You know what? I think I'm getting the hang
of this whole traveling between realities thing. Old hat.
That makes one of us! (SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
It's just like swimming, Miles. Let the current guide you.
Oh, yeah, 'cause I love swimming,
except through the very fabric of reality.
See that? It's a shard from the Siege Perilous.
It lets us travel through dimensions. Problem?
The other shards like it scattered into who knows how many other realities.
But if we don't reassemble them soon, every world will collapse in on itself.
Which is a fancy way of saying, "Boom! End of the universe."
Oh, but there's one more problem.
So, any clue who that Wolf Spider was that wants this shard so badly?
Never seen him in my life,
but he did know my secret identity.
Let's just hope we don't cross his path again.
At the rate we're going, who knows what kind of apocalyptic nightmare reality
we're about to be dumped into. (BOTH GRUNT)
(SQUAWKING)
(BOTH YELLING)
(BOTH GRUNT)
SPIDER-MAN: Post-apocalyptic nightmare world?
I think you meant to say, "Complete and utter paradise."
(CRASHES) (GROANS)
Finding this shard'll be like a walk in the park.
Or more like a swim through the crystal blue ocean.
(CHUCKLES) Maybe after all the trouble we've been through,
we've earned this.
Ye've earned nothing! Get off of me island, ya scurvy maggots!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Ah! Swipe! Stab! Poke!
So, this is really happening.
Who sent ye? Ah, doesn't matter.
Only two ways off of this island.
The easy way, or the hard...
No. Wait. I mean, there's only one way off of this island.
The hard way! And Coco here agrees.
It's not a deserted island if you're here, Coco.
Is he talking to a coconut?
I've always wanted to be a pirate. You look just as cool as I imagined.
Argh! Ye madman,
this is what Web Beard, the Sea Lord, always looks like.
Ye be the ones dressed strangely with no hats and no beards.
But mocking me fancy garments ain't gonna get you closer to finding me booty.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Pretty sure that was English, but I have no clue what he's talking about.
(SHOUTS)
(ALL GRUNTING)
Liars! Why else would ye be on my desert island if it weren't for me treasure?
Look, I can explain everything.
We're from another dimension and, well, we need to get a shard of a special gem
before all the different universes smash together.
Right, yeah, okay. Pretty sure that was the king's English,
but all I heard was, "Blah, blah, blah, gem!"
Ye want me gems! I knew it!
Howard sent you, didn't he?
(YELLS)
Hah! (GRUNTS)
Ah! No! Do not hurt Coco.
I would never hurt a coconut.
That's what they all say.
Okay. Look, no one sent us,
and I promise we don't want your treasure.
What's all this craziness you're talking about?
Argh!
I used to be a Captain. I had me own ship.
Me own crew. But did they appreciate
strong, focused, and handsome leadership?
No! They mutinied,
accused me of trying to keep all the treasure for meself!
Were you trying to keep all the treasure for yourself?
That's not the point! They betrayed me!
If you were hoarding the treasure, you betrayed them too.
Who's telling this story, me or you? I be the victim here! Ha!
Eh, doesn't matter. I escaped with all the treasure.
Wait! It's not over there!
No, I was pointing at something else!
'Cause you... Ah, oh, oh, no.
A fragment of the Siege Perilous?
Did I say I promise we're not after your treasure? Because...
I knew it! More traitors! Coco, release me!
I don't think living alone on a desert island's
been very good for your state of mind.
Says the guy claiming to be from another dimension.
Destroy them, Coco!
Wait, did that coconut...
No, it was them.
Argh. The original traitors!
And in me own ship, the Groot.
Why do you call it the Groot?
I am...
(COUGHS) I am Groot.
Never mind. Figured it out.
MALE VOICE: Web Beard, that treasure belongs to us.
There is no escape... (GRUNTS)
...from the Dread Pirate Duck!
Argh! Ye be not a dread pirate.
Ye be Howard, the first mate.
What's all this "ye" talk?
What, are you putting on some kind of pirate accent?
(NO ACCENT) It's more of an affectation. People expect it from me.
(GRUNTS)
I actually forgot how much I hated you.
Look, give us the treasure, or we're gonna be forced to take it.
I'm giving you to the count of ten.
(WITH ACCENT) Hah! I'd like to see ye count from 10.
I can do it. Ten, nine, 14, two, seven...
Ah! Blast it! He was always our best counter.
All we need is the shard. I've got a plan.
We surrender! (SCREAMS)
We do? Trust me.
Maybe Howard's more reasonable than Web Beard here.
More reasonable? I gotta stop trusting you.
SPIDER-MAN: I didn't know they'd use a Kraken.
Don't worry. Coco will get us all out of this.
Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
You ran away?
Coco, ye blasted traitor!
All right. Time for one of my plans.
SPIDER-MAN: Uh-oh, the debris hit the Kraken!
(BOTH GRUNT)
So we're free now,
but the Kraken's angrier than ever?
We're batting zero when it comes to plans today.
(YELPS)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
Look, all we need is one gem from that treasure.
Yeah, that's how it starts. First one gem, then it's two,
then next thing you know, you build a boat
out of solid gold
that sinks to the ocean floor.
Oh, you all thought it was a good idea at the time.
(YELLS)
(GRUNTING)
(YELLS)
(GRUNTS) Just get in the water.
Look, once the Kraken eats you, everything will be just fine.
You understand how that's not appealing to us, right?
He doesn't understand anything except his own greed.
Yeah, you're one to talk, Greed Beard.
I never wanted to mutiny. I only wanted to be heard.
But you never listened to us.
Then why didn't ye say something?
We did! Did you just miss the part about you not listening?
What? (GRUNTS)
Hey, you two, maybe you need to meet in the middle.
Web Beard, stop being so controlling and listen to your crew.
And Howard, trust in Web Beard's leadership.
(GRUNTS)
Sometimes you might not get exactly what you want,
but you have to work together.
Ugh. Now, of all the stupid...
Coco!
No!
(GROWLS)
(BOTH GRUNT)
Aw. Ye saved Coco.
Least I can do is save me first mate,
the Dread Pirate Duck!
(BOTH GASP) (BOTH GRUNT)
(GROWLS)
The spiders in the strange costumes are right.
We need to work together.
I take back our mutiny.
Look at what the spiders are doing.
WEB BEARD: Cosmo, Rocket, grab a line!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Argh! Ha!
Ha-ha! Yeah!
Hey, Cosmo! Why didn't we ever think to swing on ropes like that before?
(WHOOPING)
(ALL GRUNT) Let's all make like spiders, and tangle this thing up.
Don't let a single tentacle free!
(GRUNTS)
I am Groot!
Ha!
(GRUNTS)
(GROWLS)
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHING) Now, that wasn't so hard.
Ah, not with me mateys back in the fold.
We're back. But going forward, we all get a vote.
And I get Groot's vote.
Aye.
WEB BEARD: As a show of thanks,
let me offer ye the gem ye wanted so badly.
Thanks, Web Beard.
Wait. That gem can do that?
Ah! I should've just given them me solid gold boat!
(GRUNTS)
Until later, mateys! Argh!
(BOTH YELL)
Ugh! Hope this universe has a dry cleaner.
(HORSE SNORTS)
(PUNCHES) (WOMAN SCREAMS)
(MAN GRUNTS)
I'm thinking no dry cleaner. (PUNCHING CONTINUES)
Boy-howdy.
I bet the Spider-Man of this world is the sheriff.
(PUNCHES) (YELLS)
(GRUNTS)
Hands off.
What's the deal with you two?
You get kicked out of the circus?
Or are you just not right in the head?
You're not a very nice sheriff.
(CHUCKLES) I'm no sheriff. He is.
(SPURS JINGLING)
Whoa. What?
Don't know who you masked men are,
but my name is Doc Ock Holiday.
I'm in charge around these parts, and that there's an outlaw you're harboring.
Give him up, and this all goes easy-like.
What did this outlaw do, exactly?
This here Web-Slinger had the nerve to challenge my authoritize.
In this town, I am the law.
Therefore, anyone opposes me is against the law.
I'm not a lawyer, but that doesn't sound right.
If it's a fight you're looking for, stranger,
you take it up with my deputy...
The Phantom Rider.
Boys, time for a strategic retreat.
(WHISTLES) Huh?
(WHINNYING)
(GRUNTS)
Come on, now! Hightail it!
(BOTH GRUNT)
THE WEB-SLINGER: Hurry up and move.
He catches up with you, you're gonna have a very bad day.
There's three of us and one of him. I think we could take him.
Think again. No one ever stopped the Phantom Rider.
Best we can do is make for the desert.
So, uh, what did you do to cause all this?
Me? Doc Ock Holiday seized control of the whole town
by taking out the last sheriff.
Since then he rules with an iron fist.
Then someone needs to stand up to him.
Easier said than done.
With the Phantom Rider by his side, Doc's untouchable.
I think we lost him.
(EXPLOSION)
(ALL GASP)
(WHINNIES)
You guys invent the clothesline yet?
Whoa! (YELLS)
(GRUNTS) Eat web, you rattler!
(CHUCKLES) How about we talk this one through, civilized-like?
This game of cowboys and Spiders is over.
Eat Arachno-Blast!
Nothing? But that move took down the Goblin!
(GROANS)
The shard! Glowing? This makes no sense.
Let my friend go! Whoa.
(GASPING)
There are people in there. Come on, guys!
(GRUNTING)
He's leaving us?
(GROANS)
I had the weirdest dream, where... Oh.
Miles, wake up. I think we're in the hoosegow. Did I use that word right?
(GROANS) Hey! My web-shooters are gone!
Mine too. Look.
Our fragment of the Siege Perilous is in my shooter,
and it glowed when I was close to the Phantom Rider.
What's the story with that?
Let's find out. Old-timey jail? Heh.
No problem for Spider Strength... Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ha! Electrified bars. My own invention.
You don't get to be sheriff by being no fool.
Can't say the same for whatever you two are supposed to be.
Circus performers, maybe?
Here comes the gloating.
Different universe, same Ock.
And that ain't my only invention, neither.
I have yet to unveil the fruits
of my latest experiments.
(EXPLOSION) Huh?
Honestly. This infernal town.
It's always something. You boys stay put.
Ha! As if y'all could go anywhere.
I've seen enough Westerns to know, that explosion?
Just a distraction for... THE WEB-SLINGER: A jailbreak.
(GRUNTS)
You abandoned us.
Whoa, whoa, settle down, Arachnid the Kid.
That's "Kid Arachnid."
(CHUCKLES) I didn't abandon anyone.
I made a strategic retreat so I could rescue you later.
It didn't make a lick of sense for all three of us get caught.
Time for round two with Ock and his talkative goon.
I didn't bust you out to watch you get thrown back in.
But someone needs to stand up to Ock.
I don't know what it's like where you're from,
but around here, an honest man can't win.
My Old Uncle Ben was the last sheriff. Real good guy.
He went up against Ock and was never seen again.
If Ben couldn't lick him, no one can.
DOC OCK HOLIDAY: He's right, you know. (GASPS)
I know what y'all came for.
The piece of the Siege Perilous we need!
Oh, that what it's called? I didn't rightly know.
But you ain't the first ones to come after it.
A masked man calling himself the Wolf Spider
come 'round not too long ago, but I run him out of town.
You, however, I'll simply destroy.
Now I do regret breaking you out.
You are the worst Spider-Man.
(GRUNTING)
Ah! Not my shooting hand!
Being a hero, boys... Not for me. I'm gone.
You can't run away from a battle!
Is running away what Uncle Ben would've wanted you to do?
Well, he ain't here to ask, is he?
(NEIGHS) Hi-yah!
Hyah! (WHINNIES)
You yellow-bellied coward!
Face me!
We'll face you, feet first!
(YELLS)
(CUSTOMERS SHOUTING)
Just think of us as part of the entertainment, folks.
Hah. (GRUNTS)
(YELLS)
You have no idea what that shard is doing.
Reality itself is at risk!
(BOTH GRUNT)
I reckon I can maximize the power of this here Siege Peri-whatsit...
(GASPS)
We thought you abandoned us again.
What you said about Old Uncle Ben was right.
He'd want me to fight to the end. So here I am.
Don't matter none.
Just another Spider to squash.
Ock, this ain't how we do things around here, and you know it.
I demand a shoot-out.
If I win, the strangers go, and you free the town.
Ha. And if I win?
All our fates are in your hands.
(SCOFFS) With your busted up shooting hand,
you couldn't win a draw even if'n you had the skill to.
SPIDER-MAN: Then I challenge you.
Why would I agree to a duel when I have you at my mercy already?
Chicken, huh? Where I come from, I got a Doc Ock of my own.
You two are pretty different though.
He'd never back down from a challenge.
But I guess he's made of sterner stuff.
You dare impugn my honor?
Doc Ock Holiday never backs down from a fight!
I will conquer all!
Then you agree to the showdown?
I agree. And may you rest in peace.
(CLOCK CHIMES)
It's high noon, Web-Slinger. Face me!
Don't mind if I do.
(GRUNTS) Hyah!
(GRUNTS)
Got it!
No! That belongs to me! Without it...
I... I'm free!
Uncle Ben! You're the Phantom Rider?
I'm so sorry. Ock used that shard to enslave my mind.
(HUFFS)
(YELLS)
We won't let him get away with that.
I believe this is called hog-tying.
And I think this
belongs to you, Sheriff Ben Parker.
(GRUNTS)
Dr. Octavius Holiday,
by order of the law, you're under arrest.
(DOC OCK HOLIDAY YELLS)
When I get out of here, I'm gonna cook your goose!
(MUFFLED GRUNTING)
(THUDS)
Quit your bellyaching.
Don't take no never mind.
He's going away for a long time.
But I owe you two out-of-towners.
Thank you for all you done.
Ah, shucks. Any Spider would have done the same.
Ah, don't act like it was nothing.
On account of you, I got my Uncle Ben back.
You weren't so bad yourself.
No. No, I was a coward.
I'm sorry, Uncle Ben. I ran away.
Let strangers fight for my town instead of me.
Hmm. But you came back, and that's what counts.
I reckon true bravery is admitting your mistakes and fixing 'em.
You done me proud, kid.
I think our ride's coming, Spidey.
Uh, Spidey. You okay?
Yeah. I just wanted to take one last look at a world
where Uncle Ben was still alive.
(SIGHS) Come on. Let's go.