1 00:00:01,609 --> 00:00:03,133 Which one's the button again? 2 00:00:03,133 --> 00:00:04,786 Ah, there it is. 3 00:00:04,786 --> 00:00:07,398 Hey How ya doin'? I'm Cheech Falcone, well... 4 00:00:07,398 --> 00:00:08,790 McDougal. 5 00:00:08,790 --> 00:00:10,357 I got the alias in witness protection 6 00:00:10,357 --> 00:00:12,055 'cause of my nephew Jimmy. 7 00:00:12,055 --> 00:00:14,535 I don't like it, but I had no choice. 8 00:00:14,535 --> 00:00:17,060 So there's a contract out on me. Big deal! 9 00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:20,193 I mean, maybe I spilled a few secrets to anyone who'd listen, 10 00:00:20,193 --> 00:00:22,587 but there's a lotta other secrets I'd never tell a soul. 11 00:00:22,587 --> 00:00:26,678 Like the fact that we faked the moon landing. 12 00:00:26,678 --> 00:00:28,810 We were the ones who shot Dick Cheney's friend in the face. 13 00:00:28,810 --> 00:00:33,337 And we took the Weapons of Mass Distraction out of Iraq. 14 00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:36,688 Someone got the memo wrong, but still...us! 15 00:00:36,688 --> 00:00:38,994 So anyways, my nephew's gonna straighten things out 16 00:00:38,994 --> 00:00:40,692 with Don Gambini. 17 00:00:40,692 --> 00:00:41,867 Whose first name, oddly enough, is Don. 18 00:00:41,867 --> 00:00:44,304 So, if he wanted, 19 00:00:44,304 --> 00:00:46,176 he could call himself Don Don, which I would do. 20 00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:48,091 I mean, how cool would that be? 21 00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:49,614 Cheech don't mean no harm. 22 00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:52,965 He's just a little light in the cranial region - 23 00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:54,314 I got nothin' to worry about. 24 00:00:54,314 --> 00:00:54,836 Jimmy'll get me off the hook. 25 00:00:54,836 --> 00:00:57,622 [loud crash] 26 00:00:57,622 --> 00:00:59,058 Ma-rone! 27 00:00:59,058 --> 00:01:00,886 Don Don's a pancake! 28 00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:01,843 Then the mob tried to kill us, 29 00:01:01,843 --> 00:01:04,107 Jimmy ratted everyone out to the Feds. 30 00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:05,238 and we wound up in Regina - 31 00:01:05,238 --> 00:01:08,154 - Va-gina! No, wait, you were right. 32 00:01:08,154 --> 00:01:09,590 -but if you think that's gonna stop me 33 00:01:09,590 --> 00:01:11,418 from shooting my mouth off, you can just. 34 00:01:11,418 --> 00:01:13,072 What is it? I fugget what it is. 35 00:01:13,072 --> 00:01:15,857 Fugget about it!That's the one! 36 00:01:15,857 --> 00:01:17,120 ♪ Let me tell you something ♪ 37 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,817 ♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪ 38 00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:21,776 ♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪ 39 00:01:21,776 --> 00:01:24,736 ♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪ 40 00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:26,041 ♪ He take the boss, 41 00:01:26,041 --> 00:01:27,869 ♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪ 42 00:01:27,869 --> 00:01:30,872 ♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪ 43 00:01:30,872 --> 00:01:33,875 ♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪ 44 00:01:33,875 --> 00:01:36,922 ♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪ 45 00:01:36,922 --> 00:01:39,664 ♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪ 46 00:01:39,664 --> 00:01:40,969 ♪ Fugget about it 47 00:01:40,969 --> 00:01:42,580 ♪ Fugget about it 48 00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:43,189 ♪ Fugget about it 49 00:01:43,189 --> 00:01:45,191 Oh! Fugget about it! 50 00:01:48,281 --> 00:01:52,981 One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war. 51 00:01:52,981 --> 00:01:54,331 Okay, twelve-nothing. 52 00:01:54,331 --> 00:01:57,203 Hey Ma, I just saw Petey upstairs 53 00:01:57,203 --> 00:02:00,250 with one of them magazines where nobody's got no clothes on. 54 00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:02,469 What? Peter Frampton McDougal! 55 00:02:02,469 --> 00:02:04,297 You stop right now! 56 00:02:04,297 --> 00:02:06,821 No son of mine is washing with the Devil's handsoap! 57 00:02:06,821 --> 00:02:08,649 Alright, that worked, she's gone. 58 00:02:08,649 --> 00:02:10,042 Listen up. 59 00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:11,130 I got a line on something big. 60 00:02:11,130 --> 00:02:11,870 Really? Sounds big! 61 00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:14,307 First things first. 62 00:02:14,307 --> 00:02:17,876 Every time I hatch a scheme, you two gavones cut me out. 63 00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,399 Not this time. 64 00:02:19,399 --> 00:02:22,750 Either I'm in all the way or I keep this to myself. 65 00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:24,012 Isn't she cute? 66 00:02:24,012 --> 00:02:25,318 Playin' hardball like her old man. 67 00:02:25,318 --> 00:02:26,885 Okay, it's a deal, sweetie. 68 00:02:26,885 --> 00:02:28,103 Alright. 69 00:02:28,103 --> 00:02:29,322 You know Al Capone? 70 00:02:29,322 --> 00:02:32,847 Only the architect of modern crime! 71 00:02:32,847 --> 00:02:35,110 I love his work. Truly an inspiration. 72 00:02:35,110 --> 00:02:37,548 Well, he ran his bootleggin' operation from a town near here. 73 00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:41,160 He dug all these tunnels to hide from the cops, 74 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,250 and that's where his famous secret vault is. 75 00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:46,121 Ya kiddin' me. What's this town called? 76 00:02:46,121 --> 00:02:47,819 Moose Jaw. 77 00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:50,996 Look Gina, there's no town called Moose Jaw. 78 00:02:50,996 --> 00:02:52,476 It's just a crazy made up name. 79 00:02:52,476 --> 00:02:53,564 Like Albuquerque. 80 00:02:53,564 --> 00:02:56,871 What do you know? The kid's onto something. 81 00:02:56,871 --> 00:02:57,611 There's one thing I don't get. 82 00:02:57,611 --> 00:03:00,266 What's that?Fractions, Jimmy. 83 00:03:00,266 --> 00:03:01,267 I never understood fractions. 84 00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:10,145 Hey Anna, what's wrong? 85 00:03:10,145 --> 00:03:14,237 I'm just feeling down because no one ever asks me out. 86 00:03:14,237 --> 00:03:16,369 How do I get someone to ask me out? 87 00:03:16,369 --> 00:03:18,632 Sorry, I have no frame of reference. 88 00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:20,025 Of course not. 89 00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:22,984 You can get any guy you want without even trying. 90 00:03:22,984 --> 00:03:25,291 Heck, I even get guys I don't want without even... 91 00:03:25,291 --> 00:03:27,946 Ya-maa-ha-maa, who's that? 92 00:03:27,946 --> 00:03:29,121 [sigh] His name is Johnny - 93 00:03:29,121 --> 00:03:31,689 Can't talk. Lusting. 94 00:03:31,689 --> 00:03:33,081 Okay, Bye. 95 00:03:33,081 --> 00:03:35,345 Hey.Hello? Is somebody there? 96 00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:37,651 There sure is. I'm Theresa. 97 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:40,654 Theresa? From Mr. Henderson's class? 98 00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:42,830 Shown up twice and getting straight A's? 99 00:03:42,830 --> 00:03:44,441 Guilty as charged. 100 00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:46,834 Wanna frisk me?No thanks. 101 00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:48,749 What's wrong with you? I'm hot! 102 00:03:48,749 --> 00:03:50,098 Are you blind or something?Hello? 103 00:03:50,098 --> 00:03:53,624 Oh thank God, you can't see. 104 00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:54,059 I thought it was me. 105 00:03:54,059 --> 00:03:56,409 Yep, lucky you. 106 00:03:56,409 --> 00:04:00,326 How about you and I... uhh... 107 00:04:00,326 --> 00:04:03,155 This is weird, I usually seal the deal with "Hey". 108 00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:04,591 Sorry, no offense, 109 00:04:04,591 --> 00:04:06,767 but I like women with brains, ideas, 110 00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,029 something going on upstairs. 111 00:04:08,029 --> 00:04:09,640 Come on over to my house, 112 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,294 we'll get something goin' on upstairs. 113 00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:17,212 Oh, so it's not enough you blind people get all the best parking. 114 00:04:17,212 --> 00:04:19,519 Now you think you're too good for me? 115 00:04:19,519 --> 00:04:22,261 Well I'm too good for you mister. 116 00:04:22,261 --> 00:04:25,220 Who am I kidding, I am so in love. 117 00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:29,312 [horse whinnies]I'm starting to enjoy these clandestine meetings, Jimmy. 118 00:04:32,663 --> 00:04:36,667 The subterfuge, the intrigue, the covertness of it all! 119 00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:38,059 Me too. 120 00:04:38,059 --> 00:04:39,670 And by the way, if Cookie ever asks, 121 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,846 we meet here every night. 122 00:04:41,846 --> 00:04:43,935 Anyway, I need permission to go outta town. 123 00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:45,632 Impossible. 124 00:04:45,632 --> 00:04:47,330 Your witness protection agreement strictly forbids it. 125 00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:47,982 But it's really important. 126 00:04:47,982 --> 00:04:50,550 Important? How so? 127 00:04:50,550 --> 00:04:53,031 Um. Alright, I'll level with you. 128 00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,815 Cheech built himself a rocket. 129 00:04:54,815 --> 00:04:56,817 He's always been a whadayacallit, amateur Rockette. 130 00:04:56,817 --> 00:04:59,385 Rocketeer, yes? 131 00:04:59,385 --> 00:05:01,735 So we was gonna go out to the woods and launch the thing. 132 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:04,085 We don't wanna do it in the city and blow our cover. 133 00:05:04,085 --> 00:05:05,348 James McDougal, I know you well enough 134 00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:07,741 to know when you're telling a lie - 135 00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:10,527 And, frankly, this one is a doozey! 136 00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:13,007 Alright, you got me. We just wanna go to Moose Jaw. 137 00:05:13,007 --> 00:05:14,705 We hear the tacos are pretty good. 138 00:05:14,705 --> 00:05:17,795 Moose Jaw? That's hardly out of town! 139 00:05:17,795 --> 00:05:20,319 It's just down the road. Practically a suburb. 140 00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:21,668 Permission granted. 141 00:05:21,668 --> 00:05:26,978 For Canada, and naming cities when you're drunk! 142 00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:28,980 [loud sonic boom] 143 00:05:36,335 --> 00:05:37,162 What are you doing? 144 00:05:37,162 --> 00:05:39,294 I'm in love with a blind guy, 145 00:05:39,294 --> 00:05:40,905 so I'm trying to learn sign language. 146 00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:42,472 Uhhh. 147 00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:44,082 But it's useless. 148 00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:45,213 I should just forget about him. 149 00:05:45,213 --> 00:05:47,390 He only dates smart girls. 150 00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:50,958 I've faked alot of things in my life, but never smart! 151 00:05:50,958 --> 00:05:54,745 Alright Petey, I searched your room, the attic, and the garage. 152 00:05:54,745 --> 00:05:56,268 Where's the pornography? 153 00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:57,835 Mother, I don't have any pornography. 154 00:05:57,835 --> 00:05:58,836 Don't give me that! 155 00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:01,447 If you've got porn, you're a pervert. 156 00:06:01,447 --> 00:06:03,275 And if you don't have porn than why the hell don't you have porn 157 00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:05,973 because boys your age have porn! 158 00:06:07,714 --> 00:06:10,413 That's not to say I don't know my way around a woman's body. 159 00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:11,370 Ew. 160 00:06:14,068 --> 00:06:17,637 What I don't get is how the kid knows where Capone's vault is? 161 00:06:17,637 --> 00:06:19,552 I told ya, I'm only dolin' out information 162 00:06:19,552 --> 00:06:21,075 on a need-to-know basis. 163 00:06:21,075 --> 00:06:21,859 This kid, she kills me. 164 00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:23,382 Al Capone's tunnels. 165 00:06:23,382 --> 00:06:25,645 I'm impressed, and I'm not easily impressed. 166 00:06:25,645 --> 00:06:28,561 Hey look, cows. 167 00:06:28,561 --> 00:06:30,955 What? Cows? Woh would you look at that! 168 00:06:30,955 --> 00:06:32,826 Cows Jimmy look! 169 00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,959 Jimmy, just bein' in the same place Al Capone hung out 170 00:06:34,959 --> 00:06:36,482 has got me all excited. 171 00:06:36,482 --> 00:06:38,528 I've been excited since we pulled out of Vagina. 172 00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:39,920 Yeah me too. 173 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,705 So let's get to it already! 174 00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:44,751 Crack open a sewer cover and let's find them tunnels. 175 00:06:44,751 --> 00:06:46,274 Three please. 176 00:06:48,015 --> 00:06:49,843 Alright, we're in. 177 00:06:52,759 --> 00:06:54,108 Alright you mugs. 178 00:06:54,108 --> 00:06:55,501 I'm your tour guide, see? 179 00:06:55,501 --> 00:06:57,111 You do as I say, see? 180 00:06:57,111 --> 00:06:59,462 One wrong move and you get it, see? 181 00:06:59,462 --> 00:07:02,203 Who does this punk think he is, orderin' us around? 182 00:07:02,203 --> 00:07:04,162 Take it easy, it's part of the show. 183 00:07:04,162 --> 00:07:05,163 Let's start the tour, see? 184 00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:08,427 This way to Al Capone's Tunnels. See? 185 00:07:08,427 --> 00:07:11,299 If he says "see" again, I'm blowin' his head off. 186 00:07:11,299 --> 00:07:13,388 Did Capone dig these tunnels himself? 187 00:07:13,388 --> 00:07:16,348 No, they were dug by Chinese immigrants 188 00:07:16,348 --> 00:07:17,044 working under terrible conditions. 189 00:07:17,044 --> 00:07:19,569 Terrible, I tells ya! 190 00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:22,833 Did the Chinese then use these tunnels to deliver food? 191 00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,269 Hold back. 192 00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:26,532 The vault should be somewhere around here. 193 00:07:26,532 --> 00:07:27,707 Again, how does she know all this? 194 00:07:27,707 --> 00:07:31,624 Shut your piehole and make yourself useful. 195 00:07:31,624 --> 00:07:33,104 Careful my soft spot. 196 00:07:33,104 --> 00:07:35,323 [grinding sounds] 197 00:07:36,977 --> 00:07:38,762 It's this one. 198 00:07:38,762 --> 00:07:41,808 For the last time, how the hell does she know all this? 199 00:07:41,808 --> 00:07:43,941 Al Capone's treasure. 200 00:07:43,941 --> 00:07:46,073 Get ready to be rich. 201 00:07:47,988 --> 00:07:51,862 Whoa, it's actually Al Capone! 202 00:07:51,862 --> 00:07:53,951 This is unbelievable!That's it? 203 00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:55,213 That's the treasure? 204 00:07:55,213 --> 00:07:56,344 What a f---ing rip-off! 205 00:08:00,871 --> 00:08:01,828 We go through all this trouble and what do we get? 206 00:08:01,828 --> 00:08:04,352 Jewels, cash, gold? 207 00:08:04,352 --> 00:08:07,268 No, a stinkin' Al Caponesicle! 208 00:08:07,268 --> 00:08:09,401 Eh! A little respect for a dead homey. 209 00:08:15,973 --> 00:08:17,670 Oh my God, you're alive? 210 00:08:17,670 --> 00:08:19,324 Oh my God. You're fat! 211 00:08:19,324 --> 00:08:20,934 Hey, is that nice? 212 00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:23,154 I thought we were having a 'stating the obvious' contest. 213 00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:24,459 Who the heck are you mugs? 214 00:08:24,459 --> 00:08:26,200 I'm Jimmy, this is my Uncle Cheech. 215 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,941 I'm your biggest Jimmy, Mr. Uncle. 216 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,030 I'm Gina. I'm the one who sprung ya. 217 00:08:30,030 --> 00:08:32,946 You're a legend to us gangsters everywhere, Mr. Capone. 218 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:33,904 Thanks. Why don't you call me Al. 219 00:08:33,904 --> 00:08:35,296 So, fellas, we back in business? 220 00:08:35,296 --> 00:08:37,516 Uh. 221 00:08:37,516 --> 00:08:38,996 The short answer is "no". 222 00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:40,824 The word "no" makes me sour, Jimmy. 223 00:08:40,824 --> 00:08:41,999 Gimme the long answer. 224 00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:43,740 Well, for starters, it's the twenty-first century. 225 00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,263 You pullin' my leg? 226 00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:48,483 I got into that contraption in 1932! 227 00:08:48,483 --> 00:08:50,137 I was facin' hard time, see. 228 00:08:50,137 --> 00:08:52,357 One day my associate, Frank Nitti, found a hobo 229 00:08:52,357 --> 00:08:53,488 who looked just like me. 230 00:08:53,488 --> 00:08:55,534 It was like looking in a mirror, see. 231 00:08:55,534 --> 00:08:58,102 I offered him a thousand beans to do my time for me. 232 00:08:58,102 --> 00:09:00,800 This egghead who made booze for me 233 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,541 invented a freezing machine. 234 00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:05,631 He wanted to use it to freeze catsup, but I had another idea. 235 00:09:05,631 --> 00:09:05,979 Thaw me when they parole the Hobo. 236 00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,593 [screams] 237 00:09:10,593 --> 00:09:12,246 I wonder what happened to that fella. 238 00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:16,120 So you two are gangsters, eh? 239 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,861 I could use a couple of mugs like you. 240 00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:19,384 I'm gonna start over, see. 241 00:09:19,384 --> 00:09:21,125 You two are getting in on the ground floor. 242 00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:23,083 It's the second coming of Al Capone. 243 00:09:23,083 --> 00:09:25,520 How does two grand a year sound? 244 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:28,480 Really? You want us to work for you? 245 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,482 You're darn tootin'. First things first. 246 00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:31,875 We gotta find a supplier for our whiskey. 247 00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:33,964 Uh, booze is legal now. 248 00:09:33,964 --> 00:09:36,227 They repealed prohibition. 249 00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:36,662 Damn that Roosevelt. 250 00:09:36,662 --> 00:09:39,578 He'll get his. 251 00:09:39,578 --> 00:09:41,841 Well, there's still gambling, girls, all sorts of rackets. 252 00:09:41,841 --> 00:09:43,930 Stick with me, boys. I know what I'm doing. 253 00:09:43,930 --> 00:09:47,194 VOICE: You are ELEVEN kilometers from Regina. 254 00:09:47,194 --> 00:09:48,718 This gal sounds like a real dish. 255 00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:50,328 Thanks little lady. 256 00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:52,852 What do you say we meet up over Manhattans 257 00:09:52,852 --> 00:09:54,332 and I'll tell you a thing or two? 258 00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:56,595 VOICE: Prepare to exit RIGHT. 259 00:09:56,595 --> 00:09:58,162 Fine, be that way. 260 00:09:58,162 --> 00:10:00,425 Boy, twenty-first Century dames sure can give ya the high hat. 261 00:10:03,950 --> 00:10:07,345 Your face feels very handsome. 262 00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:08,738 Theresa? 263 00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:10,870 I'm supposed to do that to see what you look like. 264 00:10:10,870 --> 00:10:12,306 Oh, right. 265 00:10:12,306 --> 00:10:13,481 Whatchya ya finger reading? 266 00:10:13,481 --> 00:10:14,526 Shakespeare. 267 00:10:17,355 --> 00:10:21,794 Shakespeare. Born in Stratford on Avon? 268 00:10:21,794 --> 00:10:23,143 Ya know, that's where makeup comes from. 269 00:10:23,143 --> 00:10:26,320 Theresa, look, I'm flattered. 270 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:29,193 But when it comes to girls, it's what's inside that counts. 271 00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:30,803 I don't care about looks. 272 00:10:30,803 --> 00:10:32,849 Oh my God, you're into fat chicks. 273 00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:35,286 I'm sorry.Oh yeah? 274 00:10:35,286 --> 00:10:36,809 Well as the saying goes: 275 00:10:36,809 --> 00:10:38,942 turn me down once, shame on me. 276 00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:40,857 Turn me down twice... 277 00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,597 go to hell! 278 00:10:46,427 --> 00:10:50,214 Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, I present to you. 279 00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:52,956 Mr. Al Capone. 280 00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:56,046 Nice to meet you, Mr. Capone. 281 00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:59,658 I'm Bonnie and this is Clyde. 282 00:10:59,658 --> 00:11:02,443 Over there is Amelia Earhart. [chortles] 283 00:11:02,443 --> 00:11:05,577 Something tells me she's givin' me the business. 284 00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:09,450 Let's break out the good china before John Dillinger gets here. 285 00:11:09,450 --> 00:11:11,452 I am so sorry about that, Al. 286 00:11:11,452 --> 00:11:12,802 Hey, if I weren't me 287 00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:13,846 I wouldn't believe I was Al Capone either. 288 00:11:13,846 --> 00:11:15,021 Now be a doll and fix me a gimlet, will'ya? 289 00:11:15,021 --> 00:11:17,720 I have no idea what a gimlet is. 290 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,330 Well kid, once we're back in business 291 00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:21,245 I'll teach you to mix a hundred different drinks. 292 00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:23,290 You'd also make a good cigarette girl. 293 00:11:23,290 --> 00:11:26,598 I ain't gonna be no girl-in-short-skirts for nobody. 294 00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,165 I got bigger plans. 295 00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:29,862 You got moxie kid. 296 00:11:29,862 --> 00:11:31,951 All right, I'll find something for you in the organization. 297 00:11:31,951 --> 00:11:33,997 Stick with me and you'll be Charlie Potatas. 298 00:11:33,997 --> 00:11:36,216 Now you're talking my language. 299 00:11:36,216 --> 00:11:37,217 Here, have a beer. 300 00:11:37,217 --> 00:11:40,917 Beer in a can? How do ya like that. 301 00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,483 How do you open this thing? 302 00:11:42,483 --> 00:11:43,746 Can you believe this? 303 00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:45,660 We're gonna work for Al Capone. 304 00:11:45,660 --> 00:11:47,010 You think the Mountie'll let us do that? 305 00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,272 We won't need him. 306 00:11:48,272 --> 00:11:51,492 We'll be big-shots in the new Capone organization. 307 00:11:51,492 --> 00:11:54,060 We'll be on opposite sides of the law like nature intended. 308 00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:55,366 Oh wait. 309 00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:56,889 We can't work for Capone. 310 00:11:56,889 --> 00:11:57,934 He'll find out I was a rat 311 00:11:57,934 --> 00:11:59,892 and he'll deal with me the Chicago way. 312 00:11:59,892 --> 00:12:01,459 What's dat mean? 313 00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:03,113 He's gonna kill you with a lot of wind? 314 00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:03,896 I'm talkin' a baseball bat to the head. 315 00:12:03,896 --> 00:12:06,986 He can't ever know. 316 00:12:06,986 --> 00:12:08,945 And the only way to make sure he never finds out 317 00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:10,250 is to tell him we can't work for him. 318 00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:10,903 Damn.Come on, Jimmy. 319 00:12:10,903 --> 00:12:13,645 He's a stand-up guy. 320 00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:16,909 [gunshot]If he learns it straight from you, he'll respect your honesty. 321 00:12:16,909 --> 00:12:18,737 Have I ever steered you wrong? 322 00:12:18,737 --> 00:12:22,045 How can you even say that with a straight face? 323 00:12:22,045 --> 00:12:25,004 [sobbing] 324 00:12:25,004 --> 00:12:26,832 What's wrong? 325 00:12:26,832 --> 00:12:28,268 Blind boy is treating me like a stereotype. 326 00:12:28,268 --> 00:12:30,444 He can't see how hot I am, 327 00:12:30,444 --> 00:12:33,621 so he thinks there should be more to me. 328 00:12:33,621 --> 00:12:36,581 I said, duh, you just need eyes. 329 00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:38,931 Then he got all mad, stormed off and fell into a fountain. 330 00:12:38,931 --> 00:12:43,457 For starters, maybe you should stop calling him blind boy. 331 00:12:43,457 --> 00:12:44,850 Okay, fine. 332 00:12:44,850 --> 00:12:48,462 But how do I snare this blind - I mean cripple? 333 00:12:48,462 --> 00:12:50,073 First, go back to "blind boy". 334 00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:51,378 Second. 335 00:12:51,378 --> 00:12:54,251 Stop trying to act smart, stop acting anything. 336 00:12:54,251 --> 00:12:55,818 Just be yourself. 337 00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:57,732 I don't know what that means. 338 00:12:57,732 --> 00:13:01,084 Well, if you don't know, how's he supposed to know? 339 00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:03,390 I found THIS in the bathroom! 340 00:13:03,390 --> 00:13:05,828 Tell me something, Petey, when Jesus comes back, 341 00:13:05,828 --> 00:13:08,656 do you want him to see you abusing your body like that? 342 00:13:08,656 --> 00:13:11,572 Do you want our Lord and saviour standing over you 343 00:13:11,572 --> 00:13:12,530 while you're slapping the salami 344 00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:15,402 like some kind of depraved zoo monkey? 345 00:13:15,402 --> 00:13:16,926 Mom, it isn't-- 346 00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:18,753 Oh, you expect me to believe that, do you? 347 00:13:18,753 --> 00:13:20,233 Well just know this. 348 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:24,020 Whenever you think you're alone, Mama's watching. 349 00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:26,849 That won't cause problems later in life. 350 00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:28,154 Alright Jimmy, if we're gonna run 351 00:13:28,154 --> 00:13:29,329 a twenty-first century business, 352 00:13:29,329 --> 00:13:30,896 I need to learn your twenty-first century gizmos. 353 00:13:30,896 --> 00:13:32,419 Show me somethin'. 354 00:13:32,419 --> 00:13:34,552 Listen Al, there's somethin' I gotta tell you. 355 00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:35,814 What's this? 356 00:13:35,814 --> 00:13:37,772 It's a cellular telephone. But Al -- 357 00:13:37,772 --> 00:13:41,341 A telephone? How do ya like them apples. 358 00:13:41,341 --> 00:13:42,908 Operator, get me Klondike eight-two-one. 359 00:13:42,908 --> 00:13:46,216 Hello? Hello? 360 00:13:46,216 --> 00:13:48,609 That screwy dame's sleepin' on the job. 361 00:13:48,609 --> 00:13:50,220 Al, I really gotta - 362 00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:52,352 Look at that, you've got moving pictures in your living room. 363 00:13:52,352 --> 00:13:54,006 It's called a television, but-- 364 00:13:54,006 --> 00:13:55,225 Who's the coloured kid talking? 365 00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:56,617 He's the president of the United States. 366 00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,360 I like you Jimmy, you make me laugh. 367 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,275 Look, Al, I gotta tell ya something. 368 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,450 Cheech and me, 369 00:14:03,450 --> 00:14:06,453 we thought it over and we can't work for you. 370 00:14:06,453 --> 00:14:07,759 Come on, Jimmy. 371 00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:08,803 You can't back out now. I need you. 372 00:14:08,803 --> 00:14:12,546 It's just that I done some terrible things. 373 00:14:12,546 --> 00:14:14,679 We all done terrible things. 374 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:16,420 That's what makes us so good at our jobs. 375 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:20,206 No, but this one's really, really bad. 376 00:14:20,206 --> 00:14:20,946 Even you wouldn't approve. 377 00:14:20,946 --> 00:14:23,122 Come on, Jimmy. 378 00:14:23,122 --> 00:14:24,167 You think I didn't do stuff I wasn't proud of? 379 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:26,256 I once shot my boss's dog. 380 00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:27,518 I had to. 381 00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:29,085 I shot my boss and the pooch saw the whole thing. 382 00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:31,609 Now come on, tell your Uncle Al what you did. 383 00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:34,873 Well, you promise you won't get mad? 384 00:14:34,873 --> 00:14:36,222 I give you my word. 385 00:14:36,222 --> 00:14:39,008 You no-good stool pigeon! 386 00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,009 You gave me your word! 387 00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:42,402 I don't gotta keep my word to you see! 388 00:14:42,402 --> 00:14:43,838 You're a squealin' little squealer! 389 00:14:43,838 --> 00:14:45,231 A low-down rat! 390 00:14:45,231 --> 00:14:46,972 Not the words I'd choose, but yes. 391 00:14:46,972 --> 00:14:49,235 [gunshot]But you said you needed me, Al. 392 00:14:49,235 --> 00:14:51,368 You call me MISTER Capone! 393 00:14:51,368 --> 00:14:53,500 There's rules in this racket, and you broke 'em, see! 394 00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:54,937 [clicks]Dammit! 395 00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:57,896 Mister Capone, come on, don't do this. 396 00:14:57,896 --> 00:14:59,419 Go ahead and shoot. 397 00:14:59,419 --> 00:15:01,030 'Cause I won't rest until you pay for what you done. 398 00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:02,640 I can't do it. 399 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,120 Then I'll be back. 400 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,425 For blood! 401 00:15:06,078 --> 00:15:08,515 Uh, your blood. 402 00:15:08,515 --> 00:15:10,082 Yeah, no, I got it. [shuts door] 403 00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:15,653 Hey Jimmy! 404 00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:18,221 Don't sneak up on me like that!It's just me. 405 00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:20,832 What do you mean "just me"? Did he tell you to say that? 406 00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:22,355 What's wrong with you? 407 00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:23,966 Al Capone's trying to kill me. 408 00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:26,751 Jimmy, I put up with a lot, but gimme a break. 409 00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:27,752 That guy is not Al Capone. 410 00:15:27,752 --> 00:15:30,015 Yes he is! 411 00:15:30,015 --> 00:15:31,625 We went through these tunnels in this other city 412 00:15:31,625 --> 00:15:33,671 and found him cryo-magnetically frozen. 413 00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,325 What? 414 00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:37,196 You went outta town and you didn't take me? 415 00:15:37,196 --> 00:15:38,371 Where's Uncle Al? 416 00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:40,199 He's not your uncle, but if you see him comin' 417 00:15:40,199 --> 00:15:41,722 whistle twice and throw Cheech in front of me. 418 00:15:41,722 --> 00:15:43,898 Gina, switch seats. I want my back against the wall. 419 00:15:43,898 --> 00:15:46,640 [loud bang]Pop, that was a car back-firin'. 420 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:47,206 Sounded like a shot. 421 00:15:47,206 --> 00:15:49,817 I know the difference! 422 00:15:49,817 --> 00:15:53,517 Look pop, for the record, if it comes down to it, 423 00:15:53,517 --> 00:15:54,083 I'm on Capone's side. 424 00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,520 I don't blame ya kid, 425 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,652 with me out of the way you're going to need a father figure. 426 00:15:58,652 --> 00:16:01,046 Jimmy, this can't go on. 427 00:16:01,046 --> 00:16:02,526 You're hiding there like a little girl. 428 00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:05,268 No offense, Gina.Up yours. 429 00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:07,618 You're intimidated by the fact that he's a legend. 430 00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,402 Think of him as just a guy 431 00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:12,144 who puts on his underwear one hole at a time. 432 00:16:12,144 --> 00:16:14,407 You're right. He's just a guy. 433 00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,148 I can take just one guy! 434 00:16:16,148 --> 00:16:17,671 Hell, I could take ten guys. 435 00:16:17,671 --> 00:16:18,455 In a fight. 436 00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:20,413 I wanna be clear on that. 437 00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:40,303 [♪] 438 00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:46,091 [clatter] 439 00:16:46,091 --> 00:16:47,092 That's an interesting outfit, Jimmy. 440 00:16:47,092 --> 00:16:48,093 Shh! You hear that? 441 00:16:48,093 --> 00:16:51,096 What? What is it? 442 00:16:51,096 --> 00:16:52,358 It's too quiet. I don't like this. 443 00:16:52,358 --> 00:16:52,880 What are you talking about? 444 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,969 [knocking] 445 00:16:58,930 --> 00:17:10,376 [loud screaming] 446 00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,385 I just needed a city map. 447 00:17:21,126 --> 00:17:23,650 Check out the waterslide. It's a lotta fun. 448 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,353 Eat up men, there's plenty more where this came from. 449 00:17:30,353 --> 00:17:32,094 Boy, this is the best barbecue sauce I've ever eaten. 450 00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,661 Who made it?I did. 451 00:17:34,661 --> 00:17:36,228 I got the recipe from Barbecue Bill. 452 00:17:36,228 --> 00:17:38,361 What's in it?What's in it? 453 00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:41,538 Why, I'll tell you the recipe! 454 00:17:41,538 --> 00:17:43,235 ♪ "When Barbecue Bill left the Mounties, ♪ 455 00:17:43,235 --> 00:17:45,672 ♪ he handed it down to me. ♪ 456 00:17:45,672 --> 00:17:48,893 ♪ A little of this, a little of that. ♪ 457 00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:50,024 ♪ "A piece of old shoe." 458 00:17:50,024 --> 00:17:51,722 ♪ "A part of a hat!" 459 00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:54,333 ♪ "Mix together and eat your fill, ♪ 460 00:17:54,333 --> 00:18:05,475 ♪ said old Barbecue Bill--" ♪ 461 00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:06,258 [gasping] 462 00:18:06,258 --> 00:18:07,781 Who could this be from? 463 00:18:07,781 --> 00:18:10,175 [scream] 464 00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:15,049 Ya gotta help me, McCool. 465 00:18:15,049 --> 00:18:16,225 Someone's trying to kill me! 466 00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:19,141 My God, who?Al Capone. 467 00:18:19,141 --> 00:18:21,578 I left my Mountie barbecue for this? 468 00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:23,101 I'm serious. 469 00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:25,886 We found him underground in Moose Jaw in a big block of ice. 470 00:18:25,886 --> 00:18:28,759 Now he's out there stalking me and he wants my blood. 471 00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:31,240 Hmm. This is indeed serious. 472 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,806 We must get you to safety 473 00:18:32,806 --> 00:18:35,374 before Al Capone finds you and does his worst. 474 00:18:35,374 --> 00:18:37,768 There, there, Jimmy, we'll find a safe-haven for you. 475 00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:40,510 Thanks, McCool. I knew I could count on ya. 476 00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:42,860 [screaming] 477 00:18:42,860 --> 00:18:45,254 You can't lock me up! He'll get to me in here! 478 00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:48,082 Nothing stops this guy! 479 00:18:48,082 --> 00:18:49,432 This is for your own good, Jimmy. 480 00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:51,782 Obviously the strain of relocation has gotten to you. 481 00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:55,089 The doctor assures me that a strenuous regimen 482 00:18:55,089 --> 00:18:57,570 of enemas and testicular electro-shock 483 00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,224 will put you right in no time! 484 00:18:59,224 --> 00:19:01,661 Yo, no one's zapping my boys. 485 00:19:01,661 --> 00:19:03,576 You're too far-gone to realize it, 486 00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:06,884 but I am your friend and I will see you through this! 487 00:19:06,884 --> 00:19:09,756 Pipe in some Kenny G to soothe the poor man. 488 00:19:09,756 --> 00:19:10,888 ♪ [smooth jazz] ♪ 489 00:19:10,888 --> 00:19:13,369 NOOOOOOOOOOO! 490 00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:18,461 We need to talk. 491 00:19:18,461 --> 00:19:20,767 [sigh] Theresa, please. 492 00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:23,248 Put down your bumpy book, I got something to say. 493 00:19:23,248 --> 00:19:24,554 Alright. What is it? 494 00:19:24,554 --> 00:19:25,511 You were right about me. 495 00:19:25,511 --> 00:19:29,211 The truth is I don't know who I am. 496 00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:31,430 I look to other people to define myself, 497 00:19:31,430 --> 00:19:33,780 like some crazy one-way mirror. 498 00:19:33,780 --> 00:19:35,217 And I'm always afraid 499 00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:36,957 that if I don't live up to what they want me to be, 500 00:19:36,957 --> 00:19:38,045 they'll ignore me. 501 00:19:38,045 --> 00:19:40,744 or not pay any attention to me at all. 502 00:19:40,744 --> 00:19:43,094 Wow, underneath the make-up, the fashion, 503 00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:46,358 the unbridled sexuality, 504 00:19:46,358 --> 00:19:47,751 you're just a scared little girl. 505 00:19:47,751 --> 00:19:50,710 And you're the first boy I've ever met 506 00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:52,408 who wants to know that girl. 507 00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:55,280 Oh Theresa, come here. 508 00:19:57,848 --> 00:20:00,242 Yama-hama! Who's that? 509 00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:06,987 Doc, I'm fine. As sane as they come. 510 00:20:06,987 --> 00:20:09,207 Now you gotta let me out of here. 511 00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:15,822 Alright, Jimmy-boy, ya outsmar-- 512 00:20:22,002 --> 00:20:25,571 [hacking] 513 00:20:25,571 --> 00:20:27,921 Ew. 514 00:20:27,921 --> 00:20:29,619 Come with me if you want to live. 515 00:20:29,619 --> 00:20:31,229 I thought you was on Capone's team. 516 00:20:31,229 --> 00:20:33,057 What am I gonna do, you're my pops. 517 00:20:33,057 --> 00:20:35,277 Besides, Capone's broke, he's a shmuck. 518 00:20:36,930 --> 00:20:38,410 Nurse, ya gotta help me! 519 00:20:38,410 --> 00:20:40,499 Someone's trying to kill me. 520 00:20:40,499 --> 00:20:42,022 Aw crap. 521 00:20:42,022 --> 00:20:43,676 I got an apple to peel with you, buster. 522 00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:45,461 Al, be reasonable. 523 00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:46,940 I'm wearin' a dress. 524 00:20:46,940 --> 00:20:48,464 Reason went out the window days ago. 525 00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:49,508 We have a code, see. You broke that code. 526 00:20:49,508 --> 00:20:52,032 Hold on! 527 00:20:52,032 --> 00:20:54,208 According to the code, if someone saves your life. 528 00:20:54,208 --> 00:20:55,993 Hold on, I got it right here. 529 00:20:55,993 --> 00:21:00,606 "If someone saves your life, you have to recipro - recipro - 530 00:21:00,606 --> 00:21:01,564 Sound it out, honey. 531 00:21:01,564 --> 00:21:05,307 Reciprocatay. 532 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:08,440 It means "never try to kill them." 533 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,050 Lemme see that. 534 00:21:11,748 --> 00:21:13,140 Well what do you know. 535 00:21:13,140 --> 00:21:15,055 Can't argue with the code. 536 00:21:15,055 --> 00:21:17,014 I guess we're even. Put her there, pallie. 537 00:21:17,014 --> 00:21:18,798 Thanks a lot Al. 538 00:21:18,798 --> 00:21:20,322 Now let's dust out of here. 539 00:21:25,544 --> 00:21:26,763 I guess this is where we part ways. 540 00:21:26,763 --> 00:21:28,895 But what will he do? 541 00:21:28,895 --> 00:21:31,158 Where will you go? 542 00:21:31,158 --> 00:21:33,247 Every time there's a buck to be made from illegal hooch, 543 00:21:33,247 --> 00:21:34,988 I'll be there. 544 00:21:34,988 --> 00:21:36,555 Every time a lonely young girl 545 00:21:36,555 --> 00:21:38,383 comes to the big city for the first time, 546 00:21:38,383 --> 00:21:39,210 I'll be there... 547 00:21:39,210 --> 00:21:41,821 To force her into prostitution. 548 00:21:41,821 --> 00:21:44,171 Every time a truck leaves a warehouse full of valuables, 549 00:21:44,171 --> 00:21:49,742 by God, Jimmy, I'll be there! 550 00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:51,178 Goodbye, Uncle Capone. 551 00:21:51,178 --> 00:21:52,441 So long, Al. 552 00:21:52,441 --> 00:21:55,705 Come now Jimmy! We've got to make you sane. 553 00:21:55,705 --> 00:21:56,967 Doctor, fire up the electro-shock room! 554 00:21:56,967 --> 00:21:59,535 Jimmy, drop your pants.