KEYS JINGLING,
PHONE RINGS
RINGING TONE
'Hiya.'
'I'm not leaving him tonight, I'm
You'll tell Carmel
'Yeah.'
You'll tell her tonight?
Yeah.
'What time?'
I don't know.
I thought we could tell them
I'll tell Geoff and you tell Carmel
I could do it that way.
If I know you're doing it, too.
'What time?'
You choose.
Half six.
When the woman says,
"And now it's time to join
We tell them then.
KEY RATTLES IN DOOR
Yes.
Bye.
He's the best!
Everything you look for
You think any Scousers are talking
'You'll tell Carmel
BOYS ARGUE,
'We could tell them
'Now, there's a bit of uncertainty
'so if you are
'You'll tell her tonight?'
'..the best
'"And now it's time to join
Put the ball away!
What is it?
We're getting married, Dad.
'It's time to join the BBC's
If that's OK with you.
Yeah. When?
Church and all that?
I couldn't do it.
'Why not?'
When we meet?
Did you do it?
You told him?
Yes.
'I'm sorry.'
You bastard.
LINE GOES DEAD
So, here we go.
Eight round tables, ten per table.
And then a long one at the back
for bride and groom, parents,
We can bring some more in
Lovely.
Upstairs at the Crown
Never mind the Crown.
It's perfect.
How do I pay? A third now,
Cheque OK?
What does he do, your dad?
Barrett's in town.
Shop or warehouse?
He owns it, Dad.
Owns it?!
Yeah.
He's not exactly
No.
Will you wait for us, please?
All right, love.
No, we're going into town.
You all right, Dad?
This is my dad Gordon, and Maeve.
Dad and Maeve,
Nice to meet you.
THEY ALL EXCHANGE
Enjoy.
Enjoy your time. Drink, Carmel?
No, I'll wait for the wine.
Willy?
I'm paying for the meal. You're not.
I'm paying. So I'll have a scotch.
OK.
I think you're missing the point.
why our young men are there...
And women, women too.
They're not there to win.
They're not there to gain ground
The Yanks will take care of that,
We're there to die. To die, so
"Look, we're not alone. It's not
Just imagine, right, that by
we managed to get through it all
D'you think the Yanks'd say
They'd say, "What the bloody hell
"You've got to die, you bastards.
So, have you ever been to Thailand,
No. I've always wanted to.
It's lovely.
Mo sent me.
Mo?
He doesn't like people smoking
Right. I'm just finishing now
Right.
Beam me up, Scotty.
I agree with the ban.
But we are a persecuted minority,
I agree with the ban, by the way.
There's no facilities.
You won't.
I've had whiskies and brandies,
and God knows what,
I can afford a few brandies.
Often you won't find an ashtray,
Not quite an ashtray, but anyway,
Put 10% on, by the way.
What are you gonna do
What are you supposed to do?
If you do, you're dropping litter
People have been fined
when all they've dropped
MACHINE BEEPS
I'm afraid your card's
Erm... Shall I have another go?
So the only logical thing to do...
It's fine, by the way.
The only logical thing to do is drop
But what's gonna happen then?
You drop your ciggy stump
and you're starting a fire.
So what's worse, dropping a bit of
or starting a fire
Excuse me, sir, I'm afraid
There's a problem. There's a fault.
There's money in there...
I put a big cheque in.
It does, cos I've been ordering
and I only did that, cos I thought
I wouldn't have ordered 'em if you
Everything's fine.
a right prick, doesn't it?!
Why do you do that?
Hello. My card's just been rejected
Why d'you let your mouth run away
Answer me.
William J Houlihan.
No, don't do that.
They'll think I'm a con man,
that I knew the card
They'll think no such thing!
She certainly will, the gold digger.
For God's sake, why are you
It can't be overdrawn, mate.
I put a cheque in five days ago for
Say that again.
Tony's cheque bounced.
No, nothing. Thank you. Thanks.
He wouldn't do that to us.
He wouldn't.
'Hiya, this is Tony.
Answer machine.
Tony, it's Willy.
Give us a bell as soon as poss.
How much is that?
12 quid, love.
There you go. Thanks.
'You all right?'
I need to speak to Tony,
OK. Did he say where?
OK. If you hear from him,
Tell him it's urgent. Thanks.
Has anyone been on?
No.
What? Look, I'm sick of repeating
Has Laura been on?
Every light in this house
Switch 'em off!
It's Willy. I'm trying
Phone me back when you get this.
Are you having one?
Get your mam a cup of tea.
Get your mam a cup of tea, now!
Tony wouldn't let you down.
Mark, it's Willy.
ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS
Pick it up, Tony.
cos I'm coming round anyway.
'Pick it up, you prick. Pick it up.'
Pick it up!
What's going on?
What d'you mean, you're finished?
What about my money?
Taxman's first. Then the VAT.
Then...
I'm sorry, mate.
I did all I could.
You let me put eight bathrooms
If there's anything left,
Willy! You're top of the list.
No, no, no!
I'm not letting you do this, Willy!
Don't make me do a thing like that
No! I want you to go home, Willy,
I don't want to wreck
but I will if I have to,
For God's sake, this is crazy, mate!
The bank owns them! I'm handing over
cos the bank owns them now!
So whatever you do, you do
I'm phoning the cops on you, Willy!
Come on, man!
See sense for God's sake!
Hello again.
Er... It's a bit awkward, this.
Yeah? Can I ask you
We paid it in first thing.
Right.
No. Well, slight. Slight problem.
It's, er, fine. It's fine, love.
So you're still going ahead
No problem. Absolutely no problem.
Bye.
I was going to tell her.
And the boys.
And just as I was about to do it,
and told us they were
That's exactly the way it was,
When it's over...
when the wedding's over
I'll tell her then. I'll go home.
I'll pack a bag.
And I'll pick you up at yours.
About half seven.
Half seven, night of the wedding.
You told Geoff?
How'd he take it?
He was ecstatic (!)
D'you want me to sort him?
Yeah.
At the house.
Many in the Lion?
There was a few.
You stink of ale.
Sorry.
Look, no disrespect,
but I'm finding it difficult
And I'm finding it difficult
why I'm talking to somebody in India
when all I want is an appointment
So please, please,
Will it be a free bar? No way!
You're making people pay
Nobody has a free bar these days.
make pigs of themselves, throw up.
It's a four-star hotel.
That's not my fault, is it?
Yeah! You're asking people to go,
You're asking people to go...
..to pay over the odds for ale.
They don't have to come!
They'll bring their own
What you doing?
What did you do that for?
Why did you stuff yourself
I don't know.
Mr Houlihan?
Hello. Paul. Hi.
I paid a big cheque in,
You'll know that
Problem is,
I wrote one of my own
Eight grand.
It'll turn up here
It's for my daughter's wedding.
There's another 12 grand
There's this Western.
I think it's a Western,
But this bloke walks into a bank
and he asks for a loan
"What's your collateral?"
And the bloke says, "This is
And he gets the loan and he pays
I know it's not Hollywood, but,
I'm wasting my breath here,
You know, it's common decency
to look at a man
I'm sorry?
I've worked my bollocks off
and I'm going to carry on
and I'm going to put more money in
and then I'm going to come here
And when they ask me why I'm closing
DOOR SLAMS
Fucking twat.
I'm Willy Houlihan.
You touch her again, I'll kill you.
RAP MUSIC
Yes.
What?
Yes, I am starting early.
Phone her.
Laura!
She's a good kid!
Turn it down!
She'd be just as happy
I know. And that's
cos she's a good kid who'd be just
Turn it down!
THEY'D pay. His parents.
No way.
They wouldn't miss it.
Phone Laura.
Phone her!
PHONE RINGS
Hello.
It's your dad.
Hiya. How's things?
Fine. You?
'Fine. What you doing?'
Just watching telly with Joe. You?
Same. Well, not with Joe.
'How is she?'
Do you love him?
'Yeah.'
'What's going on?'
What is it, Dad?
Tell her!
It's the wedding.
What about it?
What about it?!
Can I invite your Uncle George?
Of course.
It's a wedding.
I'll invite him, then.
Night, love.
CREAKING
CLUTCH GRINDS
Shite!
Hello.
Just browsing, thanks.
Born around the corner,
baptised here, first confession,
made the wife promise
We get a lot like that.
I bet you do.
I want to knock it down.
Costs a fortune to run this place.
It's not yours to knock down,
Poverty-stricken people like
Poverty-stricken people
and their ha'pennies and pennies.
So the least you can do is
What are you doing here?
I'm doing something
I'm making a deal with God.
He gets me out the hole I'm in,
Such as?
Give up the booze or summat.
It's a bit easy, that, though,
You've probably wanted to give up
just needed a bit of motivation.
I don't think God will accept that.
Give her up.
Who?
The other woman.
There's always another woman.
Go away. I want to be alone, right?
I think I've got the right
a bit of peace and quiet,
you know what I mean?
Why are you so aggressive?
So aggressive, so tense, so...
Fucked up?
You married us. Me and the missus.
25 years ago. Right there.
I'm sorry, I...
One couple in thousands.
It's the daughter's turn next.
She's getting married,
I'm thinking of saying, "How long
"This bride and groom,
"before she's got a fancy man
"It's a farce, marriage,
"Hands up, all those who agree."
A lot more bad ones, though, eh?
The thing is,
But 25 years later, she's old.
You don't fancy her any more. You
but you don't fancy her any more.
younger women with firmer flesh.
And you're getting old yourself.
Last ten years whizzed by.
Death beckons.
go out and grab a woman,
How deep is it?
What?
It's bottomless.
Then give her up.
I left it there.
I think it's the clutch again.
Well, I can't afford to, mate.
Just weave some of your magic.
'Bring it in. I'll take a look.'
All right. I'll drop the keys off.
Thanks, Frank.
'Yeah, no problem.'
Having problems with your clutch?
What?
Get rid of it, mate.
I'm talking through bitter
Just here'll do, mate.
Sure?
£6.50, pal.
Cheers, mate. Keep the change.
Cheers, thank you. Cheers, pal.
There's no difference.
A pub and a betting shop,
they're both full of weirdoes
Language! Why's it OK to work
I just can't understand why...
How much?
20,000.
Where d'you get it?
Found it, in a taxi,
on the floor of a taxi.
Oh, Willy.
What? What kind of people
I don't know.
It's drug money!
Take it to the police.
If it's druggies,
for taking it to the police,
Minicab. Omega.
I checked as soon as I found the
It gets us out of a hole, love.
For God's sake, Willy,
You?
Where did you get dropped off?
In the taxi?
So he knows what street you live in?
He won't remember that.
He drops off people
Losing £20,000 tends
Take it with you.
When you leave
you take that money with you.
All right, Willy?
Thought you'd packed it in, mate.
Red or black.
20 grand.
DOORBELL RINGS
Hiya. Is your husband in, love?
No.
Work.
Late 40s, early 50s, yeah?
Yeah.
He didn't happen to get out of
did he, love? Some time yesterday?
He can't afford taxis.
Will he be in tonight?
Yeah.
See you later, then.
20K. One chip?
Place your bets.
20K plays red.
PHONE RINGS
Yeah? 'A man came round,
It's something to do with the money.
'I said a man came round.
'Answer me!'
CROUPIER: Nine. Red.
It's all right, love.
'Where are you?'
I put it on red...
and it came up red.
Can you put 20,000
And give us a plastic bag, please.
Anyone mobile near the High Street?
Hiya.
Found that in one of your cabs.
20 grand?
Yeah.
Why didn't you hand it in
Why didn't you hand it in yesterday?
Last night, even?
I'm handing it in now.
The driver's in hospital.
The guy who lost this,
I'm sorry.
You prick.
£6.50, pal.
Where's the fucking money?
Where does he fucking live?
MUFFLED SPEECH
GROANS
CHOKES
All rise.
MAN: OK, next to the bridesmaids.
We'd like to keep the groom's family
Can you just stay there?
CHATTER
DIALLING
I should be in that one.
The stench of hypocrisy
I'm the groom's mother, by the way.
Discarded first wife.
Good enough for him
but unsatisfactory
Excuse me, love.
'Hiya'.
Yeah.
What time will you get here?
'About seven, seven-thirty'.
'All right, bye'.
Did you get out of
Yeah.
Then why have you still got her?
Keep your nose out of my business.
Hang on, hang on.
Best man's speech.
Is it a pound per person?
it's a pound per guess,
Oh, and it's from when he stands
MOBILE RINGS
Yeah?
It's all forged, Willy.
What?
Every single note.
I didn't know. I promise.
I know.
'Are you gonna phone the coppers?'
I've got to.
Thanks. Bye.
'I'm making a deal with God'.
'I put it on red, it came up red.
You take that money with you.
The serial numbers are the same.
They're forged.
So, you met Maeve?
My husband's younger model.
Yeah.
Did she go all feminist?
Once.
I said, "Look love, you stole
"Where's the sisterhood in that?"
GLASS CLINKING
Ladies and gentlemen,
APPLAUSE
WHOOPING
Marriage.
You see two people
..and you're jealous.
One of them's your own daughter,
"Why can't I feel
"Why can't I have some of that?"
Thanks!
You know, when me and Carmel
we spent many a night
huddled beneath the sheets,
I thought them nights
..a couple of months ago,
to visit Carmel's brother
and he put us up in a muddie.
That's a shack,
Anyway, one night we went out,
and we got back to the muddie,
THUMPING
A giant bat, circling the room,
on one little bit of exposed flesh,
one little bit of exposed, white,
So that was one more night
huddled beneath the sheets,
It's just a pity that it took
endlessly circling round the room
SILENCE
Well, I thought that was funny.
MIC FEEDBACK
Joe and Laura.
ALL: Joe and Laura.
Willy?
You're not serious.
Have you come for Willy Houlihan?
What's going on?
I've done nothing wrong.
What's going on?
The money was forged.
Look, I didn't forge it,
so I've done nothing wrong.
I'm coming with you.
I'm coming with you!
This only happened because I wanted
to give Laura a good day
You go in there, you tell them
a burst, an emergency. Right?
I've done nothing wrong
I'll be back here in no time.
Go back.
I love you.
What?
I love YOU.
I love you.
Well, I am your wife.
I found 20 grand in a taxi.
Red won.
Course you did, Willy.
Is this the woman you gave
This man says he found £20,000
in one of your taxis
I've never seen him
Please...
PHONE RINGS
Look, I'm sorry about the driver.
Where to?
Five or ten minutes.
I've never seen you before in my
You're lying. I gave you 20 grand!
I came here yesterday
Get in the car. Get in!
Anyone near the bridge?
It's a perfect way
Red or black. Even money.
One day you might lose,
I found it in a taxi.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
The driver!
Sorry? There's
He's there because I found the money
He'll back up everything I say.
Right.
Glaswegian?
45-years-old?
About that. I didn't really
Billy Rafferty.
He's dead, Willy.
What?
He died last night in hospital.
Do I get a phone call or summat?
You can let someone know
Would you like to do that?
Someone?
Yeah.
Just one?
Yeah.
Number?
Good luck, son.
Cheers, everyone.
RINGING TONE
MOBILE RINGS
Hello.
Let me speak to your mam.
Bye! Bye!
Dad.
Hello.
'Fine. They've just got off.'
What's happening?
It's not looking too good, love.
Sorry.
How?
I couldn't.
They allowed you one call?
They allowed you one phone call?
Yeah.
Who did you phone?
Carmel.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
DOOR OPENS
If they find you guilty,
What'll you get?
He was trying
so he gave me
It's not necessarily...
SHE GASPS
I can't do without you
never mind five or six years.
Look, I'm not guilty. Right?
so they'll find me not guilty.
What about you?
The truth?
Yeah.
I thought I could once.
But I was wrong.
I'm not guilty,
JUDGE: Members of the jury,
We are.
Do you find the defendant
of the passing of counterfeit money?
Guilty.
And that is the verdict of you all?
Mr Anderson. Your Honour, my client
A loving husband and father,
no criminal record whatsoever.
He left school at 16,
set up his own company
and has not missed
He's been married for 25 years,
to his wife Carmel and she is here
A truly loving
They have three children,
very recently married with all that
and emotional stress,
All three
And like their mother,
This is a respectable,
and whilst my client understands
that you will have to pass
I would beg you, Your Honour,
to show as much leniency
There is a great irony to all this,
Only months ago
celebrated
This was swiftly followed
These two events were costly.
My client found himself
because he wanted to do his best
Whatever he did, Your Honour,
Thank you.
William Houlihan,
you will go to prison
SOBBING
CRYING CONTINUES