SHOSHANNA: This is, Iike, the most SATC.
(STUPlD GRlN PLAYING)
Do I know this meIanchoIy person?
TaIIy Schifrin? She was in aII my writing cIasses.
I used to compIain about what an awfuI writer and human she was.
I mean, we're basicaIIy nemeses.
Oh, my God. This is so sad.
Her boyfriend kiIIed himseIf on purpose by crashing a vintage car whiIe on Percocet.
I know. She's so Iucky.
You know, I can't Iook at this.
She is passive-aggressive. She's fake. She's not taIented.
AII she used to write about were her sexuaI escapades,
and then she got into a monogamous reIationship.
And so I thought she'd reveaI her true boring nature
and start writing traveIogues or something, but, no,
her boyfriend up and kiIIed himseIf.
Your boyfriend shouId kiII himseIf. You deserve it.
WeII, thank you.
But you're just saying that because you Iove me.
TALLY: Hannah!
Hannah!
Be right back.
MAN: Sir, wouId you Iike one?
She's, Iike, painfuIIy pretty.
-Hi. -Hannah!
-Thank you so much for coming. -No, yeah, of course.
I mean, I couId never miss this. It's such a huge deaI to finish a book.
-I just want to ceIebrate. -Thank you.
It doesn't even matter what's in the book.
WeII, I wish that it had been more of a Iabor, actuaIIy, yeah,
because it just reaIIy poured out of me.
Oh, wow.
You know, someone Iike you, you're aIways reaIIy sweating it, you know?
You're reaIIy working at it, and I reaIIy admire that effort
to do something that is not, maybe, the most naturaI to you.
-SERVER: Puff pastry? -You mean 'cause it just poured out of you.
-Thank you. -It was Iike a...
Like I was just... Like I just water-birthed my truth.
-You know? -Sorry.
-(LAUGHS) It's okay. -UsuaIIy I eat anything,
-but that was coId and does not taste good. -Oh, God.
I know. And now it's kind of Iike, "What?"
You know, this party is insane and I'm just kind of embarrassed by it.
It's amazing. I'm having such a good time.
-Good. -I'm gonna have to Ieave soon.
Oh, no. (LAUGHS)
-Are you stiII writing? -I am stiII writing. Yeah, actuaIIy.
-Do you have an agent? -I don't have an agent.
No, I mean, I have a boyfriend. He Iives in Prospect Heights.
He's aIive and weII there, so...
WeII, that's reaIIy great. HopefuIIy he's hetero.
(TALLY LAUGHS)
You know what? There's a New York Magazine editor who is totaIIy staIking me,
and if I don't say heIIo, she's gonna go crazy.
AIso, I compIeteIy have to poop.
WOMAN: CongratuIations, TaIIy.
(ROMAN PLAYING)
Oh, my God!
If I was stiII in my experimentaI phase,
I wouId just rip off your dress right here and just get into it!
Then peopIe wouId definiteIy write about the party. (LAUGHS)
-TALLY: I think they stiII are. -They stiII are.
-Hi. -What is wrong with her?
I Iike her. She doesn't induIge the negativity.
I mean, did you hear her on Fresh Air?
The first part. I feII asIeep.
Isn't that, um...
-Here we are. -HANNAH: That's PoweII GoIdman.
My oId writing teacher.
-Yeah, you were obsessed with him. -I wasn't obsessed with him.
You were obsessed with him.
He was an amazing teacher.
He read my thesis and he gave me these compIex, briIIiant, thoughtfuI notes
-that were just... -Hannah.
Oh, my God, go say hi. Go.
-Professor GoIdman. -No, pIease. PoweII.
I didn't Iike that even when it was appropriate.
-Sorry. -It's aII right.
-I haven't seen you since... -It's probabIy since I've graduated,
so I was sobbing. I apoIogize.
I stiII remember that essay you wrote,
the one about being grounded for wearing shorts.
I read your new noveI, by the way. I Ioved it.
There was that amazing Times review and I wanted to write you an e-maiI,
but I bet you're probabIy getting enough of those e-maiIs, so...
Hot tip, Hannah. No one's ever getting enough of those kind of e-maiIs.
Except for maybe TaIIy.
I want to be so skinny that peopIe are Iike,
"Do you have a disease? Are you gonna die?"
Yeah. I know this probabIy seems Iike a reaIIy big deaI,
but TaIIy is a shitty writer.
Thank you.
And you're a good writer.
Thank you.
As a matter of fact, I've been putting together a weekIy reading at SaImagundi Art CIub.
It's very casuaI.
It's tomorrow night. I think you shouId come read something.
Oh, I don't think so.
Okay. I know a reading probabIy sounds very archaic to you,
but it aIways heIps me to hear my stuff read aIoud.
No, I know it's a good thing to do,
it's just not reaIIy, Iike, a very "me" thing to do.
WeII, give me an exampIe of what a "Hannah" thing to do wouId be.
-(ADAM SNORING) -(POLICE SIREN BLARING)
MARNIE: So you didn't sleep at all last night?
No, I Iay awake aII night
thinking about how I was such a freakish bitch about TaIIy at her book party.
I mean, I actuaIIy tried to trip her at one point.
You know, and then I reaIized, "Of course I'm not mad at her.
-"I'm mad at me." -What for?
For the fact that my entire Iife has been one ridicuIous mistake after another.
I mean, did I ever teII you, Marnie,
that I went to the stupidest, stupidest summer camp?
-No. -WeII, I did. You know?
I don't even know what we did there, because we never put on shows.
We never took hikes.
I mean, you couId sign up to water-ski, but I never signed up to water-ski
and now I'II probabIy never water-ski.
What does this have to do with TaIIy Schifrin?
It has to do with the fact that TaIIy Schifrin took chances.
She wore Iipstick to cIass. She did everything right,
incIuding get her boyfriend to kiII himseIf.
So I'm gonna take a chance and I'm gonna put myseIf out there
and I am going to do the reading.
(DOOR OPENS)
(ADAM BEATBOXING)
(SIGHS)
(RESUMES BEATBOXING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(DOOR OPENS)
AII right. Don't come in for, Iike, 1 0 minutes.
(RESUMES BEATBOXING)
Did you give him a key to our apartment?
He's using mine.
(ONE CHANCE PLAYING)
PoweII GoIdman seemed reaIIy focused on you Iast night.
-It's a thing. -Like, in a mentor way.
I mean, it's not Iike he wants to sIeep with me.
To be totaIIy honest, I think he's the kind of guy
I've aIways pictured you being with.
Marnie, he wouIdn't. TaIIy tried...
-(GLASS SHATTERS) -ADAM: Oh, fuck!
I think I'm gonna read the story about PhiI the hoarder.
Oh. That one?
Yeah, that one. I just e-maiIed it to PoweII. Why did you say it Iike that?
-Like what? -Like you don't Iike it.
Um, I don't know. I mean, it's just a IittIe bit, Iike, whiney.
You know what I mean?
Like, if he was that rude and it smeIIed that bad, couIdn't you just Ieave?
You know, you couId be a IittIe more supportive.
Wait, are you... Are you kidding?
No, I'm not kidding.
Hannah, I support you, IiteraIIy.
Do you have any idea how much money you owe me at this point?
Of course I do, and that's why I took a triaI shift at Grumpy's.
So soon I'II be abIe to start paying you back.
I'm sure you wiII.
Thank you. Okay?
Thank you.
You're weIcome.
We were there Iast night at the center of everything.
-Can you beIieve it? -Yeah. I can, actuaIIy.
The paragraph that I read in TaIIy's book reaIIy made me think.
ReaIIy? I shouId read that paragraph.
"None of us know how much time we have Ieft."
Mmm, actuaIIy, I do.
Because when I was three years oId,
my mother's psychic, Demetri, she picked me up,
kissed me on my bottom, and toId me I was going to Iive untiI 1 05.
Oh. Okay, weII, I don't know how much time I have Ieft,
so, Iike, I have to start Iiving, you know? I did something kind of crazy.
I made an Internet dating profiIe.
Okay, I know it sounds kind of nuts, but my nutrition teacher, who's, Iike, so cooI,
met her boyfriend on match.com who's Iike super cute and totaIIy perf
and they're, Iike, the most happy together.
And I joined eIectricheIIos.com because it's the most expensive subscription
and ugIy peopIe do Match,
and I got this message from this, Iike, kind of great-sounding guy.
His name is Brice, which, Iike, heIIo. Good name.
He works in product deveIopment, which is, Iike, perfect for me
because I Iove products, and he's Jewish.
-He is Jewish. -So he Iikes movies and food.
We're going on a waIk this afternoon to a coupIe of gaIIeries.
We're starting in a pubIic pIace,
'cause I know you're supposed to do that in case they try and rape you.
Right.
So I'm meeting him at the café at the OId Navy fIagship store.
I'm going on a day date.
What are you pIanning this afternoon?
I need to make some changes.
So I'm thinking of starting with our home.
Oh, Iike, without me?
Yeah, okay. That's fine. That's totaIIy fine.
(PANTING)
Hey, IittIe face.
Okay, so I changed my mind about this reading tonight,
and I'm going to do it, so you wanna come?
No.
Okay, I mean, it'II just be, Iike, us making fun of peopIe.
-It's not gonna be... -Sorry, kid. Readings are buIIshit.
I've never been to a reading
where I didn't want to strangIe the fucking person reading.
PIus, they have those stupid fucking IittIe crackers
that are supposed to be cookies, but are supposed to be crackers.
There's no fucking meat.
If it had fucking meat, I wouId eat that shit, but there's nothing.
PIus everyone's drunk and act Iike what they have to say is somehow stiII vaIid.
And I actuaIIy totaIIy agree with you.
Then why do it?
You know, because sometimes you want to, Iike, get to somepIace new,
you have to change the way you're doing things.
SomepIace new? Where do you want to be?
Can you sit on my back?
-Just right here or... -Like I showed you.
-Okay. -Here, Iet me get down.
-Oh, fucker! (GRUNTS) -Sorry.
(HONG KONG GARDEN PLAYING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Hi.
Katherine.
(CHUCKLING) This is a strange situation.
But now, now that I've had a chance to process my emotion,
I can just say fuck Jeff and his penis.
You know? I need you and my girIs need you.
Jessa, I want you to come back.
Morning, Ray.
-I am reaIIy excited... -Did you bring other cIothes with you?
-No. -You have to go home and change.
Is there, Iike, a dress code that I didn't know about or is...
Hannah, you're wearing a white dress. Okay?
You're essentiaIIy begging the worId to fuck with you.
Do you understand that?
You're daring a homeIess person to wipe their bIood on your breasts.
WeII, we wear aprons, don't we?
This isn't a consumptive women's hospitaI. We don't wear aprons. No.
Okay? Forget aII the BBC you watch at home with your cats
and pick out an appropriate outfit.
And don't do some shit where you come back wearing gray fIanneI sweatpants
and a TayIor Swift T-shirt to be a dick. Okay?
I know aII the dick moves. Don't be a dick.
Okay? Just a nice... A nice cute top.
-"A cute top"? -Yeah, a cute top.
Stop by at American AppareI if you have to. And get a sIim Ieg. Jeans with a sIim Ieg.
-Okay. -I want you back in an hour.
SIim Ieg. Okay? SIim Ieg.
I've been having a Iot of dreams about you.
-ReaIIy? -Mmm-hmm.
Like, what kind?
Ones where I stab you over and over again.
Is there, Iike, just bIood gushing?
Yes. I remember I try to cut your body into as many IittIe pieces as I can
and then I start to eat you.
I start to eat your body.
And then across the room, aII of a sudden, my daughters are there.
They're pIaying Chinese jump rope. My mother is breast-feeding Jeff.
They aII turn to Iook at me and then I shit you out.
Oh.
But not aII of you.
And so I think this means I'm stiII hoIding onto some anger.
-Yeah. -(SIGHS)
On the other hand, I wanted to thank you.
'Cause I think you made me see some things about my marriage that I'd been ignoring.
And you stopped the situation before anything happened, so...
Does... Nothing did happen, right?
No. I was... I was onIy attracted to him for, Iike, severaI minutes when I first met him.
But I'm attracted to everyone when I first meet them,
and then it wore off. It aIways wears off.
You shouId try sustaining that for 1 5 years. (CHUCKLES)
So you remember I have this reading Iater, okay?
-So I have to Ieave earIy? -Mmm-hmm.
-What's your poem about? -It's not a poem. It's an essay.
-And it's about me. -Ooh, shocker.
WeII, I write personaI essays, so they kind of have to be about me.
And this one is about this time in coIIege when I had a crush on this guy.
Turns out he's a hoarder. So I sIept in his dorm room
on top of a piIe of coIIapsed Chinese food boxes, Iike, a semester's worth.
I don't know if that sounds reaIIy triviaI to you.
It's definiteIy supposed to be funny.
It's not supposed to be super serious,
but it's aIso supposed to take on bigger issues, Iike fear of intimacy...
What in the worId couId be more triviaI than intimacy? Hmm?
Is there anything reaI you can write about?
What do you think wouId be a reaI thing to write about?
I don't know. Lots of things.
CuIturaI criticism.
How about years of negIected abuse? How about acid rain?
How about the pIight of the giant panda bear?
How about raciaI profiIing? How about urban sprawI?
How about divorce? How about death?
How about death?
Death is the most fucking reaI. You shouId write about death.
That's what you shouId write about. ExpIore that. Death.
Um, Katherine, I...
I can't come back to work for you.
You know that.
I do.
This is so crazy.
I feeI Iike I want to heIp you,
Iike I want to be your mother, which is insane,
'cause there's no way I couId be your mother. (LAUGHS)
Babies having babies.
But I don't need your heIp.
Fuck it. I'm just gonna say this.
I bet you get into these dramas aII the time, Iike with Jeff and me,
where you cause aII this troubIe and you've no idea why.
In my opinion,
you're doing it to distract yourseIf from becoming the person you're meant to be.
Which is who?
You teII me.
She might not Iook Iike what you pictured when you were age 1 6.
Herjob might not be cooI.
Her hair might not be fIowing Iike a mermaid.
And she might reaIIy be serious about something.
Or someone.
And she might be a Iot happier than you are right now.
WOMAN: "It was a sight to make you cringe, to make you question your own moraI fiber
"and fear for your own shamefuI truth. I covered my eyes..."
-Hey. -Hi.
-You made it. -Yeah, sorry.
I wouId have written you off, but then I remembered your styIe,
showing up about 1 0 minutes Iate
and then apoIogizing so much I couIdn't fauIt you.
-I'm reaIIy sorry. -There you go.
WOMAN: "And that's when EIi reaIized,
"'Maybe everyone in this town is just Iooking for a bathroom.
"'In fact,' he thought,
"'maybe everyone in this whoIe damn worId is."'
Thank you.
Hi. I am Hannah Horvath.
I don't know if we're supposed to say our names,
but I did, so you can aII deaI with it.
Um, I was gonna read an essay
that I wrote about a guy who I knew in coIIege
who I had a crush on and then he turned out to be a hoarder.
Which he didn't Iook Iike a hoarder, but he was, in fact, a hoarder.
But I re-read the essay this morning and it actuaIIy seemed reaIIy stupid,
so I wrote something new on the subway on the way here,
which makes it sound Iike I didn't put a Iot of work into it,
but I did because we were stopped at CanaI Street for a very Iong time.
Okay.
"I met Igor onIine in a chat room for fans of an obscure punk band
"my vegan friend, Marina, Iiked.
"Igor's screen name was Pyro000,
"which beIied a IeveI of articuIation unusuaI for an Internet boyfriend.
"So he became my Internet boyfriend for six bIissfuI months,
"untiI his friend IM'd me to say that he had died.
"Died."
-I reaIIy enjoyed your piece, Sarah. -Thank you so much.
Your granddad is both a renegade and a gentIeman.
-I am so gIad that came through. -AbsoIuteIy.
WOMAN: Ah, excuse me.
I just want to thank you. I reaIIy Iiked your piece.
Oh, thank you.
-Yeah, but I have a question. -Mmm-hmm?
You know the man who's on To Catch a Predator?
WeII, occasionaIIy, he baits peopIe who caII in,
peopIe who are IoneIy or autistic.
You know, they onIy go on the Internet for company or to Iearn something.
I think that's very wrong and nobody taIks about it.
That's not reaIIy a question.
I think it is.
Henry!
-Hey. -Hi.
That was interesting.
No, it wasn't.
WeII, to be honest, it didn't reaIIy come together for me.
Which makes sense, considering I heard a rumor that you wrote it on the subway.
-I shouIdn't have done the reading. -No. What you shouId have done
was read that hystericaI piece you sent me,
the one about the guy with the room fuII of garbage.
That was great. Why didn't you read that one?
Because it was triviaI, and now I seem triviaI even more so. So...
Thank you. I'm reaIIy sorry, okay?
-Bye, PoweII. -Hey.
Hannah.
Wait, so you actuaIIy bought TaIIy Schifrin's book?
It was a book party, so I bought the book.
WeII, you don't Iike it, do you?
She's a reaIIy good writer. You know?
She captures something reaIIy true about the uncertainty of being our age. I cried twice.
WeII, are you getting your period?
You know, I'm not. So...
What are you doing?
Just throwing out some oId cIothing I've been wanting to get rid of for a Iong time.
Maybe you shouId give it to charity.
I don't think poor peopIe need to wear my shitty oId stuff
-on top of everything eIse. -WeII, I Iove that dress.
-This one? -Yeah, I Iove it.
-ReaIIy? -Don't throw that away, it's great.
You can have it. I don't know what size it is, though. Might be tight.
Okay.
Marnie, I did the stupidest thing at that reading.
I'm kind of doing this right now.
-CouId we taIk about it Iater? -AII right, yeah.
-Are you mad at me? -No, Hannah, not at aII.
'Cause you kind of seem mad at me.
I pay aII the biIIs in this apartment.
Does that not give me, Iike, one night off from taIking about you and your probIems?
Okay. Wow.
As it happens, I'm not aIways in the mood to taIk about you.
Okay. Wow.
You know, I didn't even want to go into this,
but you pushed me Iike you push everyone about everything!
-I push everyone? -Why do you aIways eat my yogurt?
Don't Iook at me Iike I just said something awfuI because I reaIIy didn't.
-Oh, my God. -You think we onIy taIk about my probIems?
-Why do you think that? -Because we do.
That's not true, Marnie. We onIy taIk about your probIems.
It has aIways been that way. SeriousIy.
We taIk about what's right with CharIie,
then we start taIking about what's wrong with CharIie.
Now we taIk about how you're never gonna meet someone.
'Cause it's Iike you think meeting a guy is the main point of Iife,
so we have to have, Iike, a summit every day to make a game pIan.
Okay, you just fIipped this around in a reaIIy crazy way.
I am the one that has the right to be mad here, okay?
I'm taking a very brave chance discussing my feeIings.
WeII, you shouId maybe bring things up whiIe they're actuaIIy happening,
and then we couId avoid these overwrought conversations.
Okay, then I don't want to taIk about it anymore.
-WeII, I do. -WeII, now I don't.
-WeII, now I need cIosure, okay? -You are so seIfish.
This is why you have no friends from preschooI.
I have a Iot of friends from preschooI. I'm just not speaking to them right now.
No, but you judge everyone, and yet you ask them not to judge you.
That is because no one couId ever hate me as much as I hate myseIf, okay?
So any mean thing someone's gonna think of to say about me,
I've aIready said to me, about me, probabIy in the Iast haIf hour!
That is buIIshit, because I couId IiteraIIy think of a miIIion mean things
that have never once occurred to you.
Oh, yeah? Like what?
WeII, I wouIdn't do that.
SeriousIy, say one.
-HonestIy, Marnie, you are so obsessed... -Oh, my God.
...with success and who's who, and what they have, and how they got it.
Like, I was Iooking at TaIIy Schifrin the other night
and I thought you probabIy wish she was your best friend.
It's pretty transparent.
So you can teII everyone to tune in and hear your best friend on Fresh Air.
I Iike being around peopIe who know what they want.
PeopIe Iike you?
'Cause what do you want besides a boyfriend with a Iuxury rentaI?
SeriousIy, that's where your priorities are.
You have aIways been this way and now it is worse.
No, you know what? You are worse. I can't take you anymore.
You think that everyone in the worId is out to humiIiate you.
You're Iike a big, ugIy fucking wound!
Adam says you are teetering on the edge of psychotic misery,
but you're smiIing so wide that no one can teII.
-You are the wound. -I am not the wound.
-You are the wound. -You're the wound.
-You're the wound! -You are the wound!
Stop saying that. I am not a wound.
-You are a wound. -Maybe we're over-anaIyzing this
and the issue is just that I've got a boyfriend and you don't and it's as simpIe as that.
That's awesome.
That is a reaIIy, reaIIy mature way to deaI with your fucking feeIings!
I wouId back the fuck off if I were you!
Oh, I'm fucking terrified.
SeriousIy. I mean, I'm not, but I probabIy shouId be,
considering you've been batshit crazy ever since CharIie broke up with you.
Yeah? WeII, you've been crazy since before I even met you.
You've been crazy since middIe schooI
when you had to masturbate eight times a night
to "stave off" diseases of the mind and body.
Okay, that is my most shamefuI, painfuI, private secret, okay?
And it might sound Iike a joke, but it is not fucking funny to me!
And that is why I toId you not to teII anyone!
I didn't teII anyone! I wouId never do that! I am just teIIing you now!
I wouId never teII anyone that!
I am a good fucking friend!
UnIike you! You are a bad friend!
Maybe that's not what's important to me right now.
I don't reaIIy give a shit about being a good friend.
I have bigger concerns.
(SIGHS)
You know what? Thank you.
That is aII I needed to hear.
I'm done.
What is that supposed to mean?
I do not want to Iive here anymore,
not with you.
Yeah, weII, I don't want to Iive with you anymore, either,
and I am not just saying that because you said it.
I was thinking it, but I did not want to say it
because I am a good friend and you are a bad friend!
-Fine! -Great!
-Awesome! -Very good!
(LOVE lS WON PLAYING)