN 19 MINUTES AGO.
Shauna: YES!
YOU’RE A DADDY! GET OVER HERE.
OH. CONGRATS. AH, CONGRATULATIONS!
\h\h\h\h\hTHANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL -- HOW’S SLOAN?
SHE’S OVER IT.
YEAH?
YEAH.
DO WE HAVE OURSELVES \h\h\h\h\h\h\hA BABY?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBECAUSE IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS,
WHAT THE FUCK ELSE \h\h\h\h\hMATTERS?
\h\h\hWE GOT A BABY GIRL!
YOU’RE KIDDING. \h\h\h\h\hNAME?
RYAN.
RYAN MURPHY?
YEAH, YOU LIKE IT?
\h\h\h\h\hWELL, I READ FOR THE TEACHER ON "GLEE"
\h\h\h\h\hSIX TIMES AND DIDN’T GET IT.
\h\h\h\hBUT, YEAH, I LIKE IT! [ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
PIERS MORGAN?
WHAT THE FUCK IS PIERS MORGAN CALLING YOU FOR?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHELLO? HEY, VINCE.
IT’S PIERS MORGAN HERE. Hey, Piers.
LISTEN, IF THIS IS ABOUT EMILY, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI HAVE NO COMMENT.
NO, VINCE. I’VE GOT NO INTEREST IN YOUR SEX LIFE.
\hI’M CALLING TO SEE IF YOU’VE GOT ANY COMMENT
TO MAKE ABOUT ARI GOLD? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAs far as what?
\h\h\hWELL, AS FAR AS THE BIG, BREAKING NEWS.
He just resigned from the studio.
I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK.
\h\h\hWHAT’S WITH THE STUNNED FACE?
\h\hPLEASE DON’T TELL ME THE BABY LOOKS LIKE E.
[ LAUGHS ]
YEAH, I "RESIGNED."
THAT’S JUST HOW I SPUN IT TO SAVE MYSELF THE HUMILIATION.
\h\h\hTRUTH IS, THEY FIRED ME.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARI, I FEEL AWFUL. THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF ME.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNAH, IT’S BECAUSE OF ME.
I GOT A BIG EGO.
BUT THERE’S A REASON FOR THAT. IT’S ’CAUSE I’M ALWAYS RIGHT!
MUST HAVE A BIG BUYOUT, \h\h\h\h\h\hTHOUGH, NO?
\h\h\h\h\hWHAT, AM I ON CNBC, TURTLE?
BUT, YEAH, IT WOULD’VE BEEN BIG, EVEN BY YOUR STANDARDS.
"WOULD’VE BEEN"?
$30 MILLION.
I TOLD THEM TO LICK MY BALLS. I DON’T TAKE CHARITY.
\h\hWHAT, SO YOU’RE JUST GONNA LET \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHEM KEEP $30 MILLION? NO. COME ON.
I TOLD THEM I WANT AN EQUITY STAKE IN THE MOVIE FOR IT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hARI, ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU COULD LOSE ALL YOUR MONEY.
YOU’RE MY MENTOS MAN, VINNIE.
15 YEARS WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER.
YOU THINK I’M GONNA \hABANDON SHIP NOW?
NOT EVEN IF THE WATER’S FREEZING AND THE ORCHESTRA’S PLAYING.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, GREAT. A "TITANIC" REFERENCE.
\h\h\h\h\h\hCOME ON, ARI. "HYDE’S" GONNA BE A MONSTER.
\h\h\h\hYOU JUST SAID YOU’RE ALWAYS RIGHT.
UNTIL I’M WRONG.
I’M KIDDIN’, DRAMA. LIGHTEN UP.
WARREN BUFFETT’S GONNA BE
BLOWIN’ US FOR INVESTMENT ADVICE SOON, YOU’LL SEE.
I’M PROUD OF YOU, VINNIE. I’M REAL PROUD.
PROUD OF ALL OF YOU.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHANKS, ARI. CONGRATS AGAIN ON THE BABY.
THANKS AGAIN.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ THE WHO’S "EMINENCE FRONT" PLAYS ]
LATER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WELCOME TO THE 72nd ANNUAL \h\h\h\h\h\hGOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS.
WE’RE ON THE RED CARPET \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLIVE.
THIS IS WHERE YOU WANT TO BE,
AND, MARIA, ALREADY PEOPLE ARE \hSTARTING TO ASK THE QUESTION,
\h\h\h\h\h\h"WHO WILL THE BIG WINNERS BE?"
MM-HMM. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIF YOU’VE BEEN \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPAYING ATTENTION,
\h\h\h\hYOU PROBABLY GET THE IDEA THAT VINCENT CHASE AND "HYDE"
\h\h\h\h\hARE GONNA HAVE A HUGE NIGHT.
THAT’S RIGHT, MATT.
\h\h\h"HYDE" HAS BEEN A BOX OFFICE MONSTER
WITH $450 MILLION WORLDWIDE AND COUNTING,
FIVE NOMINATIONS, INCLUDING BEST PICTURE AND TWO ACTING NODS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND THAT SURPRISE OF THE YEAR.
YOU HAVE A BEST-SUPPORTING-ACTOR NOMINATION FOR JOHNNY CHASE,
AND HE’S ONLY IN FOUR SCENES \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIN THE MOVIE.
WHAT’D I TELL YOU, \h\h\h\h\h\hTURTLE?
YOU VISUALIZE SUCCESS, YOU GET IT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH, BUT YOU’VE BEEN VISUALIZING IT FOR 20 YEARS.
NO. I’VE BEEN VERBALIZING IT. \h\h\h\hTHERE’S A DIFFERENCE.
DO YOU THINK HE’S GONNA BE MORE DIFFICULT TO HANDLE IF HE WINS?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, YEAH. DEFINITELY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hVINCENT CHASE! HEY, TERRENCE.
CONGRATS ON EVERYTHING. \h\hSO, HOW DOES IT FEEL?
YEAH, I DON’T WANT TO \h\hSPEAK FOR BABY BRO,
BUT IT FEELS SICK, \h\h\h\h\hTERRENCE.
YOU CAN QUOTE ME \h\h\h\hON THAT.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU’RE GETTING A LOT OF CREDIT \h\h\h\h\hFOR THE WORK YOU DID
BEHIND THE SCENES \hON THIS MOVIE.
WELL, I’M A LITTLE MORE CREATIVE THAN PEOPLE GIVE ME CREDIT FOR.
\h\h\h\h\hI’VE HEARD YOU HAVE OTHER OFFERS.
\h\hCAN YOU TELL US, PERHAPS, ARE YOU GONNA
RUN ANOTHER STUDIO \h\h\hOR SOMETHING?
\h\h\h\hWELL, MARIA, I MAY RUN A COUNTRY.
\h\h\h\h\h\hTHERE ARE A FEW THAT COULD USE MY HELP.
[ CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ]
\h\h\h\hJOHNNY! LOOK OVER HERE!
JOHNNY!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWoman: MR. CHASE! Man: VINCE!
♪ ...AS THE SKIER TRACKS ♪
♪ AND PEOPLE FORGET ♪
♪ FORGET THEY’RE HIDING ♪
♪ BEHIND AN EMINENCE FRONT ♪
♪ EMINENCE FRONT, \hIT’S A PUT-ON ♪
♪ IT’S JUST AN EMINENCE FRONT ♪
♪ EMINENCE FRONT, \hIT’S A PUT-ON ♪
♪ EMINENCE FRONT ♪
♪ IT’S AN EMINENCE FRONT, \h\h\h\h\hIT’S A PUT-ON ♪
♪ IT’S A PUT-ON, IT’S A PUT-ON ♪
♪ COME ON, JOIN THE PARTY, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hDRESS TO... ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\hAND THE AWARD FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
IN A MOTION PICTURE GOES TO...
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
SORRY, I HAVE-- HAVEN’T SEEN --
\h\h\h\h\hI HAVEN’T SEEN THE MOVIE YET.
I -- I IMAGINE HE’S FANTASTIC.
\h\h\h\h\hGIVE IT UP! JOHNNY CHASE, "HYDE"!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU WON!
\hGET UP! YOU WON!
GET UP THERE! GO! GO!
YOU CAN FUCK IT LATER. YOU SPEAK.
VICTORY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH!
[ MA$E’S "FEEL SO GOOD" PLAYS ]
♪ YO, WHAT YOU KNOW \hABOUT GOIN’ OUT ♪
\h\h\h\h♪ HEAD WEST, RED LEX, TV’s ALL UP IN THE HEADREST ♪
\h\h\h♪ TRY AND LIVE IT UP, RIDE TRUE, A BIGGER TRUCK ♪
\h\h♪ PEEPS ALL GLITTERED UP, STICK UP CAN, THEY GO WHAT? ♪
♪ JIG WITH IT ’CAUSE SHIP CRISP, SPLIT IT ALL ♪
♪ HO’S RIDE, GET YOUR NUT TILL I CAN’T GET IT UP ♪
\h\h♪ I’M A BIG MAN, GIVE THIS MAN ROOM ♪
\h♪ I’D HAVE HIT EVERYTHING, FROM CANCUN TO GRANT’S TOMB ♪
♪ BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD BOY ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO GOOD ♪
♪ YOU KNOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSO GOOD ♪
♪ THAT’S WHAT WE DO ♪
♪ BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD BOY ♪
♪ I WOULDN’T CHANGE YOU \h\h\h\h\hIF I COULD ♪
[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ WAGNER’S "BRIDAL CHORUS" \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPLAYS ]
YOU’RE DOING FINE, \h\h\h\h\h\hLLOYD.
THANK YOU, ARI.
AND YOU?
I MAY THROW UP.
[ CHUCKLES ] JUST BREATHE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TODAY WE GATHER \hTO CELEBRATE
\h\hONE OF LIFE’S GREATEST MOMENTS.
\h\h\h\h\h\hTHE COMMITMENT THAT THESE TWO MEN ARE ABOUT TO MAKE
IS THE MOST IMPORTANT COMMITMENT ANYONE CAN MAKE.
IF YOU’RE NOT REALLY GAY, LLOYD,
NOW WOULD PROBABLY BE THE TIME TO SAY SO.
\h\h\hAND IF YOU ARE, ARI, THIS IS PROBABLY YOUR TIME.
DON’T KID YOURSELF, SULU.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
MAZEL TOV!
[ MENDELSSOHN’S "WEDDING MARCH" \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPLAYS ]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTogether: CONGRATULATIONS, GREG AND LLOYD!
[ "HAVA NAGILA" PLAYS ]
WHO’S THE GIRL?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hUH, THIS IS ALYSSA MILLER.
HI.
YEE-HAW!
\hI DON’T UNDERSTAND. LLOYD WANTED A JEWISH WEDDING?
\h\h\h\h\h\hNAH. MY HOUSE, MY GOD.
HM. L’CHAIM.
L’CHAIM, BITCHES!
\h\h\hVINNIE! GET IN HERE.
COME ON, WE NEED A GROUP SHOT. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCOME HERE.
\h\hI JUST DON’T LIKE IT.
WELL, MAYBE YOU JUST DON’T FUCKIN’ GET IT,
YOU BEAN-COUNTING \h\hLITTLE SUIT.
\h\h\h\hASK VINCE. SEE WHAT HE THINKS.
WHAT’S THAT? \h\h\h\h\h\h\hI GOT AN IDEA.
\hOH, YEAH? WHAT IS IT?
IT’S ABOUT VINNIE.
AND THE BOYS.
AND HOW THEY STARTED \h\h\h\hFROM NOTHING,
TURNED IT INTO \hALL OF THIS. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYEAH.
\h\h\h\h\hAri: DUMBEST IDEA \h\h\h\h\hI’VE EVER HEARD. Eric: YEAH, I AGREE.
OH, I DON’T KNOW. IS IT?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTurtle: MAYBE IT’S A TV SHOW.
YEAH. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMAYBE I \h\h\h\h\hCOULD DIRECT.
MAYBE TURTLE, SLOAN, RONDA, \h\h\hOR THE FUCKIN’ BABY CAN.
ARI.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOKAY, EVERYBODY GET TOGETHER
AND SMILE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[ TOM PETTY’S "SOMEWHERE UNDER HEAVEN" PLAYS ]
♪ ONE DAY YOU’RE GONNA \h\h\h\hFALL IN LOVE ♪
♪ ONE DAY YOU’RE GONNA \h\h\h\hPAY THE RENT ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ HOLD ON TO WHAT LOVE YOU FIND ♪
♪ YOU’RE GONNA NEED \hALL YOU CAN GET ♪
♪ SOMEWHERE UNDER HEAVEN ♪
♪ IN A FIELD OF SUGARCANE ♪
\h\h\h\h\h♪ LITTLE JENNY WOULD DANCE IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ IN THE AFTERNOON \h\hTHUNDERSTORMS ♪
♪ THE SUN’S SHADOW’S \h\h\h\hMOVIN’ SLOW ♪
\h♪ SHE COULD SMELL THE EARTH AND SKY ♪
♪ AND OFF HER MIND WOULD GO ♪
♪ SOMEWHERE UNDER HEAVEN ♪
♪ IN A FIELD OF SUGARCANE ♪
\h\h\h\h\h♪ LITTLE JENNY WOULD DANCE IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ SOMEWHERE UNDER HEAVEN ♪
♪ IN THE EYE OF A HURRICANE ♪
\h\h\h\h\h♪ LITTLE JENNY WOULD DANCE IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ SOMEWHERE UNDER HEAVEN ♪
[ THE SKINS’ "HERE WE COME" \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPLAYS ]
\h\h♪ EVERY LITTLE TIME I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW ♪
♪ THE WORLD IS FLYING BY ♪
\h♪ EVERY OTHER MILE, I SEE THE PAIN BEHIND THE PEOPLE’S EYES ♪
\h\h♪ STEEL-RAIL RIDERS LIGHT THE FIRE INSIDE ♪
♪ IT DOESN’T MATTER YOUR COLOR ♪
♪ YOUR BACKGROUND ♪
♪ THE MOTHER IS MAD NOW ♪
♪ SHE’S CALLING US BACK ♪
\h\h\h\h♪ YOU SHOULD KNOW WE NEVER, EVER GIVE UP ♪
\h\h\h\h\h♪ WE GOT SOUL YOU’LL NEVER CORRUPT ♪
♪ YOU CAN BURN IN THE STREET \h\h\hOR GET OUT OF THE WAY ♪
♪ HERE WE COME, HERE WE COME ♪
♪ HERE WE COME ♪