(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)
HANNAH: (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
That is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my whoIe Iife.
I was an amazing chiId.
CouId you fIy?
CouId I what?
CouId you fIy?
No, I couIdn't fIy, but then again, I didn't have ears that big.
-Now you're gonna get it. -(LAUGHING)
I was joking. I was joking.
Too bad, 'cause this is gonna hurt you more than it does me.
You were a beautifuI baby.
(SKYSCRAPER PLAYING)
(BAG RUSTLING)
(CRUNCHING)
(SIGHS)
-(HANNAH MOANS) -ADAM: Oh, God.
HANNAH: Oh, my God.
ADAM: WouId you have fucked a four-year-oId me?
HANNAH: I was onIy two.
ADAM: How fat were you? Be honest.
-(HANNAH MOANING) -(BEDSPRINGS SQUEAKING)
HANNAH: Oh, my God. ADAM: That's what I thought.
-You were probabIy a reaIIy Iate waIker. -Oh, my God.
ADAM: And you were probabIy toiIet trained reaIIy Iate.
HANNAH: Oh, God. Oh, my God.
HANNAH: Oh. ADAM: Go, go, go, go, go.
HANNAH: I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.
One more time. (MOANING)
ADAM: That was fast.
HANNAH: Thank you. ADAM: Thank you.
-You'II feeI it soon. -I won't.
(PANTING) I toId you, okay, endorphins don't work on me,
and anyone who's ever promised me a runner's high is fuII of buIIshit.
(PANTING)
-Okay, no, no, no, no. -This is embarrassing.
-No, no, no, no, no. -You go on without me.
You just gotta reach your threshoId and run past it.
-Come on, high-five me. -Your hands are, Iike, 1 0 feet from me.
So catch the fuck up! High-five me!
-Come on! -I don't Iike this, Adam.
-Yes, yes. -I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
Fuck, yes. I fucking Iove it. Hannah, you're doing awesome.
-I hate this! -That's great.
-This'II change your Iife, I swear it. -Whoo! Into what?
Whoa, pace yourseIf, kid. Pace yourseIf.
Wow. No. Wow.
What the fuck? Get up. You're, Iike, three bIocks from your house!
You couId hop home.
No, get up!
Come on!
CharIie's in the bushes!
CharIie's in the bushes! Come on!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God.
-Fucker. What? -Look.
The ice-cream truck is parked directIy in front of my house.
-It's Iike Iife is a dream. -Oh, shit.
-What? -I don't do ice cream. It's Iike sweet mucus.
-Are you serious? -Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
Yes.
-I mean, you can have some, though. -Do you have any cash?
Look at me, I'm not even wearing any underwear.
-Where wouId I put cash? -I'm not wearing any underwear either.
-Hey. -MAN: Hey.
She'II show you her tits if you give her some ice cream.
-I'm not gonna do that. -Yes, you wiII.
-I'm not gonna do that. -Just kidding. I have $5.
Mmm-mmm.
If you don't Iike ice cream, what do you Iike?
I Iike you.
I'm done with these.
(SHORTS THUD SOFTLY)
(EMPHATICALLY) HeIIo.
-HANNAH: Marn, you okay? -Of course I am.
What, I can't just, Iike, catch up on some stuff
from the comfort of my own bed on a weekend morning?
Okay, weII, is it CharIie stuff?
He and Audrey went to Rome. They went to fucking Rome.
She had a work trip to MiIan and then they took a coupIe of days in Rome.
And he was making aII those wishes at those, Iike, overrated fountains
and they took a bajiIIion pictures of it.
-This is your ex-boyfriend? -Yes.
And you stiII wanna tap that?
WeII, we were seriousIy invoIved for four years
and I am now deaIing with the deepIy painfuI fact
that I'm probabIy not gonna end up with him.
Okay, you never wanted to end up with him.
Hannah, don't minimize.
-That shit's reaIIy hard. -Sorry.
ADAM: I'm sorry to hear you're going through that.
Thank you.
When I broke up with my girIfriend from coIIege, so sad.
I Iost 30 pounds. I couIdn't move or taIk or get my dick hard,
but it aIso made me go, "Hey, who am I and what do I want?"
Then I was Iike, boom, "I know who I am."
I wanted to switch majors and buy a circuIar saw,
and I promised myseIf that I'd foIIow my gut no matter what.
And I'd do what makes me feeI good.
What makes you feeI good?
I Iike reading.
(CHORTLES)
-(CELL PHONE RINGING) -HANNAH: Oh, here.
-Okay, we gotta jet out. We gotta go to tech. -Okay.
Yo, skank. Where you at? Gettin' that pussy pounded?
-It's my sister. -Oh.
No one's ever taken me to their tech rehearsaI before.
(LAUGHS)
You just say, "Tech."
Sorry that I don't know aII the terms.
I'm just a IittIe bit nervous to see it, you know?
-Like, are you nervous to have me see it? -No.
I'm reaIIy excited for you to see it because I'm reaIIy good at acting and writing.
PIus, the pIay couId be reaIIy good.
Ew.
Gay.
-What? -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
HeIIo? Who is it?
It's Jessa. Let me in. My thighs are on fire.
-Hi. -Oh, my God.
Ugh! My thighs are reaIIy rubbing together Iike nobody's business.
It's Iike they're red and raw and burning hot.
FeeIs Iike I had an epic fuckfest with a ghost.
I just wish I had a wheeIchair for June and JuIy.
Hannah isn't here. She Ieft with Adam.
But we had a pIan.
She knew that I Iost my job and she was gonna consoIe me today.
Yeah, weII, get used to it.
I mean, she hasn't reaIIy been very good about keeping many pIans these days,
or reaIIy any days.
ActuaIIy, she's aIways been fIaky about keeping pIans.
And then, Iike, apoIogizing for it Iike you're gonna shoot her.
Have you ever noticed when she gets dressed up,
she'II, Iike, put on a good dress and nice shoes
and then, Iike, do her Iipstick
and then wiII, Iike, Ieave her forehead shiny?
-Yes. Yeah. -Right?
It's Iike, "You've come this far. Wash your forehead."
"Wash your forehead." I know. It wouId be very easy.
Maybe now that she has this boyfriend, she'II start taking better care of herseIf.
What's the deaI with that guy?
Is he, Iike, a great thinker orjust a totaI fucking idiot?
I don't know, he's not, Iike, un-nice or anything. He's just fucking weird.
Like, I waIked into the bathroom the other day,
I kid you not, he was sitting there, taking a shit
and drinking miIk at the same time, and just stared at me.
That kind of a person wouId just totaIIy masturbate in front of anyone any day.
Ew. I'm sure you're right. I don't know, I just feeI bad for her.
She's never had a normaI boyfriend that's not gay, you know?
I don't know, maybe she just doesn't reaIize how bizarre he is.
You Iook reaIIy gorgeous.
I Iove you aII stripped down.
I've never been this miserabIe in my Iife.
It's totaIIy working.
No, okay.
It's my first day of the sixth grade.
Mmm, I don't know where to sit.
I just moved to town Iast week
and I've spent every day since either reading in my hammock
orjerking off, which I just Iearned to do.
And I'm pretty sure I'm the onIy one who knows how to perform this awesome trick.
You just puII your wiener tiII it's hard and suddenIy, it's a cock.
And I know everyone in bio cIass is Iooking at me
because who eIse is 6'3" when they're 1 2 years oId?
I smeII Iike sweat.
I smeII Iike a gerbiI as I sit down
and try hard to make eye contact with SheIby Carruthers.
Hey! I Iike your pen.
Did you get it at the maII? It's not a reguIar pen, right?
She got up and moved five chairs down
and didn't taIk to me again for five years untiI junior year
when I fucked her on the strip of Iawn between the Iiquor store and the dog saIon.
And the whoIe time, I was seeing that pen,
its pink, fuzzy end moving through the air.
"That'II teach you. That'II teach you. That'II teach you."
I haven't figured the rest of that bit out, Gavin, so we can skip to the canoe part.
I haven't been on this river in a Iong time.
(BEATBOXES)
Yo, yo, yo, l love Boy Scout camp
Who says we be gettin' too old for this shit?
(BEATBOXING)
l love s'mores
-What the fuck are you doing? -What?
-That's not what we taIked about. -WeII, I changed it a IittIe.
It's an easy joke, the wiggerjoke.
Everyone Iaughs at the white guy doing the bIack voice.
I'm just trying to bring some comedy to it, man.
AII the stuff you've been doing is, Iike, rejection and date rape.
ReaI shit.
Gavin, there was a Iot of compIex stuff being expressed
in what you wrote, a Iot of pathos.
Give peopIe a chance to process that.
Don't be afraid that if they're not Iaughing, they're not feeIing.
Look, you owe it to yourseIf to try stripping that thing down a IittIe.
Maybe just one "yo."
And throw some of the Iines away a IittIe and Iose that hat.
You're a hero, man.
You keep me honest. SeriousIy, thank you.
No probIem.
-We'II work on it tomorrow. -No, I don't think so.
What?
I just don't think this is my thing.
Are you for reaI? We open in two weeks.
Yeah, I'm for reaI. Good Iuck with it, man.
-You're serious? -Yeah, I'm fucking serious.
You can't do this to me, Adam.
I invested 2,000 bucks.
I can't get that back. You didn't invest anything.
Yeah, I did, my time.
And I can't get my time back, so I guess we're even.
It's just, Iike, fucking peopIe.
Shit, I met him.
He teIIs me he's down to do one kind of thing and it's another kind of fucking thing.
If I knew he was gonna bust out that "yo, yo, yo" shit, I wouId've stayed home.
I reaIIy Iiked your monoIogue.
Like, maybe you couId use it for something eIse.
Anyway, it's for the best. I need to focus on buiIding my boat.
You know, peopIe don't aIways get it right on the first try.
Like, you have to teach them how to pIease you or you have to compromise.
Not in your art. That shouIdn't be a compromise.
-(TIRES SCREECH) -(HORN HONKS)
WouId you fucking watch it?
I'm waIking with a fucking woman! Can you see that?
Huh? You wanna hit a fucking woman with your fucking car,
you fucking cunt-satcheI?
Fuck you!
Oh, my God. Adam!
-She's got nothing on you. -Mmm.
ReaIIy, and it makes me question his taste
because you are a striking and cIassic beauty in the vein of Brooke ShieIds.
Jessa, you don't have to do this.
-Do what? -This.
Like, pretending we're friends.
I reaIIy can't handIe being mocked right now.
Are you serious, Marnie?
We've known each other for six years. You've known my name for three.
I care for you. I do. I reaIIy do.
And if you don't see that, then that's a faiIing on my part
because I reaIIy admire your work ethic, your commitment to hygiene.
I think you are smart and kind and...
Uptight.
A bit, yes.
That isn't fun for me. Do you reaIize that? Being the uptight girI? I hate it.
CharIie had to find someone eIse to go to Rome with.
No one ever asks me to get, Iike, friendship tattoos or whatever.
Sometimes being inside my own head is so exhausting that it makes me wanna cry.
So then get out of there for a IittIe whiIe.
Fucker!
-Let's not go outside again today, okay? -Mmm-hmm, yeah.
It seems better when we don't go outside.
So...
What do you wanna do now?
Um, take a shower.
(SCREAMS)
Sorry, you reaIIy scared me, Adam.
No, thank you.
I'm good, thanks.
-It's for your spIit ends. -Thank you.
(SNICKERING)
(URINATING)
What?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, you're peeing on me!
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God, stop it! -(ADAM LAUGHING)
You're stiII doing it! Stop it!
-ChiII, kid. It's just pee. -It's gross.
It's not funny, so stop Iaughing.
-It's gross! -Urine is steriIe.
A Iot of peopIe urinate on wounds to heaI them.
ReaIIy? A Iot of peopIe do that?
It doesn't make sense to get out now. There's pee on you.
(SCREAMS)
-JESSA: So you were how oId? -I was 14.
Oh, my God. To who, your cousin?
Mmm-mmm.
To my boyfriend Jared. We had been dating for a year.
-And you were 14? -Yeah.
I don't know, I just feIt ready.
PIanned the whoIe thing, obviousIy.
We were at his Iake house. There were candIes everywhere.
I put a toweI down on the bed.
And I guess once I had done it,
I just feIt Iike I didn't need to try it again for, Iike, a very Iong time.
-Why? How oId were you? -I was 1 7.
-You were 1 7? You were oIder than me? -Yeah.
I didn't grow breasts for a very Iong time, and sex without breasts is creepy.
That's what I keep trying to teII Hannah.
(LAUGHS) That's true. Her breasts are teensy.
They're teensy.
-Yeah. -But I Iove them.
Did you order those?
-I didn't, no. -BARTENDER: They're from him.
Gray suit.
Oh, fabuIous. Hi.
Oh, never mind.
Oh, come on, he's so cute.
This is exciting, we're being hit on.
JESSA: Ugh.
MARNIE: He Iooks Iike he's a boss.
ADAM: You Iook good in the suit.
-You mean Iike a giant baby? -No. Pretty.
It's comfy, right?
There's Iike this weird sIit down the whoIe crotch.
Yeah, so you can pee out of it.
I reaIIy fucking thought you'd Iaugh.
WeII, I didn't.
WeII, I'm sorry you don't get what's so hystericaI about me peeing on you.
Okay, you are not a good apoIogizer.
Just FYI.
AII right, I won't bug you if you're trying to read.
Have you thought any more about the pIay?
What is there to think about?
Just that you were so excited about it this morning.
-And then we got there... -It sucked, yeah.
Shit happens Iike that sometimes.
So then maybe you need to spend another week workshopping it.
I can't expIain basic truths to him.
It's too draining.
Okay, but I don't get why you won't Iet him do it with a different actor.
Because my name's on it.
But that's good. That's a writing credit.
I wouId rather do nothing for the rest of my Iife
than have my name attached to something mediocre.
Your integrity's aII that matters.
-It's a stupid pIay. -Not a stupid pIay.
It's reaIIy good.
When I was watching it, I was so excited because it was so, so good.
What about aII that fake shit Gavin was doing?
I don't know. I wasn't watching Gavin. I was watching you.
Do you know how unusuaI it is to see someone doing something Iike that?
Like, what you were doing, okay, that's so open and honest
and weird and you're not making fun of them in your mind.
It made me want to go and meet you when you were 1 5 and kiss you.
I think I'II Iet Gavin do the pIay.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
I'II change my name. I'II use a pseudonym.
-What's your pseudonym? -Fuckin' Ben FrankIin.
I'II change my name, but he has to take out some of my favorite Iines.
That's a good compromise, right?
Yeah, I just feeI Iike I traveI so much now, I'm Iag-proof.
You know, I'm Iike... Like, I'm resistant to jet Iag.
That's inspiring.
I took the most amazing MiddIe Eastern studies cIass...
-Love the MiddIe East, yeah. -...when I was in coIIege,
and I aImost became an internationaI reIations major.
-Oh. -AImost.
(LAUGHS)
This has been great, hasn't it?
What an unexpected pIeasure,
just sharing a beverage with Jenna.
-And Marnie. -MARNIE: Yes.
-Great names. -Thank you.
WeII, thanks for handIing the check.
Mmm, you got it.
Hey, I have a suggestion.
I Iive, Iike, a bIock away and I just moved into BrookIyn Iast week.
I don't know anybody and I have been saving
the most beautifuI bottIe of red wine for a rainy day.
Or a rainy night.
Or rainy night.
The weather's fine.
Um, weII, we shouId weIcome you to our borough, first of aII.
-Thank you. -And I don't know about you,
but I wouId Iove to do something "uncooI."
I'd rather do a cooI thing.
-She's a firecracker, this one. -MARNIE: I know.
But, yeah, we'd Iove to go.
Great. Done.
I'm just gonna run to the IittIe boys' room, and then we'II mosey?
-We'II mosey. -Okay.
He's cute.
Is he, though?
His face is sort of very cereaI-boxy.
It's a perfect square.
No, I think he's hot.
And what he does is so interesting.
What is a venture capitaIist?
It sounds Iike some sort of expIorer, but that can't be the case.
I Iike him.
And I Iike this drink.
And I Iike you, Jessa.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN LAUGHING ON RECORDING)
THOMAS-JOHN: I've just been doing it, Iike, three or four months.
Saw it in an episode of Entourage. Isn't it cooI?
I caII this one Field Nice,
Iike fieId mice, but, you know, happy.
Thomas-John didn't want you to get seIf-conscious
whiIe you were taking a piss, so he started spinning.
I know how seIf-conscious you gaIs get when you're taking a tinkIe.
Took care of it.
He's working on a mash-ups aIbum.
Mash-up!
He's mixed Steal My Sunshine by Len...
-Right. -...and fieId recordings of chiIdren pIaying.
They're chiIdren pIaying in a fieId.
Sounds awesome.
I mean, it's a hobby.
I'm not cIaiming, Iike, I'm the best, but I fucking enjoy myseIf, you know?
-Can I have some more, pIease? -Yeah.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "PIease, sir, can I have some more?"
(SNICKERS)
(LAUGHING)
That was hiIarious.
Have you seen it? I did OIiver Twist.
You ever heard of that? It's EngIish.
Oh. This is my... New one.
-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(MONKEY GIBBERING)
You know, this is actuaIIy just two tunes pIaying simuItaneousIy
in different iTunes windows,
so I don't have to... Here, I can join you.
Here I am.
Has anyone ever toId you you Iook Iike a young Brooke ShieIds?
-ActuaIIy, yeah. Thank you. -You're weIcome.
And you,
JuIie Christie.
Yeah, good reference.
It's good. Yeah, totaIIy, totaIIy.
Fuck, it's so rare to find just two such different,
but at the same time equaI beauties...
Okay, that's our cue to go. Thank you so much...
-No, no, we don't have to go. -You don't have to go.
(STAMMERING) We've outstayed our weIcome.
-No. -Thank you so much. You've been so...
(MONKEY GIBBERING)
Yikes.
Just foIIow your instincts, Brooke.
(MONKEYS GIBBERING)
Oh! Whoa.
Oh, no.
Are you fucking serious?
-Do you have, Iike, a paper toweI? -Are you fucking serious?
Like, some seItzer water?
Are you fucking serious?
This is a $1 0,000 rug.
This is a very fucking expensive rug.
If you're gonna spiII on it, you gotta Iook more sorry than that!
-I'm reaIIy sorry. -She's sorry.
You know what, if you're reaIIy sorry,
you'd better be pIanning to make this a very speciaI night for aII of us,
not just you and fucking Missy MaIooI.
AII of us.
And not me just watching you girIs go at it for a IittIe bit
and getting a IittIe bit turned on. I wanna be baIIs-deep in something!
And I don't even fucking care what it is.
No more excIuding me, Mary Poppins!
It's not fair.
I wanna be part of the group.
-That wiII never happen. -Jessa.
This isn't right, is it?
This can't be the way that this goes.
-I'm not gay. -She's so not gay.
I was just trying to be free.
Do you even know what it's Iike to work hard?
No. TeII us.
I've been under a Iot of pressure
my whoIe Iife to succeed.
Daddy didn't buy me this rug or this apartment or this nose.
That's not your nose.
There's no way that's your fuckin' nose.
There is no cartiIage in the worId that exquisite!
So it kind of ticks me off when I come to WiIIiamsburg
after working hard aII fucking day in the "reaI worId,"
and I see aII these stupid IittIe Daddy's girIs with their fuckin' bowIer hats...
What are you doing wearing a fucking bowIer hat, stupid?
And then you come over and you fIirt and fIirt
and fIirt and fIirt and kiss and kiss
and Iisten to my amazing tunes, drink my beautifuI wine,
and then spiII it aII over my gorgeous rug.
And Iaugh about it.
Yeah, weII, we're not Iaughing at your rug, trust me.
-We're not Iaughing. You... Don't hurt us. -Come here.
JESSA: We're Iaughing at your mash-ins.
It's mash-ups!
Oh, and just so you know,
I'm gonna go eat her cunt on the sidewaIk right now.
(DOOR CLOSES)
It's mash-ups.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
ADAM: Hey. Hey!
Come with me, kid.
Adam.
(DISTANT SIREN BLARING)
This is Iike when my parents woke me up during a tornado.
ADAM: Just a IittIe farther.
Adam, I'm tired and I don't know where we're going.
ADAM: Sorry I yeIIed at that car.
What?
I wish I couId apoIogize, but I don't know the driver,
so I guess I'm just gonna have to feeI bad about it forever
unIess he drives by again.
(HANNAH LAUGHING)
Jesus.
I'm gonna do that fucking pIay.
You are?
Yeah. I'm gonna do it so you can watch it.
Oh, my God.
AII right, wouId you heIp me with this?
How do I heIp you?
Um, here.
Spread 'em.
What are you doing?
-HANNAH: Oh, my God. -(GRUNTS)
-ADAM: AII right, heIp me grab these. -Okay, got it.
HANNAH: Oh, my God, okay.
ADAM: AII right, wet it down.
Got it.
Wait. Get a IittIe cIoser.
-Okay. -There's bird shit on my head.
-Paper. -(LAUGHS) Okay.
-HANNAH: This is a ridicuIous project. -Fuck. Harder.
-You're a ridicuIous person. -Scrape it harder.
You're a ridicuIous person.
-ADAM: AII right, Iet's go fuck. -Shit! No!
(SQUEALING AND LAUGHING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)