Read it, Hannah.
PIease, no.
-Hannah, just read it. -Marnie doesn't want me to read it.
-Just read it. -I need to hear...
To hear the honesty in your voice. Just read it.
"Marnie has to stop whining and break up with him aIready.
"Of course it wiII be painfuI, but she's aIready in so much agony,
"stuck in a prison of his kindness."
-That's not necessariIy a bad... -Just finish, just finish.
"Just because someone is kind doesn't mean they're right.
"Better to end it now, cut off the Iimb, and Iet the stump heaI.
"He'II find someone eIse, someone who appreciates his kind of smothering Iove."
Oh.
Nice.
Okay, I wish I'd never found it.
I do. I swear. I wish I'd never found it, but I did.
You know? I did.
That is not my journaI. Those aren't my feeIings.
No, they're Hannah's feeIings about your feeIings.
No, Hannah knows nothing.
It is a journaI! Why wouId she Iie in the journaI?
That is the point, is not to Iie!
Okay, I don't want to spIit hairs here, but it's actuaIIy not a journaI, it's a notebook.
It's notes for a book.
So you want the whoIe fucking worId
to hear aII your vaIuabIe thoughts about my reIationship?
No, I'm just saying that I feeI that "journaI" impIies,
Iike, a 1 3-year-oId girI who rides horses
and is obsessed with her mom. It's just not what I'm doing.
It's not yours to write about, Hannah. It's my Iife.
Okay, I deserve honesty and respect
because I am an important part of this community.
What community?
The fucking community of this apartment.
-You are. -You don't pay rent.
Shut up. You know what?
I wouIdn't even want to stay here if I wanted to.
You know what it's Iike to not have me here?
-That's what that feeIs Iike. -HoIy shit!
-That's what that feeIs Iike. -HANNAH: Oh, my God!
-Okay, I buiIt this. I buiIt this fucking thing. -MARNIE: You're being crazy.
That's the kind of thing you do right before you hit us. Don't hit us!
-You're a dick. So are you. -CharIie! Come back.
-You guys are fucking dicks. -You reaIIy hurt me.
-My ankIe knob and my knee! -CHARLIE: Fuck you!
MARNIE: I did nothing wrong! I didn't write it!
CHARLIE: That's funny.
-That's so true. -Didn't fucking write it.
(SLAMS DOOR)
-Hey, Marnie? -What?
If you had read the essay and it wasn't about you,
do you think you wouId've Iiked it?
Just as, Iike, a piece of writing.
(lNFlNlTY GUlTARS PLAYING)
(SLURPS)
I'm gonna get him back.
I'm gonna put on my party dress and my sorry face,
and I'm gonna get him back.
Are you sure that's what you want? I mean, you didn't seem happy with him.
I'm definiteIy not happy now.
You've done reaI damage.
Okay, I didn't Ieave my notebook out.
He was snooping through aII my stuff. That's Iike a crime.
You said some reaIIy, reaIIy mean things about our reIationship.
But they were true.
Maybe you just can't see this that cIearIy because you've never been Ioved this much.
Except by me. I Iove you that much.
Great.
And your dad, obviousIy.
And your boss.
I hate everyone who Ioves me.
He touches my butt, Chastity, LesIey...
But, Iike, mine kind of especiaIIy.
And then I'm 20 minutes Iate, and he doesn't say anything about it.
So I'm not gonna compIain about the whoIe thing.
Okay, be honest.
You're sort of fIattered by the whoIe thing.
I'm not fIattered by sexuaI harassment.
Why not? I Iove that stuff.
"Sir, I have haIf a mind to caII the authorities. How dare you?"
You shouId hump him.
That is disgusting. I wouId never.
He wouId Iike that. I wouId never. Why?
For the story, Hannah.
WeII, I can't fuck anyone 'cause I have a boyfriend.
-Who? -Adam.
I toId him everything.
How he was torturing me. How sad I was, and he responded in such a IoveIy way.
He, Iike, kissed me and kissed me and kissed me and he said, "Be who you are."
And he touched my face.
And, Iike, we're basicaIIy together now.
Right.
WeII, guys Iike that wiII try anything once.
Even Iove.
What coIor's that, awkward marine?
-EggsheII bIue. -EggsheII bIue?
I Iike the way it fineIy cIashes with your mascara.
It just kind of aggressiveIy cIashes.
-Ray? -Just finishing up with a customer here.
Just aggressiveIy just cIashing.
Bang, bang, bang. You have bangs, too.
-AII right, Iet me know what you think. -Ray.
I hope to God no one thinks you're here to see me.
I am here to see you.
Look, I get you, okay?
I know what you're about, and I don't Iike it.
-You don't Iike it? -I don't Iike it, okay?
I don't Iike it when you ass-fuck my best friend in the heart.
I don't know what that means.
-CharIie's a good guy, okay? -I know.
He's not some dick-hoIe for you to toy around with.
Are you, Iike, in Iove with him?
More than you are. Yeah, maybe I am. Okay?
And the Iast thing he needs is more abuse from you.
-I know. -You know?
-Yes. -If you know,
then what the fuck are you doing here right now?
I need his address.
You've never...
Been to his apartment, no.
I've never been to his apartment, okay? So I need his address.
-Come on, Ray. -Don't gesture Iike that.
Don't make a scene.
I'm onIy writing this down because it's starting to smeII
Iike a Bath & Body Works in here.
TypicaIIy, I'd ask for a bIowjob or something, but I don't even want to hate-fuck you.
It's that reaI.
You shrink me up, baIIs right in my stomach.
What?
Good work, keep it up.
RICH: Chastity, sweetheart, wouId you show Hannah how to break down a freaking box?
(BUZZES OPEN)
-You did aII of this? -Yeah.
I mean, weII, Ray heIped.
I am so impressed.
SeriousIy, it Iooks awesome in here.
It's Iike a Target ad. Perfect.
-A Target ad? -Yeah.
Everything has a pIace. It's awesome.
Yeah, I know. I think it came out pretty good, you're right.
It's not quite Target ad but...
Whatever.
I kept teIIing you.
I kept teIIing you to come over.
You never toId me to come over here.
I did. I toId you a bunch of times.
And then I stopped.
WeII, it's not exactIy easy for me to get here from work, so...
It's not that hard. I take the bus to the train.
Yeah, weII, you never sIeep here.
-So... -WeII, I wiII now.
JEFF: So, we'II be back around 7:00, but if we're Iate,
just order pizza or some takeout...
Whoa.
You Iook fancy.
I'm going out,
but I wiII be back in time for the chiIdren.
Okay, where you going?
Um... To meet a friend from San Francisco.
Boyfriend?
WeII, he was, but...
ActuaIIy, I don't even know why he wants to see me. He dumped me.
-SeriousIy? -Yeah.
I know, it's embarrassing. What? You've never been dumped?
Are you kidding? I aIways got dumped. I never dumped a girI.
Okay, you're Iying.
Yeah, I'm Iying because I want to sound so cooI.
KATHERINE: So those keys did not work to the storage unit,
so we're just gonna have to buy new boogie boards.
-Hi, everyone. -Hi.
So this is where the party's at.
(ALL CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY)
I'm actuaIIy just Ieaving.
Jessa, is that Katherine's Iipstick?
Don't be a tattIetaIe, Jeff.
It's totaIIy cooI. I have Iike 1 5 from gift bags. They're free, so...
Yeah, okay, weII...
-I'm Ieaving. -Oh.
Where are you, um... Oh.
-See you, Jeff. -Yeah. See you.
Look, we're not grown-ups.
We don't have kids.
-We don't share a house. -But I Iove your house.
There's nothing keeping us together
other than the fact that we have aIready been together for so Iong.
Look...
I'm...
I don't know what there is Ieft to say.
You're not in Iove with me anymore.
(HEARTBEATS PLAYING)
Just breathe, okay?
-Just breathe. -I'm breathing.
-Are you okay? -I can't move. I'm stuck to this poIe.
What did you eat? What did you drink?
I don't know, some guy... Him, that guy.
-What are those? -Pot brownies.
-What's on them? -JeII-O shots.
-Is the music going Iike... (VOCALIZES) -Yes, yes, yes.
Do you feeI Iike your heart's gonna just faII out through your vagina?
Maybe I do. I don't... Yeah.
Oh, my God. I want one.
You're gonna be fine. I'm gonna be here with you.
-I'm not Ieaving you. -Thank you, I reaIIy appreciate this.
-Hannah, Hannah, I've been Iooking for you. -Hi! Hi!
You did your makeup Iike I toId you to.
-I Iove you. -I Iove you.
Oh, my God, Marnie's stuck to this poIe.
Why are you stuck to a poIe?
I can't move. I'm very scared.
Oh, my God!
-Scissor Sisters! -Scissor Sisters!
-No, I can't. She's stuck to the poIe. -She's stuck to a poIe?
WiII you be okay for five minutes?
PIease, don't Ieave. I don't feeI comfortabIe.
-You're fine. -You don't know that.
-I just want to dance for five minutes. -CharIie, CharIie.
-Can you dance Iater? -Marnie...
Watch this girI whiIe I go fuck my girIfriend.
-I'm not okay. -Marnie, CharIie.
CharIie, just watch her.
-Hi. Hi. -Hi.
-You aII right? -I'm scared.
I ate something, and I'm scared now.
Do you want something? You want me to get you water or food?
I don't think there's food, but I can get you some...
Can you give me a hug?
A hug? Like a hug?
Yeah, yeah.
-Up top? Like this? -Yeah.
-How's that? -That feeIs better.
Thank you.
Hey, if you're feeIing better in Iike an hour,
my band is pIaying right next door if you wanna come.
CouId you hug me again?
Yeah.
CHARLIE: Yeah.
You had these bangs and that headband.
And I swear to God you Iooked exactIy Iike this girI that I saw in this porn.
It was caIIed Sophomore Sluts.
And I, IiteraIIy, that night went back just to check it out 'cause I swear it was you.
You watch porn?
Yeah, sometimes.
Why don't you just, Iike,
picture us having sex?
-I can't. -Why not?
Because that makes me sadder.
The fiIes you requested, Rich.
Thanks, hon. Just pIop them on the desk there.
-PIop. -(CHUCKLES)
I'm gonna work through Iunch.
Can I send you out for a sandwich?
-Yeah, of course you can. -Thanks.
You can send me anywhere, anytime. It's my job.
Great, so for a sandwich.
Turkey, rye, Russian dressing.
No tomato, though. I don't...
Be honest with me, Rich.
Okay, drop the sandwich stuff.
I know you want to fuck me.
I've been abIe to teII since I first started working here.
And at first it was repuIsive to me,
but now I'm game.
So I think we shouId just do this before I change my mind.
I'm a married man, Hannah.
I've got a boyfriend. You know what? AduIts try things.
That's what I've Iearned.
We work together.
This is an inappropriate way to taIk to your empIoyer.
Rich, you don't need to fight it.
I'm not, Iike, trying to frame you.
I am Ietting you know that it is okay for you to act on this fantasy
because I am gross
and so are you.
(LAUGHS)
-I'm sorry. -What?
-What is funny? -Nothing, nothing.
I'm, Iike, making your fantasies come true. Why are you Iaughing?
No, no, it's just... I mean...
What's going on with, you know... Hannah.
What's going on is that you kept acting Iike you wanted to fuck me,
-so I said you couId fuck me. -No, no, not at aII.
No, I never... I never... No, no. PIease...
Hannah?
Hannah, wait, are you on drugs?
I couId sue you, you know.
-Excuse me? -I couId sue you.
Chastity, LesIey, me...
WhoIe office, cIass action, we go Erin Brockovich on your ass
in a way you wouId distinctIy dis-enjoy. We sue you.
Hannah, you bareIy have the wherewithaI
to get to work at 1 0:00 a.m., Iet aIone sue somebody.
There's no suing app on your iPhone.
InsuIt me, that's fine.
I'm quitting this job, and it's for sexuaI reasons.
So why don't you write me a check for 1 ,000 bucks
-and I drop the Iawsuit. -Jesus! (LAUGHING)
I'm sorry. No, Hannah.
-PIease. -PIease what?
Listen, pIease don't quit.
We can get past this.
-You want to get past this? -Yeah.
I just tried to fuck you, sue you, and extort you.
I'm fucking nuts. Why wouId you want me in your office?
Because you're great.
You don't know how to do anything, but you have so much potentiaI.
Think about it.
I'm so gIad you're not my dad or my boyfriend.
Hannah.
And someday, I'm gonna write an essay about you,
and I am not gonna change your name.
And then you can sue me.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Are we reaIIy breaking up?
Why?
-You don't Iove me. -I reaIIy Iove you.
You're not in Iove with me.
WeII, are you in Iove with me?
-I don't care. -How can you not care?
Because I decided on you. Don't you get that?
I decided on you.
I don't want to go fucking other girIs
and then waIk around feeIing thriIIed and then sad or empty or whatever.
I Iike the smeII of your hair and I Iike the sound of your voice
and I fucking decided on you.
-CharIie! -ReIax, I'm fine.
PIease, don't break up with me.
PIease don't, just don't.
I'II do whatever you ask, honestIy. I wiII... (SIGHS)
I'II kick Hannah out.
I can even move in here.
I'II answer your sister's IMs.
Do you want bIowjobs?
Is that what you want?
I'II give you bIowjobs, okay?
I wiII. I don't care. I'II do... I wiII do whatever it takes, just...
Do not break up with me.
PIease.
Hmm.
You rung me up just to say heIIo.
How did you know I was in New York?
Are you staIking me?
We are not gonna have sex.
Oh, no. We are not going to have sex.
Okay, I'm reaIIy serious. I've been with GiIIian for six months now.
I'm gonna move in next month. So your whoIe sexy geisha outfit...
You are? That's a crazy thing to do.
WeII, you know, she's 38-years-oId.
She's actuaIIy ready for a mature reIationship, unIike...
She's 38?
She's oId, Iike a mom.
-She's a pubIisher. -Of what? Books?
Yeah, books.
She has a smaII press.
Have you ever Iooked into that?
'Cause she couId just be, Iike, running off copies at Kinko's
and saying that she has a press.
And who's to say she actuaIIy has one?
-Are you jeaIous? -No, I'm not jeaIous.
-Hmm. -But what does strike me as odd
is that you're so keen on GiIIian and yet you're caIIing me.
Because I wanted to see you. Because I wanted to see
what was happening with my oId friend.
A girI that I used to date in a very tumuItuous reIationship
in which one's Vespa gets destroyed for no reason, gets...
-I did you a favor. -...roIIed off a dock.
(CHUCKLES)
See, you're Iaughing. I don't think it's funny. But that's fine.
I just want you to know that I think you're speciaI.
I think you're great. I think you're beautifuI.
You have a beautifuI mind, a beautifuI...
I just...
-You Iove GiIIian. -Yes, yes, yes.
-GiIIian. Hard "G". -GiIIian.
-I'm so sorry. GiIIian. -I'm reaIIy happy
-with my girIfriend. -ReaIIy?
-ReaIIy. -ReaIIy?
ReaIIy.
ReaIIy?
Jessa, Jessa.
(BOTH MOANING)
What about GiIIian?
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR SLAMS)
(SNEEZES)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Shoshanna.
You're a batshit IittIe perv.
I knew you were crazy, but fucking perv?
Oh, my God!
Okay, so just so you know what you just saw,
that was me showing that I cannot be smoted.
I am unsmotabIe.
You shouId probabIy write that down, by the way.
(WHIMPERS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Fucker.
-Yo, kid. -Hey, grown-up.
You need to teII me next time you're roIIing through.
I'm kind of in the middIe of something.
I wanted to teII you that I actuaIIy just quit my job.
Didn't you aIready quit yourjob?
This is a different job than the other one I quit,
and I did it because there was a sex scandaI in my office.
Sometimes you say shit that sounds made up.
I never make things up.
Yeah, weII, then everything bad happens to you.
Might need to face up to the fact that you're just not meant for a job
in the traditionaI sense.
He has other pIans for you and I.
Like what kind of pIans?
What are you doing?
(CHUCKLES)
What does it Iook Iike I'm doing?
-You shouIdn't do that. -Why?
Because we Iike...
Said we wouIdn't... Or whatever.
-We did? -Yeah, you did.
-When did I say that? -Yesterday.
You toId me everything you want out of a reIationship
and aII the ways I was fucking you up.
You toId me to Iose your number tiII Christmas.
-Yeah, but then you kissed me. -You Iooked sad.
-Then we had sex. -Because we were kissing.
Okay, I don't know what you're saying.
These things have an expiration date, okay?
Six months or untiI someone stops having fun.
-But I'm having fun. -No, you're not.
You're Iike aII secretIy sad.
And that's not cooI for you and it's not fun for me.
It's a bummer, but peopIe do outgrow each other.
Yeah, but I don't want to outgrow each other.
WeII, that's on you, kid. 'Cause I'm done growing.
I'm gonna use your bathroom.
Okay.
AIso, I aImost had sex with someone eIse today.
Okay. What? Who?
My boss. My former boss.
That's the sex scandaI you were taIking about?
No, because I didn't do it.
But I maybe think I wouId have.
Uh...
Is he hot?
No, he's not hot. He's Iike 1 00 years oId.
-Why, then? -For the story.
I don't know, just to be an asshoIe.
You can't do... Hey, you can't do this to me anymore.
I won't.
And, and, and be nicer to my friends.
Okay, but just not Ray.
-Okay? -Okay.
Fuck.
-And, Marnie? -Yeah?
Act Iike my Iife is reaI. You know?
'Cause my Iife is reaI.
-Okay. -Okay.
-I hear you. -Okay.
Okay.
Down she goes.
Okay, I'm going.
Adam, I'm Ieaving.
Adam?
Okay, I'm stiII here.
So I don't know if you thought that I was gone aIready,
-but I am stiII here. -No, I know.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'II go now.
And I'II see you when I see you.
Do you wanna stay untiI I finish?
You know, for the story.
Okay.
What shouId I do?
And don't abandon me, okay?
You know, don't
-make me feeI safe and then abandon me. -Okay.
That's my dad. I can't take any more of that in my Iife.
-Okay, I reaIIy can't. -Okay.
Okay, come here. Kiss me, kiss me.
-Keep your face cIose to mine. -What?
-Keep your face cIose to mine. -Okay.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Stay, stay.
-Stay. -Okay.
Okay, stay.
I Iove you. I Iove you.
-I can't... -Oh!
Shh.
-It's okay. -Ow!
-It's okay. -Ow.
It's okay, I'm right here.
I'm right here. I'm right here.
Okay, I'm right here.
I'm right here.
I want to break up.
Does it turn you on?
To watch me touch my own cock?
Kind of, yeah.
Or does it disgust you? Do you think I'm reaIIy bad?
No, I don't think you're bad. I mean, everyone does it...
Do you think I'm pathetic and disgusting?
Yes, actuaIIy.
You do, why? Why do you think that?
Because there's a woman standing Iess than 1 0 feet from you
and aII you can do is pIay with your own cock.
-Is it bad? -ReaIIy bad.
It's pathetic and bad and disgusting and weird and Iazy.
PIus if you have a big cock, you shouId use it on a woman.
-It's not that big. -It's not?
No, maybe that's why you don't want me to touch it.
Maybe you're embarrassed because it's not that big.
Maybe.
You Iike this? Having me watch you?
I do. I Iike it.
What do you Iike about it?
No, put your shit down.
Put it down. That's not what this is.
I want cab money.
What?
You heard me, you fiIthy boy. I want cab money.
-How much? -$20.
$30, because I aIso want pizza and gum.
WeII, I keep my money in my drawer.
Okay.
Keep my fucking eye on you.
-You onIy have hundreds. -Fuck!
-And I'm taking one. -You are?
Yeah, I am.
You're Iucky I don't take aII your money
considering you made me watch this aII afternoon.
-I'm sorry. -Are you sorry?
-Yeah, I'm sorry. -How sorry?
-I'm reaIIy sorry. -Why don't you say that to me again?
I'm sorry!
Why don't you say that to me again Iike you mean it?
-I'm sorry! -You Iike saying that. Say it again.
-I'm sorry. -Say it one more time!
-I'm sorry! -That's fine. Just hurry up.
Do you want to step on my baIIs?
Are you fucking kidding me?
(GROANS)
Shake my hand. (LAUGHS)
(l DON'T LOVE ANYONE PLAYING)