1 00:00:01,044 --> 00:00:02,393 'Member me? 2 00:00:02,393 --> 00:00:04,960 Back in the old life, I was a mob wife. 3 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:06,962 Anyway, when mob wives had to, 4 00:00:06,962 --> 00:00:08,399 we rolled up our sleeveless blouses 5 00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:10,183 and helped out with the family business. 6 00:00:10,183 --> 00:00:13,099 Like when Jimmy's crew got pinched after a museum job 7 00:00:13,099 --> 00:00:16,450 'coz Cheech left a DNA sample all over Nefertiti's bust. 8 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,453 Alright, Gloria's collectin' protection money, 9 00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:21,151 Mia's intimidatin' a witness, 10 00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:23,370 and Frenchie's cuttin' heroin with parmesan cheese. 11 00:00:23,370 --> 00:00:25,503 Best smack in the city. 12 00:00:25,503 --> 00:00:26,591 So what do we do? 13 00:00:26,591 --> 00:00:28,549 Chick flicks? 14 00:00:28,549 --> 00:00:31,204 This isn't girls night out you lazy bum. 15 00:00:31,204 --> 00:00:33,380 Then Gloria hauls in Stinky LaRue. 16 00:00:33,380 --> 00:00:35,600 A notorious rat Jimmy wanted gone. 17 00:00:37,384 --> 00:00:38,994 But there was a problem... 18 00:00:38,994 --> 00:00:40,822 Ah, can't do it. 19 00:00:40,822 --> 00:00:43,216 I can't get blood all over this pant suit. 20 00:00:43,216 --> 00:00:46,176 Don't look at me, I just had these nails done. 21 00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:49,135 I ain't washin' his skull fragments outta my new roots 22 00:00:49,135 --> 00:00:51,355 I was almost gonna let that scumbag go. 23 00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:53,139 But I had an idea. 24 00:00:53,139 --> 00:00:55,359 Alright, [Bleep]nuts. 25 00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:56,795 Before we do this, 26 00:00:56,795 --> 00:00:58,840 you're gonna sit here with us and watch a movie... 27 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,713 Ooooh, "The Vanilla Lace Tea Cosy". 28 00:01:01,713 --> 00:01:03,932 Ninety minutes of awkward English people 29 00:01:03,932 --> 00:01:05,586 stammerin' about their feelings. 30 00:01:12,376 --> 00:01:13,638 [Gunshot] 31 00:01:13,638 --> 00:01:14,900 Who wants popcorn? 32 00:01:17,424 --> 00:01:19,078 I dunno Cook, even for the mob, 33 00:01:19,078 --> 00:01:21,472 death by chick flick is a little cruel and unusual. 34 00:01:21,472 --> 00:01:24,083 But no one in the Family ever ratted again. 35 00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:28,087 Yeah right, and we're in Regina on freakin' holidays! 36 00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:31,569 If you think Canada's gonna make me any less cruel and unusual... 37 00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:33,092 Fugget about it. 38 00:01:34,267 --> 00:01:36,095 ♪ Lemme tell you somethin' 39 00:01:36,095 --> 00:01:37,575 ♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪ 40 00:01:37,575 --> 00:01:40,012 ♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪ 41 00:01:40,012 --> 00:01:43,711 ♪ But then he found out they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪ 42 00:01:43,711 --> 00:01:46,410 ♪ He take the boss he threw him his nineteenth floor suite ♪ 43 00:01:46,410 --> 00:01:49,848 ♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪ 44 00:01:49,848 --> 00:01:52,807 ♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪ 45 00:01:52,807 --> 00:01:55,810 ♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪ 46 00:01:55,810 --> 00:01:58,422 ♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪ 47 00:01:58,422 --> 00:01:59,771 ♪ Fugget about it! 48 00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:01,251 ♪ Fugget about it! 49 00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:02,643 ♪ Fugget about it! 50 00:02:02,643 --> 00:02:03,905 Oh! Fugget about it! 51 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,519 How about this one? 52 00:02:08,519 --> 00:02:11,043 I already gotta tell your brother to tuck in his shirt, 53 00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:13,219 I ain't tellin' you to tuck in your privates! 54 00:02:13,219 --> 00:02:15,656 My clothes express my individuality! 55 00:02:15,656 --> 00:02:17,267 Stop tryin' to census me! 56 00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:18,529 How about this? 57 00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:20,748 It says Material Girl. 58 00:02:20,748 --> 00:02:22,272 With a hint of Like A Virgin. 59 00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,317 What the hell are you talkin' about? 60 00:02:24,317 --> 00:02:25,797 Ya know, Madonna. 61 00:02:25,797 --> 00:02:27,712 Lady Gaga's grandma? 62 00:02:27,712 --> 00:02:29,235 If we weren't in public, 63 00:02:29,235 --> 00:02:31,455 I'd smack ya right in your stupid mouth! 64 00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:32,978 Teen troubles, Cookie? 65 00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:35,502 Oh, hey Annabelle. 66 00:02:35,502 --> 00:02:37,591 You know how it is with teenagers, 67 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:39,941 can't live with them, can't drown 'em in the river. 68 00:02:39,941 --> 00:02:42,509 Well, we can't all be super-parents. 69 00:02:42,509 --> 00:02:44,729 How do they fit, darling? 70 00:02:44,729 --> 00:02:46,731 Like I'm wearing miracles, Mother! 71 00:02:46,731 --> 00:02:48,428 What's with Billy Elliot over there? 72 00:02:48,428 --> 00:02:50,213 That's my son, Donnie. 73 00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,432 He's testing a pair of dance pants 74 00:02:52,432 --> 00:02:55,174 for this year's 'Regina's Got Talent' competition. 75 00:02:55,174 --> 00:02:56,741 Regina's got talent? 76 00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:58,612 It's a performing arts contest. 77 00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,441 No, I'm askin', Regina's got talent? 78 00:03:01,441 --> 00:03:04,923 Yes, and my Donnie's won three years in a row, 79 00:03:04,923 --> 00:03:06,533 right Superstar? 80 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,797 Ain't you two a pair. 81 00:03:09,797 --> 00:03:11,843 More like a team. 82 00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:13,975 It's amazing what happens 83 00:03:13,975 --> 00:03:16,587 when you don't threaten your children with abuse. 84 00:03:16,587 --> 00:03:19,416 Hey me and Theresa are a team, too! 85 00:03:19,416 --> 00:03:22,419 Well Twinkie, your 'teammate' just abandoned you. 86 00:03:22,419 --> 00:03:24,116 Theresa! 87 00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,292 Get back here right now or so help me I'll-- 88 00:03:26,292 --> 00:03:28,425 Hug you so hard. 89 00:03:31,166 --> 00:03:33,952 Why do you want me to sign up for a talent show, Ma? 90 00:03:33,952 --> 00:03:35,867 I thought about what ya said in the store. 91 00:03:35,867 --> 00:03:38,086 You were right about expressin' your individuality, 92 00:03:38,086 --> 00:03:40,001 and this is a great way to do it. 93 00:03:40,001 --> 00:03:42,177 So it's a wet t-shirt contest? 94 00:03:42,177 --> 00:03:44,658 Ya got a beautiful singing voice, Theresa, 95 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:47,008 and I want ya to share it with the world. 96 00:03:49,054 --> 00:03:50,708 My nose is cryin'! 97 00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:53,711 I'm not used to ya sayin' nice things about me. 98 00:03:53,711 --> 00:03:56,670 Well get used to it, teammate, 'coz you deserve it! 99 00:03:58,803 --> 00:04:00,108 Take it easy Ma. 100 00:04:00,108 --> 00:04:01,936 Who knows what's in that blood? 101 00:04:03,198 --> 00:04:04,461 Jimmy, what are you doin' here? 102 00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:06,506 Regina Tourism sponsors this event, 103 00:04:06,506 --> 00:04:08,334 so I gotta sit here 104 00:04:08,334 --> 00:04:10,423 and sign up all the wannabes and losers. 105 00:04:10,423 --> 00:04:11,859 Well, Theresa's signin' up. 106 00:04:11,859 --> 00:04:13,339 Did I say losers? 107 00:04:13,339 --> 00:04:15,428 I meant shining stars of tomorrow. 108 00:04:16,908 --> 00:04:18,562 You guys are the best. 109 00:04:20,172 --> 00:04:23,349 You're talented too Gina, but this contest ain't for you. 110 00:04:23,349 --> 00:04:25,482 Pop, I got no intention of entering 111 00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:27,310 "Regina's Got Assholes". 112 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,268 Well that's good, 'coz ya can't. 113 00:04:29,268 --> 00:04:31,226 What do ya mean... "can't"? 114 00:04:31,226 --> 00:04:33,185 Age limit's ten and over. You're too young. 115 00:04:33,185 --> 00:04:34,404 So ya can't. 116 00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:37,015 Can't... Can't... Can't... 117 00:04:38,059 --> 00:04:39,974 Let it go, Gina. 118 00:04:39,974 --> 00:04:42,237 There's some things you can't do. 119 00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:45,284 But this ain't one of 'em. 120 00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:46,851 Can't... Can't... 121 00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:48,026 Shut up! 122 00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:53,510 Now McCool, just 'coz my daughter's in this, 123 00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:55,816 I don't want you showin' any favoritism. 124 00:04:55,816 --> 00:04:57,775 Unless you're open to that. 125 00:04:57,775 --> 00:04:59,472 In which case, I can make it worth your while. 126 00:04:59,472 --> 00:05:01,605 Do you know why I've been asked 127 00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:04,129 to judge this contest three years in a row, Jimmy? 128 00:05:04,129 --> 00:05:05,652 'Coz no one else'll do it? 129 00:05:05,652 --> 00:05:08,525 And my integrity. I am unbribable. 130 00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,440 I'm always the bribesmaid. 131 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,224 Never the bribe. 132 00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:15,532 [Laughs] 133 00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:17,621 Toby for Jimmy, Toby for Jimmy. 134 00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:19,187 Hey Toby, what's up? 135 00:05:19,187 --> 00:05:21,233 Toby for Jimmy! Come in, Jimmy! 136 00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:22,800 [Sighs] 137 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,279 Go for Jimmy. 138 00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:25,585 Oh there you are! 139 00:05:25,585 --> 00:05:27,195 Aren't these headsets amazing? 140 00:05:27,195 --> 00:05:29,459 Anyway I have terrible news. 141 00:05:29,459 --> 00:05:31,591 Turns out Dick Clark is dead. 142 00:05:31,591 --> 00:05:33,463 We need a new emcee. 143 00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:36,161 Did someone say "emcee"? 144 00:05:36,161 --> 00:05:39,077 Have you ever emcee'd before, Uncle Cheech? 145 00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:41,688 I certainly have, young lady. 146 00:05:41,688 --> 00:05:45,126 If any of youse got allergies, whip out your Epipens, 147 00:05:45,126 --> 00:05:47,041 'coz here comes 148 00:05:47,041 --> 00:05:49,522 Peanut Butter Cookie! 149 00:05:49,522 --> 00:05:51,524 [Applause] 150 00:05:54,266 --> 00:05:55,659 Sorry I'm late, 151 00:05:55,659 --> 00:05:57,922 I had to finish the word parts for my first number. 152 00:05:57,922 --> 00:05:59,489 Number? 153 00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:02,535 It's like the one I sang at Uncle Luigi's thing, 'member? 154 00:06:02,535 --> 00:06:06,321 ♪ He's shakin' his ass, dressed sharp as a knife. ♪ 155 00:06:06,321 --> 00:06:09,934 ♪ It's non-stop booty, just don't tell his wife. ♪ 156 00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:11,414 ♪ Shake it. Shake it. ♪ 157 00:06:11,414 --> 00:06:15,592 ♪ Shake it at Club Afterlife. ♪ 158 00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:16,941 Yeah! 159 00:06:16,941 --> 00:06:18,638 Yeah! 160 00:06:18,638 --> 00:06:22,512 Wait'll they hear my new song, "Labia of Love"! 161 00:06:22,512 --> 00:06:25,776 Theresa honey, the judges wanna hear classics. 162 00:06:25,776 --> 00:06:27,952 Then I'll sing one of my classy ballads. 163 00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:29,867 Like 'Angel with the Fake Tits'. 164 00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:32,347 You cried when I sang it at Christina's communion. 165 00:06:32,347 --> 00:06:34,132 We all did, honey. 166 00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:36,308 But if ya wanna make it past the first round, 167 00:06:36,308 --> 00:06:38,702 ya gotta keep things wholesome. 168 00:06:38,702 --> 00:06:40,399 Okay. I'll try. 169 00:06:40,399 --> 00:06:41,879 But let's not go overboard. 170 00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:43,707 Of course not. 171 00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:46,100 Now tape down your boobs and put this nun outfit. 172 00:06:47,362 --> 00:06:48,668 Now to help us forget 'The Human Pretzel' 173 00:06:48,668 --> 00:06:50,322 practically lickin' his own balls, 174 00:06:50,322 --> 00:06:52,106 here's our next act, 175 00:06:52,106 --> 00:06:54,848 'G-Doll and Enviro-Pete!' 176 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:58,025 Now remember, I'm not your sister, I'm a doll. 177 00:06:58,025 --> 00:07:00,071 You sure are. 178 00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:02,160 Thanks for encouraging me to do this. 179 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,815 My unique brand of edutainment 180 00:07:04,815 --> 00:07:06,599 is just what the people need. 181 00:07:06,599 --> 00:07:08,645 Shut the [Bleep] up, we're on. 182 00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:10,342 Hey, G-Doll. 183 00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:12,170 Do you know why the Ecosystem 184 00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:14,433 is in so much trouble? 185 00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:16,653 Because the owners of big factories 186 00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:18,698 are a bunch of dummies... 187 00:07:18,698 --> 00:07:21,005 ...just like me. 188 00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:22,746 [Sighs] 189 00:07:22,746 --> 00:07:25,270 Talk about an ego-system. 190 00:07:29,013 --> 00:07:30,884 [Laughs] 191 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,756 Remember everyone! 192 00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:34,061 Think Globally... 193 00:07:34,061 --> 00:07:35,933 ...act jokily! 194 00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:38,283 The ventriloquism's quite impressive, 195 00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:40,590 but the material's atrocious. 196 00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:41,982 Bring back the ball-licker! 197 00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:52,166 [Applause] 198 00:07:52,166 --> 00:07:54,429 What? It's only 60 pounds. 199 00:07:54,429 --> 00:07:58,390 ♪ Cause you'll have a great old time ♪ 200 00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:02,089 ♪ at the good old ball game! ♪ 201 00:08:02,089 --> 00:08:04,135 [Applause] 202 00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:06,703 Stay neutral old chap. Stay neutral. 203 00:08:06,703 --> 00:08:08,313 Looks like Theresa might make it through 204 00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:09,923 to the next round. 205 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,665 And it looks like you might be crappin' your pants. 206 00:08:12,665 --> 00:08:15,581 Well get ready to eat it. 207 00:08:15,581 --> 00:08:17,844 Next up we got a three-time winner, 208 00:08:17,844 --> 00:08:20,325 a one-man dance armada, 209 00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:22,022 and a true patriot. 210 00:08:22,022 --> 00:08:24,372 Let's give a warm Vagina welcome 211 00:08:24,372 --> 00:08:27,462 to Donnie Westminster! 212 00:08:27,462 --> 00:08:30,030 [Applause] 213 00:08:30,030 --> 00:08:33,077 ♪ [Techno version of O Canada] 214 00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:34,644 [Gasps] 215 00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:38,604 ♪ [Techno version of O Canada] 216 00:08:38,604 --> 00:08:39,866 [Gasps] 217 00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:42,216 ♪ [Techno version of O Canada] 218 00:08:42,216 --> 00:08:45,655 [Applause] 219 00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:50,398 ♪ [Techno version of O Canada] 220 00:08:50,398 --> 00:08:53,837 [Applause] 221 00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:56,013 This kid's freakin' amazing! 222 00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:58,406 Makes that Nun's routine look like a bowl of piss. 223 00:08:58,406 --> 00:09:00,626 That Nun was Theresa! 224 00:09:00,626 --> 00:09:02,367 Oh sorry. 225 00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:04,412 This kid makes Theresa look like a bowl of piss. 226 00:09:07,154 --> 00:09:09,461 You want us to fix the talent contest? 227 00:09:09,461 --> 00:09:13,030 Not the whole contest, just that freakin' Donnie. 228 00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:14,771 He's unbeatable! 229 00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:18,296 Then I guess we'll have to beat some beatable into him. 230 00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,211 Anyone asks, I been here all day. 231 00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:22,169 You have been here all day. 232 00:09:22,169 --> 00:09:23,649 Exactly. 233 00:09:23,649 --> 00:09:26,652 Cook, I'm not hurtin' a kid over a contest. 234 00:09:26,652 --> 00:09:28,567 Unless there's a cash prize. How much we talkin'? 235 00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:31,004 It's a trophy and braggin' rights. 236 00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,702 What am I, an amateur? 237 00:09:32,702 --> 00:09:34,921 And trust me, no one in that show's gonna do any braggin'. 238 00:09:34,921 --> 00:09:37,532 Especially that boring nun. 239 00:09:37,532 --> 00:09:38,838 She's next on my list, Cook. 240 00:09:38,838 --> 00:09:40,753 That's Theresa! 241 00:09:40,753 --> 00:09:42,494 Ya wanna end this contest or not? 242 00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:44,583 Okay, fugget it. 243 00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:46,193 I guess I'll just have to be a better mother 244 00:09:46,193 --> 00:09:47,978 and put way more pressure on Theresa. 245 00:09:50,458 --> 00:09:53,113 ♪ Everywhere that Mary went, ♪ 246 00:09:53,113 --> 00:09:57,422 ♪ the lamb was sure to go! ♪ 247 00:09:57,422 --> 00:10:01,034 Stay on the high note! The high note! 248 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:04,124 I don't believe the lamb's following Mary! 249 00:10:04,124 --> 00:10:05,865 Convince me! 250 00:10:05,865 --> 00:10:09,652 Visualize your goals! Reactualify your Happitude! 251 00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:11,697 You 're just makin' those words up! 252 00:10:11,697 --> 00:10:14,265 Don't talk back to your life coach, muffin top! 253 00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:17,964 This is un-excuse-my-language frickin' -acceptable, Mother! 254 00:10:17,964 --> 00:10:19,705 Why didn't you hire me a life coach? 255 00:10:19,705 --> 00:10:21,185 I- I never- 256 00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:23,448 Never wanted me to win, obviously! 257 00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:25,145 Ugh! I'm getting flushed. 258 00:10:25,145 --> 00:10:26,712 Fan! 259 00:10:26,712 --> 00:10:28,627 Donnie, you have nothing to worry about-- 260 00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:30,673 Too dry! Spritz! 261 00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:32,065 Ugh! 262 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,937 Are you trying to drown me? 263 00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:35,678 Donnie, calm down. 264 00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:37,680 Theresa's good, but you're better. 265 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,682 I guess I'm going to have to handle this 266 00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:42,336 because you're more useless than a donated appendix! 267 00:10:42,336 --> 00:10:44,251 Oh, Donnie. 268 00:10:44,251 --> 00:10:48,125 THERESA: ♪ Fly like a dove 269 00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:52,520 ♪ it's a labia of love... 270 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:56,176 Hey we agreed no original songs! 271 00:10:56,176 --> 00:10:58,135 But I'm almost done writing it. 272 00:10:58,135 --> 00:11:01,225 I just need something that rhymes with 'reach around'. 273 00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:02,835 Do you wanna win this thing or not? 274 00:11:04,271 --> 00:11:05,969 Original songs, eh? 275 00:11:05,969 --> 00:11:07,840 That gives me an idea. 276 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,320 Go get the car, Annabelle. 277 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,148 ...in five, six, seven, eight- 278 00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:12,932 God help you if I get to ten! 279 00:11:14,847 --> 00:11:17,589 We barely squeaked into this round, Gina, 280 00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:19,373 so we really have to nail it. 281 00:11:19,373 --> 00:11:22,246 Don't forget, be the message. 282 00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:23,900 Sure thing, Petey. 283 00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,597 CHEECH: Folks, if you need to use the crapper, 284 00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:27,338 now's a good time. 285 00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:29,993 'Coz it'll smell better than this next act. 286 00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:31,472 I hate this guy. 287 00:11:31,472 --> 00:11:32,604 [Sighs] 288 00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,606 By the way I changed our name. 289 00:11:34,606 --> 00:11:36,434 Oh it's nice you're getting involved. 290 00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:38,088 CHEECH: Please welcome Little G... 291 00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:39,263 That's fun! 292 00:11:39,263 --> 00:11:41,569 CHEECH: ...and Dickfart! 293 00:11:41,569 --> 00:11:44,616 Gina! Uh, um... Ahem. Okay. 294 00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:46,270 Hey, Little G, 295 00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:49,839 tell us what you know about fracking. 296 00:11:49,839 --> 00:11:52,580 That's when you dig a hole in the backyard and fart in it. 297 00:11:52,580 --> 00:11:54,104 [Laughter] 298 00:11:54,104 --> 00:11:57,107 Then this frackin' loser shoves his head in and sniffs! 299 00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:59,849 Ha! Right to the kisser! 300 00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:02,590 [Laughs] 301 00:12:02,590 --> 00:12:05,550 Jokes aside, um, do you know 302 00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:08,422 the size of your carbon footprint, Little G? 303 00:12:08,422 --> 00:12:10,337 Two inches. Just like your dick! 304 00:12:10,337 --> 00:12:11,556 [Laughter] 305 00:12:11,556 --> 00:12:13,427 Gina, cut it out. 306 00:12:13,427 --> 00:12:16,256 Yes, um, carbon emissions 307 00:12:16,256 --> 00:12:18,693 should be on everyones' minds... 308 00:12:18,693 --> 00:12:20,565 Along with the polar ice caps. 309 00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:22,654 Yes! Thank you! 310 00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:25,613 Do you know why the ice caps are melting? 311 00:12:25,613 --> 00:12:27,180 'Coz you jerk off in the shower? 312 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,486 [Laughter] 313 00:12:28,486 --> 00:12:30,880 Dickfart's getting served! 314 00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:36,581 So why did you ask me out, Donnie? 315 00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:38,148 I like you Theresa. 316 00:12:38,148 --> 00:12:40,106 You're a good kid and I want to give you 317 00:12:40,106 --> 00:12:42,587 some advice about the 'bizznasty'. 318 00:12:42,587 --> 00:12:44,763 I got it directly from Al Pacino... 319 00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:46,896 's acting coach's web site. 320 00:12:46,896 --> 00:12:49,115 Wow. You are connected. 321 00:12:49,115 --> 00:12:50,377 Oh yeah. 322 00:12:50,377 --> 00:12:51,988 I've slept my way 323 00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:53,946 around the entertainment block, sweetheart. 324 00:12:53,946 --> 00:12:56,340 Had my fair share of mouthies, VT's- 325 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,298 VT's? 326 00:12:58,298 --> 00:13:00,213 Vagina touches. 327 00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:02,172 So naive. 328 00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:04,696 Donnie, have you ever actually been with a girl? 329 00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:06,306 Are you kidding? 330 00:13:06,306 --> 00:13:07,960 Any more tangy poon for me 331 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,310 and my g-spot is going to fall right off. 332 00:13:10,310 --> 00:13:12,617 What part of this is the advice? 333 00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:14,010 This part! 334 00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,055 If you wanna stand out from the crowd, 335 00:13:16,055 --> 00:13:18,362 you need to do something original. 336 00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:20,494 You mean like... an original song? 337 00:13:20,494 --> 00:13:21,669 Yes! 338 00:13:21,669 --> 00:13:24,324 But who has those right? 339 00:13:24,324 --> 00:13:26,849 I do! I write my own songs! 340 00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:29,634 You do? And you're not singing them? 341 00:13:29,634 --> 00:13:32,202 Umm, are you trying to lose? 342 00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:35,074 But I promised Ma I'd wait until I won. 343 00:13:35,074 --> 00:13:36,597 Waiting's for tables, baby. 344 00:13:36,597 --> 00:13:38,164 Speaking of which... 345 00:13:38,164 --> 00:13:40,384 Who do I gotta blow-jam to get another shake around here? 346 00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:42,429 [Screams] 347 00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:47,652 JIMMY: Petey, we always laugh at ya, 348 00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:49,697 but who knew you had real comedy chops? 349 00:13:49,697 --> 00:13:52,309 When that creepy troll doll accused you 350 00:13:52,309 --> 00:13:54,006 of clear cutting the cheese... 351 00:13:54,006 --> 00:13:57,357 my ribs, Petey. My ribs! 352 00:13:57,357 --> 00:13:59,446 Gina, ya shoulda seen this kid. 353 00:13:59,446 --> 00:14:01,187 He's a natural! 354 00:14:01,187 --> 00:14:03,886 Yeah, but his material's a little high-brow for Gina here. 355 00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:06,976 Now let's not forget about the environmental message. 356 00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:10,022 I'm an edutainor first and foremost. 357 00:14:10,022 --> 00:14:11,763 The reviewer says you've, 358 00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:14,244 "redefined the fart 359 00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:15,985 of self-deprecating humour 360 00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:17,900 with refreshing brilliance". 361 00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:20,554 Uh, I heard the dummy's pretty hilarious too. 362 00:14:20,554 --> 00:14:22,905 Yeah but without Petey there's no act. 363 00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:24,950 It's just a hideous little puppet. 364 00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:27,605 Creepiest thing I ever seen. 365 00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:30,521 What's the 'G' stand for anyway? "Grotesque"? 366 00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:33,219 I thought it was just, "God help me"! 367 00:14:33,219 --> 00:14:34,786 No, it stands for, 368 00:14:34,786 --> 00:14:36,744 "Guys, look what just fell outta my ass". 369 00:14:36,744 --> 00:14:38,442 [All laugh] 370 00:14:38,442 --> 00:14:40,096 [Growls] 371 00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,620 Now that we eliminated all the riffraff, 372 00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:45,057 it's time to hit the snooze button 373 00:14:45,057 --> 00:14:47,190 for the opposite of entertainment, 374 00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:49,409 Theresa McDougal! 375 00:14:49,409 --> 00:14:51,498 [Applause] 376 00:14:51,498 --> 00:14:55,328 ♪ It's super drama fraggle-rock spaghetti is delicious! ♪ 377 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:58,070 Aw forget that crap! 378 00:14:58,070 --> 00:15:00,681 Regina make some noise! 379 00:15:00,681 --> 00:15:01,726 [All gasp] 380 00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:03,336 Clap your hands! Come on! 381 00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:05,382 Aw yeah. 382 00:15:05,382 --> 00:15:07,079 This is a Theresa McDougal 383 00:15:07,079 --> 00:15:09,864 original Christmas jam! 384 00:15:09,864 --> 00:15:13,477 It's called, 'Bust Your Chestnut on an Open Fire'. 385 00:15:13,477 --> 00:15:16,045 [♪♪♪] 386 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:19,222 ♪ There's a super cool guy made of big snowballs, ♪ 387 00:15:19,222 --> 00:15:22,616 ♪ and he's having a bush party for all y'alls! ♪ 388 00:15:22,616 --> 00:15:24,270 ♪ Frosty's his name 389 00:15:24,270 --> 00:15:26,881 ♪ and bein' chill is his game. ♪ 390 00:15:26,881 --> 00:15:28,883 I don't know what's sadder - 391 00:15:28,883 --> 00:15:32,800 How hard you tried or how badly she's failing. 392 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,934 ♪ So get your butts to the bonfire, ♪ 393 00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:38,023 ♪ this is a race 'coz he's gonna bust ♪ 394 00:15:38,023 --> 00:15:41,026 ♪ some Christmas cheer all over your face! ♪ 395 00:15:41,026 --> 00:15:43,637 Snip my foreskin and color me Jewish, 396 00:15:43,637 --> 00:15:45,900 because Christmas is dead to me. 397 00:15:49,817 --> 00:15:51,341 Relax, Ma. 398 00:15:51,341 --> 00:15:53,299 I made it through to the next round, didn't I? 399 00:15:53,299 --> 00:15:55,084 Only by the skin of your teeth 400 00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:58,043 thanks to that humpy dog act getting disqualified. 401 00:15:58,043 --> 00:16:02,178 Toby for security. Toby for security. 402 00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:03,614 where are you Jimmy? 403 00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:06,530 [Both laugh] 404 00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:08,706 Who the hell told ya to do your own song? 405 00:16:08,706 --> 00:16:10,969 Donnie. He told me to be original. 406 00:16:10,969 --> 00:16:14,407 Theresa Falcone, you got played! 407 00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,540 My song got played. 408 00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:18,716 And once I find a rhyme for 'reacharound', 409 00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:21,893 I'll be droping another sound bomb yo! 410 00:16:21,893 --> 00:16:23,895 Now the only way we'll beat Annabelle 411 00:16:23,895 --> 00:16:25,723 is if Donnie gets kneecapped. 412 00:16:25,723 --> 00:16:27,725 So that's why you made me enter this? 413 00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:29,118 To beat Donnie's mom? 414 00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:31,120 Who's playin' who, Ma? 415 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,992 I wasn't playin' ya, I was encouragin' ya. 416 00:16:33,992 --> 00:16:37,735 By makin' me dress like a nun and sing about baseball? 417 00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,954 You were a nun tryin' to keep orphans off drugs 418 00:16:39,954 --> 00:16:41,434 by gettin' 'em into sports. 419 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,262 It's called a backstory, Theresa! 420 00:16:43,262 --> 00:16:44,437 You know what? 421 00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,961 You're in this for you, not for me! 422 00:16:46,961 --> 00:16:48,398 Theresa, wait! 423 00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:49,834 Ugh. Balls! 424 00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:51,444 You're welcome, Mother. 425 00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:54,056 Once again, I solved the problem. 426 00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:56,580 Now can you handle getting me a smoothie 427 00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:59,713 or is that too much for you, you dried up old cow? 428 00:16:59,713 --> 00:17:01,759 Oh, and I'm going to need a new phone! 429 00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:03,413 Because this one's broken! 430 00:17:06,372 --> 00:17:09,245 I freakin' hate other people's kids. 431 00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:11,421 Kick ball change, and a funky hips. 432 00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,510 Eye on the prize, eye on the prize. 433 00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:16,252 No. No. No. Who's a bad boy? 434 00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:17,731 That's me. 435 00:17:17,731 --> 00:17:19,820 Who's a bad boy? That's me. 436 00:17:19,820 --> 00:17:21,866 How do girls pee? Who knows? 437 00:17:21,866 --> 00:17:22,997 Do the running man. 438 00:17:22,997 --> 00:17:24,825 Go Donnie. Go Donnie. 439 00:17:27,045 --> 00:17:30,004 It's about time. You best have my smoothie- 440 00:17:30,004 --> 00:17:32,659 Hey, who are you? 441 00:17:32,659 --> 00:17:34,705 No. No! 442 00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:40,102 Are you ready, Little G? 443 00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:42,495 What do I know? I'm just a "dummy". 444 00:17:44,193 --> 00:17:48,066 Say, Little G, I bet you have something funny to say 445 00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:51,113 about me and the terrible effects of nano-pollution. 446 00:17:54,377 --> 00:17:56,248 Little G? 447 00:17:56,248 --> 00:17:57,510 Heh. 448 00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,252 Do you have a frog in your throat? 449 00:18:00,252 --> 00:18:04,126 Speaking of which, frogs in mountainous areas 450 00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:07,694 are most affected by climate change. 451 00:18:07,694 --> 00:18:09,392 What do you think about that, Little G? 452 00:18:13,178 --> 00:18:15,224 Make the troll talk! 453 00:18:15,224 --> 00:18:17,313 C'mon, say something! 454 00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:20,577 Yeah! Make the gargoyle emasculate you! 455 00:18:20,577 --> 00:18:22,492 I'm a gargoyle? 456 00:18:22,492 --> 00:18:25,234 This from a guy with a baboon's ass for a face! 457 00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:27,279 [All laugh] 458 00:18:27,279 --> 00:18:30,717 Does Ol' MacDonald know you left the farm, ya [Bleep] Donkey? 459 00:18:30,717 --> 00:18:32,284 [Brays] 460 00:18:32,284 --> 00:18:35,331 Hey, McCool. A shart says 'pardon me'? 461 00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,028 Pardon me? 462 00:18:37,028 --> 00:18:39,248 Oh! Oh! I see what you did! 463 00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:42,164 Hey, everyone, the gremlin called me a shart! 464 00:18:42,164 --> 00:18:43,469 Haha! 465 00:18:43,469 --> 00:18:45,732 CHEECH: Stop the show! 466 00:18:45,732 --> 00:18:47,299 Look who I found out by the dumpster. 467 00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:49,954 Donnie! 468 00:18:49,954 --> 00:18:51,999 I've been... kneebanged! 469 00:18:51,999 --> 00:18:53,871 [All scream] 470 00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:55,438 Calm down everyone. 471 00:18:55,438 --> 00:18:58,005 I'm a police officer, I'll get to the bottom of this. 472 00:18:58,005 --> 00:18:59,703 Donnie, tell us who banged you? 473 00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:01,052 I was out back, 474 00:19:01,052 --> 00:19:04,664 waiting forever for my mother to bring my smoothie 475 00:19:04,664 --> 00:19:06,927 when someone ran up and hit me right in my knee... 476 00:19:06,927 --> 00:19:08,059 [All gasp] 477 00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:09,626 my dancing knee! 478 00:19:09,626 --> 00:19:11,018 [All gasp] 479 00:19:11,018 --> 00:19:12,411 Did you recognize the assailant? 480 00:19:12,411 --> 00:19:14,108 He was wearing a mask. 481 00:19:14,108 --> 00:19:16,676 You mean she was wearin' a mask. 482 00:19:16,676 --> 00:19:17,808 [All gasp] 483 00:19:17,808 --> 00:19:19,766 How could you, Ma? 484 00:19:19,766 --> 00:19:22,813 Yeah! How could you? I had dibs! 485 00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:24,467 Me? I had nothin' to do 486 00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:27,296 with this admittedly fortunate turn of events. 487 00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:29,950 Right, so when you said the only way I'd win 488 00:19:29,950 --> 00:19:31,213 is if Donnie got kneecapped, 489 00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:33,084 you were bein' psychic. 490 00:19:33,084 --> 00:19:35,478 Oh, my god, ma are you psychic? 491 00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,001 She's a witch! 492 00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:39,046 Is someone going to call an ambulance? 493 00:19:39,046 --> 00:19:41,092 Cookie, I'm afraid I'm going to have to 494 00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:42,398 inquire as to your whereab-- 495 00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:45,270 [Laughs] Shart. So good. 496 00:19:45,270 --> 00:19:47,838 Anyway, where were you when this happened? 497 00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:49,666 I was nowhere near Donnie. 498 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:52,190 I was backstage workin' on Theresa's song. 499 00:19:52,190 --> 00:19:54,279 I even found the rhyme you were lookin' for. 500 00:19:54,279 --> 00:19:57,587 'Just reach around and make a happy sound'. 501 00:19:57,587 --> 00:19:59,589 Why did you finish my song for me? 502 00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:02,069 Donnie may have been playin' ya, but he was right. 503 00:20:02,069 --> 00:20:03,984 You gotta be yourself. 504 00:20:03,984 --> 00:20:05,595 Stop upstaging me! 505 00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:07,423 It's my time to shine. 506 00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:08,598 Mine! 507 00:20:08,598 --> 00:20:10,077 None of this would have happened 508 00:20:10,077 --> 00:20:12,297 were it not for the incompetent shrew who birthed me! 509 00:20:12,297 --> 00:20:14,168 Donnie, don't! 510 00:20:14,168 --> 00:20:16,693 Shut your kale hole! 511 00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:18,999 If you'd have been there on time with my smoothie, 512 00:20:18,999 --> 00:20:21,219 you could have taken the hit for me. 513 00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:23,743 But you didn't. Why? 514 00:20:23,743 --> 00:20:25,789 Because you're a selfish, greedy, evil-- 515 00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:28,357 [Screams] 516 00:20:28,357 --> 00:20:30,097 Fine! It was me! 517 00:20:30,097 --> 00:20:32,186 And I would have got away with it 518 00:20:32,186 --> 00:20:34,450 if I didn't just hit him again in front of everyone! 519 00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:36,016 Dammit! 520 00:20:37,583 --> 00:20:39,368 Kneecappin' your own kid? 521 00:20:39,368 --> 00:20:40,717 That [Bleep] is cold. 522 00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:42,849 I'll tell you what's cold. 523 00:20:42,849 --> 00:20:45,635 Diva Donnie making me walk beside the car 524 00:20:45,635 --> 00:20:47,985 on the way home from his singing lessons in the dead of winter 525 00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:50,857 because I "was taking up too much oxygen". 526 00:20:50,857 --> 00:20:52,990 Oh, I could go on! 527 00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:54,470 He's a monster! 528 00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:56,385 Mother! How could you? 529 00:20:56,385 --> 00:20:58,561 Oh shut up, ya [bleep] Drama Queen! 530 00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:01,215 Ya know, we may not have the best relationship 531 00:21:01,215 --> 00:21:03,305 but at least we're not these clowns. 532 00:21:03,305 --> 00:21:04,436 I love you. 533 00:21:06,438 --> 00:21:08,266 I love you too, Mom. 534 00:21:08,266 --> 00:21:10,486 Aw now ya got my nose cryin'. 535 00:21:10,486 --> 00:21:12,139 Not so fast, madame. 536 00:21:12,139 --> 00:21:14,272 A real crime has been committed. 537 00:21:14,272 --> 00:21:17,667 I have no choice but to arrest-- Oh the results are in! 538 00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:21,497 This year's winner of Regina's Got Talent is... 539 00:21:21,497 --> 00:21:25,414 [Drumroll] 540 00:21:25,414 --> 00:21:27,154 Dickfart and Little G! 541 00:21:27,154 --> 00:21:28,634 What? 542 00:21:28,634 --> 00:21:30,070 Who's Little-dick and G-Fart? 543 00:21:30,070 --> 00:21:32,986 Ha! Ya said I was too young to enter. 544 00:21:32,986 --> 00:21:35,511 But I did and I won! 545 00:21:35,511 --> 00:21:37,774 Take that, ya mother [Bleep]s! 546 00:21:37,774 --> 00:21:39,776 Porky's Revenge, it's alive! 547 00:21:39,776 --> 00:21:41,734 Run! Run for your lives! 548 00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:44,389 [All scream] 549 00:21:46,913 --> 00:21:48,524 For Canada! 550 00:21:48,524 --> 00:21:50,656 Where even the most heroic must sometimes flee in terror! 551 00:21:50,656 --> 00:21:53,398 [All scream] 552 00:21:55,008 --> 00:21:56,619 Oh, so everybody gets a shot but Cheech? 553 00:21:56,619 --> 00:21:58,360 It's my turn, kid.