"Come escape from your rigorous daily life
"for a rejuvenating and relaxing getaway at Dhanimahila,
"a weekend to connect with your innate goddess qualities
"and celebrate being a multi-ecstatic woman.
"Reignite that part of yourself that is wild, wise, and divine
"at Spring Queening."
Mom, no.
I don't care what they're calling it, because I need it.
I have some big choices to make.
I mean, how big could they be? You already decided to get a divorce.
I didn't decide to get divorced.
Then what did you mean by, "Tell Dad I want a fucking divorce"?
I'm taking some time and considering, as I turn 60,
whether I can stand to spend the rest of my life
sexless and alone.
You don't have to be sexless and alone, Mom.
Plus, isn't gay husband kind of the same as no husband, sexually speaking?
No, sex has never been our problem.
It's actually even been better lately.
Less pressure.
Mom.
Everyone, this is Kinoko.
She is the number one cat here.
She was born on Christmas, Kinoko.
You perform your job with such perfect charm.
It's very sweet of you to spend your lunch hour with me.
Shoshani, Buriki is hiding in windowsill again.
I'll let you do your job.
Please, Shoshani.
I'm getting him right now.
Your friend is looking for you.
Abigail.
Abigail, hi.
Shoshanna, hello.
What... What are you... Are you here for work?
It's all right. You don't have to be kind to me.
I know I took a spiked dildo
and I frickin' rammed it right into your heart hole.
I'm really sorry.
Seriously, Abigail, I'm fine.
Honestly, Shoshanna, it's hard for me to see you like this,
working in what is clearly a sex hut.
No, it's actually just a cat café.
I know what "cat" is. I've had a boyfriend.
It's gonna be okay.
Really, Abigail, I love it here. This place is incredible.
I'm learning about a new culture, and in turn I'm learning about myself,
and I'm also in a real serious phase of romantic exploration with Yoshi, so...
Yoshi from work?
Okay, that is very cool
because he looks like an Asiatic One Direction member.
Well, I mean, he isn't Yoshi from work anymore.
Now he's just Yoshi from my heart.
God, I'm really happy for you, honestly.
I'm surprised. I'm shocked, even, that you like it here.
I gotta tell you, I have a couple days,
and I was planning to just steadily sit in a McDonald's
until I felt safe again.
Okay, you know what? I have tomorrow off.
Let me take you around. I'm going to make you love Japan.
Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
A lot of Eileen Fisher here.
- Hannah. - What?
They're sassy separates. I just can't afford them.
I'll go check us in.
Hello.
...and green, and really, it's just a wonderful place to grow up.
Okay, well, good peace to you both.
- Yes. - Thank you.
Okay, no phones, please.
I wasn't making a call. I was just gonna send an e-mail.
Okay.
It's just that we mention this in the e-mails.
In the pamphlet, in the itinerary.
Dhanimahila is about dropping our walls, and that starts with dropping our screens.
Well, that's great, because I'm not even getting any service anyway.
Well, maybe that's a signal
that the person you need to connect with is yourself.
Well, if you're telling me to masturbate, I already did.
I'm glad you're having fun already.
Hi, I'm Loreen.
This is my daughter, Hannah.
Hi, Hannah. I'm Cathy with a "C" and that's Kathy with a "K",
and this is Barb.
With a "C" or a "K"?
With a "B".
Hi, I'm Kourtney, but everyone calls me Koko.
Are you the yoga teacher?
Oh, my God, no. I wish.
Though I do teach spin in Westport. And also yoga.
The itinerary said that the orientation was supposed to start like 10 minutes ago.
Do you think maybe we should be someplace else?
Who here is waiting for someone to tell them what to do?
You just said that.
Because orientation was supposed to start 10 minutes ago,
and none of you said anything.
Well, we were late.
Yes, you were, and now you're interrupting.
The rest of you just stood here waiting.
Fearful, polite,
asking for permission.
That's your problem.
Do you want to call Fran? I can give you some privacy.
No.
I thought you liked him.
I do like him. He's so nice.
I feel like if we were in Hollywood,
people would be like, "Tom Hanks is such a dick.
"It's Fran who's the nice guy."
I'm just so relieved to be away from him.
Jesus. I knew we did a number on you.
What kind of number?
You are incapable of loving someone who is kind to you.
Your father and I were no example.
I mean, sure, he's nice,
but underneath all that niceness was this dirty little secret
that was eating away at the core of our marriage.
Some part of you must have picked up on that.
I really didn't.
- You didn't? - No.
You guys are great. I like nice people.
There's not a problem. You didn't fuck me up.
Aren't you gonna at least brush your teeth?
I'm a morning brusher. I just go hard at it in the morning.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, too, baby.
Don't worry about snoring. I can sleep through anything, even sex.
Thanks.
Are you gonna come?
Are you gonna come for me?
Okay, after you come, pretend like you meant to pull out
and then you're gonna freak out like you might've gotten me pregnant.
You don't want me to pull out?
No, no, I'm wearing a sponge. I have a sponge in.
Fuckin' knew that shit. I knew that wasn't your pussy wall.
Please remember to pull out.
Please, please. Please don't come in me.
Don't you dare.
I would never.
- Please pull out. Don't forget to pull out. - Okay, I won't.
Fuck!
I'm sorry.
I came in you.
God, what am I gonna tell my parents?
What the fuck am I gonna tell Coach?
He'll never let me borrow his car again. I'm gonna lose my scholarship.
I can't pay for the doctors' fees.
You're brilliant.
My sister's in town.
Yeah?
Yeah, she e-mailed me out of nowhere
and asked if I would have dinner with her tomorrow.
So you want me to go?
I... Well, I...
I honestly didn't think you'd be interested.
Well, only if you want me to. I'd fucking love to meet her.
I wasn't saying it so that you'd feel obligated.
I don't feel obligated.
Good, 'cause you're not.
Good, 'cause I'm going.
With your shoulders, your shoulders.
Now lead with your cunt.
That's good. Cunt it.
Yes. Let's see that cunt.
Yeah, nice and stiff.
Use your arms, use your arms, yeah!
I'm flying!
There you go.
I feel like a baby.
Good job. Good job.
Yeah.
Hannah, you're too close. I can see you.
Well, where am I supposed to go?
You can go anywhere, just not by me.
We're supposed to be by ourselves for at least an hour.
I don't know why you brought a swimsuit.
'Cause it's a retreat. I assumed there'd be a pool.
Hannah.
Anyway, I shouldn't be out here with bare legs.
I could get Lyme's disease.
Yes.
Hi, Banana. Is everything okay?
I thought the itinerary said no phones this weekend.
Well, I'm a real rule-breaker. Check it out.
I miss you. How are you?
I'm fine. I miss you, too.
And your mother, has... Has she said anything?
Is she leaning towards us being together?
Dad, I don't know. We've just been doing trust falls
and being berated by very toned women.
I hate everybody.
Anyway, I don't even know why you'd want to stay married.
You're a gay person. It's not like...
Shit, Papa, I gotta go.
There's a bunch of divorced Cathys coming towards me.
I love you, okay?
Hey, if your mom...
I mean, honestly, I feel like I'm inside, like, Katy Perry's vagina.
- I know. - Yeah.
And that's the amazing thing about Japan.
It's like whatever these people do, they do it full-out,
they do not apologize, and they make it cute.
Yeah, like, I cannot deny that, like, everything I'm seeing
is exactly what we're into.
I know.
Plus sometimes at night,
I think about Japan and I'm like, did I create this country in my mind?
Oh, my God. Look, three little tiny sailor girls.
Yeah, I know. That's actually their school uniform.
What?
Just... You just slide them in.
Oh, my God.
It's like nothing. It's like, you just pretend...
It seems disgusting.
No, but you've gotten a pedicure before, so it's essentially the same thing.
- Just put them in. - Okay. Let's do it at the same time.
- Okay, you ready? Okay, on three. - Okay, one...
- Two, three. - Two, three.
Oh, my God. God!
You just gotta breathe. Just breathe.
- Just breathe. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. One is, like, going raw dog on me.
I'm so impressed, Shoshanna.
I feel like you used to be really work-driven
and now you've learned to slow down and just enjoy life.
Yeah, I did. You have to enjoy life. You cannot rush a cherry blossom.
See? I get it.
That's beautiful.
That's Japan.
You can't keep breaking the rules.
You cannot grab my phone out of my hands. I am an adult.
Adults follow rules.
Please hand me back my phone.
I do not want to have a physical tussle with you.
I am just trying to give you...
- Hey, Sam! - Yes! Yes?
- Is everything copacetic? - Yes.
Yes, it is. It's just...
God, it's just our guest here was on her phone again, so...
Okay, well, I'm sure Hannah has a great reason for it.
Thank you, Sam.
- I do have a great reason. - You don't need one.
This weekend shouldn't be about someone jamming something down your throat.
You know? If you're not into it, then fuck it.
I'm into it. I'm into...
I hate it. I've hated every moment of it.
I really hate being outside.
But I realized I'm more into being here and hating it
than I am with spending time with my own boyfriend.
- That's not a good sign. - That's not a good sign, no.
God, this is a really hard e-mail to write.
- Well, maybe you should do it in person. - No, it's not that.
He's just really judgey about grammar stuff.
He sounds like a real fucking winner.
No, he's nice. He's so nice.
You know what? Fuck "nice".
Nice is a mask angry people wear to hide their inner assholes.
- Yeah. - Look, you do you, all right?
'Cause you're way too luscious to be with the wrong guy.
Mom!
So, listen, the thing to know about Minerva is that
we've both slept with all the same people.
Except... Except my father. That was just her.
What the shit?
I mean, they're not related, so it's not what you think,
but... So, they ran into each other at a bar or something, and...
It was hardly creepy in the traditional sense.
Besides, her dad's Scottish.
All I'm saying is that if you want to fuck her, I mean, I won't care.
I'm used to it.
Minni, hi.
Hey.
Seriously, you are wee. What the fuck?
- Yeah, I got giardia. - Amazing.
Yeah, and it's got rid of all the...
- Hi, I'm... - This is Adam. He's my boyfriend.
Boyfriend? God.
Nice to meet you.
All right, all right. Easy.
Well, the salmon's very good.
Just needs a little salt.
It needs, like, all the salt in the known universe
and there's none here.
Here. I carry some.
I have to be really careful because I work out so hard
that I drink a lot of water.
One time, I almost drowned from the inside.
I've been saying for years that water's basically poison.
Have you ever been to Red Mountain Ranch?
They really know how to do low sodium.
They make an asparagus and leek egg white quiche.
You take a bite, you die.
At Miraval, they have these portobello and lentil roll-ups.
Delicious. I ate them for every meal.
And then again for dessert.
I can make pizza.
At Esalen for breakfast, they have six different kinds of yogurt.
Not flavors, kinds.
Greek yogurt and...
Why don't we just focus on the meal that we're having right here, right now?
This meal.
Sweetie.
I wonder what they'll have for dessert.
What? I was talking about the food here.
- Hey, you. - Hi.
Hi.
Sorry, I'm allergic to bread. I thought that was a nut.
You are tense.
Yeah, I'm having some... Some family problems,
so I may be a little wound tight.
Yeah, well, let's get you to the sauna and I'll stretch you out.
I couldn't do that to you. It's your dinner break.
Anyway, my mom says I'm not capable of centering myself emotionally or spiritually
'cause she and my dad fucked me up so good, so...
Well, let's see about that, huh?
All right? Come on.
Thank you.
I feel so open and balanced.
That's what this work's all about,
balancing and toning.
And you'll find that as you continue, all this layer will just melt away.
Like a layer of emotions or like a layer of fat?
What?
Sorry, sorry.
That's... You're so sweaty.
I know. I didn't mean to do that.
You know, actually, I've never had sex with a woman before.
I mean, I've done other stuff. I went to Oberlin, so I'm not, like, a monster,
but my dad's gay, so there might be a genetic...
I've never slept with a student before.
You don't have to say that.
I blame it on Viagra.
Larry and I were together for 42 years, and then he starts popping the blue pill
and then he leaves me for his assistant, Flavia.
Oh, my God. That's terrible.
He's 70 years old.
I said to him, "You've turned into a cliché."
But then what am I?
Divorced, at a spa with strangers, complaining about men.
I love being single again.
- Really? - Sure.
I want to stay in, I stay in. I want to go out, I go out.
I mean, I never really want to go out.
Just give me a good book and a bottle of wine and there you have it.
The perfect morning.
My friend Marsha put herself online on the Match.com.
She met a guy, a lawyer who's a partner in his firm.
He swept her off her feet. He took her to Vegas.
Celine Dion, front row, twice.
Yeah, no, she's never slept with anyone except for her ex-husband.
She said she had the time of her life.
Vaginal orgasms, one after the other.
Two weeks after she gets home, a burning.
Herpes and genital warts, mouth chlamydia at 57 years old.
No, no, no, no.
Well,
my husband is gay.
So?
Yeah, that seems like a non-issue to me. I would kill for a gay husband.
Oh, my God. I wish I were gay.
Honestly, Koko, why are you here?
Yeah.
It's really hot. I'm really, really hot.
Yeah, you'll just get used to it.
- Oh, my God. - It's okay, it's just new.
Okay, okay.
- Yeah. - Okay...
- Yeah, there. - I think I have to stop.
I'd really like to stop.
No, no, no, no. I'm really close. Just let me come.
- Nope, I'm gonna need to stop. - I'm so close to coming.
- Please. - Please, it's just 30 seconds.
- No, no, no, no, please... - I'm sorry, Holly.
- Let me go. - Just give me 30 seconds.
- Just 30 seconds. - I can't. I really can't.
- I really can't do 30 seconds. - Fuck.
I really can't even do 30 seconds.
God. Fuck.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Yeah!
So, while I wait for our legal separation, he's letting me stay in the house,
which is sweet of him since I really didn't behave well at all.
And I'm getting spousal support even though I actually have more money
because the trust fund doesn't count as income.
Speaking of money,
I do have something that I've been meaning to ask you.
Shoot.
So, I think I told you that I'm trying to go back to school to become a therapist.
But the thing is, I am not eligible for any financial aid
because I'm a foreign student.
So I need money.
Like, a bunch.
Grandma cut me off after rehab.
Yeah, she said so. So lame.
But you should really have hidden your drugs better.
But she didn't cut you off.
Minni, I swear to you, I would pay you back every cent
as soon as I could,
as soon as I had my own business, which I will have.
Jessa, you have to be fucking kidding me.
No, I'm not. I'm really not kidding you.
I found something that I love, that I really love,
and there's so much that I have to learn, and I want to learn it.
More than anything, I want to learn it.
Well, that's a beautiful sentiment,
but when have you ever stuck to a single thing?
You can't expect me to sink my money into another whim.
Well, it's not your money.
It takes a certain passion to see things through,
and you've never had that.
Maybe it's because Mom was always easy on you
or your face is so symmetrical, but it's left you soft.
What are you talking about?
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you things that you don't want to hear,
but I know you, Jessa. I know you.
No, you don't.
Okay, Romeo.
No, you don't.
Jesus fucking Christ. You don't know her at all.
She's a beautiful fuckin' rainbow,
cutting and sublime.
And she's gonna be the best fucking therapist ever.
I envy her future patients because she's a truth-teller.
And her perfect face is the least beautiful thing about her.
I'll pay for your schooling.
What?
- Yeah, yeah. - No.
I made a fuckton of money in all those Big Pharma commercials.
It's just sitting in the bank. It should go to something good.
You're something good.
You're... Are you serious?
Yes.
So nice. That's brilliant.
- Thank you. - Cool.
Thank you for forcing me to eat this,
because I feel like my mouth is experiencing intense personal growth.
So, it actually is...
That's umami, the elusive fifth taste.
She has become so knowledgeable in so short time.
You guys are the cutest.
I want to watch a reality show about you called, like,
"Yosh and Shosh Take the City" anytime I have the flu.
Soon we will travel to Kamakura, that's my place,
and Shoshanna can meet my grandmother.
Yeah.
And then we will lose our virginities to each other.
Holy hell.
- Okay, wow. - Yeah, that's...
That's a relationship hallmark, and that's cool.
You ladies can share tales.
I'm going to make quick stop at the bathroom.
- Okay. - Okay.
Later.
It is fucking bonkers to me
that that insane piece is still a virgin.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm... I'm great, you know?
I work at... As the assistant manager
in the second biggest cat café in Tokyo
and everybody's really jealous about that,
and I'm dating this beautiful Japanese man,
and we're gonna lose our virginities to each other,
so everything's really perfect.
You know, like, my life is perfect.
- Yeah, you seem great. - Yeah.
Yeah, you're not, like...
Wait, you're, like, fully crying.
- Yeah. - Are you okay?
I'm really sad.
And I'm really fucking lonely.
I'm so homesick, and I swear to God,
if one more person that I bump into bows and says, "I'm sorry,"
I'm gonna, like, fucking cut somebody, you know?
Yeah, of course. You're in fucking outer space.
I'm sorry.
I really have to go home.
Okay.
Where'd you go?
I was following my inner queen and she makes terrible decisions,
so I think I'm gonna abdicate the throne.
Sweetie.
Well, I am gonna stay with your father.
What?
I'm gonna stay.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I've thought about it a lot.
And what am I gonna do, go on a date on the Internet?
Can you imagine? I don't even want to talk to the people I like.
Even if I fell in love... Say I fell in love, what then?
I don't know. You'd be in love.
No.
We would have two years of passion at best,
and then, what, he would get Alzheimer's disease
or prostate cancer,
and there I am draining his catheter for the rest of my life,
and this is a man I don't even know.
So I might as well stay.
All right, I know it sounds sad to you,
but I like our house, and your father's very nice,
and he makes me laugh when he does that Chris Rock.
And he plays Scrabble really well.
These things count for a lot.
If I had known 20 years ago...
I think you guys really did fuck me up.