1 00:00:01,609 --> 00:00:03,263 Greetings! 2 00:00:03,263 --> 00:00:05,048 You know me as Petey McDougal, Canadian nerd. 3 00:00:05,048 --> 00:00:07,137 You also know me as Petey Falcone, 4 00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:08,834 New York dork. 5 00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,966 Like other misfits of my ilk, 6 00:00:10,966 --> 00:00:13,360 I never really felt like I fit in. 7 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:15,101 Hello. Congratulations! 8 00:00:15,101 --> 00:00:16,972 PETEY: This was especially apparent 9 00:00:16,972 --> 00:00:19,584 in our old life among "the Family." 10 00:00:19,584 --> 00:00:21,890 Yo Petey, try this lasagna! 11 00:00:21,890 --> 00:00:24,197 It's like angels singin' in your mouth. 12 00:00:24,197 --> 00:00:26,417 No thanks. I'm lactose intolerant. 13 00:00:26,417 --> 00:00:28,767 And pasta's not good for my gluten sensitivity. 14 00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:30,508 Ya know what makes me sensitive? 15 00:00:30,508 --> 00:00:32,379 Jagoffs with no manners! 16 00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:33,946 Eat the [bleep]in' food, ya mook! 17 00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:37,471 [Choking and swallowing] 18 00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,125 Heeeey, kid! 19 00:00:39,125 --> 00:00:41,562 Have some wine! I won't tell your folks. 20 00:00:41,562 --> 00:00:43,782 Actually, [hiccup] it was their idea. 21 00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:45,479 Ya need to loosen up. 22 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:48,352 Cheech, I've seen what alcohol does to people - 23 00:00:48,352 --> 00:00:49,918 namely you, and - 24 00:00:49,918 --> 00:00:51,442 [Sputtering] 25 00:00:51,442 --> 00:00:53,183 Learn to live a little, kid! 26 00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:55,663 [Laughing] 27 00:00:55,663 --> 00:00:57,448 [Cough] What are you doing?! 28 00:00:57,448 --> 00:00:59,798 The bride gave birth to a boy this morning! 29 00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:02,235 We're celebratin'! Smoke up, kid. 30 00:01:02,235 --> 00:01:03,889 It's bad luck if ya don't. 31 00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:05,499 Really?Hell if I know. 32 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:08,154 [Wheezing and gagging] 33 00:01:09,329 --> 00:01:10,983 [Crying] 34 00:01:10,983 --> 00:01:13,072 I was gonna steal that, dumbass! 35 00:01:13,072 --> 00:01:14,726 Now that we're in Canada, 36 00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:16,641 I finally feel like I fit in. 37 00:01:16,641 --> 00:01:18,295 And I'm sure, in time, 38 00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:19,992 the rest of my family will learn 39 00:01:19,992 --> 00:01:22,429 to love it here as much as I do! 40 00:01:22,429 --> 00:01:24,127 OTHERS: Fugget about it! 41 00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:25,737 ♪ Let me tell you something 42 00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,391 ♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪ 43 00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:30,481 ♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪ 44 00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:32,874 ♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪ 45 00:01:32,874 --> 00:01:34,485 ♪ he take the boss, 46 00:01:34,485 --> 00:01:36,400 ♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪ 47 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,446 ♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead ♪ 48 00:01:39,446 --> 00:01:42,710 ♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪ 49 00:01:42,710 --> 00:01:45,757 ♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪ 50 00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:48,368 ♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan. ♪ 51 00:01:48,368 --> 00:01:51,110 ♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it! 52 00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:53,808 ♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪ 53 00:01:58,073 --> 00:02:01,076 [Moan] Keep jerking it, Jetsie... 54 00:02:01,076 --> 00:02:03,731 [Gasp]Almost there... 55 00:02:03,731 --> 00:02:05,603 PETEY: That's it. 56 00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:07,822 Yeah, that's good... 57 00:02:07,822 --> 00:02:10,129 [Jetsie's muffled voice] 58 00:02:10,129 --> 00:02:12,436 Relax, Cookie. It's not what you think! 59 00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:14,046 I'm sure there's a logical - 60 00:02:14,046 --> 00:02:15,874 PETEY: Slide it in and out... 61 00:02:15,874 --> 00:02:17,528 slowly. 62 00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:19,486 Okay, ya went to a Catholic school. 63 00:02:19,486 --> 00:02:21,096 This kinda thing happens all the time. 64 00:02:21,096 --> 00:02:22,881 Oh God, listen to yourself! 65 00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:24,274 [Petey yelps] 66 00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:25,753 You pricked me! 67 00:02:25,753 --> 00:02:27,538 Spit that out. 68 00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:29,496 You do not want to swallow it. 69 00:02:29,496 --> 00:02:31,716 COOKIE: Jesus Christ on a bike! 70 00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:37,417 Ta-dah! What do ya think? 71 00:02:37,417 --> 00:02:39,419 Cheech, we're tryin to keep a low profile here, 72 00:02:39,419 --> 00:02:41,029 so you go and swipe a boat? 73 00:02:41,029 --> 00:02:43,031 Swipe? Gimme some credit! 74 00:02:43,031 --> 00:02:44,729 I got it at the police auction. 75 00:02:44,729 --> 00:02:46,687 Let's start the bidding at 500! 76 00:02:46,687 --> 00:02:48,472 Who'll give me five-Sold! 77 00:02:51,257 --> 00:02:53,868 It was a steal, Jimmy - 'cept I paid for it. 78 00:02:53,868 --> 00:02:55,435 We live on the prairies! 79 00:02:55,435 --> 00:02:57,394 What are we gonna sail on, seas of wheat? 80 00:02:57,394 --> 00:02:58,960 There's a lake near here. 81 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,571 We'll go fishin', like the old days, 82 00:03:00,571 --> 00:03:03,182 'cept without dead wiseguys cloggin' up the water. 83 00:03:03,182 --> 00:03:04,749 Cheech, I'm married. 84 00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:06,794 I can't just take off whenever I want. 85 00:03:06,794 --> 00:03:08,535 I was married. I took off all the time! 86 00:03:08,535 --> 00:03:09,841 And how'd that work out for ya? 87 00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:12,147 I'm gonna die alone. 88 00:03:12,147 --> 00:03:14,672 I gotta clear this kinda stuff with Cookie. 89 00:03:14,672 --> 00:03:16,239 I gotta drop reminders, 90 00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:18,415 sweet-talk her, negotiate terms. 91 00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:21,156 Peace in the Middle East'd take less diplomacy! 92 00:03:21,156 --> 00:03:23,376 Hey Cook, we're goin' fishin'.Great idea! 93 00:03:23,376 --> 00:03:25,160 Absolutely! Go fishing! 94 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,250 Get outta here, far away from Petey! 95 00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:29,687 Huh?Never mind, just go. 96 00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:32,646 [Sigh] No wait, 97 00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:35,345 there is something we need to talk about... 98 00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:36,781 Love ya, babe! 99 00:03:40,175 --> 00:03:43,483 So, I think your brother might be... 100 00:03:43,483 --> 00:03:45,224 gay. 101 00:03:45,224 --> 00:03:47,835 And if he is, I wanna make sure neither of you 102 00:03:47,835 --> 00:03:49,446 gives him a hard time about it. 103 00:03:49,446 --> 00:03:52,231 What do you take us for? He's our brother! 104 00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:54,625 I know we bust his balls, but we got his back. 105 00:03:54,625 --> 00:03:56,931 Apparently so does Jetsie... 106 00:03:56,931 --> 00:03:58,890 Theresa, what'd I say?! 107 00:03:58,890 --> 00:04:00,326 Ma, I'm just playin'. 108 00:04:00,326 --> 00:04:01,806 Well, stop! 109 00:04:01,806 --> 00:04:03,155 I'm havin' a hard time with this! 110 00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:05,331 Get over it! 111 00:04:05,331 --> 00:04:07,681 Ya wanna wind up like Mrs. Scavuzzo? 112 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:10,162 She rejected her boy 'coz he was gay. 113 00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:12,033 Died alone. Cats ate her face. 114 00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:13,644 Ya want that, Ma? 115 00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:15,254 Ya want a cat eatin' your face? 116 00:04:15,254 --> 00:04:16,864 ...'Cause I know a guy. 117 00:04:16,864 --> 00:04:18,910 But I don't know what I'm supposed to do! 118 00:04:20,041 --> 00:04:21,913 You can act like a mom! 119 00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,784 ...And never buy a cat. 120 00:04:23,784 --> 00:04:26,396 You're right. I can do this! 121 00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:29,050 I'm gonna be the best damn mother of a gay you ever saw! 122 00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:32,184 You know he's not, right? 123 00:04:32,184 --> 00:04:33,794 Oh God, of course! 124 00:04:33,794 --> 00:04:35,405 He's not cool enough to be gay. 125 00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,015 If he was, 126 00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:38,538 at least he'd have a personality. 127 00:04:38,538 --> 00:04:39,844 [Laugh] 128 00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:41,454 This is fun. 129 00:04:41,454 --> 00:04:44,109 What, are we bonding now? Shut up! 130 00:04:51,899 --> 00:04:53,771 I tell ya, Cheech, 131 00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:56,426 Ya can't beat the peace and quiet of a fishin' trip. 132 00:04:58,253 --> 00:05:00,734 Oh, you want some of dis?!Who'za big fish now? 133 00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,257 Say hi to your mother for me! 134 00:05:02,257 --> 00:05:03,868 Eat lead, fish-dick! 135 00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:06,349 I got your catch and release right here, ya [bleep]in' mutt! 136 00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:08,089 Ya broke my heart, ya scaly prick! 137 00:05:10,657 --> 00:05:12,746 I'm out.Me too. 138 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,705 So relaxin'! 139 00:05:14,705 --> 00:05:17,490 Now them fishes are sleepin' with the fishes. 140 00:05:17,490 --> 00:05:19,187 [Both laugh] 141 00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:27,631 So, young Petey is a homosexual! 142 00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:29,241 Splendid! 143 00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:30,851 I'm glad you called me, Cookie. 144 00:05:30,851 --> 00:05:32,418 Good, 'coz I don't know how to tell him 145 00:05:32,418 --> 00:05:33,941 he has my support. 146 00:05:33,941 --> 00:05:35,421 Can ya help me out? 147 00:05:35,421 --> 00:05:37,728 I can do better than help you, Cookie! 148 00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:40,731 I can refer you to a qualified colleague... 149 00:05:40,731 --> 00:05:43,037 And no, I'm not deflecting your request 150 00:05:43,037 --> 00:05:44,865 because it makes me uncomfortable. 151 00:05:44,865 --> 00:05:47,085 Here in Canada, we pride ourselves on our pride! 152 00:05:48,608 --> 00:05:50,741 By the by, how's Jimmy taking this? 153 00:05:50,741 --> 00:05:52,699 Oh God, Jimmy doesn't know anything yet. 154 00:05:52,699 --> 00:05:54,092 He's gone fishin' with Cheech. 155 00:05:54,092 --> 00:05:55,485 Fishing? 156 00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:58,357 I got no idea what Jimmy'll do when he finds out. 157 00:05:58,357 --> 00:06:00,011 Did he mention being angry with me? 158 00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,056 Because I've told him I'm an avid fisherman. 159 00:06:02,056 --> 00:06:03,971 But he loves Petey, so who knows? 160 00:06:05,103 --> 00:06:06,539 I'm sorry, what? 161 00:06:06,539 --> 00:06:08,106 Just checking for texts from Jimmy... 162 00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:11,152 No, nothing here. 163 00:06:11,152 --> 00:06:13,067 Do you think it would be weird if I just showed up? 164 00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:15,287 Showed up where?At the fishing trip. 165 00:06:15,287 --> 00:06:17,507 I thought we were talkin' about Petey! 166 00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,334 Oh right, I'll get my colleague to come see you. 167 00:06:20,423 --> 00:06:21,598 For Canada! 168 00:06:21,598 --> 00:06:23,426 Where friends are supposed to 169 00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:25,253 tell friends about fishing trips! 170 00:06:31,085 --> 00:06:35,960 ♪ [Jaws-like music] 171 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,831 [Both laughing] 172 00:06:39,572 --> 00:06:41,835 Don't move! Don't move, I said! 173 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,054 What the hell?! 174 00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:45,404 Look at me. Look at me! 175 00:06:45,404 --> 00:06:46,884 I am the Captain now. 176 00:06:46,884 --> 00:06:48,581 Oh, no no no. 177 00:06:48,581 --> 00:06:50,061 I don't look at you, you look at me. 178 00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:51,584 Look at me!Look at me! 179 00:06:51,584 --> 00:06:53,804 Look at ME!Look at me! 180 00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:55,762 Don't look at me. Look at him! 181 00:06:55,762 --> 00:06:57,808 Look at me!Look at me! 182 00:06:57,808 --> 00:06:59,374 Don't say look at me, just look at me! 183 00:06:59,374 --> 00:07:00,767 Look at me! 184 00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:02,595 Look at you, bein' all "look at me!" 185 00:07:02,595 --> 00:07:03,901 LOOK AT ME! 186 00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,642 Ey, look at me! 187 00:07:07,252 --> 00:07:08,906 Enough! I am Ghedi. 188 00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:10,516 This is Jiani. 189 00:07:10,516 --> 00:07:12,518 We own this boat now, understand? 190 00:07:12,518 --> 00:07:14,781 Hey, I own this boat, pal. 191 00:07:14,781 --> 00:07:16,566 Ya want it? Make me an offer. 192 00:07:16,566 --> 00:07:18,698 I'll shoot your fat friend and dump him over the side. 193 00:07:18,698 --> 00:07:19,917 Hey! 194 00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:22,006 Jimmy, quiet. I'm negotiatin' here. 195 00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:25,226 Alright, say ya shoot fatso. 196 00:07:25,226 --> 00:07:27,011 What's in it for me? 197 00:07:29,622 --> 00:07:32,625 [Both sipping tea] 198 00:07:32,625 --> 00:07:35,715 [Both sipping tea] 199 00:07:35,715 --> 00:07:38,065 So, are you sure this isn't going be 200 00:07:38,065 --> 00:07:39,980 too intense for you? 201 00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:42,330 Maybe, but it's something I need to do. 202 00:07:42,330 --> 00:07:44,855 Why don't we ease into it, then? 203 00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:47,205 Take it nice and slow. 204 00:07:47,205 --> 00:07:48,641 Uh... 205 00:07:48,641 --> 00:07:51,122 What's goin' on with the hand down there? 206 00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:52,950 Uh, foreplay? 207 00:07:52,950 --> 00:07:54,908 Isn't this what you wanted? 208 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:57,868 No! I need advice about helping my son come out of the closet. 209 00:07:57,868 --> 00:08:00,523 Oh my god, I'm so sorry. 210 00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:03,177 I thought this was a booty call! 211 00:08:03,177 --> 00:08:06,137 McCool kept talking about... [whisper] 212 00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:08,705 I think he said "fishing." 213 00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:10,576 He's all upset my husband went without him. 214 00:08:10,576 --> 00:08:11,882 Oh. 215 00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:13,448 It was hard to understand McCool. 216 00:08:13,448 --> 00:08:15,146 He was so distraught. 217 00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:17,714 Oh, this is embarrassing.Don't worry about it. 218 00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:20,368 ...and a little disappointing. 219 00:08:20,368 --> 00:08:21,631 Oh? Why? 220 00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:24,024 Well, you're gorgeous. 221 00:08:24,024 --> 00:08:25,939 Oh, stop! 222 00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,462 So, about your son - 223 00:08:27,462 --> 00:08:29,073 [Shushing] 224 00:08:29,073 --> 00:08:30,901 Gorgeous? How? 225 00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:33,599 Just curious, but... 226 00:08:33,599 --> 00:08:36,341 what would ya do to a gal like me? 227 00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:38,082 Gimme a "for instance." 228 00:08:38,082 --> 00:08:39,562 [Whispering] 229 00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:41,607 [Giggling] 230 00:08:41,607 --> 00:08:43,609 [Whispering]Whoa! 231 00:08:43,609 --> 00:08:45,480 That is something! 232 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:48,092 So where do these scissors I keep hearing about come into it? 233 00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:49,006 [Gasp] 234 00:08:50,790 --> 00:08:52,749 You guys are not gonna believe this, 235 00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:55,012 but I think Mom might be gay! 236 00:08:56,883 --> 00:08:59,669 [Laugh] And the hits just keep comin'! 237 00:09:02,585 --> 00:09:05,413 Petey this is huge! 238 00:09:05,413 --> 00:09:08,199 Who'da thought Ma was a Lebanese? 239 00:09:08,199 --> 00:09:10,288 Can you imagine what it must have been like 240 00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:12,203 for her in the old neighbourhood, 241 00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:15,336 carrying the desire that dare not speak its name? 242 00:09:15,336 --> 00:09:17,948 Yeah, they weren't big on that back home. 243 00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:20,254 And they hated people who said stuff like 244 00:09:20,254 --> 00:09:22,300 "dare not speak its name." 245 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,041 So what are we gonna do? 246 00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:26,826 Give her the love and acceptance she deserves. 247 00:09:26,826 --> 00:09:28,393 Duh! 248 00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,525 [Chuckle] Yeah, yeah, 249 00:09:30,525 --> 00:09:32,789 but don't come right out and tell her we know. 250 00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:34,791 I mean, she might not be ready for that. 251 00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:36,444 Good idea! 252 00:09:36,444 --> 00:09:38,664 I'm going to show her I'm behind her 100%! 253 00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:42,581 [Both laugh] 254 00:09:42,581 --> 00:09:44,539 I ain't had this much fun 255 00:09:44,539 --> 00:09:47,194 since I switched your birth control pills with breath mints! 256 00:09:47,194 --> 00:09:48,152 [Laugh] 257 00:09:48,152 --> 00:09:49,849 [Gasp] 258 00:09:49,849 --> 00:09:51,503 That's why I've been so minty down there. 259 00:09:54,941 --> 00:09:57,857 Why is there nothing on this boat but beer and Grappa? 260 00:09:57,857 --> 00:10:01,165 'Coz Jimmy says, "Cocaine and boating don't mix." 261 00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:03,863 This is pointless! We need money! 262 00:10:03,863 --> 00:10:06,736 For a jolly pirate crew, you guys ain't too jolly. 263 00:10:06,736 --> 00:10:08,999 Jolly pirates?! 264 00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:11,958 We did it to survive a brutal civil war. 265 00:10:11,958 --> 00:10:14,395 We fled to Canada for a better life, 266 00:10:14,395 --> 00:10:16,354 but now we are being deported. 267 00:10:16,354 --> 00:10:19,487 We need money for an immigration lawyer fast! 268 00:10:19,487 --> 00:10:21,664 Problem is your crew's too small. 269 00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:23,056 Ya need a few more hands on deck. 270 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,579 Please! 271 00:10:24,579 --> 00:10:26,233 Where could I possibly find experienced hijackers 272 00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:27,670 in Regina beach? 273 00:10:28,888 --> 00:10:31,021 You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? 274 00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:33,023 Honestly, I don't even know if 275 00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:34,851 I'm thinkin' what I'm thinkin'. 276 00:10:36,243 --> 00:10:37,636 Ya ever hear voices, Jimmy? 277 00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:46,340 Ma, there's a secret living in this house - 278 00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:48,516 an elephant in the room, if you will. 279 00:10:48,516 --> 00:10:50,083 I know, Petey. 280 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,042 A big, gay elephant. 281 00:10:52,042 --> 00:10:53,478 [Sniffle] 282 00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:54,958 That elephant needs to know 283 00:10:54,958 --> 00:10:57,003 they're loved and supported. 284 00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:58,309 I couldn't agree more! 285 00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:00,964 What about papa elephant? 286 00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:02,530 We'll tell papa elephant 287 00:11:02,530 --> 00:11:04,358 when the gay elephant is good and ready. 288 00:11:04,358 --> 00:11:06,360 And when the time comes, 289 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,363 that elephant is not going to be alone. 290 00:11:09,363 --> 00:11:11,844 No, that elephant isn't. 291 00:11:11,844 --> 00:11:14,151 [Sniff] I'm glad we cleared this up. 292 00:11:14,151 --> 00:11:16,022 It's good to get things out in the open. 293 00:11:16,022 --> 00:11:17,763 It sure is. 294 00:11:17,763 --> 00:11:20,331 I feel sorry for families that don't know how to communicate. 295 00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:22,072 [Happy sigh] 296 00:11:22,072 --> 00:11:24,422 JIMMY: Ahoy there, Cappie! 297 00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:26,337 Avast, ye landlubbers! 298 00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:27,860 What are you doing? 299 00:11:27,860 --> 00:11:29,427 This is not some dress-up game! 300 00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:32,299 Ah c'mon, who doesn't want to be a pirate? 301 00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:35,520 You boys need our help, and ya know it! 302 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,304 [Sigh] Fine. 303 00:11:37,304 --> 00:11:38,915 We're desperate, 304 00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:40,525 and you Canadians are very helpful. 305 00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:43,223 By the way, real pirates don't dress like that. 306 00:11:43,223 --> 00:11:45,660 But I already cut off my hand! 307 00:11:45,660 --> 00:11:47,271 Whadja do that for? 308 00:11:47,271 --> 00:11:48,925 A pirate's gotta have a hook. 309 00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:50,665 Quickly, where is the hand now? 310 00:11:50,665 --> 00:11:52,015 We must put it on ice immediately! 311 00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:53,407 Here it is! 312 00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:56,759 Alright, all hands on deck! 313 00:11:57,890 --> 00:11:59,500 Oh, sorry, Cheech. 314 00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:01,198 I've come to terms with my choice. 315 00:12:04,027 --> 00:12:06,681 Uh, Mom?Yes, Petey? 316 00:12:06,681 --> 00:12:09,772 There's this Pride rally downtown this afternoon and - 317 00:12:09,772 --> 00:12:12,470 It'd be an honour to be beside my boy! 318 00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:14,689 Now that the elephant's out of the closet, 319 00:12:14,689 --> 00:12:17,649 let's parade it through the streets! 320 00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:21,131 ♪ [Electronic dance music] 321 00:12:21,131 --> 00:12:24,656 ♪ [Electronic dance music] ♪ 322 00:12:24,656 --> 00:12:28,138 ♪ [Electronic dance music] 323 00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:31,663 ♪ [Electronic dance music] ♪ 324 00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:34,622 ♪ [Electronic dance music] 325 00:12:34,622 --> 00:12:36,407 BOTH: Huh? Whaaat? 326 00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:38,888 [Sisters laughing] 327 00:12:38,888 --> 00:12:40,498 Yeah, laugh it up! 328 00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:42,239 You're both gonna burn in Hell! 329 00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:43,762 So if you're not gay, 330 00:12:43,762 --> 00:12:45,633 and the little Dutch boy wasn't 331 00:12:45,633 --> 00:12:47,070 pokin' his finger in your dyke, 332 00:12:47,070 --> 00:12:48,593 what the hell were ya doin'? 333 00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:50,725 I told you, it was nothing! 334 00:12:50,725 --> 00:12:53,380 That was NOT nothing, young man. Spit it out! 335 00:12:53,380 --> 00:12:55,208 Ugh, fine. 336 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,471 But I think it'd be easier if I showed you. 337 00:12:58,864 --> 00:13:01,084 If he comes back in a dress, I'm gonna [bleep]! 338 00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:05,131 ♪ 339 00:13:05,131 --> 00:13:09,092 ♪♪ 340 00:13:09,092 --> 00:13:13,139 ♪ 341 00:13:13,139 --> 00:13:17,709 ♪♪ 342 00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:20,016 I am Flindor, 343 00:13:20,016 --> 00:13:22,192 the Elven Spellcaster, 344 00:13:22,192 --> 00:13:24,020 a seventh level Mage!! 345 00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:27,414 I don't understand a word you just said. 346 00:13:27,414 --> 00:13:29,677 I'm a LARP-er! 347 00:13:29,677 --> 00:13:31,418 What is that, Swedish for "loser?" 348 00:13:31,418 --> 00:13:32,724 No! 349 00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,726 It's Live Action Role Playing. 350 00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:37,120 LARP! We dress up in costumes! 351 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,773 Oh, it's like 352 00:13:38,773 --> 00:13:40,688 when ya dress up as a French maid 353 00:13:40,688 --> 00:13:42,299 or put on a leather gimp suit, right? 354 00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:44,605 No, that's good, wholesome fun. 355 00:13:44,605 --> 00:13:46,564 I got no freakin' idea what this is! 356 00:13:46,564 --> 00:13:47,957 [Sigh] 357 00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:54,180 Problem is you been pickin' the wrong targets, Ghedi! 358 00:13:54,180 --> 00:13:56,139 What you want is an RV. 359 00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:58,924 Them things are packed with a king's ransom o' treasure. 360 00:13:58,924 --> 00:14:00,839 [Belch]What about your uncle's hand? 361 00:14:00,839 --> 00:14:02,362 We need to go to a hospital! 362 00:14:02,362 --> 00:14:04,147 Ah, he'll be fine. 363 00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:06,366 He's had so many beers, he can't feel nothin'! 364 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:09,500 Ah, that's better. 365 00:14:11,197 --> 00:14:13,199 There's a galleon on the port bow! 366 00:14:13,199 --> 00:14:15,158 Or is it starboard? Which one's left? 367 00:14:17,116 --> 00:14:18,857 I used to know this. 368 00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:21,381 [Laugh] 369 00:14:21,381 --> 00:14:23,514 "Get pirate insurance," I said. 370 00:14:23,514 --> 00:14:25,168 "You never know," I said. 371 00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:27,518 But would you listen? 372 00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:29,128 I'm going to watch TV - 373 00:14:29,128 --> 00:14:31,391 and I don't care if it drains the battery! 374 00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:36,135 Prepare to be boarded, ye scurvy dogs! 375 00:14:36,135 --> 00:14:38,181 Hoist the mizzen whatsist on the wibble wobble! 376 00:14:40,487 --> 00:14:42,533 Ho! Where'd he get those? 377 00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:45,101 It's standard now on all American-made RV's. 378 00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:47,451 [Blast]God bless the NRA. 379 00:14:50,584 --> 00:14:51,977 [Laugh] 380 00:14:53,587 --> 00:14:54,980 Dave, the pirates are here. 381 00:14:58,418 --> 00:15:00,159 I still don't get it. 382 00:15:00,159 --> 00:15:01,639 Is LARP a sport? 383 00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:03,206 Not exactly. 384 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,816 Do you win prizes? 385 00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:07,253 No, we get Experience Points. 386 00:15:07,253 --> 00:15:09,821 Then we use those to level up and -Shaddup. 387 00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:11,649 I stopped listenin' after "No." 388 00:15:11,649 --> 00:15:13,346 None of this makes sense. 389 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:14,957 Patience! 390 00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,741 All will be revealed... 391 00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:20,484 ♪ 392 00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:21,964 Roar! 393 00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:24,444 A Minotaur! Back foul creature! 394 00:15:24,444 --> 00:15:26,577 Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! 395 00:15:28,622 --> 00:15:30,494 Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! 396 00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,365 Fireball! Fireball! 397 00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,454 Ow! Watch it! 398 00:15:34,454 --> 00:15:35,978 That was really close to my eye! 399 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,937 "MINOTAUR": Roar! 400 00:15:38,937 --> 00:15:41,113 Backstab! Double damage! 401 00:15:41,113 --> 00:15:43,898 Aannnd... confetti deathblow! 402 00:15:43,898 --> 00:15:45,378 [Shudder] 403 00:15:46,945 --> 00:15:49,600 So Ma, what did you think? 404 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,341 I think I'm gonna 405 00:15:51,341 --> 00:15:53,430 confetti deathblow my [bleep]in' brains out. 406 00:15:56,085 --> 00:15:58,174 That was the most 407 00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:00,263 mortifyin' thing I've ever seen! 408 00:16:00,263 --> 00:16:02,482 Why can't ya pick up a nice drug habit, 409 00:16:02,482 --> 00:16:04,180 like a normal kid? 410 00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:06,486 What happened to supporting me, no matter what? 411 00:16:06,486 --> 00:16:09,228 That was when you were gay, not when you were a fairy! 412 00:16:09,228 --> 00:16:11,752 I'm an Elf! I WISH I was a Fairy! 413 00:16:11,752 --> 00:16:13,406 That's a whole other level! 414 00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,582 You need to learn sixth-level enchantments and - 415 00:16:15,582 --> 00:16:16,931 Enough! 416 00:16:16,931 --> 00:16:19,499 This is just... unnatural! 417 00:16:19,499 --> 00:16:22,111 Well, this is who I am! 418 00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:24,069 No, it's not! 419 00:16:24,069 --> 00:16:25,810 You're choosing to be this way! 420 00:16:25,810 --> 00:16:27,333 All you need is to do is, 421 00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:28,856 I dunno, meet the right girl. 422 00:16:28,856 --> 00:16:31,250 Oh, this is all my fault! 423 00:16:31,250 --> 00:16:32,817 I shoulda pushed him into sports! 424 00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:34,253 [Sigh] 425 00:16:35,646 --> 00:16:37,517 It gets better, Petey... 426 00:16:37,517 --> 00:16:39,128 Trust me, 427 00:16:39,128 --> 00:16:40,999 it does NOT get better. 428 00:16:43,741 --> 00:16:45,699 One more score like this, 429 00:16:45,699 --> 00:16:47,092 and you'll have immigration lawyers 430 00:16:47,092 --> 00:16:48,746 comin' out yer ass! 431 00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:50,356 Damn it's fun bein' a pirate! 432 00:16:50,356 --> 00:16:52,315 It's not meant to be fun! 433 00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:54,404 We do it for survival! 434 00:16:54,404 --> 00:16:57,102 What about the pillagin'? That part's fun, right? 435 00:16:57,102 --> 00:16:58,625 Those are Vikings! 436 00:16:58,625 --> 00:17:00,801 [Gasp] We should be those next! 437 00:17:00,801 --> 00:17:02,542 So what do we do with this scallywag? 438 00:17:03,761 --> 00:17:05,980 CLAIRE: Make him walk the plank! 439 00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:07,460 [Chuckle] 440 00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:08,809 [Smooch] 441 00:17:09,897 --> 00:17:12,422 [Making out] 442 00:17:15,033 --> 00:17:16,774 [Knocking on door] 443 00:17:16,774 --> 00:17:18,602 COOKIE: Petey? Open up. 444 00:17:18,602 --> 00:17:20,430 Go away!Okay, he's in there. 445 00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:22,084 Get him! 446 00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:24,216 Cast out the foul demon, Father! 447 00:17:24,216 --> 00:17:26,088 The power of Christ compels you! 448 00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,481 Gah! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! 449 00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:30,483 See, Father? What'd I tell ya? 450 00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:32,050 He's all wrapped up in the occult! 451 00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:33,921 I'm not possessed! 452 00:17:33,921 --> 00:17:36,402 I'm a LARP-er! That's not a sin. 453 00:17:36,402 --> 00:17:38,361 But it's an abomination, isn't it? 454 00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:39,884 Tell him, Father. 455 00:17:39,884 --> 00:17:41,581 Oh, heavens, not at all! 456 00:17:41,581 --> 00:17:42,887 It's not as though he's gay. 457 00:17:44,149 --> 00:17:46,020 Get outta here, you intolerant jagoff! 458 00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:47,674 [Scream] 459 00:17:47,674 --> 00:17:49,589 I'm still not havin' this under my roof. 460 00:17:49,589 --> 00:17:51,200 Tell your friend to leave! 461 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:54,377 Jetsie's my apprentice, and he's staying! 462 00:17:54,377 --> 00:17:56,596 I said scram, Dutchie!! 463 00:17:56,596 --> 00:17:58,555 [Jetsie whimpering] 464 00:17:58,555 --> 00:18:00,296 Jetsie, wait! 465 00:18:00,296 --> 00:18:02,733 I don't care what she says! We're a team! 466 00:18:04,082 --> 00:18:07,129 Freeze spell! Freeze spell! Wall of Stopping! 467 00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:09,392 [Sigh] 468 00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:11,045 What is wrong with you? 469 00:18:11,045 --> 00:18:12,917 We're not hurting anybody! 470 00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:14,745 I can't accept this. 471 00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:17,008 A grown boy pretending and make-believing? 472 00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:18,488 It's too weird! 473 00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:20,272 "Too weird?" 474 00:18:20,272 --> 00:18:22,056 In a family that used to pretend 475 00:18:22,056 --> 00:18:24,233 everything was normal while our father was out 476 00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:26,104 running a crime syndicate? 477 00:18:26,104 --> 00:18:28,367 A family - Italian, mind you - 478 00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,543 that now lives as Scottish Canadians 479 00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:32,415 under an assumed name? 480 00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:34,112 Face it, Mom - 481 00:18:34,112 --> 00:18:38,247 our whole life is one big LARP... 482 00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:40,640 Double glitter truth bomb. 483 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,947 Just stop it, ya freak. 484 00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:46,907 Hey, that priest dropped his holy water. 485 00:18:46,907 --> 00:18:50,172 Ow! It burns! It burns! [Gasping in pain] 486 00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:56,003 Come on![Laugh] 487 00:18:56,003 --> 00:18:57,570 Jimmy, stop! 488 00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,355 The joke's over! 489 00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:00,443 [Laugh] 490 00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:02,140 Take that, ya salty dog! 491 00:19:04,273 --> 00:19:05,839 Enough! 492 00:19:05,839 --> 00:19:08,233 You two are crazy and dangerous! 493 00:19:08,233 --> 00:19:10,931 Of course we are! We're pirates, for chrissake! 494 00:19:10,931 --> 00:19:12,455 No, you're not! 495 00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:13,978 You're idiots! 496 00:19:13,978 --> 00:19:15,849 Consider yourselves fired! 497 00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:20,680 CLAIRE: Woo hoo! 498 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,639 We just got jolly-rogered! 499 00:19:22,639 --> 00:19:24,293 Ya know, Jimmy, 500 00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:26,469 I don't even think them guys was real pirates. 501 00:19:27,818 --> 00:19:29,689 Hey, McCool! ...Ooh. 502 00:19:30,864 --> 00:19:32,910 Casey and Finnegan! 503 00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,694 What happened to Cheech's hand? 504 00:19:34,694 --> 00:19:37,131 Fishin' accident... [Belch] 505 00:19:37,131 --> 00:19:39,003 But we got it on ice. 506 00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:41,353 I knew you shouldn't have gone fishing without me. 507 00:19:41,353 --> 00:19:42,833 Hop on, gentlemen! 508 00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,530 For Canada! 509 00:19:44,530 --> 00:19:47,707 Where universal healthcare even covers stupidity! 510 00:19:55,759 --> 00:19:57,717 Roar! 511 00:20:03,375 --> 00:20:05,551 Aw, this just feels stupid now. 512 00:20:05,551 --> 00:20:07,423 Maybe Mom's right. 513 00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,642 We're just a bunch of losers in bathrobes 514 00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,775 tossing paper balls at each other. 515 00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:13,690 Roaa- 516 00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:15,561 Whoa! Who is that? 517 00:20:15,561 --> 00:20:18,608 ♪ 518 00:20:18,608 --> 00:20:21,741 ♪♪ 519 00:20:21,741 --> 00:20:24,004 Red hair and purple robes? 520 00:20:24,004 --> 00:20:26,224 Where have I seen that color scheme before? 521 00:20:29,183 --> 00:20:31,360 Thunder Fists! Eardrum shatter! 522 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,318 Dazzle Puff! Berzerker Thumb! 523 00:20:33,318 --> 00:20:34,928 Allergy Spell! 524 00:20:34,928 --> 00:20:38,192 Feel the wrath of Flindor McDougal! 525 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,592 Go ahead, do it... Mom! 526 00:20:47,854 --> 00:20:49,508 Did you say Mom? 527 00:20:49,508 --> 00:20:51,205 No wonder people think we're losers. 528 00:20:51,205 --> 00:20:53,295 Oh...[Shout] 529 00:20:55,427 --> 00:20:57,429 Thunder purse! Thunder purse! 530 00:20:57,429 --> 00:20:59,692 Sanitary Napkin! Electric... shoe? 531 00:21:03,261 --> 00:21:04,436 Mom! 532 00:21:04,436 --> 00:21:07,265 I'm not Mom - I'm Cookie the Concubine! 533 00:21:08,397 --> 00:21:09,876 You mean "conqueror?" 534 00:21:09,876 --> 00:21:11,313 I just picked a word, Petey. 535 00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:13,402 What the heck is a "thunder purse?" 536 00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:15,099 I don't know, 537 00:21:15,099 --> 00:21:17,188 but it just saved your life, ya little prick. 538 00:21:17,188 --> 00:21:19,973 Thanks, Mom. That was great. 539 00:21:19,973 --> 00:21:22,367 I thought about what you said, and you were right. 540 00:21:22,367 --> 00:21:23,977 But for God's sake, 541 00:21:23,977 --> 00:21:26,023 don't let your father know about this. 542 00:21:26,023 --> 00:21:28,199 He's not gonna like the idea of his son 543 00:21:28,199 --> 00:21:30,506 dressin' up in costumes.[Horse whinnies] 544 00:21:30,506 --> 00:21:32,072 Avast there, it's a sea gremlin! 545 00:21:32,072 --> 00:21:33,465 Get 'im, Jimmy! 546 00:21:34,553 --> 00:21:35,989 C'mere! 547 00:21:38,557 --> 00:21:40,080 Dad, stop! That's my friend! 548 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,168 Yer next, elf! 549 00:21:42,256 --> 00:21:43,910 Ow! God! 550 00:21:43,910 --> 00:21:46,478 Thank you for knowing what I was! 551 00:21:46,478 --> 00:21:48,001 Aye! 552 00:21:48,001 --> 00:21:49,916 Thar be the booty I been cravin'! 553 00:21:49,916 --> 00:21:51,353 [Laugh] 554 00:21:52,441 --> 00:21:55,444 [Gasping in pain] 555 00:21:55,444 --> 00:21:58,447 [Gasping in pain] 556 00:21:58,447 --> 00:21:59,796 Thunder Purse, bitch!