FASCINATION
MEGUMI
What are you looking at?
I'm Megumi, your tour guide for today.
Let me guide you through the wonderful world of rakugo.
Look over here, please.
Once the curtain-raisers finish their performances,
they attend to their master
and share stories with him.
That's part of their job, too.
Did you get a cell phone?
I did.
So I want to send Sayuri-chan... What do you call it?
E-mail?
I want to send her an e-mail.
Let me do it.
Really? Thanks.
"Sayuri, thanks for everything."
- What's her address? - Asakusa, Taito-ku...
- Master did it again! - You're so funny!
What's so funny?
- So what's the address? - Asakusa...
Only a few rakugo performers make a living out of it.
Those who don't
work second jobs.
Bastard! I'll make you pay for this!
Pay up, or we'll throw you into Buckingham Palace!
When one stops performing because of a setback, it's called retiring.
Ex-ugly cow!
If you fold it like this, you can't see the Tiger and Urahara Dragon!
Some of them end up choosing
a career that doesn't suit them at all.
Don't change it back!
There are all sorts of difficulties.
Still, if you'd like to see a live rakugo performance,
come to the rakugo theater.
There are also
musicals, magic shows, and stand-up comedy.
I told you not to smoke while you walk!
Shut up, idiot, or I'll beat you up!
Right. Let's get back on track and begin!
Tiger and Dragon!
UMAYA KAJI EPISODE
Stop gawking, idiot, or I'll beat you up!
Oh, it's Maruo!
When did you get out?
End of last year.
We should have come to see you sooner.
I'm glad you're well.
How's work going?
He decided to reform himself and start anew in Tokyo.
He did?
I'll have Tora drive you back.
Oh, and take this.
Please don't!
- Congratulations on your new beginning. - It's really okay.
- Just take it! - How could you? Well, thank you so much.
If he asks you to stop at a liquor store, ignore him.
He was in jail for assault after getting intoxicated.
How much did he give us?
70,000 yen.
Awkward number.
Should have been 50,000 or 100,000.
Maybe Ryuseikai is doomed.
Stop by the convenience store.
No, Maruo!
ALCOHOL
You deaf?
I said the convenience store.
I'll stop at the next one.
What's this?
Rakugo.
I'm into it these days.
Ever been to a rakugo theater?
It's perfect for short-tempered people like you.
You can laugh away your stress there.
Really?
Maybe we should try.
Whatever.
TODAY'S LEAD ACTORS
KAMIGATA MARIMO AND MARUO
Hello! We're the Dreams Come True of Naniwa.
This is Marimo and Maruo!
- The pretty one is Marimo. - The dirty one is Maruo.
Don't you care about saving your husband's face?
What the heck are they doing?
It's manzai!
They're Kamigata Marimo and Maruo from Osaka.
I didn't know they were a manzai duo.
But what is manzai?
I realized I had to work harder.
- Don't try too hard, honey. - Why not?
If you were to die...
If I were to die?
I'd get insurance money!
How creepy.
Save your husband's face!
As you can see, we're a manzai duo who are also married.
But the truth is,
the marriage is a sham!
For years,
we've been sexless!
- Now... - We've dried up down here!
Why don't we do it?
We both see other people!
But I do hope he works harder...
Hold it, idiot!
It's time for the next story!
I can't let this one go!
Who's the guy you're seeing?
Someone you know well!
Well, that's okay.
But I hope he works harder...
Wait. It is not okay!
What? We're performing!
I don't care! Tell me when it happened!
When you beat up someone
and got thrown in jail.
- While I was in the slammer? - No! After you came out!
Well, that's okay.
Let me sing you a song!
Soft rain falling on Midosuji...
Of course it's not okay!
Listen to me first!
Before you talk, will you stop knocking me around?
There's even a plainclothes cop here today!
Really? Where? Is it Yamanaka?
Soft rain falling on Midosuji...
It's not the time to sing!
Listen to what I have to say!
Listen to me patiently today!
I can't let this one slip!
Did you have an affair or not?
- I didn't! - That's a lie!
- No, it's not! - It's a lie!
- It's true! - It's a lie!
- Actually, it's a lie! - Then it's okay... No!
You!
Ow!
Give me a break.
We've been an item for 20 years,
and you can't even trust your partner, jerk?
I've never been beaten up like this.
I'm sorry, my wife! Please forgive me!
Forgive me!
When I lie...
When she lies...
It shows on my face!
It shows too much!
Marimo and Maruo, what a funny couple!
Thank you very much!
Sorry
for making you come along.
No problem! It all depends on what I think.
Getting beautiful nails and going on a date.
It's a two-bird-one-stone day.
It's strange.
What do you mean?
We've known each other for half a year.
- You haven't even held my hand. - I...
You sound like the song "Akai Sweet Pea."
Bad boys are more attractive.
Now you sound like "Nagisa no Haikara Ningyo."
Sometimes I'd like you to take me somewhere you want to go.
Then... How about my place?
Just kidding! What am I saying?
Where do you live, Ryuji?
In Aoyama, actually.
That's cool!
I've been looking for a place in Aoyama myself.
But the rent's so expensive.
Not if we split it.
You can be pretty brazen at times, you know?
- Let's go! - Where?
Your place, where else?
Seriously?
Hey!
Why can't you wait till I get home...
Thank you for the ride earlier.
- Master. - What?
Not you. These two.
May I shake your hand?
You guys were hilarious! It was impressive!
I've never seen manzai before, and it was awesome.
The force, the speed...
If I had seen manzai,
I might have become your pupil!
Who writes your skit?
No one.
That's just a lovers' quarrel!
They've done it for 20 years!
Shut your trap, broccoli!
I'll beat you!
Forgive me!
What are you doing here anyway?
Kotora, Sayuri-chan and I were
their marriage officiants.
- Marimo used to be my kouta student. - I see.
The first time he got arrested,
I asked your boss to pay for his bail.
The first time?
He was arrested three times.
- Right, Maruo? - Shut up.
He's really strong! He used to be a boxer.
I see, professional entertainers like you and my master
all have messed-up private lives.
He included you, master!
You're too serious. You lack a certain flair.
You gotta have an affair
to make your comic act sexier!
Don't give him crazy advices! He might do it.
It's true.
- I nearly called an escort service! - Idiot!
Maruo, you better be good to Marimo!
- Don't worry. He's a reformed man. - Did you really quit?
Yes.
Not a drop for a year and a half.
What?
- Kotora! - Be considerate!
Your place rocks!
Sorry. That is the Swedish embassy.
It's rather cute!
I didn't expect this traditional style!
Wow! You have a whole house to yourself?
Where is it?
Take your shoes off here.
Here?
How much is the rent?
65,000 yen.
It's high, but it's Aoyama, after all.
- You don't have a bath. - Of course, it's Aoyama.
I smell something complicated... Like curry.
Still, it's Aoyama!
I feel you're trying to distance yourself from me.
No, I'm not! It's just more ordinary than I expected.
Wait, that's not my property.
Welcome to Yanaka Ryuji's castle!
Won't you join me?
Megumi! Why are you here? What is it?
Awesome! Megumi-chan is in my room!
Want some sparkling wine?
Do you live together?
No!
I rent the space from him! 7,000 yen a month!
So, this is mine.
Do you want to see my new designs?
- You ate my pudding again! - I didn't!
I don't mind you licking up the powdered cream,
but put it back when you're done!
The 65 yen I left here is gone!
- Where is it? - I don't know! Maybe it was Ryu-san.
It wasn't me! It was Ryuji!
Ryu-san won't do that! He's not like Ryuji!
Ryu-san is an honest man!
Right?
He sends money to his family in China. Next time, I'll call the cops!
Huh?
Wait, Megumi-chan! You just got here!
Oh, you don't like sparkling wine.
- I'm sorry. - Let go!
Megumi-chan...
I'm sorry, Ryuji.
I think it's wonderful that you pursue your dreams
and insist on your unique style.
But...
I don't like being poor!
I just can't stand it!
So that's why he's
like a mummified monk now.
I haven't heard him speak for four days.
I can't even talk to him about work.
Ryuji! Cheer up!
I have work for you.
Come in!
It's Maruo.
He talked!
Hi, Ryuji.
- You know each other? - Since I was a kid.
Good to know.
Can you whip up a costume for him?
I've recently been working as their manager.
Will you let them perform at your event?
I don't like Kansai-style comedy, especially the ones
that involve violence.
They're going to be a big hit! Please!
You're a rakugo performer. Why are you working for them?
They're hilarious.
Hilarious stuff like that should be enjoyed by everyone.
It should be shared outside the theater.
Master's rakugo made me want to quit being a yakuza.
I still haven't, but still...
I thought others might enjoy what I enjoyed.
Okay.
I'm not busy anyway. When is it?
Next Friday, so you have like ten days.
That's a tight deadline! I'll make a design today.
I warn you, don't put lame-ass dragons or zippers on it.
It's not lame.
It's a Urahara Dragon!
Just make something awesome.
If it's lame,
I'll beat you up.
- I'm leaving. - How much is this?
- Let's get to work! - Hey, boss!
Watch the store!
How about this?
I got some great sweet potato shochu!
Just kidding. It's not for you.
You have a gig.
Just in the evening.
So what made you want to do manzai?
- I don't know. It's not like I wanted to. - You must've had a reason.
What about your parents? Are you from Osaka?
I'm from Himeji in Hyogo.
No parents.
They're both dead.
My dad ran away from debt collectors.
My mom worked at bars to make money to raise me.
I'm going to come back late. Buy something warm to eat.
Forgive me!
I took up boxing to give her a better life.
Mom! They scheduled my debut match!
Ten days after she passed away,
Dad drove his car into the sea.
The rest is obvious.
I finished middle school
and began working in cabarets and strip clubs.
When I was 18, I met Marimo, my partner.
We went over to Osaka and started to do manzai.
Ever since my parents died, I've been laughing non-stop.
All that mattered in my life was laughter and making others laugh.
What? You sick?
- I'm crying. - Why? It's my story.
Our lives are the same, and then it becomes the total opposite!
Maybe it's the cultural difference between Kanto and Kansai.
Now I like you even more. I'll work my ass off to get you more gigs!
Here! Have a drink!
It's hot soba broth.
Todays storey is "Umaya Kaji." com to th theatr as soonas...
He should've spell-checked!
Is it Don-chan?
I don't know what's going on, but I've got to go.
Ta-chan! Watch him and make sure he doesn't drink!
Don't worry about him!
HAYASHIYATE DONBEI
Thank you all for coming today.
They say even a dog would ignore a couple's fight.
Oh! It's "Umaya Kaji" today.
These days, you often hear the acronym, DV.
It stands for domestic violence. Hearing it makes me feel like
I've been punched a couple of times.
Fortunately,
since I adore my wife very much,
I don't have to worry about it.
However, I do have a certain pupil
who can be quite violent.
I always worry that he might slug me.
So in my household, it's not DV but PV... Pupil Violence.
Hey, he's talking about me.
"Osaki, did you quarrel with your husband again?"
"Yes.
My teacher has another pupil.
Her name is Omitsu.
Omitsu.
She hurt her finger the other day.
You know, sir,
a hairdresser can't do anything with a finger injury.
We pupils are supposed to help each other out,
so I filled in for her."
It's you, Marimo!
What's the matter?
You look like you're going to faint!
Why are you here?
My annual physical.
Once you're my age, the upkeep costs way too much.
Same here.
"And once I got home, my husband asked,
'Where have you been, you lazy-ass woman?'
I got angry, so I shouted back.
'Without me, you couldn't play and drink all day!'
And being the man that he is, he yelled back.
'Who do you think you are? You flat-faced bitch!'
I yelled back too. 'Shut up! Hideous jerk!'
Then he retorted, 'What, you monster?'"
You're always by his side.
That's not healthy for a relationship.
Getting pushed around is okay, because it's part of the job.
But every single hour of the day,
he says he'll beat me up. That's what I can't take!
"You should just leave him!
Although I was your marriage officiant, I never liked your husband.
I checked up on him when you were out.
He was eating a plate of sashimi and drinking sake!
You work so hard as a hairdresser, and he spends all the money!
What a loser of a man."
"It's not my place to say this, but it's not like
he ordered sashimi for everyone in the neighborhood
or bought barrels of sake and went into a drunken frenzy.
He only had a few drinks
and a plate of sashimi.
Yet you speak ill of him.
How cruel!"
"I thought you said you wanted to break up with him!"
It's "Umaya Kaji" today!
Hi!
It's a rough draft.
There are times when he's so sweet to me that I feel
there can't be a sweeter man on this planet.
"But on some days,
I wish he'd just drop dead!"
The thing is, I have no idea how he feels.
Does he really love me,
or does he stay with me just to make a living?
What do you think?
"If you don't know, how should I know?
But I do feel sorry for you.
Sometimes you've got to test a man's feelings.
Have you heard of Morokoshi?"
"Of course! Sweet rice balls, right?"
"No, it's another name for China!
There once was a great teacher named Confucius."
- Who's Confucius? - He'll tell you.
Teacher! Confucius!
Confucius!
We have bad news! There was a fire in the stable!
What did you say?
We tried to save your favorite white horse,
but we were too late!
If you hadn't taken the black horse...
It's our fault that we let the fire start!
We're so sorry!
My beloved pupils.
Did anyone get hurt?
- We're all fine. - Is that so?
I'm glad you are all fine.
Confucius!
They thought, "What a kind teacher he is!
We will serve him with our lives!"
However,
some stories are total opposites.
Once there was a young master of the Saru family.
"That's such an odd name.
A 'monkey' young master?"
"I can't reveal his real name. Let's leave it at that."
This young master was very much into collecting pottery.
Four-Eyes!
The bowl is expensive, so my wife will take it.
But it's so old and cracked!
Moron! How could I have afforded it if it weren't cracked?
Without that crack...
How's the bowl? Is it broken?
The young master shouted
"Is it broken?"
Thirty-six times without pausing to breathe.
A few days later, the wife's parents took her back.
They couldn't let a man who loved a bowl so much
have their precious daughter as his wife.
"My husband is also very fond of a pottery plate."
"Really? That's great. Break it!"
"But what if he turns out to be like the 'monkey' young master
instead of the teacher in Morokoshi?
Sir, will you go talk to him before I go home?"
"Why should I?"
"Tell him that I'll break the plate.
Tell him to worry about me, not the plate!"
"That defeats the purpose!"
He's hopeless!
Who are you calling hopeless?
What are you doing here? Where's Maruo?
I left him there!
Have a drink, Maruo. It's no fun drinking alone!
I'll pass today. I have a gig in the evening.
But you used to drink in the dressing room!
That's the man I know!
One more!
Wait!
I'll have...
shochu instead!
With pleasure!
I have to go! Back to the dressing room!
See you!
Marimo.
Are you...
really all right?
I'm fine, thanks.
We're too late!
Go find him! He couldn't have gotten far!
Another round!
But I don't have any money.
Found a place!
Ryuji! I found one!
Seriously?
You know, Ryuji?
Beat Takeshi
used to drink methanol shochu.
Methanol shochu?
Drink methanol shochu,
then run around the street. The alcohol zooms through your body!
It feels so good!
Let's go. Your performance will start soon.
That'll be enough for today.
What are you guys doing?
Adrian!
Not my fault!
Your turn is coming right up.
Hasn't he come yet?
There's no other way. Ma'am, I'll go instead!
Don't rub salt in the wound!
Are you calling me salt? Yup!
The Salt of Hakata!
Perhaps it's time I rose to the challenge.
I'm sorry! This is all my fault!
You were supposed to be watching him! This is terrible.
- You're the one who texted me! - Five seconds later, he explodes!
- So it's my fault? - Not really.
But you're showing off your phone too much!
And I did tell Ta-chan to watch over him. Right?
I couldn't help it! I can't miss Don-chan's performance!
So it is my fault!
Enough!
Marimo is crying!
If she cries, I'll cry, too!
Want that?
No.
I don't want that at all.
I'm sorry.
All right, Ryuji, time to go. Off to the theater!
You can't! You're way too drunk!
I'll be fine! I'm the best manzai performer in Kansai!
A bit of alcohol can't stop me from going on stage!
What the hell?
I'm sorry!
Sorry, he's drunk!
Stop wobbling, you old geezer!
You drunk.
Always so drunk.
Huh?
Ma'am, we should rehearse.
You can't even have a conversation with your own wife.
You think you can do manzai with someone else's?
- This may not be the time, but... - What?
The story. How does it end?
- How insensitive! - I'm curious.
I heard up to the part "Let's break the plate."
And then what?
Well,
the wife Osaki breaks it, and her husband says...
"Are you hurt?
If a plate breaks, I can just buy a new one.
Were you hurt?"
"I'm so happy!
You worry about me!"
"Of course I do. If something ever happened to you..."
"From tomorrow...
I couldn't play...
and drink all day."
Dammit. The police sirens ruined it!
But really...
Don't the sirens sound awfully close?
It can't be...
What?
Damn. I didn't get it at all.
What happened?
It's bad news!
- What happened? - Let us through!
Listen to me!
I didn't do anything!
I didn't do anything at all!
Ryuji, that idiot!
Somebody get an ambulance!
No! No ambulance.
What happened?
Wait! It hurts!
I'm not going in!
Ryuji! Why the hell?
You have a car, right? Take Marimo home!
Kotora! I'm putting you in charge!
Sayuri-chan and I have to go to the police station...
To the police...
Don-chan.
They...
Don-chan...
Somebody get her a blanket!
Blanket! Blanket!
I've got to get back to my shop.
What the hell? I don't get this situation.
Hot...
What are you doing?
Sorry, I woke you up.
I didn't know whether to cool you down or make you warm,
so I decided on room temperature.
Thanks.
I'm fine now.
Mother called a little earlier.
They're letting Ryuji go, but...
Maruo...
I'm so sorry.
We're terribly sorry for all the trouble he caused.
Don't apologize! They know I didn't do anything!
Ryuji,
how can you be so nonchalant?
Ever since he got out of prison, Maruo hadn't had a drop of alcohol.
Prison?
He got drunk
and beat up people. He got out just recently.
We were all trying to help him start a new life, and you idiot...
You say you didn't do anything? Are you kidding?
You helped enable Maruo.
They should've thrown you in jail for two or three years!
You apologized in tears a while ago!
That was an act. Of course it was an act!
Who the hell would cry over you, idiot?
That was the last straw. I can't stand him.
We've caused you trouble, too.
You worked so hard for us, but...
I just hope...
I hope you don't give up on Maruo.
He's not a bad guy.
He told me stuff, and he and I have a lot in common.
Well...
I had no choice but to become a yakuza,
but I'm struggling with myself for it.
I bet he...
I mean...
He had no choice but to do manzai, and he's also struggling with himself.
This time, he lost to alcohol,
but he's not a bad guy.
So if you give up on him, it's like saying,
I'm a hopeless case, too.
Sorry. I can't say it well.
I've been really thinking...
About what?
The story where the wife breaks her husband's plate to test his feelings.
I thought it was a good story.
But my husband has nothing that matters to him
except for alcohol.
So I thought he would care about me once he quit drinking.
But drinking won.
Wait. There is something
that he cares about more.
What?
Manzai.
They say even a dog would ignore a couple's fight.
- It's "Umaya Kaji"! - Hey.
- Your shop! - I'm not working today.
Violence in the home is called domestic violence.
However, today's story is about violence outside the home.
A foolish man made a living knocking his wife around on stage.
It should be called SV or Stage Violence.
He's good.
There was a married couple named Marimo and Maruo,
a duo famous for physically violent manzai.
Being knocked around every day
made the wife feel insecure.
"Does my husband really love me?"
So she decided to put on an act
to test his feelings.
Get hurt right before the performance,
then see if he cares.
That's "Umaya Kaji."
When we were popular, I once got a bad case of whiplash.
What did he do?
He made sure to target my neck.
He's incredible.
He wouldn't even blink an eye at an injury.
But something like terminal cancer...
Good! Tell him you have only a few months left!
That'll surely get to him!
Right!
If he still beats you up, he is truly violent.
What do you think? It'll be quite effective.
I'm not sure this is what we intended.
And so it was agreed upon, and the plan was put into action.
Tiger, tiger, jirettaiga!
Good.
The yakuza boss posted his bail again
and Maruo was set free for the day.
- Ryuji? - Yes?
- Can you take me to Tokyo Station? - What?
- I'm going back to Osaka. - Why?
Shouldn't you see your wife?
How can I face her again, idiot? And I can't do manzai anymore.
What next?
Didn't you hear me? Change destination!
Damn it. Should I tell him?
No, I can't!
What?
Well... I'll just tell you. It's cancer.
What?
You didn't know?
Marimo has cancer.
When you were in prison, she was in the hospital for it.
Are you serious?
What kind of cancer? Stomach? Liver?
I don't know.
How much longer does she have?
Half a year? Three months?
Which is it? There's a huge difference!
Shut up! I said I didn't know!
Go back.
Make a U-turn and go back.
Go back now or I'll beat you up!
"Do you want to have dinner with me that badly?"
What's taking them so long?
Well, Kotora.
They're on their way.
I want to do the opposite.
The opposite?
Even a terminal illness wouldn't shake him, I think.
That's not the man I married.
If he knocks me around on stage even if I have cancer,
I'll still stay with him no matter what.
But if he hesitates or shows any bit of concern for me,
then...
I will break up with him.
I see.
Sorry! We're late!
The costumes?
They're not done yet.
Why not, you idiot?
Not my fault! I had to go pick him up!
I love it!
Seriously?
For you, that's good.
I wanted to put a big zipper in the front and a lion on the back.
Don't! Where's Maruo?
- He's changing. - Go get him.
Will do.
So about the cancer...
Forget it.
What?
It'll be the opposite. She wants him to hit her.
If you don't tell him,
he'll just beat her up.
- Too late. - What?
I told him already in the car!
I had no choice! He was trying to go back to Osaka!
Is it my fault again?
Maruo's coming!
Maruo!
Marimo.
Do you have cancer?
Next up is the manzai duo from Kansai, Marimo the wife and Maruo the husband!
We'll talk about it later. We're up!
Hello! We're the Dreams Come True of Naniwa,
Marimo and...
Ma...
Maruo!
It's your line!
The pretty one is Marimo.
The dirty looking one is Maruo.
I'm...
I'm nothing but filth.
No need to cry over it. This is manzai!
Yes. This is manzai...
- Here I go! Compliment me! - Go right ahead!
This rose in the meadow is Marimo.
This criminal running across the meadow is Maruo!
She's right!
All this time, you've stuck by a criminal like me.
I'm so grateful!
Idiot!
I'm such an idiot!
She'll divorce him.
What?
It's a lie. She's just testing him.
It's not cancer?
I wish I put the lion...
Shut your traps!
I keep telling myself I need to work harder.
- You don't have to try too hard! - Why not?
If you die, I'll get loads of insurance money!
That's true.
If I die, you'll live in luxury with the insurance money.
But...
Scum like me gets to live,
and Marimo...
You!
Get your act together!
What the hell?
Think about the audience!
I'm so sorry, people.
My husband knocks me around too much,
so I decided to pull his leg.
I told him I had a terminal illness and was going to die in a few months.
He freaked out!
Hold it!
What do you mean?
It was a prank? You aren't dying?
- It's a lie! - It's a lie?
It's the truth!
Which is it?
Idiot!
When I lie...
The lie shows on my face!
So it is a lie!
How dare you!
You made a fool of your husband!
Would a loser like you actually be sad over your wife's death?
Of course, idiot!
If you died...
"From tomorrow on,
I won't be able to have fun and drink!"
Hey! You nailed it, Second Billing!
Thank you so much! Thank you, everyone!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Don't worry.
We'll keep the incense burning until you are released.
Forgive me.
I had no idea she really had cancer.
You did something real good.
Don't you think? If they had broken up like that,
Marimo would be turning in her grave!
They got to understand each other at their last gig.
As a married couple and a manzai duo,
they probably have no regrets.
You were a wonderful Morokoshi teacher!
I'm not such a great guy.
So this time,
I cannot accept any lesson fee from you.
I learned something very important from you.
I wish I could pay you instead!
Although I can't afford it.
- What about your debt? - About that...
Could you... Could you...
Pay it for me this month?
Okay, just this once.
Shut up and eat quietly!
Number 628! Put your tray out!
I'm Inoue Waka!
At least give me a reaction.
Give me a break. You do it every single day.
You don't know how to take a joke!