1 00:00:01,609 --> 00:00:03,220 How y'doin? 2 00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:04,569 I'm Jimmy Falcone, a former mafia big-shot 3 00:00:04,569 --> 00:00:05,874 and current suburban schnook, 4 00:00:05,874 --> 00:00:07,224 living in witness protection in Canada. 5 00:00:07,224 --> 00:00:10,314 It wasn't easy giving up the old life. 6 00:00:10,314 --> 00:00:12,664 My family and me was used to livin' a certain way, 7 00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:14,100 lookin' a certain way, 8 00:00:14,100 --> 00:00:15,362 and mostly, talkin' a certain way. 9 00:00:15,362 --> 00:00:18,626 ...and so I say, ah-badda-boom-badda-bing! 10 00:00:18,626 --> 00:00:20,933 And he goes what'sa matta with you? Stugatz! 11 00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:22,108 People, come on! 12 00:00:22,108 --> 00:00:23,588 The sooner you learn how to speak Canadian, 13 00:00:23,588 --> 00:00:24,763 the sooner we can send you to your new home. 14 00:00:24,763 --> 00:00:25,894 Wait a minute, 15 00:00:25,894 --> 00:00:28,288 they don't have American cheese in Canada? 16 00:00:28,288 --> 00:00:29,942 They do, but it's called "processed cheese". 17 00:00:29,942 --> 00:00:31,683 Does it still taste like crap? 18 00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:33,728 Yes. For the most part, yes. 19 00:00:33,728 --> 00:00:35,208 There's no Cliffs notes up there? 20 00:00:35,208 --> 00:00:38,081 How'm I gonna almost not fail my classes? 21 00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:40,431 They're called Coles Notes, but I'd recommend studying harder. 22 00:00:40,431 --> 00:00:40,866 You're cute. 23 00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,868 Wait a minute. 24 00:00:42,868 --> 00:00:45,566 They call a garbage disposal a garborator? 25 00:00:45,566 --> 00:00:46,785 Yes. 26 00:00:46,785 --> 00:00:48,961 That sounds... sexy. 27 00:00:48,961 --> 00:00:51,790 How come they don't have Canadian bacon in Canada? 28 00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:53,444 They call it back bacon. 29 00:00:53,444 --> 00:00:54,967 What, from the back end of the pig? 30 00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:56,099 Why don't they just call it ass-bacon? 31 00:00:56,099 --> 00:00:58,362 That might go good with that progress cheese. 32 00:00:58,362 --> 00:00:59,885 I got a question. 33 00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:02,148 Do they call it a stick up or a hold up? 34 00:01:02,148 --> 00:01:03,976 People! It's not that hard. 35 00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:05,369 Bathrooms are called washrooms, 36 00:01:05,369 --> 00:01:07,458 whole milk is called... wait, this can't be right - 37 00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:09,155 It says here it's called... 38 00:01:09,155 --> 00:01:10,548 ...homo milk. 39 00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:13,464 Hoh! What kind of sick country you taking us to? 40 00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:15,292 And who exactly milks these homos? 41 00:01:17,816 --> 00:01:20,775 But we had no choice 42 00:01:20,775 --> 00:01:23,038 but to pick up this Godforsaken language before... 43 00:01:23,038 --> 00:01:24,083 ...they shipped us off to Vagina - 44 00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:25,998 Regina!Saskatchewan, 45 00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:28,609 where I'm still trying to learn my "A, B, Zeds." 46 00:01:28,609 --> 00:01:30,481 But if you think just cause we live in the great white north 47 00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:32,657 we're gonna drink homo milk... 48 00:01:32,657 --> 00:01:34,833 fugget about it! 49 00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:36,139 ♪ Let me tell you something ♪ 50 00:01:36,139 --> 00:01:37,836 ♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪ 51 00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:40,795 ♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪ 52 00:01:40,795 --> 00:01:43,755 ♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪ 53 00:01:43,755 --> 00:01:45,060 ♪ He take the boss, 54 00:01:45,060 --> 00:01:46,888 ♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪ 55 00:01:46,888 --> 00:01:49,891 ♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪ 56 00:01:49,891 --> 00:01:52,894 ♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪ 57 00:01:52,894 --> 00:01:55,941 ♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪ 58 00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:58,683 ♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪ 59 00:01:58,683 --> 00:01:59,988 ♪ Fugget about it 60 00:01:59,988 --> 00:02:01,729 ♪ Fugget about it 61 00:02:01,729 --> 00:02:02,295 ♪ Fugget about it 62 00:02:02,295 --> 00:02:04,167 Oh! Fugget about it! 63 00:02:08,519 --> 00:02:11,783 I did it! I recreated the universe! 64 00:02:11,783 --> 00:02:13,567 All those Friday nights spent honing my math skills 65 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:16,396 and letting my limbs atrophy have paid off. 66 00:02:16,396 --> 00:02:18,268 Time to discover, once and for all, 67 00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:20,139 the true nature of our world. 68 00:02:20,139 --> 00:02:23,490 Oh my God, my shoes! 69 00:02:23,490 --> 00:02:24,883 Stop! Your shoes aren't in there. 70 00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:25,884 They're on your feet. 71 00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:29,192 I know but this is where they sleep. 72 00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:30,802 Besides, with no shoes in it, 73 00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:32,107 what's so important about a stupid box? 74 00:02:32,107 --> 00:02:34,501 Because inside this box 75 00:02:34,501 --> 00:02:36,938 is an exact replica of all existence. 76 00:02:36,938 --> 00:02:40,333 One glance and I will unravel the mysteries of creation, 77 00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:43,728 and discover the true meaning of life. 78 00:02:43,728 --> 00:02:45,120 Yeah, fine, whatever. 79 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,732 Just put it back in my room when you're done. 80 00:02:47,732 --> 00:02:50,169 And now, the moment of truth. 81 00:02:50,169 --> 00:02:52,606 Wheel over Stephen Hawking. 82 00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:56,523 [whirring noise] 83 00:02:59,396 --> 00:03:01,833 [loud bang] 84 00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:04,575 Wow. This is amazing. 85 00:03:04,575 --> 00:03:06,751 An endless, vast expanse of nothing. 86 00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:10,276 I mean, I knew it would be that, but, but - 87 00:03:10,276 --> 00:03:12,539 it's just so darn big. 88 00:03:12,539 --> 00:03:14,628 I'm just a speck. 89 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,369 This planet's a speck. 90 00:03:16,369 --> 00:03:19,372 I'm a speck on a speck on a speck... 91 00:03:19,372 --> 00:03:21,461 [computer voice] At least you have legs. 92 00:03:21,461 --> 00:03:25,770 A little pasta Bolognese, a nice Chianti, 93 00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:27,728 some antipasti and... Badda-bing! 94 00:03:27,728 --> 00:03:29,600 That raccoon's goin' down. 95 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:30,035 Why ya gotta waste a good meal? 96 00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:32,385 Just strangle it. 97 00:03:32,385 --> 00:03:33,778 Jimmy, get rid of that trap. 98 00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:36,781 You know how Petey gets when we kill animals - 99 00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:39,697 "humane" this and "do you have to slaughter them for fun" that. 100 00:03:39,697 --> 00:03:40,393 Cook, the boy's gotta learn. 101 00:03:40,393 --> 00:03:42,569 We're on top of the food chain 102 00:03:42,569 --> 00:03:44,702 'cause we evolved over hundreds of years. 103 00:03:44,702 --> 00:03:45,790 Before you say anything, kid, 104 00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,487 I'm tellin' ya this vermin has it comin'. 105 00:03:47,487 --> 00:03:49,054 Don't go eatin' my geraniums, buddy. 106 00:03:49,054 --> 00:03:51,839 I'm a man and I kill things. 107 00:03:51,839 --> 00:03:54,277 What do I care if one little raccoon dies 108 00:03:54,277 --> 00:03:56,322 when the universe is endless, 109 00:03:56,322 --> 00:03:58,846 human endeavor pointless, and life meaningless... 110 00:03:58,846 --> 00:04:01,371 Awww... 111 00:04:01,371 --> 00:04:04,461 ...utterly meaningless. 112 00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:06,201 Well, that was weird. 113 00:04:06,201 --> 00:04:07,855 He didn't even make me feel guilty. 114 00:04:07,855 --> 00:04:09,988 Which somehow makes me feel guilty. 115 00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:15,080 I'll just have two peas 116 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:16,864 'cause I had a big glass of water for lunch. 117 00:04:16,864 --> 00:04:18,953 Why? Food won't fill the void. 118 00:04:18,953 --> 00:04:21,173 Petey, eat for Godsakes. 119 00:04:21,173 --> 00:04:23,175 There are children starving right beside you. 120 00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:24,611 So what? 121 00:04:24,611 --> 00:04:28,006 We're all just mites of dust with no reason to live. 122 00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:29,573 Whoa, whoa, whoa. No reason to live?! 123 00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:32,010 What about the fat pay-day of a trifecta? 124 00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:33,141 That's worth living for. 125 00:04:33,141 --> 00:04:35,796 A Fendi bag and store credit? 126 00:04:35,796 --> 00:04:38,103 Scratching a real itchy body part? 127 00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:40,453 And have you ever seen the tanned backside 128 00:04:40,453 --> 00:04:42,586 of a hot Brazilian - 129 00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:43,108 Gaaaaaah! Nut! 130 00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:45,240 I was gonna say nut! 131 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:46,633 How 'bout your family?! 132 00:04:46,633 --> 00:04:48,113 Aren't we worth living for, 133 00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:49,897 and you better say yes or I'll kill you! 134 00:04:49,897 --> 00:04:51,595 Promise? 135 00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:54,119 May God have mercy on your soul Peter Frampton Falcone. 136 00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:55,860 Nice try, but there is no God. 137 00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,165 WHAT? 138 00:04:57,165 --> 00:04:59,211 I've seen the universe, mother, 139 00:04:59,211 --> 00:05:01,605 and it's a never-ending desert of nothing. 140 00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:02,649 God has left the building. 141 00:05:02,649 --> 00:05:04,999 [gasp] 142 00:05:04,999 --> 00:05:07,175 Well, if he's leaving, I should be allowed to leave. 143 00:05:07,175 --> 00:05:09,177 Do I have to finish my pea? 144 00:05:09,177 --> 00:05:12,659 I know I just did. No, wait... 145 00:05:12,659 --> 00:05:14,444 There we go. 146 00:05:20,101 --> 00:05:22,103 Ah young Peter, taking a kick at the can 147 00:05:22,103 --> 00:05:24,018 at the old kick the can game. 148 00:05:24,018 --> 00:05:25,672 Brings back memories. 149 00:05:25,672 --> 00:05:29,023 My father used to kick my can. 150 00:05:29,023 --> 00:05:31,330 Now, don't forget to recycle this. 151 00:05:31,330 --> 00:05:32,636 Why bother? 152 00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,594 They're just a bunch of random molecules. 153 00:05:34,594 --> 00:05:35,943 Ah, nihilism. 154 00:05:35,943 --> 00:05:37,423 Existentialism's ugly cousin. 155 00:05:37,423 --> 00:05:40,034 But I defend your rights to your beliefs, 156 00:05:40,034 --> 00:05:41,906 so all I can say is... 157 00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:43,560 Recycle or pay a fine! 158 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:48,173 For Canada, where everyday is earth day! 159 00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:49,304 [sonic boom] 160 00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:55,485 [knocks]Come in. 161 00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:56,921 Cheech, can we talk? 162 00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:58,313 I'm worried about Petey. 163 00:05:58,313 --> 00:05:59,619 I don't know what's wrong with him. 164 00:05:59,619 --> 00:06:00,925 And I don't know what's wrong with me 165 00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:02,883 for suddenly caring what's wrong with him. 166 00:06:02,883 --> 00:06:05,364 Jimmy, I tell ya this everytime you worry about the kid. 167 00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:06,974 Get him drunk, get him laid. 168 00:06:06,974 --> 00:06:08,498 He'll find the meaning of life. 169 00:06:08,498 --> 00:06:10,282 I'm not sure that's good parenting, Cheech. 170 00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:12,763 You remember your first time? 171 00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:14,982 Sure. Her name was Sharon 172 00:06:14,982 --> 00:06:16,723 and she had the body of a goddess. 173 00:06:16,723 --> 00:06:18,638 She needed help changing a flat tire -- flat tire, 174 00:06:18,638 --> 00:06:19,596 and then she pulled your pants off 175 00:06:19,596 --> 00:06:21,032 and showed you the time of your life. 176 00:06:21,032 --> 00:06:23,121 How did you know that? 177 00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:24,644 'Cause she was a whore. 178 00:06:24,644 --> 00:06:26,733 Not whore-slut, whore-prostitute. 179 00:06:26,733 --> 00:06:28,779 What? 180 00:06:28,779 --> 00:06:31,259 Your dad paid her, he told me all about it. 181 00:06:31,259 --> 00:06:33,131 You was a tubby teenager who liked Broadway musicals. 182 00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:36,003 He had to set you straight. 183 00:06:36,003 --> 00:06:37,135 It's true. 184 00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:39,224 I haven't listened to Miss Saigon since. 185 00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:41,052 I can't believe this Cheech. 186 00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:43,141 I mean I think about that day with Sharon a lot. 187 00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:44,316 I mean, a lot! 188 00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:45,230 Like just last night with Cookie. 189 00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:47,667 And it's not just the sex, 190 00:06:47,667 --> 00:06:50,409 but how I wooed her, how I won her. 191 00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:52,411 It gave me the confidence to do so many other things. 192 00:06:52,411 --> 00:06:54,979 Jeez, Jimmy, you're not gonna - 193 00:06:54,979 --> 00:06:58,591 ♪ Father, how could you betray me so? ♪ 194 00:06:58,591 --> 00:07:02,465 ♪ Sharon, how could you not let me know? ♪ 195 00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:04,423 One more note and I swear to God 196 00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:05,903 I'll put you out of your misery. 197 00:07:11,212 --> 00:07:13,345 Oh Virgin Mary, I don't know what to do. 198 00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:15,347 My dear, sweet little boy's 199 00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:16,479 going to spend eternity in hellfire 200 00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:19,351 because he doesn't believe in God. 201 00:07:19,351 --> 00:07:21,309 If there's no God, who knocked me up? 202 00:07:21,309 --> 00:07:23,747 Hey-o!I need your help. 203 00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:25,226 He's my only son. 204 00:07:25,226 --> 00:07:27,011 Don't tell me about sons. 205 00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:28,447 Mine totally dissed me. 206 00:07:28,447 --> 00:07:30,101 Chose his father over me. 207 00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:31,668 'Course, his dad did have 208 00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:33,365 that "dee-luxe apartment in the sky". 209 00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:35,106 Please, Mary. Stay on topic. 210 00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:36,455 And then he goes and gets himself caught up 211 00:07:36,455 --> 00:07:39,023 with that apostle gang and literally throws his life away 212 00:07:39,023 --> 00:07:41,025 and for what? 213 00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:42,809 Uh, mankind? 214 00:07:42,809 --> 00:07:44,637 Please, what they ever do for him? 215 00:07:44,637 --> 00:07:45,420 I wanted him to go to Med school 216 00:07:45,420 --> 00:07:48,162 but he wanted to be a carpenter. 217 00:07:48,162 --> 00:07:50,687 He could of been Dr. Christ for Chrissake! 218 00:07:50,687 --> 00:07:53,341 But no! He wanted to make chairs. 219 00:07:53,341 --> 00:07:55,300 Oy! Such a disappointment. 220 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:56,954 Look Mary. About Petey... 221 00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:58,564 You mean Peter? 222 00:07:58,564 --> 00:08:00,610 He was no saint, lemme tell ya. 223 00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,437 He made a pass at me at Jesus' bar mitzvah. 224 00:08:02,437 --> 00:08:05,092 He had a thing for older women. 225 00:08:05,092 --> 00:08:08,226 Not many people know this but I am the original MILF. 226 00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:09,836 I'm talkin' about my boy Petey. 227 00:08:09,836 --> 00:08:13,318 How do I get him to start believing in God again? 228 00:08:13,318 --> 00:08:15,755 Alright, alright. Here's what you do. 229 00:08:15,755 --> 00:08:16,539 Tell the kid to pray for something. 230 00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:19,019 I'll call the ex, make it happen. 231 00:08:19,019 --> 00:08:20,238 You'd do that for me? 232 00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:21,935 Oh, thank you so much! 233 00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:23,197 No problem. 234 00:08:23,197 --> 00:08:25,417 I got nothing going today except lending my image 235 00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:27,462 to a piece of toast in Newark then I'm wide open. 236 00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:32,903 Come on everybody! Time for church! 237 00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:35,732 Jesus Christ, Jimmy. 238 00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:37,255 I been in Canada for six months. 239 00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:38,865 I got nothing to confess. 240 00:08:38,865 --> 00:08:40,693 As you know, I will not be joining you 241 00:08:40,693 --> 00:08:41,781 to worship your tin god. 242 00:08:41,781 --> 00:08:44,088 Fine by me. 243 00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:46,481 Hey, if he don't gotta go, why do I gotta go? 244 00:08:46,481 --> 00:08:47,482 We gotta get everybody out of the house. 245 00:08:47,482 --> 00:08:50,050 Petey don't know it, but I hired him a girl 246 00:08:50,050 --> 00:08:51,312 and she'll be here any minute. 247 00:08:51,312 --> 00:08:53,924 But you were so upset that your father did it for you. 248 00:08:53,924 --> 00:08:55,621 Yeah, but I got to thinkin' about it in the shower 249 00:08:55,621 --> 00:08:56,317 and I came around. 250 00:08:56,317 --> 00:08:58,711 Ah, church is for suckers. 251 00:08:58,711 --> 00:09:00,408 No, it's fun. 252 00:09:00,408 --> 00:09:01,932 I love going into the confessional 253 00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:03,586 and making the priests blush. 254 00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:07,154 I like going in and punching them in the bojangles, 255 00:09:07,154 --> 00:09:08,939 but not every week. 256 00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:10,593 Petey, I'm trying to accept 257 00:09:10,593 --> 00:09:12,551 this whole not believing in God thing. 258 00:09:12,551 --> 00:09:15,119 So does that mean you've cancelled the exorcism? 259 00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:16,076 No, I already paid for the caterer. 260 00:09:16,076 --> 00:09:18,426 Just do me a favor... 261 00:09:18,426 --> 00:09:19,776 Pray one time. 262 00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:23,257 If God doesn't answer, I'll never bother you again. 263 00:09:23,257 --> 00:09:24,302 Indulge the woman who brought you into this world 264 00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:28,175 so she doesn't have to take you out. 265 00:09:28,175 --> 00:09:29,394 Psht. 266 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:30,438 Is she really so naive 267 00:09:30,438 --> 00:09:33,528 as to think I can just get on my knees - 268 00:09:33,528 --> 00:09:34,747 - put my hands together and say- 269 00:09:34,747 --> 00:09:38,577 "I pray that a pretty girl shows up on my doorstep" 270 00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:39,883 and it'll happen? 271 00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:41,711 [doorbell] 272 00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:43,582 Religion is nothing but one big band-aid 273 00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:45,671 on the scab of life. 274 00:09:45,671 --> 00:09:47,064 Hi. 275 00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:48,979 My car broke down and my cellphone's dead. 276 00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:50,110 Can I come in and use your phone? 277 00:09:50,110 --> 00:09:52,417 I can't believe it. 278 00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:54,332 God actually exists! 279 00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:57,161 And he has the same taste as me. 280 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,036 Yeah, I don't mind waiting, Auto Club. 281 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,255 I'm at a really cute guy's house, 282 00:10:04,255 --> 00:10:06,910 and his parents aren't home. 283 00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:08,259 How could this be? 284 00:10:08,259 --> 00:10:10,914 I was certain there was only nothingness and then... 285 00:10:10,914 --> 00:10:12,829 she appears - 286 00:10:14,395 --> 00:10:16,441 God has spoken. 287 00:10:16,441 --> 00:10:19,357 The Auto Club will be here in an hour, exactly. 288 00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:22,403 What should we do to kill the time? 289 00:10:22,403 --> 00:10:24,014 This is amazing. 290 00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:25,885 Can you hang on? I gotta give thanks. 291 00:10:25,885 --> 00:10:28,409 Thanks. 292 00:10:28,409 --> 00:10:30,455 I guess now it's my turn to show gratitude... 293 00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:32,587 for letting me wait here. 294 00:10:32,587 --> 00:10:33,153 Thanks again. 295 00:10:33,153 --> 00:10:37,418 [thunder rumbling] 296 00:10:37,418 --> 00:10:49,953 [dramatic music] 297 00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:50,344 Tsk! Tsk! 298 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:56,394 NOOO! I can't. I must reject all sin! 299 00:10:56,394 --> 00:10:57,917 Oooookay. 300 00:10:57,917 --> 00:11:00,920 So what are we going to do for the next fifty-seven minutes? 301 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:04,315 Uh... 302 00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:06,404 Buttocks! Triple-word score! 303 00:11:06,404 --> 00:11:09,146 You have a very rich vocabulary. 304 00:11:09,146 --> 00:11:10,451 I'm a big fan 305 00:11:10,451 --> 00:11:12,149 of eighteenth-century erotic literature. 306 00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:13,977 Brenda, you're amazing. 307 00:11:13,977 --> 00:11:16,631 You're the most fascinating player I've ever seen. 308 00:11:16,631 --> 00:11:18,895 I can't wait to see which exotic word 309 00:11:18,895 --> 00:11:20,113 you'll put down next. 310 00:11:21,506 --> 00:11:22,681 Oh. 311 00:11:22,681 --> 00:11:24,030 I'm not finished. 312 00:11:26,032 --> 00:11:27,120 Alright, "fellatio". 313 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,600 One, two, four, five, seven, eight, ten. 314 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,342 Double word score makes twenty. 315 00:11:31,342 --> 00:11:32,212 And...[alarm beeps] 316 00:11:32,212 --> 00:11:33,823 Well, that's it for me. 317 00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:36,390 I thought you were waiting for the Auto Club. 318 00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:37,652 They're taking too long. 319 00:11:37,652 --> 00:11:38,915 I'll just drive it to the gas station. 320 00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:40,307 Then why did you -Shhh. 321 00:11:40,307 --> 00:11:41,265 Too many questions. 322 00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:43,658 Well can I see you again? 323 00:11:43,658 --> 00:11:45,051 Sure. 324 00:11:45,051 --> 00:11:46,226 I can do five to six tomorrow 325 00:11:46,226 --> 00:11:47,793 or a quickie at seven-forty-five. 326 00:11:47,793 --> 00:11:49,447 I'll take both. Praise Jesus! 327 00:11:52,667 --> 00:11:54,495 Hey kiddo. What's with the smile? 328 00:11:54,495 --> 00:11:56,062 I thought life was a big pile'a junk. 329 00:11:56,062 --> 00:11:59,022 It was the most amazing thing, Pop. 330 00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:01,459 I prayed for a beautiful woman to show up at the door, 331 00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:03,504 and then just like that, one did. 332 00:12:03,504 --> 00:12:05,028 That's my boy. 333 00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:05,550 And then what happened? 334 00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:07,813 Isn't it obvious? 335 00:12:07,813 --> 00:12:09,510 I found God. 336 00:12:09,510 --> 00:12:10,685 I bet you did. 337 00:12:10,685 --> 00:12:13,906 We played Scrabble, and talked, and talked, 338 00:12:13,906 --> 00:12:16,604 and gazed into each other's eyes, 339 00:12:16,604 --> 00:12:18,824 and talked some more, and then she left. 340 00:12:21,261 --> 00:12:23,611 Petey, if you pray to God for a pony 341 00:12:23,611 --> 00:12:25,178 and he sends you one, you gotta ride it. 342 00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:28,007 You don't challenge it to a board game. 343 00:12:28,007 --> 00:12:30,488 Pops, I've never felt this way about anyone. 344 00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:32,925 This weekend I'm taking her to a church picnic, 345 00:12:32,925 --> 00:12:34,535 and a scavenger hunt, 346 00:12:34,535 --> 00:12:35,667 followed by a screening of Return of the King, 347 00:12:35,667 --> 00:12:38,017 Director's Cut. 348 00:12:38,017 --> 00:12:40,672 Thirteen hours of G-rated bliss! 349 00:12:41,934 --> 00:12:44,241 Thirteen hours? 350 00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:47,810 At a thousand bucks an hour, that's... 351 00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:49,376 ...[beep]! 352 00:12:49,376 --> 00:12:50,638 I have distressing news, Jimmy. 353 00:12:50,638 --> 00:12:54,294 Yesterday, I noticed a car parked outside your house. 354 00:12:54,294 --> 00:12:56,166 I ran the plates, and, well... 355 00:12:56,166 --> 00:12:58,516 it belongs to a known prostitute. 356 00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:01,911 What, a prostitute's not allowed to park her car? 357 00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:03,347 She knocked on your door. 358 00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:04,391 A prostitute can't knock on a door? 359 00:13:04,391 --> 00:13:07,568 And she went inside, with only Petey at home. 360 00:13:07,568 --> 00:13:10,093 A prostitute can't solicit my son? 361 00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:12,138 Okay, I'll give you that one. 362 00:13:12,138 --> 00:13:14,706 Soliciting sex is illegal, Jimmy. 363 00:13:14,706 --> 00:13:16,360 And that's against the rules. 364 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,578 Okay, McCool. Here's the thing. 365 00:13:17,578 --> 00:13:21,756 Yes, I hired a girl for Petey but nothing happened. 366 00:13:21,756 --> 00:13:23,193 Why would I believe that, Jimmy? 367 00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:24,498 Have you met my son?I believe it. 368 00:13:24,498 --> 00:13:28,676 For Canada, where the oldest profession is still logging! 369 00:13:28,676 --> 00:13:31,941 [sonic boom] 370 00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:35,988 Hey, where's Petey? 371 00:13:35,988 --> 00:13:37,511 Praise the Virgin Mary. 372 00:13:37,511 --> 00:13:39,383 He's been spending all his time at the church. 373 00:13:39,383 --> 00:13:41,385 I don't know what kind of scam he's running, 374 00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:43,604 but I swear to God I'm gonna muscle my way in. 375 00:13:43,604 --> 00:13:47,913 You don't have to muscle your way into God's house, Gina. 376 00:13:47,913 --> 00:13:50,002 His heart is always open to you. 377 00:13:51,525 --> 00:13:53,049 What? 378 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,180 You just look like one of those people 379 00:13:54,180 --> 00:13:55,703 who don't use electricity. 380 00:13:55,703 --> 00:13:59,055 I've found a higher calling and it's called the Lord's work. 381 00:13:59,055 --> 00:13:59,751 That's my son. 382 00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:02,928 Now let us say grace. 383 00:14:02,928 --> 00:14:03,973 Everyone, join hands. 384 00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:06,410 Cookie, switch seats with me. 385 00:14:06,410 --> 00:14:08,107 I don't wanna hold hands with a boy. 386 00:14:08,107 --> 00:14:12,155 Dear Lord, God in heaven, saviour of all men - 387 00:14:12,155 --> 00:14:14,722 except men who love men - 388 00:14:14,722 --> 00:14:18,291 please pour your golden love upon us. 389 00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:19,466 Ew. 390 00:14:19,466 --> 00:14:21,642 Cleanse my family of all unrighteousness. 391 00:14:21,642 --> 00:14:23,514 I know that's asking a lot 392 00:14:23,514 --> 00:14:25,995 seeing as my sister puts out for anyone with two hands, 393 00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:27,648 my uncle's a degenerate 394 00:14:27,648 --> 00:14:28,562 and I'm pretty sure my mother 395 00:14:28,562 --> 00:14:31,391 used to pole dance for loose change. 396 00:14:31,391 --> 00:14:32,610 What the hell, Petey? 397 00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:34,046 Okay, my turn. 398 00:14:34,046 --> 00:14:36,092 God, please forgive my son 399 00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:37,615 for breaking the fifth commandment 400 00:14:37,615 --> 00:14:39,573 and not honoring his mother 401 00:14:39,573 --> 00:14:41,227 and for being a massive douche bag. 402 00:14:41,227 --> 00:14:42,402 Amen. 403 00:14:42,402 --> 00:14:43,795 Sticks and stones, mother. 404 00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:45,057 Which is what we should be hurling at Theresa 405 00:14:45,057 --> 00:14:48,495 for parading herself around like a modern day Jezebel. 406 00:14:48,495 --> 00:14:50,106 Who's Jezebel? She sounds fat. 407 00:14:50,106 --> 00:14:52,717 Look kid, you need to learn 408 00:14:52,717 --> 00:14:54,719 how this whole religion thing works. 409 00:14:54,719 --> 00:14:58,592 I'm very curious to hear what you can teach me about piety. 410 00:14:58,592 --> 00:15:00,420 We'll talk about pie-eating later. 411 00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:02,161 When it comes to being a Roman-Catholic from New York 412 00:15:02,161 --> 00:15:03,510 these are the rules: 413 00:15:03,510 --> 00:15:05,904 every day but Sunday you do whatever you want. 414 00:15:05,904 --> 00:15:07,862 And don't disrespect your mother. 415 00:15:07,862 --> 00:15:09,081 Ow! Why'd you hit me? 416 00:15:09,081 --> 00:15:11,301 Haven't you read your Bible? An eye for a tooth. 417 00:15:11,301 --> 00:15:13,912 So stop telling God I'm a slut! 418 00:15:15,087 --> 00:15:16,741 Why'd you hit me?What? 419 00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:18,134 I thought it was a thing. 420 00:15:21,398 --> 00:15:25,228 There's only one person who truly understands me... 421 00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:28,318 Brenda, come here to me! 422 00:15:28,318 --> 00:15:29,754 Whoa! Here? 423 00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:31,364 Yes! I can't wait any longer. 424 00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:32,626 It's your dime. 425 00:15:32,626 --> 00:15:34,977 Let us pray! 426 00:15:34,977 --> 00:16:11,709 [organ music playing] 427 00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:14,320 [screams] 428 00:16:17,671 --> 00:16:19,108 God be with you, my sweet. 429 00:16:19,108 --> 00:16:22,633 Yeah, whatever, back at ya. 430 00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:24,330 Hey! How was the date? 431 00:16:24,330 --> 00:16:27,551 Magical. We baptized three Jews today. 432 00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:29,205 Granted they were tied up, but still... 433 00:16:30,510 --> 00:16:31,859 Anything yet? 434 00:16:31,859 --> 00:16:33,774 He won't touch me. I tried everything. 435 00:16:33,774 --> 00:16:36,255 Showing him my lower-back tattoo at benediction, 436 00:16:36,255 --> 00:16:38,214 eating a banana during morning mass, 437 00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:39,998 and sexting him photos of my bing-bing 438 00:16:39,998 --> 00:16:41,695 during the tenth station of the cross. 439 00:16:41,695 --> 00:16:42,914 He thought it was a painting of Noah on the Ark. 440 00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:45,786 I'm so ashamed. 441 00:16:45,786 --> 00:16:47,353 Don't be. Or do be. 442 00:16:47,353 --> 00:16:50,052 Honestly, I don't give a [bleep]. 443 00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:55,144 Aw man, I forgot to get her to stamp my card. 444 00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:57,929 Petey, can I talk to ya? 445 00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,148 I'm busy, Pop. 446 00:16:59,148 --> 00:17:01,846 I'm making Brenda a diorama of the Rapture. 447 00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:03,717 Look, that's us ascending to heaven 448 00:17:03,717 --> 00:17:07,895 while the rest of the planet burns in hellfire.. 449 00:17:07,895 --> 00:17:09,767 Look, son, I gotta tell ya something. 450 00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:13,640 I did this thing for you, maybe I shouldn't have, 451 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,121 but my dad did it for me, I was just trying to help. 452 00:17:16,121 --> 00:17:17,992 Jesus will see your good intentions, 453 00:17:17,992 --> 00:17:19,994 even if no living human does. 454 00:17:19,994 --> 00:17:23,346 Well, Brenda's not really who you think she is. 455 00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:27,219 She's, she's a college student I "hired" to, 456 00:17:27,219 --> 00:17:29,830 you know, show you a good time. 457 00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:31,658 What do you mean hired? That's ridiculous. 458 00:17:31,658 --> 00:17:32,920 She loves me. 459 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,096 Does she ever ask if you're a cop? 460 00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:35,271 Every day. 461 00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:37,403 And I ask her if she's a cute little bunny. 462 00:17:37,403 --> 00:17:38,578 Are your dates in one-hour increments? 463 00:17:38,578 --> 00:17:41,190 So she's a fan of time management. 464 00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:42,626 What does that prove? 465 00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,367 Do lots of men recognize her on the street? 466 00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:46,020 She comes from a big family 467 00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:48,066 with a lot of uncles who like to spank her! 468 00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:50,242 So what?She's a prostitute. 469 00:17:50,242 --> 00:17:51,765 What? We haven't even kissed. 470 00:17:51,765 --> 00:17:52,940 That's kind of their thing. 471 00:17:52,940 --> 00:17:54,028 Damn you! 472 00:17:54,028 --> 00:17:56,814 Why do you try to ruin everything for me? 473 00:17:56,814 --> 00:17:59,599 Why can't you just let me have a happy ending? 474 00:17:59,599 --> 00:18:03,473 That's exactly what I was paying for! 475 00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:05,127 This might not be the best time to tell him 476 00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,606 I used his college fund. 477 00:18:06,606 --> 00:18:08,565 I don't care what he says. 478 00:18:08,565 --> 00:18:11,350 Brenda is not a prostitute. I refuse to believe it. 479 00:18:13,961 --> 00:18:16,399 [laughter] 480 00:18:16,399 --> 00:18:17,878 That doesn't prove anything. 481 00:18:17,878 --> 00:18:19,880 I will let you pay me for sex. 482 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:21,143 Aw [bleep]. 483 00:18:24,972 --> 00:18:26,365 Daddy, can I have a sit down? 484 00:18:26,365 --> 00:18:29,629 Sure princess, what's troubling ya? 485 00:18:29,629 --> 00:18:31,805 Well, hypothetically speaking, 486 00:18:31,805 --> 00:18:33,764 if you were shakin' down someone and a cop got wise 487 00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:37,637 and started shakin' you down, what would you do? 488 00:18:37,637 --> 00:18:38,986 Ah, Gina. 489 00:18:38,986 --> 00:18:40,553 We went over this in kindergarten. 490 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,773 Always pay off the cops first. 491 00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:43,643 You'd give him what he wanted? 492 00:18:43,643 --> 00:18:46,429 Sure, payin' off a cop ain't a crime. 493 00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:48,300 Well it is, but you know what I mean. 494 00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:49,823 It's the cost of doin' business. 495 00:18:49,823 --> 00:18:52,652 But I can't give this little rat-nosed goobanz what he wants! 496 00:18:52,652 --> 00:18:53,262 He wants everything. 497 00:18:53,262 --> 00:18:55,786 It'll cost me a fortune! 498 00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:57,570 Hypothetically speaking. 499 00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,833 Aw, my little angel, in a situation like that 500 00:18:59,833 --> 00:19:03,097 you got no choice but to hit him where it hurts. 501 00:19:03,097 --> 00:19:04,055 His kneecaps! I knew it. 502 00:19:04,055 --> 00:19:06,318 Aw, kneecaps... 503 00:19:06,318 --> 00:19:08,146 you're so adorable. 504 00:19:08,146 --> 00:19:11,062 These little kneecaps? These little kneecaps? 505 00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:13,151 Daddy! Stop! Stop! 506 00:19:13,151 --> 00:19:14,892 Stop. 507 00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:16,850 Gina, I gotta talk to Dad alone. 508 00:19:16,850 --> 00:19:17,721 Sure. 509 00:19:17,721 --> 00:19:20,811 Just remember what I told ya'. 510 00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,900 Petey! What's the good word? 511 00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:25,250 Well Pop, I want to say that I forgive you. 512 00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:26,730 I know that you were just trying to help me 513 00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:28,340 by hiring Brenda. 514 00:19:28,340 --> 00:19:29,689 Thanks, and I'm sorry it didn't work out 515 00:19:29,689 --> 00:19:31,038 with your little hooker girlfriend. 516 00:19:31,038 --> 00:19:33,302 Says who? 517 00:19:33,302 --> 00:19:35,086 I hate the sin but I'm still in love with the sinner. 518 00:19:35,086 --> 00:19:37,306 I'm gonna save Brenda! 519 00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:40,700 But keep it under an hour! 520 00:19:42,572 --> 00:19:46,750 ...and when Chaucer said "ahoy" 521 00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:48,491 did he really mean "ahoy"? 522 00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:53,409 Brendaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 523 00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,106 Excuse me? What are you doing- 524 00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:57,630 Brendaaaaaaaa! 525 00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,763 You don't have to sell your body for sex! 526 00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:00,546 I'll take care of you. 527 00:20:00,546 --> 00:20:04,246 Brendaaaaaaa! 528 00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:07,423 Young man, there's no Brenda here. 529 00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,207 Yes there is. She's right there. 530 00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:12,776 Six, no seven rows up, four no, five seats to the left. 531 00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:14,299 The prostitute. 532 00:20:14,299 --> 00:20:16,432 You know, Brenda, raise your hand. 533 00:20:16,432 --> 00:20:18,521 What the hell are you doing here? 534 00:20:18,521 --> 00:20:19,957 I'm here to save you. 535 00:20:19,957 --> 00:20:21,393 I know the truth and I don't care. 536 00:20:21,393 --> 00:20:23,177 Our relationship is stronger 537 00:20:23,177 --> 00:20:24,091 than the strongest man on earth - 538 00:20:24,091 --> 00:20:26,964 First of all, my name is Stella. 539 00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:29,836 Second, you don't know [bleep] about [bleep]. 540 00:20:29,836 --> 00:20:32,361 Our "relationship" was just business. 541 00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:34,406 You think I like spending my free time in a church? 542 00:20:34,406 --> 00:20:35,102 I'm a hooker for God's sake. 543 00:20:35,102 --> 00:20:37,453 Stella, what are you saying? 544 00:20:37,453 --> 00:20:38,541 We spent all that time together. 545 00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:40,369 Are you trying to tell me it was for nothing? 546 00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:43,067 No, it was for a thousand bucks an hour. 547 00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:45,156 Standing here talking to you is for nothing. 548 00:20:48,725 --> 00:20:49,987 [clears throat] 549 00:20:49,987 --> 00:20:52,555 Excuse me, but may I use the - 550 00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:54,383 [Bleep] off. 551 00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:57,603 [loud crying] 552 00:20:57,603 --> 00:20:58,648 You okay, kiddo? 553 00:20:58,648 --> 00:20:59,910 Don't bother trying to cheer me up. 554 00:20:59,910 --> 00:21:02,260 It'll never happen. 555 00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:04,262 First science let me down, now religion. 556 00:21:04,262 --> 00:21:06,743 There are no answers. 557 00:21:06,743 --> 00:21:07,787 Life sucks. 558 00:21:07,787 --> 00:21:10,790 You know, I remember when I was fifteen. 559 00:21:10,790 --> 00:21:12,401 Man, I was awkward. 560 00:21:12,401 --> 00:21:14,141 Overweight. Pimples. 561 00:21:14,141 --> 00:21:16,056 Four fingers on each hand. 562 00:21:16,056 --> 00:21:18,058 But life got better and it will for you. 563 00:21:18,058 --> 00:21:19,712 How can you be so sure? 564 00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:22,193 This is your time, the age of the nerd. 565 00:21:22,193 --> 00:21:23,803 And who's a bigger nerd than you? 566 00:21:23,803 --> 00:21:25,065 No one, that's who. 567 00:21:25,065 --> 00:21:28,068 One day you'll invent some cool computer doohickey 568 00:21:28,068 --> 00:21:31,768 and before you know it you'll be knee-deep in Asian chicks. 569 00:21:31,768 --> 00:21:33,509 Really?Would I lie to you? 570 00:21:33,509 --> 00:21:35,511 You just spent the past week lying to me. 571 00:21:35,511 --> 00:21:37,817 [chuckles] Nothing gets by my boy! 572 00:21:37,817 --> 00:21:39,819 You know, I have been working on 573 00:21:39,819 --> 00:21:41,778 a new memory enhancement chip. 574 00:21:41,778 --> 00:21:44,389 I'm up to a sixty percent increase in recall 575 00:21:44,389 --> 00:21:46,086 with only a twenty percent chance of death! 576 00:21:46,086 --> 00:21:47,479 Count me in! 577 00:21:47,479 --> 00:21:49,046 I'll be your first customer. 578 00:21:49,046 --> 00:21:50,569 And you know who that'd be good for? 579 00:21:50,569 --> 00:21:52,615 What's-his-face. You know who I mean. 580 00:21:52,615 --> 00:21:54,530 The guy with the thing we met in the place... 581 00:21:54,530 --> 00:21:56,619 This is kind of a happy ending, huh Pop? 582 00:21:56,619 --> 00:21:58,142 No! 583 00:21:58,142 --> 00:21:59,839 You don't get the concept of a happy ending at all!