1 00:00:01,609 --> 00:00:03,307 How'ya doin'? Jimmy here. 2 00:00:03,307 --> 00:00:04,482 You know my story by now. 3 00:00:04,482 --> 00:00:05,744 Most of it's even true. 4 00:00:05,744 --> 00:00:07,528 Thing about wiseguys 5 00:00:07,528 --> 00:00:09,269 is we hardly ever told the truth. 6 00:00:09,269 --> 00:00:11,663 By hardly ever, I mean mostly never. 7 00:00:11,663 --> 00:00:14,100 We lied to everyone: 8 00:00:14,100 --> 00:00:15,797 cops, judges, our wives, 9 00:00:15,797 --> 00:00:17,190 and mostly each other. 10 00:00:17,190 --> 00:00:18,496 We lied so much 11 00:00:18,496 --> 00:00:20,237 we didn't even know we were doin' it! 12 00:00:20,237 --> 00:00:23,066 Yo Jimmy, these biscotti got almonds in 'em? 13 00:00:23,066 --> 00:00:24,980 Nah, don't worry about it. 14 00:00:26,373 --> 00:00:29,637 [Gags] 15 00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:32,292 Ya need a doctor? 16 00:00:32,292 --> 00:00:33,859 Nah, I'm good. 17 00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:37,210 JIMMY: Lyin' came so easy 18 00:00:37,210 --> 00:00:39,343 that the truth was frowned on. 19 00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:41,388 Like the time Johnny Forthright came to town. 20 00:00:41,388 --> 00:00:42,781 Hey, Jimmy! 21 00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:45,262 With that gut, you're beggin' for a heart attack. 22 00:00:45,262 --> 00:00:47,873 JIMMY: Now there's a reason wiseguys never tell the truth. 23 00:00:47,873 --> 00:00:50,180 'Cause who wants to hear that crap? 24 00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:52,225 Then Johnny comes along with his mouth 25 00:00:52,225 --> 00:00:54,445 and suddenly I'm so worried about my weight, 26 00:00:54,445 --> 00:00:56,055 I had what the doctor called 27 00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:58,318 a mild cardiac incident. 28 00:00:58,318 --> 00:01:00,494 [Gasps] 29 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,148 Once I got outta the hospital, 30 00:01:02,148 --> 00:01:04,977 I reminded Johnny that the truth hurts. 31 00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:06,544 Then I -- 32 00:01:06,544 --> 00:01:08,676 --did not wipe the sidewalk with his face. 33 00:01:08,676 --> 00:01:10,809 [Both chuckle] 34 00:01:10,809 --> 00:01:13,203 Anyway, now that I'm in witness protection, 35 00:01:13,203 --> 00:01:15,030 I'm still livin' a lie, 36 00:01:15,030 --> 00:01:17,294 except this one's legit. 37 00:01:17,294 --> 00:01:20,166 And you've never looked slimmer! 38 00:01:20,166 --> 00:01:22,255 What? Goodfellas ain't the only ones 39 00:01:22,255 --> 00:01:24,301 who can lie their freakin' asses off! 40 00:01:24,301 --> 00:01:26,085 Hoh! Fugget about it! 41 00:01:27,956 --> 00:01:29,393 ♪ Lemme tell you somethin' 42 00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:30,872 ♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪ 43 00:01:30,872 --> 00:01:33,440 ♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪ 44 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:37,183 ♪ But then he found out they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪ 45 00:01:37,183 --> 00:01:39,838 ♪ He take the boss, he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪ 46 00:01:39,838 --> 00:01:42,841 ♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪ 47 00:01:42,841 --> 00:01:46,671 ♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪ 48 00:01:46,671 --> 00:01:49,195 ♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪ 49 00:01:49,195 --> 00:01:51,632 ♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved t'Saskatchewan ♪ 50 00:01:51,632 --> 00:01:53,156 ♪ Fugget about it! 51 00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:54,766 ♪ Fugget about it! 52 00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:55,941 ♪ Fugget about it! 53 00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:57,247 Oh! Fugget about it! 54 00:02:06,821 --> 00:02:08,475 RADIO VOICE: Blue Tiger, you clear? 55 00:02:08,475 --> 00:02:10,042 Clear. 56 00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:12,175 RADIO VOICE: Take the shot. Take the shot! 57 00:02:15,308 --> 00:02:16,744 JIMMY: Who is it? 58 00:02:16,744 --> 00:02:18,529 Puh... pizza...? 59 00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:20,618 COOKIE: Ooh... If someone ordered pizza this late 60 00:02:20,618 --> 00:02:22,315 it's their ass. 61 00:02:22,315 --> 00:02:25,579 They didn't order pizza! Repeat, did not order pizza! 62 00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,581 RADIO VOICE: Pull back! Send in the robot! 63 00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,111 It's Halloween already? 64 00:02:36,111 --> 00:02:38,157 What the [BLEEP] are you s'posed to be, kid? 65 00:02:39,724 --> 00:02:41,247 Oooh! 66 00:02:41,247 --> 00:02:42,640 RADIO VOICE: He didn't take delivery! 67 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:43,989 Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! 68 00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:49,516 Jimmy McDougal, you've been duly served! 69 00:02:49,516 --> 00:02:52,911 15 guys and a freakin' toaster to serve a summons? 70 00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:54,739 Can't take any chances, sir. 71 00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:57,045 Not since last year's potty mouth incident. 72 00:02:57,045 --> 00:02:58,569 You Canucks are pussies. 73 00:02:58,569 --> 00:03:01,528 Ahh! Harsh language alert! Fall back! 74 00:03:01,528 --> 00:03:02,747 [All scream] 75 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,321 I don't remember gettin' these tickets! 76 00:03:11,321 --> 00:03:12,931 Public urination? 77 00:03:12,931 --> 00:03:14,324 Drunk and disorderly? 78 00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:15,977 Dunkin' Donuts? 79 00:03:15,977 --> 00:03:17,501 Oh, that's a receipt. 80 00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:20,155 Six grand in parking fines? 81 00:03:20,155 --> 00:03:22,245 Oooh...Not so fast, Cheech! 82 00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:24,638 Did you get these tickets and use my name? 83 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,205 Yeah, but don't worry. 84 00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:27,902 I burned 'em all. 85 00:03:27,902 --> 00:03:29,643 'Member, the whole garage went up? 86 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:30,949 That was you? 87 00:03:30,949 --> 00:03:32,472 Technically, it was the oily rags 88 00:03:32,472 --> 00:03:34,126 I tossed the burning tickets onto. 89 00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:36,389 Do you gotta wreck everything you touch? 90 00:03:36,389 --> 00:03:38,086 Yeah, like the skylight 91 00:03:38,086 --> 00:03:39,392 he tried to put in the bathroom? 92 00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,353 The fresh air helps me go. 93 00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:45,311 Or the ceiling fan he installed last-- 94 00:03:45,311 --> 00:03:47,095 Oh! 95 00:03:47,095 --> 00:03:49,533 So I goofed up! It happens! 96 00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:52,927 It happens every day with you, ya bum! 97 00:03:52,927 --> 00:03:54,581 [All gasp] 98 00:03:54,581 --> 00:03:56,453 Who are you callin' a bum? 99 00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:58,716 I'm callin' you a bum, Cheech! 100 00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:01,196 Ya ruined my old life and you're mooshin' the new one. 101 00:04:01,196 --> 00:04:02,763 And ya know why? 102 00:04:02,763 --> 00:04:05,070 'Coz you're a screw-up and you're a bum. 103 00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:07,333 And that's the truth of you. 104 00:04:10,597 --> 00:04:13,165 Cheech, you okay? 105 00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:15,254 Huh, I'm fine. 106 00:04:15,254 --> 00:04:16,908 It'll take more than that 107 00:04:16,908 --> 00:04:18,083 to bring ol' Cheech down, whoa... 108 00:04:21,086 --> 00:04:24,002 How could they say them things about me? 109 00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:26,091 I'm not some kinda moron... 110 00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:29,268 I know I'll pay the tickets, 111 00:04:29,268 --> 00:04:30,748 Jimmy'll lend me the money- 112 00:04:30,748 --> 00:04:32,315 Oh right, he thinks I'm a bum. 113 00:04:33,446 --> 00:04:34,969 [All gasp] 114 00:04:34,969 --> 00:04:36,580 [Screams] 115 00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:39,844 Maybe they're right? What good am I to anyone? 116 00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:41,236 Help! 117 00:04:41,236 --> 00:04:43,151 My husband's trapped in that fire! 118 00:04:43,151 --> 00:04:45,153 Shut up! I'm tryin' to think here! 119 00:04:47,808 --> 00:04:49,114 Ma, ya gotta sign this so I can 120 00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:50,855 get vaccinated at school. 121 00:04:50,855 --> 00:04:53,858 You can't let them pump Gina fulla autism juice! 122 00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:56,600 Uhh... The link between vaccines and autism 123 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,297 has been roundly rejected 124 00:04:58,297 --> 00:04:59,777 by the medical community. 125 00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:02,432 Ooh. The "medical community". 126 00:05:02,432 --> 00:05:04,477 What about the community of celebrities 127 00:05:04,477 --> 00:05:06,871 who know how to raise perfect kids? 128 00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:08,568 Yeah Petey, if they didn't know 129 00:05:08,568 --> 00:05:10,135 what they were talkin' about, 130 00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:11,832 they wouldn't be published in the pages 131 00:05:11,832 --> 00:05:13,834 of Celebrity Minutiae magazine. 132 00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:14,966 But they won't let me go to school 133 00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:17,316 if I don't get them shots. 134 00:05:17,316 --> 00:05:18,883 Then I'll learn ya at home! 135 00:05:18,883 --> 00:05:21,015 I'm not takin' chances with your health. 136 00:05:21,015 --> 00:05:22,930 But you'll risk her catching rubella 137 00:05:22,930 --> 00:05:24,105 or whooping cough? 138 00:05:24,105 --> 00:05:25,977 Oh, don't make up diseases, Petey. 139 00:05:25,977 --> 00:05:27,239 Urgh! 140 00:05:27,239 --> 00:05:30,024 I got ya outta school! You're welcome! 141 00:05:30,024 --> 00:05:31,809 What you don't get, brainiac, 142 00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:34,638 is when I miss school, I lose business. 143 00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:38,119 And when I lose business, I get dark impulses. 144 00:05:40,731 --> 00:05:42,689 So you're gonna take care of my business. 145 00:05:42,689 --> 00:05:44,212 What's in it for me? 146 00:05:44,212 --> 00:05:45,779 I won't break your nose. 147 00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:49,087 Throw in my arm and ya got a deal. 148 00:05:51,611 --> 00:05:53,744 Wakey, wakey! 149 00:05:53,744 --> 00:05:56,311 Canada has plenty of freshly-painted 150 00:05:56,311 --> 00:05:58,792 substandard housing for people like you. 151 00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,142 Move along, my downtrodden friend! 152 00:06:01,142 --> 00:06:03,362 Just soak me in gas 153 00:06:03,362 --> 00:06:05,103 and light a match, McCool. 154 00:06:05,103 --> 00:06:08,236 Mordecai Richler's Legacy, Cheech! 155 00:06:08,236 --> 00:06:10,456 This isn't about Jimmy's parking tickets, is it? 156 00:06:10,456 --> 00:06:11,936 Sure is. 157 00:06:11,936 --> 00:06:13,111 Could ya pull a little magic act 158 00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:14,591 and make 'em vanish for me? 159 00:06:14,591 --> 00:06:17,637 One can't simply vanish parking tickets. 160 00:06:17,637 --> 00:06:19,857 One pays them. 161 00:06:19,857 --> 00:06:23,295 And if one is so inclined, one pays them in advance. 162 00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:25,210 This one guy sounds like a jagoff. 163 00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:27,691 Could a jagoff do this? 164 00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:31,259 Hoh! Now do that six thousand more times. 165 00:06:31,259 --> 00:06:33,087 It's a bus token, Cheech! 166 00:06:33,087 --> 00:06:34,654 You could always go to City Hall 167 00:06:34,654 --> 00:06:36,003 and fight those tickets. 168 00:06:36,003 --> 00:06:38,963 It's your right as an honest citizen... 169 00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:40,791 Well, citizen. 170 00:06:40,791 --> 00:06:42,183 I'll do it! 171 00:06:42,183 --> 00:06:44,664 I represented myself in court for littering once. 172 00:06:44,664 --> 00:06:47,580 Talked 'em down to a six year stretch. 173 00:06:47,580 --> 00:06:49,103 Then I'll leave it 174 00:06:49,103 --> 00:06:51,105 in your marginally capable hands. 175 00:06:51,105 --> 00:06:52,803 For Canada! 176 00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:55,066 Where we still believe in magic! 177 00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,854 [Sighs] 178 00:07:02,116 --> 00:07:04,031 Looks like someone misses Cheech. 179 00:07:04,031 --> 00:07:05,903 Me? Miss that bum? 180 00:07:05,903 --> 00:07:07,687 Not a chance. 181 00:07:07,687 --> 00:07:09,950 Why? Did he call? Not that I care. 182 00:07:09,950 --> 00:07:12,997 If he called I'd tell him to go back to Bumtown, 183 00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:15,390 or wherever he's been the last coupla days... 184 00:07:15,390 --> 00:07:16,914 Did he call?No. 185 00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,393 I'm goin' to bed. 186 00:07:18,393 --> 00:07:20,308 You stay here pretendin' you don't regret 187 00:07:20,308 --> 00:07:21,658 the awful things ya said to him. 188 00:07:24,704 --> 00:07:26,924 Pop, this is weird. 189 00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:29,492 It ruins it if ya talk! 190 00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:38,326 Is your boss around, sweetheart? 191 00:07:38,326 --> 00:07:40,067 I gotta talk to him about some tickets. 192 00:07:41,416 --> 00:07:43,418 Hoh, a lady Mayor! 193 00:07:43,418 --> 00:07:44,768 How about we ram a few motions 194 00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,509 through your council chamber? 195 00:07:52,036 --> 00:07:56,910 ♪ [Sultry saxophone] 196 00:08:01,436 --> 00:08:03,438 I was thinkin' your Honoree, 197 00:08:03,438 --> 00:08:05,310 since I did ya a favor. 198 00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:07,747 Three by my count. Maybe you could do one for-- 199 00:08:07,747 --> 00:08:08,922 [Gasps] 200 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,054 Madone! 201 00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:12,186 Aw, sweet lady. 202 00:08:12,186 --> 00:08:14,972 She died doin' what she loved... 203 00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:16,539 Screwin' the people. 204 00:08:19,150 --> 00:08:20,586 I'm worried. 205 00:08:20,586 --> 00:08:22,327 I said some completely accurate things 206 00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:24,372 to Cheech that he totally took the right way 207 00:08:24,372 --> 00:08:25,852 and I ain't seen him since. 208 00:08:25,852 --> 00:08:28,463 Last I saw, he was filled with vim and vigour, 209 00:08:28,463 --> 00:08:30,204 ready to fight those tickets in court. 210 00:08:30,204 --> 00:08:32,032 So don't worry, Jimmy. 211 00:08:32,032 --> 00:08:33,904 Jimmy!Cheech! 212 00:08:33,904 --> 00:08:36,210 Great news!You paid the tickets? 213 00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:38,473 No! I'm runnin' for Mayor! 214 00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,172 Rob Ford's big red face! 215 00:08:41,172 --> 00:08:42,477 I did not see that coming. 216 00:08:45,306 --> 00:08:47,482 And you're sure the Mayor was alive 217 00:08:47,482 --> 00:08:50,007 during your... octegenarian boot-knocking. 218 00:08:50,007 --> 00:08:53,401 I may be a lotta things, but I ain't no necropalegic. 219 00:08:53,401 --> 00:08:55,316 Alright, then it was natural causes. 220 00:08:55,316 --> 00:08:57,318 More or less natural. 221 00:08:57,318 --> 00:08:59,930 But you running for her job is out of the question! 222 00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,888 Especially over parkin' tickets! 223 00:09:01,888 --> 00:09:03,281 It's more than that! 224 00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:05,022 I gotta do somethin' with my life 225 00:09:05,022 --> 00:09:06,893 before it's too late. 226 00:09:06,893 --> 00:09:09,113 So I'm runnin', McCool, 227 00:09:09,113 --> 00:09:12,159 runnin' like a cokehead's nose. 228 00:09:12,159 --> 00:09:14,684 Get ready to catch a serious dose 229 00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:16,337 of election fever 230 00:09:16,337 --> 00:09:18,078 because the Mayor is dead! 231 00:09:18,078 --> 00:09:20,820 Oh, That's good copy, Carl! 232 00:09:20,820 --> 00:09:24,215 Oh, Candidates throwing their hat into the ring 233 00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:27,261 include Premier Mickey O'Shea, 234 00:09:27,261 --> 00:09:29,655 who's running on a "Why the Hell Not?" platform. 235 00:09:29,655 --> 00:09:33,180 Former strip-joint manager Pierre Le Shwa-Shwa, 236 00:09:33,180 --> 00:09:36,227 who's French. As if! 237 00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:38,925 And area man Cheech McDougal, 238 00:09:38,925 --> 00:09:41,362 who promised "Pizza Fridays" 239 00:09:41,362 --> 00:09:42,973 every day of the week. 240 00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:45,062 What do ya think of me now? 241 00:09:45,062 --> 00:09:47,238 You're a drunk and you didn't finish high school. 242 00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:48,369 I think you got a shot! 243 00:09:48,369 --> 00:09:50,458 Are you insane? 244 00:09:50,458 --> 00:09:52,504 Witness protection rules 245 00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:54,506 strictly forbid running for office! 246 00:09:54,506 --> 00:09:55,899 So kick me out! 247 00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:57,291 When I'm mayor, 248 00:09:57,291 --> 00:09:59,206 I'll have a whole police force to protect me... 249 00:09:59,206 --> 00:10:01,382 and get me lunch. 250 00:10:01,382 --> 00:10:03,428 I get you're excited 251 00:10:03,428 --> 00:10:05,517 but there's no way in hell you can run for mayor. 252 00:10:07,214 --> 00:10:08,607 Alright then... 253 00:10:10,304 --> 00:10:13,568 [Chokes] 254 00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,528 Strange. 255 00:10:16,528 --> 00:10:18,182 Neither of us tried to stop him. 256 00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:20,314 I had no confidence in that fan. 257 00:10:20,314 --> 00:10:21,881 What's your excuse? 258 00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:27,539 Wow you just say Gina's name 259 00:10:27,539 --> 00:10:29,019 and they shower you with money. 260 00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:30,368 [Gasps] 261 00:10:31,804 --> 00:10:33,588 Here I'll take care of that. 262 00:10:33,588 --> 00:10:35,416 I'm the substitution teacher. 263 00:10:35,416 --> 00:10:38,028 And I'm a nurse. 264 00:10:43,903 --> 00:10:45,383 I bet none of you 265 00:10:45,383 --> 00:10:48,125 want to get a big ol' dangerous needle, do ya? 266 00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:48,995 [All murmur] 267 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,519 [All cheer] 268 00:10:51,519 --> 00:10:52,912 I think I found my calling. 269 00:10:52,912 --> 00:10:55,219 Saving the children... 270 00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:56,699 Please don't touch me. 271 00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:02,792 Why are you here?I skipped work. 272 00:11:02,792 --> 00:11:04,576 Me and McCool are takin' Cheech out to cheer him up. 273 00:11:04,576 --> 00:11:06,099 What are you doin'? 274 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,885 Ma's home-schoolin' me 'coz I ain't vaccinated. 275 00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:11,626 After this I gotta unload the dishwasher for "Home Ec." 276 00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:14,978 Is Cheech ready to go see some strippers! 277 00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:16,327 Oh, hello Gina. 278 00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:18,546 Cheech said he was goin' to the election rally. 279 00:11:18,546 --> 00:11:20,026 I guess he meant erection. 280 00:11:20,026 --> 00:11:22,594 Election rally? Jimmy let's go! 281 00:11:23,856 --> 00:11:26,032 COOKIE: Gina, time for gym class! 282 00:11:26,032 --> 00:11:27,730 We're playin' hang-the-laundry. 283 00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,644 [Groans] 284 00:11:32,386 --> 00:11:34,432 Shwa, shwa, economic growth. 285 00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:36,173 Shwa, shwa, anglophone pigs. 286 00:11:37,348 --> 00:11:39,872 [Applause] 287 00:11:39,872 --> 00:11:41,831 What do ya think Cheech is up to? 288 00:11:41,831 --> 00:11:43,441 God willing, a public withdrawal. 289 00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:45,095 Sounds dirty. 290 00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:46,574 [All gasp] 291 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,753 ♪ [Low synth] 292 00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:54,104 [Applause] 293 00:11:54,104 --> 00:11:55,888 I'm not one for long speeches... 294 00:11:55,888 --> 00:11:57,760 so thank you and goodbye! 295 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,632 Oh wait, I forgot the thing! 296 00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:02,721 Hang on, watch this. 297 00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:04,941 Not tonight honey. 298 00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:06,594 I have a... 299 00:12:06,594 --> 00:12:08,814 Oh, I just don't love you anymore. 300 00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:12,600 That's marriage for ya. 301 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,864 But don't worry, pal, I got ya covered. 302 00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:16,779 Hi, I'm Cheech McDougal. 303 00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:18,563 I been all over this great city... 304 00:12:18,563 --> 00:12:19,956 well, maybe not "great". 305 00:12:19,956 --> 00:12:21,827 Face it it's a [BLEEP]-hole. 306 00:12:21,827 --> 00:12:24,699 Anyway, I been talkin' to folks all over Vagina, 307 00:12:24,699 --> 00:12:26,876 and while I can't remember any of them conversations, 308 00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:28,573 I know what people want. 309 00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:31,010 And that's... uhh... 310 00:12:31,010 --> 00:12:32,055 Sex. 311 00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:36,929 If you're poor or ugly, which is most of ya, 312 00:12:36,929 --> 00:12:39,062 sex is hard to come by. 313 00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:40,367 But not anymore! 314 00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:42,543 Today I give you 315 00:12:42,543 --> 00:12:44,763 The Affordable Orgasm Act! 316 00:12:47,940 --> 00:12:49,028 Hey! 317 00:12:49,028 --> 00:12:50,290 Don't worry. 318 00:12:50,290 --> 00:12:52,989 Under my Universal Prostitution plan, 319 00:12:52,989 --> 00:12:55,339 the government pays for it. 320 00:12:55,339 --> 00:12:58,255 In that case, can I have one too? 321 00:12:58,255 --> 00:12:59,822 You bet your ass, ya can. 322 00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:05,088 And on election day, bet your ass on me! 323 00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:08,395 I'm Cheech McDougal and I approve these whores. 324 00:13:08,395 --> 00:13:10,484 [Applause] 325 00:13:13,357 --> 00:13:14,924 I know what you're gonna say. 326 00:13:14,924 --> 00:13:16,186 But I was on my way to quit 327 00:13:16,186 --> 00:13:17,578 when the mailman showed up. 328 00:13:17,578 --> 00:13:19,189 Mail-person, we're in Canada. 329 00:13:19,189 --> 00:13:21,104 I'm pretty sure Gloria's a man. 330 00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:23,410 Anyway, he had a bag fulla donations 331 00:13:23,410 --> 00:13:25,064 for my campaign. 332 00:13:25,064 --> 00:13:28,459 The people have spoken and they want me! 333 00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:29,939 Ya sure ya heard 'em right? 334 00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:32,419 For the first time in my life, I'm not screwin' up, 335 00:13:32,419 --> 00:13:34,291 I'm gettin' it right! 336 00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:36,075 And I owe it all to you. 337 00:13:36,075 --> 00:13:37,598 What? 338 00:13:37,598 --> 00:13:39,209 Ya gave me the kick in the pills I needed. 339 00:13:39,209 --> 00:13:40,732 You're not just my nephew, Jimbo, 340 00:13:40,732 --> 00:13:42,865 you're my best [BLEEP] friend. 341 00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:44,170 And one more thing, Paisan... 342 00:13:44,170 --> 00:13:45,563 [Chanting "Cheech"] 343 00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:47,043 Can ya tell this is a hairpiece? 344 00:13:51,917 --> 00:13:54,877 And that's why eating mashed up insects 345 00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:57,531 is good for the environment and your complexion. 346 00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,579 Someone's gonna have a healthy glow tomorrow! 347 00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:04,538 [Coughing] 348 00:14:04,538 --> 00:14:06,976 Oh no, you're all gettin' sick. 349 00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:09,456 Thanks a lot GMOS! 350 00:14:09,456 --> 00:14:12,459 Okay, everyone eat these donkey placentas. 351 00:14:12,459 --> 00:14:15,636 They ward off sickness and dark forest fairies. 352 00:14:15,636 --> 00:14:17,638 Waldo, make sure to chew. 353 00:14:18,770 --> 00:14:19,814 [Burps] 354 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,690 [Applause] 355 00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,257 Oh! 356 00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:29,085 My superiors are threatening 357 00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:31,000 to have a beaver chew me a new one. 358 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,392 It's little consolation 359 00:14:32,392 --> 00:14:33,567 that I get to choose the beaver. 360 00:14:33,567 --> 00:14:35,091 No one back home is gonna mistake 361 00:14:35,091 --> 00:14:38,268 that Elvis-lookin' Huggybear for Cheech Falcone. 362 00:14:38,268 --> 00:14:40,183 Besides, there's no way he's gonna win. 363 00:14:40,183 --> 00:14:42,925 Yeah, what's the harm in lettin' him lose? 364 00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:44,448 It'll be good for his self-esteem. 365 00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:45,928 But the opposing candidates 366 00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:47,581 will make mince-meat out of him. 367 00:14:47,581 --> 00:14:50,149 C'mon, Canuck politicians don't take the gloves off 368 00:14:50,149 --> 00:14:51,672 like they do down South... 369 00:14:51,672 --> 00:14:52,935 Do they? 370 00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:54,632 You tell me. 371 00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:58,244 This footage, provided by the O'Shea for Mayor Committee, 372 00:14:58,244 --> 00:15:01,247 was filmed at a Cheech McDougal campaign stop. 373 00:15:01,247 --> 00:15:03,075 'Course I'm a feminist! 374 00:15:03,075 --> 00:15:05,164 My dinner ain't gonna cook itself. 375 00:15:05,164 --> 00:15:07,775 What the hell's an L.G.B.T.Q? 376 00:15:07,775 --> 00:15:10,300 Some kind of [BLEEP] sandwich? 377 00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:13,346 But, if I slip one past the goalie, 378 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,870 then I'm pro-choice. 379 00:15:15,870 --> 00:15:18,699 Hey, you filmin' this? 380 00:15:21,702 --> 00:15:24,009 There, now the kids can see me do this in one snort! 381 00:15:26,620 --> 00:15:28,753 See McCool, he don't need to quit. 382 00:15:28,753 --> 00:15:31,669 His big mouth's gonna mess this up. 383 00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:34,019 Public reaction to the Cheech McDougal footage 384 00:15:34,019 --> 00:15:35,194 has been swift. 385 00:15:35,194 --> 00:15:36,674 I like Cheech. 386 00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:38,328 You really know what you're getting with him. 387 00:15:38,328 --> 00:15:40,243 Yeah! He speaks his mind. 388 00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:42,332 Like, it's confusing, but, like, he speaks it! 389 00:15:42,332 --> 00:15:43,637 [Giggles] 390 00:15:43,637 --> 00:15:46,336 It's high time we got our own sandwich! 391 00:15:46,336 --> 00:15:49,382 McDougal's numbers have soared, giving- 392 00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,515 What is wrong with these people? 393 00:15:51,515 --> 00:15:53,734 This video is just the beginning! 394 00:15:53,734 --> 00:15:55,171 They're going to dig into Cheech's past 395 00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:56,607 and do you know what they'll find? 396 00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:58,217 A lotta dead bodies? 397 00:15:58,217 --> 00:16:00,306 A man who up until a few months ago 398 00:16:00,306 --> 00:16:02,569 did not even exist! 399 00:16:02,569 --> 00:16:03,875 [Phone rings] 400 00:16:03,875 --> 00:16:05,703 Yeah? 401 00:16:05,703 --> 00:16:08,488 SHADY VOICE: I have been digging into Cheech McDougal's past... 402 00:16:08,488 --> 00:16:09,794 Whoa. 403 00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:11,187 I got no idea who you are, 404 00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:14,190 but McCool was just talkin' about you! 405 00:16:22,937 --> 00:16:24,461 You come alone? 406 00:16:24,461 --> 00:16:27,333 My wife usually helps me, but that's not what you meant. 407 00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:29,466 I cannot shwa reveal 408 00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:32,295 my shwa, shwa, identity, shwa. 409 00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:34,384 C'mon out, Shwa shwa. 410 00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:37,778 How did you shwa shwa it was me, Monsieur Jimmy? 411 00:16:37,778 --> 00:16:39,084 Call it a hunch. 412 00:16:39,084 --> 00:16:41,739 I did some digging on Monsieur Cheech. 413 00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,307 What I found was most shwa shwa. 414 00:16:45,656 --> 00:16:48,050 Cheech forgot to sign his nomination papers? 415 00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,878 Even if he wins, he can't be mayor shwa. 416 00:16:50,878 --> 00:16:53,316 His campaign is as illegitimate 417 00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:54,578 as my shwa shwa children. 418 00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:56,449 Can you imagine? 419 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,277 He had it in his grasp! 420 00:16:58,277 --> 00:17:00,758 And he shwa-ed it up! 421 00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:02,194 So, you're blackmailin' us? 422 00:17:02,194 --> 00:17:04,501 Eh me? Non non! I like you guys. 423 00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:06,720 I give Monsieur Cheech the shwa 424 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:09,723 to save himself from the suicide-inducing 425 00:17:09,723 --> 00:17:11,769 embarrassment of this blunder! 426 00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:13,249 Nice of ya, thanks. 427 00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:14,859 If it were me, 428 00:17:14,859 --> 00:17:16,469 I would light myself on fire 429 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,471 and shwa in front of a train. 430 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:20,169 Yeah, I get it. He's a dope. 431 00:17:20,169 --> 00:17:21,518 Then no one would have to shwa 432 00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,172 upon my corpse and say, 433 00:17:23,172 --> 00:17:25,522 "Here lies the stupidest shwa on earth." 434 00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:27,045 Okay, enough! 435 00:17:27,045 --> 00:17:29,830 So can I shwa on your vote next Tuesday? 436 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,922 Now that Cheech is ineligible to run, 437 00:17:34,922 --> 00:17:36,315 we're in the clear, Jimmy. 438 00:17:36,315 --> 00:17:37,795 Why the frown? 439 00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:39,710 'Coz I still gotta break the news to the guy! 440 00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:41,451 So what? It's his own fault. 441 00:17:41,451 --> 00:17:42,930 Exactly! 442 00:17:42,930 --> 00:17:44,323 I called him a bum and a screw-up 443 00:17:44,323 --> 00:17:45,933 and it almost destroyed him. 444 00:17:45,933 --> 00:17:47,370 If I tell him he screwed this up, 445 00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:48,719 I don't know what he'll do. 446 00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:50,155 Hopefully kill himself. 447 00:17:50,155 --> 00:17:51,504 In the old life 448 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,941 you were never supposed to truth someone. 449 00:17:53,941 --> 00:17:55,552 What if I 'truthed' all you guys? 450 00:17:55,552 --> 00:17:57,075 What if I told Petey 451 00:17:57,075 --> 00:17:58,642 sometimes I wanna punch him inna face 452 00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:00,470 for bein' such a goofy little know-it-all. 453 00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:03,125 Or if I let McCool know I think his horse 454 00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:04,735 has more personality than he does? 455 00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:06,345 Suppose I told Gina here 456 00:18:06,345 --> 00:18:07,955 that Theresa's actually my favorite? 457 00:18:07,955 --> 00:18:09,174 Or if I told Cookie-- 458 00:18:09,174 --> 00:18:10,306 Watch it! 459 00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:13,570 I gotta let Cheech down easy. 460 00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:15,876 Make him think quittin' is his idea. 461 00:18:15,876 --> 00:18:17,139 This is gonna be harder 462 00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:18,662 than sittin' through a Canadian movie. 463 00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:20,794 Least at the end, I'll know what happened. 464 00:18:20,794 --> 00:18:22,796 But depressing, confusing cinema 465 00:18:22,796 --> 00:18:25,059 no one cares for is our national heritage! 466 00:18:27,975 --> 00:18:30,021 So watch out for Big Parma. 467 00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:32,241 They want us to waste money on medicine 468 00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:34,460 and cheese when we should really be using it 469 00:18:34,460 --> 00:18:35,853 to make sure blockbuster movies 470 00:18:35,853 --> 00:18:37,855 have solid opening weekends. 471 00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:41,163 Run! Big Parma! 472 00:18:45,079 --> 00:18:50,084 ♪ [Cinematic music] 473 00:18:50,084 --> 00:18:52,043 I didn't teach you, kids... 474 00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:54,176 You taught me. 475 00:18:54,176 --> 00:18:55,177 [Sighs] 476 00:18:58,528 --> 00:19:01,574 Can we stop by the office? I wanna get a reference. 477 00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:03,663 [Stomach gurgles] 478 00:19:09,452 --> 00:19:10,801 Hey Jimmy. 479 00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:12,585 Ya want a lucky rabbit's foot for election day? 480 00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:13,891 Nah, I'm good. 481 00:19:13,891 --> 00:19:16,937 So, ya gonna pack your bags?What for? 482 00:19:16,937 --> 00:19:18,330 Come next week, 483 00:19:18,330 --> 00:19:20,114 we're all movin' to the Mayor's mansion! 484 00:19:20,114 --> 00:19:21,551 Bring a chainsaw. 485 00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:23,205 That place needs more skylights. 486 00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:24,728 [echoes] Pack your bags, 487 00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:26,991 pack your bags, pack your bags. 488 00:19:26,991 --> 00:19:29,907 Actually pal, we are movin'. 489 00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:31,648 Now that you're gonna be mayor, 490 00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:33,127 McCool's relocatin' us. 491 00:19:33,127 --> 00:19:34,781 I don't think they'll let me be mayor 492 00:19:34,781 --> 00:19:35,956 from some other town. 493 00:19:35,956 --> 00:19:37,828 No, you're stayin' here. 494 00:19:37,828 --> 00:19:39,743 And I can't even tell ya where we're goin', 495 00:19:39,743 --> 00:19:42,398 'coz you're not in witness protection no more. 496 00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:44,356 Anyhow, I came to say goodbye. 497 00:19:44,356 --> 00:19:45,923 You're gonna make the best Mayor 498 00:19:45,923 --> 00:19:47,707 this town's ever seen. 499 00:19:47,707 --> 00:19:49,143 And from what I hear, the youngest. 500 00:19:49,143 --> 00:19:50,710 You're leavin'? 501 00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:52,669 I'll never see you, Cookie, Theresa, 502 00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:54,932 Gina, or whatsisface again? 503 00:19:54,932 --> 00:19:56,629 Yeah.Sorry... 504 00:19:57,935 --> 00:20:00,764 But I got everyone rabbit foots! 505 00:20:01,895 --> 00:20:04,463 [Applause] 506 00:20:04,463 --> 00:20:06,552 [Chanting "Cheech"] 507 00:20:06,552 --> 00:20:07,771 Thank you. 508 00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:08,989 Thanks. 509 00:20:08,989 --> 00:20:10,469 I appreciate it. 510 00:20:10,469 --> 00:20:12,689 Okay. Shut up! 511 00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:15,996 Seriously shut the [BLEEP] up! 512 00:20:15,996 --> 00:20:17,781 [Mic feedback] 513 00:20:17,781 --> 00:20:19,435 I can't do this. 514 00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:21,741 Bein' mayor means I lose my family. 515 00:20:21,741 --> 00:20:23,090 So I'm out. 516 00:20:23,090 --> 00:20:25,615 Awww, he's a family man! 517 00:20:25,615 --> 00:20:27,747 [Applause] 518 00:20:27,747 --> 00:20:30,446 'Sides, all I'm gonna do is fleece the city dry, 519 00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:33,405 then burn the joint down for insurance. 520 00:20:33,405 --> 00:20:35,799 But there'll still be free prostitutes, right? 521 00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:37,844 Yeah, for me! 522 00:20:37,844 --> 00:20:39,716 Dont'ya get it? 523 00:20:39,716 --> 00:20:41,674 Just 'coz you like me 524 00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:43,894 is no reason to vote for me! 525 00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:45,896 I got no idea what I'm doin' 526 00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:48,768 outside of robbin' you [BLEEP] holes blind. 527 00:20:48,768 --> 00:20:51,858 Finally! An honest politician! 528 00:20:51,858 --> 00:20:53,817 [Chanting "Cheech"] 529 00:20:53,817 --> 00:20:56,472 It's like talkin' to a wall! 530 00:20:56,472 --> 00:20:58,038 Alright, that's it! 531 00:20:58,038 --> 00:20:59,605 I'm gonna break all of you's thumbs! 532 00:20:59,605 --> 00:21:00,867 C'mere you! 533 00:21:00,867 --> 00:21:02,913 Oh you want one? 534 00:21:02,913 --> 00:21:05,002 Alright! Stop smiling! 535 00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:06,395 Hey Buddy get outta the way, 536 00:21:06,395 --> 00:21:07,700 I'm tryin' to hit your wife! 537 00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:12,226 They just kept cheerin' for me! 538 00:21:12,226 --> 00:21:14,794 Even when I had a handicapped kid in a headlock. 539 00:21:14,794 --> 00:21:16,796 No offense, but voters are stupid. 540 00:21:16,796 --> 00:21:19,233 Hey, the election results are in! 541 00:21:19,233 --> 00:21:21,279 Pierre Le Shwa-Shwa 542 00:21:21,279 --> 00:21:23,803 narrowly edged out Mickey O'Shea 543 00:21:23,803 --> 00:21:26,502 to become the next Mayor of Regina... 544 00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:28,373 That crazy Puerto Rican 545 00:21:28,373 --> 00:21:30,593 wants to keep Universal Prostitution alive. 546 00:21:30,593 --> 00:21:33,030 I gotta get a taste. I wrote that legislation. 547 00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:34,901 I'm sorry I truthed ya, Cheech. 548 00:21:34,901 --> 00:21:36,207 It's okay. 549 00:21:36,207 --> 00:21:37,600 Just do me a favor and we're even 550 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,384 help me pry this rug off. 551 00:21:39,384 --> 00:21:41,343 I stuck it on with hot glue. 552 00:21:42,953 --> 00:21:44,694 Yo airhead, ya got my money? 553 00:21:44,694 --> 00:21:47,218 No, but I have blisters on my tongue 554 00:21:47,218 --> 00:21:49,002 and I think I pooped a kidney. 555 00:21:49,002 --> 00:21:50,264 That's it! 556 00:21:50,264 --> 00:21:51,962 I don't care what Hollywood says, 557 00:21:51,962 --> 00:21:53,311 we're gettin' our shots. 558 00:21:53,311 --> 00:21:54,834 Kids, roll up your sleeves. 559 00:21:54,834 --> 00:21:56,053 McCool, drop your pants. 560 00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:58,098 But I have all my shots. 561 00:21:58,098 --> 00:21:59,883 I said Drop 'em!