1
00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:51,052
- Hannah.
- Hannah, I saw you see us.

2
00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:56,390
I just started my run, okay?

3
00:00:56,474 --> 00:00:57,516
That's not true.

4
00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:59,602
You were returning here, to your home.

5
00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:03,022
What I do is I run up
and down the block multiple times,

6
00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:04,356
till I feel like I'm gonna barf.

7
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,067
I measured it out. It's basically a mile.

8
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:07,485
What are you doing here?

9
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,987
Hannah, you haven't
returned any of our phone calls.

10
00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:11,155
Not one.

11
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,365
Honey, I called you 23 times the other day.

12
00:01:13,449 --> 00:01:15,868
Yeah, does that
not strike you as a bit psycho?

13
00:01:15,951 --> 00:01:18,537
We just want to spend
some time with you, honey, okay?

14
00:01:18,621 --> 00:01:20,623
As a normal family unit.

15
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,333
Well, I would say "normal family unit"

16
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,460
kind of went out the window
when one of you became gay,

17
00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:26,295
and the other started
dressing like Pat Benatar.

18
00:01:28,214 --> 00:01:29,465
Please be open to us, Hannah.

19
00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,967
Be open to the time
we want to spend with you.

20
00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:34,011
I have to finish my run.

21
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:35,304
Bullshit.

22
00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:37,765
No, Mom, you don't know,
I've been running a lot.

23
00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:40,810
I'm not sure if you've heard of endorphins,
but they've been really helping me.

24
00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:42,645
Helping me to deal with you.

25
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,981
Endorphins.

26
00:01:46,232 --> 00:01:47,733
Comes on the...

27
00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:57,326
I'm sorry I didn't come. I was really close.

28
00:01:57,409 --> 00:02:00,412
The good news is I can only come
when I, like, kind of hate someone.

29
00:02:00,496 --> 00:02:03,082
I'm working on that with my online therapist.

30
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:05,417
Well, I won't stop trying.

31
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:10,089
Ray, you have to
support me professionally, okay?

32
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:13,801
I mean, as much as it might
cause damage to us romantically,

33
00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:16,387
Desi and I are opening
for The Lumineers in Boston.

34
00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:18,472
That's great. That sounds amazing.

35
00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:20,474
I mean, I thought lumineers were teeth caps,

36
00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:22,143
but clearly, based on your enthusiasm,

37
00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:24,812
they must nurture
some important significance

38
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,480
in the alternative rock universe.

39
00:02:26,564 --> 00:02:29,567
Except fucking Tandice
is coming on every stop of the tour.

40
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,403
And I'm telling you, she is deeply crazy.

41
00:02:32,528 --> 00:02:34,238
No one is that calm.

42
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:36,157
Right, she is calm.

43
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,202
Come with me.

44
00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,914
- On tour?
- Yes, totally.

45
00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:46,625
I mean, I will require
a lot of emotional support,

46
00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:48,419
and some minor logistical support.

47
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,963
You know, simple stuff,
like making sure I have coconut water,

48
00:02:51,046 --> 00:02:52,923
and smartwater, and sort my vitamins,

49
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:55,134
and figure out how much zinc to take,
all that stuff.

50
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:57,887
But I know you don't want to be without me.

51
00:02:58,637 --> 00:02:59,680
I know that.

52
00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,641
Come on, please?

53
00:03:03,142 --> 00:03:05,060
- Please?
- You're so cute when you beg.

54
00:03:05,144 --> 00:03:06,770
- Please?
- I'm a human.

55
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,480
I'm just a mortal man.

56
00:03:08,564 --> 00:03:10,816
- Yeah, I'd love to come. That sounds great.
- Yeah?

57
00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:12,526
- Yeah, why not?
- What about work?

58
00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:13,944
What about work? It'll be fine.

59
00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,988
Kippy can run the community board meetings
for a little while,

60
00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:17,740
and Shosh has the coffee shop on lockdown.

61
00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:21,368
- Are you still peeing?
- Huh? Yeah.

62
00:03:21,452 --> 00:03:23,954
I mean, I just want to
make sure I get every last drop out.

63
00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:26,540
You are not giving me a UTI before tour.

64
00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:35,549
Amazing work, Megan.

65
00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:38,344
Keep it moving, but also, like,
keep it connected. Just like...

66
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:41,263
Hermie! Hermie, hi. Just a minute.

67
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:45,059
Okay, I have some news that is going to
rock your Mephistos right off your socks.

68
00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,894
<i>The New York Times</i> Thursday style section

69
00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:48,646
wants to come here
and do a piece on us next week.

70
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,105
They love the hipster-hate angle.

71
00:03:50,189 --> 00:03:51,732
They want to do a whole profile
on our transformation,

72
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,359
so I bought a few shirts
and I put them in your office

73
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:55,069
and I hung them
in like, descending order of preference.

74
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,528
- Now, the turquoise is my...
- Shoshanna! Shoshanna!

75
00:03:56,612 --> 00:03:57,655
- Shoshanna!
- Yes?

76
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,198
- I know I told you to lean in.
- Yeah.

77
00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:01,033
But you've gone too far.

78
00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:02,660
Now I want you to lean out.

79
00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:04,703
Oh, my God, are you firing me?

80
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,580
No, no...

81
00:04:06,664 --> 00:04:09,208
We've made more money this week
than the past five months.

82
00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:11,377
It's just you're a very intense person.

83
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:13,837
You've got a powerful energy,
and it's too much.

84
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,422
I need you to take it down a notch.

85
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,800
I... Oh, no.

86
00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:20,636
Hi, sir. Bye, sir.

87
00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:22,429
Your kind are not welcome here.

88
00:04:22,513 --> 00:04:24,932
Read the sign. Out.

89
00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:28,143
Hermie, Hermie,
we cannot actually turn people away.

90
00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:29,687
That's discrimination.

91
00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,730
We just have to, like, you know, glare at them,

92
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:32,856
and make them super uncomfortable,

93
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,192
and bully them until they
leave of their own volition.

94
00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:36,735
Listen to me, muffin.

95
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:39,697
From now on,
anybody who walks through that door

96
00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:41,073
with a bun on top of their head,

97
00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:42,616
or tattoos that were not acquired

98
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:45,202
during a naval adventure
on the South Pacific,

99
00:04:45,286 --> 00:04:49,206
we treat 'em like a hippie at Disneyland in '68.

100
00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:51,375
This is a haven for normal people.

101
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,711
Working men and ladies.

102
00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:55,587
Free refills, everybody.

103
00:04:55,713 --> 00:04:57,381
This week only.

104
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,550
We're taking back the night.

105
00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:01,635
You're either with me, or you're against me.

106
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,387
I am so with you, Hermie.

107
00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:06,932
Please save me all of those magical quotes
for <i>The New York Times.</i>

108
00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:10,936
All right, Sample. Let's eat.

109
00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:13,605
Okay. Oi!

110
00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:16,984
Spoon is an aeroplane.

111
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:19,403
And it's crashing into your face.

112
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:22,239
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's way too much for one bite.

113
00:05:23,115 --> 00:05:25,743
- What do you mean?
- That's too much food. She could choke.

114
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:26,994
But she's not choking.

115
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:29,330
She's just spitting it out like a normal person.

116
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:40,632
So, what, now you're just gonna do it?

117
00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:43,093
- Here.
- Can I at least get some fucking credit here?

118
00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:44,928
- Look what I got.
- You told me I sucked with the baby,

119
00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:46,930
and now I'm trying to be better with the baby,

120
00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:49,433
and you're still telling me
I'm fucking up the baby.

121
00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:52,436
I watched two YouTube videos
about babies, Adam.

122
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,356
That is a good girl.

123
00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:56,982
If you want someone
who's so good with babies,

124
00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:58,359
why don't you call Hannah?

125
00:05:58,442 --> 00:05:59,860
She loves babies.

126
00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:02,279
She's always trying
to accidentally French them.

127
00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:04,156
Why the fuck would you
mention Hannah right now?

128
00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,950
I'm sorry, I can't mention her?

129
00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:08,786
Can't even have thoughts about her?

130
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:12,373
No, you can think it all you want,
but don't feel the need to share it with me.

131
00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:16,835
It's okay.

132
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,296
I'm thinking about her right now.

133
00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:24,385
Banana, you don't seem
like you're having fun with us.

134
00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:26,512
I'm not. You guys are depressing.

135
00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:27,638
No, we're not.

136
00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:29,640
Yeah... No, we're a little depressing.

137
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,809
Honey, is it because
we're trying to make it work?

138
00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:32,976
Yes.

139
00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,812
Hannah, stop judging.

140
00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:36,522
You know what?

141
00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:38,315
I don't like being judged, either.

142
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:40,484
That's why I had to
end my relationship with Fran,

143
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:42,319
so I will stop judging you.

144
00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:45,823
If you get better haircuts.

145
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,660
(SIGHS) If you want us to, we'll get haircuts.

146
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:50,828
- TAD: We will.
- Thank you.

147
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,204
Now, I need everyone to stop talking to me,

148
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,581
'cause I'm trying to get in the zone
for The Moth tonight.

149
00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:56,917
Well, that's fun. What's that?

150
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,169
Oh, it's like an open-mic storytelling contest

151
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:03,257
that can lead to NPR opportunities,
and be kind of a doorway to Ira Glass.

152
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,927
So, you're writing again?

153
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:10,347
I don't know, but I have something to say.

154
00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:11,765
What are you wearing?

155
00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:14,935
I would say just, like, this with, like, a blazer
and, like, a belt with trinkets.

156
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,520
- No.
- No.

157
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,691
What if I add, like, a chunky heel?

158
00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:23,277
- No. No.
- No. No.

159
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:24,945
Let's go shopping.

160
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:28,407
Oh, my God. This stuff is so cute.

161
00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:31,869
Mom, I would wear this
on a date with Mark Ruffalo.

162
00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:34,538
I would wear this to lunch
with Graydon Carter.

163
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:36,540
Yeah, it's very good for our body type.

164
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:38,709
We don't have the same body type.

165
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:41,044
Hey, which of your friends
are coming tonight?

166
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:43,213
Oh, I don't know. Not Jessa.

167
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:46,884
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
That is such fucking bullshit.

168
00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:50,554
I just spend all my time trying not to sink
to their level, which is really hard.

169
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:54,099
When I saw them last,
I said, "Good day, Sirs and Misses,"

170
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:55,726
like I was a fucking newsy.

171
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:56,852
Good for you.

172
00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:59,438
I had a friend who stole my boyfriend once.

173
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:03,233
Dale. He was such a hunk.
Captain of the debate team.

174
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:05,903
And then Cadence, this math major bitch,

175
00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:08,906
she started sleeping with him when
I went home for Great-Aunt Bibs' funeral.

176
00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:11,700
Can you imagine?
I'm already mourning Bibs and then this.

177
00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,410
- But you know what?
- What?

178
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:17,247
Two years later, she steps in front of a car,
freak accident, and she's dead.

179
00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:19,249
Now, I'm not saying
that's gonna happen to Jessa,

180
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,627
but I'm also saying
I hope it does, for your sake.

181
00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:25,923
It freed me from so much anger,
anger that probably would've killed me.

182
00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:28,050
And then Dale wanted you again?

183
00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:31,803
I didn't even think of that.
I was just so happy Cadence was dead.

184
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:39,603
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

185
00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:41,939
Hannah, open up the door, okay?

186
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,774
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hannah, I'm not fucking around.

187
00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:46,443
I need to get in there and wash my lower half,

188
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:49,780
by which I mean my dick and my balls

189
00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:50,948
and my...

190
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,616
- Hey!
- Hey!

191
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,326
- Come on in. Hi.
- Hi!

192
00:08:54,493 --> 00:08:55,786
(GROANING)

193
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:58,664
- Well, what a nice surprise.
- Come on in.

194
00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,332
I thought I was gonna have
another morning alone,

195
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:03,669
ever since
your dumb daughter started running.

196
00:09:04,503 --> 00:09:05,796
- Yes.
- Yep, okay.

197
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:06,922
You all right, Elijah?

198
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,131
Uh-huh.

199
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:10,842
You sleep at all, Elijah?

200
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,011
Yeah, yeah. No, I slept...

201
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:14,471
Yeah, I slept Wednesday.

202
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:16,640
Well, it's Saturday now.

203
00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:18,141
- Well...
- It sure is Saturday.

204
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:20,644
- Tad, Calendar Man.
- Yeah.

205
00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:22,980
I don't know, yeah.
I've just been having a good time, you know?

206
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:25,107
Just letting the chips fall
where they may, you know?

207
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:26,984
Just having a good old time. What about you?

208
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:28,485
You here for another gay-for-all?

209
00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:31,363
No, I'm here with my wife.

210
00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:33,657
(LAUGHING)

211
00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,789
Oh, Tad.

212
00:09:40,831 --> 00:09:43,625
That is the saddest thing I have ever heard.

213
00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:45,877
Doing my best.

214
00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:48,338
Really?

215
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:50,173
Well, maybe your best isn't good enough.

216
00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:52,801
- Yeah.
- You know?

217
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,845
Maybe your fuckin' best
isn't good enough, Tad.

218
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:57,848
Yeah.

219
00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,684
I need your bosom.

220
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,227
Okay.

221
00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:04,563
Oh, Tad, what does it matter, anyway?

222
00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:07,190
You know, just a bunch
of fuckin' assholes out there,

223
00:10:07,316 --> 00:10:10,152
just getting whatever they want
while the rest of us just rot.

224
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:14,197
Look at me, just trying to live my life,
be a good person,

225
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,699
and the rich keep getting richer

226
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:18,827
while I turn to dust
on Bleecker Street, you know?

227
00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:26,043
Fuckin' Tad,
you know, I just want to be happy.

228
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:29,046
(SIGHS) Is that... I mean,
I just want to be happy.

229
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:33,133
I just want one day where I just feel good.

230
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:35,344
Of course. Of course you do.

231
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,389
I just feel like...

232
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,393
I just feel like giving up.

233
00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,354
Don't you?

234
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,064
No.

235
00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,733
I feel like I'm just starting.

236
00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,571
She ate once, shat twice, slept for an hour.

237
00:10:55,197 --> 00:10:57,324
Can't thank you enough, man.

238
00:10:57,407 --> 00:11:01,078
I mean, I was able
to get protein powder and underpants,

239
00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:02,996
saw my friend Justin.

240
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,540
You know, just to have,
like, a second to breathe

241
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:08,085
was crucial.

242
00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:10,087
Hey, Samps.

243
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,881
Hey, Samps, girl. Hi.

244
00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:14,257
Hey, look at me.

245
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:16,593
I'm looking at you.

246
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,929
No, no, no, really look at me in my face.

247
00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,098
Okay.

248
00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:22,432
(SAMPLE COOING)

249
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,768
Okay.

250
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,228
You okay?

251
00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,939
- Here's Daddy!
- Oh, hi.

252
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,857
Oh, I missed you.

253
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:31,942
Hi.

254
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,027
I missed you so much.

255
00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:36,905
We're gonna get this on you
and then we're gonna go.

256
00:11:37,406 --> 00:11:39,199
We're gonna get this fuckin' thing...

257
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:40,951
You know what? I'll carry her.

258
00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:42,119
- I'll just carry you.
- Okay.

259
00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:44,621
I'd rather do that anyway, all right?

260
00:11:44,705 --> 00:11:46,039
Here's your bag.

261
00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:48,959
Thank you again, man. Really appreciate it.

262
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,253
- You wanna say bye?
- Bye, bye, bye.

263
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,130
Yeah, here we go.

264
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,966
What should we do tonight?
You wanna watch cartoons?

265
00:11:58,885 --> 00:11:59,928
(DOOR SHUTS)

266
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,597
Okay, he seems okay to me.

267
00:12:03,265 --> 00:12:05,475
Now we can do something fun.

268
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,895
We could ride a water taxi,

269
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:11,940
or maybe go have sex at Trader Joe's.

270
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:15,485
You know, last time we saw Hannah...

271
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:19,114
I'm sorry, just one last thing
I can't get out of my head.

272
00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:20,991
Last time we saw Hannah,

273
00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:25,620
she called me "Miss" and you "Sir."

274
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,497
Didn't that upset you?

275
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:30,834
No, it didn't. I'm fuckin' fine, thanks.

276
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,670
In fact, you bringing it up all the time
is really starting to piss me off.

277
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,797
She's not in our lives anymore.

278
00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:37,799
Why can't you just fucking let it go?

279
00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:39,509
You really don't get it, do you?

280
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:42,179
No, no. I really don't.

281
00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:46,308
Hannah is my dearest friend.

282
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:49,269
She will always come first.

283
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:52,189
We may not be talking right now...

284
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:55,358
And I hope to God that that changes.

285
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:58,445
So, you saying that
she's not in our lives anymore,

286
00:12:58,528 --> 00:12:59,696
doesn't work for me.

287
00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:01,782
You know, people hate me.

288
00:13:01,865 --> 00:13:03,700
I'm a hate-able kind of person.

289
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,035
I don't know why. I can't help it.

290
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,705
Maybe it's 'cause I have
a big ass and good hair,

291
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:12,209
but I know... I know that I have principles.

292
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:16,213
And one thing I don't do
is steal people's boyfriends.

293
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,548
But you ruined that.

294
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,468
Don't you see that?

295
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:23,637
I'll never forgive you!

296
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,473
I will never forgive you for that.

297
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:31,144
We could die in the same bed,
and I will never forgive you!

298
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:52,958
(SHATTERING)

299
00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:59,130
Jessa, come back here!

300
00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:02,759
Fuck!

301
00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:06,888
- Sophie, you run that website?
- SOPHIE: Uh-huh.

302
00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:08,390
That's amazing.

303
00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:11,768
It's called Desmerise.

304
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:13,687
No, I know what it's called.
It's my favorite one.

305
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,605
I'm on that site, like, all the time.

306
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,232
Thank you.

307
00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:18,567
No, thank you.

308
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:20,735
- (CHUCKLES)
- What?

309
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,696
- It's just that, um...
- What?

310
00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,448
(LAUGHS) Um, Ever since
you were on <i>Charmed,</i>

311
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,784
I've, like...

312
00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:32,205
- Loved you.
- Oh, my God, Sophie, I love you.

313
00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:37,627
And let's um...
Let's definitely do that interview later

314
00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,588
- that we talked about?
- Okay, definitely.

315
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:41,131
- Okay, cool.
- I can't wait.

316
00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:43,884
- Hi, girls.
- Hey.

317
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:45,135
- Bye.
- Later.

318
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:46,803
Hey.

319
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:47,929
- Hey.
- Hey.

320
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:50,098
- How's it going?
- Hi, Ray.

321
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:51,224
Where's Tandice?

322
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:55,896
Yeah, she, uh... Fuck, her dad died,
so she had to take five.

323
00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:56,980
- Oh no.
- Whoa!

324
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,481
Yeah, yeah.

325
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,484
Was it a... Sudden, or...

326
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:05,822
I don't really know the details,
but it sounded pretty serious, you know?

327
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:09,826
Desi, look, I'm gonna be
joining you guys on the tour,

328
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:12,162
- um, carrying guitar cases...
- (LAUGHING)

329
00:15:12,287 --> 00:15:13,997
fetching snacks, and so on.

330
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:19,461
So, I just really hope we can figure out
a way to keep things, uh, cordial, you know?

331
00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:23,131
Maybe even enjoy
a sparkling beverage at the end of the day.

332
00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:26,343
I mean, I don't drink,
but, you know, I've never refused a juice.

333
00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:27,510
All right.

334
00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:30,096
- We're all adults here.
- Exactly.

335
00:15:30,347 --> 00:15:32,807
I don't believe a fuckin' thing
coming out of your mouth!

336
00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:35,810
Well, that's on you,
because the only time I ever lied

337
00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:38,313
is when I said I cared that you lived or died!

338
00:15:38,355 --> 00:15:40,523
I'm so fucking out of here!

339
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:42,150
No, you're not going anywhere.

340
00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:44,027
I'm not gonna let Hannah break us apart!

341
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:47,030
I'll fuckin' run her over with a car if I have to!

342
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:50,867
God fuckin'... God damn it!
Fucking "best friend"?

343
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,203
You have great taste in friends, then.

344
00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:55,705
She's a lazy, entitled,

345
00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:57,874
manipulative, myopic narcissist,

346
00:15:57,999 --> 00:16:00,377
who knows a fuck
of a lot less than she thinks she does!

347
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,712
Why do you think
I hated you for so fucking long?

348
00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:04,714
Because Hannah fucking hates you!

349
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:08,551
Welcome to having a friend,

350
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,804
something you would know nothing about,

351
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:13,223
you fucking dumb fuck, goat-faced fuck!

352
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,558
Hannah is a cunt whether she's around or not!

353
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,898
Hannah's a bitch and a cunt!

354
00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:24,651
Hannah's a fucking bitch and a cunt!

355
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:25,860
We're done with her!

356
00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:27,654
Oh yeah? Oh yeah?

357
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,072
We're done with her?

358
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:31,700
We will never be done with her, you shit!

359
00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:33,410
Fuck!

360
00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:36,538
Jesus.

361
00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:38,665
(YELLING)

362
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:39,874
(JESSA SCREAMING)

363
00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,254
No fuckin' way!

364
00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:46,214
Come out!

365
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:47,757
(BANGING)

366
00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:49,592
Open this fucking door!

367
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,012
I'm not kidding!

368
00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:02,897
You're kidding me.

369
00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:09,696
I'm sorry.

370
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,616
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

371
00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:16,536
You didn't scare me.

372
00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:19,622
It was just so over-the-top unnecessary.

373
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,459
Well, you're gonna make a great therapist
because you're fucking insane!

374
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:27,047
And you're gonna be an amazing actor
because you're a narcissist and a sociopath!

375
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,966
Hannah told me everything about you.

376
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,468
Everything!

377
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:34,804
I used to think she was being dramatic,
but now I know it was all true.

378
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,139
You're actually even worse!

379
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:37,307
Fuck you.

380
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,642
Ass fuck!

381
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:57,285
This particular line of people
is literally my worst nightmare.

382
00:17:57,327 --> 00:18:00,080
Well, you're dressed like Lance Bass, so...

383
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,840
- So, when do you go on?
- Well, I don't know if I go on.

384
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,967
You know, I put my name in,
and if they pick me, they pick me.

385
00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:14,761
And then they vote based on looks?

386
00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,347
No, Elijah, they vote
on adherence to the theme,

387
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:21,476
general storytelling ability, okay,
and charisma, et cetera.

388
00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:25,480
Okay, well, that's too bad,
because you are a Moth nine.

389
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:27,482
Why don't you guys go sit down?
Where's Dad?

390
00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:29,192
Well, he'll be here soon, I think.

391
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:31,986
Or, I don't know, maybe he won't.

392
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:33,947
I'll go get us a seat.

393
00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:37,951
Hannah, how are you ever
going to get to the front of this line?

394
00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,161
The only time you shove
is to get free samples at Whole Foods.

395
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,038
- I don't shove at Whole Foods.
- I'll do it.

396
00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:44,707
Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi, excuse me.

397
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,543
Excuse me, ma'am. Sorry, sir.

398
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,336
Excuse me. I'm sorry. Excuse me real quick.

399
00:18:48,378 --> 00:18:50,547
I lost my place earlier.

400
00:18:50,672 --> 00:18:52,382
Excuse me, sir. Jeez.

401
00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:00,640
I put your name in twice.

402
00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:04,894
Hi.

403
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:06,729
Hello.

404
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,731
You waiting to sign up, or...

405
00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:12,026
Yeah, should I pull a you
and put my name in twice?

406
00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:14,320
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, um, listen.

407
00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:17,240
I'm not gonna tell nobody,
but that was uncool.

408
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:18,825
I hear you. I didn't think it was cool.

409
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:21,244
There are actually people in there
trying to live their dream.

410
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:24,539
I know. There's no part of me
that is defending that action.

411
00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:27,542
I have a podcast. I care.

412
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:29,669
I get it.

413
00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:31,713
<i>Hello, everybody, welcome to The Moth.</i>

414
00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:33,548
(APPLAUDING)

415
00:19:36,926 --> 00:19:41,514
<i>I'm Ophira Eisenberg
and tonight's theme is jealousy,</i>

416
00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:45,351
<i>which should be a perfect way
for you to frame your sex stories.</i>

417
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:46,936
(LAUGHING)

418
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:49,564
<i>So, we'll be choosing
our storytellers at random.</i>

419
00:19:49,606 --> 00:19:53,234
<i>They will come up here
and tell a true story from their life.</i>

420
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,570
<i>All right, everybody, let's get things started.</i>

421
00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:57,447
(APPLAUDING)

422
00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:06,289
<i>Our first storyteller of the evening
is Leslie Johnstone.</i>

423
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,253
<i>I hate Doug.</i>

424
00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,380
<i>I hooked up with him two nights earlier.</i>

425
00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:19,302
<i>But who I really hate is this Australian woman
who he hooked up with one night earlier.</i>

426
00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:21,804
<i>I don't remember her name,
so let's just call her Cunty.</i>

427
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:23,932
(LAUGHING)

428
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,727
<i>I'm lying in my bed at night,</i>

429
00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:32,232
<i>and what I'm subconsciously wishing for
is some sort of a transformation.</i>

430
00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:35,151
<i>So, in high school, she was such a knockout</i>

431
00:20:35,235 --> 00:20:39,656
<i>that the boys nicknamed her
Boom Boom Shauna.</i>

432
00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:43,117
MAN: <i>When I was in college,
instead of asking a girl out,</i>

433
00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:45,828
<i>I would ask her
if I could ask her out sometime.</i>

434
00:20:45,954 --> 00:20:48,623
<i>In reality,
what's really going through your mind is,</i>

435
00:20:48,665 --> 00:20:51,167
<i>"I'm going to buy a house today."</i>

436
00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:52,835
(LAUGHING)

437
00:20:54,545 --> 00:20:56,005
(APPLAUDING)

438
00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:58,800
<i>Our next storyteller is...</i>

439
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,178
<i>Hannah Horvath.</i>

440
00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:05,306
(APPLAUDING)

441
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:08,184
Wait, wait, you can't bring those up.

442
00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:09,894
- But they're my prompts.
- What, are you an idiot?

443
00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:12,230
No, you'll get disqualified. No notes.

444
00:21:12,355 --> 00:21:13,523
Okay.

445
00:21:13,648 --> 00:21:14,983
Thank you.

446
00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:16,359
I'm sorry.

447
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,534
- Here you go.
- Thanks.

448
00:21:28,162 --> 00:21:31,916
<i>It's actually Horvath, but having your
Polish last name properly pronounced is,</i>

449
00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:34,210
<i>you know, kind of low on the list of priorities.</i>

450
00:21:34,252 --> 00:21:36,587
<i>There's police brutality
to worry about and stuff.</i>

451
00:21:36,838 --> 00:21:37,880
(LAUGHING)

452
00:21:38,381 --> 00:21:39,549
<i>So, um...</i>

453
00:21:41,384 --> 00:21:45,054
<i>What follows is a classic tale of jealousy,</i>

454
00:21:45,096 --> 00:21:47,849
<i>and beating it back
like the medieval dragon that it is.</i>

455
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:51,394
<i>In this story,
I am Viggo Mortensen in</i> Lord of the Rings,

456
00:21:51,436 --> 00:21:54,689
<i>and jealousy is powerless against my sword.</i>

457
00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:57,900
<i>And this begins the way
all stories of jealousy do,</i>

458
00:21:58,026 --> 00:21:59,235
<i>all great stories of jealousy,</i>

459
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,530
<i>which is with my ex-boyfriend
and my best friend fucking.</i>

460
00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:03,614
(LAUGHING)

461
00:22:03,781 --> 00:22:06,034
<i>And this is not just any best friend.</i>

462
00:22:06,075 --> 00:22:08,411
<i>This is a best friend
who I would say looks like</i>

463
00:22:08,536 --> 00:22:11,414
<i>Brigitte Bardot had a baby with a mermaid.</i>

464
00:22:11,748 --> 00:22:13,124
(LAUGHING)

465
00:22:13,583 --> 00:22:17,378
<i>She literally had
an open fungal sore on her face,</i>

466
00:22:17,420 --> 00:22:19,630
<i>and Matthew Perry still asked her out.</i>

467
00:22:19,797 --> 00:22:21,215
(LAUGHING)

468
00:22:21,632 --> 00:22:24,761
<i>So, I guess I'm not
what you would describe as, like, a chill girl.</i>

469
00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:26,471
<i>I'm not, like, a cool, relaxed lady.</i>

470
00:22:26,596 --> 00:22:27,722
<i>Like, you would never meet me and be like,</i>

471
00:22:27,805 --> 00:22:30,600
<i>"That Hannah, she really goes with the flow
like a funky youth."</i>

472
00:22:30,725 --> 00:22:33,728
<i>You would be like, "Has she snorted
Adderall in the last 60 minutes?"</i>

473
00:22:33,770 --> 00:22:39,734
<i>So, when I found out
about my ex-boyfriend and my best friend,</i>

474
00:22:39,817 --> 00:22:43,488
<i>um, I was weirdly calm, considering that fact.</i>

475
00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:45,448
<i>Frozen, even, you know?</i>

476
00:22:45,573 --> 00:22:50,828
<i>I tried to imagine all these horrible things,
like him licking her elephant tramp stamp,</i>

477
00:22:50,953 --> 00:22:54,123
<i>and sucking her tiny tit
while she cupped his balls,</i>

478
00:22:54,248 --> 00:22:55,500
<i>and then he sucked on her lip,</i>

479
00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:57,585
<i>which is shaped like a rosebud.</i>

480
00:22:57,627 --> 00:22:59,128
<i>And I tried to get myself really worked up,</i>

481
00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:01,964
<i>and just imagine
all this horrible stuff on a loop,</i>

482
00:23:02,006 --> 00:23:05,968
<i>but the fact is is that I wasn't angry,</i>

483
00:23:06,094 --> 00:23:07,637
<i>I was sad.</i>

484
00:23:07,762 --> 00:23:11,641
<i>I was sad about
what I thought they knew I was.</i>

485
00:23:11,682 --> 00:23:14,644
<i>I thought they were sitting there going like,
"Oh, God, Hannah's freaking out.</i>

486
00:23:14,685 --> 00:23:16,646
<i>"She's gonna kill a cat
and she's gonna nail it to our door.</i>

487
00:23:16,771 --> 00:23:20,983
<i>"She's going to cry so hard
that all of Greenpoint fills with tears,</i>

488
00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:23,361
<i>"and it's like fuckin'</i> Waterworld."

489
00:23:23,486 --> 00:23:25,613
<i>And you know what? They weren't wrong.</i>

490
00:23:25,655 --> 00:23:29,492
<i>I had to fight really, really hard
not to be that girl.</i>

491
00:23:29,534 --> 00:23:30,660
<i>And it wasn't easy.</i>

492
00:23:30,785 --> 00:23:33,454
<i>I thought about
throwing a bike through his window,</i>

493
00:23:33,496 --> 00:23:36,666
<i>but, A, he lives on the third floor,
and I have very poor upper body strength,</i>

494
00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:38,668
<i>and, B, he probably would have
appreciated it and been like,</i>

495
00:23:38,709 --> 00:23:40,002
<i>"Thanks for the bike."</i>

496
00:23:40,294 --> 00:23:41,337
(LAUGHING)

497
00:23:42,130 --> 00:23:43,673
<i>I thought about sending her a text that said,</i>

498
00:23:43,714 --> 00:23:47,885
<i>"How does the wind feel
caressing your two faces, young lady?"</i>

499
00:23:48,010 --> 00:23:49,053
(LAUGHING)

500
00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:52,849
<i>But instead I sat, and cried, and thought,</i>

501
00:23:52,890 --> 00:23:56,352
<i>and ate, and wrote,
and masturbated thinking about Chris Farley,</i>

502
00:23:56,394 --> 00:23:59,147
<i>which is a thing from my childhood
that I haven't fully worked through yet.</i>

503
00:23:59,188 --> 00:24:00,565
(LAUGHING)

504
00:24:01,023 --> 00:24:02,984
<i>When I heard tonight's theme was jealousy,</i>

505
00:24:03,025 --> 00:24:06,696
<i>I knew that I needed
an end to my story, a real end,</i>

506
00:24:06,737 --> 00:24:09,490
<i>and that end came
about 20 minutes before I arrived here,</i>

507
00:24:09,532 --> 00:24:14,579
<i>when I delivered a very nice and not at all
cheap fruit basket to his door,</i>

508
00:24:14,704 --> 00:24:17,498
<i>along with a note that said, "Good luck.</i>

509
00:24:17,540 --> 00:24:19,375
<i>"I mean it sincerely.</i>

510
00:24:19,417 --> 00:24:21,711
<i>"In perpetuity, Hannah."</i>

511
00:24:23,045 --> 00:24:25,673
<i>'Cause that's the fact, you know?</i>

512
00:24:25,715 --> 00:24:28,050
<i>I'm Hannah, forever.</i>

513
00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:31,053
<i>No matter what I do, no matter...
Whether I, you know,</i>

514
00:24:31,095 --> 00:24:34,432
<i>start a new nuclear missile crisis
with my emotions,</i>

515
00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:36,726
<i>or just sit back and chill,</i>

516
00:24:36,851 --> 00:24:38,895
<i>and give someone a fruit basket.</i>

517
00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:42,565
<i>I can only control the mayhem
that I create around me.</i>

518
00:24:42,607 --> 00:24:46,527
<i>But the crazy thing is
that when I showed up, I heard screaming,</i>

519
00:24:46,569 --> 00:24:50,573
<i>and I heard my name, and I heard madness,</i>

520
00:24:50,615 --> 00:24:53,409
<i>and I knew that I was free,</i>

521
00:24:53,451 --> 00:24:56,245
<i>at least for tonight.</i>

522
00:24:56,287 --> 00:24:58,080
<i>That's all. Thank you.</i>

523
00:25:01,083 --> 00:25:02,543
(APPLAUDING)

524
00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:11,135
Ten.

525
00:25:43,251 --> 00:25:44,669
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

526
00:25:44,835 --> 00:25:46,128
Desi?

527
00:25:46,254 --> 00:25:47,672
It's Marnie. I need to get in there.

528
00:25:47,797 --> 00:25:51,300
I need my in-ear monitors,
I need my open-toed shoes. Come on.

529
00:25:51,509 --> 00:25:53,135
- I really love your website.
- Mmm.

530
00:25:53,344 --> 00:25:54,428
- (KNOCKING)
- Desi?

531
00:25:54,470 --> 00:25:55,638
Yeah.

532
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,765
- (POUNDING)
- RAY: Desi, come on, man. Open the door.

533
00:25:57,807 --> 00:25:58,849
- Whoa.
- (POUNDING)

534
00:25:59,016 --> 00:26:00,643
Open the door!

535
00:26:02,103 --> 00:26:04,647
She needs her fucking open-toed shoes!

536
00:26:23,207 --> 00:26:26,794
I am gonna die having done nothing.

537
00:26:26,836 --> 00:26:29,797
I don't have a lot of time
left in the scheme of things.

538
00:26:30,172 --> 00:26:32,550
Well, I'm gonna die having done nothing,

539
00:26:32,675 --> 00:26:35,303
and I have a ton of time
left in the scheme of things.

540
00:26:35,678 --> 00:26:38,639
I'm gonna live, like, 80 more years.

541
00:26:38,681 --> 00:26:40,182
- It's horrible!
- (LAUGHING)

542
00:26:40,349 --> 00:26:41,851
(BOTH LAUGHING)

543
00:26:44,979 --> 00:26:48,024
I'm like three beers away
from trying to fuck you.

544
00:26:48,232 --> 00:26:49,817
Apparently, you're my type.

545
00:26:50,067 --> 00:26:51,694
(BOTH LAUGHING)