- Hey. - MARNIE: Hi.
What's up?
- Hi. - Hi, how's it goin'?
It's good. How was the ride?
I have to fucking piss so badly,
- I'm gonna shit myself. - Oh, God.
I can't believe we're in the Hamptons.
No, this is the North Fork.
It's very different from the Hamptons.
It's, you know, for people who think the Hamptons are tacky
and don't want to be on a beach that's near a J.Crew.
J.Crew?
Where's Jessa? Did she not even show?
She just insisted on sitting in the back of the bus for political reasons.
I will text you the minute I recharge my phone.
So good to meet you. You guys are the best.
- Hey. - MARNIE: Hi.
I hope you don't mind.
I invited Rita and Luther to hang with us this weekend.
They're amazing. Luther's an orthodontist.
Yeah, the only thing is that my mom's friend Suzanne
was so generous letting us stay in this house this weekend
that it feels a little bit like it might be rude to have bus people in it.
Okay, don't worry. I mean, they probably won't come.
It was just, like, a token invite.
Not worried.
Oh, my God.
I call biggest and/or best room.
HANNAH: No one can call anything without saying "shotgun," okay?
Shotgun!
No!
Shosh, no, no, no, no, no.
I threw my bag on first. Do you know what that means?
SHOSHANNA: It means nothing! JESSA: Get off!
First one who gets in gets the bed.
SHOSHANNA: Your shoes are hurting me.
Hey, guys, you know what? Don't worry about it.
I think I'm just gonna take this room.
You guys, I had a feeling this was gonna happen,
so I went ahead and assigned the rooms.
So, Shosh is in here.
- (CHEERS SOFTLY) - Hannah, you and I are downstairs,
- and, Jessa, I put you in the lighthouse... - Great.
...'cause it's bohemian.
- Wait, there's a lighthouse? - JESSA: No.
Wait, there's a lighthouse? Excuse me.
- It's all right. - You can have this room!
You can have this room.
So, we're sharing a room?
Well, it's two different rooms, but they connect, so, options.
Cool.
I'm so excited. It's like old times.
Me, too.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
This is so fun! In it's own way!
What?
Thank God.
No!
Not funny.
That's not funny.
HANNAH: Ow! Ow!
This is so hard on my feet, you guys.
You were on the phone for so long,
you didn't hear what I said about swim shoes.
This is... Ow!
Oh, my God. I'm not staying down here.
It's like a monsoon is brewing.
It's the best swimming conditions imaginable.
I'm having the time of my life, seriously.
I can't go in open water unless I'm menstruating.
You guys, we're so disconnected now.
I thought this would just be a nice opportunity for us to have fun together
and, you know, prove to everyone via Instagram
that we can still have fun as a group.
But we do still have fun as a group.
We don't need to have some, like, perfect weekend, you know?
- I don't know. I kind of like this idea. - Thank you.
I've learned a lot of great communication games in rehab
- and we could play those. - MARNIE: Yeah, they're so fun.
But I just think we have a lot of healing to do,
and we have a lot of ways that we could do it.
That's all I'm saying.
Should we start the healing now in this horrifying wind tunnel?
No, you know, I was actually thinking the healing would take place at dinner,
but after that, we would do face masks and watch The Queens of Comedy,
and then we could maybe write our wishes down on pieces of paper
and then throw them into a bonfire so they come true.
But for now we have to go grocery shopping.
Don't you think you should probably
be wearing clothes and shoes if you're going into town?
No, this is a beach town. That's not how they operate.
MARNIE: Okay.
"No bare feet." Fucking bullshit.
- Can I have your list, then? - Here you go.
- Where was that? - In my back pocket.
- You wanna wear one of my shoes? - No, thank you.
- You sure? - Yeah, I like it better out here.
Can you please get me some white cheddar Goldfish?
I don't think Marnie will let me. It's not on the list.
- (SIGHS) Okay. - Sorry.
ELIJAH: Oh, my God, look, you guys. Spring Breakers.
(MEN LAUGHING)
- Oh, my God. - That makes me sick.
Hannah.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Hi-Io. Hi.
What are you doing here?
We all were just saying how much we love your bikini.
Yeah, so few people are going bold to the beach anymore.
- Absolutely. - That's not true.
I heard you laughing at it.
You did say it pretty loud. (LAUGHS)
Oh, my God.
We'll be in the wicker shop.
Okay, just give me a second, boo.
Yeah, but with you, one second's always about 20 minutes, boo.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Nobody was making fun of you.
I heard you.
It's a good thing I'm not as susceptible to criticism as I used to be.
What are you doing here?
Getting away from the daily grind of city life
and my high-powered job in the magazine industry
and making memories with my friends that will last a lifetime.
The usual. I don't know, Elijah. What are you doing here?
You know, we're just staying at a friend's house
that I think we thought was a little more centrally located,
you know, like in the Hamptons,
so it's kinda weird that we're not in the Hamptons.
I don't want to make small talk with you, all right?
Hannah, I'm sorry.
About the Spring Breakers comment? 'Cause that didn't offend me.
I think that movie was a beautiful blend of art and commerce.
No, I mean... I mean, I'm sorry for everything.
For everything that happened the last time I saw you.
I feel terrible about all of it.
I think about you all the time, and "What are you doing?"
And "What's wrong with her?" And "What's she eating?"
And "Who she's mad at."
I just think about you all the time and I miss you so much.
Gosh, I miss you, too.
- I really miss you. - You do?
Every time I see something that sucks, like, royally but subtly,
I think to myself, "Only Elijah would understand this."
And then I don't even remember why I'm mad.
Well, 'cause I had sex with Marnie.
- Yeah, no, I know. - Okay, okay.
And Marnie is acting like such a psychopathic nightmare.
Oh, I can only imagine.
She's just, like, walking around, bossing everybody around
like a mean, skinny Miss Hannigan.
- Yeah. - (SIGHS)
Why don't you come over? Why don't you guys come over?
It'll fucking save the day.
Let's just forget everything and come over and save me from this hell.
(LAUGHS) Yes.
- I love you. - I love you.
What are you making?
It's called the North Fork Fizz.
That sounds so yummy.
I'm inventing it as we speak.
So, I gained 25 pounds, but then I lost 30 pounds.
Oh, amazing. How did you do it?
The Victoria Principal diet.
Wow, what does that consist of?
It's black coffee and you can have one slice of turkey until 4:00 p.m.,
and then you can do whatever you want.
- Hannah, so sorry to interrupt. - I could actually do that.
Could you come do a tick check on me in the other room?
- A tick check? - Mmm-hmm.
I was just rummaging outside
and I feel like I might have gotten a tick,
so I just need to talk to you in the other room maybe so you can check.
Okay.
- I'll be right back. - Oh. Okay.
- What? - I cannot believe you invited them.
What am I supposed to do, Marnie? They kind of invited themselves.
And, anyway, we cannot put this much pressure on our relationships.
This will really lighten the mood.
The mood is already plenty light.
I just really think this is gonna be important and this is gonna be healing.
Elijah was the beginning of this whole rift.
I know, and that's why it's so weird he's here.
Plus, they're a lot of fun. They're theater people.
That's your favorite breed, okay?
Listen, Gerald's a choreographer, Paul's an understudy,
Pal is a theater publicist.
He did Kinky Boots, the whole viral marketing campaign.
I can't believe that's who came after me.
Well, knowing Elijah, it was 11 closeted math teachers who came after you,
but after that, it was Pal, and he seems great.
Okay.
(I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR EVERYTHING PLAYING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
All right, who wants another North Fork Fizz?
- I fucking do! - Those things always make me sick.
- Thank you. - Fill it up, please.
- I think they are so sweet. - And thank you.
What are you making?
It's a julienne vegetable salad
from The Art of French Cooking.
It's for four, so...
The vegetables are very thinly chopped.
Yeah, that's what it means to julienne something.
Look, Marnie, I'm really sorry things turned out the way they did.
- Yeah, me, too. - No.
Really, I mean it.
I regret it.
I do, too.
And I really hope we can be friends.
I really do.
I just have a new take on things.
I guess I'm in love,
and I just... It changed me, in a way.
I know it's stupid and you're gonna make fun of me,
but he's been taking me to kabbalah classes
and I just... I'm trying not to be so negative.
Yeah, that's, um... That's beautiful.
That's amazing.
So you're, like, in love with him.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Yes, I am.
- I mean, I haven't told him yet, but... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I will soon. I can't keep it in for too long.
- No, you can't. - Oh, my God. I love this song!
ALL: (CHANTING) Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot!
(HANNAH WHOOPING)
She's in such a great place right now.
That's disgusting.
I'm so happy about you and Elijah.
Honestly, it's been a rough road for him, and he needed somebody like you.
Yeah, no, he's great. He's really great.
I don't know what the fuck he does with his days, but...
Supposedly he's running a semi-improvised dance troupe
and working at the glove department at Barneys,
but whenever I call him, he's sleeping.
And by sleeping, I mean jerking off.
Well, my boyfriend, too, jerks off quite a bit,
and I just thank him for taking his energy,
at least half of it, elsewhere.
Otherwise, I'd be a pounded-out piece of meat.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God. Do you know who you remind me of?
This has been on my mind all day and I just figured it out.
- Who? - My friend Sadie.
- Really? - Yeah, she's always trying new things.
She is such a dilettante.
Oh, my God. So funny, thank you.
She showers, like, once a month.
She's so crazy. I love her. I love Sadie.
Hey, doesn't Hannah remind you of crazy-ass Sadie?
Sadie is fat as shit.
Let's go on a house tour.
You are way skinnier than Sadie.
- Like, way skinnier. - Thanks.
MARNIE: So, finally he called me at around noon,
and he was like, "Hey, I think we need to talk about some things.
"I love you and I want to propose to you..."
What?
"But I think we need to talk about a couple things first."
So I grill the pizzas and I wait, and I wait and wait.
Finally, at around 10:00 p.m.,
he walks through the front door with a friend from work
and starts packing up his things.
While you were eating pizza?
He does not say a word to me.
Me, in our apartment.
I'm standing there, he doesn't say anything to me.
And then finally he gets to the door
and he's about to walk out, and he turns around.
He looks me right in the eyes and he says,
"I don't love you and I've never loved you."
Marnie, I'm so sorry. That's... That's, like, the worst story ever.
- Truly. - Anyway,
- his business went under or some shit. - (LAUGHING)
And I hear he's, like, a carpenter's apprentice.
He's working in, like, a sneaker store.
Ugh! Good. I've always hated him.
What? I thought you guys were really close in college.
No, that's when I thought we were both closet cases.
We watched Wild Things once,
and I was pretty sure we were gonna start jacking off together,
but then he started dating you
and I realized that his issues were way more complicated
than just being gay.
- Hey, boo. - Hi.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, Jesus. - Oh, my gosh.
Gerald always does this dance when he drinks.
It was the first dance he ever did on Broadway,
so it's extremely emotional for him.
It's amazing.
- Is it? - Yes.
I thought so, too, the first time I saw it.
But now I'm like, "How many times do we need to see this dance?"
- You are such a bitch. It's amazing. - (SCOFFS)
Ray is encouraging me to explore the more artistic sides of my personality.
I think he's right. We should all be more creative.
- Who's Ray? - Ray Ploshansky.
- Old Man Ray? - Yeah.
Since when are you hanging out with Old Man Ray?
I'm gonna go have Gerald teach me that dance.
Gerald.
- She's fucking him. - I fucked her once.
- You did? - Mmm-hmm.
Come on, Hannah. It's time for the rehearsal.
- PAUL: The rehearsal? - Whatever. It's, like, a fun thing to do.
You know what else would be a fun thing to do is eat.
Who else is fucking starving?
JESSA: You should just drink more.
I already feel pretty loose. Dangerously loose.
Hannah, do you want me to stay sober?
Yes.
Because you know it's either me or you who's gonna drink that drink.
Do you want that on your shoulders?
Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be?
- Are you serious? - Do you want that on you?
Do you want that on you?
- No. - Oh, my God. Relapse city.
- No. - Here it comes. Here it comes.
- Call my sponsor. Oh, shit. - No!
- Please give this to me. - (ALL LAUGHING)
You're such a bitch.
JESSA: You're a good friend.
So, let's do that one more time. Okay, so, head to the right.
- Oh, yeah. - So, right shoulder, left shoulder, head front.
- (GASPS) Surprise. - (ALL GASPING)
Okay, no, no. Uh-uh. You can't make that face.
Close your... Close.
Five, six, seven, eight. "You're breaking my heart,
"you're tearing it apart, so fuck you."
Left, right.
- Spank the ass. - Slap it, slap it, slap it, go.
- Yes! - ALL: Yes.
- Very nice, you all. - Marnie!
I just think I have abandonment issues, if I'm being totally honest.
And it's much more than I realize.
And they're all from my father,
but they just rear their heads in other ways.
Marnie, of course you do.
How could you not with that asshole in your life?
You know what I mean?
And then, for me, I have the opposite thing
which is that it has been so hard for me
to get the space that I need from my parents.
Loreen and Tad are so involved.
They never gave me any space to even read a book,
just calling, "Hannah, Hannah, Hannah."
- Oh, my God. - And, so, when I was finally an adult,
I went to seize that space,
and I think you ended up being a casualty of that.
And I feel so sorry for that.
Do not have any guilt about this because I am okay.
I may not seem okay, and I might not be okay now, but I am, like, okay.
I was dreading this trip.
I would've done anything not to be here,
but now I'm starting to think it's gonna be
one of the most meaningful weekends of the summer.
That is so nice, seriously.
- I love you. I love you. - I love you, too.
Pick one.
Pick what?
We have not assumed this position in quite some time.
I suppose so. I guess that's right.
Hey, Elijah. Tell Paul what you thought "inertia" meant.
He thought "inertia" meant when you're moving too fast.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(WHISPERS) I still think that.
- Thank you. - That's a perfectly reasonable thing to think.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
PAL: Oh, my God, you're so naughty.
- Hi. - Oh. Hello.
- It's just me. - Yes, it is.
Do you know that you look like someone
Mapplethorpe would've photographed?
I have no idea who that is.
PAL: He has a haircut. That was your clue. He has a haircut.
I don't like the way that Pal talks to you.
What do you mean?
I just don't like it. It's condescending. It's not respectful.
Well, it doesn't feel great.
But I don't want to break up with him either.
I'm not saying break up with him. I'm saying talk to him about it.
I don't want you to think he's a bad person 'cause he's not a bad person.
I don't think he's a bad person.
No, but I feel like you're just seeing him at a time where he's not at his best.
- MARNIE: Hey, Hannah? - Yeah?
Hi.
Could you come here really quickly?
Come in here.
Could you please just, like, come here really quickly?
Okay.
- Hi. - Hi. What's going on?
It's dinnertime.
Okay, so get everyone out of the pool.
No, no, no, it's dinnertime for us.
- So, you mean... - Yeah.
Marnie, I'm not gonna kick everybody out. They're having a really good time.
That would be really weird and rude.
I know, but I kinda thought they were only gonna stay until dinner.
Why would you think that?
Because it's the time where the four of us are going to heal.
But we already did our healing. Earlier, remember?
We're both so sorry. I am so sorry.
Yes, you and I did, but the four of us didn't.
Are you fucking serious?
- Yes, I'm fucking... - Guys, dinner!
(ALL WHOOPING)
JESSA: Dinnertime!
Cool. Really cool. That's classy.
- Thank you, Marnie. - Welcome.
Hey, thank you.
(MEN LAUGHING)
- Thank you. - Hi.
Hi.
SHOSHANNA: What's for dinner? JESSA: What took so long, Marnie?
Wait, wait, wait. This is a fucking kid's meal?
- (ALL LAUGHING) - A fucking Lean Cuisine?
Am I on the Zone Diet?
Marnie, fuck.
I got four duck breasts for four people.
There are so many people. Hard times, Marn?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Wait, Pal, Pal. She cooked the duck, so do your Daffy Duck.
(IN DONALD DUCK VOICE) No, Marnie, please don't cook me.
Oh, my God, I don't wanna die. I'm too young to die.
Oh, wait. Oh, this feels good.
- (SHOSHANNA SQUEALS) - HANNAH: Oh, my God!
Isn't it so good?
That's Donald Duck.
ELIJAH: But you knew who he was doing.
MARNIE: Nope, you said Daffy Duck.
- Whatever, it's a duck. - ELIJAH: It's a duck.
Like what we're eating, sort of.
I think the duck turned out fuckin' awesome.
- It's so good, Marnie. - PAL: It's really good, yeah.
- HANNAH: I love it. - No, no, no. No, no, no, don't.
I don't really like duck.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Nobody likes duck.
Are you ready?
JESSA: Come on, Marnie. It's a four-person dance.
- We need you. - I'm not in the mood.
- JESSA: Come on, you're the best one. - Ladies, can we do this?
- Yes. - Fine.
Are you ready with the iPod?
- Yes, can we please start? - GERALD: Press play, please.
- Excellent. - GERALD: Thank you.
No time for text from Mom.
It's on.
(YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART PLAYING ON STEREO)
GERALD: Smiles.
- Larry, Moe, Curly. - Smile, ladies.
- Fall out. - Work it.
- Crazy. - GERALD: Piano. Right?
- Smack your ass. Are you guys dancing? - ELIJAH: Yeah.
GERALD: Yeah!
That's right.
Three.
And pulse it. Yes. Yes.
(ALL CHEERING)
- (MEN LAUGHING) - (GROANS)
We did it!
That was so good.
- That was so good. - Oh, my gosh. That was awesome.
I think if we could do it one more time,
we'll get it, like, really, really perfect.
I think it'll be awesome.
But we're not, like, trying to make it to Broadway.
MARNIE: No, no, no, I know.
I know, no. It's just that
there was this one moment where you were on the four
when you were supposed to be on the three,
so there was this big hole in there.
Yeah, yeah, totally. I agree. The three-count was really dead.
Yeah, I would say overall, though, your performance was pretty good.
Yeah, but why does everything have to be perfect?
- Like, it had a lot of spirit. - No, I know.
It's just that if things can't be perfect,
maybe they could be as close to perfect as possible.
Like when you have a dinner for four,
maybe you could have just, like, a really perfect dinner party
for four people to really enjoy properly.
You're seriously mad I let everyone stay for dinner?
Oh, my God.
PAUL: Wait, time-out. That was dinner?
Okay, you know what? Let's just Google map a Domino's.
- That's fun. - PAL: We're in the North Fork, boo.
They don't have Domino's.
MARNIE: Dinner was supposed to be our time for honesty.
And I'm really sorry, you guys. This is not about you.
This is between us, but then you invited the cast of Magic Mike.
Marnie, I don't feel like being honest.
Why not? Being honest is fun.
What are you talking about, Shosh?
I'm talking about the fact that you're a fucking narcissist.
Seriously, I have never met anyone else
who thinks their own life is so fucking fascinating.
I wanted to fall asleep in my own vomit all day
listening to you talk about how you bruise more easily than other people.
- Are you serious? - Mmm-hmm.
HANNAH: Okay, well, people have been calling me a narcissist
since I was three, so it doesn't really upset me.
You've gotta choose something more creative.
Yeah, it really has no effect on you.
Now you. So we're untabling our issues, then?
I wanted to do this at dinner.
Oh, my God. Can you chill the fuck out about dinner?
Seriously, that duck tasted like a used condom
and I want to forget about it.
Shosh has gone totally insane.
I don't know. Maybe she's gone sane.
You guys never listen to me.
You treat me like I'm a fucking cab driver.
Seriously, you have entire conversations in front of me like I am invisible.
And sometimes I wonder if my social anxiety
is holding me back from meeting the people
who would actually be right for me
instead of a bunch of fucking whiny nothings as friends.
HANNAH: Well, maybe Shosh has a point.
I mean, it's not like the four of us
have had any real fun together in the last, what, two years?
That is not true.
Name one fun thing.
This trip, if we had done anything I planned.
Oh, my God!
Hey, Marnie.
You know, I think you should process what you just said
because, you know, happiness is about appreciating what you have.
- Yes. - What is that, like, some AA bullshit?
Seriously, Jessa goes to rehab for five fucking seconds
and we have to listen to everything she comes up with.
- Shosh, you're a cruel drunk. - It's crazy.
She's a cruel drunk and she's also not an intellectual.
JESSA: Actually, she is.
I'm gonna stick up for Shosh on this one
and say that I have seen her read the newspaper on her phone.
Then why, when I'm around her, do I feel like my brain is gonna atrophy?
I would call you a little unstimulating.
"Unstimulating"?
What, are we in, like, a fucking Jane Austen novel?
What, do I want to be like you?
Like, mentally ill and miserable?
Whoa, whoa. When did we start with all of this name-calling, guys?
We didn't start with the name-calling.
Shosh started with the name-calling.
I did not start with the name-calling.
I started with your fucking honesty idea, Miss Tan Legs.
I've never talked to you that way.
You are tortured by self-doubt and fear,
and it is not pleasant to be around.
That is really fucking mean.
- That is mean. - MARNIE: It is really mean,
what you just said, Shoshanna.
I'm sorry my heart was fucking broken after Charlie dumped me.
Well, we would have no way of knowing that
because the only issues you ever talk about are your issues with me.
Seriously, we've known each other for almost eight years.
I've been on this planet for 25,
and I'm not showing any signs of changing.
Look, all you've ever done is talk about the fact
that you are changing, that you want to change,
self-improvement, all that bullshit.
So I get on board with it, and thus all you've done
for the past couple of years is disappoint me.
Well, then maybe you should lower your expectations.
I can't lower them any further.
Well, maybe you should try what I do,
which is I don't expect anything from any of you.
I'm so fucking sick of all of you.
I really miss my boyfriend...
Who asks me for nothing, so I give him everything.
So, um, I guess what I would like
is just for you to be
a little more respectful of me.
When have I ever been disrespectful of you?
Well, I... It was something that...
It was something that Hannah had noticed.
- Hannah? - And then it made me...
I'm... Wait. I'm sorry, something that Hannah said?
Are you kidding me?
That is the most ridiculous girl I've ever met in my entire life.
You're taking advice from Hannah?
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Yeah, um...
I just wanna feel comfortable
- around you all the time... - Mmm-hmm.
Because I love you.
Oh.
Wow, Elijah.
Look, I'm starting to think this isn't what you think it is.
I mean, maybe we shouldn't do this,
because if you want something that I can't give you...
- No. No, no, no. - Then I don't want to lead you on.
That's not... That's not... I think...
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I think that we...
- That's not what I meant. - Okay...
That's not what I meant.
Okay, 'cause I... I don't want you to feel...
- No, it's totally fine. - I don't want you to feel...
- Let's just forget it. Forget it. - Okay.
- Are you sure? - Yep.
- Are you gonna be okay with this? - I'm great.
Okay. That's fine, then.
GERALD: The truth is, I don't think you're very talented.
What? Hey, are you kidding me?
I spent $80,000 on a theater BFA.
Of course I am talented, Gerald.
(WATER RUNNING)