To our daughter Hannah...
Let's wait until he gets here.
I can't wait. I'm too overwhelmed with emotion.
So sweet, Daddy.
To our daughter, Hannah.
Slow to grow, but...
Oh...
How beautiful is the blossom.
We're so very proud of your achievements,
your artistry, and your warm, open heart.
Thank you. Hey, can I get some fries,
- when you get a chance? - Fries, please?
You don't need any fries.
I'll share.
It's Friday, so...
Uh...
To our daughter, Hannah Helene...
That is me.
...who smiled when she first came out of the womb.
- And then sneezed. - And then sneezed.
That's right, you sneezed.
No, I didn't!
Yes, you sneezed one great big sneeze.
"I have allergies."
Well, I want to toast both of you
for the massive amounts of love and support that you have shown me
in the four years since I graduated from college.
And I just want to say that even in the moments
when, superficially, it didn't seem like you were supporting me
and it seemed like you were criticizing my choices
and doubting my talent,
I know that you were supporting me in your own way.
- So, that means a lot. - Thanks, sweetie.
- I'm so sorry I'm late. - Hey, Adam!
- Hey, big guy. - How was your audition?
Fuckin' shitty. Apparently they meant more like Tour de France biker.
I'm gonna rip my agent a new eyehole.
- Hi. - Hi.
He has a really, really great new agent.
She is now representing him along with many other great actors
like Norman Reedus from The Walking Dead.
She just can't read English.
You know Norman Reedus?
Tad was just toasting Hannah.
We want her to know how proud we are of this adventure
she's embarking on.
To Hannah.
Yes.
Taking the next step in a series of random steps.
How strange our journey is through life?
You know, we try and inject it with meaning, but at the end of the day,
all we have are days
marching on.
- That's very cool, Adam. - Cool?
Congratulations and mazel tov.
To lowa.
Sometimes it feels like nothing,
a total numbness,
and sometimes it feels like the coldest rain
is going to keep falling down on you forever.
Living your life with depression
is like trying to walk a mile in mud.
We all need a little help sometimes to change the weather.
Torpica,
because you deserve the sun.
Ask your doctor if Torpica is right for you.
Side effects may include...
Okay, you're really good.
What?
It's fuckin' heinous!
They cut shit out that made it a cohesive story.
Yeah, I mean, it's a commercial,
but you were really good.
Can't believe I fuckin' shaved for that shit!
Okay, listen. It was a job, okay?
And no one is even gonna remember this in two months.
Someone already came up to me in the subway and was like,
"Hey, I couldn't get my dick hard on Torpica."
I'm sorry, but people have to work.
You took a job. It's fine.
I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry I can't tell you exactly what weekend
I'm coming home to visit, okay?
That's okay.
I mean, I know it's okay.
I just feel like the whole separation thing
would be easier if we, you know, had a clear-cut plan.
No, it's fine. With cell phones and modern communication,
we're gonna talk, like, 10 times tomorrow.
It's all good. It's all fluid. We'll take it day by day.
There's no need to create some drama.
Okay.
Oh, my God, that's so good.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I love that.
I love you, too.
All right, you are all set.
You're gonna be getting your diploma in the mail
in about six to eight weeks.
Thank you.
Okay, smile, my honey.
- Well, you missed it. - I missed it? I missed what?
No, you didn't. You didn't miss anything. There's nothing to miss.
I don't get my diploma for, like, a month.
Which address did you give them, Shoshy?
I think she gave them mine.
Mel Shapiro?
We're both Mel Shapiro.
It's Melvin and Melanie.
Mel Shapiro, 25 Eden Manor Way.
Ah, I told you. She gave them mine.
- Well, can we get two copies? - We don't need two copies.
Why did you want your father to get it first?
- Be honest with me. - I just...
Don't bullshit me.
I'm not bullshitting.
It's just where the bills go, so I assumed he should get it.
Excuse me, I live in a gated community and I have very responsible security
which will make sure that it won't be misplaced.
Well, I have Kevin and he works from home.
Kevin works?
Yeah, I don't have to defend him to you.
I have never mishandled a package since I married him and that is a fact.
Okay, seriously, you guys, there's nothing special about today.
I'm not even walking in the processional
or wearing a hat, so can we please just go?
Will you get a picture of us three, please?
Why would you want that?
It's not for me, it's for Shoshy. She would like it.
I don't want it.
Why don't you want it? You're out of your mind!
You're gonna look back on this moment and you're gonna regret it
because it's a good thing to document, to remember you did something.
- She doesn't want a picture. - She accomplished something.
I worked hard and I paid for this.
Beedie!
Krasner's gonna be fine.
He swallowed a bobby pin, which affected his gallbladder.
I think that's what they said.
Do you know I got enough pastrami
to feed all of fucking Brighton Beach?
Where you at, thug?
Oh. Physical therapist. You aren't supposed to be here till 6:00.
She still has to eat and have lunch.
No.
I'm her daughter.
Oh, my God. Uh, Rickie, right?
Oh, my God. I've heard so much about you.
How was Argentina?
I know what happened, dumbass.
What are you talking about?
She had to have her stomach pumped, all right?
You lied to the police and she could've died.
Where is Beedie?
She's getting packed, okay?
She's coming to live with me in Connecticut.
And she doesn't want me to call the police, so I won't,
but what you did was "unconscible," all right?
"Unconscible." It was "unconscible."
I can't say that word.
What you did fucking sucked.
You really are a piece of shit.
I did what she asked me to do.
Fuck you.
You really need to figure some shit out.
- No, can you just give me one second? - Honestly.
Please let me just gather my thoughts. I'm like...
You know, I'm not that much older than you
and all my friends have it together.
But every time I meet someone five or more years younger than me,
they are a complete asshole.
Is it because you were told you were special
one too many times and, what, you believed it?
Because when my generation
and every generation before me were called special,
we were smart enough to know it meant that we were stupid,
so it made us work that much harder to stop being stupid.
I'm ready to go now.
Beedie, what is going on?
Please don't go.
Jess, we got ourselves into far too much trouble.
What do you mean?
Well, we practically robbed a bank.
We did, pretty much.
We could have, at least.
Best friends reunited.
Please listen to me.
You cannot go to Connecticut.
You will die there.
I have to go.
You're so special. You're so full of contradictions.
And you're so beautiful and then you're so ugly.
- Yeah, thanks. - No, I just adore you. You just...
You really took care of me.
I tried.
- You're an old bitch sometimes, but you... - Will you shut up?
- At least I tried. - I tried.
You beautiful thing.
Tell me you love me more than her.
I love you more than her.
Is that really heavy, baby?
- Yeah. - Let me help you with that.
I cannot believe we got that done so early.
It's not early. You leave tomorrow.
Yeah, but I don't usually, like, pack.
I usually leave my crap in a pile
and just hope it somehow makes it to where I'm going.
I'm sorry that we have to go to this Marnie-Desi gig
or whatever horror show.
All time with you is great.
No piece of time is more valuable than another.
We are here together right now.
Okay.
- The girl in the store said... - That's what you do.
Okay, well, I have a little powder if you need to...
I don't... We have different color faces.
You know, they have these pieces now you can put in just to fluff it up.
I don't need any extra hair. I have plenty of hair.
Hi!
Hannah! What's up?
Hey, Shosh. How's it goin'?
- Hi! - Hi!
- How are you? - Good.
I can never get this where I want it to be.
- Hey. - I can...
Hey!
Mon amour.
- Hi. - Hey.
Mmm.
Listen, I'm gonna run and pee before we start.
I got us a table right there.
Hey, Clementine.
Hey, Marnie.
Um...
Listen, I feel like I need...
No, no, me first, please.
Okay.
I'm so sorry.
I was possessed talking to you like that.
I'm not even a jealous person. I think that I was just maybe threatened
by the musical connection you guys share
and scared that I would lose him, which is crazy.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry that I gave you the impression
that I was even almost remotely capable of doing something like that.
Anyway, thank you for saying that.
Well, break a leg, lady.
Oh, thanks, girl.
- So, see you after. - Sure will.
- Those your underwear? - This is fascinating.
Yeah, I always try to keep clean.
You're competing with guys who are a completely different physical type than you.
Like, you're auditioning with Zachary Quinto
or Armie Hammer, even.
Well, I don't really know names, but, yeah, definitely. It's intense.
It's the first time I ever looked at myself in the mirror
and maybe wished something was different.
Not my dick or anything, but, like, my forehead.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
Yo, necrophiliacs.
Hey, what's up?
Hi.
Aunt Mel and Uncle Mel say hi.
Both of my parents are named Mel.
It's the worst thing that ever happened to me.
And it was, like, the first thing that ever happened to me.
Let me take a picture. One sec.
Okay. Oh, wait.
- I was trying to reach you all of yesterday. - Oh, yeah?
Hold on.
Yeah, 'cause I'm leaving tomorrow
and I was thinking you might wanna, I don't know, hang out.
Mmm, yeah, maybe.
So cute.
But it would have had to happen already because I'm leaving tomorrow.
Mmm, darn.
I'm gonna pee.
Excuse me.
You made the choice you need to survive.
Everyone's path will unwind just right.
Everyone's path will unwind... Hey.
- Hey. - I was just, um...
Doing your freaky obsessive voodoo shit?
I know. Jesus, you're weird.
I feel like Adam is upstairs putting on this really brave face for me,
but the minute I leave tomorrow, he's just gonna fall apart.
Don't flatter yourself, please.
Okay, you've actually been really mean today.
I'm not being mean.
I'm... Well, I'm being the exact right amount of mean considering.
- Considering what? - Considering it's certainly hypocritical of you
to leave right after you told me I need to come back to New York
and stay for good.
But, Jessa, I'm going...
You're pussying out on this whole thing.
The thing that we're all trying to do,
which is to make it work, regardless of location,
right where we are.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way...
You know what else is pussy?
What?
You don't even have the bravery to break up with Adam.
I don't want to break up with Adam.
If you want to be alone, be alone.
No one's gonna be angry about that.
You seem mad at me.
No, no, I'm not mad at you.
I could give a shit. You know?
I mean, Jesus. Don't make a big deal out of it.
- Hi, little ones. - She bangs, she bangs.
Right back at ya, Marnie's mom.
Uh-huh.
I woke up in Harlem smelling like moussaka
and I didn't have time to go home and change.
There's a lot of really exciting things happening above 125th Street
that I'm very happy to know about.
I stopped at the First Corinthians Church for a musical interlude
and then on my way downtown, I rescued a kitten.
- Aw. - Oh, where is it?
Elijah?
Hi, Pal.
Um...
Hey.
Hey. You look good.
I'm just here brunching with the Lisas.
You are so not gonna be tallying your booze points.
- Vodka has no points. - Yeah, keep telling yourself that.
No, my bikini waxer told me that vodka...
They're like the laziest bulimics you've ever met.
Okay...
We are Desi and Marnie.
Um, or are we Marnie and Desi?
We'll talk about that later, sir.
And this is our newest ditty.
I don't wanna dream if dreaming is without you
I don't want to run unless I'm running towards you
Every single thing I do is all about you
- Every thought I have - Whoo!
I'm thinking what you might do
I can't pretend that I'm fine without you anymore
Because I don't wanna live
if I'm not living for you
Now you are my king and know that I adore you
Hold on, don't let go...
Oh, my God. It's so exciting.
'Cause there is something that you need to know
- Hey. - Yo.
- Hi. - How goes it?
Swimmingly, thank you. And how are you?
I graduated today.
No, like, pomp or circumstance or whatever.
I just, you know, finished my degree
and now I'm just, like, in the world,
trying to get 'er done, you know?
Welcome to the world. Congratulations.
It's a nice world.
I really didn't want to see Marnie singing today, actually,
because female folk singers remind me of being carsick
when I was little,
but, I thought that maybe I would see you
and I wanted to say that I'm sorry.
For what?
For, like, trying to manipulate you
into being in a relationship with me again.
I just was in a really bad circle
that I had drawn for myself
and I tried to drag you into that and that was not fair.
It was very uncool.
Well, I appreciate you saying all that.
Honestly, too, you, like,
totally picked the best one of my friends to bone
because I never really liked Marnie.
How fortuitous.
Oh.
Ooh.
Okay.
Um, later. Later, gator.
Okay, bye.
I'm not ever leaving
I'm standing outside till you see me
I rode here so fast
And if I'm breathless you're the reason
Breathless is the title of the song.
Oh, oh
Yeah
Oh, oh
Yeah
Oh, oh
Thank you, guys. We're so psyched to be here.
Believe it or not, this is our first jazz brunch.
Obviously we're not playing jazz,
but we love brunch.
And if you guys are really lucky, maybe I'll scat for you.
Do a little rap.
Please don't.
Um, so this next one is...
It's new and it's something I wrote for a friend of mine
who is going away.
She's gonna do so great.
It's called Onward and Inward.
Tag, you're it!
Onward and inward journey continues
Deeper and darker I'll always be with you
Whoa-oh
Goodbye, friend
What are you thinking about?
I'll be watching Watching you from behind
I'm just listening.
Watching for the rest of time
Yeah, the maze of our future?
'Cause that's what I'm thinking about.
And love is a trick that we play on ourselves
But my love waits all alone on a shelf
And fears of laugh...
Of...
Okay, let's just hope she doesn't quit her day job
as the face of Eddie Bauer.
Mommy, make her stop singing!
This is not gonna end well.
Stop!
Hey, brother, that's not cool, bro.
All right? Be respectful.
- She's trying to sing. - Am I doing something wrong?
Stop, Marnie, stop.
People aren't even paying attention. They're not even listening.
That's crazy. They're into it. It's just a couple kids.
You know what? Fuck this. I'm sorry.
Um, we'll be right back.
This might be a good time to talk with your loved ones
about respect and about how your behavior affects other people, et cetera.
Marnie.
Oh, God. There's no point.
There's no point in what?
Sharing my music.
They were being so fucking mean.
They were laughing at me.
Some of those songs are about death.
Marnie, this business is not for sissy bitches.
What?
The crying, the shaking...
I mean, you've gotta give it a fuckin' rest.
Elijah, where are your manners?
Look, honey, if you want to do this,
you've gotta thicken your skin, okay?
You should have stopped giving a fuck when you got on that stage.
What do Judy Garland and Lady Gaga have in common?
- They're both white? - No.
They're both bad bitches
who don't give a fuck what people think.
They were told that they weren't thin enough,
that they weren't feminine enough,
that they weren't beautiful enough.
And then Judy went and died 'cause it all became too much.
But Lady Gaga's fine.
Be well, Elijah.
Oh, and, uh, Marnie,
you are so talented.
Have you ever thought about being a background artist?
Because I have a friend at Central Casting
and she's always looking for people to be, like,
you know, in a Good Wife courtroom scene.
Or like SVU victim.
You'd be an amazing victim.
Bye.
So nice to meet you.
I'm glad we broke up!
What a little fuckin' dick.
You know what? New York is such bullshit.
If we lived anywhere else, I would never have to worry about seeing him
because he would have already killed himself for being so small and gay.
I can't believe Marnie left without saying goodbye.
Maybe she had another jazz lunch.
Are you sure it's okay that I'm leaving all this stuff here?
Yeah, it's your apartment.
Yeah, but I'm not gonna be living here or paying rent,
so you get to make some decisions.
Hmm.
I like being amongst your stuff.
You know I'm shit on the phone, right?
You're asking if I know if you're shit on the phone?
You take so many pauses that I think you've hung up
and the only way you respond is, like, with this long groan.
Just like...
You're terrible at the phone.
Do you want to go over the plan again?
The plan is...
There is no plan.
That works for me.
As a plan.
It's a plan, then.
Okay.
Jesus fucking shit.
Mom, I will be right out, okay?
- Adam is sleeping. - No, it's me.
What are you doing here? It's 6:00 a.m.
Did you really think you were gonna leave without me saying goodbye?
Well, I couldn't find you after the gig anywhere.
That place was a shit show.
That's the last time I do a jazz brunch.
I can't get my fucking suitcase closed.
Have you tried sitting on it?
It's a volume thing and it has to be equally distributed,
so you have to make sure while you're packing
that you actually stack them full...
I think a vase just broke underneath me.
A vase?
You put a vase in the suitcase?
Hey.
Hey, party freaks.
Are you serious with that hat?
- Yes. - Marnie came to pack?
That's so sweet. What a friend, right?
A good pal.
Hannah, could you lend a hand here?
Hey, Marnie, don't cry.
I'm gonna text you in, like, two seconds.
I love you.
Let's wait to get gas in an hour.
No, let's not wait to get gas. We only...
No, no, no, I'm gonna have to pee in about an hour.
- Well, why can't you pee now? - 'Cause I don't have to pee now.
We've only got a quarter of a tank.
No, I'm gonna have to pee in an hour, so let's just wait.
Hannah might want a snack.
I've got a whole bag of Fig Newtons.
- She loves 'em. - Wow, there you go. Fig Newtons.