How'ya doin'?
I'm Jimmy Falcone, alias McDougal.
Back when I was a Capo,
keepin' the family business away from my actual family
was a freakin' tap-dance.
Like the time Petey got himself a girlfriend;
Pepper Mallozi. Face like a pizza.
But, we're talkin' Petey here,
so he hadda take what he could get.
Problem was,
her old man was one of my business associates.
Listen, kid,
I got a feelin' Pepperoniface is gonna break up with ya.
Impossible!
Pepper said I was the only boy for her!
Yeah, the only boy willin' to kiss a meat-lover's special.
But it ain't that... It's her old man.
Are you saying her father doesn't approve of me?
It's actually me he ain't big on.
We had a little... disagreement.
Then how do you know I'm getting dumped?
Call it a hunch.
Her dad was in the trunk, wasn't he?
Now that we live in Canada,
I don't worry about that stuff no more.
But at the time, it was very stressful.
Oh, boo-hoo!
Pepper was my first love, and you took her away from me!
I still love you, Pepp -
ALL: [Laughing]
Ya know what? Fugget about it!
♪ Let me tell you something
♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy. ♪
♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini. ♪
♪ When he found out
♪ they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech, ♪
♪ he take the boss,
♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite. ♪
♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead. ♪
♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds. ♪
♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn, ♪
♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan. ♪
♪ Fugget about it!
Oh, fugget about it! ♪
What a movie!
Those were some very realistic decapitations, trust me.
It had an uplifting message:
"Don't bang your girlfriend in the creepy graveyard".
[Maniacal laugh] Alright, gimme your wallets!
A Canadian mugger.
That's adorable.
Better do what he says!
Yeah, I don't think so, kid...
Run! [Whistle blowing]
Jesus! My son owns a rape whistle?
Hey! Are you running away?
Ya chicken!
Crap, I can't see nothin' through this sock -
That's better.
This guy!
It's like the Special Olympics of crime.
Don't make me shoot you, old man!
[Mugger wets himself]
Change of plans, pinhead. Hand over YOUR wallet.
Here, take it - and take my bus pass!
It's still good for six days!
Ooh, velcro!
Looks like we got us a real high roller.
What a schnook!
Fake gun,
sock on his head, piss pants...
Where's the professionalism?
It's punks like this who give crime a bad name.
Y'know Jimmy, I've been a mugger,
but I've never actually been muggered myself.
It's nice to know how the other half lives.
That looks fun.Quit snoopin', Ma.
Peekin' over your shoulder to see what you're doin'
is not snoopin'.
Theresa Maria Falcone!
Is that a picture of you drinkin' a beer?
No! It's, um, an app!
It's an app to make it look like I'm drinking a beer.
[Gasp]
And that's an app to make it look like
I'm frenching another girl while frat boys cheer us on.
Theresa, why would you do something like that?
You know how it is...
After five beers you're on auto-pilot.
And flashing a policeman?
That's auto-pilot, too?
No... that was tequilla.
He was about five-five, dark clothes,
wool sock on his head,
possibly from a right foot.
Something... like this?
Relax, McCool. We took care of the mugger.
You... 'took care' of him?
Well then, James Danger McDougal,
in the name of the crown,
I have no choice but to place you under arrest for murder!
Not today, Copper! C'mon Jimmy!
CHEECH: Ow!
I didn't mean that kinda 'take care of'!
What's wrong with you?
I meant we stopped the mugger.
Oh, thank God.
Ahhh! Don't hurt me sock head man!
ALL: [Laughing]
It's funny 'cause he's traumatized.
Great Gowan's ghost!
Petey, you're clearly in shock from your encounter
with the criminal element.
Which is odd,
considering you're descended from gangsters.
Nonetheless, in my estimation,
the best way to confront your fear is head-on.
I invite you to come with me on a police ride-along!
Won't it be dangerous?
This is Saskatchewan!
It'll be safer than picking daisies.
Petey, get away from there!
It could explode at any second!
Whoever was behind the wheel likely pried the plates off
before they fled the scene.
Good eye, Petey!
I also found this under the seat.
Amphetamines!
The driver was a willfully negligent speed freak.
I'll do a rundown of the serial numbers
and see if we can trace this hop-head!
Or you could just arrest that guy.
It's not my fault!
These long hauls are killin' me!
I didn't mean to run over all those schoolchildren!
Schoolchildren?
Never mind!
Cover your ears, Petey!
I'm about to do something most un-Canadian.
Wait!
We don't need to use unnecessary violence.
Observe.
[Squirrel shrieks]
Spectacular!
Physics - It's nature's policeman!
Come along little Trooper!
For Canada -
where no one turns a blind eye to police brutality!
[Screams while beaten]
Hey McCool, ya lost weight!
Ho! What's wrong with your face?
Guess who's gonna be a junior cop?
Whaddaya mean "junior cop"?
I signed up with The Provincial Internship Group
of Law Enforcement Trainees!
My only male heir is gonna be a freakin' piglet?
Hey, just like Cousin Carlo!
Good ol' cousin Carlo...
The crookedest cop in all the five boroughs.
Thief! Officers! Stop that -
[Officer whistling]
I just need a parent to sign this permission form.
No son of mine's joining the bacon brigade!
McCool said you might feel that way...
McCool?
It's bad enough he's got me on the straight and narrow,
now he's brainwashin' my boy!
You got all the mentor ya need right here!
What am I supposed to learn from you?
Plenty!
Robbery, extortion, pandering.
I'm like a college of wiseguy knowledge!
Oh, for God's sake... Here ya go, sweetie.
Thanks, mom!
You're lettin' him join the pork patrol?
What kinda parent are you?
He's just bein' a rebellious teenager.
At least he's not gettin' drunk, like his wino sister.
Hey!Shut up, rummy.
Well I ain't living with no 5-0.
Don't worry -
I'll make it look like an accident.
Gina, no garrotting your brother.
When did you stop bein' fun?
I can't believe Petey's turnin' his back
on our way of life!
He's givin' up pasta?
No, he's rejectin' my whole family heritage.
I rejected mine, too.
When I gutted my father like a goat.
Yeah, but Gramps had it comin'.
I guess the wisdom of our ancestors is gonna die with me.
Don't worry, Jimmy.
If you die,
I'll eat enough pasta for both of us.
[Knocking on window] Out of the car!
Oh no, not you guys again!
I'll give ya a head start, punk.
[Tires screeching]
Please, don't hurt me! I'm new at this.
Ah, who'm I kiddin'? I'm pathetic.
[Wets his pants] I can't mug anyone.
I totally blew carjacking.
I'll never figure out how to be a criminal.
I'll never figure out how to be a criminal...
PETEY: Guess who's going to be a junior cop...
Criminal... Cop... Criminal... Cop...
Criminal...
[Austrian accent] Come with me if you want to learn.
Are you a Terminator?
No kid, I'm a Learn-inator.
Enough with the [bleep]in' rhymes, Jimmy!
Who do you think you are, Mother Goose?
Alright Bennie, this'll be your room.
Wow!
No one's ever been this nice to me.
Thanks, Mr. Jimmy!
This is nice, Jimmy.
You're really givin' back to the community.
If Petey don't want my pearls of gangsterly wisdom,
then I'll pass them on to Bennie over there.
Jimmy, I don't often throw around words like "hero."
So I won't.
I'm just a simple man tryin' to make the world a worse place,
one kid at a time.
[♪♪]
[Laughing]
[♪♪]
Hail Mary, full of grace...
Help me with my daughter's booze problem.
That's good. Booze problem?
Try raisin' a teenager with the power
to turn water into wine.
Oh! Mamma mia!
Our bathtub was permanently stained purple!
Jesus was a lush?
It got so bad, we had to put him in AAA.
Ancient Alcoholics Anonymous. Didn't work.
The little punk refused to acknowledge a higher power.
"No way, Ma! I am the higher power!"
GAH! The ego on this kid!
So what did you do?
I took him down to the Dead Sea and said,
"You turn that into wine and drink every drop."
He chugged it like a champ.
Then he punched a Centurion, trashed a temple,
and ran off with a whore from Babylon.
But he never got drunk again.
Wow! The things they left out of the Bible...
No kiddin'! Like his brother Rusty.
What?
And... I've said too much.
Sorry Petey, I know paperwork is dull,
but it's a big part of law enforcement.
Oh, I love paperwork!
In fact, I just solved some cold cases.
Which ones?All of them.
Sweet DaVinci's Inquest!
You solved 27 years of cold cases?
I can see how they'd baffle a less intelligent cop,
but it's all in a day's work for Junior Officer...
Peteyyyyy McDougallll!
He's not with me.
Theresa, we need to talk.
Whoa - That is not mine!It is now.
You are going to sit here and drink this,
until you learn the terrible things
alcohol does to a person.
Works for me. Cheers!
That's it. Drink it up, alky.
After I'm through with you,
you'll never want to look at liquor again!
Mmm. Is this Chianti? It's nice.
[Loud sipping and slurping] [Mother drums fingers on table]
You want some?
Well, since it's already open...
[Drunk voice] Did I ever tell ya how Gina happened?
Your father got home from stabbin' Federico the Fink,
and lemme tell ya,
he wasn't through pokin' stuff...
Make it stop! Make it stop!
If you're gonna hide out in Mexico,
stay away from the señoritas.
Before ya know it you'll have eight kids
and a job cuttin' lawns in El Paso.
[Mule braying]
What the hell is this now?
It's my mule!
McCool lent him to me for being a Junior Supercop.
Congratulations! An ass for an ass.
Haw! Good one, Mr. Jimmy!
Uh... who are you?
Well, since you're so busy being Supercop,
I decided to mentor this wayward kid.
I gotta take a dump.
That Mr. Jimmy's such a great guy!
You're lucky he's your dad.
Listen... Bernie, is it?
You probably think you're special to my Dad,
but he's using you.
Just like he used Cheech's Mexican step-kids
to work his lawn care racket in El Paso.
Papa Cheech,
please don't go back to New York!
Get back to work!
So Mr. Jimmy's just using me?
Why?
To get back at me.
And once he's done,
he'll drop you right back in the gutter.
Tell him not to bother.
I can drop myself in the gutter!
[Crying]
Mom, you should not be driving!
Shut up,
I'm goin' to the store for wine...
and breath mints, in case I get pulled over.
Ma'am, have you been drinking?
I'm fine.
Step out of the vehicle, ma'am.
I'm fine.
[Car speeding and crashing]
I'm fine.
Ma'am, you're under arrest for drunk driving.
What the hell are you doin'?
Sir, I have the situation under control.
I need you to step back.
I'm gonna step into your ass
if you don't take off those bracelets!
Ahh!
It burns!
You were warned, sir.
Petey! You should be ashamed!
Bustin' your own mother and father?
I was just following procedure.
You threatened an officer of the law.
Do the crime, do the time, Pop.
What are you doing?
Somethin' I shoulda done a long time ago!
Ahh!
Son of a -
Petey! This is madness.
Following the letter of the Law is one thing,
but pepper-spraying your own father -Twice!
is conduct unbecoming a PIGLET.
You are so done playing CSI Regina!
No I'm not! Mom signed the permission form.
I can be a piglet as long as I want.
Permission revoked.
C'mon Jimmy, Mama wants a cheeseburger.
Sorry, Petey.
I'll need your hat, uniform, and badge.
And your mule.
[Mule braying]
[Crying]
[Sounds of massive party]
What the hell?
Is it just me, or is the house roomier?
Holy crap! Bennie friggin' robbed us!
The kid learned good!
He even took the vent covers.
I am so proud of that thievin', lyin',
low-down dirty bastard.
Too bad I gotta kill him.
Bennie stole my laptop!
Bennie stole all my shoes!
Bennie stole my Dora DVDs!
What?
I gotta hablo Espanol
for when I deal with the cartels.
Bennie didn't take none of my stuff.
My eight-tracks and thigh master are right where I left 'em.
Too bad you got me kicked off the force,
or I'd totally catch him and get our stuff back.
Don't even talk to me, Pepper-spray Patty.
Fine!
Enjoy sitting on your invisible couch watching invisible TV!
What's he talkin' about?
I don't see no invisible couch.
What happened last night?
Did I do this?
No. But ya did do this...
Quit judgin' me!
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
What kinda role model am I?
I dunno, Ma. You tell me.
[Drunken giggling]
I can't believe Bennie stole from me -
After I treated him like my own son!
You treat your own son like crap.
Well there ya go!
I treated him better than my own son.
We don't need Petey to find this clown.
We'll do it our way.
Where's Bennie?Who?
Where's Bennie?What's a Bennie?
Where's Bennie?
Aw, [bleep]. Sorry, sister.
Such language!
[Gruesome beating]
You know, Jimmy.
As nuns go, she was actually pretty gentle.
[Spits out teeth]
Hey Petey,
I decided to forgive ya for pepper-sprayin' me.
Can't find Bennie, huh?
I'm outta leads on this one.
I can't help you. I'm not a Junior cop anymore.
From what I heard,
you were the best Junior cop this town's ever seen.
Where'd you hear that?
Down at the station...
when I was signin' you back up for PIGLET.
Really? That's awesome!
Wait a minute...
You're not just using me to get back at Bennie are you?
Maybe a little...
Well good,
because I want to bust that son of a bitch!
But if we're gonna do this, we do it my way -
By the book.
You got it. This is gonna be great!
Just you and me.
It'll be like an 80s buddy-cop movie!
PETEY: He's a hotshot mini-cop with a mega-mind...
JIMMY: He's a retired wiseguy
who just wants his couch back...
Chief! I ain't this kid's babysitter!
No... You're his new partner.
I'm too old for this ship!
You! Do it more by the book!
You! Do it less by the book!
[♪♪]
JIMMY: Jimmy Falcone. Petey Falcone.
In...
Jimmy's Way.
PETEY: Petey's Law.
JIMMY: Jimmy's Way!
PETEY: Petey's Law!
[Gun cocking]
Fine... Jimmy's Way.
Alright, we agree on a title.
Now let's quit wasting time and catch this guy!
Oh, God...
This goddamn headache.
Come to rub it in, huh? Well, go on -
Tell your mother what an ass she made of herself.
Actually...
seeing you wasted was a real eye-opener.
I can see how drinking too much
can turn someone into a total loser.
A total loser?
Really? You mean it?
Mom, I swear. No booze until I'm 19.
21!We're in Canada. It's 19 here.
18, if I go to Manitoba.
In Quebec it's like 12.
You go have fun -
But if a frat boy gives you a drink,
make him take the first sip.
Thanks, Mom.
12? Man, them French know how to live.
I can't believe you tracked Bennie down so fast.
How'd you do it? Forensics?
Informants? Ya hire a psychic?
No, I found him selling our stuff on Craigslist.
Way to go, Columbo!
And my outfit's essential to the plan, right?
'Cos if not, you're grounded.
You must be Ingmar and Brunhilda.
Brunhidla? Yeah, you're grounded.
Which one of you is Ingmar?
[Goofy accent] Yah, yah dat's me!
My wife and I are looking to buy
an entire house full of stuff.
I got a house full of stuff to sell!
A lot of this stuff is tacky crap,
so I'll give it to ya cheap.
You agreed! 'By the book!'
Oh right, sorry son.
Mr. Jimmy!
♪ [Wistful tune]
Ow! That hurt!
Hey, I taught him that move!
Pop, he's getting away!
Don't worry, I got this.
Oh! Petey, you're brilliant!
It's just like that game with the mousetrap.
What's it called?
"Mousetrap!"
Petey, no! Do it by the book!
Screw the book. This time it's personal.
Wasn't it always personal?
PETEY: Come on... Take the shot!
I can't do it!
[Angry scream]
Good for you, kid.
He's a dumbass punk, but he don't deserve to die.
You did the right thing.
He could walk away from that.
Maybe not.
[Death rattle]
Pop, stay with me...
Pop? Pop?
We're not that different.
Sure, I'll never be a crook, but I'm still your son...
Pop?
[Extended bellow] Pop!
[Church bell rings]
Boo!
Knock it off Cheech, it ain't funny anymore!
Alright, doc says I can go.
That was some... interesting police work, Jimmy.
It was all Petey!
And he would have brought Bennie in
if that plane hadn't somehow got to him first.
So McCool, you gonna give him his mule back?
Yes... about that...
Unfortunately,
Petey won't be reinstated as a PIGLET.
What?He was so good,
he was making the other cops look bad...
and that's my job!
[Chuckling]
No one laughed at work, either...
That's okay,
I think I've had enough of police work.
And let's face it - cops don't earn [bleep].
ALL: [Laughing]
[♪♪]