1
00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:03,176
How'ya doin'?

2
00:00:03,176 --> 00:00:05,526
I'm Jimmy Falcone,
now known as McDougal.

3
00:00:05,526 --> 00:00:08,094
They say there's two things
ya can't avoid in life:

4
00:00:08,094 --> 00:00:10,053
death and taxes.

5
00:00:10,053 --> 00:00:12,011
...wiseguys don't pay taxes,

6
00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:15,319
which only leaves death.

7
00:00:15,319 --> 00:00:17,103
Back in the old neighborhood,

8
00:00:17,103 --> 00:00:19,410
the funeral home was
doin' great business.

9
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:24,371
The guy who ran the place
was rollin' in dough.

10
00:00:24,371 --> 00:00:26,982
Strutted around like he owned
the freakin' neighborhood.

11
00:00:26,982 --> 00:00:31,248
So, we took over the joint.

12
00:00:31,248 --> 00:00:33,728
You're fired.

13
00:00:33,728 --> 00:00:35,208
[screaming]

14
00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:43,869
At first it was great,
but after a while,

15
00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:46,698
my guys were so busy
workin' funerals,

16
00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:49,135
none of 'em were out on the
street causin' the funerals.

17
00:00:53,879 --> 00:00:57,535
I realized ya can be a
gangster or an undertaker,

18
00:00:57,535 --> 00:00:58,318
but ya can't be both.

19
00:01:02,235 --> 00:01:04,498
Now I live in
Regina, Saskatchewan,

20
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:07,501
which is about as much
fun as a funeral home.

21
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,808
...and it's got
more stiffs!

22
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:11,592
I actually find
Regina relaxing.

23
00:01:11,592 --> 00:01:14,334
Petey, this
town's D.O.A.

24
00:01:14,334 --> 00:01:16,467
Fugget about it.

25
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:17,642
♪ Let me tell
you something ♪

26
00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:18,773
♪ 'Bout a friend of
ours named Jimmy ♪

27
00:01:18,773 --> 00:01:22,647
♪ Made wise guy and
a capo with the Gambini ♪

28
00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:23,430
♪ When he found out
that they'd be ♪

29
00:01:23,430 --> 00:01:24,475
♪ Whackin'
Uncle Cheech ♪

30
00:01:24,475 --> 00:01:26,738
♪ He take the boss,
he threw him ♪

31
00:01:26,738 --> 00:01:28,043
♪ From the nineteenth-
floor suite ♪

32
00:01:28,043 --> 00:01:30,742
♪ Wasn't much long 'til the
mob all wants him dead ♪

33
00:01:30,742 --> 00:01:34,746
♪ So Jimmy had no choice
but to talk to all the feds ♪

34
00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:37,444
♪ The feds say they'll help if
they could use him as a pawn ♪

35
00:01:37,444 --> 00:01:38,967
♪ So he ratted
out his friends ♪

36
00:01:38,967 --> 00:01:40,055
♪ And moved to
Saskatchewan ♪

37
00:01:40,055 --> 00:01:41,840
♪ Fugget about it

38
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,146
♪ Fugget about it!

39
00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:44,495
♪ Fugget about it♪

40
00:01:44,495 --> 00:01:45,670
Oh! Fugget
about it!

41
00:01:49,152 --> 00:01:52,633
...and I am sick and
tired of your shenanigans!

42
00:01:52,633 --> 00:01:54,505
Every time you and Cheech get
into one of your mishaps,

43
00:01:54,505 --> 00:01:57,508
Canadian taxpayers
have to foot the bill!

44
00:01:57,508 --> 00:01:59,771
You're makin' a mountain
outta moleskin, McCool.

45
00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:01,642
Calm down!

46
00:02:01,642 --> 00:02:02,687
I will not!

47
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:05,603
You are on very thin
ice here, Jimmy.

48
00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:07,866
Okay, okay, I see
what this is about.

49
00:02:07,866 --> 00:02:08,910
How much we talkin'?

50
00:02:08,910 --> 00:02:11,086
That is hardly going
to cover the cost

51
00:02:11,086 --> 00:02:12,697
of this latest debacle!

52
00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:13,872
What debacle?

53
00:02:13,872 --> 00:02:15,787
It's a coupla cows!

54
00:02:15,787 --> 00:02:17,484
This is gonna be great!

55
00:02:17,484 --> 00:02:19,530
We're gonna have
steak on demand!

56
00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:22,272
I pumped 'em fulla steroids
so they're extra-beefy.

57
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,752
[rumbling]

58
00:02:24,752 --> 00:02:27,146
[mooing]

59
00:02:28,321 --> 00:02:29,801
[moo]

60
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:31,542
Sorry Jimmy,
but my superiors

61
00:02:31,542 --> 00:02:33,892
were very clear
on the matter![moo]

62
00:02:33,892 --> 00:02:36,416
One more mistake...
One more hi-jink...

63
00:02:36,416 --> 00:02:37,896
[moo]

64
00:02:37,896 --> 00:02:39,898
One more incident and
you will be expelled

65
00:02:39,898 --> 00:02:42,117
from witness protection!

66
00:02:42,117 --> 00:02:42,857
Good day to you, sir!

67
00:02:42,857 --> 00:02:45,556
For Canada!

68
00:02:45,556 --> 00:02:48,820
Where there is a limit to
the taxpayer's good will!

69
00:02:48,820 --> 00:02:49,734
[sonic boom]

70
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:52,215
[mooing]

71
00:02:55,435 --> 00:02:57,611
You guys won't
believe what happened!

72
00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:58,960
Petey got a date?

73
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:02,007
Pfft! No!
I got a summer job!

74
00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:03,138
No way!Good for you, kid!

75
00:03:03,138 --> 00:03:05,619
I remember
my first job...

76
00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:12,278
I made a mint off that
blue-tinted peanut brittle!

77
00:03:12,278 --> 00:03:13,801
What kinda job is it?

78
00:03:13,801 --> 00:03:15,325
That's what I wanna know,
but Theresa won't tell me!

79
00:03:15,325 --> 00:03:17,152
Well, I could
tell you...

80
00:03:17,152 --> 00:03:20,330
Or... I could show you.

81
00:03:22,201 --> 00:03:23,246
I don't like this...

82
00:03:23,246 --> 00:03:25,726
Suppose her summer
job is whackin' us!

83
00:03:25,726 --> 00:03:27,511
You been drinkin'
paint thinner again?

84
00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:28,860
Think about it.

85
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:30,644
She tricks us with
this b.s. job story,

86
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:33,430
drives us to the middle
of nowhere and pow!

87
00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:34,213
Remind me to compliment her

88
00:03:34,213 --> 00:03:36,998
before I put one
in her temple.

89
00:03:36,998 --> 00:03:40,001
That's my first-born
you're talkin' about.

90
00:03:40,001 --> 00:03:42,395
If anyone's gonna
shoot her, it'll be me.

91
00:03:42,395 --> 00:03:43,353
Alright, take off
the blindfolds.

92
00:03:46,094 --> 00:03:47,444
Holy crap!

93
00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:49,533
We're all the way
back in New York!

94
00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:51,143
Theresa,
were you speedin'?

95
00:03:51,143 --> 00:03:52,057
What did we say about
speedin', young lady!

96
00:03:52,057 --> 00:03:54,320
It's like a dream...

97
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,191
except mama's not
chasin' me with a knife.

98
00:03:56,191 --> 00:03:58,237
[tires squealing]

99
00:03:58,237 --> 00:04:00,370
I knew it!
She set us up!

100
00:04:02,937 --> 00:04:05,157
[loud crash]

101
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:11,076
Ah, it's good to be back!

102
00:04:11,076 --> 00:04:12,512
And... cut!

103
00:04:12,512 --> 00:04:13,426
What?

104
00:04:15,602 --> 00:04:17,169
That's a wrap![bell rings]

105
00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:18,518
We're not actually
in New York.

106
00:04:18,518 --> 00:04:21,826
I got a job on a
big Hollywood movie

107
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,828
filming right here
in Regina!

108
00:04:23,828 --> 00:04:25,438
So this is a set?
What's the movie?

109
00:04:25,438 --> 00:04:29,094
It's called "Wiseguys
Versus Aliens".

110
00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:30,487
Sounds arty-farty.

111
00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:32,663
Wait, was there a
casting couch involved

112
00:04:32,663 --> 00:04:33,794
when you got hired?

113
00:04:33,794 --> 00:04:35,796
No, I'm just
an assistant.

114
00:04:35,796 --> 00:04:37,581
It's actually
a really easy job.

115
00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:41,062
Standing around all day
sure is hard on your feet.

116
00:04:41,062 --> 00:04:44,239
Please, take my chair,
I'll sit on the floor.

117
00:04:44,239 --> 00:04:46,024
Aw, thanks Mr. Spielberg!

118
00:04:46,024 --> 00:04:47,330
I better get to work.

119
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:49,723
I got ten long hours
of sittin', eatin',

120
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,029
and textin' ahead of me.

121
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:53,640
Kid sounds like an
old pro already.

122
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:55,033
C'mon, let's take
a look around.

123
00:04:57,252 --> 00:04:59,864
Wait, I know this door...

124
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,996
Rizzo!

125
00:05:01,996 --> 00:05:03,476
Open up or I'll
break your legs!

126
00:05:03,476 --> 00:05:04,869
You still owe me a c-note!

127
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:08,394
Rizzo! Rizzo!

128
00:05:08,394 --> 00:05:11,005
Rizzo's been dead for
ten years, ya moron!

129
00:05:11,005 --> 00:05:12,485
[crackling]

130
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:17,925
Nice try, Rizzo!

131
00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:23,714
[doorbell]

132
00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:25,455
What do you want, Kojak?

133
00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:27,282
I ain't touchin' that.

134
00:05:27,282 --> 00:05:28,414
What is it?

135
00:05:28,414 --> 00:05:30,851
I'm talkin' to you,
Professor X!

136
00:05:30,851 --> 00:05:32,984
Wait Gina, that's
a Buddhist monk.

137
00:05:32,984 --> 00:05:34,202
He don't talk.

138
00:05:34,202 --> 00:05:35,856
I think he's on mute.

139
00:05:35,856 --> 00:05:37,554
It's called a vow of silence.

140
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,294
"Dear Parent or Guardian.

141
00:05:39,294 --> 00:05:42,080
A vision has foretold
that a child in this home

142
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,082
may be the reincarnation
of the Bali Lama."

143
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:46,693
The who-the-what-now?

144
00:05:46,693 --> 00:05:48,260
The Bali Lama.

145
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:49,653
It's just like the Dalai Lama,
except from Bali.

146
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:52,046
Wow.

147
00:05:52,046 --> 00:05:52,873
I always knew I was special,
but not this special.

148
00:05:52,873 --> 00:05:58,009
I am honoured.

149
00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,532
What? Her?

150
00:05:59,532 --> 00:06:01,752
Oh, you gotta
be [beep]in' me!

151
00:06:01,752 --> 00:06:04,363
"High priests will soon arrive

152
00:06:04,363 --> 00:06:06,670
"to determine the
veracity of the vision.

153
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:08,062
Please prepare."

154
00:06:08,062 --> 00:06:10,500
I ain't givin' no priests
no eye test, ya got it?

155
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,892
Now get the hell
outta here!

156
00:06:13,154 --> 00:06:15,330
Jackpot.
Fifty G's!

157
00:06:15,330 --> 00:06:16,810
That's
Indonesian money.

158
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:17,768
It's only worth
five bucks.

159
00:06:17,768 --> 00:06:21,162
Says the guy who is
not the Baldy Lama.

160
00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:28,431
Jesus! Canadian coffee
tastes like dishwater

161
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:30,302
filtered through
dirty underpants.

162
00:06:30,302 --> 00:06:33,000
[crash]Get me an espresso!

163
00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:38,310
Y'know, I could get used
to all this movie magic.

164
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:41,705
And by magic I mean
free sandwiches.

165
00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:43,010
Hey look at this!

166
00:06:43,010 --> 00:06:46,274
I've been here ten minutes
and already I got a trailer!

167
00:06:46,274 --> 00:06:48,146
Why do you get a trailer?

168
00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:49,408
What kinda low-rent
flick is this?

169
00:06:53,107 --> 00:06:56,197
[moaning]Hey, get outta my trailer!

170
00:06:56,197 --> 00:06:57,982
If anyone should
be bangin' a bimbo

171
00:06:57,982 --> 00:06:59,679
in that Winnebago,
it's me!

172
00:06:59,679 --> 00:07:01,376
Relax, it's probably
just some guy

173
00:07:01,376 --> 00:07:02,813
with the same name
as you.

174
00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:04,118
Ya mean like my evil twin?

175
00:07:04,118 --> 00:07:05,555
Cheech, look back on your life.

176
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:08,427
If you was twins, you
would not be the good one.

177
00:07:08,427 --> 00:07:09,950
Freakin' goody two-shoes.

178
00:07:09,950 --> 00:07:11,865
Always stealin' my girls.

179
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,040
Did I ever tell you
ladies about the time

180
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:16,043
when my nephew
Jimmy Falcone

181
00:07:16,043 --> 00:07:18,219
whacked the D.A.
with a frozen fish?

182
00:07:18,219 --> 00:07:19,177
We knew the cops were
gonna be onto us,

183
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:21,527
so to get rid of the evidence...

184
00:07:21,527 --> 00:07:23,355
we ate the fish!

185
00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:24,791
[laughter]Hoh! What are you
talkin' about?

186
00:07:24,791 --> 00:07:26,184
What just happened?

187
00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:28,752
I never met that
guy in my life!

188
00:07:28,752 --> 00:07:30,101
And I never killed
nobody with a fish...

189
00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:32,799
I just fed 'em to live ones.

190
00:07:32,799 --> 00:07:33,844
This is identical theft.

191
00:07:33,844 --> 00:07:36,803
The son of a bitch is
pretendin' he's me!

192
00:07:36,803 --> 00:07:38,283
And he's not even
as handsome.

193
00:07:41,373 --> 00:07:42,983
Yo Petey, I been
thinkin' about it.

194
00:07:42,983 --> 00:07:45,203
I'm gonna do this thing.

195
00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:45,812
Ya know with
the Butt Monkeys.

196
00:07:45,812 --> 00:07:47,988
Buddhist Monks?

197
00:07:47,988 --> 00:07:49,381
Yeah, that's the one.

198
00:07:49,381 --> 00:07:51,905
Religion's a cash-grab
and I want a piece.

199
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:53,733
I just need to fool
them Monks long enough

200
00:07:53,733 --> 00:07:55,692
to start bilkin'
my followers.

201
00:07:55,692 --> 00:07:57,258
You know what?
I think I'll help you.

202
00:07:57,258 --> 00:08:00,871
You? Mr. Squeaky
Clean No-Balls? Why?

203
00:08:00,871 --> 00:08:05,223
Because I think the simple,
gentle wisdom of the Buddha

204
00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:07,355
may just penetrate
your heart,

205
00:08:07,355 --> 00:08:10,533
like water through
cracks in stone.

206
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,752
Whatever, but if
ya screw this up,

207
00:08:12,752 --> 00:08:14,537
I'm gonna crack
you with a stone.

208
00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:21,892
Alright Jimmy, I'm callin'
in every favour you owe me.

209
00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:23,284
Help me whack this scumbag.

210
00:08:23,284 --> 00:08:25,199
Since when do I owe
you any favours?

211
00:08:25,199 --> 00:08:27,071
He's disrespectin'
the Falcone name

212
00:08:27,071 --> 00:08:28,376
and he's making
money off it!

213
00:08:28,376 --> 00:08:30,161
Which kinda makes me
respect the guy.

214
00:08:32,293 --> 00:08:34,208
Cheech, what the
hell are ya doin'?

215
00:08:34,208 --> 00:08:36,559
Phony Cheech is
about to go to work

216
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,649
for "Industrial
Light and Tragic".

217
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:40,780
[gasp]

218
00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:42,565
Theresa, watch out!

219
00:08:43,609 --> 00:08:44,392
[screams]

220
00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:46,786
[screams]

221
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:51,356
It's okay! It's okay!
Theresa's fine!

222
00:08:51,356 --> 00:08:53,663
[crowd cheers]

223
00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:56,187
Yeah, we're gonna need
five more Canadians.

224
00:08:57,884 --> 00:08:59,277
Alright, ya moron.

225
00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:00,670
How'd you steal
my face?

226
00:09:00,670 --> 00:09:01,496
Whoa...
Cheech Falcone!

227
00:09:01,496 --> 00:09:04,325
What are you doin' here?
And Jimmy!

228
00:09:04,325 --> 00:09:06,327
Since we're playin'
the name game,

229
00:09:06,327 --> 00:09:08,155
ya mind tellin' us yours?

230
00:09:08,155 --> 00:09:09,287
So we can put it
on your tombstone?

231
00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:13,378
It's me.
Enzo, from Brooklyn!

232
00:09:13,378 --> 00:09:14,814
Narrow it down a little.

233
00:09:14,814 --> 00:09:15,815
I know like, fifty
Enzos from Brooklyn.

234
00:09:15,815 --> 00:09:18,252
Enzo Pistone!

235
00:09:18,252 --> 00:09:20,428
I ran Pistone's
Pizzatorium!

236
00:09:20,428 --> 00:09:22,300
You guys ordered
from me all the time.

237
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,084
Why you interpersonatin'
Cheech?

238
00:09:24,084 --> 00:09:25,651
It's like this.

239
00:09:25,651 --> 00:09:28,088
I always wanted to be
a director in Hollywood,

240
00:09:28,088 --> 00:09:29,916
but who's gonna hire a guy
who smells like anchovies?

241
00:09:29,916 --> 00:09:32,353
So take a shower.

242
00:09:32,353 --> 00:09:34,486
When you guys disappeared,
I got an idea.

243
00:09:34,486 --> 00:09:36,923
I moved to L.A.,
shaved my head,

244
00:09:36,923 --> 00:09:40,535
slapped on a moustache and
pretended to be Cheech.

245
00:09:40,535 --> 00:09:42,886
What are you, insane?
Why Cheech?

246
00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:45,192
There's no way I could
pull off being you Jimmy.

247
00:09:45,192 --> 00:09:46,585
I don't smoke!

248
00:09:46,585 --> 00:09:49,327
Anyway, I got a job as an
advisor on Mob movies.

249
00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:53,374
They call me
"Il Consultiari".

250
00:09:53,374 --> 00:09:55,376
What the hell do you know
about bein' a goodfella?

251
00:09:55,376 --> 00:09:56,769
Nothing.

252
00:09:56,769 --> 00:09:58,771
I just tell them stuff I
know from other mob movies.

253
00:09:58,771 --> 00:10:01,731
Bada-boom! Bada-bing!
I'ma gonna shoota you!

254
00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:03,646
I'ma shoota you!

255
00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:08,302
You do realize there's
a contract out on Cheech.

256
00:10:08,302 --> 00:10:11,044
So what?
I'm in Hollywood.

257
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,002
They're great
at keeping secrets.

258
00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:13,394
Especially once you
join Scientology.

259
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,703
What's this?

260
00:10:17,703 --> 00:10:19,879
Oh, it's a
sweet gig, Jimmy.

261
00:10:19,879 --> 00:10:22,316
I get free food,
they pay me in cash,

262
00:10:22,316 --> 00:10:24,231
I got a fancy car to drive

263
00:10:24,231 --> 00:10:26,538
and a hotel room
you wouldn't believe!

264
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:27,365
Congrats Enzo.

265
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:29,976
You just got
some partners.

266
00:10:29,976 --> 00:10:30,455
He had me at free food.

267
00:10:34,198 --> 00:10:37,114
This is called a sand mandala.

268
00:10:37,114 --> 00:10:39,769
It's an exercise in the
transitory nature of life.

269
00:10:41,988 --> 00:10:45,557
I guess it's pretty easy
to impress them Boobists.

270
00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:47,428
Mother[beep]!

271
00:10:47,428 --> 00:10:50,170
Why'd ya do that?
Now I gotta start over!

272
00:10:50,170 --> 00:10:53,304
Gina, the picture is
no longer a picture,

273
00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:55,959
but the sand remains sand.

274
00:10:57,221 --> 00:11:01,399
[♪♪]

275
00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:04,228
Petey, use your
freakin' head!

276
00:11:04,228 --> 00:11:06,883
This kindergarten crap
ain't gonna cut it.

277
00:11:06,883 --> 00:11:08,406
If we're gonna
impress these Monks,

278
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:09,973
we gotta do somethin' big.

279
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:12,236
Like a steak dinner
and a couple of hookers!

280
00:11:14,455 --> 00:11:17,284
Alright, Enzo, here's the deal.

281
00:11:17,284 --> 00:11:19,634
Me and Cookie are gonna
spend a couple of nights here

282
00:11:19,634 --> 00:11:20,461
livin' in the lapse of luxury.

283
00:11:20,461 --> 00:11:23,029
And I'm gonna live
in your trailer.

284
00:11:23,029 --> 00:11:24,727
I mean my trailer.

285
00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:26,729
Where am I supposed to sleep?

286
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:27,251
They gave ya a car,
didn't they?

287
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:29,557
I'm above-the-line.

288
00:11:29,557 --> 00:11:32,386
I can't sleep in my car like,
ah, some kind of Teamster.

289
00:11:32,386 --> 00:11:34,258
Enzo, don't kid yourself.

290
00:11:34,258 --> 00:11:35,172
Your days in Tinseltown
are numbered.

291
00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:37,652
I saw a clip from this

292
00:11:37,652 --> 00:11:39,654
flopperoni pizza
you're cookin' up.

293
00:11:39,654 --> 00:11:41,178
I'ma gonna shoota you!

294
00:11:43,789 --> 00:11:45,182
Agh!

295
00:11:46,487 --> 00:11:47,793
Dont look at me!

296
00:11:47,793 --> 00:11:49,229
It's them hack
Hollywood writers!

297
00:11:50,491 --> 00:11:52,363
[laughter]

298
00:11:52,363 --> 00:11:54,713
[♪♪]

299
00:11:54,713 --> 00:11:56,149
Whoa!
[laughs]

300
00:11:58,978 --> 00:12:00,806
[laughter]

301
00:12:00,806 --> 00:12:02,373
Agh!

302
00:12:04,505 --> 00:12:08,335
[laughter]

303
00:12:08,335 --> 00:12:10,816
[♪♪]

304
00:12:10,816 --> 00:12:11,425
[giggles][sigh]

305
00:12:13,819 --> 00:12:16,126
Ahh...

306
00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:17,257
Hey!

307
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:19,607
Agh!

308
00:12:21,609 --> 00:12:23,263
[grunt] [car crash]

309
00:12:23,263 --> 00:12:25,178
[laughter]

310
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:28,703
[honks]

311
00:12:28,703 --> 00:12:31,228
[honking]

312
00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:35,362
[hissing]

313
00:12:35,362 --> 00:12:37,451
[snoring]

314
00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:42,805
This is so much fun!

315
00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:44,763
I ain't been this
relaxed in months.

316
00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:48,288
Exploitin' another human
being for my own amusement

317
00:12:48,288 --> 00:12:50,073
just melts the tension.

318
00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:51,161
[knocking]

319
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:53,641
Must be the bellhop
with the new bed.

320
00:12:53,641 --> 00:12:54,947
Took him long enough.

321
00:12:56,731 --> 00:12:58,168
Oh! Ah! Ah!

322
00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:02,607
Is that the guy whose
car we hit with the TV?

323
00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:04,391
Nah, Canucks don't shoot!

324
00:13:04,391 --> 00:13:06,567
They just give ya a
respectful talkin'-to.

325
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:08,918
I think Hollywood
Enzo ratted us out!

326
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:13,313
Why we runnin'?

327
00:13:13,313 --> 00:13:13,923
You coulda took that guy.

328
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:16,708
I left my gun in my pants!

329
00:13:16,708 --> 00:13:17,535
Like you need a gun.

330
00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:20,233
True.
But I don't fight naked.

331
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,626
Learned that lesson
from One-Nut Nunzio.

332
00:13:23,106 --> 00:13:24,281
Ah! Ah!

333
00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:25,848
[wolf whistle]

334
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:27,588
Turn around.

335
00:13:27,588 --> 00:13:29,721
I don't want the whole world
seein' your cans and my sausage.

336
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:35,031
[sobbing]

337
00:13:38,904 --> 00:13:39,296
[gasp]

338
00:13:41,428 --> 00:13:44,997
Whoa, memory foam really works!

339
00:13:44,997 --> 00:13:46,259
I'm still not tippin' him.

340
00:13:51,003 --> 00:13:53,397
You tried to have me killed!

341
00:13:53,397 --> 00:13:55,138
What are you
talking about?

342
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,401
Don't act all innocent
ya little rat!

343
00:13:57,401 --> 00:13:59,446
You called the mob
on me, didn't ya?

344
00:13:59,446 --> 00:14:01,013
Really?
Why would I do that?

345
00:14:01,013 --> 00:14:04,364
I might be a liar and a faker,
but I ain't no back-stabber.

346
00:14:04,364 --> 00:14:07,019
If I was, I'd already
be directing movies.

347
00:14:07,019 --> 00:14:10,501
Well watch your back,
Francis Fraud Coppola,

348
00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:11,894
'coz someone's after ya.

349
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:13,852
A guy just shot up
your hotel room!

350
00:14:13,852 --> 00:14:15,549
Time for me
to make my exit.

351
00:14:15,549 --> 00:14:17,247
If that guy went
to the hotel,

352
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:18,639
he'll probably go
to my trailer next.

353
00:14:20,032 --> 00:14:22,643
Cheech!
We gotta warn Cheech!

354
00:14:22,643 --> 00:14:24,994
[thumping music]

355
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,607
Oh no, Cheech!

356
00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:31,914
My uncle...
My friend...

357
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:34,655
My bookie.

358
00:14:34,655 --> 00:14:38,268
[sobbing]
That mooch owed
me twenty grand!

359
00:14:41,358 --> 00:14:43,708
[sobbing]

360
00:14:43,708 --> 00:14:45,014
Ya happy now,
pizza guy?

361
00:14:45,014 --> 00:14:46,754
Ya got my uncle killed!

362
00:14:46,754 --> 00:14:51,194
Sure, he mighta been a
moron, but he was my moron!

363
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:53,457
Aw Jimmy, there'll be
other morons, you'll see.

364
00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:55,285
Not like Cheech there won't!

365
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:57,461
When they made him,
they broke the mould.

366
00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:58,549
Probably in shame,
but still!

367
00:14:58,549 --> 00:15:02,422
I swear to God, if I had
my gun, I'd shoot ya.

368
00:15:02,422 --> 00:15:05,382
But as it stands...
I gotta choke ya.

369
00:15:05,382 --> 00:15:05,686
I don't know about gotta.

370
00:15:05,686 --> 00:15:08,820
[gasping]

371
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:10,343
What'd he do?

372
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:11,823
Stay outta this, Cheech!

373
00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:14,434
Cheech!

374
00:15:14,434 --> 00:15:15,783
I thought you was dead!Dead?

375
00:15:15,783 --> 00:15:19,918
Nah, I just went out for some
chewin' gum and condoms.

376
00:15:19,918 --> 00:15:21,789
Canadian gum tastes
like rubber.

377
00:15:22,616 --> 00:15:25,228
[gasp]
Marone! My girls!

378
00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:26,620
They were all in there!

379
00:15:26,620 --> 00:15:29,014
Candy, Sherri,
Britney and Ethel!

380
00:15:29,014 --> 00:15:30,102
Poor Ethel.

381
00:15:30,102 --> 00:15:31,886
She was ugly, Jimmy,

382
00:15:31,886 --> 00:15:34,150
but...willing...
so willing!

383
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:41,026
It's true!

384
00:15:41,026 --> 00:15:45,161
My little sister is the
reincarnation of the Bali Lama!

385
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:47,946
That's Ms. Bali Lama to you.

386
00:15:47,946 --> 00:15:50,166
How did you do that?

387
00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:52,342
Gina, you can't
fool those Monks.

388
00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:55,519
You're either the
Lama or you're not!

389
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:58,696
When them guys get here,
keep your mouth shut,

390
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,524
or the Queen of Peace
is gonna cut ya.

391
00:16:03,570 --> 00:16:04,310
Jimmy, we need to call McCool.

392
00:16:04,310 --> 00:16:07,226
No way, McCool's
been on my case

393
00:16:07,226 --> 00:16:09,315
and I don't wanna
rock the boat.

394
00:16:09,315 --> 00:16:10,751
I can handle this.

395
00:16:10,751 --> 00:16:12,971
But what if the Hitman
recognized us at the hotel?

396
00:16:12,971 --> 00:16:15,234
It was dark, we was naked.

397
00:16:15,234 --> 00:16:17,715
Trust me, he wasn't
lookin' at our faces.

398
00:16:17,715 --> 00:16:19,673
I think I'm gonna
go back to L.A.

399
00:16:19,673 --> 00:16:21,675
to focus on
my directing career.

400
00:16:21,675 --> 00:16:22,589
If I ever get a movie made,

401
00:16:22,589 --> 00:16:25,288
I'll invite ya's
all to the premiere.

402
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:26,637
I'll need a "plus four".

403
00:16:26,637 --> 00:16:28,552
Ethel and the girls are
gonna need some cheerin' up

404
00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:30,119
when they get outta
the burn ward.

405
00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:32,295
You ain't goin' nowhere.

406
00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:34,427
You're layin' low here

407
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,429
until we're sure that
hitman's outta town.

408
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,040
And the kids should
stay home, too.

409
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,693
Theresa!

410
00:16:39,693 --> 00:16:40,738
She's at work.

411
00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:42,566
James Cameron gave her a lift.

412
00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:43,480
Nice guy, drives a submarine.

413
00:16:46,787 --> 00:16:49,007
[sigh]

414
00:16:51,792 --> 00:16:52,924
Ah...

415
00:16:53,968 --> 00:16:56,710
Ooh!
Pretty.

416
00:16:56,710 --> 00:16:58,364
Ugh!

417
00:16:58,364 --> 00:17:00,758
Stop moving,
stupid necklace!

418
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:06,198
Funny - Whenever
I'm in this position,

419
00:17:06,198 --> 00:17:07,721
there's a necklace
involved.

420
00:17:10,594 --> 00:17:11,899
[phone rings]

421
00:17:11,899 --> 00:17:12,987
Hello?

422
00:17:12,987 --> 00:17:14,206
THERESA:
Um, Daddy?

423
00:17:14,206 --> 00:17:16,817
There's a man here who
says he's gonna shoot me

424
00:17:16,817 --> 00:17:18,819
unless you and Cheech
give yourselves up.

425
00:17:18,819 --> 00:17:20,908
Oh, and did you know
there's a guy on this movie

426
00:17:20,908 --> 00:17:22,432
named Cheech Falcone?

427
00:17:22,432 --> 00:17:23,955
Weird, huh?

428
00:17:23,955 --> 00:17:26,610
You tell that son of a bitch
not to lay a finger on you.

429
00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:30,004
Hurry Daddy! He's
treatin' me real brutal.

430
00:17:30,004 --> 00:17:31,484
[Jimmy shouting]
What did he do to you?

431
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:34,922
He took away my chair and
won't give me a latté.

432
00:17:34,922 --> 00:17:36,533
Man that kid's really
gone Hollywood.

433
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:41,668
If bullets start flyin',
Cheech, you hit the deck.

434
00:17:41,668 --> 00:17:42,191
Enzo, you're my human shield.

435
00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:45,194
Okay...
Wait, what?

436
00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:46,020
It means he trusts you.

437
00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:48,284
[horse neighs]

438
00:17:48,284 --> 00:17:50,024
Whatever it is, McCool,
I don't have time!

439
00:17:50,024 --> 00:17:52,375
There's been a number
of incidents, Jimmy.

440
00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:54,507
A hotel shooting, an
explosion on a movie set.

441
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:57,249
Please tell me
you're not involved.

442
00:17:58,250 --> 00:18:00,470
Define involved.

443
00:18:02,428 --> 00:18:05,475
So instead of reporting the
possible breach of security,

444
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:08,347
you exploit the situation
for some cheap thrills!

445
00:18:08,347 --> 00:18:10,523
And free food.
Don't forget the free food.

446
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,699
I have to call in the
Special Tactical team!

447
00:18:12,699 --> 00:18:15,485
This is going to cost thousands!

448
00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:17,835
Jimmy, I am so angry
with you I could...

449
00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:20,011
[rumbling]

450
00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:21,186
[scream]

451
00:18:21,186 --> 00:18:23,188
[sonic boom]

452
00:18:23,188 --> 00:18:26,060
Jeez, I thought Canadians
were supposed to be nice.

453
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:30,282
And you can kiss witness
protection goodbye.

454
00:18:30,282 --> 00:18:31,675
Even if we get the
hitman, every goodfella

455
00:18:31,675 --> 00:18:34,547
in North America will
be gunning for you!

456
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:35,331
Or will they?

457
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:38,986
Gentlemen,
I's got an idea.

458
00:18:43,991 --> 00:18:45,906
And?
Spit it out, Scorsese.

459
00:18:45,906 --> 00:18:51,303
Jimmy, first rule of
directing: Dramatic tension.

460
00:18:51,303 --> 00:18:53,958
Oh, right...
I don't get it.

461
00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:01,444
"The high priests apologize.

462
00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:03,446
The vision was mistaken."

463
00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:05,187
No! The vision was right!

464
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:07,101
I'm the freakin' Bali Lama.

465
00:19:07,101 --> 00:19:08,015
I swear to God!

466
00:19:08,015 --> 00:19:10,061
You guys believe in God, right?

467
00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:12,629
'Coz I'm him...her...it.

468
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:17,895
You need a mint.

469
00:19:17,895 --> 00:19:26,164
[♪♪]

470
00:19:26,164 --> 00:19:28,601
[giddy laughter]

471
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:29,820
Stupid girl!

472
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:32,257
You're not the Bali Lama,

473
00:19:32,257 --> 00:19:34,694
you're the embodiment of evil!

474
00:19:34,694 --> 00:19:37,175
Ah [beep]!

475
00:19:37,175 --> 00:19:39,264
A thirty year vow of silence
down the crapper!

476
00:19:39,264 --> 00:19:41,397
Ow!
What did I do?

477
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:44,095
I hope you get
reincarnated

478
00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:47,098
as a tapeworm in
a starving donkey!

479
00:19:48,882 --> 00:19:50,275
Gina... Look.

480
00:19:50,275 --> 00:19:51,537
They had the right vision,
but the wrong address!

481
00:19:51,537 --> 00:19:53,974
Should we tell him
to come back?

482
00:19:53,974 --> 00:19:55,802
Nah, [beep] that guy.

483
00:20:00,590 --> 00:20:02,113
Hi, Daddy.

484
00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:03,941
Hi, honey.

485
00:20:03,941 --> 00:20:05,638
We'll have ya out
of there in a minute.

486
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:06,378
[whispers]

487
00:20:06,378 --> 00:20:08,337
He says to drop your guns!

488
00:20:08,337 --> 00:20:11,209
First he lets you go!

489
00:20:11,209 --> 00:20:12,645
[whispers]Guns first!

490
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:15,561
Why doesn't he just
tell us himself?

491
00:20:15,561 --> 00:20:17,911
[whispers]

492
00:20:17,911 --> 00:20:21,263
He's self-conscious
about his accent!

493
00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:23,917
[whispers]And he likes my perfume!

494
00:20:27,486 --> 00:20:30,402
[cocks gun]

495
00:20:30,402 --> 00:20:32,883
Wait! I believe this is
the man you're looking for!

496
00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:35,755
You were sent here to
kill Cheech Falcone

497
00:20:35,755 --> 00:20:38,236
and this is
Cheech Falcone!

498
00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:41,848
You bastard!

499
00:20:41,848 --> 00:20:44,024
You got my best friend
killed...again!

500
00:20:44,024 --> 00:20:46,418
So what?

501
00:20:46,418 --> 00:20:49,726
You morons ruined a perfectly
good scam I had going!

502
00:20:49,726 --> 00:20:51,554
I'ma gonna shoot you!

503
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:52,642
Agh!

504
00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:55,209
[screaming]

505
00:20:55,209 --> 00:21:03,740
[bell tolling]

506
00:21:05,350 --> 00:21:06,656
They are all dead.

507
00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:13,315
[creaking]

508
00:21:15,665 --> 00:21:17,493
Enzo, ya might be a
terrible technical adviser,

509
00:21:17,493 --> 00:21:20,191
but you are one
hell of a director!

510
00:21:20,191 --> 00:21:21,671
Thanks Jimmy.

511
00:21:21,671 --> 00:21:23,150
Looks like we're
in the clear.

512
00:21:23,150 --> 00:21:24,456
The Mob thinks you're dead,

513
00:21:24,456 --> 00:21:25,239
and I didn't have
to report anything.

514
00:21:25,239 --> 00:21:27,459
All's well that ends well.

515
00:21:27,459 --> 00:21:30,506
What about me?
I took a real bullet.

516
00:21:30,506 --> 00:21:32,986
Yeah, but you had
a bulletproof vest.

517
00:21:32,986 --> 00:21:35,859
I took it off,
it was clammy.

518
00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:37,426
[phone rings]

519
00:21:37,426 --> 00:21:39,166
Pistone Productions.

520
00:21:39,166 --> 00:21:42,996
What? Really?
No way! Thanks!

521
00:21:42,996 --> 00:21:46,043
I just got offered a directing
gig on a Canadian movie!

522
00:21:46,043 --> 00:21:49,307
Congrats pal.
Good luck.

523
00:21:49,307 --> 00:21:50,743
You should probably
take him in.

524
00:21:50,743 --> 00:21:52,441
He knows too much about us.No need, Jimmy!

525
00:21:52,441 --> 00:21:56,183
He's directing
a Canadian film.

526
00:21:56,183 --> 00:21:58,577
He'll never be heard
from again!

527
00:21:58,577 --> 00:21:59,709
[laughter]