1
00:00:01,609 --> 00:00:03,611
How y'doin'?

2
00:00:03,611 --> 00:00:05,004
I used to be Jimmy Falcone,
a capo in the Gambini family.

3
00:00:05,004 --> 00:00:07,833
Now I'm Jimmy McDougal,

4
00:00:07,833 --> 00:00:10,662
living in witness protection,
like a schnook.

5
00:00:10,662 --> 00:00:13,578
But I gotta admit, sometimes
I can't help but wonder

6
00:00:13,578 --> 00:00:15,754
if it ain't
my own damn fault.

7
00:00:15,754 --> 00:00:18,974
You see, a while back I needed
to ask the Don for a favour...

8
00:00:18,974 --> 00:00:23,718
Ah, buona notte, sweet fishie.

9
00:00:23,718 --> 00:00:25,459
Don Gambini, I come to
you on my knees

10
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:29,115
to ask you to call off
the hit on my Uncle Cheech.

11
00:00:29,115 --> 00:00:30,377
Cheech, he talks a lot,
but he don't mean no -

12
00:00:30,377 --> 00:00:33,076
No!

13
00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:35,643
By the way, not easy keeping
the Don in one piece.

14
00:00:35,643 --> 00:00:37,906
He was a great man, a
brilliant criminal mind,

15
00:00:37,906 --> 00:00:40,561
but kind of a spaz.

16
00:00:40,561 --> 00:00:42,302
[roar]

17
00:00:42,302 --> 00:00:44,913
As I was saying, Cheech
don't mean no harm.

18
00:00:44,913 --> 00:00:47,568
He's just a little light in
the cranial region and-

19
00:00:47,568 --> 00:00:48,787
Hey, Jimmy, look at
that storm brewin'.

20
00:00:48,787 --> 00:00:50,223
Is that lightning?

21
00:00:50,223 --> 00:00:53,226
Son of a bitch!
It is lightning!

22
00:00:53,226 --> 00:00:56,316
[thunder crack]

23
00:00:56,316 --> 00:01:05,543
[waltz plays]

24
00:01:05,543 --> 00:01:08,937
Jimmy, that better be
a gun in your pocket.

25
00:01:08,937 --> 00:01:11,505
I beg your forgiveness,
Don Gambini.

26
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,290
But as I was saying,
Godfather,

27
00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:14,334
my Uncle Cheech
is a good man,

28
00:01:14,334 --> 00:01:17,468
always been a good
earner for you,

29
00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:19,774
and if you could only
show him some mercy -

30
00:01:19,774 --> 00:01:23,256
Jimmy, you come to me
on a good day.

31
00:01:23,256 --> 00:01:24,823
I received news today

32
00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:27,826
that my beautiful
daughter Tina is to wed.

33
00:01:27,826 --> 00:01:32,526
On this day, I am a happy man,
filled with much love.

34
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,572
Does this mean you'll give my
Uncle Cheech another chance?

35
00:01:34,572 --> 00:01:36,400
No, that ship
has sailed.

36
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,792
But what it means

37
00:01:37,792 --> 00:01:40,143
is that you may bring your
family to the wedding,

38
00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:42,188
especially
that daughter of yours,

39
00:01:42,188 --> 00:01:45,060
that Theresa -
what a piece of ass!

40
00:01:48,716 --> 00:01:51,458
So like I said, sometimes
I can't help but wonder

41
00:01:51,458 --> 00:01:53,939
if it all ain't
my own damn fault...

42
00:01:53,939 --> 00:01:56,246
'Cause that's why we wound up
in witness protection

43
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:58,378
here in Vagina -Regina -

44
00:01:58,378 --> 00:01:59,727
Saskatchewan.

45
00:01:59,727 --> 00:02:01,860
But if you think I'm gonna
beat myself up over it...

46
00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:04,210
Fugget about it.

47
00:02:04,210 --> 00:02:05,472
♪ Let me tell
you something ♪

48
00:02:05,472 --> 00:02:08,127
♪ 'bout a friend
or ours named Jimmy ♪

49
00:02:08,127 --> 00:02:11,086
♪ made the Wiseguy and
the Capo with Gambini ♪

50
00:02:11,086 --> 00:02:13,088
♪ When he found out they'd
be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

51
00:02:13,088 --> 00:02:15,395
♪ He take the boss,

52
00:02:15,395 --> 00:02:17,267
♪ He threw him from
the 19th floor suite ♪

53
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:20,270
♪ Wasn't much long
'til the mob wants him dead ♪

54
00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:23,273
♪ So Jimmy had no choice
but to talk to all the Feds ♪

55
00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:26,319
♪ the Feds say they have to
take and use him as a pawn ♪

56
00:02:26,319 --> 00:02:28,887
♪ So he ratted out his friends
and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

57
00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:30,236
♪ Fugget about it

58
00:02:30,236 --> 00:02:31,803
♪ Fugget about it

59
00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:32,934
♪ Fugget about it

60
00:02:32,934 --> 00:02:34,240
Oh!
Fugget about it!

61
00:02:37,852 --> 00:02:38,766
PETEY: Pop,
I'm just fifteen.

62
00:02:38,766 --> 00:02:41,073
Why do I have to
learn to drive now?

63
00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,901
Because driving
is what men do.

64
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:45,469
My father taught me how
to drive a getaway car.

65
00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:47,558
His father taught him how
to drive a getaway car.

66
00:02:47,558 --> 00:02:49,342
And his father was run
over by a getaway car.

67
00:02:49,342 --> 00:02:52,563
Is this supposed
to convince me?

68
00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:55,783
Petey, there's nothing better
in the world than driving.

69
00:02:55,783 --> 00:02:57,568
Well... drinking.

70
00:02:57,568 --> 00:03:00,266
Drinking and driving.
But not together!

71
00:03:00,266 --> 00:03:02,877
You don't drink and drive,
you Stugatz!

72
00:03:02,877 --> 00:03:05,053
You know, I wasn't
gonna bring this up,

73
00:03:05,053 --> 00:03:07,055
but since you're into
this whole bonding thing,

74
00:03:07,055 --> 00:03:08,492
my school's having
a father-son

75
00:03:08,492 --> 00:03:09,101
recycle drive
this Friday.

76
00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:11,582
Will you come with me?

77
00:03:11,582 --> 00:03:13,497
Listen Petey, I'm pretty sure
I have something on Friday.

78
00:03:13,497 --> 00:03:16,674
I just haven't made up
what it is yet.

79
00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:19,590
Now, come on, make like
we're being chased by cops!

80
00:03:19,590 --> 00:03:20,895
Alright, alright.
Give me the keys.

81
00:03:20,895 --> 00:03:23,202
Pfft. Keys.

82
00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:28,816
[engine starts]

83
00:03:28,816 --> 00:03:31,732
[tires screeching]

84
00:03:32,777 --> 00:03:34,822
Okay, what we'll do
now is called

85
00:03:34,822 --> 00:03:35,997
"fleeing the scene
of a crime."

86
00:03:35,997 --> 00:03:38,652
Drive! Drive! Drive!

87
00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:46,878
The nuclear powered engine.

88
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:49,010
Not my best idea.

89
00:03:49,010 --> 00:03:50,403
What do we do?

90
00:03:50,403 --> 00:03:52,579
This is a very delicate
situation, son.

91
00:03:52,579 --> 00:03:55,060
Just follow my lead.

92
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,628
Ow! Ow!
My neck! My neck!

93
00:03:57,628 --> 00:04:00,021
Oh my God! Pop!
That's Richard Wheatthin!

94
00:04:00,021 --> 00:04:01,458
One of the richest
men in the world.

95
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:03,547
Really?
In that case...

96
00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:05,244
My neck! My back!
My knee!

97
00:04:05,244 --> 00:04:07,812
You're Richard
Wheatthin!

98
00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:09,248
Yes, I'm afraid I am.

99
00:04:09,248 --> 00:04:11,381
Computer genius,
inventor,

100
00:04:11,381 --> 00:04:13,426
world renowned
wildlife photographer!

101
00:04:13,426 --> 00:04:15,515
I'm also a licensed
manicurist.

102
00:04:15,515 --> 00:04:16,734
Few people know that.

103
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:17,865
I'm Petey McDougal.

104
00:04:17,865 --> 00:04:19,214
This is such an honour!

105
00:04:19,214 --> 00:04:19,911
I saw you compete at
the Winter X Games!

106
00:04:19,911 --> 00:04:22,130
You were awesome!

107
00:04:22,130 --> 00:04:23,349
I guess.

108
00:04:23,349 --> 00:04:25,133
If we live in a world
where silver medals

109
00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:27,005
are considered awesome.

110
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:28,833
Where I come from it's
still third place.

111
00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,487
Uh...

112
00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:33,272
this is Jimmy, my
parent and/or guardian.

113
00:04:33,272 --> 00:04:34,969
Easy.

114
00:04:34,969 --> 00:04:35,970
I just been in a
terrible wreck.

115
00:04:35,970 --> 00:04:38,146
You hit me.

116
00:04:38,146 --> 00:04:40,105
Okay, we'll call it even.

117
00:04:40,105 --> 00:04:40,975
Actually, I should thank you.

118
00:04:40,975 --> 00:04:42,847
I was about to go
into production

119
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:44,239
with that
nuclear engine.

120
00:04:44,239 --> 00:04:45,676
Well, nice meeting you.

121
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:48,026
Pop, the least you can do
is give the man a ride.

122
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:49,549
No, I can do less.

123
00:04:49,549 --> 00:04:50,855
I live just up the hill.

124
00:04:52,247 --> 00:04:54,598
Oh alright...
Come on.

125
00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:56,774
This guy just takes and takes.

126
00:04:56,774 --> 00:04:59,820
Your cuticles look
very healthy, Jimmy.

127
00:04:59,820 --> 00:05:03,258
You can just say the barn
door is open, but thanks.

128
00:05:03,258 --> 00:05:04,825
COOKIE:
Okay, over just a smidge!

129
00:05:04,825 --> 00:05:06,436
L'il more!

130
00:05:06,436 --> 00:05:07,654
I want his thingy pointin'
to the front door!

131
00:05:07,654 --> 00:05:11,092
It's classy, but
also informational.

132
00:05:13,268 --> 00:05:14,574
[horse neighs]

133
00:05:14,574 --> 00:05:16,141
Cookie, I need a word.

134
00:05:20,101 --> 00:05:23,757
Well if it ain't my
Special Agent McCool.

135
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,324
[chuckles]

136
00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:26,717
Look how handsome
you look

137
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:30,460
in your shiny red uniform
all pressed and clean...

138
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:32,287
and... Ooh...
Have you been working out?

139
00:05:32,287 --> 00:05:35,334
Where do you get
guns like these?

140
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:36,770
My gun was issued
at headquarters.

141
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,206
I know that's not what you
meant but I felt it prudent

142
00:05:38,206 --> 00:05:40,948
to change the subject.

143
00:05:40,948 --> 00:05:42,123
And I'm here to tell you

144
00:05:42,123 --> 00:05:44,517
that you cannot keep this
statue on your lawn.

145
00:05:44,517 --> 00:05:47,259
Why not?
This is some fancy s---.

146
00:05:47,259 --> 00:05:50,175
For one, a Canadian family would
never possess such a thing,

147
00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:51,785
and its medium-sized
genitalia

148
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,134
is a neighbourhood
distraction.

149
00:05:53,134 --> 00:05:55,049
Medium?
Hello...

150
00:05:55,049 --> 00:05:57,791
Boy-oh-boy!

151
00:05:57,791 --> 00:06:00,228
...Can you imagine having
a jablom like that

152
00:06:00,228 --> 00:06:02,405
and no freakin' arms
to get at it?

153
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:05,799
I mean, c'mon,
McCool, guy-to-guy,

154
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,105
if you were him

155
00:06:07,105 --> 00:06:09,107
and you couldn't give it a
little tug now and then,

156
00:06:09,107 --> 00:06:11,065
you'd wanna kill
yourself...

157
00:06:11,065 --> 00:06:13,981
but ya couldn't
'cause ya got no arms!

158
00:06:13,981 --> 00:06:14,895
I'm leaving now,
Uncle Cheech.

159
00:06:14,895 --> 00:06:17,028
And I shall trust
you can understand

160
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:18,769
why I won't
shake your hand.

161
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:20,379
COOKIE:
Resident, resident,

162
00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:21,946
bill, resident.

163
00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:23,817
Yay!
Victoria's Secret catalogue!

164
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:26,690
Cookie, you cannot throw
away your neighbors' mail.

165
00:06:26,690 --> 00:06:28,648
That is an indictable offense!

166
00:06:28,648 --> 00:06:32,870
Cheese and whiskers, this is
someone's Baby Bonus check!

167
00:06:32,870 --> 00:06:34,306
What kind of check now?

168
00:06:35,873 --> 00:06:37,657
A Baby Bonus check, Gina.

169
00:06:37,657 --> 00:06:40,660
It's Canada's gift to the
parents of all children.

170
00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:42,009
Go on, Chief.

171
00:06:42,009 --> 00:06:44,272
It was instituted
after World War Two

172
00:06:44,272 --> 00:06:46,971
to reduce financial stress
on soldiers' families.

173
00:06:46,971 --> 00:06:49,582
Australia has the same
Baby Bonus policy,

174
00:06:49,582 --> 00:06:51,976
but theirs is racist to ensure
white control of the country,

175
00:06:51,976 --> 00:06:53,760
so not really the same at all.

176
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:56,763
And who's eligible
for this Baby Bonus?

177
00:06:56,763 --> 00:06:59,679
All parents of
children under seven.

178
00:06:59,679 --> 00:07:02,769
My mother got the Baby Bonus
for me and she always said,

179
00:07:02,769 --> 00:07:05,163
"I don't need money
for this child.

180
00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:07,557
I would pay to have
a child this good."

181
00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:08,775
And we would laugh and
she would hold me...

182
00:07:08,775 --> 00:07:12,910
...and then we'd make
pancakes and cry

183
00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:15,478
because Daddy loved boxed
wine and pornography.

184
00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:16,609
But I say too much.

185
00:07:18,132 --> 00:07:22,093
For Canada, and the fact
that we're not Australia!

186
00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:23,529
[sonic boom]

187
00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:28,578
Most of the art is
my own, of course.

188
00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:31,624
I paint what I feel
and feel what I paint.

189
00:07:31,624 --> 00:07:35,498
So you feel like a clown
riding a blue wolf?

190
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,978
Sometimes Jimmy, sometimes.

191
00:07:40,415 --> 00:07:42,461
I see you enjoy tennis.

192
00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:43,810
No, those are snowshoes.

193
00:07:43,810 --> 00:07:45,420
One of my many passions.

194
00:07:45,420 --> 00:07:47,161
I once spent an
entire winter

195
00:07:47,161 --> 00:07:49,512
lost in the forests
of Manitoba,

196
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:52,689
with nothing but those snowshoes
and a People Magazine.

197
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,865
The magazine meant nothing,
of course, but those shoes...

198
00:07:54,865 --> 00:07:57,215
those shoes saved my life.

199
00:07:57,215 --> 00:07:58,608
Science was your first love,
though, right, Mr. Wheatthin?

200
00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:00,784
Same as me?

201
00:08:00,784 --> 00:08:02,437
Yes Petey, same as you.

202
00:08:02,437 --> 00:08:03,917
Well, we should
get going, Petey.

203
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:05,266
We got that thing.

204
00:08:05,266 --> 00:08:06,311
What thing?

205
00:08:06,311 --> 00:08:07,573
You know, the thing.

206
00:08:07,573 --> 00:08:09,053
The old...
thingy-thing-thing.

207
00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:10,794
What are you talking about?

208
00:08:10,794 --> 00:08:12,752
I think if I'm reading
your father correctly,

209
00:08:12,752 --> 00:08:16,364
he wants to leave because
he is very very bored.

210
00:08:16,364 --> 00:08:18,932
Yes. Thank you.
That thing.

211
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:19,890
C'mon, Pop.

212
00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:21,369
Can't we just stay
a little longer?

213
00:08:21,369 --> 00:08:22,283
I want to see the science lab.

214
00:08:22,283 --> 00:08:25,460
You do have a
science lab, right?

215
00:08:25,460 --> 00:08:28,463
Why, they'd take away my
nerd card if I didn't.

216
00:08:28,463 --> 00:08:31,118
You have a nerd card?

217
00:08:31,118 --> 00:08:33,251
Come on Petey,
I gotta get back.

218
00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:35,253
Maybe Mr. Wheatthin could
give me a ride home.

219
00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:37,777
Is that all right with you,
Mr. Wheatthin?

220
00:08:37,777 --> 00:08:39,866
Sure, if it's okay
with your father.

221
00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:41,476
Lemme think
about this -

222
00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:51,008
Get out of my bedroom!

223
00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:53,488
There's something you
don't say very often.

224
00:08:53,488 --> 00:08:55,969
Have you ever thought
about being a mother?

225
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,536
I've had some scares.
Why?

226
00:08:57,536 --> 00:08:59,756
How would you like
to rip off the government

227
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,540
and get something
for nothing?

228
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:03,281
Sounds like something
I might be interested in.

229
00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:06,763
It's called the Baby Bonus.

230
00:09:06,763 --> 00:09:08,939
Go-od, I'm not
gonna have a baby.

231
00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:11,594
Have you seen what having a
baby does to a female body?

232
00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:13,857
I mean, I love mom,
but look at her.

233
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:15,728
You don't have
to have a baby.

234
00:09:15,728 --> 00:09:18,339
All you have to do is pretend
to be my mother

235
00:09:18,339 --> 00:09:20,298
and we get a government
check every two weeks.

236
00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:25,259
What do ya mean pretend?
Like acting?

237
00:09:25,259 --> 00:09:27,827
Yeah, like a movie star.

238
00:09:27,827 --> 00:09:29,394
I could do that.

239
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,004
But I won't do nudity.

240
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,702
Unless it's intrinsic
to the character,

241
00:09:32,702 --> 00:09:33,659
and tastefully done.

242
00:09:33,659 --> 00:09:36,531
So I'm thinking a
sixty-forty split,

243
00:09:36,531 --> 00:09:38,272
I get the sixty-five
'cause I came up with it,

244
00:09:38,272 --> 00:09:40,057
so you good with thirty?

245
00:09:41,275 --> 00:09:42,102
How'd it go with
Petey's driving?

246
00:09:42,102 --> 00:09:44,757
The kid's hopeless.

247
00:09:44,757 --> 00:09:46,106
I gotta ask you
something, Cook.

248
00:09:46,106 --> 00:09:47,499
Be honest.
Is he mine?

249
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:50,894
Jimmy, sometimes I'm
not even sure he's mine.

250
00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:52,199
So where is he?

251
00:09:52,199 --> 00:09:53,679
I left him out at some
jillionaire's house

252
00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:55,159
in the country.

253
00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:57,770
Petey ran him off the road so
we drove him to his mansion

254
00:09:57,770 --> 00:09:59,119
and it had all kinds
of stuff the kid liked.

255
00:09:59,119 --> 00:10:01,731
Are you out of your mind!

256
00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:03,689
You left a
teenage boy

257
00:10:03,689 --> 00:10:05,996
with some strange man
you know nothing about,

258
00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:09,086
who has toys and gadgets to
lure young boys to his compound?

259
00:10:09,086 --> 00:10:11,088
Well, when you put it
like that it sounds bad.

260
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:14,874
[loud engine]

261
00:10:14,874 --> 00:10:17,703
Mom, Dad, I can drive!
It's so easy!

262
00:10:17,703 --> 00:10:18,399
Watch!

263
00:10:37,636 --> 00:10:39,812
I hope you don't mind that
I gave him a quick lesson.

264
00:10:39,812 --> 00:10:42,075
How the hell did
you learn so fast?

265
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,337
Well, why didn't you just tell
me that the spark plug

266
00:10:43,337 --> 00:10:46,906
ignites the air/fuel mixture
so that combustion can occur,

267
00:10:46,906 --> 00:10:49,213
and that the intake and
exhaust valves open

268
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:50,823
at just the right moment
for the engine to fire?

269
00:10:50,823 --> 00:10:52,912
Man, what else
didn't you tell me?

270
00:10:52,912 --> 00:10:55,219
Uh... always check
your mirrors.

271
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,003
Let's drive some more, okay?

272
00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:58,396
Of course son,
I'd love to.

273
00:10:58,396 --> 00:10:59,353
Lemme just get my -

274
00:11:03,444 --> 00:11:06,186
He's a better
father than I am.

275
00:11:06,186 --> 00:11:08,754
He's also taller and
richer than you are.

276
00:11:08,754 --> 00:11:10,103
I swear to God
that just slipped.

277
00:11:13,541 --> 00:11:15,195
Great breakfast, Cookie.

278
00:11:15,195 --> 00:11:16,719
Sure is.

279
00:11:16,719 --> 00:11:20,157
They say breakfast is the most
important meal of the morning.

280
00:11:20,157 --> 00:11:22,594
Mr. Wheatthin says a man could
survive on a grain of sand

281
00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:23,638
for two weeks
if he had to.

282
00:11:23,638 --> 00:11:25,902
Yeah, if he doesn't
mind love handles.

283
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,338
Anyway Ma, we gotta run.

284
00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:28,905
I'm taking Gina to the mall.

285
00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:30,602
Aw, that fills my heart.

286
00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:34,301
Two sisters spending the
day together shopping.

287
00:11:34,301 --> 00:11:38,392
Since we moved here, I never
get to see my sainted sister -

288
00:11:38,392 --> 00:11:40,612
that painted ho -
I miss her so.

289
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:41,874
Here she goes.

290
00:11:41,874 --> 00:11:44,137
Time for the waterworks.

291
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,748
Boo-hoo-hoo.

292
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:47,924
You will not disrespect
your grandmother that way.

293
00:11:47,924 --> 00:11:50,317
You're not my mother,
you're my sister.

294
00:11:50,317 --> 00:11:53,146
Don't talk back to me,
young lady.

295
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,626
You know, Mr. Wheatthin
and his sister

296
00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:56,019
have a variety show in England.

297
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:59,718
Jeez, Petey, can we talk about
something else for a change?

298
00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:01,024
How's about football?

299
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:02,721
Sure.

300
00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:04,157
Did you know that
Mr. Wheatthin's

301
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,680
great grandfather
invented football?

302
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,117
Every time somebody
throws a pass

303
00:12:07,117 --> 00:12:07,944
his family gets
six dollars.

304
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:10,207
You're killin' me, Petey.

305
00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:11,991
On and on about this guy.

306
00:12:11,991 --> 00:12:13,776
It's not like the man can fly.

307
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:18,389
Just invented it.
It runs on beetle dung.

308
00:12:18,389 --> 00:12:19,912
I've got one for you, Petey!

309
00:12:25,831 --> 00:12:29,704
That's the gayest thing
I ever seen in my life,

310
00:12:29,704 --> 00:12:30,270
and I watch "Glee".

311
00:12:35,623 --> 00:12:37,321
OMG!

312
00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:40,237
It says here we could go to
prison for committing fra-ood.

313
00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:41,629
That's "fraud".

314
00:12:41,629 --> 00:12:43,240
And only if you get caught.

315
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,807
I can't go to prison, Gina!

316
00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:46,460
Those guys would
go crazy for me!

317
00:12:46,460 --> 00:12:48,941
It would be a women's
prison, numbnuts.

318
00:12:48,941 --> 00:12:50,377
Even worse!

319
00:12:50,377 --> 00:12:51,248
I'd have to chop off my
hair and buy a flannel.

320
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:54,207
Take it easy,
no one's going to jail

321
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:56,862
because you are
a great actress.

322
00:12:56,862 --> 00:12:57,732
Right, right, right, I forgot.

323
00:12:57,732 --> 00:12:59,822
Okay, lemme get
into character.

324
00:13:00,779 --> 00:13:03,564
WOMAN:
Theresa McDougal!

325
00:13:03,564 --> 00:13:05,740
Here we go.

326
00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:07,177
Say it.

327
00:13:07,177 --> 00:13:09,005
Oh, for the love of God...

328
00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:10,310
Action!

329
00:13:13,531 --> 00:13:14,314
I am Theresa McDougal.

330
00:13:14,314 --> 00:13:16,273
This is my
daughter Gina.

331
00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:17,927
We are residents
of Canada

332
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:20,103
and have never
collected the Baby Bonus

333
00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:24,716
because I was working in
the Peace Corporation

334
00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:29,808
helping to feed the Indigo
people of Del Taco.

335
00:13:29,808 --> 00:13:31,941
I'm deaf as a stone, dear!

336
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,986
I just assign the numbers!

337
00:13:33,986 --> 00:13:35,945
Over there!

338
00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,903
Now you know why it says

339
00:13:37,903 --> 00:13:40,079
"Do not write on this
part of the form".

340
00:13:40,079 --> 00:13:41,211
Mama?

341
00:13:47,739 --> 00:13:49,219
Jimmy are you okay?

342
00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:50,437
It looks like there
was a hit in here.

343
00:13:50,437 --> 00:13:51,569
There wasn't, was there?Naw!

344
00:13:51,569 --> 00:13:55,094
Come on, Cook, what do
you think, I'm an animal?

345
00:13:55,094 --> 00:13:57,096
I only whack people
in the garage.

346
00:13:57,096 --> 00:13:58,489
So what's going on?

347
00:13:58,489 --> 00:14:00,317
You only make sauce
when you're upset.

348
00:14:00,317 --> 00:14:02,362
Aw, Cookie, I'm like
a open book to you.

349
00:14:02,362 --> 00:14:04,234
It's like you open
a book and go,

350
00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:07,150
"Jeez, there's Jimmy
in a book!"

351
00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:08,412
What is it, Big Man?

352
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:10,283
Okay, it's just that...

353
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:12,372
Petey's hanging out with
his new fancy friend

354
00:14:12,372 --> 00:14:14,766
and I feel like
I been replaced.

355
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:16,811
You ain't been replaced,
ya big dope.

356
00:14:16,811 --> 00:14:18,509
Petey looks up to you.

357
00:14:18,509 --> 00:14:20,815
If you want your boy back,
you take him back.

358
00:14:20,815 --> 00:14:22,513
Good news, Pop.

359
00:14:22,513 --> 00:14:24,950
I invited Mr. Wheatthin to
the father-son recycle drive.

360
00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:25,951
He said yes,
so you're off the hook.

361
00:14:25,951 --> 00:14:28,171
Aren't you happy?

362
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:30,913
No I am not happy, Petey.

363
00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:32,044
You are my only son

364
00:14:32,044 --> 00:14:34,133
and I will not allow
you to go without me.

365
00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:35,961
But I already
invited him.

366
00:14:35,961 --> 00:14:37,920
Then un-invite him.

367
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,878
I can't!Then I will.

368
00:14:39,878 --> 00:14:41,706
It's time for me to
stand up like a man.

369
00:14:41,706 --> 00:14:45,405
I will be your escort
to the father-son dance!

370
00:14:45,405 --> 00:14:47,494
It's not a dance!

371
00:14:47,494 --> 00:14:48,452
Then why did
I buy this corsage?

372
00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:55,981
[gasp]

373
00:14:55,981 --> 00:14:57,113
You comfortable?

374
00:14:57,113 --> 00:14:59,680
Can I get you anything?

375
00:15:02,248 --> 00:15:05,817
There seems to be some
confusion in your file.

376
00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:07,732
What's your name,
sweetheart?

377
00:15:07,732 --> 00:15:09,299
Theresa McDougal.

378
00:15:09,299 --> 00:15:11,649
WHERE WERE YOU BORN?Aaahhhhhhhh.

379
00:15:11,649 --> 00:15:13,259
Don't mess with
us, baby-cakes.

380
00:15:13,259 --> 00:15:15,348
Your so called daughter's being
questioned in the other room

381
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,307
and she's singin'
like a canary.

382
00:15:17,307 --> 00:15:19,700
So I'll ask you
one last time.

383
00:15:19,700 --> 00:15:22,094
Where were you born?

384
00:15:22,094 --> 00:15:24,749
Caaaa-naaa-daaa?

385
00:15:24,749 --> 00:15:26,098
Alright.
Good enough.

386
00:15:26,098 --> 00:15:27,795
Let's go get
your check.

387
00:15:27,795 --> 00:15:32,061
So you know for next time,
you can do this online.

388
00:15:35,455 --> 00:15:38,981
Look, you seem like a nice
guy but Petey is my son,

389
00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:42,114
which makes me his father,
which means I'm the one

390
00:15:42,114 --> 00:15:43,724
who should take him to the
father/son whatchamacallit.

391
00:15:43,724 --> 00:15:45,596
Look, I don't want to
step on anyone's toes,

392
00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:49,078
but recycling is one
of my pet projects.

393
00:15:49,078 --> 00:15:50,035
I invented the blue bin.

394
00:15:50,035 --> 00:15:52,342
Few people know that.

395
00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:53,908
Why don't we both take him?

396
00:15:53,908 --> 00:15:56,172
No son of mine is showing up
with two daddies

397
00:15:56,172 --> 00:15:58,478
at something as important
as a whatchamacallit.

398
00:15:58,478 --> 00:16:00,002
Well, I already told him yes.

399
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:01,829
I can't say no now.

400
00:16:01,829 --> 00:16:03,527
You can if I tell you to.

401
00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,181
You will if I tell ya to.

402
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:06,704
And I'm tellin' ya to!

403
00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:07,879
No, I don't think so, Jimmy.

404
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:10,795
I don't think you know
who you're dealing with.

405
00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:13,885
Since you brought it up, you
do look kind of familiar.

406
00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:17,149
Okay, I didn't want
to have to do this...

407
00:16:17,149 --> 00:16:18,020
Oh my God!

408
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:21,240
You're Jimmy Falcone!

409
00:16:23,938 --> 00:16:24,417
Alright...
you can take the kid.

410
00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:28,334
I am not Jimmy Falcone.

411
00:16:28,334 --> 00:16:30,075
I don't even know
who that is.

412
00:16:30,075 --> 00:16:32,469
Of course you are.

413
00:16:32,469 --> 00:16:34,862
Come here, I want to
show you something.

414
00:16:34,862 --> 00:16:36,255
I've always been
a mafia nut.

415
00:16:36,255 --> 00:16:38,040
I totally followed
your trial.

416
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:42,435
So I'm dying to know, when you
whacked Sammy the Sparrow,

417
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,698
did you really
use a lead pipe?

418
00:16:44,698 --> 00:16:47,658
No, it was an axe handle,
and I am not Jimmy Falcone!

419
00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:49,442
And was your Uncle Cheech
really the wheel man

420
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:52,228
on the Altomonte
Foods heist?

421
00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:54,099
Nah, it was Nicky the Nail.

422
00:16:54,099 --> 00:16:56,493
It was supposed to be Cheech,
but he was holed up in a hotel

423
00:16:56,493 --> 00:16:58,625
in Jersey with a
schoolteacher he met.

424
00:16:58,625 --> 00:16:59,583
Funny story, really, -

425
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:03,717
I mean,
I am not Jimmy Falcone!

426
00:17:03,717 --> 00:17:06,546
I can't believe I didn't
recognize you right away.

427
00:17:06,546 --> 00:17:08,331
Alright, fine.
You got me.

428
00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:09,810
What do ya' want?

429
00:17:09,810 --> 00:17:11,595
I want us to be
friends, Jimmy.

430
00:17:12,204 --> 00:17:15,512
Oh for f--- sake.

431
00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:17,731
What do ya think would happen
if we was made, Cheech?

432
00:17:17,731 --> 00:17:19,429
I thought we was made.

433
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,300
No, I know we're
made men, I mean,

434
00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:24,564
what if we was made by
somebody here in Vagina.

435
00:17:24,564 --> 00:17:25,391
I don't care who
done it, Jimmy.

436
00:17:25,391 --> 00:17:27,872
Just so long as we was made.

437
00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:29,265
[horse neighs]

438
00:17:29,265 --> 00:17:32,006
I hope this is good, Jimmy.

439
00:17:32,006 --> 00:17:33,225
I was polishing my knob.

440
00:17:33,225 --> 00:17:36,924
Look how shiny it is.

441
00:17:36,924 --> 00:17:39,013
Now, what seems to
be the problem?

442
00:17:39,013 --> 00:17:42,495
Listen, I'm just wondering,
hypochondriacally speaking -

443
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,889
what would happen
if we was made?

444
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:46,412
What are you talking about?

445
00:17:46,412 --> 00:17:47,674
You see what I mean?

446
00:17:47,674 --> 00:17:49,154
It's hard to follow.

447
00:17:49,154 --> 00:17:51,374
I'm just wondering what
you feds would do

448
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:53,245
if somebody recognized us.

449
00:17:53,245 --> 00:17:54,420
Would you, I don't
know, waste him,

450
00:17:54,420 --> 00:17:56,901
so that the person
that was made

451
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,381
wouldn't have to
do it himself?

452
00:17:58,381 --> 00:17:59,904
No.

453
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:01,514
Nothing would happen to the
person who recognized you,

454
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:03,255
but we would immediately move
you and your family North.

455
00:18:03,255 --> 00:18:05,779
I thought this was North.

456
00:18:05,779 --> 00:18:07,868
There's a more North?

457
00:18:07,868 --> 00:18:10,697
So North you'll s--- your
pants just for the heat.

458
00:18:10,697 --> 00:18:13,657
But why do you ask?
Have you been spotted?

459
00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:16,399
No, not at all.

460
00:18:16,399 --> 00:18:18,705
Uh, the thing is...

461
00:18:18,705 --> 00:18:21,882
there's this father-son dance
coming up at the high school.

462
00:18:21,882 --> 00:18:24,581
Wondering if you
wanna take Petey?

463
00:18:24,581 --> 00:18:26,626
Why, Jimmy?

464
00:18:26,626 --> 00:18:29,716
So you can stay home and watch
porn and drink cheap wine?

465
00:18:29,716 --> 00:18:31,718
Well, I won't be a part of it.

466
00:18:31,718 --> 00:18:36,593
For Canada, where poop is your
friend and also your blanket.

467
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,551
[sonic boom]

468
00:18:39,073 --> 00:18:40,466
We did it!

469
00:18:40,466 --> 00:18:42,033
We totally burned
Johnny Canuck!

470
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:44,209
Oh...

471
00:18:44,209 --> 00:18:46,255
I feel kinda bad now
that I know his name.

472
00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:48,344
Oh, this is gonna
buy a lot of candy.

473
00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:49,910
Alright, but only
one piece a night

474
00:18:49,910 --> 00:18:51,825
and you must brush
immediately after.

475
00:18:51,825 --> 00:18:53,653
Will you knock it off.

476
00:18:53,653 --> 00:18:55,307
What?
I'm still in character.

477
00:18:55,307 --> 00:18:57,135
We're home now.
You're not my mother.

478
00:18:57,135 --> 00:18:58,702
You never had a baby.

479
00:18:58,702 --> 00:19:01,139
I knew this day
would come.

480
00:19:01,139 --> 00:19:04,795
Gina, it's natural to be curious
about where babies come from.

481
00:19:04,795 --> 00:19:05,752
Who said I'm curious -

482
00:19:05,752 --> 00:19:07,580
When a man and woman
love each other,

483
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:10,409
they have a lot
of intercourse.

484
00:19:10,409 --> 00:19:12,019
A lot.Hey!

485
00:19:12,019 --> 00:19:14,761
I am not hearing where
babies come from from you!

486
00:19:14,761 --> 00:19:16,328
I don't want to get
too technical

487
00:19:16,328 --> 00:19:17,199
because
I'm not a doctor,

488
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:19,026
but when a man's
peeper gets hard -

489
00:19:19,026 --> 00:19:21,420
Goodbye.

490
00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:23,466
You get back here, young lady.

491
00:19:23,466 --> 00:19:25,468
I am still pretending
to be your mother!

492
00:19:25,468 --> 00:19:26,904
And if that's not enough,

493
00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:29,646
may I remind you it's
my name on the check.

494
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:35,434
Nothing is worth this.
You can have it all.

495
00:19:35,434 --> 00:19:37,610
And... scene.

496
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:41,005
Petey, I thought
it over and...

497
00:19:41,005 --> 00:19:43,964
you can go to the father-son
whatchamacallit with Wheatthin.

498
00:19:43,964 --> 00:19:44,661
Seriously, Pop?

499
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:46,619
Aw, man, you're the best!

500
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,273
I do what I can, son.

501
00:19:51,885 --> 00:19:54,671
Wheatthin.
It's me, Jimmy.

502
00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:56,890
I think you're right
about us being friends.

503
00:19:56,890 --> 00:19:59,023
What d'ya say we
go snowshoeing?

504
00:19:59,023 --> 00:20:00,720
Out in the tundra?

505
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:04,550
Where no one can see us
or hear us for miles.

506
00:20:07,074 --> 00:20:09,033
...so after the Campanelli
boys got through with him

507
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:11,340
we had to start calling
him Johnny Two Legs.

508
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:13,385
[laughs]

509
00:20:13,385 --> 00:20:14,343
Amazing!
Tell me another one.

510
00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:16,867
Alright, here's one.

511
00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:19,609
Few years back we was
robbing the safe

512
00:20:19,609 --> 00:20:20,436
of Frankie three
to the right, eight to the left,

513
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:22,699
seven to the right.

514
00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:26,006
Nobody could figure
out the combination.

515
00:20:26,006 --> 00:20:27,443
So we blew it up!

516
00:20:27,443 --> 00:20:30,184
Wow.
This is awesome.

517
00:20:30,184 --> 00:20:33,405
You know, I'm starting to
wonder if I know too much.

518
00:20:33,405 --> 00:20:34,363
I know your name, the
crimes you've committed,

519
00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:36,103
where you're in hiding.

520
00:20:36,103 --> 00:20:39,542
If this were a movie,
you'd have to whack me.

521
00:20:40,934 --> 00:20:43,676
Yeah.
If this was a movie.

522
00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:44,938
Oh, crap.

523
00:20:44,938 --> 00:20:46,375
Please no!

524
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:49,900
Buddy, you gotta understand,
I so don't wanna do this.

525
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,858
I never had me a fan before.

526
00:20:51,858 --> 00:20:53,207
Please, Jimmy!

527
00:20:53,207 --> 00:20:54,687
I won't tell anyone,
I promise!

528
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:55,862
I don't want to die!

529
00:20:55,862 --> 00:20:57,429
I have a family!

530
00:20:57,429 --> 00:21:00,867
Well, I don't, but I'm
cloning one in the lab.

531
00:21:00,867 --> 00:21:01,999
Don't do it, Pop!

532
00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:02,739
He's my only friend in Canada.

533
00:21:02,739 --> 00:21:05,437
He's my only friend anywhere!

534
00:21:05,437 --> 00:21:07,091
Ya gotta do it, Jimmy.

535
00:21:07,091 --> 00:21:13,097
He made you and by that
I mean he recognized you.

536
00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:14,838
Want me to do it, Pops?

537
00:21:14,838 --> 00:21:16,274
Get yer ass home and
clean this kitchen,

538
00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:18,842
you son of a bitch!

539
00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:20,409
Daddy!

540
00:21:20,409 --> 00:21:22,889
Please Pop.
Let him go.

541
00:21:22,889 --> 00:21:24,674
I'll never ask you
for anything again.

542
00:21:24,674 --> 00:21:26,502
Just do this, for me,
your first born male.

543
00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:27,633
Please!

544
00:21:27,633 --> 00:21:29,026
Sincerely yours, Petey.

545
00:21:30,723 --> 00:21:33,465
Alright, Wheatthin,
you caught yourself a break.

546
00:21:33,465 --> 00:21:35,119
Let's head back.

547
00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:36,381
Thank you, thank you.

548
00:21:36,381 --> 00:21:39,384
And I meant it when I said
I'll never tell anyone.

549
00:21:39,384 --> 00:21:40,777
Jimmy, I have homes
all over the world.

550
00:21:40,777 --> 00:21:42,605
Paris, Beijing, Rome.

551
00:21:42,605 --> 00:21:45,259
I hang out with world
leaders and movie stars.

552
00:21:45,259 --> 00:21:48,262
I don't want them to
know I live in Regina.

553
00:21:48,262 --> 00:21:50,700
You know, my family
invented ice fishing.

554
00:21:56,967 --> 00:21:59,491
[whistling]