No. You didn't.
That all just looks...
Holy shit.
Elijah?
Elijah!
Come on.
I ate the fuckers. Sue me.
That's so fucked up. Elijah, this is my cereal, okay?
You can't just waltz into town and eat another person's cereal.
If what you want is cereal,
go to the store and get some cereal and put your name on it.
So unstable.
Oh, my God!
So we called it Madame Tinsley's
because we wanted something a bit ostentatious
to separate it from other instant soups
that are marketed as a cheap meal fix because our soup is made
with the finest dehydrated products available and I have an ex-girlfriend named Tinsley.
- So... - Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
Oh. Uh, so, yeah... No, if you, uh...
I didn't know you were done. If you want me to market this,
then I'm just gonna tell you right now that, um...
I just... I hate the name. So...
Well, that is not a good start.
You know that there are lots of people
who are applying for this job who have actually had jobs before.
Uh, yeah, like me.
Are you talking about these four...
- I mean, those four were absolutely... - Activities?
...actual jobs.
- Jobs, Scott. - Camp counselor?
But, um, I mean, I would call that a job.
I don't know if you've ever been a camp counselor, but it is no easy feat.
Teenagers do it, for the most part, right?
- Uh, yeah. - I'm talking about, like, an adult job.
- So what is your... - I mean, I don't know, Scott.
Is this, like, what you wanted to do?
- Excuse me? - Was this your dream?
Like, fancy Cup O' Noodles?
Yes, this was my dream. Owning my own company.
And I started it with my two best friends, Jeremy and Simon.
- That's great. Oh. - This is exactly what I wanted to do. So...
You and Jeremy and Simon were like,
"I wanna make, uh, old rice that smells like badussy?"
What's "badussy"?
Um, it's "butt, dick, and pussy."
Do you have some kind of problem with me?
- No. - What's going on? I don't understand.
- I don't have a problem with you, Scott. - No?
- No. Why would I have a problem with you? - I don't know.
I am so happy for you, and Jeremy, and Simon.
- Thank you. - Scott, "Harvard Alum Makes Good."
That is such an exciting story.
Do you mind if I write about it for Holy Shit Magazine?
Okay, all right, all right, all right.
Look, clearly you do not want this job, and, um, obviously I'm not gonna give it to you.
But, maybe you would still like to go for a drink sometime?
Yeah, absolutely.
...allocations going to the drive-up book drop project,
but get nothing in terms of lighting.
I reviewed a public record...
Uh, hi. Raymond Ploshansky. I have an appointment.
...pays public library district.
You're fourth on the docket.
That's a cute model, honey.
Oh, thank you.
Where are we now on the docket?
Oh, we just started. Look, you can take a seat.
Okay. Thank you.
...petty cash account and $113 in cash on hand.
Okay, all right, look, Mr. Harding, can you just pull up the minutes
so we can confirm these dollar amounts, please?
I'm just asking you to buy a few more lamps
so that I could see the books I'm reading! Hmm.
Okay, all right, I hear you, Mr. Gold,
but would you just allow us a moment to confirm the facts, please?
Oh, my God, Desi, Close Up has almost like 100 downloads already.
This is crazy.
I mean, this has to mean something to Marcos at the label. Don't you think?
Hmm.
I think it has to. This is...
I don't think they really care about 100 random people, baby.
- Well, they're not random. These are our fans. - Hmm.
This is so exciting.
I feel like indie music blogs are where everything's happening.
Pleandra Mariner got started on this exact site.
Yummers. We already did it.
Mmm.
What?
Mmm.
- Mmm. You know what? - Mmm.
We should open our showcase with this song.
Mmm. We only get two songs for the showcase.
Yes, we get an opener and a closer, and this should be our opener.
Yeah, I mean, this is a great fucking song.
Thank you.
But this is not one of our top two.
What do you like better?
Rattlesnake Cowgirl, Heart for Sale,
Whoa, Wow, Wonderful. Song for Marcus Garvey,
Oaxaca Blues, Kokopelli Shelly.
- I mean, that's top six right there. - Hmm.
Yeah, I know. I just feel like it's our chance to show some range.
- Okay, see, what I think about the showcase... - Yeah.
- ...we put our best foot forward. - Agreed.
And if half of our set is a syrupy love song, that's a total mislead, babe, you know?
- But we sing love songs. - Not really.
We sing, like, modern American folk with an indie edge.
I tell people that we're like She & Him, but with actual romance.
But we're nothing like She & Him.
- We're not? - Whoa.
You're blowing my mind right now.
- Marnie, we are nothing like... - I hope we're like She & Him.
- My God. - We are noth... Are you kidding me right now?
You're freaking me out. We are nothing like She & Him, okay?
We are nothing like that band.
How can we have completely different takes
on the same band that we are both in? That is bizarre to me.
I'm starting to wonder if maybe you don't like Close Up
because I wrote it instead of you.
- No, I like the song. - Could that be it? Are you sure?
- I loved this song. - Okay.
What do you mean loved this song?
And then you told me that you're writing She & Him songs and now, like, my whole...
I gotta do a heavy rethink here.
How about we talk about the partnership that I thought we were in...
- We are in a partnership. - ...whereas recently...
No, recently it's just been me writing while you tinker with your motorcycle.
I am... That's my mode of transportation, Marnie.
- That is my mode of transportation. - That doesn't change anything.
That's how I get...
That's weak, dude. That's my mode of transportation.
If she's feeling sick, then I got nowhere to go.
I do write. I fucking write all the time.
I'm writing when I'm doing anything.
When we're making love, I'm writing.
I am so glad that we combined our books.
You know, I was a little nervous about it,
but these children's encyclopedias are amazing.
They still say that Columbus discovered America,
and I think in one of these illustrations, he's wearing makeup.
Do you want to go for a run in a sec?
Hmm. No, thank you.
Come on, there's a street fair I want to disrupt.
Hmm, I don't really feel up to it.
Beginnings of a cold?
Gotta sweat that out.
Come on.
I like to watch you bounce.
I like to watch your boobs bounce. I like to watch your ponytail bounce.
I like to watch your body bounce.
No, I can't go for a run 'cause I had an abortion yesterday.
I can't go for a run and I can't take a bath
or use a tampon or have intercourse for, like, a week.
Are you, uh...
- What? - Yeah.
Just a couple of things I can't do 'cause I had an abortion yesterday.
- Was it mine? - Yeah, of course it was yours.
I didn't want to talk about it beforehand. I just wanted to do it.
But I haven't shared with boyfriends in the past.
I'm trying to be more open with you.
So you're trying to be open with me? How many abortions have you had?
I'm not gonna share that with you because that is private.
I'm not gonna ask you how many girls you've gotten pregnant.
None. It's not private.
I've gotten no girls pregnant except for you now.
I think you're behaving very magnanimously this time.
I really do. And I think it's very difficult
considering Mimi-Rose is a very fascinating, very interesting, slim,
kind of like a little pinched nose there.
How do you know that she's slim with a little pinched nose?
I never said that.
Did you, like, Google her or something?
No, no, no.
You just created a very vivid image.
I see her as a very attractive, wondrous kind of very angular, slim person.
And I think you're being very stable about this whole thing and very mature.
Thank you. I guess the upside to having everything go wrong in your life
is that you cease to have any expectations of anything or anybody. So...
And that's an unbelievably mature thing for a person your age to say.
It's just great.
I guess the thing that's bothering me the most is that I have no idea what's coming next.
- Hmm. - I've never felt that way before.
Like, I don't even know what I want to have happen.
Well, when you were writing as a career option, how was that?
Was it fulfilling?
Fulfilling? I don't know.
Remarkably never thought about that. I mean...
I guess I liked the fact that writing has the ability to effect change.
You know? The writers who I love really helped me to form my world view,
so, I don't know,
I guess I wanted to help other people the way those writers have helped me.
You're a helper. You're just, you know, you like helping people, I think.
With lowa, getting in, really what I liked
was just that my friends seemed really impressed
and my mom seemed really happy.
Well, you made your mom happy. That made you feel good.
So sometimes making your mom happy is helping your mom.
So maybe I do really like helping people.
Wow. I mean, who... Who are you?
Who is this person that I'm seeing sitting there
saying these beautiful, stable things over there?
I just... This is like a wow moment for me.
Wow.
Who fucking went with you?
My friend Sue-Ellen Garth.
I don't even know her.
You'll meet her. She's a somnambulist.
Who did it? Who aborted you?
A doctor named Guneta did the procedure. She delivered my cousin's baby.
- Was it a boy or a girl? - My cousin's baby's a girl.
No! Ours!
It was a ball of cells. It was smaller than a seed pearl.
It didn't have a penis or a vagina.
Isn't this a decision that people typically make together?
- So you wanted a baby? - Maybe.
That's kind of absurd.
We've been together for less than seven weeks.
I don't think that we're ready for a child.
Crazier things have happened. People do crazy things.
My parents got married after a fucking week.
Okay, so we should have the baby and put it in your toolbox as a cradle
and feed it sardines and tell it that you don't know my middle name?
- It's Rose! - No, my first name is Mimi-Rose.
My middle name is Eleanor.
I don't understand how you could do something like that without talking to me first.
It's... That's evil.
You're right, you don't understand.
I had just gone as far as I could go in lowa, you know?
- Yeah. - I was practically running that JCPenney.
I was dating a guy who was the front-runner in the mayoral race.
I had just put a bid in on 16 acres, but I thought, I don't know, I just feel empty.
So I might as well come back here and be with you losers.
- Ugh. - I've decided I'm not getting a job.
I'm gonna marry Scott the soup mogul,
and I'm just gonna be Mrs. Madame Tinsley for the rest of my life.
I'm gonna forgo all of my dreams and ambitions for his,
and I'm just gonna become my mother.
No, no, no, you do not wanna end up with someone so selfish.
I'm telling you, Shosh, seriously,
you end up feeling more alone than you felt when you were actually just entirely alone.
Marnie, you fought so hard for this relationship,
- but it's making you unhappy already? - I know.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.
I think I'm incapable of true companionship.
- Plus, he's a total asshole as it turns out. - Oh, my God!
This table is like the island of misfit animals.
I'm falling asleep right now.
I could be at a brunch with a guy who runs a microbrewery, so let's pep it up.
Well, listen, I have big news,
which is that I've decided to get a job that actually helps people.
Ew, like a not-for-profit job?
Hannah, you're the most selfish person we know.
I mean, you won't even share a Kit Kat.
Yeah, it's true. You're so selfish that when we lived together,
you put the fire extinguisher in your own bedroom
so you could have access to it first.
Well, that's all gonna be turned on its head 'cause you know what?
I wanna change the world.
- Change the world? - Like, all of it?
- That's a big job. - Why is this so flummoxing to all of you,
me wanting to make a positive change?
Because I'm very skeptical of anyone who wants to help others.
I mean, there's always some sort of hidden agenda.
100%. Mother Teresa loved being famous.
Well, what's a job that I could have that helps people that doesn't disgust you?
Based on this look, I would say...
Bus and truck with Thoroughly Modern Millie...
- Yes. - Ice Capades...
- Clock maker. - Uh, clog model?
- Schoolmarm. - Okay.
- Tennille in a Captain & Tennille cover band. - Yeah.
- Girl who gets killed in a Lifetime movie. - Wait.
Mayim Bialik's stunt double.
Elijah.
Your horrid, horrid personality may have actually led to something good,
which is that I could be a teacher.
Well, you know what they say, those who can't do, teach.
Yes, and I can't do, so I'm gonna teach.
All three vacant properties are owned by a Mr. Anat Heifetz,
who has yet to incur any monetary fines
associated with buildings standing longer than 30 days without registering with the city.
I'm sorry. Excuse me, but I gotta run out of here early tonight.
Can a motion to adjourn and we'll pick up where we leave off next week.
- Second. - With that second, I adjourn this session.
We'll continue next week starting with...
Kippy Cohen.
Good? Done.
Objection!
I'm sorry?
- I object. - What?
I've been sitting patiently, quietly in this chair all day.
All day. You wanna know why?
'Cause I'm on today's docket.
Today's docket should happen today.
Next week is for next week's docket.
Well, thank you for contributing your opinion,
but sometimes we don't get through it all, okay?
Like, today we started with some issues from last week.
Okay, well, I'm sorry, but I don't think that's very fair.
And I don't think they do either.
And it's certainly no way to manage your business.
So I would like to procure a motion that we get through today's docket today.
- I second that. - Thank you, Kippy.
Okay, well, a motion has to be seconded by a member of the board.
Are there any board members that wants to second this hothead's motion?
I didn't think so. Good night.
Will you hold that, please? Thank you. Excuse me, Kippy.
You all should be ashamed of yourselves.
Shame on you!
You call this politics?
This is a circus!
Okay, thank you. Can you sit down now, please?
You can't even put a few lights in the library so Mr. Gold can read?
Are you fucking kidding me?
I take umbrage!
Hold on, umbrage?
I just wanna write that down, that you take umbrage.
I take umbrage at your sweeping disregard for the taxpayer
and your general managerial ineptitude.
Umbrage! Shame on you people!
He's not wrong.
I can't remember the last time we got something approved here.
Seriously, Stu, you can't remember? You can't remember... So all of a sudden,
- you have a problem with our productivity? - Yeah.
When was the last session you came to not drunk?
Says the man who'd probably stop at a bar and cheat on his wife.
You're gonna judge me? How dare you?
Why don't you go visit your convict husband in jail?
Oh, nice, Ted. Professional as always.
And do you wanna tell everyone how much money
you took from funds in petty cash last month?
Screw you, creep. I thought you were my friend.
Not when it comes to money.
- You put that money back! - I took a loan of$10.
This is outrageous!
You know how I always sleep 15 minutes later than you?
I really wake up before you.
But I pretend to be totally asleep because I love it
when you tuck me in and you kiss me.
I'm really coming to depend on that.
Why didn't you talk to me about it?
'Cause I knew what I wanted to do.
Why didn't you want me to come with you?
I mean, don't you need me at all?
'Cause it freaks me out. You never tell me what you're working on.
You don't mind if I don't make it to whatever fucking party.
You don't ask me how you look or whatever.
You just look in the mirror and go.
You're like those jellyfish who only need to fuck once to have generations of kids.
Sometimes I just can't tell what I'm even here for at all.
See, that's what I love about you. You know the weirdest stuff.
Your brain does not process information in a normal way at all.
Truly, Adam, I care about you so much.
I care about my butcher. I need my butcher.
I can't butcher meats. I need my butcher more than you need me.
No, I don't need you.
But I love coming home and knowing you're behind the door.
And I love watching you bend down and pick something up
'cause you use your body in a really strange way.
And wanting you like this,
that's better than needing you because it's pure.
I feel like you lied to me.
No, I didn't lie to you.
I just waited to share information until it was too late for you to chime in.
It's funny, I felt so good about you moving in.
Just this morning, I loved looking at your books
and learning their names like I know mine.
I guess...
I don't know.
Yeah, okay. Yeah, I like that, too.