How y'doin'?
I used to be Jimmy Falcone,
a Capo in a New York Crime family -
that's like a vice president of an important company
like IBM or Hooters.
But now I'm Jimmy McDougal
'cause I'm in witness protection...
livin' like a schnook...
in Canada.
See, a while back,
I got word that the bosses put out a contract
on my Uncle Cheech.
Poor guy's been hit on the head a few too many times.
He was blabbin' about all our best stuff.
The Hoffa thing, the Kennedy thing, Scientology.
I had to do sumthin'.
So I got me a sit down with the boss.
Cheech made him a buttload of money over the years
so I figured I could appeal to the man's soft side.
[sound of breaking glass]
You are so [bleep].
JIMMY: He was right, I was [bleep].
I don't know about your business, but in mine,
you can't whack a boss.
Hoh, Rocco! Fatso! Big-nose!
Long time, how ya' punks doin'?
Oh, crap.
[sound of gunfire] The organization went nuts.
These were my best friends from grade school
comin' after me.
We used to shake down the homeless together
just for kicks.
I never thought they'd grow up to be so mean...
...I mean, I had just gotten those windows re-installed
and these sons of bitches knew it!
I didn't know what to do, where to go, who to trust...
So I crossed over to the dark side.
Play ball with us, Jimmy, help us lock away your cronies,
and we'll protect you.
We'll put you somewhere they'll never find you.
Somewhere they won't even think to look.
Somewhere far.And remote.
And cold.Very cold.
Excuse me.
Why's it gotta be cold?
Because cold sucks and we don't like you.
I see the logic in that.
So that's what I did -
ratted out everyone I knew so that my children
could grow up with a father that ain't dead.
And that's how we came to be living here
in Vagina, Saskatchewan.
That's " Regina" ya freakin' moron!
Potato, pa- tah-to,
quit bustin' my balls, I'm talkin' here!
That's my wife, Cookie.
She's a pain in the ass, but I gotta say I love her -
you know, 'cause she's standin' right here.
Anyway, if any of youse think
that startin' a new life in Vagina -
Regina -...is gonna change the Falcones -
McDougal's -...Fugget about it!
♪ Let me tell you something ♪
♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪
♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪
♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪
♪ He take the boss,
♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪
♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob wants him dead ♪
♪ Jimmy had no choice but to talk to the Feds ♪
♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪
♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪
♪ Fugget about it!
Run it by me again.
Canada's bigger but they got ten states, not fifty.
They call 'em provinces, but yeah, ten provinces.
What'd they do with the other forty?
Why ya askin me?!
They're freakin' retards!
Their dollar's a freakin' coin!
And no one knows what it's worth.
Sometimes eighty cents, others ninety!
They say sometimes their dollar's
worth more than a dollar!
That don't even make no sense.
[screeching tires]Sorry!
See that? You cut that chick off and she'ssorry?
Whadya gotta do to get a finger 'round here?
Ah, there's our little angel...
You believe these guys starin' at me like a piece of meat?
But do they hit on me? No.
They're such chickens.
What's so scary about me?
I'm pretty. I'm nice.
And if they just told me what they wanted, I'd do it.
You'd better be joking, Theresa Maria.
And even if you are, I don't want to hear it.
God has given you something sacred
and you're going to keep it to yourself
until you get a ring...
...And as far as why they're afraid to talk to you,
I have no idea.
Look, sweetheart, you can't blame these boys
for having no balls.
They was born'n'raised in Vagina.
Where's your brother?
Oh there he is.
Look at him, Jimmy.
He's makin' friends.
If I don't pass my English paper I'm off the curling team.
So you're gonna write it for me, McDougal.
I'm sorry Gus, but that's cheating.
[thump]What do you think now, eh?
Pretty sure it's still cheating.
Afraid I can't let you do that, Jimmy.
It'll bring too much attention upon yourself.
But having a cop in a red suit up my ass 24/7
is gonna make me blend?
Point taken.
I'll bring it up at the next briefing.
Ah ah ah.
What did we say?
C'mon, they're killin' him!
How's beating 'em to a pulp gonna blow my cover?
It's what any father or butch single mother would do.
Again, point taken.
Wait here.
Gentlemen.
Is there a problem?
Just playing, Officer.
Teaching him hockey, eh.Goofin' around.Eating lunch.
Liars!
They're beating me up
because I won't do their homework!
Oh my God, he's spillin' the beans to a cop.
He's turned into a rat, a squealer, a stoolie!
Oh, what a horrible role model I've been.
Thank you for your honesty, young man.
As for the rest of you, if this happens again,
justice will be swift and severe.
Well, not so much severe as compassionate.
And not swift at all.
But our judges are appointed for life
and that can't be good for you.
Now, on your way.
You see, Jimmy.
The matter was handled peacefully -
with words and idle threats -
that's how we do it here in the Great White North.
When you grasp that fact, your true assimilation will begin.
For Canada and whatever she stands for!
[sound of rifle shot]
[♪]
I don't get it.
Why don't you fight back these bastards?
Hey! Language.
I mean... why don't you fight back
these children born out of wedlock?
As Gandhi said, violence never solves anything.
Petey, my whole life
is based on solving problems with violence.
I'm not like you, Pop. I'm not a Neanderthal.
'Course not, we're Italian.
I mean caveman, Pop. Anthropology.
Uh... language.
I'm finished. Can I go puke now?
Where are your manners, young lady?
You will wait till the rest of us are done
and then you can go puke.
'Evening all.
Ooh, great shiner kid.
Way to go, it's a beaut.
I know, I know, I should see the other guy.
No, he's fine, actually.
I'm ashamed of you, I spit on you.
Petey's gettin' picked on at school.
Oh, in that case, kid, what you need to learn
is the sweet science.
Oh, great, science, they just did anthropology.
Can I pleasego puke?No.
But if I wait too long the food will digest
and then puking won't do me any good at all.
That's just the risk you'll have to take -
and I'm growing very weary of this attitude, Theresa Maria.
Fine! God.
Guys, sweet science -
it's nuthin' to do with science, I'm talking about boxing.
Like I learned you when you was a kid, Jimmy.
Remember?
You was a kind and gentle teacher, Cheech.
I still remember the first time I beat a kid into a coma.
I made a man out of you, I can make a man out of the kid.
We'll take him down to the gym tomorrow, learn him a few moves.
Can I come?
Nah, they don't let broads in gyms.
Go run, make me a sandwich.
[♪]
Gina honey, what is this drawing supposed to be?
What are ya, blind?
It's me stickin' Cheech's head in a bear trap.
But why, sweetheart?
This all started because Cheech was mouthing off.
If he got dead, they'd let us back in New York.
Oh honey, that's so sweet.
But your Daddy sung like a canary -
the mob wants him dead way more than your uncle.
We're stuck here in Canada for good,
so we just better get used to it... eh.
Eh.
Geez!
Why won't the kid hit back?
He's a mutton for punishment!
He's just warmin' up, don't worry -
under all that tree- huggin', love-your-fellow-man atheism,
lies a son of the Roman Empire, a true Falcone.
Shhh. Blend.
A son of the Roman Empire, a true McDougal.
What the [bleep] are you lookin' at?
I'll gouge out your "fuckin' eyeballs
and [bleep] in your [bleep]in' skull!
Nice blend.
Petey! My son! You suck at this.
I never wanted to box, Pop.
You made me box.
But this ain't boxing.
Boxing is two guys hittin' each other.
One guy hittin' another is assault.
Guess no one'll be savin' your whale friends now, eh.
Who's up for a blubber sandwich?
What... did... you... say?
I said I like my whales chopped up
into lil' itty bitty fish sticks.
Whales are mammals, you imbecile!
[glass crashing]
Thoseare fish!
Look at that, Jimmy.
Petey made da kid sleep wit da fishes.
It was fun!
I didn't care so much for the part where he was pummeling me,
but I really loved the end part where I got to hit him.
Seems we found the kid's trigger.
What do you mean "trigger?"
Like how you get when somebody says
Pacino's better than De Niro.
I just wanna kill 'em!
Although "Scent of a Woman" was a fine performance.
Who said that?! I'll kill him!
...Well that's how Petey gets when someone makes fun of that
"women-have-the-right- to-vote" crap that he's into.
I'm sorry Uncle Cheech.
I don't know what came over me.
You see what I mean?
You're a killer, kid.
Don't never apologize.
Okay, sorry.
I gotta say, he's ass- milatin' to Canada
better than any of us.
And you, save it for the next fight.
What next fight?
I'm signin' you up for a real amateur fight!
With this trigger of yours, we're gonna make a mint!
I dunno, violence is wrong...
But I did kinda like it.
Ah, the sweet science of rationalization.
Okay, I'll do it, but on one condition.
Half the proceeds gotta go to "Doctors Without Borders,"
and the other half to an internist
'cause I think I'm bleeding internally.
Relax, son, they got socialized medicine up here.
We can keep it all! [laughs]
Mommy, can I talk to you?
I know how Daddy feels about me dating,
but there's this boy at school I really,
really like and he likes me and it's not fair
that I can't ever go out with anybody.
Don't worry, baby.
Of course you can see this boy.
We'll just keep it our little secret.
So, tell me about him.
What's this boy's name?
Mr. Henderson.What?
He's so cool!
He changed my F to a C.
He said he couldn't make it an A
'cause it would be too suspicious,
so to make it up to me, he gave me this.
Theresa Maria!
You are not sleeping with your teacher!
Of course I'm not! God!
I'm just letting him think I will
to get better grades and jewelry.
What are you, crazy?!
You will end this relationship immediately.
First you say yes, now you say no.
You're such a hypocrite! I hate you!
[sigh] Diamonds.
All I ever got for foolin' around with a teacher was an A.
Yeah, me too.
But then, I went to Catholic school.
[thud]
[loud crash]
There'll be no stopping him.
Ya know, I'm reading up on this kid Petey's fighting next.
He's the top kid in the province, a real killer.
Ah, he don't look so tough.
Okay, he's tough.
But it don't matter.
Petey can take him.
Well you fixed a lot more fights than me,
I'll take your word for it.
Look at him out there.
Gettin' in shape, gettin' some confidence.
Becoming a man.
Just like his dad.
Oooh, is that a sausage in your pocket
or are you just glad to see me?
Nah, it's a sausage.
[horse neighs]
Hey don't look at me.
He who smelt it, dealt it.
Who do you want me to rat out now?
Jimmy, your son has to lose his next fight.
What? No chance! The kid's a natural!
He can go all the way!
That's the problem.
Petey is an unknown fighting the top ranked boy in the province.
If he wins, it's news.
His picture will be in the paper,
your enemies will see it, and find you.
To make matters worse -
purposely achieving notoriety is a drastic violation
of your Witness Protection agreement.
We will no longer be authorized or permitted to protect you.
Oh. I thought you just wanted a piece of the action.
You'll be on your own, Jimmy,
just when you need our help most.
C'mon, lighten up!
It's just a kid's boxing match.
Look, I know you Canadians ain't into boxing
'cos you're all peaceable with your clean air
and apologizing all the time and -
Stop right there, sir!
I'll have you know that during World War II the Canadian army
gained more land mass per individual soldier
than any other army.
Secondly, our major metropolitan areas are just as polluted,
dirty and disgusting as anything you have South of the border.
Don't tell me we got clean air, buddy.
And in terms of apologizing, well, perhaps I did over-react,
and for that I'm sorry.
I'll never get Vagina.
The boy can't win, Jimmy, simple as that.
So do yourself a favor.
For once in your life, follow the rules.
For Canada and whatever she stands for!
[sound of rifle shot]
You all right?
Petey's gotta forfeit.
It's gonna crush him.
How do I tell my little boy
he's gotta stop doing the only thing
he's ever been good at?
Get 'im drunk and a coupl'a whores, he'll be okay with it.
[loud slap]
I'm proud of you, Petey,
ya finally found something you're good at.
Pop, I'm a straight A student.
I meant something that matters.
But son, tomorrow's fight, ya can't win.
I can, Pop.
I've trained hard.
No, Petey, that's not what I mean.
It's just that -
okay, look, I don't think you know the real reason
we came to Vagina,
and it's time you knew the truth.
So it's not because you threw your mob boss out of a nineteen-
story window then ratted out all your lifelong friends
to save your behind like a whiney little school girl?
Okay, so you do know.
But if you win, the feds will take away our protection
and the mob'll find us.
What?
Petey, you gotta do the right thing here.
You gotta show some balls.
Be a quitter.
I only got into boxing to make you proud of me -
but you don't want to be proud of me.
You never did.
Petey...
I could be a contender, Pop, instead of a geek,
which is what I am.
No, it's "bum,"
"instead of a bum which is what I-"
Oh, you mean, you.
You're not quotin' the movie, you're the geek.
That's very clever.
Stop the car.
Where you going?
I'm going to the gym to train!
I'm gonna fight this fight, with no help from you,
and no trigger.
I've sharpened my mind and honed my instincts
and nothing will stop me!
[loud thump]
You ready for this? That's my smartest kid.
[coughing noise]
You always gotta outdo me, dontchya?
Puking is mything!
You got the nerd thing and the politically correct thing
and now the boxing thing.
All I got is bulimia, and you gotta take that away from me!?
Now I got nuthin!
I hate you!
[arch, high-pitched] Ne-ee-ext!
What have I done?
Why so glum, Jimmy-boy?
Our problems are solved.
They are? That's great! How?
I just placed our bet.
Petey's going down and we're the only ones who know about it.
Hack, hack.
Jimmy, you said the kid was gonna "forfeit".
Yeah, but he ain't.
Where'd you get the money anyhow?
I used the nest egg.
You IDIOT!
That's all the money I saved from the old life!
Now we's gonna be on the lamb, andbroke!
Jimmy, we won't be broke.
We can't lose.
As long as we don't pull the trigger on the kid,
he's gonna get pulverized!
That's my son, ya moron!
Your nephew!
You want him to get pulverized?
Well... it is a lot of money.
Okay, okay, then we gotta change the kid's mind.
I tried.
He won't listen to reason.
Then we lean on him, old school.
Threaten his family.
This time I ain't lettin' you up.
Daddy! Daddy!
Be right in, princess!
I gotta go talk to my little girl.
You stay here and finish the job.
You mean drown myself? Why would I-
Hey, I do stuff for you all the time.
I axe this one little thing -
Okay, okay.
Ya don't gotta make a federal case out of it.
[choking noise]
Whatsamatter Princess, got a problem?
Well, let's say someone had an uncle
and they wanted to whack him,
but their Mom said they can't 'cause-
Sweetie, you still lookin' to whack your Uncle Cheech?
That won't help nuthin'.
No, no not me.
This is for a friend of mine, uh...
Nancy.
And, and she wants to whack her Uncle, uh...
Nancy.
And she asked me for advice so I said I'd ask my dad
'cause he's the smartest guy in the whole world
when it comes to whacking people.
And the handsomest.
Sweetie, it's not about looks.
But thank you.
The important thing is, I get assigned a hit,
someone's getting it up the Aste Spumanti.
Jimmy! Language!
What? It's not like I said [bleep]!
You just did!
No I didn't. I said Aste Spumanti...
You said "Ass" after that,
ya mother[bleep] [bleep]suckin' [bleep]hole!
Cookie, you're breakin' my [bleep]!
Swear in front of our little girl again,
will cut your [bleep] off and stick 'em up your [bleep]!
I don't wanna raise no [bleep]in' potty- mouth.
Okay!
Gina, Daddy's sorry.
But it's good you came to me with this thing.
Remember, family is the only thing you can count on.
Can I at least -No.
I hate you!
I can't believe we're in this mess.
There's gotta be a way to fix it.
Think! What would Don Gambini do?
Are you kidding?
He'd whack the kid, whack the Mountie,
then have a nice Chianti with his show- girl mistress.
Yeah - he was a great man.
Funny how you only come to appreciate someone
afteryou kill 'em.
Where the hell's Petey?
Gina told me what he's about to do.
No way I'm gonna let him fight that kid.
He'll get killed.
Well, maybe just crippled.
Petey! Get your dumb ass out here!
We're goin' home!
Why didn't I come up with that?
Et tu, brute?
Yeah, me friggin' brute!
Get your ass in the car!
No Mother. I'm doing this.
I don't need a trigger, I don't need anyone.
I'll win on my own, and, Mother,
I'm very disappointed in your Latin.
Petey, wait!
You can't go out there.
You'll get killed.
I know I've been a bitch lately...
Go on.
That's all.
You know what burns me!
At the apex of my moment of glory,
you're all trying to stop me.
So if none of you care about my needs,
why should I care about yours!?
What a drama queen.
[crowd noise]
[bell rings]
Fall down ya friggin' moron!
Is that a way to talk to your son?
Well then you say sumthin'!
Fall down and count to ten ya friggin' moron!
No! Wait two more rounds!
We make an extra c-note
if he goes down in the third.
Just couldn't let them whack him, could you?
No, you had to be the big man and fix it all.
Oh big man, you're such a big man, big man.
Okay, I screwed up!
He should be dead!
And it's my fault that he's not!
Can we let it go already?
You guys do know that I'm standing right here, right?
One! Two! Three!
Stay down!Stay down!
Get up! Get up!
Baby, I can't take this no more.
I can't take this no more neither.
We good?
We good.
We're in this together, always have been, always will.
Hate crime legislation is for pussies!
Noooooooooo!
Must protect minorities.
Must punish those who kill because of skin color
or sexual orientation...
But wait...
Murder is already a punishable offense.
So hate crime laws aren't punishing the act,
but the thought.
But the state shouldn't be allowed to decide
what are appropriate thoughts.
But persecuted minorities need our protection.
But we must keep the state out of our heads!
I don't know!
Could it be that not everything is black and white?
That we all must, from time to time,
listen to opposing points of view?
I don't know! I don't know!
Eh, what the heck.
[crowd roars, bell rings]
He lost!
Jimmy! He took a dive! He lost!
I couldn't be more -
Just gimme a second, turn away.
And justice is served.
Sorta... I think.
No, it is, it's okay.
Good job, me.
Gotta hand it to you, Petey.
You stood up to everyone, including me.
Even scarier than that, your mother.
But in the end, you came through and you cheated...
for the family.
I just realized that, as Kant said,
there's a moral shade of gray in which we all must consider
how other people-
'Kay, we don't really care about the thought process?
We're proud?
So just leave it there and shut up?
Petey, I never doubted you.
You're my big brother and I always count on you
to do the right thing.
So I bet on you to win, ya dumb wop!
Every penny I had!
[Jimmy laughs]
And that's our story.
Pretty good, huh?
But if you think that's the only story we got,
us Falcones, living as McDougal's,
in the great municipality of Vagina, well...
Fugget about it!
Daddy, that's such a cheesey ending.
I'm just trying to get 'em back for next week.
You wanna get 'em back for next week?
Here's how you get 'em back for next week...
What are you, crazy? Go to your room!
God. That's like so unfair.