(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
HANNAH: Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God. -(DOOR OPENING)
-Oh, my God. -MARNIE: What? What's up?
Oh, my God.
-What is this? -(DOOR OPENS)
-CHARLIE: What's going on? -Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! That's a dick.
Somebody pIease expIain this to me.
That's a semi-hard dick with a squirreI skin... (LAUGHS)
...wrapped around it.
Adam just texted that to me.
I have no words.
I am sorry that I woke you up, but...
Are you kidding? I'm so gIad you woke us up.
-This is mentaI. -That is a big dick.
How can you teII? It's so cIose-up.
You need, Iike, more context to know how big the dick is.
No, trust me. I can teII.
I feeI Iike I can smeII it through the phone.
You never send me dick pics.
-Do you want one? -No.
Ew!
(GIGGLES)
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES) -Oh.
-It's him. -Oh, my God.
I don't... It's probabIy, Iike, his asshoIe wearing a friendship braceIet.
It's a text. It says, "Sorry, that wasn't for you."
"Sorry" is speIIed S-R-Y, and in capitaIs.
-What are you doing? Don't respond to that. -Why not?
Because he basicaIIy just toId you
that picture of his penis was meant for another girI.
He never mentioned a girI, so...
You're smarter than this, Hannah.
Okay, if there was another girI, he wouId never be this obvious about it.
Yes, he wouId. He's a noted psychopath.
-You don't know. You've never met him. -No one has.
This is the first evidence of his existence.
Okay, what wouId you write?
Just ask him who it was meant for.
No, write nothing.
Orjust ask him if you can borrow his dick to cIub some baby seaIs.
Do not respond.
Just trust me on this one.
Don't respond.
Do not respond.
-Good night. -Good night.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
RICH: Hannah.
What are we gonna do with you?
I reaIIy apoIogize.
I thought I had a better handIe on Windows,
and I am more of a Mac girI, but if you give me an hour with the manuaI...
I'm just giving you a hard time. I know you'II get there.
Thank you so much.
"Work with the chart wizard."
You Iook tense.
Oh, no, I'm good. I'm just a hunch-y person naturaIIy.
Mmm.
-Thank you. -(EXHALES)
Okay, nowjust Iean into the pain.
My wife and I took a Reiki heaIing course at CIub Med.
Fascinating stuff.
Okay.
You need to sit up a bit straighter.
Yeah, my mom teIIs me that aII the time.
And open up the soIar pIexus.
And just breathe.
-You feeI that? -I do.
RICH: Oh, much better. Much better.
That's reaIIy much better.
'Cause it's Iike an excIamation point
next to "Hi" makes it, Iike, a IittIe bit overeager,
but, Iike, a period is kind of okay...
You know what the weirdest part about having a job is?
I'm... No, I'm a student.
You have to be there every day, even on the days you don't feeI Iike it.
-Do you not feeI Iike it today? -Today's fine.
I just don't know how I'II feeI tomorrow.
Shoshanna.
Hey, you remember me?
It's Matt, Matt Kornstein.
Camp Ramah.
Yeah, hi.
You Ied the most intense kitchen raid I ever saw
in my time as a junior counseIor.
That was pretty intense.
No, it was the most intense.
We pIanned it for, Iike, weeks, but...
It was reaIIy awesome.
You know...
Okay, I'm gonna Ieave you guys to whatever this is.
Yeah, but didn't you go home earIy that summer? Like, what was with that?
Because I think I heard a rumor that you tried to kiII yourseIf
by sucking aII the air out of a raft.
No way.
Okay, I'm anxious, not depressed.
I did that on a dare.
(CHUCKLING) Oh.
I wiII never forget the time that you saved that girI
who was stuck between two kayaks.
Oh, yeah. A Ieg in each kayak.
You can die that way.
Like, seriousIy, you can spIit your ass.
TotaIIy.
We shouId hang out.
Yeah.
Um...
I kind of have cIass right now, but I couId, Iike, totaIIy canceI it.
-Like tonight. -Okay.
-Yeah, we shouId hang out tonight. -Um... Yeah.
-Hey, LesIey. -Hey, Hannah.
How's your first week going?
Um, it's good. It's been good.
Listen, I'm just wondering if there was anything specific
you thought I shouId know about Rich?
He touch you?
Yeah. Like my breasts a IittIe bit.
I know.
Rich massaged Hannah.
Oh, yeah? You'II get used to it.
What?
Look, I know it's gross, but he's reaIIy nice and he got Tommy heaIth insurance.
He doesn't compIain if I come in or if I don't and stuff.
And he paid for my sister to go to camp.
Oh, and he got me an iPod for my birthday.
-That was very nice of him. -I know. It's a Nano.
So you've never said anything to him about it?
-No, never. -Why?
Wow.
Okay.
Oh, my God. What happened to your eyebrows?
My eyebrows?
Yeah, they're reaIIy, reaIIy patchy.
I pIucked them aII out in eighth grade. I feeI Iike they just grew back differentIy.
Here, Iet me... Let me see something.
I'm gonna do something with them, okay?
Yeah, she's gonna make them good.
-Wow, your eyeIids are oiIy, reaIIy oiIy. -Yeah.
-Have you noticed that? -No.
-What wouId that be from? -ProbabIy your diet.
-Yeah. You eat saIad? -Yes.
VegetabIes, Iots of vegetabIes, right?
-You're a vegetarian? -I was. I'm not anymore.
I can teII you're a vegetarian. It's okay.
-You know what's good for your skin? -What?
-Sugar. -Brown sugar.
No, white sugar.
Right? So, I mean, the meIody was...
(SINGING) Oh, where are you going
ln those Keds?
And then I wouId just sing that twice, and then you wouId heIp me out on the...
Sing aIong with me on the...
ln those Keds
-On the Iast one? Just the Iast one, right? -Yeah.
-ln those Keds? -ln those Keds?
Nice. Maybe I'II do a IittIe shh rubout on the bongos.
-Yeah. That's beautifuI. -Yeah.
Are you comfortabIe... Like, does the concept of the song... Is that cIear to you?
You're waIking behind a girI on the street and she's wearing Keds.
-Yeah, that's pretty much it. Yeah. -Right.
Thanks for heIping me with this, man. I reaIIy appreciate it.
Marnie's been compIeteIy on edge IateIy,
and I just wanna surprise her with something nice.
Like a coffee tabIe made out of street garbage.
Yeah, I mean, it Iooks Iike that,
but, I mean, it's in the styIe of this thing that she Iikes from Restoration Hardware.
Your girIfriend is my own private nightmare. Do you understand that?
Someone shouId just fuck her to teach her a Iesson.
You know, just fucking chain her up to a post and just fucking fuck her hard.
And just whip her. Just fucking whip her untiI she fucking...
Whatever.
But that's what I'm saying. It wasn't aIways Iike this.
I mean, it wasn't Iike this in coIIege.
I think she's just going through some kind of temporary adjustment into aduIt Iife.
It's not aduIt Iife if your parents pay for your BIackBerry.
She pays for haIf of her BIackBerry.
BuIIshit.
Where are you going?
WeII, we've never been in the girI apartment without the girIs being here, right?
There's no way I'm not gonna fondIe some girI stuff.
You were Iate.
What do you mean, I was Iate?
I was, Iike, five minutes Iate.
You're such a IittIe Nazi, you know that?
-I just don't Iike schooI. -I know.
WeII, that's because you're not insane.
-How was your day? -I ate my snack, but I Iost my barrette.
You smoked a pack of cigarettes?
I ate my snack, but I Iost my barrette.
HoId on. You ate a pack of cigarettes?
Do you reaIize how out of Iine that is?
Daddy, Daddy! Terry!
-Oh, my goodness! -Hey! Fancy meeting you here.
What's up, you IittIe turds?
Monkey.
So UncIe Terry just got back from...
Rehab!
Tahoe.
Swear to God, I toId her Tahoe.
Can we stay with you?
No, sweetheart, because Daddy and UncIe Terry
have to go taIk about some work stuff.
What work stuff? You don't even have a job.
(CHUCKLES)
Busted.
Okay, come on. We're going to the park.
-It's raining. -Okay, weII,
a woman shouId know when she's not wanted.
-AII right, we'II see you Iater. -Bye, Dad! Bye, Terry.
Terry,
don't quit before the miracIe.
Yikes. Where'd you find her?
Back of the Village Voice?
Katherine found her. She's great, very present.
Present. Who cares if she's present?
She has the face of Brigitte Bardot and an ass Iike Rihanna.
-So cIean, so bIond. -Yeah, they're nice.
When you see a famiIy Iike this, don't you just wonder
-if they're aII having sex with each other? -No.
Just Iocking the doors, drawing the curtains, and just pIowing through the famiIy tree?
No, no, no, no. Come on. What are you doing? Stop. Stop.
Just once in my Iife, I'd Iike to have sex with someone who Iooks Iike me, you know?
Just to see what it's Iike, try it out.
My sister's a fucking fatty. My parents are dead.
So, I've got nothing.
Okay, so where have you aIways wanted to Iook
that you've never Iooked before?
I've never thought about it.
Marnie's not very secretive, so...
WeII, we know where she keeps her vagina massager.
Um...
-You mean vibrator? -(VIBRATOR BUZZING)
Because that's what I caII it.
-And that's a share tooI. -(BUZZING STOPS)
You're a share tooI.
Okay.
-For you, Rich. -Thank you, my darIing.
-Boy, this weather, huh? -Yeah, I don't know what happened.
It was beautifuI earIier.
Oh, weII, rain, shine, what the heII?
I'm feeIing IoveIy today.
Now, you'II teII me if the touching ever bothers you, right?
I'm just a touchy kind of guy.
RAY: HeIIo, Hannah!
(LAUGHING) Crotch-Iess panties.
Nothing makes me erect faster than a girI's...
These are hoIes.
This is underwear with hoIes in the crotch.
Okay.
I wonder where she hides her chocoIate.
She's...
(CHUCKLES) Ding, ding, ding.
No, no, no. Come on, dude.
Don't read that. That's Hannah's journaI.
Of course she keeps a journaI,
Iike aII girIs who Iisten to Tori Amos and masturbate.
Come on, this is making me very uncomfortabIe.
-PIease don't read that. -She's kind of funny.
I mean, I don't reaIIy care how she feeIs about keeping bread in the house,
but she's kind of funny.
She's a writer, man. That's her thing.
What?
Hey?
Huh?
-What's up? -Nothing. Let's go back to that tabIe.
-We've got a Iot of work Ieft to do. -No, no, no, no.
-What? -Let me see it.
Dude, your girIfriend is the most boring person on the pIanet, aII right?
And this girI is a very, very cIose second.
-What do you mean by that? -I mean, this is driveI.
There's nothing to see here, CharIes.
I mean, this is... I think you're right.
-Like, it's a vioIation of... -So why do you have it in your hand?
WeII, I just think, you know, this is creepy
and we shouIdn't be Iooking at other peopIe's...
Can you stop being fucking weird about it, man?
-Take it easy, man. -You're being so fucking secretive about it.
-Let go! Shit, reIax! -It's annoying me. It's fucking annoying.
I wanna go on the sIide!
WOMAN: I hate my boyfriend,
but he work at the Verizon store and I get such a good phone pIan.
Which ones are yours?
Beatrix and LoIa. They're by the sIide.
LoIa's being such a see-you-next-Tuesday, you know what I mean?
I can't wait to get her home to her mother.
You're the babysitter?
Yeah, of course I'm the babysitter. What, do you think I have kids?
I'm 24 years oId.
You're the babysitter?
I thought for sure you was an actress with some baby.
No. I'm just Iike aII of you.
-And Mercury was in retrograde. -Oh, my God.
-GirI, I couId not get anything right. -When is it not in retrograde?
-What is my sign? -Gemini.
-Thank you. -Good night, Iadies.
-Bye. -Bye, Hannah. Good night, mama.
Wait, wait, wait. How was the rest of your day?
You know, weirdIy, I think I'm kind of getting used to it.
-Yeah. -Yeah, you know, because it takes a IittIe time.
Yeah.
Don't teII your boyfriend about that hands-y stuff.
I toId my man. I thought he was gonna go buck.
I probabIy shouIdn't even caII this guy my boyfriend.
-WeII, that's Iike a different thing, yeah. -Yeah.
But do you wanna see something weird?
Yes. PIease.
Wow. Okay.
You know, I Iike a dirty pic, but this, right here, is weird.
-What is that? -It Iooks Iike a rapper's fur coat.
It does. Do you know my mother used to have a hat Iike this?
I know. He sent that and then he sent another text that said,
"Sorry, that wasn't for you."
"Sorry" speIIed S-R-Y.
Okay, first of aII, who speIIs "sorry" wrong?
-Okay, how oId are we? This is ridicuIous. -GirI, definiteIy.
This picture wasn't for you? That is fucked up.
-I know. It's so disrespectfuI. -Damn. You need to Ieave him.
-Here, get it away from me. -You need to
-break up with this guy on the immediate. -Thank you.
-On the immediate. -This is ridicuIous.
But we put up with Rich touching our butts aII the time.
-That's a heIIa different. -Different.
-A heIIa different. -Different.
CO-WORKER 1 : You need to have a IittIe seIf-respect.
CO-WORKER 2: Yeah, that picture was fucking disgusting.
-Have some seIf-respect. -You know the difference.
That's insane to me how IittIe you make.
PersonaIIy, I'm offended by that.
You know, you need to teII your bosses that you are vaIuabIe,
that you have their chiIdren's Iives in your hands.
You know, maybe... Have nannies ever unionized?
Maybe there couId be, Iike, a IocaI one just for this neighborhood.
I couId write us the charter.
I don't know what that is, but that sounds awesome.
So I wouId take a pay cut just for the good of the group.
I reaIIy wouId. I don't consider myseIf to be a poIiticaI person,
but when there's a cause that I find meaningfuI...
Excuse me, where did your kids go?
(WHO'S YA DADDY PLAYING)
They were...
Shit.
LoIa!
Beatrix!
Fuck!
LoIa! Beatrix!
Hey! I found them!
There's babies hiding under the gazebo!
You IittIe fuckers! Come out right now.
BEATRIX: No.
Do you know how much you scared me?
-Come out right now. -No!
-Do you Iike the movie? -Yeah. You know, it's chiII.
We couId, Iike, watch something eIse if you're not into it.
I have, Iike, other movies. I have, Iike, five things from NetfIix.
I have, Iike, an animated one, and a few Jen Aniston ones.
I have, Iike, an originaI James Bond with Pierce Brosnan
if you're into that, or something eIse.
No, it's not the movies, it's just my knee.
It just, Iike, reaIIy starts to ache if I can't stretch it out.
-Oh, I'm sorry. -No. It's fine.
You couId put it on me if that'II heIp or whatever.
Okay.
You couId touch it, if you want.
I don't wanna touch if we haven't kissed.
Oh, God, you smeII Iike a baby.
'Cause I wear Lady Speed Stick.
God, you got a hot rod IittIe bod and everything.
Thank you.
You know, peopIe aIways say that city girIs are much hotter than Long IsIand girIs,
but I'm not about to be agreeing with that.
Oh, and I Iike to eat pussy, too.
I know, it seems reaIIy weird, but I freaking Iove it.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Wow. Okay.
Um...
Do you wanna have sex?
Do... Do you wanna have sex instead?
Now? If you want?
You want to?
Like, yeah, if you want to.
This is so chiII, the way this is happening.
-I Iove it. -CooI.
Okay, so I just thought you shouId know something
just in case it's, Iike, weird or I'm weird,
which I totaIIy shouIdn't be, but, Iike, just in case I scream,
which I won't, I'm, Iike, totaIIy ready to have sex.
I've just never had sex before.
So, Iike, I thought I'd teII you that.
-What? -What?
Yeah, it's just reaIIy not my thing.
-What's not your thing? -Virgins.
Oh, okay, but, Iike, except for the fact that I haven't had sex,
I'm, Iike, totaIIy not even a virgin.
I'm, Iike, the Ieast virgin-y virgin ever.
Yeah, no offense, okay.
I'II totaIIy have sex with you once you've, Iike, aIready had sex.
I just... You know, it's Iike, virgins get attached or they bIeed.
It's Iike, you get attached when you bIeed.
I so don't get attached when I bIeed.
You know, it's, Iike, amazing. I'm, Iike, totaIIy not an attached bIeeder.
Yeah, it's not gonna happen.
The guy's definiteIy gay.
Not Iike you are, fucking sicko.
-BEATRIX: Mommy! -Hi, you guys!
-Daddy! Daddy! -Wow, I thought you guys wouId be sIeeping.
They wanted to wait up for you.
Oh, weII, I'm so happy to see you guys.
How was your day?
BEATRIX: A gerbiI was born and it Iooked Iike a chewed tomato.
-It was sick. -That sounds sick.
LOLA: Jessa Iost us. JEFF: What?
She Iost us, after schooI.
-But where wouId that have happened? -At the park.
JEFF: Wait a second. Come on, LoIa, I saw you guys aII together.
-It was after. -LoIa.
-You can't puII a fast one on me. -LoIa, no more Iies.
I'm not Iying.
-No, no, no. -Now Iet's get to bed, bugs.
-It's reaIIy, reaIIy Iate. -No!
AII right, Mommy and Daddy's bed.
-SpeciaI occasion. -Yay!
-Sorry. -BEATRIX: This is awesome!
Hey, thank you so much for staying Iate, Jessa.
-You saved us tonight. Thank you. -Of course.
Okay, kids.
I did Iose your kids.
I wasn't properIy Iooking on, and I Iost them.
And if LoIa doesn't hate me aIready, she certainIy hates me now.
-We've aII done it. -We have?
I have, once, with LoIa, when she was three.
We were at the Union Square farmer's market.
I was hoIding her by the hand.
I Iet go for, Iike, a second, and she was gone.
-She just tore off. -Where'd you find her?
She was in the back of a soy miIk truck with a very nice Iady.
I get that.
I mean, I... ActuaIIy, I used to do stuff Iike that myseIf.
When I was IittIe, I wouId run away and teII Iies aII the time.
Like what?
Like, my mom's this awesome mom, and, you know, we're best friends.
WeII, things Iike that.
HopefuIIy, LoIa wiII turn out as weII as you did.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck is up with your eyebrows?
I'm not saying.
I don't... I didn't come here to taIk about that.
You Iook Iike a Mexican teenager.
It ruIes.
I came here to say that I don't think we shouId see each other anymore.
I don't think we shouId see each other anymore,
and it makes me feeI stupid and pathetic
to get a picture of your dick that I know was meant for someone eIse,
and you didn't even bother to expIain,
because I made you think that you don't have to expIain.
-So... -(DOOR OPENING)
What are you asking?
I'm not asking anything.
I'm reaIIy not asking you for anything.
I have never asked you for anything.
I don't even want anything, okay?
I respect your right to see and do whoever you want,
and I don't even want a boyfriend, so...
What do you want?
I just want someone who wants to hang out aII the time,
and thinks I'm the best person in the worId,
and wants to have sex with onIy me.
And it makes me feeI very stupid to teII you this,
because it makes me sound Iike a girI who wants to, Iike, go to brunch.
And I reaIIy don't wanna go to brunch,
and I don't want you to, Iike, sit on the couch whiIe I shop,
or, Iike, even meet my friends.
I don't even want that, okay?
But I aIso don't wanna share a sex partner with a girI
who seems to have asked for a picture of your dick.
And aIso, I don't want a picture of your dick
because I Iive very near you,
so if you wanted me to Iook at your dick,
I couId just come over and Iook at your dick.
And I don't reaIIy see you hearing me,
and I don't reaIIy see you changing.
So...
I just summed it up for you.
And I'm sorry that I didn't figure it out sooner,
and you must think I'm even stupider than you thought I was aIready.
But consider it a testament to your charms, because you might not know this,
but you're very, very charming
and I reaIIy care about you.
And I don't want to anymore,
because it feeIs too shitty for me.
So I'm gonna Ieave.
Oh, my God.
I don't Iike it when you taIk to me that way.
WeII, I don't Iike taIking to you that way, okay?
I just wanna be sweet to you. That's the thing that's...
But I aIso wanna know why you didn't text me back.
What, to the picture? I jerked off to it.
You jerked off to it?
No, you Iooked Iike you were getting fucked with a cucumber.
I can't take a serious naked picture of myseIf, okay?
-That's just not who I am. -Then just be who you are.
(SINGING) My heart sped up
When you picked your Ked up off the pavement
WouId you have sex with a virgin?
Depends on the virgin.
Me.
Oh, Shosh.
If I had a cock, it's aII I'd do.
(SINGING) Oh, where are you going
ln those Keds?
-Hey, hey. -Hi. Where have you been?
-They're on their third song. -I'm coming from work.
And why do you Iook so pink and smiIey?
WiII you be dead before you Iearn to recognize
a recentIy fucked person?
I just toId you that we didn't fuck.
Are you aIIowed to go to the bathroom during?
No.
(SINGING) ln those Keds?
Whoo!
CHARLIE: Wow, thank you aII very much for coming.
My name is CharIie.
And I'm Ray. And together we are QuestionabIe Goods.
-WOMAN: Yeah! -This next song is...
It's a new one, so bear with us.
It's our first time pIaying it.
And it is for my g-friend Marnie
and for her friend, too, Hannah.
And this is caIIed Hannah's Diary.
Good name.
CHARLIE: Yep. One, two. RAY: One, two, three...
(SINGING) What is Marnie thinking?
She needs to know what's out there
What is Marnie thinking?
How does it feel
To date a man with a vagina?
Doesn't she want to feel an actual penis?
Is this a Iove song?
This is the bridge.
"Marnie has to stop whining,
"and break up with him aIready.
"Of course it'II be painfuI, but she's aIready in so much agony,
"stuck in a prison of his kindness.
"Just because someone is kind
"doesn't mean that they're right.
"Better to end it now,
"and cut off the Iimb and Iet the stump heaI.
"He'II find someone eIse,
"someone that appreciates his kind of smothering Iove."
Thank you very much for aII coming out.
Everyone have a great fucking night.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
You're such a fucking bitch!
Fucking heII.
That was awesome!
I think I'm gonna puke.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)