1
00:00:01,609 --> 00:00:03,133
How ya doin'?

2
00:00:03,133 --> 00:00:04,786
As a former gangster,

3
00:00:04,786 --> 00:00:06,919
I might not have lived
a completely moral life,

4
00:00:06,919 --> 00:00:08,442
but I did some good things, too,
like the time I -

5
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,444
McCOOL: Excuse me, Jimmy,
you can't park here.

6
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,664
Hoh!
Get that thing outta my face!

7
00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:14,231
What's with you, anyway?

8
00:00:14,231 --> 00:00:15,971
I was gettin' used to
seein' ya without

9
00:00:15,971 --> 00:00:17,538
a billy club in your pants.

10
00:00:17,538 --> 00:00:18,887
Now the ol'
attention hog's back?

11
00:00:18,887 --> 00:00:19,975
What gives?

12
00:00:19,975 --> 00:00:21,890
Allow me
to explain.

13
00:00:21,890 --> 00:00:23,414
♪ ["Fugget About It" theme]

14
00:00:23,414 --> 00:00:24,980
McCOOL:
♪ Let me tell you something

15
00:00:24,980 --> 00:00:26,721
♪ of myself without a doubt

16
00:00:26,721 --> 00:00:29,681
♪ The best cop around who liked
to "let it all hang out" ♪

17
00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:32,684
♪ When my bosses said
I had to put on underwear, ♪

18
00:00:32,684 --> 00:00:34,120
♪ I tried to take it off,

19
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,817
♪ but they said,
"Oh, don't you dare!" ♪

20
00:00:35,817 --> 00:00:38,472
♪ Wasn't very long before
it wound up in the courts ♪

21
00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:40,039
♪ The judge said,
"No, man, ♪

22
00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:41,823
♪ you don't have to
wear those shorts!" ♪

23
00:00:41,823 --> 00:00:44,696
♪ So I won the case because
there are no precedents ♪

24
00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:47,351
♪ for a servant of the Crown
to put on his underpants! ♪

25
00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:48,874
♪ Fugget About It!

26
00:00:48,874 --> 00:00:50,528
♪ Fugget About It! ♪

27
00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:53,226
♪ Fugget About It!
Hey, fugget about underpants! ♪

28
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,011
Lemme get this straight.

29
00:00:56,011 --> 00:00:58,231
You sued for the right
not to wear a banana hammock?

30
00:00:58,231 --> 00:01:00,668
I need to be free, Jimmy.

31
00:01:00,668 --> 00:01:01,974
The justice system
is broken.

32
00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:03,671
I think it's just fine.

33
00:01:03,671 --> 00:01:06,544
Heck, McCool, if you didn't
wanna wear any clothes at all,

34
00:01:06,544 --> 00:01:08,285
I'd have no problem
with it.

35
00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:09,851
[Chuckle]

36
00:01:09,851 --> 00:01:12,071
Ya know what bugs me?
That's not how the song goes.

37
00:01:12,071 --> 00:01:13,942
Fugget about it.

38
00:01:13,942 --> 00:01:16,467
♪ Fugget about it!
Oh, fugget about it! ♪

39
00:01:20,253 --> 00:01:22,168
Pop, why'd you
drag me out here?

40
00:01:22,168 --> 00:01:23,735
I despise hunting.

41
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,215
Ya gotta toughen up, kid.

42
00:01:25,215 --> 00:01:26,955
No more cryin' over dead mice.

43
00:01:26,955 --> 00:01:29,306
...That you stomped on
in the garage.

44
00:01:29,306 --> 00:01:30,959
Is that any reason to
make me sit through

45
00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:32,439
a three-hour
mouse funeral?

46
00:01:32,439 --> 00:01:33,832
Oh, that reminds me.

47
00:01:35,616 --> 00:01:38,358
You're free now,
Mr. Whiskers.

48
00:01:38,358 --> 00:01:39,272
[Sigh]

49
00:01:42,623 --> 00:01:43,972
What the hell was that?

50
00:01:51,197 --> 00:01:53,068
Sorry, fella,
my kid dropped his gun.

51
00:01:53,068 --> 00:01:55,854
Well, be more careful,
ya wombat licker!

52
00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:57,421
Oh!
I said sorry!

53
00:01:57,421 --> 00:01:58,987
What do ya want,
a note and some flowers?

54
00:01:58,987 --> 00:02:03,078
No, I want you wank-stains
to bugger off somewhere else!

55
00:02:03,078 --> 00:02:05,690
How 'bout I "wank-stain"
all over your face?

56
00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:07,387
No, how 'bout
I bugger you -

57
00:02:07,387 --> 00:02:09,868
No, how 'bout -
I will punch you.

58
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:11,478
That's enough,
gentlemen!

59
00:02:11,478 --> 00:02:13,088
No need to escalate beyond

60
00:02:13,088 --> 00:02:15,439
Australian insults
and Scottish machismo.

61
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:18,181
Be on your way,
my Commonwealth compatriot.

62
00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:20,183
Jimmy, I need a word.

63
00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:22,489
Lucky your boyfriend
stepped in.

64
00:02:22,489 --> 00:02:25,144
No, YOU'RE lucky
my boyfriend stepped in-

65
00:02:25,144 --> 00:02:26,885
Oh [bleep], Jimmy,
just stop.

66
00:02:26,885 --> 00:02:28,930
Jimmy, what did
I tell you to do

67
00:02:28,930 --> 00:02:30,671
before embarking
on this trip?

68
00:02:30,671 --> 00:02:32,630
Go pee pee before
the long drive?

69
00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:34,458
No, the other thing!

70
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:37,417
A cursory search of
the Fish and Wildlife database

71
00:02:37,417 --> 00:02:40,159
tells me you did not obtain
a hunting license!

72
00:02:40,159 --> 00:02:41,856
Hold it right there,
McCool...

73
00:02:41,856 --> 00:02:43,858
What does "cursory" mean?

74
00:02:43,858 --> 00:02:47,253
As of now, this hunting
excursion is officially over.

75
00:02:47,253 --> 00:02:48,559
Yay!

76
00:02:48,559 --> 00:02:50,343
Hear that,
woodland creatures?

77
00:02:50,343 --> 00:02:52,127
The nightmare is ended!

78
00:02:52,127 --> 00:02:55,479
The forest is yours
once again!

79
00:02:55,479 --> 00:03:00,005
♪ [Cheery instrumental]

80
00:03:00,005 --> 00:03:04,705
♪ [Cheery instrumental]

81
00:03:04,705 --> 00:03:07,360
I guess makin' a man outta Petey
is off the freakin' table.

82
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,279
Why didn't you
go huntin', Cheech?

83
00:03:13,279 --> 00:03:15,063
'Cause starin'
down a rifle

84
00:03:15,063 --> 00:03:17,240
at one of God's
majestic creatures

85
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,938
ain't my idea
of fun...

86
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:21,374
I like to get in close
with a blade.

87
00:03:21,374 --> 00:03:24,203
By the way,
nice fur, miss.

88
00:03:24,203 --> 00:03:26,336
Cookie was gonna throw this out,
can you believe it?

89
00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:31,863
♪ [Sexy R&B]

90
00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:36,259
♪ [Sexy R&B]

91
00:03:36,259 --> 00:03:37,651
Marone!

92
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:40,088
That's the most gorgeous
broad I ever seen -

93
00:03:40,088 --> 00:03:41,612
and I once met Prince!

94
00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:43,831
I don't know if
she's your type.

95
00:03:43,831 --> 00:03:46,138
What, ya think I'm
prejudiced or somethin'?

96
00:03:46,138 --> 00:03:47,574
I'll bang any
kinda broad!

97
00:03:47,574 --> 00:03:49,010
No, look!

98
00:03:49,010 --> 00:03:50,490
She can't see -

99
00:03:50,490 --> 00:03:52,144
which might help ya.

100
00:03:52,144 --> 00:03:53,885
I've dated a blind.

101
00:03:53,885 --> 00:03:55,539
They're terrible drivers

102
00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:57,497
and they never
compliment your outfit.

103
00:03:57,497 --> 00:03:59,456
Only outfit
I'm wearin' for her

104
00:03:59,456 --> 00:04:01,762
are tube socks
and a smile.

105
00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:05,810
[Cough]
I'm choking!

106
00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:08,508
[Cough]
Woof! Woof! Woof!

107
00:04:08,508 --> 00:04:10,423
Oh, poor boy.

108
00:04:10,423 --> 00:04:12,599
Did someone leave you
all alone at the mall?

109
00:04:12,599 --> 00:04:14,166
Woof!
[Grunt]

110
00:04:14,166 --> 00:04:16,081
I think someone
wants a tummy rub!

111
00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:20,868
Let's scram before his
little lipstick pops out.

112
00:04:20,868 --> 00:04:22,653
[Cheech
grunts]And there
it is.

113
00:04:23,828 --> 00:04:25,395
Who the hell asked you

114
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,005
to come up here
and be my babysitter?

115
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:29,137
All you had to do
was go online,

116
00:04:29,137 --> 00:04:31,923
fill out an SK106294
application,

117
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:33,838
wait the seven day
processing period,

118
00:04:33,838 --> 00:04:36,362
go to your local
Service Saskatchewan kiosk,

119
00:04:36,362 --> 00:04:38,625
pay the thirty dollar fee -
cash only -

120
00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:40,888
and pick up
a hunting license!

121
00:04:40,888 --> 00:04:43,064
But did you?
No!

122
00:04:43,064 --> 00:04:44,457
And nothing
could be simpler!

123
00:04:44,457 --> 00:04:45,806
Uh, McCool?

124
00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:48,983
What are you doing?

125
00:04:48,983 --> 00:04:51,421
Felling trees here
is against the law!

126
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:54,554
Must you do something reckless
every time I turn my back?

127
00:04:54,554 --> 00:04:56,643
No - Sometimes when
ya turn your back,

128
00:04:56,643 --> 00:04:58,297
I hang signs on it.

129
00:04:58,297 --> 00:04:59,951
Oh very funny,
Jimmy.

130
00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:01,039
[Gunshot]

131
00:05:01,039 --> 00:05:02,693
Stop that!
It's off, okay?!

132
00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:03,607
[Giggle]

133
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,614
[Animal growl]

134
00:05:10,614 --> 00:05:12,572
Hey, they have
a wild animal in there.

135
00:05:12,572 --> 00:05:14,182
That's not right!

136
00:05:14,182 --> 00:05:16,359
I've got a license
for it, ya tit!

137
00:05:17,490 --> 00:05:20,624
A live animal removal permit...

138
00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:23,714
See, Jimmy, this is how
you follow the rules!

139
00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:26,151
You must have some serious
connections in government to -

140
00:05:26,151 --> 00:05:28,545
Oy!
What are you doin'?!

141
00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:30,111
Don't worry,
gentle friend,

142
00:05:30,111 --> 00:05:32,113
you can run free now.

143
00:05:32,113 --> 00:05:35,029
[Frightened shrieking]

144
00:05:36,944 --> 00:05:39,773
[Shocked stammering]
I don't know what came over me,

145
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,819
I was so terrified...

146
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,037
I hope I didn't hurt anyth-

147
00:05:45,475 --> 00:05:46,389
[Gasp]

148
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,526
What have I done?!

149
00:05:54,832 --> 00:05:55,789
Oh, thank God.

150
00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:01,012
[Gasp]On the bright side,

151
00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:02,796
you're a man now, son.

152
00:06:04,145 --> 00:06:06,191
What's this about you
ditchin' the girls

153
00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:08,106
to pick up
some blind broad?

154
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:10,369
I didn't pick her up.
She adopted me.

155
00:06:12,066 --> 00:06:14,025
What the hell
is that?

156
00:06:14,025 --> 00:06:15,679
It's my harness,
Cook.

157
00:06:15,679 --> 00:06:17,071
I'm a seein'
eye helper.

158
00:06:17,071 --> 00:06:18,377
Ya mean dog?

159
00:06:18,377 --> 00:06:19,857
If ya wanna put
a label on it.

160
00:06:19,857 --> 00:06:21,424
I know bein' a dog

161
00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:23,121
is a helluva step up for you,

162
00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:25,515
but you gotta tell
this woman the truth!

163
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:28,300
And break the bond
of trust between us?

164
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,736
I'll never get her
in the sack!

165
00:06:29,736 --> 00:06:31,825
She's blind,

166
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:34,219
but she's not gonna
screw a dog!

167
00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:36,700
No, but maybe she'll
make love to one.

168
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,789
Now 'scuse me.
I gotta get a flea collar.

169
00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:41,531
Those work on
crabs, right?

170
00:06:44,447 --> 00:06:46,231
That was some
good shootin', son.

171
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:48,363
I'm gonna be
sick again...

172
00:06:48,363 --> 00:06:50,844
[Puking]

173
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,194
I puked after my first
mass murder, too.

174
00:06:53,194 --> 00:06:54,848
It gets easier.

175
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,371
I'm so ashamed.

176
00:06:56,371 --> 00:06:58,199
Hunting is
nothing more than

177
00:06:58,199 --> 00:07:00,419
recreational
murder.

178
00:07:00,419 --> 00:07:03,683
Petey, God put animals on
earth for us to hunt, eat,

179
00:07:03,683 --> 00:07:05,729
and throw peanuts at
when we go to the zoo.

180
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:08,471
No, they're thinking, feeling,
sentient creatures,

181
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:09,950
just like you and me -

182
00:07:09,950 --> 00:07:12,213
Well, me.

183
00:07:12,213 --> 00:07:14,389
[Monstrous growl]

184
00:07:14,389 --> 00:07:16,043
MYSTERY VOICE:
I agree with the boy.

185
00:07:16,043 --> 00:07:19,133
[Both scream]

186
00:07:19,133 --> 00:07:21,048
[Screaming]

187
00:07:21,048 --> 00:07:23,486
[Empty rifle clicking]

188
00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:25,966
I think it's
empty, sir.

189
00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:29,100
[Scream]

190
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:31,145
Why do people keep
running away from me?

191
00:07:31,145 --> 00:07:34,061
Maybe 'cause ya hitch rides
without askin', or...

192
00:07:34,061 --> 00:07:35,976
'cause you're
eight feet tall

193
00:07:35,976 --> 00:07:37,848
and smell like
a biker's armpit!

194
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:40,024
I think that smell
is all you.

195
00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:41,460
[Sniff]
Oh, sorry.

196
00:07:44,724 --> 00:07:47,205
I don't know what your game is,
ya sonofabitch,

197
00:07:47,205 --> 00:07:49,512
but you stay away
from my girl.

198
00:07:52,645 --> 00:07:55,474
[Sasquatch loudly chowing down]

199
00:07:55,474 --> 00:07:58,172
[Sasquatch loudly chowing down]

200
00:07:58,172 --> 00:08:00,044
Boy, you're
a hungry fella!

201
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:01,785
Mmm!

202
00:08:01,785 --> 00:08:03,961
This is the best thing I ever
crammed down my food-hole!

203
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:05,832
[Chuckle]
Oh, stop.

204
00:08:05,832 --> 00:08:08,052
Sorry about trying
to shoot you.

205
00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:10,533
It's okay.
People shoot at us all the time.

206
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,230
We think of it as a game...

207
00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:14,232
[Gulp]
...that you can die from.

208
00:08:14,232 --> 00:08:15,799
[Gulp]
But I forgive you.

209
00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:17,322
This guy!

210
00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:19,803
He's so forgivin',
like a big hairy Jesus!

211
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:22,545
Unlike Jesus,
this guy isn't imaginary.

212
00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:24,416
Why are you in the prairies?

213
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:26,070
I don't know!

214
00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:28,942
One minute I'm enjoying a nice
mushroom snack in the forest,

215
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:31,466
next thing ya know
I wake up in a farmer's field

216
00:08:31,466 --> 00:08:34,121
next to a very
happy-looking pig -

217
00:08:34,121 --> 00:08:36,515
and for some reason
my penis was really sore.

218
00:08:38,038 --> 00:08:40,693
Plus those hunters have been
chasin' me since BC.

219
00:08:40,693 --> 00:08:42,782
You been around
since before Christ?

220
00:08:42,782 --> 00:08:44,349
Settle an argument -

221
00:08:44,349 --> 00:08:45,829
Jesus was real,
wasn't he?

222
00:08:45,829 --> 00:08:47,439
And white?

223
00:08:47,439 --> 00:08:49,920
Yeah, and from
British Columbia.

224
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,617
Those hunters want to
take me to a place

225
00:08:51,617 --> 00:08:53,706
where millionaires
can hunt me for sport.

226
00:08:53,706 --> 00:08:55,186
I dunno what
millionaires are,

227
00:08:55,186 --> 00:08:56,970
but they sound
like dicks.

228
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,407
I know how ya feel.
I was hunted once, too.

229
00:08:59,407 --> 00:09:02,106
'Til he ran cryin' to the Feds
and wound up here.

230
00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:03,890
What's a Fed?McCOOL:
Jimmy?

231
00:09:03,890 --> 00:09:05,675
You're about to meet one.

232
00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:08,199
Jimmy, I feel terrible
about my tirade, so -

233
00:09:08,199 --> 00:09:10,331
Sweet Burton Cummings!

234
00:09:10,331 --> 00:09:11,985
Hey, a Mountie!

235
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,466
Sometimes they chase me
in helicopters.

236
00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:16,555
Jimmy...
A word?

237
00:09:16,555 --> 00:09:18,252
How do you manage it,
Jimmy, how?

238
00:09:18,252 --> 00:09:19,645
Manage what?

239
00:09:19,645 --> 00:09:22,430
To consistently put your
own well-being in danger.

240
00:09:22,430 --> 00:09:25,259
There is a bona fide
mythical creature

241
00:09:25,259 --> 00:09:27,131
cramming lasagna
into his food-hole

242
00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:28,828
at your
dining room table!

243
00:09:28,828 --> 00:09:31,744
So? He's not dangerous.
He's a sweetheart!

244
00:09:31,744 --> 00:09:34,312
It's people like you
who give Bigfeet a bad name.

245
00:09:34,312 --> 00:09:36,967
SASQUATCH: The term "Bigfoot"
is actually kinda racist.

246
00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:38,664
You know, just sayin'.

247
00:09:38,664 --> 00:09:40,753
What's next, is the Loch Ness
monster going to

248
00:09:40,753 --> 00:09:42,799
emerge from your
toilet for a tea party?

249
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:45,105
Will a flying saucer
land in your backyard

250
00:09:45,105 --> 00:09:47,281
piloted by Jimmy Hoffa?

251
00:09:47,281 --> 00:09:49,762
Hoffa ain't on no flyin' saucer,
I'll tell ya that much.

252
00:09:49,762 --> 00:09:51,895
That creature is
a veritable magnet

253
00:09:51,895 --> 00:09:53,461
for the world's
press!

254
00:09:53,461 --> 00:09:54,985
If word gets out
about him,

255
00:09:54,985 --> 00:09:56,595
every reporter
on the planet

256
00:09:56,595 --> 00:09:59,163
will show up
outside your door!

257
00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:01,295
Ooh, that ain't good.Exactly!

258
00:10:01,295 --> 00:10:03,254
So until I figure
out what to do,

259
00:10:03,254 --> 00:10:04,647
keep that beast
in the house.

260
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:06,474
Is that clear?

261
00:10:06,474 --> 00:10:08,302
Crystal.
Gina, you're grounded!

262
00:10:08,302 --> 00:10:10,304
No!Oh right,
the Bigfoot.

263
00:10:11,392 --> 00:10:13,438
For Canada,
where...

264
00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,266
A Sasquatch,
Jimmy, really?!

265
00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:18,399
[Crack]

266
00:10:18,399 --> 00:10:21,228
What's this about me being
[bleep]ing grounded?

267
00:10:23,274 --> 00:10:25,624
Here's some rib-eye,
big fella!

268
00:10:25,624 --> 00:10:28,018
Roof!
[Gobbling food]

269
00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:29,367
I'm going to
take a bath.

270
00:10:32,805 --> 00:10:35,199
Hey, get on outta here!

271
00:10:35,199 --> 00:10:37,070
[Sad dog grunt]

272
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,420
You're a bad, bad boy.

273
00:10:39,420 --> 00:10:42,075
Don't make me get
a rolled-up newspaper!

274
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,598
[Bleep]!
Yow!

275
00:10:43,598 --> 00:10:45,165
Uh -
[Dog whimper]

276
00:10:45,165 --> 00:10:46,471
Oh no!

277
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:48,299
Did I get you with the door?

278
00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:49,822
Come here, baby.

279
00:10:49,822 --> 00:10:51,476
Don't worry.

280
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,434
We'll take you to the vet
and get you checked out...

281
00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:56,089
...and maybe
neutered.Ruh?

282
00:10:58,613 --> 00:11:00,746
Why can't I go outside?

283
00:11:00,746 --> 00:11:03,488
Father Sun's awake,
Mother Moon's asleep,

284
00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:06,317
and Brother Sasquatch
needs to drop a coil.

285
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:08,014
It's dangerous out there.

286
00:11:08,014 --> 00:11:09,886
'Sides, you've seen
the great outdoors.

287
00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:12,149
Why not experience
the great indoors?

288
00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:13,933
That's not a thing, silly.

289
00:11:13,933 --> 00:11:15,543
You made that up.

290
00:11:15,543 --> 00:11:16,936
What are ya talkin' about?

291
00:11:16,936 --> 00:11:19,069
Ya got TV, the internet,
video games.

292
00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:20,592
Is that all humans do?

293
00:11:20,592 --> 00:11:22,202
Sit around lookin' at screens?

294
00:11:23,464 --> 00:11:25,466
No, they also masturbate
to those screens...

295
00:11:25,466 --> 00:11:27,468
and order in food.

296
00:11:27,468 --> 00:11:29,819
Some folks live rich
and fulfillin' lives

297
00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:31,821
and never leave the house.

298
00:11:31,821 --> 00:11:33,605
Like who?Americans.

299
00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:35,868
Greatest people on Earth.
And the heaviest.

300
00:11:35,868 --> 00:11:37,696
Here's the remote.
I'll get ya a bowl of chips.

301
00:11:39,829 --> 00:11:40,960
[Crash]

302
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,832
Salt n' Vinegar or Ketchup?
Dammit!

303
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:46,226
One episode of Breakin' Bad

304
00:11:46,226 --> 00:11:47,750
and he'da never
left that chair.

305
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,709
[Frantic quacks]

306
00:11:53,277 --> 00:11:57,368
[♪♪♪]

307
00:11:59,457 --> 00:12:01,502
[Sighs]

308
00:12:03,635 --> 00:12:05,071
[Barks]

309
00:12:05,071 --> 00:12:06,464
[Whines]

310
00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:08,161
[Both scream]

311
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:11,643
[♪♪♪]

312
00:12:11,643 --> 00:12:15,168
[Loud vacuuming]

313
00:12:19,259 --> 00:12:24,134
[♪♪♪]

314
00:12:27,964 --> 00:12:29,487
Hey, Jimmy!

315
00:12:29,487 --> 00:12:31,619
You see the leg room
in this thing.

316
00:12:31,619 --> 00:12:34,274
What are ya doin'?
You're supposed to be at home.

317
00:12:34,274 --> 00:12:36,320
I can't
sit around all day.

318
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,453
TV's boring,
video games are confusing,

319
00:12:39,453 --> 00:12:41,760
and the internet keeps tryin'
to sell me boner pills.

320
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,762
And between you and me,

321
00:12:43,762 --> 00:12:45,764
I'm also kinda terrified
of the vacuum cleaner.

322
00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:47,461
Look, back where
you come from,

323
00:12:47,461 --> 00:12:48,941
what would the other
Bigfoots do

324
00:12:48,941 --> 00:12:50,551
if ya let humans
know ya exist?

325
00:12:50,551 --> 00:12:54,077
Oh, their vengeance would be
swift and merciless.

326
00:12:54,077 --> 00:12:56,079
They'd take away
my berries.

327
00:12:57,820 --> 00:12:59,952
We're gentle
creatures at heart.

328
00:12:59,952 --> 00:13:03,347
Okay, I'm in a situation where
if people found out about me,

329
00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:05,262
they'd let me keep my berries,

330
00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:06,916
but they'd probably
remove my nuts...

331
00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:08,395
and then feed 'em to me.

332
00:13:08,395 --> 00:13:10,920
That's... confusing.

333
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,443
I need ya to blend.

334
00:13:12,443 --> 00:13:14,619
If people come lookin' for you,
they might find me -

335
00:13:14,619 --> 00:13:17,187
and then I'm chokin' on
a mouthful of my own nuts.

336
00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:20,190
I don't get it...
Oh, you mean balls!

337
00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:21,931
Bingo.
Let's go home.

338
00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:23,367
Okay, I'll drive.

339
00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:31,505
The same thing kept happening
in Grand Theft Auto!

340
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:36,075
[Barks]

341
00:13:36,075 --> 00:13:38,077
[Growls]

342
00:13:38,077 --> 00:13:39,600
It's hard on my knees,

343
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,254
my hands are
gettin' calloused.

344
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,777
But the real problem is

345
00:13:42,777 --> 00:13:44,954
I'm carryin' a lotta
tension in my shoulders.

346
00:13:44,954 --> 00:13:46,564
Oh, and if ya let on
that I'm not a dog,

347
00:13:46,564 --> 00:13:48,305
I'll break your legs.

348
00:13:48,305 --> 00:13:49,741
I'm tryin' to nail
this broad.

349
00:13:49,741 --> 00:13:51,090
[Laughs]

350
00:13:51,090 --> 00:13:52,787
So can ya gimme somethin'
for my shoulders?

351
00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:57,531
How's my boy doin'?

352
00:13:57,531 --> 00:13:59,620
He's just fine, Ma'am.

353
00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:02,580
In fact, if it was me,
I'd have sex with this animal.

354
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,060
Of course,
that's just me.

355
00:14:06,584 --> 00:14:09,587
There's reports of
a hairy man stalking the city

356
00:14:09,587 --> 00:14:11,502
and a 600 percent rise

357
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:13,591
in dog disappearances.

358
00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:16,202
I'm doin' my best,
but the guy don't listen!

359
00:14:16,202 --> 00:14:17,725
Remind you
of someone?

360
00:14:17,725 --> 00:14:20,032
Yeah, he's almost
as bad as Cheech.

361
00:14:20,032 --> 00:14:22,600
I checked the protocols
for animal handling

362
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,080
and couldn't find
anything related

363
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,472
to Cryptosimius
Giganteus.

364
00:14:25,472 --> 00:14:27,083
Leave your wang
out of this.

365
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:28,998
I'm talking about
your furry friend!

366
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:30,434
Leave my wang
out of this!

367
00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:31,957
Focus, Jimmy!

368
00:14:31,957 --> 00:14:33,480
We're simply
going to have to

369
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,526
drive Sasquatch
back to his home.

370
00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:38,094
Hopefully, my animal trailer
requisition goes through.

371
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:39,834
I lied on the form.

372
00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:42,576
I circled "other" where it
asks what type of animal.

373
00:14:42,576 --> 00:14:44,187
That's not
really a lie.

374
00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:46,537
But it's not
specific, Jimmy!

375
00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:48,104
That's tantamount
to lying!

376
00:14:52,412 --> 00:14:53,631
[Grunts]

377
00:14:53,631 --> 00:14:55,459
[Screams]

378
00:14:55,459 --> 00:14:57,417
[Girlish scream]

379
00:14:57,417 --> 00:14:59,028
What the hell
are ya doin' here?

380
00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:00,768
I was gonna
apply for a job.

381
00:15:00,768 --> 00:15:02,248
What better way to blend in

382
00:15:02,248 --> 00:15:05,251
than by becoming
a faceless office drone?

383
00:15:05,251 --> 00:15:07,036
I did up a resume
and everything.

384
00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:08,602
Nice font.

385
00:15:08,602 --> 00:15:10,039
But that outfit ain't
gonna fool anyone.

386
00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:11,344
C'mon I'll buy ya lunch.

387
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:12,737
But I brought mine.

388
00:15:15,392 --> 00:15:18,308
CHEECH: Look at her.
She's so beautiful.

389
00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:21,528
Maybe we got a shot -
not as dog and owner,

390
00:15:21,528 --> 00:15:24,879
but as man
and smokin' hot chick.

391
00:15:24,879 --> 00:15:27,056
I gotta end this
before it gets weird.

392
00:15:27,056 --> 00:15:28,448
Finished, boy?

393
00:15:28,448 --> 00:15:30,059
[Grunts and farts]

394
00:15:33,192 --> 00:15:34,759
I'm sorry pal,
but McCool's sendin' ya back

395
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:36,500
to Columbus Brittanica.

396
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,502
This isn't fair.

397
00:15:38,502 --> 00:15:41,809
I'm just startin' to live
like a real human person.

398
00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:45,422
No outside food.

399
00:15:45,422 --> 00:15:46,858
Here, try this.

400
00:15:46,858 --> 00:15:48,468
It makes life's
disappointments

401
00:15:48,468 --> 00:15:50,035
a little easier
to take.

402
00:15:50,035 --> 00:15:51,471
It also leads to Cookie
gettin' pregnant.

403
00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:56,259
Wow, that waitress
just got really attractive.

404
00:16:00,567 --> 00:16:03,222
I love you, Jimmy.

405
00:16:03,222 --> 00:16:05,268
You're my best friend.

406
00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:07,009
That's the beer talkin'.

407
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:10,316
I think those two jerks
at the bar wanna fight me.

408
00:16:10,316 --> 00:16:12,144
What'd you say
about my mother?

409
00:16:15,452 --> 00:16:16,975
Whoa!
Take it easy!

410
00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:19,108
And what's that hairy
guy pointin' at, huh?

411
00:16:19,108 --> 00:16:21,936
Screw you, fella.

412
00:16:21,936 --> 00:16:25,592
Nobody understands me!

413
00:16:25,592 --> 00:16:27,203
[Roars]

414
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:30,423
[Bar getting smashed,
patrons screaming]

415
00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:32,730
[Roars]

416
00:16:32,730 --> 00:16:36,647
[Growls]

417
00:16:36,647 --> 00:16:38,997
[Roars and loud crashes]

418
00:16:38,997 --> 00:16:40,738
Oh, screw it.

419
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:43,915
[Roars]

420
00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:50,226
Toby, get up!

421
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:52,228
The city is going to [bleep]
and you're just lying around?

422
00:16:55,535 --> 00:16:58,495
He went on a rampage
from one beer?

423
00:16:58,495 --> 00:17:01,889
Lucky ya didn't order a pitcher,
ya'd be dead right now.

424
00:17:01,889 --> 00:17:04,588
It's not funny, Cook.
I'm worried about the guy!

425
00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:06,068
What if he gets
shot by the cops,

426
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:07,721
only to escape at
the last second,

427
00:17:07,721 --> 00:17:09,332
save a little girl
from a fire,

428
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:12,074
and die as everyone mourns
his essential humanity?

429
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:13,727
What the hell are
you talkin' about?

430
00:17:13,727 --> 00:17:15,903
This is what happens
with monsters!

431
00:17:15,903 --> 00:17:17,731
Don'tcha watch
old movies?

432
00:17:17,731 --> 00:17:19,951
I gotta find him
before he gets killed,

433
00:17:19,951 --> 00:17:22,258
or grabs a blonde and
climbs a building.

434
00:17:26,871 --> 00:17:29,830
[Doorbell]

435
00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:31,310
Evening, Ma'am.

436
00:17:31,310 --> 00:17:34,183
My name's Cheech McDoggy,
I mean McDougal.

437
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:37,838
Have we met?
I feel like I know your voice.

438
00:17:37,838 --> 00:17:40,798
You know my bark,
you know my whimper,

439
00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:43,322
and you're about
to know my truth.

440
00:17:43,322 --> 00:17:45,281
Please don't ask if
I've found Jesus.

441
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:46,630
I can't even
find my shoes.

442
00:17:48,022 --> 00:17:49,502
I gotta level with ya.

443
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:50,982
I been a real heel...

444
00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:52,375
when I was heelin'
at your command.

445
00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:54,594
But I can't live
a lie no more.

446
00:17:54,594 --> 00:17:55,987
Plus my knees
are killin' me.

447
00:17:55,987 --> 00:17:57,510
And the collar chafes.

448
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,990
Tummy rubs are good.

449
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:01,645
And the food!
Fugget about it.

450
00:18:01,645 --> 00:18:03,299
Anyway,
long story short,

451
00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:05,605
I been pretendin'
to be your dog.

452
00:18:07,216 --> 00:18:09,957
[Laughing]

453
00:18:09,957 --> 00:18:14,136
Boy, you kept this up way longer
than I thought you would.

454
00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:15,615
Pardon me?

455
00:18:15,615 --> 00:18:17,487
Of course I know
you're not a dog!

456
00:18:17,487 --> 00:18:19,445
I'm blind,
not stupid.

457
00:18:19,445 --> 00:18:21,099
How many dogs
have a zipper,

458
00:18:21,099 --> 00:18:23,406
and pockets,
with keys in 'em?

459
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:26,148
Slow down, I'm still
figurin' out zipper dogs.

460
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:28,019
And you talk in
your sleep, Cheech.

461
00:18:28,019 --> 00:18:29,673
But thank you,

462
00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:32,458
I haven't had this
much fun in years.

463
00:18:32,458 --> 00:18:34,460
That's great!
I'm a fun guy...

464
00:18:34,460 --> 00:18:36,158
as well as a dog.

465
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:38,029
I was thinkin' maybe
you an' me could -

466
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:39,639
[Door slam]

467
00:18:39,639 --> 00:18:41,859
I guess this is
a bad time to admit

468
00:18:41,859 --> 00:18:43,904
I been stealin'
your panties.

469
00:18:43,904 --> 00:18:45,732
I'm calling the police!

470
00:18:45,732 --> 00:18:47,038
Yipe yipe yipe!

471
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,519
It's out of
our hands, Jimmy.

472
00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:51,173
Animal Control will
take care of

473
00:18:51,173 --> 00:18:53,087
that drunk and
disorderly hairball.

474
00:18:53,087 --> 00:18:54,654
That's what I'm afraid of.

475
00:18:54,654 --> 00:18:56,787
He's gonna wind up
dead or in a lab...

476
00:18:56,787 --> 00:18:58,223
Or dead in a lab

477
00:18:58,223 --> 00:19:00,573
with a pervy scientist
proddin' his butthole.

478
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:02,880
You don't know what
science does, do you?

479
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,361
Help me find him,
then I'll drive him back to D.C.

480
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:07,058
B.C.

481
00:19:07,058 --> 00:19:09,539
[Bleep]in' metric system.
You know what I mean!

482
00:19:09,539 --> 00:19:12,063
C'mon, if it was me,
you'd do the same thing.

483
00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:13,760
Sure, ya'd lecture
me the whole time,

484
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:15,284
but ya'd still do it.

485
00:19:15,284 --> 00:19:17,199
Damn it,
Jimmy, alright!

486
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:18,939
But how can we
find a creature

487
00:19:18,939 --> 00:19:20,811
who's eluded detection
for hundreds of years?

488
00:19:22,334 --> 00:19:24,597
Pop! McCool!What is it, boy?

489
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:27,470
The Australians nabbed
Sasquatch outside our house!

490
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:29,689
I ran out to help him,
but they drove off...

491
00:19:29,689 --> 00:19:31,387
I tried to chase
them on my bike

492
00:19:31,387 --> 00:19:34,216
but I ran over a cat.

493
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,869
Wait.

494
00:19:35,869 --> 00:19:38,481
Those Australians
had a B 624 dash 180

495
00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:40,134
animal removal permit!

496
00:19:40,134 --> 00:19:41,745
Of course!

497
00:19:41,745 --> 00:19:44,008
I have no idea
what that means.

498
00:19:44,008 --> 00:19:47,141
It allows for air transport
of live animals.

499
00:19:47,141 --> 00:19:48,795
My obsessive knowledge

500
00:19:48,795 --> 00:19:51,145
of protocol and procedure
pays off once again!

501
00:19:51,145 --> 00:19:52,016
To the airport!

502
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,106
What to do?

503
00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:57,239
Technically, they're
not breaking the law.

504
00:19:57,239 --> 00:19:59,415
But aren't they
breaking a moral law?

505
00:19:59,415 --> 00:20:01,373
Is it my responsibility,
as a servant of the Crown,

506
00:20:01,373 --> 00:20:03,157
to enforce moral laws?

507
00:20:03,157 --> 00:20:04,898
No, but as a human being,

508
00:20:04,898 --> 00:20:07,031
you have an
ethical imperative!

509
00:20:07,031 --> 00:20:10,034
But are ethics not bound
by a set of subjective values?

510
00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:11,644
There's nothing
subjective

511
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,124
about the rights
of a sentient being!

512
00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:14,604
Back me up, Pop.

513
00:20:14,604 --> 00:20:15,518
Oh no!

514
00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:20,000
Once he's dead,
we'll feed him to the Yeti.

515
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,351
Why wait 'til
he's dead?

516
00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:25,049
For animal rights
everywhere!

517
00:20:28,052 --> 00:20:30,837
How do I stop?
HOW DO I STOP?

518
00:20:32,186 --> 00:20:34,667
Oh my God please stop,
please stop, please stop.

519
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,756
[Dogs barking]

520
00:20:40,194 --> 00:20:42,109
Nooooo!

521
00:20:43,981 --> 00:20:45,809
Cheech?

522
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:48,115
Them guys jumped me
outside our house.

523
00:20:48,115 --> 00:20:49,987
I thought the blind
chick sent 'em.

524
00:20:49,987 --> 00:20:51,641
The Man
They Call Reveen!

525
00:20:51,641 --> 00:20:54,078
If Cheech is here, then
where the devil is Sasquatch?

526
00:20:55,819 --> 00:20:58,038
C'mon lady, which one
pretended to be your dog?

527
00:20:58,038 --> 00:21:00,084
Well let me see...

528
00:21:00,084 --> 00:21:02,565
Oh right,
I can't.

529
00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:04,306
Ya dumb mother[bleep]er.

530
00:21:04,306 --> 00:21:06,656
Yo, dogbreath,
ya made bail.

531
00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:11,313
Wow!
What an adventure.

532
00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:13,445
I got drunk,
I got kidnapped,

533
00:21:13,445 --> 00:21:16,274
and I had sexual
relations with a pig.

534
00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:18,494
That's an average
weekend in Winnipeg.

535
00:21:18,494 --> 00:21:20,496
I also learned that
humans are terrible

536
00:21:20,496 --> 00:21:22,236
and my people should
kill and eat them.

537
00:21:22,236 --> 00:21:23,847
What?Nothing.

538
00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:26,023
Well, McCool,
I learned my lesson.

539
00:21:26,023 --> 00:21:28,373
It warms my heart
to hear you say that.

540
00:21:28,373 --> 00:21:31,245
I hope from now on you'll
try to meet me half way.

541
00:21:31,245 --> 00:21:32,464
Not that!

542
00:21:32,464 --> 00:21:34,031
I mean I went
before we left.

543
00:21:34,031 --> 00:21:35,641
This is a long drive.

544
00:21:35,641 --> 00:21:37,426
I shoulda gone
before we left.

545
00:21:37,426 --> 00:21:39,515
Hey, oh!
Why's the floor wet?

546
00:21:40,994 --> 00:21:43,823
It's nice he went back with
a piece of our culture.

547
00:21:43,823 --> 00:21:47,653
The Sasquatch
population is doomed.

548
00:21:47,653 --> 00:21:50,090
Ah man!
We forgot to get a picture.

549
00:21:50,090 --> 00:21:51,396
Oh God!

550
00:21:53,529 --> 00:21:58,272
♪ [Haunting, mysterious theme]