(CLATTERING AND THUDDING)
Home invasion.
- (CLATTERING CONTINUES) - Fran?
(WHISPERS) Fran. Fran.
- Hmm? - Someone's in the house.
You're good, baby. You're good.
Go check. Fran, get up. Someone's in the house.
(GROANS)
HANNAH: Fran's coming to the living room.
So watch out.
Um...
Jacob?
JACOB: Oh, hey, what up, Fran, man?
Oh, my God. It's just Jacob.
Hey, how are you guys?
Jacob, you scared the shit out of me.
Oh, I'm sorry... (STAMMERING)
I had to clear all this stuff, I just pushed it against the wall
'cause I needed room and space for the project I'm working on.
Uh, project?
Yeah, I'm making a map of my body
because I realized that every day I'm kind of growing a little bit.
Like, just a little bit, but I can tell that there's a difference.
You can see it in my skin. Like, look at all this skin.
A neck shouldn't be like this. This isn't normal.
And I don't know if it's part of just my skin or if it's in my blood.
(WHISPERS) Fran, Fran, he's crazy.
- Wait, what did you just say? - He's crazy.
- Let's not... - I get what's going on.
What did your bitch just fucking say to me?
You don't need to use language like that, okay?
- He's fully insane. - What did you just fucking say to me?
- I didn't say anything. - You're bar mitzvah-ed, man.
I don't care if I was bar mitzvah-ed.
- I did not call you crazy. I was saying... - The fuck did you...
(SCREAMS) Ow!
Whoa, okay. You all right?
Ow! It didn't touch me, but it could have.
- JACOB: Why are you talking about me? - All right.
Why would she think I'm crazy? What did you tell her?
Take it easy. Take it easy.
I want to slow down. I want to be the fucking slowest in the world.
But I'm like a slow-motion Incredible Hulk and I'm gonna fucking Hulk out!
No, no, no, no. We're good. We're good.
You got your fucking bush hanging out.
It's blowing in the fucking wind like a fucking Bob Dylan concert.
Well, we just woke up, okay?
- I didn't pay her to see her bush. - I understand.
I'm not putting quarters onto a table to see her fucking bush.
- You understand? Okay? - Yeah, yeah.
And if I was doing that, I would go and I would have mozzarella sticks
and I would go look at a fucking bushy cooch.
But I don't want to fucking do that, okay?
If it's making you uncomfortable,
- I will cover my bush. - Don't...
(MUFFLED SPEECH) I feel like you got the bigger half.
Well, if I did my job right,
then they should be the exact same size, buddy.
Sure it's okay if I stay here?
Yeah, of course. What are you gonna do, get a seedy motel out by JFK?
(MUFFLED SPEECH) I don't know.
I really thought Jacob was doing good, taking his meds, you know?
I try and look out for him, but...
Listen, it's so sweet of you to care, but he's fucking crazy.
Let's pretend he never existed.
- Yeah. - You're gonna be safe here.
Elijah is not at all violent, except when he drinks.
And you know what? The one time he thought he had a growth, he was right.
I'm not ashamed.
Look, Fran, the house rules are simple, okay?
- Keep it sweet, keep it sexy... - Mmm-hmm.
Keep that fridge stocked with K-Mart brand seltzer.
It can be found at Valley Stream, Long Island.
- Yeah, or it can be LaCroix. - LaCroix.
What are you guys doing up so early?
Oh. Are you going to "work"?
Stop putting it in quotes. It's a job. You should try it.
(STAMMERS) I work at Ray's, okay? That's like a job.
Except it involves Ray and I can't take my shirt off.
HANNAH: You could take your shirt off.
I've taken both things off there.
I know, but it's different if you're a girl.
Okay, buddy, we gotta go.
- I forgot to wear a bra. - Well, just stick with it, you know?
Eighth-grade boys are gonna love it.
- Have a good day, baby. - I love you. Mmm.
- (HANNAH GIGGLES) - ELIJAH: Uh... (CHUCKLES)
What, are we supposed to not do this now that you're around?
Mmm.
Maybe.
We have a very specific relationship and we have to be able to express ourselves.
We worked really hard to get here.
If you want to get in here, we can see if we can figure something out.
- That's not what I meant. - Well, that's what I meant.
Oh, I mean, it's just been incredible, Adam. Beyond my wildest dreams.
You know, I'm her mother, but she's my mother, you know?
- What? - Lovey, how's my porridge coming?
Uh, great, angel. Would you like hemp or agave syrup?
Laird, no agave. Fuck agave. How many times do I have to tell you?
It is through the roof on the glycemic index.
- Throw it away. - All right.
CAROLINE: Down the sink, in front of my eyes. I want to see you throw it away.
Okay. God.
- (BABY FUSSING) - Take your time. Thank you.
Oh, yes. Okay, you're gonna go see your uncle.
- Yes, yes, yes. - No, no, no.
- Oh, yes. Yes. - No. No, it's too small.
Brother, I have to take a shit. There you go.
(BABBLING)
LAIRD: Do you want your porridge first?
CAROLINE: No, I don't want my porridge first.
And no knocking on this door for 40 minutes, Laird. 40.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
(BABY COOING)
Gotta give a mother her time.
Are you getting any time?
Oh, me? No, I don't deserve time.
You know, I'm not the one who pushed a baby out the hole next to my pee-hole.
You should have one. Huh?
A baby, I mean, not another pee-hole.
Yeah, maybe I will.
LAIRD: Oh, yeah?
You got a little something brewing on the old love front?
- (LAUGHS) - Uh...
Oh, uh, maybe.
Do you ever have feelings for someone,
but the situation is, uh, complex?
Uh, yeah, ever heard of a little lady called Hannah Horvath?
(LAUGHS)
That, my friend, was an issue of timing.
Bad timing.
Yeah, right around when we met,
she had just gone in for, like, this big vagina surgery.
That's what she told me, at least.
RAY: The guy who just walked out is wearing a monocle.
ELIJAH: There's a breast-feeding section.
What kind of a fucking douchebag names their store after a font?
I know, right? The coffee is so good.
That place is turning this shop into a ghost town.
Yeah, it's empty in here.
All right, you can't go there anymore.
What? Why?
Why do you think? You work here now.
They're the competition. We don't fraternize with the enemy.
Think about it.
Plus, they don't use lids, which is not only empirically terrible,
but also forces people to come here and steal our lids.
Yeah, but the coffee is so good.
- The coffee here is good. - Is it?
Yes, it is. Listen carefully.
You work here now. You drink my coffee. Do you understand that?
Do you have any idea of what kind of a sign this sends?
When my employee starts endorsing their product?
Do you have any idea?
Keep it in your pants, okay? I'll just go there to buy the beans.
I can make the coffee here.
So then I got my third DUI.
And a normal person would be like, "Fuck drinking," at this point.
Not me, I was like, "Fuck driving."
So I got a bike and I started to ride my bike everywhere.
Till I hit that Polish kid.
You'd think that a bike couldn't do that kind of damage,
but he was messed up.
- Hey! - Jesus fucking Christ.
- (LAUGHING) Sorry. - You cannot grab people like that.
Sorry.
I thought you were a murderer.
- (SIGHS) Okay. - No, no, no.
We should talk about what happened.
- We most certainly should not talk about that. - Yeah, we should.
For our sobriety.
You know what we should do?
We should pretend like it never happened,
and then, maybe even never speak again.
I don't want to do that.
- Well, who asked you what you want? - You feel something for me.
I know it. You're hiding behind your accent.
- So what? - So, we have to address it.
What? And then what?
It doesn't matter because nothing can ever happen.
Why not?
Because you stupid, fucking... You idiot.
- Because Hannah. - She doesn't want to be with me.
It doesn't matter. She's my friend.
It's shitty, and I'm done being shitty.
Shitty is old news.
We're friends.
Yeah? So what?
So can we just, uh, be with each other like, uh...
Friends?
- Like follow me around? - Yeah.
Okay. Well, I have really big plans today.
Do you need help, friend?
Okay, so, the central conflict of Goodbye, Columbus,
besides whether I am personally attracted to Philip Roth or not,
is the idea that there's these, like,
chosen Jews and these lesser Jews, and this class conflict within a religion
is keeping people who love each other from feeling safe together.
Yes, Nellie?
Um, should we really be reading something about birth control?
Like, honestly, this is basically a how-to guide to sex.
Yeah, you're welcome.
- Yeah, that's inappropriate. - (KNOCK ON DOOR)
Yeah?
Miss Horvath, there's an urgent call for you in Principal Toby's office.
Urgent? Who is it?
I couldn't make out the name, actually.
(WHISPERS) He's crying.
Okay, Nellie, I'm gonna leave you in charge
because you have a very authoritative presence,
but I don't want you to use this time to continue to preach your agenda.
Thanks.
- Dad, is that you? - TAD: (SOBBING) Hannah?
- What's going on, Dad? I can't hear you. - (TAD CRYING)
What's happening in the background? Is there, like, a bad connection?
Like, I really can't hear you.
TAD: I'm crying, banana.
Oh, okay. So, where are you?
TAD: I'm in the Marriott in Times Square.
- Room 1706. - All right, I'll be right there.
I'll be right there.
I'm sorry, I was just...
Yeah, could I see you for a minute, please?
Of course.
I hear you're reading Goodbye, Columbus?
Yes, I felt that Goodbye, Columbus would be the best Philip Roth for the kids.
Uh-huh.
Because I feel the best Philip Roth for kids
is no Philip Roth.
Principal Toby, I really wasn't expecting you to pile on me, too.
I mean, Nellie's an eighth-grader. I understand...
Hannah, look. I'm gonna tell you something, teacher to teacher.
- Okay. - And it's something that took me
a long time to learn.
Just because kids can grasp the words
doesn't mean they're ready for the concepts.
Yes.
So it's not a question of appropriate versus inappropriate, but rather,
what are we gaining from having them read this book now?
I think they're gonna gain a unique understanding
of how Jewish men, particularly in their 20s,
are this just very specific mix of sexual bravado and extreme self-hatred,
and it can be really destructive to the girls they choose to fuck.
Yeah, okay, so maybe it is a question of inappropriate.
Principal Toby, I think I've told you that my father is gay, yes?
- Oh, yeah. - So, he just called me
from a Midtown hotel room sobbing,
and that leads me to believe that something pretty invasive
has happened to his body.
So I feel like I've gotta get there kind of on the quick.
Yeah, okay. I like you.
I really like you. And I think you...
I like you, too. You're one of the smartest people I've ever met,
and so gentle, and so kind,
and I feel like we work really well together,
so just, you know, have Shana check in on my class
and I'll be back ASAP.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
How's it going, man? How can I help you?
I'm actually not here for any coffee.
I'm your business neighbor from across the street there.
What, that Starbucks?
It's not a Starbucks.
It's one of two businesses operated by one small business owner.
Oh, okay. Sorry.
I kind of get the chains confused sometimes, you know.
It's, what, Ray's?
And then Starbucks, Caribou Coffee. There's Peet's Coffee.
There's Cheesecake Factory. They have coffee.
Dunkin' Donuts has their own coffee.
Guy Fieri's American Grill, Chili's, Applebee's, Olive Garden.
I mean, the list goes on and on, right?
Let me just tell you why I'm here, okay?
I'm here because while you've decided to take some sort of, um,
political stance on lids,
it appears to absolutely no one's surprise that people actually like lids.
So what's happening is people are coming here
to purchase your coffee,
then they're crossing the street and stealing my lids.
That sucks.
Indeed. Indeed, it does suck.
Would you like to put forth any solutions to this problem?
No.
Here's one. Maybe you could just put lids on your coffees.
(LAUGHING)
Why are you laughing?
- It's just funny. - It's just funny. (CHUCKLES)
Would you care to expound upon that, sir?
Why'd you feel the need to call me "sir"?
What the fuck, man?
I am so sorry. When I...
Female?
Oh, female? You a biologist?
You a biological essentialist? You a detective?
Is that what you are? 'Cause we don't like biologists.
We also don't like detectives.
What is going on here?
(WHIMPERS MOCKINGLY) "What's going on here?"
Uh, what's going on here is that you offended they, all right?
And you offended me, so I think it's best that you leave.
- Can we get back to the lids? - White man? Yeah.
I think you need to go, white man.
White man. White man.
Yeah, white man!
Thank you for saying what I can't.
I'm sorry. That sucks.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND SCREAMING)
Nice plans, freak.
Uh, you don't know my life.
Heart and soul at the end of a pole.
All you have to, everybody...
Remember me?
Jessa, I told you once, I told you a million times,
do not bother me at work.
- Go to the institution... - Robin, I want my $30, and I want it today.
ROBIN: Let's go for the middle one.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- Almost. - Come on!
It's only $30. I don't mean to holler.
If it's only $30, we'll start on faith.
Here, smell the mint? Government!
(LAUGHS) Nothing like a good joke. Hey, he likes it.
What?
Thank you. (LAUGHS)
- More frogs. - Okay.
More frogs.
(LAUGHS)
I know how you do everything.
Like this one?
- Ugh! - (LAUGHS)
He likes it. He likes it.
(LAUGHING)
(MUFFLED SPEECH) No!
One, two, three, go.
Whoo!
(CHUCKLES)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
HANNAH: Daddy?
(KNOCKS)
I'm gonna come in, okay?
TAD: Okay, Hannah.
(DOOR CLOSES)
HANNAH: Hi.
- Hey, are you okay? - Hey.
Oh, yeah. I'm good.
- What are you doing here? - Uh...
I came to the city to meet someone.
Um, is it a man? A male someone?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, um... And how did that go?
Well, I was doing some emailing, right?
And while I was on the Internet, I typed in the word "gay."
- Yeah, okay. - On the browser there.
And the first thing that came up was gay.com, which was a dating site.
Okay, so you typed in "gay" into your browser for no apparent reason.
Well, I was looking for porn sites.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
But the point is,
I met someone online,
and I decided to come to the city and meet him in person.
Okay.
Um, what happened?
He didn't look anything like his Internet photo.
- No, they never do, so... - I mean, this guy,
he was sinister.
His apartment was so small...
Okay, well, that's just New York real estate.
You can't judge someone by how small their apartment is.
There was a purple couch. It was all purple.
And the dog, this huge dog was...
You know what? I don't need every little detail.
I don't need to hear about the nuance.
I just want to know, like, are you all right?
(SOBBING)
What happened?
I left my wallet.
(CRYING)
That's okay. You just call the credit card company
- and you get new credit cards. - I'm so stupid.
You're not stupid. I lose my wallet like three times a month.
My wallet must've slipped out of my pants when I took them off.
Okay, don't tell me that you took off your pants!
But listen, I didn't want to go back to get my wallet.
I didn't know who else to call.
So you want me to go back to the house
of the guy you just hooked up with and get your wallet?
- Yeah. - (PHONE CHIMING)
- Oh, my God. - Please.
Where does Mom think you are?
- Where did you tell her you are? - Uh...
- (WHISPERS) Uncle Jeff's. - Oh, my God.
- Why'd you have to bring Uncle Jeff into this? - I know, I know.
Hi, Mom.
Hannah, where the fuck have you been?
I have been at work, and now I am in, uh...
- I'm with Dad. - LOREEN: What?
- Where is he? - HANNAH: We're in Midtown.
Oh. Well, I'm surprised he's not on Christopher Street,
drowning in a pool of semen.
God, Mom, please.
- Is he near you? - Yes, he is.
Oh. Good, good, good.
- Can you give him a message for me? - HANNAH: Mmm-hmm.
Tell him I want a fucking divorce. Tell him that, Hannah.
What'd she say?
Let's just go get your fucking wallet, okay?
(DOG BARKING)
(KNOCKING)
Yeah, hello. Can I help you?
Yeah, my dad just left his wallet here.
He's the guy you just hooked up with. So...
(STAMMERING) No, no. We didn't...
We just had some wine...
Kissed. We kissed. Uh, I'm Keith.
Okay, Keith, well, I don't really know
why my dad's wallet would've fallen out of the pants
he says he was removing if you just kissed,
so I'm starting to feel like I can't really trust any of you people.
And by "you people," I don't mean homosexuals.
I mean white men over 50. So can I just please have the wallet?
Of course. Please come in. Come in.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
- Um, yes, if you could... - (BARKS)
Maybe say hi to your father from me?
Um, and let him know that I got his name off his ID and I friended him on Facebook,
and that he can connect with me there if he wants.
Okay, you seem like a really nice man, Keith.
Well, you seem like a nice young lady.
Thank you. What, um... What do you do?
Oh, I am a boot dealer. I deal fine boots.
And I can get you a pretty good discount.
Maybe. That would actually be great.
Well, um...
A pleasure.
(DOG BARKS)
Who's that?
KEITH: That's my Lois.
She's really cute. It's insane.
She actually looks like a toy.
You should consider putting her in catalogues.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SIGHS) So this was fine. Thank you for coming.
I'm gonna kiss you goodbye now.
No. No, you're not. Because we are friends.
Because you know as well as I do that
even if we could be together, even if Hannah didn't exist,
that I would destroy you.
And you would destroy me.
We would destroy each other.
You know where this ends up, right?
With you in a body bag and me headed to the border, pregnant.
(LAUGHS)
- Seriously, it would be a problem. - It would be a problem.
- It would. - It would.
Can you stop copying me?
Could you please stop copying me?
- Jesus Christ. - Jesus Christ.
Here's your fish.
Ooh, fuck me!
You see? It's fucking dead.
- Fucking God damn it. - You see? You see?
'Cause you shook it all the way here, like an idiot.
This is us.
This is why we can't.
(BAG SPLATTERS)
Look, can we...
Can we be together but not touch each other?
Yeah, that's the whole point. We are not gonna touch each other.
(BOTH RUBBING)
(JESSA MOANS)
Don't look. It breaks the rules.
You don't look at me. You're the... (PANTING)
Fucking pervert in this house.
Adam.
New rules.
(JESSA MOANING)
(BOTH MOANING SOFTLY)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Hey, so, how's Fran?
Oh, he's good. We don't have to talk about me.
Well, no, I want to. He seems like such a great guy.
Yeah, he's really nice.
Well, try and hold on to him, will you?
Why does everybody keep saying that to me?
Like I'm just gonna misplace him like a pair of keys.
Well, in the past, you've had trouble making healthy choices.
Okay, well, I wouldn't really talk about healthy choices if I were you,
considering you just had sex with a complete stranger,
probably unprotected.
You probably just barebacked all day.
What? Dad, I was just being provocative.
You had unprotected sex with Keith?
- Oh, my God. - He's a total rando.
He's a boot dealer.
What's wrong with you?
Well, I haven't had to think about it in a long time.
I'm gonna use the restroom, okay? Why don't you try and stay alive.
(MACHINE GRINDING)
Elijah.
- Elijah! - What? I can do no more than I have done.
- It's Horvath. - What about my important coffee work?
It's not going anywhere. Here.
Hannah, I can't talk. I'm at a job right now. It's really more of a career.
HANNAH: Elijah, I need you to come here, okay?
- It's an emergency. - What?
It's my dad. He's really, really scared.
Oh, shit, it got gayer?
Dad had unprotected butt sex.
Okay, okay. (SHUSHING)
- I'll text you the address. - Okay.
I have to go. Hannah's having a gay emergency with her gay dad.
- Hey, hey, that's not how work works! Hey! - (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
So, what are you gonna do?
I have a flight home in the morning.
Where will you stay?
- What do you mean? - I mean, not with Mom.
Of course, in our house.
Dad, you came to New York to meet a man you found online.
You can't just go back to Mom's house like nothing happened.
Hannah, it's more complex than you understand.
- Stop saying that. - Okay, but it's the truth.
Well, maybe it's not more complex, okay? Because Mom wants a divorce.
What?
(SOFTLY) She said that, okay?
She doesn't want to be married to you any more.
TAD: She didn't say that.
(GROANS)
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
(BOTH SOBBING)
Um, no way, Cosette.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, thank you, but I didn't order this.
I know. He did.
What?
I can't believe Dill Harcourt bought me a drink.
He's my number one news source.
He's everyone's news source. No shit.
I watch the news to him twice a day.
You mind if I join you?
Uh, I wouldn't think you needed to ask. (CHUCKLES)
Well, it's good to maintain the illusion of normalcy.
Well, I gave up on that a long time ago, but for different reasons.
- Elijah. - Dill.
- Oh... (LAUGHS) - He's like, "I don't know what you're doing,
- "but it's great." - You didn't know that?
So,
I'm gonna go downtown.
I'm going uptown.
It was very nice to meet you.
Get home safe.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck! What the fuck?
"I'm going downtown." Fucking stupid. I deserve to die.
I just want to stab myself in the heart.
I want you to call me.
I don't know what to do.
That's okay. I'm here.
And I'm always gonna be here, so...
(ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES PLAYING)