How ya doin'? Good?
Yeah, well, if I asked ya that question in the old life,
I wouldn't know if you was actually tellin' the truth -
'Cause back then, ya couldn't trust nobody.
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ We can't afford Happy Birthday ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow... ♪
Blow out your candles, Jimmy.
[Others laugh]
JIMMY: Most guys learn not to trust people
by gettin' screwed over,
but it was birthday cake that taught me.
Know what? You blow 'em out.
This guy! So suspicious!
No one's gonna pull that trick again.
Hm.
[Others laugh]
JIMMY: There's an expression - Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice,
I will rip your [bleep]in' ears off!
Really? Do I look stupid to you guys?
There!
There's your [bleep]in' cake!
It's okay. He missed my dick.
Anyway, now that I live among
the goody-good people of Regina,
I still don't trust nobody.
Yeah, yeah, thanks to you, I don't got a spleen.
Now say the thing so we can go inside.
Nah. You say it.
Why should I say it? YOU say it.
Oh, for Christsake. Fugget about it!
[Others laugh]
♪ Let me tell you something
♪ 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy ♪
♪ Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪
♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪
♪ he take the boss,
♪ he threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪
♪ Wasn't much longer 'til the mob want him dead ♪
♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪
♪ The Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪
♪ so he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan. ♪
♪ Fugget about it! ♪ Fugget about it!
♪ Fugget about it! Oh, fugget about it! ♪
"For Canada, where Canadians are from..."
That's awful! Where's the poetry, the insight?
This is uninspired and lazy!
"For Canada..." Good start.
"...Go Blue Jays?!" Oh, come on!
I let you order Chinese,
and this is the best you can come up with?
[Loon call phone ring]
Hi-lo-lo. Blast!
Even my phone greetings are terrible!
We'll do those next.
It's Theresa.
I've been in a teensy little fender-banger.
I'm on my way. [Whistle]
For Canada, where -
"maple syrup lacrosse double-double?!"
Now you're just mocking me.
[Window smash]
[Distant car alarm]
What's a six letter word for "hurry?"
Hm... No serious damage.
Horse, get this out of the ditch, will you?
Please don't tell my folks about this.
[Hiccup]Smooth Canadian Club!
Have you been drinking?
I had one beer. I swear I'm not -
Blow.
Hm... You're not inebriated,
but there's a hint of alcohol in your blood.
Provincial law requires me
to confiscate your license.
I'm not drunk!
I don't understand.
No?
Fortunately, I just completed
an RCMP workshop
on talking to teens.
Ahem.
Word on the herd is short ones can't slop
a jorum of skee and skate the jam wagon.
So mind your turnips, ya silly frail!
Teenagers don't talk like that.
Hm... The workshop did seem a tad outdated -
Especially the part about how bathtub gin leads to syphilis.
Whatever.
Just please don't tell my parents about this.
I won't, Theresa - But you will.
[Sigh]
There you go, clumsy. Let's drive you home.
[Neighing]
No, we can't stop for drive-thru!
[Neigh]
Guess what?
I won first place at the High School Science Fair -
sponsored by Wheatcorp,
a subsidiary of Wheatthin Enterprises.
We have to say that last part
or their lawyers come after us.
Congratulations, Petey!
What'd ya do, cure stupid?
'Cause Cheech'll buy it twice.
I totally would!
I designed a weight loss app that counts calories in food.
I call it the Calogrameter.
4,000 calories...
Jeez, pop!
How many calories was that, ya food-shamin' little jerk?
125.
I hate to tell ya,
but somebody already thought of that -
Adolph Einstein.
How is this possible?
"A product of... Wheatcorp?!"
Richard Wheatthin stole my idea!
[Horse whinny]Uh-oh.
Don't wanna be late for school!
42 calories?
I wouldn't talk, kid.
I've seen you come out of the shower.
At least mine has a mustache.
I really don't want to tell my parents.
Can't we just forget it?
I can't stop thinking about last night.
The drinking, the blowing...
[Gasp]
THERESA: I didn't blow that bad.
McCOOL: I'm sorry to tell you,
but you didn't blow very well, either.Oh yeah?
I don't think your equipment was working very well.
My equipment may be a bit old,
but I assure you it works just fine!
Or at least it did before you
got your teeth marks all over it.
How could there be teeth marks?
That thing was sooo hard!
[Gasp]
In any case, if you don't tell your parents
about your alcohol- fueled accident, I will.
Now if you'll excuse me...
For Canada, where curling is looked upon favorably...
Oh, these are atrocious!
Thanks to Cheech needin' a bath toy,
my Virgin Mary statue ain't a virgin no more.
You better step up, uh,
Saint Polycarp of Smyrna.
Tell me your troubles, my child.
McCool's been foolin' around with my teenage daughter.
What do I do?
Oh, uh, I - I can't help you.
I - I'm the patron saint of earaches and dysentery.
Dysen - Ya mean diarrhea?
And earaches!
I'm very good with those.
If you eat bad Indian food,
or get some of it in your ear canal,
I'm your man.
Who'd you screw to become a Saint?
Cook, ya done with Polycarp here?
I got a case of the squirts
that's drainin' the life outta me.
Squat before me, my son.
Hey!
I just spoke to Wheatcorp.
Turns out any idea entered in the science fair
automatically becomes their property.
I like that business model.
Ya want it, ya take it. Screw everyone!
I strenuously voiced my objection
and they promised to send
"an acknowledgement of my contribution."
Whatever it is,
I get ten percent or I break your foot.
[Door bell]
I'm Pat on the Back,
and I'm here to give you, Petey McDougal,
a "Pat On the Back," courtesy of Wheattcorp!
Is it a check or direct deposit?
♪ Who needs money?
♪ Not me, Jack! Who needs money? ♪
♪ Take it all back!
♪ Money won't save you from a heart attack, ♪
♪ or get your mother offa the crack. ♪
♪ Money is evil, that's a fact, ♪
♪ but nothing says "thank you" like a Pat on the Back! ♪
Have a great day!
[Growl]Lemme guess.
Ya got a white hot ball of rage
right between your eyes.
[Grunt]
You wanna put two slugs in Wheatthin's face
so they can't even have an open casket!
Uh, not exactly.
But I am quite miffed!
Easy there, psycho!
Ya want revenge?
No, I want justice...
...Godfather.
[Bleep], do you ever know what buttons to push!
Uh, could I grab a ride home off one of you?
McCool and Theresa?!
That's nutso!
What would she even see in that guy?Oh, I dunno...
Maybe his big shoulders, strong arms,
those tree-trunk legs.
[Sigh] Not to mention his dreamy eyes, square jaw,
and the fact that he probably gives horse penis envy.
Yeah okay, but apart from that, he's got nothin'!
Theresa! Get your ass in here!
Alright, kid, what's up with you and McCool?
Oh my God, he told you?
No, he didn't. But - HA! I knew it!
Hey, that's entrapment!
Right, daddy?
Sure is, Buttercup.
Shame on you, Cook!
If he didn't say nothin',
I'm not sayin' nothin' neither.
Oh, is that so?
Then you're grounded!
Don't she have a right to council?No!
And no phone call neither! Gimme your phone.
Fine, take it!
And let us never speak of this incident
that never occurred again.
Jimmy, why don't ya believe me?
'Cause we're talkin' about McCool!
The guy's an overgrown boy scout!
Sure, he's a ladies man,
but he'd never mess with my daughter.
Oh yeah?
How do ya like your boy scout now?
Get my guns - All of 'em.
Ooh, I can't wait!
No more shooting bums down at the train yard!
What?I mean -
We're back, baby!
McCOOL: How's everyone doing?
Johnny, how's the golf game?
Has your handicap improved,
or are you still a "golf-a-palegic?"
[Laugh]
[Silence]
Tough room. Is it something I said?
What's, uh... What's going on?
See if I ever buy you guys Chinese food again!
Cookie, what the hell is this?
A scumbag like McCool ain't worth doin' time over,
so I figured we should get him where it really hurts.
I was gonna do that!
I was gonna shoot him right in the nuts!
Jimmy, why kill someone
when ya can ruin their life?
Death is but a single moment.
Misery is forever.
You... You... You're good!
Where'd ya come up with that line?
[Door bell]It's a Snakehammer song.
Oh look,
Roman Pervlanski decided to swing by.
Jimmy, there's a perfectly innocent
explanation for that picture.
The one of you grabbin' my daughter's keister?
This I gotta hear!
Theresa was drinking and driving
and crashed the SUV in a ditch -
You're a real piece of work, ya know that?
Tryin' to blame the victim!
I'm the victim here! I've been suspended!
They took everything - my badge, Horse,
my catchphrases.
Ya got off easy, scumbag,
but not for long.
Mark my words,
I am gonna destroy you for what you did!
[Sigh]
For Canada...
Aw, come on, Daryl!
[Glass breaking]
Okay, now what? We give him a wedgie?
No, wait - Let's pants him!
Shut up and lemme do this.
Alright, wiseguy,
I'm gonna need ya to put the ol' John Hancock on there.
I'm afraid I can't do that.
[Cocking gun]
Gina, what are you doing?!
Ix-nay, on the ames-nay, uck-fay!
Ya got a choice -
Either your signature or your brains
are gonna be on that contract.
I always wanted to say that.
I am so sorry about this!
Shut up!
Sign over the rights to the app,
or get skull-humped by a nine, bitch.
This is NOT what I signed up for!
This is exactly what ya signed up for.
Don't go limp on me now.
Give me that, Gina!
Hey, leggo, ya dumb motherfu-
[Gasp]
Oh, thanks a lot.
I didn't even get to savor the moment!
MAN: [English accent] You're not welcome in the Queen's Beaver!
[Sigh]
Sicko!
Pervert!
♪ [Sad saxophone jazz]
Look at this one of McCool
stuffin' his face with my lasagna.
Send it in and say
he's one of those guys who pukes after he eats.
McCool's Bolivian?
Are you outta your minds?!
McCool didn't grope me.
He helped me after I drove the car into a ditch!
What?Look...
I drank a little that night,
which is why I called McCool.
Oh crap!
You drove our car into a ditch?!
You're grounded, young lady.
I'm already grounded.
Well, I'm temporarily un-grounding you
so I can re-ground you!
Yay - Wait, what?
Theresa, we gotta talk about the real problem here.
You drove drunk, crashed your car,
and then called a frickin' cop?!
Ya just pry the plates off,
torch the car, and run!
I can't believe you thought McCool
would do somethin' like this.
You're grounded!
You're all grounded!
We're crucifyin' the guy for no reason.
I gotta go make this right.
Hang on, hang on -
Ya mean this colossal screw-up here
has nothin' to do with me?
I don't know if I'm happy or lost.
I'm too young to go to jail!
Am I gonna die in there? Will people wanna fight me?
Fight ya? No.
Fight over ya? Yeah.
C'mon, let's chop him up,
put him in quick lime, and get the hell outta here.
We've snuffed out a life!
We have to turn ourselves in.
He's smokin'.
Yes, he was a handsome man,
but that has nothing to do with -No, ya dope.
He's smokin'!
He's a freakin' robot!
Of course...
WheatCorp is at the forefront of Autobotics research!
Phew!
At least we're only guilty of robicide, not murder.
Congratulations.
Ya just sucked the last bit of fun outta this caper.
[Belch]
Jesus! Lookit him.
I know. Lucky bastard.
Daytime TV, junk food,
and a sweet track suit.
[Belch]
It's all my dreams come true.
It's pretty much your life already.
Izzat so?
Do ya see me in a track suit, Jimmy?
Do ya?
JIMMY: Hey, Strait!
Jimmy! Good to see you!
Is that Cheech?
You old bag of screws! How are you?
Can I have some chips?
Ha! Good ol' Cheech. Always with the chips.
McCool, what are ya doin', eatin' all that crap?
I'm eating my feelings, Jimmy -
and they're delicious!
Listen, about all that stuff in the papers -
I had it all sorted out.
They're printin' retractions as we speak.
Really?Yeah.
I talked to your boss and explained the mix-up.
You'll be reinstated by the end of the week.
That's wonderful news, Jimmy, just wonderful.
So if there's anything else I can do, name it.
I mean it - Anything.
Um, let me think if there's anything...
Oh, yes.
Maybe you could get the hell out of my house and my life forever,
ya son of a bitch!
Uh...
On second thought, I like not being the [bleep]-up every week.
You ruined my life, Jimmy.
But then I fixed it, so we're good!
That's not the point.
After all we've been through,
couldn't you at least give me the benefit of the doubt?
I never understood how doubt is a benefit.
McCool, ya know how I am!
I shoot first, aim later.
Well, thanks to you,
I'll be forever known as "the Groping Mountie."
Well, you shouldn'ta gone behind my back
about Theresa's accident.
If I "ratted" to you,
she would never have trusted me again.
Well, now I don't trust ya!
After the jolly rogering you gave me in the press,
I don't trust YOU either!
Yeah, well, screw you McCool!
Screw YOU, Jimmy!
Alright, cut it out, you idiots!
I can't stand listenin' to ya
hurtin' each other like this!
Ya been friends for a long time now.
Arguin' ain't gonna settle nothin'...
You two need to fight!
Okay, can we get out of here?
Ya still gotta get what's yours, Petey.
Let's rob the joint!
Where these clowns goin'?
I wonder if Wheatthin ever makes those robots
have sex with each other.
Now I know why ya take the clothes off your action figures.
Now get your head in the game!
[Machinery powering up]
Maybe I can program one of them
to sign back the rights to my Calogramolator...
Name still needs work.
Way to think big, dumbass.
Hack 'em to sign over the whole empire!
That's not possible.
You may know more about criminal enterprises,
but when it comes to technology,
I am the master.
More like master-bator - to robot porn.
I made one little joke!
I read your blog, "Androidlover98."
[Machinery powering up]
Oh dear God.
That is so creepy.
Turn 'em off.Give me a second.
That should do it.
♪
♪♪
If we die, Petey,
I just want ya to know I never liked you.
CROWD: Fight! fight! Fight!
Ya sure ya won't be breakin' some RCMP rule?
Er, yes, now that you mention it,
we have to call this off.
My hands are tied, Jimmy.
Ya don't get reinstated until next week.
Now go ahead, dance, boys.
Damn.
If we are going to do this,
we will abide by Queensberry rules.
Nu-uh. Brooklyn rules or nothin'.
What are Brooklyn rules?There are no rules.
But that's a rule.
What?Don't you see?
"No rules" is a rule in and of itself.
I never thought of it that way.
It's the exception paradox.
It's quite fascinating, really, because -
Would you two just fight already!
MEN: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Alright, let's do this.
Here we go.This is it.
I can't believe it's come to this.
Me neither.
You really hurt me, Jimmy.And you hurt me.
Will somebody please hurt someone?!
It ain't nice findin' out your own daughter
calls someone else when she's in trouble.
She's supposed to call family!
I thought, in a way, I was family.
But I'm her father!
I may not be the best father, but if my kids are in trouble,
I wanna be the one to save the day.
[Phone rings]Hello?
Dad! Help!
Gina and I are cornered by a legion of bloodthirsty robots!
It's for you.
Step away from those children,
you robotic abominations!
Prepare to have that finger snapped off
and inserted into whichever orifice
serves as your rectum!
Nice one!Thank you.
♪♪
♪
♪♪
[Groan][Laugh]
Sorry.
♪
♪♪
Whoa, it's just like that one Michael Bay movie.
Which one? The terrible one.
He never made a terrible one, ya dick.
Jimmy! I'll distract the robots.
You take Gina and Petey to safety.
Uh, you take the kids, McCool.
They stand a better chance with you.
Petey, what are you doin'?!
Uh, nothing.
♪
♪♪
Hey, Roboto-Jerks!
♪
♪♪
♪
Jump, Jimmy! I'll catch you!
What are you, nuts?Trust me, Jimmy!
In case ya didn't notice,
I kinda got trust issues!
I know, but you can trust me, Jimmy!
Now jump!
♪
♪♪
THAT'S for thinking I would ever grope your daughter!
[Groan]
GINA: That was a [bleep]in' waste of time!
Wheatthin still owns Petey's app.
There goes my eighty percent.
Hey, we never agreed to -Keep talkin',
it'll be ninety.That app's dead anyway.
Now there's one that lies about how many calories you're eatin'.
What're "calories," anyway?
Is that some kinda food?
Well, Jimmy, I assume after I beat off all those robots,
there's no hard feelings?
No sir.
And to show you we're square,
I want ya to be the first to sign my cast.
It would be an honour.
What about you, McCool?
Any hard feelin's? Be honest.
Hard feelings? No, none at all!
[Others laugh]
What, did he write somethin' cute?
[Laughter]