Greetings!
You know me as Petey McDougal, Canadian nerd.
You also know me as Petey Falcone,
New York dork.
Like other misfits of my ilk,
I never really felt like I fit in.
Hello. Congratulations!
PETEY: This was especially apparent
in our old life among "the Family."
Yo Petey, try this lasagna!
It's like angels singin' in your mouth.
No thanks. I'm lactose intolerant.
And pasta's not good for my gluten sensitivity.
Ya know what makes me sensitive?
Jagoffs with no manners!
Eat the [bleep]in' food, ya mook!
[Choking and swallowing]
Heeeey, kid!
Have some wine! I won't tell your folks.
Actually, [hiccup] it was their idea.
Ya need to loosen up.
Cheech, I've seen what alcohol does to people -
namely you, and -
[Sputtering]
Learn to live a little, kid!
[Laughing]
[Cough] What are you doing?!
The bride gave birth to a boy this morning!
We're celebratin'! Smoke up, kid.
It's bad luck if ya don't.
Really?Hell if I know.
[Wheezing and gagging]
[Crying]
I was gonna steal that, dumbass!
Now that we're in Canada,
I finally feel like I fit in.
And I'm sure, in time,
the rest of my family will learn
to love it here as much as I do!
OTHERS: Fugget about it!
♪ Let me tell you something
♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪
♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪
♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪
♪ he take the boss,
♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪
♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead ♪
♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪
♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪
♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan. ♪
♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it!
♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪
[Moan] Keep jerking it, Jetsie...
[Gasp]Almost there...
PETEY: That's it.
Yeah, that's good...
[Jetsie's muffled voice]
Relax, Cookie. It's not what you think!
I'm sure there's a logical -
PETEY: Slide it in and out...
slowly.
Okay, ya went to a Catholic school.
This kinda thing happens all the time.
Oh God, listen to yourself!
[Petey yelps]
You pricked me!
Spit that out.
You do not want to swallow it.
COOKIE: Jesus Christ on a bike!
Ta-dah! What do ya think?
Cheech, we're tryin to keep a low profile here,
so you go and swipe a boat?
Swipe? Gimme some credit!
I got it at the police auction.
Let's start the bidding at 500!
Who'll give me five-Sold!
It was a steal, Jimmy - 'cept I paid for it.
We live on the prairies!
What are we gonna sail on, seas of wheat?
There's a lake near here.
We'll go fishin', like the old days,
'cept without dead wiseguys cloggin' up the water.
Cheech, I'm married.
I can't just take off whenever I want.
I was married. I took off all the time!
And how'd that work out for ya?
I'm gonna die alone.
I gotta clear this kinda stuff with Cookie.
I gotta drop reminders,
sweet-talk her, negotiate terms.
Peace in the Middle East'd take less diplomacy!
Hey Cook, we're goin' fishin'.Great idea!
Absolutely! Go fishing!
Get outta here, far away from Petey!
Huh?Never mind, just go.
[Sigh] No wait,
there is something we need to talk about...
Love ya, babe!
So, I think your brother might be...
gay.
And if he is, I wanna make sure neither of you
gives him a hard time about it.
What do you take us for? He's our brother!
I know we bust his balls, but we got his back.
Apparently so does Jetsie...
Theresa, what'd I say?!
Ma, I'm just playin'.
Well, stop!
I'm havin' a hard time with this!
Get over it!
Ya wanna wind up like Mrs. Scavuzzo?
She rejected her boy 'coz he was gay.
Died alone. Cats ate her face.
Ya want that, Ma?
Ya want a cat eatin' your face?
...'Cause I know a guy.
But I don't know what I'm supposed to do!
You can act like a mom!
...And never buy a cat.
You're right. I can do this!
I'm gonna be the best damn mother of a gay you ever saw!
You know he's not, right?
Oh God, of course!
He's not cool enough to be gay.
If he was,
at least he'd have a personality.
[Laugh]
This is fun.
What, are we bonding now? Shut up!
I tell ya, Cheech,
Ya can't beat the peace and quiet of a fishin' trip.
Oh, you want some of dis?!Who'za big fish now?
Say hi to your mother for me!
Eat lead, fish-dick!
I got your catch and release right here, ya [bleep]in' mutt!
Ya broke my heart, ya scaly prick!
I'm out.Me too.
So relaxin'!
Now them fishes are sleepin' with the fishes.
[Both laugh]
So, young Petey is a homosexual!
Splendid!
I'm glad you called me, Cookie.
Good, 'coz I don't know how to tell him
he has my support.
Can ya help me out?
I can do better than help you, Cookie!
I can refer you to a qualified colleague...
And no, I'm not deflecting your request
because it makes me uncomfortable.
Here in Canada, we pride ourselves on our pride!
By the by, how's Jimmy taking this?
Oh God, Jimmy doesn't know anything yet.
He's gone fishin' with Cheech.
Fishing?
I got no idea what Jimmy'll do when he finds out.
Did he mention being angry with me?
Because I've told him I'm an avid fisherman.
But he loves Petey, so who knows?
I'm sorry, what?
Just checking for texts from Jimmy...
No, nothing here.
Do you think it would be weird if I just showed up?
Showed up where?At the fishing trip.
I thought we were talkin' about Petey!
Oh right, I'll get my colleague to come see you.
For Canada!
Where friends are supposed to
tell friends about fishing trips!
♪ [Jaws-like music]
[Both laughing]
Don't move! Don't move, I said!
What the hell?!
Look at me. Look at me!
I am the Captain now.
Oh, no no no.
I don't look at you, you look at me.
Look at me!Look at me!
Look at ME!Look at me!
Don't look at me. Look at him!
Look at me!Look at me!
Don't say look at me, just look at me!
Look at me!
Look at you, bein' all "look at me!"
LOOK AT ME!
Ey, look at me!
Enough! I am Ghedi.
This is Jiani.
We own this boat now, understand?
Hey, I own this boat, pal.
Ya want it? Make me an offer.
I'll shoot your fat friend and dump him over the side.
Hey!
Jimmy, quiet. I'm negotiatin' here.
Alright, say ya shoot fatso.
What's in it for me?
[Both sipping tea]
So, are you sure this isn't going be
too intense for you?
Maybe, but it's something I need to do.
Why don't we ease into it, then?
Take it nice and slow.
Uh...
What's goin' on with the hand down there?
Uh, foreplay?
Isn't this what you wanted?
No! I need advice about helping my son come out of the closet.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
I thought this was a booty call!
McCool kept talking about... [whisper]
I think he said "fishing."
He's all upset my husband went without him.
Oh.
It was hard to understand McCool.
He was so distraught.
Oh, this is embarrassing.Don't worry about it.
...and a little disappointing.
Oh? Why?
Well, you're gorgeous.
Oh, stop!
So, about your son -
[Shushing]
Gorgeous? How?
Just curious, but...
what would ya do to a gal like me?
Gimme a "for instance."
[Whispering]
[Giggling]
[Whispering]Whoa!
That is something!
So where do these scissors I keep hearing about come into it?
[Gasp]
You guys are not gonna believe this,
but I think Mom might be gay!
[Laugh] And the hits just keep comin'!
Petey this is huge!
Who'da thought Ma was a Lebanese?
Can you imagine what it must have been like
for her in the old neighbourhood,
carrying the desire that dare not speak its name?
Yeah, they weren't big on that back home.
And they hated people who said stuff like
"dare not speak its name."
So what are we gonna do?
Give her the love and acceptance she deserves.
Duh!
[Chuckle] Yeah, yeah,
but don't come right out and tell her we know.
I mean, she might not be ready for that.
Good idea!
I'm going to show her I'm behind her 100%!
[Both laugh]
I ain't had this much fun
since I switched your birth control pills with breath mints!
[Laugh]
[Gasp]
That's why I've been so minty down there.
Why is there nothing on this boat but beer and Grappa?
'Coz Jimmy says, "Cocaine and boating don't mix."
This is pointless! We need money!
For a jolly pirate crew, you guys ain't too jolly.
Jolly pirates?!
We did it to survive a brutal civil war.
We fled to Canada for a better life,
but now we are being deported.
We need money for an immigration lawyer fast!
Problem is your crew's too small.
Ya need a few more hands on deck.
Please!
Where could I possibly find experienced hijackers
in Regina beach?
You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Honestly, I don't even know if
I'm thinkin' what I'm thinkin'.
Ya ever hear voices, Jimmy?
Ma, there's a secret living in this house -
an elephant in the room, if you will.
I know, Petey.
A big, gay elephant.
[Sniffle]
That elephant needs to know
they're loved and supported.
I couldn't agree more!
What about papa elephant?
We'll tell papa elephant
when the gay elephant is good and ready.
And when the time comes,
that elephant is not going to be alone.
No, that elephant isn't.
[Sniff] I'm glad we cleared this up.
It's good to get things out in the open.
It sure is.
I feel sorry for families that don't know how to communicate.
[Happy sigh]
JIMMY: Ahoy there, Cappie!
Avast, ye landlubbers!
What are you doing?
This is not some dress-up game!
Ah c'mon, who doesn't want to be a pirate?
You boys need our help, and ya know it!
[Sigh] Fine.
We're desperate,
and you Canadians are very helpful.
By the way, real pirates don't dress like that.
But I already cut off my hand!
Whadja do that for?
A pirate's gotta have a hook.
Quickly, where is the hand now?
We must put it on ice immediately!
Here it is!
Alright, all hands on deck!
Oh, sorry, Cheech.
I've come to terms with my choice.
Uh, Mom?Yes, Petey?
There's this Pride rally downtown this afternoon and -
It'd be an honour to be beside my boy!
Now that the elephant's out of the closet,
let's parade it through the streets!
♪ [Electronic dance music]
♪ [Electronic dance music] ♪
♪ [Electronic dance music]
♪ [Electronic dance music] ♪
♪ [Electronic dance music]
BOTH: Huh? Whaaat?
[Sisters laughing]
Yeah, laugh it up!
You're both gonna burn in Hell!
So if you're not gay,
and the little Dutch boy wasn't
pokin' his finger in your dyke,
what the hell were ya doin'?
I told you, it was nothing!
That was NOT nothing, young man. Spit it out!
Ugh, fine.
But I think it'd be easier if I showed you.
If he comes back in a dress, I'm gonna [bleep]!
♪
♪♪
♪
♪♪
I am Flindor,
the Elven Spellcaster,
a seventh level Mage!!
I don't understand a word you just said.
I'm a LARP-er!
What is that, Swedish for "loser?"
No!
It's Live Action Role Playing.
LARP! We dress up in costumes!
Oh, it's like
when ya dress up as a French maid
or put on a leather gimp suit, right?
No, that's good, wholesome fun.
I got no freakin' idea what this is!
[Sigh]
Problem is you been pickin' the wrong targets, Ghedi!
What you want is an RV.
Them things are packed with a king's ransom o' treasure.
[Belch]What about your uncle's hand?
We need to go to a hospital!
Ah, he'll be fine.
He's had so many beers, he can't feel nothin'!
Ah, that's better.
There's a galleon on the port bow!
Or is it starboard? Which one's left?
I used to know this.
[Laugh]
"Get pirate insurance," I said.
"You never know," I said.
But would you listen?
I'm going to watch TV -
and I don't care if it drains the battery!
Prepare to be boarded, ye scurvy dogs!
Hoist the mizzen whatsist on the wibble wobble!
Ho! Where'd he get those?
It's standard now on all American-made RV's.
[Blast]God bless the NRA.
[Laugh]
Dave, the pirates are here.
I still don't get it.
Is LARP a sport?
Not exactly.
Do you win prizes?
No, we get Experience Points.
Then we use those to level up and -Shaddup.
I stopped listenin' after "No."
None of this makes sense.
Patience!
All will be revealed...
♪
Roar!
A Minotaur! Back foul creature!
Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!
Fireball! Fireball!
Ow! Watch it!
That was really close to my eye!
"MINOTAUR": Roar!
Backstab! Double damage!
Aannnd... confetti deathblow!
[Shudder]
So Ma, what did you think?
I think I'm gonna
confetti deathblow my [bleep]in' brains out.
That was the most
mortifyin' thing I've ever seen!
Why can't ya pick up a nice drug habit,
like a normal kid?
What happened to supporting me, no matter what?
That was when you were gay, not when you were a fairy!
I'm an Elf! I WISH I was a Fairy!
That's a whole other level!
You need to learn sixth-level enchantments and -
Enough!
This is just... unnatural!
Well, this is who I am!
No, it's not!
You're choosing to be this way!
All you need is to do is,
I dunno, meet the right girl.
Oh, this is all my fault!
I shoulda pushed him into sports!
[Sigh]
It gets better, Petey...
Trust me,
it does NOT get better.
One more score like this,
and you'll have immigration lawyers
comin' out yer ass!
Damn it's fun bein' a pirate!
It's not meant to be fun!
We do it for survival!
What about the pillagin'? That part's fun, right?
Those are Vikings!
[Gasp] We should be those next!
So what do we do with this scallywag?
CLAIRE: Make him walk the plank!
[Chuckle]
[Smooch]
[Making out]
[Knocking on door]
COOKIE: Petey? Open up.
Go away!Okay, he's in there.
Get him!
Cast out the foul demon, Father!
The power of Christ compels you!
Gah! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!
See, Father? What'd I tell ya?
He's all wrapped up in the occult!
I'm not possessed!
I'm a LARP-er! That's not a sin.
But it's an abomination, isn't it?
Tell him, Father.
Oh, heavens, not at all!
It's not as though he's gay.
Get outta here, you intolerant jagoff!
[Scream]
I'm still not havin' this under my roof.
Tell your friend to leave!
Jetsie's my apprentice, and he's staying!
I said scram, Dutchie!!
[Jetsie whimpering]
Jetsie, wait!
I don't care what she says! We're a team!
Freeze spell! Freeze spell! Wall of Stopping!
[Sigh]
What is wrong with you?
We're not hurting anybody!
I can't accept this.
A grown boy pretending and make-believing?
It's too weird!
"Too weird?"
In a family that used to pretend
everything was normal while our father was out
running a crime syndicate?
A family - Italian, mind you -
that now lives as Scottish Canadians
under an assumed name?
Face it, Mom -
our whole life is one big LARP...
Double glitter truth bomb.
Just stop it, ya freak.
Hey, that priest dropped his holy water.
Ow! It burns! It burns! [Gasping in pain]
Come on![Laugh]
Jimmy, stop!
The joke's over!
[Laugh]
Take that, ya salty dog!
Enough!
You two are crazy and dangerous!
Of course we are! We're pirates, for chrissake!
No, you're not!
You're idiots!
Consider yourselves fired!
CLAIRE: Woo hoo!
We just got jolly-rogered!
Ya know, Jimmy,
I don't even think them guys was real pirates.
Hey, McCool! ...Ooh.
Casey and Finnegan!
What happened to Cheech's hand?
Fishin' accident... [Belch]
But we got it on ice.
I knew you shouldn't have gone fishing without me.
Hop on, gentlemen!
For Canada!
Where universal healthcare even covers stupidity!
Roar!
Aw, this just feels stupid now.
Maybe Mom's right.
We're just a bunch of losers in bathrobes
tossing paper balls at each other.
Roaa-
Whoa! Who is that?
♪
♪♪
Red hair and purple robes?
Where have I seen that color scheme before?
Thunder Fists! Eardrum shatter!
Dazzle Puff! Berzerker Thumb!
Allergy Spell!
Feel the wrath of Flindor McDougal!
Go ahead, do it... Mom!
Did you say Mom?
No wonder people think we're losers.
Oh...[Shout]
Thunder purse! Thunder purse!
Sanitary Napkin! Electric... shoe?
Mom!
I'm not Mom - I'm Cookie the Concubine!
You mean "conqueror?"
I just picked a word, Petey.
What the heck is a "thunder purse?"
I don't know,
but it just saved your life, ya little prick.
Thanks, Mom. That was great.
I thought about what you said, and you were right.
But for God's sake,
don't let your father know about this.
He's not gonna like the idea of his son
dressin' up in costumes.[Horse whinnies]
Avast there, it's a sea gremlin!
Get 'im, Jimmy!
C'mere!
Dad, stop! That's my friend!
Yer next, elf!
Ow! God!
Thank you for knowing what I was!
Aye!
Thar be the booty I been cravin'!
[Laugh]
[Gasping in pain]
Thunder Purse, bitch!