(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(LAUGHS)
What's so funny, you little creep?
I don't know.
Oh.
You look like a teacher I had in fourth grade.
I thought I wanted my mom to marry him,
but now I realize I just wanted to fuck him.
- Mmm. - (LAUGHS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
This apartment is so trippy.
(CHUCKLES)
It's like we're in a Tiffany music video.
Wait, is that really getting you off?
Thinking of fucking me in a Tiffany music video?
- Fuck, yeah. - (SQUEALS)
Yeah, me too. (LAUGHS)
- "I think we're alone now." - Yeah!
(BOTH MOANING)
You don't get pierogis like this back in Michigan.
Which is odd, considering the size of the Polish population,
especially in Detroit.
The variations in regional recipe is such a fascinating thing
because some people use more flour...
How's Mom?
TAD: Very well.
Very excited about finally getting tenure and not having to deal with that...
- Papa. - (SIGHS) Oh, you know...
As well as could be expected, I guess.
Just a lot of emotions.
I mean, who knew a person could have that many emotions?
How are you, kiddo?
I mean, I know this must be just such a huge shock.
I'm okay, you know.
I'm proud of you and I'm worried about Mom,
but at the end of the day, this isn't really about me, so...
Well, sure it is. I mean, you're part of this family.
When I think about it, my parents have been married
for way longer than most of my friends' parents,
so in that way, I'm actually really lucky.
We're really not talking about divorce right now.
What do you mean?
I mean, staying married is not off the table.
People have all kinds of arrangements.
So you finally get the courage to come out of the closet
and you're gonna stay married to a woman?
Okay, that makes no fucking sense.
It works for some people.
You know, I just saw a documentary about a guy,
a man who was gay, and they had grown kids and his wife knew.
Worked for them.
Are you talking about The Staircase?
'Cause in that, he... He killed his wife,
so in a sense, it didn't work for them at all.
You don't know everything, okay? Basically, you're a child.
I'm actually not a child.
I have way more experience with this stuff than you do.
- You... Oh, really? - Yes, really.
I was in a relationship with a gay man,
we broke up, and I've been navigating the choppy waters ever since.
You're a child, basically, okay?
I bet you didn't even bring your wallet, did you?
Am I right? Did you bring your wallet here?
- I brought my wallet here. - Oh? Let me see it then.
No, I'm not gonna show you my wallet for this stupid game.
Let me see your wallet, if you're such a grown-up.
(MUFFLED) I came right from the gym.
(LAUGHS)
You don't have to laugh.
GIRL: That's right. That's what Jeremy told me.
- Wait, it's not true. - Yeah, he's going.
Cleo?
'Sup, Whore-vath?
Can I have a quick word with you?
Just a quick word?
- What? - What's going on?
I sent you, like, 10 texts this weekend and called you three times.
You didn't answer any of it.
Well, my phone must have run out of power.
Well, your Instagram told a pretty different story, Cleo.
I know that you and Jake were out in Prospect Park
and he made you a flower crown.
- Okay, I'm sorry. It's not a big deal. - It is a big deal.
I'm going through some very intense stuff with my family, okay?
Kind of cosmic, heavy stuff, and I needed to talk to you
and you weren't there.
You're being really intense.
- So your dad is gay. So what? - I knew you checked your phone.
My friend Thomas has, like, four dads,
so you need to check your homophobia.
My homophobia?
Cleo, I'm like the least homophobic person you've ever met.
I've had sex with a gay man.
Well, then, why are you yelling at me?
I'm not yelling at you. Why are you being such a B-I-T-C-H?
Are you calling me a bitch?
HANNAH: You're being kind of a bitch, so what am I supposed to say?
You know what? You're kinda psycho.
- I'm psycho? - Yeah.
Well, maybe I am psycho 'cause it was psychotic of me
to choose you as a mentee and confidant.
Sorry your parents suck. Everybody's parents suck.
Welcome to reality.
What the eff would you know about reality, Cleo?
What'd you ever learn on the mean streets of Parks...
- Cleo, I believe you have a class. - Yeah, sorry.
Miss Horvath, let's adjourn to my office, please.
I thought we were friends, Cleo.
Friends who could talk about things, real things.
TOBY: Hannah!
I think I know what you're gonna say, Principal Toby,
and I absolutely agree with you.
I should've saved that conversation with Cleo for after school hours.
- I'm so sorry. - Yes, or not at all, maybe.
Well, yeah, but would it have really been fair to her or to me
to keep all my feelings stuffed inside? I don't think so.
Look, Hannah, you've been a great sub.
You know, you really connect with the kids academically, socially,
and you've got them excited about learning.
I think it's because I really remember what it was like to be a kid myself.
But the thing you have to remember is you're not a kid anymore.
No, I mean, of course I'm not a kid.
The things I've seen in my life, it's not suitable for a child's eyes.
But, see, the thing is, you need to be mindful of boundaries.
Yes.
And concentrate on not going past the boundary.
Okay, I think the reason that's been hard for me this week
is because my father recently came out of the closet as a proud gay man.
Oh, whoa. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Exactly. That's exactly the kind of boundary I'm talking about.
You and I are coworkers. I'm your boss.
That's something I don't want to know anything about.
You think I wanted to know anything about it?
I mean, that is a child's worst nightmare. It's not a homophobia thing.
It's just imagining your parent in a sexual situation of any kind is brutalizing.
Right, but see... (SIGHS)
You're an adult and I know it sucks,
but you just have to start
at least trying to keep at least some stuff inside.
Are you gonna fire me?
Look, you got a lot of stuff going on.
Why don't you take the rest of the day off
so you can, you know, deal with whatever those issues are?
You mean like my father coming out of the closet
as a proud gay man in his late 50s.
(CHUCKLES) Again, don't want to know, didn't need to know.
Boundaries.
I love your jeans.
Boundaries.
Ugh! This tastes like boiled butter and not in the good way.
Look, you're the one who wanted to day drink, so just man up.
- Okay. - So...
What did Tad have to say for himself?
- Um... - Also, real quick before you start,
I told you so.
I just wanted to get that out of the way. Continue.
You didn't tell me so.
- Beg your pardon? - You didn't tell me so.
I'm sorry, I seem to recall actually saying to your face
that your father was a homosexual.
Yeah, but you think everyone's a homosexual.
Most people are.
You told me Barack Obama was gay.
He reads bi.
I don't know. My dad keeps saying that he thinks they're gonna stay together.
- Your poor mom. - And then I said to him,
"Why would you want to come out of the closet
"after a thousand years and then stay with Mom?"
And he said, "You don't understand anything."
Look, it's very scary to come out.
So I'm sure he's just coming out in chunks, you know, like...
Like, I said for a while that I was bisexual.
We all know that was a lie, but it's scary,
so I'm sure right now he's probably telling you that
it's just all in his head...
- Mmm-hmm. - ...and he's never done anything, right?
- He said he's never done anything. - Yeah, well, that's a lie.
- Is it? - Fuck, yeah, it's a lie.
I would bet my house seats to If/Then that, like, in one month,
he's gonna be like, "Well, I did have this college roommate
"and we did have feelings for each other, but we never did anything."
And then... And then in, like, two months, he's gonna be like,
"Oh, yeah, I got my fucking ass pounded by our insurance adjuster last year."
No, I'm trying so hard to be open and accepting,
but you can't say stuff like that about my dad.
My point is, is that I'm sure him saying they're gonna stay together
is just like a stutter step.
(SIGHS) I'm just... I'm worried about him.
He's so lost. I feel terrible. He doesn't have anyone to talk to.
- Hmm. - He doesn't have any community.
I don't know, I just wish that he had, like, a group he could join or some friends.
I'm sure the gays in Michigan are terrible.
I can't even imagine.
It's a lot of cargo pants, I would think.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Shosh.
I think we're good with the balloons and the bunting.
I mean, can you imagine how all this is gonna...
- What if I lose? - You're not gonna lose.
You're Ray Ploshansky. Let's take back the borough.
- I just don't want you to get too excited. - Okay, seriously, Ray,
what else do I have to do with my life right now?
The job interviews have dried up, nobody's buying what I'm selling.
I couldn't get hired to give away free blowjobs at a bus station.
So I'm gonna
- bask in your glory a little bit, yes. - (SIGHS)
Okay, all right. I'm sorry, all right? I'm just a little nervous here.
I'm sure you can appreciate that.
I'm nervous and...
I just... I really want this.
Yeah, and what Ray Ploshansky wants, Ray Ploshansky gets.
Except for me. Or Marnie.
Really any woman you've ever loved.
- Okay. - But now, if you'll excuse me,
there is a cake with your face on it
that ended up looking a little bit more like Muammar Qaddafi's.
So, I'm gonna do some damage control frosting-wise.
I just don't understand why you'd want to stay with him.
It's a very confusing time.
I'm sure you're confused too, right, sweets?
Um, I mean, I'm okay. I'm mostly just worried about you guys.
You're okay? I mean, how can you be okay?
Your life is falling apart.
It's basically all been a lie, Hannah.
I mean, I guess so, but it kind of sounds more like
you're talking about your life than mine.
(LAUGHS) You are so right. Jesus, what the fuck do I know, right?
- Mom. - I mean,
why are you asking for life advice from a woman
who obviously doesn't know anything about anything?
I didn't ask for life advice.
Everything I have ever told you about anything,
I want you to disregard it.
What the fuck do I know?
Who gives a shit, anyway?
Maybe you should call Janet from next door and have her come sit with you.
And you guys can, you know, look at some magazines or something.
Where is your dad right now, anyway, huh?
Christopher Street or something?
That's not even where gay people hang out anymore.
Charles, my student who's gay,
thinks that your dad is gonna be a "daddy."
(LAUGHS)
Your dad is gonna be a "daddy."
I mean, do you think he's gonna be a "daddy," Hannah?
- What? - Do you think he's gonna be a "daddy"?
Mom, you know what? I'm gonna call Janet, okay?
You just sit tight and I'm gonna call Janet.
Don't call Janet. She doesn't get any of this.
She doesn't get the whole thing about sucking dick or anything.
None of it. She really doesn't.
You're making... (SIGHS)
You're making me uncomfortable.
Think about anal sex! Now that's uncomfortable.
- Okay. Hey, I'm in heels. - Run with me! Run with me!
I'm in heels, hold on. Whoo!
- Ah! - Run faster!
- Do you see what's on my feet? - (LAUGHS)
Stop. (PANTING)
Oh, my God.
- You all right? - Yeah.
So what is this place we're going to?
- Like, Moroccan food? - Ethiopian.
- Oh, nice. - It's my friend's restaurant.
I photographed her breasts for a project on globalization.
Holy shit.
What?
We're right by Mimi-Rose's place.
Cool.
Should we head up there and see what she and Adam are doing?
Uh, why? That... Wouldn't that be weird for you?
No. We're all grown-ups.
Yeah, we... Yeah, okay.
Just for, like, a minute.
No, no, I'll walk behind you.
Whoo!
- Hello. - ACE: What's up?
- How are you, man? - I'm good, I'm good.
Good. We were literally just walking down your street on our way to dinner,
and I thought about this fucking blue door.
Colored doors are a reason to live.
(SOFTLY) Adam, is this a good time?
Were you about to, like, make love or take a shit?
No, no, but Mimi-Rose is in the shower.
But you can come in.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay.
Jessa, come here. I want to show you this herb garden I planted when I lived here.
Oh, okay.
I do love an herb.
Okay. Oh, yeah, it's still there.
ACE: It's still there 'cause I planted it and it's amazing in the sunshine.
Hey, guys.
- Mmm-hmm. - MIMI-ROSE: This is a surprise.
Yeah? Fun one or scary one?
Fu-scary.
I was just about to tell them that we're about to head out.
JESSA: We actually... Uh, we're going to dinner now.
(STAMMERS) Ace's friend with the tits is gonna be expecting us
and we just wanted to say hi.
And now that we've said hi, we can say bye.
- Okay, great. - No, stay.
Adam, would you fry up some sausages?
Sure, I'll fry up some sausages. Everybody here like sausages?
Yeah.
I remember in '89,
they didn't even finish counting the ballots
- till 3:00 a.m. in the morning. - RAY: Wow.
Well, yeah, I imagine you get big turnouts like that
when your choices are so stark, right?
I mean, Dinkins, Giuliani. It's like night and day.
Don't even talk to me about Dinkins.
It was all about us till he won.
Then it was all about them.
Wait, what does that mean?
- You know. - Oh, don't listen to him.
In the '90s, he was met with reverses.
Mind your own business, Kippy. Hmm.
Wow.
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
MARNIE: Look at this.
- Hey, sweetie? - Yeah?
I think we should, uh, maybe not tell anyone about our little secret yet.
Oh, baby, don't worry about it.
I am a very private person. You know that.
I do. Good.
I just... I want it to be our special thing for a little while longer.
I love that. I love that idea. Ooh.
- (WHISPERS) Secrets are so sexy. - (LAUGHS)
- Hey. - MARNIE: Hi.
- What's up? - Nothing.
Nothing new having to do with me.
Okay. Pizza?
- No, thanks. - Um, no, thank you.
It looks great, Shosh. Congrats.
- Thank you. - MARNIE: Good job.
Um, I... Why don't you go get us something to drink?
I'm gonna go say hi to Ray.
- All right. - I love you.
(SINGING) Happy birthday, Mr. President
- Marilyn Monroe. (CHUCKLES) - Yeah, I know.
- Got the reference. - Good.
I wasn't gonna tell anyone this, but, um, I have some news.
Yeah?
Is that what I think it is?
I'm getting married.
- You and Desi? - Yes. (LAUGHS)
Wow!
- I know. - Congratulations!
- Thank you. - I'm so happy for you.
- Thank you so much. - (CHUCKLING) I'm just...
- You're the first person I'm telling. - Really?
- Yeah. - Well, I'm honored.
I wanted to tell you 'cause I feel very close to you.
And you really held my hand through this whole thing,
and I feel like you helped me see it through to its logical conclusion.
And also, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't gonna be weird.
(CHUCKLING) Are you kidding, Marn? This is perfect.
- Are you kidding me? - Oh, good.
Yeah, no, this is the right move at the right time for you, absolutely.
- This is a slam dunk. - Ray, thank you.
- Yeah, I mean it. - I was most nervous about your reaction.
No. Reverse windmill slam dunk. Where's the lucky guy?
Desi, come on over here!
- Hey, Des. - RAY: Come here.
Look at this guy. Luckiest guy on the planet.
She just told me the good news, man.
- What? Marnie. - I know.
- She couldn't help it, she couldn't help it. - I was so excited.
It's really exciting. Amazing, right?
- It's crazy. - Unbelievable.
- Oh, we're so happy. - So happy for you guys.
- Thank you, Ray. Thank you very much. - Yeah.
You done good, my friend. You done real good.
You'll make an honest woman out of the trollop.
- What is that? - That's my future wife you're talking about.
- Yeah, future... - Oh, my God. "Future wife."
Yeah.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
ELIJAH: (LAUGHING) This guy was... TAD: We're gonna get together.
(DOOR OPENS)
- Hannah, look what I did. - You sure did.
ELIJAH: Ah, look. Doesn't he look great?
He's such a daddy. I told you he'd be such a daddy.
- Whatever you say, Elijah. I defer, I defer. - (LAUGHS)
Yeah, you look great.
Here we go.
I'm sorry, this is all just a little much for me right now.
I can't go through this again.
- Is it the cuffs? - ELIJAH: No.
I think it's more just you being called "daddy" over and over again in a sexual way
when you're, you know, my daddy.
Oh, Banana, I know it's hard. It is for me, too.
I don't have a problem with you being gay, okay?
- I'm a famous liberal, okay? - TAD: Of course you are.
My beliefs perfectly align with having a gay father.
I know. I mean, remember the picture we took with you and Hillary Clinton
- when you were a little girl? - Yes.
TAD: She loved you.
(SIGHS) It's okay to feel confused, Hannah. Um...
You can ask me anything. Maybe that'll help.
- Okay. - I'm okay.
Okay, honey. Okay.
- Okay, I would like to ask you one thing. - Sure.
I think it's important for me to know...
- Have you ever been with a man? - No.
- ELIJAH: Tad. - Okay.
There was, uh, one guy in my senior year.
It was mostly dry humping.
Okay, that's good information to have. I can work with that information.
You know, I always wondered what happened to him.
Turns out he's in commercial real estate now.
- Great. - Yeah.
I helped him do some Facebook sleuthing.
We reconnected, so, you know,
who knows what the future holds?
- Full-on anal. - Gross.
- Seriously, you guys? - ELIJAH: Hannah, come on.
I'm trying so hard to be cool about this, but you are not making it easy.
Okay, you're my dad.
I don't want to hear about you having sex with anyone.
I don't want to hear about you having sex with Mom.
- Okay. - I don't want hear about
you dry humping some guy,
and I don't want to be made to feel like some self-involved asshole
because I'm a little discombobulated.
I think what you two need are some serious boundaries.
And if you'll excuse me, I have a political event to attend.
- Banana, honey... - (DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR SLAMS)
ADAM: Okay, is everyone done with their sausages?
'Cause I'd like to clear our plates.
I'm sorry, I'm just distracted right now by these feelings of jealousy
that you two are apparently together now?
- Okay. - It's not serious.
Yeah, well, maybe not yet.
It might not be serious yet, but Jessa really wants to have babies.
- I do? - And she has an incredibly nurturing instinct.
And I am so fucking excited to see where this is going.
You have no idea.
MIMI-ROSE: Wow, so, this is what jealousy is, huh?
I guess I've never really experienced it before.
Well, you know, we... We could go.
ACE: I think that the better choice would be
to stay here and talk about this, don't you, love?
Um, yeah, okay, Jesus.
I mean, this involves... Adam, you wanna join this convo, buddy?
ADAM: No, I'm good with my sponge.
Adam, I think it's really important for you and for us as a couple.
Oh, my fucking God. I'm sorry, I'm trying really hard,
but the last fucking time I saw this fucking jabroni,
he was telling me that I was just a passing phase in your life
and that he was gonna get you back eventually,
so sorry if I'm not so interested in this conversation!
Clearly I'm not the only one who's experiencing feelings of jealousy.
But on the other hand, I can't deny that I really want Ace back.
What?
Don't fucking say it if you don't fucking mean it.
And you know I'm not kidding.
Oh, my God. This is officially bullshit now.
No, no, no. You came over. You can't go anywhere.
I'm leaving. I'm leaving because you are full of shit
and I know exactly what you're doing, and I'm not gonna be a pawn in your game.
I fucking run game.
And you are full of shit in a different way.
I don't even know what that way is,
but I'm sure you'll probably make some really shitty art about it.
And you're a sucker, just like me.
And if you have any sense at all,
you'll leave with me right now and never look back.
I guess there's only one right choice, isn't there?
You know what? No one cares, you bitch.
What is the right choice, Mimi-Rose, huh?
What is it?
Tell me what the choice is.
I choose...
To be alone. I choose no one.
- What? - What the fuck are you talking about?
Oh, my God.
- Adam, let's go. - ACE: Jessa, don't go.
(STAMMERS) I really am ready to be with you now.
This roller coaster's really brought me back to you.
- (DOOR SLAMS) - We had to go through this...
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
- (SING-SONG) Our new leader. - MAN: Oh, very nice.
Ray Ploshansky, chairperson.
Yeah? Yeah?
Hey, hey, hey, do you like your cake?
- Yeah, it looks amazing. - Yeah?
- I think you look really handsome. - Thank you so much.
- Thanks for coming. - SHOSHANNA: Mmm-hmm.
You look a little like Mister Rogers, but it's okay.
Hi, thanks a lot for coming.
Nice to see you.
WOMAN: Yeah!
Ploshansky.
Duffield.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I'm here to concede.
You won, fair and square.
Thanks, Ted.
I appreciate it and I, um,
you know, hope we can work together
to see through some of the good initiatives you've been shepherding.
Fuck that. I'm moving to Katonah.
All these whining whack jobs are your problem now, pal.
- Well, onwards and upwards, right? - Yeah, whatever.
Is that... Is that free booze?
- Test, one, two. - No, it's...
It's not free booze, actually.
- Figures. - SHOSHANNA: Mic, one, two.
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
Ladies and gentlemen, please help me in welcoming
your new chairperson for community board number eight,
- Mr. Ray Ploshansky. - (CHEERING)
We're taking the borough back!
Thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thanks for your support.
- SHOSHANNA: Ray, get on the chair. - Huh?
- Get on the chair. - Oh, you want me to get... Okay.
- SHOSHANNA: Get on the chair. - All right.
We don't... We don't need to do it again.
Thank you, Miss Shapiro, for that stirring introduction,
for all of your support and guidance during this campaign.
I couldn't have done this without you.
Um, I'd like to begin with a quote.
As Ralph Nader once said,
"When strangers start acting like neighbors,
"communities are reinvigorated."
- End quote. - WOMAN: Nice!
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Okay, you know, I, uh... I'm gonna...
I... Some of you probably already know, this has been a... A big year for me.
Full of ups, full of downs,
chock-full of surprises.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
But as we move forward, I ask you to remember this,
we're at our best when we're together.
Even if it doesn't seem like a perfect fit,
even if the path is laden with obstacles, frustrations,
we need to work to understand each other.
And to listen to each other and ultimately to love each other.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is none of us has a crystal ball, right?
No one knows what the future holds, but when you need me,
please know that I'll be here.
If you take a wrong turn, I'll be here.
If you get stuck in a rut and you can't get out, I'll be here.
If you feel like there's no one else on this planet
that you can talk to, I'll be here.
Whatever happens, please know that I promise to always, always
be here.
MAN: Whatever, dickhead.
(CROWD CHUCKLES)
All right, thanks again for coming.
And, uh, let's take the borough back!
(CHEERING)
Yay!
(C'MON BABY LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL PLAYING)
RAY: Thank you very much.
Thanks for coming out.
Hey.
- Hey, Shosh. - You missed my speech.
Uh, how did it go?
Um, yes, it was humble, but still stirring. Do you want some cake?
Um...
I'm okay. I feel weird eating Ray's face.
I'm not really
in the mood.
Well, you can't...
You can't just, like, leave a piece that you touched.
(SIGHS)
Why didn't you warn me?
It's not my job.
I'm fucking busy.
What'd you see in Ace?
I don't know. I saw adventure.
Someone who never stopped moving.
Didn't give me a chance to think.
I don't do well when I think.
I think I don't want to go in there.
Why?
Are you afraid to see Hannah?
I think I want to see her too much right now.
(EXHALES)
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm out.
Bye.
Congratulations, Ray. You really did it.
Thanks. Yeah, quite a night, huh?
Where's Elijah?
Oh, you know, probably off trolling Chelsea with my daddy.
- (MIC THUMPS) - MARNIE: Hi. Hi, everybody. Um...
I'm really, really sorry to interrupt,
but, um, we'll get back to the celebrating in just two seconds.
She is so not sorry to interrupt.
I just, uh... Tonight is really special
and I just felt like I wanted to say something, uh, here in front of all of you. Um...
Desi and I had an announcement to make.
We're getting married!
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
- We're getting married. - WOMAN: Aw, congratulations.
MARNIE: Thank you. We're so excited.
That's great news. I'm so happy for her.
I'm so happy for everyone.
I'm faking it.
I'm faking everything.
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)