1
00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:02,915
How'ya doin'?
I'm Jimmy Falcone,

2
00:00:02,915 --> 00:00:04,395
alias McDougal.

3
00:00:04,395 --> 00:00:07,311
Before I moved to the
not-so-Great White North,

4
00:00:07,311 --> 00:00:08,442
I was a capo in the mob.

5
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:12,577
Crime's been in my
family for generations.

6
00:00:12,577 --> 00:00:15,667
It all started with
my grand-pops, Giuseppe.

7
00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:16,885
He was a shoemaker
in the old country.

8
00:00:16,885 --> 00:00:19,845
Real handsome devil.

9
00:00:19,845 --> 00:00:22,152
Anyway, one day the
village Don asked him

10
00:00:22,152 --> 00:00:23,022
to make a pair of shoes.

11
00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:25,459
The Don believed shoe-size

12
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,026
was a reflection
of his manhood,

13
00:00:27,026 --> 00:00:29,942
his size-four manhood.

14
00:00:32,075 --> 00:00:34,860
He coulda drove a big car

15
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:36,427
or bought a freakin'
boat or somethin',

16
00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:38,211
but the guy wanted big shoes.
Whaddaya gonna do?

17
00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:43,216
Personally I'da blamed
the whole thing on gravity,

18
00:00:43,216 --> 00:00:45,349
but gravity wasn't
invented back then,

19
00:00:45,349 --> 00:00:46,263
so Giuseppe hadda skip town.

20
00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:52,530
By the time he got
to the next village,

21
00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:55,576
he was met by fear and respect.

22
00:00:55,576 --> 00:00:58,057
Dante Respect and Luciano Fear

23
00:00:58,057 --> 00:01:00,190
had a family that
needed some muscle.

24
00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:02,017
Giuseppe just whacked a Don,

25
00:01:02,017 --> 00:01:02,583
so he seemed like a good fit.

26
00:01:02,583 --> 00:01:05,412
[laughter]

27
00:01:05,412 --> 00:01:06,935
All those years
dealin' with feet

28
00:01:06,935 --> 00:01:09,938
made him kinda homicidal,

29
00:01:09,938 --> 00:01:13,116
so grand-pops moved up
the ranks pretty fast.

30
00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:16,031
Then one day he
came to America -

31
00:01:16,031 --> 00:01:17,729
Ya mean he got
run outta Italy!

32
00:01:17,729 --> 00:01:21,385
Point is, even though I'm livin'
like a schmuck in Regina,

33
00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:24,170
I like to think he's lookin'
down on me and smilin'...

34
00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:26,694
...and wonderin' why the hell
ya threw his family business

35
00:01:26,694 --> 00:01:28,174
down the crapper!

36
00:01:28,174 --> 00:01:31,177
You know what?
Just Fugget About It!

37
00:01:31,177 --> 00:01:32,309
♪ Let me tell you
something ♪

38
00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:34,354
♪ 'bout a friend
or ours named Jimmy ♪

39
00:01:34,354 --> 00:01:37,401
♪ made the Wiseguy and
the Capo with Gambini ♪

40
00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:40,055
♪ When he found out they'd
be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

41
00:01:40,055 --> 00:01:41,187
♪ He take the boss,

42
00:01:41,187 --> 00:01:43,537
♪ He threw him from
the 19th floor suite ♪

43
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:46,584
♪ Wasn't much long
'til the mob wants him dead ♪

44
00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:49,587
♪ So Jimmy had no choice
but to talk to all the Feds ♪

45
00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:52,459
♪ the Feds say they have to
take and use him as a pawn ♪

46
00:01:52,459 --> 00:01:54,896
♪ So he ratted out his friends
and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

47
00:01:54,896 --> 00:01:56,550
♪ Fugget about it

48
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:57,856
♪ Fugget about it

49
00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:59,379
♪ Fugget about it

50
00:01:59,379 --> 00:02:00,815
Oh!
Fugget about it!

51
00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:05,080
Alright, scumbag.

52
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,952
You think you can
come onto my turf

53
00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:08,301
and just take what you want?

54
00:02:08,301 --> 00:02:10,216
Do you even know who I am?

55
00:02:10,216 --> 00:02:12,871
Ya got three seconds to
get the hell outta here.

56
00:02:14,916 --> 00:02:16,309
Now is that nice?

57
00:02:16,309 --> 00:02:18,181
I give ya a chance to walk away

58
00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:19,791
and ya just laugh in my face?

59
00:02:21,140 --> 00:02:23,098
Did you just eat a condom?

60
00:02:23,098 --> 00:02:24,970
Alright, enough screwin' around.

61
00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:27,277
Say hello to my enormous friend.

62
00:02:27,277 --> 00:02:30,410
[shrieks]

63
00:02:30,410 --> 00:02:31,890
Yeah, that's right.

64
00:02:31,890 --> 00:02:33,935
Go home to your mother,
ya overgrown rat!

65
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,637
...to conclude
my show-and-tell

66
00:02:39,637 --> 00:02:42,553
if a man at the park
asks you into the woods

67
00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:46,426
to find his lost dog,
remember...

68
00:02:46,426 --> 00:02:49,734
there is no dog.

69
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,301
Good job, Mary.

70
00:02:51,301 --> 00:02:53,738
You go sit with Prudence
the Safety Hippo.

71
00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:55,392
Gina, your turn.

72
00:02:55,392 --> 00:02:57,394
Alright, let's get
this over with.

73
00:02:57,394 --> 00:02:59,657
I wanna talk about
personal safety.

74
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:02,573
There's a lotta creeps
and weirdos out there -

75
00:03:02,573 --> 00:03:04,575
not to mention
stoolies, deadbeats,

76
00:03:04,575 --> 00:03:06,490
and guys who just
don't listen.

77
00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:08,274
Ya gotta protect
yourself...

78
00:03:08,274 --> 00:03:10,624
so you're gonna
need one of these.

79
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:11,103
[gasps]

80
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:12,409
She's got a gun!

81
00:03:15,586 --> 00:03:18,110
Relax!
It ain't loaded. [alarm rings]

82
00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:19,720
Now it's loaded.

83
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,200
ALL:
Ooh!

84
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:24,769
Alright, who took
my facial stuff?

85
00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:26,771
No idea.

86
00:03:26,771 --> 00:03:28,294
Jesus Christ!

87
00:03:28,294 --> 00:03:29,904
You look like a
sixty-year old avocado.

88
00:03:29,904 --> 00:03:32,211
Well, I took care
of that raccoon.

89
00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:34,953
Sent him runnin' with his
tail between his legs...

90
00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:36,041
least I think it was his tail.

91
00:03:36,041 --> 00:03:39,740
If not, you should see
the wang on that rodent.

92
00:03:39,740 --> 00:03:40,741
TV ANCHOR:
Breaking news!

93
00:03:40,741 --> 00:03:44,049
Celine Dion Elementary
is under lockdown

94
00:03:44,049 --> 00:03:47,357
after reports of a gunman
holding a class hostage!

95
00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:48,967
That's Gina's school!

96
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:51,317
Oh my God, we gotta get
down there right now!

97
00:03:51,317 --> 00:03:53,406
No can do. This stuff
takes twenty minutes.

98
00:03:53,406 --> 00:03:54,842
Jimmy, we gotta go!

99
00:03:54,842 --> 00:03:56,627
Where the hell's Jimmy?

100
00:03:56,627 --> 00:03:58,281
[loud crash]

101
00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,326
What are ya waitin' for?
Let's roll!

102
00:04:00,326 --> 00:04:02,415
...good question, Billy.

103
00:04:02,415 --> 00:04:04,504
Personally, I like
to go for the knees.

104
00:04:04,504 --> 00:04:05,723
But, if ya gotta
take someone out,

105
00:04:05,723 --> 00:04:08,682
give 'em two to the chest
and one to the head.

106
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:11,729
After that, he ain't
gettin' up no more...

107
00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:13,296
Okay, any other
questions?

108
00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:16,690
Besides
"Can I hold the gun?"

109
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,257
ALL:
Awwww!

110
00:04:19,780 --> 00:04:21,478
Alright, we need firepower.
Wanna take the Uzis?

111
00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:25,264
Nah, I don't wanna
look like a show-off.

112
00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:27,179
I hate to say it,

113
00:04:27,179 --> 00:04:28,920
but shouldn't we just
let the cops handle this?

114
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:29,921
You worry too much!

115
00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:31,531
We know what we're doin'.[loud shot]

116
00:04:31,531 --> 00:04:33,881
Shots fired!
We need guns, dammit!

117
00:04:33,881 --> 00:04:37,145
I'm filling out the
requisition as fast as I can!

118
00:04:37,145 --> 00:04:38,712
Get your ass in there!

119
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,366
And take some grenades!

120
00:04:40,366 --> 00:04:47,025
[♪]

121
00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:49,070
I can't remember which
classroom's Gina's.

122
00:04:49,070 --> 00:04:50,811
I only been here
once for interviews

123
00:04:50,811 --> 00:04:52,030
and I was pretty drunk.

124
00:04:53,379 --> 00:04:54,424
Whoa![loud shot]

125
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,164
[screaming]

126
00:04:56,164 --> 00:04:59,080
There they go!
Saskatchewan's finest!

127
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,604
[neighing]

128
00:05:00,604 --> 00:05:02,910
Fear not Cookie,
I came as soon as I heard!

129
00:05:02,910 --> 00:05:05,435
No time for pleasantries,
I'd better get inside...

130
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:08,394
But may I say, it's
a glorious morning today!

131
00:05:08,394 --> 00:05:10,222
Dammit McCool,
there's no time!

132
00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:13,225
No [beep]! Get in there
and save my daughter.

133
00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:15,619
For Canada,
where we downplay

134
00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:17,925
our increasingly
frequent gun violence!

135
00:05:19,187 --> 00:05:20,406
[loud crash]

136
00:05:21,929 --> 00:05:24,279
If there ain't any more
questions, I guess I'm done.

137
00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:25,324
Ahh! [loud shot]

138
00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:27,587
Oh.
ALL:
Oh!

139
00:05:27,587 --> 00:05:30,285
Gina, I been lookin'
all over for ya!

140
00:05:30,285 --> 00:05:33,158
Oh crap. You're the
guy with the gun.

141
00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:35,073
Whoa!
You brought shotguns?

142
00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:35,421
And a troll!

143
00:05:37,684 --> 00:05:38,816
This ain't good.
We better beat it -

144
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,298
Hey McCool!
You here for Safety Week?

145
00:05:46,867 --> 00:05:49,217
It appears you own a number
of illegal guns, Jimmy.

146
00:05:49,217 --> 00:05:51,785
I'm going to have to conduct

147
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,570
a thorough search
of the premises.

148
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:55,789
Do you have any
idea the paperwork

149
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:58,009
this is going to generate?
DO YOU?

150
00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,532
You're blowin' this
way out of prop...

151
00:05:59,532 --> 00:06:01,839
porp...
size.

152
00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:03,231
Pop, this fell again.

153
00:06:03,231 --> 00:06:05,277
I told you it's too heavy
to use as a curtain-rod.

154
00:06:05,277 --> 00:06:06,191
Daddy, you left this
in the bathroom.

155
00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:08,933
I almost dried
my hair with it.

156
00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:11,414
Really?
Both of ya?

157
00:06:11,414 --> 00:06:13,372
Exactly now?

158
00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:15,766
Jimmy, I can't keep this
under my mattress no more.

159
00:06:15,766 --> 00:06:17,768
Keeps pokin' me in
my sensitive areas.

160
00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:23,251
McCOOL: Sweet Kiefer
Sutherland, Jimmy!

161
00:06:23,251 --> 00:06:25,036
Why you gotta make
such a big deal?

162
00:06:25,036 --> 00:06:26,907
It's just a few
home-security items.

163
00:06:26,907 --> 00:06:28,474
Just having that one
within our borders

164
00:06:28,474 --> 00:06:30,476
violates the Geneva convention!

165
00:06:30,476 --> 00:06:32,391
This is just like
Chuck Heston warned us.

166
00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:34,959
One day the government's
gonna show up

167
00:06:34,959 --> 00:06:36,569
and take all our guns.

168
00:06:36,569 --> 00:06:39,050
Next thing ya know, we're in
camps gettin' brainwashed

169
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:40,660
about evolution
and global warming.

170
00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:44,316
I got a constitutionary
right to bear arms!

171
00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:47,667
Yeah! You can't tell people
what to do with their sleeves!

172
00:06:47,667 --> 00:06:50,322
Perhaps you possessed that
right when you were American.

173
00:06:50,322 --> 00:06:52,542
But you're Canadian now.It's true, Pop.

174
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:54,500
Canada's Charter
of Rights and Freedoms

175
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:56,894
does not protect
gun ownership.

176
00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:58,722
Or as they say in Quebec:

177
00:06:58,722 --> 00:07:01,072
La Charte canadienne
des droits et libertés

178
00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:02,552
ne protège pas la
possession d'armes.

179
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:06,077
I memorized it in both
official languages!

180
00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:07,339
Now you're turnin'
my own son against me.

181
00:07:07,339 --> 00:07:10,385
And you got him
talkin' Spanish!

182
00:07:10,385 --> 00:07:11,952
Is this everything?

183
00:07:11,952 --> 00:07:13,998
You're not holding
out on me, are you?

184
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:17,305
Me? Hold out
on a cop? Never.

185
00:07:17,305 --> 00:07:20,265
Then what's that slight
bump on your waistband?

186
00:07:20,265 --> 00:07:22,180
I'm a little excited,
thanks for noticing.

187
00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:23,573
Lift your shirt, Jimmy.

188
00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:26,227
Is this how you get
your kicks, McCool?

189
00:07:26,227 --> 00:07:27,881
You really oughta
see a therapist.

190
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:29,056
For chrissake,
just hand it over!

191
00:07:29,056 --> 00:07:31,537
What, you too?

192
00:07:31,537 --> 00:07:32,799
McCool's right.

193
00:07:32,799 --> 00:07:33,757
Like it or not,
we're Canadian.

194
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:36,150
Dont'cha think it's
time you assimilated?

195
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:39,632
No! I've had this
gun since I was ten.

196
00:07:39,632 --> 00:07:41,808
No one's takin'
Remington Steele!

197
00:07:41,808 --> 00:07:42,983
Hand it over, Jimmy.

198
00:07:42,983 --> 00:07:44,071
What if I don't?

199
00:07:44,071 --> 00:07:46,247
Then I shall be
forced to arrest you.

200
00:07:46,247 --> 00:07:47,945
You'll be charged,
tried, convicted,

201
00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:49,163
then remanded to jail.

202
00:07:49,163 --> 00:07:51,644
The days will be lonely
and the nights long...

203
00:07:51,644 --> 00:07:53,559
Until your cellmate, Rusty,

204
00:07:53,559 --> 00:07:55,561
sells you to the Skinheads
who run the yard.

205
00:07:55,561 --> 00:07:58,085
No amount of
toilet-brewed prison wine

206
00:07:58,085 --> 00:08:01,045
will erase the memory of
their oddly gentle love.

207
00:08:02,263 --> 00:08:04,265
You want this gun, McCool?

208
00:08:04,265 --> 00:08:07,660
You're gonna have to pry it
from my cold, dead pants.

209
00:08:07,660 --> 00:08:10,576
"Hands", Jimmy.
I think you mean "hands".

210
00:08:10,576 --> 00:08:11,272
Whatever!
You're not gettin' it.

211
00:08:11,272 --> 00:08:14,667
I'm a responsible gun owner.

212
00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:15,450
Hey, where'd it go?

213
00:08:15,450 --> 00:08:17,844
Dance, [beep]![loud shots]

214
00:08:17,844 --> 00:08:19,019
Dance!

215
00:08:19,019 --> 00:08:20,543
[maniacal laugh]

216
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:24,982
[groans]

217
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:28,159
I was just gettin'
my rhythm!

218
00:08:32,119 --> 00:08:34,252
Hoho, look who's
back in town.

219
00:08:34,252 --> 00:08:35,601
Feelin' strong today?

220
00:08:35,601 --> 00:08:36,994
'cause I got
somethin' for ya...

221
00:08:37,821 --> 00:08:38,952
Oh, crap...

222
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,128
Alright, let's do it
the old-fashioned way.

223
00:08:41,128 --> 00:08:44,088
Put up your...dukes?
Uh, claws? Hoofs?

224
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:45,480
What do you call
them foot-hands?

225
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,482
[growling]

226
00:08:47,482 --> 00:08:49,136
Alright, which one
of you is first?

227
00:08:49,136 --> 00:08:49,833
[screams]

228
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,269
Oh! Ho! Oh!

229
00:08:55,490 --> 00:08:58,276
Well kid, ya really
did it this time.

230
00:08:58,276 --> 00:08:59,625
They're gonna kick
ya outta school...

231
00:08:59,625 --> 00:09:01,888
Yes!

232
00:09:01,888 --> 00:09:03,455
...unless you take
this medication.

233
00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:04,587
No!

234
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,458
They're puttin' me
on drugs?

235
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:08,373
It's called Apacify.

236
00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:10,897
It reduces psychotic
tendencies in children.

237
00:09:10,897 --> 00:09:13,508
Side effects may include
dry mouth, disorientation,

238
00:09:13,508 --> 00:09:16,729
nausea, and increased
thoughts of murder.

239
00:09:16,729 --> 00:09:19,471
Huh, well, I'm sure they
wouldn't prescribe it

240
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:21,255
if it wasn't a
hundred percent safe.

241
00:09:21,255 --> 00:09:23,040
Tell that to Mr. Flip.

242
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:26,739
His ma took thalidomide.
Look how he turned out!

243
00:09:26,739 --> 00:09:28,523
Mr. Flip turned out fine!

244
00:09:28,523 --> 00:09:30,090
It's not his fault
he's a monster.

245
00:09:30,090 --> 00:09:32,266
I ain't takin' 'em!

246
00:09:32,266 --> 00:09:33,572
I don't like
this either

247
00:09:33,572 --> 00:09:34,965
but if you don't, they'll
take you away from us

248
00:09:34,965 --> 00:09:38,621
and send ya to a special school
where ya gotta wear a helmet.

249
00:09:38,621 --> 00:09:40,057
You always told me
drugs was bad!

250
00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:42,320
This is medicine!

251
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,583
It comes from a nice
man in a laboratory.

252
00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:47,586
Drugs come from a bad man
on the street corner.

253
00:09:47,586 --> 00:09:49,719
You mean like the guys
who used to work for Pop?

254
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:52,765
Quit stallin' kid.
Pill or helmet? Your call.

255
00:09:54,419 --> 00:09:56,160
There!
Ya happy?

256
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,597
Your daughter's a
freakin' druggie now!

257
00:09:58,597 --> 00:10:00,251
Congrats, you just won
Mother of The Year!

258
00:10:02,906 --> 00:10:05,212
Oh God, I hope this is
the right thing to do.

259
00:10:05,212 --> 00:10:06,649
AH!
Eww!

260
00:10:06,649 --> 00:10:07,693
Don't touch me
with that thing!

261
00:10:11,566 --> 00:10:13,003
Ah...
[gasp]

262
00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:15,266
I just got rolled
by a [beep] raccoon!

263
00:10:16,528 --> 00:10:18,312
[zips]

264
00:10:18,312 --> 00:10:20,619
Ever since I got up today,
I been feelin' off-balance...

265
00:10:20,619 --> 00:10:23,056
and I got a persistent
itch in my trigger finger.

266
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,275
Don't you see, Pop?

267
00:10:24,275 --> 00:10:26,799
When you gave McCool your gun,

268
00:10:26,799 --> 00:10:28,583
you gave up an essential part
of your American identity.

269
00:10:28,583 --> 00:10:32,675
You're right.
Now I gotta steal it back.

270
00:10:32,675 --> 00:10:34,807
It's gonna be hard
with no gun.

271
00:10:34,807 --> 00:10:37,201
Or, you could finally
embrace life as a Canadian.

272
00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:38,593
How the hell do I do that?

273
00:10:38,593 --> 00:10:39,507
By embarking on a long voyage

274
00:10:39,507 --> 00:10:42,423
of introspection
and self-discovery.

275
00:10:42,423 --> 00:10:44,121
Self-discovery?

276
00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:46,558
Like what you were doin'
when I walked in here?

277
00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:49,866
No, I'm talking about
a spiritual makeover.

278
00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:52,607
Did someone say "makeover?"

279
00:10:52,607 --> 00:10:54,958
What? My fashion
sense was tingling!

280
00:10:54,958 --> 00:11:04,750
[♪]

281
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:07,361
Jeans, jean shirt,
and a jean jacket.

282
00:11:07,361 --> 00:11:09,668
It's a Canadian Tuxedo!

283
00:11:09,668 --> 00:11:11,409
These jeans are too tight.

284
00:11:13,454 --> 00:11:14,629
[pop]Ah!

285
00:11:14,629 --> 00:11:15,979
What was that?

286
00:11:15,979 --> 00:11:16,893
My balls just went back in.

287
00:11:16,893 --> 00:11:18,111
[pop]

288
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,548
...and they're out.

289
00:11:20,548 --> 00:11:22,986
I still don't get
why I'm tied up.

290
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:24,857
I'm going to teach you
the most important part

291
00:11:24,857 --> 00:11:26,250
of being Canadian.

292
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:28,687
You need to suppress
your innate American urge

293
00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:31,559
for self-preservation
and apologize to me.

294
00:11:31,559 --> 00:11:33,779
For what? Ow!
Ya Motherf-

295
00:11:33,779 --> 00:11:34,649
It's the Canadian way!

296
00:11:34,649 --> 00:11:38,088
I wrong you,
you say sorry to me.

297
00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:39,132
Ow! Ow!

298
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:41,047
You're grounded.

299
00:11:42,222 --> 00:11:43,702
What are you doing?

300
00:11:43,702 --> 00:11:44,572
I'm using aversion therapy
to turn Pop Canadian.

301
00:11:46,792 --> 00:11:47,575
That's for grounding
me last week!

302
00:11:47,575 --> 00:11:50,187
That's for taking
away my make-up!

303
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:52,319
That's for not letting
me date a black guy!

304
00:11:52,319 --> 00:11:54,669
It wasn't racial!
He was forty years old!

305
00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:57,716
[sigh]
Thanks Petey.

306
00:11:57,716 --> 00:11:58,761
I feel a lot better.

307
00:12:00,066 --> 00:12:01,676
Sorry.

308
00:12:01,676 --> 00:12:03,200
Sorry...

309
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,679
Really [beep] sorry...

310
00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:06,464
I believe we've
made a breakthrough.

311
00:12:10,424 --> 00:12:11,730
What's goin' on, Petey?

312
00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:13,340
What's the big surprise?

313
00:12:13,340 --> 00:12:15,299
I present to you... [drum roll]

314
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:16,691
Canadian Dad!

315
00:12:18,998 --> 00:12:20,826
I don't get it.
He looks the same,

316
00:12:20,826 --> 00:12:22,393
except he's dressed
as a Village People.

317
00:12:22,393 --> 00:12:24,221
Go on Pop, say it.

318
00:12:24,221 --> 00:12:25,396
Sorry.

319
00:12:25,396 --> 00:12:26,440
No, the other thing.

320
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,966
[sigh]
Forget a-boot it.

321
00:12:29,966 --> 00:12:31,402
Oh my God!
He's a whole new man!

322
00:12:31,402 --> 00:12:33,447
This calls for
a celebration!

323
00:12:33,447 --> 00:12:37,103
You're finally a real Canadian.

324
00:12:37,103 --> 00:12:39,714
I'm so proud of ya.

325
00:12:39,714 --> 00:12:40,890
What the [beep]?

326
00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:42,717
Hi Mommy!
Hi Daddy!

327
00:12:42,717 --> 00:12:45,285
Guess what!
I did all my homework!

328
00:12:45,285 --> 00:12:46,983
You did your homework?

329
00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:47,810
Uh huh.

330
00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:49,594
And then I cleaned my room.

331
00:12:49,594 --> 00:12:51,117
And Then I cleaned Petey's room,

332
00:12:51,117 --> 00:12:53,903
and then I made Uncle Cheech
and me had a tea party!

333
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,643
Who wants huggie-poos?

334
00:12:55,643 --> 00:12:57,384
Gina, you
feelin' okay?

335
00:12:57,384 --> 00:12:59,343
Petey made you
Canadian too?

336
00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:00,953
No, Daddy.

337
00:13:00,953 --> 00:13:03,477
It's because of the magic
happy pills Mommy gave me.

338
00:13:03,477 --> 00:13:06,741
These rainbows
are made of smiles,

339
00:13:06,741 --> 00:13:07,525
wishes, and
good dreams!

340
00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:10,006
Speaking of
good dreams

341
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:12,356
I'm gonna skedaddle
off to bed!

342
00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:13,966
Night night!

343
00:13:13,966 --> 00:13:17,187
Wow. I guess that Apacify
stuff really works.

344
00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:18,710
If you want me to
babysit tonight,

345
00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:20,146
I'm gonna need a bottle
of whatever she's on.

346
00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:25,848
Jimmy, ya didn't yell
at the parking guy

347
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:27,240
for scratchin' the car.

348
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,981
Ya didn't send back
that pink chicken.

349
00:13:28,981 --> 00:13:31,331
And ya gave the
squeegee kid a loonie

350
00:13:31,331 --> 00:13:32,245
instead of runnin'
him over.

351
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,987
Frankly, I'm blown
away by the new you.

352
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:39,949
Hey! We're standin'
in line here!

353
00:13:39,949 --> 00:13:41,254
Those were our tickets!

354
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,516
Jimmy, do somethin'!

355
00:13:42,516 --> 00:13:43,561
I got it.

356
00:13:43,561 --> 00:13:45,693
Sorry my wife yelled at ya!

357
00:13:45,693 --> 00:13:46,912
Ugh!

358
00:13:46,912 --> 00:13:48,218
Hold this.

359
00:13:48,218 --> 00:13:50,263
[loud thumps and screams]

360
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:52,439
[man sobbing]

361
00:13:52,439 --> 00:13:55,138
Here's your purse back.Keep it.
Looks better on you.

362
00:13:58,924 --> 00:14:00,099
Some night out!

363
00:14:00,099 --> 00:14:03,189
I really wanted to see
that movie, but noooo...

364
00:14:03,189 --> 00:14:04,712
Captain Canada here

365
00:14:04,712 --> 00:14:07,280
had to drive those
mooks to the hospital.

366
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,239
You're the one who
wanted me to be Canadian.

367
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:10,893
The Jimmy I know
woulda taken apart

368
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:12,372
those line-jumpin' jagoffs.

369
00:14:12,372 --> 00:14:14,505
Bein' Canadian doesn't mean

370
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:16,376
ya gotta let people
walk all over ya!

371
00:14:16,376 --> 00:14:18,335
I didn't let 'em
walk all over me.

372
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:19,292
I took the high road.

373
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:22,730
Yeah, the high
road to Wuss-burg.

374
00:14:22,730 --> 00:14:24,732
I wanted ya to
give up your gun.

375
00:14:24,732 --> 00:14:26,647
Not your entire
freakin' manhood.

376
00:14:26,647 --> 00:14:29,172
What are you sayin'?
I ain't a man no more?

377
00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:32,305
'Coz if you want a man,
I'll show you a man!

378
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,698
C'mere baby!

379
00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:36,744
Ooh!
Now we're talkin'!

380
00:14:36,744 --> 00:14:38,442
Ooooh! There's
my big, strong man.

381
00:14:38,442 --> 00:14:41,619
There's those big,
strong arms...

382
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,273
And there's your
big, strong...

383
00:14:44,404 --> 00:14:46,058
Your big, strong...

384
00:14:46,058 --> 00:14:47,538
JIMMY:
Gimme a sec.

385
00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:48,060
Where are ya, big fella?

386
00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:50,280
Lemme concentrate...

387
00:14:51,759 --> 00:14:53,979
C'mon what's the
matter with ya,

388
00:14:53,979 --> 00:14:55,415
Up... come on...

389
00:14:55,415 --> 00:14:59,332
[mutters in Italian]

390
00:15:00,507 --> 00:15:04,294
[sigh]
We could just...cuddle?

391
00:15:04,294 --> 00:15:05,686
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight on TBS,

392
00:15:05,686 --> 00:15:07,558
Matthew McConaughey in
"Failure to Launch"!

393
00:15:11,692 --> 00:15:12,171
[sigh]

394
00:15:12,171 --> 00:15:14,043
[squealing]

395
00:15:15,696 --> 00:15:17,263
[groan]

396
00:15:17,263 --> 00:15:18,395
Hey Jimmy, who died?

397
00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:19,570
What? I'm fine.

398
00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:21,006
You can't fool me.

399
00:15:21,006 --> 00:15:22,399
I know somethin's wrong.

400
00:15:22,399 --> 00:15:23,487
Spit it out.

401
00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:26,098
Well, I got
this friend, see...

402
00:15:26,098 --> 00:15:27,882
He's havin'
a little problem.

403
00:15:27,882 --> 00:15:28,666
Stop right there.

404
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:29,449
Who's this
[beep] friend?

405
00:15:29,449 --> 00:15:31,451
I thought I was
your friend!

406
00:15:31,451 --> 00:15:33,323
Shut up!
The guy's in trouble!

407
00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:34,846
You don't wanna help?
Get outta here!

408
00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:36,108
Okay, relax.
I'm listenin'.

409
00:15:36,108 --> 00:15:37,414
Alright, look.

410
00:15:37,414 --> 00:15:38,893
Not to get too specific,

411
00:15:38,893 --> 00:15:42,723
but let's just say,
my friend, who is not me,

412
00:15:42,723 --> 00:15:48,599
is no longer able to
achieve or maintain

413
00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:51,950
a viable...erection.

414
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:53,734
Quit beatin' around the bush.

415
00:15:53,734 --> 00:15:55,040
What's your friend's problem?

416
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,824
His ring-a-ding-ding's
got no dong.

417
00:15:56,824 --> 00:15:58,348
Hoh! Why ya gotta
be so graphic?

418
00:15:58,348 --> 00:16:00,828
Okay.
I got this.

419
00:16:00,828 --> 00:16:03,788
Ol' Cheech knows a thing
or two about a thing or two.

420
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:04,528
Ya do?Oh yeah.

421
00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:06,704
There's a simple solution.

422
00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:08,271
Really?
Thank God!

423
00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:11,926
Tell your friend...
to blow his brains out.

424
00:16:11,926 --> 00:16:12,884
WHAT?That's right.

425
00:16:12,884 --> 00:16:14,581
It's over.
He ain't a man no more.

426
00:16:14,581 --> 00:16:16,496
Tell him to make
a dignified exit.

427
00:16:16,496 --> 00:16:18,977
You'll be doin'
him a favour.

428
00:16:18,977 --> 00:16:20,065
Jesus, I was mad
at the guy,

429
00:16:20,065 --> 00:16:21,545
now I just pity the
poor son of a bitch.

430
00:16:22,894 --> 00:16:24,896
[sigh]

431
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:30,728
Hi Daddy!

432
00:16:30,728 --> 00:16:33,644
Can I nudge in there
and brush Mister Chompers?

433
00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:35,472
Sure kid...whatever.

434
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:38,083
Oh, who's a big glummy-pants?

435
00:16:38,083 --> 00:16:39,911
Let's see a smile,
Captain Frowns-A-lot!

436
00:16:39,911 --> 00:16:42,348
Mommy!

437
00:16:42,348 --> 00:16:43,523
Daddy's being
a grumpy-puss!

438
00:16:43,523 --> 00:16:45,525
What's goin' on
in here?

439
00:16:45,525 --> 00:16:47,571
Daddy's sad, Mommy!

440
00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:49,921
Do you think we should give him
some of my magic happy pills?

441
00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:52,141
Huh mom?

442
00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:54,273
No! Those are for you,
and not for much longer.

443
00:16:54,273 --> 00:16:56,406
Run along now.

444
00:16:57,711 --> 00:16:59,061
I don't know
about you, Jimmy,

445
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:00,453
but that kid's startin'
to freak me out.

446
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,977
Leave her alone.
She's happy.

447
00:17:02,977 --> 00:17:04,631
What's wrong with you?

448
00:17:04,631 --> 00:17:06,807
Our little girl ain't
our little girl no more!

449
00:17:06,807 --> 00:17:07,765
Can't you see that?

450
00:17:07,765 --> 00:17:10,463
Hey. She's Canadian.
What do ya want?

451
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:11,769
Now excuse me,

452
00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:14,293
I gotta go pay protection
to some raccoons.

453
00:17:14,293 --> 00:17:15,555
[sobbing]

454
00:17:15,555 --> 00:17:17,253
What's wrong, Ma?

455
00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:20,299
Did you see Petey's
internet history?

456
00:17:20,299 --> 00:17:22,562
Worse! He turned your
father into a Canadian

457
00:17:22,562 --> 00:17:25,739
and now he's...
not himself.

458
00:17:25,739 --> 00:17:27,741
You probably don't
wanna hear this,

459
00:17:27,741 --> 00:17:29,787
but our walls
are real thin,

460
00:17:29,787 --> 00:17:32,268
and I know you and
Dad are havin' a -

461
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:33,878
[cough]
intimacy problem.

462
00:17:33,878 --> 00:17:35,009
Oh God,
the thought of -

463
00:17:35,009 --> 00:17:37,142
[gags]
you listening.

464
00:17:37,142 --> 00:17:38,491
I know this is gonna
sound wrong -

465
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,363
[swallows vomit]

466
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:41,190
But I think I can help.

467
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:43,931
Not...
Another...

468
00:17:43,931 --> 00:17:45,846
[retches]
Word...

469
00:17:45,846 --> 00:17:48,197
Theresa, this problem runs
a lot deeper than what...

470
00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:49,763
[gagging]

471
00:17:49,763 --> 00:17:51,243
...you're talkin' about.

472
00:17:51,243 --> 00:17:53,463
Ma, he's an Italian guy.

473
00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:54,420
It don't go any
deeper than that.

474
00:17:54,420 --> 00:17:57,249
You need to make
him jealous.

475
00:17:57,249 --> 00:17:59,251
When one of my boyfriends
doesn't pay attention to me,

476
00:17:59,251 --> 00:18:00,861
I flirt with someone else.

477
00:18:00,861 --> 00:18:02,298
You should do that.

478
00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:05,127
Jesus forgive me for talkin'
to my daughter about this.

479
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:07,085
Lemme get this straight.
[vomits]

480
00:18:07,085 --> 00:18:08,913
All I need is some stud
to slobber all over me,

481
00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:11,611
Jimmy gets jealous, turns
into the gorilla that he is,

482
00:18:11,611 --> 00:18:13,831
and everything's
back to normal?

483
00:18:13,831 --> 00:18:15,180
Exactly!

484
00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:16,442
And then we never
speak of this again.

485
00:18:16,442 --> 00:18:18,792
Yes...
[gurgling]

486
00:18:18,792 --> 00:18:19,793
please.

487
00:18:19,793 --> 00:18:21,273
But first -

488
00:18:21,273 --> 00:18:24,320
[vomits, swallows]

489
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:24,755
...we're goin'
to confession.

490
00:18:28,106 --> 00:18:31,588
Normally I wouldn't participate
in such subterfuge,

491
00:18:31,588 --> 00:18:33,981
but seeing as it's for
Jimmy, count me in.

492
00:18:33,981 --> 00:18:35,548
Alright, when Jimmy walks in,

493
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:37,637
we're gonna be on the couch
smoochin' and canoodlin'.

494
00:18:37,637 --> 00:18:39,073
I'll be rubbin' your muscles...

495
00:18:39,073 --> 00:18:40,858
Don't worry.
It don't mean nothin'.

496
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:41,989
[chuckles]

497
00:18:41,989 --> 00:18:43,295
You might wanna
lose the shirt

498
00:18:43,295 --> 00:18:45,210
and oil yourself up,
big guy.

499
00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:46,777
[gasp]
Cookie!

500
00:18:46,777 --> 00:18:48,387
Get a hold of yourself!

501
00:18:48,387 --> 00:18:50,650
It's been a few days.
My hormones are ragin' here.

502
00:18:51,999 --> 00:18:52,870
I'll behave.

503
00:18:52,870 --> 00:18:54,393
[gasp]

504
00:18:54,393 --> 00:18:54,698
Quick, get on the couch!

505
00:18:56,874 --> 00:18:58,484
Oh no!

506
00:18:58,484 --> 00:19:00,356
My husband has caught us
in a compromising position.

507
00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:02,836
Surely now he will
be so enraged,

508
00:19:02,836 --> 00:19:06,188
he'll beat the crap out
of my lusty paramour -

509
00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:07,276
What? No one said
anything about -

510
00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:09,495
And sweep me off my feet,
carry me upstairs,

511
00:19:09,495 --> 00:19:13,586
and make angry,
righteous love to me!

512
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:14,761
Cook, what are ya doin'?

513
00:19:16,328 --> 00:19:18,025
Or...he could skip
the beating up part

514
00:19:18,025 --> 00:19:20,506
and go straight to the hot,
crazy Baboon lovin'?

515
00:19:20,506 --> 00:19:22,682
Look, it's real sweet of ya to
try and snap me out of this,

516
00:19:22,682 --> 00:19:25,032
but ya don't gotta
debase yourself

517
00:19:25,032 --> 00:19:25,946
with this greasy
Latin hustler -

518
00:19:25,946 --> 00:19:27,165
Jimmy, it's me -

519
00:19:27,165 --> 00:19:30,081
Silencio Muchacho!

520
00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:31,561
This is between
me and my wife...

521
00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:33,911
who I can no
longer pleasure.

522
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:35,521
Snap out of it!

523
00:19:35,521 --> 00:19:36,957
All of this because ya hadda
give up your stupid gun?

524
00:19:36,957 --> 00:19:40,526
The gun was the last thing
I had from the ol' life.

525
00:19:40,526 --> 00:19:42,746
I used to be Jimmy Falcone,
King of New York.

526
00:19:42,746 --> 00:19:46,532
Now I gotta accept
that I'm Jimmy McDougal,

527
00:19:46,532 --> 00:19:47,925
King of the Schnooks.

528
00:19:47,925 --> 00:19:50,406
Jimmy, you're
a lot of things...

529
00:19:50,406 --> 00:19:53,278
a good breadwinner,
a loyal husband,

530
00:19:53,278 --> 00:19:54,323
a totally
half-assed father,

531
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:56,977
but you'll never
be a schnook.

532
00:19:56,977 --> 00:20:01,155
Cook, that's the sweetest
thing you've ever said to me,

533
00:20:01,155 --> 00:20:02,766
and I wish it was true.

534
00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:04,637
Oh for God's sake!
He's killin' me here!

535
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,160
What do I gotta do - [phone rings]

536
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,772
Jimmy McDougal,
former man.

537
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,600
Gina, slow down.

538
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,950
...jump into a lion cage?
Put the kids in danger?

539
00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:15,039
What's that Gina?
You're in danger?

540
00:20:15,039 --> 00:20:16,693
What do I do, McCool?
Tell me!

541
00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:17,955
I gotta get down
to the school!

542
00:20:17,955 --> 00:20:19,739
Ah!

543
00:20:19,739 --> 00:20:21,219
[car drives off]

544
00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:22,655
Where's he goin'?

545
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,570
What the hell
just happened?

546
00:20:24,570 --> 00:20:26,137
I don't know,
but this spray-tan

547
00:20:26,137 --> 00:20:27,704
is giving me a
tremendous rash...

548
00:20:33,753 --> 00:20:34,885
Took ya long enough

549
00:20:34,885 --> 00:20:36,539
to get down here,
ya moron!

550
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,584
Hoh! What's with you?
Why you bein' so mean?

551
00:20:38,584 --> 00:20:41,239
I thought you was
on good-girl pills?

552
00:20:41,239 --> 00:20:42,632
I never took those
stupid pills!

553
00:20:42,632 --> 00:20:44,286
I been fakin'
the whole time!

554
00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:45,939
What? Why?

555
00:20:45,939 --> 00:20:48,377
To get Ma off
my freakin' back!

556
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:49,987
I been dumpin' the pills
in the teacher's candy dish

557
00:20:49,987 --> 00:20:53,164
and Prudence the Safety
Hippo got into them

558
00:20:53,164 --> 00:20:54,470
and went nuts!

559
00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:56,950
Hang on a sec.
I'm not followin'...

560
00:20:56,950 --> 00:20:59,083
What's a Hippo got
to do with safety?

561
00:20:59,083 --> 00:21:01,520
[loud roar][bell rings]

562
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:05,959
[screaming]

563
00:21:05,959 --> 00:21:07,483
That is one angry,
angry Hippo.

564
00:21:08,788 --> 00:21:10,355
Come on, ya son of a bitch.

565
00:21:10,355 --> 00:21:11,443
[loud roar]

566
00:21:12,009 --> 00:21:13,663
[loud bang]

567
00:21:16,361 --> 00:21:18,494
Whoa, I think
ya killed him.

568
00:21:18,494 --> 00:21:20,191
You think?
Let's make sure.

569
00:21:20,191 --> 00:21:27,111
[loud grunting]

570
00:21:28,547 --> 00:21:30,027
Whoa, that felt good!

571
00:21:30,027 --> 00:21:31,202
Alright kid,
I gotta go.

572
00:21:31,202 --> 00:21:32,377
You be good now.

573
00:21:32,377 --> 00:21:33,422
"Good"?

574
00:21:33,422 --> 00:21:35,380
I mean you be you.

575
00:21:35,380 --> 00:21:36,860
Will do.

576
00:21:36,860 --> 00:21:39,166
You know, I kind of feel bad
for the kid in that suit...

577
00:21:40,167 --> 00:21:40,342
Suit?

578
00:21:43,257 --> 00:21:45,347
Jimmy, what happened?

579
00:21:46,870 --> 00:21:47,349
[grunt]

580
00:21:49,612 --> 00:21:51,527
I deserved that, Jimmy.

581
00:21:51,527 --> 00:21:53,398
COOKIE: Oh my God,
you're you again!

582
00:21:53,398 --> 00:21:54,617
Did you get a gun
or somethin'?

583
00:21:54,617 --> 00:21:57,794
Oh, I got one baby,
and it's made of wood!

584
00:21:57,794 --> 00:21:59,709
[laughter]