BOSS
I'm the pickiest yakuza in Japan when it comes to comedy.
I'm the boss of Shinjuku Ryuseikai.
Actually,
I wanted to be onstage as soon as possible,
but if I came early, it would be harder on the others.
The headliner is coming!
Hey, I don't hurt kids. They got no money.
Most people imagine Takakura Ken or Sugawara Bunta when they hear "yakuza."
Macho guys, you know. But the reality is different.
A lot of them are idiots.
Some even don't know the word "underboss." They say "lower boss."
How stupid are they?
What? You want me to begin the story?
All right, all right.
But funny introductions are my strong point!
Okay, I'll begin.
In an apartment lived a hardworking scatterbrain
and another guy who was really lazy and also scatterbrained.
They were neighbors and friends.
The hardworking one went to see the Buddha at Asakusa.
And there... What was the story?
It's "Sokotsu Nagaya"! My specialty!
What? Don-chan is going to do "Sokotsu Nagaya"?
Okay.
I'll stop here, then.
Now, Tiger and Dragon!
SOKOTSU NAGAYA EPISODE
Yasuo.
Why did you come back?
Megumi's not here, and she's my girlfriend now!
He's coming.
Excuse me.
What? You're scaring me!
What the heck?
I'm starving.
I thought you quit the yakuza.
I planned to. I even got a job.
But I couldn't be bothered
with crap like hourly wages and morning calisthenics.
I'm a yakuza to the bone.
- So? - Shinjuku would be awkward for me, so...
Wolf Corp.
- Meguro Chapter. - That's the Yamanote Line territory!
Rikio. He used to be under the boss. Do you know him?
Boss!
Who's this?
The group's originally from Kansai. They left Shinjuku
when they lost a turf war against Ryuseikai.
I figured it was the perfect place for me to go to.
Of course, sir.
Rikio liked me immediately, and made me the treasurer...
Something's not right.
What's it?
Yeah, I skimmed a bit.
You don't even feel guilty!
For some reason, everyone trusts me with their money.
Do I look so trustworthy?
Most of all, security is so lax. They put everything in one account!
Thought I wouldn't get caught if I took a bit.
But you did get caught! That's why you're starving!
What is it?
What do we do?
Nothing. You have a gig.
It starts soon, but still...
What?
Doesn't it seem interesting?
What do you mean?
He's trouble!
But it'll make a good rakugo story.
- Kotora... - If I give up, I'll lose a good story.
I should at least listen to his story.
Behind you...
Let me hear him out.
Hey. What the?
What happened?
Are you okay?
How bloody original,
putting a reward on my head.
And it's only five million yen.
You get ten million for winning a comedy contest!
How much did you embezzle anyway?
I siphoned off a couple hundred yen every time I went to the bank.
No one seemed to notice. Then Rikio went abroad.
So I swiped five million at once.
It's a fair exchange, then.
That's not the end of it.
Actually,
there was a camera hidden in Rikio's office.
He got everything on tape.
She was the one who seduced me!
It would've been rude to refuse!
What are you, an animal?
Anyway, glad I met you. We've known each other for a long time.
And you wanted out of Ryuseikai.
You're mistaken.
What?
I'm no friend of yours.
You've got no parents, right?
No one to grieve for you.
I haven't forgotten what you did.
I can either hand you over to that Rikio
or kill you and get me that five million.
Screw you!
Yamazaki, you bastard!
Sorry to interrupt, but Tanabe, are you staying in here?
- I am! - Let him!
Absolutely not!
Who is this?
I don't like yakuza.
Yakuza smash things up.
If they stay, I'm leaving!
I'm not joking!
Understood.
You sure he's in this room?
Yes... Probably.
Probably? You useless piece of crap!
Can I help you?
- Not this room. - I'm sorry.
Sorry, but can we talk somewhere else?
He'll stay with me for a while.
Thanks.
I've got a gig.
Wait, Kotora!
Sit down.
- I have to go. - Sit!
- Just sit down! - Why?
I'm telling you to sit down!
Okay. What is it?
You know, this house...
It's not a hostel for yakuza members.
It's an ordinary home.
Please understand. Right, honey?
He and you are both yakuza, but you are totally different from this yakuza.
Stop the yakuza-ing!
What's this?
Am I paralyzed? I can't look away!
Well, Mr. Tanabe.
What?
We always introduce ourselves to a visitor.
So let me start right away.
I am Donbei, the master of this house.
Nice to meet you.
The paralyzed guy here...
- He's my son, Donta. - Don... Don...
My grandchildren, Saya and Taro.
These are my pupils,
Donkichi, Dontsuku, Donburi, and what was your name?
- Udon, sir. - Udon, how silly.
I'm supposed to avoid secondhand smoke, but it doesn't really matter.
This is my son's wife, Tsuruko, and my wife, Sayuri.
- Please be nice to them. - Hi.
Oh... My heart.
That's about it.
By the way, he steals. So hide your cash.
Kotora, I'll go with you.
We should go, too!
You should go, too.
- Why? - Take the kids.
Go buy eggs, milk, or whatever.
But why?
Or some beer, maybe?
Right, Tsuruko?
Hop, step, jumptei-Jump!
A few days ago, I got an interview from the magazine Young Jump.
Tell a story like that.
A story about a yakuza in danger? There isn't one.
It's too bloody.
People won't laugh.
It can be about a wanted man, too.
"Sokotsu Nagaya" is about a guy who dropped dead.
What's that?
At Sensoji Temple, they find a dead John Doe.
- That'll be great! Do that one! - Don't be unreasonable.
Why should the master take requests from you?
Kotora the Great has realized that he can adapt a similar story
to a situation.
And the elder monk did a bungee jump!
He's so irritating. Jump this, jump that.
I'm so worried about Sayuri-chan back home.
- You were a singer? - Yes.
But I haven't worked at all since I got married.
What a shame, Turkey.
You're still young, Turkey.
You shouldn't be stuck at home.
I... I'm Tsuruko,
not Turkey.
Oh, sorry.
I'm one-fourth Turkish, so...
Wow.
No wonder your features are so sharp.
You're a beauty, ma'am.
If we had met twenty... no, ten years earlier,
I might've crossed the line.
Order extra-fine sushi!
Yes, Mother!
Sorry to impose on you!
This is so fun! And I'm drunk!
Me too! I feel like I'm under a spell!
So I hit "send" here.
That's right.
Sayuri-chan! I'm so worried...
- No, you have to type the message. - Master.
Your turn, master!
Please, master. I'll be in the audience.
We've been waiting for you! Don-chan!
Thank you very much for coming.
At last, "Sakotsu Nagaya"!
It's not "Sakotsu," it's "Sokotsu"!
From what I heard,
the total population of this planet
is approximately 6.1 billion,
and 4.875 billion people
are supposed to be absent-minded.
Well, how fortunate.
The ones in the audience are the exceptions.
Congratulations.
Absent-minded people are called scatterbrains.
"Stop fighting! You're married!"
"Why are you barging in barefoot?"
-"We're not fighting." -"You were!"
"You did yell, 'Get out, bitch!'"
"I didn't! We've known each other for so long.
You know I'm still single!"
"Yeah, right. Then what was that?"
"Maybe it was that thing.
You know the thing that runs all around the apartment."
-"That animal." -"A rat?"
"Not a rat. A bigger thing."
-"An elephant." -"Nope."
What's up? You're frowning.
It's like seeing my old self.
"You know the one that barks bow-wow."
"Oh, a dog!"
"Right, this dog came into my room,
squatted down, and pooped horseshit."
"A dog can't poop horseshit.
You're a strange man."
"Anyway, because the dog was female, I shouted,
'Get out, bitch!'
That's why you were confused."
That's so hopeless.
Don't laugh!
In an apartment lived a lazy scatterbrain
and a hardworking scatterbrain.
They were neighbors and friends.
One day, the hardworking one went to pray to Buddha.
There's a huge crowd. What's wrong?
I heard there's a dead body there.
I'd like to see for myself.
Me, too.
But there are so many people, you can't get in
unless you crawl under their legs.
Under their legs?
Excuse me, if you could kindly let me get ahead...
Kindly what? Go away!
Damn!
Hey! What's this guy doing?
If you've seen it, step away!
Make way!
You just came? Come over here.
Thank you.
"So, is it going to start now?"
"There's nothing to start.
We've got a John Doe."
"So he's called John Doe.
What does he do?"
"What a weird man.
How annoying.
He's covered with the straw mat."
"Well... Excuse me.
Everyone is watching. Shouldn't you get up?"
"He's not going to get up.
He's already dead."
"Oh."
"Then he's John Dead.
You said he was John Doe."
"Well, I don't really want to talk to you
for too long.
Why don't you take a look at his face and see if he's someone you know?"
"I guess, although I don't think he'll be anybody I know.
Well then, excuse...
Gosh, I know him!"
Goodness! It's Kuma!
So you do know him, don't you?
Of course, I know him well! He's my neighbor!
We're like brothers!
We weren't born on the same day but swore not to die on the same day.
Naturally!
Naturally, we're friends!
Who would do this to him?
Was it you?
What the heck?
I was worried about this John Doe.
It's Kuma! I'm absolutely sure!
Then, please go to his place and tell his wife that...
He has no wife! He's single.
Parents? Family?
He has no one.
He's a poor loner with no one to turn to.
That's a problem.
This is what we'll do.
Let's go and bring the man here.
The man?
"Who do you mean, 'the man'?"
"I mean the man John Doe."
- Huh? - Will you be quiet?
But the man is... He's already dead!
It gets funny from here. Just listen.
"He said this morning that he wasn't feeling well."
"This morning? You've got the wrong person then.
He's been here since last night."
"That's why you have to bring the man here.
He's one of those people who's confused about themselves.
So I bet he himself doesn't even know
that he's been like this here."
Hey, did the master lose his marbles or what?
"So let me go fetch the man.
Once the person comes and we compare the two of them,
he'll know it is him. Problem solved."
Hey, Kuma!
Get up, Kuma!
Idiot! Don't call Kuma so much!
Wake up, Kuma!
Come out here!
Wait, I'm Kuma!
- Kuma! - What's up?
It's not the time to be sitting around smoking.
You're not going to believe this!
So they went there,
to Dosakusa... Wait, not Dosakusa.
I mean Asakusa.
- Wait, I don't get it. - What?
It makes no sense if Kuma is home. He's dead.
It's funny because it's nonsense!
What?
The scatterbrain doesn't know he's dead, so he's at home smoking. Right?
"Right" what, punk?
I'm not your friend. I'm your master!
- Fine, whatever. - It is not fine!
You aren't even wearing a kimono!
I'm just observing!
Pay for the observation!
Master, I believe the bigger problem is that observer.
What? Ignore me and go ahead.
That dirtbag!
If I took him to court, I bet I'd win!
Can I go on?
Yeah.
So Hachi goes to Kuma and explains everything.
Wait. A dead John Doe? Me?
Don't say something so creepy. I don't feel dead at all.
You're so thick-skinned!
Where were you last night?
I went out. The day broke as I came back home.
I think I drank half a bottle.
I remember passing by the Buddha statue,
but as to how I got home...
See?
You drank bad liquor and fainted.
You fell next to the statue and died.
But you didn't even notice it and just came back home.
- I did? - You did.
So that's why I don't feel well.
See? Now, let's go.
- Where? - Let's get the body.
Whose?
- Yours! - Stop!
Can you stop saying "Stop?"
I'm getting confused.
Let's just say he's alive.
If Kuma goes there, then who's the dead person?
- That's the ending. - What is?
"I know I'm the one being carried,
but who is the one carrying me?"
I don't get it!
There is no punchline!
Stop yelling!
It doesn't add up!
The punchline isn't supposed to add up.
You express everything with only words and few movements.
That's rakugo.
Get it?
Kotatsu.
- You explained it well. - Don't.
That's exactly it.
A skilled rakugo performer captivates the audience with a nonsense story.
It's up to the audience to find it funny
or to find it incomprehensible and reject it.
Whatever you say, I just don't get it! Stop enjoying yourselves so much!
We're not!
At least the endings of the stories I learned made sense.
But not this time.
- What's upsetting you so much? - Kotora!
It's what you said, Dad.
Excuse me.
Is Ryu-chan in here?
It's Megumi-chan!
Megumi-chan?
Get off!
Mr. Tanabe? No way!
Why are you here?
I came to see you.
Please.
Be quiet and leave.
Get outta my way.
You're still so cute.
The spell... The spell has been broken!
Shut up! Uggo!
Megumi-chan, let's go to my place! I'm leaving now.
You better not.
- Why? - I saw yakuza cars parked there.
Seriously?
Who's this Yamazaki?
- Who? - What do you mean?
He's a yakuza.
Like I don't know that!
He's a friend of Ryu.
Ryu is your name.
- He means Ryuji of Dragon Soda... - Taiji.
You shut your trap!
This is why I hate Japanese yakuza.
I feel sorry for you, Ryu-chan. You work hard in Japan,
but some bad Chinese people
steal and traffic people.
Pity.
I'm not Ryu-chan. I'm Ryu-san.
Hey, Ryu-san.
It's the same with yakuza.
There's a bad yakuza who swiped our hard-earned money!
You and I are no different. Help us out here.
All right...
Ryu-san?
- The Shinjuku Ryuseikai. -Xiexie.
"How terrible I look. Had I known how I'd end up,
I would have eaten more."
"No point in crying now. How..."
Sorry to interrupt your studies.
I told you to stay inside!
It's okay.
I just had this great idea.
The funny story we heard...
"Sokotsu Nagaya."
That's it. It gave me the idea. Can you...
Kill me?
- What? - Just make it look like you offed me.
Then we fool Rikio and split the five million yen.
I take the money, say goodbye to Tokyo, and go to Okinawa or Hokkaido.
What about me?
Guess you'll go to the slammer.
Don't smash my cart, Kotora!
It's no big deal! You'll only get three or four years.
After all, it's just a criminal that you killed.
Listen to me.
In front of a crowd,
shoot your gun, then tell people you dumped me in the sea.
If you go to prison for it,
Rikio will believe you, even without a body.
He will.
It's "Sokotsu Nagaya."
- So will you do it? - Sure.
Or I'll really kill you and collect the five million.
No one will grieve for you anyway!
Not that I'm bragging,
but now I have such people.
I have people who think of me as family!
Dream on, moron!
You smashed it! Compensate!
Think carefully.
People like us are replaceable.
You may be, but not me.
No one can replace me.
Where are you going?
None of your business. Like I even need your help, idiot!
Compensate!
You don't get it, do you?
When it comes to Tanabe, we're also victims.
Tanabe is connected to your Yamazaki.
Based on what evidence?
You saw it, right?
Oh, yes.
He was eating with this tall handsome guy.
And how do we know the handsome guy is Yamazaki?
Even if it was Yamazaki you saw,
he's no longer with us.
What?
He quit already. We'd like to know where the hell he is!
You scared me.
Young Master Gin.
You've grown so much!
I should have taken a picture of him.
Asking to get your ass kicked, aren't you?
Sorry, sorry.
We didn't come to start a fight.
Just hand Tanabe over to us.
I'll buy Gin a nice suit if you do.
It wouldn't do for him to wear such shabby clothes.
Cut it out, Rikio.
Boss, I'll be leaving.
Let's go, Tetsuya.
Yes, sir.
You too.
Come in.
I've left the place as it is.
The duo from last time?
Of course, who else?
Smash it all!
Please, don't!
What are you doing, Taiji? Join in!
I gave you an order!
WOLF CORP, MEGURO CHAPTER
Where is the shop's owner?
Why is that important? Are you stupid?
I'm so sorry!
Not "I'm so sorry."
It's "Yes, sir."
Yes, sir!
I know you want to protect your old friend,
but it's not our business.
Don't get us involved.
Sorry.
They even know where I live.
Why don't you just hand that Tanabe over?
He's...
gone.
I didn't...
expect them to get to you.
Don't!
I don't know what you think you are,
but you're still yakuza.
Get it?
Why did you keep quiet?
He was someone who stole from his group.
It was hard to explain.
I'll take responsibility and find him.
If you find him, then what?
He might get killed,
but I'll hand him over.
Then they'll chop your finger off, too, Yamazaki.
The other guy who stole money with Yasuo
killed himself.
Call 911!
These are thank-you letters from his relatives.
Thank-you letters?
That moron Tanabe was sending money to the son who survived.
The kid was in the hospital for a while,
but now he lives with his relatives and goes to school.
While that doesn't mean
it's okay to steal from one's group,
it looks like Tanabe still has a human heart left,
at least a tiny bit.
If he didn't,
he wouldn't try to act like Tiger Mask.
It's not too late, Tora.
Stop him before he gets destroyed!
I understand what has happened.
You must have made up your mind.
I'm not one to stop people from quitting.
I didn't even stop my son.
Master.
However,
you're different.
Whatever you say, I won't let you quit.
Gambling den, field hospital, wherever you go,
I'll track you down.
Why?
At first you told me to do what I'm meant to do
and be a good yakuza.
There's one reason.
The debt?
Sayuri-chan's crying.
Today, Tsuruko is crying, too.
Double crying.
If you must go, then go.
But don't go as a yakuza.
Go as a rakugo performer.
What the hell do they want me to do?
What should I do, Tora-chan? I'm with Tanabe now.
What?
He wanted to borrow money from me.
Where are you?
What the heck?
Odaiba.
Odaiba? Where in Odaiba?
- I see a Ferris wheel. - You can see it from everywhere!
I don't know! It's my first time here.
On the middle of some bridge.
Some bridge? How do I know what bridge it is?
Where is Yasuo?
He's taking a leak.
He's back.
Hey, Megumi.
Keep talking to him. Don't let him leave!
I can't. It's not like I'm a rakugo teller!
Idiot! Ask him all that stuff,
about his family, his hometown...
Hello? Tora-chan? Hello?
He's on some bridge in Odaiba.
Some bridge? Which one?
They didn't say.
Shut up, you useless piece of crap!
Start the damn car!
Thanks. I'll pay you back.
Where are you from?
Mie Prefecture.
Mie? I can't think of anything about that place.
They've got lots of good stuff, like spiny lobsters and beef.
Your parents?
Alive. They're farmers.
Then go to them.
You should go back home.
Your parents must be worried about you.
You did your best, Tanabe.
Buy a ticket home with that money.
Will you come?
Megumi.
Are you okay? We're in Odaiba!
Step on the gas, damn it!
Taiji, why aren't you answering me?
You told me to shut up.
You got a death wish?
I'm sorry.
Yes, sir.
I just got here. Yasuo?
Sorry, he left.
Don't worry. He's going to his hometown.
He's going to work at his parents' farm.
Tora-chan?
Tora-chan!
Damn it! Where did they go?
Hey, be gentle, Tetsuya.
This is a great place.
You don't have to act like a yakuza here.
It's cold! I'm freezing, Tetsuya.
Taiji!
- No way. - Do it. Now.
For just five million?
Even a comedy contest...
I told you to do it!
Shoot him, Taiji!
People say the word "scatterbrain" all the time.
"Sakotsu Nagaya"!
It's "Sokotsu Nagaya,"
you're the most scatterbrained!
Tiger Tiger
Jirettaiga!
Why are you saying it?
I've always told you nonfiction stories,
but today's story is fiction.
None of the people or organizations in the story are real.
That's the norm!
Back during the Edo era, there were two scatterbrained yakuza.
Men like this tend to think they're clever.
One of them stole the gang's money.
The boss found out, of course, and put a bounty on his head.
500 ryo.
As for the other scatterbrained yakuza...
Yamazaki!
It's not Taiji!
My name is
Yasuji!
What's this?
Damn you!
Every single day, you beat me like a punching bag.
I hate you! I hate you!
Stop!
Stop it.
Let go!
Screw the whole "Yes, sir" thing.
I won't say it anymore.
Shit!
He was killed, because he didn't get his man's name right.
Isn't this story too violent?
He promised that if we caught Tanabe,
we'd split the five million.
But he didn't do anything. All he did was complain.
And he'd beat me up every time.
He was a real bastard.
But you didn't have to kill him.
I'm sorry.
But that's not the end of it.
What?
I happen to know
that he was stealing from our group before Tanabe came.
He was?
Doesn't come as a surprise to me.
Then he made it look like it was my fault.
I didn't do anything, but he beat me up.
He's the one who ratted out Tanabe in the first place.
I have no respect for him.
If a junior member can't respect his elder brother,
he can't be a yakuza.
Okay, I get it.
Do you?
You were supposed to end up dead.
Right.
This guy must have a family, just like you.
What about the boy you're helping out?
Everyone in this world has someone...
to grieve for them.
Take your clothes off.
- Why? - You're the one who got killed.
Hey, Taiji.
I mean, Yasuji.
Take his clothes off and call your boss.
Tell him that Tetsuya killed Tanabe.
What do I do, then?
What about your parents' farm?
So they switched Yasuo and Tetsuya's clothes
to trick the boss with Tetsuya's body.
In the dark, you look pretty alike.
But it's all bloody!
Pretend it's his.
Hello, this is Yasuji.
I killed Tanabe.
I... Tetsuya?
He's with me. Yes.
We're in Odaiba. Yes.
He'll call us back later.
You idiot.
Tetsuya killed Tanabe!
What did I just say?
That you killed him!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't say "sorry," moron.
- Moron? - Sorry.
This is getting confusing.
This bastard just killed you, and you're now Tetsuya.
Why am I all bloody?
They'll wonder the same thing.
So why did you say you were with him?
Should I go buy some clothes?
At this hour?
Besides, why are you going?
If you don't mind...
lame clothes...
Odaiba? Why me? The shop's still a mess!
And I don't want to get involved!
This is the last time I'll ask. Please.
I can't do this alone. If you don't come...
What if I don't go?
Then the story won't end.
I guess I have no choice, then. I'm coming.
Sorry, but please bring clothes without weird patches.
They're called emblems!
I'll be right back.
He asked Ryu the shopkeeper to bring some clothes.
Unfortunately, the boss arrived first.
Hello.
You used this?
Good job. Now put it away.
Where's the body?
In the trunk.
Open it.
Take it off.
His face is badly bashed, so...
I don't care. Do it!
What is it?
Sorry for being late!
Will this fit Tanabe?
They're my new designs.
Who are you? Do you know Tanabe?
- I'm sorry, he's with me. - Huh?
Hello, I'm Yamazaki of Ryuseikai.
Explain what's going on!
Well...
Yasuji killed Tanabe.
I saw it with my eyes.
Tetsuya?
In the car. He's not feeling well.
Tetsuya.
Clean up the mess properly.
Can you do that?
- Yes, sir! - I'm counting on you.
What should I...
Hey.
Baseball.
Turn yourself in, or do whatever you want.
Hey.
When you come back, I'll make you "lower boss."
Yes, sir.
Say hello to your boss for me.
Have a nice day!
Now, Tanabe's body. If it is found,
they'll find out that "Tanabe" isn't Tanabe.
So he carried it into a mountain.
Who did?
Tanabe himself!
Tell me what's going on.
I really believed Tanabe was killed.
Yes. Tanabe Yasuo is dead.
Huh?
I got him into trouble, too.
And you two, too.
I'll help.
Don't touch him!
If you help, you'll become an accessory.
You're not a yakuza anymore.
You're a rakugo performer.
Bye.
Did you hear him?
I'm not a yakuza.
Since a yakuza said so, he must be right.
Can I ask you something?
What?
If the body I'm carrying is me,
"then who am I, the one doing the carrying?"
You rocked again! Although it was a scary story!
Here's your stew.
To tell you the truth,
I thought "Sokotsu Nagaya" would be hard for you,
as it's nonsense.
- I did say that at first. - That shows how difficult your job is.
So you've got to quit as soon as possible. Understand? Now give it.
- What? - Lesson fee.
Here. This month's fee.
Thank you.
Welcome back, Kotora.
Master.
Give it back now.
Now, the debt money!
Sorry. Calm down!
I'll sink you!
- Kotora, please don't. - What?
Calm down. Calm down.
Just please calm down. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Is it because I put it in my pocket?
I'll give it back. Sorry.
Here is this month's payment.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Yamazaki.
You've done lots of stuff by now, right?
Do you know how much I need to repay before you can quit?
I haven't done the math yet.
If you add up everything I've paid so far,
it's 1.7 million, so I've got 2.3 million left.
Only 1.7 million?
It's already 1.7!
It's "only" that much!
It's "already" that much. So hurry up and learn faster!
It's already 1.7!
It's only 1.7... Huh?
Are these from Mr. Tanabe?
Wow, good for him.
- No! - He married a good woman.
Good what?
What an idiot!
You're not supposed to tell me!
You scatterbrain!