1 00:00:14,098 --> 00:00:15,599 Home invasion. 2 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:17,601 Fran? 3 00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:20,604 Fran. Fran. 4 00:00:21,105 --> 00:00:23,107 - Hmm? - Someone's in the house. 5 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,109 You're good, baby. You're good. 6 00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:28,362 Go check. Fran, get up. Someone's in the house. 7 00:00:30,573 --> 00:00:32,783 Fran's coming to the living room. 8 00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:34,368 So watch out. 9 00:00:37,288 --> 00:00:38,289 Um... 10 00:00:39,457 --> 00:00:40,750 Jacob? 11 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:42,293 Oh, hey, what up, Fran, man? 12 00:00:42,585 --> 00:00:43,878 Oh, my God. It's just Jacob. 13 00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:46,589 Hey, how are you guys? 14 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:49,300 Jacob, you scared the shit out of me. 15 00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,636 Oh, I'm sorry... 16 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,139 I had to clear all this stuff, I just pushed it against the wall 17 00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:58,559 'cause I needed room and space for the project I'm working on. 18 00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,144 Uh, project? 19 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,480 Yeah, I'm making a map of my body 20 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:06,233 because I realized that every day I'm kind of growing a little bit. 21 00:01:06,317 --> 00:01:08,736 Like, just a little bit, but I can tell that there's a difference. 22 00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:11,280 You can see it in my skin. Like, look at all this skin. 23 00:01:11,322 --> 00:01:13,282 A neck shouldn't be like this. This isn't normal. 24 00:01:13,324 --> 00:01:15,743 And I don't know if it's part of just my skin or if it's in my blood. 25 00:01:15,826 --> 00:01:17,078 Fran, Fran, he's crazy. 26 00:01:17,328 --> 00:01:19,163 - Wait, what did you just say? - He's crazy. 27 00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:20,331 - Let's not... - I get what's going on. 28 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:21,832 What did your bitch just fucking say to me? 29 00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:23,084 You don't need to use language like that, okay? 30 00:01:23,167 --> 00:01:25,169 - He's fully insane. - What did you just fucking say to me? 31 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:26,670 - I didn't say anything. - You're bar mitzvah-ed, man. 32 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:27,797 I don't care if I was bar mitzvah-ed. 33 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,924 - I did not call you crazy. I was saying... - The fuck did you... 34 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,258 Ow! 35 00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:32,968 Whoa, okay. You all right? 36 00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,637 Ow! It didn't touch me, but it could have. 37 00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,013 - Why are you talking about me? - All right. 38 00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:37,807 Why would she think I'm crazy? What did you tell her? 39 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,433 Take it easy. Take it easy. 40 00:01:39,517 --> 00:01:42,311 I want to slow down. I want to be the fucking slowest in the world. 41 00:01:42,353 --> 00:01:45,815 But I'm like a slow-motion Incredible Hulk and I'm gonna fucking Hulk out! 42 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,483 No, no, no, no. We're good. We're good. 43 00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:49,276 You got your fucking bush hanging out. 44 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:52,696 It's blowing in the fucking wind like a fucking Bob Dylan concert. 45 00:01:52,822 --> 00:01:54,198 Well, we just woke up, okay? 46 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:56,367 - I didn't pay her to see her bush. - I understand. 47 00:01:56,492 --> 00:01:58,786 I'm not putting quarters onto a table to see her fucking bush. 48 00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,162 - You understand? Okay? - Yeah, yeah. 49 00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:03,332 And if I was doing that, I would go and I would have mozzarella sticks 50 00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:05,501 and I would go look at a fucking bushy cooch. 51 00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:07,294 But I don't want to fucking do that, okay? 52 00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:09,547 If it's making you uncomfortable, 53 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,382 - I will cover my bush. - Don't... 54 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,225 I feel like you got the bigger half. 55 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:22,643 Well, if I did my job right, 56 00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:24,895 then they should be the exact same size, buddy. 57 00:02:25,688 --> 00:02:26,981 Sure it's okay if I stay here? 58 00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:30,359 Yeah, of course. What are you gonna do, get a seedy motel out by JFK? 59 00:02:30,401 --> 00:02:31,485 I don't know. 60 00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:35,406 I really thought Jacob was doing good, taking his meds, you know? 61 00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:37,408 I try and look out for him, but... 62 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,578 Listen, it's so sweet of you to care, but he's fucking crazy. 63 00:02:40,703 --> 00:02:42,413 Let's pretend he never existed. 64 00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:44,582 - Yeah. - You're gonna be safe here. 65 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:47,418 Elijah is not at all violent, except when he drinks. 66 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:50,087 And you know what? The one time he thought he had a growth, he was right. 67 00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:51,755 I'm not ashamed. 68 00:02:51,881 --> 00:02:53,924 Look, Fran, the house rules are simple, okay? 69 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:56,093 - Keep it sweet, keep it sexy... - Mmm-hmm. 70 00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:58,596 Keep that fridge stocked with K-Mart brand seltzer. 71 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,097 It can be found at Valley Stream, Long Island. 72 00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:02,057 - Yeah, or it can be LaCroix. - LaCroix. 73 00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:03,642 What are you guys doing up so early? 74 00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:05,436 Oh. Are you going to "work"? 75 00:03:05,644 --> 00:03:08,939 Stop putting it in quotes. It's a job. You should try it. 76 00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:12,568 I work at Ray's, okay? That's like a job. 77 00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:15,696 Except it involves Ray and I can't take my shirt off. 78 00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:17,198 You could take your shirt off. 79 00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:18,782 I've taken both things off there. 80 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,367 I know, but it's different if you're a girl. 81 00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:22,995 Okay, buddy, we gotta go. 82 00:03:23,162 --> 00:03:26,040 - I forgot to wear a bra. - Well, just stick with it, you know? 83 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:27,541 Eighth-grade boys are gonna love it. 84 00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:30,377 - Have a good day, baby. - I love you. Mmm. 85 00:03:32,588 --> 00:03:34,256 Uh... 86 00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:39,094 What, are we supposed to not do this now that you're around? 87 00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:40,679 Mmm. 88 00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:42,181 Maybe. 89 00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:45,309 We have a very specific relationship and we have to be able to express ourselves. 90 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:46,644 We worked really hard to get here. 91 00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:49,271 If you want to get in here, we can see if we can figure something out. 92 00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:51,732 - That's not what I meant. - Well, that's what I meant. 93 00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:56,362 Oh, I mean, it's just been incredible, Adam. Beyond my wildest dreams. 94 00:03:56,612 --> 00:04:00,366 You know, I'm her mother, but she's my mother, you know? 95 00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:03,911 - What? - Lovey, how's my porridge coming? 96 00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:07,498 Uh, great, angel. Would you like hemp or agave syrup? 97 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:11,085 Laird, no agave. Fuck agave. How many times do I have to tell you? 98 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:13,420 It is through the roof on the glycemic index. 99 00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,756 - Throw it away. - All right. 100 00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:19,260 Down the sink, in front of my eyes. I want to see you throw it away. 101 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:20,427 Okay. God. 102 00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:23,138 Take your time. Thank you. 103 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,017 Oh, yes. Okay, you're gonna go see your uncle. 104 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,061 - Yes, yes, yes. - No, no, no. 105 00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:31,230 - Oh, yes. Yes. - No. No, it's too small. 106 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:33,732 Brother, I have to take a shit. There you go. 107 00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:37,820 Do you want your porridge first? 108 00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,196 No, I don't want my porridge first. 109 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:42,241 And no knocking on this door for 40 minutes, Laird. 40. 110 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,668 Gotta give a mother her time. 111 00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,795 Are you getting any time? 112 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,756 Oh, me? No, I don't deserve time. 113 00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:02,136 You know, I'm not the one who pushed a baby out the hole next to my pee-hole. 114 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,055 You should have one. Huh? 115 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:08,017 A baby, I mean, not another pee-hole. 116 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,060 Yeah, maybe I will. 117 00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:11,520 Oh, yeah? 118 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:14,815 You got a little something brewing on the old love front? 119 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:16,358 Uh... 120 00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:19,486 Oh, uh, maybe. 121 00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,905 Do you ever have feelings for someone, 122 00:05:22,573 --> 00:05:26,118 but the situation is, uh, complex? 123 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:30,456 Uh, yeah, ever heard of a little lady called Hannah Horvath? 124 00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:35,294 That, my friend, was an issue of timing. 125 00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:37,254 Bad timing. 126 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,381 Yeah, right around when we met, 127 00:05:39,465 --> 00:05:42,676 she had just gone in for, like, this big vagina surgery. 128 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:47,806 That's what she told me, at least. 129 00:05:50,476 --> 00:05:52,978 The guy who just walked out is wearing a monocle. 130 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,147 There's a breast-feeding section. 131 00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:58,442 What kind of a fucking douchebag names their store after a font? 132 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,986 I know, right? The coffee is so good. 133 00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:05,824 That place is turning this shop into a ghost town. 134 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:07,951 Yeah, it's empty in here. 135 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:10,329 All right, you can't go there anymore. 136 00:06:10,621 --> 00:06:11,872 What? Why? 137 00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:13,999 Why do you think? You work here now. 138 00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:16,627 They're the competition. We don't fraternize with the enemy. 139 00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:18,295 Think about it. 140 00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:21,673 Plus, they don't use lids, which is not only empirically terrible, 141 00:06:21,799 --> 00:06:23,967 but also forces people to come here and steal our lids. 142 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,469 Yeah, but the coffee is so good. 143 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,096 - The coffee here is good. - Is it? 144 00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:29,223 Yes, it is. Listen carefully. 145 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:32,643 You work here now. You drink my coffee. Do you understand that? 146 00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:35,020 Do you have any idea of what kind of a sign this sends? 147 00:06:35,104 --> 00:06:37,231 When my employee starts endorsing their product? 148 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:38,857 Do you have any idea? 149 00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:41,985 Keep it in your pants, okay? I'll just go there to buy the beans. 150 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,821 I can make the coffee here. 151 00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:50,160 So then I got my third DUI. 152 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:54,248 And a normal person would be like, "Fuck drinking," at this point. 153 00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:56,667 Not me, I was like, "Fuck driving." 154 00:06:57,835 --> 00:07:01,213 So I got a bike and I started to ride my bike everywhere. 155 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,799 Till I hit that Polish kid. 156 00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:08,178 You'd think that a bike couldn't do that kind of damage, 157 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,805 but he was messed up. 158 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,226 - Hey! - Jesus fucking Christ. 159 00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:15,978 - Sorry. - You cannot grab people like that. 160 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,187 Sorry. 161 00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,939 I thought you were a murderer. 162 00:07:19,231 --> 00:07:21,191 - Okay. - No, no, no. 163 00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:23,068 We should talk about what happened. 164 00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:25,863 - We most certainly should not talk about that. - Yeah, we should. 165 00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:28,115 For our sobriety. 166 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,283 You know what we should do? 167 00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:30,784 We should pretend like it never happened, 168 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:33,454 and then, maybe even never speak again. 169 00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:34,705 I don't want to do that. 170 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:37,374 - Well, who asked you what you want? - You feel something for me. 171 00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:40,085 I know it. You're hiding behind your accent. 172 00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:42,504 - So what? - So, we have to address it. 173 00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:43,881 What? And then what? 174 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:46,425 It doesn't matter because nothing can ever happen. 175 00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:47,801 Why not? 176 00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:51,430 Because you stupid, fucking... You idiot. 177 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:53,682 - Because Hannah. - She doesn't want to be with me. 178 00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:56,059 It doesn't matter. She's my friend. 179 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,687 It's shitty, and I'm done being shitty. 180 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,230 Shitty is old news. 181 00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:01,607 We're friends. 182 00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,817 Yeah? So what? 183 00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:07,613 So can we just, uh, be with each other like, uh... 184 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,032 Friends? 185 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,077 - Like follow me around? - Yeah. 186 00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:21,710 Okay. Well, I have really big plans today. 187 00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,339 Do you need help, friend? 188 00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,344 Okay, so, the central conflict of Goodbye, Columbus, 189 00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:33,680 besides whether I am personally attracted to Philip Roth or not, 190 00:08:33,764 --> 00:08:35,349 is the idea that there's these, like, 191 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:40,229 chosen Jews and these lesser Jews, and this class conflict within a religion 192 00:08:40,312 --> 00:08:43,857 is keeping people who love each other from feeling safe together. 193 00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:45,943 Yes, Nellie? 194 00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:48,654 Um, should we really be reading something about birth control? 195 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:51,490 Like, honestly, this is basically a how-to guide to sex. 196 00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:53,283 Yeah, you're welcome. 197 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:55,744 Yeah, that's inappropriate. 198 00:08:55,827 --> 00:08:56,995 Yeah? 199 00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:01,708 Miss Horvath, there's an urgent call for you in Principal Toby's office. 200 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,502 Urgent? Who is it? 201 00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,504 I couldn't make out the name, actually. 202 00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:07,714 He's crying. 203 00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:10,467 Okay, Nellie, I'm gonna leave you in charge 204 00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,553 because you have a very authoritative presence, 205 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:15,639 but I don't want you to use this time to continue to preach your agenda. 206 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:16,765 Thanks. 207 00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,561 - Dad, is that you? - Hannah? 208 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:23,939 What's going on, Dad? I can't hear you. 209 00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,441 What's happening in the background? Is there, like, a bad connection? 210 00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:28,110 Like, I really can't hear you. 211 00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,153 I'm crying, banana. 212 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,155 Oh, okay. So, where are you? 213 00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:35,033 I'm in the Marriott in Times Square. 214 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:38,161 - Room 1706. - All right, I'll be right there. 215 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:39,830 I'll be right there. 216 00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:41,290 I'm sorry, I was just... 217 00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:42,874 Yeah, could I see you for a minute, please? 218 00:09:43,542 --> 00:09:44,751 Of course. 219 00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:50,632 I hear you're reading Goodbye, Columbus? 220 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:55,012 Yes, I felt that Goodbye, Columbus would be the best Philip Roth for the kids. 221 00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:56,263 Uh-huh. 222 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:59,558 Because I feel the best Philip Roth for kids 223 00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:01,101 is no Philip Roth. 224 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:05,105 Principal Toby, I really wasn't expecting you to pile on me, too. 225 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,898 I mean, Nellie's an eighth-grader. I understand... 226 00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:09,901 Hannah, look. I'm gonna tell you something, teacher to teacher. 227 00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,029 - Okay. - And it's something that took me 228 00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,322 a long time to learn. 229 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,867 Just because kids can grasp the words 230 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:19,369 doesn't mean they're ready for the concepts. 231 00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:20,829 Yes. 232 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:25,083 So it's not a question of appropriate versus inappropriate, but rather, 233 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:29,463 what are we gaining from having them read this book now? 234 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,341 I think they're gonna gain a unique understanding 235 00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,343 of how Jewish men, particularly in their 20s, 236 00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:39,306 are this just very specific mix of sexual bravado and extreme self-hatred, 237 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,933 and it can be really destructive to the girls they choose to fuck. 238 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:46,271 Yeah, okay, so maybe it is a question of inappropriate. 239 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:50,942 Principal Toby, I think I've told you that my father is gay, yes? 240 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,903 - Oh, yeah. - So, he just called me 241 00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:54,738 from a Midtown hotel room sobbing, 242 00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,824 and that leads me to believe that something pretty invasive 243 00:10:57,908 --> 00:10:59,493 has happened to his body. 244 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:03,080 So I feel like I've gotta get there kind of on the quick. 245 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,040 Yeah, okay. I like you. 246 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,250 I really like you. And I think you... 247 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,461 I like you, too. You're one of the smartest people I've ever met, 248 00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:11,171 and so gentle, and so kind, 249 00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:12,881 and I feel like we work really well together, 250 00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:15,092 so just, you know, have Shana check in on my class 251 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,843 and I'll be back ASAP. 252 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:35,070 How's it going, man? How can I help you? 253 00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,947 I'm actually not here for any coffee. 254 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,825 I'm your business neighbor from across the street there. 255 00:11:40,492 --> 00:11:41,827 What, that Starbucks? 256 00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:43,370 It's not a Starbucks. 257 00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:46,957 It's one of two businesses operated by one small business owner. 258 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,667 Oh, okay. Sorry. 259 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,794 I kind of get the chains confused sometimes, you know. 260 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,921 It's, what, Ray's? 261 00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:57,050 And then Starbucks, Caribou Coffee. There's Peet's Coffee. 262 00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:59,052 There's Cheesecake Factory. They have coffee. 263 00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:00,637 Dunkin' Donuts has their own coffee. 264 00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:04,599 Guy Fieri's American Grill, Chili's, Applebee's, Olive Garden. 265 00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:06,643 I mean, the list goes on and on, right? 266 00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:10,063 Let me just tell you why I'm here, okay? 267 00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:12,899 I'm here because while you've decided to take some sort of, um, 268 00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:15,110 political stance on lids, 269 00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:19,114 it appears to absolutely no one's surprise that people actually like lids. 270 00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:21,825 So what's happening is people are coming here 271 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,118 to purchase your coffee, 272 00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,704 then they're crossing the street and stealing my lids. 273 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:27,748 That sucks. 274 00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:29,624 Indeed. Indeed, it does suck. 275 00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:33,754 Would you like to put forth any solutions to this problem? 276 00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:36,214 No. 277 00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:39,509 Here's one. Maybe you could just put lids on your coffees. 278 00:12:43,472 --> 00:12:44,681 Why are you laughing? 279 00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,559 - It's just funny. - It's just funny. 280 00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,478 Would you care to expound upon that, sir? 281 00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:52,814 Why'd you feel the need to call me "sir"? 282 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:54,524 What the fuck, man? 283 00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,445 I am so sorry. When I... 284 00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:01,031 Female? 285 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,574 Oh, female? You a biologist? 286 00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:05,494 You a biological essentialist? You a detective? 287 00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:07,996 Is that what you are? 'Cause we don't like biologists. 288 00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:09,456 We also don't like detectives. 289 00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,209 What is going on here? 290 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,419 "What's going on here?" 291 00:13:14,503 --> 00:13:17,047 Uh, what's going on here is that you offended they, all right? 292 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,841 And you offended me, so I think it's best that you leave. 293 00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:23,970 - Can we get back to the lids? - White man? Yeah. 294 00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:25,305 I think you need to go, white man. 295 00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:27,724 White man. White man. 296 00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:29,935 Yeah, white man! 297 00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:32,854 Thank you for saying what I can't. 298 00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,775 I'm sorry. That sucks. 299 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,325 Nice plans, freak. 300 00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:48,286 Uh, you don't know my life. 301 00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:50,997 Heart and soul at the end of a pole. 302 00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:52,707 All you have to, everybody... 303 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,209 Remember me? 304 00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:57,170 Jessa, I told you once, I told you a million times, 305 00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:59,631 do not bother me at work. 306 00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:03,802 - Go to the institution... - Robin, I want my $30, and I want it today. 307 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,720 Let's go for the middle one. 308 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,264 - Yeah. - Yeah? 309 00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,808 - Almost. - Come on! 310 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,316 It's only $30. I don't mean to holler. 311 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,277 If it's only $30, we'll start on faith. 312 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,238 Here, smell the mint? Government! 313 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:25,699 Nothing like a good joke. Hey, he likes it. 314 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,415 What? 315 00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:37,085 Thank you. 316 00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,337 - More frogs. - Okay. 317 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:40,922 More frogs. 318 00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:47,888 I know how you do everything. 319 00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:49,347 Like this one? 320 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:51,850 Ugh! 321 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,476 He likes it. He likes it. 322 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,275 No! 323 00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:04,321 One, two, three, go. 324 00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:06,031 Whoo! 325 00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,384 Daddy? 326 00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,182 I'm gonna come in, okay? 327 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,059 Okay, Hannah. 328 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:37,520 Hi. 329 00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:39,689 - Hey, are you okay? - Hey. 330 00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:41,024 Oh, yeah. I'm good. 331 00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,151 - What are you doing here? - Uh... 332 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,656 I came to the city to meet someone. 333 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,661 Um, is it a man? A male someone? 334 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,079 Mmm-hmm. 335 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,791 Okay, um... And how did that go? 336 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,503 Well, I was doing some emailing, right? 337 00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:04,923 And while I was on the Internet, I typed in the word "gay." 338 00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,509 - Yeah, okay. - On the browser there. 339 00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:11,888 And the first thing that came up was gay.com, which was a dating site. 340 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,183 Okay, so you typed in "gay" into your browser for no apparent reason. 341 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,018 Well, I was looking for porn sites. 342 00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:18,353 - Yeah. - Yeah. 343 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:19,688 But the point is, 344 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,232 I met someone online, 345 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,735 and I decided to come to the city and meet him in person. 346 00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:27,028 Okay. 347 00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,155 Um, what happened? 348 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,033 He didn't look anything like his Internet photo. 349 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,411 - No, they never do, so... - I mean, this guy, 350 00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:36,871 he was sinister. 351 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,375 His apartment was so small... 352 00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:41,918 Okay, well, that's just New York real estate. 353 00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:43,795 You can't judge someone by how small their apartment is. 354 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:47,966 There was a purple couch. It was all purple. 355 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:52,262 And the dog, this huge dog was... 356 00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:53,930 You know what? I don't need every little detail. 357 00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:55,765 I don't need to hear about the nuance. 358 00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:58,268 I just want to know, like, are you all right? 359 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,354 What happened? 360 00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:05,191 I left my wallet. 361 00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:09,154 That's okay. You just call the credit card company 362 00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:11,656 - and you get new credit cards. - I'm so stupid. 363 00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:14,451 You're not stupid. I lose my wallet like three times a month. 364 00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:17,871 My wallet must've slipped out of my pants when I took them off. 365 00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:20,123 Okay, don't tell me that you took off your pants! 366 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,667 But listen, I didn't want to go back to get my wallet. 367 00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:25,211 I didn't know who else to call. 368 00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:26,671 So you want me to go back to the house 369 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,631 of the guy you just hooked up with and get your wallet? 370 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:29,841 Yeah. 371 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:32,177 - Oh, my God. - Please. 372 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,723 Where does Mom think you are? 373 00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:40,518 - Where did you tell her you are? - Uh... 374 00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:43,563 - Uncle Jeff's. - Oh, my God. 375 00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:46,316 - Why'd you have to bring Uncle Jeff into this? - I know, I know. 376 00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:47,525 Hi, Mom. 377 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,320 Hannah, where the fuck have you been? 378 00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:54,657 I have been at work, and now I am in, uh... 379 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,576 - I'm with Dad. - What? 380 00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,871 - Where is he? - We're in Midtown. 381 00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:03,041 Oh. Well, I'm surprised he's not on Christopher Street, 382 00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,584 drowning in a pool of semen. 383 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,044 God, Mom, please. 384 00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:08,171 - Is he near you? - Yes, he is. 385 00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,339 Oh. Good, good, good. 386 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,174 - Can you give him a message for me? - Mmm-hmm. 387 00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:15,428 Tell him I want a fucking divorce. Tell him that, Hannah. 388 00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:20,100 What'd she say? 389 00:18:22,352 --> 00:18:24,270 Let's just go get your fucking wallet, okay? 390 00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:50,713 Yeah, hello. Can I help you? 391 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:54,134 Yeah, my dad just left his wallet here. 392 00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:57,053 He's the guy you just hooked up with. So... 393 00:18:58,221 --> 00:19:00,598 No, no. We didn't... 394 00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:02,559 We just had some wine... 395 00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:06,563 Kissed. We kissed. Uh, I'm Keith. 396 00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:08,398 Okay, Keith, well, I don't really know 397 00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:09,983 why my dad's wallet would've fallen out of the pants 398 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,442 he says he was removing if you just kissed, 399 00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:14,404 so I'm starting to feel like I can't really trust any of you people. 400 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,614 And by "you people," I don't mean homosexuals. 401 00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:19,576 I mean white men over 50. So can I just please have the wallet? 402 00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,662 Of course. Please come in. Come in. 403 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,586 - Here you go. - Thank you. 404 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,588 Um, yes, if you could... 405 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,840 Maybe say hi to your father from me? 406 00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:39,846 Um, and let him know that I got his name off his ID and I friended him on Facebook, 407 00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:42,599 and that he can connect with me there if he wants. 408 00:19:43,766 --> 00:19:47,145 Okay, you seem like a really nice man, Keith. 409 00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:49,981 Well, you seem like a nice young lady. 410 00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:52,025 Thank you. What, um... What do you do? 411 00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:55,320 Oh, I am a boot dealer. I deal fine boots. 412 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:58,948 And I can get you a pretty good discount. 413 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:03,119 Maybe. That would actually be great. 414 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:04,287 Well, um... 415 00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:06,623 A pleasure. 416 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:10,501 Who's that? 417 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,170 That's my Lois. 418 00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:13,963 She's really cute. It's insane. 419 00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:16,341 She actually looks like a toy. 420 00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:19,010 You should consider putting her in catalogues. 421 00:20:30,855 --> 00:20:34,817 So this was fine. Thank you for coming. 422 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:36,986 I'm gonna kiss you goodbye now. 423 00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:40,657 No. No, you're not. Because we are friends. 424 00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:42,825 Because you know as well as I do that 425 00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:46,537 even if we could be together, even if Hannah didn't exist, 426 00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:49,832 that I would destroy you. 427 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:51,876 And you would destroy me. 428 00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:53,419 We would destroy each other. 429 00:20:53,503 --> 00:20:55,213 You know where this ends up, right? 430 00:20:55,546 --> 00:21:00,176 With you in a body bag and me headed to the border, pregnant. 431 00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,930 - Seriously, it would be a problem. - It would be a problem. 432 00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:05,598 - It would. - It would. 433 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:06,933 Can you stop copying me? 434 00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:08,184 Could you please stop copying me? 435 00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:10,228 - Jesus Christ. - Jesus Christ. 436 00:21:13,690 --> 00:21:14,941 Here's your fish. 437 00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,235 Ooh, fuck me! 438 00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:19,279 You see? It's fucking dead. 439 00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,698 - Fucking God damn it. - You see? You see? 440 00:21:21,739 --> 00:21:24,367 'Cause you shook it all the way here, like an idiot. 441 00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:25,785 This is us. 442 00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:27,787 This is why we can't. 443 00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:31,541 Look, can we... 444 00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:35,044 Can we be together but not touch each other? 445 00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:40,633 Yeah, that's the whole point. We are not gonna touch each other. 446 00:21:48,308 --> 00:21:50,393 Don't look. It breaks the rules. 447 00:21:51,602 --> 00:21:53,646 You don't look at me. You're the... 448 00:21:54,105 --> 00:21:55,940 Fucking pervert in this house. 449 00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:00,987 Adam. 450 00:22:04,741 --> 00:22:05,783 New rules. 451 00:22:22,342 --> 00:22:23,676 Hey, so, how's Fran? 452 00:22:24,135 --> 00:22:25,928 Oh, he's good. We don't have to talk about me. 453 00:22:25,970 --> 00:22:28,848 Well, no, I want to. He seems like such a great guy. 454 00:22:29,098 --> 00:22:30,767 Yeah, he's really nice. 455 00:22:30,933 --> 00:22:32,977 Well, try and hold on to him, will you? 456 00:22:33,186 --> 00:22:35,813 Why does everybody keep saying that to me? 457 00:22:35,938 --> 00:22:38,608 Like I'm just gonna misplace him like a pair of keys. 458 00:22:38,649 --> 00:22:41,486 Well, in the past, you've had trouble making healthy choices. 459 00:22:41,611 --> 00:22:44,113 Okay, well, I wouldn't really talk about healthy choices if I were you, 460 00:22:44,155 --> 00:22:46,282 considering you just had sex with a complete stranger, 461 00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:47,450 probably unprotected. 462 00:22:47,533 --> 00:22:49,369 You probably just barebacked all day. 463 00:22:52,789 --> 00:22:55,792 What? Dad, I was just being provocative. 464 00:22:55,833 --> 00:22:58,127 You had unprotected sex with Keith? 465 00:22:58,503 --> 00:23:00,546 - Oh, my God. - He's a total rando. 466 00:23:00,630 --> 00:23:01,798 He's a boot dealer. 467 00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:03,299 What's wrong with you? 468 00:23:03,383 --> 00:23:05,802 Well, I haven't had to think about it in a long time. 469 00:23:06,344 --> 00:23:09,639 I'm gonna use the restroom, okay? Why don't you try and stay alive. 470 00:23:16,979 --> 00:23:18,064 Elijah. 471 00:23:18,481 --> 00:23:21,526 - Elijah! - What? I can do no more than I have done. 472 00:23:21,651 --> 00:23:24,362 - It's Horvath. - What about my important coffee work? 473 00:23:24,695 --> 00:23:26,155 It's not going anywhere. Here. 474 00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:31,494 Hannah, I can't talk. I'm at a job right now. It's really more of a career. 475 00:23:31,661 --> 00:23:33,579 Elijah, I need you to come here, okay? 476 00:23:33,704 --> 00:23:35,331 - It's an emergency. - What? 477 00:23:35,373 --> 00:23:37,500 It's my dad. He's really, really scared. 478 00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:38,876 Oh, shit, it got gayer? 479 00:23:39,001 --> 00:23:40,837 Dad had unprotected butt sex. 480 00:23:40,878 --> 00:23:42,171 Okay, okay. 481 00:23:42,255 --> 00:23:43,673 - I'll text you the address. - Okay. 482 00:23:43,756 --> 00:23:46,509 I have to go. Hannah's having a gay emergency with her gay dad. 483 00:23:46,592 --> 00:23:49,720 Hey, hey, that's not how work works! Hey! 484 00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:00,022 So, what are you gonna do? 485 00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:03,276 I have a flight home in the morning. 486 00:24:03,609 --> 00:24:05,111 Where will you stay? 487 00:24:05,445 --> 00:24:08,030 - What do you mean? - I mean, not with Mom. 488 00:24:08,614 --> 00:24:10,533 Of course, in our house. 489 00:24:10,616 --> 00:24:14,203 Dad, you came to New York to meet a man you found online. 490 00:24:14,245 --> 00:24:16,789 You can't just go back to Mom's house like nothing happened. 491 00:24:16,873 --> 00:24:19,542 Hannah, it's more complex than you understand. 492 00:24:19,625 --> 00:24:22,879 - Stop saying that. - Okay, but it's the truth. 493 00:24:23,129 --> 00:24:26,883 Well, maybe it's not more complex, okay? Because Mom wants a divorce. 494 00:24:30,636 --> 00:24:31,762 What? 495 00:24:33,806 --> 00:24:34,932 She said that, okay? 496 00:24:35,057 --> 00:24:36,726 She doesn't want to be married to you any more. 497 00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:38,561 She didn't say that. 498 00:24:57,914 --> 00:24:59,457 Um, no way, Cosette. 499 00:25:08,466 --> 00:25:10,426 Oh, thank you, but I didn't order this. 500 00:25:10,510 --> 00:25:11,844 I know. He did. 501 00:25:15,765 --> 00:25:16,933 What? 502 00:25:18,267 --> 00:25:20,144 I can't believe Dill Harcourt bought me a drink. 503 00:25:20,269 --> 00:25:21,604 He's my number one news source. 504 00:25:21,687 --> 00:25:24,106 He's everyone's news source. No shit. 505 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,526 I watch the news to him twice a day. 506 00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:31,697 You mind if I join you? 507 00:25:31,781 --> 00:25:35,326 Uh, I wouldn't think you needed to ask. 508 00:25:35,701 --> 00:25:38,329 Well, it's good to maintain the illusion of normalcy. 509 00:25:40,957 --> 00:25:44,794 Well, I gave up on that a long time ago, but for different reasons. 510 00:25:46,504 --> 00:25:48,548 - Elijah. - Dill. 511 00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,803 - Oh... - He's like, "I don't know what you're doing, 512 00:25:53,886 --> 00:25:55,721 - "but it's great." - You didn't know that? 513 00:26:00,851 --> 00:26:02,061 So, 514 00:26:03,187 --> 00:26:06,399 I'm gonna go downtown. 515 00:26:12,488 --> 00:26:14,156 I'm going uptown. 516 00:26:17,618 --> 00:26:19,829 It was very nice to meet you. 517 00:26:28,838 --> 00:26:30,339 Get home safe. 518 00:26:37,722 --> 00:26:39,515 Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 519 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,143 Fuck! What the fuck? 520 00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:44,520 "I'm going downtown." Fucking stupid. I deserve to die. 521 00:26:44,562 --> 00:26:46,314 I just want to stab myself in the heart. 522 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,322 I want you to call me. 523 00:27:02,371 --> 00:27:03,998 I don't know what to do. 524 00:27:04,999 --> 00:27:07,376 That's okay. I'm here. 525 00:27:08,252 --> 00:27:10,546 And I'm always gonna be here, so...