1
00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:03,046
How'ya doin'?

2
00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:04,786
I'm Jimmy Falcone,
alias McDougal.

3
00:00:04,786 --> 00:00:06,484
Back when I was a Capo,

4
00:00:06,484 --> 00:00:09,574
keepin' the family business
away from my actual family

5
00:00:09,574 --> 00:00:11,402
was a freakin' tap-dance.

6
00:00:11,402 --> 00:00:13,099
Like the time Petey got
himself a girlfriend;

7
00:00:14,405 --> 00:00:16,842
Pepper Mallozi.
Face like a pizza.

8
00:00:16,842 --> 00:00:18,626
But, we're talkin' Petey here,

9
00:00:18,626 --> 00:00:19,540
so he hadda take
what he could get.

10
00:00:19,540 --> 00:00:22,282
Problem was,

11
00:00:22,282 --> 00:00:25,503
her old man was one of
my business associates.

12
00:00:25,503 --> 00:00:27,157
Listen, kid,

13
00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:28,854
I got a feelin' Pepperoniface
is gonna break up with ya.

14
00:00:28,854 --> 00:00:30,508
Impossible!

15
00:00:30,508 --> 00:00:32,640
Pepper said I was
the only boy for her!

16
00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:35,382
Yeah, the only boy willin' to
kiss a meat-lover's special.

17
00:00:35,382 --> 00:00:37,993
But it ain't that...
It's her old man.

18
00:00:39,299 --> 00:00:41,388
Are you saying her father
doesn't approve of me?

19
00:00:41,388 --> 00:00:43,129
It's actually me
he ain't big on.

20
00:00:43,129 --> 00:00:46,263
We had a little...
disagreement.

21
00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:46,785
Then how do you know
I'm getting dumped?

22
00:00:46,785 --> 00:00:48,091
Call it a hunch.

23
00:00:52,617 --> 00:00:55,315
Her dad was in the trunk,
wasn't he?

24
00:00:56,925 --> 00:00:58,623
Now that we live in Canada,

25
00:00:58,623 --> 00:01:00,538
I don't worry about
that stuff no more.

26
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:02,627
But at the time,
it was very stressful.

27
00:01:02,627 --> 00:01:04,585
Oh, boo-hoo!

28
00:01:04,585 --> 00:01:07,501
Pepper was my first love,
and you took her away from me!

29
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:10,417
I still love you, Pepp -

30
00:01:10,417 --> 00:01:12,027
ALL:
[Laughing]

31
00:01:12,027 --> 00:01:13,855
Ya know what?
Fugget about it!

32
00:01:14,856 --> 00:01:16,467
♪ Let me tell you something

33
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:17,642
♪ 'bout a friend of ours
named Jimmy. ♪

34
00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:20,384
♪ Made the Wiseguy and
the Capo with Gambini. ♪

35
00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:21,994
♪ When he found out

36
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:22,864
♪ they'd be whacking
Uncle Cheech, ♪

37
00:01:22,864 --> 00:01:24,562
♪ he take the boss,

38
00:01:24,562 --> 00:01:27,130
♪ he threw him from
the 19th floor suite. ♪

39
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:30,045
♪ Wasn't much longer
'til the mob want him dead. ♪

40
00:01:30,045 --> 00:01:33,092
♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to
talk to all the Feds. ♪

41
00:01:33,092 --> 00:01:35,964
♪ The Feds say they have to
take and use him as a pawn, ♪

42
00:01:35,964 --> 00:01:38,532
♪ so he ratted out his friends
and moved to Saskatchewan. ♪

43
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,143
♪ Fugget about it!

44
00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:41,753
♪ Fugget about it!

45
00:01:41,753 --> 00:01:44,147
♪ Fugget about it!
Oh, fugget about it! ♪

46
00:01:48,063 --> 00:01:49,804
What a movie!

47
00:01:49,804 --> 00:01:51,241
Those were some very realistic
decapitations, trust me.

48
00:01:53,286 --> 00:01:55,114
It had an uplifting message:

49
00:01:55,114 --> 00:01:56,855
"Don't bang your girlfriend
in the creepy graveyard".

50
00:01:58,117 --> 00:02:00,119
[Maniacal laugh]
Alright, gimme your wallets!

51
00:02:00,119 --> 00:02:00,902
A Canadian mugger.

52
00:02:00,902 --> 00:02:03,296
That's adorable.

53
00:02:03,296 --> 00:02:05,037
Better do what he says!

54
00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:06,430
Yeah, I don't think so, kid...

55
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:07,387
Run!
[Whistle blowing]

56
00:02:09,215 --> 00:02:10,912
Jesus!
My son owns a rape whistle?

57
00:02:10,912 --> 00:02:13,524
Hey! Are you running away?

58
00:02:13,524 --> 00:02:14,742
Ya chicken!

59
00:02:14,742 --> 00:02:17,702
Crap, I can't see nothin'
through this sock -

60
00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:19,399
That's better.

61
00:02:19,399 --> 00:02:20,966
This guy!

62
00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:21,967
It's like the
Special Olympics of crime.

63
00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:25,710
Don't make me shoot you,
old man!

64
00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:29,279
[Mugger wets himself]

65
00:02:29,279 --> 00:02:31,672
Change of plans, pinhead.
Hand over YOUR wallet.

66
00:02:31,672 --> 00:02:33,108
Here, take it -
and take my bus pass!

67
00:02:33,108 --> 00:02:35,502
It's still good
for six days!

68
00:02:35,502 --> 00:02:36,721
Ooh, velcro!

69
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:39,593
Looks like we got us
a real high roller.

70
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:40,899
What a schnook!

71
00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:42,596
Fake gun,

72
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,468
sock on his head,
piss pants...

73
00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:46,470
Where's the professionalism?

74
00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:49,429
It's punks like this who
give crime a bad name.

75
00:02:49,429 --> 00:02:51,692
Y'know Jimmy,
I've been a mugger,

76
00:02:51,692 --> 00:02:53,651
but I've never actually
been muggered myself.

77
00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:55,653
It's nice to know
how the other half lives.

78
00:02:59,265 --> 00:03:02,399
That looks fun.Quit snoopin', Ma.

79
00:03:02,399 --> 00:03:03,748
Peekin' over your shoulder
to see what you're doin'

80
00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:05,402
is not snoopin'.

81
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:06,446
Theresa Maria Falcone!

82
00:03:06,446 --> 00:03:08,753
Is that a picture
of you drinkin' a beer?

83
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:11,146
No!
It's, um, an app!

84
00:03:11,146 --> 00:03:12,496
It's an app to make it
look like I'm drinking a beer.

85
00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:14,193
[Gasp]

86
00:03:14,193 --> 00:03:17,414
And that's an app
to make it look like

87
00:03:17,414 --> 00:03:20,155
I'm frenching another girl
while frat boys cheer us on.

88
00:03:20,155 --> 00:03:22,593
Theresa, why would you
do something like that?

89
00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:23,594
You know how it is...

90
00:03:23,594 --> 00:03:26,379
After five beers
you're on auto-pilot.

91
00:03:26,379 --> 00:03:27,772
And flashing a
policeman?

92
00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:29,774
That's auto-pilot, too?

93
00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:31,515
No...
that was tequilla.

94
00:03:33,865 --> 00:03:35,997
He was about five-five,
dark clothes,

95
00:03:35,997 --> 00:03:37,608
wool sock on his head,

96
00:03:37,608 --> 00:03:39,914
possibly from a right foot.

97
00:03:39,914 --> 00:03:41,264
Something... like this?

98
00:03:42,482 --> 00:03:46,269
Relax, McCool.
We took care of the mugger.

99
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:49,010
You...
'took care' of him?

100
00:03:49,010 --> 00:03:49,881
Well then,
James Danger McDougal,

101
00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:52,666
in the name of the crown,

102
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:55,756
I have no choice but to place
you under arrest for murder!

103
00:03:55,756 --> 00:03:57,802
Not today, Copper!
C'mon Jimmy!

104
00:03:59,847 --> 00:04:01,414
CHEECH:
Ow!

105
00:04:01,414 --> 00:04:03,460
I didn't mean that kinda
'take care of'!

106
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:04,199
What's wrong with you?

107
00:04:04,199 --> 00:04:06,898
I meant we stopped the mugger.

108
00:04:06,898 --> 00:04:08,595
Oh, thank God.

109
00:04:08,595 --> 00:04:11,076
Ahhh!
Don't hurt me sock head man!

110
00:04:11,076 --> 00:04:12,773
ALL:
[Laughing]

111
00:04:12,773 --> 00:04:14,558
It's funny 'cause
he's traumatized.

112
00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:16,516
Great Gowan's ghost!

113
00:04:16,516 --> 00:04:18,039
Petey, you're clearly in
shock from your encounter

114
00:04:18,039 --> 00:04:20,433
with the criminal element.

115
00:04:20,433 --> 00:04:22,087
Which is odd,

116
00:04:22,087 --> 00:04:23,523
considering you're
descended from gangsters.

117
00:04:23,523 --> 00:04:25,177
Nonetheless,
in my estimation,

118
00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:28,049
the best way to confront
your fear is head-on.

119
00:04:28,049 --> 00:04:31,139
I invite you to come with me
on a police ride-along!

120
00:04:32,358 --> 00:04:34,273
Won't it be dangerous?

121
00:04:34,273 --> 00:04:36,014
This is Saskatchewan!

122
00:04:36,014 --> 00:04:37,711
It'll be safer
than picking daisies.

123
00:04:40,018 --> 00:04:41,541
Petey,
get away from there!

124
00:04:41,541 --> 00:04:44,022
It could explode
at any second!

125
00:04:44,022 --> 00:04:46,851
Whoever was behind the wheel
likely pried the plates off

126
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:48,635
before they fled the scene.

127
00:04:48,635 --> 00:04:49,549
Good eye, Petey!

128
00:04:49,549 --> 00:04:52,117
I also found this
under the seat.

129
00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:53,771
Amphetamines!

130
00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:56,556
The driver was a willfully
negligent speed freak.

131
00:04:56,556 --> 00:04:57,470
I'll do a rundown
of the serial numbers

132
00:04:57,470 --> 00:05:00,212
and see if we can trace
this hop-head!

133
00:05:00,212 --> 00:05:01,213
Or you could
just arrest that guy.

134
00:05:03,476 --> 00:05:05,086
It's not my fault!

135
00:05:05,086 --> 00:05:07,393
These long hauls
are killin' me!

136
00:05:07,393 --> 00:05:09,569
I didn't mean to run over
all those schoolchildren!

137
00:05:09,569 --> 00:05:10,701
Schoolchildren?

138
00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:13,094
Never mind!

139
00:05:15,793 --> 00:05:16,794
Cover your ears, Petey!

140
00:05:16,794 --> 00:05:19,840
I'm about to do something
most un-Canadian.

141
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:21,451
Wait!

142
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:23,235
We don't need to
use unnecessary violence.

143
00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:25,106
Observe.

144
00:05:25,106 --> 00:05:26,456
[Squirrel shrieks]

145
00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,898
Spectacular!

146
00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:36,335
Physics -
It's nature's policeman!

147
00:05:36,335 --> 00:05:37,728
Come along little Trooper!

148
00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:39,643
For Canada -

149
00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:42,385
where no one turns a blind eye
to police brutality!

150
00:05:45,039 --> 00:05:46,389
[Screams while beaten]

151
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:52,960
Hey McCool,
ya lost weight!

152
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,136
Ho! What's wrong with your face?

153
00:05:55,136 --> 00:05:56,877
Guess who's gonna be
a junior cop?

154
00:05:56,877 --> 00:05:58,879
Whaddaya mean "junior cop"?

155
00:05:58,879 --> 00:06:00,838
I signed up with
The Provincial Internship Group

156
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,666
of Law Enforcement Trainees!

157
00:06:04,015 --> 00:06:06,191
My only male heir is gonna be
a freakin' piglet?

158
00:06:07,192 --> 00:06:07,932
Hey, just like Cousin Carlo!

159
00:06:07,932 --> 00:06:09,629
Good ol' cousin Carlo...

160
00:06:09,629 --> 00:06:11,326
The crookedest cop
in all the five boroughs.

161
00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:15,853
Thief! Officers!
Stop that -

162
00:06:15,853 --> 00:06:17,507
[Officer whistling]

163
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,639
I just need a parent to
sign this permission form.

164
00:06:19,639 --> 00:06:21,162
No son of mine's joining
the bacon brigade!

165
00:06:21,162 --> 00:06:23,817
McCool said you might
feel that way...

166
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,340
McCool?

167
00:06:25,340 --> 00:06:27,908
It's bad enough he's got me
on the straight and narrow,

168
00:06:27,908 --> 00:06:29,344
now he's brainwashin' my boy!

169
00:06:29,344 --> 00:06:32,347
You got all the
mentor ya need right here!

170
00:06:32,347 --> 00:06:34,306
What am I supposed to
learn from you?

171
00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:35,960
Plenty!

172
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,831
Robbery, extortion,
pandering.

173
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,877
I'm like a college
of wiseguy knowledge!

174
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:42,009
Oh, for God's sake...
Here ya go, sweetie.

175
00:06:42,009 --> 00:06:43,707
Thanks, mom!

176
00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:44,925
You're lettin' him
join the pork patrol?

177
00:06:44,925 --> 00:06:47,493
What kinda parent are you?

178
00:06:47,493 --> 00:06:50,104
He's just bein' a
rebellious teenager.

179
00:06:50,104 --> 00:06:53,586
At least he's not gettin'
drunk, like his wino sister.

180
00:06:53,586 --> 00:06:54,457
Hey!Shut up,
rummy.

181
00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:56,720
Well I ain't living
with no 5-0.

182
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,461
Don't worry -

183
00:06:58,461 --> 00:06:59,287
I'll make it
look like an accident.

184
00:06:59,287 --> 00:07:01,072
Gina,
no garrotting your brother.

185
00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:03,770
When did you stop
bein' fun?

186
00:07:06,381 --> 00:07:07,948
I can't believe Petey's
turnin' his back

187
00:07:07,948 --> 00:07:10,298
on our way of life!

188
00:07:10,298 --> 00:07:11,909
He's givin' up pasta?

189
00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:15,303
No, he's rejectin'
my whole family heritage.

190
00:07:15,303 --> 00:07:17,044
I rejected mine, too.

191
00:07:17,044 --> 00:07:18,132
When I gutted my
father like a goat.

192
00:07:18,132 --> 00:07:21,135
Yeah,
but Gramps had it comin'.

193
00:07:21,135 --> 00:07:22,920
I guess the wisdom of our
ancestors is gonna die with me.

194
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,400
Don't worry, Jimmy.

195
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,054
If you die,

196
00:07:27,054 --> 00:07:29,056
I'll eat enough pasta
for both of us.

197
00:07:29,056 --> 00:07:31,015
[Knocking on window]
Out of the car!

198
00:07:32,016 --> 00:07:34,845
Oh no,
not you guys again!

199
00:07:34,845 --> 00:07:36,586
I'll give ya a head start, punk.

200
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:38,239
[Tires screeching]

201
00:07:42,417 --> 00:07:45,246
Please, don't hurt me!
I'm new at this.

202
00:07:45,246 --> 00:07:47,727
Ah, who'm I kiddin'?
I'm pathetic.

203
00:07:47,727 --> 00:07:50,338
[Wets his pants]
I can't mug anyone.

204
00:07:50,338 --> 00:07:52,558
I totally blew carjacking.

205
00:07:52,558 --> 00:07:55,300
I'll never figure out
how to be a criminal.

206
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:56,823
I'll never figure out
how to be a criminal...

207
00:07:56,823 --> 00:07:58,564
PETEY: Guess who's going
to be a junior cop...

208
00:07:58,564 --> 00:08:00,784
Criminal... Cop...
Criminal... Cop...

209
00:08:00,784 --> 00:08:02,699
Criminal...

210
00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:05,615
[Austrian accent]
Come with me if
you want to learn.

211
00:08:06,354 --> 00:08:09,053
Are you a Terminator?

212
00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:11,925
No kid,
I'm a Learn-inator.

213
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,579
Enough with
the [bleep]in' rhymes, Jimmy!

214
00:08:13,579 --> 00:08:14,972
Who do you think you are,
Mother Goose?

215
00:08:18,671 --> 00:08:19,759
Alright Bennie,
this'll be your room.

216
00:08:19,759 --> 00:08:21,239
Wow!

217
00:08:21,239 --> 00:08:22,936
No one's ever been
this nice to me.

218
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,285
Thanks, Mr. Jimmy!

219
00:08:26,287 --> 00:08:27,941
This is nice, Jimmy.

220
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,900
You're really givin'
back to the community.

221
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,510
If Petey don't want
my pearls of gangsterly wisdom,

222
00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:34,469
then I'll pass them on to
Bennie over there.

223
00:08:34,469 --> 00:08:37,342
Jimmy, I don't often throw
around words like "hero."

224
00:08:37,342 --> 00:08:39,213
So I won't.

225
00:08:39,213 --> 00:08:41,825
I'm just a simple man tryin'
to make the world a worse place,

226
00:08:41,825 --> 00:08:43,261
one kid at a time.

227
00:08:44,479 --> 00:08:56,491
[♪♪]

228
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,103
[Laughing]

229
00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:35,139
[♪♪]

230
00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:41,972
Hail Mary,
full of grace...

231
00:09:41,972 --> 00:09:43,930
Help me with my daughter's
booze problem.

232
00:09:43,930 --> 00:09:47,107
That's good.
Booze problem?

233
00:09:47,107 --> 00:09:48,674
Try raisin' a teenager
with the power

234
00:09:48,674 --> 00:09:50,023
to turn water into wine.

235
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,243
Oh! Mamma mia!

236
00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:53,723
Our bathtub was permanently
stained purple!

237
00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:56,551
Jesus was a lush?

238
00:09:56,551 --> 00:09:58,379
It got so bad,
we had to put him in AAA.

239
00:09:58,379 --> 00:10:02,079
Ancient Alcoholics
Anonymous. Didn't work.

240
00:10:02,079 --> 00:10:04,168
The little punk refused
to acknowledge a higher power.

241
00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:07,345
"No way, Ma!
I am the higher power!"

242
00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:09,303
GAH!
The ego on this kid!

243
00:10:09,303 --> 00:10:10,914
So what did you do?

244
00:10:10,914 --> 00:10:12,916
I took him down
to the Dead Sea and said,

245
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:16,093
"You turn that into wine
and drink every drop."

246
00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:18,573
He chugged it like a champ.

247
00:10:18,573 --> 00:10:21,402
Then he punched
a Centurion, trashed a temple,

248
00:10:21,402 --> 00:10:22,969
and ran off with a
whore from Babylon.

249
00:10:22,969 --> 00:10:26,016
But he never got drunk again.

250
00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:28,540
Wow! The things they
left out of the Bible...

251
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:30,368
No kiddin'!
Like his brother Rusty.

252
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:32,109
What?

253
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:33,110
And... I've said too much.

254
00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:39,856
Sorry Petey,
I know paperwork is dull,

255
00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:42,032
but it's a big part
of law enforcement.

256
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:43,686
Oh, I love paperwork!

257
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,644
In fact,
I just solved some cold cases.

258
00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:47,951
Which ones?All of them.

259
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:50,344
Sweet DaVinci's Inquest!

260
00:10:50,344 --> 00:10:53,304
You solved 27 years
of cold cases?

261
00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:56,263
I can see how they'd baffle
a less intelligent cop,

262
00:10:56,263 --> 00:11:01,312
but it's all in a day's work
for Junior Officer...

263
00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:04,054
Peteyyyyy McDougallll!

264
00:11:09,146 --> 00:11:10,713
He's not with me.

265
00:11:13,977 --> 00:11:16,022
Theresa, we need to talk.

266
00:11:16,022 --> 00:11:19,765
Whoa - That is
not mine!It is now.

267
00:11:19,765 --> 00:11:21,767
You are going to sit here
and drink this,

268
00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:22,812
until you learn
the terrible things

269
00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:24,814
alcohol does to a person.

270
00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:27,817
Works for me.
Cheers!

271
00:11:27,817 --> 00:11:28,731
That's it.
Drink it up, alky.

272
00:11:28,731 --> 00:11:31,124
After I'm through with you,

273
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,561
you'll never want to
look at liquor again!

274
00:11:33,561 --> 00:11:37,522
Mmm. Is this Chianti?
It's nice.

275
00:11:37,522 --> 00:11:42,266
[Loud sipping and slurping]
[Mother drums fingers on table]

276
00:11:42,266 --> 00:11:43,223
You want some?

277
00:11:43,223 --> 00:11:45,486
Well, since it's
already open...

278
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:49,839
[Drunk voice]
Did I ever tell ya
how Gina happened?

279
00:11:49,839 --> 00:11:53,190
Your father got home from
stabbin' Federico the Fink,

280
00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:54,887
and lemme tell ya,

281
00:11:54,887 --> 00:11:57,542
he wasn't through
pokin' stuff...

282
00:11:57,542 --> 00:11:59,283
Make it stop!
Make it stop!

283
00:12:02,416 --> 00:12:04,549
If you're gonna
hide out in Mexico,

284
00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:06,899
stay away from the señoritas.

285
00:12:06,899 --> 00:12:08,422
Before ya know it
you'll have eight kids

286
00:12:08,422 --> 00:12:10,773
and a job cuttin'
lawns in El Paso.

287
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:12,862
[Mule braying]

288
00:12:12,862 --> 00:12:15,168
What the hell is this now?

289
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:17,040
It's my mule!

290
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,956
McCool lent him to me
for being a Junior Supercop.

291
00:12:19,956 --> 00:12:21,914
Congratulations!
An ass for an ass.

292
00:12:21,914 --> 00:12:24,874
Haw!
Good one, Mr. Jimmy!

293
00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:26,701
Uh... who are you?

294
00:12:26,701 --> 00:12:29,617
Well, since you're
so busy being Supercop,

295
00:12:29,617 --> 00:12:32,533
I decided to mentor this
wayward kid.

296
00:12:32,533 --> 00:12:33,926
I gotta take a dump.

297
00:12:33,926 --> 00:12:35,972
That Mr. Jimmy's
such a great guy!

298
00:12:35,972 --> 00:12:37,582
You're lucky he's your dad.

299
00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:40,150
Listen...
Bernie, is it?

300
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:42,369
You probably think you're
special to my Dad,

301
00:12:42,369 --> 00:12:44,067
but he's using you.

302
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:45,329
Just like he used Cheech's
Mexican step-kids

303
00:12:45,329 --> 00:12:48,288
to work his lawn care
racket in El Paso.

304
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:50,160
Papa Cheech,

305
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,902
please don't go
back to New York!

306
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:55,426
Get back to work!

307
00:12:55,426 --> 00:12:57,384
So Mr. Jimmy's just using me?

308
00:12:58,385 --> 00:13:00,126
Why?

309
00:13:00,126 --> 00:13:02,215
To get back at me.

310
00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:03,869
And once he's done,

311
00:13:03,869 --> 00:13:05,915
he'll drop you right
back in the gutter.

312
00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:07,655
Tell him not to bother.

313
00:13:07,655 --> 00:13:09,570
I can drop myself
in the gutter!

314
00:13:09,570 --> 00:13:11,746
[Crying]

315
00:13:12,747 --> 00:13:15,054
Mom,
you should not be driving!

316
00:13:15,054 --> 00:13:16,708
Shut up,

317
00:13:16,708 --> 00:13:18,710
I'm goin' to
the store for wine...

318
00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:20,930
and breath mints,
in case I get pulled over.

319
00:13:21,974 --> 00:13:24,107
Ma'am,
have you been drinking?

320
00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:25,804
I'm fine.

321
00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:27,197
Step out of the vehicle,
ma'am.

322
00:13:27,197 --> 00:13:28,851
I'm fine.

323
00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:31,114
[Car speeding and crashing]

324
00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:32,811
I'm fine.

325
00:13:32,811 --> 00:13:34,769
Ma'am, you're under arrest
for drunk driving.

326
00:13:34,769 --> 00:13:35,770
What the hell are you doin'?

327
00:13:35,770 --> 00:13:38,425
Sir, I have the
situation under control.

328
00:13:38,425 --> 00:13:40,036
I need you to step back.

329
00:13:40,036 --> 00:13:41,776
I'm gonna step into your ass

330
00:13:41,776 --> 00:13:43,648
if you don't take
off those bracelets!

331
00:13:43,648 --> 00:13:47,217
Ahh!

332
00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:47,913
It burns!

333
00:13:47,913 --> 00:13:49,219
You were warned, sir.

334
00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:55,094
Petey!
You should be ashamed!

335
00:13:55,094 --> 00:13:57,923
Bustin' your own
mother and father?

336
00:13:57,923 --> 00:13:59,185
I was just following procedure.

337
00:13:59,185 --> 00:14:01,840
You threatened an
officer of the law.

338
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,624
Do the crime,
do the time, Pop.

339
00:14:05,452 --> 00:14:07,106
What are you doing?

340
00:14:07,106 --> 00:14:08,847
Somethin' I shoulda done
a long time ago!

341
00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:11,719
Ahh!

342
00:14:11,719 --> 00:14:14,026
Son of a -

343
00:14:14,026 --> 00:14:16,594
Petey!
This is madness.

344
00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:17,638
Following the letter of
the Law is one thing,

345
00:14:17,638 --> 00:14:21,207
but pepper-spraying
your own father -Twice!

346
00:14:21,207 --> 00:14:23,209
is conduct
unbecoming a PIGLET.

347
00:14:23,209 --> 00:14:26,517
You are so done
playing CSI Regina!

348
00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:30,042
No I'm not!
Mom signed the permission form.

349
00:14:30,042 --> 00:14:33,437
I can be a piglet
as long as I want.

350
00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:35,743
Permission revoked.

351
00:14:35,743 --> 00:14:37,310
C'mon Jimmy,
Mama wants a cheeseburger.

352
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,966
Sorry, Petey.

353
00:14:40,966 --> 00:14:42,794
I'll need your hat,
uniform, and badge.

354
00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:45,318
And your mule.

355
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:46,624
[Mule braying]

356
00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:49,366
[Crying]

357
00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:51,759
[Sounds of massive party]

358
00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:58,984
What the hell?

359
00:14:58,984 --> 00:15:02,727
Is it just me,
or is the house roomier?

360
00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:05,686
Holy crap!
Bennie friggin' robbed us!

361
00:15:05,686 --> 00:15:08,298
The kid learned good!

362
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:09,429
He even took the vent covers.

363
00:15:09,429 --> 00:15:12,084
I am so proud
of that thievin', lyin',

364
00:15:12,084 --> 00:15:14,826
low-down dirty bastard.

365
00:15:15,609 --> 00:15:17,176
Too bad I gotta kill him.

366
00:15:20,875 --> 00:15:22,442
Bennie stole my laptop!

367
00:15:22,442 --> 00:15:24,401
Bennie stole all my shoes!

368
00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:26,229
Bennie stole my Dora DVDs!

369
00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:26,881
What?

370
00:15:26,881 --> 00:15:29,275
I gotta hablo Espanol

371
00:15:29,275 --> 00:15:30,189
for when I deal
with the cartels.

372
00:15:30,189 --> 00:15:33,105
Bennie didn't take
none of my stuff.

373
00:15:33,105 --> 00:15:35,716
My eight-tracks and thigh master
are right where I left 'em.

374
00:15:35,716 --> 00:15:37,675
Too bad you got me
kicked off the force,

375
00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:39,546
or I'd totally catch him
and get our stuff back.

376
00:15:39,546 --> 00:15:42,680
Don't even talk to me,
Pepper-spray Patty.

377
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,595
Fine!

378
00:15:44,595 --> 00:15:46,553
Enjoy sitting on your invisible
couch watching invisible TV!

379
00:15:47,815 --> 00:15:49,382
What's he talkin' about?

380
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:50,731
I don't see no
invisible couch.

381
00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:58,696
What happened last night?

382
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,263
Did I do this?

383
00:16:00,263 --> 00:16:01,220
No. But ya did do this...

384
00:16:05,050 --> 00:16:06,095
Quit judgin' me!

385
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:08,184
Jesus, Mary,
and Joseph!

386
00:16:08,184 --> 00:16:11,013
What kinda role model am I?

387
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:13,493
I dunno, Ma.
You tell me.

388
00:16:13,493 --> 00:16:15,191
[Drunken giggling]

389
00:16:19,151 --> 00:16:21,197
I can't believe
Bennie stole from me -

390
00:16:21,197 --> 00:16:22,372
After I treated him
like my own son!

391
00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:25,114
You treat your
own son like crap.

392
00:16:25,114 --> 00:16:26,767
Well there ya go!

393
00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:28,726
I treated him better
than my own son.

394
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:30,293
We don't need Petey
to find this clown.

395
00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:31,120
We'll do it our way.

396
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,688
Where's Bennie?Who?

397
00:16:34,688 --> 00:16:37,474
Where's Bennie?What's a Bennie?

398
00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:39,302
Where's Bennie?

399
00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:39,911
Aw, [bleep].
Sorry, sister.

400
00:16:39,911 --> 00:16:41,260
Such language!

401
00:16:43,306 --> 00:16:44,263
[Gruesome beating]

402
00:16:46,265 --> 00:16:47,962
You know, Jimmy.

403
00:16:47,962 --> 00:16:48,920
As nuns go,
she was actually pretty gentle.

404
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,269
[Spits out teeth]

405
00:16:54,099 --> 00:16:55,709
Hey Petey,

406
00:16:55,709 --> 00:16:57,668
I decided to forgive ya
for pepper-sprayin' me.

407
00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:59,235
Can't find Bennie, huh?

408
00:16:59,235 --> 00:17:01,019
I'm outta leads on this one.

409
00:17:01,019 --> 00:17:03,326
I can't help you.
I'm not a Junior cop anymore.

410
00:17:03,326 --> 00:17:05,023
From what I heard,

411
00:17:05,023 --> 00:17:05,937
you were the best Junior
cop this town's ever seen.

412
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:08,374
Where'd you hear that?

413
00:17:08,374 --> 00:17:09,984
Down at the station...

414
00:17:09,984 --> 00:17:12,030
when I was signin' you
back up for PIGLET.

415
00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:14,032
Really?
That's awesome!

416
00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:15,642
Wait a minute...

417
00:17:15,642 --> 00:17:17,862
You're not just using me
to get back at Bennie are you?

418
00:17:17,862 --> 00:17:19,516
Maybe a little...

419
00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:20,691
Well good,

420
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:23,781
because I want to bust
that son of a bitch!

421
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:26,088
But if we're gonna do this,
we do it my way -

422
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:27,785
By the book.

423
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:28,786
You got it.
This is gonna be great!

424
00:17:28,786 --> 00:17:31,310
Just you and me.

425
00:17:31,310 --> 00:17:33,921
It'll be like
an 80s buddy-cop movie!

426
00:17:33,921 --> 00:17:37,316
PETEY: He's a hotshot
mini-cop with a mega-mind...

427
00:17:37,316 --> 00:17:39,231
JIMMY: He's a retired wiseguy

428
00:17:39,231 --> 00:17:41,973
who just wants
his couch back...

429
00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:44,497
Chief!
I ain't this kid's babysitter!

430
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:47,283
No...
You're his new partner.

431
00:17:51,330 --> 00:17:52,984
I'm too old
for this ship!

432
00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:55,117
You!
Do it more by the book!

433
00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:57,206
You!
Do it less by the book!

434
00:17:58,468 --> 00:18:01,471
[♪♪]

435
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:03,690
JIMMY:
Jimmy Falcone. Petey Falcone.

436
00:18:03,690 --> 00:18:06,084
In...

437
00:18:06,084 --> 00:18:07,738
Jimmy's Way.

438
00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:08,956
PETEY:
Petey's Law.

439
00:18:08,956 --> 00:18:10,219
JIMMY:
Jimmy's Way!

440
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:11,829
PETEY:
Petey's Law!

441
00:18:11,829 --> 00:18:13,483
[Gun cocking]

442
00:18:13,483 --> 00:18:15,180
Fine... Jimmy's Way.

443
00:18:16,181 --> 00:18:18,618
Alright,
we agree on a title.

444
00:18:18,618 --> 00:18:20,968
Now let's quit wasting time
and catch this guy!

445
00:18:23,971 --> 00:18:25,625
Oh, God...

446
00:18:25,625 --> 00:18:27,323
This goddamn headache.

447
00:18:28,976 --> 00:18:30,587
Come to rub it in, huh?
Well, go on -

448
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:31,631
Tell your mother
what an ass she made of herself.

449
00:18:31,631 --> 00:18:33,285
Actually...

450
00:18:33,285 --> 00:18:35,157
seeing you wasted
was a real eye-opener.

451
00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:37,594
I can see how
drinking too much

452
00:18:37,594 --> 00:18:39,857
can turn someone into
a total loser.

453
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:42,425
A total loser?

454
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:44,166
Really?
You mean it?

455
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:46,255
Mom, I swear.
No booze until I'm 19.

456
00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:49,997
21!We're in Canada.
It's 19 here.

457
00:18:49,997 --> 00:18:50,824
18, if I go to Manitoba.

458
00:18:50,824 --> 00:18:53,479
In Quebec
it's like 12.

459
00:18:53,479 --> 00:18:54,480
You go have fun -

460
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:55,960
But if a frat boy
gives you a drink,

461
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,658
make him take the first sip.

462
00:18:58,658 --> 00:19:01,183
Thanks, Mom.

463
00:19:01,183 --> 00:19:03,489
12? Man, them French
know how to live.

464
00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:09,191
I can't believe you tracked
Bennie down so fast.

465
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:10,061
How'd you do it? Forensics?

466
00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:13,717
Informants?
Ya hire a psychic?

467
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:16,328
No, I found him selling
our stuff on Craigslist.

468
00:19:16,328 --> 00:19:18,156
Way to go, Columbo!

469
00:19:18,156 --> 00:19:20,898
And my outfit's essential
to the plan, right?

470
00:19:20,898 --> 00:19:23,161
'Cos if not,
you're grounded.

471
00:19:23,161 --> 00:19:25,337
You must be Ingmar
and Brunhilda.

472
00:19:25,337 --> 00:19:28,384
Brunhidla?
Yeah, you're grounded.

473
00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:29,254
Which one of you is Ingmar?

474
00:19:29,254 --> 00:19:31,125
[Goofy accent]
Yah, yah dat's me!

475
00:19:31,125 --> 00:19:33,127
My wife and I
are looking to buy

476
00:19:33,127 --> 00:19:36,043
an entire house full
of stuff.

477
00:19:36,043 --> 00:19:38,132
I got a house
full of stuff to sell!

478
00:19:38,132 --> 00:19:39,743
A lot of this stuff
is tacky crap,

479
00:19:39,743 --> 00:19:40,134
so I'll give it to ya cheap.

480
00:19:42,006 --> 00:19:45,009
You agreed!
'By the book!'

481
00:19:45,009 --> 00:19:46,706
Oh right, sorry son.

482
00:19:46,706 --> 00:19:48,099
Mr. Jimmy!

483
00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:52,234
♪ [Wistful tune]

484
00:19:54,192 --> 00:19:56,238
Ow!
That hurt!

485
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:56,847
Hey, I taught him that move!

486
00:19:56,847 --> 00:19:59,328
Pop, he's getting away!

487
00:19:59,328 --> 00:20:00,285
Don't worry,
I got this.

488
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:07,771
Oh!
Petey, you're brilliant!

489
00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:09,468
It's just like that game
with the mousetrap.

490
00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:12,906
What's it called?

491
00:20:15,866 --> 00:20:17,650
"Mousetrap!"

492
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,783
Petey, no!
Do it by the book!

493
00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:22,786
Screw the book.
This time it's personal.

494
00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:24,440
Wasn't it always personal?

495
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,225
PETEY:
Come on... Take the shot!

496
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:31,011
I can't do it!

497
00:20:31,011 --> 00:20:34,014
[Angry scream]

498
00:20:35,015 --> 00:20:36,626
Good for you, kid.

499
00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:39,368
He's a dumbass punk,
but he don't deserve to die.

500
00:20:39,368 --> 00:20:41,152
You did the right thing.

501
00:20:43,415 --> 00:20:45,199
He could walk away
from that.

502
00:20:46,418 --> 00:20:48,768
Maybe not.

503
00:20:48,768 --> 00:20:50,379
[Death rattle]

504
00:20:50,379 --> 00:20:51,771
Pop,
stay with me...

505
00:20:51,771 --> 00:20:53,382
Pop? Pop?

506
00:20:53,382 --> 00:20:55,035
We're not that different.

507
00:20:55,035 --> 00:20:58,169
Sure, I'll never be a crook,
but I'm still your son...

508
00:20:58,517 --> 00:21:00,693
Pop?

509
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:02,565
Pop?

510
00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:04,958
[Extended bellow]
Pop!

511
00:21:07,961 --> 00:21:09,311
[Church bell rings]

512
00:21:14,533 --> 00:21:15,926
Boo!

513
00:21:15,926 --> 00:21:18,755
Knock it off Cheech,
it ain't funny anymore!

514
00:21:18,755 --> 00:21:21,975
Alright,
doc says I can go.

515
00:21:21,975 --> 00:21:25,283
That was some...
interesting police work, Jimmy.

516
00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:26,980
It was all Petey!

517
00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:28,373
And he would have
brought Bennie in

518
00:21:28,373 --> 00:21:30,767
if that plane hadn't somehow
got to him first.

519
00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:33,683
So McCool, you gonna
give him his mule back?

520
00:21:33,683 --> 00:21:36,033
Yes... about that...

521
00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:37,730
Unfortunately,

522
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:39,689
Petey won't be
reinstated as a PIGLET.

523
00:21:39,689 --> 00:21:41,299
What?He was so good,

524
00:21:41,299 --> 00:21:42,735
he was making
the other cops look bad...

525
00:21:42,735 --> 00:21:45,085
and that's my job!

526
00:21:45,085 --> 00:21:46,696
[Chuckling]

527
00:21:46,696 --> 00:21:47,697
No one laughed at work,
either...

528
00:21:47,697 --> 00:21:49,307
That's okay,

529
00:21:49,307 --> 00:21:52,092
I think
I've had enough of police work.

530
00:21:52,092 --> 00:21:53,833
And let's face it -
cops don't earn [bleep].

531
00:21:53,833 --> 00:21:55,226
ALL:
[Laughing]

532
00:21:55,748 --> 00:21:58,229
[♪♪]

533
00:22:00,231 --> 00:22:26,170
[♪♪]