It's gonna rain.
Oh, it's totally not gonna rain.
It's, like, never been about to rain less in the history of the universe.
Now, that looks great and it's ready for some bridesmaid-y action.
By the way, living in Japan has made me so effing good
at folding, steaming, pressing, et cetera.
My friend Satako says that I'm, like, a complete natural
and could totally compete with the best of them.
They have this reality TV show there called Fold Fold Press,
which is kind of about being human.
It seems like it's gonna rain, right?
God damn it, what is my mom doing out there?
You don't understand something here. I just want to show you.
It's gotta be candle, flower, candle, flower, candle, flower.
Sorry I slept so late. Is there anything I can do to help?
Um, yeah, just keep the vibe, like, super calm in here.
That'd be great. And then when the hair and makeup artist arrives,
you can start maneuvering the appointments.
Got it. On it.
What do you mean by "maneuvering the appointments"?
Well, she can't do all of us at once, right?
She's not an octopus, so I figure we need an order
and you can create the order.
Cool. I'm gonna do it.
Thank you so much. I figure each bridesmaid
should take no longer than, like, 35 minutes,
and that leaves me three and a half hours, which is perfect.
Great.
- Hi. - Hey.
Oh, wow.
You look so whimsical/beautiful.
Thank you, I just bathed in the stream
and then I ran through the field to dry myself.
Marnie, what's wrong?
I'm worried it's gonna rain. I had the option for a tent,
but of course I didn't take it.
Okay, so you made a mistake.
We all make mistakes. It's okay.
Yeah, everybody hates tents anyways.
Like, what, is this a circus? I don't want no big top.
But you know that rain on your wedding day means wonderful things for your fertility.
So I hope that it does rain.
I'm gonna go set out your dress.
If anyone needs anything, I'll be upstairs in the boudoir.
I love tents.
This is the day.
This is my wedding day.
- Hi. - Hey.
- How's it going? - Good, how you doing?
- Good. Good to see you. - You, too.
- Hey, gals. - Ooh!
Fran, you look so handsome. That is beautiful suiting.
Well done, sir.
- Hey, Fran. - Marnie, hey.
Uh, I just wanted to say how grateful I am to be invited.
Oh, well, everyone who asked for a plus-one got one.
Shosh didn't ask for one, though.
Oh, yeah. I take my bridesmaids duties, like, super seriously.
Also, I'm in a long-distance relationship,
so, like, why rock the boat by seeing each other, you know what I mean?
Well, Fran was just sitting in his car, so I said he could come hang with us.
Um, but I can go if this is not a good time.
Well, you are here, like, super early. So...
No, it's a great time. We're doing literally nothing.
Sweet.
- How was your drive? - Yeah, super easy.
It's so pretty on the way up here.
- Shosh. - Yeah?
Come here.
Was there a mom or was it just like a flock of little lambs?
No, orphans.
This is so inappropriate.
My attire? Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we were, like, doing a PJ thing all day.
- I mean, I have another outfit... - No, no, no, no, no. Shh.
Fran.
- Oh, my baby got out! - No.
He has an actual penis.
He's a man and he's here.
You have to go tell him to leave,
and then you have to tell Hannah
that she's been so inappropriate and unsupportive for me all day.
Wouldn't you rather do that?
That just seems like something that you would really enjoy doing.
- Shosh. - Okay, on it.
- ...breakfast yet. - What do you mean, you didn't order it?
- Or it didn't show up? - I mean, it was fine...
No, no one just mentioned breakfast.
Fran.
Um, so...
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave,
just 'cause it's women's hour.
Shosh.
No.
Shosh.
Don't go, stay. It's fine.
I mean, if you want him to go.
But as the bride, I just want you to know that I'm fine.
Cool if you stay.
Totally fine if Shosh wants you to leave.
Up to you.
- Ugh, weddings. - Hannah.
I'm sorry, it's just they're stupid.
They're so stupid and you know what? Ultimately, they're selfish.
Not all weddings.
I mean, yeah, if you put too much weight on the dumb details, sure, but this...
Marnie, like, passive-aggressively handed me a razor.
I was like, "I already shaved my armpits."
To be fair, you're not great at it.
- It's, like, pretty patchy under there. - It's hard.
- Consistently patchy. - No.
Look, just try and be positive, okay?
And it's all gonna be over soon.
Yeah, but then she's gonna be married.
- To someone she barely knows. - She barely knows him?
No, I barely know him. You're not even listening to what I'm saying.
- Hey. - Hey.
What are they...
Oh, yeah, they're actually not here right now.
- Yeah, they're transcending. - Got it.
Should be back any minute, though.
Just wait around.
Marnie kicked Fran out of the house for "female" reasons,
so, um, can you take care of him?
- Yeah, sure. Have a seat. - Awesome.
Yeah, settle in, son, and just let the nightmare wash over you.
It's nice in here.
It's very, like, Skull and Bones, secret gentlemen's society.
Hi.
Hi. Oh, hello.
- Suit looks great. Very... - Serious.
- I have to, um... - Thank you.
...get back to the house or everyone's boobs are going to explode.
Okay.
Hey, man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm, uh, just...
Oh. How, um...
Uh, you know, nothing doing, but...
Oh, good, good, good.
Look, uh, if you need me to...
- I can just... - No, no, no, no. No.
I didn't just... I'm not... I didn't just...
No, I figured with, uh...
Yeah, but it's...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you guys try a few complete sentences?
This conversation sounds like a fucking E.E. Cummings poem.
Wow. I feel good, man. I feel incredible.
- All right. - Thank you.
Yeah, I thought meditation was just naps, but it's like a whole thing.
Well, you know, it is.
It's like naps where you wake up.
And I'm so happy to be able to share that with both of you.
And you, you, oh!
- I'm so proud of you, man. - Oh, thank you, baby.
Yes, you guys, listen. You guys, all of you.
One, two, three, four, five,
thank you for being here. It means so much to me.
- Wolfie, my old, dear friend. - Mmm-hmm.
My bald eagle, looking out for me from on high.
Adam, man, my comrade in arts, my comrade in arms.
- Mr. Rabbit. - Yeah, yeah.
Elijah, the lion.
A comic persona as skilled and radical as Lucille Ball.
I mean that.
Ray, when Marnie told me that you should be here,
I thought it was a mistake, and, you know, maybe it still will be a mistake,
but right now I feel like I'm happy that you're here.
Thank you for being here.
Thanks.
- It's Fran. - Fran.
- Hey, man. - I'm Hannah's boyfriend.
- We met at Marnie's birthday. - No, I know.
We went on a bike ride together, just you and me.
- You don't... - Yeah, Fran.
- I love that name. - Yeah.
I love you, Fran.
I love you, too, man.
This is among one of the greatest days of my life, you guys.
I'm getting married today.
- Yes. - Yep.
Does anybody want a beer?
I have got this really good brew that you can only get upstate.
No, thank you, Fran.
Yeah, I'm gonna take MDMA just before the vows, so I shouldn't mix.
Well, Fran, I'd fucking love one.
Coming in hot.
So, I've been living in Japan for, like, seven months now,
and it has seeped into my soul.
Like, I swear, influenced me professionally, spiritually, the way I bathe,
my choice of pens, everything.
But how do you understand what the fuck they're saying? I don't get it.
Oh, no, they speak better English than, like, any of us.
- Do they really? - Mmm-hmm.
- No kidding. - So, Bay-Bay...
Yeah? No, Bebe, thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry, Bebe.
I'm so happy you're here. Thank you for joining us.
Aw, thanks. I'm happy to be here.
- This is really fun. - Oh, good, good, good.
I saw on your website you did Sophia Bush's makeup for her sister's wedding.
I sure did. You know what? That was such a treat.
She is like a little angel.
She let me bring my 30-year-old daughter along and we had a ball.
I gotta tell you what, those Bushes know how to party.
You have a 30-year-old daughter?
- When did you have her? - Oh, God, I don't know.
Okay, well, let's just talk about the aesthetic of the wedding.
- Okay. - We're thinking Laurel Canyon classic.
So, does that mean anything to you?
Like, a Selena Gomez kind of thing?
Nope, let me try that one more time. Uh...
Let's do like a Ralph Lauren and Joni Mitchell.
Uh, artistic, but also with a nod to my cultural heritage,
which is white Christian woman.
My fiancé and I, both musicians.
Okay, so Jesus.
Selena Gomez meets Jesus. I can do it.
Yeah, so, right now
uh, Shosh's hair feels a little bit Japanese-y to me.
Just getting started. Don't worry, honey, it's gonna be great.
- Okay, great. - Just go have yourself a glass of wine.
- Relax. - Do whatever you wanna do.
I'm totally easy, easy-going girl.
- You know me, right? - Okay.
Just make sure you run everything by me before it's final.
I just wanna make sure I sign off on it before it's set in its spray, okay?
Thank you so much for being here, goodbye.
Oh, my God, it is so much fun.
Oh, fuck you.
It's horrendous.
It's nice.
I think when it comes down, I'm gonna...
- Brush it. - Oh, oh, oh. It's not done?
You look good.
Thank you. I found this.
Thanks. Oh.
- Honestly, I feel really bad for Marnie. - Why?
Her mother's a fucking lunatic.
Hannah is just being Hannah.
Shoshanna since she got back from Japan is somehow
even more like a cartoon.
I'm just trying to be a source of support.
- Thanks. - That's good.
- Yeah. - That's good, be of service.
Mmm-hmm. And how is it over there?
You guys just, like, doing circle jerks and pounding beers?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And what about Fran? Is it weird?
Who's Fran?
What do you mean, who's Fran? Fran.
Oh, yeah... Yeah, he's... He's nice.
What do you mean he's nice?
He's nice. He's polite. He's funny or whatever.
You don't wanna take him out back and show him what you're made of?
- No. - Buy him a ticket to the gun show?
Yes. No.
You're a liar.
No, no, no. I'm, uh... I'm evolved.
- That's good. - I don't care.
- I'm happy for her. - Cool.
Great. I don't care either.
Well...
I...
I can't.
Okay, see ya.
Shit.
So, Fran...
- Fran. - Hmm.
You seem like a nice guy,
but I have to ask, what are your, um, intentions with Hannah?
Uh, well, right now, I guess we're just trying to figure out...
Well, here's the thing to know, Fran,
is that while she's painfully narcissistic, shockingly tone-deaf,
and just generally one of the most insufferable people you'll ever meet,
she means something to me.
She's like a younger sister to me, Fran.
So, what I want to know from you is are you serious about this?
Or are you just in it for a quick, you know, push-push-in-the-bush?
What?
Are you trying to get to know this woman?
Are you trying to really connect to this other individual in this world?
Or are you just experimenting
with more and more complex sexual positions
until her knees blow out and her pussy turns to rubber?
Oh, my God.
I mean, do you ask her how she feels about things?
What she's thinking about?
What are her opinions about, you know,
transgender politics, the afterlife?
Because young men today, they don't ask those type of questions.
All they ask is what they can get from a given situation.
They demand faithfulness
and then they suck the spirit out of women who are so fucking spirited.
Ray?
The love of my life is getting married today.
Today, the love of my life
is getting married,
and I don't have the guts to pull a Graduate.
I don't have it in me.
Because I know
I'm not the person that she wants.
I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't fucking do it!
- Desi, come on. - I'm too fucking scared.
- I'm not fucking ready. - Take this rage and turn it into bravery.
Don't try to follow me.
Hey, hey, you've bailed seven times. Don't make it eight!
Desi!
What was that?
Just a little bit of cold feet.
You know, he's always quick on the engagement trigger,
but I thought that eight was the magic number.
And I thought that he was actually into Marnie since they were going through with this.
But now is now.
All right, I'll be back.
Hey, be gentle on him, brother.
He's got a really complicated thing with his mom.
Okay, here we go.
Ow.
Okay, I'm sorry, but that flower crown is corny as hell.
Mom, no one asked you.
You have a beautiful forehead. Please do not cover it.
And why do you want to look like
the Statue of Liberty in all your wedding pictures?
No, Mom, it's super modern.
Bill de Blasio's daughter wears one all the time.
Ah, Bebe, that pin literally went through my skull.
- Sorry. - That's okay.
- Marnie... - Yes, Mom.
- Keep it classic, please. - Okay, okay.
I wore shoulder pads to my wedding
and I regret it every time I look at those photos.
More than you regret marrying the sex addict who's also in those photos?
Uh, yeah, 'cause that was fun for a while.
Well, you know, I was on the Vans Warped Tour this summer
and I saw Vanessa Hudgens in the pit
and she had one of these crowns on and you look just like her.
Well, that's just great and weird.
Just when we ask for second opinions, we'll come to you right away, okay?
- We're good. - Okay.
And this is my daughter, and this is my day.
Okay, I'm gonna start on someone else while you two work this thing out, all right?
- Okay. - Good idea.
- Okay, good. - Okay, yeah, that's good.
- She's crazy. - I'm gonna kill you.
- Hey, sugar. - Hi.
All right, what are you thinking for your look?
Um, I don't know, just maybe, like, wet a comb and just neaten my hair up.
I don't know. My hair's pretty short, so you can't really do anything with it.
But we have, like, all the hair accessories.
I'd rather just feel like myself.
Okay, well, it's not really about you, but whatever.
Yeah, I mean, it's not like you don't have options.
I pulled together a bunch of the different looks from the mood board.
They're all in the iPad.
You can flip through them one more time. There's floral crowns, obviously.
There's braid headband. Um...
We have extensions. We can give you a weave.
You forage for stuff outside and put it in your fucking hair.
I don't care. You just have to wear something.
You know, I'd rather not.
Oh, well, we'd rather you did.
Mom, let me handle this. Hannah, you have to.
This is part of a very specific vision that I had for this wedding.
A vision from an Edward Sharpe video, and it is mine.
Ow! Ow, ow.
I'm sorry, you just burned me.
- All right, sit still. - No! No.
- Jesus. - I can't do this!
Marnie, why do you even bother with that girl?
Honestly, you look like a Starbucks cup.
Out.
It's so awful in there, Fran.
It's like I can't even describe it.
It's like a rom-com that even I wouldn't want to watch.
Can you please pull on my sleeve, whatever the fuck this is?
What are you doing here? It's like a noose.
It's like a really bad rom-com
that's, like, too obvious and not funny.
I hate this dress. The straps are longer than the dress.
Yeah.
I mean, I guess you're right.
At least soon she'll be all married and happy, and...
Oh, Hannah, I just learned something kind of intense in there.
Oh, yeah, Ray was circumcised when he was 20,
so his dick does this thing where it, like, bleeds...
No, no, I know. No, I know about that.
No, um, it's Desi. This is his eighth engagement.
- What? - Yeah.
I mean, you know, never a wedding, but...
He's freaking out.
- And that ring, the ring for Marnie? - Yeah?
That was for his ex-girlfriend.
- Clementine? - Yeah.
I knew she had a fruit name.
Oh, my God, I have to go tell Marnie right now.
No, Hannah, you can't. No, no, no, I just told you in confidence.
I trusted you.
I have to tell her. There's no way she knows.
- She must know. - There's no way she knows.
She must've picked up on something, anything.
You'd be surprised how much she can miss.
Oh, fuck.
Now I don't have to tell her anything 'cause she's gonna kill herself.
Hannah.
Desi!
What the fuck are you doing?
You're right! I don't deserve her!
Get out of the pond!
I'm garbage.
I'm a garbage person!
Okay, let's wrap up the one-man show and get you up to dry land, okay?
Oh, what do you care? You still love her.
Yeah, but I still don't want you to die of a rare pond disease.
Oh, what am I doing?
Fuck!
What am I doing, Ray? I don't know how to be a husband.
No.
No, you don't.
But you know what being a husband is about, Desi?
It's about love.
And love is about sacrifice and destiny,
and making a sacrifice for the one you love
that allows them to find their destiny.
You know?
Yes.
- Yeah. - Destiny.
- Yes. - Yeah.
- Destiny. - Yeah.
You sacrificed Marnie so she could find her destiny.
And I am that destiny.
And I'm not gonna let a couple of fucking little botched marriage attempts
on my part get in the way of her happiness!
Well, that's not exactly what I'm saying.
- What I'm saying... - Thank you, Ray.
- Thank you. - Okay.
But what I'm saying is you should allow her...
Let's ditch this pisshole!
I got a fucking woman to marry.
Okay, but... Desi?
Hold on one second, though.
I think I just need to powder you and we're good.
Uh, I think it's a little heavy.
No, no, no, no, no, honey, this is the exact right look for this dress.
You see, your dress is light, so we gotta weigh it down on the face.
- Even the lips? - Yes.
- Okay. Are you sure? - I've been doing this for 25 years.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck is your fucking problem?
I don't have a problem.
I just think that the makeup is a little bit, um,
shellacked.
It looks like you went to Hershey, Pennsylvania, and just went, like...
It's just a lot.
Well, have you ever even worn makeup before?
Yes, I wear mascara every Saturday.
Yeah, the dress is light, so we have to weigh it down with makeup.
You guys think that maybe this is, like, a little bit heavy?
You know what? You all are a bunch of bitches.
Do you know that? Sophia Bush, grateful.
You, twats.
Twat, twat, twat. An army full of twats.
- Why does Bebe do this to herself? - Oh, no. Fuck, no, Bebe.
- I look fucking insane! - You look fucking beautiful!
No, I don't, and it's fucking raining!
But fertility.
Everyone, shut the fuck up about fertility!
"Oh, fertility. You're gonna get fucking pregnant."
What if I don't want to? I wear an IUD for a fucking reason.
And it's raining on my fucking wedding day!
Fuck!
Fuck! Ah!
It's weddings... It's to be expected.
- Go away. - Marn?
- No! No. - Marn, please.
Hannah, I don't feel like getting in a fucking fight with you right now, seriously.
I'm not gonna get in a fight with you.
I just want to say that you look beautiful.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You do. You look so beautiful.
My makeup is insane.
It's not insane, okay?
If we just take it down a little...
Around the face.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I have been so fucking awful today.
- Yeah. - I don't know what to say.
I don't have a good excuse except that I was scared.
What? What the fuck are you scared about?
Marn, you're getting married.
That's a big deal.
That's everything changing.
And you're marrying Desi, who I barely even know.
That's because you haven't even tried to know me.
I don't know what that even means.
Hannah, it has literally been years since you checked in with me
to see, like, where I'm at.
And I'm not dumb. I know you guys are laughing at me,
and wondering what stupid fucking mistake Marnie's gonna make next.
But I have been there for you,
and I have stood by you while you've made some huge mistakes.
So the very least you could do right now
is to pretend that I might be doing the right thing.
You're totally right.
I have made a lot of really dumb mistakes.
Do you think I'm making a mistake?
I'm not the right person...
Do you?
No.
No, I am with you every step of the way.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm excited.
Yeah, good.
Who's the guy with the beard and the long hair
who showed up in the Porsche?
That guy. That one.
Oh. Um, I can't remember his name,
but I know that he splits the Porsche with somebody.
What about the guy with the cane and the eye patch?
Jesus, your faces.
Excuse you?
I love you.
Oh, my God.
It's okay. You look great.
You look really great.
- But my face. - Okay.
- I'm gonna handle this. - I think she looks great.
It's like you take a tiny bit of tissue and you've got this on lock.
- What's that? - It's...
Ah...
They're so nice.
Mother of the bride.
And the girls.
It's all happening, gentlemen.
Made it to the altar.
And I owe it all to you.
Hannah, you coming?