1
00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:09,552
"Come escape from your rigorous daily life

2
00:00:09,635 --> 00:00:12,555
"for a rejuvenating
and relaxing getaway at Dhanimahila,

3
00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:14,932
"a weekend to connect
with your innate goddess qualities

4
00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:18,019
"and celebrate being a multi-ecstatic woman.

5
00:00:18,102 --> 00:00:21,147
"Reignite that part of yourself
that is wild, wise, and divine

6
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:23,149
"at Spring Queening."

7
00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:24,316
Mom, no.

8
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,610
I don't care what they're calling it,
because I need it.

9
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,946
I have some big choices to make.

10
00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:31,282
I mean, how big could they be?
You already decided to get a divorce.

11
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,035
I didn't decide to get divorced.

12
00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:37,747
Then what did you mean by,
"Tell Dad I want a fucking divorce"?

13
00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:41,625
I'm taking some time and considering,
as I turn 60,

14
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,170
whether I can stand
to spend the rest of my life

15
00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:45,671
sexless and alone.

16
00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:48,215
You don't have to be sexless and alone, Mom.

17
00:00:48,299 --> 00:00:52,219
Plus, isn't gay husband kind of the same
as no husband, sexually speaking?

18
00:00:52,303 --> 00:00:54,638
No, sex has never been our problem.

19
00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:58,642
It's actually even been better lately.

20
00:00:58,726 --> 00:00:59,769
Less pressure.

21
00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:03,439
Mom.

22
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,328
Everyone, this is Kinoko.

23
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,830
She is the number one cat here.

24
00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:22,708
She was born on Christmas,
Kinoko.

25
00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:34,428
You perform your job
with such perfect charm.

26
00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:37,181
It's very sweet of you
to spend your lunch hour with me.

27
00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:40,643
Shoshani, Buriki is hiding
in windowsill again.

28
00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:42,186
I'll let you do your job.

29
00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,398
Please, Shoshani.

30
00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:50,361
I'm getting him right now.

31
00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:52,530
Your friend is looking for you.

32
00:01:58,119 --> 00:01:59,161
Abigail.

33
00:02:02,832 --> 00:02:04,416
Abigail, hi.

34
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:07,753
Shoshanna, hello.

35
00:02:08,712 --> 00:02:11,215
What... What are you... Are you here for work?

36
00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:13,717
It's all right. You don't have to be kind to me.

37
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,387
I know I took a spiked dildo

38
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:19,473
and I frickin' rammed it
right into your heart hole.

39
00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,225
I'm really sorry.

40
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,936
Seriously, Abigail, I'm fine.

41
00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:27,523
Honestly, Shoshanna,
it's hard for me to see you like this,

42
00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:30,317
working in what is clearly a sex hut.

43
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,653
No, it's actually just a cat café.

44
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:37,158
I know what "cat" is. I've had a boyfriend.

45
00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:38,784
It's gonna be okay.

46
00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:42,580
Really, Abigail, I love it here.
This place is incredible.

47
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,708
I'm learning about a new culture,
and in turn I'm learning about myself,

48
00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:51,463
and I'm also in a real serious phase
of romantic exploration with Yoshi, so...

49
00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,257
Yoshi from work?

50
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,092
Okay, that is very cool

51
00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:59,597
because he looks like
an Asiatic One Direction member.

52
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,265
Well, I mean,
he isn't Yoshi from work anymore.

53
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:04,143
Now he's just Yoshi from my heart.

54
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:06,896
God, I'm really happy for you, honestly.

55
00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:10,941
I'm surprised.
I'm shocked, even, that you like it here.

56
00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:13,444
I gotta tell you, I have a couple days,

57
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:16,530
and I was planning to
just steadily sit in a McDonald's

58
00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,282
until I felt safe again.

59
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:22,244
Okay, you know what? I have tomorrow off.

60
00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:25,873
Let me take you around.
I'm going to make you love Japan.

61
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,053
Yeah.

62
00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:41,013
Yeah, all right.

63
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,017
A lot of Eileen Fisher here.

64
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:47,269
- Hannah.
- What?

65
00:03:47,353 --> 00:03:50,022
They're sassy separates.
I just can't afford them.

66
00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:52,149
I'll go check us in.

67
00:03:53,025 --> 00:03:54,902
Hello.

68
00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:58,447
...and green, and really,
it's just a wonderful place to grow up.

69
00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:03,202
Okay, well, good peace to you both.

70
00:04:03,285 --> 00:04:04,745
- Yes.
- Thank you.

71
00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:06,580
Okay, no phones, please.

72
00:04:06,664 --> 00:04:09,041
I wasn't making a call.
I was just gonna send an e-mail.

73
00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,459
Okay.

74
00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:12,878
It's just that we mention this in the e-mails.

75
00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:15,589
In the pamphlet, in the itinerary.

76
00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:21,595
Dhanimahila is about dropping our walls,
and that starts with dropping our screens.

77
00:04:21,679 --> 00:04:23,973
Well, that's great, because I'm not
even getting any service anyway.

78
00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:26,058
Well, maybe that's a signal

79
00:04:26,141 --> 00:04:29,019
that the person
you need to connect with is yourself.

80
00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,897
Well, if you're telling me to masturbate,
I already did.

81
00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:39,405
I'm glad you're having fun already.

82
00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,499
Hi, I'm Loreen.

83
00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:51,875
This is my daughter, Hannah.

84
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:56,171
Hi, Hannah. I'm Cathy with a "C"
and that's Kathy with a "K",

85
00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,506
and this is Barb.

86
00:04:57,589 --> 00:04:59,300
With a "C" or a "K"?

87
00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:01,093
With a "B".

88
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:05,764
Hi, I'm Kourtney, but everyone calls me Koko.

89
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,349
Are you the yoga teacher?

90
00:05:07,433 --> 00:05:10,060
Oh, my God, no. I wish.

91
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:13,689
Though I do teach spin in Westport.
And also yoga.

92
00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:17,609
The itinerary said that the orientation
was supposed to start like 10 minutes ago.

93
00:05:17,693 --> 00:05:19,903
Do you think maybe
we should be someplace else?

94
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:25,367
Who here is waiting for someone
to tell them what to do?

95
00:05:26,118 --> 00:05:27,369
You just said that.

96
00:05:27,453 --> 00:05:31,248
Because orientation
was supposed to start 10 minutes ago,

97
00:05:32,124 --> 00:05:35,878
and none of you said anything.

98
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,421
Well, we were late.

99
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:40,215
Yes, you were, and now you're interrupting.

100
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:46,847
The rest of you just stood here waiting.

101
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,433
Fearful, polite,

102
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:53,103
asking for permission.

103
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:54,980
That's your problem.

104
00:05:57,816 --> 00:06:00,319
Do you want to call Fran?
I can give you some privacy.

105
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:02,613
No.

106
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,573
I thought you liked him.

107
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,658
I do like him. He's so nice.

108
00:06:06,784 --> 00:06:08,118
I feel like if we were in Hollywood,

109
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,953
people would be like,
"Tom Hanks is such a dick.

110
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,081
"It's Fran who's the nice guy."

111
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:14,625
I'm just so relieved to be away from him.

112
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:17,586
Jesus. I knew we did a number on you.

113
00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,338
What kind of number?

114
00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:22,966
You are incapable of loving
someone who is kind to you.

115
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:24,968
Your father and I were no example.

116
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,390
I mean, sure, he's nice,

117
00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:32,893
but underneath all that niceness
was this dirty little secret

118
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,646
that was eating away
at the core of our marriage.

119
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,732
Some part of you
must have picked up on that.

120
00:06:38,816 --> 00:06:40,150
I really didn't.

121
00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:43,153
- You didn't?
- No.

122
00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:45,823
You guys are great. I like nice people.

123
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:47,825
There's not a problem. You didn't fuck me up.

124
00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,831
Aren't you gonna at least brush your teeth?

125
00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:57,876
I'm a morning brusher.
I just go hard at it in the morning.

126
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,339
I love you, Mom.

127
00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:04,258
I love you, too, baby.

128
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:11,432
Don't worry about snoring.
I can sleep through anything, even sex.

129
00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:12,641
Thanks.

130
00:07:17,855 --> 00:07:19,356
Are you gonna come?

131
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,192
Are you gonna come for me?

132
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:26,363
Okay, after you come,
pretend like you meant to pull out

133
00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:29,032
and then you're gonna freak out
like you might've gotten me pregnant.

134
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,951
You don't want me to pull out?

135
00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:33,704
No, no, I'm wearing a sponge.
I have a sponge in.

136
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:36,373
Fuckin' knew that shit.
I knew that wasn't your pussy wall.

137
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:39,293
Please remember to pull out.

138
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:42,045
Please, please. Please don't come in me.

139
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,547
Don't you dare.

140
00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:45,883
I would never.

141
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:48,927
- Please pull out. Don't forget to pull out.
- Okay, I won't.

142
00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:53,140
Fuck!

143
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,225
Fuck!

144
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:56,727
I'm sorry.

145
00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,062
I came in you.

146
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:03,901
God, what am I gonna tell my parents?

147
00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:06,153
What the fuck am I gonna tell Coach?

148
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,991
He'll never let me borrow his car again.
I'm gonna lose my scholarship.

149
00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:14,578
I can't pay for the doctors' fees.

150
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,663
You're brilliant.

151
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:30,969
My sister's in town.

152
00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:34,932
Yeah?

153
00:08:36,642 --> 00:08:38,769
Yeah, she e-mailed me out of nowhere

154
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:41,980
and asked if I would have
dinner with her tomorrow.

155
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:45,484
So you want me to go?

156
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:49,154
I... Well, I...

157
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:51,823
I honestly didn't think you'd be interested.

158
00:08:51,949 --> 00:08:53,992
Well, only if you want me to.
I'd fucking love to meet her.

159
00:08:54,493 --> 00:08:56,495
I wasn't saying it so that you'd feel obligated.

160
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:57,955
I don't feel obligated.

161
00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:59,164
Good, 'cause you're not.

162
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,332
Good, 'cause I'm going.

163
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:08,465
With your shoulders, your shoulders.

164
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:10,801
Now lead with your cunt.

165
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,053
That's good. Cunt it.

166
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:14,846
Yes. Let's see that cunt.

167
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,399
Yeah, nice and stiff.

168
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,360
Use your arms, use your arms, yeah!

169
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,320
I'm flying!

170
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:34,658
There you go.

171
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,369
I feel like a baby.

172
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:39,496
Good job. Good job.

173
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,081
Yeah.

174
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:47,170
Hannah, you're too close. I can see you.

175
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,506
Well, where am I supposed to go?

176
00:09:49,548 --> 00:09:52,843
You can go anywhere, just not by me.

177
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:56,263
We're supposed to be by ourselves
for at least an hour.

178
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,349
I don't know why you brought a swimsuit.

179
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:02,060
'Cause it's a retreat.
I assumed there'd be a pool.

180
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:03,186
Hannah.

181
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,771
Anyway, I shouldn't be out here
with bare legs.

182
00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,940
I could get Lyme's disease.

183
00:10:10,027 --> 00:10:11,361
Yes.

184
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,200
Hi, Banana. Is everything okay?

185
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,786
I thought the itinerary said
no phones this weekend.

186
00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,873
Well, I'm a real rule-breaker. Check it out.

187
00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:24,625
I miss you. How are you?

188
00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:26,877
<i>I'm fine. I miss you, too.</i>

189
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:30,797
And your mother, has...
Has she said anything?

190
00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:33,383
Is she leaning towards us being together?

191
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:35,385
Dad, I don't know.
We've just been doing trust falls

192
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:37,054
and being berated by very toned women.

193
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,430
I hate everybody.

194
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,224
<i>Anyway, I don't even know
why you'd want to stay married.</i>

195
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,060
<i>You're a gay person. It's not like...</i>

196
00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,311
Shit, Papa, I gotta go.

197
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,063
There's a bunch of divorced Cathys
coming towards me.

198
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,230
I love you, okay?

199
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,982
Hey, if your mom...

200
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:58,617
I mean, honestly,
I feel like I'm inside, like, Katy Perry's vagina.

201
00:10:58,742 --> 00:10:59,826
- I know.
- Yeah.

202
00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:01,411
And that's the amazing thing about Japan.

203
00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:04,164
It's like whatever these people do,
they do it full-out,

204
00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,500
they do not apologize, and they make it cute.

205
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:10,420
Yeah, like, I cannot deny
that, like, everything I'm seeing

206
00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:11,755
is exactly what we're into.

207
00:11:11,797 --> 00:11:12,839
I know.

208
00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:14,257
Plus sometimes at night,

209
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:18,345
I think about Japan and I'm like,
did I create this country in my mind?

210
00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:21,306
Oh, my God. Look, three little tiny sailor girls.

211
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,350
Yeah, I know.
That's actually their school uniform.

212
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:24,476
What?

213
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,478
Just... You just slide them in.

214
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:27,938
Oh, my God.

215
00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,940
It's like nothing. It's like, you just pretend...

216
00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:31,191
It seems disgusting.

217
00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:34,194
No, but you've gotten a pedicure before,
so it's essentially the same thing.

218
00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:36,113
- Just put them in.
- Okay. Let's do it at the same time.

219
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,698
- Okay, you ready? Okay, on three.
- Okay, one...

220
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,032
- Two, three.
- Two, three.

221
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:42,536
Oh, my God. God!

222
00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:44,538
You just gotta breathe. Just breathe.

223
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,790
- Just breathe.
- Oh, my God.

224
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:50,293
Oh, my God.
One is, like, going raw dog on me.

225
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,504
I'm so impressed, Shoshanna.

226
00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:55,340
I feel like you used to be really work-driven

227
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:59,678
and now you've learned to slow down
and just enjoy life.

228
00:11:59,803 --> 00:12:04,307
Yeah, I did. You have to enjoy life.
You cannot rush a cherry blossom.

229
00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:07,978
See? I get it.

230
00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:09,312
That's beautiful.

231
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:11,982
That's Japan.

232
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:15,277
You can't keep breaking the rules.

233
00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:18,613
You cannot grab my phone out of my hands.
I am an adult.

234
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,323
Adults follow rules.

235
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:21,825
Please hand me back my phone.

236
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:23,952
I do not want to have
a physical tussle with you.

237
00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:25,120
I am just trying to give you...

238
00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:26,955
- Hey, Sam!
- Yes! Yes?

239
00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,331
- Is everything copacetic?
- Yes.

240
00:12:28,457 --> 00:12:30,167
Yes, it is. It's just...

241
00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:33,336
God, it's just our guest here
was on her phone again, so...

242
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:36,173
Okay, well,
I'm sure Hannah has a great reason for it.

243
00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:42,345
Thank you, Sam.

244
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,144
- I do have a great reason.
- You don't need one.

245
00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:53,356
This weekend shouldn't be about someone
jamming something down your throat.

246
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:55,484
You know? If you're not into it, then fuck it.

247
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:58,361
I'm into it. I'm into...

248
00:12:58,487 --> 00:13:01,156
I hate it. I've hated every moment of it.

249
00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:02,908
I really hate being outside.

250
00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:05,660
But I realized
I'm more into being here and hating it

251
00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:07,579
than I am with spending time
with my own boyfriend.

252
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:10,165
- That's not a good sign.
- That's not a good sign, no.

253
00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:12,083
God, this is a really hard e-mail to write.

254
00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:14,169
- Well, maybe you should do it in person.
- No, it's not that.

255
00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:16,379
He's just really judgey about grammar stuff.

256
00:13:16,505 --> 00:13:18,173
He sounds like a real fucking winner.

257
00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:21,218
No, he's nice. He's so nice.

258
00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:22,719
You know what? Fuck "nice".

259
00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:26,014
Nice is a mask angry people wear
to hide their inner assholes.

260
00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:28,892
- Yeah.
- Look, you do you, all right?

261
00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:34,272
'Cause you're way too luscious
to be with the wrong guy.

262
00:14:02,259 --> 00:14:03,301
Mom!

263
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:14,062
So, listen, the thing to know
about Minerva is that

264
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:17,399
we've both slept with all the same people.

265
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,402
Except... Except my father. That was just her.

266
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:21,778
What the shit?

267
00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:24,573
I mean, they're not related,
so it's not what you think,

268
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:27,242
but... So, they ran into each other
at a bar or something, and...

269
00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:30,453
It was hardly creepy in the traditional sense.

270
00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:32,289
Besides, her dad's Scottish.

271
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:36,585
All I'm saying is that if you want to fuck her,
I mean, I won't care.

272
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,295
I'm used to it.

273
00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:40,463
Minni, hi.

274
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:42,173
Hey.

275
00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:44,634
Seriously, you are wee. What the fuck?

276
00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:46,761
- Yeah, I got giardia.
- Amazing.

277
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,805
Yeah, and it's got rid of all the...

278
00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:51,182
- Hi, I'm...
- This is Adam. He's my boyfriend.

279
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:55,145
Boyfriend? God.

280
00:14:57,647 --> 00:14:59,316
Nice to meet you.

281
00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:02,944
All right, all right. Easy.

282
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,866
Well, the salmon's very good.

283
00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:09,868
Just needs a little salt.

284
00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:11,328
It needs, like,
all the salt in the known universe

285
00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:12,537
and there's none here.

286
00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:14,956
Here. I carry some.

287
00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:17,959
I have to be really careful
because I work out so hard

288
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,544
that I drink a lot of water.

289
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:22,505
One time, I almost drowned from the inside.

290
00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:25,175
I've been saying for years
that water's basically poison.

291
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:27,469
Have you ever been to Red Mountain Ranch?

292
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:29,512
They really know how to do low sodium.

293
00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:32,390
They make an asparagus
and leek egg white quiche.

294
00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,517
You take a bite, you die.

295
00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:38,313
At Miraval, they have these portobello
and lentil roll-ups.

296
00:15:38,355 --> 00:15:40,565
Delicious. I ate them for every meal.

297
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,359
And then again for dessert.

298
00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:44,402
I can make pizza.

299
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:52,369
At Esalen for breakfast,
they have six different kinds of yogurt.

300
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:55,246
Not flavors, kinds.

301
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:56,665
Greek yogurt and...

302
00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:59,542
Why don't we just focus on the meal
that we're having right here, right now?

303
00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:01,503
This meal.

304
00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:02,587
Sweetie.

305
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,051
I wonder what they'll have for dessert.

306
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:14,099
What? I was talking about the food here.

307
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:30,573
- Hey, you.
- Hi.

308
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:31,700
Hi.

309
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:34,285
Sorry, I'm allergic to bread.
I thought that was a nut.

310
00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:36,746
You are tense.

311
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:40,083
Yeah, I'm having some...
Some family problems,

312
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:41,876
so I may be a little wound tight.

313
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:44,254
Yeah, well, let's get you
to the sauna and I'll stretch you out.

314
00:16:45,547 --> 00:16:48,049
I couldn't do that to you.
It's your dinner break.

315
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:51,302
Anyway, my mom says I'm not capable
of centering myself emotionally or spiritually

316
00:16:51,428 --> 00:16:53,596
'cause she and my dad
fucked me up so good, so...

317
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:56,224
Well, let's see about that, huh?

318
00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:58,977
All right? Come on.

319
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:00,270
Thank you.

320
00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,440
I feel so open and balanced.

321
00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:05,442
That's what this work's all about,

322
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,444
balancing and toning.

323
00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:12,574
And you'll find that as you continue,
all this layer will just melt away.

324
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:15,410
Like a layer of emotions or like a layer of fat?

325
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:16,745
What?

326
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:18,955
Sorry, sorry.

327
00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,251
That's... You're so sweaty.

328
00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:25,754
I know. I didn't mean to do that.

329
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:50,445
You know, actually,
I've never had sex with a woman before.

330
00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:53,448
I mean, I've done other stuff.
I went to Oberlin, so I'm not, like, a monster,

331
00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:55,825
but my dad's gay,
so there might be a genetic...

332
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:58,161
I've never slept with a student before.

333
00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:00,830
You don't have to say that.

334
00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:07,504
<i>I blame it on Viagra.</i>

335
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:11,299
Larry and I were together for 42 years,
and then he starts popping the blue pill

336
00:18:11,341 --> 00:18:14,886
and then he leaves me
for his assistant, Flavia.

337
00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:17,347
Oh, my God. That's terrible.

338
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,140
He's 70 years old.

339
00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:22,060
I said to him, "You've turned into a cliché."

340
00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:23,895
But then what am I?

341
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:27,857
Divorced, at a spa with strangers,
complaining about men.

342
00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:30,652
I love being single again.

343
00:18:30,693 --> 00:18:32,695
- Really?
- Sure.

344
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:36,699
I want to stay in, I stay in.
I want to go out, I go out.

345
00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:40,078
I mean, I never really want to go out.

346
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:44,332
Just give me a good book
and a bottle of wine and there you have it.

347
00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:45,667
The perfect morning.

348
00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:49,379
My friend Marsha put herself
online on the Match.com.

349
00:18:49,504 --> 00:18:52,674
She met a guy, a lawyer
who's a partner in his firm.

350
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:55,718
He swept her off her feet.
He took her to Vegas.

351
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:58,429
Celine Dion, front row, twice.

352
00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:01,891
Yeah, no, she's never slept with anyone
except for her ex-husband.

353
00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:04,727
She said she had the time of her life.

354
00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:08,398
Vaginal orgasms, one after the other.

355
00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:13,111
Two weeks after she gets home, a burning.

356
00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:20,785
Herpes and genital warts,
mouth chlamydia at 57 years old.

357
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,120
No, no, no, no.

358
00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:27,375
Well,

359
00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:29,085
my husband is gay.

360
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:32,714
So?

361
00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:38,386
Yeah, that seems like a non-issue to me.
I would kill for a gay husband.

362
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:40,597
Oh, my God. I wish I were gay.

363
00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:43,266
Honestly, Koko, why are you here?

364
00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:57,572
Yeah.

365
00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:00,491
It's really hot. I'm really, really hot.

366
00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:01,743
Yeah, you'll just get used to it.

367
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,078
- Oh, my God.
- It's okay, it's just new.

368
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:06,789
Okay, okay.

369
00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,583
- Yeah.
- Okay...

370
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,168
- Yeah, there.
- I think I have to stop.

371
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:11,461
I'd really like to stop.

372
00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:13,671
No, no, no, no. I'm really close.
Just let me come.

373
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,298
- Nope, I'm gonna need to stop.
- I'm so close to coming.

374
00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:16,966
- Please.
- Please, it's just 30 seconds.

375
00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:18,760
- No, no, no, no, please...
- I'm sorry, Holly.

376
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,261
- Let me go.
- Just give me 30 seconds.

377
00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:21,971
- Just 30 seconds.
- I can't. I really can't.

378
00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:23,473
- I really can't do 30 seconds.
- Fuck.

379
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:24,974
I really can't even do 30 seconds.

380
00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:27,644
God. Fuck.

381
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:32,440
Yeah.

382
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:34,984
Fuck.

383
00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:37,320
Yeah!

384
00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:02,637
So, while I wait for our legal separation,
he's letting me stay in the house,

385
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,890
which is sweet of him
since I really didn't behave well at all.

386
00:21:06,516 --> 00:21:09,227
And I'm getting spousal support
even though I actually have more money

387
00:21:09,352 --> 00:21:11,688
because the trust fund
doesn't count as income.

388
00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:13,815
Speaking of money,

389
00:21:13,856 --> 00:21:16,359
I do have something
that I've been meaning to ask you.

390
00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:17,485
Shoot.

391
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:23,992
So, I think I told you that I'm trying
to go back to school to become a therapist.

392
00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:28,871
But the thing is,
I am not eligible for any financial aid

393
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:30,665
because I'm a foreign student.

394
00:21:31,374 --> 00:21:33,543
So I need money.

395
00:21:34,377 --> 00:21:35,586
Like, a bunch.

396
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,673
Grandma cut me off after rehab.

397
00:21:38,715 --> 00:21:41,718
Yeah, she said so. So lame.

398
00:21:41,759 --> 00:21:44,095
But you should really have
hidden your drugs better.

399
00:21:44,762 --> 00:21:46,556
But she didn't cut you off.

400
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:50,893
Minni, I swear to you,
I would pay you back every cent

401
00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:52,228
as soon as I could,

402
00:21:52,270 --> 00:21:55,064
as soon as I had my own business,
which I will have.

403
00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:57,275
Jessa, you have to be fucking kidding me.

404
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,777
No, I'm not. I'm really not kidding you.

405
00:21:59,902 --> 00:22:03,239
I found something that I love,
that I really love,

406
00:22:03,364 --> 00:22:07,410
and there's so much that I have to learn,
and I want to learn it.

407
00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:09,287
More than anything, I want to learn it.

408
00:22:09,412 --> 00:22:11,080
Well, that's a beautiful sentiment,

409
00:22:11,122 --> 00:22:13,124
but when have you ever
stuck to a single thing?

410
00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:15,710
You can't expect me to sink
my money into another whim.

411
00:22:15,752 --> 00:22:17,211
Well, it's not your money.

412
00:22:17,253 --> 00:22:19,088
It takes a certain passion
to see things through,

413
00:22:19,213 --> 00:22:20,298
and you've never had that.

414
00:22:20,423 --> 00:22:22,050
Maybe it's because Mom
was always easy on you

415
00:22:22,091 --> 00:22:26,763
or your face is so symmetrical,
but it's left you soft.

416
00:22:26,888 --> 00:22:28,556
What are you talking about?

417
00:22:28,598 --> 00:22:31,059
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you things
that you don't want to hear,

418
00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:33,269
but I know you, Jessa. I know you.

419
00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:36,147
No, you don't.

420
00:22:40,485 --> 00:22:41,778
Okay, Romeo.

421
00:22:41,903 --> 00:22:43,279
No, you don't.

422
00:22:43,404 --> 00:22:45,948
Jesus fucking Christ.
You don't know her at all.

423
00:22:46,074 --> 00:22:50,578
She's a beautiful fuckin' rainbow,

424
00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:52,747
cutting and sublime.

425
00:22:52,789 --> 00:22:54,624
And she's gonna be
the best fucking therapist ever.

426
00:22:55,124 --> 00:22:57,752
I envy her future patients
because she's a truth-teller.

427
00:22:57,794 --> 00:23:00,588
And her perfect face
is the least beautiful thing about her.

428
00:23:00,630 --> 00:23:01,756
I'll pay for your schooling.

429
00:23:04,967 --> 00:23:06,803
I'll pay for your schooling.

430
00:23:07,512 --> 00:23:08,596
What?

431
00:23:08,638 --> 00:23:11,140
- Yeah, yeah.
- No.

432
00:23:11,265 --> 00:23:13,267
I made a fuckton of money
in all those Big Pharma commercials.

433
00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:15,436
It's just sitting in the bank.
It should go to something good.

434
00:23:15,478 --> 00:23:16,979
You're something good.

435
00:23:18,648 --> 00:23:20,149
You're... Are you serious?

436
00:23:20,191 --> 00:23:21,818
Yes.

437
00:23:22,485 --> 00:23:24,987
So nice. That's brilliant.

438
00:23:25,113 --> 00:23:26,364
- Thank you.
- Cool.

439
00:23:31,828 --> 00:23:34,330
Thank you for forcing me to eat this,

440
00:23:34,372 --> 00:23:38,668
because I feel like my mouth
is experiencing intense personal growth.

441
00:23:38,709 --> 00:23:40,169
So, it actually is...

442
00:23:40,211 --> 00:23:43,381
That's umami, the elusive fifth taste.

443
00:23:43,506 --> 00:23:46,634
She has become so knowledgeable
in so short time.

444
00:23:46,676 --> 00:23:49,512
You guys are the cutest.

445
00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:51,848
I want to watch a reality show
about you called, like,

446
00:23:51,973 --> 00:23:56,310
"Yosh and Shosh Take the City"
anytime I have the flu.

447
00:23:56,352 --> 00:23:59,647
Soon we will travel to Kamakura,
that's my place,

448
00:23:59,689 --> 00:24:01,732
and Shoshanna can meet my grandmother.

449
00:24:01,858 --> 00:24:02,859
Yeah.

450
00:24:02,984 --> 00:24:05,862
And then we will lose
our virginities to each other.

451
00:24:08,197 --> 00:24:10,867
Holy hell.

452
00:24:10,908 --> 00:24:12,076
- Okay, wow.
- Yeah, that's...

453
00:24:12,201 --> 00:24:16,164
That's a relationship hallmark,
and that's cool.

454
00:24:16,998 --> 00:24:18,499
You ladies can share tales.

455
00:24:18,541 --> 00:24:20,334
I'm going to make quick stop at the bathroom.

456
00:24:20,376 --> 00:24:22,211
- Okay.
- Okay.

457
00:24:23,254 --> 00:24:24,755
Later.

458
00:24:25,548 --> 00:24:28,551
It is fucking bonkers to me

459
00:24:28,676 --> 00:24:32,263
that that insane piece is still a virgin.

460
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:36,893
Are you okay?

461
00:24:37,685 --> 00:24:38,895
Yeah, yeah.

462
00:24:38,936 --> 00:24:42,106
I'm... I'm great, you know?

463
00:24:42,231 --> 00:24:46,694
I work at... As the assistant manager

464
00:24:46,736 --> 00:24:49,906
in the second biggest cat café in Tokyo

465
00:24:49,947 --> 00:24:51,866
and everybody's really jealous about that,

466
00:24:51,908 --> 00:24:53,910
and I'm dating this beautiful Japanese man,

467
00:24:54,035 --> 00:24:56,579
and we're gonna lose
our virginities to each other,

468
00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:58,080
so everything's really perfect.

469
00:24:58,122 --> 00:24:59,749
You know, like, my life is perfect.

470
00:24:59,790 --> 00:25:01,751
- Yeah, you seem great.
- Yeah.

471
00:25:01,792 --> 00:25:03,461
Yeah, you're not, like...

472
00:25:03,586 --> 00:25:05,713
Wait, you're, like, fully crying.

473
00:25:05,755 --> 00:25:07,423
- Yeah.
- Are you okay?

474
00:25:09,967 --> 00:25:11,469
I'm really sad.

475
00:25:15,389 --> 00:25:17,141
And I'm really fucking lonely.

476
00:25:18,142 --> 00:25:19,477
I'm so homesick, and I swear to God,

477
00:25:19,602 --> 00:25:23,314
if one more person that I bump into
bows and says, "I'm sorry,"

478
00:25:23,439 --> 00:25:26,442
I'm gonna, like,
fucking cut somebody, you know?

479
00:25:26,567 --> 00:25:29,403
Yeah, of course.
You're in fucking outer space.

480
00:25:32,823 --> 00:25:34,659
I'm sorry.

481
00:25:35,243 --> 00:25:36,827
I really have to go home.

482
00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:38,371
Okay.

483
00:25:53,427 --> 00:25:54,971
Where'd you go?

484
00:25:56,097 --> 00:25:59,392
I was following my inner queen
and she makes terrible decisions,

485
00:25:59,475 --> 00:26:01,310
so I think I'm gonna abdicate the throne.

486
00:26:01,394 --> 00:26:02,937
Sweetie.

487
00:26:06,482 --> 00:26:11,320
Well, I am gonna stay with your father.

488
00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:13,990
What?

489
00:26:14,073 --> 00:26:16,158
I'm gonna stay.

490
00:26:16,284 --> 00:26:17,326
Are you sure?

491
00:26:17,410 --> 00:26:20,121
Yeah, I've thought about it a lot.

492
00:26:20,162 --> 00:26:22,456
And what am I gonna do,
go on a date on the Internet?

493
00:26:22,498 --> 00:26:26,085
Can you imagine?
I don't even want to talk to the people I like.

494
00:26:26,168 --> 00:26:29,839
Even if I fell in love...
Say I fell in love, what then?

495
00:26:30,590 --> 00:26:31,757
I don't know. You'd be in love.

496
00:26:31,841 --> 00:26:33,092
No.

497
00:26:33,175 --> 00:26:37,013
We would have two years of passion at best,

498
00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:39,599
and then, what,
he would get Alzheimer's disease

499
00:26:39,682 --> 00:26:40,850
or prostate cancer,

500
00:26:40,975 --> 00:26:43,352
and there I am draining his catheter
for the rest of my life,

501
00:26:43,477 --> 00:26:46,355
and this is a man I don't even know.

502
00:26:46,439 --> 00:26:48,691
So I might as well stay.

503
00:26:50,026 --> 00:26:52,612
All right, I know it sounds sad to you,

504
00:26:52,695 --> 00:26:57,033
but I like our house,
and your father's very nice,

505
00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:59,285
and he makes me laugh
when he does that Chris Rock.

506
00:26:59,368 --> 00:27:04,540
And he plays Scrabble really well.

507
00:27:04,665 --> 00:27:06,667
These things count for a lot.

508
00:27:14,717 --> 00:27:18,304
If I had known 20 years ago...

509
00:27:25,811 --> 00:27:28,481
I think you guys really did fuck me up.