Yeah, do you Iike that?
Yeah, I Iike that.
-What do you Iike? -I Iike everything. I Iike what you're doing.
(PANTING)
I knew when I found you that you wanted it this way.
Found me where?
In the street, waIking aIone.
But we didn't meet in the street.
We met at a party. (MOANS)
Oh, my God, on the street. Yeah, the street.
-Oh, yeah. -You were a junkie
-and you were onIy 1 1 . -Okay.
And you had your fucking Cabbage Patch Iunchbox.
Yeah, and I was reaIIy scared when I saw you.
(BOTH MOANING)
-Okay, okay. -Fuck.
You're a dirty IittIe whore,
and I'm gonna send you home to your parents covered in come.
Oh, don't do that. They're gonna be so angry.
-Okay. Okay. -Fuck. Fuck.
-Okay. -Where do you want me to come?
-Fuck. -Uh, where...
-What are the choices? -Face? Tummy?
-Those IittIe tits? -Oh, my God. My tits...
It seems Iike you wanna come on my tits,
so I think you shouId come on my tits
because I want you to come,
and it seems Iike you're gonna do it.
-Touch yourseIf. -Okay. Where?
-You know where. Touch yourseIf. -Okay.
It's a IittIe hard from this angIe.
(PANTING) From now on,
you have to ask my permission whenever you wanna come.
If you're touching yourseIf and you think you're gonna come,
you'd better fucking caII me first.
You want me to caII you?
Okay.
I'm gonna make the fucking continent ofAfrica on your arm.
Fuck!
(MOANS)
That was reaIIy good. That was so good.
I aImost came.
You want a Gatorade?
What kind? What fIavor?
Orange.
Um...
No, thanks. I'm good.
(WAKE UP SHAKE UP PLAYING)
-Oh, God. -How does it feeI?
-How does it feeI for you? -It feeIs good, fine.
-It's good. -Yeah, it does.
Oh, hey, Iook at me.
-Yeah. -Look at me.
Let's Iook at each other when we come.
I'm gonna turn around.
-But you hate doggie. -No, I don't.
I just don't Iike doing it aII the time.
No, you said it makes you feeI Iike a piggy bank.
No, I said it makes me Iook Iike a piggy bank.
Okay. You ready?
I'm ready.
Fucking Jesus, this feeIs so good.
Okay, Iet's go.
Okay, I gotta go sIow.
Oh, my God.
(NOUS NON PLUS PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
-(MR. KNOW lT ALL PLAYING) -CouId you maybe not smoke inside?
Oh...
CouId you just... CouId you not smoke...
It's, Iike, I'm totaIIy cooI, but...
It's pot. Do you want some?
Oh, no, I'm hyper enough aIready.
What are you making?
It's my manifestation board. I use it for inspiration.
When I'm not feeIing inspired, I just Iook at the board...
Can I make one?
Oh, my God, totaIIy. You shouId totaIIy make one.
We shouId make one together.
No, I wanna make my own.
Yeah, much better idea.
Totes.
You know, Jessa, I'm...
What you're going through is, Iike, reaIIy, reaIIy hard
for any young woman, and it totaIIy makes sense
that you wouId wanna escape through drug use,
but you have to know that you're not just my cousin,
you're my friend,
and I couId not be more proud of you for getting this abortion.
Thanks, Shoshanna.
HANNAH: Okay, I think I got everything.
TesticIes, spectacIes, waIIet, watch...
ADAM: Okay, bye.
Did I Ieave anything in there with you?
No.
Where are you headed?
Um... Don't you remember?
I'm a dirty IittIe whore going home to my parents covered in come.
Your come.
What?
That was a joke about the thing you said Iast night when we were having sex,
about how you were gonna send me home to my parents covered in come.
I, um...
I'm just going home to get my ceII phone charger,
and then I'm going to a job interview, and then, um...
I'm actuaIIy accompanying a friend to her abortion.
So that's what I'm doing.
Shit.
That's kind of a heavy fucking situation.
Is it reaIIy? I feeI Iike peopIe say that it's a huge deaI,
but how big a deaI are these things actuaIIy? I don't know.
Right. Yeah, it's just an abortion. That's siIIy.
No. I'm not saying that. I just mean, what was she gonna do,
have a baby and take it to her babysitting job? It's not reaIistic.
No shit, fucker. I never thought of it that way, but it's a good point.
I mean, I guess I don't reaIIy know,
because this is the first abortion I've ever been to.
No, you don't say.
I reaIIy hope you didn't find that fIippant,
because I did not mean that abortions aren't a big deaI.
I just meant that I have very IittIe sympathy for peopIe who do not use condoms,
because that is how you get pregnant and that is how you get diseases.
WeII, I don't know what it is about me, but girIs never ask me to use condoms.
-GirIs never asked you to use condoms? -No.
What do you do?
I do what I'm toId.
(PANTING)
-We aIways use condoms. -Do we?
-Yeah. We used one Iast night. -Oh, yeah, I guess we do.
That's probabIy why it takes me 25 years to nut
whenever I have sex with you. (LAUGHS)
Hey.
Oh, you're totaIIy freaking out right now.
You have totaI freak-out face.
-I'm not freaking out right now. -Yes, you are.
How wouId you even know what I Iook Iike freaking out?
You've never seen me freak out.
It's okay.
I'm totaIIy fine, okay?
-And you're totaIIy pretty. -Okay.
Stop trying to kiss me. Stop trying to kiss me. Stop trying to kiss... Okay. I'II see you Iater.
If you teII me what I am doing, then I wiII immediateIy stop doing it.
That's the point, you shouIdn't stop doing something
just because I teII you to. You shouId be abIe to just be yourseIf.
But it seems Iike myseIf is making you very frustrated.
Who cares, CharIie?
You shouId just be abIe to go about your business,
piss me off, and not give a fuck.
That's what men do.
It's Iike I don't even know how to make Iove to you anymore.
Make Iove to me? You mean, fuck me?
It's Iike you want me to be Iike some dude who just doesn't give a shit.
Like, "Oh, fucking suck it, and then fucking Iay down and take a nap."
Ew.
"You want these fucking nuts in your mouth?"
No, I don't want to suck on your nuts.
-Oh, come on. ReaIIy? -No.
Have you seen your nuts? Ew.
Like, I know you're joking, but that's not funny, to be Iike, "Ew."
-Ew. -(DOOR OPENS)
(PANTING) I never get used to those stairs.
We'II taIk about it Iater. Have a great day, Iadies.
Oh, I mean, sIuts.
You're a sIut.
What?
-I'm sorry about him. -No sweat off my back.
-What's going on? -Oh, my God.
I mean, he's so busy respecting me, you know,
that he Iooks right past me and everything that I need from him.
Okay, you are a 23-year-oId girI who's had the same boyfriend for four years,
so you're aIso aIIowed to be bored. That's an okay excuse, too.
That is a reaIIy simpIistic expIanation for what's going on.
I'm sorry if I minimized it.
I'm just unwiIIing to accept the idea that you have too great a boyfriend.
AIthough, if you want someone to feed you abusive rhetoric,
just send him to Adam's house for the night. He'II Iearn a Iot.
Oh, more hooker stuff?
Hooker stuff, daddy... A pIatter of stuff.
Hannah, Adam cannot do that to you.
He can't. He's not aIIowed. He's not your boyfriend.
(KEYBOARD CLICKING)
(PHONE RINGING)
HeIIo, KwartIer GaIIery. This is Marnie speaking.
-HANNAH: Hi. -Hey. 'Sup?
Oh, nothing.
I was actuaIIy just wondering if maybe, no big deaI,
but you couId get me an appointment for this afternoon, too?
-Why? -You know, for an STD test.
I mean, since we're gonna be there anyway.
And it's Iike, I'm gonna be there, you're gonna be there.
Maybe we both get them. Maybe we aII get them.
No. Thank you, though.
WeII, when's the Iast time you did that?
WeII, CharIie's been tested twice since we've been together,
-so I figure that's... -Not the same thing.
I've onIy had sex with two and a haIf men,
and I'm gonna start doing it every few months,
I think, just to be responsibIe.
You were just bragging to me about how you aIways use condoms.
JuIian, stop Iistening.
I mean, if that's true, then don't you think you probabIy don't have anything?
But what about the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms, okay?
What about that stuff? Have you thought about that stuff?
Okay, crazy one, I'II scheduIe you an appointment.
So this guy's making you bananas?
I've never experienced anything Iike it.
The thing is, I have absoIuteIy no sense of how he reaIIy feeIs about me
because when we are together, he's so there and he's so present,
and then he disappears for two weeks and doesn't answer any text messages,
and I feeI as though I invented him.
Did you invent him?
If I'd invented him, then I wouIdn't have a giant bruise on my ass.
Pause.
I have something to contribute here.
"Listen, Ladies:
"A Tough Love Approach to the Tough Game of Love."
Okay, I'm gonna admit that I have hate-read that book.
SHOSHANNA: Oh, my God!
It, Iike, totaIIy changes your perspective, right?
Okay, "If a man doesn't take you on a date, he's not interested, point-bIank.
"'Let's meet up with friends' is not a date,
"it's a date for him to decide whether you're truIy good enough to date,
"and that's unacceptabIe, Iadies."
There have to be exceptions to that ruIe.
"Sex from behind is degrading, point-bIank.
"You deserve someone who wants to Iook in your beautifuI face, Iadies."
What if I want to focus on something eIse? What if I want to feeI Iike I have udders?
This woman doesn't care about what I want.
But here's my question. Who are "the Iadies"?
Obvi, we're "the Iadies."
I'm not "the Iadies."
Yeah, you're "the Iadies."
I'm not "the Iadies."
Yes, you are. You're "the Iadies."
You're being unfair. You can't force me to be a Iady.
I'm not forcing you to be a Iady. You just...
Okay, I'm a Iady, she's a Iady, you're a Iady, we're "the Iadies."
Fuck that siIIy IittIe fucking book.
I toId you, I just read it
in a weird moment of desperation at the Detroit airport.
How couId you even finish a book Iike that?
That book is so idiotic, I couIdn't even read it on a toiIet.
It might be pink and cheesy,
but there's actuaIIy some very reaI wisdom in there
-about how to deaI with men and... -That woman is a horribIe Iady.
Why is this bothering you so much?
I'm offended by aII the "supposed to's."
I don't Iike women teIIing other women what to do or how to do it or when to do it.
Every time I have sex, it's my choice.
-Yeah... -And if I wanted to go on some dates, I wouId.
But I don't, because they're for Iesbians.
Are you okay?
-What is wrong? -(SIGHS)
I mean, I know what is wrong, but how is it wrong?
Are you scared?
No.
-Are you angry? -Who wouId I be angry at?
Maybe you're a IittIe angry at yourseIf.
No!
So are you angry at me?
You are so seIf-invoIved.
Are you sad?
I am not a character for one of your noveIs. Stop staring at my face so hard.
Fine, okay.
And aIso, I write essays, so...
You know, I want to have chiIdren.
I reaIIy wanna have chiIdren.
Yeah, of course, you do.
And you wiII have chiIdren at a time when your Iife is actuaIIy set up...
I'm gonna be amazing at it. I'm gonna be reaIIy good.
I know that you are. I've never doubted that for a second.
And I wanna have chiIdren with many different men of different races.
So, I have this job interview and I'm gonna meet you there at 1 :00.
-I Iove you, okay? -That's okay.
-(HANNAH LAUGHS) -This... You know,
I mean, the truth is, it's pretty boring
and we're just, Iike, a trade journaI.
No. My God, I mean, I wouId be so excited to work here.
And I'm aIso, I shouId say, responsibIe, decisive,
and aII the other quaIities you're weirdIy aIIowed to name in a job interview.
Yeah. I think the onIy other pIace that you're aIIowed to brag Iike that
is on your onIine dating profiIe.
-Not that I have one. -Oh, no, of course not.
So you Iive in BrookIyn?
-Is it WiIIiamsburg? -No, I Iive in Greenpoint.
You know, big difference, WiIIiamsburg and Greenpoint.
-Oh, sure, yeah. -Are you in BrookIyn or...
Yeah, CobbIe HiII.
-Oh, that's Iike grownup BrookIyn. -Yeah.
-I'm Iike a reaI Iive grownup. Can't you teII? -(LAUGHS)
So, in your neighborhood, do you ever drink at that pIace Weather Up?
That's a IittIe bit hip for my taste.
Are you kidding? You're very hip.
But I do object to any bar that caIIs its bartenders "mixoIogists."
-ExactIy. -And they wear tiny vests.
-I know. -If I'm gonna drink in your neighborhood,
-then I wanna go to Washington Commons. -Washington Commons!
-Oh, my God, I Iove that pIace. -Hands down.
I Iike a bar where the median age is about 55.
I Iike a bar where the average patron wouId be described as "crotchety."
-Crotchety's good. -Crotchety's great.
-Crotchety's undervaIued. -(LAUGHS) It's true.
In our modern society, crotchety is undervaIued.
So, I shouId probabIy Iook at your resume as a formaIity.
-I'm totaIIy fine if you don't, too. -Yeah.
And so... Yeah, this is great.
-This is reaIIy... -Where did you go to schooI?
I just went... I went to Syracuse, upstate.
-I have so many friends who went there. -Yeah, me, too.
Because you went there with them.
Yeah, a few of them up there.
I read a statistic that said
Syracuse has the highest incidence of date rape of any university.
Wow.
Which, weirdIy, went way down
the year that you graduated.
That was just a joke, because I was saying that there was no more date rape,
because they figured out who it was who was doing it, and it was you.
Maybe you're not used to office environments Iike this,
but jokes about rape or race
or incest or any of that kind of stuff,
it's not office okay.
And so, I just don't think this is gonna work out right now,
but caII us back
maybe six months, eight months down the road,
and we'II stay in touch.
(WlTH A GlRL LlKE YOU PLAYING)
What can I get you?
What time is it?
It's 1 :00.
These things never start on time.
I'II have a White Russian, pIease.
AII right.
(SOFTLY) I am reaIIy sorry, okay?
-I'm sorry. -You are 1 0 minutes Iate.
-I'm eight minutes Iate. -You're 1 0 minutes Iate.
-Okay, weII, where's Jessa? -WeII, she's not here,
because she's never fucking here when she needs to be.
-Sorry. -WeII, she was reaIIy upset before.
I think you shouId be a IittIe bit sensitive.
I mean, you think? She's about to get an abortion.
It's about the most traumatic thing that can ever happen to a woman.
I'm teIIing you, I don't know why you're being so casuaI about this.
I was getting reaIIy, reaIIy worked up on the train on the way here.
You don't need to worry about her, okay? This office is beautifuI.
I'm sure they've done this a miIIion times before.
I was just thinking...
I have been sexuaIIy irresponsibIe enough in my Iife thus far
that I shouId've gotten pregnant by now, and I never have.
Like, I get my period at the same time,
on the same day of every monthIy cycIe my entire Iife.
Like, it's never strayed from that.
Then you're reaIIy Iucky.
I never know when I'm gonna get my period, and it's aIways a surprise,
and that's why aII my underwear are covered in weird stains.
SeriousIy, I need to become a mom, Hannah.
I was put on this pIanet to be a mother.
WeII, maybe CharIie has a reaIIy Iow sperm count.
I'm sure CharIie has a reaIIy Iow sperm count.
What if I'm barren?
No, you're not barren.
Hi! Hi! I'm so sorry I'm Iate.
I stopped at DyIan's and got some snacks
because I don't know how Iong these things take.
When my sister had a baby, it was, Iike, hours, and I was starving, so I was just...
Shoshanna, you shouId sit down.
So you know Venice is sinking.
So I'm Iike, "We gotta get out of here. We gotta move.
"This pIace is going down. It's happening faster than you think."
Nobody fucking moves.
I was Iike, "Are you guys crazy?"
Hey, do you guys have a pay phone?
Why wouId we have a pay phone?
Here, you can use my ceIIuIar phone.
Oh, thank you.
You have a bunch of texts and stuff.
Mind your own business.
Hey, Mom, it's Morgan.
Just caIIing to Iet you know I wiII caII you back in a few hours
and I hope you're feeIing better.
Love you. Bye.
Thank you.
Sure.
What's that you're drinking?
MiIk.
Jessa, it's Marnie. It is 1 :30, and your appointment was at 1 :00.
So caII me, pIease. Bye.
Hey, a IittIe bird toId me that you were getting an STD test. Fun!
Do you reaIIy think that sounds Iike a Iot of fun?
I mean, Iike, just to get to have sex and then have a test about it.
This thing asks you if you wear a seat beIt and if you operate machinery.
Those are important things if you're gonna have a baby.
You need to wear a seat beIt and stop operating machinery.
She's obsessed with getting AIDS.
She's thought she was gonna have it since she was 1 0 years oId.
So that's what this is about.
I don't have an obsessive fear ofAIDS. I have an obsessive fear of HIV
that turns into AIDS. I'm not a fooI.
WeII, you don't have HIV. You just don't. It's not that easy to contract.
It's reaIIy not that hard to contract either, though.
-Haven't you seen Rent? -PIease, I've seen it 1 2 times.
It's basicaIIy why I moved to New York.
So use condoms if you're so scared.
I do use condoms. I aIways use condoms.
But what about aII the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms?
What about that stuff?
Like what? What kind of stuff?
Okay, so when a guy finishes, there's... The materiaI, okay?
-Right. -And then, that stuff
can Ieak out from around the sides of condoms.
And here's how I figure it.
He wiII Ieave his penis in you from when it's hard to when it shrinks,
because that is what guys are wont to do.
Are they reaIIy wont to do that?
I mean, yeah, Iike, with me they're totaIIy wont to do that.
Yeah, they usuaIIy do that.
And then, when they puII out, it's fucking mayhem.
I've been diagramming it in my head aII afternoon.
And no one speaks about this.
Hannah Horvath.
Okay, that is me.
PIease, don't yeII at Jessa too much when she gets here, okay?
I won't. I won't. I mean, it's just...
It's a bummer because she ruined it, but it's not...
How couId she ruin the beautifuI abortion that you threw?
Hannah, that is not what I meant.
You're a reaIIy good friend, and you threw a reaIIy good abortion.
Oh, stop it.
You did.
I'm just worried, you know? What if she's in a gutter or changed her mind?
She seemed reaIIy excited about it this morning.
Whoa.
This is wiId.
-Put your hands down my pants. -Now?
-Yes. -Okay.
-Mmm. -Like that? Is that okay?
Don't ask me that ever again in my Iife.
Sorry.
Um...
You're bIeeding.
Oh, my God.
Oh, shit.
Jess-star, it's Shosh.
It's, um... It's Iike, 2:1 5, and I'm just caIIing to see where you are
and how you're feeIing and if you're...
Hey, you're pregnant when you don't wanna be,
so you might wanna come have your abortion now.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
There is seriousIy nothing fIakier in this worId than not showing up to your own abortion.
I mean, honestIy, can you think of anything Iess respectfuI than that,
other than getting pregnant in the first pIace?
SeriousIy, she shouId just fucking, you know,
return our caIIs or something, or at Ieast send us a text.
She doesn't reaIIy know how to text. She caIIs it a "word aIert."
I mean, I don't even know why I bother anymore.
HonestIy, every time I put myseIf out there with her,
nothing, just brick waII. She does not respect my time, my efforts,
my friendship, my kindness, none of it. I mean, wouId you do this?
WouId you get pregnant after having sex with some weird foreigner
and then just not even show up to the abortion?
I've never had sex.
What?
I've never had sex, okay?
AKA, I'm aImost 22 and I'm a virgin.
ReaIIy?
-SeriousIy. -Okay.
It's Iike everyone and their mother has had sex except for me.
No, sex is reaIIy, reaIIy overrated.
-What? -It is.
I mean, you've given a bIowjob, right?
-Yes. -Yeah, so...
-No. -ReaIIy?
Yes. I have not.
-You haven't? -There was this one time at camp,
and it was a few strokes up and down,
but we were in the woods and it was kind of spooky, so...
You think I'm a Ioser.
I don't think you're a Ioser.
I just toId you that I'm a virgin. I don't...
I don't know what to say. I mean, I hit a puppy once with my car.
I onIy had my Iearner's permit.
-DOCTOR: Twenty-four years oId? -HANNAH: Mmm-hmm.
A hundred and forty-five pounds.
HANNAH: Oh, I'm 143 pounds.
The nurse weighed me with cIothes on, so that was a rude thing to do.
SexuaIIy active?
Just one partner or...
ShouId I get more? Because the one I've got is kind of a handfuI.
Yeah, it's just him.
And do you use protection? Condoms?
I aIways use condoms, but, um, I've been thinking a Iot IateIy
about the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms.
Like, what is the deaI with aII of that stuff, you know?
You mean the semen?
I mean, aII of it.
I have a very bad fear ofAIDS.
Have you known someone with AIDS?
It's more of, Iike, a Forrest Gump-based fear.
That's what Robin Wright-Penn's character died of.
Okay, just Iie back for me, okay?
Yeah. Just...
-Yes, Iegs up. -Mmm-hmm.
Yeah. Oh, okay.
Perfect, thank you.
The thing is that these days if you are diagnosed with AIDS,
you know, it's actuaIIy not a death sentence.
There's so many good drugs and peopIe Iive a Iong time, so...
AIso, um, you know, if you have AIDS,
there's a Iot of stuff peopIe aren't gonna bother you about,
Iike, for exampIe, no one's gonna caII you on the phone and say,
"Did you get a job?" or "Did you pay your rent?"
or "Are you taking an HTML course?"
Because aII they're gonna say is, Iike,
"CongratuIations on not being dead."
And it's aIso a reaIIy good excuse to be mad at a guy.
It's not just something dumb Iike, "You didn't text me."
It's Iike, "You gave me AIDS, so deaI with that forever."
Maybe I actuaIIy am not scared ofAIDS.
Maybe I thought I was scared ofAIDS, and what I reaIIy am is wanting AIDS.
That is an incredibIy siIIy thing to say.
You do not want AIDS.
Do you know that every 35 minutes
a woman is newIy diagnosed with HIV?
And a third of those women are under the age of 30,
and many of them wiII die ofAIDS.
So, you're saying that ifAdam gave me AIDS, that I'm definiteIy going to die of it?
No, I'm not saying that.
Can you open up, pIease?
You couId not pay me enough to be 24 again.
WeII, they're not paying me at aII.
Ow.
Is that painfuI?
Yeah, but onIy in the way it's supposed to be.
(OVERDRAWN PLAYING)