Excuse... Excuse... Excuse... Are you serious?
You couldn't wait like one second for me to exit this moving walkway?
This country is bullshit.
Okay, nobody has any manners,
and do you wanna know why? Do you wanna know why?
'Cause you're all so self-involved and self-serving
and your behavior here today, sir, was a perfect embodiment of that truth, okay?
Why am I here?
Okay, I do not love that the toilet's in the shower.
Small price to pay for freedom, buddy.
I've been eating Bugles my whole life and I still don't even know if I like them.
It's just, like, something to do.
Ah, I love this. We are on the road.
We can do whatever we want for the whole summer.
And it's just us.
It is just us.
For the next three months.
We don't have to deal with the kids or the administration.
Elijah or your needy friends.
It's just us.
Be right back, babe.
Hello?
What the hell's going on?
I don't want to go on the trip. I think you should just go without me.
Hannah, what the hell? I'm coming in.
Listen, I really didn't want to go on the trip,
but I didn't want to be a wet blanket,
and then you rented the house car, okay?
And just please don't come in here.
- Hannah, it's me. - Nope.
- Are you serious? - I really don't want you to come in here.
Hannah, open the door.
Hey.
Why are you running from me?
Hannah.
What the...
I am not a monster.
Define monster!
Just tell me what is going on.
I don't want to be in this relationship anymore and I don't know how to get out!
Shit!
Will you just stop so I can talk to you, please?
No!
- I feel like I'm hunting you. - Leave me alone!
I feel like this is The Most Dangerous Game.
- Please! - Come on.
- Just stop. Ahh! - Shit.
Are you all right?
Could you please just stop?
Stay away, okay?
Just stop running and talk to me like an adult.
Please, I don't want to talk, okay?
I don't want to do this.
I don't belong with you.
I'm sorry. Please go.
Fuck!
This is ridiculous.
Fine! We are breaking up, I guess. That's it.
So, let me drive you back to the city. Let's go.
I'll be fine here, okay? I can't get back in the house car.
I am offering to take you back.
That's just me being a nice person, all right?
God, you're so fucking selfish.
Please, just go, Fran.
You know what?
My brother thought you were so fuckin' rude, and he was right.
He fucking handwrote a letter saying how rude you were.
That's how much he meant it.
I can't believe I wasted an entire year hanging out with your rude ass.
Seriously.
You know what? Have a great summer, okay?
Fuck you.
Fuck you!
Okay.
Hey, what's up?
I'm by the side of the road in some random part of upstate New York.
- That's what's up. - Wait, what? Where's Fran?
We broke up. Can you get a Zipcar and come get me?
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I want to hear all about it later,
but right now we're recording
and our tour manager needs to get an entire demo set to our gig.
Marnie, what does any of that even mean? Please just come get me.
I'm sorry, I can't. I wish I could help. Why don't you just call an Uber?
No, I got kicked off the app for having too low a rating. You know that.
Well, I would ask Desi if one of his loser fake artiste friends with a car
wants to do it for a little bit of extra cash,
but he isn't talking to me right now because he's a child.
Poison berries on my bush...
The only time he looks at me when we're together is when we're singing.
Why don't you ask Ray? Didn't he just get, like, a truck or something?
The last thing I need is a lecture from Ray about my, like, lifestyle choices, okay?
Just, good luck with your hit album.
Okay, I love you, I'm...
You've reached Jessa.
If this is an emergency, you should hang up and dial 9-1-1.
I really don't listen to my messages.
Go fuck yourself.
Let's see who's coming to see us.
Hey, Tall Adam. What are you doing here?
I've been calling Caroline a bunch and she hasn't called me back.
Just want to make sure everything's okay.
That is very cool of you, man. Very cool of you.
But we're all good here. We're all good here, right?
Just plucking away, keeping little Sample alive.
You sticking with the nickname Sample, huh?
Uh, yeah. I mean, she is sample-sized, right?
Sometimes I call her Samps. Pete Sampras.
Where's Caroline?
That would be the question of the day, my man.
That is the question of the day.
She went out three days ago to get some pepitas,
and I guess she's still looking for them.
What?
Pepitas, those toasted pumpkin seeds?
- Kind of a Mexican... - No, no, no, no, no.
She's been gone three days?
Yeah, yeah. I've been, uh, you know, starting to wonder if I should get worried,
but I think she's fine.
Yes, Laird, you should be worried.
Where the fuck could she have gone?
Hard to say, right?
Oh, here comes Uncle Adam. He's coming to say hi.
Meet you all the way
Rosanna
Meet you all the way
What the fuck?
Took me an hour and a half to get up here.
Put a lot of unnecessary miles on this baby.
Thank you so much, Ray.
Well, what am I gonna do, let you rot out here like a piece of fruit?
Plus, I know how much you hate being outdoors.
Ray, you're the truest and most loving friend I've ever had.
Okay, that's sad.
Do you think I made a mistake breaking up with Fran?
Listen, Hannah, if you have the impulse to run away in your pajamas,
that's a pretty strong indicator that it's not working out.
You gotta respect your instincts, you know? Trust your gut.
You know?
What... What are you doing?
I'm just trying to give you something to say thank you
for how kind you've been to me.
Hannah, you really don't have to, uh...
It's okay. Just relax, okay?
Yeah, but you don't have to...
Oh, Jesus.
Okay, um.
Uh, I don't think this is good for our friendship.
Ray, I just need you to relax and "enjoi" the journey.
Right, maybe we can just talk about this for a second.
I don't want to talk because I've got a dick in my mouth.
I just need you to relax and try to be present in the moment.
Okay, I'm trying to relax.
And you just tell me what you like and just let me do it to you.
Is this... Is this okay?
Don't touch the top of my head. I really don't like that.
That's very triggering for me.
Just try mixing it up down there.
- Okay. - Different energy.
Okay, that's...
Fuck!
What the fuck happened?
All right, here's the last few websites she was on.
Rihanna's Oprah interview.
Now, do you say "Riahna" or do you say "Rianna"?
"Riahna."
"Riahna"? That's what I say.
A lot of people say "Rianna." I think they're wrong.
Joey Pepperoni menu.
Wesley Snipes' Wikipedia page.
There's not, like, a place that you guys leave little, uh,
little notes for each other?
What, like the fridge?
Yeah, like the fridge.
Hey, man, you ever see, uh, Passenger 57?
Isn't that awesome? It was funny, man.
"Always bet on black," man. That's cool. That's a cool dude, man.
You ever see Demolition Man?
I had a haircut like that once. It was pretty sweet.
Hey, man! Hey!
Just be cool with my fridge, dude!
There's a note under your fridge.
Oh, yeah, that's, uh, where my Wailers tickets ended up.
"Dearest Mouse." I'm Mouse.
"It is with a heavy heart
"and tortured soul
"that I write these words.
"Since the birth of Sample,
"which was and still remains my greatest achievement,
"I've been racked with inexplicable guilt and shame.
"My mind has been infected by horrendous thoughts,
"a desire
"to hurt little Sample
"and in my darkest moments, myself.
"The best thing for everyone is for me to leave.
"This is the most anguishing thing I will ever be forced to do.
"Be as kind to our daughter as I was cruel to you
"and she will have a wonderful life.
"Love, Caroline."
Oh, man.
Would you watch Sample for a bit?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure, yeah.
Fuck, Ray. Ahh.
Fuck, Ray.
What happened?
- Oh, my God. - Are you okay?
I think I'm okay.
I don't think I have any broken bones or anything.
What the fuck was that?
Well, you were driving and then suddenly you just swerved...
No, what the fuck were you doing?
That? I was trying to blow you.
Why?
Why? 'Cause I was trying to give you what you want 'cause I'm not a selfish person.
This is a brand-new coffee truck.
Brand-new. Do you have any idea how much a brand-new coffee truck costs?
$600?
You are callow, you are insufferable, and you have really fucked me this time!
Thank you very much.
Are you mad 'cause you couldn't get hard?
$50,000.
That's how much a brand-new coffee truck costs.
50K.
And I can get hard whenever the fuck I want to get hard.
Okay, great, so you just didn't want to get hard.
Like most men, you had no desire to get hard.
Okay, let's call Marnie Michaels, 'cause clearly you don't believe me.
Put her on speakerphone.
I don't want to call Marnie and ask if you can get hard.
- Shoshanna Shapiro? - I don't want to talk to anyone...
- Emily Goldstein. - I don't want to talk...
Susan Farber. Ask anybody.
I believe it. You can get so hard.
There we go.
Fuck!
You're my little pumpkin pop
Pumpkin pop, pumpkin pop
Hanging at the chocolate shop
Waiting for the moon to drop
Okay, we're good.
Okay, I couldn't get formula. I went to two places.
They didn't have it, so I just got whole milk.
No, no. She can't drink that shit.
It's a baby. She's not gonna know the difference, Adam.
It doesn't matter if she knows the difference. She can't digest it.
I know that. I was kidding.
I'm going out to get formula now.
I just came back to see if you needed anything else.
No, just food.
Just food for the baby would be great.
Oh, my God. It is so hot.
Have you been out today?
I'm going. I'm going. I need a second. I just got in.
- It's so hot outside. - Here, could you take her for a second?
I've had to pee for the past hour
and I don't want to do it in front of her.
She'll think my dick's a monster.
I've never held a baby.
Shh.
Adam, how about I hold your penis while you hold the baby?
... going to Croatia unless you have a sick boat the entire time.
You can cruise around the islands.
What? Shit.
Shoshanna.
Can you just give us a sec, Jer?
Great seeing you, Shosh!
- Hi. - Hey, Scott. Um...
What are you doing here?
Remember, this is my little place that I... I told you about this place.
What, um... Why aren't you in Japan?
Um, I learned that it's very hard to emigrate,
which is why you rarely hear the word "emigrant."
Oh.
And were you gonna call me, or...
I don't know.
Okay, so, um, what's going on with you?
Uh, what are you doing for work?
Um, I don't know, Scott. I kind of just got back
and all these questions are, like, seriously stressing me out,
and I'm currently reading about how to get on welfare,
so I don't really have time for this.
You're going on welfare?
I don't know. I'm thinking about it, okay?
There aren't exactly, like, a wealth of options for an NYU graduate
with experience in many aspects of brand management.
You can't just take government resources that are for actually needy families
just because you didn't like your job in Japan.
Okay, so now I don't deserve food stamps because I'm Jewish.
You know what?
I'm glad I saw you. This is making me really happy that we broke up.
- Oh. Good. - Yeah, thank you for doing that.
Yeah.
You complained the entire time we were together
about all of your unemployed, entitled friends,
and you're actually the worst of all of them.
How dare you, Scott? You just preyed upon my deepest fear.
I told you that in confidence during pillow talk.
Look, you're figuring out how to go on welfare over omakase sushi.
Maybe you should cut down on your
large-sake-in-the-middle-of-the-day budget first.
- That's a small. - That is not a small, that's a large.
I know... I know what a large sake is. I drink a lot of sake.
That's why you have a sake gut.
You know what? Have a great life.
I hope everything works out for you.
- Good luck, Shosh. - Oh, no, no, no. Don't you "good luck" me.
That is, like, the meanest thing that you could ever say to anybody.
And by the way, you're wrong about this place.
The fish is exactly suited to the price.
Well, and thank God you can afford it with your food stamps.
I am forever sorry for the shame I have brought upon your establishment.
Bye-bye. Okay.
All right, so my guy won't be able to be here for another four or five hours.
So, call someone else.
Why, so some stranger could come here and rip me off?
No, thanks. Dmitri's a good guy. He's on his way. He's gonna do the job right.
Well, what are we gonna do?
We can't just sit here for four or five hours, Ray.
Jessa, can you turn that shit off?
Yep. Shit.
Hi, Hannah. How's it going?
Well, it's not good. Why are you whispering?
Um, because I'm holding a baby.
Whose baby are you holding?
It's Caroline's baby.
Are you, uh, with Adam?
Mmm-hmm.
I'm helping him with the baby.
Because you're fucking him.
Yeah.
She knows. She fully knows.
I can't really think about this right now.
No, I know. Let's never talk about this, ever.
Ever. I mean...
It's not like we did anything wrong.
You know, it's... This is how you meet people.
You meet people you know.
It's not like you guys were married.
If I did something immoral, I would feel bad.
But I don't because we didn't do anything wrong.
I mean, do you feel bad?
Jessa, my sister is missing.
She abandoned her child and appears to be suicidal.
I can't really think about Hannah right now.
I know. That's why it's so infuriating that she makes it all about her.
Hey, you guys all right?
Yeah, we're okay. Help's on the way. Thank you.
Actually, um...
Are you by any chance going into the city?
- Yeah, I am. - Would you mind giving me a ride?
I mean, I'm going to Greenpoint, but any part of Brooklyn will work.
- Thank God. - Hey, Hannah!
Hannah, what are you doing?
This isn't 1974. You can't just hop into a car with a groovy stranger.
I need to get home, Ray.
Hannah, I forbid you from leaving in this vehicle.
Dude, she's an adult woman, man. Let her do what she wants.
Hey, hey! I got your plates!
You put a hand on her,
I will hunt you down like Liam fucking Neeson!
You hear me?
So you can find me in Oaxaca
Where I go to pay my dues
Yeah, you'll find me in a dark bar
Where no gringos are
Yeah, you'll find me in a bar, Oaxaca
Hey, you guys... You guys, let's take five.
Actually, I'd rather not take five.
Hey, let's take five. Take five.
Yes, you made it.
Of course. I'm a woman of my word.
Amazing.
- Hi. - Hey.
Who are you?
Oh, uh, hey, guys, um, this is Tandace.
We are super lucky. She's gonna help us out with our stage decor on our tour.
Pilar made some arepas. I brought you some.
Wait a minute. Is this for real?
Are you guys, like, pranking me or something?
Desi, she cannot do our, like, stage decor.
- See what I mean? - I got this.
- Marnie? - Yeah?
Can we go solo a second?
Yeah.
Who are you?
I'm Tandace Moncrief.
Yes, I am familiar with your very fake name.
I just mean, how do you know my whatever the fuck he is to me now?
I guess at this point he's so close to being my ex-husband.
Desi and I have known each other for a long, long time.
That's so interesting 'cause he's never mentioned you
and you also weren't at our wedding.
- No, no, I wasn't. - Hmm.
Actually, I was facilitating an anti-violence communication workshop...
Of course.
Making me uniquely qualified to handle this situation.
Desi tells me you got some rage stuff.
"Rage stuff." "Rage stuff"? Really?
"Rage"? No, no, no, no. You have that all fucking wrong.
I am cool as a fucking cucumber all the time.
- Marnie? - Yeah?
Listen, right now it's easier for Desi to separate the music and his personal life.
Obviously, you're a major part of the music.
But for his life, we feel
that it would just be better if you didn't exist for a little while.
Oh, interesting. Okay, so I think I understand now.
When we're singing and playing and making music,
he can talk to me and tell me what I'm doing wrong and pick at me.
That's all cool. But the minute we stop, I cease to exist.
I become, essentially, a ghost.
- Exactly. - Exactly.
- I'm so sorry. - Oh, well, Tandace, I so accept your apology.
And thank you so much for all of your spiritual guidance.
Thank you, and nama-fucking-ste.
Hey, was that your dad back there?
Are you guys in, uh, like, a fight or something?
Oh, no, no, no. That's just my old boss.
You got a lot of stuff in the car.
Yeah, I'm moving.
Okay, um, I'm actually just receiving a call, if you'll hold on one moment.
Excuse me.
Marnie, what's up? Why you calling?
You called me. Um, and I still can't pick you up, Hannah.
By the way, do you think I have a rage problem?
So, um, I'm hitchhiking, actually.
I, uh, got in a car that pulled over for me at the side of the road,
so I am in Hector...
I'm sorry, I didn't catch your last name.
- Medina. - Hector Medina's car.
He is a Latin male in his mid-30s.
Close-cropped hair.
Wait a minute, Hannah, is this a safety call?
- Mmm-hmm. - Oh, my God. Okay, you are not safe.
Otherwise you would not be making a safety call.
So, what you need to do is get out of the car immediately.
Yep, yep, yep.
I'm sorry, but I picked you up for company
and it's just kind of rude that you're on the phone.
Sorry, my friend's just...
Marnie, I gotta go. Can't do this now.
Okay, okay, Hannah. Just pretend to hang up
but leave me on the phone so that I can hear you,
and then the first chance you get, tell him you have to pee and then run.
Yes.
You know, I actually have to pee really bad, so wherever you can pull over.
There's nowhere really to stop around here.
Okay, but I've gotta pee, like, now, so whenever you can pull it over,
I will literally pee anywhere. Right here would actually be great.
- Here. - At this exact spot.
I don't think I can, uh...
I won't look, okay? I promise.
What, you don't trust me?
You get in my car and you don't trust me?
- I trust you! - Wow.
I trust you. I trust you.
In fact, you and I trust each other
and I am peeing in this bottle because I have to pee,
but also to show that you and I do trust each other
and we would never do anything to harm one another.
Okay.
Hannah, are you seriously about to pee right now?
Oh, gosh.
Oh, my Lord. Oh, Lord.
I think... Adam, I think she just spit up on me.
You need to hold her. Just... Please.
Wait, look, did she... Oh, my God, it stinks.
Oh, my God, Adam.
Wait, where are the towels?
You have to help me. It's dripping all the way down my back
and into my butt. Adam.
Why aren't you helping me?
You're an adult. She's a baby.
Why do you need more help than a baby?
So, why are you moving?
Well, it's... It's kind of a long story.
I was in a pretty fucked-up relationship and I just had to get out.
It's complicated.
You know, the relationship just got too intense.
Things became abusive.
Did you hit her?
No, no, no, no. I couldn't do that.
I wouldn't. That's what was so fucked up.
There was nothing I could do when she would beat the shit out of me.
She hit you?
Oh, my God. All the time.
She would fuckin' hit me with lamps,
- kick me in the balls. - Oh, God.
Slap me with magazines.
The last straw was when she pointed a fucking gun in my face.
I wrestled that shit out of her hands and I packed my bags.
Now I'm getting as far the fuck away from Nevada as I can.
Yeah, totally.
You and I are two peas in a pod, my friend, 'cause I just broke up with my boyfriend
and that's how I ended up like trash by the side of the road.
Oh, shit. No way.
Why'd you break up?
Oh, um, you know, he turned out to be a dick.
I guess what I'm even more upset about than the breakup
is the fact that I just got official confirmation
that my ex-boyfriend and my now ex-best friend are fucking.
Oh, shit. What?
Dude, they could've found somebody else, right?
I mean, what's he got, like, a diamond dick?
She have a golden pussy or something?
They might have those things.
But...
Oh, damn.
There it is.
I've never seen the city in real life before.
Well, there it is.
Yes, you made it to New York City, baby!
You're really excited!
It's like, it's New York, right?
It feels like anything is possible there.
I'm gonna go see Les Mis!
- Yeah! - I'm gonna get my portrait done,
but I want to do the profile, you know?
Like, nobody ever does their profile, so I wanna do that.
You're gonna like it. It's a good place to live.
There's a lot of different kinds of food, good pizza.
It's a good place to start over.
Yeah.