1
00:00:01,478 --> 00:00:01,812
How y'doin?

2
00:00:02,746 --> 00:00:04,381
I'm Jimmy McDougal,
formerly Jimmy Falcone.

3
00:00:04,381 --> 00:00:06,483
I used to be a bigshot
in the New York mafia

4
00:00:06,483 --> 00:00:09,120
until I turned rat to keep
from being whacked...

5
00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:10,321
It wasn't easy turning
on my old friends,

6
00:00:10,321 --> 00:00:13,124
but them turning on me first
made it a little easier.

7
00:00:13,124 --> 00:00:15,826
But the hardest thing
I ever had to do

8
00:00:15,826 --> 00:00:18,962
was to tell my family we had
to go into witness protection.

9
00:00:18,962 --> 00:00:20,331
So guys...

10
00:00:20,331 --> 00:00:22,266
I got somethin'
important to say.

11
00:00:22,266 --> 00:00:25,402
You know how all my friends
are trying to kill me?

12
00:00:25,402 --> 00:00:27,204
Yes Daddy...
It's all you ever talk about.

13
00:00:27,204 --> 00:00:30,006
You really shouldn't bring
your work home with ya.

14
00:00:30,006 --> 00:00:32,643
Well, I was thinkin',
to fix the problem,

15
00:00:32,643 --> 00:00:33,910
maybe we should leave town.

16
00:00:33,910 --> 00:00:35,412
What?
I hate you!

17
00:00:35,412 --> 00:00:37,614
But I'm class capo!
We love it here!

18
00:00:37,614 --> 00:00:38,982
No freakin' way!

19
00:00:38,982 --> 00:00:41,152
For once I agree with
your idiot uncle.

20
00:00:41,152 --> 00:00:42,886
No freakin' way!

21
00:00:42,886 --> 00:00:44,655
[glass shatters]

22
00:00:44,655 --> 00:00:46,490
Okay. Let's move.

23
00:00:48,325 --> 00:00:49,660
And that's how we came to be
living here in Vagina -

24
00:00:49,660 --> 00:00:51,262
Regina -
Saskatchewan.

25
00:00:51,262 --> 00:00:53,930
But if you think it's
gonna keep this family

26
00:00:53,930 --> 00:00:55,232
from sticking together...

27
00:00:55,232 --> 00:00:57,968
Fugget about it!

28
00:00:57,968 --> 00:00:59,170
* Let me tell
you something *

29
00:00:59,170 --> 00:01:01,172
* 'bout a friend
of ours named Jimmy *

30
00:01:01,172 --> 00:01:03,940
* Made the Wiseguy and
the Capo with Gambini *

31
00:01:03,940 --> 00:01:06,943
* When he found out they'd
be whacking Uncle Cheech *

32
00:01:06,943 --> 00:01:08,179
* He take the boss,

33
00:01:08,179 --> 00:01:09,313
* He threw him from
the 19th floor suite *

34
00:01:09,313 --> 00:01:13,217
* Wasn't much long
'til the mob wants him dead *

35
00:01:13,217 --> 00:01:16,019
* So Jimmy had no choice
but to talk to all the Feds *

36
00:01:16,019 --> 00:01:19,022
* the Feds say they have to
take and use him as a pawn *

37
00:01:19,022 --> 00:01:21,825
* So he ratted out his friends
and moved to Saskatchewan *

38
00:01:21,825 --> 00:01:23,327
* Fugget about it

39
00:01:23,327 --> 00:01:24,795
* Fugget about it

40
00:01:24,795 --> 00:01:26,197
* Fugget about it

41
00:01:26,197 --> 00:01:27,398
Oh!
Fugget about it!

42
00:01:30,567 --> 00:01:33,404
Okay, you, Elephant Man,
your pony didn't come in.

43
00:01:33,404 --> 00:01:34,104
You're into me
for five-hundred.

44
00:01:34,104 --> 00:01:36,072
Dollface, you done alright,

45
00:01:36,072 --> 00:01:37,441
you got three big ones coming.

46
00:01:37,441 --> 00:01:38,575
This ain't been
your week, Randy.

47
00:01:38,575 --> 00:01:41,378
Your no show puts you in
the hole for ten large,

48
00:01:41,378 --> 00:01:42,279
and I want something now.

49
00:01:44,981 --> 00:01:47,318
This just ain't satisfyin'.

50
00:01:47,318 --> 00:01:49,353
But in for a penny,
in for a pound.

51
00:01:51,455 --> 00:01:52,456
I see.

52
00:01:52,456 --> 00:01:55,559
No, thank you for calling
Principal Pistergas.

53
00:01:55,559 --> 00:01:57,093
Do you know what
your daughter did?

54
00:01:57,093 --> 00:01:59,230
I just got off with
the Principal -

55
00:01:59,230 --> 00:02:02,098
"Got off with the Principal."
[snickers]

56
00:02:02,098 --> 00:02:03,767
This is serious.

57
00:02:03,767 --> 00:02:05,336
Gina's suspended for a week.

58
00:02:05,336 --> 00:02:07,103
Apparently, she's been
selling candy to other kids,

59
00:02:07,103 --> 00:02:09,105
which is forbidden
on school property.

60
00:02:09,105 --> 00:02:11,642
Look, I'm sure she
has a good reason.

61
00:02:11,642 --> 00:02:13,344
It was probably
just to make money.

62
00:02:13,344 --> 00:02:15,078
Hey Ma, guess what?

63
00:02:15,078 --> 00:02:16,880
I was sent home early
for good behavior.

64
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,249
Oh, and how do you plan

65
00:02:18,249 --> 00:02:19,683
to explain the rest of
the week, young lady?

66
00:02:19,683 --> 00:02:21,017
Busted.

67
00:02:21,017 --> 00:02:23,254
Damn straight
you're busted.

68
00:02:23,254 --> 00:02:24,621
Your principal called.

69
00:02:24,621 --> 00:02:26,122
No TV for a week!

70
00:02:26,122 --> 00:02:29,960
Pistergaaaaaas!

71
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,962
[echoes]

72
00:02:31,962 --> 00:02:33,264
You done?
Uh huh.

73
00:02:38,835 --> 00:02:40,070
[sigh]

74
00:02:40,070 --> 00:02:42,273
Theresa, can we have
a girl-talk?

75
00:02:42,273 --> 00:02:43,540
Of course!

76
00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:45,175
I'm just glad you're finally
admitting that you're a girl.

77
00:02:45,175 --> 00:02:47,944
A guy starts one
"Twilight" fan club

78
00:02:47,944 --> 00:02:49,746
and he's branded for life.

79
00:02:49,746 --> 00:02:50,747
I need help with a girl.

80
00:02:50,747 --> 00:02:52,716
That girl.

81
00:02:54,285 --> 00:02:56,553
Now if she has bad taste,
too, you've got it made.

82
00:02:56,553 --> 00:02:59,022
I can't even bring
myself to talk to her.

83
00:02:59,022 --> 00:03:00,857
Oh, that's so sweet.

84
00:03:00,857 --> 00:03:03,727
Coming to your big sister
for advice on love.

85
00:03:03,727 --> 00:03:06,730
Alright Petey, I'll have
you banging her in no time.

86
00:03:06,730 --> 00:03:09,800
I was hoping to carry her
books, but whatever works.

87
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:10,567
First thing we need to do

88
00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:13,504
is get this girl to
know who you are.

89
00:03:13,504 --> 00:03:14,971
But she can't
know the real you

90
00:03:14,971 --> 00:03:16,973
or she'd set herself on fire.

91
00:03:16,973 --> 00:03:21,312
You've got to be strong,
confident, sure of yourself.

92
00:03:21,312 --> 00:03:25,316
Okay, strong, confident,
sure of myself.

93
00:03:25,316 --> 00:03:26,149
You think she'd like that?

94
00:03:26,149 --> 00:03:28,319
Petey!
Women don't like wimps.

95
00:03:28,319 --> 00:03:31,322
They want to be
swept off their feet

96
00:03:31,322 --> 00:03:36,192
by a dominant, rock-hard,
son of an oil baron.

97
00:03:36,192 --> 00:03:38,895
What?
Just go over there
and be aggressive.

98
00:03:38,895 --> 00:03:40,497
She's yours for the taking!

99
00:03:40,497 --> 00:03:42,633
I'm strong... tough... alpha...

100
00:03:42,633 --> 00:03:43,667
strong... tough...
alpha...

101
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:46,036
Hey!
What?

102
00:03:46,036 --> 00:03:46,703
Uhhhhh...

103
00:03:46,703 --> 00:03:49,205
Love me?

104
00:03:49,205 --> 00:03:52,576
Wow.
Just... wow.

105
00:03:57,881 --> 00:03:59,750
That's it.
My entire stash.

106
00:03:59,750 --> 00:04:00,717
You cleaned me out.

107
00:04:00,717 --> 00:04:02,052
No TV for a week young lady.

108
00:04:02,052 --> 00:04:04,154
Never do something
like this again.

109
00:04:04,154 --> 00:04:06,623
You've embarrassed
the whole family.

110
00:04:07,691 --> 00:04:09,993
C'mon.
No one's really embarrassed.

111
00:04:09,993 --> 00:04:11,762
It's just a figment of speech.

112
00:04:11,762 --> 00:04:12,729
It's not that.

113
00:04:12,729 --> 00:04:15,632
How'm I ever gonna learn
to be a no-good hustler

114
00:04:15,632 --> 00:04:18,268
if I ain't got no role models?

115
00:04:18,268 --> 00:04:19,603
You got me, dontcha?

116
00:04:19,603 --> 00:04:21,372
But you're all washed up.

117
00:04:21,372 --> 00:04:22,673
Washed up?

118
00:04:22,673 --> 00:04:25,275
You know, I still got a thing
or two I can teach you.

119
00:04:25,275 --> 00:04:27,444
For example,
I never woulda got caught

120
00:04:27,444 --> 00:04:28,845
for moving cheap
loot like this.

121
00:04:28,845 --> 00:04:30,180
Whoa! Whoa!

122
00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:31,181
This Canadian candy
is primo stuff.

123
00:04:31,181 --> 00:04:33,149
You can't even get
this in the States!

124
00:04:33,149 --> 00:04:36,186
Try it.
First taste is free.

125
00:04:36,186 --> 00:04:39,423
It's all free.
We just took it from you.

126
00:04:40,924 --> 00:04:43,494
My god he's choking!
Someone call an ambulance!

127
00:04:43,494 --> 00:04:45,396
What's 9-1-1 in Canadian?

128
00:04:45,396 --> 00:04:47,864
Holy Mother of God,
that is good!

129
00:04:47,864 --> 00:04:48,865
It's better than good.

130
00:04:48,865 --> 00:04:51,402
It's - what's a word that
means 'better than good'?

131
00:04:51,402 --> 00:04:53,136
Hoh!
What's all this racket about?

132
00:04:53,136 --> 00:04:55,071
A man can't hear
his own pornography.

133
00:04:55,071 --> 00:04:57,641
Try this.
It's Canadian candy.

134
00:04:57,641 --> 00:05:00,110
I thought Pam Anderson
was Canadian candy.

135
00:05:01,578 --> 00:05:05,215
Marone, this stuff's better
than anything we got back home.

136
00:05:05,215 --> 00:05:07,418
Fat Americans would pay
through the nose for this stuff.

137
00:05:07,418 --> 00:05:10,186
Hold it, hold it...
I'm gettin' an idea.

138
00:05:10,186 --> 00:05:12,222
It's comin'.
It's percolatin'.

139
00:05:12,222 --> 00:05:14,958
It's percolatin'.
It's drippin'.

140
00:05:14,958 --> 00:05:16,727
Drippin'.
Got it!

141
00:05:16,727 --> 00:05:19,463
We'll smuggle this stuff into
the States and make a fortune.

142
00:05:19,463 --> 00:05:22,165
We'll take Prohibition
to a whole new level!

143
00:05:22,165 --> 00:05:24,234
Alright, boys,
you're off the hook.

144
00:05:24,234 --> 00:05:25,168
This is the thing
I've been lookin' for.

145
00:05:25,168 --> 00:05:27,938
Somethin' to get
my blood flowin'.

146
00:05:27,938 --> 00:05:28,939
What do ya think, Cook?

147
00:05:28,939 --> 00:05:32,008
[unclear]

148
00:05:33,810 --> 00:05:36,012
Passport.

149
00:05:39,282 --> 00:05:40,584
See, Jimmy?

150
00:05:40,584 --> 00:05:42,953
I told ya bribing the border
guard would be a snap.

151
00:05:45,021 --> 00:05:46,923
Some suspicious looking boxes,
but there's nothing we can do.

152
00:05:46,923 --> 00:05:49,292
They're taped shut.

153
00:05:49,292 --> 00:05:59,503
[*]

154
00:05:59,503 --> 00:06:02,506
Ain't it great to be
back in the ole US of A.

155
00:06:02,506 --> 00:06:04,007
Hey everyone!

156
00:06:04,007 --> 00:06:06,209
I'm Captain Candypants!

157
00:06:06,209 --> 00:06:09,680
Come and get your
candy in my pants!

158
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,982
[laughs]

159
00:06:11,982 --> 00:06:13,917
Yes, yes, keep going...

160
00:06:13,917 --> 00:06:15,486
dig deeper.

161
00:06:15,486 --> 00:06:17,087
Scram.
We're taking over.

162
00:06:17,087 --> 00:06:20,123
This is our turf now.

163
00:06:20,123 --> 00:06:21,825
But I always work here.

164
00:06:21,825 --> 00:06:24,127
I'll give you a
free taffy pull.

165
00:06:24,127 --> 00:06:26,296
I got your taffy
pull right here.

166
00:06:26,296 --> 00:06:31,101
[crying]
Ow! No! Please!

167
00:06:32,669 --> 00:06:34,204
You're all working for me now.

168
00:06:34,204 --> 00:06:36,540
You got a problem with that?

169
00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:46,216
* [calliope music] *

170
00:06:46,216 --> 00:06:51,321
[cheering]

171
00:06:51,321 --> 00:06:53,356
Like taking candy from a baby.

172
00:06:53,356 --> 00:06:56,026
And then selling it
to another baby.

173
00:06:56,026 --> 00:06:57,728
Here's your taste, boss.

174
00:06:57,728 --> 00:06:59,596
What the hell you
doin' in fur coats?

175
00:06:59,596 --> 00:07:00,531
I told you to keep
a low profile.

176
00:07:00,531 --> 00:07:02,165
You're gonna get us
all pinched.

177
00:07:02,165 --> 00:07:04,668
It's in my wife's name.

178
00:07:04,668 --> 00:07:05,536
What'd I just tell ya?

179
00:07:07,671 --> 00:07:09,840
Not too bright, but they're
good little earners.

180
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,575
You know, I haven't
felt this alive

181
00:07:11,575 --> 00:07:13,844
since that day I got
stabbed at the racetrack.

182
00:07:13,844 --> 00:07:15,612
Yeah.
Those were good times.

183
00:07:15,612 --> 00:07:19,015
Mister, I'd like
four of everything.

184
00:07:19,015 --> 00:07:22,085
Looks good.
Cheech, give 'im his stuff.

185
00:07:22,085 --> 00:07:23,153
There ya go kid.

186
00:07:23,153 --> 00:07:26,222
The finest, uncut cocoa
solids Canada has to offer.

187
00:07:26,222 --> 00:07:28,592
Don't do 'em all at once.

188
00:07:28,592 --> 00:07:30,561
Thanks, but I'm not the one
who needs advice.

189
00:07:30,561 --> 00:07:33,930
We're shutting you
dirt-bags down!

190
00:07:33,930 --> 00:07:34,865
Freeze!

191
00:07:34,865 --> 00:07:36,700
Food and Delicious
Candy Administration!

192
00:07:36,700 --> 00:07:38,569
You're under arrest
for supplying

193
00:07:38,569 --> 00:07:40,136
a weak-willed American populace

194
00:07:40,136 --> 00:07:43,106
with treats from a different
and therefore inferior country.

195
00:07:43,106 --> 00:07:43,874
I was framed!

196
00:07:43,874 --> 00:07:49,212
[siren]

197
00:07:49,212 --> 00:07:50,614
I'll wait for you, Jimmy!

198
00:07:50,614 --> 00:07:54,050
I can't believe how much
this thing vibrates!

199
00:07:55,218 --> 00:07:57,287
Take your time, Jimmy!

200
00:08:00,791 --> 00:08:04,194
What in God's name
is wrong with you?

201
00:08:04,194 --> 00:08:05,395
I dunno.
I dunno.

202
00:08:05,395 --> 00:08:07,497
I try and I try and I try.

203
00:08:07,497 --> 00:08:10,300
I play the bad guy,
I play the good guy.

204
00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:12,202
Everyday I wake up
and I say

205
00:08:12,202 --> 00:08:14,204
"Today's the day
they'll get it."

206
00:08:14,204 --> 00:08:15,405
But do you?

207
00:08:15,405 --> 00:08:16,172
No, we don't.

208
00:08:16,172 --> 00:08:18,474
What more do I have to do?

209
00:08:18,474 --> 00:08:19,943
I mean really.
You tell me.

210
00:08:19,943 --> 00:08:23,947
What more must I do for
you to at long last get it?

211
00:08:23,947 --> 00:08:24,948
I dunno.

212
00:08:24,948 --> 00:08:26,282
I'm not mad.
I'm disappointed.

213
00:08:26,282 --> 00:08:28,819
Maybe if I can
just understand

214
00:08:28,819 --> 00:08:31,622
what goes on in those warped
little minds of yours.

215
00:08:31,622 --> 00:08:33,389
Why would you
risk everything

216
00:08:33,389 --> 00:08:35,125
for just a few
hundred dollars?

217
00:08:35,125 --> 00:08:36,459
Jimmy told me to.

218
00:08:36,459 --> 00:08:37,527
McCool, you wouldn't
understand.

219
00:08:37,527 --> 00:08:39,029
Try me.

220
00:08:39,029 --> 00:08:40,330
I miss the action.

221
00:08:40,330 --> 00:08:42,432
I sit around the
house being a dad.

222
00:08:42,432 --> 00:08:43,800
I go to work and have a job.

223
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:45,168
What kind of life is that?

224
00:08:45,168 --> 00:08:46,737
But something like this...

225
00:08:46,737 --> 00:08:47,671
It gave me that
adrenaline rush

226
00:08:47,671 --> 00:08:50,641
I used to get everyday
in the old life.

227
00:08:50,641 --> 00:08:51,341
Is that all?

228
00:08:51,341 --> 00:08:54,044
Well, why didn't you say so?

229
00:08:54,044 --> 00:08:56,446
Jimmy, if you want
an adrenaline rush

230
00:08:56,446 --> 00:08:57,848
I know just the thing.

231
00:08:57,848 --> 00:09:12,195
[*]

232
00:09:12,195 --> 00:09:14,731
You gotta be [bleep]in' me.

233
00:09:14,731 --> 00:09:16,432
This, my friend, is action.

234
00:09:16,432 --> 00:09:19,002
Looks more like a
bunch of dusty guys

235
00:09:19,002 --> 00:09:20,771
trying to put the
moves on farm animals.

236
00:09:20,771 --> 00:09:23,106
On the surface perhaps.

237
00:09:23,106 --> 00:09:24,941
But look deeper, Jimmy.

238
00:09:24,941 --> 00:09:25,876
Imagine it.

239
00:09:25,876 --> 00:09:27,243
You're on top of a bull,

240
00:09:27,243 --> 00:09:28,979
hanging on for dear life.

241
00:09:28,979 --> 00:09:30,346
Your blood is boiling
in your veins,

242
00:09:30,346 --> 00:09:33,283
adrenaline flooding
your brain.

243
00:09:33,283 --> 00:09:34,550
Your only thought,

244
00:09:34,550 --> 00:09:36,152
to best the beast before
he takes your life.

245
00:09:36,152 --> 00:09:38,121
You don't hear the
roar of the crowd

246
00:09:38,121 --> 00:09:40,056
flowering their
adulation upon you.

247
00:09:40,056 --> 00:09:43,326
You can't hear
them chanting...

248
00:09:43,326 --> 00:09:45,696
Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy.

249
00:09:45,696 --> 00:09:49,099
No, they're chanting
"McCool. McCool. McCool."

250
00:09:49,099 --> 00:09:50,100
Jimmy. Jimmy.

251
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:51,567
McCool. McCool.

252
00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:53,770
A hundred bucks
says "Jimmy Jimmy."

253
00:09:53,770 --> 00:09:56,106
Another hundred says
I kick your ass.

254
00:09:56,106 --> 00:09:58,408
Jimmy, I don't
gamble for money.

255
00:09:58,408 --> 00:10:00,110
That's what gambling is.

256
00:10:00,110 --> 00:10:03,379
But if you insist on
humiliating yourself,

257
00:10:03,379 --> 00:10:05,716
I will wager you for honor.

258
00:10:05,716 --> 00:10:07,684
Great.
How much is that in American?

259
00:10:07,684 --> 00:10:10,286
The loser must,
in a clear baritone,

260
00:10:10,286 --> 00:10:12,322
extending from the diaphragm,

261
00:10:12,322 --> 00:10:15,992
declare that the other is
a better man than himself.

262
00:10:15,992 --> 00:10:17,160
You're on.

263
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,461
I got one question.

264
00:10:18,461 --> 00:10:20,330
If a man does it
to a girl sheep,

265
00:10:20,330 --> 00:10:21,164
that's not gay, right?

266
00:10:21,164 --> 00:10:23,666
I mean, the church
is okay with that?

267
00:10:23,666 --> 00:10:25,201
I don't know,
I'm not Catholic.

268
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:26,937
[phone rings]

269
00:10:26,937 --> 00:10:28,872
Hello?
What do you mean "hello"?

270
00:10:28,872 --> 00:10:30,707
I've been trying to
reach you for two days!

271
00:10:30,707 --> 00:10:31,875
I figured I'd be
your one phone call!

272
00:10:31,875 --> 00:10:34,077
Cookie, calm down.

273
00:10:34,077 --> 00:10:36,446
McCool was my one phone call.

274
00:10:36,446 --> 00:10:37,781
They took my cell phone,

275
00:10:37,781 --> 00:10:38,614
and by the time I got
it back, I forgot.

276
00:10:38,614 --> 00:10:40,751
What?

277
00:10:40,751 --> 00:10:42,085
Oh, you forgot?

278
00:10:42,085 --> 00:10:42,986
I already told the
kids you were dead!

279
00:10:42,986 --> 00:10:44,587
Gina, your father's alive.

280
00:10:44,587 --> 00:10:47,290
Put his cigars back
where you found 'em.

281
00:10:47,290 --> 00:10:49,225
I just can't catch a break.

282
00:10:49,225 --> 00:10:50,526
Hello.

283
00:10:50,526 --> 00:10:52,428
Is this the guy who
said, and I quote,

284
00:10:52,428 --> 00:10:53,997
"I never woulda got caught

285
00:10:53,997 --> 00:10:55,832
for moving cheap
loot like this"?

286
00:10:55,832 --> 00:10:56,767
Well you did get caught,

287
00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:59,202
and now I'm smokin'
all your cigars,

288
00:10:59,202 --> 00:11:02,773
and that's what you get for
cutting me out of my own scam!

289
00:11:04,474 --> 00:11:06,009
Cookie, who was that?

290
00:11:06,009 --> 00:11:07,643
Jimmy, the whole
family's going to hell

291
00:11:07,643 --> 00:11:08,979
in a handbasket 'cause of you.

292
00:11:08,979 --> 00:11:10,847
Look Cook, I'm sorry.

293
00:11:10,847 --> 00:11:12,248
I'll be home as soon as I can.

294
00:11:12,248 --> 00:11:14,785
But I'm at a rodeo and
I gotta prove to McCool

295
00:11:14,785 --> 00:11:16,686
that I'm a better
man than myself.

296
00:11:16,686 --> 00:11:18,588
You could just say
you're at a strip joint,

297
00:11:18,588 --> 00:11:20,891
ya fat [bleep]!

298
00:11:20,891 --> 00:11:22,826
What'd she say?
The usual.

299
00:11:25,661 --> 00:11:27,463
I'm not sure about
this Theresa.

300
00:11:27,463 --> 00:11:28,664
Petey, really.

301
00:11:28,664 --> 00:11:29,499
This is how
you have to dress

302
00:11:29,499 --> 00:11:31,667
if you want girls
to notice you.

303
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:34,270
It just feels a little...
busy.

304
00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:35,205
Listen, dumb-dumb,

305
00:11:35,205 --> 00:11:37,073
I watch a show called
"The Way of the Pick-Up"

306
00:11:37,073 --> 00:11:38,942
and the guy who
hosts it, Enigma,

307
00:11:38,942 --> 00:11:40,676
says if you wanna
get the girls,

308
00:11:40,676 --> 00:11:41,978
you gotta dress
like a schizo-freak.

309
00:11:41,978 --> 00:11:44,147
It's called "peacocking."

310
00:11:44,147 --> 00:11:46,016
Well I refuse to
follow the advice

311
00:11:46,016 --> 00:11:47,818
of some perverted charlatan.

312
00:11:47,818 --> 00:11:49,652
My dignity is too important.

313
00:11:49,652 --> 00:11:53,589
He's been with four-hundred
and eighty-two different women.

314
00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:55,491
Should I add a top hat?

315
00:11:55,491 --> 00:11:56,827
Okay Petey.

316
00:11:56,827 --> 00:11:58,394
Enigma says that
90% of becoming

317
00:11:58,394 --> 00:12:00,430
a successful
pick-up artist

318
00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:02,866
is learning to overcome
your fear of rejection,

319
00:12:02,866 --> 00:12:04,200
and to do that,

320
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:05,836
you need to get
rejected a lot.

321
00:12:05,836 --> 00:12:08,905
Theresa, I could write a
book about being rejected.

322
00:12:08,905 --> 00:12:10,673
In fact, I have.

323
00:12:10,673 --> 00:12:12,442
But it was rejected.

324
00:12:12,442 --> 00:12:15,278
You're gonna ask out every
girl who walks past here

325
00:12:15,278 --> 00:12:17,247
and you're gonna get
rejected so many times

326
00:12:17,247 --> 00:12:19,082
you'll never care
about it again.

327
00:12:19,082 --> 00:12:20,283
But what if one
of them accepts?

328
00:12:20,283 --> 00:12:23,186
Petey, if you're not going
to take this seriously...

329
00:12:23,186 --> 00:12:25,221
Back off, bitch!
Those shoes are mine!

330
00:12:25,221 --> 00:12:27,190
[sigh]

331
00:12:27,190 --> 00:12:29,759
Excuse me, ma'am, would
you like to go on a date?

332
00:12:29,759 --> 00:12:31,928
Hello there, miss,
you look lovely today.

333
00:12:31,928 --> 00:12:33,563
Excuse me but --

334
00:12:33,563 --> 00:12:34,197
I couldn't help but notice --

335
00:12:34,197 --> 00:12:36,732
Theresa's right.

336
00:12:36,732 --> 00:12:37,600
This isn't so bad.

337
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,669
Who cares if they
don't like me.

338
00:12:39,669 --> 00:12:41,237
It's very freeing.

339
00:12:41,237 --> 00:12:42,672
I'm a bed-wetter.

340
00:12:42,672 --> 00:12:44,440
Do you think I
have pretty eyes?

341
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,343
I masturbate all the time.

342
00:12:47,343 --> 00:12:48,444
All the time.

343
00:12:48,444 --> 00:12:50,113
Hey, wanna play with my boa?

344
00:12:50,113 --> 00:12:53,316
Why yes I would, young man.

345
00:12:53,316 --> 00:12:54,284
Aahhh!

346
00:12:54,284 --> 00:12:55,251
I'm sorry.
I didn't see you there.

347
00:12:55,251 --> 00:12:57,520
It's okay, honey.

348
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,389
I saw you.

349
00:12:59,389 --> 00:13:02,926
It's very... sexy.

350
00:13:02,926 --> 00:13:03,459
Aw [bleep].

351
00:13:07,163 --> 00:13:08,965
You sure you wanna go
through with this, McCool?

352
00:13:08,965 --> 00:13:10,700
I'm not gonna go easy on you.

353
00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:11,801
It's not my style.

354
00:13:11,801 --> 00:13:14,804
So I'll give you one
last chance to back out.

355
00:13:14,804 --> 00:13:16,639
McCools don't back out, Jimmy.

356
00:13:16,639 --> 00:13:18,641
They thrust in.

357
00:13:18,641 --> 00:13:20,443
Okay, it's your funeral.

358
00:13:20,443 --> 00:13:21,978
I just got one question.

359
00:13:21,978 --> 00:13:23,113
What's with these
freakin' pants?

360
00:13:23,113 --> 00:13:26,749
Me, I like 'em.
I enjoy the draft.

361
00:13:26,749 --> 00:13:29,285
[laughing]

362
00:13:29,285 --> 00:13:33,656
Yee ha! Yee ha!

363
00:13:33,656 --> 00:13:35,225
Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
Ya!

364
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:40,096
Woo!
[laughs]

365
00:13:40,096 --> 00:13:41,197
Yee haw.

366
00:13:48,504 --> 00:13:51,474
[squawking]

367
00:13:51,474 --> 00:13:55,946
[pained cries]

368
00:13:58,414 --> 00:13:59,849
Yippee yi yay!

369
00:13:59,849 --> 00:14:01,484
Yee ha!

370
00:14:11,694 --> 00:14:14,965
[pained cries]

371
00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:17,167
Jimmy, you okay?

372
00:14:17,167 --> 00:14:19,335
I can't take it
no more, Cheech.

373
00:14:19,335 --> 00:14:21,972
My face is cut,
my muscles are torn,

374
00:14:21,972 --> 00:14:24,340
my ribs are cracked

375
00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:26,876
and there's no skin
left on my ass.

376
00:14:26,876 --> 00:14:28,444
You sayin'
you're giving up?

377
00:14:28,444 --> 00:14:30,013
Jimmy, you can't.

378
00:14:30,013 --> 00:14:31,881
You'd have to tell
McCool he's a better man.

379
00:14:31,881 --> 00:14:33,216
Plus you can still win

380
00:14:33,216 --> 00:14:34,850
cause the bull-riding's
worth more points

381
00:14:34,850 --> 00:14:36,752
than all the other
events combined.

382
00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:37,553
How's that for exposition?

383
00:14:37,553 --> 00:14:40,023
I don't know, maybe
I can pull it together

384
00:14:40,023 --> 00:14:41,824
for one more event.

385
00:14:41,824 --> 00:14:43,226
Watch this Jimmy - no hands!

386
00:14:47,497 --> 00:14:49,665
ANNOUNCER:
And it's a new world record!

387
00:14:49,665 --> 00:14:50,600
Strait McCool is the toughest,

388
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:54,470
most manliest man in
the whole wide world!

389
00:14:54,470 --> 00:14:56,472
[cheering]

390
00:14:56,472 --> 00:14:57,607
McCool.

391
00:14:57,607 --> 00:14:58,874
Yes?

392
00:14:58,874 --> 00:14:59,742
I can't watch this.

393
00:14:59,742 --> 00:15:03,479
You... are...

394
00:15:03,479 --> 00:15:05,548
a better man than I.

395
00:15:05,548 --> 00:15:06,682
Thank you, Jimmy.

396
00:15:06,682 --> 00:15:08,084
It takes a big
man to say that.

397
00:15:08,084 --> 00:15:09,885
And I think it's safe to say

398
00:15:09,885 --> 00:15:11,854
you found the action
you were looking for.

399
00:15:11,854 --> 00:15:13,223
Oh, and one more thing.

400
00:15:13,223 --> 00:15:16,026
I found something
I believe is yours.

401
00:15:16,026 --> 00:15:19,429
Hey, Jimmy.
He just handed you your ass.

402
00:15:30,506 --> 00:15:32,075
[sigh]

403
00:15:32,075 --> 00:15:34,044
I clobbered him!

404
00:15:36,679 --> 00:15:38,048
Pops, pops.

405
00:15:38,048 --> 00:15:39,549
What was the rodeo like, huh?

406
00:15:39,549 --> 00:15:42,218
What did that copper's
stupid face look like

407
00:15:42,218 --> 00:15:44,787
when he saw that you're the
biggest baddest guy out there?

408
00:15:44,787 --> 00:15:48,124
Did you ride the
horse like this?

409
00:15:48,124 --> 00:15:49,859
Or like this?

410
00:15:49,859 --> 00:15:51,127
Oh, well, you know.

411
00:15:51,127 --> 00:15:52,728
I pretty much just
rode the horse

412
00:15:52,728 --> 00:15:54,430
the normal horse-ridin' way.

413
00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:55,565
Wow!

414
00:15:55,565 --> 00:15:56,366
I started to think

415
00:15:56,366 --> 00:15:58,334
that maybe you'd lost
all of your moves,

416
00:15:58,334 --> 00:16:00,170
that you'd gone soft, y'know?

417
00:16:00,170 --> 00:16:02,605
But you sure showed
McCool didn't ya, pops?

418
00:16:02,605 --> 00:16:05,375
Yeah.
I sure did.

419
00:16:05,375 --> 00:16:07,110
Too bad you couldn't've
been there to see it.

420
00:16:07,110 --> 00:16:10,480
'Cause turns out, I did
so well, so perfected it,

421
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,248
that they decided there
will never have to be

422
00:16:12,248 --> 00:16:15,618
another rodeo, ever again,
anywhere, ever.

423
00:16:18,154 --> 00:16:22,392
Thank you so much for
walking me home, Petey.

424
00:16:22,392 --> 00:16:25,128
It's become such a
dangerous neighborhood.

425
00:16:25,128 --> 00:16:27,663
You live between a church
and a police station.

426
00:16:27,663 --> 00:16:29,965
Well, you never know.

427
00:16:29,965 --> 00:16:31,501
Well, I guess I
should be heading off.

428
00:16:31,501 --> 00:16:33,603
No, no, stay.

429
00:16:33,603 --> 00:16:36,139
I'll make some cocoa.

430
00:16:36,139 --> 00:16:39,142
Umm... I'm not sure
this is appropriate.

431
00:16:39,142 --> 00:16:41,111
Well, why wouldn't
it be appropriate?

432
00:16:41,111 --> 00:16:42,011
I suppose it wouldn't be

433
00:16:42,011 --> 00:16:45,415
if something untoward
were to happen.

434
00:16:45,415 --> 00:16:49,252
Are you thinking about
something untoward?

435
00:16:49,252 --> 00:16:51,321
No, no, no.
No, of course not.

436
00:16:51,321 --> 00:16:53,523
Well, good.
Cocoa it is.

437
00:16:53,523 --> 00:16:55,891
Hot, creamy cocoa.

438
00:16:55,891 --> 00:16:59,395
You know, I like
talking to you, Petey.

439
00:16:59,395 --> 00:17:01,964
People are so
hung up with age,

440
00:17:01,964 --> 00:17:04,567
but really, it's
just a number.

441
00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:07,002
But yours is so much
higher than mine.

442
00:17:07,002 --> 00:17:08,838
You seem nervous, Petey.

443
00:17:08,838 --> 00:17:09,705
Are you nervous, Petey?

444
00:17:09,705 --> 00:17:12,475
I mean, I guess so.

445
00:17:12,475 --> 00:17:18,548
I know, it must be so hard to
be a young man these days.

446
00:17:18,548 --> 00:17:21,651
All the rules are
changing, the pressures,

447
00:17:21,651 --> 00:17:25,588
the contradictions,
the confusions...

448
00:17:25,588 --> 00:17:28,491
Yeah, I'm pretty confused
right about now.

449
00:17:28,491 --> 00:17:29,959
I know.

450
00:17:29,959 --> 00:17:33,496
And I want to
hear all about it.

451
00:17:33,496 --> 00:17:34,630
There, there...

452
00:17:34,630 --> 00:17:38,334
There,
there...

453
00:17:38,334 --> 00:17:39,669
There...

454
00:17:39,669 --> 00:17:40,170
There!

455
00:17:43,273 --> 00:17:44,774
Quite the day you've had.

456
00:17:44,774 --> 00:17:47,643
You must be exhausted,
becoming a rodeo champion.

457
00:17:47,643 --> 00:17:50,913
Nah, it wasn't too bad.
Kind of invigorating actually.

458
00:17:50,913 --> 00:17:52,248
You're lying.

459
00:17:52,248 --> 00:17:52,915
Why do you say that?

460
00:17:52,915 --> 00:17:54,717
Because I found this.

461
00:17:54,717 --> 00:17:55,451
That's not mine!

462
00:17:55,451 --> 00:17:57,086
Oh please.
You didn't beat McCool.

463
00:17:57,086 --> 00:17:59,755
Odds are he mopped
the floor with you.

464
00:17:59,755 --> 00:18:01,457
The man is practically
built for horse-wrangling,

465
00:18:01,457 --> 00:18:07,062
or lassoing, or caressing the
body of a middle-aged woman.

466
00:18:07,062 --> 00:18:08,030
Why is your
upper-lip sweating?

467
00:18:08,030 --> 00:18:11,301
It's not, and why'd
you lie to me?

468
00:18:11,301 --> 00:18:12,535
You know I don't care

469
00:18:12,535 --> 00:18:14,337
if you win a stupid
rodeo or not.

470
00:18:14,337 --> 00:18:16,739
It's not the rodeo.
It's everything.

471
00:18:16,739 --> 00:18:17,907
I used to be someone.

472
00:18:17,907 --> 00:18:20,776
I used to be the
big man in town.

473
00:18:20,776 --> 00:18:21,844
And now I'm not even a man.

474
00:18:21,844 --> 00:18:23,346
I'm just some poor schnook

475
00:18:23,346 --> 00:18:26,949
who has to tell a Mountie
he's a better man than me.

476
00:18:26,949 --> 00:18:28,518
It's demobilizing.

477
00:18:28,518 --> 00:18:31,787
You shut your mouth!
You're Jimmy Falcone.

478
00:18:31,787 --> 00:18:34,457
And Jimmy Falcone's a
fighter, not a quitter!

479
00:18:34,457 --> 00:18:36,459
I don't give a
damn about a rodeo

480
00:18:36,459 --> 00:18:39,094
or losin' it to some Mountie,
but you do.

481
00:18:39,094 --> 00:18:41,897
So suck it up and be the
man I fell in love with!

482
00:18:41,897 --> 00:18:43,233
You're right!

483
00:18:43,233 --> 00:18:45,034
I'm gonna take
that Mountie down!

484
00:18:45,034 --> 00:18:46,436
Hand me my ass!

485
00:18:48,070 --> 00:18:50,973
Jimmy, the other way.

486
00:18:50,973 --> 00:18:52,742
Ass-backwards.

487
00:18:52,742 --> 00:18:54,810
So that's where that
expression comes from.

488
00:18:59,482 --> 00:19:01,484
[gasps]

489
00:19:03,553 --> 00:19:05,288
[whimpering]

490
00:19:07,156 --> 00:19:24,774
[*]

491
00:19:28,678 --> 00:19:30,313
Smells like manure.

492
00:19:30,313 --> 00:19:31,847
Jimmy, what are
you doing here?

493
00:19:31,847 --> 00:19:33,283
You already conceded.

494
00:19:33,283 --> 00:19:35,351
Yeah, well, I'm un-conceding.

495
00:19:35,351 --> 00:19:37,287
You know when I said you're
a better man than me?

496
00:19:37,287 --> 00:19:38,087
Well, I'm taking it back.

497
00:19:38,087 --> 00:19:41,391
"Em naht nam retteb a er'uoy."

498
00:19:41,391 --> 00:19:44,126
As you wish,
but I do advise against it.

499
00:19:44,126 --> 00:19:45,695
There's a reason bull-riding

500
00:19:45,695 --> 00:19:47,430
is worth more than
half the points.

501
00:19:47,430 --> 00:19:49,098
It's one of the most dangerous
sports in the world.

502
00:19:49,098 --> 00:19:52,468
So is cheerleading,
but I still do it.

503
00:19:52,468 --> 00:19:54,437
Now, out of my way!

504
00:19:56,472 --> 00:19:57,907
Where the hell have you been?

505
00:19:57,907 --> 00:20:00,009
So... unclean...

506
00:20:00,009 --> 00:20:02,445
Oh my god!
No effin' way!

507
00:20:02,445 --> 00:20:04,046
You did it!
Congratulations!

508
00:20:04,046 --> 00:20:06,782
Ah-ah-ah.
No more touching.

509
00:20:06,782 --> 00:20:07,717
I don't ever want
to be touched again.

510
00:20:07,717 --> 00:20:10,052
Or smell moth balls.

511
00:20:10,052 --> 00:20:11,220
Or see a doily.

512
00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:13,723
Or eat a hard candy.
Or see dentures come out.

513
00:20:13,723 --> 00:20:16,559
Or see weird stockings that
go just below the knee.

514
00:20:16,559 --> 00:20:19,194
Or see breasts that go
just below the knee...

515
00:20:19,194 --> 00:20:20,730
He just completely ignored me.

516
00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:23,766
That is so hot.

517
00:20:23,766 --> 00:20:25,568
Petey! Petey! Wait up!

518
00:20:26,736 --> 00:20:29,639
Alright bull.
I've got a lot riding on this.

519
00:20:29,639 --> 00:20:31,307
So like I told my wife
on our wedding night,

520
00:20:31,307 --> 00:20:35,010
give me eight seconds
and I'll be on my way.

521
00:20:35,010 --> 00:20:36,412
[bell rings]
Whaaa!

522
00:20:38,648 --> 00:20:42,852
Okay, I asked nicely,
now we do it my way.

523
00:20:44,086 --> 00:20:44,286
Ahhh!

524
00:20:46,489 --> 00:20:47,623
Ahh!

525
00:20:48,791 --> 00:20:50,393
Ahhh!

526
00:20:55,731 --> 00:20:57,400
Ahh!

527
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:58,133
I'll have a hot dog!

528
00:20:58,133 --> 00:21:00,403
I'll have some peanuts!

529
00:21:00,403 --> 00:21:02,405
I'll have an overweight
Italian guy!

530
00:21:03,906 --> 00:21:06,542
[pained cries]

531
00:21:07,877 --> 00:21:09,379
Stay down, Jimmy!

532
00:21:09,379 --> 00:21:11,381
Don't get up, Daddy!

533
00:21:11,381 --> 00:21:12,748
You can't do it, Pop!

534
00:21:12,748 --> 00:21:15,851
Stop it, Pop!
It's embarrassing!

535
00:21:15,851 --> 00:21:16,386
Jimmy, enough!

536
00:21:20,823 --> 00:21:23,526
Jimmy, stop, you're
killing yourself.

537
00:21:23,526 --> 00:21:26,161
You have heart, tremendous
heart, I admit it,

538
00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:28,398
but no bet is worth this.

539
00:21:28,398 --> 00:21:29,999
It is to me.

540
00:21:29,999 --> 00:21:32,267
[groaning]

541
00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:33,503
Alright!

542
00:21:33,503 --> 00:21:35,405
If it will make you
end this madness, fine!

543
00:21:35,405 --> 00:21:36,872
You're a better man
than I, Jimmy McDougal!

544
00:21:36,872 --> 00:21:40,610
A BETTER MAN THAN I!

545
00:21:40,610 --> 00:21:43,278
Tell me something
I don't know.

546
00:21:43,278 --> 00:21:45,080
Jimmy, you did it!

547
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:46,949
He said it!
You won!

548
00:21:46,949 --> 00:21:47,983
Way to hang in there, Pops!

549
00:21:47,983 --> 00:21:50,420
It was amazing, Daddy.

550
00:21:50,420 --> 00:21:51,487
Jimmy, can you do it again?
I was in the john.

551
00:21:51,487 --> 00:21:58,661
I began the day as a schnook,
but now I am a man.

552
00:21:58,661 --> 00:21:59,795
Me too...