(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Grandma's going to die.
What? But I thought it was just a broken femur.
LOREEN: No, now she has pneumonia.
The doctors don't think she's gonna make it.
Well, can't they do something about that?
Hannah, Grandma's dying.
You have to come see her before she dies, if that matters to you.
Of course it matters to me.
Then just get here now.
Okay.
Okay, I'm coming.
I'm really sorry I can't come.
I really understand. It's not a great time to leave town.
I just can't miss the first week of rehearsals.
I think it sets a really bad precedent.
Yeah, I totally get it. I really do.
I just hope I have a chance to say goodbye to my grandma.
It's not like we were that close.
She was a really good grandma,
and she always cut out the Cathy cartoons for me
and mailed them to me on Fridays.
The only thing I remember about my grandma is she had really rough skin and she spit a lot.
My grandma's, like, very neat, and she had skin like a kitten's ear.
(GROANS)
(INHALES SHARPLY)
I miss you even when you're gone for a night.
Yeah, but you're gonna have so much fun with all your new theater friends.
- But I can't do this... - No!
- ...with my theater friends. - (LAUGHS)
- No. - (GRUNTS) Argh!
(GROANS) Oh. Oh.
(WOMAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY ON PA)
- HANNAH: Hi, Aunt Margo. - (GROANS) Oh.
- Thank God you are finally here. - Hey.
I'm losing my fucking mind over all this.
- You okay, Aunt Margo? - (SIGHS)
Am I okay? That's a strange question, Hannah, considering...
No, I'm the one that's gotta keep it all together so that everyone else can fall apart.
Look, just be prepared. She looks terrible.
And for God's sake, please don't cry.
- Okay. - (EXHALES DEEPLY)
(DOOR OPENS)
- Hi. - Hannah.
- Hi, Grandma, hi. - Mmm.
Well, you look nice.
What did you do?
I, uh, gained 15 pounds.
Grandma Flo, you look great.
Well, I don't know why that would be.
And, besides, it stinks to beat the band in here.
It really does. It smells like... Pee?
Can we talk to a nurse about that?
(WHISPERS) Oh. Okay.
Okay, Grandma, how's your femur?
I have two rods in my leg.
Do you believe that?
No, you do not seem like the two-rod type.
Yeah, now they're telling me that I have pneumonia.
Fuck.
Grandma, that's the worst.
I had pneumonia when I was little and I had to watch TV for, like, two weeks.
Well, it's not the same at all when you're my age.
Can you tell me where your femur is so I don't touch it?
Hey, sweetie.
Hi, Mommy! Hey, how's it going?
- Hi. - Hi, Aunt Sissy. Hey.
Oh! It is so great when you all come to visit.
She just lights up like a Christmas tree.
What are you talking about? We're here all the time.
I was here for her last two MRIs.
- Which I wanted to come to... - Exactly.
...but you told me not to.
Well, I honestly don't keep track of the comings and goings of the both of you.
LOREEN: I saw your calendar in the kitchen.
You know what? I must look like a fright.
- Mmm-mmm. - (CHUCKLES)
Dipping your filthy fingers into Mom's only water source isn't gonna fix that.
- Oh, God. - Loreen.
No, I'm fine.
- Oh. - Just didn't feel so great there for a second.
You've barely eaten today.
Hannah, why don't you take your mom somewhere to get something to eat?
Well, she can just eat what's on the tray.
- Honey, let's go have lunch. - Okay, got it.
- LOREEN: Be right back. - Get her a sandwich.
HANNAH: Okay.
Oh, boy.
(VOICE BREAKING) You think that you've accepted
that your mother wasn't that good...
And then you realize that you've always had this hope
that there'd be a conversation
where the two of you would have some kind of breakthrough.
When they die, that conversation can never come.
I don't totally understand what made her such a bad mother.
I mean, like, she was always very loving to me and...
That's not true, not about your weight.
She ruined Margo and Sissy's lives.
They're very misshapen people.
(SIGHS)
Will you do me a huge favor?
Anything.
Will you tell Grandma that you're marrying Adam?
What?
It's just not much is doing romantically with her grandkids.
I mean, Rebecca is severely arrested.
- I love her so much. - But, Mom, I'm not marrying Adam.
She's going to die soon. What does it matter?
(CHUCKLES) Mom, that's insane.
- Just consider it? Please. - Mom, no. No.
Mom, I really thought you were more progressive than that.
No, I'm not.
What are they even talking about in your women's book group?
That's crazy.
Fine.
- Can I eat the rest of this, please? - Mmm.
You never seem to get
that it was inappropriate to tell your cousin
that her father was convicted of insider trading.
- Yeah, but he was. - She didn't need to know.
She was six fucking years old.
Yeah, well, I was seven, so why did anyone tell me?
You insisted. You've always insisted about knowing everything.
And the worst part was when you told her she was never gonna see him again.
But she didn't, um, ever see him again, so...
Sissy, what's with you?
You haven't said a word since we left Mom's room.
I was praying, if you must know.
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
(KNOCKING)
Hey. Hi, Hannah.
- Hey, Rebecca. Hi. - Hmm.
How's Grandma Flo?
Oh, the old Flo-job. You know her, just sluttin' 'round.
I don't think that's a funny nickname for Grandma.
Okay, sorry. I was just really trying to lighten the mood.
Why weren't you at the hospital?
I left because I just want to remember her as she was.
Yeah, totally.
I'm, like, having a lot of memories of her, definitely.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
Okay, well, I think I have to go to a Starbucks to study
because I'm, like, in the middle of exams
and I just, like, can't work here anymore.
Yeah, and Starbucks are usually really, like, calm and quiet places.
(HUFFS)
Great about med school. So exciting. How are the, like, hot doctors-to-be?
I always watch Grey's Anatomy. I've never missed an episode.
I'm not, like, really going there to meet a man.
(CHUCKLES) I actually really hate when people say that
because I feel like it diminishes what I'm doing.
And, like, I'm becoming a doctor myself, I'm not trying to marry one.
Like, I'm not becoming a nurse.
- Do you know? - Okay, sorry.
I didn't mean to make your life ridiculous and about sex.
We really are very proud of you.
It's, like, a big deal to have a doctor in your family.
And, anyway, now I'm fulfilling my dream of having someone I can text
with my medical questions at all hours.
I'm not really studying 15 hours a day to fulfill your dream.
It's a lot of really hard work,
but I guess I wouldn't expect anyone in this family to understand that. (SCOFFS)
Um, if nothing happens later, do you want to go get a drink?
Do you want to get a drink with me?
Yeah, that's why I'm asking you.
Sorry, but you're just not really acting
like I'm someone you'd want to get a drink with.
Um, no, it's really not about you.
I just, like, have a lot of studying to do
and I'm kind of on a schedule and I feel like maybe you're not...
Sure, let's definitely have a drink.
- Yeah, okay. - Okay.
- Okay, so I'll see you later? - Yes, a drink. Yes, yeah.
- Okay, all right, bye. - Bye.
(WHISPERS) Bitch.
Okay, one for you,
one OxyContin for you, one for me.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
- Does anyone want some Demerol? - (PILLS CLATTER)
She fucking has Demerol?
Can I have more of the Demerol? It's for Joe's knee.
I think you need to lay off, Sissy.
You're a little spacey.
Oh, "Sissy spacey." That's so funny.
You know, I have been giving her her drugs this whole time.
I know how to administer OxyContin.
I know. Why don't you just take a rest?
- I mean, we're here now. We... We got this. - (GASPS)
All right, let's put some more Post-its on things.
Mmm. I have somebody great that can do the estate sale.
You know what? I don't want anything.
- You don't want anything? - No.
Okay.
I mean, I know you always loved that painting with the snow on it.
It doesn't matter. She's going to be gone.
- It doesn't matter. - Oh, just put a Post-it on something.
Well, okay, fine. I'll just take the ring.
- What? - LOREEN: Which ring?
SISSY: The engagement ring.
Well, that's all I'm asking for. I'm not asking for anything else.
That is a family heirloom.
- We have daughters. - We need to pass that on.
Like I wouldn't pass it on to one of the daughters.
- That is Rebecca's ring. - What?
So because I don't have children, I don't deserve a ring?
You know, when Jerry Milburn didn't show up for my prom...
BOTH: (SIGHING) Oh, Jesus.
...Mom promised me that ring. She did.
- MARGO: Oh, stop. So dramatic. - (SIGHS)
ADAM: (OVER PHONE) Is your mom okay?
HANNAH: Yeah, I mean, she's fine. I mean, like, sad but fine.
You know, it's some, like, real Circle-of-Life shit, so...
Hey, weird thing...
- Uh, my mom wants me to tell my grandma... - Yeah?
...that we are getting married. (CHUCKLES)
What?
You know, she just wants me to make her happy before she dies
by letting her know that one of her grandchildren is gonna have a good life.
I mean, like, you know, a good life by her standards.
Why would she want you to lie?
Well, it's not, like, a flat-out lie.
Well, but we're not getting married.
Do you mean, like, ever, or...
Uh... Do you want to?
Uh, no. I always promised myself I wouldn't get married
until I had a swimming pool in my living room.
But I just felt like, at some point,
I don't know, I thought that it was something...
Hey, we're back in.
- ...that you were thinking about, too. - She wants to read Act 2.
Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. Cool, thanks. Thanks.
I have to get back.
Okay, just forget we ever talked about this.
Okay...
I guess I just thought that you were thinking about this
in a more committed way, so I'm feeling a little, like...
I am. I am very committed to you at this time.
Okay, this is a conversation that I never, ever wanted to have,
and it might seem like I was angling to have it,
but I really was not, and it's making me extremely stressed
and a little angry for reasons I don't understand,
so I actually have to go now. Bye.
Motherfuck.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(GROANS) Blah!
You see, this is why I started my advocacy group for the childless.
I have the oldest granddaughter.
That's who gets the ring. That's who gets the ring.
- Oh! What, are you kidding? That's medieval! - No.
(SIGHS) Can we just table this for a second and move on?
MARGO: What is Hannah gonna do with an engagement ring?
She is going to wear it on her fucking finger
- when she gets engaged. - Oh.
She's practically engaged now.
- (SIGHS) - Rebecca doesn't even have a boyfriend.
- Oh, really? You... - This is stupid. Our mother is dying.
This is dumb.
Hey.
Wow, don't you look all fancy?
Oh, thanks. I'm just going out with Rebecca.
Uh, Rebecca's studying. She can't.
Well, she invited me, so I don't know.
(LOREEN HUFFS)
I just love that.
(SIGHS)
(CLATTERS)
- (LAUGHTER) - (ROCK SONG PLAYING)
Are you sure I can't get you a drink?
Yeah, I don't drink on weeknights.
Then why did you want to go to a bar?
Because I feel like a bar is the right place to go with a person like you.
A person like me?
Rebecca, I don't know if you even know this, but you're very rude to me.
You have been ever since we were little kids.
You mean since you told me the "truth" about my father?
Oh, come on. Do you really think you would've avoided knowing otherwise?
He insider traded, okay? It wasn't like he sex trafficked.
Okay, well, I...
(GROANS) I don't have very many friends.
Well, I wish that surprised me more.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's actually okay. I don't really have any time for friends.
I have a boyfriend. His name's Dane.
- Hot name. - Thanks.
- Is he nice, or... - Yeah, he's great.
He only wants to see each other on Wednesdays,
so I'm missing our night this week, but...
Well, what does he do on the other nights?
Uh, he has a different girlfriend.
Are you fucking serious, Rebecca?
- That's horrible. - No, it actually works really well.
I mean, I don't have a lot of time, so...
Okay.
Anyway, he's better than my other boyfriend.
Rick was a writer, and he just, like, made everything about himself,
and he was exhausting to be around,
and it just made me realize that writers
are, like, (SCOFFS) this ridiculous class of people
who just make everything about themselves,
and they tend to have really strange, bizarre eating habits...
Rebecca, if you hate me so much, then why did you want to hang out with me?
I don't know. I just thought it would be fun.
I would really like it if we could be the kind of cousins
who, like, spend time together and sleep in the same bed in the summertime,
and, you know, jump in a lake and have inside jokes about our grandmother
and were molested by the same person, but we're not.
We do not get along.
I really respect you, but even Grandma says you don't have a great sense of humor.
Do you think you're that funny? You're not that funny.
Well, that's crazy.
I didn't even know that your work was, like, trying to be funny.
That's because I sent you the less funny pieces
because I know you're not funny so you wouldn't understand my funnier stuff.
Why would I have to be funny to understand them?
I just knew that if I sent you my funny stuff, you'd be like, "What is this, Martian?"
You don't understand funny.
Oh, okay, well, Grandma also said behind your back
that she thought you were loose.
That's what she said to me, so...
(SIGHS)
I don't want to fight with you, okay? I respect you. I do.
Oh, really? Is that why you made me touch my chachi with you?
(CHUCKLES) Wait, what?
When we were seven, you made me sit in a room and touch my chachi.
Wait, does "chachi" mean what I think it means?
- Yes. - 'Cause I never did that.
You said you'd learned a cool new trick
and we should both lie under the covers and touch ourselves for...
- I never said that! I never did that! - Yes, you did!
- Oh, my God, I can't believe you. - (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
"Chachi"?
Do not check your texts while we drive.
It's Mom. Grandma has a fever.
Well, we're almost there so don't answer her. You're gonna be a doctor
and you don't know how fucked up it is to check your texts while we drive?
Oh, my God, I'm just texting my mom to tell her that we are almost there.
- Let me answer it for you. - No, I don't want you touching my phone!
Oh, you don't want me touching your phone
with my fucking chachi hands?
- Is that the fucking problem? - Yes, that's exactly right.
- Yes, that is exactly right. - There is chachi all over my hands.
Ew! Get off of me.
- You're disgusting. - HANNAH: You're insane.
- (BOTH SCREAM) - (CRASHES)
- (WOMAN TALKING OVER PA) - (ELEVATOR DINGS)
(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)
- What did you do? - How'd you get here so fast?
I borrowed Desi's motorcycle. What happened?
Okay, don't only text me "car crash," okay?
- Scared the shit out of me. - Okay, I'm sorry.
- (ELEVATOR DINGS) - Mmm.
- Careful of my head. - I've got some mother hens following me.
LOREEN: Oh, my baby.
- Oh! - Shit.
Oh, holy fucking shit. What the fuck happened?
What the fuck did you do?
- What did I do? She was the one driving. - (SIGHS)
- We're fine. - Hmm. We're fine.
(WHISPERS) But you are fucking crazy.
- How's Grandma? - Her fever has spiked.
She's resting, but it's not good.
Actually, I have something to bring up now regarding Mom...
- What? - ...which is if she does slip into a coma,
she has made it very clear to me that she would like us to let her go naturally.
You mean unplug her life support?
Well, sweetheart, to give her a different kind of life support.
The support to help her end her life peacefully.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No, I'm not kidding you.
Is that why you didn't take anything from the house?
Because you knew soon enough Mom would be dead
and it would all be yours?
Oh, my God, that is a filthy
- and ludicrous thing to say. - (LAUGHS) Oh, is it?
- LOREEN: Margo, shut up, please. - Oh, you shut up.
Loreen, you're not fucking Switzerland.
Tell us what you really think.
I think that you both resent me
because my life is in order and my marriage is intact.
Oh! Oh! I am deeply in love with Joe and we do not need a marriage license.
LOREEN: Joe has a plate in his head, and you can tell.
MARGO: No, you're right, Loreen.
We are eating ourselves up inside because you nabbed Tad Horvath.
Tad Horvath, catch of the fucking century.
Body like a little gymnast, brain like a toy poodle.
Don't talk to me about my husband.
You think you'd be with Gary if he wasn't pulling in six figures?
Oh! Why did Mom say that Sissy gets the fucking house?
- What? - Because you already have a house.
Oh, well, maybe you would, too, if you would get a goddamn job.
Our mother is upstairs naked and dying.
She is naked and dying!
- Do you even know what that looks like? - NURSE: Please!
- I don't want to kill Mommy! - You have got to be quiet.
I'd love to be quiet. Not an option with these two.
Shut up, Margo.
- You shut up, Loreen! - No, you shut up.
- You both shut up! Just shut up! - (ARGUING)
Guys, please...
- NURSE: You're leaving the floor now. - Mom is...
Don't you dare.
- (HUFFS) - (SISSY CRYING)
I am so sorry you had to see that.
No, it's like enchilada night at my parents' house.
(LAUGHS)
Let me go fix this.
Hi.
Hey.
Well... I have to pee.
That's my boyfriend.
- He's nice. - Thanks.
Come on.
(MONITOR BEEPING)
- Hey, Grandma, Grandma. - Hmm.
- I thought we should go. - No, she wants to meet you.
She wants to meet you. Grandma, Grandma, Grandma.
- Hannah. - Hi.
This is my boyfriend, Adam.
I'm not really up to meeting anybody new.
- Okay, nice to meet you! - I'm not deaf.
Oh, sorry. I'm a... A loud person.
- Hannah? - Mmm-hmm.
I really don't want to talk to strangers right now.
Okay, I just thought...
Well, Hannah and I are getting married.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No, I'm... - Next year.
Well, that's nice.
Yeah, we're pretty happy about it.
- We're excited to finally lock it down. - Mmm-hmm. Yep.
- Have you got a good job? - Yes, I'm an actor.
He's an actor, Grandma. He's an actor on Broadway, so not just...
Well, here's what I have to say about being married.
Okay.
Someday you will look at him, hating him with every fiber of your being,
wishing that he would die the most violent death possible.
It will pass.
Oh. Loreen.
Hannah's getting married.
But I won't be there.
He finally did it.
And we're happy.
HANNAH: Old maid no more.
Thank you both so much.
- Oh, yeah, no sweat. She's cool as shit. - Mmm-hmm.
She's a tough one.
I'm just glad she's not in any pain.
(INHALES SHARPLY) Well, I'm glad I got to meet her.
I have to head back to the city. I have rehearsal tomorrow.
Oh, yeah, congratulations.
Oh, thanks, yeah. Thanks. (CHUCKLES)
- Okay, bye. - I love you.
- Love you, too. - (KISSES)
- Bye. - Oh, uh...
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - Break a leg.
- All right. - (CHUCKLES)
- Text me when you get home, okay? - Yep!
He's a good dude.
I guess if Grandma lives, we're gonna have to get married.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Yeah, keep the job, not the guy, right?
- Wait, what? - You know.
You're so special.
You deserve everything and more.
He's really nice, but...
You know, stay open to possibilities.
Mom, how dare you talk about something you know literally nothing about?
Uh, no, you're right. I don't know him very well.
- I see certain things. - Uh-huh.
He's odd, he's angry.
He's uncomfortable in his own skin.
He bounces around from thing to thing.
- Again, you have no idea... - Just... No, no, no. Let me talk.
I don't want you to spend your whole life socializing him like he's a stray dog,
making the world a friendlier place for him.
It's not easy being married to an odd man.
It isn't.
Well...
I don't know what to say.
He just did something very nice for you and you're being very unkind.
Sorry.
(SIGHS)
(DON'T SAY PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
- NURSE: Your granddaughter, of course. - (ALL LAUGHING)
NURSE: You must be the granddaughter we're talking about.
- Doesn't Grandma seem like her old self? - Mmm-hmm.
She's doing much better.
- My girl's doing fine today. - (CHUCKLES)
See, that's so cool. You're her girl.
NURSE: She beat her pneumonia.
The doctor was very pleased about this this morning.
Mom, I am... I don't know what to say.
It's a miracle.
I ate one cheese sandwich and I'd like another.
- Yay! - Stat, right?
- (GRANDMA CHUCKLES) - Cheese sandwich, stat.
You know, we should have an old-fashioned Easter next year.
I don't love Easter. I don't like what it stands for.
But we have to be closer. It's not right.
(SIGHS) We have to be.
You know what, Sissy? You're right.
- Yeah. I can travel. - You are.
I mean, I barely know your daughters, for God's sake.
And Rebecca's a very good influence on Hannah.
As long as she doesn't drive.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Ah, Hannah, you don't look good.
No, I'm fine.
I mean, I'm just so glad you're okay and that the doctors were wrong.
People aren't always right.
(LAUGHS)
No, people aren't always right.
Your hands are so soft, Grandma. I don't know what your secret is.
Hand lotion.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(CELLPHONE VIBRATES)
- Hey, Rebecca. - REBECCA: Hannah, Grandma's dead.
What?
She had a heart attack just now. She's dead, Hannah.
No, she's not. She ate two cheese sandwiches.
You have to come back up here.
I'm already off the train. I'm back in the city.
Well, get back on the train. Everyone's on their way.
Hurry. Bye.
(CELLPHONE CLICKS)
(DON'T LET US GET SICK PLAYING)