Okay, the free time is mind-boggling.
I have class once a week, and then the rest of the week is just mine
to do whatever I want with,
so it's like I'm doing, kind of, like, home economics stuff.
I made these brownies myself
from scratch using just a mix.
And they're good.
Did you find me my Amish bonnet yet?
No, people here are technically Mennonites, they're not Amish,
so it's actually pretty offensive to switch the terms.
I'm off to Java House to meet Trad for an espresso.
Okay, then you'll come back to watch
The Torkelsons marathon with me on TeenNick?
Aw, that sounds so fun, but you know what?
I've gotta pop across the river
and help DeDe put the finishing touches on her chapbook.
And then I've gotta go check on Rafe.
But we're gonna go to that poet party tonight, right?
I mean, what other choice do I have in this fuckin' one-horse town?
There's literally nothing to do.
- Bye. - Bye, lovey.
Oh. Hi, Jessa.
Oh, hey.
I see you haven't backed off on the self-tanner.
Still see you're wearing that same sad kimono.
Bye.
Um, so, have you been writing a lot lately?
Yeah, I mean, yeah.
Right now I'm in a more pre-writing phase, but it's all happening or will happen.
Um... What have you heard from Adam?
Have you talked to him?
No, not really.
Uh, briefly this morning.
But before that,
maybe once or twice yesterday
and then otherwise just at AA
every single fucking day for the rest of my life.
Okay, well, that's sort of a lot of time.
Does he ever mention me? Or...
Um, no.
Well, that's good 'cause I actually... I hadn't thought of him till just now.
You said something else that started with the letter "A"
and it made me think of Adam and how he was doing.
Also made me think of apples.
Jessa!
Oh, for crying sweet Jesus.
Nice, nice.
I mean, it actually does look nice.
No, but see, it's not just about sex.
We text "good night."
I met his cousin.
He, like, puts his hand on my butt when we're waiting in line at Starbucks.
He makes me look at him when he comes.
Okay, bottom line, as long as he's with Clementine,
you are not his priority.
And you are definitely, definitely not in any kind of relationship.
But I'm not the mistress.
You are 1,000% the mistress.
Not if I end up with him, I'm not.
Fuck, I could've sold this to Yusef last weekend.
His situation with Clementine is really fucking complicated.
She's got, like, this autoimmune illness
where she gets fevers and rashes.
I mean, it's weird. He has to be very careful not to upset her.
It could, like, endanger her health.
- "Fevers and rashes"? - Yes.
- Bullshit. - It's not bullshit.
- Bullshit! - He's really worked up about this.
- It's hard for him. - This guy has it made in the shade.
He's got a bungalow on easy street where he has his cake and he eats it, too.
Do you understand? The man's a Svengali, okay?
He's a Casanova who counts cards secretly while he's got four queens up the sleeve.
He is not to be trusted.
I don't know.
Do you think maybe this is just, like, cosmic retribution
for what we did to Shoshanna?
Putting aside my disdain for the injection of witchcraft
into a conversation that was previously tethered by logic and reason,
no, I don't think that's what's happening here.
Yeah, you're right. I'm way more upset than she ever was.
Look, even if this knot were to somehow untangle itself,
even if he were to jettison her,
make a host of sweeping promises to you,
hop on a white horse, gallop to your place with a truckload of roses...
Even if he did all that, I still don't think you should be with this guy.
Is it 'cause he called you a hepcat that one time?
Because anyone who would treat you this way is selfish and a coward.
And we've already established he has one massive character flaw,
which is that he hasn't chosen you.
- Is this okay? - Yeah.
Okay.
And finally, if all goes well, your responsibilities might include
allocating trend jewelry,
and helping us implement our cardigan story for spring.
Oh, my God, I love cardigans, first of all.
Um, also, I really don't want to boast,
but I'm a little bit of an expert when it comes to trend jewelry.
- And maybe, like, trends in general. - Perfect, perfect. Just perfect.
Well, now that I've done my little dog and pony show,
do you have any questions for me?
Um, not really. This interview was super informative.
And fun.
Right? Am I crazy to say that?
No, it was totally fun. It was so fun.
I feel like we were, like, totally just grabbing drinks...
- Totally. - ...like we were best friends
- and we were talking about boys. - Oh, my God, I love it.
Listen, Shoshanna, I can't officially offer you the job
until I meet the other candidates,
but if you want it, totally yours.
Okay, that is literally
- the exact feedback that I was hoping for. - Yay!
So I guess it's safe to say I'll be seeing you really soon.
Um... Actually, I don't know if you will.
I'm sorry, what?
Well, I mean, if I can be totally honest, which I feel like I really can be with you...
Yeah.
...I think in my heart of hearts,
I knew that, like, this was really just a trial interview.
You know, to hone my skills, test, like, the firmness of my handshake
and the walkability of these heels.
Why would you come in here and waste my time
if you don't want to work at Anne Taylor Loft?
I just needed a run-through before I went on an interview
for a job that I was, like, deeply passionate about, you know?
Okay, great.
Well, thank you for your candor, I guess.
Yeah, no, you should know that about me.
I think it's really important to be honest, even when it's a little bit difficult.
Super important, yeah. Here you go.
Oh, no, you can keep that.
And I will walk with you
And stand by you tall
You can bet on me
And I will call you home
I will call you home
Ugh. I am freaking out.
You guys, how great are they?
Uh... Seriously? Goosebumps.
- Goosies. Feel it. - He gets 'em big time.
Thank you.
I think we definitely have to get Marcos in here.
Fuck. When's he back?
Not soon enough. Damn it. Um...
When can we get you guys back in to meet Marcos?
- I start shooting a movie in a couple months. - Really, anytime.
- But before then... Yeah, anytime. - Yeah.
- Who is Marcos? - He's my boss.
He's the one who can really get the ball rolling.
- There's a ball to get rolling? - Oh, yeah.
A big ball.
Wow.
Okay, so tell me before I pop off, what's your story?
- Yeah, we're just... - Primarily acoustic.
Yeah, two singer-songwriters.
We've recorded two demos.
- How'd you meet? - How long have you two been together?
- What's the sex like? - Oh, my God!
I'm just kidding. Unless they're gonna tell us.
I'm sorry.
Uh, we're... We're not together.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
- No, no, it's fine. - No, don't feel bad.
That's a common mistake.
Yeah, it happens a lot.
I actually have a girlfriend. Clementine Barrios is her name.
She's a consultant.
Bummer.
I'm just kidding. I'm...
I mean, that's great.
She sounds great.
Can I have one of those?
- Um... Oh, a cigarette? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would just love one right about now
- for some reason. - Marnie, you can't smoke in here.
Well, we can go outside and smoke out there.
Marnie.
What?
We'll smoke after.
We had agreed on this once-a-month rule
that was supposed to help with boundaries or some fuckin' shit.
Yeah. I think that's good, though.
I mean, I hate talking to people who aren't within 50 feet of me.
Yeah, but every time I got her on the phone,
all she wanted to do was talk about stupid shit.
Right.
Like, they sell donuts at the movie theater
- or whatever. - Ugh!
Nothing real. I mean, she couldn't
- have been getting anything out of that. - Mmm-hmm.
I thought talking less would keep us
from having those stupid conversations about fuckin' zero.
Guess who.
- Hi. - Hey, you wanna go get a smoke?
- No. - Why not?
I'm... 'Cause I'm working right now.
I'm involved. I'm giving back.
Can you just take a break?
No, no, but if you want one, you can have one.
Just take it.
That'd be great. You'll meet me out there soon?
Mmm-hmm.
- See you soon. - Bye, bye.
Man, you could've got your dick sucked.
I let that kid make out with me the other night
and he just, like, came in his pants instantly.
- Can you believe that? - Were you pissed?
No. I mean, I get it.
It was flattering.
He's having trouble with the whole God thing,
so I told him just replace the word "God" for "Jessa"
and, like, see if it helps.
And now I'm, like, the only thing standing between him and a crack pipe.
You think it's fine if I throw out all of Hannah's refrigerator magnets?
This whole thing is why I hate relationships between white people.
- Well, you don't even smoke. - You don't...
I smoke every once in a while.
- When? - I do every once in a while.
And then you started acting... I don't even know what that was.
- You derailed the whole meeting. - Don't be a drama queen.
That's unprofessional. No, that's unprofessional.
Come on, they liked us. We're going back to meet with Marcos.
- I know. - Chill the fuck out.
All right, it was fuckin' strange, man.
- It was weird. - Don't call me "man."
- Oh, my God. - What?
Bella, what is going on with you?
- Can you talk to me? - I'm talking to you right now.
Because you are, like, coming from a place that I...
I don't even recognize this person.
Come here. Come here.
All right, you know what? You wanna know what's wrong?
Yeah.
I'll tell you what's wrong. Sit down.
Okay, just so you know,
what happened in there was fucking awesome.
- I'm so psyched about it. - Yeah, me, too.
What else is happening in our relationship together,
I can't do it anymore.
You're talking about the intimacy.
Yes, I'm talking about the intimacy.
I can't do it anymore, Desi. It's not working for me.
I'm not supposed to be someone's mistress.
Nobody thinks of you as a mistress, Marn.
But because nobody thinks about me at all,
- like, in relation to you. - I do.
That's not all that matters to me.
We're building a future together,
- a musical future together. - Yeah.
So why the fuck do you still have a girlfriend who isn't me?
Well, I never said that I would end anything with Clementine.
Yeah, but see, it's normal for someone to not want
the person that they're sleeping with to be sleeping with somebody else.
Yeah, I think that's a very culturally-specific statement.
But I also think that I've been very clear with you from the beginning, Marn.
Yes, you have, but that doesn't make it okay. That doesn't make it feel okay.
You are very young. You are very smart.
- You are very beautiful. - Thank you.
And you're living in this amazing city, okay?
And if we're gonna have this incredible, explosive,
sexually collaborative, musical,
love relationship,
which I can totally see, to be honest with you,
maybe right now what you need to be doing is exploring
and embracing your freedom
and figuring out what it is that you really, really want.
The problem with your plan
is that I already know what I want.
You're not offering it to me.
So it's my sober birthday next week. Four months.
Oh, cool. What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Laser tag, bumper cars or something.
You'll probably have plans, so it'll just be me alone at Chuck E. Cheese again.
When's yours?
I used to have one, but then I didn't.
Well, make another one then, no?
- No, you only get one birthday. - Oh.
But if you're serious about actually doing something, I'm... I'm in.
Oh.
Okay. I'll keep that in mind.
How have your nights been with what's-her-face?
- Good, good, good. - Right.
It's not like I see her every day or anything.
You're a liar.
I mean, it's cute. It's very funny.
But, you know.
I really have to pee. Can you hold my bag a sec?
I'll be one second. I just...
You're gonna do that here?
I'm not waiting for a park or, like, stepping into a restaurant.
Jesus fucking... Okay.
Okay, cop, cop, cop, cop, cop.
- What? - Put a... Put a plug in it.
Are you serious?
Sorry. All done here, Officer.
Sorry, Officer, she's foreign.
You can't piss in the street, miss.
Oh, come on. Are you gonna write me up?
- Yeah. - Why don't you write the city up
for not having enough places for women to piss in?
- All right, Jessa. - Are you kidding me?
There's a toilet, like, every 17 blocks, you know.
This is insane.
This is your summons. You'll pay a $50 fine, all right?
Are you serious?
Why don't I just send you the bill from my gynecologist
when I get a UTI from holding it in?
No.
Now, ma'am, you didn't want to do that.
You know what? I'm tired of being complacent. Bye.
- Turn around. Stop walking. Turn around. - Stop, miss.
You're under arrest.
You're under arrest. Do not resist.
- Come on, that hurts. - He's hurting her.
- Stop, you're hurting her! - That hurts!
- She's fine, she's fine. - Stop resisting. Ma'am...
- Ma'am! Hey, hey, hey! - Would you stop? You're hurting...
- Get this guy off me! Hey, knock it off! - All right.
- You're done. Come over here. - And you be still.
Yeah, she literally said that
the guys from Green Day wanted to have sex with her.
That's disgusting.
Zed, Zed, do another bong hit,
okay, 'cause by the time I took the picture,
the smoke wasn't in that whimsical cloud shape anymore.
Oh, the whimsy.
God, I love the poets.
This party sucks dick.
What are you talking about?
The twins who live here have legal access to medicinal mushrooms and ecstasy.
I mean, it's like, "You're welcome."
I really don't feel good. I think I have mono.
- For the fifth time? - Yeah.
Maybe it's finally something more serious.
Lilly, Lilly,
show me those diminutive little nips.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Did you, like, watch the Bill Cunningham documentary?
Why are you taking so many pictures?
I just realized I got so good at taking selfies, I wasn't feeling challenged anymore.
And then I thought,
"What would happen if I turned the camera around?"
It was a real epiphany for me, Hannah.
I feel really uncomfortable. Everyone from my program's here.
I don't want to be here right now.
It's just because you hot-rolled your hair.
It's just you. You're uncomfortable in your own skin
and you think it's everybody else's problem.
But you know what? Wherever you are, there you go.
Is that the quote?
Does that sound right?
Tito, what are you doing?
It's just like everybody's saying it's such a gift,
you know, to have all this time to write,
but then how come the only thing I want to do is google the one month
where Woody Harrelson and Glenn Close were a couple?
This is what you always do, okay?
It's like in college when you would cry and cry into your tater tots
about not getting your papers done on time,
but somehow you would always get those papers done.
Yeah, but Marnie wrote like half those papers,
and now I'm in school for the thing I actually want to do,
so shouldn't I actually want to do it?
No, that's not how it works.
Nobody likes what they do.
Do you think Dakota Fanning wants to be Dakota Fanning?
100%.
Being Dakota Fanning is amazing. You get so many free boots.
Well, if that's how you feel, why are you even trying?
Because I'm a writer and that's what I do.
Well, I was a dancer, but you don't see me
five-six-seven-eighting my way into rooms anymore, do you?
And when you let that go, what was that like?
It was the biggest relief in the world.
- Hannah? - Mmm-hmm.
Everything works out the way it should.
This side of the room needs to be sexier.
That's good. That's really prom-y.
You got me doin' funny things like a clown
Just look at me...
Ploshansky.
When you wear your high-heeled boots...
What?
Are you fucking kidding me?
When?
Both of you?
You know what I really hate is this cross-pollination,
like blogs becoming books, which then become TV shows.
Yeah, don't worry, just breathe.
Nobody's gonna force you to watch The Fault in Our Stars.
You guys sound so old.
And I don't get why we're so judgy about popular writing.
I write one story with a blowjob in it and suddenly I'm "Fifty Shades of Grey girl."
Yeah, that wasn't just because of the blowjob, Hannah.
Yeah, some stories about blowjobs have literary merit.
Yeah, like D.H. Lawrence, Henry Miller, Philip Roth, Martin Amis.
Ha!
"Ha"? What "ha"?
Ha, you only named writers with penises.
- Oh, snap. - She has a point.
She has a point.
Yeah, how are you gonna answer that, D?
Uh... With an "And?"
And it's the same kind of patriarchal bullshit
female authors have been dealing with for centuries.
- You're part of it. - Take it easy.
You're starting to sound a little hysterical here, okay?
Hysteria?
Hysteria is how they diagnosed women who they found "uppity" in the 1800s
and had an excuse to remove their ovaries.
That was not my intent.
I was just saying it's getting a little electric in here.
You're missing her points here.
Being pigeonholed isn't fun.
And if you guys doubt me,
why don't you take a turn in the hot seat?
For example, look at Jeffrey.
What a little rich, whiny white guy.
Thinks he's Updike, thinks it's a revolution that he hates his parents.
You probably only have one ball.
I have two balls, thank you.
I don't know why you're laughing, Chester.
You are a tragically hip gaysian...
- Thank you. - ...who is writing
manic-pixie-dream-girl-pseudo-Weetzie Bat bullshit.
Your whole story was just like a winky-eye emoji,
- followed by a poop emoji. - Dude.
- Chandra. - All right, yeah.
We started out as friends, now I'm not so sure.
But you were blessed with an exotic name
and now you get to be the first and foremost authority
- on third-world issues here in lowa. - Huh.
- Dude! - Priya.
- Hmm. - If you keep writing about prison in the South,
I'm gonna murder someone and go to prison right here in lowa.
- Logan. - Bring it, Hannah. What?
You are the most bad mood Millie.
There's like a storm cloud over our whole classroom.
Get it together. Take an Ativan.
You have no idea what medications I'm already on, frankly, Hannah.
And we've got D. August.
I know, I know.
We don't mention D. August because he's the golden boy of our program
and we're all busy, you know, licking his anus, his balls, and his taint.
Somebody's licking my balls? I didn't know that.
- Thank you, guys. - But this "patron saint of the streets" thing,
it's bullshit. We know it.
This is not a hardened criminal.
This guy's never been to jail.
Can I see your record?
Can I see your criminal record?
Guys, this is what history does to us.
And I don't want to be the only one who's honest.
I want us to be honest together.
I think it's better that you guys chew on all this without me.
Really soak it in.
I have to go now.
I think we just found our own Lindsay Lohan.
That was some fucked-up shit.
I hope you goons are fuckin' proud of yourselves.
We didn't do anything.
- You didn't do anything? - No.
You guys are a pair of barbarians.
You know that?
We live in a civil society that's buttressed by decency and respect, okay?
We don't resist arrest when we've done something wrong.
We don't tackle police officers.
And we sure as fuck do not urinate on the sidewalk!
It was abuse. It was stop-and-frisk.
You cretins owe me 3 grand.
3 grand!
Fuckin' hate cops.
Fuzz,
po-po,
pigs.
Okay, later.
- Where are you going? - I'm not doing this with you.
What?
- Adam, you saw what they were doing. - Grow up.
You're a bad influence.
I'm a bad influence.
You're an adult man. I can't be an influence.
You know, I saw this all the time with you and Hannah.
You getting her into these fucking ridiculous situations
walking away, just being fucking manipulative.
I had sympathy because I knew you had a problem,
but you're sober and you're still pulling this shit.
What are you trying to provoke?
You know what? I don't even want to... I don't want to know.
It's, uh...
I don't have time for this. I don't need any more friends.
Oh, so none is enough for you?
Adam, I do.
Please.
Adam, I really need you to be my friend.
Yeah, we do.
Yes, we really do.