Greetings Citizens!
The Falcone family
aren't the only ones who had an "old life".
Before I became a witness protector,
I was head
of Saskatchewan Crime Scene Investigations.
And that's when he slipped on the ice and hit his head.
I suppose one could say--
I hope he says "It was an icy reception."
It was an unfortunate accident.
Give him time, he'll get better at these.
MCCOOL: Sadly, my fellow officers watched too much TV
and expected me to entertain them.
Looks like he had a heart attack
while going through the car wash.
I guess he's all-
Washed up. Say washed up!
Done getting his car washed.
This guy is boring.
Shortly thereafter I was pulled off CSI detail
because I refused to belittle police work
with corny one-liners and catchphrases.
For Canada!
Where self-awareness isn't our strong suit.
I wonder where he goes when he takes off like that?
Fugget about it.
♪ Lemme tell you somethin'
♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪
♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪
♪ But then he found out they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪
♪ He take the boss, he threw him from nineteenth floor suite ♪
♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪
♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪
♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪
♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved t'Saskatchewan ♪
♪ Fugget about it!
Oh! Fugget about it!
Thank you, Jayden's father, for telling us
about your exciting job
with Canada's Space Program.
[Applause]
And now from Regina Tourism,
let's do our best to welcome Mr. McDougal.
Why didn't anyone run this by me?
Webster's dictionary defines tourism
as a neurological disorder characterized
by compulsive utterance of obscenities--
That's Tourette's, ya stupid' illiterate [Bleep]!
Huh? Oh, right.
We all know why the chicken crossed the road,
but do you know how?
With the help of tourism, that's --
Too bad ya can't tell 'em about your old job!
The one ya crapped all over
to become a paper-pushin' desk monkey
in a fake-o industry made up by the government!
Ooh, you're a Senator?
Screw you, I work for a livin'!
Yeah, like every other sucker!
Ya make me wanna puke!
[Sighs]
Thanks for helping me practise driving.
But why the disguise?
If I'm seen with a full-on nerd,
the other kids'll think I'm down-trending.
I am not a full-on nerd--
Oh my god look at that Cumulonimbus cloud,
it looks like Schroödinger's cat!
[Gasps]
Victoria Huntersmith.
The kind of girl guys like me admire from afar,
but never, ever get to speak to.
At least that's
what the principal told me at orientation.
Forget the insurance!
Just get out and start punching yourself in the balls
as a sign of inferiority.
Hey, I know you from school!
You're one of the total losers who--
Whoa, is that your girlfriend?
Who? Her?
She's gorgeous. What's your name?
Petey.
You're kinda cute.
Sorry I rammed you from behind.
Maybe you can ram me from the front sometime?
See you at school.
Why'd she leave?
Why isn't she suing and or humiliating you?
I have no idea what just happened.
Ha! Who's the dumb one now?
[Crashes]
Gina's right, I'm a loser.
I used to run a crime syndicate.
Now all I do is run outta pencils.
Which reminds me, Toby told me to order more pencils.
Where's my pencil?
Here.
Stuff a couple of these down your pants to fill the void.
Oh very funny.
It's not my fault nothing ever happens
down at Regina Tourism.
The Jimmy I know doesn't wait for nothin' to happen.
He makes nothin' happen!
And when the chips are down
my money's on him, every time.
Really?Yeah!
You were once the King of New York.
There's no reason why you can't be--
King of Vagina!
Regina, but whatever.
Take the Bull by the Balls Jimmy!
Alright.
Let's do this.
[Yells]
First thing tomorrow.
Yeah, no, it's gettin' kinda late.
Hey Pete!
Wow, I'm a "Pete" now...
Wanna hang out?
Or will your hot mystery girlfriend get jealous?
Oh... uh...
She doesn't even go to this school.
Ooh, then what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
Come with me.
Are you skipping?
What? No!
I tripped on something... rhythmically...
several times in succession.
Not skipping!
Hey guys, this is Pete.
I'm confused...
Why am I here
and not being stuffed into that garbage can,
for example?
You know how you look at someone and they're like,
a total loser?
Only in the mirror.
But then you see them in another light
and suddenly they're... really interesting.
It's too bad you have a girlfriend.
Who knew pretend-dating my own sister
would have a downside.
And so I present to you
our new promotional campaign!
"Regina: Now with thirty percent less Black Flies!"
[Applause]
[Slow clapping]
Ya wanna bring some real tourism
to this backwater burg?
Talk to me.
Um, this is Jimmy,
whom we can thank for the pencils we're using.
[All murmur]
Fellas, I got an idea that'll bring so much money
into this town, the black flies'll be drivin' Bentleys.
And I can be sum it up in one word.
Gun show?Abba reunion?
Porno convention?
How 'bout all of those and more?
Hit it, Cheech!
[Sighs]
[♪♪♪]
♪ I got a plan that just won't lose ♪
♪ so drop the beavers, flies, and moose ♪
♪ The crowds'll come on planes and rockets ♪
♪ with tons of cash to line our pockets. ♪
♪ A Rub n' Tug on every block? ♪
♪ Tabernac! That sure would rock! ♪
♪ Legalizing marijuana?
♪ We could be like Tijuana!
♪ That ain't it ya stupid rubes ♪
♪ no blowin' loads or smokin' doobs! ♪
♪ They got these joints in Vegas and Reno ♪
♪ Ya know what I mean, it's a... ♪
♪ It's a...
[All murmur]
Rhymes with Reno...
Holocaust museum?
No ya jackasses!
It's a casino!
[All cheer]
There's no one here, shwa!
I hope you 'ave a song for 'ow we're gonna pay
for all this shwa.
Oh my God, I blew it, Cook...
I think I really am a shnook.
That's the spirit, Jimmy!
Keep singing!
Don't fold 'em just yet, Jimmy.
Like I said, when the chips are down...
I always bet on you.
Jimmy?
Hey sweetie, wanna get outta here?
Sure Cheech.
Whoa Cook!
Sorry, I thought you was a hooker.
Amazing work, Jimmy!
Fun fact: in Canada, profits from gambling
are reinvested in health,
education, and infrastructure.
That fact is nowhere near fun.
What are you doin' here anyway?
Don't you got a gamblin' problem?
It's Horse.
He's excited about the casino,
but I worry it might prove overwhelming for him.
There's an old sayin' in the casino business, McCool:
"Who gives a [Bleep]? It's a [Bleep] Horse."
I got three Japanese businessmen
cleanin' up at Blackjack.
Want me to Teppanyaki their faces?
Don't bother. I sent in a cooler.
Bust. Heart attack.
Space debris.
That old prick's lifelong losin' streak is payin' off.
Hey, go tell that slob at the poker table
about our dress code.
It would be my pleasure.
Look at you, Mister Casino Manager!
I'm so proud.
Maybe you've got a little something
for the person who inspired all this?
Oh ho ho, I know what you mean.
Follow me.
Would it kill ya to wear a tie?
This is my thanks? A job at the coat check?
I also got a tip: lose the attitude,
it's bad for business.
Yo Gazongas,
I want ya to show Mr. Takamora here a good time.
Need I remind you that I'm your mother, young lady?
Need I remind you that I'm your boss, sugartits?
You are so grounded after I punch out tonight!
Hey Pete.
Hey, I just wanted to tell you that Mystery Girl dumped me
so I'm single...
and ready to tingle.
Uh Petey, that's not cool.
Oh, don't worry about me, I'm fine--
Hey, you called me Petey.
What happened to Pete?
Pete got dumped.
Cool kids never get dumped.
We do the dumping. Like this...
You guys are really good at this.
I haven't touched the side once!
TERRY: Hear that silence?
It's how things sounded before white people came.
I sure hope they come back soon!
Oh, it's a dark day
when we're asking for the whiteys to return.
Yo Pop, cry-baby here's got a beef.
You stole my customers, Jimmy.
I can almost taste the food
you're taking from my children's mouths.
I'm just givin' people what they want, Terry.
By that I mean loose slots.
Not, ya know, starvin' kids.
Could you give me some tips?
I'd love to help ya, but I can't.
Because I'm native?
No! 'Coz you're my competition!
Why do you guys always get so racial?
Funny. You get that way
after you've been beat down for centuries.
Look, I'll make it up to ya.
We got a nice steakhouse here.
You'll always have a reservation.
Oh you're hilarious, Jimmy.
What? What'd I say?
What are you doin' here, Terry?
Getting screwed by your husband.
It's been so friggin' long,
I almost forgot what's that's like.
If I could get in to see him, I'd punch his fat face.
I had to slip Gina fifty bucks.
Why didn't I think of that?
C'mon, let's have a drink. Okay
but you're buyin'.
I can't. I gave Gina all my money.
If this works, I'll be back at the cool table
with Victoria before you know it!
Be right back.
Hmm.
This should cover Jetsie's high nipples.
This is not what it looks like.
I'm just trying on your bra to see if it'll fit Jetsie.
Those are my swimming goggles.
Well, where have you been all my life?
Anyone ever tell you, you could be a model?
[Giggles]
So if I break up with Jetsie in front of everyone,
I might have a shot with Victoria.
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
There's no way Jetsie could play Mystery Girl!
What else am I supposed to do?
Use the actress who originated the role!
You'd do that for me?
Of course.
Every great star gives back to the underprivileged.
Now here's my contract.
This is a stereo warranty!
I'm playin' along. Can't you?
Look at ya, ya degenerate gamblin' lowlife.
I gave ya a two grand marker and ya blew it already?
If ya shrug them weird horsey shoulders at me again,
I swear your head's gonna wind up in someone's bed.
Think I'm jokin'?
Try me, mother...
Okay, okay, I've got him, Gina!
Come on old friend. I'll take you home.
You've crapped out.
[Pooing sounds]
Literally, I'm afraid.
For Canada!
Where even the hopelessly addicted get a free ride!
Why the hell are we so empty?
Cheech probably cooled the whole joint.
Nah, he called in sick today.
Word on the street
is the Blackpaw Casino's really cleanin' up.
Maybe I should go over there for a little powwow?
Do ya hear yourself?
Show some sensitivity, will'ya?
Go watch Pocahontas or some [Bleep].
How'd ya do it? Ya got spies in my joint?
I'll beat it outta ya, I swear, mark my words!
Hoh!
Is that a shrimp boat?
Well, Jimmy.
Looks like the moccasin's on the other foot.
Part of the rebranding,
free moccasins for everyone.
Huh?
Cheech, what the hell are you doin' here?
Hey Jimmy! I mean... Uh...
[Coughs]
This is not the doctor's office.
Ow! Jimmy, stop!
She made an offer I couldn't refuse.
Workin' for tips.
What do ya mean, "She"?
Take your hands off my craps dealer, Jimmy.
Cookie? What are you doing here?
I'm runnin this joint!
Hey Takamora! I told ya she was lucky!
The hell do you know about runnin' a casino anyway?
More than you!
I worked in Atlantic City.
On the boardwalk, guessin' people's weight!
To these guys, that's the big time.
And it beats workin' the coat check!
That's what this is about?
Fine, if ya don't like the coat check
we'll find you somethin' in the kitchen.
Get outta my office.
I'm warnin' you.
If you don't quit right now, I will bury this casino!
Like ya buried your face in that shrimp boat?
Bring it on, Fat Man!
[♪♪♪]
Oh that's me!
I got a new ring tone.
Hello?
Hey Jetsie, how you doin'?
So c'mon down to SaskatcheCasino!
Where we don't have roaches infesting our buffet!
We don't have roaches,
but we do have the loosest slots in town!
We also got the loosest sluts in town!
Ain't that right, sweetie.
This week at SaskatcheCasino,
the Incredible Kevin'll give every audience member
a new car!
New car my ass!
They're rippin' 'em off from our parking lot!
See?
But you won't care about that
when you're cruisin' the skies of Regina
in our new free helicopter tour!
Do you know what that [Bleep] plane cost me?
But do I care? No!
'Coz this week at SaskatcheCasino
we've got Canadian Rock legends,
the Guess Who...
[Whispers]
Tribute band?
The Guess Whom? Cut!
Cook, I can't take this no more!
Let's call a truce.
Your casino takes senior citizens and welfare moms.
I'll take guys cuttin' loose on business trips.
Who gets all the chronic gamblers?
We'll divy 'em up with some kinda lottery...
Which they will no doubt gamble on.
Cheech, tell this ungrateful egomaniac
to go [Bleep] himself.
But edit the swear for the kids' sake.
Cheech, can you also ask Jetsie to call me?
I miss him!
She's known as "Juicy" now,
and I took away her cellphone.
Speakin' of juicy, did anyone ever tell you,
you could be an escort.
That's Theresa!
Hoh, I didn't recognize ya, kid!
It's 'coz I'm in character.
C'mon Petey, let's go to makeout point.
Have fun kids!
Wait. What'd she say?
C'mon, Cheech.
We gotta pick up our headliners at the airport.
I don't wanna keep Paul and Ringo waitin'!
[Gasps] Hear that!
She's got the Rollin' Stones!
It's time to pull out the big guns.
I meant it metaphorally!
Put this back in the garage.
So this is makeout point --
Regina style.
Let's begin...
So what did you want to talk to me about, Petey?
You look so serious!
I brought you here so I can officially dump you--
Did we land on a name?
You are dumping me,
Anastasia Champagne Superstar?
Oh Christ, we did...
You sleep with my mother, you kill my father,
kick my dog, and steal our family fortune,
leaving us homeless... and prostitute!
Destitute.
Um, good texture, but roll it back a little.
Yes, I am dumping you, Anastasia!
[Gasps]
What the hell! Where'd you get that?
The garage, where else?
I won't live without you!
None of this is in the script.
I'm an artist. I improvised.
On second thought!
If I can't have you, no one will!
Theresa would you stop!
Did he say Theresa?
Oh my God!
That's Theresa McDougal!
[Gags]
Petey's dating his own sister!
[Gasps]
That is so gross!
[Bleep] inbred Scottish weirdos.
And scene!
JIMMY: Webster's dictionary defines impossible
as the act of placing private property
in custody of an officer of the law.
GINA: That's impoundment, ya ignorant banana.
[Crowd laughs]
Ladies and gentlemen,
SaskatcheCasino is pleased to bring ya,
from the bottom of the Atlantic ocean...
the Titanic.
[Crowd applauds]
Paul and Ringo Chang's Minature Rodeo
was a total bust!
Hello, Stonehenge?
How much to ship them rocks to Canada?
Ya Druid mother [Bleep] wanna play hardball?
I got the hardest balls in town!
Hey Cook... Listen, I can't run the casino no more.
I'm gonna ask Toby to transfer me back to my desk job.
Yay!
Oh really?
So ya beat me and you're retirin' before I get a chance--
Look!
Aw. That's sweet... and gross.
Now look over there.
That's the guy who ran the casino on this tub.
That'll be me if we keep this up.
You're gonna die on a boat?
No, I'll be alone!
I wouldn'a had any of this
if it wasn't for you believin' in me.
Was that so hard?
Ya had to raise the freakin' Titanic
to avoid showin' me a little gratitude!
And look at those stupid skeletons!
"Oh the ship's sinkin', I better go have a nap."
Morons.
Come here babe...
Geez, what were the odds
of that thing goin' down again?
Unsinkable, my ass.
Hey guys, any chance I--
I guess it's better to have loved and lost
your own sister than to never have--
No, that's not right.
Theresa? Why aren't you being ostracized?
'Coz I don't use words like ostrich-sized
and I don't fool around with my sister, you sick pervert.
But fooling around with your brother is okay?
It is if you're hot.
I don't make the rules, Petey.
Wish I had a brother to fool around with...
That is so gross!
GINA: Did I just wake up in crazy town?
Neither of ya works at a casino no more?
Sweetie, with Pop's casino gone,
the Blackpaw doesn't need me.
You mooks threw away the best thing
that ever happened to us.
Y'know what'd make ya feel better?
Do not condescend to me, Ma.
Ha! It's condensate!
Who's the banana now, Gina?
Alright.
How about ya hop up on this here bed...
And help us count all the money we skimmed!
Aw...
why'd ya hafta get all mushy on me?
Anyone seen Cheech by the way?
And who's giving the bride away?
I am, your majesty.
Pull yourself together. He's a good catch.
Freeze!
That bride is underage!
G'luck Juicy! I'm keepin' the dowry!