1
00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:02,697
How ya doin'?

2
00:00:02,741 --> 00:00:05,178
I'm Jimmy Falcone,
former New York capo.

3
00:00:05,178 --> 00:00:08,790
In the old life, the Feds were
always up in my business.

4
00:00:08,790 --> 00:00:10,227
These guys had
ears everywhere,

5
00:00:10,227 --> 00:00:12,620
and by ears
I mean bugs.

6
00:00:12,620 --> 00:00:15,406
But I didn't let that keep me
from bein' a normal family man.

7
00:00:15,406 --> 00:00:16,450
Found one!

8
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,452
That's my girl.

9
00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:20,585
Messin' with the
Feds was a game.

10
00:00:20,585 --> 00:00:22,674
[radio] I got the fat
bastard right here.

11
00:00:22,674 --> 00:00:25,111
I'm gonna chop off his legs
and feed 'em to the dogs.

12
00:00:25,111 --> 00:00:26,939
On the ground!
Now!

13
00:00:26,939 --> 00:00:28,027
Ha ha!
Gotcha!

14
00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:30,812
Ho-ho!
Good one Jimmy!

15
00:00:30,812 --> 00:00:31,857
I'd offer you guys
a turkey sandwich,

16
00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:34,468
but [beep] you.

17
00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:37,863
If it was real important,
we'd talk in code.

18
00:00:37,863 --> 00:00:40,039
But, that came with
its own problems.

19
00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:41,780
Cheech, I need you to pick
up that "magic potion"

20
00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:43,260
from the "Maharaja",

21
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:45,784
and take it to
the "Wizard".

22
00:00:45,784 --> 00:00:48,003
And make sure ya "look
into his crystal ball".

23
00:00:48,003 --> 00:00:50,484
Capiche?Capiche!

24
00:00:52,312 --> 00:00:53,618
By "magic potion",

25
00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:55,489
you mean the eight
keys of heroin, right?

26
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,100
On the ground!
Now!

27
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,800
Now that I'm in witness
protection livin' in Canada,

28
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,497
I don't ever gotta
worry about bugs again.

29
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:06,196
[loud buzzing]

30
00:01:06,196 --> 00:01:09,677
[muffled]
Fugga' bou' it.

31
00:01:09,677 --> 00:01:10,722
♪ Let me tell you
something ♪

32
00:01:10,722 --> 00:01:12,463
♪ 'bout a friend
or ours named Jimmy ♪

33
00:01:12,463 --> 00:01:14,856
♪ made the Wiseguy and
the Capo with Gambini ♪

34
00:01:14,856 --> 00:01:18,382
♪ When he found out they'd
be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

35
00:01:18,382 --> 00:01:19,513
♪ He take the boss,

36
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,515
♪ He threw him from
the 19th floor suite ♪

37
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:24,910
♪ Wasn't much long
'til the mob wants him dead ♪

38
00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:26,868
♪ So Jimmy had no choice
but to talk to all the Feds ♪

39
00:01:26,868 --> 00:01:29,915
♪ the Feds say they have to
take and use him as a pawn ♪

40
00:01:29,915 --> 00:01:33,353
♪ So he ratted out his friends
and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

41
00:01:33,353 --> 00:01:34,006
♪ Fugget about it

42
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:36,356
♪ Fugget about it

43
00:01:36,356 --> 00:01:37,792
♪ Fugget about it

44
00:01:37,792 --> 00:01:39,054
Oh!
Fugget about it!

45
00:01:41,056 --> 00:01:44,190
Cookie, that was superb!

46
00:01:44,190 --> 00:01:46,192
You're a regular George
Foreman in the kitchen.

47
00:01:46,192 --> 00:01:47,237
Thanks, Jimmy.

48
00:01:47,237 --> 00:01:48,760
And now for
the knockout.

49
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:49,630
[doorbell]Cannoli!

50
00:01:49,630 --> 00:01:52,372
[grumbling]

51
00:01:54,374 --> 00:01:55,941
James McDougal?

52
00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:58,987
Who's askin'?Angus MacTavish!

53
00:01:58,987 --> 00:02:00,075
Don't ring a bell.
Do I know you?

54
00:02:00,075 --> 00:02:03,601
No lad, but our ancestors
fought on the moors

55
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:05,124
for three centuries.

56
00:02:05,124 --> 00:02:08,954
This weekend, you and I pay
tribute to their bravery -

57
00:02:08,954 --> 00:02:11,739
at the Regina
Highland Games!

58
00:02:11,739 --> 00:02:14,002
Uh...speaky die English?

59
00:02:14,002 --> 00:02:14,960
I'm throwin' down
the gauntlet, laddie!

60
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,875
See you at the caber toss!

61
00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:18,224
Gooooo MacTavi -

62
00:02:20,226 --> 00:02:21,662
Who was that?

63
00:02:21,662 --> 00:02:23,447
Some Australian
lunatic in a skirt.

64
00:02:27,451 --> 00:02:31,455
[sighing]

65
00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:34,458
I'm gonna regret askin',
but what's your problem?

66
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:37,112
There's this Dutch exchange
student at school, Jetsie.

67
00:02:37,112 --> 00:02:38,984
No one pays
attention to him.

68
00:02:38,984 --> 00:02:40,681
He said he feels
invisible.

69
00:02:40,681 --> 00:02:42,553
...and you care
about Dutchie, why?

70
00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:45,208
I consider it a civic
duty to aid new students.

71
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:48,080
Yeah yeah yeah,
bleedin' heart,

72
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,387
save the whales, help
the Dutchman, I get it.

73
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:53,172
Here's my advice.
School's like prison.

74
00:02:53,172 --> 00:02:54,695
He wants a rep?

75
00:02:54,695 --> 00:02:56,654
Tell him to kick
someone's ass.

76
00:02:56,654 --> 00:03:00,353
Gina, not every problem can
be solved through violence.

77
00:03:00,353 --> 00:03:02,834
I'm not helpin' you with
the dishes no more, got it?

78
00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,488
Okay!

79
00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:05,750
See Petey?

80
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,317
I had a problem and
violence solved it.

81
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:09,536
Want me to
demonstrate again?

82
00:03:09,536 --> 00:03:10,972
No!

83
00:03:13,932 --> 00:03:15,977
I'd appreciate it if
you could keep riff-raff

84
00:03:15,977 --> 00:03:18,719
like Scotty McBozo
off of my doorstep.

85
00:03:18,719 --> 00:03:20,155
But you're a McDougal now!

86
00:03:20,155 --> 00:03:21,766
The Scottish Community

87
00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:23,637
is finally inviting
you into the fold.

88
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:26,466
Ya' just had to go and make
me Scottish, didn't ya?

89
00:03:26,466 --> 00:03:27,685
Why couldn't ya just
make me Italian?

90
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:30,470
Because you'd have been
too easily identified

91
00:03:30,470 --> 00:03:31,602
as ex-Mafioso.

92
00:03:31,602 --> 00:03:33,125
Hoh!

93
00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,606
So Italian automatically
means mob to you?

94
00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:36,389
Ya racist
sack a [beep].

95
00:03:36,389 --> 00:03:38,739
I oughta put one
in your head,

96
00:03:38,739 --> 00:03:40,132
run your body through
a meat grinder,

97
00:03:40,132 --> 00:03:42,874
and bury ya in cement!

98
00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:44,267
But I take your point.

99
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:47,095
So you'll attend
the Games then?Not a chance.

100
00:03:47,095 --> 00:03:49,184
If you refuse
this challenge,

101
00:03:49,184 --> 00:03:52,449
the Scottish-Canadian Times
will brand you a coward!

102
00:03:52,449 --> 00:03:54,494
You'll wind up on
their "shite list"

103
00:03:54,494 --> 00:03:55,800
along with other things
Scottish people hate:

104
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,411
like the queen, underwear,
and fresh vegetables!

105
00:03:58,411 --> 00:04:01,240
Do you want your
friends back home

106
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,504
to find your picture
in here, Jimmy?

107
00:04:04,504 --> 00:04:05,984
I guess not.

108
00:04:05,984 --> 00:04:06,941
Then have fun at the games!

109
00:04:06,941 --> 00:04:09,379
For Canada!

110
00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:12,512
Where every culture gets
a ridiculous summer fair!

111
00:04:12,512 --> 00:04:14,122
[sonic boom]

112
00:04:14,122 --> 00:04:17,430
♪ [pipes and drums]

113
00:04:17,430 --> 00:04:19,214
Remember, everybody be cool
and act like you're Scottish.

114
00:04:19,214 --> 00:04:20,999
Just be crabby and cheap.

115
00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,653
Don't worry, Jimmy.

116
00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:24,742
We'll blend right in
with these weirdoes.

117
00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:28,528
Uncle Cheech, stay
out of my closet!

118
00:04:28,528 --> 00:04:30,313
That's a good
colour on you.

119
00:04:30,313 --> 00:04:31,314
So, ye lily-livered
McDougals

120
00:04:31,314 --> 00:04:34,273
grew a pair
and showed up!

121
00:04:34,273 --> 00:04:37,320
Welcome to the Highland
Games, ya wankers!

122
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,060
Thank you for inviting us.

123
00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:40,714
Don't get a swelled head, lass.

124
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:42,977
Every Scot in the
phone-book was invited.

125
00:04:42,977 --> 00:04:45,719
Right, to the kitchen
with ye, Nessie.

126
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:48,766
You're on haggis duty.
Go on!

127
00:04:48,766 --> 00:04:52,422
Those sheep stomachs
don't stuff themselves!

128
00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:53,336
Blend...Augh!

129
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:57,992
To the field
of combat, lads!

130
00:04:57,992 --> 00:04:59,733
Or should I say
lassies?

131
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,779
Haha!

132
00:05:01,779 --> 00:05:03,389
See?
Blendin' right in.

133
00:05:06,653 --> 00:05:08,351
Lemme get this straight.

134
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:09,439
We gotta cook this
thing's stomach?

135
00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:12,442
How we gonna
get it out, ma?

136
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:13,834
Same way your father
did with Joey the Fink.

137
00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:19,187
[grunting]

138
00:05:21,668 --> 00:05:22,626
[grunts]

139
00:05:24,889 --> 00:05:26,978
Ho ho, look at that! [applause]

140
00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:29,937
Hammer toss!
Beat tha', McDougal!

141
00:05:29,937 --> 00:05:31,330
[grunts]

142
00:05:31,330 --> 00:05:32,505
Y'know, this kinda
reminds me

143
00:05:32,505 --> 00:05:34,551
of collectin' protection
money back home.

144
00:05:36,596 --> 00:05:37,467
[loud crash]

145
00:05:43,211 --> 00:05:44,517
[crash, car alarm]

146
00:05:44,517 --> 00:05:47,215
Off the field!
[laughs]

147
00:05:47,215 --> 00:05:49,870
Ahh ye throw like
a bloody Englishman!

148
00:05:49,870 --> 00:05:51,350
Thanks Angie.

149
00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:53,308
That's supposed to
be an insult, ye tit!

150
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:54,788
Come here you!

151
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:55,789
[grunting]

152
00:05:55,789 --> 00:06:00,098
Oww! Ahh!

153
00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:03,667
[panting]

154
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:05,669
I salute you... [bleat]

155
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:06,800
[grunt]

156
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,934
[laughs]

157
00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:11,892
Wheat Sheaf Toss!

158
00:06:11,892 --> 00:06:13,241
Snack on that, McDougal.

159
00:06:13,241 --> 00:06:15,374
This reminds me
of the time

160
00:06:15,374 --> 00:06:17,028
we threw Big Cheese
Romano off the roof.

161
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:18,464
[sobbing]

162
00:06:18,464 --> 00:06:20,423
Somethin's missin'.

163
00:06:20,423 --> 00:06:21,424
[screaming]

164
00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:24,731
Ah, there ya go.

165
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:28,779
[crash]Haha!

166
00:06:28,779 --> 00:06:30,911
And ye call
yerself a Scot?

167
00:06:32,304 --> 00:06:33,697
When'd you change
your name to Scott?

168
00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:37,396
Ah! Ooh!

169
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:39,137
Oh, it's on!

170
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:41,095
[gasp]
What are ye doing?

171
00:06:41,095 --> 00:06:42,532
That's my girlfrien -

172
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:45,448
ah mean, my mascot!

173
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,580
There's a raft o' sheep
stomachs in the fridge,

174
00:06:47,580 --> 00:06:48,886
ya daft Marys!Oh...

175
00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:51,454
Watch your back,
lambchop.

176
00:06:51,454 --> 00:06:52,672
[bleats]

177
00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:55,980
[grunts]

178
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,591
[laughs]

179
00:06:58,591 --> 00:06:59,244
Caber toss!

180
00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:01,551
In yer face, McDougal!

181
00:07:04,292 --> 00:07:04,989
This reminds me of
somethin' too...

182
00:07:04,989 --> 00:07:10,342
[various screams]

183
00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:12,126
Huh, I guess I
never killed no one

184
00:07:12,126 --> 00:07:13,606
with a tree trunk before.

185
00:07:13,606 --> 00:07:15,652
What? You been
livin' in a cave?

186
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:17,218
[grunts]

187
00:07:17,218 --> 00:07:18,916
[laughs]

188
00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:20,787
Off the field again!

189
00:07:20,787 --> 00:07:24,182
Victory for Clan MacTavish!

190
00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:27,054
Good game, Anus.[laughs]

191
00:07:27,054 --> 00:07:28,403
Jimmy, aren't ya
mad he beat ya?

192
00:07:28,403 --> 00:07:31,145
You're the sorest
loser I know.

193
00:07:31,145 --> 00:07:33,104
Did I lose, Cheech?
Did I?

194
00:07:33,104 --> 00:07:34,888
Ma car![alarm]

195
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,847
Ma house!

196
00:07:36,847 --> 00:07:38,892
William!

197
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,633
Oh, William!

198
00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:42,243
Me baby brother!

199
00:07:42,243 --> 00:07:44,724
Akgh! But that's
what you get

200
00:07:44,724 --> 00:07:47,031
for not going to
the Games, ya bastard!

201
00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:51,296
Sorry Jetsie.

202
00:07:51,296 --> 00:07:52,645
Who'd have guessed

203
00:07:52,645 --> 00:07:54,473
the Saturday Academic
Achievers Jamboree

204
00:07:54,473 --> 00:07:56,693
was just a bunch of
grade-grubbing dorks.

205
00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:59,652
But don't worry, we'll
find you some cool friends.

206
00:07:59,652 --> 00:08:00,784
My sister suggested

207
00:08:00,784 --> 00:08:03,787
you pick a fight with
someone to get noticed.

208
00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:05,179
Which is totally absurd.

209
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,226
Jetsie, cut it out!

210
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:10,097
That's not going to work!

211
00:08:10,097 --> 00:08:12,273
Will you stop it!
That's enough!

212
00:08:12,273 --> 00:08:13,666
Ahh!

213
00:08:13,666 --> 00:08:15,799
Aw, [beep].

214
00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:17,931
Jetsie!
I'm so sorry!

215
00:08:20,107 --> 00:08:21,848
Wait, you forgot
your teeth!

216
00:08:27,375 --> 00:08:28,855
Hey everyone!
Thought I'd drop in.

217
00:08:28,855 --> 00:08:30,944
[laughter]

218
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,250
Oh look.

219
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:33,294
It's eccentric billionaire
Richard Wheatthin.

220
00:08:33,294 --> 00:08:35,645
Do I smell haggis.
Or is that Jimmy's feet?

221
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,385
[laughter]

222
00:08:37,385 --> 00:08:39,910
...and he brought
a studio audience

223
00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:41,302
to laugh at
his dumb jokes.

224
00:08:41,302 --> 00:08:43,957
Might I say, Cookie,
you look delicious.

225
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,786
[raucous cheers]

226
00:08:46,786 --> 00:08:48,005
Can I try a bite?

227
00:08:48,005 --> 00:08:50,311
When it comes to Haggis,
I'm a bit of a gastronome.

228
00:08:50,311 --> 00:08:53,053
I've eaten it all
around the world.

229
00:08:53,053 --> 00:08:55,273
Around the world?

230
00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:56,883
That would make
you a gastronaut!

231
00:08:56,883 --> 00:08:59,582
[crickets chirping]

232
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,540
Seriously?
That was gold!

233
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:03,411
Mmm.
Amazing!

234
00:09:03,411 --> 00:09:06,153
You can barely taste
the intestines!

235
00:09:06,153 --> 00:09:08,155
Cookie, I have a
proposition for you.

236
00:09:08,155 --> 00:09:10,157
I been gettin'
propositioned all day.

237
00:09:10,157 --> 00:09:11,637
[laughter]

238
00:09:11,637 --> 00:09:13,247
That gets a laugh?

239
00:09:13,247 --> 00:09:14,597
You're a buncha dicks!

240
00:09:17,774 --> 00:09:21,516
This is my Scottish restaurant,
Wee Wee Wheatthin's!

241
00:09:21,516 --> 00:09:24,171
For some reason,
business has been slow.

242
00:09:24,171 --> 00:09:25,390
But I think we can
turn this place around,

243
00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:28,959
with Cookie as my
new executive chef!

244
00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:31,091
Wow! Jimmy,
what do you think?

245
00:09:31,091 --> 00:09:32,440
What's to
think about?

246
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:33,964
You can do this
in your sleep.

247
00:09:33,964 --> 00:09:35,879
But who'll run the house?I will!

248
00:09:35,879 --> 00:09:37,750
How hard can it be to
take care of two kids?

249
00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:39,099
Three kids.

250
00:09:39,099 --> 00:09:40,231
See? We'll all be
learnin' new things.

251
00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:42,929
Go for it.
It might be fun.

252
00:09:42,929 --> 00:09:45,758
In that case,
Mr. Wheatthin, I accept!

253
00:09:46,933 --> 00:09:49,414
To home, Betty.

254
00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:51,546
I've a stirrin'
in me kilt

255
00:09:51,546 --> 00:09:54,637
and I'm feelin'
a wee bit baaaahd.

256
00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:55,638
[bleats]

257
00:09:58,945 --> 00:10:00,860
I'm your new chef,
Cookie McDougal.

258
00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:02,949
Now, I'm a little new
to Scottish cooking,

259
00:10:02,949 --> 00:10:05,822
but I been doing a
"wee bit" o' research,

260
00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:08,259
and ah'm sure all you
"lads and lassies"

261
00:10:08,259 --> 00:10:10,000
will be "grrreat."

262
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,089
[laughs]

263
00:10:12,089 --> 00:10:13,743
These have been in the
freezer for three months

264
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:16,006
and you wanna serve
'em to the customers?

265
00:10:16,006 --> 00:10:17,572
This is a restaurant,
ya jagoff,

266
00:10:17,572 --> 00:10:19,662
not a Vietcong
prison camp!

267
00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:20,445
[crash]

268
00:10:21,794 --> 00:10:24,014
Are you sweatin'
in the soup?

269
00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:27,234
What the hell
is wrong with you?

270
00:10:27,234 --> 00:10:28,932
Ya know what?

271
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:31,325
Screw it, let's just serve
'em warmed over piss.

272
00:10:31,325 --> 00:10:32,936
Squat down.

273
00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:36,896
No?
Then start over!

274
00:10:36,896 --> 00:10:38,637
[whimpering]Ya can't cry
in the kitchen!

275
00:10:38,637 --> 00:10:41,335
If I see one more of you
mother[beep] cryin' in here,

276
00:10:41,335 --> 00:10:43,816
it's in the [beep]
oven you go!

277
00:10:43,816 --> 00:10:45,209
Head first!

278
00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:47,385
Ya think I'm playin'?

279
00:10:47,385 --> 00:10:51,258
[screaming]

280
00:10:51,258 --> 00:10:54,044
And let that be a
lesson to alla ya!

281
00:10:54,044 --> 00:10:58,265
[♪]

282
00:10:58,265 --> 00:11:00,180
[rattling]

283
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,922
[coughs]

284
00:11:02,922 --> 00:11:23,116
[♪]

285
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,639
[whirring]

286
00:11:24,639 --> 00:11:27,555
[plates breaking]

287
00:11:33,213 --> 00:11:34,824
"Brown meat in pan."

288
00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:36,651
This stuff's red,
but it'll have to do.

289
00:11:36,651 --> 00:11:37,435
"Add onion."
Done.

290
00:11:39,872 --> 00:11:40,743
Why doesn't it look
like the picture?

291
00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:43,702
Daddy, I need help
with my homework.

292
00:11:43,702 --> 00:11:44,877
I'm a little busy, but-

293
00:11:44,877 --> 00:11:45,573
What's the capital of Canada?

294
00:11:45,573 --> 00:11:46,879
That's easy.
Capital "C."

295
00:11:46,879 --> 00:11:49,882
Daddy, I only eat gluten-free.
Is that gluten-free?

296
00:11:49,882 --> 00:11:52,015
Don't worry, I ain't
gonna charge ya.

297
00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:53,799
Pop, I broke Jetsie's jaw.

298
00:11:53,799 --> 00:11:56,193
Good for you, son.But he's my friend.

299
00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:58,108
So you straightened out
your friend, I'm proud of ya.

300
00:11:58,108 --> 00:11:59,849
But I feel like a monster!

301
00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,111
I said I'm proud of ya!

302
00:12:01,111 --> 00:12:02,155
Quit fishin'
for compliments!

303
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:04,636
Daddy! Can you hand-wash
my bras and panties!

304
00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:07,073
Hoooh! I ain't
touchin' that stuff.

305
00:12:07,073 --> 00:12:08,205
Pop, what's an inukshuk?

306
00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:09,684
Mom does it!

307
00:12:09,684 --> 00:12:11,077
Pop, is that meat sauce?

308
00:12:11,077 --> 00:12:12,426
I don't eat anything
with a face.

309
00:12:12,426 --> 00:12:14,820
We're having face for dinner?
I wanted chicken fingers!

310
00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:16,474
Daddy I gotta make
a solar system!

311
00:12:16,474 --> 00:12:18,302
Daddy, I need
clean panties!

312
00:12:18,302 --> 00:12:20,391
Pop, I almost killed Jetsie!

313
00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:21,696
I wanted chicken fingers!

314
00:12:21,696 --> 00:12:24,699
[loud cross-talk]

315
00:12:24,699 --> 00:12:25,222
Chicken fingers!

316
00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:27,964
[loud scream]

317
00:12:27,964 --> 00:12:29,313
That's it!

318
00:12:29,313 --> 00:12:31,576
Go to bed, all of ya!

319
00:12:31,576 --> 00:12:32,229
But it's only
six-thirty.

320
00:12:32,229 --> 00:12:35,145
I said go to bed!

321
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,364
[growling]

322
00:12:37,364 --> 00:12:39,149
Ya know what?
Change my order to face.

323
00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:41,064
You too, Cheech!
Bed!

324
00:12:41,064 --> 00:12:43,066
But Jimmy...
Do I have to take off
this belt?

325
00:12:43,066 --> 00:12:45,068
I'll be good!

326
00:12:48,114 --> 00:12:49,812
I hope Jetsie's
in school today.

327
00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:51,639
I feel terrible about...

328
00:12:51,639 --> 00:12:52,292
What the hell?

329
00:12:52,292 --> 00:12:55,339
Aww poor little Jetsie.

330
00:12:55,339 --> 00:12:57,776
Do you want another
blended cheeseburger?

331
00:12:59,473 --> 00:13:00,779
Hey!

332
00:13:00,779 --> 00:13:02,346
There's the bully that
did this to Jetsie!

333
00:13:03,782 --> 00:13:05,436
Gina's wrong!

334
00:13:05,436 --> 00:13:07,438
High school's
not like prison.

335
00:13:07,438 --> 00:13:09,135
Though I do have goo
all over my face.

336
00:13:09,135 --> 00:13:11,746
I bet that happens
in prison.

337
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,665
Amazing, Cookie!

338
00:13:17,665 --> 00:13:19,972
In just one week you've totally
turned this place around.

339
00:13:19,972 --> 00:13:21,365
How did you do it?

340
00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:22,932
Get the hell
outta my kitchen!

341
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:23,584
I'm tryin'
to work here!

342
00:13:23,584 --> 00:13:25,935
[chuckles]
Now, now...

343
00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:26,326
I am your boss!

344
00:13:28,372 --> 00:13:29,416
Sorry! Sorry!

345
00:13:34,073 --> 00:13:35,031
Mom! Pop ruined
my underwear!

346
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,294
He made me go to bed
at 6:30 last night.

347
00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:38,948
I been up since 3am!

348
00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:40,079
I ain't namin' no names,

349
00:13:40,079 --> 00:13:43,343
but a certain fat-ass
ruined my homework.

350
00:13:43,343 --> 00:13:46,390
CHEECH:
Jimmy I need a change!

351
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:47,347
What the hell?

352
00:13:47,347 --> 00:13:50,002
Look at this
freakin' place!

353
00:13:50,002 --> 00:13:51,786
There's footprints on the
ceiling, the TV's on fire...

354
00:13:51,786 --> 00:13:54,659
and why am I standing
in three feet of water?

355
00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:56,748
Oh for God's sake...
Where's your father?

356
00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:59,446
JIMMY!

357
00:13:59,446 --> 00:14:01,448
Hey Cook.

358
00:14:01,448 --> 00:14:03,407
What the hell's
going on here?

359
00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:05,322
Nice to
see you too.Look at this place.

360
00:14:05,322 --> 00:14:07,846
What exactly do you
do all day?

361
00:14:07,846 --> 00:14:09,804
Besides work nine to five?

362
00:14:09,804 --> 00:14:11,110
Okay, ten to three...

363
00:14:11,110 --> 00:14:13,330
eleven to two
with a long lunch.

364
00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:15,593
I'm bustin' my butt at the
restaurant twenty-four-seven

365
00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:18,509
and you can't even
keep this house goin'?

366
00:14:18,509 --> 00:14:20,772
Me?
What kinda mother

367
00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:23,340
leaves her family
starving and laundry-less

368
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:24,994
and having to figure out
the capitals of Canada

369
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:26,430
all by themselves?

370
00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:27,387
What about your
womanly duties?

371
00:14:27,387 --> 00:14:29,041
Oh of course!
My womanly duties.

372
00:14:29,041 --> 00:14:30,390
How could I forget?

373
00:14:30,390 --> 00:14:33,045
Remind me again
what those are?

374
00:14:33,045 --> 00:14:35,700
Like havin' dinner ready on
the table for your husband,

375
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:37,223
like it says in the Bible.

376
00:14:37,223 --> 00:14:41,184
What part of the
Bible says that?

377
00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:44,187
You know, the part where
Jesus fights the whale!

378
00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:45,579
I thought this
restaurant thing

379
00:14:45,579 --> 00:14:46,841
was gonna be a
nice little hobby.

380
00:14:46,841 --> 00:14:50,933
Did you just say
"nice little hobby"?

381
00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:52,630
That's it.
I'm outta here!

382
00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:54,110
Where you goin'?

383
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:56,851
Back to work!
Where I get some respect!

384
00:14:56,851 --> 00:14:58,114
I respect you plenty!

385
00:14:58,114 --> 00:15:00,290
It's not like I told ya
to get in the kitchen,

386
00:15:00,290 --> 00:15:00,899
take off your top, and
make me a sandwich!

387
00:15:00,899 --> 00:15:03,119
[door shuts]

388
00:15:03,119 --> 00:15:03,423
Which actually
sounds pretty good.

389
00:15:07,688 --> 00:15:09,255
Since Cookie won't listen
to reason, or the Bible,

390
00:15:09,255 --> 00:15:11,475
we gotta shut
this place down.

391
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,651
Ya know, for the
good of the kids.

392
00:15:13,651 --> 00:15:15,174
Kills me to see 'em
neglected like that.

393
00:15:15,174 --> 00:15:16,654
Special Agent McCool.

394
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:19,396
Nice of you to drop by.
[chuckles]

395
00:15:19,396 --> 00:15:20,701
Full disclosure Cookie,

396
00:15:20,701 --> 00:15:22,399
I sometimes moonlight

397
00:15:22,399 --> 00:15:23,791
as the regional
health inspector...

398
00:15:23,791 --> 00:15:25,445
Well, I'd offer ya a bribe,

399
00:15:25,445 --> 00:15:28,231
but my kitchen is so spotless
ya could eat off the floor.

400
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,493
Speakin' of which...

401
00:15:29,493 --> 00:15:32,365
Ya done lickin' the
floor yet Rodney?

402
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,454
Don't worry Cookie,
my visit tonight

403
00:15:34,454 --> 00:15:36,195
is strictly as a haggis

404
00:15:36,195 --> 00:15:38,154
and cock-a-leekie-soup
craving foodie.

405
00:15:38,154 --> 00:15:40,286
Waiter, there's
a hand in my soup.

406
00:15:41,548 --> 00:15:42,854
And you're closed.

407
00:15:44,943 --> 00:15:46,031
You can't do this!

408
00:15:46,031 --> 00:15:48,555
Sorry, Cookie.

409
00:15:48,555 --> 00:15:50,775
Wee Wee Wheathin's is now
officially a crime scene.

410
00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:51,906
Geez, tough break,
Cook.

411
00:15:51,906 --> 00:15:55,171
But hey, you had a good run.
No shame in that.

412
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:56,737
McCOOL:
Oh, for shame!

413
00:15:56,737 --> 00:15:59,262
There's a foot in
the salad bar!

414
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:01,699
You're a great chef.
You deserve success.

415
00:16:01,699 --> 00:16:02,700
And you woulda had it,
but what are ya gonna do?

416
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:06,051
It's the unpredictable
hand of fate.

417
00:16:06,051 --> 00:16:08,401
Actually, it was
the hand of Lorenzo.

418
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:10,838
What I'm sayin' is,
maybe this is a sign.

419
00:16:10,838 --> 00:16:12,405
That your place is at home.

420
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,146
With your family.
And their laundry.

421
00:16:14,146 --> 00:16:15,626
You're right, Jimmy.

422
00:16:15,626 --> 00:16:18,368
Nothing to do now but
take my failed ass home.

423
00:16:20,065 --> 00:16:20,457
Bada-bing!

424
00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:28,030
[singing happily]

425
00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:30,902
What the hell?

426
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,427
Excuse me, sir.
Do you have a reservation?

427
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,167
What are ya
talkin' about? Theresa, it's me.

428
00:16:35,167 --> 00:16:37,778
This is my house.Nope!

429
00:16:37,778 --> 00:16:40,912
This is Mighty McDougal's
House of Haggis!

430
00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:43,132
You turned our house
into a restaurant?

431
00:16:43,132 --> 00:16:44,785
Ya said ya wanted me
home, so I came home.

432
00:16:44,785 --> 00:16:47,484
But it ain't fair to my
customers to shut down,

433
00:16:47,484 --> 00:16:49,790
so I brought 'em with me.

434
00:16:49,790 --> 00:16:52,228
Thanks for being so
supportive, sweetheart.

435
00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:54,447
I do not remember
being supportive.

436
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:55,666
And I do not remember
you having a reservation.

437
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,152
Cheech, will ya look at what
Cookie's done to this place!

438
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:04,762
I know!

439
00:17:04,762 --> 00:17:06,633
If I do a good job,
I could make dishwasher!

440
00:17:06,633 --> 00:17:08,157
Gina, how 'bout gettin'
the old man some food?

441
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:09,723
I'm starvin' here!

442
00:17:09,723 --> 00:17:10,811
No can do, Pop.
We're full up.

443
00:17:11,986 --> 00:17:12,900
I'll getcha a
shrimp cocktail.

444
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:13,945
And a beer?

445
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:15,555
No dice.

446
00:17:15,555 --> 00:17:18,645
All we gots here
is Rob Roys.

447
00:17:18,645 --> 00:17:20,865
Can we get a Heineken,
spritzer, and a Fuzzy Navel?

448
00:17:20,865 --> 00:17:21,648
Three Rob Roys, comin' up.

449
00:17:24,042 --> 00:17:28,090
For the last time, I do not
wanna buy a [beep] rose!

450
00:17:29,569 --> 00:17:31,136
Finally, a little
peace and quiet.

451
00:17:31,136 --> 00:17:34,618
[shivering]

452
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:40,798
WOMAN 1: ...I'm like,
ohmigod, seriously?

453
00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:43,148
And he's like,
totes seriously!

454
00:17:43,148 --> 00:17:47,805
WOMAN 2: Wow, so you
do have genital warts!

455
00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:49,023
JIMMY:
That's it![both scream]

456
00:17:50,764 --> 00:17:52,679
Restaurant's closed![gasping]

457
00:17:52,679 --> 00:17:54,638
You want a doggie bag?
Bag this!

458
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:56,074
[screaming]

459
00:17:56,074 --> 00:17:57,641
Hey jagoff, soup's on! [screaming]

460
00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:02,298
Jimmy! Have you lost
your freakin' mind?

461
00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:03,212
I can't stand it
no more, Cook!

462
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:05,562
I tried bein' supportive,

463
00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:07,303
but this restaurant thing
is tearin' our house apart!

464
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:09,043
Schwah-sch-

465
00:18:09,043 --> 00:18:10,219
Baby, I need you.

466
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:11,481
The kids need you.

467
00:18:11,481 --> 00:18:14,745
Shut down this circus and
let's be a family again.

468
00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:16,355
But you said
I was great.

469
00:18:16,355 --> 00:18:18,314
You said I
deserved success.

470
00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:19,358
And now you're
runnin' around

471
00:18:19,358 --> 00:18:21,882
like a freakin' animal
killin' my business!

472
00:18:21,882 --> 00:18:22,622
We're shuttin'
this place down too?

473
00:18:22,622 --> 00:18:25,538
Ah well, beats
sawin' off hands.

474
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,018
Ah, crap.

475
00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,541
That was you?

476
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:30,674
How could ya
do that to me?

477
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:32,458
Cookie, I'm sorry!
I was losing my mind!

478
00:18:32,458 --> 00:18:36,506
Ya don't know how hard it is
to run a household on your own!

479
00:18:36,506 --> 00:18:38,072
I don't?

480
00:18:38,072 --> 00:18:40,118
Ya looked after the
house for a week, Jimmy!

481
00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:43,426
I been doin' it
sixteen years!

482
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:45,079
Enjoy sleepin' on
the couch, mister.

483
00:18:45,079 --> 00:18:46,472
'Cause you ain't
getting nowhere

484
00:18:46,472 --> 00:18:48,735
near my meat
locker tonight.

485
00:18:48,735 --> 00:18:50,346
That's kind of a weird
thing to call your va-

486
00:18:50,346 --> 00:18:51,999
Oh, you mean the bedroom.

487
00:18:51,999 --> 00:18:54,045
Ahh!

488
00:18:54,045 --> 00:18:54,915
If ya want this
shrimp cocktail,

489
00:18:54,915 --> 00:18:57,048
you're gonna have to
throw some pants on.

490
00:19:00,704 --> 00:19:02,662
[sigh]

491
00:19:02,662 --> 00:19:06,100
Cookie's miserable
and I feel terrible.

492
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:07,493
That's marriage
for ya.

493
00:19:07,493 --> 00:19:09,147
Whaddaya gonna do?

494
00:19:09,147 --> 00:19:12,194
She was happy workin' at the
restaurant and we blew it.

495
00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:13,717
I gotta go make
this right.

496
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:15,414
How much righter
can ya get?

497
00:19:15,414 --> 00:19:17,155
She's back in the kitchen
where she belongs.

498
00:19:17,155 --> 00:19:19,462
She WAS in a kitchen,
ya moron!

499
00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:21,377
And I'm puttin'
her back there.

500
00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:23,727
Jimmy, she's
already there!

501
00:19:25,511 --> 00:19:26,033
Cheech, maybe sit
this one out, alright?

502
00:19:26,033 --> 00:19:28,688
Fine by me.

503
00:19:28,688 --> 00:19:30,603
I want off this freakin'
emotional roller coaster anyway!

504
00:19:35,129 --> 00:19:36,566
Alright.
Whaddaya want?

505
00:19:36,566 --> 00:19:39,308
I've realized that prison
rules don't apply in Canada.

506
00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:42,093
Here, people reward the
victim, not the aggressor.

507
00:19:42,093 --> 00:19:43,486
If I want to be surrounded
by girls like Jetsie,

508
00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:45,923
I need to get
my ass kicked.

509
00:19:45,923 --> 00:19:48,360
Wait a second, you want
me to beat you up?

510
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,014
In front of girls?

511
00:19:50,014 --> 00:19:52,364
I want some of the
action he's getting!

512
00:19:52,364 --> 00:19:53,626
What better way
to gain sympathy

513
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:56,325
than by being unjustly
trounced by a thug?

514
00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:58,240
Petey, think
this through...

515
00:19:58,240 --> 00:19:59,502
Hurry up!
[Come on, hit me!

516
00:19:59,502 --> 00:20:02,505
No! Get lost,
ya whack-job!

517
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:04,071
Come on, just a
few good shots!

518
00:20:04,071 --> 00:20:05,595
Real quick!
Give me what I want!

519
00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:07,466
Let go of me,
ya freakin' psycho!

520
00:20:07,466 --> 00:20:08,772
[gasp]

521
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:12,297
Now Jetsie's bully is
assaulting a little girl!

522
00:20:12,297 --> 00:20:13,559
Get him!

523
00:20:13,559 --> 00:20:16,606
[grunting]

524
00:20:16,606 --> 00:20:17,389
Hey, what are
you doing?

525
00:20:17,389 --> 00:20:20,044
What?
When in Rome...

526
00:20:20,044 --> 00:20:20,566
[grunting]

527
00:20:24,701 --> 00:20:27,138
Okay what are
we doing here?

528
00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:28,487
McCool called.

529
00:20:28,487 --> 00:20:30,924
Said there was a major
situation happening.

530
00:20:30,924 --> 00:20:32,839
Jimmy, what's
going on?

531
00:20:32,839 --> 00:20:34,537
And why are you dressed
like an undertaker?

532
00:20:34,537 --> 00:20:36,190
Good evening,
Chef Cookie.

533
00:20:36,190 --> 00:20:38,410
Welcome to the reopened
Wee Wee Wheatthins.

534
00:20:38,410 --> 00:20:40,151
I'll be your
new Matron Dee.

535
00:20:40,151 --> 00:20:41,761
Good news, Cookie.

536
00:20:41,761 --> 00:20:43,328
Your husband helped
us solve the mystery

537
00:20:43,328 --> 00:20:45,635
of the severed hand.

538
00:20:45,635 --> 00:20:48,290
[whispers]
Help!

539
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:49,987
Thanks to Jimmy,
you're back in business!

540
00:20:49,987 --> 00:20:52,642
Aw, Jimmy!

541
00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:54,905
You big,
sweet moron, you.

542
00:20:54,905 --> 00:20:55,601
Sorry I messed things
up for ya, Cook.

543
00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:01,912
It's kind of slow tonight,
only two customers.

544
00:21:01,912 --> 00:21:04,871
It's eight thirty,
the place should be packed!

545
00:21:04,871 --> 00:21:06,873
Maybe they heard about
the hand in the soup.

546
00:21:06,873 --> 00:21:08,005
People talk, ya know.

547
00:21:08,005 --> 00:21:10,224
Or maybe it was the
fat naked hairy guy

548
00:21:10,224 --> 00:21:12,052
hittin' people
with his junk.

549
00:21:12,052 --> 00:21:14,359
Hmm... I was worried
this might happen.

550
00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:17,231
You see Cookie, Haggis is
strictly a novelty food.

551
00:21:17,231 --> 00:21:18,711
People only ever
try it once,

552
00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:20,844
usually under the
influence of alcohol.

553
00:21:20,844 --> 00:21:23,803
So there won't be
any repeat customers?

554
00:21:23,803 --> 00:21:25,370
Not a one.

555
00:21:25,370 --> 00:21:28,025
I'm afraid Wee Wee Wheatthin's
has run its course.

556
00:21:28,025 --> 00:21:29,809
Then why'd you
bother re-opening?

557
00:21:29,809 --> 00:21:31,855
Yeah, why'd I get
my hopes up?

558
00:21:31,855 --> 00:21:33,160
What can I say?

559
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:34,466
For me Scottish
food can be very...

560
00:21:34,466 --> 00:21:35,162
"haggis forming".

561
00:21:35,162 --> 00:21:37,600
[laughter]

562
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,253
Give it a rest!

563
00:21:39,253 --> 00:21:40,037
You and your
stupid restaurant

564
00:21:40,037 --> 00:21:41,995
just about ruined
my marriage.

565
00:21:43,388 --> 00:21:45,695
Well, I guess I
ain't a cook no more.

566
00:21:45,695 --> 00:21:47,436
Baby, in the
kitchen of my heart,

567
00:21:47,436 --> 00:21:49,176
you'll always
be head chef.

568
00:21:50,569 --> 00:21:52,005
[audience 'Aw's]

569
00:21:52,005 --> 00:21:54,617
A round of drinks
for everyone!

570
00:21:54,617 --> 00:21:57,446
We're celebratin'
the birth of me son!

571
00:21:57,446 --> 00:21:58,882
[bleats]