HANNAH: (SINGSONG) Baby.
Coffee.
- Hot coffee. Come on. - (GRUNTING)
Wake up, okay? We got to go get Jessa.
- Adam? - Yes?
We have to go and get Jessa.
She's not done with rehab.
Yeah, well, we have to pick up Shoshanna,
we have to rent a car, which I can't do because I'm 24 years old,
so it's time to wake up.
- Do you hear me? - Hmm.
- Come on. - (GROANING)
It's not fun for me.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
Whoa.
Are you okay?
(ONE MORE NIGHT PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
- (SINGING ALONG) - Try to tell you no
But my body keeps on telling you yes
Try to tell you stop
But your lipstick got me so out of breath
It doesn't even make sense.
... waking up in the morning Probably hating myself
I sound just like him.
... waking up, feeling satisfied And guilty as hell
But, baby...
(MUSIC STOPS)
I hope Jessa's at least, like, appreciative.
She should be.
We are really giving of ourselves, being, like, models of female friendship.
HANNAH: And giving up so much valuable writing time all for her good.
This isn't for my health.
ADAM: That's bullshit.
Excuse me?
You're not doing her any good by taking her out of rehab.
But she said it was time for her to go.
Oh, wow. When was the last time an addict lied?
Oh, my God, that's so true. They totally lie.
My friend Rachel is fully addicted to blueberry Red Bull,
and she always tells me that she hasn't had one,
but she tells me, like, with a blue tongue.
I just don't really think you understand the nature of female friendship.
You're right, I don't. And I don't want to
if it involves ignoring all logic and being totally hysterical.
Well, you're not really there for your friends in any way.
I mean, come to think of it, like when Chad busted open his knee...
I couldn't get involved because it was under very illegal and illicit circumstances.
- HANNAH: Okay. - I mean, Adam was there for you
when you went totally bat-shit insane
and decided to cut your hair like a little boy on a fancy cookie box.
I just think that women get stuck in this, like, vortex of guilt and jealousy with each other
that keep them from seeing situations clearly.
"Women get stuck"?
Okay, now you sound like one of those guys
who thinks a woman should never be president
because her menstruation will cloud her judgment.
But they shouldn't, like, be president because it could...
Their... Their judgment.
Okay, well, Jessa wants to leave.
Well, you can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes, you just might find you...
(CHUCKLES)
- ...get what you... - (LAUGHS)
What's funny?
- (SNIFFING) - (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
I thought you'd gone already.
I was thrown in a room without any human contact,
no food, no water, for hours.
Why didn't you come rescue me?
Role-playing is not my forte, my love.
I was in fucking solitary.
But they can't outsmart me. There was no lock on the door.
- (LAUGHS) - Stupid fucks.
But truth be told, I'd sort of like to be in jail for a day, you know?
It's this feeling you really can't simulate.
Poor thing.
You're too young to understand which thoughts are useless to you.
All right.
When you're older, your mind learns to let go of things that don't suit you.
You start to live with the same ignorance as the very young.
- Mmm-hmm. - Of course, being young is terrifying as well.
You have all of the knowledge, but none of the language
to dissuade yourself from the horrible truths of the world.
- Mmm-hmm. - I feel the utmost sympathy for my daughter.
I did everything I could to make the world a less gargantuan place for her.
You don't even talk to her.
That's just one of the ways that I protect her.
That makes sense.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
What's your favorite utensil?
Um... My favorite utensil is...
I never thought about it.
Wait, seriously? That's, like, insane. Like, what if you had to pick?
I guess a fork.
Okay, that is crazy.
Like, why would you want cold metal prongs stabbing you in the tongue
when instead you could have your food delivered into your mouth
on, like, a cool, soft, pillow-y cloud?
What did you just say?
- How was it? - It was fine.
I saw some Raggedy Ann dolls.
So, what do you want to eat?
What are you guys getting?
Biscuits and gravy and chicken fried steak.
Well, they don't list their calories here, so, A, I'm not eating, and, B, that is illegal.
I'm really, really not hungry,
so maybe you can just order me pancakes and, uh, turkey bacon.
And then I guess if they don't have turkey bacon,
I'll have regular bacon and a milk shake. Thank you.
- Where are you going? - To pee.
I highly doubt they have turkey bacon.
If they have turkey bacon, I would be shocked.
Holla, koala.
Hey.
Mom, don't you think that's a bit much?
This place smells like kimchi.
Yeah, well, now it smells like a Sephora.
Well, what would you rather have, kimchi or a Sephora? (SNIFFING)
Yo, where you at? You wanna come see my new place?
My mom is here and she's helping me a ton.
Oh, my God, I would love to, but I'm actually...
I am up in Woodstock with Adam 'cause we're doing this, like, couples getaway
to just, you know, relax and recharge.
Charlie and I used to do stuff like that all the time.
Do not utter his name. Just saying his name gives him power.
Uh, I'm picking Jessa up from rehab.
All of us are, Adam and Shoshanna and me.
Wait, so you lied to me?
- For one second. - (MOUTHING)
(SOFTLY) Give me the phone.
I lied to you one second ago for a second
and then I took it back a second later. That doesn't even count.
Yeah, but you were gonna lie to me.
What, you don't think I can handle it, Hannah?
That's not it.
By the way, why are you even picking Jessa up?
- Doesn't she have, like, a magic carpet? - (CHUCKLES)
Just 'cause that's the rules of rehab.
She needs somebody to sign a paper for her so she can go.
Well, since when does Jessa follow the rules?
And by the way, since when is Jessa even a drug addict?
She's, like, a life addict.
I gotta be honest. I'm feeling pretty left out right now.
Oh, I hate that, baby. Aw.
Am I on speakerphone?
- No. - Hi, Hannah. How are you?
Hi, Evie. How's it going?
Marnie, are you saying you actually would have wanted to come?
Oh, my God, no. Of course not. I just didn't want anyone to go.
Okay, that makes sense.
You know what? You guys need to work this out.
And, Hannah, you got to come over and see Marnie's new shit box.
Mom.
I'm, like, unrelentingly itchy. Is that a road trip thing?
What do you have the rocking chair for?
Uh, I wasn't hungry, so I bought a souvenir.
It's a rustic souvenir. It was, like, $14.
My friend Zeva has always wanted one.
She is going to freak when she sees that I have one.
Do you think the donut's gonna help my nausea
or do you think it's gonna hurt it?
I had to take my seat belt off. It smells like straight ketchup.
I'm so bored. Are you guys so bored?
Boredom is bullshit.
Boredom is for lazy people who have no imagination.
I will never be bored as long as there's Halloween.
I hate Halloween.
This road trip is just so unremarkable. You know what I mean?
It's just so similar to other road trips that I've seen in,
I don't know, various media. It's like a Don Henley song.
What were you expecting?
HANNAH: Something I could write about in my book.
I mean, we're picking our friend up from rehab
and I just thought there'd be something I could write about in my book.
That seems like a very rich area,
but I'm just realizing that this road trip is not a metaphor.
It just isn't.
And this rocking chair is so pointy. It's not giving me any room to express myself.
My head's caught.
- (SITCOM PLAYING ON TV) - (CHUCKLES)
RACHEL: You idiot! CHANDLER: I'm sure you're right, but why?
(LAUGHS)
Can you turn the TV off?
What?
Oh, me?
Oh, yeah, no, it's fine. I've totally seen this one a bunch anyways.
Can you shut your computer down now, please?
What?
(SHOSHANNA CHUCKLES)
(TURNS OFF TV)
Can you shut your computer down now, please?
I'm trying to finish five pages today
so I can stay on schedule for my publisher, okay?
You're always typing on your computer.
Yeah, that's 'cause this trip is kind of a kink in my schedule and I need...
Do you guys want to play Truth or Dare?
- How do you play? - Um...
(CHUCKLES)
You've never played Truth or Dare?
Well, I'm aware that there's a game that's called that.
Truth or Dare is one of the most fun games in the world.
(LAUGHS)
And it's the game that teaches children how to behave like adults.
Okay.
I was playing Truth or Dare the first time I got fingered.
Okay, do not, like, share a bunch of really good truths
before we even start the game.
That's, like, really wasteful. Okay, so...
I say, "Truth or Dare," right?
And you have to pick truth or dare.
- Okay. - But you have to do it.
Otherwise, like... You have to.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Okay, truth or dare? - Dare.
Okay, um...
Okay, I dare you to go to the ice machine...
No, okay... No, no, no, okay.
Um, I dare you... Okay, no.
I dare you to kiss
Hannah.
Okay, that is an incredibly lame dare because that is already my boyfriend
- and we kiss all the time. - (EXCLAIMS)
- Yeah, you did it! You did it! - (ADAM MOANING)
- It's your first dare! - (HANNAH MUMBLES)
- (CHUCKLES) - That doesn't feel good.
Here, just watch us play, okay?
- Watch us play. - Okay, we're gonna do it.
- We're just gonna show you. - We're gonna do a thing.
- Truth or dare? - Okay, truth.
Okay, what is the most upsetting thought...
(STUTTERS) Wait, don't make it, like, too...
- Like, I want a truth... - Okay, bedtime.
ADAM: Night time.
Yeah. Um...
So, bed is now?
ADAM: Yeah.
Good night, Shosh. Let's play in the car tomorrow.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
HANNAH: Thank you very much for coming.
You really didn't have to and I know that...
I'm pissed we can't fuck.
Okay, but we're in the room with another person, so...
Yeah, well, I just can't sleep well if I don't cum.
HANNAH: When we get home, it is gonna be a cum parade.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - ADAM: I wanna cum now.
You know what? You do that.
You do that. You just... You do it, and I'm gonna go.
And I'll come back whenever the cum parade has, like, paraded on by.
Why are you being so grumpy?
I'm not being grumpy.
Are you gonna be nicer to me?
I'm gonna try.
Are you gonna turn your mood around?
I'm gonna try. I can do it. I'm gonna do it.
Are you gonna turn that frown upside down?
I'm gonna do it.
(WRAPPER RUSTLING)
(CHUCKLING) Shosh, you can come back, okay?
We finished. Adam just has to towel off.
Oh, my God. Is that Chex Mix?
Yeah, I'm allergic.
Thank you.
Did you have fun sex?
I don't know. Maybe now he'll actually let me sleep.
Do you think Adam's right?
About there being no value in watching sitcoms?
No, he's insane.
No, about the fact that we're not really helping Jessa
by retrieving her from rehab when she needs to be there.
I don't know. I wasn't really aware that she had a problem until just now.
Like, she's so pretty and guys love her and she doesn't even really want a job,
so, like, she really has nothing to worry about.
- You think Jessa has nothing to worry about? - Mmm-mmm.
I lived with her for, like, a year. She's as easy as they come.
What about all the binge drinking and the heavy drug use?
She just does that for fun.
Shosh, she got divorced, like, seven months ago.
And, like, earned a bunch of money from it. Like, that's totally fun.
And before that, the trail of broken affairs and the fact that she's now in rehab.
Uh, yeah, like, totally cool. It's, like, a rite of passage for celebrities.
She probably has already met Ryan Phillipp-ey
and they're probably engaged.
By the way, it's Phillippe. I heard it on Extra.
It's definitely Phillipp-ey.
It's 100% Phillippe.
I mean, I read his autobiography, so I think I would know.
Whatever, Jessa is no bowl of fucking cherries, okay?
I know that she is beautiful and glamorous,
but she has a deep well of sadness inside her that most people don't detect.
And I didn't even know about it in college because all she did was
dance on the quad in rain boots and a bikini and, like, juggle knives,
and then one day, she got really sick.
She goes to the student health center.
Turns out to be a kidney infection.
So a bunch of us go over to her room to bring her, like, magazines and snacks
and, you know, donut holes and shit,
and we're all talking and she's telling great stories.
She looks like Ava Gardner. She doesn't look sick at all.
Then we say we have to go to class 'cause it's finals.
She's, like, begging us to stay.
I was like, "Dude, I've got to go. I have finals."
As I'm closing the door, I see that she's just crying
'cause that's how badly she doesn't want to be left alone.
That's, like, a really sad story,
but I think you're probably remembering it wrong.
Like, you were probably the one who was crying.
I'm really happy that she's gonna be home for graduation.
Like, I really want her in my photos.
Are you nervous about graduation?
Oh, my God. Not at all.
Like, whatever I do, it'll be better than school.
I hate to break it to you, but school is the best gig you'll ever have.
I mean, your job is basically just to, like, be yourself.
That's why I apply to grad school every single year.
Honestly, the only people that I ever hear say that
are people who don't make any money.
Adam, you were right. It's such a beautiful country.
HANNAH: I mean, no wonder truckers do cocaine. This is boring as hell.
Can we turn the air up? I feel very nauseous.
What are you doing?
- What are you doing? - Hiking.
HANNAH: No, 'cause we have to pick Jessa up.
ADAM: She's not going anywhere.
You want something to write about, well, here it is.
The glory of God is all around us, Hannah.
Trees, frogs, birdy-birds.
What is wrong with people?
Look how fun this is!
I hate this!
My friend Rachel saw a guy giving a girl full-on cunnilingus
on a hike just like this on a day just like this.
No! No! Come on, kid, let's go. You can do it.
Yeah, but you know what, Adam? I don't want to do it.
And it's really liberating to say no to shit you hate.
So you go ahead. You live your truth.
I'll be here living my truth.
Okay.
Or we could all just go back to the car!
ADAM: See you in a bit!
HANNAH: But I have no stick!
Shosh?
Ray's third worst scenario in life, thank you, is a road trip with a spontaneous detour.
Who has a third worst anything?
- Who doesn't? - I don't.
I don't catalog my mind. It's unhealthy.
Adam, you are, like, so dementedly helpful.
Okay, cool.
No, like, you seem like you genuinely like helping people.
Hannah needs so much and you just give and give and give like a saint.
- It goes both ways. - No, okay, I'm serious.
Think about it. What would she have done during this period of mental unrest
if her boyfriend had been, like, an actual human being existing in society?
What if you had, like, a job or responsibilities
or places to be during the day like her best friend?
(SIGHS)
She is my best friend.
Oh, my God.
MAN ON RADIO: It's not always so clear what the best way is
to help somebody without unintended consequences,
either the people being helped
or the people doing the helping.
We have two stories today,
including a sheriff who was trying to do right by marijuana growers.
From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, thank God you're still here.
- How was group? - (HUFFS)
Who confessed to what? Who screamed at who?
- Tell me everything. - Yeah.
- That girl with the tramp stamp... - Yeah, yeah.
...told us she slept with her brother-in-law.
Boring or what?
Yeah, I could've told you that.
Truth be told, Jessamyn,
I've been pants-shittingly scared
that you'd departed already
before we'd had the chance to properly fuck.
Wait, we were never going to fuck.
Oh, yeah, we were always gonna fuck. We decided that the moment we met, babe.
The moment we met, if I recall,
I was being held down in a chair by a woman named Frank.
Right, and we shared a look, right? Remember?
A look in which I communicated, "Are we gonna fuck?"
And your look responded, "Yes, we are gonna fuck."
Oh, my God. You were almost charming until now.
That was before my bag of stash ran out.
- What stash? - (EXHALES)
Percs, Vics, Klonies. The usual suspects.
At my age, group is almost unbearable
unless you have something to smooth out the jagged little edges
and the nattering fucking chitchat.
I've got one Adderall left.
There we go, my baby.
You can have a seat. This'll take a minute.
Well, can I walk around?
Well, maybe not right here. It's annoying to me.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
DR. STERNS: Which one's your sister?
Her.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Hello.
You understand your sister has been removed from our program for various offenses,
including fraternizing and distributing
a zine of provocative cartoons.
What's fraternizing?
- I joined a frat. - Intense sexualized socializing.
Okay.
Can I get my pot back, please?
- You want your pot back? - Yeah.
Sure, I just need to check with the police and make sure they're okay with that.
Whatever. Fine.
We believe that Jessa would benefit from additional treatment,
but we can't keep her here.
I totally get it. Let me just sign the waiver and we'll get out of here.
There's nothing to sign. We have an open-door policy.
But she told me that there was something that I needed to sign so I could come get her.
No, we offered to drive her to the airport, but she said you were coming here for her.
There's an airport?
It's a very small one.
There's an airport?
(CLEARS THROAT)
HANNAH: I think it's really fucked up that you lied to me,
and I think it's even more fucked up how you left me, okay?
At your father's house with no way to get home.
I had to catch a ride to the train station from a pregnant teen.
She was in labor.
And then I took the train home by myself and I felt like a huge loser.
And it made me remember what it was like in college when you'd say,
"Oh, meet me at the Free Palestine party."
Then I'd find out you're over at the Israel house.
And so I just wish you would get it that this is not okay behavior for a friend.
Okay, listen, it was all weird back then.
None of it was on purpose.
Okay.
And your hair looks fantastic.
You know what? Thank you,
but this haircut happened upon me in a very challenging time
that you weren't present for.
I feel very glad you like it
because every single morning when I wake up, I question it.
Okay.
What... Why... What is... Why? What is all this?
I just missed you so much.
I missed you.
And I would really like it if you would please stop leaving
'cause I'm really looking forward to you being around more.
So, please,
- just please, please... - Okay, I will. I am.
I'm... I am done with all that.
Okay, 'cause I hate it. I hate it.
Okay.
Let's get out of this fucking nunnery.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
SHOSHANNA: (SINGING) Try to tell you no
But my body keeps on telling you yes
Try to tell you stop...
If ever you want to go to a meeting or whatever...
Um, yeah. Sure, maybe.
Okay, cool. Just let me know.
Cool.
(POP SONG PLAYING)