1 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:18,839 So, you see the thing is, Dad, I could reapply next year, 2 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:22,319 but if I defer and try again for Oxford, I'll probably lose my place at Bristol... 3 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:23,359 Mm... 4 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:25,119 ...which is a good university, but not my dream. 5 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:26,599 Do you think it matters in the long term, 6 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:29,039 or is the subject and standard of degree more important? 7 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:30,519 So, I got married. 8 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,599 - What?! - To Suzy, we got married. 9 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:33,679 You mean remarried. 10 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:35,519 This time it's for keeps, though. 11 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,359 - When did this happen? - A few weeks ago. 12 00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:39,799 I was going to invite you, but I know how you are around people. 13 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,519 How am I?! 14 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,119 Awkward. Weird. 15 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:46,559 I don't live in a cave. I live in suburban London. 16 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,279 I spend my entire life around people. 17 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,479 Much as I'd like to, it's almost impossible to avoid them. 18 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:51,999 See, this is what I mean. 19 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,479 Well... Was it a big wedding? 20 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,119 No. Couple of hundred close friends and family. 21 00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,759 - And it was perfect. - Mm. 22 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:04,679 I can't believe you didn't invite me to your wedding. 23 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:06,919 So, what are you up to this summer? 24 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,199 Oh, you're changing the subject? 25 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:09,599 - Mm-hm. - Fine. 26 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,879 I dunno. I guess I'll be going on holiday. 27 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,279 Oh, this should be good. What have you got planned? 28 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,559 Trans-Siberian Express? Fossil-hunting in Dorset? 29 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:19,319 Or maybe something even weirder. 30 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:23,719 No, actually. Something normal. I'm going somewhere normal, with my normal friends, 31 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:25,079 to a place full of normal people. 32 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:27,399 And you, of course. 33 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,319 (SIGHS) 34 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,359 # Wahhhhh 35 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,119 # Gimme love, gimme love, gimme love 36 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,719 # I really need it 37 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,919 # Gimme love, gimme love, gimme love 38 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,759 # Just set me free, yeah... # 39 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:48,039 WILL: In case you were wondering, that was me with my father. 40 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,959 And this is where I live - not with him, but with my mother. 41 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,519 It's a long story. Well, not that long. 42 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,679 He shagged the work experience girl and then left us. 43 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,399 So, just clichd, really. 44 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,359 Plus, it only happened two years ago, so I don't even get the luxury 45 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,079 of blaming my various personality defects on their divorce. 46 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:07,519 Anyway, that's how I ended up here - the very definition of suburbia. 47 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:12,799 Safe, comforting, stifling, boring - and I couldn't wait to fucking leave. 48 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:16,279 Maybe that's unfair, as they do say that you never know what goes on 49 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,279 behind the net curtains of suburbia. 50 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,799 Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright's case, you can have a pretty good guess. 51 00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:24,919 (LUSTFUL GROANS) 52 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,039 Are you ready to have some fun, big boy? 53 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:32,719 Mmm. 54 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,319 I'm feeling sexy! 55 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:36,359 Take off mask, baby, let me see you. 56 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,199 Nah. 57 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,559 Do you promise this'll be properly filthy, yeah? 58 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,479 Oh, yes, like bomb explode from in penis. 59 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,399 Sexy like...mmm...finger up bumhole. 60 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,639 Christ, you make me so erect. 61 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:51,159 Oh, yes, you also make me erect. 62 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,199 Now, put in card details. Oh, I'm so horny. 63 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:57,079 Don't forget security number and bank. 64 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,599 Mm! Come on, hurry up. 65 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,039 All right, Jay's mum! Where's Jay? 66 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,359 Oh, hello, Neil. He's at home, updating his CV. 67 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:07,479 (MOBILE RINGS) 68 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,279 Ooh, excuse me. 69 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,879 Hello? 70 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,439 Ohh... 71 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:15,879 It's a bit over, is that OK? 72 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:16,999 Not really. 73 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:23,559 - Excuse me! My prawns? - Sorry, mate, I finish at six. 74 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,519 Cheers for that. 75 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:32,719 - You don't have to thank me every time. - Oh, right. Cool. 76 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:34,239 You're so fit. 77 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:49,399 Simon, we need to talk. 78 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,999 Oh, not talking! 79 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:54,039 - Look, it's been great so far... - It's been amazing. 80 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,639 Literally the best year of my life. My spots clearing up, not moving to Wales, 81 00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:58,679 and now you. 82 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,599 And I'm definitely getting better at kissing, aren't I? 83 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:01,919 I think we should break up. 84 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:03,599 What? 85 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,879 We're both going away to uni soon, 86 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,199 and it'll be too hard to keep it going long-distance. 87 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,159 - It won't be fair on either of us. - I don't mind. 88 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:11,759 You will mind, though. You will. 89 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,159 I bloody won't! 90 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,319 Plus, I'm going on holiday soon, so there's that. 91 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,199 Why? What are you planning to do on holiday? 92 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,439 Maybe you should just go home. 93 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,519 I just need some space to think at the moment. 94 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:24,799 OK, fine. So, I'll see you later, yeah? 95 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,279 Or, whenever? 96 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,119 (WHISTLES) 97 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,199 Mum, I'm back! When's tea? 98 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,359 - In a minute. - It had better be delicious! 99 00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:53,039 (SOBS) 100 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:04,159 Ohhh... 101 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,279 - Oooh! - Oh, oh! 102 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,439 Tell me you love me. Tell me you love me. 103 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:15,679 Oh, yes, I like you. Oh, I like you. 104 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:18,919 Get out! I'm just looking at holidays! It's just holidays! 105 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,919 Jay, can you come downstairs, please? Your grandfather's died. 106 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,959 Ooh, you've got a lady there, you bad boy! 107 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:30,319 Has she got nice titties? Suck on the lady's titties. Suck them, go on! 108 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,199 WILL: It was our last ever day of school, 109 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,039 something my new stepmum had experienced only four years ago herself. 110 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,439 So the head of Sixth was going to say a few inspirational words. 111 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:45,199 And if ever there was a man for the job, it wasn't lunatic giant Mr Gilbert. 112 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,519 I will forget each and every one of you almost immediately. 113 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,119 So, if you do find yourself at a loose end next year, 114 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,319 and think it might be nice to pop in and see how we're getting on, 115 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,799 don't. This isn't the Dead Poets Society 116 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,319 and I'm not that bloke on BBC Two who keeps getting kids to sing in choirs. 117 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:04,879 I especially don't want to hear about how well you're settling down at uni 118 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,319 or how much growing up you've done in the past 12 months. 119 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,999 At best, I am ambivalent towards most of you, 120 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,239 but some of you, I actively dislike, 121 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,399 for no other reason than your poor personal hygiene 122 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,399 or your irritating personalities. 123 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:22,919 I hope I've made myself clear on this point. 124 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,919 And in case any of you think I'm joking...I'm not. 125 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,559 I assure you that once my legal obligation 126 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,639 to look after your best interests is removed, 127 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:34,319 I can be one truly nasty fucker. 128 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:41,879 Good luck with the rest of your lives and...try not to kill anyone. 129 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,919 It reflects very badly on all of us here. 130 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,199 Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting. 131 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:53,359 WILL: They say your school days are the best days of your life. 132 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:54,839 But the only way that would be true for me 133 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,759 would be if I went straight from school to prison and stayed there until I died. 134 00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,679 How many times is that she's caught you now? 135 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,599 Four. But this was the worst. 136 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,239 Mask, snorkel, ham. 137 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:05,839 OK, one last one for luck. 138 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,719 Ooooh! 139 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,559 Good. Old school wedgie. To be admired, in a way. 140 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,599 Squashing the balls now. Ooh! That does not tickle! 141 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:16,039 Argh! 142 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,559 Mark! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Put him down. 143 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:20,079 All right, calm down. 144 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:21,959 Just saying goodbye to Bender Squad. 145 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,879 - Have a nice life, dickheads. - Oh, grow up! God! 146 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,839 - Are you OK, Will? - Fine! Slightly chafed arse crack, 147 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,919 - but, no, basically fine, thanks. - Hi, Simon. 148 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,479 OK, well, bye, then. 149 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,519 Fucking bitch. 150 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:39,559 Is she? 151 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,279 No. 152 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,959 Oh, God... I just really miss her. 153 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:45,799 (CRIES) 154 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:01,639 It's all right, mate. I understand. Anyone would miss those tits. 155 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,839 - It's not that, Neil. - Is it her lovely snatch? 156 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,399 - No. - I know it feels rough 157 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,199 now, Si, but you just need to give it some time. 158 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,679 I'm just worried I'll never get over her. (CRIES) 159 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,639 - I can help you with that! - Can you? 160 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,519 Yeah! From now on, every time you mention the Moanatronic 5000, 161 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,039 - you get a slap in the balls. - Do you mean Carli? 162 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,119 Ow! For fuck's sake, Jay! 163 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,119 - NEIL: You were warned. - How's that helping?! 164 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,119 Stopped you from crying like a baby, for one. 165 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,039 So my life is still ruined, but now my balls ache too. Thanks, Jay(!) 166 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,159 No, your life is just about to begin, mate! 167 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,399 Now you've been dumped, we can all go on a mental holiday together. 168 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:36,759 Two weeks of sun, sea, sex, sand, booze, 169 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,799 sex, minge, fanny and tits. 170 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:40,919 And booze. 171 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,399 And sex! 172 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,479 He's put it horrifically, but he's probably right. 173 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:46,959 A holiday would definitely take your mind off her. 174 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:48,839 JAY: Plus, it's the perfect time to go. 175 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,359 NEIL: Yeah, they say the summer is the perfect time for a summer holiday. 176 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,399 WILL: Come on, Si, what do you say? The lads on tour! 177 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,239 - NEIL: And you. - WILL: Yes, and me! One of the lads. 178 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,479 Yeah, fuck it, go on, then. Maybe it will help. 179 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,239 Course it will! And, I promise you, Si, 180 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,639 we'll go somewhere so full of fit birds, it'll be like shooting clunge in a barrel. 181 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,679 What a lovely image(!) 182 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,159 WILL: So, that was it. We were no longer schoolboys. 183 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:10,479 And, to prove our independence, 184 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,399 we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without our parents... 185 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:14,999 after we'd made them pay for it. 186 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,039 I know this is the first time you've ever been away from me, but don't go crazy. 187 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:19,199 When have I ever gone crazy?! 188 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,159 That time you drank all that shandy at Debra's wedding. You went pretty wild! 189 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,519 - I was seven years old! - He was running round, his pants down, 190 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:25,959 shouting, "I've got a white slug!" 191 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,279 - Mum! - Oh, hello, Kevin! 192 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,879 Looks like just Jay we're waiting for, then. 193 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,159 Yes, it does "look like" that, doesn't it? God! Sorry about her. 194 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,559 Are you all right, Neil? Your face is a bit weird. 195 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,959 Fine! Just popped a bit of my sister's fake tan on, get it started, you know. 196 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,199 Just on your face? 197 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,479 Well... It's on my hands, now, too. 198 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,239 All right? Who's this, then, the vicar? 199 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,359 Me? No, no, I'm Kevin. I'm Neil's father. Nice to meet you. 200 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,199 Where's Neil been hiding you, then? The church? (LAUGHS) 201 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,759 - Looks like a bloody vicar, don't he? - No, no, I'm not a vicar. 202 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,759 No, I know that. But you look like a vicar and you talk like a vicar. 203 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,519 A bloody gay vicar, or something! (LAUGHS) 204 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,279 Well, I'm not a vicar and I'm not gay. 205 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,039 No, I'm saying you lookgay. 206 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:07,759 But you can't be, can you? Cos old soppy bollocks here come out your pipe. 207 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,159 Right, I see. 208 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,399 Well, gotta get going. Don't want you to miss that flight. 209 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,159 Bye-bye, Pookie Petal. Love you, mwah! 210 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,559 Oh, and Jay? If you're gonna spend your grandad's money chasing skirt, 211 00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:25,439 two things. One, make sure she's not a hound like the last one. 212 00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:29,559 And two, try to be a man when she dumps you for someone with a bigger cock... 213 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:34,279 ...which is everyone! (LAUGHS) 214 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,199 Dad! 215 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,199 WILL: Dads are like arseholes. Everyone's got one, yes, 216 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,679 but also, they're arseholes. Which is why they make excellent cab drivers. 217 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,879 Takes me back, all this - cheap flights at ungodly hours. 218 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,399 Where is it you're headed to again? Simon never tells me anything. 219 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,839 - Malia, Mr Cooper, in Greece. - Can't say I've heard of it. 220 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,439 Of course you haven't, it's a cool place to go. 221 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,919 And it's got a Subways. 222 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:53,999 Oh, right. In my day, it was all about Spain. 223 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,159 Me and my mates went to Magaluf this one time. 224 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,559 - Shagaluf, we called it! - (NEIL LAUGHS) 225 00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:02,319 Should've called it Shagalot. And hard. Anything that moved. 226 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:04,079 We had a system. 227 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,159 Always left a hat on the bedroom door when one of us got lucky. 228 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:07,639 Was usually me. 229 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:08,759 Oh, Dad, please shut up! 230 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:09,799 I don't know what it is, 231 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,279 but you'll find girls just seem to let themselves go a bit more abroad. 232 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:15,199 It's like as soon as they smell the sun cream, they get wet. 233 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:18,279 - Your mother's the same, even now. - Oh, God, just drop us here! 234 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,359 WILL: I was learning a lot about holidays. 235 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,879 And not just what they did to Mrs Cooper's front bottom. 236 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,079 I was also learning that on a lads' holiday, 237 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,479 it's compulsory to wear "hilarious" matching T-shirts. 238 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:29,039 Here y'are. 239 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,119 Nice! 240 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:35,639 Right, you owe me 12 quid each. Except for you, Will, you owe me 20. 241 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,119 What?! Why? 242 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,919 Cos I had to bung the bloke a few extra quid for him to make it. 243 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,599 Right, so I've got to pay more money for a T-shirt I didn't ask for 244 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,919 and I'm not going to wear, cos it carries a nickname I didn't know I had? 245 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,159 - Yes. - Great(!) 246 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:46,719 (LAUGHING) 247 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:52,199 # Come on, come on, come on, come on 248 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,039 # Got my peeps standing with me at the bar doing shots 249 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,879 # Cos now we're so fucking plastered we don't know when to stop 250 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,839 # I got my peeps standing with me and I'm having a blast 251 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,719 # I'm feeling so fucking good right now I want it to last 252 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,319 # I'm at the bar and I see this chick checking me out 253 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:09,519 # From afar, yes, she wants my dick There ain't a doubt 254 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,439 # Now I'm in a lift, getting lips How dumb is this girl? 255 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:16,759 # But do I care? Do I fuck! I'm on a roll! Yo! # 256 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,639 Malia flight? 257 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:19,759 Yep. 258 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:20,999 Delay, seven hours. 259 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,519 And please remove those T-shirts, or we won't allow you to board the plane. 260 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:37,439 WILL: Despite Neil offering - twice - they didn't let him drive the plane. 261 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:40,079 Finally, though, we'd made it on holiday, 262 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,519 and Jay's thoughts on the beautiful isle of Crete, birthplace of Zeus, 263 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,039 were as insightful as ever. 264 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,999 - I'm hot. - It is well hot. 265 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,519 - Might be too hot. - Might be. 266 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,039 - (CAR HORN BLARES) - Oh! 267 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,599 Carli! Carli! 268 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:00,639 Carls! 269 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:03,639 Oh. 270 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,319 Sorry. 271 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,479 (BUZZ OF CONVERSATION) 272 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:10,559 Oi, Jay, Jay... 273 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,079 Tidy minge, ten o'clock. 274 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,479 Jay? Jay! 275 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,719 Didn't you see them girls? 276 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:18,959 Why don't you chirps 'em? 277 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,719 - I can't handle that many at once, Neil. - Really? What about that netball team? 278 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,959 Yeah, that was all right, cos that was a luxury caravan. 279 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,479 But this coach is way too small for my moves. 280 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:27,959 Ah, course. 281 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,559 Right, so, the plan is get to the apartment, unpack, 282 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,199 get some sleep, then head out fresh tomorrow. 283 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,879 First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos. 284 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,279 JAY: Have you come on a lads' holiday by mistake?! 285 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,279 We haven't come halfway round the world to look at some boring fucking Greek ruins. 286 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,199 Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere. 287 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,919 We go there, drop the bags off, then go straight out and get spasticated. 288 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:46,119 Simples. 289 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,839 But I've not slept for 37 hours. 290 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,919 Shut up and try and get some sleep on here, then. 291 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,679 Fine, good idea. 292 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:56,359 - (ENGINE STARTS) - # We love you Burnley, we do 293 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:58,559 # We love you Burnley, we do 294 00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:03,239 # We love you Burnley, we do Oh, Burnley, we love you! 295 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,719 - # Oh, Burn-a-ley - # Oh, Burn-a-ley 296 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,719 - # Is wonderful - # Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful... # 297 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,999 # Can you hear the Preston sing? I can't hear a fucking thing... # 298 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,399 WILL: When people ask me if I like football, I say yes. I do like football. 299 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:17,999 But not Burnley. 300 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,999 Burnley can fuck off. 301 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:21,519 # Come on, Burnley! # 302 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:25,719 # Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful! # 303 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:35,639 WILL: It was a tense moment. 304 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,399 Someone was obviously staying here. 305 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:41,439 Right, then, McKenzie party. This is you. 306 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:42,719 (BURNLEY FANS CHEERING) 307 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,919 Good one, fellas! Don't worry, it'll look nice when it's finished. 308 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,599 - # Oh, Burn-a-ley! - # Oh, Burn-a-ley! # 309 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,759 # Is wonderful... # 310 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,239 This don't look like the pictures. 311 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,359 WILL: I still don't know how the dog died. 312 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,599 I can only presume it threw itself in the well, rather than stay here. 313 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:02,679 You Willy? 314 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,119 Yes. 315 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,319 Your key. You have fun. 316 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:07,839 But not too much fun. 317 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,919 You shit on floor - 50 euro fine. 318 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,079 Each time! 319 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,159 All right, lads! 320 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:22,439 - Are you stopping here? - Yes. We are. 321 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,319 Bad luck. I've just come back from Afghanistan, 322 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,399 and conditions there are better than this shithole. 323 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,679 I can't wait to get back to lying in a dusty trench, 324 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,239 being shot at by some raghead. Are you married? 325 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,359 - No. - Don't get married. 326 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,479 The wife booked this, but somehow, it's my fucking fault. 327 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:39,319 Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy. I'll see youse later. 328 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:40,719 Hey! 329 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:41,999 You owe me 50 euros! 330 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,279 WILL: As we entered our new home, wondering 331 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,879 if our human rights had been breached, 332 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,759 I couldn't help thinking a shit on the floor 333 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,159 might have cheered the place up a bit. 334 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,479 - JAY AND NEIL: Shotgun this room! - Shotgun the sofa bed! 335 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:06,799 Well, where am I gonna sleep then?! 336 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,439 Not really my problem. 337 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,399 What's that? Is that the bath? 338 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,759 Course it's not the bath, you fucking idiot. There's the bath! 339 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,399 That's the...kids' toilet. 340 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:17,599 - Is it? - Yes! 341 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,519 Why's it got a plughole and a tap, then? 342 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:21,759 Cos it's for checking your kid's shit before you flush it. 343 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,479 - Urgh, that's grim! - Yeah, I know. 344 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,719 That's the Continentals, innit? They're dirty. 345 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:27,839 See? That looks nice! 346 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,519 I'm not sleeping in a fucking bathtub for two weeks, Simon! 347 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:31,879 We'll have to share the sofa bed. 348 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,079 (HIGH-PITCHED) Ooh, 'ello! 349 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:36,919 Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other's cocks, 350 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:38,359 I'm getting ready and getting out there. 351 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:39,959 The gash isn't gonna fuck itself, you know. 352 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,999 Charming(!) 353 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,759 (JAY SCREAMS) 354 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:18,999 WILL: Finally, smelling like an industrial accident at the Lynx factory, 355 00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:22,439 and looking like the world's shittest boy band, we hit the town. 356 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,479 - Ooh, heads down, boys. - NEIL: Shit. 357 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,359 What? Why? We haven't done anything! 358 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,399 - Foreign police, innit? - So? 359 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:32,959 Don't you even know about foreign police? 360 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,879 What, short-sleeved uniforms? Chunkier truncheons? 361 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,519 - Oh, fucking hell! - Mate, they're all corrupt. 362 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,959 Basically, if you misbehave and don't have the money to bribe 'em, 363 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:42,519 they take you up to these shepherds' huts in the hills 364 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:44,279 beat you up and bum ya. 365 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:45,999 And if they don't kill ya, you kill yourself, 366 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:48,359 cos of the shame of getting a boner whilst you was being bummed. 367 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,239 Right, couple of things. Firstly, the hills here are full of timeshares, 368 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,559 not deserted shepherds' huts. 369 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,519 Secondly, Crete's in the EU, so I think the standard of policing 370 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,599 probably goes beyond bumming and forced suicide. 371 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,719 Believe what you want. I'm keeping a bribe up my arse just in case. 372 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,959 You're gonna spend the whole holiday with 20 euros rolled up inside your arsehole? 373 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,319 It's been up there since the seatbelt signs went off, mate. 374 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:11,119 All right, lads! Holiday, is it? I'm out here on my own, having a mental time! 375 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:12,919 Can I have a beer? 376 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,999 - Oh, here you go, mate. - No, you can't! 377 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,039 All right, which is it? You say yes, he says bloody no. 378 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,159 - He's not your boss, is he? Eh? - Sorry... Do we know you? 379 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,119 Anyways, here's a good one for you, right. 380 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,879 Get a torch and walk along the beach at night and you get to watch people fucking. 381 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,839 They're all drunk and you get to see tits and cocks and that. 382 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,359 If you're into cocks. Which it looks like he is! Ha-ha! 383 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,799 Well, it's been great talking to you, but we've really got to get a move on. 384 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,279 Can I come round yours for a shower? 385 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,839 Um, no. 386 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,279 No? Cool beans. See you later, lads! 387 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,799 Richard, yeah? Richard! 388 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,959 WILL: Well, Richard was clearly mental. 389 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,759 But, as we were about to discover, so was everything else here. 390 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,439 # This place about to blow 391 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,919 # Blow 392 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:01,799 # This place about to blow 393 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,719 # Blow 394 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,879 # This place about to blow 395 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,239 # This place about to blow... # 396 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:35,039 WILL: While Simon was seeing Carli everywhere, 397 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,199 - Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies. - She'd get it. 398 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:39,879 NEIL: Most definitely! 399 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,319 Oh, and that one. She'd get it! 400 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:44,679 - And that one! And that one. - And that one. She'd get it. 401 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,039 Right in the bumholey. 402 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,159 I can't believe I've already got a bird. Gutted. 403 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:52,679 So fucking what?! All birds know - what goes on tour stays on tour. 404 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,039 No, I couldn't do that to Nicole. I think I love her. 405 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,039 And I never loved anything before apart from a car or a sandwich. 406 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,559 If the build-up gets too much for you, you can always borrow one of my johnnies, 407 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,119 have a wank royale. 408 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:02,799 - Oh, cheers, Jay! - A what?! 409 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,239 A wank royale. A wank with a johnny on. It's a bit more expensive, 410 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,839 so I tend to save it for special occasions. 411 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,719 Birthdays, Christmas, the Champions League final... 412 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,719 All right, lads! Are you up for a good time? 413 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,119 Yeah, we're always up for a good time. 414 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,479 We're the Pussay Patrol. 415 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,039 All right. Well, if you really are the Pussay Patrol... 416 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,839 - Which we are. - You're obviously going to Marco's. 417 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:21,079 It's the most buzzing bar out here. Always packed with a chilled-out, sexy vibe. 418 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,279 - Know what I mean? - I don't really know what you mean. 419 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,519 When you say "sexy vibe", do you mean girls? 420 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:27,639 Course! Loads of girls. 421 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,959 I'll sort you out half-price drinks and a free fishbowl. 422 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,479 Cool, cool, cool. 423 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,679 So, will you be in there, with your sexiness, 424 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:39,439 making the vibe all...sexy? Being all sexy, and that, sexy? 425 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:40,879 Say "sexy" more. 426 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,159 Well, I will be if you're gonna be there, you saucy bugger! 427 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,359 Come on, then! 428 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,999 Here you go, these four. I'll see you in a bit. Mine's a Bacardi and Coke. 429 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:50,199 Large one? 430 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,479 Saucy! See you later. 431 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,119 Fucking hell, you're well in there, mate! 432 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:58,799 Yep! He shoots, he scores. Right up the vag. 433 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:01,119 Oh, my God, if she's outside, imagine the birds inside! 434 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,839 Ah. Interesting. 435 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,719 Well, it must get going a bit later. She did say it was amazing. 436 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,879 And why would she lie?! 437 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,439 All right, mate. Four pints, four Jgermeisters and a fishbowl, please. 438 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:24,599 Hello. 439 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,679 - When it good here? - Sorry? 440 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,679 Er, when here party good? 441 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:31,919 Normally about an hour or two? 442 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,159 Oh. Well, as we've paid, maybe we should hang on, then? 443 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:35,639 But this year...never. 444 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,679 Thanking you, very much. 445 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:38,719 OK, let's go. 446 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,439 Fuck off! My bird'll be down in a minute. 447 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,519 You mean the woman who's clearly on commission to trick people 448 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:44,559 into this empty bar? 449 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,279 No, I mean the little hottie outside that I was flirting with. 450 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:47,359 I'll take that as a yes, then. 451 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,039 I'm going nowhere till she's sucked me off! 452 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,679 - So, you're going nowhere. - WILL: Jay, we're on holiday! 453 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,399 I'm meant to be out there, trying to hit on girls that I think are beneath me, 454 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,999 but who, for their part, won't give me the time of day! So, let's go! 455 00:21:57,120 --> 00:22:00,759 Ooh! Hello, hello! It's those little lovelies from the coach! 456 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,959 - That one's not so little. - I think they're looking at us. 457 00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,559 And not in a weird, terrified, "leave us alone" way. Amazing! 458 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,039 Jay, you're drunkest. Go over and talk to them. 459 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,999 Nah, not me, mate. None of them are as fit as my one outside. 460 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:12,719 Why go for hamburgers, when you've got steak at home? 461 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:14,479 If, like you, you have neither anywhere. 462 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:15,999 It's up to you, then, Si. 463 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:17,479 Shit, really? I don't know if I'm over Carli. 464 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,999 Ow! Fuck! Can you stop that?! 465 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:23,119 Yes, I can. When you stop being such a pussy about your ex. 466 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:25,239 It's time to get back on the horse now, Si. 467 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:26,919 And those little ponies need feeding. 468 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,719 Feed the pony. 469 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,919 Yeah, OK, I'll introduce us, but we've all got to go over together. 470 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,399 - Great. - You fucking sad cases. 471 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:39,239 You don't just walk up to a girl in a club and introduce yourself! That's creepy. 472 00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:40,999 Clubs are different rules, you dick. 473 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:44,799 Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes, then get 'em to dance with you. 474 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:45,919 Really?! 475 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,199 - Annoyingly, that does sound right. - Thank you! 476 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,279 And then, after a bit, you stand up behind them, 477 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,239 pretend to slap 'em and fuck 'em up the arse. 478 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,159 - That might be a bit much. - Yeah, I dunno... 479 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:55,999 Oh, fucking hell, I'll do it. 480 00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:58,319 - What about Nicole? - It's only dancing, she likes my dancing. 481 00:22:58,440 --> 00:22:59,999 Stick with me, you'll be fine. 482 00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:03,599 Right, then, Si. Looks like the holiday starts here. 483 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:07,679 (# YOLANDA BE COOL: We No Speak Americano) 484 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,519 Am I doing it right? Am I in time? 485 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,399 Maybe a bit out, but not so you'd notice. Copy Neil. 486 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,479 Sorry. Do you mind if we come and talk to you? 487 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,479 Cos you look nice and, frankly, this is just humiliating for everyone involved. 488 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:14,599 Um... 489 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,599 Sit down, Specs. 490 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,359 Hello. I'm Lucy. 491 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:24,839 Hi, I'm Diamond... Simon! I'm Simon. 492 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:27,839 I'd better not get stuck with the fat one. 493 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,519 So, when Alison initially suggested Malia, we all thought, yeah, why not? 494 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:33,759 It'll be ironic. Then we had a reality check 495 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,519 and we thought, do we honestly wanna spend two weeks somewhere being ironic, 496 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:39,439 and obviously the answer was no, so then we looked at other places, 497 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:44,519 but we realised, actually, we just want to have a laugh and go clubbing and get drunk 498 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,839 and be silly, and that this might genuinely be a good place to come, 499 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:49,079 so fuck it, here we are. 500 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,519 Just so you know, I've met a really fit bird and she'll be along any minute. 501 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:56,199 OK. She won't mind you talking to me, then, will she? 502 00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,799 WILL: If our dancing was bad - and it was bad... 503 00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,479 then our small talk was even worse. 504 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,599 Sorry, will you excuse us a moment? 505 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,079 - What's going on? - What do you mean?! 506 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,039 What do you think I mean?! Why aren't you talking to the girls? 507 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,879 I get, like, words making sounds in my head, but they don't come out. 508 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:29,519 Well, that's easy to fix. Just say them! Move your mouth and say them! 509 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,639 Well, I can't pork any of them anyways, cos of Nicole. 510 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,279 But it would be nice to make a connection, 511 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,759 like on them TV shows, when people make a connection. 512 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:36,759 Oh, this is hopeless. 513 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,279 Well, I don't exactly see you charming your way into their knickers. 514 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,959 I just danced for the first time in my life! 515 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,119 It's hard to know what to follow up with. 516 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,799 Maybe you could pretend to not have the personality you've got. 517 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:46,919 Like...pretend to be someone cool. 518 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,839 Thanks, Simon. Thank you. Big help(!) 519 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,399 Yeah. Actually, it's probably best you don't even try. 520 00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:53,399 No, I am going to try. If anything, I'm gonna try too hard. 521 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:54,719 She is well out of your league. 522 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,919 Like well, well, well out of your league. 523 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,039 So? All girls I like are out of my league. 524 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,839 What's the point of going for girls in my league? 525 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,719 Look at me! Imagine my league! 526 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:12,879 Oh, God. 527 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,959 Er, Jay, mate? I think you missed the toilet. 528 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,519 Are you saying I can't hold my drink? 529 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,039 You are pissing your drink all over the floor. 530 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:23,599 So? It's still the toilet. This whole room's the toilet. 531 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:27,479 Neil? Can you chuck me a paper towel? 532 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,519 Ah! Wipe the drip from my knob. 533 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:34,359 Birds don't like it when it tastes pissy. 534 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:40,159 OK, come on, guys. We've done the hard bit. Let's not fuck this up. 535 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:41,639 I just can't think of what to say! 536 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:44,199 Just talk about something you love. Something you're passionate about. 537 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:48,639 Right. Oh, cool. Got it. I know exactly what to say. 538 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:49,679 It's pretty devastating, 539 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,639 cos she's definitely the most beautiful girl I've ever met. 540 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,519 She's so fascinating. She's really funny, you know? 541 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,039 Oh, right. In what sort of way? 542 00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:59,079 Just like... You know when something's funny and people get it? 543 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:00,439 Yes. 544 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,359 So, in that way. And, also, in a comedy way. 545 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:09,599 WILL: Neil was a man of few words, but even for him, this was ridiculous. 546 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:15,119 Not that I was faring that much better myself. 547 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:18,559 So, do this place hire you out as some sort of avant-garde dance troupe 548 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:19,919 to scare the customers off? 549 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,919 No. I lost my mind and agreed to come here on holiday. What's your excuse? 550 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:24,319 Sort of similar. 551 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:27,039 I came out here earlier this summer and fell crazy in love with a gorgeous local, 552 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,719 - so now I'm back. - Hilarious. Course you did. 553 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:31,119 What was he, a barman or a waiter? 554 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,479 - Waiter. - Brilliant. Was he called Stavros? 555 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:35,439 - Nicos. - Too good. 556 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:36,679 I bet he's different to all the boys back home! 557 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,119 Yeah. He understands women, for one. 558 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:40,839 I'm sure he does. Must get enough practice. 559 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:43,279 WILL: Not only had Jay not offered to buy Jane a drink, 560 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,519 he'd now stopped paying for his own. 561 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:47,719 Meanwhile, Simon was on a roll. 562 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:50,839 So then Carli said we needed some space. And uni's coming up, 563 00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:53,599 - so maybe she's right. - Sorry, who's right? 564 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:54,719 - Carli? - Who? 565 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:55,759 Carli, my ex? 566 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:59,359 You went out with a girl called Carli? You should've said(!) 567 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:02,239 What? I did! That's all I've been talking about. 568 00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:04,279 Oh! 569 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,319 Yes, I was joking! 570 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:09,439 Sorry for going on about her. I usually get a smack in the balls to stop me. 571 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:10,599 What?! 572 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:11,879 Um, nothing. 573 00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:18,439 WILL: Meanwhile, Neil had a trump card to play. 574 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,639 Do you want to dance? 575 00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:30,359 WILL: Meanwhile, Alison didn't seem to be enjoying 576 00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:31,999 my hilarious Greek waiter impression. 577 00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:35,399 So, I presume he wooed you with the old, "Hh'I love you, hh'I love you! 578 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:39,479 "You hh'only girl for me! There's no hh'other girl hh'in my life! 579 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:41,999 "Oh, wait, here comes the next plane from Newcastle. I've gotta go, baby." 580 00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:44,719 Sorry, you do realise I'm not playing along with the joke. 581 00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:47,519 I do genuinely have a Greek waiter boyfriend called Nicos. 582 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:48,879 No, of course you do. 583 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,599 Brilliant. Nicos. You've really nailed the clichs. 584 00:28:57,200 --> 00:29:00,039 - You are joking, aren't you? - No. 585 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:04,639 His grandmother has a moustache as well, if that makes the stereotype even funnier. 586 00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:07,879 I'm sorry. I'm sure he's not like every other waiter out here. 587 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,679 It's fine. You don't know what you're talking about. 588 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:11,799 Your accent was pretty good, though. 589 00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:15,079 Oh, I've gotta go. Don't want to miss my stereotypical Greek boyfriend. 590 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:16,439 He might get angry and smash some plates. 591 00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:18,559 Or commit atrocities in Anatolia. 592 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:21,079 You're not normal, are you? 593 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:30,279 You all right, Lise? Where's that bloke you were dancing with? 594 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:36,079 # I've got nothing but love for you 595 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:39,039 # I've got nothing but love for you... # 596 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:41,759 Luce, we should go. Nicos finishes soon, and I don't want to miss him. 597 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,679 So, shall we all hang out again sometime? 598 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:47,559 Yeah. You lot don't seem too bad. 599 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:51,319 If I hear another bloke out here refer to women as "gash", I'll scream. 600 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:56,439 - Yeah. No, that is horrible. Really bad. - It's awful when men do that. Disgusting. 601 00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,239 Do you fancy coming to the all-day boat party, Friday? 602 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:02,599 I know it's meant to be sold out, but our rep reckons he can still get tickets. 603 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:04,319 All-day boat party - what's that? 604 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:06,999 Well, it's a party. 605 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:08,199 OK. 606 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,119 - All day. - Yep. 607 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:13,719 - On a boat. - Oh, right. 608 00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:17,679 Well! Now that's been cleared up, we should go. 609 00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:19,279 See you later, Will. 610 00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:22,359 Amazing. 611 00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:25,439 Do you realise, we just danced over, chatted up some girls, 612 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:27,119 they loved it and you didn't fuck it up! 613 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:28,759 - Me?! - Are we players? 614 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:32,679 I'm starting to think that here, unlike at home, we might actually be players. 615 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:35,519 Maybe. I'm not really sure what that means. 616 00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:37,999 However, cos I've not slept now for two days, I'm going to bed. 617 00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:39,399 Yeah. My eyeballs feel like they've got paper cuts. 618 00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:41,879 - Jay, are you coming? - Fuck that! 619 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:43,719 There's a fit bird up there who's so wet for me, 620 00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:45,399 I can hear the waves breaking in her fanny. 621 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:48,519 I'm gonna down this, then take her down the beach and fuck her brains out. 622 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:50,959 Right, well, we've established that isn't happening. 623 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:53,879 Fine. Watch me. 624 00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:57,519 Mm. Classy(!) 625 00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,359 We'd better get Neil. 626 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:04,879 - Neil...? - Oh, God! We're off. 627 00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:06,479 Right. Won't be a minute, I'll just finish up here. 628 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:08,239 Christ, Neil, what about Nicole? 629 00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:09,879 Oh, she won't mind, we're not kissing. 630 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:12,679 Nah. It's just fingers, in't it, lover? 631 00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:14,039 Right. 632 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:15,879 Yeah. I'll catch you lot up. One second. 633 00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:18,719 He's definitely picked up the pace. 634 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:21,759 WILL: While Neil picked up his finger-banging speed, 635 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,919 we picked up Jay - and he had a chilling prediction to share with us. 636 00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:27,559 She's gonna suck my knob-knob dry. You watch. 637 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:29,759 I'd rather not watch, if it's all the same to you. 638 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:31,159 Shit, is that Carli? 639 00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:33,599 Look, Si, it's normal that after a break-up, 640 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:36,679 you'll think you see her everywhere, but she's not here. 641 00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:38,159 Yeah. I suppose. 642 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:40,079 - Could be her. - What? 643 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:41,919 Could be her. She is out here at the moment. 644 00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:43,119 What?! 645 00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:45,239 Well, we weren't sure where the best place to go was, 646 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,719 and her and her mates are pretty cool, so I asked them where they was going 647 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:49,039 and when, and that's why I booked Malia. 648 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,479 You fucking idiot! I came away to try and get over her! 649 00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:53,399 - Did ya? - You know I did! 650 00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:54,879 Oh, yeah, course. 651 00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:58,319 Oh, God, look at her. 652 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:02,559 Do you think this is fate? Her being here, me being here. 653 00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:04,159 No. I think Neil asked her where she was going 654 00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:05,919 and then booked the same place, like he just said. 655 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:07,399 Let's go before she sees us! 656 00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:08,839 No, no. I've got to go and talk to her. 657 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,519 If there's even the slightest chance of us getting back together, 658 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:12,639 I've got to take it. 659 00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:14,159 Carli! 660 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:15,279 Carli? 661 00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:16,319 Simon?! 662 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:17,799 Oh, my God! What are you doing here? 663 00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:19,319 Stalking you abroad. 664 00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:21,759 No. The opposite, actually. Just a mix-up by my friends. 665 00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:23,919 My stupid fucking idiot friends. 666 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:25,719 Well, whatever. It's great to see you. 667 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:26,919 Is it?! 668 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:28,279 Yeah, it is. Course. 669 00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:30,399 Course. 670 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:33,839 So, as we're here, why don't we hang out? How about right now? 671 00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:37,359 Now? Oh, I can't now. But you'll be at the boat party on Friday, right? 672 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,879 The boat party? I was literally just talking about the boat party. 673 00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,079 It's gonna be amazing. The best way to round off our holiday. 674 00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,839 What? Why are you going? Don't go. 675 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:47,759 I've got to go. My flight leaves on Saturday. 676 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:49,639 The boat's our last chance to party. 677 00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:51,759 Right. Well, I'll definitely be there, then. 678 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:53,639 For total, one million per cent. Definitely. 679 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:55,559 Cool. It'll be great to hang out again. 680 00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:56,959 - I've missed you. - Hmm? 681 00:32:57,080 --> 00:32:58,559 Argh, Jesus! 682 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:00,799 - Fuck it! - Sorry, mate. 683 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:05,799 - James! Are you all right, Simon? - (WHIMPERS) Yeah, fine. Argh! 684 00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:07,559 I'll walk it off. 685 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:09,759 Cool, yeah. Carls, come on, we've gotta go. 686 00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:11,119 Oh, do you two know each other? 687 00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:12,279 Yeah, James is our rep. 688 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:16,439 Rep, unofficial rep. I sort out club nights. A bit of party organising, PR... 689 00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:19,879 Just make sure everyone's having a good time, you know what I mean? 690 00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:22,439 - Are you sure you're all right, mate? - All good... 691 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,559 Cool. Carls, come on. 692 00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:28,959 Bye, Simon. See you on the boat. 693 00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:31,679 See you, mate. Mind that leg. 694 00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:37,119 I'll sort you out a free fishbowl. 695 00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:38,399 Oi, baby, you stood me up! 696 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,519 Ah, didn't wait long enough, sweetheart. 697 00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:41,879 Come on, kiss me. 698 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:43,159 I'm working, darling. 699 00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:44,959 I love your boobs. 700 00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:46,119 What?! 701 00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:47,999 What gives you the right to touch me, you fucking prick? 702 00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:49,039 Wha...? 703 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:51,039 Sorry, I think he might've had a little too much of the old drink. 704 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,959 I am sick of every dickhead thinking he's got touching rights, 705 00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:57,519 just cos I smiled at him. It's my fucking job, you cretin! 706 00:33:57,640 --> 00:33:58,679 Are you on the blob? 707 00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:02,519 Sexy. I like it. 708 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,719 - No, Jay. Time for bed. - Fuck that! 709 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:08,119 You two can bum yourselves to death on the sofa bed. 710 00:34:08,240 --> 00:34:10,199 I'm going to get another drink. 711 00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:12,119 Jay, don't be insane. You're too drunk already. 712 00:34:12,240 --> 00:34:15,039 I'm on fucking holiday. You can't be too drunk! 713 00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:17,799 - You coming, Neil? - Nah, I like it in there. 714 00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:21,439 And not sleeping for two nights is pretty much the same as not sleeping for one. 715 00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:23,559 Right, fine. Fucking knobheads. 716 00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:25,559 How was your chat? 717 00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:29,319 Amazing. Carli is here, Will. That's what she was worried about, us being apart. 718 00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:31,039 That's why we split up. 719 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:32,559 But we're not apart, because we're both here. 720 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:34,079 I just need to get on that boat. 721 00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:36,999 Actually, can one of youse help me? I think she might be a two-man job. 722 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:44,239 What happened to your leg? 723 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:46,639 - Oh, I got a little bit run over. - "A little bit run over"?! 724 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:51,959 (WHOOPING) 725 00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:54,239 WILL: The next morning, I was woken up 726 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:57,919 by what sounded like Bigfoot having an asthma attack. 727 00:34:58,040 --> 00:34:59,359 (WHOOPING) 728 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:01,479 Simon... 729 00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:03,079 Simon! 730 00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:05,559 Christ, it's like a sauna in here. 731 00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:07,319 Have you got any water? 732 00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:08,839 (WHOOPING CONTINUES) 733 00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:10,679 What the fuck is that noise? 734 00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:12,239 I think it's Neil. 735 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,639 Oh, no, not the dinner lady from last night! 736 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:17,079 NEIL: I cannot understand a thing you say. 737 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:19,239 WOMAN: Spunk all over me bastard tits. 738 00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:21,679 Well, it's her or Johnny Vegas. 739 00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:25,479 WOMAN: Fucking smack it! Smack it, you little prick! 740 00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:27,759 - WOMAN: Is that all you've got? - NEIL: Shall I bite it? 741 00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:28,799 Interesting question. 742 00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:30,639 This is beyond creepy. 743 00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:33,519 WOMAN: Twist it right fookin' off! 744 00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:35,159 OK, I'm getting out of here! 745 00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:37,039 WOMAN: Harder! 746 00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:39,679 How can I have spent 100 euros? 747 00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:42,559 Holy shit, I only budgeted 15 euros a day! 748 00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:44,439 Great, so I spunked all my money 749 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:45,799 - in one night. - All right! 750 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:46,839 Oh, Jesus, Neil! 751 00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:50,159 Oh, don't worry about that. It's on the way down. Have you seen Jay? 752 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:51,479 Shit, no. Not since last night. 753 00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:53,839 No, I mean, have you seen him? He's over there. 754 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:02,239 (GROANS) 755 00:36:03,720 --> 00:36:06,079 WILL: So Jay had slept face down in the dirt. 756 00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:08,479 But I'd woken up listening to Neil getting sucked off. 757 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:10,639 As far as I was concerned, he won. 758 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:14,599 Urgh, ohhh! 759 00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:17,279 Face...! 760 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:18,919 Yeah, you've got something on your face. 761 00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:22,559 It appears Jay's slept in an ants' nest. 762 00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:25,279 Argh! Pain! 763 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:27,319 Tongue... 764 00:36:30,120 --> 00:36:34,599 It's all right, boys. Kitty don't bite. Not now she's been fed. 765 00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:36,679 Hey, lover? 766 00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:44,039 What the fuck was that?! 767 00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,279 WILL: I'll tell you what does bite, though. Ants. 768 00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:49,119 ...86, 87, 88. 769 00:36:49,240 --> 00:36:51,439 88 fucking bites. 770 00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:54,519 Ooh, sorry. I asked for two poached eggs? 771 00:36:54,640 --> 00:36:56,039 Is poached, look. 772 00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:59,719 No, this is fried. And "an egg", singular. 773 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:02,399 Yes, poached. I promise with all my heart. 774 00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:06,679 So, you're promising me, with all your heart, that this is two poached eggs? 775 00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:09,399 Yes. Burger? 776 00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:11,079 Oh, that's mine. 777 00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:14,279 Oi, I'm starving! Where's my bacon sandwich? 778 00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:16,959 I thought you'd have eaten enough pig last night... 779 00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:18,999 - Mate, what were you thinking?! - I dunno. 780 00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:20,839 She was saying all this dirty stuff and she looked a bit like Will's mum. 781 00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:22,839 - So I thought, why not? - She did not look like my mum, Neil. 782 00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:25,039 - She did a bit. - No, she did not. 783 00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:26,919 Bet she did when she had his cock in her mouth. 784 00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:28,039 - Brilliant(!) - Don't you feel bad about Nicole? 785 00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:30,639 - Who? - The girlfriend you just cheated on? 786 00:37:30,760 --> 00:37:32,919 Oh, no, no, cos only the tip went in. 787 00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:36,119 Any more than the tip is cheating, and I would never do that, cos I've got ethics. 788 00:37:36,240 --> 00:37:39,199 - Right... Well, see you lot later. - Where are you going? 789 00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:41,319 I'm going to find those girls. They should be at the hotel. 790 00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:43,239 Lucy said her rep could still get boat party tickets. 791 00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:45,279 Oh, wow. That's an interesting story(!) 792 00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:49,079 Well, it is, actually, because guess who's going to be there - Carli. 793 00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:50,199 Ow! 794 00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:53,759 Look, she invited me to the party. She said she missed me. 795 00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:55,319 There's got to be a chance she's... 796 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:56,639 On all fours, sucking that bloke off? 797 00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,199 No, she wants us to get back together. What bloke? 798 00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:01,319 Look, you're meant to be here to forget about Carli. 799 00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:02,599 Argh! 800 00:38:02,720 --> 00:38:04,919 - Not me, Neil! - I'll help you find them, Si. 801 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,759 They were fun. It'll be good to see them again. Alison was nice. 802 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:11,759 Fine, fuck it. I'll help. Shouldn't be too hard to find. 803 00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:14,039 Probably spot the lard arse I got stuck with from outer space. 804 00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:15,879 - Neil? - Can't, 805 00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:17,359 had a nightmare. I left my trunks in England. 806 00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:19,599 Just wear your Calvins, mate. They're practically the same. 807 00:38:19,720 --> 00:38:22,279 - Can I, Will? - Um, yeah, I suppose. 808 00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:25,359 - And can I bring a ball? - Yes, Neil. Yes, you can. 809 00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:31,039 WILL: Unsurprisingly, the girls' hotel was nicer than our hotel. 810 00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:34,399 There are North Korean prison camps which are nicer than our hotel. 811 00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:37,799 But, like a North Korean prison camp, it was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to sit. 812 00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:40,239 - What about there? - They've got towels on them, Neil. 813 00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:42,399 - So? - That means people have bagsied them. 814 00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:44,199 - We can't take those. - Fuck that! 815 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:47,239 - No, Jay, we can't! - Watch me! 816 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:48,599 It's probably just a load of Krauts 817 00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:50,479 that got down early in the morning to reserve 'em. 818 00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:52,199 That towel's got Finding Nemo on it. 819 00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:54,479 What, so Nazis can't like Disney too? 820 00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:58,839 - Jay! - Besides, I really need a lie down. 821 00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:01,119 My head's more fucked than Neil's dad's arsehole. 822 00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:02,479 Jay, please! 823 00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:04,239 WILL: Jay and Neil were off to, 824 00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:06,679 as they put it, "check out the chicas". 825 00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:08,399 But I had a serious problem. 826 00:39:08,520 --> 00:39:10,679 In the absence of my mother, or a teacher, 827 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:12,439 I needed help with my sunblock. 828 00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:13,759 Simon, will you do my back? 829 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:15,599 - No. - No?! 830 00:39:15,720 --> 00:39:18,559 - I don't want to touch you. - Unbelievable. 831 00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:20,039 Fine, I'll do it myself. 832 00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:28,519 Look all right, I'll do it with one finger. 833 00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:30,239 Thank you. 834 00:39:31,240 --> 00:39:34,959 You've got too much here. And here. I'll scrape it off. 835 00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:37,759 OK, but don't try and be funny and draw a cock on my back or something. 836 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:39,159 No, course not. 837 00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:42,959 Right, all done. 838 00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:45,159 See, that wasn't so bad, was it? 839 00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:47,479 No, that was fine. 840 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:49,719 WILL: I was really enjoying my book, 841 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:53,319 blissfully unaware of the crudely drawn phallus burning itself onto my skin. 842 00:39:53,440 --> 00:39:56,399 Meanwhile, Jay was having trouble with his emergency funds. 843 00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:59,399 - Are you all right? - Yeah, it's just that 20 euros. 844 00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:02,719 Ay-oh, Jay, here we go, we've been spotted. 845 00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:04,079 Seen 'em. 846 00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:05,239 Look cool. 847 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:13,919 (LAUGHS) Manchester. 848 00:40:15,200 --> 00:40:15,959 Manchester! 849 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,199 - Who's this little twat? - You from Manchester? 850 00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:19,279 You like Manchester? 851 00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:21,479 - Yeah, yeah. Near Manchester. - No, you aren't. 852 00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:23,559 Shut up, Neil, the birds are loving it. 853 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:27,559 - Goal! - (LAUGHS) Goal! 854 00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:30,079 Goal to Manchester! Yeah! 855 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:31,439 No. Manchester, down. 856 00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:33,759 (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 857 00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:35,759 Yeah, hilarious. Now, get out the way. 858 00:40:37,920 --> 00:40:38,879 Whoa! 859 00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:41,479 (LAUGHTER) 860 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:46,959 Right. You're fucking dead, you little shit! 861 00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:51,519 Mate, just leave it, the chicas are looking, just laugh it off. 862 00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:55,239 (FORCED LAUGHING) 863 00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:13,759 No, I'm fine for drinks, thanks. 864 00:41:13,880 --> 00:41:14,959 (CLEARS THROAT) 865 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,239 Oh! Alison. Hello! 866 00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:20,559 Hello. You know you've got a spunking cock on your back? 867 00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:22,119 What? 868 00:41:22,240 --> 00:41:23,799 Oh, no. Thanks, Simon, 869 00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,119 very funny, very mature. So I've been lying here with a cock on my back, have I? 870 00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:27,759 Not for the first time. 871 00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,279 I'll burn a muff on my tit if it makes you feel less self-conscious. 872 00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:32,799 It would, actually. We'd make quite the pair. 873 00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:34,799 You've got a really good spot here. 874 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:36,519 Yes, Jay, um...sort of, um... 875 00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:38,399 Did he use some of his boyish charm? 876 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:39,879 In a way, yes. 877 00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,919 I think I might start drinking again. Anyone fancy joining me? 878 00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:44,319 Um, yes, I will! 879 00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:45,559 Oh. 880 00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:48,119 Lucky me(!) 881 00:41:50,160 --> 00:41:52,039 Oh, I'm knackered. 882 00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:55,239 - Fishbowl hangover? - No. Nicos was over last night. 883 00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:57,079 Does not stop talking. 884 00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:58,759 No, we were having sex. 885 00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:00,599 Right. 886 00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:03,599 Sorry, does it make you uncomfortable when I mention sex? 887 00:42:03,720 --> 00:42:07,159 No! No, it's good, it's great that you're so... 888 00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:08,639 sexually active. 889 00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:11,399 Yeah, I suppose it is. 890 00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:15,719 - What's the best sex you've had, Will? - Well, um...hard to say, really. 891 00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:17,039 Come on, you can tell me. 892 00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:19,119 Oh! I don't like to sex and tell. 893 00:42:19,240 --> 00:42:20,959 Don't be boring, just tell me. 894 00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:23,959 Look, I'm going to level with you, 895 00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:26,879 I have never...put my penis in a lady. 896 00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:29,039 That's all right, you're a virgin, that's cool. 897 00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:31,639 It's definitely not cool. If anything, it's famously uncool. 898 00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:32,719 Well, it's cute, then. 899 00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:34,239 Oh, God, that's even worse. 900 00:42:34,360 --> 00:42:36,919 - You're funny, Will. - Well, that's something. 901 00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:38,879 Can I get a girl into bed for sex just by making her laugh? 902 00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:40,079 Course you can. 903 00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:41,919 Wow! Great. 904 00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:43,919 If she's a clinical moron. 905 00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:47,559 Lucy, it's so amazing to see you. 906 00:42:47,680 --> 00:42:50,039 What a welcome. Nice to see you too. 907 00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:52,119 Yeah. Good. Now, can you still get boat party tickets? 908 00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:54,839 I'd have thought so, I'd just have to go and find the rep. 909 00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:56,119 So are you coming along, then? 910 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:57,799 Yeah, course. It'll be amazing. 911 00:42:57,920 --> 00:42:58,839 Great. 912 00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:00,799 Cos Carli's here. In Malia. 913 00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:01,999 And she's going to be on the boat tomorrow. 914 00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,199 If I can just get five minutes alone with her, 915 00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:06,039 I know we'll fix things up, it's fate. 916 00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:08,919 So, can you go and get those tickets? 917 00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:11,279 You really know how to make a girl feel special, don't you? 918 00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:13,079 Yeah. Yeah, I know. 919 00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:14,439 Carli is going to love it. 920 00:43:14,560 --> 00:43:15,559 Can you hurry up? 921 00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:20,279 WILL: Simon's plan was coming together. 922 00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:23,999 Meanwhile, Jane was about to experience the full force of Jay's boyish charm. 923 00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:25,519 Can you move? You're blocking the sun. 924 00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:26,879 Charming! 925 00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:28,679 What's happened to your face, Jay? 926 00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:30,919 It's a food allergy. 927 00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:33,759 I could do with one of those, maybe an iced-bun allergy. 928 00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:35,319 Yeah. You could. 929 00:43:35,440 --> 00:43:38,399 Meanwhile, Neil had a surprise in store for Lisa. 930 00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:43,239 Forgot my trunks. 931 00:43:43,360 --> 00:43:45,519 Fancy a swim? 932 00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:50,119 Oh, leave it out, you little prick. 933 00:43:54,360 --> 00:43:56,399 Right, that's it! I'm going to fucking kill ya, 934 00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:58,119 - I'm going to fucking kill ya! - Oi! 935 00:43:58,240 --> 00:43:59,639 Those are our sunbeds. And where's our towels? 936 00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:01,319 Oh, good. 937 00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:03,199 Well, there weren't any towels when we arrived 938 00:44:03,320 --> 00:44:04,439 and we've been here for the last hour. 939 00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:06,799 I didn't ask to read your fucking diary, love. I said, "Where's our towels?" 940 00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:08,559 Now, there's no need to be abusive. 941 00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:10,159 If you look around, there are signs everywhere 942 00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:11,399 saying you can't reserve sunbeds. 943 00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:12,879 So you moved our towels? 944 00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:15,919 The point I'm making is, whatever the fate of the towels, 945 00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:17,319 these cannot be your beds. 946 00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:19,119 What have you done with my fucking towels?! 947 00:44:19,240 --> 00:44:21,559 Sir, I get you nice other beds, please, take up your stuff. 948 00:44:21,680 --> 00:44:23,199 Me?! What? 949 00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:24,279 Why should we move? 950 00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:25,399 Because he's made a scene? 951 00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:27,839 Because his family are too lazy to walk 20 feet to the pool? 952 00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:28,959 Seriously, mate, I am warning you. 953 00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:30,479 Why have a rule if you aren't going to enforce it? 954 00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:32,479 The signs are redundant. 955 00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:33,599 (WHIMPERING) 956 00:44:33,720 --> 00:44:36,439 My towel! (CRIES) 957 00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:37,839 Disabled. Course she is. 958 00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:38,879 Here you go. 959 00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:40,599 - Happy now? - Well, obviously not. 960 00:44:40,720 --> 00:44:42,519 (SCREECHES) 961 00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:45,119 And that isn't helping. 962 00:44:45,240 --> 00:44:46,959 You lot have got five seconds to get off my sunbeds. 963 00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:48,439 Right, come on, Will, we'll just find somewhere else. 964 00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:49,879 But I still don't see why we should move. 965 00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:51,839 Yes, his daughter has a serious condition, 966 00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:53,559 but it's not like the whole family 967 00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:55,359 are therefore entitled to pool-side seats for life. 968 00:44:55,480 --> 00:44:58,719 Plus, strictly speaking, she doesn't even need another chair. 969 00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:02,759 Are you guests at this hotel? 970 00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:06,519 Ah! No! I no swim! 971 00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:09,439 Please, mister, I no swim, I beg you. 972 00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:11,199 Not pool! 973 00:45:11,320 --> 00:45:12,559 Argh! 974 00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:13,599 All right. All right. 975 00:45:13,720 --> 00:45:15,959 It's just a joke! We're... We're mates! 976 00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:18,919 (GASPING AND LAUGHTER) 977 00:45:19,040 --> 00:45:21,199 So little, so little! 978 00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:22,319 Ah! 979 00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:39,119 Great. 980 00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:43,639 And with a rough grab from a BO-ridden security guard, 981 00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:46,879 Simon's perfect plan came crashing down. 982 00:45:48,400 --> 00:45:50,799 - Thanks a lot, Jay. - Me?! What have I done? 983 00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:52,239 Oh, I don't know... Oh, yeah! 984 00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:53,879 Fucked everything up for me, like you always do. 985 00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:56,279 I had to teach him a lesson, Si, he was mugging me off. 986 00:45:56,400 --> 00:45:58,079 He was nine years old and couldn't swim! 987 00:45:58,200 --> 00:46:00,839 - Now my life is ruined. Thanks. - Is this about the tickets? 988 00:46:00,960 --> 00:46:02,919 Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! 989 00:46:03,040 --> 00:46:04,599 So, you don't get to go to the boat party, so what?! 990 00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:06,399 So I don't get back together with the woman I love! 991 00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:08,359 Look, it's not my fault Carli thinks you're a prick. 992 00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:09,719 You want to watch me more closely, mate, 993 00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:11,119 - you might actually learn something. - Oh, yeah? 994 00:46:11,240 --> 00:46:12,399 And what would I learn? 995 00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:13,479 How to bullshit about having sex? 996 00:46:13,600 --> 00:46:14,839 How to sleep in an ants' nest? 997 00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:17,879 - How to be scared shitless of my dad?! - Oh, come on, Si, calm down. 998 00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:20,159 Maybe you'd learn not to be such a massive tool over that miserable cunt. 999 00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:21,999 Don't call Carli a cunt! 1000 00:46:34,440 --> 00:46:36,639 (PANTING) 1001 00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:43,119 - You had enough yet?! - Have you had enough yet? 1002 00:46:43,240 --> 00:46:44,759 - I asked first! - Ah... 1003 00:46:44,880 --> 00:46:46,159 - Uh! - We should do something. 1004 00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:47,639 Yeah, do you want to go and get a Subway? 1005 00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:50,279 No. I meant about the fight, we should break it up. 1006 00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:51,999 Yeah. 1007 00:46:52,120 --> 00:46:53,479 All right, come on, you two. 1008 00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:54,799 No! 1009 00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:56,279 Uh! 1010 00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:58,879 I'm sick of his bollocks, I'm going to fucking do him. 1011 00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:01,119 Oh, you're hard, Si, I didn't see you do me just now. 1012 00:47:01,240 --> 00:47:02,919 - Come back here, then, you prick. - Let's go for a walk! 1013 00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:04,399 - Don't cry, Si. - I'm not crying! 1014 00:47:04,520 --> 00:47:06,519 - You're crying! - Don't look like it, you're crying! 1015 00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:08,719 - Come here, then. - See you later, then, Will. 1016 00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:17,959 Honestly, I'm done with that arsehole. 1017 00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:19,599 I mean, why do I even hang round with him? 1018 00:47:19,720 --> 00:47:22,519 Well, yeah, obviously we all wonder that at times. 1019 00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:25,479 Look, it's been a tough couple of days, the Carli thing is weird, 1020 00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:26,679 but just cos you were in a fight with Jay, 1021 00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:27,959 - you don't have to leave. - I'm not leaving. 1022 00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:30,479 But you are aware you're packing your suitcase. 1023 00:47:34,880 --> 00:47:37,439 - I've never liked him. - You've been mates since primary school. 1024 00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:38,959 He's a little crybaby poof. 1025 00:47:39,080 --> 00:47:41,439 And his hair, everyone took the piss out of that. 1026 00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:43,199 But not me, I didn't. 1027 00:47:43,320 --> 00:47:44,359 Fucking wish I had now. 1028 00:47:44,480 --> 00:47:46,799 - You did a bit. - Well, no, course, a bit. 1029 00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:48,479 But...not enough. 1030 00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:49,839 He's a total twat! 1031 00:47:49,960 --> 00:47:52,799 Oh, that's harsh, mate. He can be a knob, but he's not a twat. 1032 00:47:52,920 --> 00:47:55,279 - I'm going to sell my clothes. - Oh, you're having a breakdown. 1033 00:47:55,400 --> 00:47:57,999 She means so much to me, Will, I don't care about anything else. 1034 00:47:58,120 --> 00:47:59,039 If I can get enough money together, 1035 00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:00,519 I can buy a ticket for the boat party off someone, 1036 00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:03,559 somehow, whatever it costs. Money is all I need. 1037 00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:05,239 I agree with you on money, but who's going to buy your clothes? 1038 00:48:05,360 --> 00:48:06,999 No of fence, but you dress appallingly. 1039 00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:08,879 Are you going to help or just constantly undermine me? 1040 00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:12,119 - Bit of both, I'd imagine. - Fine. 1041 00:48:12,240 --> 00:48:13,639 Do you think Alison likes me? 1042 00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:16,119 13 years he's been dragging me down. 1043 00:48:16,240 --> 00:48:17,599 Well...fuck him. 1044 00:48:17,720 --> 00:48:18,879 - What's that? - Boat party tickets, 1045 00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:19,999 I bought four the other night 1046 00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:22,239 before I passed out. Cost a fortune. 1047 00:48:22,360 --> 00:48:23,719 I thought I'd surprise him. 1048 00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:25,159 Well, here's his fucking surprise. 1049 00:48:25,280 --> 00:48:27,039 - Oh, no, Jay, don't. - No, fuck him! 1050 00:48:27,160 --> 00:48:29,439 And fuck that dick Will too. 1051 00:48:36,360 --> 00:48:38,199 What shall we do now, then? 1052 00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:41,159 Now we have the best holiday ever... 1053 00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:43,759 - and do what we came here to do! - Get better at swimming! 1054 00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:45,239 No. 1055 00:48:45,360 --> 00:48:47,839 Go on Pussay Patrol! 1056 00:48:47,960 --> 00:48:49,279 Unfortunately for him, 1057 00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:52,839 Simon wasn't the only person in Malia trying to sell shit no-one wanted. 1058 00:48:52,960 --> 00:48:53,959 - Looky, looky. Hello? - Hello! 1059 00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:55,799 - Looky. - Nice lady, good price. 1060 00:48:55,920 --> 00:48:57,159 Clothes? Looky, looky. 1061 00:48:57,280 --> 00:48:59,519 Top clothes for sale. You want clothes? Good price. 1062 00:48:59,640 --> 00:49:02,879 I think you'd have more luck selling the big glasses. 1063 00:49:03,000 --> 00:49:04,279 Isn't that Carli's friend? 1064 00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,919 He's a rep, I don't think they're really friends. 1065 00:49:06,040 --> 00:49:07,159 All right, mate? 1066 00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:08,639 What's this, the world's shittest boot fair? 1067 00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:11,079 Ha! No, just selling my clothes for some money. 1068 00:49:11,200 --> 00:49:12,119 I need money, desperately. 1069 00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:14,239 All right! Well, as luck would have it, 1070 00:49:14,360 --> 00:49:15,879 I've got a mate who's had his apartment broken into. 1071 00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:17,879 Fuckers nicked all his clothes. 1072 00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:19,719 I reckon he'll be interested, I'll call him. 1073 00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:21,399 That'd be amazing, thanks so much. 1074 00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:23,719 No problem, mate. All part of the service, yeah? 1075 00:49:23,840 --> 00:49:25,119 - See? - All right, mate? 1076 00:49:25,240 --> 00:49:27,199 Yeah, yeah. Got some clothes. 1077 00:49:27,320 --> 00:49:29,679 Yeah. Um, got some girls' T-shirts. 1078 00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:31,559 - These are girls', right? - No. 1079 00:49:31,680 --> 00:49:33,079 Hoodies like your mum would buy you. 1080 00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:34,639 The sort of jeans Jeremy Clarkson wears. 1081 00:49:34,760 --> 00:49:37,359 Oh, yeah, yeah! It's all shit, yeah. Hold on. 1082 00:49:37,480 --> 00:49:38,879 He says he'll give you 100 euros for the lot. 1083 00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:41,679 Amazing! Totally! Cool! 1084 00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:45,759 Coolie! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Thanks so much, man. 1085 00:49:45,880 --> 00:49:46,959 Including what you're wearing now. 1086 00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:49,999 - Really? - Yeah, yeah, that's the deal. 1087 00:49:50,120 --> 00:49:52,879 Obviously he's not going to take his clothes off. 1088 00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:54,519 Oh, nice one. 1089 00:49:54,640 --> 00:49:56,159 Oh! 1090 00:49:56,280 --> 00:49:58,559 He's going to need your pants too. 1091 00:49:58,680 --> 00:49:59,959 What, these? 1092 00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:01,159 Fuckin' thieves stole everything. 1093 00:50:01,280 --> 00:50:04,279 Gimme your pants, I'll be back before you know it with your 100 euros. 1094 00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:06,639 Sorry, this has gone too far. Simon, do not take your pants off. 1095 00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:08,959 Stop always telling me what to do, Will, I'm an adult! 1096 00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:11,399 James is doing me a favour, what are you doing, eh? 1097 00:50:14,920 --> 00:50:16,559 (SNIGGERING) 1098 00:50:17,880 --> 00:50:18,799 Here you are. 1099 00:50:18,920 --> 00:50:20,759 - You'll be right back, yeah? - Course I will. 1100 00:50:20,880 --> 00:50:22,479 I'll see you very soon. 1101 00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:26,839 Thanks, James. Thanks so much, man! 1102 00:50:33,360 --> 00:50:35,199 Yeah. Cheers, Abdul, good luck, mate. 1103 00:50:40,040 --> 00:50:41,439 James isn't coming back, is he? 1104 00:50:41,560 --> 00:50:42,519 Don't think so. 1105 00:50:42,640 --> 00:50:43,639 Brilliant. 1106 00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:47,199 So we made Simon some makeshift pants and headed home to get changed. 1107 00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:49,239 - (FARTS) - Simon, 1108 00:50:49,360 --> 00:50:51,759 - please, don't fart in my T-shirt. - Sorry. 1109 00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:54,119 (PEOPLE CHANTING) Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! 1110 00:50:54,240 --> 00:50:55,159 Interesting. 1111 00:50:55,280 --> 00:50:57,719 (CHEERING) 1112 00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:07,359 Mr Gilbert! Mr Gilbert! 1113 00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:08,479 Phil! 1114 00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:19,679 (ROARS) 1115 00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:27,599 At least somebody's enjoying themselves. 1116 00:51:28,040 --> 00:51:31,359 In just 24 hours, Malia had pretty much broken me and Simon, 1117 00:51:31,480 --> 00:51:33,119 so in a way I had to admire Jay and Neil 1118 00:51:33,240 --> 00:51:35,159 as they rolled up the sleeves on their offensive T-shirts 1119 00:51:35,280 --> 00:51:37,239 and dived straight back in. 1120 00:51:37,360 --> 00:51:39,479 (POUNDING DANCE MUSIC) 1121 00:51:59,120 --> 00:52:00,199 This place is mental. 1122 00:52:00,320 --> 00:52:02,959 It's decadent, Neil, that's what they call it. 1123 00:52:03,080 --> 00:52:04,679 This is what we came here for. 1124 00:52:04,800 --> 00:52:07,159 You wouldn't find those other two muppets in a place like this. 1125 00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:09,159 They'd just shit themselves and run away. 1126 00:52:10,200 --> 00:52:12,079 ANNOUNCER: And now all the way from Privilege in Ibiza, 1127 00:52:12,200 --> 00:52:14,199 we have a very, very special act. 1128 00:52:14,320 --> 00:52:17,119 It's probably some fit dancer who'll take one look at me 1129 00:52:17,240 --> 00:52:18,519 and wanna bang me all night. 1130 00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:19,759 Yeah, and we've got the best view. 1131 00:52:19,880 --> 00:52:21,519 I bet you'll be able to see right up the snatch from here. 1132 00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:23,839 This is it, Neil, this is a fucking holiday. 1133 00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:25,879 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome... 1134 00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:27,319 Fernando! 1135 00:52:27,440 --> 00:52:29,919 (CHEERING) 1136 00:52:39,520 --> 00:52:43,079 Must be like a cage fighter or martial-arts type thing. 1137 00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:54,479 (CHEERING) 1138 00:52:54,600 --> 00:52:56,599 Whoa! 1139 00:53:00,440 --> 00:53:01,559 Is this a bit gay? 1140 00:53:02,960 --> 00:53:04,319 No, it's decadent. 1141 00:53:04,440 --> 00:53:07,159 Let's have a big cheer for Fernando, 1142 00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:09,919 the master of self-fellatio! 1143 00:53:10,040 --> 00:53:12,239 (CHEERING) 1144 00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:14,479 I don't know if I like decadent things. 1145 00:53:20,920 --> 00:53:24,039 WILL: Jay and Neil never told us how close they came to Fernando's cock, 1146 00:53:24,160 --> 00:53:25,639 but they did say they could smell it. 1147 00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:27,719 And they were still having more fun than us. 1148 00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:31,559 Last two, shall we pretend they're pudding? 1149 00:53:31,680 --> 00:53:33,319 All right, fellas? 1150 00:53:33,440 --> 00:53:34,559 Romantic dinner, is it? 1151 00:53:34,680 --> 00:53:36,719 I've just had a 'mare, right? 1152 00:53:36,840 --> 00:53:39,119 Some massive body-building geezer came running out the bushes at me, 1153 00:53:39,240 --> 00:53:41,839 God knows why. Anyway, I've lamped him, he's gone flying... 1154 00:53:41,960 --> 00:53:43,239 (WHISPERS) I think I might have killed him. 1155 00:53:45,920 --> 00:53:48,439 OK, well, it's been lovely to chat, Richard... 1156 00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:50,079 - Can you lend us 50 quid? - Um, no. 1157 00:53:50,200 --> 00:53:51,879 Simple and clear. 30? 1158 00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:53,839 - No, we're going. - Are we? Where? 1159 00:53:53,960 --> 00:53:55,199 Terrible bar I know. See you later, Richard. 1160 00:53:55,320 --> 00:53:57,159 10? 10? 1161 00:53:57,280 --> 00:53:59,999 10? 10? 5?! 1162 00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:10,399 Here, look, it's that James bloke Carli's sucking off. 1163 00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:11,439 Oh, yeah. 1164 00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:13,519 See, now that looks like a proper laugh. 1165 00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:17,359 Neil, I think it's time the Pussay Patrol recruited some new members. 1166 00:54:19,040 --> 00:54:21,039 You all right, mate? 1167 00:54:23,040 --> 00:54:23,959 Do I know you? 1168 00:54:24,080 --> 00:54:25,479 Yeah, we're mates of Carli's. 1169 00:54:25,600 --> 00:54:26,559 Ah, yeah. 1170 00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:27,679 Carli Cling-on. 1171 00:54:27,800 --> 00:54:28,959 Nice girl, bit keen. 1172 00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:30,199 Yeah. 1173 00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:31,239 Our mate's in love with her, 1174 00:54:31,360 --> 00:54:32,559 - the fucking dick. - Oh, is he? 1175 00:54:32,680 --> 00:54:35,199 Well, tell him he can have a sniff on these if he's lucky. 1176 00:54:35,320 --> 00:54:37,719 Yeah, well, no, he's not really a mate. 1177 00:54:37,840 --> 00:54:39,879 We ditched him, yeah, he's too tragic. 1178 00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:45,759 It's a wicked place, this. Nice vibe. 1179 00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:48,319 What, you think a bloke sucking his own cock is wicked? 1180 00:54:48,440 --> 00:54:49,359 Are you bent? 1181 00:54:49,480 --> 00:54:50,719 (LAUGHTER) 1182 00:54:50,840 --> 00:54:52,319 No, course not. 1183 00:54:52,440 --> 00:54:53,799 We're the Pussay Patrol. 1184 00:54:53,920 --> 00:54:54,839 Pussay Patrol?! 1185 00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:57,719 More like the Bumming Brigade. 1186 00:54:57,840 --> 00:55:00,559 The only pussy you'll get will be a cat. 1187 00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:03,839 Oi! 1188 00:55:03,960 --> 00:55:06,799 I said, the only pussy they'll get will be a cat. 1189 00:55:06,920 --> 00:55:10,239 You know, like one of them stray cats you get round here. 1190 00:55:10,360 --> 00:55:13,279 - Oh, good one! - Fuck you, you lanky prick. 1191 00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:14,959 You two are fucking me off. Get out of my face. 1192 00:55:15,080 --> 00:55:17,679 Oh, no, come on, we're having a laugh, we're all right here. 1193 00:55:17,800 --> 00:55:20,279 You're not fucking all right anywhere, you scrawny little cunt. 1194 00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:22,879 Now fuck off before I put a glass in your throat. 1195 00:55:31,440 --> 00:55:32,799 You all right, Jay? 1196 00:55:32,920 --> 00:55:34,599 Yeah. (SNIFFS) 1197 00:55:34,720 --> 00:55:35,639 Are you crying? 1198 00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:38,359 No, it's just the smoke in here. 1199 00:55:38,480 --> 00:55:39,399 There isn't any. 1200 00:55:39,520 --> 00:55:41,679 Yeah, that's what I mean. 1201 00:55:41,800 --> 00:55:43,359 Do you want to go somewhere not decadent? 1202 00:56:10,920 --> 00:56:13,719 So what happens now? It's probably a bit far 1203 00:56:13,840 --> 00:56:15,839 for my dad to come and pick us up. 1204 00:56:17,920 --> 00:56:20,559 - Oh, great. - WILL: Be nice, 1205 00:56:20,680 --> 00:56:22,159 maybe he's come to apologise. 1206 00:56:33,480 --> 00:56:34,399 All right? 1207 00:56:34,520 --> 00:56:35,519 We were just leaving, actually. 1208 00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:37,679 - Oh, don't cry, Simon. - I'm not crying. 1209 00:56:37,800 --> 00:56:38,719 No, Jay, it was you that was crying, 1210 00:56:38,840 --> 00:56:39,959 - remember? - Neil! 1211 00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:42,159 Come on, Si, sit down, let's all share a fishbowl. 1212 00:56:42,280 --> 00:56:43,999 - We're totally out of cash. - Yeah. 1213 00:56:44,120 --> 00:56:45,559 We're not all lucky enough to have had a relative die. 1214 00:56:45,680 --> 00:56:47,359 Well, you're clearly fucked without me, 1215 00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:48,879 so I was going to offer to pay for your drinks, 1216 00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:50,239 but if you're going to be a baby about it, 1217 00:56:50,360 --> 00:56:51,919 - then fuck it. - Were you really? 1218 00:56:53,000 --> 00:56:56,679 Well, I'm not arsed either way, but if I have to...yes. 1219 00:56:56,800 --> 00:56:58,079 Si? 1220 00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:02,039 All right, thank you, Jay. 1221 00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:04,919 Shake. 1222 00:57:11,360 --> 00:57:13,319 Group hug? 1223 00:57:15,040 --> 00:57:16,559 (NEIL GUFFAWS) 1224 00:57:16,680 --> 00:57:18,879 Oh, go on, Neil, just one more suicide shot. 1225 00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:20,159 Fuckin' hell. 1226 00:57:34,920 --> 00:57:35,999 Right. Tenner, please. 1227 00:57:36,120 --> 00:57:38,679 - Sorry, mate, had my fingers crossed. - Oh, not again! 1228 00:57:40,160 --> 00:57:42,679 WILL: Oh, my God! I never expected to see them again. 1229 00:57:42,800 --> 00:57:44,759 Doesn't matter, though, does it? Cos even if Lucy 1230 00:57:44,880 --> 00:57:47,119 can get a ticket for the boat party, I now can't afford one. 1231 00:57:47,240 --> 00:57:50,039 Yes, but incredible as it may seem, Simon, I wasn't thinking about you. 1232 00:57:50,160 --> 00:57:51,119 JANE: Hi, guys. 1233 00:57:51,240 --> 00:57:53,439 Taking a break from drowning children? 1234 00:57:53,560 --> 00:57:54,479 We are. 1235 00:57:54,600 --> 00:57:56,039 And welcome back to Malia's least-cool bar. 1236 00:57:56,160 --> 00:57:57,279 We're regulars, obviously. 1237 00:57:57,400 --> 00:57:58,879 Surprised to see you here again. 1238 00:57:59,000 --> 00:58:01,479 Well, it's the only place we've been where the blokes weren't total animals. 1239 00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:03,559 I'll take that as a compliment. Hello, by the way. 1240 00:58:03,680 --> 00:58:04,759 Hello, Spectacles. 1241 00:58:04,880 --> 00:58:06,919 Still going to get shit-faced, though. Shots only? 1242 00:58:07,040 --> 00:58:09,199 - Are you man enough, Jay-bo? - Course. 1243 00:58:09,320 --> 00:58:10,519 Thought you would be. 1244 00:58:10,640 --> 00:58:13,199 Obviously we now rated as so sexually non-threatening 1245 00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:14,679 that these girls were happy to drink with us. 1246 00:58:14,800 --> 00:58:17,559 But to be fair, I'd take that every time. 1247 00:58:18,760 --> 00:58:20,839 So I've been thinking, about us... 1248 00:58:20,960 --> 00:58:23,079 - What, the four of you? - No, me and you. 1249 00:58:23,200 --> 00:58:24,119 Well, there is no "us", 1250 00:58:24,240 --> 00:58:26,599 so that must have been a weird thought process, but go on. 1251 00:58:26,720 --> 00:58:29,319 - I'm not sure Nicos is right for you. - Interesting. 1252 00:58:29,440 --> 00:58:32,159 Why wouldn't my sexy, charming, caring boyfriend, 1253 00:58:32,280 --> 00:58:33,959 who is also a sensational lover, 1254 00:58:34,080 --> 00:58:36,119 - be right for me? - You'd say sensational, would you? 1255 00:58:36,240 --> 00:58:37,959 - Mmm. - Mmm. 1256 00:58:38,080 --> 00:58:40,239 It was nice of Richard Branson to lend you an outfit. 1257 00:58:40,360 --> 00:58:41,679 It's Neil's. Is it really that bad? 1258 00:58:42,840 --> 00:58:45,639 Well, at least you look fantastic. Right, there's only one thing for it, 1259 00:58:45,760 --> 00:58:46,679 we're going to say, "fuck it", 1260 00:58:46,800 --> 00:58:48,999 and do shots until one of us is sick through our nose. My money's on me. 1261 00:58:49,120 --> 00:58:50,919 Four monkey brains, please. 1262 00:58:51,040 --> 00:58:53,039 I like this Simon, he's fun. 1263 00:58:53,160 --> 00:58:54,679 Thanks very much. 1264 00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:55,919 - Cheers! - Cheers. 1265 00:58:56,040 --> 00:58:57,279 Oh, actually, can you pay? 1266 00:59:01,760 --> 00:59:02,799 Right, next! 1267 00:59:02,920 --> 00:59:04,279 No, no. I can't have another one. 1268 00:59:04,400 --> 00:59:06,159 I'm sorry, didn't realise you were a lightweight. 1269 00:59:06,280 --> 00:59:08,599 - What? - Lightweight. Light-weight. 1270 00:59:08,720 --> 00:59:10,039 You're one to talk about lightweights. 1271 00:59:10,160 --> 00:59:11,399 What do you mean? 1272 00:59:11,520 --> 00:59:13,279 Oh. Cos I'm fat? 1273 00:59:13,400 --> 00:59:14,879 No. 1274 00:59:15,000 --> 00:59:18,319 What I...mean, Jane, is... 1275 00:59:18,440 --> 00:59:19,919 I'm gonna drink you under the table. 1276 00:59:20,040 --> 00:59:21,279 You're trouble, aren't you? 1277 00:59:24,600 --> 00:59:25,839 You're funny. 1278 00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:28,639 That is why I know you don't have to worry about getting laid. 1279 00:59:28,760 --> 00:59:30,359 Um, did I say I was worried? 1280 00:59:30,480 --> 00:59:32,039 No, but it's obvious that you are, 1281 00:59:32,160 --> 00:59:33,799 and you think that somehow I'm the answer. 1282 00:59:33,920 --> 00:59:35,599 Well, I am not, and you will be fine. 1283 00:59:35,720 --> 00:59:38,199 I think you might be, though. 1284 00:59:38,320 --> 00:59:39,599 Nonsense. 1285 00:59:39,720 --> 00:59:42,479 You know, in fact, I am so confident I will make a pact with you. 1286 00:59:42,600 --> 00:59:45,199 If you still haven't had sex by this time next year, 1287 00:59:45,320 --> 00:59:46,399 I'll have sex with you. 1288 00:59:46,520 --> 00:59:48,799 As long as I'm not with Nicos, of course. 1289 00:59:48,920 --> 00:59:50,079 Of course. 1290 00:59:50,200 --> 00:59:51,399 Um... 1291 00:59:51,520 --> 00:59:52,839 this is a joke, right? 1292 00:59:55,360 --> 00:59:56,439 A handshake's good... 1293 00:59:56,560 --> 00:59:58,479 is it possible to get it in writing? 1294 00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:00,199 See? Funny. 1295 01:00:00,320 --> 01:00:03,239 Yes, ha-ha-ha. Hmm. 1296 01:00:03,360 --> 01:00:05,999 You all right, Lise? Where's Neil? 1297 01:00:11,720 --> 01:00:13,599 He is literally incredible. 1298 01:00:15,800 --> 01:00:17,159 Come on, Lise, we're getting out of here. 1299 01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:18,999 Let's go for a swim. Come on, you. 1300 01:00:20,440 --> 01:00:21,359 You coming swimming? 1301 01:00:21,480 --> 01:00:23,359 Oh. I can't cos I haven't brought my swimming costume. 1302 01:00:23,480 --> 01:00:26,079 Oh, no! I haven't brought mine either. 1303 01:00:26,200 --> 01:00:27,519 Really? What are you going to do? 1304 01:00:27,640 --> 01:00:30,559 Well, I'm going to go in naked. Are you? 1305 01:00:31,920 --> 01:00:34,199 Oh, right. Yeah, me too. 1306 01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:37,359 Totally naked. 1307 01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:39,199 Are they really going skinny dipping? 1308 01:00:39,320 --> 01:00:41,239 - If I know Jane, probably, yeah. - Really? 1309 01:00:41,360 --> 01:00:44,119 - Fucking hell, really?! - Yes. 1310 01:00:44,240 --> 01:00:45,879 And... 1311 01:00:47,160 --> 01:00:48,079 ...what about you? 1312 01:00:48,200 --> 01:00:51,759 Well, I'm meeting Nicos in half an hour. 1313 01:00:51,880 --> 01:00:53,199 Course. 1314 01:00:53,320 --> 01:00:54,919 So I reckon I've got time for a quick dip. 1315 01:00:55,040 --> 01:00:57,319 Alison was hopelessly out of my league. 1316 01:00:57,440 --> 01:00:59,239 And yet, and yet... 1317 01:00:59,360 --> 01:01:00,719 No, I had no fucking chance. 1318 01:01:01,160 --> 01:01:02,759 (GIGGLES) 1319 01:01:07,040 --> 01:01:09,519 Come on. What are you doing? 1320 01:01:09,640 --> 01:01:10,799 Get it off. 1321 01:01:10,920 --> 01:01:13,159 No, yeah. Good. I will. 1322 01:01:13,280 --> 01:01:14,719 Go on, then. 1323 01:01:14,840 --> 01:01:16,359 All in good time. 1324 01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:19,559 I'll look away, if you like. 1325 01:01:19,680 --> 01:01:22,399 Um, yeah, that would be nice, thank you. 1326 01:01:24,680 --> 01:01:27,359 OK, so, I'm looking away now. 1327 01:01:31,560 --> 01:01:33,519 And so for only the second time today, 1328 01:01:33,640 --> 01:01:35,759 Simon was tricked into getting naked. 1329 01:01:35,880 --> 01:01:38,759 Further along the beach, for the first time ever, Jay was close 1330 01:01:38,880 --> 01:01:41,799 to seeing some naked women not on a computer screen. 1331 01:01:46,120 --> 01:01:47,919 Come on, Jay, don't be shy. 1332 01:01:48,040 --> 01:01:49,799 I'll take it all off if you will. 1333 01:01:49,920 --> 01:01:52,479 Um, all right, just...give me a minute. 1334 01:01:52,600 --> 01:01:54,999 Are you scared that you won't be able to control yourself? 1335 01:01:55,120 --> 01:01:58,359 MAN: She's a big girl. She is a big girl. 1336 01:01:58,480 --> 01:02:01,239 Can't take it any more, just give us a snog. 1337 01:02:01,360 --> 01:02:03,319 Um...all right. 1338 01:02:03,440 --> 01:02:06,999 But...let's go somewhere secret. 1339 01:02:07,120 --> 01:02:08,399 Secret? 1340 01:02:08,520 --> 01:02:09,719 Just give us a snog here. 1341 01:02:09,840 --> 01:02:11,159 Nah. 1342 01:02:11,280 --> 01:02:13,839 Let's go somewhere people can't see us. 1343 01:02:13,960 --> 01:02:16,879 - OK? - Fucking whale on the beach. 1344 01:02:18,400 --> 01:02:19,799 Actually...forget it. 1345 01:02:19,920 --> 01:02:22,479 I've already seen your cock, and it wasn't pretty. 1346 01:02:29,800 --> 01:02:31,999 All I'm saying is that, logically, 1347 01:02:32,120 --> 01:02:33,919 we might not have to wait a year to have sex. 1348 01:02:34,040 --> 01:02:35,359 - Oh, really? - Yeah. 1349 01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:39,039 I mean, once you remove Nicos from the equation and think, as I say, logically, 1350 01:02:39,160 --> 01:02:40,839 it really makes no sense to wait that long. 1351 01:02:40,960 --> 01:02:43,759 Do you find that your logic talks a lot of girls into bed? 1352 01:02:43,880 --> 01:02:45,239 Well, no. 1353 01:02:45,360 --> 01:02:46,279 I was just curious to know 1354 01:02:46,400 --> 01:02:50,039 whether this kind of relentless, pedantic chat is a big hit with the other chicks. 1355 01:02:50,160 --> 01:02:53,719 - Well, obviously, it isn't. - Thought not. 1356 01:03:00,680 --> 01:03:02,719 What are you waiting for? 1357 01:03:03,800 --> 01:03:05,559 Um...I don't know. 1358 01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:08,239 OK. 1359 01:03:39,920 --> 01:03:42,039 (SIGHS) Take your clothes off. 1360 01:04:22,880 --> 01:04:25,239 That's it till next year, I'm afraid! 1361 01:04:27,400 --> 01:04:28,319 I've lost my glasses. 1362 01:04:28,440 --> 01:04:30,199 I've lost my glasses! 1363 01:04:30,320 --> 01:04:31,519 God, it's freezing in here. 1364 01:04:31,640 --> 01:04:33,159 Don't be such a wuss. 1365 01:04:33,280 --> 01:04:34,639 Ah! 1366 01:04:34,760 --> 01:04:37,119 That's right, let's get someone's hair wet, shall we? 1367 01:04:37,240 --> 01:04:39,719 It always looks wet anyway, gel-boy. 1368 01:04:39,840 --> 01:04:41,599 Right, how's this for a wet look, then? 1369 01:04:43,240 --> 01:04:44,639 (GASPS) 1370 01:04:44,760 --> 01:04:46,519 (COUGHS) 1371 01:04:46,640 --> 01:04:48,559 Oh, shit, sorry. 1372 01:05:05,120 --> 01:05:06,639 Carli! 1373 01:05:08,120 --> 01:05:09,479 Carli, over here! 1374 01:05:09,600 --> 01:05:12,839 Carli, over here! Carls! 1375 01:05:12,960 --> 01:05:14,879 Carls. 1376 01:05:16,080 --> 01:05:17,919 Come on, Will, it feels amazing! 1377 01:05:18,040 --> 01:05:19,559 Just getting my glasses! 1378 01:05:19,680 --> 01:05:21,559 You're not wussing out on me, are you? 1379 01:05:21,680 --> 01:05:23,479 Nope! As soon as I'm not blind, 1380 01:05:23,600 --> 01:05:26,079 I'll be right over with you and the other naked ladies. 1381 01:05:26,200 --> 01:05:27,879 Well, hurry up or I'm getting out! 1382 01:05:28,000 --> 01:05:31,519 - Jesus Christ, come on! Where are they? - (MOANING) 1383 01:05:31,640 --> 01:05:32,799 (SQUEALING) 1384 01:05:32,920 --> 01:05:35,039 - What the...fuck are you doing? - I'm really sorry, 1385 01:05:35,160 --> 01:05:36,439 I tripped. I've lost my glasses. 1386 01:05:36,560 --> 01:05:38,839 You've got a big problem now, mister, a big fucking problem. 1387 01:05:38,960 --> 01:05:40,159 Oh, God. I'm so sorry, 1388 01:05:40,280 --> 01:05:41,999 I didn't know you were down there, doing that. 1389 01:05:42,120 --> 01:05:45,119 - (SPEAKS GREEK) - Help! 1390 01:05:45,240 --> 01:05:47,359 I'm really sorry, mate. Help me! 1391 01:05:47,480 --> 01:05:49,439 (SPEAKS GREEK) 1392 01:05:49,560 --> 01:05:50,759 Nicos? 1393 01:05:50,880 --> 01:05:52,519 Alison? 1394 01:05:52,640 --> 01:05:53,759 What are you doing? 1395 01:05:53,880 --> 01:05:55,959 WOMAN: How does she know your fucking name, Nicos? 1396 01:05:56,080 --> 01:05:58,639 Donna, I just need you to be a little bit quiet for five minutes, please... 1397 01:05:58,760 --> 01:05:59,719 Who the fuck is that?! 1398 01:05:59,840 --> 01:06:02,359 Come and sit down with me, I want to talk to you. 1399 01:06:02,480 --> 01:06:04,959 We're supposed to be meeting up in 15 minutes, 1400 01:06:05,080 --> 01:06:06,959 - you utter, utter scumbag! - Glasses? 1401 01:06:07,080 --> 01:06:08,279 - Glasses? - It's OK, it's OK. 1402 01:06:08,400 --> 01:06:09,799 Glasses? Ooh! 1403 01:06:09,920 --> 01:06:11,199 There they are. 1404 01:06:11,320 --> 01:06:14,679 Alison, I love you, I love you, you are the only girl for me, 1405 01:06:14,800 --> 01:06:16,439 there no other girl in my life. 1406 01:06:16,560 --> 01:06:18,079 Now, where have we heard that before? 1407 01:06:18,200 --> 01:06:19,679 Oh, just shut up, Will! 1408 01:06:19,800 --> 01:06:21,559 Baby, you know this weirdo? 1409 01:06:21,680 --> 01:06:23,679 I am not your fucking baby! 1410 01:06:23,800 --> 01:06:25,959 Alison, wait! 1411 01:06:26,080 --> 01:06:27,799 Simon. 1412 01:06:27,920 --> 01:06:29,399 Are you swimming naked? 1413 01:06:29,520 --> 01:06:30,639 Hell, yeah. 1414 01:06:30,760 --> 01:06:32,639 - That's not like you. - Well, I'm on holidays, 1415 01:06:32,760 --> 01:06:34,479 so who knows, maybe it's a new me? 1416 01:06:34,600 --> 01:06:35,959 Oh, right. 1417 01:06:36,080 --> 01:06:37,759 I like the old you. 1418 01:06:37,880 --> 01:06:39,399 Hmm. 1419 01:06:39,520 --> 01:06:41,759 OK, well, I'm off to bed. 1420 01:06:41,880 --> 01:06:42,799 Can I come? 1421 01:06:42,920 --> 01:06:44,239 To bed? 1422 01:06:44,360 --> 01:06:47,039 - No, sure. I'm all wet anyway, so... - Look, 1423 01:06:47,160 --> 01:06:50,319 I'm knackered, I've had a shitty night, I just want to be alone. 1424 01:06:50,440 --> 01:06:53,559 But I'll see you at the boat party. We can catch up properly there, OK? 1425 01:06:53,680 --> 01:06:55,759 Yeah, course. 1426 01:06:55,880 --> 01:06:58,079 - See you at the boat party. - Great. 1427 01:06:58,200 --> 01:06:59,159 See ya! 1428 01:06:59,280 --> 01:07:01,719 - I miss you too. - Sorry? 1429 01:07:01,840 --> 01:07:03,079 You said it the other night? 1430 01:07:03,200 --> 01:07:04,999 Oh, yeah. 1431 01:07:12,960 --> 01:07:16,119 Lucy! Lucy! 1432 01:07:16,240 --> 01:07:18,799 Alison, wait! I'll come with you! 1433 01:07:18,920 --> 01:07:21,239 - I want to be on my own! - Um... 1434 01:07:21,360 --> 01:07:22,519 You're not expecting me to hit him or anything, 1435 01:07:22,640 --> 01:07:24,199 - are you? - No! 1436 01:07:24,320 --> 01:07:25,279 - Good. - I don't expect 1437 01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:27,079 anything from anyone but disappointment. 1438 01:07:27,200 --> 01:07:28,679 You'll love me, then. 1439 01:07:28,800 --> 01:07:32,159 And I will never have sex with anyone again for as long as I live, 1440 01:07:32,280 --> 01:07:33,359 and certainly not with you. 1441 01:07:33,480 --> 01:07:34,679 So just fuck off! 1442 01:07:34,800 --> 01:07:36,519 All of you, just fuck off! 1443 01:07:36,640 --> 01:07:38,439 Does this affect our deal? 1444 01:07:38,560 --> 01:07:40,119 Fuck your deal! 1445 01:07:43,520 --> 01:07:45,399 - Ahhhh! - (MUTTERS IN GREEK) 1446 01:07:47,240 --> 01:07:48,239 Lucy. 1447 01:07:48,360 --> 01:07:50,199 Oh! Are you getting out? 1448 01:07:50,320 --> 01:07:53,399 - Yes. - That was Carli, did you see her? 1449 01:07:54,800 --> 01:07:55,719 Yeah. 1450 01:07:55,840 --> 01:07:57,039 It was dark, but I saw her. 1451 01:07:57,160 --> 01:07:58,359 Isn't she beautiful? 1452 01:07:58,480 --> 01:08:00,399 Yes, she's very beautiful. 1453 01:08:01,520 --> 01:08:03,279 I'm going now. 1454 01:08:03,400 --> 01:08:05,039 Oh. OK! 1455 01:08:31,160 --> 01:08:33,519 - All right? - I've been better. 1456 01:08:33,640 --> 01:08:35,839 - What are you doing? - I'm thinking. 1457 01:08:35,960 --> 01:08:37,359 About how shit the holiday is? 1458 01:08:37,480 --> 01:08:40,319 Partly that. Partly I'm thinking about putting stones in my pockets 1459 01:08:40,440 --> 01:08:41,559 and chucking myself in the pool. 1460 01:08:41,680 --> 01:08:44,039 Oh, I wouldn't swim in that, it's rank. 1461 01:08:44,160 --> 01:08:45,079 Right. 1462 01:08:45,200 --> 01:08:46,439 Also, if you put stones in your pockets, 1463 01:08:46,560 --> 01:08:49,119 you'll sink, so...better to not have the stones, really. 1464 01:08:49,240 --> 01:08:50,959 I'll bear that in mind, Neil. 1465 01:08:53,000 --> 01:08:56,959 I stopped believing in God when I realised it was just "dog" backwards. 1466 01:08:57,080 --> 01:08:58,439 What? 1467 01:08:58,560 --> 01:09:02,199 Well, when you think about it - G-O-D, D-O-G. 1468 01:09:02,320 --> 01:09:04,399 It's like an anagram, but a backwards one, innit? 1469 01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:05,679 Right. 1470 01:09:05,800 --> 01:09:08,319 And then, after that, I just stopped worrying about stuff. 1471 01:09:08,440 --> 01:09:11,479 You only get one go round, I reckon. When you're dead, you're dead. 1472 01:09:11,600 --> 01:09:13,959 So you can spend your time thinking about how things haven't gone perfect 1473 01:09:14,080 --> 01:09:16,799 or you can just get on with it, have a laugh and that. 1474 01:09:16,920 --> 01:09:18,479 That's what I do, I'm pretty happy. 1475 01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:21,439 You are, aren't you? 1476 01:09:21,560 --> 01:09:22,639 Yeah! 1477 01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:25,239 Thanks, Neil. Thanks for that. 1478 01:09:25,360 --> 01:09:28,439 Just remember, it's D-O-G backwards. 1479 01:09:28,560 --> 01:09:29,839 No, not that. 1480 01:09:29,960 --> 01:09:31,999 No of fence, but that's moronic. No, thanks for coming to cheer me up. 1481 01:09:32,120 --> 01:09:33,399 I didn't come to cheer you up, 1482 01:09:33,520 --> 01:09:35,319 I come to say I did a shit in the children's toilet 1483 01:09:35,440 --> 01:09:36,599 and I can't get rid of it. 1484 01:09:36,720 --> 01:09:38,039 Oh, God! 1485 01:09:39,280 --> 01:09:41,639 Cos I thought I'd try something different, you know? As a treat. 1486 01:09:42,040 --> 01:09:43,839 - Oh... - Oh! 1487 01:09:44,880 --> 01:09:46,199 Oh! 1488 01:09:46,320 --> 01:09:47,839 Neil, what the fuck has gone into that? 1489 01:09:47,960 --> 01:09:49,679 Have you been eating tear gas? 1490 01:09:49,800 --> 01:09:51,199 No, it's just a bit beery. 1491 01:09:51,320 --> 01:09:53,119 And that meatiness is probably the kebabs. 1492 01:09:54,240 --> 01:09:56,199 OK, that's it. Neil, you were right. 1493 01:09:56,320 --> 01:09:57,279 It may not be paradise, 1494 01:09:57,400 --> 01:09:59,159 but we can at least try and enjoy this place for exactly what it is. 1495 01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:00,399 A shithole? 1496 01:10:00,520 --> 01:10:02,199 Yes, but it's our shithole, so let's get out there 1497 01:10:02,320 --> 01:10:04,879 and get royally fucked up on Jay's dead grandad's money. 1498 01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:06,479 It's what he would have wanted. 1499 01:10:06,600 --> 01:10:09,239 If we get fined 50 euros, Neil, you're paying it. 1500 01:10:09,360 --> 01:10:11,439 - But it's not on the floor. - Some of it is on the floor. 1501 01:10:11,560 --> 01:10:13,079 Well, yeah, some of it. 1502 01:10:13,200 --> 01:10:17,199 (# MIKE SKINNER: Clunge In A Barrel) 1503 01:10:21,240 --> 01:11:16,679 # I know you're there 1504 01:11:28,920 --> 01:11:46,759 # It's my sound 1505 01:11:46,880 --> 01:11:49,839 # It's my... It's my... It's my... # 1506 01:11:49,960 --> 01:11:52,559 (SONG DISTORTS) 1507 01:11:55,680 --> 01:11:57,919 Is this normal enough for you? 1508 01:11:58,040 --> 01:12:00,159 - Probably a bit too normal. - (LAUGHTER) 1509 01:12:00,280 --> 01:12:01,679 (WILL SPLUTTERS) 1510 01:12:03,800 --> 01:12:05,679 (COUGHS) 1511 01:12:05,800 --> 01:12:07,559 SIMON: I'm almost going to miss him when I'm at uni. 1512 01:12:07,680 --> 01:12:09,359 When he's at uni, you mean. 1513 01:12:09,480 --> 01:12:12,919 - Yeah, but I'll be at uni too. - Will ya? 1514 01:12:13,040 --> 01:12:14,799 - What, this year? - In a few weeks. 1515 01:12:14,920 --> 01:12:17,879 Oh, what? Just cos Will's going? 1516 01:12:18,000 --> 01:12:20,839 - No. Cos I want to. - Well...what about me? 1517 01:12:20,960 --> 01:12:22,159 What? 1518 01:12:23,240 --> 01:12:24,879 Well, what am I going to do? 1519 01:12:26,560 --> 01:12:29,199 Um...I don't know. 1520 01:12:30,880 --> 01:12:32,319 Look, I thought you knew I was going to uni. 1521 01:12:33,560 --> 01:12:35,239 Yeah, course. No, but... 1522 01:12:35,360 --> 01:12:37,279 it's just that I was going to use my grandad's money 1523 01:12:37,400 --> 01:12:40,239 to set us up in business, selling car stereos 1524 01:12:40,360 --> 01:12:41,759 to Premiership footballers. 1525 01:12:41,880 --> 01:12:43,679 Neil was going to work in the depot, but... 1526 01:12:43,800 --> 01:12:46,879 me, you and Rio Ferdinand are on sales, like, having a laugh and that. 1527 01:12:47,960 --> 01:12:49,119 Oh, right. 1528 01:12:49,240 --> 01:12:51,279 Yeah, I'm going to do sociology. 1529 01:12:53,080 --> 01:12:54,279 Fuck. 1530 01:12:55,560 --> 01:12:58,959 I'm sorry I ripped your tickets up now. Could have had a bit of a send-off. 1531 01:13:00,240 --> 01:13:02,239 - What tickets? - Boat party ones. 1532 01:13:02,360 --> 01:13:05,599 I bought them when I was pissed the other night. I thought I'd surprise you. 1533 01:13:06,960 --> 01:13:09,599 - Oh, well. - You what... You tore them up?! 1534 01:13:10,880 --> 01:13:14,279 - Yeah. - What, after we had the fight? 1535 01:13:14,400 --> 01:13:17,639 Yeah, I...I was angry cos you had a go, and that. 1536 01:13:17,760 --> 01:13:19,759 Yeah, sure. 1537 01:13:21,720 --> 01:13:22,839 Makes sense. 1538 01:13:26,600 --> 01:13:27,639 You fucking arsehole! 1539 01:13:27,760 --> 01:13:29,919 Yeah? You want me to fucking mash you up again, 1540 01:13:30,040 --> 01:13:30,959 - do ya? - Yeah! 1541 01:13:31,080 --> 01:13:33,239 - Yeah? - Yeah! 1542 01:13:34,280 --> 01:13:37,959 Oh, you two...can't I even have a piss out of the end of my cock in peace? 1543 01:13:41,160 --> 01:13:42,079 You two go on, 1544 01:13:42,200 --> 01:13:46,479 I'm just going to have a little recovery snooze. 1545 01:13:57,200 --> 01:14:00,319 Come on, mate, you can have my bed tonight, 1546 01:14:00,440 --> 01:14:01,919 this one's a bit bitey. 1547 01:14:06,080 --> 01:14:08,679 Did I tell you I touched a boob tonight? 1548 01:14:08,800 --> 01:14:10,879 Like... Like a real boob. 1549 01:14:11,000 --> 01:14:14,319 A girl's one. I didn't get to lick it, though. 1550 01:14:14,440 --> 01:14:16,959 This has been the best night of my life. 1551 01:14:28,320 --> 01:14:30,039 It was the day of the boat party, 1552 01:14:30,160 --> 01:14:33,159 and it looked like literally everyone in Malia had a ticket. 1553 01:14:33,280 --> 01:14:34,759 Well, everyone except me and Simon, 1554 01:14:34,880 --> 01:14:37,359 whose mood was now bluer than his balls. 1555 01:14:38,440 --> 01:14:40,399 If I could, I'd give you my ticket, Si. 1556 01:14:40,520 --> 01:14:42,359 You can, just give me your ticket. 1557 01:14:42,480 --> 01:14:45,599 Yeah, but I really want to go, so you see, actually, I can't. 1558 01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:47,719 - Take Jay's ticket. - No, I think he needs it. 1559 01:14:47,840 --> 01:14:48,959 What, cos of Jane? 1560 01:14:49,080 --> 01:14:52,959 No, in case the captain dies and they need me to drive the boat. 1561 01:14:53,080 --> 01:14:55,679 (GROANING) 1562 01:14:55,800 --> 01:14:59,079 Eased up on the vomiting, mainly retching now. 1563 01:14:59,200 --> 01:15:00,959 For the record, they don't clean that toilet floor very often, 1564 01:15:01,080 --> 01:15:02,999 lots of pubes on hands, knees... and my face 1565 01:15:03,120 --> 01:15:06,239 when I had a little lie-down. I cannot believe we've been eating here. 1566 01:15:06,360 --> 01:15:07,279 Wow, they look hot! 1567 01:15:07,400 --> 01:15:09,839 - Bit young for you, ain't they, Neil? - Behave. 1568 01:15:09,960 --> 01:15:12,239 Lucy. Lucy! 1569 01:15:12,360 --> 01:15:15,759 Alison! Aliso... Oh. I give up. 1570 01:15:16,840 --> 01:15:18,519 All right, boys? Who killed Will? 1571 01:15:18,640 --> 01:15:19,719 (GROANS) 1572 01:15:19,840 --> 01:15:21,839 - What's up with Lucy? - I don't know. 1573 01:15:21,960 --> 01:15:24,879 If you ask her rather than talking about your ex the whole time, 1574 01:15:25,000 --> 01:15:27,839 - you might find out. - Oh, God, really? 1575 01:15:27,960 --> 01:15:29,839 Fine. 1576 01:15:30,920 --> 01:15:32,519 - You coming to the boat party, then? - You try and stop me. 1577 01:15:32,640 --> 01:15:35,159 We just saw two hot fellas dressed as firemen getting on board. 1578 01:15:35,280 --> 01:15:37,319 Might need a hand with their hoses. 1579 01:15:37,440 --> 01:15:39,919 Might have to set fire to my knickers. 1580 01:15:40,040 --> 01:15:42,119 - I'll come with you, if you like. - No, thank you. 1581 01:15:42,240 --> 01:15:43,439 Come on, Lisa. 1582 01:15:45,320 --> 01:15:47,319 You look as bad on the outside as I feel on the inside. 1583 01:15:47,440 --> 01:15:50,799 Oh, don't worry, I feel like shit on the inside too. 1584 01:15:50,920 --> 01:15:52,279 Although... 1585 01:15:52,400 --> 01:15:54,119 I don't have a pube on my cheek. 1586 01:15:54,240 --> 01:15:55,599 Oh, God. 1587 01:15:55,720 --> 01:15:59,639 Anyway, seeing you in such a mess has at least cheered me up a bit. 1588 01:15:59,760 --> 01:16:00,679 Glad to be of service. 1589 01:16:00,800 --> 01:16:03,639 You know I have a penis sunburnt on my back too. 1590 01:16:03,760 --> 01:16:06,119 Must be reassuring to know that however bad life gets, 1591 01:16:06,240 --> 01:16:07,159 you're not me. 1592 01:16:07,280 --> 01:16:08,199 It is. 1593 01:16:08,320 --> 01:16:11,359 Good. That means every time you're down, you have to come and hang out with me. 1594 01:16:11,480 --> 01:16:12,519 Yeah, I think I might. 1595 01:16:12,640 --> 01:16:13,919 Starting with today. 1596 01:16:14,040 --> 01:16:16,119 I've got Nicos's ticket for the boat party. 1597 01:16:16,240 --> 01:16:17,159 Do you fancy joining me? 1598 01:16:17,280 --> 01:16:18,639 Um, yes. 1599 01:16:18,760 --> 01:16:19,879 More than anything. 1600 01:16:20,000 --> 01:16:22,079 Great. On one condition, though. 1601 01:16:22,200 --> 01:16:23,439 Anything. 1602 01:16:23,560 --> 01:16:26,079 At no point are you allowed to say, "I told you so." 1603 01:16:26,200 --> 01:16:28,679 Ooh, not sure I can guarantee that. 1604 01:16:28,800 --> 01:16:31,359 So it's not that I'd rather go to a party that infinitely heightens 1605 01:16:31,480 --> 01:16:33,559 my sense of being out of kilter with the rest of the world, 1606 01:16:33,680 --> 01:16:36,399 it's just that Alison is sort of the fittest girl I've ever met 1607 01:16:36,520 --> 01:16:38,319 - and maybe... - It's fine, Will, honestly. 1608 01:16:38,440 --> 01:16:41,159 Go for it, I'll just find a quiet spot and hang myself. 1609 01:16:41,280 --> 01:16:43,359 Great. Lucy, make sure he doesn't hang himself. 1610 01:16:43,480 --> 01:16:46,119 I'm off. Look at me, following my cock like a normal person. 1611 01:16:49,600 --> 01:16:50,879 Sorry for saying cock. 1612 01:16:57,240 --> 01:16:59,359 I didn't realise I was being such a dick. 1613 01:17:01,080 --> 01:17:02,119 You were. 1614 01:17:03,200 --> 01:17:06,999 - I'm trying to say sorry. - Well, say it, then. 1615 01:17:07,120 --> 01:17:08,519 Sorry. 1616 01:17:08,640 --> 01:17:10,199 For being a dick. 1617 01:17:10,320 --> 01:17:11,919 Sorry for being a dick. 1618 01:17:13,200 --> 01:17:14,959 And for having too much gel in your hair. 1619 01:17:15,080 --> 01:17:16,679 I don't think I've got that much... 1620 01:17:16,800 --> 01:17:19,519 OK, I'm sorry for having too much gel in my hair. 1621 01:17:23,600 --> 01:17:25,479 You should probably get going. 1622 01:17:25,600 --> 01:17:26,999 I'm not that bothered. 1623 01:17:27,120 --> 01:17:28,039 Really? 1624 01:17:28,160 --> 01:17:29,279 Yeah. 1625 01:17:29,400 --> 01:17:32,159 If you like, maybe we could hang out, the two of us. 1626 01:17:32,280 --> 01:17:34,119 I quite fancy just staying by the pool. 1627 01:17:34,240 --> 01:17:37,839 Yeah, I mean, why spend the day having unbelievable fun on the party boat 1628 01:17:37,960 --> 01:17:41,359 when you could be taking a depressed man swimming at a family hotel? 1629 01:17:41,480 --> 01:17:42,439 I'm serious. 1630 01:17:42,560 --> 01:17:43,999 I don't mind. 1631 01:17:45,120 --> 01:17:46,919 I might even cheer you up... 1632 01:17:47,040 --> 01:17:48,799 if they let you back in. 1633 01:17:48,920 --> 01:17:51,479 I honestly don't think I'll be very good company, 1634 01:17:51,600 --> 01:17:53,119 but thanks for the offer. 1635 01:17:53,240 --> 01:17:55,359 You go, I'll be all right. 1636 01:18:01,920 --> 01:18:03,759 Look... 1637 01:18:03,880 --> 01:18:06,319 it's obvious how much Carli means to you. 1638 01:18:06,440 --> 01:18:08,159 She's lucky... 1639 01:18:08,280 --> 01:18:09,319 I think. 1640 01:18:10,400 --> 01:18:11,919 I'm sure you'll sort it out. 1641 01:18:12,040 --> 01:18:15,039 She goes back tomorrow. I can feel her slipping away. 1642 01:18:19,160 --> 01:18:20,239 Simon... 1643 01:18:20,360 --> 01:18:22,959 if she really means that much to you, 1644 01:18:23,080 --> 01:18:24,719 I want you to take my ticket. 1645 01:18:26,360 --> 01:18:27,279 Lucy... 1646 01:18:27,400 --> 01:18:30,519 If you really want to go, take it. 1647 01:18:32,200 --> 01:18:34,599 If you really want to go. 1648 01:18:35,960 --> 01:18:37,279 God, you'd do that for me? 1649 01:18:37,400 --> 01:18:39,159 Yeah. 1650 01:18:40,400 --> 01:18:42,119 Thanks! 1651 01:18:42,240 --> 01:18:44,479 I'll see you later, enjoy the pool! Will! 1652 01:18:44,600 --> 01:18:46,079 Will! I got a ticket, I got a ticket! 1653 01:18:46,200 --> 01:18:47,679 Will! 1654 01:18:47,800 --> 01:18:49,359 I got a ticket, I got a ticket! 1655 01:18:55,840 --> 01:18:57,119 # We are go! 1656 01:18:57,240 --> 01:19:00,679 # The time has come to leave this place 1657 01:19:00,800 --> 01:19:04,559 # Leave it all behind 1658 01:19:04,680 --> 01:19:08,199 # There's so much more here to envision 1659 01:19:08,320 --> 01:19:10,879 # Out of your mind... # 1660 01:19:11,000 --> 01:19:13,359 WILL: The boat party was Jay's promised land... 1661 01:19:13,480 --> 01:19:16,039 sun, sea, booze, and who knows, 1662 01:19:16,160 --> 01:19:20,079 maybe even some sex, minge, fanny and tits...and booze...and sex. 1663 01:19:20,200 --> 01:19:21,159 Mental! 1664 01:19:21,280 --> 01:19:23,639 - Cheeky shot to get us started? - You are kidding. 1665 01:19:23,760 --> 01:19:24,719 Oh, come on, it's the best cure. 1666 01:19:24,840 --> 01:19:26,119 Fair enough, what are we toasting? 1667 01:19:26,240 --> 01:19:28,399 To the Pussay! 1668 01:19:28,520 --> 01:19:30,199 ALL: The Pussay! 1669 01:19:32,480 --> 01:19:34,079 Neil? 1670 01:19:34,200 --> 01:19:35,479 To being playas! 1671 01:19:35,600 --> 01:19:37,239 ALL: Playas! 1672 01:19:39,880 --> 01:19:40,839 Si? 1673 01:19:40,960 --> 01:19:41,919 To me and Carli! 1674 01:19:42,040 --> 01:19:43,879 - No, you're all right, mate. - Fuck off. 1675 01:19:45,960 --> 01:19:49,159 Fine. Well, I'm going off to find her, anyway. 1676 01:19:49,280 --> 01:19:51,679 - Oh, Si, I forgot something. - What? 1677 01:19:51,800 --> 01:19:53,679 Ah! For fuck's sake. 1678 01:19:53,800 --> 01:19:55,639 You know I should probably find Jane, I promised her a dance. 1679 01:19:55,760 --> 01:19:58,759 - What? - Well, no, just a dance. 1680 01:19:58,880 --> 01:20:00,719 And then we can get some proper fit gash. 1681 01:20:00,840 --> 01:20:01,799 But Jane's all right, you know. 1682 01:20:01,920 --> 01:20:02,919 She's a laugh. 1683 01:20:03,040 --> 01:20:04,159 The fat ones are always jolly. 1684 01:20:04,280 --> 01:20:07,159 Neil, what a horrible thing to say. 1685 01:20:08,240 --> 01:20:10,599 - Just you and me, then, Will. - Oh, no. 1686 01:20:10,720 --> 01:20:13,199 Oh, God. What was I thinking, tequila?! 1687 01:20:16,400 --> 01:20:17,479 Shit, sorry! 1688 01:20:20,600 --> 01:20:21,799 Sorry! 1689 01:20:23,760 --> 01:20:26,079 Make your bloody mind up, you wally! 1690 01:20:28,200 --> 01:20:30,399 (SIGHS) 1691 01:20:53,080 --> 01:20:54,719 Richard! All right, mate? 1692 01:20:54,840 --> 01:20:55,919 - All right! - How's it going? 1693 01:20:56,040 --> 01:20:56,999 Yeah, not too bad. 1694 01:20:57,120 --> 01:20:59,399 I was DJing at this techno club, right? 1695 01:20:59,520 --> 01:21:01,439 And this mental emo bird comes over to me and says, 1696 01:21:01,560 --> 01:21:03,239 "I want you to piss on me and then fuck me." 1697 01:21:03,360 --> 01:21:04,359 So I pissed all over her. 1698 01:21:04,480 --> 01:21:05,399 And then fucked her? 1699 01:21:05,520 --> 01:21:06,559 No, she was covered in piss! 1700 01:21:06,680 --> 01:21:07,599 Oh, course. 1701 01:21:07,720 --> 01:21:09,639 Anyway, the other day, right? 1702 01:21:09,760 --> 01:21:11,519 I started crying and couldn't stop, 1703 01:21:11,640 --> 01:21:15,239 so yeah, my mum and dad have flown over to take me home. Pretty cool. 1704 01:21:21,080 --> 01:21:22,759 Yeah... 1705 01:21:22,880 --> 01:21:23,999 Come and say hello? 1706 01:21:24,120 --> 01:21:25,719 All right. 1707 01:21:27,200 --> 01:21:29,319 Dad, Mum. 1708 01:21:30,440 --> 01:21:31,479 All right... 1709 01:21:31,600 --> 01:21:34,039 Back off, bitch! 1710 01:21:34,160 --> 01:21:35,959 Not this time. 1711 01:21:41,040 --> 01:21:41,879 Jane? 1712 01:21:42,000 --> 01:21:43,879 - Jane! - Oh, hello. 1713 01:21:44,000 --> 01:21:45,879 Sure you want to be seen with me? 1714 01:21:46,920 --> 01:21:48,679 Yeah, I do. I really do. 1715 01:21:48,800 --> 01:21:50,919 Can we have that snog now? 1716 01:21:51,040 --> 01:21:53,439 What? Now? Here? Right in front of everyone? 1717 01:21:53,560 --> 01:21:56,639 Um...yeah. Yeah. 1718 01:21:56,760 --> 01:21:58,279 Yeah? Well, I'm not that kind of girl. 1719 01:21:58,400 --> 01:21:59,719 Oh. 1720 01:21:59,840 --> 01:22:02,839 (POSH VOICE) So, I suggest we find somewhere a little more private. 1721 01:22:02,960 --> 01:22:05,119 - I don't mind. - I told you, 1722 01:22:05,240 --> 01:22:09,159 I do. And, to be fair, in private you might get a blow job out of it. 1723 01:22:19,840 --> 01:22:21,519 - Simey! - Oh, hi! 1724 01:22:21,640 --> 01:22:22,719 Carli! 1725 01:22:25,640 --> 01:22:26,759 Where have you been? 1726 01:22:26,880 --> 01:22:29,319 - I've been looking all over for you. - I need to tell you something. 1727 01:22:29,440 --> 01:22:31,239 Ssh! I know. 1728 01:22:51,080 --> 01:22:51,999 Get it all up. 1729 01:22:52,120 --> 01:22:54,319 Little easier on the sunburnt cock, please. 1730 01:22:54,440 --> 01:22:55,479 Sorry. 1731 01:22:55,600 --> 01:22:56,639 It's fine. 1732 01:22:58,120 --> 01:23:00,359 I mean, what a total twat! 1733 01:23:00,480 --> 01:23:01,399 Me?! 1734 01:23:01,520 --> 01:23:04,599 No, Nicos, the total and utter Greek twat. 1735 01:23:04,720 --> 01:23:05,679 Did you see her? 1736 01:23:05,800 --> 01:23:07,919 She was hideous, she must have been at least 30. 1737 01:23:08,040 --> 01:23:10,679 I told you so. 1738 01:23:10,800 --> 01:23:12,559 You arsehole, you had to say it, didn't you? 1739 01:23:12,680 --> 01:23:14,239 Even in the fucking state you're in, 1740 01:23:14,360 --> 01:23:17,799 - you couldn't resist. - Sorry. But at least I'm consistent. 1741 01:23:18,960 --> 01:23:20,199 Yes, you are, aren't you? 1742 01:23:23,160 --> 01:23:26,559 OK, so I think I'd like to revise my offer. 1743 01:23:26,680 --> 01:23:29,439 How about instead of having sex with you in a year, 1744 01:23:29,560 --> 01:23:31,799 I have sex with you all year? 1745 01:23:33,760 --> 01:23:34,719 What? 1746 01:23:34,840 --> 01:23:37,679 - It's a one-time offer. - To confirm, 1747 01:23:37,800 --> 01:23:39,919 do you mean like a girlfriend or like a prostitute? 1748 01:23:40,040 --> 01:23:42,519 I was thinking more like a girlfriend. 1749 01:23:43,880 --> 01:23:47,439 - Could you write it... - No! I am not going to write it down. 1750 01:23:48,760 --> 01:23:50,599 Look, what I'm trying to say is, I like you. 1751 01:23:50,720 --> 01:23:53,759 Despite myself, I really do like you. 1752 01:23:55,080 --> 01:23:56,799 If you like me too, then we're on. 1753 01:24:00,000 --> 01:24:02,119 Um...but not till you've brushed your teeth. 1754 01:24:03,160 --> 01:24:04,079 Oh! 1755 01:24:09,320 --> 01:24:12,399 - That should do it. - You know we could do this for ever. 1756 01:24:12,520 --> 01:24:14,439 Yeah, I know, yeah. 1757 01:24:14,560 --> 01:24:16,239 Oh, God, Carls, I thought I'd lost you. 1758 01:24:16,360 --> 01:24:17,599 I thought I'd lost you! 1759 01:24:17,720 --> 01:24:19,959 And no matter how many times they hit me in the balls, I knew I was right. 1760 01:24:20,080 --> 01:24:22,199 And I've worked it all out, it was so simple. 1761 01:24:22,320 --> 01:24:23,719 I'll just get a job near your uni for three years, 1762 01:24:23,840 --> 01:24:26,999 four if you do an MA, and then we can be together for ever. 1763 01:24:27,120 --> 01:24:28,479 For ever. 1764 01:24:28,600 --> 01:24:29,679 Just like we should be. 1765 01:24:31,960 --> 01:24:33,559 Carli... 1766 01:24:34,600 --> 01:24:36,079 ...what's wrong? 1767 01:24:36,200 --> 01:24:37,839 Did you hear what I said? 1768 01:24:37,960 --> 01:24:39,359 Something about being hit in the balls? 1769 01:24:39,480 --> 01:24:41,039 Well, yeah, but... 1770 01:24:41,160 --> 01:24:43,159 mainly about being together for ever. 1771 01:24:43,280 --> 01:24:45,639 Sorry, Simon, could you just kiss me again? 1772 01:24:54,480 --> 01:24:56,759 Sorry, Carls, this is wrong. 1773 01:24:56,880 --> 01:24:58,039 What? 1774 01:24:58,160 --> 01:24:59,959 I've made a bad choice today. 1775 01:25:02,680 --> 01:25:05,039 I honestly wish you all the best with your life, 1776 01:25:05,160 --> 01:25:07,199 but right now, I have to leave. 1777 01:25:08,360 --> 01:25:09,839 I don't think you'll ever see me again. 1778 01:25:11,800 --> 01:25:14,679 But I'll see you at your mum's birthday in two weeks' time. 1779 01:25:14,800 --> 01:25:16,639 Well, yeah, but then after that. 1780 01:25:17,880 --> 01:25:19,079 And then your brother's 16th the following week. 1781 01:25:19,200 --> 01:25:21,399 Yeah, it was more of a metaphorical thing. 1782 01:25:21,520 --> 01:25:23,919 - Anyway, I'll see you around, Carls. - Yes, 1783 01:25:24,040 --> 01:25:26,839 - at your mum's. - Please, can I just... 1784 01:25:26,960 --> 01:25:28,039 Thank you. 1785 01:25:30,080 --> 01:25:33,359 Below deck, Neil was being as faithful as ever to his girlfriend, 1786 01:25:33,480 --> 01:25:36,359 by aggressively dry-humping Lisa to within an inch of her life. 1787 01:25:39,920 --> 01:25:40,839 Neil... 1788 01:25:40,960 --> 01:25:43,679 Neil, stop. 1789 01:25:43,800 --> 01:25:45,399 What's up? Is it my zip? I can undo it, if you want. 1790 01:25:45,520 --> 01:25:47,959 No, it's not that. 1791 01:25:48,080 --> 01:25:49,559 I just think this is wrong. 1792 01:25:49,680 --> 01:25:51,639 I feel bad for your girlfriend. 1793 01:25:51,760 --> 01:25:54,679 - No, it's fine, we aren't kissing. - Yeah, but... 1794 01:25:54,800 --> 01:25:56,599 look at what we are doing. 1795 01:25:56,720 --> 01:26:01,679 I mean, how do you think you'd feel if you saw her doing this with a guy? 1796 01:26:01,800 --> 01:26:03,999 I wouldn't want to be treated like this. 1797 01:26:04,120 --> 01:26:06,479 - I've got ethics. - Yeah. 1798 01:26:06,600 --> 01:26:09,319 Yeah, you're right, it's just that, um... 1799 01:26:11,000 --> 01:26:13,159 ...Nicole dumped me before we got out here 1800 01:26:13,280 --> 01:26:16,039 and I didn't want to say anything to the others cos I was embarrassed. 1801 01:26:16,160 --> 01:26:18,119 - Oh, Neil... - Yeah. 1802 01:26:18,240 --> 01:26:22,199 She sent me this text, saying like, "You dance like a twat, you are dumped." 1803 01:26:22,320 --> 01:26:24,399 It broke me up. 1804 01:26:24,520 --> 01:26:28,119 So...this is fine and, if you want, we can even kiss. 1805 01:26:28,240 --> 01:26:29,959 Oh, Neil! 1806 01:26:30,080 --> 01:26:31,559 Is that true? Really? 1807 01:26:31,680 --> 01:26:33,359 Yeah, course. 1808 01:26:33,480 --> 01:26:34,479 If you like. 1809 01:26:42,000 --> 01:26:44,319 That was just... I mean... 1810 01:26:44,440 --> 01:26:47,199 Did it not taste funny? Cos it looks funny. 1811 01:26:47,320 --> 01:26:48,479 All right, mate, who's this, then? 1812 01:26:48,600 --> 01:26:49,799 Hi, I'm Jane. 1813 01:26:49,920 --> 01:26:51,879 - She's my girlfriend. - Oh, is she? 1814 01:26:52,000 --> 01:26:54,559 Fuckin' hell, you want to be careful she doesn't fall overboard 1815 01:26:54,680 --> 01:26:55,799 - cos... - Cos I'll get harpooned? 1816 01:26:55,920 --> 01:26:58,079 Cos they might think I'm a new island? 1817 01:26:58,200 --> 01:27:00,079 Cos all the water will splash out onto the land? 1818 01:27:00,200 --> 01:27:01,999 I've heard them all, take your pick. 1819 01:27:02,120 --> 01:27:04,559 Fuckin' 'ell, tubs, all right, it was only a joke. 1820 01:27:04,680 --> 01:27:07,639 Anyway, seeing as you're coming out there like a naughty boy, 1821 01:27:07,760 --> 01:27:10,759 how about you do me a favour? I need a note for the old toot. 1822 01:27:10,880 --> 01:27:13,599 We weren't doing drugs, actually. 1823 01:27:13,720 --> 01:27:15,199 Christ, for his sake, I hope you were. 1824 01:27:15,320 --> 01:27:18,119 There are laws against fucking cow, mate, even in Greece. 1825 01:27:19,800 --> 01:27:22,679 Now, I'm going to need to take that note off you. You're a mate. 1826 01:27:22,800 --> 01:27:24,679 You don't mind, do you? 1827 01:27:24,800 --> 01:27:26,199 Give. 1828 01:27:28,880 --> 01:27:30,079 No, no, not at all. 1829 01:27:34,840 --> 01:27:36,599 There you are, mate, already rolled. 1830 01:27:36,720 --> 01:27:38,439 Cheers. I'll keep this, yeah? 1831 01:27:38,560 --> 01:27:39,759 No problemo. 1832 01:27:41,600 --> 01:27:43,799 WILL: I think the Government's anti-drugs campaign 1833 01:27:43,920 --> 01:27:45,639 would be more successful if they pointed out 1834 01:27:45,760 --> 01:27:46,759 that every now and again, 1835 01:27:46,880 --> 01:27:49,599 there's a small chance you might accidentally snort some poo. 1836 01:27:49,720 --> 01:27:51,999 (RETCHES) 1837 01:27:58,560 --> 01:27:59,719 Simon? 1838 01:27:59,840 --> 01:28:01,239 - Are you all right? - Yeah. 1839 01:28:01,360 --> 01:28:04,759 Yeah, for the first time in my life, I think I actually am. 1840 01:28:04,880 --> 01:28:05,919 I'm clear, anyway. 1841 01:28:06,040 --> 01:28:06,999 How'd it go with Carli? 1842 01:28:07,120 --> 01:28:08,879 Long term - good. Short term - horrific. 1843 01:28:09,000 --> 01:28:10,959 Have you murdered her? 1844 01:28:11,080 --> 01:28:12,959 No, but I am starting to think that maybe Carli's not all that. 1845 01:28:13,080 --> 01:28:14,199 Well, it's taken a while. 1846 01:28:14,320 --> 01:28:16,439 - Better late than never. - I think Lucy might be the one. 1847 01:28:16,560 --> 01:28:18,519 Yes, obviously. 1848 01:28:18,640 --> 01:28:20,559 Lucy's much nicer and actually likes you. 1849 01:28:20,680 --> 01:28:22,559 But I'm worried I might have been a bit of a dick to her. 1850 01:28:22,680 --> 01:28:26,279 You've been more than a bit of a dick to her. You've been a massive dick to her. 1851 01:28:26,400 --> 01:28:27,999 She still likes you, anyway. 1852 01:28:28,120 --> 01:28:29,399 Good, that's really good. 1853 01:28:36,520 --> 01:28:38,719 Does he always strip when he's happy? 1854 01:28:38,840 --> 01:28:39,839 Yeah, normally. 1855 01:28:40,960 --> 01:28:42,959 Simon! You can't go up there, there's a sign. 1856 01:28:43,080 --> 01:28:44,239 Oh, sign(!) 1857 01:28:44,360 --> 01:28:46,239 Alison, will you text Lucy and tell her I'm coming to get her? 1858 01:28:46,360 --> 01:28:47,399 Course I will. 1859 01:28:47,520 --> 01:28:48,679 Brilliant! 1860 01:28:48,800 --> 01:28:49,799 All right? 1861 01:28:49,920 --> 01:28:50,919 Yeah. 1862 01:28:51,040 --> 01:28:52,079 What are you doing up there, then? 1863 01:28:52,200 --> 01:28:54,439 I'm going to swim back to shore and tell Lucy how I feel. 1864 01:28:54,560 --> 01:28:55,799 How romantic. 1865 01:28:55,920 --> 01:28:57,359 It is, isn't it? 1866 01:29:01,120 --> 01:29:02,439 Is it a bit far? 1867 01:29:02,560 --> 01:29:05,079 No, bollocks. You can see the shore. 1868 01:29:05,200 --> 01:29:06,759 I've swum further than that underwater. 1869 01:29:06,880 --> 01:29:08,559 Do it! Just swim there 1870 01:29:08,680 --> 01:29:10,559 and show her what she means to you and then kiss her. 1871 01:29:10,680 --> 01:29:11,599 On the fanny! 1872 01:29:11,720 --> 01:29:12,919 - Jay! - Sorry, darling. 1873 01:29:21,880 --> 01:29:23,999 Right, fuck it, you only live once. 1874 01:29:24,120 --> 01:29:26,359 (CHEERING) 1875 01:29:30,960 --> 01:29:33,959 ALL: Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump! 1876 01:29:36,600 --> 01:29:38,599 Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump! 1877 01:29:38,720 --> 01:29:41,719 Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump! 1878 01:29:45,440 --> 01:30:12,279 (CHEERING) 1879 01:30:40,120 --> 01:30:43,399 I think he might be drowning. 1880 01:31:18,640 --> 01:31:20,239 Simon! 1881 01:31:23,960 --> 01:31:26,039 Oh, I think I've shit myself. 1882 01:31:31,360 --> 01:31:33,439 Lucy, it's normally bigger, it was cold. 1883 01:31:35,320 --> 01:31:37,359 WILL: One of us should probably have gone to hospital with Simon. 1884 01:31:37,480 --> 01:31:40,239 But, to be perfectly honest, we had more important things to do. 1885 01:31:40,640 --> 01:31:42,039 ( # SEAN KINGSTON: Party All Night) 1886 01:31:42,160 --> 01:31:43,359 # - Woah-oh - Kingston 1887 01:31:45,040 --> 01:31:47,599 # - Woah-oh - Let's go! 1888 01:31:47,720 --> 01:31:50,479 # We like to sleep all day and party all night 1889 01:31:50,600 --> 01:31:55,079 # This is how we like to live our life 1890 01:31:55,200 --> 01:31:58,399 # I got a feeling everything is gonna be all right 1891 01:31:58,520 --> 01:32:02,799 # So come on, come on, come on 1892 01:32:02,920 --> 01:32:05,719 # We like to sleep all day and party all night 1893 01:32:05,840 --> 01:32:09,839 # This is how we like to live our life 1894 01:32:09,960 --> 01:32:12,919 # I got a feeling everything is going to be all right 1895 01:32:13,040 --> 01:32:18,359 # So come on, come on, come on Let's party tonight 1896 01:32:18,480 --> 01:32:19,559 # Intoxication, yeah 1897 01:32:19,680 --> 01:32:23,639 # The feel of liberation, yeah 1898 01:32:23,760 --> 01:32:28,919 # We goin' like a rebel with a cause and we breakin' the laws 1899 01:32:29,040 --> 01:32:31,839 # And we rock it, rock it, rock it Whoa-oh 1900 01:32:31,960 --> 01:32:34,639 # No hibernation, no 1901 01:32:35,680 --> 01:32:37,839 # No, not until the day comes, no 1902 01:32:39,600 --> 01:32:42,959 # We gonna paint the town red till God knows when 1903 01:32:43,080 --> 01:32:46,519 # Cos we rock it, whoa-oh 1904 01:32:46,640 --> 01:32:50,759 # And we don't got a worry in sight and until it gets bright outside 1905 01:32:50,880 --> 01:32:54,159 # We breakin' all the rules that we know 1906 01:32:54,280 --> 01:32:57,559 # We outta control, we rock and we roll 1907 01:32:57,680 --> 01:33:02,279 # Ain't nothing gonna ever stop the party You know we go, we all 1908 01:33:02,400 --> 01:33:05,439 # We like to sleep all day and party all night 1909 01:33:05,560 --> 01:33:09,559 # This is how we like to live our life 1910 01:33:09,680 --> 01:33:12,799 # I got a feeling everything is gonna be all right 1911 01:33:12,920 --> 01:33:15,999 # So come on, come on, come on 1912 01:33:16,120 --> 01:33:20,199 # We like to sleep all day and party all night 1913 01:33:20,320 --> 01:33:24,199 # This is how we like to live our life 1914 01:33:24,320 --> 01:33:27,439 # I got a feeling everything is gonna be all right 1915 01:33:27,560 --> 01:33:30,759 # So come on, come on, come on 1916 01:33:30,880 --> 01:33:35,039 # We gonna rock until the night is done 1917 01:33:35,160 --> 01:33:39,159 # We ain't gonna stop until we see the sun 1918 01:33:39,280 --> 01:33:42,799 # And we don't ever have a problem No need for solutions 1919 01:33:42,920 --> 01:33:46,879 # We starting up a revolution 1920 01:33:47,000 --> 01:33:49,799 # We like to sleep all day and party all night 1921 01:33:49,920 --> 01:33:53,599 # This is how we like to live our life 1922 01:33:53,720 --> 01:33:57,399 # I got a feeling everything is gonna be all right 1923 01:33:57,520 --> 01:34:01,439 # So come on, come on, come on 1924 01:34:01,560 --> 01:34:04,719 # We like to sleep all day and party all night 1925 01:34:04,840 --> 01:34:08,959 # This is how we like to live our life 1926 01:34:09,080 --> 01:34:12,199 # I got a feeling everything is gonna be all right 1927 01:34:12,320 --> 01:34:15,999 # So come on, come on, come on 1928 01:34:16,120 --> 01:34:17,999 # Let's party tonight, whoa-oh. # 1929 01:34:37,680 --> 01:34:40,159 # Going to the racetrack To try and get your money back 1930 01:34:40,280 --> 01:34:42,039 # Got caught trying to break in 1931 01:34:42,160 --> 01:34:43,679 # But just laughed and said 1932 01:34:44,840 --> 01:34:46,439 # It couldn't have been me 1933 01:34:48,240 --> 01:34:50,919 # She shaved off her hair Said that she didn't care 1934 01:34:51,040 --> 01:34:54,639 # That life is so unfair Oh, but all she wanted 1935 01:34:54,760 --> 01:34:57,159 # Was to be left alone 1936 01:34:58,800 --> 01:35:01,159 # He said he missed bliss Smiled and left a kiss 1937 01:35:01,280 --> 01:35:04,679 # And I said this isn't it But, baby, please come home 1938 01:35:05,880 --> 01:35:08,279 # And start again 1939 01:35:10,520 --> 01:35:13,239 # Cos all you've ever wanted 1940 01:35:15,440 --> 01:35:17,999 # Has gone up in flames 1941 01:35:20,720 --> 01:35:23,839 # And all you've ever wanted 1942 01:35:25,960 --> 01:35:28,799 # Can never stay the same 1943 01:35:40,240 --> 01:35:45,439 # Oh, no, this can't be happening 1944 01:35:45,560 --> 01:35:51,319 # I said oh, no, this can't be happening 1945 01:35:51,440 --> 01:35:54,159 # Going to the racetrack To try and get your money back 1946 01:35:54,280 --> 01:35:57,479 # Got caught trying to break in But just laughed and said 1947 01:35:57,600 --> 01:36:00,399 # It couldn't have been me 1948 01:36:01,560 --> 01:36:04,599 # She wore lip gloss Cried when she got cross 1949 01:36:04,720 --> 01:36:07,999 # And all that she had was lost Yeah, she sold it all 1950 01:36:09,400 --> 01:36:11,119 # All for pearls 1951 01:36:12,560 --> 01:36:15,119 # He said he missed bliss Smiled and left a kiss 1952 01:36:15,240 --> 01:36:18,759 # And I said this isn't it But, baby, oh, please come home 1953 01:36:18,880 --> 01:36:21,639 # And start again 1954 01:36:24,160 --> 01:36:27,039 # Cos all you've ever wanted 1955 01:36:29,360 --> 01:36:31,879 # Has gone up in flames 1956 01:36:34,680 --> 01:36:37,479 # And all you've ever wanted 1957 01:36:39,840 --> 01:36:42,559 # Can never stay the same 1958 01:36:44,920 --> 01:36:49,199 # And all you've ever wanted 1959 01:36:50,320 --> 01:36:52,679 # Has gone up in flames 1960 01:36:55,520 --> 01:36:59,599 # And all you've ever wanted 1961 01:37:00,880 --> 01:37:02,799 # Can never stay the same. #