- He's a huge, awesome robot.
All he'd have to do is yank on the warp engine nacelles.
- Okay, that's like saying a dude could fight a boat!
- Guys, just...
Can't we do this in a girl-free zone?
- So, how was your date last night?
- Ah! Amazing. Kurt is so McYummy.
We went out for dinner, and then we went
to go see Super Dead IV. It was... perfect.
- Do you mean regular date perfect,
or vampire date perfect? - You know I don't bite and tell.
- He's a robot in disguise!
He'd just show up as a harmless truck.
- In space?! [Rory sighing]
- Hey Coach. - What are you doing Coach?
- Say goodbye, boys.
Time to put this old relic into storage. - But,
isn't that, like, the only trophy this school has ever won?
- Yes, but it, uh,
it sends the wrong message, you know?
Winning isn't everything. Yeah, sure,
our teams come last in points, but,
oh, boy, we come first in so many other important areas.
- Yeah, like... point... avoiding?
- That is one sad trophy case.
- Here, can you hold that for a second? - Yeah, sure.
- Oh! Nerd alert!
Get a haircut, Bevo. - What'd you do that for?
- Wait, you can see me, mop top?
- Yeah. I... I guess. Who are you?
- Uh, well, I am a winner, kid.
That's probably why you don't recognize me.
I was the best coach this school ever had,
right before it was overrun by nerds, like you nerds.
- Who are you calling nerds?
- Why don't you transform and roll out, dumblebee?
- Y... you're a warp ten butthead!
- Okay, point taken. So... what do you want?
- First I'd like to thank you for letting me out of that there trophy. Feels great
to be free after 30 years! Now I can finally do things like this.
- Ah!
[Laughing]
- Space theme, huh? I would have guessed Spiderman.
- She's the girl next door
Nice but not in a heart that's pure
She's the girl next door
Just for me
What you get is what you see
No more "Maybe it's Maybelline"
She can give you everything you need
She's the girl next door
Nice but not in a heart that's pure
She's the girl next door
Just for me
- Ah. Here he is. Coach Ed.
Says he was the gym teacher 30 years ago.
- He's ancient.
- Is he here right now?
- Well...
- Nice sandwich, halter-top.
- I'll... take that as a yes.
Jerk!
- Yep.
There must be some way to stop him or get him to move on.
- Fat chance. I ain't going anywhere.
- He jammed you in good!
I may have to dislocate one of your shoulders
to get you out. Is that okay? - No!
[Ethan groaning]
- Come on, Benny. Aren't there any spells to get rid of ghosts?
- Nice try. My curse is ten times stronger
than any little weenie magic show. You may as well just give up now.
- What is your deal?
Is this all about that dumb trophy?
- [Echoing voice]: That trophy is not dumb!
That trophy represents this school's finest hour!
This school's only fine hour! - Okay, fine!
If I get it back in the case, will you leave me alone?
- The only way I'm moving on
is if you bring me a shiny new trophy.
- Ha! Me?
Win a trophy? For sports?
No way. Not in a million years.
- A million years? Pssh! I can do that.
Bang.
[Laughing]
Some things just never get old.
- Congrats on keeping your pants on.
- Yeah. About that...
I have this ghost gym coach after me.
He lives to humiliate nerds.
- Oh, no. Nerds being humiliated?
In school? Oh, my goodness.
- Didn't you hear me? This is a ghost--an evil spirit.
- I heard, but it's a ghost. I can't punch, kick, or bite it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm busy.
- Oh, okay, well, I just thought--
- [Ed]: That girl's way out of your league.
Now him, on the other hand, that's more her speed.
- [Ethan]: I can't believe it.
Besides that, I mean.
[Whistling] - Kurt "The Hurt" Lochner.
Conway Collegiate's three-time city wrestling champ.
- See, now that guy is a guy's guy.
If I was coaching you, I'd turn you into him.
Or at least into, uh, less of you.
- Forget it, okay? I can't help you.
[Typing]
- So tell me something.
What exactly is this inner tube, uh, web, uh, net?
It's a bunch of tubes, right?
- It's a global network of computers and data servers.
It can take you anywhere in the world to find any information you want.
- Mmm. We had something like that back in my day.
We called it "shoes".
They'd take you places to speak to people face to face.
But enough of this. You wanna win me a trophy or not?
- Hey, Benny. Any luck?
- Oh, yeah. Here, take this.
We are gonna get the first ever ghost-splosion captured on camera.
Where is he?
- Uh, he's right there.
- Galga deselphador... zek recantor...
- Cut it out, Sugar McVersey. I'm warning you.
- ...zoolin maphrak!
[Ed growling]
- So you wanna play hardball, huh, boy?
- No! Just stop!
- That is so not cool, ghost dude!
- These are mint in-box!
- I'm sorry, man. I really thought it would work.
Maybe you should just give this psycho what he wants.
- Haircut here makes a lot of sense.
- No. Forget it. It's not gonna happen.
- Uh, bye, ghost guy.
Nothing personal about the whole gala deselphador thing, right?
- Be seeing you.
[Door closing] [Sighing]
- So, honey, how was school?
- Uh, learning, books, you know. Lunch...
- [Ed]: Here we go. Oh, oh, my bad.
- This chicken's just... too good to eat.
- Just... just relax.
Relax. It's all... it's all part of puberty.
- Don't even think about it! Let go!
- [Mom]: Oh!
- [Ethan]: Sorry...
- Ah! Ugh...
- Nice. If only your school had a face-plant team, you'd be a trophy magnet.
By the way, your nerd box has been beeping for the last six minutes.
- It's an email from Sarah.
"Are you free Saturday night? Keep it open."
What's that about?
- What do you mean, what's that about? That's a date, boy!
Makes no sense to me either, but it says it right there on the inner tube web net.
- Date? Really?
- Yep, that's a date. Just you and her.
And me.
- You stay away from Sarah!
And... quit bugging me!
I've been teased by jocks since grade one,
so I don't care how many wedgies or chicken legs you use.
If you're such a famous coach, you should be able to tell when you're gonna lose.
- [Echoing voice]: Lose? Me?
Never.
I play to win.
[Normal voice]: One of the winning techniques I utilize is that of visualization.
Let us visualize your future, shall we?
It's ten years later, shortcake, and guess what?
You're still living at home. How impressive is that?
Let me tell you: not very. But, hey,
at least you got a job. Check out your new uniform.
- I work at McFingers?
- Hey, who else is gonna hire you after you got kicked out
of college for filling your prof's convertible with doggy doo? Of course,
you didn't do that. I did, but, heh, it really doesn't matter now, does it?
- Make sure you clean the grease trap tomorrow, son.
- [Future Ethan]: Get off my back, old man!
- Dad works at McFingers too? - [Ed]: Yep.
Ever since he got fired for insurance fraud.
I accidentally set your house on fire.
- What?! - Yeah.
- Mom too?
- Dinner's here. I got your favourite.
[Coughing]
Sausage fingers. And for dessert...
...iced cream fingers!
Let's roll out!
[Coughing] [Snoring]
- You put Benny in a wheelchair?!
- Me? No, no, he's the one who bought that turbo unicycle.
All I did was cut the brake line.
You're seeing it now, ain't ya?
You're gonna ruin your life,
and theirs.
- No! I don't believe it. It's a lie!
- [Sarah]: Hey. We're...
...off on a romantic wrestling tour of France.
Could you ask Ethan to mansion-sit for us again?
- [Ethan's dad]: Yeah.
- Come on, baby. Let's go.
- Sarah...
...marries Kurt?
- And his abs.
- Okay, you win. I'll win your stupid trophy!
For wrestling.
I'm gonna beat Kurt "The Hurt" Lochner. - Whoa, kid.
I'm just trying to put you on a podium, not in a coffin.
But I like your gusto.
Tonight, you rest.
Tomorrow, we wrestle!
- Hey, Mr. G? Could I be on the wrestling team?
- Oh, sure you can. I mean, if you believe you can.
Here, why don't you go ahead and fill that out right there.
- So, uh, this means I can wrestle Kurt "The Hurt" Lochner, right?
- Oh, I'm afraid so.
Uh, if you could just make sure to fill out
the emergency contact and the blood type part of the form there.
Yeah. - Blood type...
- [Erica]: What...
...do you think you're doing?
- Uh... I was... just--
- I know. You were spying on him.
You think I turned him, don't you?
Trust issues, much?
Some friend! - I was just--
- Meh! - Erica!
[Sighing]
- Hey.
Ooh! Very nice. - Thank you.
- [Benny]: I kept watching, and there they were-- talking,
laughing, very, very close. Intimate, even.
In fact, one might even say they were... knoodling.
- I can barely tell what I'm looking at.
You're a pretty crummy artist. - What?
Videos won't work with vampires, so I did my best.
- Ugh! That's it.
I'm gonna teach that pretty boy a lesson.
I'll be a wrestling... machine!
The Wrestle Max Mark Five!
[Grunting]
Ugh! [Panting]
- Oh, what, you just gonna let gravity own you like that?
Keep pushing, boy!
[Sighing] - Go away.
Oh! Ah!
- In the spirit of non-competition,
I pledge to be a non-partisan referee for tonight's match,
so, uh... well, may every man win, or, uh...
...at least survive.
Representing Conway Collegiate, we have Kurt "The Hurt" Lochner.
[Applause and cheering]
- Yeah! Conway! Woo! - Okay, all right,
and representing White Chapel High, we--
- Wait.
From a land of fear and nightmares
comes a warrior born to destroy.
He speaks only violence. He knows only hatred.
His headlock is a crime against humanity!
Behold...
...the Ethanatorrrrr!!
[Booing]
- Okay, guys, if we can get you to...
...to shake hands here, that'd be nice.
[Crunching]
- Do your catchphrase! Do it!
- Prepare to be Ethanized!
- You're not gonna like these apples.
[Cheering]
- Even his catchphrase is better!
- Here's my pep talk, sunshine: win that trophy.
Or else!
[Whistle blown]
- All right, Kurt, get ready to--
- Woo!
- Ah... This won't end well.
- Let's go, baby! Woo! Woo! - [Benny]: I hope not.
- Say cheese!
[Ethan groaning] - There's your friend.
See you in round two, dork.
[Ethan groaning]
- Take a seat, dude.
- You survived a whole round
without him breaking your spine in half. Nice!
- Sorry, dude, but for a guy in agony, you make some hilarious faces.
- Ethan, are you insane?! You don't know what you're up against.
This guy is unstoppable. - I guess that's why you like him.
- What? I don't like him.
- Come on. I saw you watching him, talking,
laughing, knoodling. - Mad knoodling.
- Noodle what?
Look, I thought Erica turned him
into a vampire, so I was watching him.
I even checked his neck for bit marks--
which was hard since he's so ticklish--
but I do not like him.
- You can't win by points anymore.
You're gonna have to pin him to win. - I have to pin him? Impossible.
- How about some magic?
Let's see how well he wrestles with worms in his ears, huh?
- No magic. You got to beat him fair and square or the deal's off.
- No magic. We can't cheat.
- Then think of something.
Everybody has a weakness, right? Just find it and exploit it.
- [Ethan]: Ah!
- Maybe you need a little heart.
[Groaning weakly]
- Just please stop. Leave me alone.
- Looks like he's practicing new ways to beg for mercy. Smart!
- It's no use. I can't win.
I've never won a fight. Ever.
- False. Remember that time in grade two when I took
your Pokemon lunchbox? You whipped me good. I almost cried.
- Grade two...
That gives me an idea.
Thanks, Benny.
[Whistle blown]
- Come on! Come on!
Let go of me. Dude, are you...
...are you hugging me?
- I'm wrestling old school.
Oakwood Elementary, to be exact.
- The snuggy bear hug! He's got it locked on. There's no escape!
- Hugging is not cool. Let go!
- Fine. Time to go for the jugular.
[Grunting]
And somebody told me you were ticklish.
[Kurt laughing] - [Kurt]: Stop! Stop!
Stop! I really can't break your hugs.
[Laughing] [Whistle blown]
- He who laughs last, loses!
- Our new... champion!
[Cheering]
- I did it...
I did it! It's curtain for Kurt "The Hurt" Lochner!
- Well done, Ethan.
But remember, it's not about winning, right?
- Woo! Yeah!
- Curtain for Kurt "The Hurt"! - Total bro!
- That's it?! No, no, no. You got to be kidding.
- Oh, yeah.
I won the trophy. Time to move on, Coach.
A deal's a deal.
- Bear hugs? Tickling? Come on!
You took this for a joke, spice cake,
so you can forget it. The deal's off!
I'm gonna be on you until the end of time.
- He's backing out of our deal. - What?
He can't. A supernatural pact is binding in all dimensions!
- Tough tortillas! I ain't goin' anywhere.
And you nerds can't make me.
Oh, crud...
But maybe those nerds can.
- [Ethan]: What? What is it?
- I've crossed a lot of nerd souls in my day.
And I suppose those souls had to go somewhere.
Well, behold.
The Locker of the Damned.
[Ed groaning] But I just had that pudding bath!
[Yelling]
- [Kurt]: Hey, you know what?
I will not be beaten by a geek! [Grunting]
- Update:
you got beaten by a geek AND a girl.
Go get yourself a new shirt.
- Thanks, but... I could have taken him.
So, uh... about Saturday night...
- Oh, that. I thought if Kurt was a vampire,
I'd need backup to take him down, but we're all good now.
- Right. Yeah. Good.
Good... I thought it was something like that.
- But... if we're not catching vampires, maybe...
...we could go catch a movie?
- Yeah, cool. Should have the feeling back in my fingertips by then.
[Chopping]
[Screaming] [Chopping]
You gotta admit, watching Skull Stealers III
beats having to shake and stake a vamp any day.
- Just slightly.
[Cell phone ring tone]
Oh, hey, hold on a sec.
Hey, Erica. Thanks for calling back.
I'm really sorry for not trusting you earlier.
I feel awful. - All is forgiven.
Best friends forever, remember?
Now, I hate to dial and dash, but date number two is currently in progress.
Lates.
- Now, what's that, uh,
surprise you wanted to show me, huh?