1 00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:03,829 How ya doin'? I'm Gina Falcone. 2 00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:06,875 I may only be a kid, but I ain't no bed-wettin' twerp. 3 00:00:06,875 --> 00:00:09,139 I take care of myself - 4 00:00:09,139 --> 00:00:11,271 like this one time, back in New York... 5 00:00:11,271 --> 00:00:13,708 Hey, Ma! Pops! 6 00:00:13,708 --> 00:00:16,320 Where is everybody? 7 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,104 GINA: The rest of the family was in such a rush 8 00:00:18,104 --> 00:00:19,801 to get to Coney Island, they left me... 9 00:00:19,801 --> 00:00:23,327 home alone! 10 00:00:23,327 --> 00:00:26,025 So it was up to me to protect our house... 11 00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:27,505 and have a little fun. 12 00:00:29,898 --> 00:00:32,423 I was expecting the kid to set cute little traps. 13 00:00:32,423 --> 00:00:34,381 This is almost too easy. 14 00:00:34,381 --> 00:00:36,383 Easy? You know, when you say that, 15 00:00:36,383 --> 00:00:39,517 you really devalue what we do. 16 00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:40,387 GINA: Yeah, I don't like kiddie movies. 17 00:00:40,387 --> 00:00:44,652 All that violence, it's so fake! 18 00:00:44,652 --> 00:00:46,089 When it comes to violence, I prefer what Petey 19 00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:49,440 would call "realism". 20 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,792 Don't bother begging for mercy. 21 00:00:54,793 --> 00:00:56,316 Oh, my poor baby! 22 00:00:56,316 --> 00:00:56,882 I'm so s-- 23 00:00:56,882 --> 00:00:59,841 What the hell?! 24 00:00:59,841 --> 00:01:01,321 Crap. Busted. 25 00:01:01,321 --> 00:01:03,193 Gina, how many times I gotta tell you? 26 00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:04,455 Not in the house! 27 00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:05,238 You're gonna get us all pinched! 28 00:01:05,238 --> 00:01:07,719 Anyway, now that we live in the 29 00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:10,113 most boring town on the planet, 30 00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:11,984 I gotta make my own fun. 31 00:01:11,984 --> 00:01:13,028 Ma, I'm goin' out. 32 00:01:13,028 --> 00:01:15,422 Don't forget your mittens! 33 00:01:15,422 --> 00:01:17,250 Is anyone else concerned that she's-- 34 00:01:17,250 --> 00:01:19,339 Fugget about it! 35 00:01:19,339 --> 00:01:20,558 MALE SINGER: ♪ Let me tell you something ♪ 36 00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:22,516 ♪ 'Bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪ 37 00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:25,345 ♪ A made wise guy and a capo with the Gambini ♪ 38 00:01:25,345 --> 00:01:26,999 ♪ When he found out that they'd be ♪ 39 00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:28,000 ♪ Whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪ 40 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,654 ♪ He take the boss, he threw him ♪ 41 00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:30,959 ♪ From the nineteenth- floor suite ♪ 42 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:34,572 ♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob all wants him dead ♪ 43 00:01:34,572 --> 00:01:37,662 ♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪ 44 00:01:37,662 --> 00:01:40,447 ♪ The feds say they'll help if they could use him as a pawn ♪ 45 00:01:40,447 --> 00:01:41,883 ♪ So he ratted out his friends ♪ 46 00:01:41,883 --> 00:01:43,276 ♪ And moved to Saskatchewan ♪ 47 00:01:43,276 --> 00:01:44,756 ♪ Fugget about it ♪ 48 00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:45,670 ♪ Fugget about it! ♪ 49 00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:47,672 MALE SINGER: ♪ Fugget about it♪ 50 00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:48,847 Oh! Fugget about it! 51 00:01:52,285 --> 00:01:55,636 Hey, who threw out a thermometer? 52 00:01:55,636 --> 00:01:57,986 It's a pregnancy tester! 53 00:01:57,986 --> 00:01:59,640 Cheech, look at this. 54 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:02,339 What's the little minus sign mean? 55 00:02:02,339 --> 00:02:03,905 Whoa, it's negative! 56 00:02:03,905 --> 00:02:05,429 Means a baby's comin'. 57 00:02:05,429 --> 00:02:07,735 You sure?Sure I'm sure. 58 00:02:07,735 --> 00:02:08,997 You want another snot-nosed brat 59 00:02:08,997 --> 00:02:10,825 runnin' around? No! 60 00:02:10,825 --> 00:02:13,219 Pregnant equals negative. 61 00:02:13,219 --> 00:02:15,308 Holy crap! Cookie's pregnant? 62 00:02:15,308 --> 00:02:16,135 I can't be a father again! 63 00:02:16,135 --> 00:02:19,007 I barely survived the first three! 64 00:02:19,007 --> 00:02:20,400 You want my advice? 65 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,750 Pretend to be happy about this. 66 00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:24,143 Then, when she goes to bed... 67 00:02:24,143 --> 00:02:28,669 you skip town like a in' gypsy. 68 00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:34,153 There's my beautiful wife. 69 00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:37,025 If you was barefoot, this picture would be perfect. 70 00:02:37,025 --> 00:02:37,939 OK, what'd ya do? 71 00:02:37,939 --> 00:02:41,900 Ooh, was that a kick I felt? 72 00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:43,728 No, it was last night's eggplant parm. 73 00:02:43,728 --> 00:02:45,991 What's wrong with you? 74 00:02:45,991 --> 00:02:47,775 Ya fall in the shower or somethin'? 75 00:02:47,775 --> 00:02:50,387 No! I'm talkin' about our baby! 76 00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:51,214 77 00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:54,826 Jimmy, this test is negative. 78 00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:57,307 I was... a little late and just, you know, 79 00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:59,309 wanted to be sure. 80 00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:00,353 But I ain't pregnant. 81 00:03:00,353 --> 00:03:01,833 Nobody's pregnant. 82 00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,748 Oh, thank you, baby Jesus! 83 00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:06,446 This is the happiest day of my life! 84 00:03:06,446 --> 00:03:07,882 Next time, I'll pull out earlier so 85 00:03:07,882 --> 00:03:09,754 you don't gotta worry. 86 00:03:09,754 --> 00:03:10,624 87 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,757 Don't you move, young lady! 88 00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:14,759 That's not mine! 89 00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:16,151 It's... for a friend. 90 00:03:16,151 --> 00:03:17,414 She had a little scare. 91 00:03:17,414 --> 00:03:18,937 But everything's fine. 92 00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:21,374 Oh, really? What's your friend's name? 93 00:03:21,374 --> 00:03:23,942 Theres...o? 94 00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:25,944 Your father found this! 95 00:03:25,944 --> 00:03:28,729 If he knew it was yours, he'd slap a chastity belt 96 00:03:28,729 --> 00:03:30,644 on you and swallow the key! 97 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:33,038 Lucky for you, I covered for ya. 98 00:03:33,038 --> 00:03:33,734 Phew! Dodged that bullet. 99 00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:35,823 Thanks, Ma. 100 00:03:35,823 --> 00:03:38,783 Not so fast, Theresa Maria Falcone! 101 00:03:38,783 --> 00:03:39,349 We're not done here - 102 00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:42,047 not by a long shot! 103 00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:43,657 Will you relax? 104 00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,224 You should just be glad I'm not pregnant. 105 00:03:45,224 --> 00:03:47,095 Now we don't have to guess who the father is! 106 00:03:47,095 --> 00:03:48,140 107 00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:51,535 Think before you talk, Thereso! 108 00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:52,536 What are you doing? 109 00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:53,624 They're going to need your measurements, 110 00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:55,016 down at the nunnery. 111 00:03:57,715 --> 00:03:59,499 Hey, McCool, thanks for meeting me. 112 00:03:59,499 --> 00:04:00,674 We had a little scare, and 113 00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:01,980 I'm gonna need some rubbers. 114 00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:02,763 A case a week should do. 115 00:04:02,763 --> 00:04:04,983 Don't tell God. 116 00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:07,855 Can't you just buy them at the drug store? 117 00:04:07,855 --> 00:04:10,684 What?! You can just walk in and buy them up here? 118 00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,904 In the old neighbourhood, you needed a sit-down 119 00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:15,341 with Father O'Malley and a doctor's note. 120 00:04:15,341 --> 00:04:17,604 I had a connection upstate - 121 00:04:17,604 --> 00:04:18,779 one of the first guys to carry the 122 00:04:18,779 --> 00:04:19,650 "French tickler"! 123 00:04:19,650 --> 00:04:22,043 Are we finished here, Jimmy? 124 00:04:22,043 --> 00:04:24,219 McCool, what gives? Who died? 125 00:04:24,219 --> 00:04:25,612 Oh, just my career. 126 00:04:25,612 --> 00:04:29,137 A letter intended for my lady friend was mistakenly 127 00:04:29,137 --> 00:04:31,705 mailed to Premier O'Shea's office. 128 00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,054 So slap the mailman around. 129 00:04:33,054 --> 00:04:34,491 A fellow civil servant? 130 00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:35,970 Never! 131 00:04:35,970 --> 00:04:39,147 The problem is the letter contained photos of me - 132 00:04:39,147 --> 00:04:41,498 playfully erotic ones. 133 00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:42,716 BOTH: Oh! 134 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,196 When the Premier returns from his "trade mission" 135 00:04:44,196 --> 00:04:46,459 to Las Vegas, I'll be fired! 136 00:04:46,459 --> 00:04:48,983 Or, at the very least, reassigned to one of 137 00:04:48,983 --> 00:04:50,942 Canada's bleaker outposts... 138 00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:52,204 like Toronto. 139 00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:54,902 You oughta text your dirty pictures, like I do. 140 00:04:54,902 --> 00:04:57,644 A true gentleman does not text 141 00:04:57,644 --> 00:04:59,994 boudoir photographs to a lady! 142 00:04:59,994 --> 00:05:01,996 It's a picture of your bing-bong. 143 00:05:01,996 --> 00:05:02,867 Quit tryin' to class it up. 144 00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,303 You're right. 145 00:05:04,303 --> 00:05:06,566 There's nothing classy about what I did. 146 00:05:06,566 --> 00:05:08,046 For Canada! 147 00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:13,747 ...where all degenerates wind up in Toronto. 148 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:16,184 Poor bastard. 149 00:05:16,184 --> 00:05:18,709 You know, if we steal them pictures back for him 150 00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,798 and save his job, he'll owe us big time. 151 00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:22,147 Let's do it! 152 00:05:22,147 --> 00:05:24,367 We'll be ass-deep in French ticklers! 153 00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:31,939 Can you believe she's makin' me wear an ankle monitor? 154 00:05:31,939 --> 00:05:33,506 Be careful what you say with that thing. 155 00:05:33,506 --> 00:05:34,289 It has speech recognition. 156 00:05:34,289 --> 00:05:36,988 Anything about boys and/or sex 157 00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:38,119 and you get a shock! 158 00:05:38,119 --> 00:05:40,861 Even by Mom's standards, it's a bit draconian. 159 00:05:40,861 --> 00:05:42,820 My social life is fallin' apart, and you're talking 160 00:05:42,820 --> 00:05:44,952 about Star Trek?! 161 00:05:44,952 --> 00:05:46,345 I'm only allowed to go to school 162 00:05:46,345 --> 00:05:47,520 and then straight home. 163 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:48,521 What am I gonna do? 164 00:05:48,521 --> 00:05:50,131 Maybe focus on all the great things 165 00:05:50,131 --> 00:05:51,350 you can do at school. 166 00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:52,351 That's what got me in this mess. 167 00:05:52,351 --> 00:05:55,833 No, I mean an after-school club. 168 00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,095 GINA: A club, huh? 169 00:05:57,095 --> 00:05:58,923 Photography... Full. 170 00:05:58,923 --> 00:06:00,707 Drama club... Full. 171 00:06:00,707 --> 00:06:02,666 Witchcraft for Beginners... Full. 172 00:06:02,666 --> 00:06:04,798 All the good clubs are full! 173 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:07,932 What's "Future Business Leaders"? 174 00:06:07,932 --> 00:06:09,063 I thought it was a recruiting front for the 175 00:06:09,063 --> 00:06:11,631 Conservative party, but it's just a club where you 176 00:06:11,631 --> 00:06:13,416 learn about sales and marketing. 177 00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:15,243 Ooh! Maybe there'll be cute boys! 178 00:06:15,243 --> 00:06:16,419 179 00:06:19,073 --> 00:06:20,292 You're late! 180 00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:22,512 I told you to come straight home from school! 181 00:06:22,512 --> 00:06:24,383 I was doin' school stuff! 182 00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:26,385 I joined the "Future Business Leaders" club. 183 00:06:26,385 --> 00:06:29,867 Oh, please. You don't fool me for a second. 184 00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:31,085 You're just tryin' to stay away from here 185 00:06:31,085 --> 00:06:32,347 as long as possible! 186 00:06:32,347 --> 00:06:34,611 I'll have you know I am full of... 187 00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:35,742 What did they call 'em? 188 00:06:35,742 --> 00:06:38,092 ..."viable consumer innovations"! 189 00:06:38,092 --> 00:06:39,964 You're full of somethin', all right. 190 00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:42,009 Tomorrow, you come straight home from school. 191 00:06:42,009 --> 00:06:44,185 None of this phony club crap, ya hear me? 192 00:06:44,185 --> 00:06:45,970 But Mom, the one time I'm not lying, and you-- 193 00:06:45,970 --> 00:06:48,755 End of discussion! 194 00:06:48,755 --> 00:06:49,713 Oh yeah? I'm gonna come up with 195 00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:52,455 an idea that's gonna knock your socks off! 196 00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:54,152 You wanna knock my socks off? 197 00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:55,153 Get your virginity back! 198 00:06:58,069 --> 00:07:00,375 Gotta think of a product. 199 00:07:00,375 --> 00:07:02,029 I'll show her. 200 00:07:02,029 --> 00:07:04,205 Think... Think... 201 00:07:04,205 --> 00:07:06,991 Think! 202 00:07:06,991 --> 00:07:08,906 God, thinking's hard! 203 00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:10,385 And so is this chair. 204 00:07:10,385 --> 00:07:14,085 My butt's killin' me! 205 00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:19,264 Europa! I think I got it! 206 00:07:19,264 --> 00:07:20,744 What's goin' on in here? 207 00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:22,136 I'm takin' the lead on the O'Shea heist, Jimmy. 208 00:07:22,136 --> 00:07:24,356 So what's with these mooks? 209 00:07:24,356 --> 00:07:25,444 It's the team. 210 00:07:25,444 --> 00:07:28,360 I call 'em "Cheech's Eleven, Minus Six". 211 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,535 Wait. How many of us are there, 212 00:07:29,535 --> 00:07:31,145 not including me? 213 00:07:31,145 --> 00:07:32,277 What's wrong with you? 214 00:07:32,277 --> 00:07:35,149 We're stealin' some mail, not robbin' a casino. 215 00:07:35,149 --> 00:07:37,630 Why you always gotta stomp on my ideas? 216 00:07:37,630 --> 00:07:39,632 Mainly 'cause they're insane. 217 00:07:39,632 --> 00:07:41,765 But I already gave everybody codenames 218 00:07:41,765 --> 00:07:43,114 in case we get pinched! 219 00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:44,463 This here is Mr. Red. 220 00:07:44,463 --> 00:07:46,247 You're a freakin' racist! 221 00:07:46,247 --> 00:07:48,119 Race ain't got nothin' to do with it! 222 00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:50,121 Now sit down, Geronimo! 223 00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:54,691 This is Mr. Brown - 'cause he smells like a toilet. 224 00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:57,258 Alright, Dale-- I mean, Mr. Red. 225 00:07:57,258 --> 00:07:58,999 You're gonna shoot an arrow through the window 226 00:07:58,999 --> 00:08:01,349 so I can shimmy up. 227 00:08:01,349 --> 00:08:03,438 But I'm terrible with a bow and arrow! 228 00:08:03,438 --> 00:08:05,310 I thought you said you was an Injun! 229 00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:07,530 And I thought this was gonna be a sex orgy! 230 00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:09,096 Alright, meetin's over! 231 00:08:09,096 --> 00:08:11,229 Cheech, you ain't in charge no more! 232 00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:12,186 Well, I had a good run. 233 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:20,151 Today's modern woman faces many challenges, 234 00:08:20,151 --> 00:08:23,415 but none compare to the very real problem 235 00:08:23,415 --> 00:08:26,679 of B.A.S. - "Bony Ass Syndrome". 236 00:08:26,679 --> 00:08:28,115 Oh, here we go. 237 00:08:28,115 --> 00:08:33,120 Ladies and awkward teen boy, I give you... 238 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,732 hang on... 239 00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:37,385 "Ass-Jax"! 240 00:08:37,385 --> 00:08:38,996 Whoa! I'd love to get one of those 241 00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:40,432 for my girlfriend! 242 00:08:40,432 --> 00:08:44,044 ...if I, you know, had a girlfriend. 243 00:08:44,044 --> 00:08:46,307 Hey, this is fun! 244 00:08:46,307 --> 00:08:48,919 Now I see why guys like these so much. 245 00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:50,268 Theresa, it's great you're applying yourself to 246 00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:53,576 something besides boys, but this 247 00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:56,491 is the stupidest thing I ever seen! 248 00:08:56,491 --> 00:08:59,625 Well, Ma, the "stupidest thing you've ever seen" 249 00:08:59,625 --> 00:09:02,280 is setting the Twitterverse on fire. 250 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:03,716 Who the hell goes on the internet 251 00:09:03,716 --> 00:09:04,978 to look for big butts? 252 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,502 Judging from Ass-Jax's followers, flat-bottomed 253 00:09:07,502 --> 00:09:09,200 girls with low self esteem who want to 254 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,941 jack up their asses... 255 00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:13,465 and a lot of dirty old men. 256 00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:15,554 Probably not our target market. 257 00:09:15,554 --> 00:09:17,338 Those are my Instagram followers, ya idiot! 258 00:09:23,823 --> 00:09:25,172 PETEY: Look at all the orders rolling in 259 00:09:25,172 --> 00:09:26,478 for Ass-Jax! 260 00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:28,088 I never thought I'd say this, but, 261 00:09:28,088 --> 00:09:30,047 Theresa, you're brilliant! 262 00:09:30,047 --> 00:09:31,004 I don't wanna rain on your parade, but how are you 263 00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:33,833 gonna fill 510-- 264 00:09:33,833 --> 00:09:35,008 12-- 265 00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:36,531 50 orders? 266 00:09:36,531 --> 00:09:38,751 Ma, you just don't have any vision. 267 00:09:38,751 --> 00:09:40,144 Oh, my vision's fine. 268 00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:41,972 I see a bunch of kids who think they're gonna make 269 00:09:41,972 --> 00:09:44,104 a mint off rubber underpants. 270 00:09:44,104 --> 00:09:45,628 But, Mom, presales like this mean start-up capital and-- 271 00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:49,544 Save it for the shareholders, Mr. Google. 272 00:09:49,544 --> 00:09:51,634 Theresa, as your IT manager, 273 00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,548 I recommend myself for 274 00:09:53,548 --> 00:09:55,115 VP of Sales and Marketing. 275 00:09:55,115 --> 00:09:56,377 Hm. I'd have to see your resume. 276 00:09:56,377 --> 00:09:59,990 "Resumé." But I stand on my experience. 277 00:09:59,990 --> 00:10:02,470 Remember those great ideas I had for Pop's business? 278 00:10:02,470 --> 00:10:05,822 What? Like the public transit getaway? 279 00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:06,736 What do ya mean "exact change"? 280 00:10:06,736 --> 00:10:09,042 Will ya just go? 281 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,349 I propose we make a web commercial - 282 00:10:11,349 --> 00:10:12,393 keep this synergy going! 283 00:10:12,393 --> 00:10:15,005 I have no idea what synergy means... 284 00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:17,572 and that impresses me. 285 00:10:17,572 --> 00:10:18,399 You're hired! 286 00:10:21,446 --> 00:10:23,013 Alright, this'll be a cinch. 287 00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,841 We sweet-talk his secretary, get in 288 00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,581 his office, and grab the envelope. 289 00:10:26,581 --> 00:10:29,759 Say no more, Jimmy. 290 00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:33,588 They don't call me "Ol' Sugarlips" for nothin'. 291 00:10:33,588 --> 00:10:34,720 JIMMY: Hey, Pal. 292 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,157 Is Premier O'Shea's secretary around? 293 00:10:37,157 --> 00:10:38,202 If you mean "administrative 294 00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:40,117 assistant", that's me. 295 00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:41,771 A man secretary? 296 00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:43,729 Abort! Abort! 297 00:10:45,992 --> 00:10:47,211 What's wrong with you? 298 00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:48,516 Guys can have lady jobs. 299 00:10:48,516 --> 00:10:50,388 It's the twentieth century! 300 00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:51,606 I got spooked. But this is good. 301 00:10:51,606 --> 00:10:54,087 Now that it's a guy, we just rough him up 302 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,349 and barge in. 303 00:10:55,349 --> 00:10:56,611 In a government building?! Are you nuts? 304 00:10:56,611 --> 00:10:59,266 We gotta go back to the drawing board. 305 00:10:59,266 --> 00:11:00,485 Sounds good. 306 00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:03,140 Now I can finish that picture of a duck. 307 00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:03,314 Where's my crayons? 308 00:11:07,274 --> 00:11:09,624 Our first commercial! I'm so excited! 309 00:11:09,624 --> 00:11:10,408 How can you be in a commercial? 310 00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,671 We're in Witness Protection! 311 00:11:12,671 --> 00:11:15,979 Mom, it's alright. We thought of that. Watch. 312 00:11:15,979 --> 00:11:18,459 THERESA: Hey, girlfriend. Do boys ignore you 313 00:11:18,459 --> 00:11:21,636 because you have a small, bony ass? 314 00:11:21,636 --> 00:11:23,595 Then you need... Ass-Jax! 315 00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:27,120 With Ass-Jax, you'll get so many guys 316 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,514 you'll have to beat them off with a stick. 317 00:11:29,514 --> 00:11:32,778 In fact, you'll be beating guys off all over town! 318 00:11:32,778 --> 00:11:37,217 You can wear Ass-Jax in da club! 319 00:11:37,217 --> 00:11:38,262 Shake that thang! 320 00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,394 THERESA: Up on charges? 321 00:11:40,394 --> 00:11:44,834 Wear Ass-Jax to court! 322 00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:48,272 Ass dismissed! 323 00:11:48,272 --> 00:11:49,316 THERESA: You can even wear them to church. 324 00:11:49,316 --> 00:11:53,407 Bless me, Father, for I have booty. 325 00:11:53,407 --> 00:11:55,192 THERESA: Don't be a jack-ass. 326 00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:58,673 Go to assjax.com and order your Ass-Jax now! 327 00:12:04,897 --> 00:12:06,333 Now what are you gonna do? 328 00:12:06,333 --> 00:12:08,292 Ya actually gotta make the damn things! 329 00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:11,295 Ma, we're already on it. 330 00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:14,037 COOKIE: Wow! How'd you do this? 331 00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,647 Simple: I had a vision... 332 00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:17,518 and told Petey to make it happen. 333 00:12:17,518 --> 00:12:19,303 At first, we considered outsourcing to 334 00:12:19,303 --> 00:12:21,000 a Chinese production facility... 335 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,220 ...but then Petey reminded me that they have 336 00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:25,570 a terrible Hunan rice recipe. 337 00:12:25,570 --> 00:12:26,527 "Human rights policy." 338 00:12:26,527 --> 00:12:30,270 Whatever. Anyway, as a job creator, 339 00:12:30,270 --> 00:12:33,056 I wanted to keep the factory here in the state of Regina. 340 00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:34,144 But I crunched the numbers, 341 00:12:34,144 --> 00:12:36,059 and the labour costs would kill us, so... 342 00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:36,842 we automated! 343 00:12:36,842 --> 00:12:39,410 I gotta say, I'm impressed! 344 00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:41,499 This is a hell of an operation you got here. 345 00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:42,108 Now, if you'll excuse us, we gotta 346 00:12:42,108 --> 00:12:45,242 move some latex butts. 347 00:12:45,242 --> 00:12:47,635 GINA: Move it or lose it, toots! 348 00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:52,423 JIMMY: Hello. 349 00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:56,383 I'm the Minister of Fish, Wildlife, and, uh... 350 00:12:56,383 --> 00:12:57,994 Nuclear War. 351 00:12:57,994 --> 00:13:00,387 We need to get into the Premier's office. 352 00:13:00,387 --> 00:13:01,432 Oh, yes, sir. 353 00:13:01,432 --> 00:13:02,215 I'll open it right up. 354 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:04,739 Wait a second. 355 00:13:04,739 --> 00:13:06,306 How can you be the Minister of Fish, 356 00:13:06,306 --> 00:13:07,873 Wildlife, and Nuclear War 357 00:13:07,873 --> 00:13:09,875 when he's standing right over there? 358 00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:12,704 Hello! 359 00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:15,054 I told ya we shoulda used Mr. Brown. 360 00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:20,668 PETEY: I gotta slide. Talk to ya! 361 00:13:20,668 --> 00:13:24,542 You got one! 362 00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:25,369 PETEY: Straight from the breeder. 363 00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:27,980 Ooh, what a sweetie! 364 00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:29,590 I'm gonna call you "Minksy". 365 00:13:29,590 --> 00:13:32,071 Yes, I am! Yes, I am! 366 00:13:33,507 --> 00:13:35,596 Where the hell did all this crap 367 00:13:35,596 --> 00:13:36,206 come from, Theresa? 368 00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:37,337 Who's paying for this? 369 00:13:37,337 --> 00:13:39,862 I am. I've been pre-approved 370 00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,602 for, like, a zillion credit cards. 371 00:13:41,602 --> 00:13:43,866 This is just like with your boyfriends: 372 00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:45,911 have fun now, pay later! 373 00:13:45,911 --> 00:13:46,651 Oh, you're just bitter 'cause you never 374 00:13:46,651 --> 00:13:47,782 did anything with your life. 375 00:13:47,782 --> 00:13:51,961 Excuse me?! Never did anything with my life? 376 00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,876 I raised three kids! 377 00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:56,052 Ooh, three whole kids! 378 00:13:56,052 --> 00:13:58,576 Talk to me when you raise an empire, Ma. 379 00:13:58,576 --> 00:14:00,883 Security! 380 00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,275 Gina, get your hands off me. 381 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,929 Take it easy! 382 00:14:03,929 --> 00:14:05,409 You don't wanna slip and fall... 383 00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:07,367 repeatedly... onto my boot. 384 00:14:07,367 --> 00:14:09,108 So you're a goon for your sister now. 385 00:14:09,108 --> 00:14:11,676 She signs the cheques. 386 00:14:20,728 --> 00:14:27,474 ♪ 387 00:14:32,871 --> 00:14:35,178 I got it! 388 00:14:35,178 --> 00:14:36,570 What the hell is that?! 389 00:14:36,570 --> 00:14:38,659 You're supposed to get an envelope! 390 00:14:38,659 --> 00:14:40,009 Aw, crap! Wrong building. 391 00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:42,359 I'll go put it back. 392 00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,235 Where's my stuff?!I returned it all. 393 00:14:49,235 --> 00:14:51,324 My handbag collection? 394 00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:52,412 Returned. 395 00:14:52,412 --> 00:14:52,673 My diamond tennis bracelet? 396 00:14:52,673 --> 00:14:54,806 Returned. 397 00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:57,243 The meat dress I bought off Lady Gaga? 398 00:14:57,243 --> 00:14:58,723 Cooked it for dinner. 399 00:14:58,723 --> 00:15:02,466 Really? You just made a $20,000 meat sauce. 400 00:15:02,466 --> 00:15:04,642 This isn't fair! Why you doing this to me? 401 00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:09,342 I'm trying to teach ya about personal responsibility! 402 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:12,867 The ex-stripper mobster's wife is gonna tell me, 403 00:15:12,867 --> 00:15:16,306 the CEO of Ass-Jax, about responsibility? 404 00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:18,482 Do not talk to me like that, young lady! 405 00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:20,353 My house, my rules! 406 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:22,355 Well, then maybe I won't live in your house, 407 00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:23,008 ya jealous cow! 408 00:15:23,008 --> 00:15:25,054 Where you goin'? 409 00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:28,622 THERESA: I'm takin' my operation overseas! 410 00:15:28,622 --> 00:15:31,321 And, by "overseas", I mean downtown. 411 00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:33,149 Go ahead and move out! 412 00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:34,628 You're never gonna make it! 413 00:15:34,628 --> 00:15:36,587 This town's gonna eat you alive! 414 00:15:36,587 --> 00:15:38,371 And your little dog, too! 415 00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:42,332 You're gonna come crawlin' back! You'll see! 416 00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:48,903 My baby! 417 00:15:48,903 --> 00:15:50,688 This meat sauce tastes like sweat. 418 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,089 Ma? How'd you find me? 419 00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:01,438 420 00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:02,395 Ah. Right. 421 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,832 THERESA: This is the living room... 422 00:16:04,832 --> 00:16:06,878 and this is a room for the Siamese. 423 00:16:06,878 --> 00:16:07,792 Your cats have their own room? 424 00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:11,839 What cats? 425 00:16:11,839 --> 00:16:12,971 THERESA: The one on the right doesn't 426 00:16:12,971 --> 00:16:13,754 actually work here. 427 00:16:13,754 --> 00:16:16,061 Po Po? 428 00:16:16,061 --> 00:16:19,195 Tea, special blend. 429 00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:21,240 What's with the munchkin? 430 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,808 That's Po Po, my Burmese manservant. 431 00:16:23,808 --> 00:16:26,202 He does what you do, only more and better. 432 00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:29,074 Theresa, I'm trying to mend fences here. 433 00:16:29,074 --> 00:16:30,336 I'm in a condo. 434 00:16:30,336 --> 00:16:32,556 435 00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:33,861 What's in there? 436 00:16:33,861 --> 00:16:37,909 The Ass-Jax nerve centre. 437 00:16:37,909 --> 00:16:39,476 Eat it, Koji-san! 438 00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:40,912 We're the ones with leverage! 439 00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:43,480 Don't make me Fukushima your face! 440 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,048 Mom, we're busy in here! 441 00:16:46,961 --> 00:16:49,399 GINA: 442 00:16:50,574 --> 00:16:52,837 Oh, this tea's tasty! 443 00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:54,056 It's a blend of jasmine, oolong, and 444 00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:57,581 great white shark semen. 445 00:16:57,581 --> 00:17:01,019 Theresa, I know you're mad at me, but I miss ya. 446 00:17:01,019 --> 00:17:02,977 I want ya to come home. 447 00:17:02,977 --> 00:17:04,979 I'll even take off the ankle cuff! 448 00:17:04,979 --> 00:17:06,807 Does this mean no more breathing down my neck 449 00:17:06,807 --> 00:17:08,635 and getting on my back about boys? 450 00:17:08,635 --> 00:17:10,028 We'll work it out. 451 00:17:10,028 --> 00:17:11,203 I'll try not to get on your case so much. 452 00:17:11,203 --> 00:17:14,337 But there's gotta be some give and take. 453 00:17:14,337 --> 00:17:17,427 It is kinda lonely here at the top. 454 00:17:17,427 --> 00:17:18,384 I'll think about it. 455 00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:20,691 Hold on. I gotta take this. 456 00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:21,909 It's my attorneys. 457 00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:24,608 Oh, God, I hope she comes to her senses. 458 00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:26,566 459 00:17:26,566 --> 00:17:28,090 460 00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:28,786 Minksy? 461 00:17:28,786 --> 00:17:31,441 Minksy, wake up! 462 00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:34,705 Yo, Minkso! Up and at 'em! Come on! 463 00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:36,707 Oh, great. You killed the freakin' dog! 464 00:17:36,707 --> 00:17:39,753 Now Theresa will never come home! 465 00:17:39,753 --> 00:17:43,496 Hm. 466 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:48,240 Nah. 467 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,808 Sorry, Minksy. Nothing personal. 468 00:17:53,158 --> 00:17:55,291 PO PO: 469 00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:57,380 Oh my God! 470 00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:59,251 Ma, what is wrong with you? 471 00:17:59,251 --> 00:18:01,166 You're tryin' to kill my dog, ya psycho? 472 00:18:01,166 --> 00:18:03,647 No, no, no! He's already dead! 473 00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:06,998 I'm just getting rid of-- 474 00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:09,566 I was right! You are a jealous cow! 475 00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:12,177 But to take it out on poor Minksy? 476 00:18:12,177 --> 00:18:13,787 Ya know, my lawyers told me to get 477 00:18:13,787 --> 00:18:14,788 legally emaciated. 478 00:18:14,788 --> 00:18:17,313 I wasn't gonna do it, but now I am! 479 00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:19,228 You're thin enough, young lady! 480 00:18:19,228 --> 00:18:20,751 No, wait. 481 00:18:20,751 --> 00:18:22,187 "Emancipated." 482 00:18:22,187 --> 00:18:23,188 It means I'm bein' freed from ya, 483 00:18:23,188 --> 00:18:26,496 like the slaves were in the '60s! 484 00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:28,541 You're... divorcing me? 485 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:33,546 That's it! 486 00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:34,460 COOKIE: Petey! Gina! Let's go! 487 00:18:34,460 --> 00:18:38,986 Hey, hey! They're still on the clock! 488 00:18:38,986 --> 00:18:40,771 Get in the car, now! 489 00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:42,033 This is kidnapping! 490 00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:45,558 They're my kids. I'll nap 'em all I want! 491 00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,473 Ha ha! Who got the leverage now, 492 00:18:47,473 --> 00:18:51,216 Petey-san? 493 00:18:55,655 --> 00:18:59,790 Here, let me get the rope. 494 00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:01,487 How do you do that? 495 00:19:01,487 --> 00:19:04,534 Do what? 496 00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:05,796 I got it! 497 00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:09,234 I can't wait to see them pictures! 498 00:19:09,234 --> 00:19:12,846 You can't wait to see naked pictures of McCool? 499 00:19:12,846 --> 00:19:14,413 What? I like photography. 500 00:19:15,501 --> 00:19:17,590 Now we're talkin'. 501 00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:18,678 It ain't a real heist unless you're 502 00:19:18,678 --> 00:19:20,202 spillin' blood. 503 00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:22,291 JIMMY: Crap! It's O'Shea! 504 00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:27,600 Ah, me darlin'! Let me show ya the end of me rainbow! 505 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,647 506 00:19:30,647 --> 00:19:31,952 Ya think they're doin' it? 507 00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:39,264 Hi, Petey. 508 00:19:39,264 --> 00:19:39,960 PETEY: Are you wearing Ass-Jax right now? 509 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,353 No. 510 00:19:41,353 --> 00:19:43,137 PETEY: Good, then it's safe to sit down. 511 00:19:43,137 --> 00:19:45,227 Check the link I sent you. 512 00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:49,448 513 00:19:49,448 --> 00:19:50,797 PETEY: The Ass-Jax are fine... 514 00:19:50,797 --> 00:19:52,277 until you try to sit down. 515 00:19:52,277 --> 00:19:54,888 516 00:19:54,888 --> 00:19:57,978 O...M...G! 517 00:19:57,978 --> 00:19:59,197 Ah! 518 00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:03,854 PETEY: There's so many lawsuits, I stopped counting! 519 00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:05,334 It's over, Theresa. 520 00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:06,813 What about my money? 521 00:20:06,813 --> 00:20:08,772 PETEY: If I were you, I'd put on a ball cap and sunglasses 522 00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,295 and get the hell out of that building, quick. 523 00:20:10,295 --> 00:20:15,082 Oh, Po Po. At least I'll always have you. 524 00:20:15,082 --> 00:20:17,650 Actually, my name is Edward, and my 525 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:18,564 paycheque bounced... 526 00:20:18,564 --> 00:20:20,784 so I ate your dog. 527 00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:29,836 528 00:20:29,836 --> 00:20:32,230 O'SHEA: Ahh! There! I'm done! 529 00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:33,579 Alright, me darlin'... 530 00:20:33,579 --> 00:20:37,714 back to Vegas with ya. 531 00:20:37,714 --> 00:20:40,760 Uh... Good morning, Premier O'Shea. 532 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:41,674 A few days ago, I inadvertently sent you 533 00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:44,155 some personal mail. 534 00:20:44,155 --> 00:20:45,548 I've come to apologize and 535 00:20:45,548 --> 00:20:47,854 beg your forgiveness. 536 00:20:47,854 --> 00:20:48,768 Grab it off the desk, boyo. 537 00:20:48,768 --> 00:20:51,162 I'm hittin' the showers. 538 00:20:51,162 --> 00:20:53,686 Can't run the government covered in body glitter, 539 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:57,473 smellin' like a Reno cathouse! 540 00:20:57,473 --> 00:20:59,126 Stompin' Tom Connors! 541 00:20:59,126 --> 00:21:00,606 What are you two doing in here? 542 00:21:00,606 --> 00:21:03,000 JIMMY: We was savin' your job. 543 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,958 You owe us one. 544 00:21:04,958 --> 00:21:07,047 Boy, listenin' to a guy hump all night 545 00:21:07,047 --> 00:21:09,006 sure makes you hungry. 546 00:21:09,006 --> 00:21:10,399 Wanna get some sausage? 547 00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:16,666 Why are you wet? It's not even raining! 548 00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:19,364 You were right, Ma! 549 00:21:19,364 --> 00:21:22,846 I'm crawlin' back, broke, homeless, and unemployed. 550 00:21:22,846 --> 00:21:25,414 Go ahead, say "I told ya so." 551 00:21:32,943 --> 00:21:34,858 Nah. I think you learned a bigger lesson than 552 00:21:34,858 --> 00:21:36,338 I ever coulda taught you. 553 00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:37,817 I sure did: 554 00:21:37,817 --> 00:21:38,905 I learned, if I'm gonna take 555 00:21:38,905 --> 00:21:41,430 a pregnancy test, I should do it 556 00:21:41,430 --> 00:21:43,214 at the mall bathroom. 557 00:21:43,214 --> 00:21:44,302 That's what ya got from this?! 558 00:21:44,302 --> 00:21:46,913 Nothing about being responsible and thinkin' 559 00:21:46,913 --> 00:21:47,436 before ya do stuff? 560 00:21:47,436 --> 00:21:50,482 Uh... Nope. 561 00:21:50,482 --> 00:21:52,092 Ah, forget it. 562 00:21:52,092 --> 00:21:54,138 I'm just glad you're back. 563 00:21:54,138 --> 00:21:55,661 THERESA: Oh, boy. 564 00:21:55,661 --> 00:21:57,576 565 00:21:57,576 --> 00:21:59,361 It's good to be home.