WAITRESS: Are you sure I can't get you anything else?
Oh, yeah, no. I'm actually waiting for someone.
I'm actually waiting, um, for Patti LuPone.
I have... I'm going to conduct an interview with her, so...
If you could just let her know that I'm sitting right here,
that would be amazing.
I don't know what she looks like.
Patti LuPone? Like...
(SINGING) Don't cry for me...
That's not...
Okay.
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
Hi, mister. I'm waiting for Patti.
(WHISPERS) I'm at my callback.
Oh, my God. Major Barbara. Are you excited?
I don't know. It's a small part.
No, there's no small parts, there's only small actors,
and you're a very tall actor.
Everyone here looks like how I'd look with a nose job.
But they don't want someone with a nose job.
They want someone with a spirit.
Whatever. I'm not here to make friends.
Look, they don't love it when you're on the phone.
Oh... Oh, okay.
- I've gotta go. - Okay, I love you.
- I love you, too. - Bye.
I'll call you after the interview. Bye.
I'm sorry. I'm just... I know this casting director.
She's kinda, like, proper.
No, no, no, no, it's cool. Thank you.
Yeah, sure.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Desi. - Adam.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
What part are you reading?
Bill.
Oh, okay.
- You? - Uh, Bronterre.
Oh.
- Nice. Very nice. - Yeah.
- Hi, Rocco. Do you need me to sign? - (GRUNTS)
Nope, have a great day.
- Please don't go, Rocco. - I have to go.
I want to hear about your weekend, Rocco.
What did you have for dinner?
Who's your ex-wife? Rocco, I'm so bored!
You bastard.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
So...
Um, something's actually come up for Patti in her schedule,
so she's not gonna...
We're gonna reschedule.
Adam?
Can we see you for one more second?
Yeah.
I said get two chickens.
Oops. They're back. Okay, bye.
Come on in.
Do you guys want me to give it a different read?
Congratulations. You got it.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Okay. Uh...
- Does he know? - (BOTH LAUGH)
- He does. - Okay.
Okay, cool.
Uh, thank you very much. (LAUGHS)
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
- Hey. - Hey.
- I got it. - Yeah, me, too.
Yeah, I know. (CHUCKLES)
Where are you headed?
Um...
Greenpoint.
You want a ride?
No, I was thinking of walking, actually.
That's a long way.
Yeah, that's far. I'll take a ride. (CHUCKLES)
No, Sam, you gotta hit the keyboard harder throughout this entire song.
You just can't diddle around the keyboard.
That's why you're having trouble with your girlfriend.
- I don't know what girl likes to be... - Miss LuPone?
- Yes? - Hi, I'm Hannah Horvath.
I'm here from Condé Nast to do your Strenova interview.
Yeah, I canceled that.
Nope, I know you canceled it
just five minutes before we were supposed to do it,
but my boss said that we need to have it in today,
so I called your publicist and she mentioned you were here.
How long is it gonna take?
- Five minutes. - Really?
I would say 15 minutes maximum.
Five to 15 minutes, and then probably 10 minutes just to wrap up.
- Five minutes. - Great.
I don't know if they explained to you,
but this is gonna run in the magazine just like a normal article.
Normal interview with you, picture,
byline, my name, everything, and then at the bottom,
it's just gonna say, "Sponsored by Strenova."
Right, and I have to mention Strenova, right?
I have to mention the bone density drug?
- Yeah, I know it's a little unnatural... - Okay, all right.
- But we'll just find a way to work it in. - Okay.
So, I'm gonna start with some background questions.
- Perfect. - How long have you had osteoporosis?
I don't have osteoporosis.
Okay, well, Strenova's a bone density drug.
Oh, right. Oh, I can't say that.
Yeah, I think we should just find an amount of time
you're comfortable with to say...
- Five years. - Okay, five years.
- Does that make me sound ancient? - Not at all.
I think it honestly sounds like you were an early victim of osteoporosis,
and you started treating it soon enough that you're never gonna have a hunchback.
But can you be an early victim of...
I don't know anything about it.
- You can be an early victim of Alzheimer's... - Right.
...so I don't understand why osteoporosis would be a problem.
You're right.
We're just gonna say that you found it in a routine bone scan
after a hairline fracture in your ankle.
Okay, how did I fracture my ankle?
What's your favorite form of physical exercise?
Sleeping.
Literally no one could relate to that better than me.
I'm the laziest person I've ever met.
Sometimes I just use my chest as a tray,
but the thing is is that I really think
they just wanna get a sense of, like,
all the different ways you take care of yourself,
and Strenova's just one of them.
- Say I walk my dog. - Okay, dog.
And his name?
- Pippin. - Pippin the dog.
- Uh, what is his breed?
Bulldog... French bulldog.
- They're cute. They're really cute. - I'll remember that.
- I don't need to write that down. - (CELL PHONE CHIMING)
I'm sorry, I have to take this call,
- which is very rude. - Okay.
Hello?
Baby.
How was it?
(CHUCKLES) No.
No.
Are you serious?
Oh, my God.
Okay, I'm with Patti LuPone right now.
She's only given me seven minutes, so okay, bye.
I'm so sorry.
That was my boyfriend, and he just got cast
in the revival of Major Barbara on Broadway.
Wow, wow. His first Broadway role.
(EXHALES)
What?
Well, good luck, 'cause I'll tell you what.
He's going to need you to support him
and forgive him,
'cause he's gonna be an asshole.
Hey, bitch, you're taking all the mochi.
Oh, my God. Soo Jin.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hey.
It's been a really long time.
I know, we're grannies.
It's gross.
MARNIE: Well, you look gorgeous.
SOO JIN: You, too, as always, Iades.
Are you still with Booth, or...
Oh, no, no. I mean, he wasn't, like...
Yeah, he's a wiener in a half shell.
I'm so glad I quit. The money was shit anyways.
How about you? I mean, what are you up to now?
Well, I finally said, "Fuck it," and, as of next week,
I, like, seriously DGAF, (SING-SONG) don't give a fuck!
- (CHUCKLES) - I'm opening my own gallery.
Are you serious?
It's been such a fucking whirlwind.
Literally don't have time to breathe,
and I'm dirt-poor now.
- It's so sad. - Well, you went shopping.
Oh, no, this is just a tax write-off.
All my money has been going to the space and the publicity,
and my parents are ready to murder me,
but it's just so freeing to be your own boss, you know?
I have my own architect.
I'm like, "Where did my youth go?"
I'm sure.
Hey, do you have someone helping you?
Because opening an art gallery's, like, really hard.
It's a lot harder than anyone thinks,
and I feel like I see galleries opening and closing
every single day in Bushwick.
Oh, no, mine's in NoHo. Hey, you know what?
You should totally stop by sometime.
I'm really excited for our first show.
It's gonna be super fresh, funky-funny.
Sounds... Yeah, maybe I will.
Bye.
- I'm really proud of you. - Thank you.
Really proud. I just wanted you to know that.
Thanks.
He's not gonna even know you exist.
Not until the show's open, not until he's...
If it runs, you know, it runs for, like, maybe three or four months,
then he's gonna come back down to earth, maybe.
But is he mature?
I'd say in some ways,
he's the most mature person I've ever met,
and in other ways, he has not yet been born.
What are you involved with him for?
Does he even understand Shaw?
I... I understand Shaw.
- You do? - Yeah.
I did a Shaw once. I don't know what the fuck I was talking about.
Because I'll tell you what.
You get inside of a production,
you get inside of a play with a group of actors,
and they have to be intimate, they have to know each other,
because they've had relationships, you know, in the play for maybe years,
so there has to be an intimacy that's created overnight,
and then things happen.
Your boyfriend, if he is sexual in any way,
is gonna start fucking everybody in the building.
And, don't forget, he's gonna have fans.
I don't think he's gonna have fans.
Honestly, he... Can I call you Patti?
He is so funny-looking.
There's a lot of weirdos out there, honey.
You know, the Elephant Man got laid a lot.
HANNAH: Blue Crush was such an important movie for women.
KAREN: Oh, so important.
And for surfers in general, you know?
"So, I'm gonna surf a pipe, dude."
Hannah, do you have that Patti LuPone copy I asked for?
Oh! Um, yes, I'm just transcribing it right now, actually.
Um, well, not right this minute.
Uh, I will have it for you in 50 to 20 minutes.
Great, listen. Um, also, we have something going on with the Gramercy Park Hotel.
"16 reasons we'd love to stay at the Gramercy."
I think you'd be great for it.
Oh, amazing. Definitely.
Thank you so much.
The only thing is, um, they need it by tomorrow,
so can you check in tonight?
Yes. Uh, one question.
Is it against protocol to bring my boyfriend?
'Cause we were planning a little celebration tonight
'cause he actually got cast in a Broadway show.
Broadway, huh? Hmm. Well, have fun.
What the fuck is "have fun" supposed to mean?
I think it just means you should have fun.
That's it.
Or did she mean, like, "Have fun now
"because Broadway is the most seductive of mistresses"?
What? No. Why would it mean that?
I'm sorry. Patti LuPone just really fucked with my head.
I feel crazy.
- WOMAN: Checks, ladies. - Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I think they forgot to take taxes out.
- This does not make sense. - This your first paycheck?
No, this is the right amount.
This is how much money I make a week?
- Yeah. - This is a lot more than my rent!
This is insane. I'm just gonna, like,
walk into a store in the Meatpacking District and just be like, "Make it rain."
(L8 CMMR PLAYING)
Sweet Emma, everybody.
Come get your baby shoes.
Fucking no.
My will-o'-wisp.
What the fuck are you doing here?
Darling, don't be vulgar.
You know I hate it when you're vulgar.
Don't need to be vulgar to make your point.
What a charming situation you have.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Beautiful little Dust Bowl orphan. I love it.
- How on earth did you find me? - I came looking for you.
I walked all the way to the address that you gave me.
I even threw little stones at your window
until some teensy-tiny little moppet opened up,
looked out and said, "Are you there to rape me?"
Oh, Shoshanna. Fucking Shoshanna.
Are you angry with me because it's taken me so long to find you?
Are you insane?
Can you not see how well I'm doing?
I have a job, I eat lunch every day,
and I make transactions and I get paid.
Look at you, Jessamyn. You're trying so hard.
Don't you see that it's just pretend?
- No, no. I'm healthy. - No, no, no.
I'm healthy, and the last thing I need is to be hanging out with you.
You can lie to your friends, you can lie to your parents,
you can lie to the mirror, but you can't lie to me
because I see who you truly are.
Oh, really? And who's that?
You're a wild thing. You can't be tamed.
I mean, we are not the kind of people that sit around in a store like this
selling $200 bathing suits to toddlers.
That's not who we are.
- You're high. - No, no, no.
I'm just excited to be in New York and to see you.
I know what you need. Come away with me. I know what you need.
I'm not even attracted to you.
- Oh, even better. - I would...
- No! - Yes!
(STUTTERS) I was wearing rehab goggles.
Holy crap. This is so nice.
It's not that nice. How much do you get in incidentals?
- What are those? - You need somebody to explain to you
your new moneyed lifestyle, and I'm happy to be that person.
Okay, let's order a bunch of stuff that Adam loves,
then make a big-ass sign.
Just calm down. The room's enough.
But he's gonna be on Broadway.
I know. (SIGHS)
I have to admit, I never thought he'd be the first.
- The first what? - To fulfill his dream.
Well, that's not true.
We've all fulfilled various dreams in various ways.
Also, I'm getting so sick of people
acting like Adam's newfound success in this arena
is gonna come between us.
I didn't say that. Why are you acting weird?
- I could not be acting more normal. - (DOOR OPENS)
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe that you have a room at the Gramercy.
Do you know they have Mario Badescu products in the bathroom here?
I am totally stealing some of those.
What are we celebrating?
- Adam's gonna be on Broadway. - Oh, my God.
Are you afraid he's gonna leave you for Sutton Foster?
Oh.
What the fuck is with everybody?
No.
(DOOR OPENS)
I'm in a shitty mood.
You know, every morning I wake up feeling really good,
feeling like I'm ready to take on the day.
Like, I don't know, I want to fucking say good morning to strangers.
Shit I usually hate.
And then, without fail, something happens at the yogurt shop
that really just fucks my shit up. Ruins my whole day.
By the way, your Netflix came. Bridget Jones 2? Seriously?
MARNIE: Ah.
I can't do this.
What do you mean?
I mean...
I don't want to do this.
Um...
I want a girlfriend, Marnie.
Like, a legitimate girlfriend.
You know, I want to have a relationship that's deep
and sincere and challenging and scary.
Not, you know...
I want it to be real.
I want to meet a girl that I have a lot in common with
and ask her out and learn about her family
on a park bench in the middle of the night.
And if things go really well, maybe invite her back to my place
and put on some Roxy Music.
You know?
So, you're dumping me?
Are you fucking serious?
You can't break up with me, Ray. I don't care about this.
I wouldn't be eating pizza in front of you if I actually liked you.
I realize this doesn't make sense biologically...
Was this your plan the whole time, Ray?
To humiliate the girl that you couldn't get in high school?
Well, guess what? It's not gonna fucking work because I don't care.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hello?
Jesus fucking Christ.
- Hello? - ALL: Congratulations!
Are you fucking... (CHUCKLES)
- You're a nut. - You're a nut for the stage.
- I love you. - Congratulations.
- That's really sweet. - (HANNAH GIGGLES)
Hannah, this is, um, Desi. He's playing...
- Bill Walker? - DESI: Yes.
- You just look like such a Bill Walker. - Thanks.
I'm just a crazy Major Barbara fan
and kind of obsessed with Shaw in general.
Oh, smart girl.
Hi.
- Hey. - Hi, sorry, I recognize you
from your part on One Tree Hill.
You were Lennon, the disabled gay hockey player.
Yes, yeah. Super lucky part.
I'm not what you would call a One Tree Hill fan,
but I have seen every episode,
and you really just are taking up their game a notch. (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS) Thank you. Thanks.
So, I'm in Idaho, back country,
all I have is a saddle blanket,
buck knife, some water I packed in,
and I realize that it's my mom's birthday, right?
Now, I fucked up loads of stuff in my life,
I'm not gonna forget my mom's birthday.
- You wouldn't do that. - You would never do that.
All of a sudden, I see a structure.
Maybe it's a fire tower
or some kind of ranger station, long forgotten.
- I don't understand... - (SHUSHES)
Okay. Okay.
DESI: And just as I get through the door, I almost step on...
Congratulations, Adam. Oh, my God, so exciting.
Are you, uh, okay?
Me? Yeah, so good.
I'm just gonna run to the restroom.
- I'll be right back. - HANNAH: Okay.
Ha! That is a fucking closet.
Okay, I don't know what I'm in trouble for now, but...
So there I am on a sort of vision quest...
(EXHALES)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - HANNAH: Marn?
Come in.
Hey, what's going on?
Nothing.
- Are you sure? - (SNIFFLES) Dead sure.
Okay, what's wrong?
I can't tell you.
(SOBBING)
(DESI SINGING ROLL ON, JOHN)
(SINGING ALONG)
Are they fucking kidding me?
I hate myself for loving him.
(CONTINUES SINGING)
(SINGING ALONG)
(HUMMING)
So after shows, you can really only go, like, two places.
You can go to the Glass House Tavern or you can go to Bar Centrale.
Bar Centrale is really more for, like,
the famous, you know, stars of the show,
and then Glass House is more for, like, the chorus kids.
And also one time I read this interview with Sarah Jessica Parker in Backstage,
and she was saying that it's super important to learn the names of all of the crew.
And, if you can, like, a couple of their wives because it means a lot to those people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, don't you get tired of going to the bar afterwards?
Wouldn't you wanna go home and get some...
No, that's, like, part of the...
I mean, it's where you meet people and stuff.
That's where one time I saw Tyne Daly get super drunk
and fall down a flight of stairs.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Oh, fuck. - I know, right? It's pretty awesome.
Hannah?
You know, your voice is really...
I'm trying to summon the right adjective here.
- Grating? Is that what... - No, come on.
No.
- I love that song. - Oh, yeah.
- I love Michelle Branch. - Dylan.
Yeah, Dylan, too.
I'd love to hear some more of your music.
- Do you write? - Um, yeah. Really, do you...
Absolutely, yeah.
Okay, I, uh... If I give you my e-mail address,
then you can shoot me an e-mail so I have yours,
and then I'll just e-mail you my Dropbox folder of my latest attempts.
See? "Attempts." Don't do that.
Seriously. Don't deprecate yourself.
Really, you're better than that.
Okay.
I don't know if Hannah's told you,
but I'm really trying to make a concerted effort
to break out of the contemporary dance world,
and if you could maybe give me an introduction
to the Broadway world, that'd be great.
I mean, the closest I've gotten is,
you know, a hand job from a guy from Pippin,
- so it's like... Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
Marnface1988@aol.com.
That's me.
All right, I should really hit the trail.
My Clementine's making paella tonight.
- Is that a song? - No, that's like a...
Like a Valencian rice seafood dish.
Oh, it just sounded like a folk song.
I thought they were folk lyrics or something.
"Gotta hit the trail, my Clementine's making paella tonight."
No, that's, like, one of those big four-hander pans,
so I gotta help take it off.
Okay.
Roll on, John.
If you ever need any, you know, help, if you have questions
- about figuring out what's what. - You know, I don't.
I think I'm good.
I don't really want to be a part of the scene.
The Broadway scene?
Any scene.
Well, don't come crying to me
when Kristin Chenoweth passes out 'cause you forgot to feed her.
(DOOR OPENS)
- Here's Johnny! - Yeah!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Hi, I'm Jason. Hi, hi. - Hey.
- Hi, hi. - JESSA: Shosh, so great to (KISSES) see you!
JESSA: Oh, hi. JASPER: I know everybody's name
because she told me.
Buck.
Uh...
- Obadiah. - Yep.
- Uh, Janet. - Mmm-hmm.
- Raquel, Snoop. - Yep.
Hazel. (SNAPS FINGERS) See? Told ya.
- Come on. - Pretty good.
So we maybe shouldn't have taken her out of rehab.
Higher education is elitist horseshit
- perpetrated by a bunch of privileged hacks... - Mmm-hmm.
...who think accumulating degrees amounts to a meaningful life.
I know, I know.
But, like, I am out of there in three weeks.
Like, I am done, I am graduating, I am done with that.
They say they're teaching you to think,
but really they're teaching you to think like everybody else.
I know! I know! It's like, literally, I swear to God,
sometimes I feel like I am in The Truman Show,
but it's, like, really just a walking American Apparel ad
and I don't even know it.
Too late for you, then, poor baby.
- Have you got any cocaine? - No, I don't do cocaine.
But you're clearly on cocaine.
Oh, no, everybody thinks that,
but I just have really chronic congestion
- and, like, a terribly fast mouth. - (WHISTLING)
- (CONTINUES TALKING) - Is this living or is this living, my flower?
- This is living. (CHUCKLES) - Oh!
Uh, have you got more coke?
Have you got more money?
No, but I know where to get some.
- Oh, you do? - Yes! I do, I do, I do.
(ALARM BEEPING)
- (BEEPING STOPS) - Yes! Can you believe I remembered that?
- Okay, okay, okay. - JASPER: You're a legend.
(KEYS CLATTER)
- (RATTLING) - No.
No.
Oh, my God.
Who keeps their money in a shoebox?
We will.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
(SNORTS)
(SNIFFLES)
(GROANS)
Okay, all right, all right.
(SNIFFLES)
Elijah talks a lot about really stupid shit.
Okay, well, maybe that's what I think
about that weird folk-singing grifter you brought over.
- Desi? (LAUGHS) - "Desi"? Yeah.
- What? - Yeah, I found him irksome.
You don't have to say that to get revenge on me.
I'm not gonna say something to get revenge on you.
- This isn't like Count of Monte Cristo. - (CHUCKLES)
I'm so proud of you.
I don't know how to say this without it coming out sounding horrible.
I don't want you
to get so, um...
Happy doing the play that you...
Uh, don't like our life together anymore.
Are you upset I'm doing the play?
No.
I'm so happy you're doing what makes you happy,
because I love you, and you're the only person I've ever loved,
and you're the only person I ever wanna love, so...
Well, ditto.
Okay, good.
Then...
Do your lines.
- (GROANS) No. - Do your lines.
No.
- No. - Please?
- (GROANS) I don't wanna. - Please, please?
"Not that kind of snob, but a genteel sort."
- Can you do it with the accent, please? - "I'm too..."
- "Not that kind of snob, but the genteel sort. - (GASPS)
- No. - "I'm too uppish, owing to my intelligence,
"and my father being a Chartist and a reading, a thinking man,
"a stationer, too.
"I am none of your common hewers of wood and drawers of water.
"And don't you forget it."
- It's so good. - (LAUGHS)
You're so good at that.
(SIMPLETHINGS PLAYING)