1
00:00:00,565 --> 00:00:02,219
How y'doin'?

2
00:00:02,219 --> 00:00:03,872
There's two words
that strike terror

3
00:00:03,872 --> 00:00:05,700
in the heart of
any wiseguy.

4
00:00:05,700 --> 00:00:07,702
They represent
the end of freedom

5
00:00:07,702 --> 00:00:09,791
and the start of
a life sentence.

6
00:00:09,791 --> 00:00:11,184
I'm pregnant!

7
00:00:13,273 --> 00:00:14,883
JIMMY:
My life was over.

8
00:00:14,883 --> 00:00:17,538
Ya can be a good father,
or you can be a gooodfella,

9
00:00:17,538 --> 00:00:19,497
but ya can't be both.

10
00:00:19,497 --> 00:00:21,281
Still, I wanted it all.

11
00:00:21,281 --> 00:00:22,674
So I made it work.

12
00:00:25,372 --> 00:00:27,679
[Baby giggling]

13
00:00:27,679 --> 00:00:31,683
♪ [Big band jazz]

14
00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:35,339
♪ [Big band jazz]

15
00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:39,169
♪ [Big band jazz]

16
00:00:41,606 --> 00:00:43,303
Alright, folks,

17
00:00:43,303 --> 00:00:45,305
hit the floor and keep
the cryin' to a minimum.

18
00:00:46,785 --> 00:00:49,004
Anyone moves,
you let me know.

19
00:00:49,004 --> 00:00:53,835
♪ [Big band jazz]

20
00:00:53,835 --> 00:00:58,753
♪ [Big band jazz]

21
00:00:58,753 --> 00:01:01,408
♪ [Intense horror theme]

22
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,063
They moved.

23
00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:05,499
I don't
remember that.

24
00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:07,197
The FBI does.

25
00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:09,547
I spent two years on the most
wanted list for that one.

26
00:01:09,547 --> 00:01:11,636
Anyway,
after that,

27
00:01:11,636 --> 00:01:13,942
I decided to keep work
and kids separate.

28
00:01:13,942 --> 00:01:15,988
After I showed ya
how it's done.

29
00:01:15,988 --> 00:01:18,382
No, 'cause jobs
come and go,

30
00:01:18,382 --> 00:01:20,166
but family's
forever.

31
00:01:20,166 --> 00:01:21,820
Yeah, like herpes.

32
00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:23,343
Ah, herpes ain't forever!

33
00:01:23,343 --> 00:01:24,866
Fugget about it!

34
00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:27,652
♪ Let me tell you something

35
00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,480
♪ 'bout a friend of ours
named Jimmy ♪

36
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,526
♪ Made the Wiseguy
and the Capo with Gambini ♪

37
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,920
♪ When he found out they'd be
whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

38
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,530
♪ he take the boss,

39
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,402
♪ he threw him from
the 19th floor suite ♪

40
00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:41,448
♪ Wasn't much longer
'til the mob want him dead ♪

41
00:01:41,448 --> 00:01:44,756
♪ So Jimmy had no choice
but to talk to all the Feds ♪

42
00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:47,802
♪ The Feds say they have to
take and use him as a pawn ♪

43
00:01:47,802 --> 00:01:50,370
♪ so he ratted out his friends
and moved to Saskatchewan. ♪

44
00:01:50,370 --> 00:01:53,156
♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it!

45
00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:55,854
♪ Fugget about it!
Oh, fugget about it! ♪

46
00:01:56,463 --> 00:01:58,944
♪ [Sexy jazz]

47
00:01:58,944 --> 00:02:00,467
COOKIE:
Jimmy!

48
00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:02,687
JIMMY:
Oh, Cookie...

49
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:04,428
COOKIE:
Oh, Jimmy!

50
00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:06,691
JIMMY:
Oh, Cookie!

51
00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:09,346
Oh God,
would you guys shut up!

52
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:11,696
Just think of other people
and finish already!

53
00:02:11,696 --> 00:02:13,785
Go back to sleep, Theresa!

54
00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:16,179
How can I with
the Golden Age of Porn

55
00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:17,528
knockin' down my wall?

56
00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:21,358
We better be
real quiet.

57
00:02:21,358 --> 00:02:22,881
[Chuckle]

58
00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:24,578
[Smooching]

59
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,406
Yo...

60
00:02:26,406 --> 00:02:28,103
Ya sound like
a walrus and a seal

61
00:02:28,103 --> 00:02:29,714
fightin' over a fish.

62
00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:31,759
Keep it down,
Sea World!

63
00:02:31,759 --> 00:02:33,631
Let's go find somewhere
more private.

64
00:02:33,631 --> 00:02:35,372
Where's my robe?

65
00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:36,982
PETEY:
I just came to say goodni-

66
00:02:38,113 --> 00:02:41,987
[Puking and shouting]

67
00:02:43,249 --> 00:02:44,642
I'm still turned on.

68
00:02:47,949 --> 00:02:49,734
K-Tel Records!

69
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,257
That's a Harvest Moon
if I ever saw one!

70
00:02:52,519 --> 00:02:54,782
For Chrissake, McCool!
What do ya want?

71
00:02:54,782 --> 00:02:56,784
I didn't mean to
interrupt this

72
00:02:56,784 --> 00:02:58,656
nostalgic re-enactment
of prom night, Jimmy.

73
00:02:58,656 --> 00:03:00,310
I'll come back.

74
00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:02,268
Forget it, McCool.
The moment's passed.

75
00:03:02,268 --> 00:03:04,052
What do ya need?For starters, Cookie,

76
00:03:04,052 --> 00:03:06,185
I can't help but notice
your airbags are deployed.

77
00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:07,839
Here, take my jacket.

78
00:03:07,839 --> 00:03:10,145
A colleague of mine is
going away on assignment

79
00:03:10,145 --> 00:03:12,670
and her housesitter backed out
at the last minute.

80
00:03:12,670 --> 00:03:14,715
Thank God
ya came to us!

81
00:03:14,715 --> 00:03:16,804
Really?No, ya jackass!

82
00:03:16,804 --> 00:03:19,111
Who cares about
your friend?I'll do it!

83
00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:21,331
I can't get any sleep
with the walkin' dead here

84
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,941
moanin' all night.

85
00:03:22,941 --> 00:03:25,204
Yes, I got an eyeful
of that outside,

86
00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:27,337
and subsequently
won't eat for a week.

87
00:03:27,337 --> 00:03:29,164
But I think this is a job
for your brother.

88
00:03:29,164 --> 00:03:30,862
That is so unfair!

89
00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:32,559
Just because
Petey's a boy,

90
00:03:32,559 --> 00:03:34,387
ya think he's more
compliment than me.

91
00:03:34,387 --> 00:03:35,997
The word is
"competent."

92
00:03:35,997 --> 00:03:39,131
Oh, so now I'm stupid
because I'm a girl?

93
00:03:39,131 --> 00:03:40,828
Certainly not!

94
00:03:40,828 --> 00:03:43,048
I would never discriminate
on the basis of gender!

95
00:03:43,048 --> 00:03:44,919
And even though I didn't,

96
00:03:44,919 --> 00:03:46,356
I will offer you the job...

97
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:47,879
Just to be safe.

98
00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,359
That's the Canadian way!

99
00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:50,751
THERESA:
Yes!

100
00:03:52,623 --> 00:03:54,320
For Canada,

101
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,888
where equal opportunity
just got a girl

102
00:03:56,888 --> 00:03:58,368
an unpaid internship!

103
00:04:05,418 --> 00:04:08,334
Fifty bucks says she burns
the joint down in an hour.

104
00:04:08,334 --> 00:04:10,293
Gimme forty,
I'll do it right now.

105
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:12,382
Theresa, you have
three priorities

106
00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:14,427
whilst housesitting
for my colleague.

107
00:04:14,427 --> 00:04:16,647
Money up front, no kissin'
back doors extra?

108
00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:20,477
I'm sorry, what?Nothin'.

109
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:22,522
You must keep
the house spotless

110
00:04:22,522 --> 00:04:24,437
and feed the dogs
regularly.

111
00:04:24,437 --> 00:04:25,873
[Dogs snarl
and bark]

112
00:04:25,873 --> 00:04:26,831
[Scream]

113
00:04:28,659 --> 00:04:32,184
[Giggle] They're like
friends who never judge.

114
00:04:32,184 --> 00:04:33,881
And then there's Ziegfried...

115
00:04:33,881 --> 00:04:35,492
Who's Ziegfried?

116
00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:37,581
McCOOL:
Ziegfried is a dwarf alligator -

117
00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:39,278
My friend's pride and joy.

118
00:04:40,453 --> 00:04:42,281
Beware -
He likes to bite.

119
00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:44,283
How'm I supposed
to pick it up?

120
00:04:44,283 --> 00:04:46,633
Very carefully!
[Laugh]

121
00:04:48,548 --> 00:04:51,421
That Gator is the coolest
thing I ever seen.

122
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:52,944
I'm stayin' here,
too.

123
00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:55,729
As am I!"As am I?"

124
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:58,471
No wonder bullies
tape your ass shut.

125
00:04:58,471 --> 00:05:01,213
I don't know if everyone
stayin' over is a good idea.

126
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:03,346
It's a great idea, Cook!

127
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,870
We'll get everybody
outta the house.

128
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:09,221
Besides, Theresa can totally
take care of that creepy lizard!

129
00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:11,658
This 'creepy lizard'
can take care of himself.

130
00:05:11,658 --> 00:05:13,921
Now, who wants to
cook me dinner?

131
00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:20,058
Ya hear that silence?

132
00:05:20,058 --> 00:05:21,668
It's glorious.

133
00:05:21,668 --> 00:05:24,367
No kids houndin' us.

134
00:05:24,367 --> 00:05:27,239
Let's take advantage of this
peace and quiet while we can.

135
00:05:27,239 --> 00:05:28,327
Yeah!

136
00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:30,068
Why hop in the sack right away?

137
00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:32,505
We got alllll night.

138
00:05:32,505 --> 00:05:34,725
Yeah, we're empty-nesters!

139
00:05:34,725 --> 00:05:38,293
I'm gonna go take
a long, hot bubble bath.

140
00:05:38,293 --> 00:05:40,861
Good idea, babe.
I'm gonna catch up on my rea-

141
00:05:40,861 --> 00:05:45,170
[Snoring]

142
00:05:47,955 --> 00:05:51,394
♪ [Humming]

143
00:05:53,831 --> 00:05:58,836
[Clock ticking]

144
00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:03,667
[Clock ticking]

145
00:06:05,451 --> 00:06:10,369
♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

146
00:06:10,369 --> 00:06:15,374
♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

147
00:06:15,374 --> 00:06:20,379
♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

148
00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:25,471
♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

149
00:06:25,471 --> 00:06:30,476
♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

150
00:06:30,476 --> 00:06:35,394
♪ [Grand, sentimental score]

151
00:06:35,394 --> 00:06:37,918
[Clock ticking]

152
00:06:44,577 --> 00:06:46,231
COOKIE:
Jimmy...

153
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:47,928
[Shout]
What?!

154
00:06:47,928 --> 00:06:51,366
♪ [Sexy saxophone jazz]

155
00:06:51,366 --> 00:06:54,892
♪ [Sexy saxophone jazz]

156
00:06:54,892 --> 00:06:56,371
Ya got condoms,
big boy?

157
00:06:56,371 --> 00:06:58,025
Yeah, right here!

158
00:06:58,025 --> 00:07:00,071
I even got the glow-
in-the-dark ones.

159
00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:02,290
Are you nuts?
We need those!

160
00:07:02,290 --> 00:07:05,250
I want you RIGHT NOW, Jimmy.

161
00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:07,644
And ya don't gotta worry
about bein' premature,

162
00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:09,994
'cause I don't mind.

163
00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:11,474
Really?
I can just -

164
00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:13,867
Wait a sec!
I know what this is!

165
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:14,912
[Record scratch]

166
00:07:14,912 --> 00:07:17,392
You want another baby!

167
00:07:17,392 --> 00:07:19,917
What?
Don't be silly.

168
00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:22,354
A baby?
That's bananas.

169
00:07:22,354 --> 00:07:24,748
I just want to make a baby
with my husband-

170
00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:26,445
I mean make
love to a baby-

171
00:07:26,445 --> 00:07:28,142
I mean make
a love baby!

172
00:07:28,142 --> 00:07:30,710
[Sigh] Fine,
if you don't wanna,

173
00:07:30,710 --> 00:07:32,799
maybe it's for the breasts-
I mean breast milk.

174
00:07:32,799 --> 00:07:34,584
I mean -
Ugh, forget it.

175
00:07:37,412 --> 00:07:39,197
You wanna have another baby?!

176
00:07:39,197 --> 00:07:41,416
Are you nuts?
We got four kids already!

177
00:07:41,416 --> 00:07:42,853
We got three!

178
00:07:44,028 --> 00:07:45,682
I'm countin' Cheech!

179
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:48,075
C'mon,
havin' a kid now'd be like

180
00:07:48,075 --> 00:07:50,338
shankin' a guy in the shower
two days before parole.

181
00:07:50,338 --> 00:07:52,689
Boom!
Another 20-year stretch.

182
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:55,561
I'm puttin' my foot down -
Both foots.

183
00:07:55,561 --> 00:07:57,171
No more kids!

184
00:07:57,171 --> 00:07:59,783
Okay, fine.
The man has spoken!

185
00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,611
I guess I'll just

186
00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:04,439
polish this little spot here
on the coffee table...

187
00:08:04,439 --> 00:08:07,312
Oh, it's so dirty, Jimmy!

188
00:08:12,099 --> 00:08:14,362
[Snap]Ow!
My neck!

189
00:08:14,362 --> 00:08:16,626
Sit down.
I'll give ya a massage.

190
00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:19,063
Alright, but no tryin'
to seduce me, capisce?

191
00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:20,934
I know what you
were doin' there

192
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,719
with the magic
swirlin' ass.

193
00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:24,242
Oh, that feels good.

194
00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:26,723
Oh yeah.
Your hands are so soft...

195
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:28,333
Hey, that's not fair!

196
00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:29,900
Cut it out!

197
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,466
[Grunt]

198
00:08:31,466 --> 00:08:34,121
[Voice muffled]

199
00:08:37,603 --> 00:08:39,344
Look at this mess.

200
00:08:39,344 --> 00:08:42,347
You're really livin' up to
people's low expectations here.

201
00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:44,392
Way I see it,
before we leave,

202
00:08:44,392 --> 00:08:46,264
we make Petey
clean everything up.

203
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:48,266
And people call you
the dumb one.

204
00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:50,050
Let's make some
work for him!

205
00:08:50,050 --> 00:08:51,965
[Both laugh]

206
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,141
Hey, that looks fun!

207
00:08:54,141 --> 00:08:55,708
[All laughing]

208
00:08:55,708 --> 00:08:57,231
Catch!
[Laugh]

209
00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,584
I just took Ziggy
for a three hour walk

210
00:09:01,584 --> 00:09:03,411
to the end of the driveway.

211
00:09:03,411 --> 00:09:05,283
Alligators are
kinda boring.

212
00:09:05,283 --> 00:09:07,633
He don't look too good.
Anybody feed him?

213
00:09:07,633 --> 00:09:09,069
I filled his bowl
with tofu.

214
00:09:09,069 --> 00:09:10,418
Tofu?

215
00:09:10,418 --> 00:09:13,334
He's a carnosaur.
He needs meat!

216
00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:14,901
Here ya go,
little fella.

217
00:09:15,946 --> 00:09:17,425
Ha!

218
00:09:17,425 --> 00:09:19,079
You're gonna have to move
faster than that, ugly.

219
00:09:19,079 --> 00:09:21,038
You probably
shouldn't do that.

220
00:09:21,038 --> 00:09:22,648
Nah, he loves it,
right, Zi-

221
00:09:22,648 --> 00:09:24,215
[Scream]

222
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:26,521
[Cheech screams,
Ziggy growls]

223
00:09:26,521 --> 00:09:28,306
That's what you get
for teasin' him!

224
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:31,178
[Cheech screaming,
Ziggy growling]

225
00:09:31,178 --> 00:09:34,094
[Cheech screaming,
Ziggy growling]

226
00:09:34,094 --> 00:09:35,966
Let him go!
Don't hurt him!

227
00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,491
Oh my God,
Cheech!

228
00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:41,754
[Dogs barking]

229
00:09:41,754 --> 00:09:43,887
Oh no!
Ziggy!

230
00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,802
Didn't ya
feed the dogs?!

231
00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:47,499
Again, tofu.

232
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:48,413
[Growl]

233
00:09:49,544 --> 00:09:51,111
Ha!
He missed!

234
00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:58,336
♪ [Tense music]

235
00:09:58,336 --> 00:10:02,862
♪ [Tense music]

236
00:10:02,862 --> 00:10:04,429
Lucky I got away.

237
00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:06,170
Cookie's knockers
got a kung fu grip!

238
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:11,044
♪ [Exciting thriller score]

239
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:14,221
♪ [Exciting thriller score]

240
00:10:14,221 --> 00:10:17,616
♪ [Exciting thriller score]

241
00:10:17,616 --> 00:10:19,357
Gimme the sperm,
big boy!

242
00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:21,272
[Scream]

243
00:10:21,272 --> 00:10:23,404
No!
It's mine!

244
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:27,191
Until I squeeze it outta ya!

245
00:10:27,191 --> 00:10:29,410
Then it's mine,
all mine!

246
00:10:29,410 --> 00:10:31,978
[Crazy laughter]

247
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:36,853
The kids gotta come home.
Cookie's gone baby-crazy!

248
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,638
What happened?
Ya tease the 'gator?

249
00:10:39,638 --> 00:10:41,379
You know me so well.

250
00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:43,120
What are ya
so worked up about?

251
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,644
Ya don't want a baby,
just don't have sex with Cookie.

252
00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:47,428
Yeah, you're right.

253
00:10:47,428 --> 00:10:49,474
But...What is it?

254
00:10:49,474 --> 00:10:51,171
[Stammering]

255
00:10:51,171 --> 00:10:53,217
It's just we haven't, ya know,
'done it' in a coupla weeks,

256
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:55,001
and I, uh...

257
00:10:55,001 --> 00:10:58,744
Ah! Ya got what medical
professionals call 'blue balls'!

258
00:10:58,744 --> 00:11:00,528
[Gasp]

259
00:11:00,528 --> 00:11:02,400
Lemme tell ya a little secret
I learned in prison...

260
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,402
Okay, stop talkin'.

261
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:06,796
No!
That's only to get cigarettes!

262
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:09,973
I'm talkin' about beatin' it
like it owes ya money!

263
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:11,496
I can't do that in the house.

264
00:11:11,496 --> 00:11:13,324
Cook's like a bloodhound!

265
00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:16,022
She'll sense the baby batter
a mile away and confiscate it.

266
00:11:16,022 --> 00:11:17,850
It's like a seventh sense!

267
00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:19,591
We all know what
her sixth one is.

268
00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,332
[Mystery fart]

269
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:23,813
Ew!
Who was that?

270
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,815
[Sniff]
It was Petey!

271
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:27,773
I know your brand, mister.

272
00:11:29,296 --> 00:11:32,082
I once broke wind in Reno
and she called to rag me out.

273
00:11:32,082 --> 00:11:34,824
So she's got a nose for
farts and man milk.

274
00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:36,869
Ya don't gotta
yank it in the house.

275
00:11:36,869 --> 00:11:39,306
There's lots of
other places.

276
00:11:39,306 --> 00:11:42,092
Bus shelters,
department store change rooms,

277
00:11:42,092 --> 00:11:43,746
back pew of the church...

278
00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:45,791
I get it!
I'll figure it out.

279
00:11:45,791 --> 00:11:47,314
Good.

280
00:11:47,314 --> 00:11:49,142
In the meantime, I'll talk
some sense into Cookie.

281
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:52,406
You go find someplace to have
a nice little masturbate.

282
00:11:52,406 --> 00:11:54,017
[Gasp]

283
00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:56,149
Hoh,
don't look at me lady!

284
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,543
He's the one about to abuse
himself like a circus monkey.

285
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:03,156
CHEECH:
Cookie, lookit this crap!

286
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,115
Kids cost a fortune.

287
00:12:05,115 --> 00:12:06,769
And whaddaya get for it?

288
00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:08,945
Stinky diapers
and a lotta back-talk!

289
00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:10,990
I get that
from you already.

290
00:12:10,990 --> 00:12:13,601
Besides, babies
are wonderful.

291
00:12:13,601 --> 00:12:15,821
You can't beat
that baby smell,

292
00:12:15,821 --> 00:12:17,475
their little feet,

293
00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:19,433
all the sweet sounds
they make...

294
00:12:19,433 --> 00:12:21,871
They do make
cute little sounds.

295
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:24,961
And that nice warm feelin'
when they snuggle on ya.

296
00:12:24,961 --> 00:12:27,354
Oh, I love that
snuggly feelin'.

297
00:12:27,354 --> 00:12:30,314
Reminds me of my old
cell mate, Rapey Joe.

298
00:12:30,314 --> 00:12:31,881
The way they
gaze up at ya,

299
00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:34,405
knowin' that you're
their entire universe,

300
00:12:34,405 --> 00:12:36,146
and they love ya like

301
00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:37,930
no one has ever
loved ya before.

302
00:12:37,930 --> 00:12:39,671
Now I want a baby!

303
00:12:39,671 --> 00:12:42,065
Aren't you
sterile?You mean "senile."

304
00:12:42,065 --> 00:12:43,675
And yes, Delores,

305
00:12:43,675 --> 00:12:45,111
I will have a donut.

306
00:12:48,723 --> 00:12:50,464
Alright, I'm out.

307
00:12:50,464 --> 00:12:52,336
Lookin' for dogs
is beneath me.

308
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:53,772
G'luck, suckers!

309
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:56,253
Not so fast!

310
00:12:56,253 --> 00:12:57,907
The dogs'll wander back,

311
00:12:57,907 --> 00:12:59,647
but we need a new Ziegfried!

312
00:12:59,647 --> 00:13:02,259
No we don't.
Who cares, Theresa?

313
00:13:02,259 --> 00:13:04,000
I pushed for this job.

314
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,219
If I screw it up,
I'm gonna look like an idiot!

315
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,004
Yeah, "gonna."

316
00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:10,658
I am not dealin'
with Ma sayin',

317
00:13:10,658 --> 00:13:13,531
"Y'see, Petey should have
been the house-sitter."

318
00:13:13,531 --> 00:13:15,707
[Bleep] him.I'm right here!

319
00:13:15,707 --> 00:13:18,101
It's just an
expression, Petey.

320
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:19,842
Anyway,

321
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:22,496
I need ya both to get on board
and help me find an alligator.

322
00:13:22,496 --> 00:13:24,934
Why would you need to find
an alligator, Theresa?

323
00:13:24,934 --> 00:13:27,893
Uh, 'cause Cheech really
took to Ziggy

324
00:13:27,893 --> 00:13:30,548
and...
wants one for himself.

325
00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:33,507
I always pegged Cheech
for an animal lover...

326
00:13:33,507 --> 00:13:36,467
Although on some level,
I imagined that literally.

327
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,817
Of course, alligators are
tricky to find in Regina.

328
00:13:38,817 --> 00:13:40,645
You can ask my
colleague about it

329
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,342
when she returns
home tomorrow.

330
00:13:42,342 --> 00:13:43,953
Tomorrow?!

331
00:13:43,953 --> 00:13:45,650
Her assignment
was cut short.

332
00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:47,391
She can't wait to feel

333
00:13:47,391 --> 00:13:49,436
the leathery embrace
of Ziegfried again.

334
00:13:49,436 --> 00:13:51,264
And she'll be thrilled

335
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,527
he'll have a chum
for future play dates!

336
00:13:53,527 --> 00:13:55,312
Good luck in your search!

337
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:56,791
Alright,
I'm back in.

338
00:13:56,791 --> 00:13:58,576
Aw, thanks, Gina.

339
00:13:58,576 --> 00:14:01,100
I don't wanna miss
everyone goin' ballistic

340
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,449
when ya screw this up.

341
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:06,801
[Dialling phone]

342
00:14:06,801 --> 00:14:08,499
Cheech, how'd it go
talkin' to Cook?

343
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:09,935
CHEECH:
Not good.

344
00:14:09,935 --> 00:14:11,545
How 'bout you?

345
00:14:11,545 --> 00:14:14,070
Did ya manage to take your
hand out for a liquid lunch?

346
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:15,158
[Grunt]

347
00:14:15,158 --> 00:14:16,942
No, and I'm dyin' here!

348
00:14:16,942 --> 00:14:19,336
Tell Cookie to lay off
the dirty texts.

349
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,383
I gotta go.
I'm feelin' light-headed.

350
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:26,386
[Phone rings]

351
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,346
COOKIE:
Didja get my picture?

352
00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:31,957
'Cause I'm sendin' ya
about 200 more.

353
00:14:31,957 --> 00:14:33,306
Cook, please stop.

354
00:14:38,050 --> 00:14:40,618
That's it!
I can't take this no more!

355
00:14:42,228 --> 00:14:44,622
[Phone ringing]

356
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,799
Regina Tourism!

357
00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:50,323
Lemme tell ya what
I wanna do to you, big boy.

358
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:51,672
First I'm gonna -

359
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,937
Oh my...

360
00:14:59,158 --> 00:15:01,160
Alright Jimbo,
man up and do this.

361
00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:05,599
[Man furiously masturbates]

362
00:15:05,599 --> 00:15:07,775
What the hell, Tobe?TOBE:
Not now!

363
00:15:07,775 --> 00:15:09,342
[Bellowing]

364
00:15:12,606 --> 00:15:14,565
What kinda
heartless world is this,

365
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:16,132
where a guy can't find a place

366
00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:18,090
to have a tender moment
with himself?

367
00:15:19,178 --> 00:15:20,223
That'll do.

368
00:15:21,789 --> 00:15:23,443
Well, tree,

369
00:15:23,443 --> 00:15:25,576
I guess I'm gonna
tap you with my sap.

370
00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:30,059
[Dogs growling and barking]

371
00:15:30,059 --> 00:15:31,234
Marone!

372
00:15:31,234 --> 00:15:33,453
[Dogs barking]

373
00:15:33,453 --> 00:15:36,456
[Dogs barking and
Jimmy shouting]

374
00:15:36,456 --> 00:15:39,242
Okay, God, I get it!
It's a sin!

375
00:15:39,242 --> 00:15:41,026
[Bleep]in' lay off,
will ya?

376
00:15:42,854 --> 00:15:45,988
[Snapping photos]

377
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,946
McCOOL:
Alright, citizens, disperse.

378
00:15:47,946 --> 00:15:49,556
There's nothing to see here!

379
00:15:49,556 --> 00:15:51,558
Bryan Adams'
Bleeding Fingers!

380
00:15:51,558 --> 00:15:53,386
What are you
doing up there?

381
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:56,259
Tryin' to avoid
sex with my wife.

382
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:58,174
Get down, Jimmy!

383
00:16:05,790 --> 00:16:07,618
Ooh!What?

384
00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,533
Uh, nothin'.

385
00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:11,143
So what's
all this about

386
00:16:11,143 --> 00:16:13,145
avoiding sex
with Cookie?

387
00:16:13,145 --> 00:16:14,712
I don't want her
gettin' pregnant.

388
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:16,235
That's all ya
gotta know.

389
00:16:16,235 --> 00:16:19,151
I see.
Well, why not get a vasectomy?

390
00:16:19,151 --> 00:16:21,762
How is convertin'
to Jewism gonna help?

391
00:16:21,762 --> 00:16:24,765
No, that's circumcision.
A vasectomy is different.

392
00:16:24,765 --> 00:16:27,986
Ya want me to cut the whole
thing off like a Ken doll?

393
00:16:27,986 --> 00:16:29,944
No, it's when
your vas deferens

394
00:16:29,944 --> 00:16:31,903
get clipped
and clamped!

395
00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:33,905
It's probably easier
if I show you...

396
00:16:33,905 --> 00:16:35,080
I'm good!

397
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,777
I'm surprised you
don't know about this.

398
00:16:36,777 --> 00:16:38,388
[Sniffing]

399
00:16:38,388 --> 00:16:40,259
Did you step in
something, Jimmy?

400
00:16:40,259 --> 00:16:42,522
Nope - and all I know
about that stuff

401
00:16:42,522 --> 00:16:44,350
is it's the devil's work.

402
00:16:44,350 --> 00:16:46,178
No it's not!

403
00:16:46,178 --> 00:16:48,398
And if you want to have worry-
free relations with Cookie,

404
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:50,704
this way is a hundred
percent effective.

405
00:16:50,704 --> 00:16:52,141
[Sniff]

406
00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:54,317
Are you sure you don't
smell something ripe?

407
00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:56,145
For Canada,
where -

408
00:16:56,145 --> 00:16:57,972
God does it ever stink!

409
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:05,589
Oh, this'll drive Jimmy wild!

410
00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:08,505
God, my back is killing me...

411
00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:10,202
Careful, lady.

412
00:17:10,202 --> 00:17:13,031
That same outfit got me into
this mess in the first place.

413
00:17:13,031 --> 00:17:14,424
But you're
so blessed!

414
00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:15,686
"Blessed?"

415
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:18,080
That's cute.
You got kids?

416
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,299
I'm almost pregnant
with my fourth.

417
00:17:20,299 --> 00:17:21,648
Whoopee.

418
00:17:21,648 --> 00:17:24,129
I'm almost gonna
kill myself.

419
00:17:24,129 --> 00:17:26,262
But isn't it wonderful
havin' that

420
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:28,307
little miracle
growin' inside ya?

421
00:17:28,307 --> 00:17:30,701
[Fart]There's your
miracle, lady.

422
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,355
Was that you or me?

423
00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:34,748
I can't feel anything
but my hemorrhoids burning

424
00:17:34,748 --> 00:17:37,055
like a ghost pepper
butt plug.

425
00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:39,884
But you're both about to
receive the most amazing gift -

426
00:17:39,884 --> 00:17:42,452
a child to hold,
and love,

427
00:17:42,452 --> 00:17:44,323
and imprint all
your failures on.

428
00:17:44,323 --> 00:17:46,282
Some friggin' gift!

429
00:17:46,282 --> 00:17:48,371
I poop whenever
I sneeze.

430
00:17:51,243 --> 00:17:53,637
Alright, Jimmy,
you can do this.

431
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:55,378
One little snip and -

432
00:17:55,378 --> 00:18:00,426
[Sobbing]

433
00:18:00,426 --> 00:18:02,341
My boys!
[Sob]

434
00:18:02,341 --> 00:18:04,778
Maybe I'll buy my balls
a farewell drink.

435
00:18:07,868 --> 00:18:09,435
GINA:
There's one!

436
00:18:09,435 --> 00:18:11,394
Looks like a snappy
little bastard.

437
00:18:11,394 --> 00:18:13,483
THERESA:
So how do we get it?

438
00:18:13,483 --> 00:18:15,746
Easy - we lower Gina
down by her legs

439
00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:17,313
and she grabs it.

440
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:18,966
I'm not goin'
in there.

441
00:18:18,966 --> 00:18:20,533
But you're the smallest!

442
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,274
You're the ugliest.

443
00:18:22,274 --> 00:18:25,234
If your face gets ripped off,
no one'll know the difference.

444
00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:27,061
C'mere!Gina, stop!

445
00:18:27,061 --> 00:18:28,672
Stop it,you two!

446
00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:30,587
If we want to catch
an alligator,

447
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:32,371
we're gonna
need some bait.

448
00:18:33,851 --> 00:18:36,419
So, which of these lizards
swallowed the diamond?

449
00:18:36,419 --> 00:18:38,203
The small one,
Cheech.

450
00:18:38,203 --> 00:18:40,118
But keep your eye
on the big one.

451
00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:42,076
Got it.
He's the muscle.

452
00:18:42,076 --> 00:18:44,078
You fellas'd look good
on my feet.

453
00:18:44,078 --> 00:18:45,036
Whoa!

454
00:18:46,124 --> 00:18:47,647
I take it back!

455
00:18:47,647 --> 00:18:49,910
Wheeee!

456
00:18:49,910 --> 00:18:51,825
Just like Coney Island!

457
00:18:54,524 --> 00:18:56,047
JIMMY:
Leave the bottle.

458
00:18:57,222 --> 00:18:58,789
What are you doin' here?

459
00:18:58,789 --> 00:19:01,095
Hey, Cook.
I needed a drink.

460
00:19:01,095 --> 00:19:02,575
I was at the vasectomy clinic.

461
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:04,447
You got a vasectomy?!

462
00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:06,797
But Father O'Malley told us
that's how the terrorists win!

463
00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:09,234
Relax!
I didn't do it.

464
00:19:09,234 --> 00:19:11,932
Look, if it's between
havin' another kid

465
00:19:11,932 --> 00:19:14,108
or havin' some doctor shove
scissors into my nut sack...

466
00:19:14,108 --> 00:19:15,675
[Shudder]

467
00:19:15,675 --> 00:19:17,808
What I mean is
I love ya, Cook.

468
00:19:17,808 --> 00:19:19,679
If ya want a baby,
I won't stand in your way.

469
00:19:19,679 --> 00:19:21,333
In fact,
I'll lie on top of ya.

470
00:19:21,333 --> 00:19:23,248
Hey, there's the chick who

471
00:19:23,248 --> 00:19:25,555
WANTS to shove a bowling ball
out her hoo-ha!

472
00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,600
[Fart]Yeah?

473
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,907
Well at least I don't
poop my pants!

474
00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:31,996
Yeah,
if she wanted to,

475
00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:33,911
she could shove TWO
bowling balls out her -

476
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:35,260
Stop helping, Jimmy.

477
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,569
It's a shame we gotta

478
00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:41,701
cut this cute little
fella open.

479
00:19:41,701 --> 00:19:45,314
I already told ya
there's no diamond!

480
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:47,098
I faced death for that rock!

481
00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:48,534
It's real to me.

482
00:19:48,534 --> 00:19:49,622
[Growl]

483
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:51,276
They're back!

484
00:19:51,276 --> 00:19:53,496
Aw crap, they got a taste
for lizard meat!

485
00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:54,801
Alright, toss 'em
the gator!

486
00:19:55,889 --> 00:19:57,630
Never!

487
00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,763
Ow!
Sonofabitch.

488
00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:02,026
...we'll turn Petey's room
into a nursery,

489
00:20:02,026 --> 00:20:03,767
he'll go in
Cheech's room,

490
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:05,986
and Cheech moves
into the garage.

491
00:20:05,986 --> 00:20:07,597
C'mon,
have a heart!

492
00:20:07,597 --> 00:20:09,251
Make Petey move
into the garage -

493
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:11,165
or the bus shelter
down the street.

494
00:20:11,165 --> 00:20:13,429
[Dogs barking]Jesus Christ!

495
00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:14,952
It's what
we all want.Look!

496
00:20:14,952 --> 00:20:16,693
[Scream]

497
00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:18,521
You'll never take my baby!

498
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:21,350
Never take my baby!

499
00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:24,788
[Dogs growling]

500
00:20:24,788 --> 00:20:25,789
Sit!

501
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,575
That's better.

502
00:20:29,575 --> 00:20:33,013
Stay away from my kids,
ya bitches!

503
00:20:33,013 --> 00:20:34,667
They're females, right?

504
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,800
You're takin' care of 'em
and ya don't even -

505
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,323
[Scream]

506
00:20:38,323 --> 00:20:40,194
Oh, it's ON,

507
00:20:40,194 --> 00:20:41,892
ya mother[bleep]in' dogs!

508
00:20:43,502 --> 00:20:45,199
[Howl]

509
00:20:45,199 --> 00:20:46,897
Look at you kids!

510
00:20:46,897 --> 00:20:49,726
Your mother had to get rabies
shots in the guts 'cauza you,

511
00:20:49,726 --> 00:20:51,336
and this is how you thank her?

512
00:20:51,336 --> 00:20:53,120
Don't worry about it.

513
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,035
I'm just glad they're home.

514
00:20:55,035 --> 00:20:57,734
Theresa, I'm very
cross with you.

515
00:20:57,734 --> 00:21:00,345
Rose's house was left
in an abysmal state,

516
00:21:00,345 --> 00:21:02,739
for some reason, the dogs won't
come out from under the porch,

517
00:21:02,739 --> 00:21:04,828
and Ziegfried is missing!

518
00:21:04,828 --> 00:21:07,483
What?
We put that gator back!

519
00:21:07,483 --> 00:21:09,049
Yo, Cook,

520
00:21:09,049 --> 00:21:11,008
the kid's latchin',
but I'm not producin'.

521
00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:13,271
Do I breastfeed on the left side
or on the right?

522
00:21:13,271 --> 00:21:16,709
Cheech, give Ziegfried
back to me this instant!

523
00:21:16,709 --> 00:21:18,363
What's with your face?

524
00:21:18,363 --> 00:21:20,017
Ya get crap in your eyes
or somethin'?

525
00:21:20,017 --> 00:21:21,540
No, why do you ask?

526
00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:23,150
Wanna sneak upstairs

527
00:21:23,150 --> 00:21:24,804
and see if we
can flag down a stork?

528
00:21:24,804 --> 00:21:26,850
Huh?I was bein' cute.

529
00:21:26,850 --> 00:21:28,852
I meant let's go put
a load of baby in ya.

530
00:21:28,852 --> 00:21:31,681
We're right here.
We can hear ya!

531
00:21:31,681 --> 00:21:33,683
[Sigh]

532
00:21:33,683 --> 00:21:35,511
I think maybe I'm okay, Jimmy.

533
00:21:35,511 --> 00:21:38,209
I'm better off countin'
the two blessin's I already got.

534
00:21:38,209 --> 00:21:40,603
There's
three of us.Shut up, Petey.

535
00:21:40,603 --> 00:21:42,474
Ya sure?Yeah, baby.

536
00:21:42,474 --> 00:21:44,520
I know ya came around
to the idea.

537
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,391
I hope you're not
too disappointed.

538
00:21:47,566 --> 00:21:49,263
Yeah!!
Alright!

539
00:21:49,263 --> 00:21:51,048
[Laugh]

540
00:21:51,048 --> 00:21:52,702
Yes!
Yes!

541
00:21:52,702 --> 00:21:53,833
[Laugh]

542
00:21:53,833 --> 00:21:55,531
Yeah!

543
00:21:55,531 --> 00:21:56,923
Oh, baby!