'Member me?
Back in the old life, I was a mob wife.
Anyway, when mob wives had to,
we rolled up our sleeveless blouses
and helped out with the family business.
Like when Jimmy's crew got pinched after a museum job
'coz Cheech left a DNA sample all over Nefertiti's bust.
Alright, Gloria's collectin' protection money,
Mia's intimidatin' a witness,
and Frenchie's cuttin' heroin with parmesan cheese.
Best smack in the city.
So what do we do?
Chick flicks?
This isn't girls night out you lazy bum.
Then Gloria hauls in Stinky LaRue.
A notorious rat Jimmy wanted gone.
But there was a problem...
Ah, can't do it.
I can't get blood all over this pant suit.
Don't look at me, I just had these nails done.
I ain't washin' his skull fragments outta my new roots
I was almost gonna let that scumbag go.
But I had an idea.
Alright, [Bleep]nuts.
Before we do this,
you're gonna sit here with us and watch a movie...
Ooooh, "The Vanilla Lace Tea Cosy".
Ninety minutes of awkward English people
stammerin' about their feelings.
[Gunshot]
Who wants popcorn?
I dunno Cook, even for the mob,
death by chick flick is a little cruel and unusual.
But no one in the Family ever ratted again.
Yeah right, and we're in Regina on freakin' holidays!
If you think Canada's gonna make me any less cruel and unusual...
Fugget about it.
♪ Lemme tell you somethin'
♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪
♪ A "made" wise guy and a capo with Gambini ♪
♪ But then he found out they'd be whackin' Uncle Cheech ♪
♪ He take the boss he threw him his nineteenth floor suite ♪
♪ Wasn't much long till the mob all wants him dead ♪
♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the feds ♪
♪ The feds said they'd help if they can use him as a pawn ♪
♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪
♪ Fugget about it!
Oh! Fugget about it!
How about this one?
I already gotta tell your brother to tuck in his shirt,
I ain't tellin' you to tuck in your privates!
My clothes express my individuality!
Stop tryin' to census me!
How about this?
It says Material Girl.
With a hint of Like A Virgin.
What the hell are you talkin' about?
Ya know, Madonna.
Lady Gaga's grandma?
If we weren't in public,
I'd smack ya right in your stupid mouth!
Teen troubles, Cookie?
Oh, hey Annabelle.
You know how it is with teenagers,
can't live with them, can't drown 'em in the river.
Well, we can't all be super-parents.
How do they fit, darling?
Like I'm wearing miracles, Mother!
What's with Billy Elliot over there?
That's my son, Donnie.
He's testing a pair of dance pants
for this year's 'Regina's Got Talent' competition.
Regina's got talent?
It's a performing arts contest.
No, I'm askin', Regina's got talent?
Yes, and my Donnie's won three years in a row,
right Superstar?
Ain't you two a pair.
More like a team.
It's amazing what happens
when you don't threaten your children with abuse.
Hey me and Theresa are a team, too!
Well Twinkie, your 'teammate' just abandoned you.
Theresa!
Get back here right now or so help me I'll--
Hug you so hard.
Why do you want me to sign up for a talent show, Ma?
I thought about what ya said in the store.
You were right about expressin' your individuality,
and this is a great way to do it.
So it's a wet t-shirt contest?
Ya got a beautiful singing voice, Theresa,
and I want ya to share it with the world.
My nose is cryin'!
I'm not used to ya sayin' nice things about me.
Well get used to it, teammate, 'coz you deserve it!
Take it easy Ma.
Who knows what's in that blood?
Jimmy, what are you doin' here?
Regina Tourism sponsors this event,
so I gotta sit here
and sign up all the wannabes and losers.
Well, Theresa's signin' up.
Did I say losers?
I meant shining stars of tomorrow.
You guys are the best.
You're talented too Gina, but this contest ain't for you.
Pop, I got no intention of entering
"Regina's Got Assholes".
Well that's good, 'coz ya can't.
What do ya mean... "can't"?
Age limit's ten and over. You're too young.
So ya can't.
Can't... Can't... Can't...
Let it go, Gina.
There's some things you can't do.
But this ain't one of 'em.
Can't... Can't...
Shut up!
Now McCool, just 'coz my daughter's in this,
I don't want you showin' any favoritism.
Unless you're open to that.
In which case, I can make it worth your while.
Do you know why I've been asked
to judge this contest three years in a row, Jimmy?
'Coz no one else'll do it?
And my integrity. I am unbribable.
I'm always the bribesmaid.
Never the bribe.
[Laughs]
Toby for Jimmy, Toby for Jimmy.
Hey Toby, what's up?
Toby for Jimmy! Come in, Jimmy!
[Sighs]
Go for Jimmy.
Oh there you are!
Aren't these headsets amazing?
Anyway I have terrible news.
Turns out Dick Clark is dead.
We need a new emcee.
Did someone say "emcee"?
Have you ever emcee'd before, Uncle Cheech?
I certainly have, young lady.
If any of youse got allergies, whip out your Epipens,
'coz here comes
Peanut Butter Cookie!
[Applause]
Sorry I'm late,
I had to finish the word parts for my first number.
Number?
It's like the one I sang at Uncle Luigi's thing, 'member?
♪ He's shakin' his ass, dressed sharp as a knife. ♪
♪ It's non-stop booty, just don't tell his wife. ♪
♪ Shake it. Shake it. ♪
♪ Shake it at Club Afterlife. ♪
Yeah!
Wait'll they hear my new song, "Labia of Love"!
Theresa honey, the judges wanna hear classics.
Then I'll sing one of my classy ballads.
Like 'Angel with the Fake Tits'.
You cried when I sang it at Christina's communion.
We all did, honey.
But if ya wanna make it past the first round,
ya gotta keep things wholesome.
Okay. I'll try.
But let's not go overboard.
Of course not.
Now tape down your boobs and put this nun outfit.
Now to help us forget 'The Human Pretzel'
practically lickin' his own balls,
here's our next act,
'G-Doll and Enviro-Pete!'
Now remember, I'm not your sister, I'm a doll.
You sure are.
Thanks for encouraging me to do this.
My unique brand of edutainment
is just what the people need.
Shut the [Bleep] up, we're on.
Hey, G-Doll.
Do you know why the Ecosystem
is in so much trouble?
Because the owners of big factories
are a bunch of dummies...
...just like me.
[Sighs]
Talk about an ego-system.
[Laughs]
Remember everyone!
Think Globally...
...act jokily!
The ventriloquism's quite impressive,
but the material's atrocious.
Bring back the ball-licker!
[Applause]
What? It's only 60 pounds.
♪ Cause you'll have a great old time ♪
♪ at the good old ball game! ♪
[Applause]
Stay neutral old chap. Stay neutral.
Looks like Theresa might make it through
to the next round.
And it looks like you might be crappin' your pants.
Well get ready to eat it.
Next up we got a three-time winner,
a one-man dance armada,
and a true patriot.
Let's give a warm Vagina welcome
to Donnie Westminster!
[Applause]
♪ [Techno version of O Canada]
[Gasps]
♪ [Techno version of O Canada]
[Gasps]
♪ [Techno version of O Canada]
[Applause]
♪ [Techno version of O Canada]
[Applause]
This kid's freakin' amazing!
Makes that Nun's routine look like a bowl of piss.
That Nun was Theresa!
Oh sorry.
This kid makes Theresa look like a bowl of piss.
You want us to fix the talent contest?
Not the whole contest, just that freakin' Donnie.
He's unbeatable!
Then I guess we'll have to beat some beatable into him.
Anyone asks, I been here all day.
You have been here all day.
Exactly.
Cook, I'm not hurtin' a kid over a contest.
Unless there's a cash prize. How much we talkin'?
It's a trophy and braggin' rights.
What am I, an amateur?
And trust me, no one in that show's gonna do any braggin'.
Especially that boring nun.
She's next on my list, Cook.
That's Theresa!
Ya wanna end this contest or not?
Okay, fugget it.
I guess I'll just have to be a better mother
and put way more pressure on Theresa.
♪ Everywhere that Mary went, ♪
♪ the lamb was sure to go! ♪
Stay on the high note! The high note!
I don't believe the lamb's following Mary!
Convince me!
Visualize your goals! Reactualify your Happitude!
You 're just makin' those words up!
Don't talk back to your life coach, muffin top!
This is un-excuse-my-language frickin' -acceptable, Mother!
Why didn't you hire me a life coach?
I- I never-
Never wanted me to win, obviously!
Ugh! I'm getting flushed.
Fan!
Donnie, you have nothing to worry about--
Too dry! Spritz!
Ugh!
Are you trying to drown me?
Donnie, calm down.
Theresa's good, but you're better.
I guess I'm going to have to handle this
because you're more useless than a donated appendix!
Oh, Donnie.
THERESA: ♪ Fly like a dove
♪ it's a labia of love...
Hey we agreed no original songs!
But I'm almost done writing it.
I just need something that rhymes with 'reach around'.
Do you wanna win this thing or not?
Original songs, eh?
That gives me an idea.
Go get the car, Annabelle.
...in five, six, seven, eight-
God help you if I get to ten!
We barely squeaked into this round, Gina,
so we really have to nail it.
Don't forget, be the message.
Sure thing, Petey.
CHEECH: Folks, if you need to use the crapper,
now's a good time.
'Coz it'll smell better than this next act.
I hate this guy.
[Sighs]
By the way I changed our name.
Oh it's nice you're getting involved.
CHEECH: Please welcome Little G...
That's fun!
CHEECH: ...and Dickfart!
Gina! Uh, um... Ahem. Okay.
Hey, Little G,
tell us what you know about fracking.
That's when you dig a hole in the backyard and fart in it.
[Laughter]
Then this frackin' loser shoves his head in and sniffs!
Ha! Right to the kisser!
[Laughs]
Jokes aside, um, do you know
the size of your carbon footprint, Little G?
Two inches. Just like your dick!
[Laughter]
Gina, cut it out.
Yes, um, carbon emissions
should be on everyones' minds...
Along with the polar ice caps.
Yes! Thank you!
Do you know why the ice caps are melting?
'Coz you jerk off in the shower?
[Laughter]
Dickfart's getting served!
So why did you ask me out, Donnie?
I like you Theresa.
You're a good kid and I want to give you
some advice about the 'bizznasty'.
I got it directly from Al Pacino...
's acting coach's web site.
Wow. You are connected.
Oh yeah.
I've slept my way
around the entertainment block, sweetheart.
Had my fair share of mouthies, VT's-
VT's?
Vagina touches.
So naive.
Donnie, have you ever actually been with a girl?
Are you kidding?
Any more tangy poon for me
and my g-spot is going to fall right off.
What part of this is the advice?
This part!
If you wanna stand out from the crowd,
you need to do something original.
You mean like... an original song?
Yes!
But who has those right?
I do! I write my own songs!
You do? And you're not singing them?
Umm, are you trying to lose?
But I promised Ma I'd wait until I won.
Waiting's for tables, baby.
Speaking of which...
Who do I gotta blow-jam to get another shake around here?
[Screams]
JIMMY: Petey, we always laugh at ya,
but who knew you had real comedy chops?
When that creepy troll doll accused you
of clear cutting the cheese...
my ribs, Petey. My ribs!
Gina, ya shoulda seen this kid.
He's a natural!
Yeah, but his material's a little high-brow for Gina here.
Now let's not forget about the environmental message.
I'm an edutainor first and foremost.
The reviewer says you've,
"redefined the fart
of self-deprecating humour
with refreshing brilliance".
Uh, I heard the dummy's pretty hilarious too.
Yeah but without Petey there's no act.
It's just a hideous little puppet.
Creepiest thing I ever seen.
What's the 'G' stand for anyway? "Grotesque"?
I thought it was just, "God help me"!
No, it stands for,
"Guys, look what just fell outta my ass".
[All laugh]
[Growls]
Now that we eliminated all the riffraff,
it's time to hit the snooze button
for the opposite of entertainment,
Theresa McDougal!
[Applause]
♪ It's super drama fraggle-rock spaghetti is delicious! ♪
Aw forget that crap!
Regina make some noise!
[All gasp]
Clap your hands! Come on!
Aw yeah.
This is a Theresa McDougal
original Christmas jam!
It's called, 'Bust Your Chestnut on an Open Fire'.
[♪♪♪]
♪ There's a super cool guy made of big snowballs, ♪
♪ and he's having a bush party for all y'alls! ♪
♪ Frosty's his name
♪ and bein' chill is his game. ♪
I don't know what's sadder -
How hard you tried or how badly she's failing.
♪ So get your butts to the bonfire, ♪
♪ this is a race 'coz he's gonna bust ♪
♪ some Christmas cheer all over your face! ♪
Snip my foreskin and color me Jewish,
because Christmas is dead to me.
Relax, Ma.
I made it through to the next round, didn't I?
Only by the skin of your teeth
thanks to that humpy dog act getting disqualified.
Toby for security. Toby for security.
where are you Jimmy?
[Both laugh]
Who the hell told ya to do your own song?
Donnie. He told me to be original.
Theresa Falcone, you got played!
My song got played.
And once I find a rhyme for 'reacharound',
I'll be droping another sound bomb yo!
Now the only way we'll beat Annabelle
is if Donnie gets kneecapped.
So that's why you made me enter this?
To beat Donnie's mom?
Who's playin' who, Ma?
I wasn't playin' ya, I was encouragin' ya.
By makin' me dress like a nun and sing about baseball?
You were a nun tryin' to keep orphans off drugs
by gettin' 'em into sports.
It's called a backstory, Theresa!
You know what?
You're in this for you, not for me!
Theresa, wait!
Ugh. Balls!
You're welcome, Mother.
Once again, I solved the problem.
Now can you handle getting me a smoothie
or is that too much for you, you dried up old cow?
Oh, and I'm going to need a new phone!
Because this one's broken!
I freakin' hate other people's kids.
Kick ball change, and a funky hips.
Eye on the prize, eye on the prize.
No. No. No. Who's a bad boy?
That's me.
Who's a bad boy? That's me.
How do girls pee? Who knows?
Do the running man.
Go Donnie. Go Donnie.
It's about time. You best have my smoothie-
Hey, who are you?
No. No!
Are you ready, Little G?
What do I know? I'm just a "dummy".
Say, Little G, I bet you have something funny to say
about me and the terrible effects of nano-pollution.
Little G?
Heh.
Do you have a frog in your throat?
Speaking of which, frogs in mountainous areas
are most affected by climate change.
What do you think about that, Little G?
Make the troll talk!
C'mon, say something!
Yeah! Make the gargoyle emasculate you!
I'm a gargoyle?
This from a guy with a baboon's ass for a face!
[All laugh]
Does Ol' MacDonald know you left the farm, ya [Bleep] Donkey?
[Brays]
Hey, McCool. A shart says 'pardon me'?
Pardon me?
Oh! Oh! I see what you did!
Hey, everyone, the gremlin called me a shart!
Haha!
CHEECH: Stop the show!
Look who I found out by the dumpster.
Donnie!
I've been... kneebanged!
[All scream]
Calm down everyone.
I'm a police officer, I'll get to the bottom of this.
Donnie, tell us who banged you?
I was out back,
waiting forever for my mother to bring my smoothie
when someone ran up and hit me right in my knee...
[All gasp]
my dancing knee!
[All gasp]
Did you recognize the assailant?
He was wearing a mask.
You mean she was wearin' a mask.
[All gasp]
How could you, Ma?
Yeah! How could you? I had dibs!
Me? I had nothin' to do
with this admittedly fortunate turn of events.
Right, so when you said the only way I'd win
is if Donnie got kneecapped,
you were bein' psychic.
Oh, my god, ma are you psychic?
She's a witch!
Is someone going to call an ambulance?
Cookie, I'm afraid I'm going to have to
inquire as to your whereab--
[Laughs] Shart. So good.
Anyway, where were you when this happened?
I was nowhere near Donnie.
I was backstage workin' on Theresa's song.
I even found the rhyme you were lookin' for.
'Just reach around and make a happy sound'.
Why did you finish my song for me?
Donnie may have been playin' ya, but he was right.
You gotta be yourself.
Stop upstaging me!
It's my time to shine.
Mine!
None of this would have happened
were it not for the incompetent shrew who birthed me!
Donnie, don't!
Shut your kale hole!
If you'd have been there on time with my smoothie,
you could have taken the hit for me.
But you didn't. Why?
Because you're a selfish, greedy, evil--
[Screams]
Fine! It was me!
And I would have got away with it
if I didn't just hit him again in front of everyone!
Dammit!
Kneecappin' your own kid?
That [Bleep] is cold.
I'll tell you what's cold.
Diva Donnie making me walk beside the car
on the way home from his singing lessons in the dead of winter
because I "was taking up too much oxygen".
Oh, I could go on!
He's a monster!
Mother! How could you?
Oh shut up, ya [bleep] Drama Queen!
Ya know, we may not have the best relationship
but at least we're not these clowns.
I love you.
I love you too, Mom.
Aw now ya got my nose cryin'.
Not so fast, madame.
A real crime has been committed.
I have no choice but to arrest-- Oh the results are in!
This year's winner of Regina's Got Talent is...
[Drumroll]
Dickfart and Little G!
What?
Who's Little-dick and G-Fart?
Ha! Ya said I was too young to enter.
But I did and I won!
Take that, ya mother [Bleep]s!
Porky's Revenge, it's alive!
Run! Run for your lives!
[All scream]
For Canada!
Where even the most heroic must sometimes flee in terror!
[All scream]
Oh, so everybody gets a shot but Cheech?
It's my turn, kid.