Don't you get it, Hannah? I am not a person who yells, okay?
I am not a person who freaks out.
I'm a chill fucking person,
and you made me go fucking insane!
I'm really sorry.
You're fuckin' sorry?
I've never acted like this before in a relationship! All right?
Not once.
I'm a good fuckin' boyfriend!
And you... You just shit all over that.
You shit all over it, and you somehow make me the fuckin' bad guy?
Fran, stop, okay?
You're a dick.
A secret dick, to be sure. But you are a dick.
You're very judgmental. You're very moralistic.
You definitely would've sent witches to trial in The Crucible.
And that might work for some, like, administrative assistant
that you meet in a sports bar,
but it doesn't work for me.
Our relationship didn't work out.
It sucks.
At this point, it really doesn't matter
who the asshole was or who the asshole wasn't,
so why can't you just take your stuff and go?
You wouldn't know real love
if it bit your fuckin' tit off.
I'm sure you're right.
You said to me, point-blank,
that you had never been in a healthy relationship before.
So, how would you even know if this was healthy?
- I wouldn't know. - Maybe, for all you know,
you just said goodbye to the best thing that ever happened to you.
Probably, I did.
You're gonna regret this so fuckin' hard.
Fran, I don't know why you can't just give this up.
You don't even like me.
It does not matter if I don't like you, okay?
I love you.
I would be happy to pay for an Uber
to transport you and your things back to your home.
(SIGHING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GASPING)
(CONSTRUCTION NOISES)
(SIGHS) Fuck.
So, what, you had a sex dream about Ray?
You've had actual sex with Ray, which is way worse.
And I've had sex dreams about everybody I've known, including you.
You raped me.
No, it wasn't a sex dream, it was a love dream.
We weren't even having sex in it.
I mean, I still came, but it was from something else.
Oh, Marnie, I don't wanna hear about this.
And you can't come.
I was brushing his hair.
Well, that's a fool's errand if I ever heard one.
He had this long, gorgeous hair...
It was like Khaleesi from Game of Thrones,
except it was raven black,
and I was just brushing it slowly and tenderly,
and I was getting him ready for school.
So, he was, like, your daughter?
Yeah, in a sense.
God, I just can't get it out of my mind.
It's like the best thing that's happened to me in months.
That's the most depressing thing I've heard in my entire life.
And you know what? I wish it was real.
What is wrong with me?
Well, your sandals, for starters.
(SINGING)
- Shosh? - Ray.
Shosh, is that really you?
Oh, my God. Oh, Shosh.
Mmm. Shosh, look at you.
I can't believe it's you.
- You're a full-grown woman now. - (LAUGHS)
Are you guys closed?
No, but I'm about to shut it down for the day.
I've got a community board meeting in a little while,
and then there's a Dennis Kucinich live web stream I wanna hop onto.
What the fuck happened in here?
Yeah, that.
Across the street over there.
We've been outpaced, outshined, outmaneuvered, out-everything
by those neo-hippie gender-neutral monsters.
It's very bleak, Shosh. It's very bleak.
Hermie says that if business doesn't pick up in here,
he's gonna turn this place into a billiards store.
- Not bar, store. - Okay, you have to fight this, Ray.
You have to have a wartime attitude.
Maybe ask for some help, something I know you're fucking terrible at.
But ask for it anyways.
Who's gonna help me, Shosh?
Who? My last remaining employee's Elijah.
Hermie's consuming heroic amounts of painkillers.
My coffee truck is a complete bust for reasons I can't even get into,
although they involve Hannah
trying to suckle the head of my penis at 50 miles an hour.
Okay, I'm gonna help you.
Seriously, what do you think I was doing in Japan?
I mean, other than learning origami and eating candy that tastes like other candy.
I do marketing, Ray.
It is my area of expertise.
I went to mother-effing college for it.
So, you know, at least let me have a crack at that.
(SIGHS) We do make a pretty good team.
The best.
Wait, Hannah?
- Yeah... - Don't tell me.
Can I help you with anything?
(SIGHS) I don't fuckin' know.
Um. I guess I'm looking for items that say,
(INHALES) "I really am the one for you,
"despite your misgivings about monogamy and your penthouse full of whores."
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I have been in a very open relationship
with a very well-known (WHISPERING) television personality.
- Okay. - And I am really hoping to
close it.
Say no more.
This is really speaking to me for that.
- Yeah. - Mmm-hmm.
(LAUGHS) All right.
Why aren't you working in a more high-end retail establishment?
Now, why aren't you shopping in one?
- Oh! (LAUGHS) Touché. - (LAUGHS)
- Uh? - D'Emilia.
D'Emilia.
- (LAUGHS) - Hmm.
Well, let's Pretty Woman this shit, D'Emilia.
- You got it. - (CLICKS TONGUE)
TOBY: Wow. Good thing school's not in session,
or that outfit would definitely not fly.
Oh. You know, I'm kind of trying to spend less time
in places where my outfit doesn't fly.
You know, my proverbial outfit.
Um. I'm not sure I follow.
Principal Toby,
this has been a really, really amazing opportunity for me.
You've taken a lot of chances on me, and I'm sure you've taken a lot of flak,
which is why I'm gonna seem like a real wench
when I say that I don't think I'll be coming back next year.
Oh, gosh. I... Why?
Did you get... Did you get another job?
Is it those bastards from Fort Greene Montessori?
No. What it is, is that I've been trying
to stay more open to signals from the universe,
and I don't know if I can be open to those signals
if I'm tuned in to another song.
This job being the song.
Okay, Hannah. I wish you all the best.
I really do. You know, you've been so, um...
Eye-opening to me.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
I mean, with all your setbacks and your issues, you...
You live your life with such joie de vivre.
You're right, I do. I do have a lot of joie de vivre.
You do. You really do.
And it's unusual to see that in a teacher.
I mean, it's unusual to see it in anybody.
I really hope you find what you're looking for.
Thank you, Principal Toby.
And for the record,
I think you're a lot funkier than people give you credit for.
And, by the way, I'm really sorry I showed you my pussy.
I was in a bad relationship,
and I was blasting a lot of energy in the wrong direction.
Forget about it. Water under the bridge.
Thank you, sir.
(SIGHS)
Hannah!
Hannah. Hannah Horvath.
Tally, hey.
Oh, my God.
This is so crazy.
I was literally just thinking about you.
Um, why?
I am writing a novel
about the tyranny of political correctness at Oberlin,
so, of course, I'm including the sophomore year incident
where you called our RA a Jewish Hitler and then Heil'd him.
Yeah, well, you know, that's sort of my story to tell.
You do remember it. Yeah. How are you?
Um. I'm okay. (STAMMERS) It's a work in progress,
- as it is for everybody, I would say. - Oh.
People big and small.
Mmm-hmm. I do know that, girl.
I just got back from a writing retreat at MacDowell,
so you're, like, the sixth person I've seen since I left my cabin.
So, I'm just like... I feel so crazy!
Like, I just want to, like, murder someone in the face!
Where are you headed? Do you wanna hang out?
Um.
I'm not really headed anywhere in particular at the moment.
Okay.
Well, that's perfect
'cause I'm literally free until 3:00 a.m.
And I guess I'm free till I have to go home to Michigan for Thanksgiving.
- So, let's do it. - Let's catch up.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Wow. This is crazy.
You look exactly the same.
- Thanks, your bike looks really expensive. - Yeah.
Well, thank you for agreeing to meet like this.
It's very big of you,
especially considering Tandice.
Thank you for saying that.
That means a lot to me, praise coming from you.
Okay, don't go overboard.
I just think that if we're going to keep the ball rolling post Grey's...
- Mmm-hmm. - We have to put the past behind us.
I agree.
- This is a big moment for both of us. - I know.
I just need you to please promise me
that the not-talking-to-me bullshit is over.
- Okay, well, it's tricky, Marn. - No.
When the aggression train is headed straight towards me...
- We're collaborators. - So... Okay.
- I understand we're collaborating. - It's childish. It doesn't make sense.
So, don't judge the way that my process works.
- Baby. - Well, I'm not...
- Oh. Hi. - Hi.
- It's time to go. - Okay, my e ku'u.
Um, actually, there's a couple more bullet points
- we're supposed to go over... - Des...
- We said eight minutes. - Yeah.
Any more than that would be...
- Re-immersion. Right. - Mmm-hmm.
We're done talking.
Yes.
- I got you that tea. - Oh, thank you.
How does that make you feel?
You know, grateful and excited.
Thirsty.
Okay, Marn, I will catch you at rehearsal.
- I got you the hemp oil... - I love that stuff.
Hey, what are you drinking?
(SIGHS)
We're gonna move that over here. And then just...
- You're gonna cross out the... - DILL: Yeah, exactly.
Hi.
Elijah, hey. What a surprise.
Uh, can I talk to you for... (STAMMERS) About something?
Well, if it's about the troop situation in Kandahar,
- then Alexia's already beat you to the punch. - (LAUGHS)
Why don't you wait in the wings? We'll get a drink afterwards.
- Alexia, can you show him where to stand? - Sure.
Um, no, actually, I... Can we talk now?
- Get that in the teleprompter? - Yes.
All right, is this another one of your states of the union?
No, it's not.
I'm not happy with the way we left things.
I was angry, and I felt like you were...
Embarrassed.
Even though that's not an emotion you claim to be able to feel.
Well, I'm gonna be embarrassed if I miss this broadcast.
What is it?
Dill, I know you would never admit this to yourself,
but don't you wanna be with somebody who sees you for you?
- (SIGHS) - Beyond all of this?
Elijah.
I'm the only person who's gonna be honest with you
about your bad jokes and the fact
that no, you don't look better with a shaved head.
And if you say your private life is private,
and then you go and see Cher in Las Vegas,
that's not the same thing as coming out of the closet.
But all those guys you have around, all those
fucking guys you just have.
They're only gonna tell you what you wanna hear,
and they're gonna cater to you
because of your fame and the stuff that you have.
I don't want your stuff. (CHUCKLES)
You're gonna end up with nothing.
And you deserve everything.
Dill, don't you wanna be with someone
who sees you for you?
Don't you want a...
A boyfriend-someone?
Who's honest?
Wow.
- (CHUCKLES) - (SIGHS)
- Hold on, hold on. - I...
You're not wrong.
I've wanted something serious for a while,
- and maybe this is the time. - (LAUGHS)
- That's what I'm saying. - That's not what I mean.
I'm looking for someone special.
A special someone.
For me.
And I'm not that someone.
What can I say, Elijah?
Love is so mysterious.
- What does he look like? - Elijah, please.
No, I'm... I'm just curious. I'm really curious.
What does this person even look like?
I don't know, someone closer to my own age...
- Well... - Tall...
"Tall"? We're, like, the same height.
How much... How much taller could a person be?
Someone less aimless.
Thank you.
I feel so supported.
God. You've opened up my mind
and my heart.
I'll think of you every time I go to Brooklyn.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Can I help you?
Oh. Yeah. Hey.
I'm writing a poem
out of found words,
so I'm just, like, looking for some words, man.
That's cool.
Do you mind if we give you a few words?
Yeah, for sure. Like, there are no rules.
There are rules.
"Greenery."
Great.
BARISTA 1: "Silenced."
Beautiful.
- "Champion." - "Ally."
- BARISTA 2: "Tunic." - Loving them.
"Cat."
I don't know if I'm gonna beat that. That's really powerful.
Yeah, I haven't really, like, perfected the rhyme scheme yet,
so these are actually perfect.
- Thank you. - Um.
(SPEAKS HAWAIIAN)
I dated this guy on and off for a while. Like, two years.
I mean, it was pretty serious, I guess.
Mmm-hmm.
Um. But, uh, we broke up because I went to the Iowa Writers' Workshop,
which also didn't work out...
Yeah, of course. I mean, did you not just feel so oppressed while you were there?
Or was it that, like, annoying emphasis on traditional fiction that just kind of, like...
I just didn't wanna write.
Yeah, welcome to the club.
No, I mean, like, I don't write anymore.
I don't even write to-do lists, I just don't...
Do it.
Really?
Just, like, total identity switcheroo.
I think that's very brave.
I think that's very beautiful and brave.
You know, then I got back, and he was dating this girl... Woman. Mimi-Rose...
Howard?
You know her?
Mmm-hmm. She is such garbage,
and if she fucks with me at one more TEDxWomen's event,
I'm going to kill her, and then I will rejoice.
Her fucking lectures, she's just like, "Hi, I've got a lot to say
"about the feminist approach to fucking being a bitch."
Oh, oh. For sure.
She is like a pure white blinding evil.
And then I dated this teacher who was, like, you know,
fine, but he was a square.
- I'm not, obviously, a square. - Mmm-mmm.
Plus, I was just using him to try to get over Adam,
who's probably the only person I've ever loved, so there's that.
So, why not just go after that?
Oh, I can't.
I couldn't, even if I wanted to.
You remember Jessa, right?
Of course. She tried to cook meth in South Hall,
and then all the hazmat people came, and we were all so excited.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fairness to her, she was cooking the meth to sell.
What she was smoking was crack.
- Well, that's good. - But anyway, he's with her now.
Really?
And is that normal for you?
I mean, aren't you guys, like, best friends?
Thought so.
Oh, fuck.
That's so intense. I'm so sorry.
(SIGHS)
Yeah, I mean, from what I remember, she has really amazing hair.
She has amazing hair, she's an amazing person.
She's just not a person I can have in my life right now.
And the worst part is, like,
I miss them both, you know? Like...
I love them both so much, I don't know who to warn about the other one.
And I could do what my instinct is,
which is run around and destroy things and scream
and try to throw myself in front of a van to make a point, but,
end of the day, that would just be me fulfilling all of their expectations of me,
and I would love to surprise someone sometime.
Ooh, no. Oh.
Lady, no.
That's so sad.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No. Oh, God.
That hurt me to hear that.
Oh, girl.
I could've eaten seven more hot dogs.
I was just being calm.
Ugh. I feel like seven hot dogs right now.
Plus, I just can't eat a lot when someone else is eating a minimal amount.
I feel like we should've both just gone for it.
Did you just see this asshole not lock his bike?
- No. - Well, I did,
and I hate it when people are like, "Oh, it was a sign."
But I think this is a sign.
I'm not gonna steal a bike, Tally.
That's what I'm saying.
If you know what I'm saying, then you know you should do it.
Hop a leg over, get your vagina on that seat,
and ride into the future.
You know what? Yes.
People steal things all the time without consequences.
- It's my time. - That's right.
- It's my time. - Inspired by me.
I've never felt more alive!
I have a new bike!
Hey, that's my bike!
- That's my bike! - TALLY: Go, go!
- Come back here! - TALLY: Keep riding!
- Uh-oh. - Whoa!
Hi.
I wish I wasn't too scared to look at the view.
It's so nice!
Just feel it in your heart.
I can't even believe how fast I'm going!
Don't look back, but I look exactly like a poodle
with her head sticking out the window.
Whoo!
Be careful. There's a bump.
- Aw. - This is me.
Okay, bye.
Well, we should smoke a fatty J, right?
Yeah.
You're fun.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Okay, that place
is about to turn into a Manson Family situation any day now.
I am deeply uncomfortable with what I have seen.
New York is dead.
This city's no place for people like us anymore.
Okay, Hermie, I know it feels that way, but, no.
Those hipsters are a very specific subculture,
a vocal minority, if you will, like the Westboro Baptist Church.
But they may all be related for all we know.
This is what I propose.
Ray's as a destination for the anti-hipster.
You're talking about rebranding?
Oh, a heavy rebranding.
Like when Kentucky Fried Chicken just became KFC
so people would forget that they were, you know, eating Kentucky food.
Gentlemen, it is high time we start selling coffee to people with jobs.
- (COUGHING) - Yeah.
Good. Beautiful. Good job.
Great. Good girl. Good girl.
I've been so fucking jealous of you.
What?
You're... Are you kidding?
You're, like, the bar against which I've measured everything, you know?
It's like, we graduated from college four years ago,
and so I calculate, "Oh, it's been four years.
"Tally's published two books of essays and a novel."
- And I did a book of poetry as well. - And you did a book of poetry as well.
- Yeah. - And what have I done?
You know? What have I done with my life
besides get not one but two strains of HPV
and gain and lose a total of 33 pounds?
Oh, man.
That's so crazy to be jealous of me.
Oh, my God. Cut the shit, seriously.
Fair enough.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess everyone is jealous of me.
(SCOFFS)
Do you know I google myself every day?
(LAUGHS) It's so gross, but I do,
and I just wanna see if, like, Gawker or whoever they are,
has written some snarky thing about how much of a hack I am,
or if even there's just, like, a pretty picture of me
in the Financial Times roundup of books of the year.
(SNIFFS)
I need to see how other people see me because...
It's the only way that I can see myself.
I wake up every morning and I think, "Well, okay,
"what would Tally Schifrin do?"
Tally Schifrin is not even me now.
She's just, like, this thing that I've created.
She's a monster that I've made and I have to feed,
and she feeds on praise
and controversy.
And it's exhausting and boring at once.
And...
I'm too smart to be exhausted and bored.
And now I have a book of essays due,
and not to be, like, boo-hoo about it,
but it's like, what the fuck am I gonna write an essay on?
All I do is google myself, and smoke weed,
and, um, masturbate with an electric toothbrush.
You could afford a vibrator.
I know. I really don't want one,
and that makes me feel mentally ill.
Today's, like, the most fun I've had in,
(SIGHS)
like, 17 months.
I just thought you woke up in the morning
in, like, a ray of sunshine and, like, birds dressed you...
(SCOFFS)
And you just, like, came in your pants from all the accolades,
and then people handed you awards on your way to, like, a fancy dinner.
Yeah. (SNIFFS) Yeah.
Uh.
I guess that's how you're supposed to feel,
like, by my calculations, but... (SNIFFS)
Look at you.
You've had all these, like,
boyfriends and jobs and moments.
And you've lived all this truth.
Well, it didn't feel like very much while it was happening.
But it is much.
And you have so much to say.
And look at your little freckles.
(LAUGHS)
Look at your little freckles all over your little face.
And you have little tiny teeth.
They're so... Little side teeth.
These teeth? I don't even know if they're real.
- I love them. - Oh, thank you.
Yeah, I love them so much.
It's so nice.
Should we have sex?
Should we?
Like, probably not.
- No! (LAUGHS) - No. Okay! (LAUGHS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hey. - Hi.
You're, uh, at my door.
Yep.
Yep, this is where I am.
Cool.
I am having a very strong feeling about you,
and it's been making me really uncomfortable.
Okay.
I am supposed to be alone right now.
You know, I'm spending time with myself.
Okay.
Like, I'm not supposed to be doing this, but, um...
I wanna brush your hair.
Come again?
I had a love dream about you.
What the fuck is a love dream?
I love you.
It can't be you.
It just... It can't. It can't be you.
- I think it might be me, Marn. - Yeah.
- I really do. - Yeah.
I just think the next person I sleep with,
like, I want his ex-wife to be Spanish.
TALLY: Fuck, Willem Dafoe is your answer.
Oh, my God. I would seriously...
- Hi. - Hello.
- Hey. - Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
I'm sorry. Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry, Hannah.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
What?
- No, no, no. - I don't know. I don't know.
Oh, please.
I'm in shock.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I don't know.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, my God.