Good evening.
My name is Peter McDougal, at least it is now.
I have also been called a geek...
...a nerd, a geeky nerd, a nerdy geek,
and a geeky-geeky- nerd-nerd....
But for most of my life,
I've been known as Petey Falcone, son of...
Jimmy Falcone...
...one of New York's most notorious mobsters.
But despite what you may have read about my father...
...he's actually been a very loving man
who would do anything for his family.
Strike three, you're out! [bat hits fence]
I mean, home run!
But then one day the mob turned against him -
as mobsters are prone to do...
...and they didn't care if they got any of us in the process.
But he protected his family,
and heroically helped convict
some of the most horrible men in the country.
All of whom were at my Communion.
And that's how we wound up here,
in witness protection, in Regina -
Vagina!Saskatchewan.
And if any of you think this story
wasn't just one humongous rationalization...
Fugget about it!
♪ Let me tell you something ♪
♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪
♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪
♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪
♪ He take the boss,
♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪
♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪
♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪
♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪
♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪
♪ Fugget about it
Oh! Fugget about it!
[hooves clopping]
[horse whinnies]
I got here as soon as I could, Jimmy.
What seems to be the problem?
I miss pizza.
I beg your pardon?
You made it sound like an emergency.
It is.
See, I'm in this weekly poker game
and the guys order these pies --
like ketchup on cardboard, and not the good kind.
So I was shooting my mouth off
and promised to show 'em real pizza,
so I'm kinda committed.
You should be committed.
And where do you intend to get these pies?
That's the beauty part.
I know this place back home,
best pizza outside of Italy.
And they promise delivery in thirty minutes or they're free
so odds are we won't even have to pay.
I'm sorry, no.
Such an order may tip off your enemies.
As for poker,
need I remind you of the pitfalls of gambling-
Oh man, don't you do anything for fun?
I absolutely do. I fish.
I hunt. I read.
I enjoy the occasional menage a trois.
I dabble in embroidery and crochet.
But what I don't do is gamble.
A hundred bucks says you do.
Alright, I know your secrets.
It's time you learn one of mine.
Whoa!
I don't wanna know who you manage a trois with.
Imagine, if you will, a young McCool.
Aimless, direction-less, muscle-less.
And then he discovered...
the wager.
At first it was just harmless games of gin rummy
for a penny a point.
But soon that wasn't enough...
It had to be a quarter, a dollar, a hundred.
Nor did it matter what the game was.
Cards, dice, ponies, pigs.
JIMMY: Why do you look like a hippie if it was the nineties?
McCOOL: Stay on topic, Jimmy.
Never in my life had I felt such a rush.
I was hooked.
I'd go on week long binges
and forget to feed Horse...
I put my sainted mother in a home
and lost her rent money at the track.
I turned my back on almost everyone I cared about,
and they me.
And I was about to lose the only one I had left.
Don't go!
Without you I have no one.
[neighs]
You're right. I'll never bet again.
[whinnies]
I know I've said this before, but this time I mean it.
[whinnies]
Yes, really.
And that was the moment
I vowed to put my life together.
The moment I decided to be a Mountie!
And I have not wagered a penny since.
I just got one question.
What kind of landlord
lets you keep a horse in your apartment?
Indeed.
For Canada,
and flashbacks that remain relevant to the storyline!
[sonic boom]
Isn't it a glorious day in Regina?
The sun is shining, the snow is melting.
One can look out
and see endless miles of wheat and wheat.
What's up with you?Petey's got a girlfriend.
Shut up!
Ooh, a girlfriend.
Tell me about her.
Her name's Rita.
They kissed in the parking lot behind Mrs. McGeevy's car.
Shut up!Ow!
Don't ever tell me to shut up. [phone rings]
Hello... Yes, Petey is here.
Who may I say is calling?
Ooooh, Rita.
Petey speaks so highly of you...Mother! No!
He speaks highly of us too?
Oh get the [bleep] outta here...
Mo-om...
Ow! What was that for?
Don't ever hit my big brother.
You little squirt...
Okay.
Thanks, Gina. That was really -
Two bucks.
What?
Two bucks.
Uh, okay.
So, Rita, what are you doing next Sunday?
Would you like to come for family dinner?
Rita! Say no! Run!
Good, we can't wait to meet ya.
Buh-bye!
Oh, did you want to talk to her?
That's okay.
I'm going to go take a bath.
Raise five.Shwa shwa.
So sorry to disturb, Premier!
These documents just arrived from Ottawa
for your immediate attention!
Keep your knickers on, laddie, I'm playing.
Put 'em with the others.
Alright, Jimmy, you Scottish bastard.
It'll cost ya five more if you wanna see my cards.
Or do you not have the balls, you nutless lassie?
I see your five, and raise another five.
Fold.
Read 'em and weep. Kings and nines.
Three ladies.
Sounds like my crib every night.
Heyo.
Grab a chair, McCool.
We need some fresh blood.
Thank you, sir. But I don't gamble.
C'mon, McCool.
The Injun's taking everything we got.
And how often do you hear that?
Fellas, if the man don't gamble, the man don't gamble.
Shwa shwa.
Where I come from the only men who don't gamble are ladies.
Well, I suppose one hand won't hurt.
Jimmy, I'm a little short on cash.
Would you extend a man a small loan?
[horse neighs]
You sure you wanna do this?
What about everything you said the other day?
I've been thinking about that these past few seconds.
I haven't gambled in almost fifteen years.
Clearly a man with a gambling problem
couldn't achieve that.
Okay, I'll give you a friendly loan -
at eighteen per cent - but this is business.
No one's gonna take it easy on you, not even me.
Jimmy, if I enter that game,
it's you and the others I'd be worried about.
Ante up, boys! It's my deal!
Gentlemen, I don't even have to look at the cards.
I look into your eyes
and I know what's in your mind...
You want us to think you made your straight,
but you never got the nine.
You made your trip sevens,
but you don't know if they're good enough.
You're bluffing with an ace-king high
and you're cheating on your wife.
You're disgusting.
Now I know my ABCs next time won't you sing with me.
[laughs]
I see your ten and raise ten more.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Just a long blink.
Open your eyes.No.
Alright.
I still think you're bluffing.
Call.
Full house.
And...
finish blink.
Raise five hundred.
And that should send you home.
Jimmy, you just walked into my trap.
I see your five hundred...
and I raise you ten thousand.
[gasp] Bloddy Hell!Shwa shwa!
Buddy, you're already into me deeper than you wanna be.
Whatsamatter? Are you chicken?
McCool, you don't have this one.
Buuck buuck buuck buuck buuck.
You started strong
but lady luck is banging another guy.
Oink, oink, oink, oink.
Just walk away.
Moooo, mooooooooo.
Who you calling a cow?
Alright, you got it! Ten G's more.
Four kings.
Four aces.What?
You owe me fifty large, Special Agent.
I -- I -- I don't have it.
Then I'll put you on a plan.
In the meantime, I'll take some collateral.
No! Not Horse!
What have I done?
I tried to warn you, buddy.
Now I own you.
For Canada, and --
I'll walk him out from here.
Hey Cheech, I'm makin' a list
of stuff to ask from McCool.
He can't pay us back
so he's gotta let us do whatever we want.
What should I put you down for?
A puppy.
You don't need McCool for that.
You can get a puppy anyway.
Can I?
No, cause I'd have to walk it
and clean up after it.
I'm thinking more like taking the family on a cruise.
Me included?
Yeah, you included.
Then who's gonna watch the puppy?
There is no puppy!
Jimmy, what kind of sad childhood
did you have that you hate puppies?
Hi, I need your help.
How do I get Rita out of coming for dinner?
Why do you want to do that?
Because she's Persian,
and you know how our family is
with people who are different from them.
But what's wrong with being Persian?
Everyone loves Paris!
No, not Parisian, Persian.
Iranian... From Iran.
You mean like one of those chicks
who strap bombs on her chest and go into night clubs?
I never got that look.
No! That's what I'm talking about.
That's racist.
You take that back! Racism is ugly!
And I'm pretty!
Mo-om!
Petey said we're racist!
[sighs]
...And I'm pleased to say
I am no longer gambling
and I'm ready to pay my debt.
[rattles]
You're a little light.
The ATM was out...
bank messed up the transfer...
Check's in the mail...
You don't think we heard these before?
Dog ate it.He has a dog.
Alright, I don't have it all,
but I'm doing the best I can.
I understand,
it's a lot of money to get all at once.
So in loo of cash,
there's a number of favours you can do for us.
That's blackmail!
You owe me fifty G's from gambling.
Wanna take that up with your supervisor?
Jimmy, please.
Don't do anything rash.
I've taken on a whole array of extra jobs.
I'll get you your money,
by any means necessary, except crime.
How do you make money without crime?
Indeed.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have work to attend.
I miss you, old friend.
[horse neighs]
I deserve as much, but I shall get you back.
For Canada...
[sighs]
where these boots are made for walking.
[♪]
Are you satisfied with your long distance carrier?
[♪]
Smile.
[♪]
Look what I found at the newsstand.
I don't believe it...
I know!
They printed my letter!
Not that. That's McCool on the cover.
I can't believe he'd stoop this low for money.
It's really sad.
Jeez, I don't know if I should feel bad for the guy,
or intimidated.
There you are.
Did you know your son is ashamed of us?
What? Petey! Get down here!
Yes Pop?
Your mother says you're ashamed of us.
What the hell's that about?
Okay, I'll be honest.
This girl I like is coming to dinner
and she's Middle Eastern
and I'm terrified that you, one of you...
...most likely you...
...will offend her, and she'll come to hate me for it.
Petey, you gotta relax about this stuff.
When I was growing up in the ol' neighborhood,
we was all everything, we was all friends,
it didn't mean nuthin.
We called each other dagoes and hebes
and micks and n-words.
You actually used the n-word?
Yeah, but only to their faces, never behind their backs.
That would be insensitive.
Something a spic would do.Ugh.
You see? Your father makes good sense.
Mother! A turban? Really?
It's not a turban, it's a towel!
Yeah, what's wrong with having a towel-head?
You guys are killing me.
Nobody's killing nobody.
Just lemme frisk this girl when she gets here.
No bomb, no problem.
[O Canada doorbell]
Special Agent McCool can't come to the door right now.
Please leave a message in the mailbox.
We know you're in there, McCool.
No you don't.
He's got a point, Jimmy.
Can anyone ever really "know" anything?
McCool! You can't avoid us.
It's your job to take care of us.
My next payment isn't due until tomorrow.
We ain't here for the money.
In that case...
May I interest you in some Helen de Carlo Cosmetics?
Jeez. You look like hell.
Have you lost... height?
Let me go get my samples. I'll be right back.
Look at him, Cheech.
He's a shadow of his former self.
No dignity, no self-respect,
he's given up on everything he cares about
and it's my fault.
So?
Just sayin'.
Alright, who wants moisturizer?
McCool, sit down.
You know that list of requests we gave ya?
I think we was thinkin' too small.
First, we'd like to go visit the old neighborhood.
Jimmy, you know that's impossible.
Then pay up.
Fine. I'll work it out.
Also, maybe a cruise.Fine.
And a puppy.Fine.
No puppy!Fine.
C'mon, McCool.
Pull yourself together, you're making me feel bad.
Where's our usual back-and-forth, our Tony Banta?
You know what, Jimmy? You're right.
Good. Let's get back to it.
So if they do another one of those
private rocket ships to outer space,
I think Petey would like that.
No. No to everything.
It all stops now.
Yeah, this is what I like.
You and me going at it mambo-a-mambo.
Now my turn.
You want me to take this up with your supervisor?
You don't have to, Jimmy.
I will pay you what I owe you,
but I will besmirch my uniform no more.
As of tomorrow,
I will resign my commission as a Mountie.
Holy hell.
♪ Bom bom bommmm.
Jimmy look at this, I'm talking to a squirrel.
♪ Bom bom bommmm.
I mean, you should've seen the guy.
I know it's hard to imagine, but he looked bad.
Real bad.
It is hard to imagine.
[laughs]
I never should have lent a guy with a gambling problem
all that money, and then I pushed him on top of it.
He's a stand-up guy for a cop.
He's always been fair to us,
and we could do a lot worse.
Even his quitting shows a little back-bacon.
That's how they say it in Canada.
Jimmy? Are you developing a conscience?
Conscience?
Nah, I just got this inner sense of right and wrong
that's impelling me toward moral action.
What are you saying?
I broke him so I gotta fix him.
I'm gonna let him off the hook,
wipe the slate clean.
You really are a lovable teddy-bear.
Yeah, don't tell anyone.
Mommy! Daddy! I can't sleep!
What's wrong, sweetheart?
I heard you and Daddy talking through the wall
and Daddy said he's going to let someone who owes him money
not pay!
I don't understand!
I'm scared!
Aw sweetie, there's nothing to be scared of.
The man owes me more money than he's got,
and it's destroying him.
He's doing it again Ma!
He's doing it again!
Oh sweetie, it's a sin to let others suffer.
Oh, like a hurt animal?
Then we gotta do the Christian thing
and put him out of his misery.
Let's whack him!
Aw, Gina...
That's very generous of you, Jimmy.
I would be forever in your debt,
and so, I cannot accept.
No strings, honest.
And the blackmail stops.
You can stay a Mountie.
It's more complicated than that.
To recover from my addiction
I have to take responsibility for my actions.
Even if that means doing shameful, shameful things.
Ah, no one's gonna buy that magazine.
Really?
Tell me the truth, Jimmy. Do you find me attractive?
'Kay, we're not going there.
Isn't there anyone you'd be willing to take help from?
Only a true loved one, but I have no siblings,
Daddy left when I was very young,
and Mummy lost her marbles.
All I had was horse...
Tell you what.
Don't quit your Mountie thing just yet.
Gimme 'til the end of the week.
Can you sign this?
Certainly.
You wanna party?
Certainly not...
well, define party.
I still don't get it.
It's simple.
McCool won't let me forgive his debt so...
...he's just gonna have to find the money on his own.
He'll give it back to me and everybody's square.
I have found a satchel of money on the street.
It must be returned to its rightful owner!
What an [bleep]hole.
I can't believe it.
You try to help a guy and it bites ya in the ass.
Well, you know what they say.
Try to help a guy and it bites ya in the ass.
The funny thing is I still wanna figure out a way to help him.
[doorbell]I'll get it! I'll get it!
Hi Petey. Thanks for inviting me.
Is that her?
I'll be right out!
Look, there's no time to explain.
Just don't judge me by my family.
And whatever happens, I'll protect you...
And no,
I have no idea why there's a horse in our living room.
Hi, you must be Rita.
I'm Cookie.
She's adorable.
Yes she is, yes she is.
Come, sit.
Dinner'll be ready in about ten minutes.
So, Rita, tell me about yourself.
What would you like to know?
I don't know what I'd like to know.
What do your parents do?
I knew it.
Just because she's from the Middle East
you automatically assume her parents
must be terrorists or taxi drivers.
I never said --My father is a dentist
and my mother is a stay-at-home Mom.
And no, it's not because her father
will punish her mother if she works,
thank you very much.
Two of my wives were stay-at-home-moms,
but without the kids.
Basically, they were leaches.
[laughs] Your Uncle is funny.
Not really. Just retarded.
So, Rita, are you thinking about college yet?
Why?
Because Muslim women aren't allowed to go to school?
They're just supposed to stay home
and be subservient to their man?
Is that what you're asking?I give up.
Jimmy, you wanna ask her anything?
Okay. Rita...
Say something you did is destroying a guy,
and all you wanna do is make peace.
But he don't want peace,
he just wants to keep the same ole pattern going.
What do you do?
What's that supposed to be?
Some warped metaphor of the Arab-Israeli conflict?
Rita! Hi! I love what you're wearing!
What'd you expect?
You people!
What, she was supposed to show up
in a burka and a turban going...
[high-pitched cry]
Petey! Enough!
Can you talk about anything other than my race?
Me?Race?
That's it! A race.
Yes, Petey, I'm Persian,
and that's all you can see!
But I'm a real person with real feelings
and you've done nothing
but make me uncomfortable since I got here!
I'm sorry, Mrs. McDougal, you all seem lovely,
but I don't think I can stay for dinner.
And by the way,
there's nothing wrong with driving a taxi!
It's an honest, decent living!
And yeah, I lied, my father drives a taxi!
You dirty racist snob!
[sobs]
One way or another, them Arabs always explode.
Look, he won't take the money from me.
If I just give it to you,
he'll know it's from me anyway.
You gotta get this money on your own.
I know he broke his promise to you
and you're mad.
But he's your best friend, and you're all he's got.
So you can stay mad at him,
or you can help him.
His life is in your hands.
Or you can keep bunking with Cheech
for the rest of your life.
[horse neighs]Whoa!
[bugle call]
[bell] And they're off!
Doughgal comes out in front,
followed by Dilligence.
That's-So-Wrong bringing up the rear.
It's Dough and Dill.
Dill, Dough. Dill, Dough.
That's-So-Wrong making its move.
Passes Ointment. Passes Gas.
Passes Mustard. Movin' in on Dill.
It's Dill, Dough and That's-So-Wrong.
That's-So-Wrong coming up the rear,
he'll never be able to do it,
but hang on, here comes Ointment!
Dill falls behind.
It's That's-So-Wrong and Dough.
Dough and That's-So-Wrong.
It's...
A photo finish!
It's... That's-So-Wrong by a nose!
I've never been with a four-legged broad
but I'm open to anything.
[♪]
[neighs]
[♪]
[neighs]
[applause]
[cheering]
Awww.
Please don't kiss, please don't kiss.