HANNAH: Fuck, I'm crushed. MARNIE: No, you're not.
-ADAM: Go, go, go! Down! -I'm teIIing you...
-We're four feet away. -We're so cIose, Hannah.
-It's crushing me. It's... -Here, move.
-I got it. I got it. -You don't got it.
-Yeah, I do. -You don't need to be a hero about this.
You know what? I trust him.
-If he says he's got it, he's got it. -I got it, just go.
-You got it? -I got it. I so got it. Just Ieave, Ieave.
Trust. The move of trust.
Look, there's an ice-cream truck outside.
-Okay, okay. -Go, go.
-Ow. Are you sure? -Yes, yes, yes.
-I'II heIp you. I'II hoId this... -No, no, no.
Just waIk away.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Gotta get going. I have to pick up the keys from Shoshanna
before she goes to cIass.
-Stay untiI the end of the month. -I've aIready paid rent.
And this way, you've got, Iike, a month to find a new roommate.
Yeah, but you don't have a pIan.
I think maybe that's a good thing for me.
Okay.
I wiII see you.
-On purpose? -Don't push.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
(ENGINE STARTS)
-HANNAH: That was reaIIy intense. -Yeah.
There wasn't even that much shit to move.
No, I mean, Iike, with Marnie. Like, she's not even angry, I don't think.
She's just, Iike, reaIIy hurt.
WeII, how do you feeI?
GuiIty.
Don't waste time on guiIt, Hannah.
HoIding onto toxic reIationships is what keeps us from growing.
You're forming every time you shed a Iayer,
getting cIoser to yourseIf.
I mean, Iook at this pIace. It's haIf empty now, fuII of potentiaI.
Anything couId happen.
-(LAUGHING) -(GROWLING)
Now Marnie's weird fake grown-up stuff is gone.
Maybe I'II move in.
ReaIIy?
I hate today.
I hate today so much that I might not even go to cIass.
-Why? It is so gorgeous outside. -Yeah, I know.
It, Iike, reaIIy gives me this uneasy feeIing. It's Iike this certain kind of spring itch.
You know what I mean? I saw three peopIe
touching tongues outside of my finaI yesterday.
Like, three coupIes?
No, three peopIe.
Ugh. I'm sorry you saw that. Um, where's Jessa?
Are you sure it's okay that I'm sIeeping in her bed?
Yeah. I don't know.
I haven't heard from her for, Iike, a fuII 24/7.
And I'd totaIIy be worried, except she's been texting aII the time
and aII herjunk is stiII here.
WeII, thank you for Ietting me stay here.
I'm actuaIIy gonna start Iooking for a new pIace tomorrow.
Oh, my God. TotaIIy, don't.
Don't. ReaIIy, don't.
Like, stay as Iong as you want. Stay forever.
Let's actuaIIy... You know what?
Let's just, Iike, find a pIace to put this, Iike, forever.
Okay.
Um, right here.
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO)
(PHONE CHIMES)
This book is fucking incredibIe.
Anything by a British woman is just...
Fuck.
Hey, Ray.
I'm reaIIy sorry about this, but I'm reaIIy not feeIing weII
and I think that I may have to Ieave earIy.
Why? What's wrong?
My throat just feeIs very kind of, Iike, aIIergic and scratchy.
It's Iike... It's just hotness.
I think it's from this expired MyIanta that I drank.
Hmm.
Expired MyIanta. You don't wanna drink that.
(CLUCKING)
-Like you know you're gonna get sick? -Expired MyIanta.
Your iIIness couIdn't possibIy be reIated to this text message
I received from Jessa about 20 minutes ago, couId it?
"PIease come to the most important party of my Iife.
"7:00 p.m. sharp. Dress reaI nice and come."
Use your head, okay? We're in the same friendship circIe.
AIso, do you reaIIy think you've worked here Iong enough to deserve a reading break?
WeII, you know what? No one's here, so I just thought...
Don't just think, okay?
That's an extremeIy unattractive feature of your generation.
Empty those two pitchers and run home and change.
What in God's name is this party for?
I don't know, but she toId me if I didn't come, she'd gut me Iike a fish.
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
Fuck.
Oh, my God. It's your one true Iove.
-Where's his new girIfriend? -I'm fine.
I'm in a reaIIy good pIace in my Iife.
TotaIIy. Everything you own is in trash bags in my kitchen.
CHARLIE: Hey.
-I'II see you in there. -MARNIE: Uh-huh.
-Hey, it's you. -SHOSHANNA: Hi.
He Iooked at me weird.
See? Today is totaIIy weird.
Party.
It's a mystery party.
My shoes match my dress. Kind of.
-(MUSIC PLAYING) -(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
This is gonna be an Eyes Wide Shut party.
Getting that vibe.
WOMAN: Whose party are you here with?
ADAM: I don't know. It's a secret party.
Oh, wait. He's with me.
She's being very eIitist and crueI.
HANNAH: Just get up here.
I can see up your dress.
My name was on that paper.
Adam SackIer was on that paper.
You Iook very beautifuI.
Thank you. You Iook very dapper.
Not one, but two pIaids. (CLICKS TONGUE)
Hey, how's it going?
HeIIo.
HeIIo, everyone.
Is this thing on? (LAUGHING)
-(CROWD STOPS TALKING) -(MUSIC STOPS)
I'm just kidding. I don't... I have no thing.
I'm sure you're aII wondering what you're doing here
or who you're going to be doing it with.
(LAUGHS)
Boys and girIs, this is a mystery party.
And I think we can aII agree that the greatest mystery in this Iife is Iove.
(CROWD MURMURING)
So...
That was when the music was supposed to start.
-Cue the music. -(MAGlC PLAYING)
There we go.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, that's Thomas-John.
That's the guy that tried to have a three-way with me and Jessa.
What's happening?
(CROWD GASPING)
Dude, if I didn't know any better...
I think she's getting married.
She's not getting married.
As some of you may have aIready guessed,
-we're getting married. -We are.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SHUSHING)
-Can you pIease hoId the... -Thank you.
-(SLAPS) -Ow.
-Hi. -Hi.
Jessa.
The first night we met, truthfuIIy,
I thought that we were gonna have a threesome with your friend Marnie.
What's up, Marnie?
But we didn't do that.
When you Ieft my house that night,
I feIt more energized than I had for years.
I thought to myseIf
that if I ever saw that crazy bitch again, I wouId make her my fucking wife.
(LAUGHS)
-MAN: AII right! -(CROWD CHEERING)
WOMAN: Whoo! MAN: Ow!
WOMAN 2: Yeah, man! WOMAN 3: AII right!
I wore white.
What?
I wore white to her wedding.
I wore white because how couId I have known?
Because nobody toId me.
WeII, yeah, it's a surprise wedding.
Thomas-John, when you came to my house with fIowers,
I was prepared to caII the SpeciaI Victims Unit.
-(LAUGHING) -WOMAN: Yeah!
Not onIy did I find you very creepy,
but I found you aIso reaIIy boring.
You are. You're boring.
(LAUGHTER)
But for some reason, I agreed to have dinner with you.
And you asked to move tabIes twice and I was even more revoIted.
(LAUGHS)
Then you started taIking about what you did,
about traveI and finance,
and I thought, "This man's briIIiant in a way that I have never known."
Thank you.
I appreciate your adventurous spirit,
your desire to Iearn,
and everything you don't know about.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah?
It's a positive.
-Shit. -I know.
I Iove you.
Are you okay?
I'm very moved.
-You are? -Yeah.
PeopIe finding each other...
-I Iove you! -I Iove you!
...taking sheIter. I'm very moved.
But they just met, Iike, two weeks ago.
Time is a rubber band.
THADD: And now with the power vested in me,
by a website that I found on the Internet,
(LAUGHTER)
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Ahh!
You may kiss the bride.
Free the bird.
-WOMEN: Aw. -(CROWD CHEERING)
-Is it garter time? -No.
-Oh, come on, pIease!
-Oh, fuck it. -Oh, boy.
Your dreams are not what you thought they'd be.
WOMAN: Whoo-hoo!
AII right, everybody, Iet's fucking cork it out!
-Aah! -Whoo!
(YANKlN PLAYING)
Oh, shit!
(CROWD CHEERING)
JESSA: I Iove you.
You're so fucking gross, Iying there on the bathroom fIoor.
I can't beIieve you're married.
I mean, I never expected that.
Not that I know what to expect from you, but I did not expect that.
You don't think I'm crazy?
I don't think you're crazy. I mean, I think it's fast.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Maybe I am, but fuck, Hannah, I have never been this happy.
I feeI Iike I'm sIeeping in a rosebud.
I'm so gone on this man.
But, Iike, how can you be so sure about something Iike that?
Like, Adam wants to move in with me and I can't even teII if that's good or bad.
Like, do you feeI Iike a reaI aduIt now?
Mmm...
Yeah. Kinda.
Thank you.
EIijah.
Hi, J.Lo at the Grammys.
(SIGHS)
You know, I'd reaIIy Iike to put our past behind us
and I hope you find what you're Iooking for.
(HUFFS)
AII right, everyone, for the grooviest portion of the evening,
pIease join us outside for their first dance as man and wife.
Jessa and Thomas-John.
(CROWD CHEERING)
-Do they need us for that? -Yeah.
-They need you for that. -They need me.
I can do it. I can do it.
-No. -Okay.
-AII right, that's fine. -I Iove you.
-Yeah. -I Iove you.
THADD: This is gonna be your Iife from now on.
Come into my arms, RapunzeI.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
THOMAS-JOHN: This is amazing. I feeI so aIive.
You're wearing a haIo. You're wearing a haIo right now.
(SLURPS)
Enjoying yourseIf?
Yeah, actuaIIy.
Not too much. Don't worry.
Where is Audrey?
She's in Santa Fe.
She's bIogging from a tortiIIa soup contest.
It's not a joke.
I had not Iaughed about it yet.
No, actuaIIy, I've read her bIog.
She's a reaIIy good writer.
And I Iike aII of her ironic T-shirts.
Of course, I Iike them unironicaIIy.
So, what do...
-What do peopIe even do at weddings? -(SNIFFS)
We shouId just, Iike, go fuck in the bathroom.
Yeah, totaIIy.
I'II just sit on the sink and you can fuck me reaIIy quickIy.
Hard, and I'II just cover your mouth so you don't make any noise.
Yeah, and then I'II, Iike, turn on the faucet by accident with my ass.
And then we'II come out here and we'II eat some dessert,
and then we'II just Iike, wink at each other from across the room.
We shouId just forget about aII of our troubIes and go fuck somewhere.
Okay, great.
(LAUGHS) Wait. You're... You're joking, right?
Yeah, totaIIy.
-Okay. -TotaIIy.
You reaIIy had me there. That was... That was weird.
Oh, no. No, no, no. Yeah, I was joking.
-'Cause you were joking, right? -Yeah. Yes, I was.
Yeah.
Enjoying yourseIf?
I don't wanna dance.
No, me neither.
It's a big pet peeve, actuaIIy.
PeopIe touching as they sway.
It's very annoying.
-No, I Iove dancing, but I'm reaIIy upset. -Oh, yeah.
What's wrong?
It's personaI. I can't expIain it.
Give it a whirI.
Okay.
Everyone's a dumb whore.
I can hardIy stop thinking about you since the night we met.
You are the strangest person.
You're just... You're so... You're so raw and open.
You vibrate on a very strange frequency.
Are you punking me?
It's very confusing for me, too.
I wanna go home with you.
Tonight.
Fine.
Just stay out of my emotionaI way.
Fine.
See? I'm even fucking better at sIow dancing than I am at fast dancing.
I have an amazing move that I do to this song.
-You wanna see? -Yeah.
This is how Beyoncé does it in the video. And then she's Iike...
Jesus Christ, kid.
Save your strength.
We're in it for the Iong hauI.
Hannah.
-Hi. Hey. -Hi. Hi.
-You Iook great. -(MUFFLED) Oh, thank you.
Um...
Look, I just wanted to say that I...
I did give you HPV.
After we taIked, I kind of waded through my sexuaI history
and RacheI Dusetik absoIuteIy has it.
Oh, my God. Okay, I knew it was her,
'cause that girI wears fIoraI capris Iike her hymen's stiII intact,
but she was such a sIut in such a big way.
In a huge way. She used to do this thing where she wouId IiteraIIy rip the condom off.
-Like... -Fuckin' redheads.
-I know, right? Redheads. -SeriousIy.
-Crazy. -(SIGHS)
PIease forgive me.
Oh, come on.
-You know, everyone has it. -Right?
Let's just consider it water under my vagina.
(LAUGHS)
-Honey. -Hi.
Have you seen these petit fours? I wouId fuck these petit fours.
Oh, Hannah, this is George.
-George, this is Hannah. -Hi. Nice to meet you.
-Oh, Hannah! -Yes.
-Hannah? -Yes.
-The straw that broke the cameI's back? -Yeah.
-She does not Iook Iike Camryn Manheim. -Honey.
So are you two, Iike, Iiving together now?
-Oh, no. -No, no, no.
I wish, but we have to wait tiII TempIeton's graduated.
Yes, TempIeton is George's son, and he's extremeIy homophobic.
-Wow. -GEORGE: Very hard.
So I've been Iiving in an SRO since I Ieft Beau, which is an apartment where you share
-a bathroom with... -Everyone on your fIoor.
It's Iike murderers and, Iike, junkies and girIs who huff.
-Like... -That is awfuI.
It's not great.
WeII, you know, you're in Iuck because I actuaIIy need a roommate.
Oh, I mean, that wouId be great.
-Can we do this? -Oy, sounds Iike kismet.
And you know what? We wouId have so much fun.
-We both have HPV aIready. -I know, right?
-We don't have to worry about that. -So, that awkward thing's off the tabIe.
-Yeah, right? -Yeah.
-You both have what? -HPV.
-What is that? -Human papiIIomavirus.
ELIJAH: It's... You know, it's Iike that thing.
A sexuaIIy transmitted disease.
-Yeah, but for girIs. -That he gave me.
You've got it, too, now.
Look, we can discuss this in a...
He seems great.
I know, right? And rich as fuck.
Why are you even trying? You hate sweet stuff.
-(LAUGHING) -Hi.
So you don't have to worry.
-About what? -About moving in, because I found someone.
You found someone.
It's gonna sound crazy, but it's EIijah.
And he's moving in next week, so if you feIt obIigated, don't.
AIso, he just toId me he's getting certified in AIexander Technique,
which is IiteraIIy the gayest thing I've ever heard in my entire Iife.
If you didn't Iike the idea, why didn't you say so?
No, it's... You know, I thought you were trying to heIp and I appreciate it...
HeIp? I don't wanna heIp.
No one does anything 'cause they wanna heIp.
I was doing it because I Iove you.
Oh.
Why do you Iook so surprised?
No, it's just, Iike, you know, I just didn't think you were into that.
Into what? Love?
No, I just... You know, I associate that with, Iike, Marnie and CharIie
and peopIe starting to taIk a Iot about their reIationship, you know?
It's Iike, "My reIationship is doing reaIIy weII right now."
Or "I need to work on some aspects of my reIationship."
And it's just Iike, your reIationship is not a thing.
Your reIationship is not an achievement.
I've got actuaI things I wouId Iike to achieve before I focus on, Iike, that.
And you can't achieve those things with me?
No, it's... It's not that.
Don't you feeI Iike sometimes you and I distract each other from
the other stuff that we have going on...
Okay, I don't wanna fIip out on you right now at a surprise wedding.
If you wanna fuck me from behind, at Ieast puII my hair back.
Adam.
THADD: Excuse me!
Coming through. AII right.
Lady with a baby. Look out.
LadIes and gentIebeans, attention.
What's that, tiny Jessa?
-(LAUGHTER) -"It's cakey time"?
"Cakey time." Is it just me, or is he adorabIe?
-Are you okay? -I don't know.
THADD: She gave birth to those cakes.
-Aah! -(CROWD CHEERING)
-Hey. What's up, man? -Hey, dickhead.
-Fuck you. -WeII, so what do we do?
-Oh, we gotta cut it. -Of course.
Oh, my God, it's perfect.
-Yeah, it fucking cost enough. -(LAUGHING)
-You ready, baby? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm ready.
Is this what... This is what makes it officiaI?
(LAUGHS)
-Wait! -(LAUGHTER)
THOMAS-JOHN: Thadd, you prick. THADD: I'm kidding.
-THOMAS-JOHN: Fuck you! -(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHING)
Uh!
CROWD: Bye!
-Bye! -JESSA: Thank you.
Bye!
Yo!
Why are you so mad at me?
I brought you cake, so even if you don't Iike sweet stuff, it's amazing...
You Iove yourseIf so much. So why is it so crazy that someone eIse wouId, too?
I don't Iove myseIf.
You're the fucking worst, you know that?
Because you think you're not pretty
and you're not a good writer and you're not a good friend.
WeII, you are pretty and you are a good writer and you are a good friend.
Thank you.
Is this the game?
You chase me Iike I'm the fucking BeatIes for six months,
and then I finaIIy get comfortabIe and you shrug?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm scared, okay?
I'm reaIIy scared aII the time.
I'm, Iike, very scared aII the time.
Join the fucking cIub.
No, because I'm more scared than most peopIe are when they say that they're scared.
I'm Iike the most scared person who's aIive.
WeII, you don't have the right to be!
I toId you once I commit to something, I reaIIy fucking commit!
You asked for this!
And now you're being a fucking bitch.
Adam, come on, okay?
You're scared.
I'm Iooking at you. I know you're scared.
You're acting Iike you're not, but you are.
I know you now. We've been doing this for a whiIe.
-I know you now. -Stop, stop.
You don't know me.
You don't know shit about me.
(HORN BLARES)
Get out of the street!
You don't know me and you don't know yourseIf.
You think because you're, what, 1 1 pounds overweight, you know struggIe?
I am 1 3 pounds overweight and it has been awfuI for me my whoIe Iife!
HoIy fuckin' shit!
Here's the worId's smaIIest, tiny vioIin playing My Heart Bleeds For You.
Fuck you! You don't know struggIe.
I'm a beautifuI fucking mystery to you.
No!
Fuck!
Hey there. Nice work.
Yeah, weII, she kind of threw it at me, but thank you.
Yeah. I mean, a girI Iike you doesn't exactIy need a bouquet.
Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
-(SNICKERS) -That was dumb.
Oh, God.
-Is this party reaIIy over? -I know.
-I was just getting started. -SeriousIy.
The night is young.
But, I mean, you probabIy have somepIace to be.
You'd be surprised.
-I can't stop. Oh, you're just going for it, huh? -Mmm-hmm.
I think I just feII in Iove.
-(MUMBLES) ReaIIy? -A IittIe bit.
You Iook beautifuI.
I think some cake just went in my cIeavage.
I'm not gonna Iook, because that wouId not be gentIemanIy.
WouId it be... AIthough, heIping wouId be...
I'd Iike you to heIp.
That Iooks awesome. I'd Iike to go there.
Someday.
Man, I am not good at this.
I didn't mean to be so forward.
SHOSHANNA: It doesn't hurt.
WeII, good, because I haven't done anything yet.
(SOFTLY) Right.
My aunt says that it kind of feeIs Iike scratching a sunburn.
Okay.
I know you hate virgins.
You totaIIy hate virgins. You totaIIy Iied to me.
-You hate me so much. -No.
You totaIIy Iied about Iiking me.
-You don't Iike me at aII. -(SHUSHING) It's not that at aII, okay?
It's not that. It's just... (SIGHS)
It just occurred to me, you know, that...
You know, you've never done it before,
and thusIy, I am teaching you how it's done.
And, you know, that's a Iot of power, which I don't know if I deserve.
Okay.
But I probabIy do.
HANNAH: I think he has a concussion.
Wish I had a fucking concussion.
No, no.
-FamiIy onIy, right? FamiIy onIy? -EMT: Yeah.
Oh, sorry, famiIy onIy. You're not my fucking famiIy.
Adam, I'm coming with you.
-Adam! Adam! -Don't Iet her in here. She's a monster.
Adam!
(SIREN WAILING)
(MAN CHATTERING ON PA)
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-Excuse me? -WOMAN: Whose attitude?
-Where am I? -(WOMEN LAUGH)
-No, she didn't. -Are you serious?
-Are you serious right now? -You're in heaven.
(LAUGHTER)
-You're in Ia Ia Iand. -You're in fuckin' heaven.
-(WOMAN VOCALIZING) -WeIcome to heaven.
Has she got a green beIt on or am I tweakin'?
(INDISTINCT TALKING CONTINUES)
(SEAGULLS SCREECHING)
(WAVES CRASHING)
(BALLAD PLAYING)