[narrator] Previously onSister Wives...
Janelle and I decided to get a little vacation rental
between Christmas and New Year's.
Just having everybody in the same place again,
it already feels festive.
What's that word when you're just feeling
like everything's falling apart and it's bad?
-Oh, yeah, that everything's falling apart and it's bad. -[both chuckle]
I'm trying really hard not to feel like it's the end of our world
and like it's just completely hopeless.
-[Janelle] You stay and talk. -[Kody] I'm done listening to you.
-[Janelle] You stay and talk. -Uh... No.
I'm not going to,
-because you're not listening. -You're not listening to me.
And I'm not going to.
-[Janelle] Okay, so we're done. -Goodbye.
[bleep] you.
[Kody] The flames are on the bridge.
I'm wondering if the bridge is strong enough
or if it's gonna burn down.
[opening theme music playing]
[ambient music playing]
So, you know, Kody and I had a huge fight right before Christmas.
The biggest that we maybe have ever had.
And I really haven't shared that with anybody.
I don't know what it means yet,
but it's definitely significant.
So, I just haven't really spoken to anybody about it.
I do miss a big kitchen.
Even that one I had at that rental
was bigger than this.
So, I'd been thinking I needed another piece of furniture
in my apartment, but it's so small.
So, I started thinking,
"Hey, Christine used to have those bean bags."
So, I called her about it to see if I should buy one,
and she's like, "Oh, I'll just give you mine."
[chuckling] So, she's bringing that gigantic bean bag
from her house in Utah.
[Christine] That is a bean bag.
It's a very big bean bag.
Kody and I bought these together a while ago.
[grunts]
I don't even like it, and Janelle loves them.
So, I'm going to be giving it to Janelle.
[Janelle] Come in.
I was saying, "Come in," but I thought,
"Oh, my gosh, she has this big thing."
[Christine] Okay, it's not that big.
[grunts]
-[Janelle chuckling] -[Christine grunting] Come on.
[grunting continues]
The bean bag is really big,
and she has wrapped it as tight as she could
to get it into the car to bring it to me.
-[Christine] Okay. One, two, three. -[Janelle grunting]
[Christine] One, two, three.
One, two, three.
You know what? Look, I know that this apartment is tiny,
It's not aesthetically whatever,
but, you know, I've never really been about that.
I've always been about functionality and comfort
instead of the aesthetic.
But I did fit this in the back of my car.
[Janelle] You know, honestly,
Christine and I's relationship was always pretty good,
but it was rocky because of the jealousy,
because of the comparison.
But now, with all of that removed,
we're just free to be easy and hang out.
I have an idea. So...
-My... I... You know I live in a townhouse. -[Janelle] Yeah.
Well, my neighbor wants to move.
And I just think it would be really great if you wanted to move in
-on the other half of my townhouse. -[Janelle chuckling]
If Savanah wasn't still finishing up school,
-I would be like... I think I would come. -[Christine] Would you?
[Janelle] Yeah.
Like, there's a billion thoughts
going through my head right now.
I'm attached here. I have a life here in Flagstaff.
But part of me thinks it would be very fun
to live next to Christine.
I think we would have a lot of fun
and a lot of adventures.
Your whole house could fit, like, in my living room.
[chuckles] I know.
-You have so much space. -[Christine] And it's for $400 more a month.
Janelle's not going to move to Utah.
She's flat-out not going to move to Utah. I know that.
I just feel like her living situation is just really, really hard.
I know it's hard for her emotionally
with Kody and everything, and...
I've just felt so much freedom in Utah,
and I love it so much.
And I would really like to see her happy again.
I'm just saying.
[Janelle] I mean, I thought about Salt Lake.
It's so nice there. I'm like, "I see that there's a lot of people
I used to know there,
and I don't know if that's still..."
There's still some people there now that you know as well.
-I'm just saying. -[Janelle chuckles]
In plural marriage, sometimes,
when a husband and a wife no longer get along,
um, because we're not really keen on divorce,
it takes a lot to get actual...
We call it a release.
So, it's not like I'm gonna get a release overnight.
If I want to, depending on what happens with Kody, I don't know.
But I've thought about, well, maybe I could just move back to Utah,
because I could plug into a church
or a religious community.
But again, it's that dichotomy.
I'm so attached here in Flagstaff,
so I just... I don't know.
I've talked to Kody one time just these last couple of days. And--
Really? How was that? 'Cause that's been since Christmas, right?
-You didn't talk to him. -Yeah.
I know that Kody and the boys had a fallout.
I know that Kody did not see the boys over Christmas because of it.
But because of that, apparently,
he didn't see Savanah either over Christmas.
Does she know?
No, I don't think he's talked to you, right, Savanah?
No, he hasn't spoken to me since my birthday.
-Since your birthday? -[Savanah] Mmm-hmm.
Savanah's birthday is the beginning of December.
And it's the middle of January.
He lives a half an hour away.
He comes into town.
It... it's just this pattern that he has.
Why are they still living here?
Why? Why stay in this?
Oh, my God.
[sighs]
I'm so mad and so furious at this whole situation.
I don't think he understands how easy it would be
to fix this.
All he needs to do is,
God, see his kids, make phone...
Oh, my gosh, it's just... Oh, God.
[exhaling loudly]
[Kody] Christine and Janelle have kinda banded together with this whole thing.
They've basically shattered my world.
And I'm in a place
where I've been separated from my children
because they kicked me out of my home,
or the space that I had with those children.
I haven't had the emotional fortitude
to be able to reach out,
not even knowing what to do or say.
And the phone goes both ways. The kids can always call me.
You know, I'll reach out to Savanah,
and I'll bring her a Christmas...
It'll be late, but eventually, that'll happen.
How are you doing?
I don't know. [chuckles]
I don't know. I'm angry at him, mostly.
Uh, and I was really sad 'cause, you know, he's my dad,
but now I'm just angry at him.
And no communication over Christmas or anything like that?
No gifts, no nothing.
Nothing for Christmas. That's what floored me the most.
Look, I get that you're busy or whatever,
but it's Christmas.
He didn't even send a gift home with Truely, Ysabel and Mykelti
back to the vacation rental for Savanah.
Nothing.
I think he's just in a hard spot.
I don't know what to do, and I'm sorry.
Oh, if Savanah wasn't here,
um, I would not be as in control.
I'm so frustrated and so mad.
I don't care if he's mad.
When you're a dad, you're a dad.
And you step up.
No, I've had a couple of conversations with him
just on the phone and stuff.
Um, but he just does seem very different.
Maybe he just seems really different.
-I think it's something... -I know.
Like something switched all of a sudden.
I just have to think it's gonna switch back then.
-[Janelle] I hope so. I hope so. -I hope so, too.
I just remember what it was like
for so long, being married to him
and not feeling any hope and not feeling like...
Oh, God.
I just don't like seeing it happen to Janelle.
I just don't like seeing, like... Oh, God.
And Savanah's feeling like this,
and my kids felt neglected for years,
which is happening all over again.
Is he gonna leave everybody but Robyn?
I mean, I know I don't want him
to come move back in like nothing's happened.
All I can say is, I just know I'm not going back to what we had before.
[Robyn] Ysabel and Truely and Mykelti came over
so that Kody could do some Christmas with them.
I didn't even know Ysabel is in town.
It stings, it's hurtful.
I don't honestly know
why Robyn's really telling me this.
[Robyn] It's frustrating 'cause I...
[chuckles softly] I couldn't control it.
I didn't get to decide, so...
[upbeat music playing]
Whew.
[Robyn] Work it.
[Meri chuckles]
So, Robyn's coming over today.
I think she just wanted to chat a little bit.
We just got through the holidays, and...
it was our first holidays since Christine had left.
And... I think we're just gonna chitchat about that.
[Robyn] Oh, how are you?
Hanging in there. How are you?
I'm... I'm okay, sort of.
Christmas was crazy.
You know, Christmas was tragic for me.
I feel like Kody could have worked this out with the boys,
and we could've gotten together.
There was this text chain that happened
last year before Christmas,
and it was about the kids getting together,
exchanging gifts and everything.
And there was a lot that happened on the text chain.
A lot.
At the end of all of it, Robyn just said,
"I'm done with this,
and obviously, it's an effort in futility."
And then we heard a couple of days later
that she and Kody decided
that they weren't safe anymore doing the sibling exchange.
I wanted them at my house.
I wanted to spend Christmas together.
But I didn't want to watch a fight go down
between Kody and the boys.
I didn't think that would be fair to anybody.
The reason we didn't get together for Christmas
is because at the end of that text chain,
there was an obvious division.
So, it's like, "Okay,
let's just be honest where we're at."
That was an obvious separation.
[Robyn] And then, Ysabel and Truely and Mykelti came over.
-Oh, did they? -[Robyn] Yeah, and...
so that Kody could do some Christmas with them.
I didn't even know Ysabel is in town.
-Really? -[Meri] Yeah.
And there's not a lot of...
-communication. -[Meri chuckles]
-I know. -[Robyn] Yeah.
-Anyway... -There's not. [chuckles]
[Robyn] Mmm-hmm.
It stings, it's sad, it's hurtful.
I don't honestly know why Robyn's really telling me this.
I feel like, uh, I was just kinda like...
going with what everybody else wanted.
It was weird. Really, really weird.
It's... it's hard, because I'm seeing her, talking to her,
and I thought she knew about it.
And I felt really bad.
But it's frustrating 'cause I...
[chuckles softly] I couldn't control it.
I didn't get to decide, so...
[Kody] Meri and I have an amicable relationship,
but we're not functioning like a married couple.
I visit with her once in a while.
I don't know, I sometimes feel
like we're just better friends than we are a married couple.
I'm sitting here trying to understand it, like, I'm trying to digest...
Like, I'm trying to understand why, with Christine leaving,
I'm trying to understand why, with the decisions that were made through COVID,
like, who are... What is this? This isn't our family.
-No, it's not. -This isn't the people that I know.
You know, Kody says,
"Well, COVID has just revealed the real us."
I'm like, "Oh, so the 30 years prior to that
was all just a big lie?"
-If I... I mean that's what-- -I don't know. Like, you tell me.
I've only been here for a part of it. [chuckles]
You know, when I came into the family, I saw,
like, what I thought was a fairly cohesive family.
Sure, there was issues,
but, like, they talk like it was so bad.
And I'm like...
Well, wha... [sighs]
I didn't see that. So, I'm confused.
I'm trying to understand, like, he's talking about years and years ago.
There was issues with Christine from the very beginning.
Well, if you're gonna say that, you're gonna say
there was issues with me from the very beginning.
And look at where he and I are.
You know what I mean?
Not one of us is perfect.
In those early years,
I mean, yeah, there was a lot of hiccups,
there was a lot of emotions.
And I think we did not too shabby of a job. [chuckles]
We made it work because we loved the idea of our family.
We loved the idea of our family. We loved the idea of...
four adults raising all these kids together
as brothers and sisters.
And we really focused on the big family unit.
When we went public,
and there was a lot of pressure on the family,
and there was a new relationship
and it was all shiny and new,
it never really settled the same way
as what we had done for the first 15, 16, 17 years of our marriage.
We kept trying and kept trying and kept trying
and just yearning for that family unit,
but it just felt different.
So, as far as your marriage...
[Janelle] I... I don't know.
I really just don't know.
There's a lot, a lot...
I've decided there's a lot of things.
If we're gonna have to remake everything,
there's a lot of things that would have to be...
I... I'm not even sure I'm really interested.
Like, you're over, like, your marriage with him right now.
Uh... [hesitates] Yeah.
But then, when I talk to him, like, I go, like,
I sort of remember the old Kody. You know what I mean?
So, I don't know. I don't know.
All I can say is,
I just know I'm not going back to what we had before.
I have realized that I kind of coasted over a lot of things
that were problematic for me.
Like, my children feel like there was so much favoritism
and so much inequality
in time and resources towards Robyn,
And I was always fine with it. I was really fine.
But now, going back into a relationship,
starting new, I wouldn't do that.
I would want to feel like we were truly more of a couple.
So many of family members are trying to act
like COVID, the experience we've had with COVID,
like, some kind of favoritism I've given Robyn,
time I've spent with Robyn has been the past ten years.
And that's just a lie. That's just a self-deception.
Up until COVID happened,
I was regular with my schedule,
I was seeing my family,
everything was intact.
I still have my religious beliefs,
so I can't...
[sighs] I can't just say, "Okay, well, I'm gonna go find somebody else."
'Cause that does not really work for me.
So you still believe, like, plural marriage would be something that you believe in,
would want to live and everything?
I definitely would be open to it.
I mean, frankly, I am who I am today
because I did live a plural marriage.
And people that still live plural...
polygamy, I...
I honor their choices,
but I still have a hard time
wrapping my mind around why. [chuckling]
'Cause I don't really believe I could have a divorce unless...
I don't know. You know what I mean?
I mean, at this point, Kody and I are separate.
I haven't talked to him, I haven't seen him.
To me, I think that pretty much means we're separated,
but I don't know. We've never actually said the words.
But I mean, we're technically undefined.
We're probably still married.
He has implied that I need to be
a better sister wife always to Robyn.
If that's a requisite, then I know it's...
-it's over. -It's like... Yeah.
Hmm, who had a great relationship with Robyn for years,
yet he wasn't attracted to her?
Oh, yeah, that'd be Meri.
He's full of [bleep]. I'm sorry.
[upbeat music playing]
I don't know. It's weird because Kody was, like...
He was so attentive,
-like... -To?
-[Meri] To Christine. -Towards Christine, okay.
One of the early Christmases that she was in the family,
like, we were sitting there,
and he was pulling out all these gifts.
All the presents were done,
and he had given Christine this and Christine this
and Christine this,
which was great. He made her feel really special, I'm sure,
Nothing for me.
-Not one gift. -Ugh.
I remember, at the end,
Janelle was like,
"Oh, there's something in my room."
And he's like, "Oh, yeah."
And so, he runs out and he grabs this hoodie
and he just hands it to me.
You know, too little, too late, Kody.
Come on, you... you didn't do all that here.
Not for me, anyway. [chuckles]
I don't remember that, but that's sort of the place
where sometimes resentments build.
No, there was a Christmas in Wyoming
where I got tons of presents from Kody.
And he didn't get Meri anything.
And I remember asking him, and I'm like,
"Why didn't you get Meri anything?"
And he's like, "Oh, you have that gift certificate that you were giving her."
And I'm like,
"That doesn't mean that you don't get her anything.
You still need to get her something. She's your wife."
Okay, I have a secret.
You have a secret?
It was before you... came in the picture.
-[Robyn] Yeah. -And he was always like...
'Cause Kody and I...
Our relationship has always been... [sighs]
-Whoo-hoo! It's still like a really fun roller coaster. -[Robyn] Up and down.
[both chuckle]
You know, and I remember there was a time
where it wasn't so good, and he kept telling me,
"You're getting all this extra time.
You're... Like, I'm with you all the time,
and I'm with you more than I am Janelle or Christine.
Blah, blah, blah." And I'm like, I don't see it.
So, I literally started keeping track
-not of where he was... -Right.
-[Meri] ...but when he was with me. -Just when he was with you.
And I was...
less than a third.
The only thing it did, honestly,
was prove to me that I was right
and made me more mad at him.
Well, that's really funny that you have that secret,
'cause I have the same one.
-[both chuckling] -Do tell.
It was only, like... There was, like, a month or two in Vegas...
[Meri] Uh-huh.
...where Christine was saying
he was never spending time at her house.
Okay.
[Robyn] And I remember kinda going,
"This is really weird. I feel like he's just really not been here."
And so, I started tracking it.
And yeah, I found the same thing,
that it was... I was, um...
He wasn't with me as much.
I took a month where I was with Christine in Las Vegas.
I stayed at her house, like, 25 days out of the month.
I had three other wives complaining,
but she quit complaining.
And I said, "I'm just testing something.
But I wanna see if this person's gonna be happy."
And it worked.
It was like, literally, the other wives got one day, two days out of a month.
It was ridiculous.
There was definitely a month where Kody was with me more,
and I remember thinking,
[gasps] "Oh, my gosh, he's gonna finally balance out his schedule.
This is gonna be super awesome.
And then it went right back to where we really didn't see him that often,
and it was only in the evenings.
He just preferred to be over at Robyn's house the rest of the time.
For one month, I got him
as much as Robyn got him the rest of the time,
the rest of the 59 months.
'Cause he was not at Janelle's house either,
and we all know he wasn't at Meri's house.
[Kody] I think there is a tendency...
[sighs] for wives to not see what I'm doing for them
but very much to see what I'm doing for somebody else.
Uh, there's this comparison thing,
and it's just the death of joy.
I don't know, it's weird. When I've heard that,
like, she... the whole "He's not here thing,"
and I'm like,
"What are you talking about?" Like,
he's usually really good about his schedule.
[Janelle] You know, I think once we moved to Vegas
and we were all in separate homes,
it was harder for Kody to move around.
And I think the time became very unequal there.
That's kind of where it started.
He'd be at our houses,
but like the majority of his time, he was often... often at Robyn's house.
[Kody] So when we were in Las Vegas, Robyn gave me an office space
and space for my car.
Uh, if I was in the garage
or if I was working in the office,
I wasn't "with Robyn."
I wasn't with Robyn all the time.
But it's somehow in their heads.
They've created this world in the past where I was with Robyn all the time.
And that's not true, 'cause I shared my time equally with my wives.
They don't know what's going on at my house.
So it's always this assumption that was just like...
what exactly? It was an assumption.
My kids struggled like crazy,
feeling like Kody wasn't around.
They talked about it all the time.
They talked about how he was so busy with the older kids.
He'd come over like five or six in the evening.
And he'd come and spend time.
Even on the weekends, he would only be there at five or six in the evening.
She knew that Kody was over at her house more than anybody else's.
I'm not gonna trust someone who says they want family
yet they're fine with Kody only being at their house.
That's not a family,
that's monogamy.
I always thought that
she would eventually...
open herself to a relationship with me.
You know, figure that stuff out.
You know, figure out whatever her issue was.
I tried very hard to be kind with her.
I was constantly, uh...
holding out an olive branch to Christine.
Constantly wanting the relationship.
Constantly... like trying to ask her
what can I do?
All she ever told me was "I'm just jealous of you."
There are so many times where Christine and I've had so much fun and...
I feel like we really did have the potential
of just having a great relationship.
And I never understood why we couldn't.
And...
[sniffles] I just don't know how to come to terms with the heartbreak of it.
So it's just jealousy?
-I don't know. -If it is, I don't know it.
And I would love to know what it was.
So in Vegas, we all did counseling sessions together.
All the adults.
End of the therapy sessions, I was very direct.
And I said specifically the problem is is that he prefers Robyn
and prefers being in Robyn's house
more than anywhere else.
She would just deny it.
And she just be like, "He's not here."
And he'd be like, "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I'm over at your house equally."
I was like, "No, you're not."
No, you're not!
If it bothered her that she didn't have a relationship with me,
she should've said, "Hey, why don't we have a relationship?"
"Can we be friends?"
But I want you to know,
I would've rejected her friendship anyway,
to be completely honest with you.
If Robyn approached me wanting to be friends,
I would've not been friends still.
Because I couldn't trust her.
[Janelle] I just think I wanna live separately right now
and just be amiable.
And let's see what happens.
So you itemizing everything and just--
'Cause that's what we did, we sat down and I said,
are we ever gonna have this and this and this again?
And he's like, "No, unless you become a better sister wife."
I'm like, "I don't know what you're talking about."
See, and I don't... I, I'm not--
Playing with that?
-I'm not playing. -I'm sorry, no.
He has implied that I need to be a better sister wife
always to Robyn.
Robyn's always the implied person.
There was a conversation I had with Robyn.
It was a couple months before they bought the house that they're in now.
I lost my rental.
They were selling the house.
I was looking for another rental
and Kody was pushing me to buy.
And I was really mad about it.
I really felt like it would materially hurt our ability
to pay off the property in a timely manner.
And I was just kind of talking to her.
And it was not confrontational.
When Kody and I were fighting about it,
I told him that she was struggling with it as well as I was.
I basically said we're both struggling with this.
I just was trying to get Kody to listen to the argument.
So he started throwing out this conversation
I had with Robyn a year and a half before
as ammunition to tell me that I was being
unreasonable and was being pushy and I was being mean.
And here he is somehow
knowing about this conversation.
And I'm like, "Oh, I see the way that this goes now."
Because, I'm sorry, plural marriage doesn't require
that you're always best friends with your sister wife.
No, I know.
-And I'm like-- -So I think we need to get over this.
So if that's the requisite, then I know it's...
-it's over. -Yeah.
I was a great sister wife to Janelle.
Meri, not so much.
But I don't think he cares about Meri.
He's basically saying, because you're not the best sister wife with Robyn,
I'm not interested in having a relationship with you.
Hmm.
Who had a great relationship with Robyn for years
yet he wasn't attracted to her?
Oh, yeah, that'd be Meri.
He's full of [bleep]. I'm sorry.
That's ridiculous.
I wanted Christine to be better to everybody and about everybody.
There was a lot of complaining about the whole experience in plural marriage.
And somehow or another now she's morphed it to Robyn.
It wasn't ever really about Robyn.
It was about...
her whole experience in plural marriage with other wives.
Okay.
-Well, let me know if you need anything. -All right.
Like living on the other half of a...
[chuckles]
If there was no ties here,
I would consider.
I felt bad for even suggesting Janelle
to move to Utah right now.
She has enough on her plate
with not even knowing what's happening with her and Kody.
She loves him still.
She loves him.
See you later.
-All right, see you. -Bye.
[Christine] I don't think Kody's gonna change.
I think that Kody is going to constantly be running around Robyn
and her life for the rest of his life.
And I don't think he has any room
for Janelle in that life.
Plural marriage is just hard.
Unless there's a deal-breaker going on,
you can still figure that out.
She can't state what happens between Kody and Christine.
They have made their decision.
[Kody] Too many lines have been crossed.
I've given too much.
I don't want to live like this anymore.
[somber music playing]
So Robyn came over today.
She's asking me about, like...
how Kody and Christine's relationship has been through the years?
And what was she missing?
And what doesn't she understand?
And I'm like, "Robyn, I don't understand either."
I just... I wish...
I want answers, I wanna understand. I wanna get it.
But unless there's a deal-breaker going on,
like a really, like a real one,
you can still figure that out.
Like you go to counseling
and you try to figure it out.
Only if both parties want to.
[sighs in exasperation] Yeah.
I guess so.
I get that Robyn's trying to fix it and make it work,
but she can't state what happens between Kody and Christine.
They have made their decision.
Robyn's belief of "Unless if was a real dealbreaker,"
That doesn't matter.
What Robyn believes doesn't matter in this situation.
I mean, plural marriage is just hard.
It just is.
I felt like certain people are more
important to him
than me or my kids.
Yeah.
I felt like he wasn't spending enough time at my house.
I felt, like, that like crazy.
So this is just a plural marriage problem?
It was just too much.
Maybe it was.
I don't know if there's something I'm missing.
That's why I'm asking Meri this.
I wish I could ask...
Christine and Kody.
But they're very skewed in the way that they're thinking right now.
It's very much like...
"Everything is bad."
And I'm looking for, like, the truth.
'Cause I don't understand it.
We all committed to this.
[Meri] Yes.
And, like, that's like, you know,
-tattooed into my soul... -Right.
-...sort of feeling. -Yeah.
-Because that's... that's... that's your family. -Right.
You still try to figure it out.
It would take everybody's interests and efforts.
Where did it go?
I don't understand.
Where did it go? Where's the interest?
Where's the effort? Where did it go?
I don't know, Robyn.
I can't answer that for you.
[Robyn sighs]
Relationships with sister wives flourish when
a man can be equal with all of his wives.
Equal in financial resources.
Equal in time.
As best as he can to his ability.
We're all human, right?
And then especially when a husband has
a place that he goes, 'cause it's easier.
He's respected.
That makes it very, very hard
for sister wives to play on equal playing field.
And to be open to relationships.
But I think that it has to do
with the kids getting older
and we don't need each other.
So it's like we go off and we do our own things.
Yeah, but I'm not done.
Well, I'm still here.
When Janelle, Christine and I were first raising our oldest kids,
I have so many good memories of that time.
[video playing]
[Meri] We were there for each other. We had to be there for each other.
But I think especially those oldest kids
kind of created this bond with each other because of that.
I know that Robyn feels bad because...
she was wanting that for all of her kids,
even the youngest two.
You know, and they just don't have that.
I wish that we could've pulled it all together.
So that all the kids could have that same experience.
To me, this is the family.
-Logan in Vegas is still part of the family. -Thank you, thank you.
-You know, Maddison and Isabel -'Cause this needs to be the nucleus.
-Yeah, but they-- -This needs to be the nucleus and the come back
-and they do their thing. -That's how I look at it.
Yeah,
-I feel the same way. -They come back, we go visit.
But it's not that.
And I don't...
-It's not that anymore. -It kills me.
It kills me.
We just had the holidays and...
my kids
and Janelle's kids
and Christine's kids
and Meri's daughter,
like, nobody...
There wasn't a lot of interaction.
There were some.
But it wasn't that family experience.
I don't care what anybody else is doing.
They're not ha-- That's just a cheap version of what our family was.
I don't care...
who's getting together.
I don't care how many presents you give.
And I don't care how many special foods you make.
Or how many fancy houses you rent.
Or anything like that.
It's a cheap version.
It's a broken version.
And these kids, they know it.
I don't know...
if or how it can be that anymore.
Because Christine has left.
And so many kids gravitate to her.
I mean, they said that last year,
a year ago at Thanksgiving, you know.
Janelle's boys were saying that, "Well, whatever...
Christine does for Christmas or Thanksgiving, we'll do that."
Yeah.
I...
thought naively that we'll be able to all get together again for holidays
and family functions and still have family reunions together.
Even with me leaving,
I felt like we could be mature enough and adult enough.
But as of right now, I don't see that being possible.
I just don't.
There's...
so many things that are broken now.
I...
We're just not a family anymore.
We've been unwilling to change in the right ways
to make this a functional family.
Too many lines have been crossed.
Too many times when we've gone, I've given, I've given, I've given.
And now I'm sitting here going, "I've given too much."
"And I don't have more of this to give."
This is so dysfunctional.
And you just go, "I don't wanna live like this anymore."
[Meri] Here's the thing,
I still see value to the big picture family.
Do I wish that we could all get our crap together and...
figure things out and...
have good relationships?
Yeah, absolutely.
But I don't know what's gonna happen.
And I don't know if that's even possible.
Or if everybody is even willing or interested.
Love you.
Good chatting.
Love you.
I need a reason why my family got blown to smithereens.
So Mykelti and Avalon and Aspyn are over.
We're going to plan my 50th birthday party.
-I'll see if I can get any contact information. -You should get in touch.
It's a celebrity crush.
I have a big, huge celebrity crush.
That's all there's to it.
And Mykelti loves to harass me about it.
And she got me a pillow with him on it.
Oh, we didn't say names.
I'm gonna blush.
I blush every freaking time.
It's so embarrassing.
[upbeat music playing]
-So Mom, this is your tea. -Aspyn, this is your tea.
-Tea, yay. -[exclaims]
[laughs]
So Mykelti and Avalon and Aspyn are over.
We're going to plan my 50th birthday party.
Mom's 50th birthday is this year.
-Oh, my Gosh, that's right, you're gonna be 50. -I know.
-So weird. -It's a big birthday.
I love living so close to my girls.
We do this all the time.
We hang out all the time as much as possible.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
We should do a 60s, no, a 50s...
We should to a 50s theme for your 50th birthday.
A 1950s party?
What... yes.
Definitely nice to do something like last year.
[gasps]
It's more fun to dress up, I'm just saying.
Ice cream bar.
Yes.
Old fashioned soda.
Sundaes.
Soda fountain.
Ice cream bar.
All of it.
Sock hop.
Yes, all of it.
Janelle is like... Janelle wants to come, really badly.
So I already talked to Janelle about coming back
from Flagstaff with you the week before.
I won't be inviting Kody or Robyn or Meri, um...
And the kids that I still have contact with and I do things with,
they'll all be invited.
Yes, but...
not everybody.
All right, toasting time.
So many of our family gatherings were tense.
I didn't feel like I was really a wife.
I just felt like a second-class citizen a lot of the time.
So really I'm only going to invite people
that I really want to hang out with
that it's going to be easy and relaxing.
And no drama.
And I think that Dad's best friend is a "Yes."
Because...
No, Dad's best friend is a "No."
I think it's a "No."
Dad's best friend and Dad's Mom are a no.
It's sticky. It's a sticky situation.
You know, it's just weird to cross over like that
and invite Kody's mom.
But I would never invite him.
[sighs] But I just really love them a lot.
I love a lot of Kody's family.
-I'll see if I can get any contact information. -You should get in touch.
Yeah, that's great.
-Talk to their publicist. -I'll go sit down.
You should.
It's a celebrity crush.
I have a big, huge celebrity crush. That's all there's to it.
Mykelti loves to harass me about it.
And she got me a pillow with him on it.
And a blanket with him on it for Christmas.
Oh, we didn't say names.
I'm gonna blush. I blush every freaking time.
It's so embarrassing.
Okay, listen...
Shemar Moore.
When he says, "Baby girl,"
Mmm, I melt every single time.
He's just beautiful.
Pretty, you're so lovely.
I'm looking forward to an uncomplicated birthday.
There was always this underlying tension, always.
And I don't have that anymore.
At my birthday, I won't have that anymore.
And gosh...
really excited for it.
All right.
Coming up on a year next month
since my mom passed away.
She had been running the bed and breakfast.
And...
I'm on my way up there again.
You know, I've always been a traveler.
I like to travel.
I love doing road trips.
I love listening to audio books.
And it's getting to be a lot.
My friend Jen is a godsend.
She's been living there and taking care of it.
I've also been...
working on growing my on my clothing business as well.
So I...
am making some changes.
I am...
going to move my...
clothing business...
to Southern Utah.
I have been splitting myself between locations.
Like so much that I just, I need to get, um...
I need to get it all together.
It causes me a lot of anxiety.
Because this is like a big shift, a big move.
Um...
And it...
I don't know what it's gonna do,
you know, within the family.
And maybe it won't do anything.
Maybe everybody will be like,
"Peace out, sayonara, bitches."
[laughs] You know...
I don't know.
Maybe they'll be glad or, I really don't know.
I'm very nervous to talk to Robyn about it.
Because I think that she's gonna feel like...
I'm leaving as well,
which I know she doesn't want.
I haven't really discussed this with anybody except for Jen.
Like, I haven't even told Robyn yet.
I'm gonna tell her before I even tell Kody.
Just because I know that she's gonna care.
He's not gonna give a flying rat's ass.
So Robyn has been very, very clear with me.
And have been like, "Please don't leave, please don't leave me."
"Don't leave me to do this alone."
And I...
And I'm like, "What alone, Kody?"
He and I don't have a relationship.
Christine has left.
I don't know where him and Janelle stands.
I'll still come back to Flagstaff.
You know, I mean that's...
It's not like I'm...
moving away from there.
I'm just gonna spend more concentrated time
being able to work the businesses together at the B&B
once we get to that point.
I'm not leaving.
Not leaving the family.
I'm not leaving Kody.
Kody has basically left me already.
You know, things are very obviously broken...
really broken between Meri and Kody.
And Meri keeps holding out home, I think, that something will happen.
But Kody doesn't speak really kindly to her.
He doesn't really watch out for her.
It's very sad.
I'm always hoping, no matter what the struggle is in a marriage,
I'm hoping that it's viable, that we can fix it.
Christine's been complaining about plural marriage for 15 years.
But we never did fix the problem.
She just left.
Meri and I are at a very different place,
where we have taken the time
to vet whether this is gonna work.
It's not just a leave.
[Meri] I'm not oblivious to the fact that
Kody has had conversations about me.
And he's been pretty direct in his non-interest
of healing a relationship.
But he's never had that conversation with me.
And I don't think it's fair
for us to make any decisions
about our relationship without the two of us
having had that conversation.
I saw Kody string Meri along for years.
And it was mean and cruel.
And I saw that he would've done the same thing to me
if I would've stayed.
[narrator reading]
I have been talking to a matchmaker.
-For famous people? -Like professional kind, yeah.
Oh, my God. What if I suck at kissing.
So I haven't said anything to Robyn yet.
So I'm planning on moving my clothing business.
And I need to let Robyn know,
'cause I feel like she's the only one who's really gonna care.
This is done, like, you've made your decision?
It causes me a lot of anxiety, but yes.
I have an appointment to meet with Kody.
I have not seen him in about six weeks.
I do think I wanna stay separated.
Really? You wanna stay separated?
Yeah, I do.
I'm not really inclined to stay in this relationship with Kody.
I don't feel like I'm getting what I deserve from him.