1 00:00:01,609 --> 00:00:03,394 Good evening. 2 00:00:03,394 --> 00:00:06,484 My name is Peter McDougal, at least it is now. 3 00:00:06,484 --> 00:00:08,225 I have also been called a geek... 4 00:00:08,225 --> 00:00:10,444 ...a nerd, a geeky nerd, a nerdy geek, 5 00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,316 and a geeky-geeky- nerd-nerd.... 6 00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:13,534 But for most of my life, 7 00:00:13,534 --> 00:00:17,451 I've been known as Petey Falcone, son of... 8 00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,105 Jimmy Falcone... 9 00:00:19,105 --> 00:00:20,715 ...one of New York's most notorious mobsters. 10 00:00:20,715 --> 00:00:24,154 But despite what you may have read about my father... 11 00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:26,939 ...he's actually been a very loving man 12 00:00:26,939 --> 00:00:28,593 who would do anything for his family. 13 00:00:28,593 --> 00:00:29,811 Strike three, you're out! [bat hits fence] 14 00:00:29,811 --> 00:00:32,597 I mean, home run! 15 00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:35,817 But then one day the mob turned against him - 16 00:00:35,817 --> 00:00:38,646 as mobsters are prone to do... 17 00:00:38,646 --> 00:00:41,345 ...and they didn't care if they got any of us in the process. 18 00:00:41,345 --> 00:00:42,955 But he protected his family, 19 00:00:42,955 --> 00:00:44,478 and heroically helped convict 20 00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,698 some of the most horrible men in the country. 21 00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:48,917 All of whom were at my Communion. 22 00:00:48,917 --> 00:00:50,963 And that's how we wound up here, 23 00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:53,052 in witness protection, in Regina - 24 00:00:53,052 --> 00:00:54,967 Vagina!Saskatchewan. 25 00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:56,055 And if any of you think this story 26 00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:59,624 wasn't just one humongous rationalization... 27 00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:01,626 Fugget about it! 28 00:01:01,626 --> 00:01:02,931 ♪ Let me tell you something ♪ 29 00:01:02,931 --> 00:01:04,629 ♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪ 30 00:01:04,629 --> 00:01:06,848 ♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪ 31 00:01:06,848 --> 00:01:10,548 ♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪ 32 00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:11,853 ♪ He take the boss, 33 00:01:11,853 --> 00:01:13,681 ♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪ 34 00:01:13,681 --> 00:01:16,684 ♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪ 35 00:01:16,684 --> 00:01:19,687 ♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪ 36 00:01:19,687 --> 00:01:21,907 ♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪ 37 00:01:21,907 --> 00:01:25,476 ♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪ 38 00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:26,041 ♪ Fugget about it 39 00:01:26,041 --> 00:01:28,392 ♪ Fugget about it 40 00:01:28,392 --> 00:01:29,828 ♪ Fugget about it 41 00:01:29,828 --> 00:01:30,872 Oh! Fugget about it! 42 00:01:32,352 --> 00:01:36,530 [hooves clopping] 43 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,402 [horse whinnies] 44 00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:40,447 I got here as soon as I could, Jimmy. 45 00:01:40,447 --> 00:01:42,057 What seems to be the problem? 46 00:01:42,057 --> 00:01:43,537 I miss pizza. 47 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:44,669 I beg your pardon? 48 00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:55,070 You made it sound like an emergency. 49 00:01:55,070 --> 00:01:56,159 It is. 50 00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:57,899 See, I'm in this weekly poker game 51 00:01:57,899 --> 00:01:59,553 and the guys order these pies -- 52 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:02,600 like ketchup on cardboard, and not the good kind. 53 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,297 So I was shooting my mouth off 54 00:02:04,297 --> 00:02:05,864 and promised to show 'em real pizza, 55 00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:07,387 so I'm kinda committed. 56 00:02:07,387 --> 00:02:08,693 You should be committed. 57 00:02:08,693 --> 00:02:10,477 And where do you intend to get these pies? 58 00:02:10,477 --> 00:02:11,870 That's the beauty part. 59 00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:13,350 I know this place back home, 60 00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:15,221 best pizza outside of Italy. 61 00:02:15,221 --> 00:02:17,876 And they promise delivery in thirty minutes or they're free 62 00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,660 so odds are we won't even have to pay. 63 00:02:19,660 --> 00:02:20,748 I'm sorry, no. 64 00:02:20,748 --> 00:02:23,055 Such an order may tip off your enemies. 65 00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:24,448 As for poker, 66 00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:26,537 need I remind you of the pitfalls of gambling- 67 00:02:26,537 --> 00:02:27,712 Oh man, don't you do anything for fun? 68 00:02:27,712 --> 00:02:29,757 I absolutely do. I fish. 69 00:02:29,757 --> 00:02:32,282 I hunt. I read. 70 00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:34,240 I enjoy the occasional menage a trois. 71 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,329 I dabble in embroidery and crochet. 72 00:02:36,329 --> 00:02:38,679 But what I don't do is gamble. 73 00:02:38,679 --> 00:02:40,942 A hundred bucks says you do. 74 00:02:40,942 --> 00:02:43,467 Alright, I know your secrets. 75 00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:45,295 It's time you learn one of mine. 76 00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:46,557 Whoa! 77 00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:47,471 I don't wanna know who you manage a trois with. 78 00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:50,778 Imagine, if you will, a young McCool. 79 00:02:50,778 --> 00:02:52,998 Aimless, direction-less, muscle-less. 80 00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:56,175 And then he discovered... 81 00:02:56,175 --> 00:02:58,699 the wager. 82 00:02:58,699 --> 00:03:01,224 At first it was just harmless games of gin rummy 83 00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:02,790 for a penny a point. 84 00:03:02,790 --> 00:03:04,488 But soon that wasn't enough... 85 00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:07,012 It had to be a quarter, a dollar, a hundred. 86 00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:08,970 Nor did it matter what the game was. 87 00:03:08,970 --> 00:03:10,668 Cards, dice, ponies, pigs. 88 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:15,194 JIMMY: Why do you look like a hippie if it was the nineties? 89 00:03:15,194 --> 00:03:16,500 McCOOL: Stay on topic, Jimmy. 90 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,937 Never in my life had I felt such a rush. 91 00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:20,852 I was hooked. 92 00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:22,375 I'd go on week long binges 93 00:03:22,375 --> 00:03:23,985 and forget to feed Horse... 94 00:03:23,985 --> 00:03:25,987 I put my sainted mother in a home 95 00:03:25,987 --> 00:03:27,989 and lost her rent money at the track. 96 00:03:27,989 --> 00:03:31,036 I turned my back on almost everyone I cared about, 97 00:03:31,036 --> 00:03:32,690 and they me. 98 00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:36,607 And I was about to lose the only one I had left. 99 00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:37,912 Don't go! 100 00:03:37,912 --> 00:03:39,784 Without you I have no one. 101 00:03:39,784 --> 00:03:41,046 [neighs] 102 00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,613 You're right. I'll never bet again. 103 00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:44,571 [whinnies] 104 00:03:44,571 --> 00:03:47,139 I know I've said this before, but this time I mean it. 105 00:03:47,139 --> 00:03:48,401 [whinnies] 106 00:03:48,401 --> 00:03:50,011 Yes, really. 107 00:03:50,011 --> 00:03:52,231 And that was the moment 108 00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:55,843 I vowed to put my life together. 109 00:03:55,843 --> 00:03:58,368 The moment I decided to be a Mountie! 110 00:03:58,368 --> 00:04:02,285 And I have not wagered a penny since. 111 00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:02,937 I just got one question. 112 00:04:02,937 --> 00:04:04,330 What kind of landlord 113 00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:06,550 lets you keep a horse in your apartment? 114 00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:07,768 Indeed. 115 00:04:07,768 --> 00:04:09,422 For Canada, 116 00:04:09,422 --> 00:04:11,729 and flashbacks that remain relevant to the storyline! 117 00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:14,384 [sonic boom] 118 00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:19,650 Isn't it a glorious day in Regina? 119 00:04:19,650 --> 00:04:22,348 The sun is shining, the snow is melting. 120 00:04:22,348 --> 00:04:24,045 One can look out 121 00:04:24,045 --> 00:04:25,525 and see endless miles of wheat and wheat. 122 00:04:25,525 --> 00:04:28,354 What's up with you?Petey's got a girlfriend. 123 00:04:28,354 --> 00:04:29,442 Shut up! 124 00:04:29,442 --> 00:04:31,270 Ooh, a girlfriend. 125 00:04:31,270 --> 00:04:32,837 Tell me about her. 126 00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:34,273 Her name's Rita. 127 00:04:34,273 --> 00:04:37,102 They kissed in the parking lot behind Mrs. McGeevy's car. 128 00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:38,799 Shut up!Ow! 129 00:04:38,799 --> 00:04:41,280 Don't ever tell me to shut up. [phone rings] 130 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:43,587 Hello... Yes, Petey is here. 131 00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:44,979 Who may I say is calling? 132 00:04:44,979 --> 00:04:46,720 Ooooh, Rita. 133 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,332 Petey speaks so highly of you...Mother! No! 134 00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:50,202 He speaks highly of us too? 135 00:04:50,202 --> 00:04:52,509 Oh get the [bleep] outta here... 136 00:04:52,509 --> 00:04:53,161 Mo-om... 137 00:04:53,161 --> 00:04:55,076 Ow! What was that for? 138 00:04:55,076 --> 00:04:57,644 Don't ever hit my big brother. 139 00:04:57,644 --> 00:05:00,081 You little squirt... 140 00:05:00,081 --> 00:05:01,909 Okay. 141 00:05:01,909 --> 00:05:03,258 Thanks, Gina. That was really - 142 00:05:03,258 --> 00:05:04,434 Two bucks. 143 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:05,522 What? 144 00:05:05,522 --> 00:05:06,740 Two bucks. 145 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,960 Uh, okay. 146 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,962 So, Rita, what are you doing next Sunday? 147 00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:12,790 Would you like to come for family dinner? 148 00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:14,400 Rita! Say no! Run! 149 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,097 Good, we can't wait to meet ya. 150 00:05:16,097 --> 00:05:17,838 Buh-bye! 151 00:05:17,838 --> 00:05:19,144 Oh, did you want to talk to her? 152 00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:20,319 That's okay. 153 00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:21,755 I'm going to go take a bath. 154 00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:26,456 Raise five.Shwa shwa. 155 00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:28,109 So sorry to disturb, Premier! 156 00:05:28,109 --> 00:05:29,850 These documents just arrived from Ottawa 157 00:05:29,850 --> 00:05:30,938 for your immediate attention! 158 00:05:30,938 --> 00:05:33,680 Keep your knickers on, laddie, I'm playing. 159 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:34,028 Put 'em with the others. 160 00:05:36,596 --> 00:05:39,033 Alright, Jimmy, you Scottish bastard. 161 00:05:39,033 --> 00:05:41,819 It'll cost ya five more if you wanna see my cards. 162 00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:45,083 Or do you not have the balls, you nutless lassie? 163 00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:48,303 I see your five, and raise another five. 164 00:05:48,303 --> 00:05:50,393 Fold. 165 00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:53,308 Read 'em and weep. Kings and nines. 166 00:05:53,308 --> 00:05:54,745 Three ladies. 167 00:05:54,745 --> 00:05:56,703 Sounds like my crib every night. 168 00:05:56,703 --> 00:05:58,618 Heyo. 169 00:05:59,706 --> 00:06:01,404 Grab a chair, McCool. 170 00:06:01,404 --> 00:06:02,970 We need some fresh blood. 171 00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:05,886 Thank you, sir. But I don't gamble. 172 00:06:05,886 --> 00:06:07,148 C'mon, McCool. 173 00:06:07,148 --> 00:06:08,106 The Injun's taking everything we got. 174 00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:10,761 And how often do you hear that? 175 00:06:10,761 --> 00:06:13,764 Fellas, if the man don't gamble, the man don't gamble. 176 00:06:13,764 --> 00:06:15,461 Shwa shwa. 177 00:06:15,461 --> 00:06:18,464 Where I come from the only men who don't gamble are ladies. 178 00:06:18,464 --> 00:06:21,336 Well, I suppose one hand won't hurt. 179 00:06:21,336 --> 00:06:24,470 Jimmy, I'm a little short on cash. 180 00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:25,558 Would you extend a man a small loan? 181 00:06:25,558 --> 00:06:28,387 [horse neighs] 182 00:06:28,387 --> 00:06:29,562 You sure you wanna do this? 183 00:06:29,562 --> 00:06:32,043 What about everything you said the other day? 184 00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:34,567 I've been thinking about that these past few seconds. 185 00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:37,004 I haven't gambled in almost fifteen years. 186 00:06:37,004 --> 00:06:38,571 Clearly a man with a gambling problem 187 00:06:38,571 --> 00:06:39,616 couldn't achieve that. 188 00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:42,575 Okay, I'll give you a friendly loan - 189 00:06:42,575 --> 00:06:44,447 at eighteen per cent - but this is business. 190 00:06:44,447 --> 00:06:47,145 No one's gonna take it easy on you, not even me. 191 00:06:47,145 --> 00:06:49,539 Jimmy, if I enter that game, 192 00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:52,324 it's you and the others I'd be worried about. 193 00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:54,718 Ante up, boys! It's my deal! 194 00:07:04,771 --> 00:07:06,033 Gentlemen, I don't even have to look at the cards. 195 00:07:06,033 --> 00:07:08,209 I look into your eyes 196 00:07:08,209 --> 00:07:10,081 and I know what's in your mind... 197 00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:11,996 You want us to think you made your straight, 198 00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:13,432 but you never got the nine. 199 00:07:13,432 --> 00:07:15,173 You made your trip sevens, 200 00:07:15,173 --> 00:07:16,479 but you don't know if they're good enough. 201 00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:18,219 You're bluffing with an ace-king high 202 00:07:18,219 --> 00:07:19,960 and you're cheating on your wife. 203 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,485 You're disgusting. 204 00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:27,968 Now I know my ABCs next time won't you sing with me. 205 00:07:27,968 --> 00:07:30,014 [laughs] 206 00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:32,451 I see your ten and raise ten more. 207 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:38,326 What are you doing? 208 00:07:38,326 --> 00:07:40,024 Nothing. Just a long blink. 209 00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:42,200 Open your eyes.No. 210 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,506 Alright. 211 00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:44,768 I still think you're bluffing. 212 00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,552 Call. 213 00:07:46,552 --> 00:07:47,727 Full house. 214 00:07:47,727 --> 00:07:48,989 And... 215 00:07:48,989 --> 00:07:50,469 finish blink. 216 00:07:54,821 --> 00:07:57,215 Raise five hundred. 217 00:07:57,215 --> 00:07:59,086 And that should send you home. 218 00:07:59,086 --> 00:08:01,001 Jimmy, you just walked into my trap. 219 00:08:01,001 --> 00:08:03,830 I see your five hundred... 220 00:08:03,830 --> 00:08:06,877 and I raise you ten thousand. 221 00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:08,792 [gasp] Bloddy Hell!Shwa shwa! 222 00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:12,360 Buddy, you're already into me deeper than you wanna be. 223 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,058 Whatsamatter? Are you chicken? 224 00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:16,190 McCool, you don't have this one. 225 00:08:16,190 --> 00:08:18,453 Buuck buuck buuck buuck buuck. 226 00:08:18,453 --> 00:08:19,846 You started strong 227 00:08:19,846 --> 00:08:22,283 but lady luck is banging another guy. 228 00:08:22,283 --> 00:08:22,980 Oink, oink, oink, oink. 229 00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:25,243 Just walk away. 230 00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:27,462 Moooo, mooooooooo. 231 00:08:27,462 --> 00:08:29,203 Who you calling a cow? 232 00:08:29,203 --> 00:08:31,815 Alright, you got it! Ten G's more. 233 00:08:31,815 --> 00:08:34,295 Four kings. 234 00:08:34,295 --> 00:08:36,471 Four aces.What? 235 00:08:36,471 --> 00:08:38,038 You owe me fifty large, Special Agent. 236 00:08:38,038 --> 00:08:42,347 I -- I -- I don't have it. 237 00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:44,131 Then I'll put you on a plan. 238 00:08:44,131 --> 00:08:47,134 In the meantime, I'll take some collateral. 239 00:08:47,134 --> 00:08:49,049 No! Not Horse! 240 00:08:49,049 --> 00:08:51,530 What have I done? 241 00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:53,140 I tried to warn you, buddy. 242 00:08:53,140 --> 00:08:53,837 Now I own you. 243 00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:56,187 For Canada, and -- 244 00:08:58,493 --> 00:08:59,277 I'll walk him out from here. 245 00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:05,762 Hey Cheech, I'm makin' a list 246 00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:07,328 of stuff to ask from McCool. 247 00:09:07,328 --> 00:09:08,634 He can't pay us back 248 00:09:08,634 --> 00:09:10,505 so he's gotta let us do whatever we want. 249 00:09:10,505 --> 00:09:11,463 What should I put you down for? 250 00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:12,812 A puppy. 251 00:09:12,812 --> 00:09:13,987 You don't need McCool for that. 252 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:14,988 You can get a puppy anyway. 253 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,207 Can I? 254 00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:16,729 No, cause I'd have to walk it 255 00:09:16,729 --> 00:09:19,079 and clean up after it. 256 00:09:19,079 --> 00:09:20,472 I'm thinking more like taking the family on a cruise. 257 00:09:20,472 --> 00:09:22,517 Me included? 258 00:09:22,517 --> 00:09:23,736 Yeah, you included. 259 00:09:23,736 --> 00:09:24,911 Then who's gonna watch the puppy? 260 00:09:24,911 --> 00:09:26,434 There is no puppy! 261 00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:28,132 Jimmy, what kind of sad childhood 262 00:09:28,132 --> 00:09:30,961 did you have that you hate puppies? 263 00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,789 Hi, I need your help. 264 00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:35,095 How do I get Rita out of coming for dinner? 265 00:09:35,095 --> 00:09:36,227 Why do you want to do that? 266 00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:37,707 Because she's Persian, 267 00:09:37,707 --> 00:09:39,709 and you know how our family is 268 00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:41,188 with people who are different from them. 269 00:09:41,188 --> 00:09:42,668 But what's wrong with being Persian? 270 00:09:42,668 --> 00:09:44,583 Everyone loves Paris! 271 00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:46,759 No, not Parisian, Persian. 272 00:09:46,759 --> 00:09:49,153 Iranian... From Iran. 273 00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:50,720 You mean like one of those chicks 274 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,070 who strap bombs on her chest and go into night clubs? 275 00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:54,680 I never got that look. 276 00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:56,334 No! That's what I'm talking about. 277 00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:58,075 That's racist. 278 00:09:58,075 --> 00:10:00,207 You take that back! Racism is ugly! 279 00:10:00,207 --> 00:10:01,556 And I'm pretty! 280 00:10:01,556 --> 00:10:03,036 Mo-om! 281 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,472 Petey said we're racist! 282 00:10:04,472 --> 00:10:06,126 [sighs] 283 00:10:06,126 --> 00:10:07,432 ...And I'm pleased to say 284 00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:08,912 I am no longer gambling 285 00:10:08,912 --> 00:10:11,044 and I'm ready to pay my debt. 286 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,698 [rattles] 287 00:10:12,698 --> 00:10:14,918 You're a little light. 288 00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:17,355 The ATM was out... 289 00:10:17,355 --> 00:10:18,965 bank messed up the transfer... 290 00:10:18,965 --> 00:10:20,706 Check's in the mail... 291 00:10:20,706 --> 00:10:22,316 You don't think we heard these before? 292 00:10:22,316 --> 00:10:23,970 Dog ate it.He has a dog. 293 00:10:23,970 --> 00:10:25,450 Alright, I don't have it all, 294 00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:27,060 but I'm doing the best I can. 295 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,192 I understand, 296 00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:30,237 it's a lot of money to get all at once. 297 00:10:30,237 --> 00:10:32,370 So in loo of cash, 298 00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:34,981 there's a number of favours you can do for us. 299 00:10:34,981 --> 00:10:36,330 That's blackmail! 300 00:10:36,330 --> 00:10:39,029 You owe me fifty G's from gambling. 301 00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:40,944 Wanna take that up with your supervisor? 302 00:10:40,944 --> 00:10:42,162 Jimmy, please. 303 00:10:42,162 --> 00:10:43,773 Don't do anything rash. 304 00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:45,600 I've taken on a whole array of extra jobs. 305 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:46,863 I'll get you your money, 306 00:10:46,863 --> 00:10:49,866 by any means necessary, except crime. 307 00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:51,519 How do you make money without crime? 308 00:10:51,519 --> 00:10:52,956 Indeed. 309 00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:54,218 Now if you'll excuse me, 310 00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:55,610 I have work to attend. 311 00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:57,830 I miss you, old friend. 312 00:10:57,830 --> 00:10:59,397 [horse neighs] 313 00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:03,401 I deserve as much, but I shall get you back. 314 00:11:03,401 --> 00:11:04,707 For Canada... 315 00:11:04,707 --> 00:11:05,838 [sighs] 316 00:11:05,838 --> 00:11:11,017 where these boots are made for walking. 317 00:11:11,017 --> 00:11:21,375 [♪] 318 00:11:21,375 --> 00:11:23,813 Are you satisfied with your long distance carrier? 319 00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:48,272 [♪] 320 00:11:48,272 --> 00:11:50,317 Smile. 321 00:11:50,317 --> 00:11:55,801 [♪] 322 00:11:55,801 --> 00:11:57,063 Look what I found at the newsstand. 323 00:11:57,063 --> 00:11:59,674 I don't believe it... 324 00:11:59,674 --> 00:12:00,414 I know! 325 00:12:00,414 --> 00:12:01,459 They printed my letter! 326 00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:04,810 Not that. That's McCool on the cover. 327 00:12:04,810 --> 00:12:07,378 I can't believe he'd stoop this low for money. 328 00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:09,380 It's really sad. 329 00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:12,470 Jeez, I don't know if I should feel bad for the guy, 330 00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:14,298 or intimidated. 331 00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:15,647 There you are. 332 00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:17,823 Did you know your son is ashamed of us? 333 00:12:17,823 --> 00:12:19,651 What? Petey! Get down here! 334 00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:22,088 Yes Pop? 335 00:12:22,088 --> 00:12:23,481 Your mother says you're ashamed of us. 336 00:12:23,481 --> 00:12:24,874 What the hell's that about? 337 00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:25,788 Okay, I'll be honest. 338 00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:28,268 This girl I like is coming to dinner 339 00:12:28,268 --> 00:12:29,835 and she's Middle Eastern 340 00:12:29,835 --> 00:12:32,403 and I'm terrified that you, one of you... 341 00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:34,274 ...most likely you... 342 00:12:34,274 --> 00:12:36,320 ...will offend her, and she'll come to hate me for it. 343 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,149 Petey, you gotta relax about this stuff. 344 00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:40,715 When I was growing up in the ol' neighborhood, 345 00:12:40,715 --> 00:12:43,066 we was all everything, we was all friends, 346 00:12:43,066 --> 00:12:44,502 it didn't mean nuthin. 347 00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:45,068 We called each other dagoes and hebes 348 00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:47,418 and micks and n-words. 349 00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:48,767 You actually used the n-word? 350 00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:51,291 Yeah, but only to their faces, never behind their backs. 351 00:12:51,291 --> 00:12:53,946 That would be insensitive. 352 00:12:53,946 --> 00:12:55,643 Something a spic would do.Ugh. 353 00:12:55,643 --> 00:12:57,820 You see? Your father makes good sense. 354 00:12:57,820 --> 00:12:59,778 Mother! A turban? Really? 355 00:12:59,778 --> 00:13:01,867 It's not a turban, it's a towel! 356 00:13:01,867 --> 00:13:03,738 Yeah, what's wrong with having a towel-head? 357 00:13:03,738 --> 00:13:05,044 You guys are killing me. 358 00:13:05,044 --> 00:13:06,219 Nobody's killing nobody. 359 00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,439 Just lemme frisk this girl when she gets here. 360 00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:10,528 No bomb, no problem. 361 00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:16,099 [O Canada doorbell] 362 00:13:18,144 --> 00:13:20,799 Special Agent McCool can't come to the door right now. 363 00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:22,670 Please leave a message in the mailbox. 364 00:13:22,670 --> 00:13:24,281 We know you're in there, McCool. 365 00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:25,543 No you don't. 366 00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:26,544 He's got a point, Jimmy. 367 00:13:26,544 --> 00:13:29,416 Can anyone ever really "know" anything? 368 00:13:29,416 --> 00:13:31,592 McCool! You can't avoid us. 369 00:13:31,592 --> 00:13:33,464 It's your job to take care of us. 370 00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:35,858 My next payment isn't due until tomorrow. 371 00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,816 We ain't here for the money. 372 00:13:37,816 --> 00:13:39,165 In that case... 373 00:13:39,165 --> 00:13:41,689 May I interest you in some Helen de Carlo Cosmetics? 374 00:13:41,689 --> 00:13:42,908 Jeez. You look like hell. 375 00:13:42,908 --> 00:13:44,605 Have you lost... height? 376 00:13:44,605 --> 00:13:47,870 Let me go get my samples. I'll be right back. 377 00:13:50,002 --> 00:13:51,134 Look at him, Cheech. 378 00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:53,049 He's a shadow of his former self. 379 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:55,486 No dignity, no self-respect, 380 00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:57,923 he's given up on everything he cares about 381 00:13:57,923 --> 00:13:59,751 and it's my fault. 382 00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:01,231 So? 383 00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:02,362 Just sayin'. 384 00:14:02,362 --> 00:14:03,624 Alright, who wants moisturizer? 385 00:14:03,624 --> 00:14:06,149 McCool, sit down. 386 00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:07,890 You know that list of requests we gave ya? 387 00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:09,717 I think we was thinkin' too small. 388 00:14:09,717 --> 00:14:12,111 First, we'd like to go visit the old neighborhood. 389 00:14:12,111 --> 00:14:14,113 Jimmy, you know that's impossible. 390 00:14:14,113 --> 00:14:16,246 Then pay up. 391 00:14:16,246 --> 00:14:17,812 Fine. I'll work it out. 392 00:14:17,812 --> 00:14:18,770 Also, maybe a cruise.Fine. 393 00:14:18,770 --> 00:14:20,859 And a puppy.Fine. 394 00:14:20,859 --> 00:14:22,817 No puppy!Fine. 395 00:14:22,817 --> 00:14:24,167 C'mon, McCool. 396 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:27,170 Pull yourself together, you're making me feel bad. 397 00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:30,390 Where's our usual back-and-forth, our Tony Banta? 398 00:14:30,390 --> 00:14:33,176 You know what, Jimmy? You're right. 399 00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:35,613 Good. Let's get back to it. 400 00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:37,223 So if they do another one of those 401 00:14:37,223 --> 00:14:39,095 private rocket ships to outer space, 402 00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:40,052 I think Petey would like that. 403 00:14:40,052 --> 00:14:42,359 No. No to everything. 404 00:14:42,359 --> 00:14:43,142 It all stops now. 405 00:14:43,142 --> 00:14:45,884 Yeah, this is what I like. 406 00:14:45,884 --> 00:14:48,408 You and me going at it mambo-a-mambo. 407 00:14:48,408 --> 00:14:49,801 Now my turn. 408 00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:52,369 You want me to take this up with your supervisor? 409 00:14:52,369 --> 00:14:53,761 You don't have to, Jimmy. 410 00:14:53,761 --> 00:14:54,806 I will pay you what I owe you, 411 00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:58,201 but I will besmirch my uniform no more. 412 00:14:58,201 --> 00:14:59,593 As of tomorrow, 413 00:14:59,593 --> 00:15:02,945 I will resign my commission as a Mountie. 414 00:15:02,945 --> 00:15:04,163 Holy hell. 415 00:15:04,163 --> 00:15:06,644 ♪ Bom bom bommmm. 416 00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:08,037 Jimmy look at this, I'm talking to a squirrel. 417 00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:11,954 ♪ Bom bom bommmm. 418 00:15:15,044 --> 00:15:16,610 I mean, you should've seen the guy. 419 00:15:16,610 --> 00:15:18,873 I know it's hard to imagine, but he looked bad. 420 00:15:18,873 --> 00:15:20,092 Real bad. 421 00:15:20,092 --> 00:15:21,964 It is hard to imagine. 422 00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,748 [laughs] 423 00:15:23,748 --> 00:15:25,402 I never should have lent a guy with a gambling problem 424 00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:28,971 all that money, and then I pushed him on top of it. 425 00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:31,669 He's a stand-up guy for a cop. 426 00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:32,670 He's always been fair to us, 427 00:15:32,670 --> 00:15:34,585 and we could do a lot worse. 428 00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:36,804 Even his quitting shows a little back-bacon. 429 00:15:36,804 --> 00:15:38,371 That's how they say it in Canada. 430 00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:40,939 Jimmy? Are you developing a conscience? 431 00:15:40,939 --> 00:15:42,245 Conscience? 432 00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:44,116 Nah, I just got this inner sense of right and wrong 433 00:15:44,116 --> 00:15:45,944 that's impelling me toward moral action. 434 00:15:45,944 --> 00:15:47,380 What are you saying? 435 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:48,903 I broke him so I gotta fix him. 436 00:15:48,903 --> 00:15:50,470 I'm gonna let him off the hook, 437 00:15:50,470 --> 00:15:51,732 wipe the slate clean. 438 00:15:51,732 --> 00:15:54,518 You really are a lovable teddy-bear. 439 00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:56,737 Yeah, don't tell anyone. 440 00:15:56,737 --> 00:15:59,610 Mommy! Daddy! I can't sleep! 441 00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,264 What's wrong, sweetheart? 442 00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:02,526 I heard you and Daddy talking through the wall 443 00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:05,355 and Daddy said he's going to let someone who owes him money 444 00:16:05,355 --> 00:16:08,184 not pay! 445 00:16:08,184 --> 00:16:10,142 I don't understand! 446 00:16:10,142 --> 00:16:12,362 I'm scared! 447 00:16:12,362 --> 00:16:14,973 Aw sweetie, there's nothing to be scared of. 448 00:16:14,973 --> 00:16:16,670 The man owes me more money than he's got, 449 00:16:16,670 --> 00:16:18,629 and it's destroying him. 450 00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:20,196 He's doing it again Ma! 451 00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:22,633 He's doing it again! 452 00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:25,201 Oh sweetie, it's a sin to let others suffer. 453 00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,594 Oh, like a hurt animal? 454 00:16:27,594 --> 00:16:29,248 Then we gotta do the Christian thing 455 00:16:29,248 --> 00:16:31,076 and put him out of his misery. 456 00:16:31,076 --> 00:16:32,599 Let's whack him! 457 00:16:32,599 --> 00:16:34,514 Aw, Gina... 458 00:16:35,950 --> 00:16:37,039 That's very generous of you, Jimmy. 459 00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:39,693 I would be forever in your debt, 460 00:16:39,693 --> 00:16:41,565 and so, I cannot accept. 461 00:16:41,565 --> 00:16:43,045 No strings, honest. 462 00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:43,784 And the blackmail stops. 463 00:16:43,784 --> 00:16:45,917 You can stay a Mountie. 464 00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:47,571 It's more complicated than that. 465 00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:48,746 To recover from my addiction 466 00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:50,400 I have to take responsibility for my actions. 467 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:54,839 Even if that means doing shameful, shameful things. 468 00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:56,884 Ah, no one's gonna buy that magazine. 469 00:16:56,884 --> 00:16:58,234 Really? 470 00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:01,672 Tell me the truth, Jimmy. Do you find me attractive? 471 00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:03,543 'Kay, we're not going there. 472 00:17:03,543 --> 00:17:07,199 Isn't there anyone you'd be willing to take help from? 473 00:17:07,199 --> 00:17:10,376 Only a true loved one, but I have no siblings, 474 00:17:10,376 --> 00:17:12,422 Daddy left when I was very young, 475 00:17:12,422 --> 00:17:13,988 and Mummy lost her marbles. 476 00:17:13,988 --> 00:17:15,599 All I had was horse... 477 00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:18,036 Tell you what. 478 00:17:18,036 --> 00:17:19,298 Don't quit your Mountie thing just yet. 479 00:17:19,298 --> 00:17:20,647 Gimme 'til the end of the week. 480 00:17:20,647 --> 00:17:22,519 Can you sign this? 481 00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:24,390 Certainly. 482 00:17:24,390 --> 00:17:24,825 You wanna party? 483 00:17:24,825 --> 00:17:26,914 Certainly not... 484 00:17:26,914 --> 00:17:30,701 well, define party. 485 00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,355 I still don't get it. 486 00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:33,530 It's simple. 487 00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:35,880 McCool won't let me forgive his debt so... 488 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,534 ...he's just gonna have to find the money on his own. 489 00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:41,929 He'll give it back to me and everybody's square. 490 00:17:41,929 --> 00:17:44,193 I have found a satchel of money on the street. 491 00:17:44,193 --> 00:17:46,195 It must be returned to its rightful owner! 492 00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:48,110 What an [bleep]hole. 493 00:17:50,634 --> 00:17:51,896 I can't believe it. 494 00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:53,985 You try to help a guy and it bites ya in the ass. 495 00:17:53,985 --> 00:17:55,508 Well, you know what they say. 496 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,815 Try to help a guy and it bites ya in the ass. 497 00:17:57,815 --> 00:18:01,775 The funny thing is I still wanna figure out a way to help him. 498 00:18:01,775 --> 00:18:03,995 [doorbell]I'll get it! I'll get it! 499 00:18:03,995 --> 00:18:04,735 Hi Petey. Thanks for inviting me. 500 00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:06,780 Is that her? 501 00:18:06,780 --> 00:18:08,304 I'll be right out! 502 00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:09,218 Look, there's no time to explain. 503 00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:12,221 Just don't judge me by my family. 504 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,223 And whatever happens, I'll protect you... 505 00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:15,615 And no, 506 00:18:15,615 --> 00:18:17,443 I have no idea why there's a horse in our living room. 507 00:18:17,443 --> 00:18:20,098 Hi, you must be Rita. 508 00:18:20,098 --> 00:18:20,707 I'm Cookie. 509 00:18:20,707 --> 00:18:23,319 She's adorable. 510 00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:25,059 Yes she is, yes she is. 511 00:18:25,059 --> 00:18:26,496 Come, sit. 512 00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:28,150 Dinner'll be ready in about ten minutes. 513 00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:33,633 So, Rita, tell me about yourself. 514 00:18:33,633 --> 00:18:34,895 What would you like to know? 515 00:18:34,895 --> 00:18:36,114 I don't know what I'd like to know. 516 00:18:36,114 --> 00:18:38,072 What do your parents do? 517 00:18:38,072 --> 00:18:39,248 I knew it. 518 00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:40,988 Just because she's from the Middle East 519 00:18:40,988 --> 00:18:42,512 you automatically assume her parents 520 00:18:42,512 --> 00:18:45,210 must be terrorists or taxi drivers. 521 00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:47,299 I never said --My father is a dentist 522 00:18:47,299 --> 00:18:48,344 and my mother is a stay-at-home Mom. 523 00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:51,390 And no, it's not because her father 524 00:18:51,390 --> 00:18:53,175 will punish her mother if she works, 525 00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:54,524 thank you very much. 526 00:18:54,524 --> 00:18:56,743 Two of my wives were stay-at-home-moms, 527 00:18:56,743 --> 00:18:59,572 but without the kids. 528 00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:01,400 Basically, they were leaches. 529 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,315 [laughs] Your Uncle is funny. 530 00:19:03,315 --> 00:19:04,447 Not really. Just retarded. 531 00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:07,928 So, Rita, are you thinking about college yet? 532 00:19:07,928 --> 00:19:09,539 Why? 533 00:19:09,539 --> 00:19:10,235 Because Muslim women aren't allowed to go to school? 534 00:19:10,235 --> 00:19:12,672 They're just supposed to stay home 535 00:19:12,672 --> 00:19:13,630 and be subservient to their man? 536 00:19:13,630 --> 00:19:16,415 Is that what you're asking?I give up. 537 00:19:16,415 --> 00:19:17,982 Jimmy, you wanna ask her anything? 538 00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:20,289 Okay. Rita... 539 00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:21,333 Say something you did is destroying a guy, 540 00:19:21,333 --> 00:19:23,901 and all you wanna do is make peace. 541 00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:25,207 But he don't want peace, 542 00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:27,470 he just wants to keep the same ole pattern going. 543 00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:28,862 What do you do? 544 00:19:28,862 --> 00:19:30,386 What's that supposed to be? 545 00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:33,519 Some warped metaphor of the Arab-Israeli conflict? 546 00:19:33,519 --> 00:19:36,783 Rita! Hi! I love what you're wearing! 547 00:19:36,783 --> 00:19:37,871 What'd you expect? 548 00:19:37,871 --> 00:19:38,916 You people! 549 00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:40,700 What, she was supposed to show up 550 00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:42,659 in a burka and a turban going... 551 00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:44,835 [high-pitched cry] 552 00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:46,445 Petey! Enough! 553 00:19:46,445 --> 00:19:48,099 Can you talk about anything other than my race? 554 00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:49,796 Me?Race? 555 00:19:49,796 --> 00:19:51,233 That's it! A race. 556 00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:52,712 Yes, Petey, I'm Persian, 557 00:19:52,712 --> 00:19:54,192 and that's all you can see! 558 00:19:54,192 --> 00:19:56,150 But I'm a real person with real feelings 559 00:19:56,150 --> 00:19:57,413 and you've done nothing 560 00:19:57,413 --> 00:19:59,284 but make me uncomfortable since I got here! 561 00:19:59,284 --> 00:20:01,852 I'm sorry, Mrs. McDougal, you all seem lovely, 562 00:20:01,852 --> 00:20:03,810 but I don't think I can stay for dinner. 563 00:20:03,810 --> 00:20:06,422 And by the way, 564 00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:08,902 there's nothing wrong with driving a taxi! 565 00:20:08,902 --> 00:20:11,209 It's an honest, decent living! 566 00:20:11,209 --> 00:20:14,081 And yeah, I lied, my father drives a taxi! 567 00:20:14,081 --> 00:20:16,997 You dirty racist snob! 568 00:20:16,997 --> 00:20:19,826 [sobs] 569 00:20:19,826 --> 00:20:23,352 One way or another, them Arabs always explode. 570 00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:26,050 Look, he won't take the money from me. 571 00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:28,531 If I just give it to you, 572 00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:30,489 he'll know it's from me anyway. 573 00:20:30,489 --> 00:20:33,144 You gotta get this money on your own. 574 00:20:33,144 --> 00:20:34,798 I know he broke his promise to you 575 00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:36,103 and you're mad. 576 00:20:36,103 --> 00:20:37,975 But he's your best friend, and you're all he's got. 577 00:20:37,975 --> 00:20:39,455 So you can stay mad at him, 578 00:20:39,455 --> 00:20:41,021 or you can help him. 579 00:20:41,021 --> 00:20:43,023 His life is in your hands. 580 00:20:43,023 --> 00:20:44,198 Or you can keep bunking with Cheech 581 00:20:44,198 --> 00:20:46,070 for the rest of your life. 582 00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:47,767 [horse neighs]Whoa! 583 00:20:47,767 --> 00:20:52,990 [bugle call] 584 00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:54,774 [bell] And they're off! 585 00:20:54,774 --> 00:20:56,036 Doughgal comes out in front, 586 00:20:56,036 --> 00:20:57,081 followed by Dilligence. 587 00:20:57,081 --> 00:20:59,170 That's-So-Wrong bringing up the rear. 588 00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:00,650 It's Dough and Dill. 589 00:21:00,650 --> 00:21:02,521 Dill, Dough. Dill, Dough. 590 00:21:02,521 --> 00:21:04,436 That's-So-Wrong making its move. 591 00:21:04,436 --> 00:21:06,046 Passes Ointment. Passes Gas. 592 00:21:06,046 --> 00:21:07,396 Passes Mustard. Movin' in on Dill. 593 00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:10,529 It's Dill, Dough and That's-So-Wrong. 594 00:21:10,529 --> 00:21:12,879 That's-So-Wrong coming up the rear, 595 00:21:12,879 --> 00:21:13,793 he'll never be able to do it, 596 00:21:13,793 --> 00:21:16,274 but hang on, here comes Ointment! 597 00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:18,189 Dill falls behind. 598 00:21:18,189 --> 00:21:19,669 It's That's-So-Wrong and Dough. 599 00:21:19,669 --> 00:21:20,800 Dough and That's-So-Wrong. 600 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,019 It's... 601 00:21:22,019 --> 00:21:23,673 A photo finish! 602 00:21:23,673 --> 00:21:26,023 It's... That's-So-Wrong by a nose! 603 00:21:28,721 --> 00:21:31,158 I've never been with a four-legged broad 604 00:21:31,158 --> 00:21:33,378 but I'm open to anything. 605 00:21:33,378 --> 00:21:35,989 [♪] 606 00:21:35,989 --> 00:21:36,729 [neighs] 607 00:21:36,729 --> 00:21:47,566 [♪] 608 00:21:47,566 --> 00:21:49,612 [neighs] 609 00:21:49,612 --> 00:21:52,049 [applause] 610 00:21:52,049 --> 00:21:56,923 [cheering] 611 00:21:56,923 --> 00:21:58,055 Awww. 612 00:21:58,055 --> 00:21:59,839 Please don't kiss, please don't kiss.