1 00:00:00,608 --> 00:00:02,262 How ya doin'? 2 00:00:02,262 --> 00:00:03,959 Ya know, back in the old days, 3 00:00:03,959 --> 00:00:05,483 ya found out someone was gettin' whacked 4 00:00:05,483 --> 00:00:07,224 after it was done. 5 00:00:07,224 --> 00:00:09,574 You'd be all, "Hey, where's so-and-so?" 6 00:00:09,574 --> 00:00:12,359 and everyone'd get all quiet like someone farted. 7 00:00:12,359 --> 00:00:15,101 But with Cheech, I found out in advance. 8 00:00:15,101 --> 00:00:17,321 It was the day I had four root canals. 9 00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:19,192 Wiseguys ain't big on dental work, 10 00:00:19,192 --> 00:00:21,151 but Cookie made me go. 11 00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:22,804 Word came down from Gambini. 12 00:00:22,804 --> 00:00:24,328 Cheech has gotta die... 13 00:00:24,328 --> 00:00:25,981 [Muffled speech] 14 00:00:25,981 --> 00:00:27,853 But I forgot where he lives. 15 00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:30,203 I know, I'm a terrible friend! 16 00:00:30,203 --> 00:00:32,466 Now where is he, so I can go kill him. 17 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,599 [Muffled speech] 18 00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:36,427 What'd he say? 19 00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:38,081 Quit stallin', Jimmy! 20 00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:40,779 I promise I'll make it quick and painless for him! 21 00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:42,607 ...Okay, only one of those is true. 22 00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:45,305 [Muffled speech] 23 00:00:45,305 --> 00:00:47,699 What language is that, stroke victim? 24 00:00:47,699 --> 00:00:49,875 JIMMY: I was tryin' to plead for Cheech's life - 25 00:00:49,875 --> 00:00:52,095 and explain that I'd just been to the dentist, 26 00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:53,661 but I couldn't get a word out! 27 00:00:53,661 --> 00:00:58,231 [Muffled speech] 28 00:00:58,231 --> 00:01:00,799 Oh, so this is where he is! 29 00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:02,975 There's a good boy, Jimmy. 30 00:01:02,975 --> 00:01:05,282 They didn't find Cheech, but they came away with somethin'. 31 00:01:05,282 --> 00:01:08,546 [Men screaming and dentist drill running] 32 00:01:11,636 --> 00:01:13,725 And that's why four out of five gangsters 33 00:01:13,725 --> 00:01:15,727 never go to the dentist. 34 00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:17,859 But if you think Canadian healthcare covers dental... 35 00:01:18,991 --> 00:01:21,080 fugget about it! 36 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,647 ♪ Let me tell you something 37 00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:24,475 ♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪ 38 00:01:24,475 --> 00:01:27,521 ♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪ 39 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,915 ♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪ 40 00:01:29,915 --> 00:01:31,525 ♪ he take the boss, 41 00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,397 ♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪ 42 00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:36,443 ♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead ♪ 43 00:01:36,443 --> 00:01:39,707 ♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪ 44 00:01:39,707 --> 00:01:42,754 ♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪ 45 00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:45,365 ♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan. ♪ 46 00:01:45,365 --> 00:01:48,151 ♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it! 47 00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,849 ♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪ 48 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,245 [Laughing] 49 00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:57,725 Then Mario says, "Which head? 50 00:01:57,725 --> 00:01:59,423 I got a suitcase full of 'em!" 51 00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:02,904 [Both laughing] 52 00:02:02,904 --> 00:02:04,863 McCOOL: I knew as much! 53 00:02:04,863 --> 00:02:08,345 As I settled in for an evening of whittling and CBC Radio, 54 00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:11,565 I heard a report of two rowdies causing a ruckus. 55 00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:14,307 Surprise, surprise, it's you two! 56 00:02:14,307 --> 00:02:16,048 We ain't drunk enough to cause no ruckus... 57 00:02:19,747 --> 00:02:21,140 NOW we're ruckusin'! 58 00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:24,448 McCool, ya know what your problem is? 59 00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:26,145 Ya don't know how to have fun! 60 00:02:26,145 --> 00:02:28,016 I certainly do! 61 00:02:28,016 --> 00:02:29,670 Why, just last week, 62 00:02:29,670 --> 00:02:31,324 I snow-shoed across a barren, unforgiving tundra 63 00:02:31,324 --> 00:02:32,586 to go ice fish- 64 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,762 [Snoring] 65 00:02:34,762 --> 00:02:36,329 Oh, very funny! 66 00:02:36,329 --> 00:02:38,723 Face it, you're boring! 67 00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:40,072 Boring, eh? 68 00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:41,856 We'll see about that! 69 00:02:41,856 --> 00:02:45,382 Barkeep, fix me three Prancing Mounties! 70 00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:46,861 [Gasp] 71 00:02:46,861 --> 00:02:48,776 What's that, a girlie drink? 72 00:02:48,776 --> 00:02:50,517 Certainly not! 73 00:02:50,517 --> 00:02:52,737 Each ingredient of the Prancing Mountie 74 00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:56,131 is culled from Canada's finest fermenters and distillers - 75 00:02:56,131 --> 00:02:59,570 plus seven ounces of 180-proof Jamaican rum! 76 00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:01,049 Yeah, girlie drink. 77 00:03:02,790 --> 00:03:04,531 To Canada, 78 00:03:04,531 --> 00:03:06,664 where point-zero-eight isn't the limit, 79 00:03:06,664 --> 00:03:08,187 it's the minimum! 80 00:03:09,928 --> 00:03:12,322 VOICE: Jimmy... 81 00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:18,153 [Cough, groan] What happened last night? 82 00:03:19,981 --> 00:03:21,809 Where the hell am I? 83 00:03:21,809 --> 00:03:23,637 This place looks familiar. 84 00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:25,726 [Groan] 85 00:03:25,726 --> 00:03:28,686 Jimmy, how much did we drink? 86 00:03:28,686 --> 00:03:30,296 I dunno. It's a blur. 87 00:03:30,296 --> 00:03:32,994 I had a horrifying nightmare in which, 88 00:03:32,994 --> 00:03:35,736 for some reason, we left Regina and... 89 00:03:36,955 --> 00:03:38,565 [Gasp] 90 00:03:38,565 --> 00:03:41,438 Ho-ly-shit-balls! 91 00:03:41,438 --> 00:03:43,831 Joni Mitchell's Paved Paradise! 92 00:03:43,831 --> 00:03:46,269 We're in New York? Why are we in New York? 93 00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:48,880 You tell me! You're the detective. 94 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,056 This is clearly some kind of fever dream 95 00:03:51,056 --> 00:03:53,145 brought on by last night's debauchery. 96 00:03:53,145 --> 00:03:54,755 Here's what I'll do - 97 00:03:54,755 --> 00:03:57,367 I'm going to will myself unconscious, 98 00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:58,977 and when I awaken, 99 00:03:58,977 --> 00:04:01,109 everything will be back to normal. 100 00:04:01,109 --> 00:04:03,416 McCool, that's nuts! Ya can't - 101 00:04:05,853 --> 00:04:07,507 Mornin', Jimbo! 102 00:04:07,507 --> 00:04:09,857 We really tied one on last night, huh? 103 00:04:09,857 --> 00:04:11,642 Ya made coffee? 104 00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,339 Do you know where we are? 105 00:04:13,339 --> 00:04:15,210 We're in New York. What are ya, stupid? 106 00:04:15,210 --> 00:04:17,300 I had this nightmare we were in some 107 00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,127 frozen craphole in Canada, 108 00:04:19,127 --> 00:04:21,478 and our name was - get this - 109 00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:23,218 "McGillicuddy!""McDougal." 110 00:04:24,481 --> 00:04:26,918 Oh my God! It's the mountie from my dream! 111 00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:29,703 Wait, no, this is the dream... or is it? 112 00:04:31,357 --> 00:04:35,709 ♪ [Dramatic music] 113 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,276 What does that mean?! 114 00:04:37,276 --> 00:04:39,670 This is the end of my career! 115 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,715 I can't call for help. What would I say? 116 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,761 "I thought I'd take the Falcone boys to New York 117 00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:46,111 to reconnect them with the people who want them dead?!" 118 00:04:46,111 --> 00:04:48,026 [Phone rings]Oh, lovely. 119 00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:50,071 That's probably work, wondering where I am. 120 00:04:50,071 --> 00:04:52,335 So don't answer it.This is my work phone. I have to! 121 00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:53,771 No ya don't! 122 00:04:55,468 --> 00:04:58,079 Special Agent Strait McCool. 123 00:04:58,079 --> 00:04:59,951 Oh, hello, Cookie... 124 00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:03,084 Thank God you answered! 125 00:05:03,084 --> 00:05:04,521 Jimmy went out for a beer last night 126 00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:06,305 and didn't come home. 127 00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:08,960 I'm so worried! What if something happened? 128 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,005 I don't know what I'd do without him! 129 00:05:11,005 --> 00:05:12,572 Don't worry, Cookie, 130 00:05:12,572 --> 00:05:14,269 he's, uh, with me! 131 00:05:14,269 --> 00:05:16,228 He had a little too much fun last night. 132 00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:18,273 Oh, I'm so relieved. 133 00:05:18,273 --> 00:05:20,101 Now tell that useless, fat [bleep] 134 00:05:20,101 --> 00:05:22,800 not to come staggerin' home until he's sobered his ass up. 135 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,845 'Cause I'm NOT dealin' 136 00:05:24,845 --> 00:05:27,326 with a giant, sweaty man-baby all day! 137 00:05:27,326 --> 00:05:29,067 Oh, and Cheech is also with me - 138 00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:30,024 Don't care. 139 00:05:31,112 --> 00:05:32,984 Jimmy... 140 00:05:32,984 --> 00:05:35,247 is this your old house? 141 00:05:35,247 --> 00:05:37,031 Yeah, it is. But how'd you know? 142 00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:39,164 [Gasp] 143 00:05:40,295 --> 00:05:41,862 I added the last part. 144 00:05:41,862 --> 00:05:43,255 They always leave me out. 145 00:05:46,345 --> 00:05:48,565 Why do I have to help clean out the garage? 146 00:05:48,565 --> 00:05:50,088 I didn't do anything wrong. 147 00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:51,959 Mom found cigarette butts outside, 148 00:05:51,959 --> 00:05:53,483 so until the culprit comes forward, 149 00:05:53,483 --> 00:05:55,049 we're all paying for it. 150 00:05:55,049 --> 00:05:56,573 Only time I touch smokes 151 00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,226 is when I buy 'em off a reserve 152 00:05:58,226 --> 00:05:59,619 and sell 'em at the high school. 153 00:05:59,619 --> 00:06:01,316 Gina, that's wrong! 154 00:06:01,316 --> 00:06:03,188 If a 300 percent markup is wrong, 155 00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:04,581 I don't wanna be right. 156 00:06:06,887 --> 00:06:08,585 PETEY: Who's this guy with Mom? 157 00:06:08,585 --> 00:06:10,282 And why does he look like me? 158 00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:11,718 Maybe it's your twin brother. 159 00:06:11,718 --> 00:06:13,372 That's impossible! 160 00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:15,592 This guy's at least 20 years older than me. 161 00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:18,377 Besides, THIS is what happened to Petey's twin! 162 00:06:18,377 --> 00:06:20,597 Nom, nom, nom, nom! 163 00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,729 Why would they make a flip book of that? 164 00:06:22,729 --> 00:06:24,644 Prob'ly so ya can do this - 165 00:06:24,644 --> 00:06:27,473 Bleugh! Bleugh! Bleugh! Bleugh! 166 00:06:27,473 --> 00:06:29,954 Eww, talk about shame eating! 167 00:06:32,478 --> 00:06:34,698 It would appear the parts of your house 168 00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:37,614 that haven't been vandalized and/or used as a toilet 169 00:06:37,614 --> 00:06:40,486 have been converted into a veterinary clinic. 170 00:06:40,486 --> 00:06:43,141 That's 'coz this is a mob doctor's office. 171 00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:44,925 Mob doctors are usually greedy, 172 00:06:44,925 --> 00:06:46,840 money-grubbin' veterinarians. 173 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,625 No kiddin'! 174 00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:51,236 Fifty G's for a baboon heart, and I can barely climb stairs! 175 00:06:52,498 --> 00:06:54,065 Uh... 176 00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:55,893 I think the doctor is in. 177 00:06:59,766 --> 00:07:01,551 Did you do this, Cheech? 178 00:07:01,551 --> 00:07:03,988 I didn't touch the guy! I leave 'em bloody, not naked. 179 00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:06,164 Well, I didn't do it.[Clears throat] 180 00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:07,948 I have no idea what happened, 181 00:07:07,948 --> 00:07:09,646 but the good doctor 182 00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:12,126 is wearing my handcuffs! 183 00:07:12,126 --> 00:07:13,780 'Atta boy, McCool!Oh! 184 00:07:13,780 --> 00:07:16,870 Yes, we can congratulate my decline into degeneracy later. 185 00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:19,351 But right now, we need to focus on getting out of here before - 186 00:07:19,351 --> 00:07:21,048 [Door knock] 187 00:07:21,048 --> 00:07:23,573 Doc, it's Leo! Open the door! 188 00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:26,358 Tutti got shot in the ass - again! 189 00:07:26,358 --> 00:07:28,491 Oh crap! It's the Gambini crew! 190 00:07:29,709 --> 00:07:30,971 LEO: Dino, kick it in! 191 00:07:33,060 --> 00:07:34,671 Good day, gentlemen! 192 00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:37,108 Who are you? Where's the regular doc? 193 00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:39,589 I'm his, uh... brudda? 194 00:07:39,589 --> 00:07:41,329 His brudda, huh? 195 00:07:41,329 --> 00:07:42,940 And who are 'dese guys? 196 00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:45,464 'Dese are... my interns. 197 00:07:45,464 --> 00:07:47,553 They're, uh, deaf and mute, 198 00:07:47,553 --> 00:07:49,990 so they won't be able to say a single word... 199 00:07:49,990 --> 00:07:52,515 Not a single word! 200 00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:54,342 Now, let's get the patient 201 00:07:54,342 --> 00:07:56,649 into the, um, examining room. 202 00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:01,088 Jimmy, what's wrong with you? 203 00:08:01,088 --> 00:08:03,177 We're deaf and mute! Close your eyes! 204 00:08:08,269 --> 00:08:11,229 Is the garage cleaned out yet, Smokey? 205 00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:12,839 [Gasp] 206 00:08:12,839 --> 00:08:14,841 What the hell are ya doin' with that?! 207 00:08:14,841 --> 00:08:17,017 PETEY: I want to know who that is. 208 00:08:17,017 --> 00:08:19,280 That's - That's none of your business. 209 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:21,021 Forget you saw it, 210 00:08:21,021 --> 00:08:23,197 and do not bring it up in front of your father, ya hear me?! 211 00:08:23,197 --> 00:08:24,982 But who is he? 212 00:08:24,982 --> 00:08:26,679 Who is who?The man in the picture! 213 00:08:28,376 --> 00:08:30,248 What picture? I don't see any picture. 214 00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:32,250 There's no picture! 215 00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:34,078 Dammit, my ring came off! 216 00:08:34,078 --> 00:08:36,123 [Garburator grinding][Scream] 217 00:08:36,123 --> 00:08:38,169 See what ya made me do, ya nosey bastard?! 218 00:08:42,782 --> 00:08:45,306 Shouldn't ya clean any potential obstructions 219 00:08:45,306 --> 00:08:47,526 around the abrasion collar of the contusion 220 00:08:47,526 --> 00:08:49,746 so he don't get necrotic fasciitis? 221 00:08:49,746 --> 00:08:51,704 I - I'm sorry, what? 222 00:08:51,704 --> 00:08:54,794 Shave his ass, so hair don't get in the hole! 223 00:08:54,794 --> 00:08:56,361 Oh, of course. 224 00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:57,797 You two - Prep the patient! 225 00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:02,193 You're quite knowledgeable.I grew up around here. 226 00:09:02,193 --> 00:09:05,413 I've seen more shots in the ass than a Catholic altar boy. 227 00:09:05,413 --> 00:09:08,416 Lookit these clowns, shavin' asses for a livin'. 228 00:09:08,416 --> 00:09:10,375 C'mon Dino, let's go smoke! 229 00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:12,507 Who's he callin' a clown? 230 00:09:12,507 --> 00:09:15,815 Hey, I thought you was mute! 231 00:09:15,815 --> 00:09:17,817 Nah, he's the deaf one.Oh. 232 00:09:17,817 --> 00:09:19,689 So you're the mute?Exactly. 233 00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,212 Got it. 234 00:09:21,212 --> 00:09:22,605 Wait a minute - 235 00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:24,258 We could argue all day 236 00:09:24,258 --> 00:09:25,999 about who's mute and who's deaf, 237 00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:28,393 but we really should be focusing on your ass, Tutti. 238 00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,613 You - Focus that razor on this man's ass! 239 00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:37,097 [Panicked breathing] 240 00:09:38,359 --> 00:09:40,579 Thanks, Cheech.No problem, Jimmy. 241 00:09:40,579 --> 00:09:42,668 Ya killed Gambini for me. It's the least I could do! 242 00:09:42,668 --> 00:09:43,713 [Gasp] 243 00:09:43,713 --> 00:09:45,323 Jimmy?! 244 00:09:45,323 --> 00:09:48,021 Guys, get in here! It's Jimmy Falcone! 245 00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,762 And Cheech! 246 00:09:49,762 --> 00:09:52,112 Who do I gotta blow to get remembered around here?! 247 00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:57,291 TUTTI: Guys, get in here! I got Jimmy Falcone! 248 00:09:58,553 --> 00:10:00,207 Relax, gentlemen! 249 00:10:00,207 --> 00:10:02,035 Tutti had a reaction to the anaesthetic. 250 00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,646 He's fine now. 251 00:10:03,646 --> 00:10:06,474 What was all that about Jimmy Falcone? 252 00:10:06,474 --> 00:10:09,477 He's probably just upset about being in the man's former house. 253 00:10:09,477 --> 00:10:11,175 Wait a sec - 254 00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:13,525 How'd you know this was Jimmy's house? 255 00:10:13,525 --> 00:10:16,397 Well, no one breaks into a random residence 256 00:10:16,397 --> 00:10:18,530 and paints "Kill Jimmy Falcone" on the wall. 257 00:10:18,530 --> 00:10:21,185 Just hearin' that stinkin' rat's name 258 00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:22,795 makes me wanna kill him, 259 00:10:22,795 --> 00:10:24,710 and kill anyone he's with - 260 00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:26,669 and then kill a buncha other people, 261 00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:29,019 on account'a bein' so keyed up! 262 00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:31,282 C'mon Dino, let's go punch somethin'! 263 00:10:32,631 --> 00:10:36,330 [Muffled shouting] 264 00:10:36,330 --> 00:10:38,376 Quit floppin' around! 265 00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:40,160 I'm sorry to have to do this. 266 00:10:42,423 --> 00:10:44,208 Nice shot, McCool. 267 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:46,079 I'll see if I can find us a way out of here. 268 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,125 Cheech, put some stitches in Tutti's behind, will you? 269 00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:49,604 Why? 270 00:10:49,604 --> 00:10:51,955 What kind of pretend doctor would I be 271 00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:54,087 if I allowed this man to get necrotic fasciitis? 272 00:10:56,524 --> 00:10:59,136 Marone! Look at all these drugs! 273 00:10:59,136 --> 00:11:01,007 Pick me! Pick me! 274 00:11:01,007 --> 00:11:03,749 Don't worry, fellas. I'm gonna pick alla youse! 275 00:11:03,749 --> 00:11:04,707 Yay! 276 00:11:06,012 --> 00:11:07,797 I found something! 277 00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:09,537 It's a long shot, but it might work. 278 00:11:09,537 --> 00:11:11,409 Follow me! 279 00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:13,367 Did you sew up the hole in his keister? 280 00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:15,195 JIMMY: Yeah, both of 'em. 281 00:11:15,195 --> 00:11:17,415 McCOOL: But there was only one... Oh. 282 00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:23,029 Who are you? 283 00:11:23,029 --> 00:11:24,901 How do you know my mom? 284 00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:26,903 And what was your major at Harvard? 285 00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:31,951 ♪ 286 00:11:31,951 --> 00:11:36,913 ♪♪ 287 00:11:36,913 --> 00:11:38,218 [Gasp] 288 00:11:38,218 --> 00:11:40,003 Of course! 289 00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:41,831 You're my father! 290 00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:46,009 And that's what I'd look like with boobs. 291 00:11:47,793 --> 00:11:49,229 [Unzips fly] 292 00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:52,450 JIMMY: This is never gonna work! 293 00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:53,973 What's the matter with you, McCool? 294 00:11:53,973 --> 00:11:55,583 It's all I could come up with, Jimmy. 295 00:11:55,583 --> 00:11:57,672 I'm a little stressed out, so cut me some slack! 296 00:11:57,672 --> 00:11:59,500 JIMMY: Okay, sorry. 297 00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:01,241 Where'd ya find this getup, anyway? 298 00:12:01,241 --> 00:12:03,896 Just inside the door of an escape tunnel in the basement. 299 00:12:03,896 --> 00:12:05,855 [Gasp] Calgary Stampede! 300 00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,857 Let's go back!LEO: Where ya goin', Doc? 301 00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:10,337 Say, that's a nice animal! 302 00:12:10,337 --> 00:12:12,383 Wait a sec... 303 00:12:12,383 --> 00:12:14,602 I don't remember seein' no horse inside! 304 00:12:16,082 --> 00:12:18,389 Dino, shut up! Whatsamatter with you? 305 00:12:18,389 --> 00:12:20,043 He's a vet, ya moron! 306 00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:22,436 See, this is why you still live in ya mudder's basement. 307 00:12:22,436 --> 00:12:24,917 MARIE: Leo, ya sonofabitch! 308 00:12:24,917 --> 00:12:27,354 Where the hell have you been?! 309 00:12:27,354 --> 00:12:29,139 Aw crap, it's Marie! 310 00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:31,141 [Shudder] Remember Marie? 311 00:12:31,141 --> 00:12:33,926 There's a piece of work. [Bleep]in' shoot me now, Jimmy. 312 00:12:33,926 --> 00:12:36,189 What are ya doin' out here with these mooks?! 313 00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:39,105 I bet ya forgot our anniversary, didn't ya?! 314 00:12:39,105 --> 00:12:40,933 Hoh, baby! 315 00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:42,413 'Course not! 316 00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,067 I was, uh, 317 00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:46,373 just talkin' to the doc here about... 318 00:12:46,373 --> 00:12:48,549 your big surprise! 319 00:12:48,549 --> 00:12:50,464 I, uh - No, you weren't. 320 00:12:50,464 --> 00:12:52,510 Sure I was! 321 00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:55,513 I was explainin' how, if ya didn't help me out, 322 00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:58,298 I'd put you and your fancy [bleep]in' horse 323 00:12:58,298 --> 00:13:00,257 in the East River 324 00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:02,346 in small packages. 325 00:13:02,346 --> 00:13:04,478 Oh yes, that. 326 00:13:04,478 --> 00:13:06,306 This better be good! 327 00:13:07,438 --> 00:13:10,397 ♪ [Romantic music] 328 00:13:10,397 --> 00:13:13,183 ♪ [Romantic music] 329 00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:16,142 [Panting] 330 00:13:16,142 --> 00:13:17,970 Great, I'm back in New York, 331 00:13:17,970 --> 00:13:19,450 and I don't even get to see it! 332 00:13:19,450 --> 00:13:20,668 Ugh! 333 00:13:20,668 --> 00:13:22,192 Smells like New York back here. 334 00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:31,549 Ah, so you're the one who was smoking, Theresa! 335 00:13:32,898 --> 00:13:34,639 You saw nothin'! 336 00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:36,380 I guess it makes sense. 337 00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:38,730 Everyone in this family is a big fat liar. 338 00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:40,601 Who you callin' fat? 339 00:13:40,601 --> 00:13:42,603 And who you callin' a liar? 340 00:13:42,603 --> 00:13:44,475 ...Wait, no, I'll give ya that one. 341 00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:46,738 Now I know why I don't fit in - 342 00:13:46,738 --> 00:13:48,479 Because the man in that picture 343 00:13:48,479 --> 00:13:50,350 is my real father. 344 00:13:50,350 --> 00:13:52,439 But you and Pop are so alike... 345 00:13:52,439 --> 00:13:54,485 [Sisters laughing] 346 00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:56,400 I can't even finish that. 347 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,837 Maybe this needle-dick is your father. 348 00:13:58,837 --> 00:14:00,578 Does that make Petey a bastard? 349 00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:02,449 Yeah, so nothin's changed. 350 00:14:02,449 --> 00:14:03,929 Mock all you want. 351 00:14:03,929 --> 00:14:05,931 I'm going to Harvard to find my dad! 352 00:14:05,931 --> 00:14:07,715 Ha! 353 00:14:07,715 --> 00:14:10,414 The guy graduated from Harvard. It's not like he lives there. 354 00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:13,112 Yeah, the only people who live at their schools 355 00:14:13,112 --> 00:14:15,636 are janitors and Harry Potters. 356 00:14:15,636 --> 00:14:18,596 I know! It's just a starting point in my search for - 357 00:14:18,596 --> 00:14:20,119 COOKIE: Is somebody smoking?! 358 00:14:21,251 --> 00:14:22,905 It's Petey! 359 00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:25,037 I knew it!Going to Harvard! Bye! 360 00:14:29,650 --> 00:14:33,263 Ugh, this is the slowest goddamn horse in New York. 361 00:14:33,263 --> 00:14:36,353 Somebody give it some hay or sumthin'! 362 00:14:37,528 --> 00:14:39,530 [Gasp] [Radio chatter] 363 00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:41,706 Yo doc, what gives? 364 00:14:41,706 --> 00:14:44,448 Jesus H. Diefenbaker! Did we steal a plane? 365 00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:46,450 LEO: You're killin' my anniversary here. 366 00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:48,104 Tell the horse to go faster, 367 00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:50,236 or someone's gonna be shavin' your ass tonight. 368 00:14:50,236 --> 00:14:51,629 Help me out here! 369 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,371 What the hell's that? 370 00:14:54,371 --> 00:14:56,068 Horse stimulant from the vet's office. 371 00:14:56,068 --> 00:14:57,548 Jesus, Cheech! 372 00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,506 Who finds random drugs and then just takes 'em? 373 00:14:59,506 --> 00:15:01,900 I do, Jimmy. It's called livin'. 374 00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:03,467 Well, don't get any big idea- 375 00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:05,425 OW!! 376 00:15:05,425 --> 00:15:06,949 I don't feel nothin'. I think that was a dud. 377 00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:10,778 [Laughing]Yee haw! 378 00:15:10,778 --> 00:15:12,955 Helluva thoroughbred ya got there, doc! 379 00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:15,218 That gives me an idea... 380 00:15:16,393 --> 00:15:19,962 ♪ [Fanfare] 381 00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:21,920 That horse better come up a winner, 382 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,922 or it's the glue factory for him, 383 00:15:23,922 --> 00:15:25,706 the cement shoe store for you, 384 00:15:25,706 --> 00:15:27,230 and the supermarket for me. 385 00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:30,146 Killin' makes me hungry. 386 00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:32,496 I think we can totally do this! I think we can totally do this! 387 00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:34,846 Every moment of my life has led me to doin' this! 388 00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:36,891 Let's do this! 389 00:15:36,891 --> 00:15:40,112 ♪ [Fanfare] 390 00:15:40,112 --> 00:15:42,375 ANNOUNCER: It's a beautiful morning at Belmont! 391 00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:43,898 The sun is shining, 392 00:15:43,898 --> 00:15:45,639 the horses are ready, 393 00:15:45,639 --> 00:15:47,598 and the great Canadian invasion 394 00:15:47,598 --> 00:15:49,469 was a false alarm. 395 00:15:49,469 --> 00:15:51,428 I don't know what you did at the park, 396 00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:54,170 but do it again as soon as you hear the bell. 397 00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:56,868 We took speed! Lotsa speed! 398 00:15:56,868 --> 00:15:58,696 I never thought I'd say this, 399 00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,741 but thank God for illegal drugs. 400 00:16:00,741 --> 00:16:03,309 ANNOUNCER: In gate five, we've got Saucy Buckets, 401 00:16:03,309 --> 00:16:04,919 and in gate six, 402 00:16:04,919 --> 00:16:07,661 we have Obviously a Pantomime Horse. 403 00:16:07,661 --> 00:16:10,577 That's the horse's name, folks, not a description. 404 00:16:10,577 --> 00:16:12,405 It's good name! 405 00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:16,888 ♪ [Tense music] 406 00:16:16,888 --> 00:16:21,327 ♪ [Tense music] 407 00:16:21,327 --> 00:16:25,897 ♪ [Tense music] 408 00:16:25,897 --> 00:16:30,423 ♪ [Tense music] 409 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:31,772 [Starting bell] 410 00:16:39,998 --> 00:16:42,131 [Groan]Did we win? 411 00:16:42,131 --> 00:16:44,481 The important thing is, "Did we have fun?" 412 00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:46,439 And no, we did not. 413 00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,050 Dammit! 414 00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,790 I needed that money to buy my way 415 00:16:49,790 --> 00:16:51,705 out of this horrible life! 416 00:16:51,705 --> 00:16:53,446 What did you just say? 417 00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:55,622 I, uh, said... 418 00:16:55,622 --> 00:16:58,930 Let's go put that stinkin' animal out of our misery! 419 00:16:58,930 --> 00:17:00,758 That's what I thought you said. 420 00:17:02,586 --> 00:17:03,587 Phew! 421 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:09,593 So this is Harvard... 422 00:17:12,422 --> 00:17:15,729 I always wondered when you would realize the truth... 423 00:17:15,729 --> 00:17:17,253 my son. 424 00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:18,645 Father! 425 00:17:20,908 --> 00:17:23,172 Come join my research team, Peter. 426 00:17:23,172 --> 00:17:25,478 I'm developing a pill that cures Global Warming. 427 00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:26,871 But how? 428 00:17:26,871 --> 00:17:28,960 It makes human flatulence 429 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,441 refill holes in the ozone layer. 430 00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,007 You said "flatulence." 431 00:17:33,007 --> 00:17:34,792 That's Science for farts! 432 00:17:34,792 --> 00:17:36,489 COOKIE: Petey... 433 00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:38,143 Come home to Mama! 434 00:17:39,753 --> 00:17:41,320 [Scream] 435 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,670 Mama, noooooooo! 436 00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:46,978 I'll be your mama. 437 00:17:46,978 --> 00:17:48,284 Okay. 438 00:17:50,938 --> 00:17:52,766 Peter Frampton McDougal, 439 00:17:52,766 --> 00:17:54,551 get off this bus right now! 440 00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:57,858 I wanna meet my real father! 441 00:17:57,858 --> 00:17:59,599 Keep this up and I'll see to it ya meet Jesus! 442 00:17:59,599 --> 00:18:01,035 Now come on! 443 00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:07,433 I always thought that if I died inside a horse, 444 00:18:07,433 --> 00:18:09,653 it would be more... sexual. 445 00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,307 That's Shaky Dino Bonzinni. 446 00:18:11,307 --> 00:18:12,830 Guy can't shoot to save his life. 447 00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:15,963 Keep movin' 'til he runs outta bullets! 448 00:18:17,182 --> 00:18:18,618 Hey you, Silver! 449 00:18:18,618 --> 00:18:20,054 Keep still! 450 00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:24,015 Leo, you gotta see this! 451 00:18:25,190 --> 00:18:26,583 Ya kill him yet? 452 00:18:27,714 --> 00:18:29,716 How do ya like that? 453 00:18:29,716 --> 00:18:31,544 The horse's got moves! 454 00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:33,938 That gives me an idea... 455 00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:37,028 ♪ 456 00:18:37,028 --> 00:18:40,205 ♪♪ 457 00:18:40,205 --> 00:18:43,600 So this is just a horse dancing... 458 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,602 for three hours? 459 00:18:45,602 --> 00:18:47,778 [Crowd booing] 460 00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:50,389 See what happens when ya gloss over rehearsals? 461 00:18:53,218 --> 00:18:55,133 How could you think I'd have a kid 462 00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:56,656 with someone other than your father? 463 00:18:56,656 --> 00:18:58,832 Because I look so much like that guy! 464 00:18:58,832 --> 00:19:00,878 [Sigh] He's your uncle. 465 00:19:00,878 --> 00:19:03,228 My brother, Paulie - the brainiac. 466 00:19:03,228 --> 00:19:05,187 You have a brother? 467 00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:06,884 Why'd you keep him a secret from us? 468 00:19:06,884 --> 00:19:09,060 Your father put him through Harvard, 469 00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:11,193 but when he found out what Pop did for a livin', 470 00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:13,499 Paulie ratted him out on a two-bit gamblin' thing. 471 00:19:13,499 --> 00:19:15,501 Pop did a year in Attica. 472 00:19:15,501 --> 00:19:18,243 Oh, so obviously Paulie's dead now. 473 00:19:18,243 --> 00:19:19,984 Jimmy let it slide 474 00:19:19,984 --> 00:19:21,855 as long as we never spoke of Paulie again. 475 00:19:21,855 --> 00:19:24,902 YOU are definitely your father's son... 476 00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:27,165 Mainly because you're both dopes - 477 00:19:27,165 --> 00:19:30,081 and 'cause Paulie got picked up exposin' himself on the subway. 478 00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:32,083 What a sicko, gettin' naked in public. 479 00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:33,780 Weren't you once a stripper? 480 00:19:33,780 --> 00:19:35,521 That was for money, 481 00:19:35,521 --> 00:19:36,957 which is socially acceptable. 482 00:19:38,829 --> 00:19:40,831 I told ya the script needed work! 483 00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,920 We shoulda hired David Mamet. 484 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,096 And have the horse sayin' [bleep] and [bleep] 485 00:19:45,096 --> 00:19:46,532 all over the stage? 486 00:19:46,532 --> 00:19:48,099 No thanks! 487 00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:49,666 We gotta retool. 488 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:52,364 Maybe do out-of-town previews? 489 00:19:52,364 --> 00:19:54,888 Bottom line is the horse is done. 490 00:19:54,888 --> 00:19:57,500 I'm replacin' him with Nathan Lane. 491 00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,459 Obviously, A Pantomime Horse, your time is up. 492 00:20:00,459 --> 00:20:03,157 It's gonna be horse steaks tonight, boys! 493 00:20:05,290 --> 00:20:08,162 So this is how it ends.To be fair... 494 00:20:08,162 --> 00:20:10,556 I knew we were dead after Rex Reed's review. 495 00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:13,342 McCool! Where ya been?! 496 00:20:13,342 --> 00:20:14,908 Not trying to get tickets for this debacle, 497 00:20:14,908 --> 00:20:16,345 I'll tell you that. 498 00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:18,564 But thank the Northern Lights you're still alive! 499 00:20:18,564 --> 00:20:20,914 We won't be for long if you don't get us outta here. 500 00:20:20,914 --> 00:20:22,960 Boys, I owe you an apology. 501 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,962 This escapade was clearly the result 502 00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:26,920 of my trying to prove I was fun. 503 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,618 We owe you an apology! 504 00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:30,402 You're a freakin' wild man! 505 00:20:30,402 --> 00:20:33,536 Yeah, this is the best time I've had in years! 506 00:20:33,536 --> 00:20:36,321 'Course I can't remember that many years - but still. 507 00:20:36,321 --> 00:20:37,931 Thank you, gentlemen. 508 00:20:37,931 --> 00:20:39,759 That means a lot coming from you. 509 00:20:39,759 --> 00:20:41,718 Alright, let's mop up the circle jerk, 510 00:20:41,718 --> 00:20:43,502 'cause we're in big trouble! 511 00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:46,375 Buck up, boys! 512 00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:48,115 We're going back to Canada. 513 00:20:48,115 --> 00:20:49,987 Yeah, in a pine box. 514 00:20:49,987 --> 00:20:52,511 No, the same way we came... 515 00:20:52,511 --> 00:20:55,297 On the backs of Prancing Mounties! 516 00:20:57,647 --> 00:21:00,040 I'm scared, Jimmy.Me too. 517 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,042 Who knows where we could wind up? 518 00:21:07,831 --> 00:21:09,180 I'm on it! 519 00:21:17,231 --> 00:21:19,059 [Groan] 520 00:21:20,234 --> 00:21:22,541 [Gasp] We're home! We did it! 521 00:21:24,021 --> 00:21:25,370 We dib id! 522 00:21:26,545 --> 00:21:28,155 Where ya been, Pop? 523 00:21:28,155 --> 00:21:29,853 I got drunk, dressed as a horse, 524 00:21:29,853 --> 00:21:31,811 ran for my life - ya know, weekend stuff. 525 00:21:31,811 --> 00:21:34,031 I did some stupid stuff, too. 526 00:21:34,031 --> 00:21:35,598 Ya know what they say, Petey - 527 00:21:35,598 --> 00:21:38,296 If you like my father, then you'll like my son. 528 00:21:38,296 --> 00:21:39,993 That's not at all what they say. 529 00:21:39,993 --> 00:21:41,255 Whatever. 530 00:21:41,255 --> 00:21:43,040 You're the one with the brains. 531 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,911 [Sniff] Do I smell smoke? 532 00:21:46,086 --> 00:21:47,479 It's probably Petey! 533 00:21:47,479 --> 00:21:49,394 What's wrong with you?! 534 00:21:49,394 --> 00:21:51,353 Don'tcha know smokin'll kill ya! 535 00:21:52,528 --> 00:21:54,617 Alright. See ya later, Broadway. 536 00:21:54,617 --> 00:21:56,488 And not a word of this to anyone, Jimmy. 537 00:21:56,488 --> 00:21:58,490 For Canada, where - 538 00:21:58,490 --> 00:21:59,883 Blaaaargh!