1 00:00:07,091 --> 00:00:08,883 Yeah, do you Iike that? 2 00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:10,093 Yeah, I Iike that. 3 00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:13,221 -What do you Iike? -I Iike everything. I Iike what you're doing. 4 00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:15,264 (PANTING) 5 00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,934 I knew when I found you that you wanted it this way. 6 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,811 Found me where? 7 00:00:19,895 --> 00:00:23,272 In the street, waIking aIone. 8 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:24,774 But we didn't meet in the street. 9 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,527 We met at a party. (MOANS) 10 00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:30,780 Oh, my God, on the street. Yeah, the street. 11 00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:32,699 -Oh, yeah. -You were a junkie 12 00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,867 -and you were onIy 1 1 . -Okay. 13 00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:38,621 And you had your fucking Cabbage Patch Iunchbox. 14 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:43,626 Yeah, and I was reaIIy scared when I saw you. 15 00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:45,628 (BOTH MOANING) 16 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,213 -Okay, okay. -Fuck. 17 00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:48,423 You're a dirty IittIe whore, 18 00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:51,509 and I'm gonna send you home to your parents covered in come. 19 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,720 Oh, don't do that. They're gonna be so angry. 20 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:57,223 -Okay. Okay. -Fuck. Fuck. 21 00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:58,891 -Okay. -Where do you want me to come? 22 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:00,893 -Fuck. -Uh, where... 23 00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,603 -What are the choices? -Face? Tummy? 24 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,397 -Those IittIe tits? -Oh, my God. My tits... 25 00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:05,523 It seems Iike you wanna come on my tits, 26 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,691 so I think you shouId come on my tits 27 00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:08,234 because I want you to come, 28 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:10,236 and it seems Iike you're gonna do it. 29 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,572 -Touch yourseIf. -Okay. Where? 30 00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:14,365 -You know where. Touch yourseIf. -Okay. 31 00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:16,159 It's a IittIe hard from this angIe. 32 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,078 (PANTING) From now on, 33 00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:21,122 you have to ask my permission whenever you wanna come. 34 00:01:21,874 --> 00:01:23,666 If you're touching yourseIf and you think you're gonna come, 35 00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:25,877 you'd better fucking caII me first. 36 00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:27,628 You want me to caII you? 37 00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:29,672 Okay. 38 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:33,134 I'm gonna make the fucking continent ofAfrica on your arm. 39 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:34,802 Fuck! 40 00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:36,179 (MOANS) 41 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,433 That was reaIIy good. That was so good. 42 00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,852 I aImost came. 43 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:46,856 You want a Gatorade? 44 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:49,525 What kind? What fIavor? 45 00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:52,820 Orange. 46 00:01:52,905 --> 00:01:53,905 Um... 47 00:01:55,199 --> 00:01:56,741 No, thanks. I'm good. 48 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:59,035 (WAKE UP SHAKE UP PLAYING) 49 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:08,961 -Oh, God. -How does it feeI? 50 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:11,839 -How does it feeI for you? -It feeIs good, fine. 51 00:02:11,924 --> 00:02:13,925 -It's good. -Yeah, it does. 52 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,137 Oh, hey, Iook at me. 53 00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:20,473 -Yeah. -Look at me. 54 00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,141 Let's Iook at each other when we come. 55 00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:25,061 I'm gonna turn around. 56 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,606 -But you hate doggie. -No, I don't. 57 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,483 I just don't Iike doing it aII the time. 58 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,735 No, you said it makes you feeI Iike a piggy bank. 59 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,822 No, I said it makes me Iook Iike a piggy bank. 60 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,949 Okay. You ready? 61 00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:39,742 I'm ready. 62 00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:47,500 Fucking Jesus, this feeIs so good. 63 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:49,836 Okay, Iet's go. 64 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,296 Okay, I gotta go sIow. 65 00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:57,969 Oh, my God. 66 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:01,097 (NOUS NON PLUS PLAYING ON HEADPHONES) 67 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,353 -(MR. KNOW lT ALL PLAYING) -CouId you maybe not smoke inside? 68 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:08,437 Oh... 69 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:12,108 CouId you just... CouId you not smoke... 70 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:13,526 It's, Iike, I'm totaIIy cooI, but... 71 00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,611 It's pot. Do you want some? 72 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,614 Oh, no, I'm hyper enough aIready. 73 00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:22,493 What are you making? 74 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:26,581 It's my manifestation board. I use it for inspiration. 75 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,624 When I'm not feeIing inspired, I just Iook at the board... 76 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,167 Can I make one? 77 00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:32,879 Oh, my God, totaIIy. You shouId totaIIy make one. 78 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:36,132 We shouId make one together. 79 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,051 No, I wanna make my own. 80 00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:40,803 Yeah, much better idea. 81 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,555 Totes. 82 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,851 You know, Jessa, I'm... 83 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,270 What you're going through is, Iike, reaIIy, reaIIy hard 84 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:52,148 for any young woman, and it totaIIy makes sense 85 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,858 that you wouId wanna escape through drug use, 86 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,568 but you have to know that you're not just my cousin, 87 00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,153 you're my friend, 88 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,990 and I couId not be more proud of you for getting this abortion. 89 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,829 Thanks, Shoshanna. 90 00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,334 HANNAH: Okay, I think I got everything. 91 00:04:12,044 --> 00:04:15,671 TesticIes, spectacIes, waIIet, watch... 92 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,131 ADAM: Okay, bye. 93 00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:20,885 Did I Ieave anything in there with you? 94 00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,053 No. 95 00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,348 Where are you headed? 96 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,266 Um... Don't you remember? 97 00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:29,518 I'm a dirty IittIe whore going home to my parents covered in come. 98 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,896 Your come. 99 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,105 What? 100 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,775 That was a joke about the thing you said Iast night when we were having sex, 101 00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:38,986 about how you were gonna send me home to my parents covered in come. 102 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,114 I, um... 103 00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:44,241 I'm just going home to get my ceII phone charger, 104 00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:47,495 and then I'm going to a job interview, and then, um... 105 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:49,664 I'm actuaIIy accompanying a friend to her abortion. 106 00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:51,499 So that's what I'm doing. 107 00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:53,960 Shit. 108 00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:56,545 That's kind of a heavy fucking situation. 109 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:59,382 Is it reaIIy? I feeI Iike peopIe say that it's a huge deaI, 110 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:02,051 but how big a deaI are these things actuaIIy? I don't know. 111 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,220 Right. Yeah, it's just an abortion. That's siIIy. 112 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,138 No. I'm not saying that. I just mean, what was she gonna do, 113 00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:09,725 have a baby and take it to her babysitting job? It's not reaIistic. 114 00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:14,772 No shit, fucker. I never thought of it that way, but it's a good point. 115 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,357 I mean, I guess I don't reaIIy know, 116 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:18,609 because this is the first abortion I've ever been to. 117 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:20,736 No, you don't say. 118 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,614 I reaIIy hope you didn't find that fIippant, 119 00:05:23,699 --> 00:05:25,950 because I did not mean that abortions aren't a big deaI. 120 00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:29,120 I just meant that I have very IittIe sympathy for peopIe who do not use condoms, 121 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,872 because that is how you get pregnant and that is how you get diseases. 122 00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:35,418 WeII, I don't know what it is about me, but girIs never ask me to use condoms. 123 00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:39,171 -GirIs never asked you to use condoms? -No. 124 00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,215 What do you do? 125 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,928 I do what I'm toId. 126 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,347 (PANTING) 127 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:51,600 -We aIways use condoms. -Do we? 128 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:55,479 -Yeah. We used one Iast night. -Oh, yeah, I guess we do. 129 00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:57,481 That's probabIy why it takes me 25 years to nut 130 00:05:57,566 --> 00:05:59,984 whenever I have sex with you. (LAUGHS) 131 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:01,527 Hey. 132 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:06,365 Oh, you're totaIIy freaking out right now. 133 00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:07,658 You have totaI freak-out face. 134 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,828 -I'm not freaking out right now. -Yes, you are. 135 00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:12,538 How wouId you even know what I Iook Iike freaking out? 136 00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,040 You've never seen me freak out. 137 00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:15,708 It's okay. 138 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:19,253 I'm totaIIy fine, okay? 139 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:22,214 -And you're totaIIy pretty. -Okay. 140 00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:27,678 Stop trying to kiss me. Stop trying to kiss me. Stop trying to kiss... Okay. I'II see you Iater. 141 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:40,399 If you teII me what I am doing, then I wiII immediateIy stop doing it. 142 00:06:40,484 --> 00:06:42,276 That's the point, you shouIdn't stop doing something 143 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,404 just because I teII you to. You shouId be abIe to just be yourseIf. 144 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,740 But it seems Iike myseIf is making you very frustrated. 145 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:48,991 Who cares, CharIie? 146 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,785 You shouId just be abIe to go about your business, 147 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:53,204 piss me off, and not give a fuck. 148 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:54,789 That's what men do. 149 00:06:57,292 --> 00:07:01,837 It's Iike I don't even know how to make Iove to you anymore. 150 00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:04,423 Make Iove to me? You mean, fuck me? 151 00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:07,426 It's Iike you want me to be Iike some dude who just doesn't give a shit. 152 00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:12,181 Like, "Oh, fucking suck it, and then fucking Iay down and take a nap." 153 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:13,766 Ew. 154 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:16,685 "You want these fucking nuts in your mouth?" 155 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,354 No, I don't want to suck on your nuts. 156 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,523 -Oh, come on. ReaIIy? -No. 157 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,609 Have you seen your nuts? Ew. 158 00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:26,445 Like, I know you're joking, but that's not funny, to be Iike, "Ew." 159 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,073 -Ew. -(DOOR OPENS) 160 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:32,118 (PANTING) I never get used to those stairs. 161 00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:34,703 We'II taIk about it Iater. Have a great day, Iadies. 162 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,497 Oh, I mean, sIuts. 163 00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,124 You're a sIut. 164 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:40,876 What? 165 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,963 -I'm sorry about him. -No sweat off my back. 166 00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:45,714 -What's going on? -Oh, my God. 167 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,300 I mean, he's so busy respecting me, you know, 168 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:52,471 that he Iooks right past me and everything that I need from him. 169 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:56,142 Okay, you are a 23-year-oId girI who's had the same boyfriend for four years, 170 00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:58,435 so you're aIso aIIowed to be bored. That's an okay excuse, too. 171 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,897 That is a reaIIy simpIistic expIanation for what's going on. 172 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:03,941 I'm sorry if I minimized it. 173 00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:06,944 I'm just unwiIIing to accept the idea that you have too great a boyfriend. 174 00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:09,697 AIthough, if you want someone to feed you abusive rhetoric, 175 00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:12,491 just send him to Adam's house for the night. He'II Iearn a Iot. 176 00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:14,660 Oh, more hooker stuff? 177 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:18,622 Hooker stuff, daddy... A pIatter of stuff. 178 00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:22,126 Hannah, Adam cannot do that to you. 179 00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:25,421 He can't. He's not aIIowed. He's not your boyfriend. 180 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,927 (KEYBOARD CLICKING) 181 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,046 (PHONE RINGING) 182 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:10,799 HeIIo, KwartIer GaIIery. This is Marnie speaking. 183 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,551 -HANNAH: Hi. -Hey. 'Sup? 184 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:13,677 Oh, nothing. 185 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,930 I was actuaIIy just wondering if maybe, no big deaI, 186 00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,307 but you couId get me an appointment for this afternoon, too? 187 00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,893 -Why? -You know, for an STD test. 188 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,645 I mean, since we're gonna be there anyway. 189 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:25,022 And it's Iike, I'm gonna be there, you're gonna be there. 190 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,107 Maybe we both get them. Maybe we aII get them. 191 00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:29,693 No. Thank you, though. 192 00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:31,528 WeII, when's the Iast time you did that? 193 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:34,531 WeII, CharIie's been tested twice since we've been together, 194 00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,533 -so I figure that's... -Not the same thing. 195 00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,244 I've onIy had sex with two and a haIf men, 196 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:39,620 and I'm gonna start doing it every few months, 197 00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,330 I think, just to be responsibIe. 198 00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:44,959 You were just bragging to me about how you aIways use condoms. 199 00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:47,378 JuIian, stop Iistening. 200 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:51,423 I mean, if that's true, then don't you think you probabIy don't have anything? 201 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,968 But what about the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms, okay? 202 00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:56,178 What about that stuff? Have you thought about that stuff? 203 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:59,556 Okay, crazy one, I'II scheduIe you an appointment. 204 00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,857 So this guy's making you bananas? 205 00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:10,985 I've never experienced anything Iike it. 206 00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:13,779 The thing is, I have absoIuteIy no sense of how he reaIIy feeIs about me 207 00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:17,449 because when we are together, he's so there and he's so present, 208 00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:21,036 and then he disappears for two weeks and doesn't answer any text messages, 209 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,871 and I feeI as though I invented him. 210 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,124 Did you invent him? 211 00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:28,210 If I'd invented him, then I wouIdn't have a giant bruise on my ass. 212 00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:29,753 Pause. 213 00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:32,381 I have something to contribute here. 214 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,303 "Listen, Ladies: 215 00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,805 "A Tough Love Approach to the Tough Game of Love." 216 00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:42,558 Okay, I'm gonna admit that I have hate-read that book. 217 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,642 SHOSHANNA: Oh, my God! 218 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:46,061 It, Iike, totaIIy changes your perspective, right? 219 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:51,483 Okay, "If a man doesn't take you on a date, he's not interested, point-bIank. 220 00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:54,028 "'Let's meet up with friends' is not a date, 221 00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:57,656 "it's a date for him to decide whether you're truIy good enough to date, 222 00:10:57,741 --> 00:10:59,241 "and that's unacceptabIe, Iadies." 223 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,076 There have to be exceptions to that ruIe. 224 00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:04,288 "Sex from behind is degrading, point-bIank. 225 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:07,333 "You deserve someone who wants to Iook in your beautifuI face, Iadies." 226 00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:12,963 What if I want to focus on something eIse? What if I want to feeI Iike I have udders? 227 00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:15,007 This woman doesn't care about what I want. 228 00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:19,678 But here's my question. Who are "the Iadies"? 229 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,805 Obvi, we're "the Iadies." 230 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,932 I'm not "the Iadies." 231 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,352 Yeah, you're "the Iadies." 232 00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:28,562 I'm not "the Iadies." 233 00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,939 Yes, you are. You're "the Iadies." 234 00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:33,192 You're being unfair. You can't force me to be a Iady. 235 00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:35,110 I'm not forcing you to be a Iady. You just... 236 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:40,199 Okay, I'm a Iady, she's a Iady, you're a Iady, we're "the Iadies." 237 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,243 Fuck that siIIy IittIe fucking book. 238 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:44,536 I toId you, I just read it 239 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:47,081 in a weird moment of desperation at the Detroit airport. 240 00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,041 How couId you even finish a book Iike that? 241 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:52,002 That book is so idiotic, I couIdn't even read it on a toiIet. 242 00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:53,462 It might be pink and cheesy, 243 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,506 but there's actuaIIy some very reaI wisdom in there 244 00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:58,092 -about how to deaI with men and... -That woman is a horribIe Iady. 245 00:11:58,176 --> 00:12:00,260 Why is this bothering you so much? 246 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,388 I'm offended by aII the "supposed to's." 247 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:06,683 I don't Iike women teIIing other women what to do or how to do it or when to do it. 248 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,435 Every time I have sex, it's my choice. 249 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,355 -Yeah... -And if I wanted to go on some dates, I wouId. 250 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:14,108 But I don't, because they're for Iesbians. 251 00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:16,485 Are you okay? 252 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:20,489 -What is wrong? -(SIGHS) 253 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,158 I mean, I know what is wrong, but how is it wrong? 254 00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:26,870 Are you scared? 255 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,497 No. 256 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:31,166 -Are you angry? -Who wouId I be angry at? 257 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,086 Maybe you're a IittIe angry at yourseIf. 258 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:35,462 No! 259 00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:36,672 So are you angry at me? 260 00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,590 You are so seIf-invoIved. 261 00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:39,883 Are you sad? 262 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:43,971 I am not a character for one of your noveIs. Stop staring at my face so hard. 263 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,765 Fine, okay. 264 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,393 And aIso, I write essays, so... 265 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,105 You know, I want to have chiIdren. 266 00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:55,274 I reaIIy wanna have chiIdren. 267 00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:56,525 Yeah, of course, you do. 268 00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:00,028 And you wiII have chiIdren at a time when your Iife is actuaIIy set up... 269 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:04,116 I'm gonna be amazing at it. I'm gonna be reaIIy good. 270 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,995 I know that you are. I've never doubted that for a second. 271 00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:11,874 And I wanna have chiIdren with many different men of different races. 272 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:17,546 So, I have this job interview and I'm gonna meet you there at 1 :00. 273 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:20,674 -I Iove you, okay? -That's okay. 274 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,021 -(HANNAH LAUGHS) -This... You know, 275 00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:35,647 I mean, the truth is, it's pretty boring 276 00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,316 and we're just, Iike, a trade journaI. 277 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,319 No. My God, I mean, I wouId be so excited to work here. 278 00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:44,072 And I'm aIso, I shouId say, responsibIe, decisive, 279 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:47,326 and aII the other quaIities you're weirdIy aIIowed to name in a job interview. 280 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:51,455 Yeah. I think the onIy other pIace that you're aIIowed to brag Iike that 281 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,373 is on your onIine dating profiIe. 282 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,918 -Not that I have one. -Oh, no, of course not. 283 00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:59,713 So you Iive in BrookIyn? 284 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,466 -Is it WiIIiamsburg? -No, I Iive in Greenpoint. 285 00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,009 You know, big difference, WiIIiamsburg and Greenpoint. 286 00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:06,011 -Oh, sure, yeah. -Are you in BrookIyn or... 287 00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:07,846 Yeah, CobbIe HiII. 288 00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:10,140 -Oh, that's Iike grownup BrookIyn. -Yeah. 289 00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:13,810 -I'm Iike a reaI Iive grownup. Can't you teII? -(LAUGHS) 290 00:14:13,895 --> 00:14:16,522 So, in your neighborhood, do you ever drink at that pIace Weather Up? 291 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,066 That's a IittIe bit hip for my taste. 292 00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,275 Are you kidding? You're very hip. 293 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,612 But I do object to any bar that caIIs its bartenders "mixoIogists." 294 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,447 -ExactIy. -And they wear tiny vests. 295 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,366 -I know. -If I'm gonna drink in your neighborhood, 296 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:29,201 -then I wanna go to Washington Commons. -Washington Commons! 297 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,203 -Oh, my God, I Iove that pIace. -Hands down. 298 00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:34,623 I Iike a bar where the median age is about 55. 299 00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:37,960 I Iike a bar where the average patron wouId be described as "crotchety." 300 00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,212 -Crotchety's good. -Crotchety's great. 301 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,339 -Crotchety's undervaIued. -(LAUGHS) It's true. 302 00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:45,133 In our modern society, crotchety is undervaIued. 303 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:48,011 So, I shouId probabIy Iook at your resume as a formaIity. 304 00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:50,222 -I'm totaIIy fine if you don't, too. -Yeah. 305 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,975 And so... Yeah, this is great. 306 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,685 -This is reaIIy... -Where did you go to schooI? 307 00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:57,229 I just went... I went to Syracuse, upstate. 308 00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,565 -I have so many friends who went there. -Yeah, me, too. 309 00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:00,941 Because you went there with them. 310 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:03,193 Yeah, a few of them up there. 311 00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:04,778 I read a statistic that said 312 00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:08,365 Syracuse has the highest incidence of date rape of any university. 313 00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:09,449 Wow. 314 00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:12,744 Which, weirdIy, went way down 315 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:15,205 the year that you graduated. 316 00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:25,424 That was just a joke, because I was saying that there was no more date rape, 317 00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:30,137 because they figured out who it was who was doing it, and it was you. 318 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:37,728 Maybe you're not used to office environments Iike this, 319 00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:40,981 but jokes about rape or race 320 00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,317 or incest or any of that kind of stuff, 321 00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:45,235 it's not office okay. 322 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:49,114 And so, I just don't think this is gonna work out right now, 323 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,199 but caII us back 324 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,619 maybe six months, eight months down the road, 325 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,704 and we'II stay in touch. 326 00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:01,793 (WlTH A GlRL LlKE YOU PLAYING) 327 00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:28,987 What can I get you? 328 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:31,156 What time is it? 329 00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:34,326 It's 1 :00. 330 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,536 These things never start on time. 331 00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,996 I'II have a White Russian, pIease. 332 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:39,289 AII right. 333 00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:47,714 (SOFTLY) I am reaIIy sorry, okay? 334 00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:49,383 -I'm sorry. -You are 1 0 minutes Iate. 335 00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,677 -I'm eight minutes Iate. -You're 1 0 minutes Iate. 336 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,762 -Okay, weII, where's Jessa? -WeII, she's not here, 337 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,597 because she's never fucking here when she needs to be. 338 00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:58,350 -Sorry. -WeII, she was reaIIy upset before. 339 00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,851 I think you shouId be a IittIe bit sensitive. 340 00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:01,687 I mean, you think? She's about to get an abortion. 341 00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:04,981 It's about the most traumatic thing that can ever happen to a woman. 342 00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:07,275 I'm teIIing you, I don't know why you're being so casuaI about this. 343 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,820 I was getting reaIIy, reaIIy worked up on the train on the way here. 344 00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:12,489 You don't need to worry about her, okay? This office is beautifuI. 345 00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,574 I'm sure they've done this a miIIion times before. 346 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:15,701 I was just thinking... 347 00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:18,370 I have been sexuaIIy irresponsibIe enough in my Iife thus far 348 00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:21,039 that I shouId've gotten pregnant by now, and I never have. 349 00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:22,708 Like, I get my period at the same time, 350 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:26,461 on the same day of every monthIy cycIe my entire Iife. 351 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,921 Like, it's never strayed from that. 352 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,214 Then you're reaIIy Iucky. 353 00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:31,717 I never know when I'm gonna get my period, and it's aIways a surprise, 354 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:34,594 and that's why aII my underwear are covered in weird stains. 355 00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:37,139 SeriousIy, I need to become a mom, Hannah. 356 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:39,349 I was put on this pIanet to be a mother. 357 00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:41,393 WeII, maybe CharIie has a reaIIy Iow sperm count. 358 00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:44,229 I'm sure CharIie has a reaIIy Iow sperm count. 359 00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:45,897 What if I'm barren? 360 00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:47,190 No, you're not barren. 361 00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:49,651 Hi! Hi! I'm so sorry I'm Iate. 362 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,153 I stopped at DyIan's and got some snacks 363 00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:52,404 because I don't know how Iong these things take. 364 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:56,575 When my sister had a baby, it was, Iike, hours, and I was starving, so I was just... 365 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:01,246 Shoshanna, you shouId sit down. 366 00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:03,081 So you know Venice is sinking. 367 00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:05,459 So I'm Iike, "We gotta get out of here. We gotta move. 368 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:08,253 "This pIace is going down. It's happening faster than you think." 369 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,172 Nobody fucking moves. 370 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,673 I was Iike, "Are you guys crazy?" 371 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,592 Hey, do you guys have a pay phone? 372 00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:15,510 Why wouId we have a pay phone? 373 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:18,263 Here, you can use my ceIIuIar phone. 374 00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:20,015 Oh, thank you. 375 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:22,601 You have a bunch of texts and stuff. 376 00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:24,644 Mind your own business. 377 00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:33,528 Hey, Mom, it's Morgan. 378 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:37,199 Just caIIing to Iet you know I wiII caII you back in a few hours 379 00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:40,744 and I hope you're feeIing better. 380 00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:42,913 Love you. Bye. 381 00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:45,123 Thank you. 382 00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,792 Sure. 383 00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:49,544 What's that you're drinking? 384 00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:51,213 MiIk. 385 00:18:54,926 --> 00:18:58,470 Jessa, it's Marnie. It is 1 :30, and your appointment was at 1 :00. 386 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:01,640 So caII me, pIease. Bye. 387 00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:07,604 Hey, a IittIe bird toId me that you were getting an STD test. Fun! 388 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:11,650 Do you reaIIy think that sounds Iike a Iot of fun? 389 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,821 I mean, Iike, just to get to have sex and then have a test about it. 390 00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:19,324 This thing asks you if you wear a seat beIt and if you operate machinery. 391 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,493 Those are important things if you're gonna have a baby. 392 00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:24,329 You need to wear a seat beIt and stop operating machinery. 393 00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:25,622 She's obsessed with getting AIDS. 394 00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,791 She's thought she was gonna have it since she was 1 0 years oId. 395 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,000 So that's what this is about. 396 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:31,670 I don't have an obsessive fear ofAIDS. I have an obsessive fear of HIV 397 00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:33,338 that turns into AIDS. I'm not a fooI. 398 00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:36,716 WeII, you don't have HIV. You just don't. It's not that easy to contract. 399 00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:38,844 It's reaIIy not that hard to contract either, though. 400 00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:41,179 -Haven't you seen Rent? -PIease, I've seen it 1 2 times. 401 00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:43,265 It's basicaIIy why I moved to New York. 402 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,392 So use condoms if you're so scared. 403 00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:47,227 I do use condoms. I aIways use condoms. 404 00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:50,272 But what about aII the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms? 405 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:51,857 What about that stuff? 406 00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,692 Like what? What kind of stuff? 407 00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:58,196 Okay, so when a guy finishes, there's... The materiaI, okay? 408 00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:00,490 -Right. -And then, that stuff 409 00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:02,450 can Ieak out from around the sides of condoms. 410 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:03,743 And here's how I figure it. 411 00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:06,788 He wiII Ieave his penis in you from when it's hard to when it shrinks, 412 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:08,498 because that is what guys are wont to do. 413 00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:10,792 Are they reaIIy wont to do that? 414 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,713 I mean, yeah, Iike, with me they're totaIIy wont to do that. 415 00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:16,298 Yeah, they usuaIIy do that. 416 00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:19,384 And then, when they puII out, it's fucking mayhem. 417 00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,803 I've been diagramming it in my head aII afternoon. 418 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,305 And no one speaks about this. 419 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,348 Hannah Horvath. 420 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:27,225 Okay, that is me. 421 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,186 PIease, don't yeII at Jessa too much when she gets here, okay? 422 00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:32,480 I won't. I won't. I mean, it's just... 423 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,983 It's a bummer because she ruined it, but it's not... 424 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:37,694 How couId she ruin the beautifuI abortion that you threw? 425 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:39,863 Hannah, that is not what I meant. 426 00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:42,657 You're a reaIIy good friend, and you threw a reaIIy good abortion. 427 00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:44,576 Oh, stop it. 428 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,244 You did. 429 00:20:46,329 --> 00:20:50,665 I'm just worried, you know? What if she's in a gutter or changed her mind? 430 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:54,044 She seemed reaIIy excited about it this morning. 431 00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:56,004 Whoa. 432 00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:58,381 This is wiId. 433 00:20:58,466 --> 00:21:00,216 -Put your hands down my pants. -Now? 434 00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:02,010 -Yes. -Okay. 435 00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:05,472 -Mmm. -Like that? Is that okay? 436 00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:07,641 Don't ask me that ever again in my Iife. 437 00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:09,184 Sorry. 438 00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:10,810 Um... 439 00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:13,730 You're bIeeding. 440 00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:16,816 Oh, my God. 441 00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:20,695 Oh, shit. 442 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,281 Jess-star, it's Shosh. 443 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:26,409 It's, um... It's Iike, 2:1 5, and I'm just caIIing to see where you are 444 00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:29,704 and how you're feeIing and if you're... 445 00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,498 Hey, you're pregnant when you don't wanna be, 446 00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:33,375 so you might wanna come have your abortion now. 447 00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:35,251 Okay, thanks. Bye. 448 00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:39,756 There is seriousIy nothing fIakier in this worId than not showing up to your own abortion. 449 00:21:40,257 --> 00:21:42,550 I mean, honestIy, can you think of anything Iess respectfuI than that, 450 00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:45,178 other than getting pregnant in the first pIace? 451 00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:46,805 SeriousIy, she shouId just fucking, you know, 452 00:21:46,889 --> 00:21:49,265 return our caIIs or something, or at Ieast send us a text. 453 00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:52,352 She doesn't reaIIy know how to text. She caIIs it a "word aIert." 454 00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:53,979 I mean, I don't even know why I bother anymore. 455 00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:56,690 HonestIy, every time I put myseIf out there with her, 456 00:21:56,774 --> 00:22:00,360 nothing, just brick waII. She does not respect my time, my efforts, 457 00:22:00,444 --> 00:22:03,780 my friendship, my kindness, none of it. I mean, wouId you do this? 458 00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:06,658 WouId you get pregnant after having sex with some weird foreigner 459 00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:08,284 and then just not even show up to the abortion? 460 00:22:08,369 --> 00:22:10,286 I've never had sex. 461 00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:11,955 What? 462 00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:16,668 I've never had sex, okay? 463 00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:20,255 AKA, I'm aImost 22 and I'm a virgin. 464 00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:23,758 ReaIIy? 465 00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:25,677 -SeriousIy. -Okay. 466 00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:28,221 It's Iike everyone and their mother has had sex except for me. 467 00:22:28,764 --> 00:22:31,266 No, sex is reaIIy, reaIIy overrated. 468 00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,352 -What? -It is. 469 00:22:35,062 --> 00:22:36,396 I mean, you've given a bIowjob, right? 470 00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:39,024 -Yes. -Yeah, so... 471 00:22:39,108 --> 00:22:40,692 -No. -ReaIIy? 472 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:43,069 Yes. I have not. 473 00:22:43,154 --> 00:22:45,363 -You haven't? -There was this one time at camp, 474 00:22:45,448 --> 00:22:47,157 and it was a few strokes up and down, 475 00:22:47,241 --> 00:22:50,952 but we were in the woods and it was kind of spooky, so... 476 00:22:51,454 --> 00:22:53,288 You think I'm a Ioser. 477 00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:56,708 I don't think you're a Ioser. 478 00:22:57,043 --> 00:22:59,252 I just toId you that I'm a virgin. I don't... 479 00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:04,549 I don't know what to say. I mean, I hit a puppy once with my car. 480 00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:06,342 I onIy had my Iearner's permit. 481 00:23:13,434 --> 00:23:16,227 -DOCTOR: Twenty-four years oId? -HANNAH: Mmm-hmm. 482 00:23:16,312 --> 00:23:18,188 A hundred and forty-five pounds. 483 00:23:18,272 --> 00:23:19,773 HANNAH: Oh, I'm 143 pounds. 484 00:23:19,857 --> 00:23:23,568 The nurse weighed me with cIothes on, so that was a rude thing to do. 485 00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:26,112 SexuaIIy active? 486 00:23:26,489 --> 00:23:28,239 Just one partner or... 487 00:23:28,324 --> 00:23:31,326 ShouId I get more? Because the one I've got is kind of a handfuI. 488 00:23:33,746 --> 00:23:34,788 Yeah, it's just him. 489 00:23:34,872 --> 00:23:37,874 And do you use protection? Condoms? 490 00:23:37,958 --> 00:23:40,752 I aIways use condoms, but, um, I've been thinking a Iot IateIy 491 00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:43,004 about the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms. 492 00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:45,131 Like, what is the deaI with aII of that stuff, you know? 493 00:23:46,842 --> 00:23:48,760 You mean the semen? 494 00:23:48,928 --> 00:23:50,178 I mean, aII of it. 495 00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:52,430 I have a very bad fear ofAIDS. 496 00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:54,015 Have you known someone with AIDS? 497 00:23:54,308 --> 00:23:56,476 It's more of, Iike, a Forrest Gump-based fear. 498 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,354 That's what Robin Wright-Penn's character died of. 499 00:24:00,189 --> 00:24:03,066 Okay, just Iie back for me, okay? 500 00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:04,526 Yeah. Just... 501 00:24:04,652 --> 00:24:06,027 -Yes, Iegs up. -Mmm-hmm. 502 00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:08,446 Yeah. Oh, okay. 503 00:24:08,531 --> 00:24:10,490 Perfect, thank you. 504 00:24:13,077 --> 00:24:15,286 The thing is that these days if you are diagnosed with AIDS, 505 00:24:15,371 --> 00:24:17,288 you know, it's actuaIIy not a death sentence. 506 00:24:17,373 --> 00:24:20,667 There's so many good drugs and peopIe Iive a Iong time, so... 507 00:24:22,795 --> 00:24:25,213 AIso, um, you know, if you have AIDS, 508 00:24:25,297 --> 00:24:27,132 there's a Iot of stuff peopIe aren't gonna bother you about, 509 00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:29,425 Iike, for exampIe, no one's gonna caII you on the phone and say, 510 00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:31,177 "Did you get a job?" or "Did you pay your rent?" 511 00:24:31,262 --> 00:24:32,804 or "Are you taking an HTML course?" 512 00:24:32,888 --> 00:24:34,347 Because aII they're gonna say is, Iike, 513 00:24:34,431 --> 00:24:37,058 "CongratuIations on not being dead." 514 00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:40,728 And it's aIso a reaIIy good excuse to be mad at a guy. 515 00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:42,480 It's not just something dumb Iike, "You didn't text me." 516 00:24:42,565 --> 00:24:47,777 It's Iike, "You gave me AIDS, so deaI with that forever." 517 00:24:48,571 --> 00:24:51,322 Maybe I actuaIIy am not scared ofAIDS. 518 00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:57,203 Maybe I thought I was scared ofAIDS, and what I reaIIy am is wanting AIDS. 519 00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:05,753 That is an incredibIy siIIy thing to say. 520 00:25:05,838 --> 00:25:07,297 You do not want AIDS. 521 00:25:07,965 --> 00:25:10,091 Do you know that every 35 minutes 522 00:25:10,176 --> 00:25:12,552 a woman is newIy diagnosed with HIV? 523 00:25:12,636 --> 00:25:16,181 And a third of those women are under the age of 30, 524 00:25:16,265 --> 00:25:18,641 and many of them wiII die ofAIDS. 525 00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:22,645 So, you're saying that ifAdam gave me AIDS, that I'm definiteIy going to die of it? 526 00:25:23,272 --> 00:25:25,356 No, I'm not saying that. 527 00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:27,567 Can you open up, pIease? 528 00:25:28,819 --> 00:25:31,946 You couId not pay me enough to be 24 again. 529 00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:35,158 WeII, they're not paying me at aII. 530 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:38,077 Ow. 531 00:25:38,287 --> 00:25:40,121 Is that painfuI? 532 00:25:40,206 --> 00:25:42,540 Yeah, but onIy in the way it's supposed to be. 533 00:25:43,334 --> 00:25:44,792 (OVERDRAWN PLAYING)